Seductrash

S05E16

By Omar G

Greetings from Washington, D.C. Smallville isn't any better on the east coast. A girl with curly blonde locks casts a spell on Clark at The Talon just as he's turning Lana down for sex again after a chaste date. The blonde has an ugly necklace with pick-up powers, and Clark's incredible, super-otherworldly powers are no match for...a cheap piece of prop jewelry, apparently. Clark is soon making out with her out in the alley in an homage to The Last Seduction, and he's just as pussy-whipped as Peter Berg was. Seductrash makes Clark break up with Lana, forcing him to invite the pink squirrel over while they're about to do it. Lana cries, convincingly, when Clark says he's in love with someone else. Turns out the girl is working for Lex because he's got some dirt on her, but decides she'd rather have Clark as her full-time lover than give up his secrets. Chloe, suspecting Krypto-weirdness, investigates and finds out that Seductrash is using her hypnotist father's jewel and that she probably killed him. Chloe saves the day when Seductrash tries to get Clark to kill Lex. A bullet from a fired gun smashes the jewel, and it wasn't very clear whether the girl was shot in the neck, but it sure looked like that happened. Score another death on Clark's watch! Clark decides that he's tired of breaking Lana's heart, so he tells her to her face that he doesn't love her and says that this is it. For reals. No joke. We mean it this time. It's over! Lana said so! How much you wanna bet they'll be schmooping at each other in the barn loft week? It might be compelling if we hadn't stood in this exact spot dozens of times before. In the B-plot (which is actually much more interesting than the A), Professor SoFine resurfaces in Honduras amid a flesh-eating plague. Lex dons his Exotic Land Wear to chase him down. SoFine, going along with a tip Lex says he got, pretends to be a secret government agent and warns Lex of scary aliens coming to take over the earth. Lex is convinced that the spaceship is nearby. At the end, SoFine emerges from the black oil and becomes four SoFines. QuadFine! Awesome! The SoFines go look for human blood samples for some nefarious purpose.

Previously, we all took a hiatus that lasted all through March. Man, was that sweet. I watched shows about mobsters, polygamists, and terrorists. What did you do?

We open at night (like a swanky bar!), with booted feet clomping through a forest or jungle. It's moist. There are flashlight beams mucking about. Is this The X-Files? Two fellows in hazmat suits with head-mounted lights are being oh-so-inconspicuous. Percussive music plays. A title card reads, "Sierra de la Botija, Honduras, Central America," which roughly translates to "Sierra of the Botija, Honduras, Central America." The hazmat suits are so fancy that they even have lights inside the hoods so that the awful face-sucking aliens can see what they're eating when they burst out of someone's chest and jump toward their second course. One of the hazmat guys -- we'll call him HazMatt -- is carrying a yellow case with a "Biohazard" logo. That band rocks! HazMatt stops and flashes a light toward a hut. "There's the hut," he says. HazMatt is master of the obvious. HazMatt's partner says he hopes word of the "evac order" made it out this far. Oh yeah, there's totally a DirecTV dish mounted on that straw and bamboo hut. No worries. The incredibly tense music proves that you can make two guys walking through mud interesting if you've got a good music director. The music goes, "Bum ba da dum DUM DUM! Dum ba da DUM DUM!" Taut! The HazDudes enter the hut. The music hits a mini-crescendo. "My God," says HazMatt. "Son of a bitch," says HazSteve. "Popcorn sounds good right now," says Omar, but he's at the airport and there's none around. The camera pans up the body of someone in bed. The face of the sleeper has blood dribbled all over it. And, immaturely, someone has drizzled a big blood moustache on the dead person's face. It's the fabled Bloody Sanchez! There are several other bloodied bodies lying about. HazMatt says that they should get blood samples, at least 10 ccs each. Why stop there? There's at least 20 just on the faces.

HazMatt and HazSteve get to work, collecting blood. HazMatt hopes they figure out a way to do this wirelessly in the future because, dude, this sucks. The music spikes (hee) as someone walks into the hut. It's Professor SoFine! Hot damn! Welcome back, you funky alien man. He's wearing a smart tan coat. HazMatt yells, "Hey! This is a quarantined hot zone! Get out!" Drink specials don't start until 11! It's dangerously off the chain! Tell all the ladies! Professor SoFine acts like he didn't hear them. HazMatt puts his gloved hand on the professor's shoulder (way to contain the quarantined area, ass) and asks if SoFine heard him. "You're exposing yourself to a deadly virus!" says HazMatt, hand still hilariously touching SoFine. SoFine turns, grabs the blood sample out of HazMatt's hand, and rips the hood off his biohazard suit. They really should have sprung for the non-Velcro versions of these suits. SoFine throws HazMatt so that he lands face-first in one of the yucky beds. HazMatt's not thrilled about that. He screams. His face starts bleeding immediately. HazSteve tries to run away. SoFine spikes him (hey, it's true) with the trick where he makes his finger into a steel pike. The pike goes right through HazSteve's head. Ouchie. HazMatt is seriously freaking out. SoFine's eyes go magenta and he does a slow turn, setting fire to the hut with his eyes. We see it go up in flames from outside. Wow, nice two-story hut there. Is the upstairs a den, or is that just where they put the flat-screen? SoFine looks around at his flaming handiwork. He eyes the blood sample, which reads "Biohazard" on the vial. SoFine zips out of the hut just as it explodes.

Opening credits. Commercials. I don't think I could ever get invited to an Old Navy rooftop party. I'm just not carefree enough.

If there's strummy alt-crap music playing, we must be at The Talon. We return from commercials with the neon sign at night, and then go inside. A waitress is carrying two frothy coffee drinks as she passes by a table where Clark and Lana sit. Lana giggles and says, "Clark, you're amazing!" Not "super"? You sure? No? All right, let's move on, then. Lana is complimenting Clark's dancing skills, saying that he won't win any contests, but that he's definitely not the worst. Are you sure? Because I kind of thought he was the worst. Clark humbly says that he almost started a ten-person pile-up while two-stepping. He suggests that they skip the dancing time...and go right to the not having sex. Also: two-stepping? I know it's Kansas, but damn. Don't they have a hip-hop station out there?

Lana suggests that they try something else: Chloe's pulling an all-nighter at The Daily Planet, so she's got the dorm to herself. Wow, that's just what Chloe wants to come home to in the morning: the smell of Lana and Clark's sex hanging in the air as it mixes with the scent of burnt toast and Cheerios. Lana offers the information about Chloe as a hint. The solution: she's warm for your form, Clark. She's hot for your tots. She's keen for your beam. Also, she wants sex. At the news that Lana has the place to herself, Clark looks like he just learned he came down with spina bifida. "We have the place to ourselves," Lana corrects. Yikes! Pink alert, people! We are on a Level 9 pink alert! Clark says that it sounds great, but that he has to get up early because it's going to rain and he's got to put up some tarps. God forbid it should rain on a farm where there are crops and soil to absorb it. Lana's loins cool down, but she doesn't act angry or disappointed. She just says that whenever Clark is ready to take the steel door off his vagina and let it breathe again, she'll be ready: "I'll be waiting. As long as it takes." Yeah, these days sex really gets good when you're in your sixties. "No pressure," says Lana. Clark's dong tries to grow long enough to strangle him, but his belt's on too tight. Lana gets up to leave, and maybe go make a little purchase at the adult bookstore on the edge of town. "I gotta go, it's getting late," she says. There is something seriously wrong with this girl. Let's break it down for just a second. Now, nobody ever said that Lana was a floozy. For a long time, she wore her innocence as a badge of honor. For her to offer herself up to Clark and keep getting shot down? I don't believe for a second that she'd be so understanding, no matter how fun their little two-step date went. At the very least, she'd be annoyed that Clark wasn't at least willing to make out a little or just spend the night with her, even without the sex. I know I'm over-examining this, which falls to us, the viewers, because it doesn't seem like the writers do. Clark watches Lana go, admiring a booty that isn't there and that he'd never have if it was.

Kent kitchen. HypnoHo, with her sneery face, is sizing up the joint. She seems to think it's quaint, especially when Clark serves her up a slice of MamaKent's apple pie. He stops short of swearing that he hasn't fucked it, and says his mom just made it. Good senatorial work, that. HypnoHo tries it and says it's delicious. She says that all she needs now is a glass of champagne. She doesn't suppose Clark has that hidden around there somewhere. Clark zips out of the room, sending papers flying as he goes. HypnoHo gets up and looks around, calling Clark's name. About ten seconds later, we hear chimes, and then the whoosh of Clark returning. He's holding a bottle of champagne with gold foil wrap. Very classy, Clark. (By the way, I just learned from Anne Lamott today that the wire thing on champagne is actually called the "wire hood.") HypnoHo asks where Clark got the bottle. "Howe's liquor store in Metropolis," he tells her. "Metropolis, how?" she asks. No, Howe's. Clark says he can run really fast. From commitment. HypnoHo playfully asks what would happen if she asked for chocolate-covered strawberries. Clark zips out. She waits. He zips in about eight seconds later, and she squeals as he suddenly appears. "Here you go," he says. He hands her a red rose and a plastic box of the strawberries. "You are too good to be true," she says. If only she knew. "I think it's time you told your girlfriend about us," she tells Clark. Clark's face grows serious. She tells Clark to call Lana and ask her to come over. Clark thinks about it. Yes, that is a good idea! He smiles like a goof.

Metropolis. I can never tell if that's the dorm building or not, especially at night. Turns out this time that it is, but I wouldn't have been able to tell just by looking at it. Did this dorm room grow? At the very least, I think they raised the ceiling. Chloe is not believing what Lois is telling her about Clark and his new skank. Couldn't Lois have gotten a ride to Metropolis from Lana? What's with all the commuting, people? Simplify! Lois tells Chloe that it was "last tango at the Talon," and that she had front-row seats. Chloe thinks for a second. She's sure something must have happened to Clark. An erection, maybe. Chloe says that Clark wouldn't just do this. Lois patronizes Chloe by telling her that she knows Chloe has a hero-worship thing going on when it comes to Clark, but that he's just this guy, you know? "His brain -- it's not his commanding officer," Lois says. We all know that's true, but not because of this incident. Chloe insists that Clark is different from other dudes, and that he wouldn't do this to Lana. Lois thinks they should warn Lana. Chloe insists that Lois keep it to herself for now until she can check up on this.

Just as Lois and Chloe are debating, Lana walks in the room. She asks what's up. Chloe awkwardly lies, saying that Lois needs a place to stay for a few nights and will be joining them in the dorm. Lois says that her heater's on the fritz. At the Talon? I am sort of surprised Lois drove all the way to Metropolis just to tell Lana about Clark when she could have just called her or caught her in Smallville. Lana, smiling, says that Lois is always welcome in their dorm, and asks what happened to Chloe's all-nighter. Her deadline at The Planet was pushed back. Good thing Lana didn't bring Clark over for some dorm nookie. They would have had to do it in the laundry room or out in the parking lot. Lana's answers her ringing cell. She looks concerned. "Is everything all right?" she asks the person on the line. Lois and Chloe exchange worried looks. Lana says that she'll be there as soon as she can. Lana tells Chloe and Lois that it was Clark, and that he urgently needs to talk to her. Yeah, sure, no problem. She'll just drive another three hours back to Smallville. Lana takes off. Chloe and Lois snack concernedly.

The Barnness of Ill-Gotten Nookietude. HypnoHo leads Clark up to the loft. Her skirt is so short that the hemline is now scared of heights. She leads "Lightning Legs" up the stairs and asks if Clark has any other special skills. How about the power...to bore? Clark eyes a steel baseball bat across the room. Oh no! Not the ping-pong ball and bat trick! That's disgusting! Clark picks up the bat and bends it two ways. "S for Simone," Clark says, offering the misshapen instrument. That's the ugliest "S" I've ever seen. Sure you don't want to try that one again? HypnoHo offers an awful, awful smile as she laughs. She says that, ever since she was little, she's dreamed of having a knight in shining armor. Now, she says, that dream has come true. I guess her standards haven't really risen much since she was eight.

HypnoHo kisses Clark. Red Shoe Diaries music plays. She tells Clark to take off his shirt. Clark does. The camera angle switches to roughly a mile away. Have you noticed that we never see any close-ups of Clark's buff torso anymore? Just sayin'. Back in a tighter shot, Clark tells Seductress that it's her turn. She takes off her easily removed top. She's wearing a tight black push-up bra. Clark stares, dumbly. She tells Clark to take off the rest of his clothes. He gets his pants off. Wow, losing a bit of definition there, Superman? Clark frets that his powers may hurt her. HypnoHo takes off her belt, but not her skirt yet. "That's a chance I'm willing to take," she says. More kissing. Clark removes her skirt for her. Thong, tha-thong-thong-thong! Yow! Dude, take off your watch, at least. "Make love to me, Clark," HypnoHo says seriously. Clark grins, picks HypnoHo up, and takes her over to his couch. They make out. Hey, down in front! Oh, wait, that's the back of Lana's head. She watches from the top of the stairs. Either Lana has her own set of superpowers, or HypnoHo waited three hours to let Clark at her. What did they talk about? More desserts? Lana's heart breaks as she watches Clark run his hands up HypnoHo's side. "Oh God," Lana moans. Er, Lana, I think you stole her line. Clark notices Lana watching. Hey, honey! Wanna...uh...join in? Lana storms off. HypnoHo gets Clark's attention. She tells him he doesn't care about Lana anymore and that he should go tell her it's over.

Clark grabs his pants at superspeed and follows Lana down the stairs. He grabs her arm. It's hilarious that he's still shirtless. "Lana, wait!" he says. Lana turns. Oh no. You pissed off the squirrel. Prepare to have your nuts harvested. Lana, teary, says, "This is why you couldn't spend the night with me." Clark takes a beat, and then says that he's fallen in love with someone else. And to make matters worse, it's a woman. Lana turns without another word and gets out of his sight. She turns a corner of the barn and grabs onto a pole. She breaks down, crying as she squats on the floor and holds her mouth. Acting!

Commercials. Even more heartbreaking than Lana's breakdown? The fact that Rob Schneider, David Spade, and Jon Lovitz have to play second, third, and fourth bananas to Jon Heder when they do a movie together.

Lair of Lex. HypnoHo, wearing a short white skirt and slinky brown top, walks into the billionaire's office. She calls for Lex. Lex suddenly appears via webcam on a flat-panel TV. Gratuitous shot of HypnoHo's legs framed to the TV from a very low angle. We see a small camera mounted on the TV. "Don't you look delectable this evening?" Lex says. It's the same night? What is it, like, 6 in the morning? She asks if she'll ever get to meet the "billionaire boy wonder" face-to-face. Lear of Lex. Lex, in his private jet, is talking to his laptop. He says that, as much as he'd like to examine HypnoHo up close and personal, he prefers to hold on to his free will. Lex asks about her progress. HypnoHo says that Lana won't be sending Clark any more Valentine's Day cards. Awesome! "And what about Clark?" Lex asks. Will he be sending Lex any? Lex asks if HypnoHo's discovered anything unusual about the farmboy. "Absolutely," she says. Lex leans toward his computer with interest: "What is it?" She says that Clark Kent is the most extraordinary..."kisser." She smiles. Lex, devastated, hangs his head. He knows, he knows... "There must be more," he says. He knows, for instance, that Clark is tops with his hand and some spit. Lex asks if there's anything else. HypnoHo says that, with Clark, what you see is what you get: a corn-fed farmboy. Lex sighs. HypnoHo says that, now that she's done what Lex asks, he can leave her alone and get out of her life. Testy! Lex says that there's someone else he'd like her to meet...in Honduras. Lex is going to get a totally sweet deal on some cigars and coffee. HypnoHo says that this was a one-time deal. Lex reminds her that he just unearthed evidence that could put her away forever. HypnoHo sighs into the webcam, defeated. Lex insists that she can do one little favor for him. He'll be back the night, and they can discuss it then. An assistant of Lex's on the plane says that he has "Roberts" on a secure line, and that Professor SoFine isn't who they thought he was. Oh really? And who's this "Roberts" person?

Barn, the day. Clark grabs a yellow and green vertical gas tank by the nipples up top and moves it. Heh, is that what you were doing last night, Clark? Chloe walks in and thanks God Clark has clothes on. She says she was afraid she'd walk in on a dangerous liaison. Clark says he guesses Chloe talked to Lana. Chloe says she could barely hear Lana through the sobs. Lana called to say she was staying at Aunt Nell's. Aunt Nell? Really? She lives? Well I'll be a stick of cinnamon in some pudding. "So where's the hottie?" Chloe asks. Clark goes to pick up some more nipple tanks and move them. They're hard. "If you're talking about [HypnoHo]," he says haughtily, "she's in the house." Chloe tries to reason it out. She says that if it were "Red K," Clark wouldn't be doing chores, and that if it was "Silver K" affecting him, he'd be afraid the pitchfork in the corner would turn him into a shish kebab. Clark scoffs. "What happened to you, Clark?" she asks. Clark says he fell in love. Chloe says she thinks Clark was pushed...off a cliff. Without looking at her, Clark says that just because Chloe knows his secret doesn't mean she knows how he feels. Chloe says he'd never intentionally hurt Lana. Clark counters that Chloe has told him his relationship with Lana won't go anywhere as long as he lies. He says that Chloe was right. Chloe asks how things will be different with HypnoHo. Clark says that he told the girl about his powers. Chloe panics. She says that Clark needs to stay away from her, and that she knows when he's being manipulated. Clark moves more nipples as he says that Chloe is crossing the line here. He suggests that Chloe trust him and let him live his life: "Back off."

This is Chloe backing off. She goes to the front door of the Kent home. Opens it without knocking. Looks around. Finds HypnoHo's purse sitting on the kitchen counter. As she's about to go look through it, the mean woman herself comes down the stairs, wrapped in a blue towel. Chloe amps up the charm as she introduces herself. Eek, that wet hair's not doing HypnoHo any favors. Chloe says it's great to finally meet her, even though the girl just met Clark the night before. "Hello," HypnoHo says with uncertainty. She's still wearing her necklace. Chloe says it's great that she's with Clark, because he was just miserable with Lana. She says she's never seen Clark happier, and that they're perfect for each other. HypnoHo decides that Chloe doesn't need mindwashing, so she takes her hand away from the necklace. "That's nice to hear," she says. "Do you know where he is?" Chloe says that Clark's out in the barn. HypnoHo walks past Chloe. We can see as she walks by that there's a white strap across her back, either a shirt or a bra, under the towel. Sorry to ruin the illusion. As HypnoHo leans out the screen door and says, "Clark! I need you!" Chloe goes through the purse quickly. She finds an ID card and then puts everything back where it was.

Honduras. All the townspeople are wearing sweaters and jackets. It must be cold down there in tropical Central America. A large transport vehicle is driving through a neatly paved road. Lex, in his Action Wear White Suit, is in the passenger seat. A giant logo at the bottom of the screen alerts me to Pepper Dennis. Is that a dish at The Olive Garden? The vehicle stops. Lex gets out of the car. He approaches a makeshift tent. The car drives away. Inside, there's a laptop on a table and lots of props from Land's End. Lex finds an interesting sculpture on a table. He's examining it when SoFine appears. "I would have had tea and petit fours waiting, but I didn't expect you so soon," SoFine says. Oh, you! "You knew I was coming," Lex says in surprise. He suspected when he heard you breathing hard. SoFine says that when you leave a trail of breadcrumbs, it's no surprise when the crow comes calling. Caw! Lex says that a simple phone call would have sufficed. SoFine says that he couldn't reveal himself until he knew Lex was committed to his cause. Lex steps forward and quietly says, "I already know what you are." Oh man. Hot times in the cold jungle. It's the Gayest Look of the Episode. SoFine's finger, behind his back, becomes a steel spike. Whups. Wrong toy. Lex says that SoFine's not a professor of history, but something much more exciting. Lex reveals the secret he knows: that SoFine is an operative for a secret branch of the State Department. SoFine scoffs in relief. He puts his dangerous pike finger away. It smells like Honduran. Lex asks about the benefits of being a government operative. "Very good," says SoFine. SoFine says that Lex found that breadcrumb on his own. And it's stale and moldy. Lex asks what SoFine was doing posing as a college professor in a small Kansas town. SoFine says he was investigating an extraterrestrial presence. Lex is intrigued. He follows SoFine out of the tent and asks if the investigation bore any fruit. Mmm, Honduran fruits. SoFine says that a ship landed during the meteor shower, but that a person with quick reflexes and vast resources got to it before they could. Man, this SoFine is brainy. Lex guesses that's why SoFine was investigating LuthorCorp. SoFine says that he admires Lex's work in science. Film? Not so much. "Too bad you couldn't get into that ship when you had the chance," SoFine tells Lex. Lex thinks SoFine knows where to find the ship. SoFine yaks about the Mayans believing they were visited by beings from the heavens. "You think the ship's in Honduras," Lex says. "Well, I'm certainly not here for the coffee," says SoFine, walking back to the tent. I would totally be there for the coffee. Dramatic music plays as Lex absorbs that news.

Commercials. Psychedelic M&Ms. The best kind.

Daily Planet. I guess Lois really did sleep over, because she's with Chloe at the newspaper. Chloe tells Lois that she thinks Clark is suffering from some kind of supercharged hypnosis. That's just like regular hypnosis, except it's, like...supercharged. Yeah. So...did I mention I had a really fun hiatus? Why is Chloe wearing a red neckband? Did she get bitten by a vampire again? Lois is dubious. Chloe thinks it's not regular over-the-counter hypnosis. This is prescription-strength mixed metaphor. Chloe pulls up her trusty computer screen. She says that HypnoHo's father was a world-renowned hypnotist who cured people of lots of afflictions, from cravings to cancer. That's some good-ass hypnosis. Lois says that maybe she can talk to the guy about her nail-biting issue. "It's a little late for that," Chloe says, and it's hilarious the look Lois gives her until we realize that the reason Chloe said it is that the dude is dead. Chloe pulls up a newspaper story with the simple headline "HYPNOTIST MURDERED." I prefer "Hypnotist follows pendulum with eyes, gets sleepy, feels relaxed, snaps fingers, then dies." Chloe says that he was killed during a botched burglary. The man in the photo totally looks like Darrell Hammond with a black suit and a giant black goatee. He's wearing the ugly green jewel around his neck. Lois says she's seen that jewel. "So have I," Chloe says, "around Simone's scrawny little neck." Catty! Chloe says it's a family heirloom that dates back to the "Great Alchemists" in medieval England. Oh, alchemy is true in Smallville, apparently. Just thought you'd want to know. Chloe says that it was the only thing stolen. Then that wasn't really a botched burglary, was it? Lois asks if Chloe thinks the girl killed her own father. Chloe suggests that getting those powers may have made her do it. Chloe thinks it's cocky that the girl wears it around like an Olympic medal. Lois wonders why she'd go after Clark, of all people. Chloe doesn't know, but thinks they should help Clark before he does something irreversible. Chloe and Lois keep handing each other, for no apparent reason, the card Chloe stole. Lois suggests that they get going. Chloe stalls, saying she has to grab something before they go. She opens a drawer. She looks around to make sure nobody's watching. The music gets creepy. Chloe pulls out a dull meteor rock from a metal case in her desk.

Honduras. Some of the best-dressed kids living near crappy huts are playing a little street soccer. Nice regulation jerseys. Is your village sponsored by Nike? SoFine and Lex approach one of the kids. SoFine asks where somebody is. The kid points to a hut nearby where another kid is sitting outside. Nice Spanish, SoFine. SoFine asks to see the thing the kid is playing with. "Seguro," the kid says and hands it over. It's a clay model of the spaceship Lex is looking for. SoFine says that the kid's dad carved it, believing it to be the "Carro de los Dioses." "Chariot of the Gods," Lex translates. Actually, that would be "Car of the Gods," but maybe it's a really nice car. At least that's what the Closed Captioning says. I think SoFine may have actually gotten it right. Lex says that he wants to talk to the dad. SoFine takes Lex aside and explains that the dude is dead. SoFine says that the wife came home and found the guy's charred remains on the floor. Ew. Charro of the Gods. Lex tosses the clay ship back to the kid, who doesn't look too sad to have had his father burnt to a smoldering crispie. Lex tells SoFine that, despite urban legends, humans don't spontaneously combust. SoFine says that he believes whatever's in the ship incinerated the guy. He goes on to say that the aliens pose a threat to the entire planet. They're, like, all Tommyknockers and shit. Lex asks how to defend against such a threat. SoFine sighs. He says it's a big challenge. They're working on a weapon that would benefit from LuthorCorp's assistance. He compliments Lex's tenacity in seeking alien life. Lex says that he'll help, but he wants unrestricted access to all of SoFine's data. SoFine calls it a "bold request." Lex plays hardball. SoFine tries to, er, straighten Lex out. He says that if they don't work together, there might not be a LuthorCorp or a government left. "Think about that on your flight home," SoFine says. Yeah! Think about it. You dapper, white-clad bald man. You think on that.

Kent home. Clark is bounding down the stairs with that smile that says, "I got laid! In my parents' house! And I was loud!" We hear the screen door open and shut. Clark goes toward the living room just as Lois Lane is entering the house, uninvited. Isn't that against the law of nature for scene-sucking vampires? "Whoa. Where you off to, Romeo? A motel with, uh, vibrating beds?" Not cool, Lois. Mind your own breastwax. Clark says that he's going to California: "That way I can escape your running commentary." I finish typing that last sentence and look up at the TV, eyes wide, blinking. You think you can escape the running commentary? Fool! Bwah ha ha ha ha! "My running commentary says you're hypnotized," Lois says. Mine just says he's gay. Lois tells Clark that he's not going anywhere. Clark says that she should stand aside. Lois pushes his shoulder back and tells him that, if necessary, she's going to have to take him down. Shouldn't there be some bubbly cutesy music here? Nope. Just dead air, I guess. Clark scoffs.

HypnoHo enters the room. "I see we have a visitor," she says. Now we get the cutesy music. Lois puts on the glasses they give you at the optometrist when they dilate your pupils. She tells HypnoHo to turn Clark back to normal before she rips out her pearly white teeth. Yikes! Lois is a crazy-ass bitch. "Clark, be a love and knock her out," says HypnoHo. Lois is skeptical. Clark pats her on the side of the head with one finger. Lois drops like a sack of surgically enhanced potatoes. Clark smiles. MamaKent enters the room and, with concern, asks what happened. HypnoHo, who now has straight hair, touches her neck jewel, above her trumped-up cleavage, and tells MamaKent to do whatever it takes to stop Lois from following them. MamaKent nods. She asks where Clark's going. "We're leaving Smallville," says Clark. "Forever." "And you couldn't be more thrilled," HypnoHo tells her. MamaKent dazedly tells them to have a wonderful time. Clark hugs his mom. MamaKent waves goodbye as they leave. HypnoHo says that they have to stop at the Luthor mansion. She says she needs Clark to do her one small favor. "Whatever you need," Clark says. "Clark, you're gonna kill Lex Luthor," she says. Thunderous music plays. Clark smiles. "He's a dead man," Clark declares. The tympanis play. The slide whistle expands. Drama!

Commercials. Man, is it just me, or are half the commercials on TV right now for phone companies, phone services, and phone-related ringtones and bullshit watch-movies-on-your-cell services? Gah!

Lois Lane wakes up on the Kent floor later that evening with the worst headache. "Ow," she says. She looks up and sees MamaKent cocking a shotgun and pointing it at her. Stop or my MamaKent will shoot! Lois asks what she's doing. "Stay right where you are," MamaKent Annie Oakleys. Lois tries to talk her way out of the situation. Never a good plan. She slowly gets up. MamaKent, still pointing the shotgun, says she doesn't like it, but that it's the only way to keep Lois there. Something whacks MamaKent across the face. She drops. Chloe, holding a big rolling pin, says, "Oh my God. I just knocked out Martha Kent." Lois tells Chloe that the woman was about to wallpaper the living room with her brain matter. Isn't she lovable, folks? Lois Lane, ladies and gentleman. Your Lois Lane, right there. Chloe agrees, sorta. She asks where Clark went. Lois says that they were talking about going to Lex's place. Lois goes to the fridge and grabs a bag of cold fruit to put on her head. She suggests that Chloe stay there, but when she turns around, Chloe has pulled a Clark, disappearing from the room before Lois can finish her sentence. Nice one. The rolling pin rolls on the table. "Mrs. Kent?" Lois asks. MamaKent, face down on the floor, lets out a tiny moan.

Lair of Lex. Lex enters the double doors and sees Clark standing there, looking pissed. Lex says that it's always nice to be welcomed home after a long trip, but that he didn't expect to see Clark. Out of bed. Clark grabs Lex by the shirt and flings him thirty feet across the room. That's a well-made shirt. Lex crashes through his nice glass desk. It shatters. Lex tries to play Clark by saying, "Clark, you've been hypnotized. How else could you throw me across the room like that?" "I'm done with you, Lex," says Clark. He's quitting you, dude. Lex hurriedly tries to explain what's happening to Clark before he gets his ass kicked. He tells Clark that HypnoHo is a stone-cold murderer. "Your lies can't help you now!" Clark says, and pushes Lex against a post. If Clark really meant it, Lex wouldn't even have a shoulder anymore. Clark spins Lex around for some frontal assault and rears his fist back. Lex hurriedly explains that HypnoHo was just a small-time shoplifter, and that her dad never trusted her with the jewel, so she killed him. Natch. Clark hesitates. Lex says that he has the whole thing on surveillance tape. And on YouTube.com.

HypnoHo walks in and tells Clark that he doesn't believe anything Lex is saying. "My security is on its way," Lex sputters. Ha. Good luck with that, dude. HypnoHo tells Lex that she's met his security team. She gave them all the day off. Also? They suck! Lex is like, "Damn, why can't I just hire big black bodyguards named 'Tiny' like everybody else?" HypnoHo tells Clark to finish him off (no, wait, Clark, not like that!) and make him suffer. Clark raises Lex up with the popular choke-hold move. Kryptonians invented that, by the way. HypnoHo is totally getting turned on.

We hear a strange buzzing sound, and suddenly Clark's not feeling so good. He drops Lex. Chloe is standing behind Clark as he falls. She's holding the glowing meteor rock from her desk. Chloe whispers, "I'm sorry, Clark," as she covertly shoves the rock in his jacket pocket. Members Only? Try Achilles' Menswear, Clark. Clark writhes and moans. Lex fishes in HypnoHo's purse looking for a pad, but finds her gun instead. He points it at HypnoHo. She's already touching the jewel and telling Lex to kill Chloe. We zoom in on the unattractive jewel again. Inside, the eye is still seeing evil things. "And then kill yourself," HypnoHo advises Lex. Lex turns to shoot Chloe. Chloe dives for the gun and wrestles Lex's arm for it. Clark watches as they spin. The gun goes off. We watch the bullet fly in slow motion toward HypnoHo. It shatters the cartoon jewel into a jillion pieces. Aw. I wanted to see her use it in Hollywood to get Basic Instinct 3 made. I wasn't sure if she was killed before, but on closer inspection, it looks like HypnoHo has a bullet hole right in her sternum. Smell ya later, Seductrash. Chloe and Lex look at the girl in horror. Will anyone be implicated in this murder? Ha. What show did you think you were watching? Chloe goes to Clark and relieves him of his pocket downer. She tosses the meteor rock down the hall. I'm sure Lex will never find it there. Lex watches Clark get up. Chloe asks if he's all right. "I think so," Clark says. Lex just stares.

Daily Planet. Clark and Chloe are walking down some stairs. All they did was replace the high-school hallway with the newspaper. "I feel like I just woke up from a bad dream," Clark says. Fuck, man, me too. Clark says that he remembers all the gory details. Attempting tact, Chloe asks if he and HypnoHo ever actually..."No! Thank God," says Clark. All right, I call complete and total bullshit. HypnoHo was totally digging on Clark, she had complete control over him, and she didn't have sex with the guy she planned to spend the rest of her life with? She didn't test-drive the goods that whole night? I don't believe that bullshit for a second and neither should you. Booooo. I really thought this episode would end up with Clark realizing he could have sex with women with his superpowers after his experience with HypnoHo and that he'd finally be able to get it on with Lana again. Chloe says that the moral of the story is not to gaze into the eyes of a seductive woman with a jewel around her neck. Right. I'll make a note of that one. "Unless of course her name is Lana Lang," Chloe amends. Of course. Chloe asks if Lana and Clark have talked and made up yet. Clark doesn't answer. He hasn't talked to her. Chloe asks what he's waiting for. Chloe explains that Lana knows what happened and that she's cool with it, apparently: "She'll understand." "Maybe I don't want her to understand," he says quietly. He explains that the incident gave him the guts to do what he wouldn't have otherwise: "It broke me and Lana up." Didn't you break up already?

Chloe leads Clark out of the room and asks if he's still "hypnoed." Clark asks how many times he can break someone's heart before it crumbles into pieces. Sure, ask Chloe that. That's nice. She probably has a number in mind. Chloe says it wasn't Clark's fault. Clark says that Lana wasn't hypnotized. Her feelings were real, and Clark realized, "My power to hurt Lana is greater than all my powers put together." I'm going to take a quick break and go throw up now. I'll be right back. (Ten minutes later...) Ah, much better. Oh. Wait. There's more. (Five minutes later...) Damn Doritos. All right, where were we? Chloe says that meeting a girl like HypnoHo isn't an everyday occurrence. Clark says that hurting Lana has become one. Clark says that as long as he lies to her he's going to cause her pain. Chloe says that as long as Clark doesn't set the record straight, Lana will always hate him. Clark says that maybe that's not such a bad thing. Dude, why couldn't this have happened two seasons ago? Clark sits in a corner. He self-pities that Lana can get on with her life and find someone she deserves. Chloe says that if Clark does this, game over, no more quarters left. She says Clark will be saying goodbye forever, and it will crush Lana. "Please, just think long and hard before you do this for good." Thinking long and hard? This sounds like a job for...anyone but Clark Kent. For once, I feel sorry for Lana.

Commercials. Memoirs Of A Geisha. Ignore it a second time on DVD.

Kent farm at dusk. It's magic-hour time! Clark is standing at the loft window staring out at the sun. Ow. Lana comes up the stairs to the loft. She hesitates at the last few steps, and then makes her way up. Lana, dressed in black, says she's climbed those stairs so many times, but they seem steeper than ever. Maybe they're as high as a trip to Metropolis is short. Clark says he didn't want to bother Lana at school. She says he can spare her the "I'm sorry" speech. She knows about the hypnotism. Clark looks scared. "I need to be honest with you," he says. Or not. Lana smiles. "That would be refreshing," she says. Clark, framed by the big, fake, CGI sunset, says he doesn't know how else to say it. With his back to her, he says that his feelings for her have changed. Lana looks skeptical. She comes around to face him. She dares him to look her in the eye and tell her he doesn't love her. Clark takes a moment. He turns and faces Lana. Don't burn her to a crisp! Wait, what am I saying? Clark, burn her to a crisp! Oh, who am I kidding? For once, she's not in the wrong. "I don't love you," Clark tells Lana. Ooh, snap! Lana stumbles backward, tears in her eyes. She sits on the couch. Tilts her head. She speechifies, "I have waited for you to grow up, to get over whatever hang-ups you have." Clark kneels in front of her. He says he never meant to hurt her. Except for that you just did. "I don't want another Clark Kent apology," Lana tells him, and then whispers, "It's over." Oh, stop with your lies. "Forever," Lana finishes. Now Clark really looks freaked out. Lana walks away. Clark gets some tears of his own. Tinkly music plays. We hear Lana clomp down the stairs. Clark is heartbroken. Again.

Flyover above the Honduras jungle. Down at ground level, the spacecraft sits. We pan underneath it, where a pool of black oil bubbles and forms into the human form of Professor SoFine. He's wearing a black unitard. Uh...all right, then. A second shape forms to him. SoFine turns. Another Professor SoFine stands nearby, wearing the same unitard. SoFine (x2)! SoFines! the first SoFine says, "We need more samples." Two other SoFines across the ship nod. The four SoFines superzip in four different directions. Samples! Lex and Clark are in for the best orgy ever.

Kent Farm, daytime. I think the cows are forgetting what Bo's bellow sounded like. MamaKent pours tea for Clark. "How did she take it?" she asks. With sugar and warm milk. Oh, the breakup. Sorry. I got distracted. "I've never seen her so hurt," Clark says, offering a wan smile. It was like watching a tree rodent of some sort fall out of a tree. Clark says she was angry, too, and that saying those words to her was the hardest thing he's ever had to do. Not like burying his dad or finding his wife murdered or anything easy like that. MamaKent tells him he's an adult, and that adult relationships rarely end the way we want them to. Meanwhile, MamaKent is wondering how she can take Lois hostage by gunpoint again. Clark says he figured it was either make a clean break or tell Lana his secret. MamaKent says that maybe there was more to it than just protecting his secret. Clark looks confused. MamaKent wonders if Clark didn't tell her because deep down he doesn't think she's The One. Sad music plays. Clark says that he'll always love Lana. MamaKent says that he didn't just break Lana's heart; he gave her a reason to hate him. Smooth move, chocolate suppository. MamaKent hopes that Lana's anger doesn't drive her to do something they'll all regret. Like steal everyone's nuts for the winter.

Lair of Lex. Lex sits by the fire, watching it flicker and glow. Lana walks in. Oh, great. Lex is all thrilled that she's there, and starts to explain about Professor SoFine's revelation until Lana interrupts and says she's not there to talk about him: "I actually wanted you to be the first to know." Lex asks if everything's all right. Lana says that she and Clark broke up. For real. Lana says he's sorry. Lana shushes that away. She says she feels like hundreds of tons of thecrets and lieth have been lifthed off her shoulderths. Lana says that Lex knows what it's like to be friends with Clark. With benefits! Lana says that you never know if he's telling the truth, and you can never trust him. Lex sits to Lana on the couch. By the fire. Oh geez. Lex actually sticks up for Clark a little, saying that he's not the easiest person to get along with. It's actually a nice gesture, even if it's secretly manipulative. Lana waves that away, telling Lex not to defend Clark. She asks how she could have been so stupid. Lex tells her she's not stupid. Lame? Yes. Stupid? Not quite so much as Lois. Lana looks to Lex. He tells her she just put her trust in the wrong person. Lex looks conflicted. We go to blackout.

A title card reads, "In Memory of DANA REEVE (1961-2006). Donations can be made in Dana's Memory to the Christopher Reeve Foundation at ChristopherReeve.org.

week: Lana asks Clark for help when she gets all strung out on Harry Potter's magic parental memory mirror. But you guys are on a break!