Bo Duke has gone from farm rube to total political rube, wearing the cheaply pressed suit of a man way in over his head on the campaign trail. Someone else must have noticed, too, because in the first segment, an assassin tries to take him down at a political rally. And who is pulling the trigger? Lois Lane? Wow, she's really going to have to be a lot more objective than that if she's ever going to be a reporter. We go back in time to discover that the plot against Bo (the "Bo must go" plot) is led by three young workers in the Lex Luthor campaign, one of whom is a really, really dumb girl with a huge crush. The Manchurian Dumb-Ass attacks Bo in his barn before deciding that it would be even better just to kill Bo off so that Lex will win the state election. When Lex finds out, he rebuffs the girl even though she tells him about her shenanigans while flashing her boobies. Meanwhile, MamaKent has doubts about the race, but is still trying to be supportive. She turns down an offer of financial assistance from Papa Luthor even though she's sorely tempted. Lana, who is asking lots of questions of Clark about astronomy, whines that they haven't had sex since Clark had that near-death experience that gave him back his powers. Clark is like, "Oh yeah. Sex. I remember that. Huh." He's afraid he's going to punch right through her cervix like a speeding...uh...projectile. Clark stupidly tells Chloe about all this, putting her in an absurdly awkward position, albeit one in which her cervix is in much less danger. Clark apologizes to Lana for being less than honest (even though he lies in his apology) and for not nailing her sooner. Back to that assassination plot: Lois, who somehow became Bo's campaign manager, is forced at gunpoint to wield the rifle. She shoots, but Clark saves the day, of course. In the end, MamaKent decides to take Papa Luthor's offer after all. Either that or she's just getting into his limo at the end for some nookie that doesn't smell like it's been around the cows all day.
Could it be we're already ten episodes into Season 5? Am I the only one who feels that with the exit of Professor SoFine, that there's not really much going on? Folks running for state senator? Lana trying to figure out Clark's secret? It's not that things suck, they just aren't really that exciting, right? Guess they'll have to kill someone off.
Nonetheless, we bravely venture forth. Er, fifth, sorry. I forget myself.
We open the episode with people off-camera cheering as someone opens the case to a dismantled rifle. There's .308 "Performance Ammunition." It's that weekend performance ammunition that helps you fire your gun for thirty-six hours at a time. A person wearing gloves screws the pieces of the rifle together. The sniper rifle comes together nicely. But will the plot?
We cut to someone holding up a blinding red-white-blue sign that reads "VOTE KENT for STATE SENATE." Someone on the Kent campaign staff paid good money for those oversized foam hands that say "#1!" There are quite a lot of people at this rally, and they're completely jazzed because there's nothing else to do in Kansas except follow state politics.
Cut back to the would-be assassin, who is loading up the sniper rifle with those very large bullets. Johnny Smith, no!
Bo Duke is introduced as the state senator of Kansas. A "KENT" sign humorously shows Bo wearing a rugged denim jacket and passing pleasing wind. Bo dazedly wanders onstage. He's wearing a business suit. His hair is combed. He waves like a Kennedy. And the crowd goes wild. Bo smiles to MamaKent, who is beaming from the audience. She wanted to bring muffins for everyone, but she passed out after the first twenty dozen. Bo thanks everyone for coming out this evening, and the gay constituency goes, "Haaaaay!" As do the gay horses when asked what they eat. Heh heh, I love that joke. Bo is impressed that everyone showed up to hear some farmer talk about corn subsidies. Bo, you had us at "cor." Especially those of us who were fans of Penfold on Danger Mouse. The crowd doesn't really laugh. It sort of uncomfortably shifts and titters as if everyone's thinking, "Good God, that's not his platform, is it?" Bo reaches into his pocket for the rest of his killer jokes. "Uh, I just flew in from Smallville, and boy is my asshole puckered from all the cornholing! No, wait, damn! Wrong set of notes!" Bo says that when he told his family he wanted to run for office, they were surprised. He says they didn't really understand...long pause...why he wanted to run. We cut to a shot of the sniper cocking the rifle. The tip of the gun pokes out up high in the rafters. Bo's gigantic head somehow fits in the scope of the gun. Bo says he's running to help the rich as well as the poor (yeah, good luck with that, senator) and to put the heart back in the heartland. Also, the Vern back in government and the elation back in legislation. The audience totally digs his clever wordplay. They're looking forward to state bills that have a strong storyline and likeable characters. Bo kisses his note cards at MamaKent. She kisses back with her actual hands.
The sniper takes aim. The camera spins around to reveal the would-be assassin. It's Lois Lane. She looks a little nauseated. Bo waves happily. Lois's mildly bloodshot green and hazel eye is zoomed in on through the rifle scope. She hesitantly pulls the trigger. The gun goes off. The CGI bullet spins right toward us. We go to black. Agh, you fucking shot us! No fair!
Opening credits.
Commercials. I think the GEICO gecko is gay. Not because he acts that way, but because it's alliterative.
Stately Luthor Manor at night. A title card reads, "48 Hours Earlier." Ooh, the clever narrative jump back in time. Bold, that. Lex's office is decorated with giant posters for his campaign. My wife and I were in the Rio Grande Valley recently and there were billboards for "Omar '06" all over the place. The Omar in question was sitting on a bench or something and leaning forward like he was taking an especially challenging dump. Like the kind of dump where you need to get at least one foot anchored on the floor to get some leverage going. I'm just saying I bet that's going to be an interesting race. Campaign advisers are taking notes as Lex is going over his itinerary for the day. He tells his assistant to push back a lunch with the mayor in order to schedule a photo op at the hospital. He says that the nurse's union is "key in the 49th." Lex wants poll numbers from the night before.
The assistant introduces a group entering the Lair of Lex. They're Students for Luthor from Central Kansas A&M. Oh, awesome. That's just what Lex needs -- campaign help from the community college. Maybe you guys should, you know, be in class? Learning some stuff? The assistant tells Lex that he's got five minutes, tops. Interesting nickname. The students are two dudes flanking a blonde girl wearing a black business jacket and a lavender blouse. There are other folks in the group, but they're all wearing cheesy black t-shirts featuring Lex's tiny head and the words "Vote Lex" in puffy white paint instead of suits. Brooding music plays. Teens are trouble! Lex stands up, circles around his desk, and begins, "Thucydides said..." and everyone in the world, me included, dozes off instantly. When I wake up, my Safari browser is set to this page, which doesn't make me any less sleepy. Apparently, this dude said that "We're either kings among men or the pawns of kings." Judging from his wealth, I'm guessing Thucydides was one of the kings. Lex says that this group must strive for the kings bit: "The youth vote is stronger than we ever expected." It is? Really? This must be set in Bizarro World (world, world)! The girl in the middle, LexFan, stares at Lex intensely, her lips glistening. Lex says that we can't afford to be complacent. Sure, that's cool. I mean, whatever. Lex says that great leaders are those who go beyond the extra mile. So, two miles then? Sounds doable. "They go the extra 10," Lex says. Aw, crap. I'm out. Lex says that defeat is not an option, and the youth group bursts into spontaneous applause because they've never heard a cliché before.
Lex shakes hands with people in the group. The blonde steps forward and delivers the wooden line "Samantha Drake -- president of Students for Lex Luthor." She should have studied with "Joe Anybody -- acting coach for WB guest stars." Lex says that he should thank her personally for his spike in the MTV vote. Rock the Vote, dudes! MTV! Woo! Would it kill them to make it MySpace.com or something remotely more relevant? The girl keeps staring and smiling at Lex. He shifts a bit uncomfortably. The assistant gestures that Lex needs to wrap it up. LexFan says she'd be "so psyched" if she could get her picture taken with him. Lex says he'll do anything to keep up morale with the troops. One of the suited dudes smiles like he's going to pass out from the vapors. LexFan asks Lex's assistant to take the picture. Awesome. I'm running a campaign here and you treat me like I'm some random dude at Disney World. Let's see if I can keep the lens cap on here. LexFan wants to get a painting in the background into the photo. She says it's the one Papa Luthor gave Lex when he closed the Metrotech deal. Lex says she sounds like she's done her homework. No, actually she ditched her homework for this and to make her I (Heart) Lex collage. The assistant snaps a photo, and Lex widens his eyes at the bright flash and chuckles. Lex notices that LexFan is wearing a Carrie Bradshaw necklace with the word "Lex" on it. "I used to wear a cross," LexFan says when she catches Lex's eye. He's so much cooler than Jesus. Lex excuses himself to catch a limo. More spontaneous applause.
In the hallway, Lex answers his cell phone. It's Griff Brady. He says that Lex wanted a grenade to throw at the Kent campaign, and that Griff's found an atomic bomb. That would be worse, then. Lex says they're not talking on a secure line. Griff tells Lex to meet him at Rampart and Broadway. Not for the dirt; he wants to see a show. Yay, Aida!
Griff gets out of the phone booth and almost runs right into Papa Luthor, who is standing there waiting patiently. Scary! "Atomic warfare?" Papa Luthor asks smoothly. He asks if that isn't a little strong for local politics. Apparently, Griff didn't notice the town car with its headlights flashing right at the phone booth. Griff pulls out a gun and points it at Papa Luthor. Papa Luthor raises his hands slightly, but uses one of them to reveal the contents of his pocket. It's a big wad of cash. He says he believes that, in the political weapons trade, the deal usually goes to the highest bidder. Griff nods. He hands over a manila envelope without asking how much cash is there. Papa Luthor looks at what's on the single sheet of paper. He takes out a lighter and burns it. Griff is like, "Heeeeey! I downloaded some custom fonts and clip art to put that together! You bastard!" Papa Luthor stares darkly at Griff over the flames. That's a lot of fire for one sheet of paper. Papa Luthor raises his eyebrows hilariously and smiles at Griff.
Kent Farm. Bo Duke, wearing a dull business suit and pomade in his hair, sits down at a very stagy-looking desk. There's an American flag and shelves lined with legal books Bo will never, ever read. It's like the West Chicken Wing. A photo staff takes photos as Bo pretends to be interested in the contents of a folder. The cows totally think Bo has sold out. "Is this for real?" asks Lois Lane, who strides into the room without an invitation. Isn't that against the rules for energy-sucking vampires like her? Bo says that all of this stuff was trucked in from Metropolis. Lois jokes that she expects a mobster to pop out of the shadows and plug her. Huh? Bo doesn't get it either.
MamaKent and Clark emerge, both dolled up. MamaKent is wearing a very flattering green business suit, but she looks miserable as a makeup lady follows her. Clark is wearing a suit, and his tie is crooked. "Wow!" Bo says. MamaKent whines, "It's not exactly us." Maybe it's better than us. Clark, in plain sight of the person he's referring to, asks Bo whether this guy knows what he's doing. He's talking about a nebbishy campaign strategist whom Bo says helped his friend Jack win five elections. That guy doesn't look old enough to have helped with two elections. Lois says that the guy is trying to turn Bo into a Luthor. "Is there a problem?" AdvisorMan asks. Lois asks him if he's ever actually met the Kents. I ask Lois if she's ever actually met someone she was polite to. Lois says that Bo's biggest strength is that people relate to him. She says that local farmers aren't going to vote for some business blowhard. "No offense," she tells Bo. Some taken. The strategist says, "That's called bridging the demo gap, dear." Lois asks if that gap also means misquoting the candidate. Bo, who has somehow figured out how to decipher the words that are printed to make a newspaper, reads, "'It is possible to serve corporate interests and maintain public welfare,'" and says that he never said that. Well, maybe you should have, doofus. "I did!" Babyface Strategist says proudly. The guy reasons that Bo may appeal to the cowpokes, but that he won't attract the venti latte crowd. Indeed. Bo lectures the guy with his new line of political platitudes. He says that he needs someone who cares more about his beliefs than about winning the race. And how do you feel about intelligent design, by the way? Bo tells the guy he's fired. Everyone smiles except Babyface. He tells his crew to pack it up so that he can take his football and go home. Lois tells Bo that, while that totally rocked, she doesn't know how he'll find a replacement anytime soon. Bo looks at Lois's chest and makes a grave decision. "I do," he tells them/her. Bo hands Lois his important folder and she waffles, asking what she knows about running a campaign. "What do I know about being a state senator?" Bo asks. Awesome. The platform of ignorance. You guys are going to stumble your way into some kind of idiot grace. A phone rings. Lois lets Bo answer the phone because she's already working so hard. MamaKent and Clark wait about five more minutes to exchange looks of surprise.
Bo answers the phone in the hall. A computerized-sounding voice tells him it's his last chance to drop out of the campaign. This is what you get when you hook up your house phone to dudes playing on Xbox Live. "I told you not to call here again," Bo says. And no, he doesn't want the Sports Illustrated football phone. Bo looks worried. He opens a very tiny and ornate pill box and takes one of the red pills out. It looks like a Mike & Ike candy.
At the Central Kansas A&M campus, Lois is putting campaign posters up on a post. Is that really the best use of her time as campaign manager? The post she's trying to staple onto is plastered with a bunch of Kent posters that have been attached over a bunch of Lex posters. Isn't that against campus rules? LexFan walks up and tears one of Lois's posters down. Lois asks what she's doing. LexFan explains, while her fey thugs watch, that campaign posters can be no bigger than 20 x 24. Lois tells the girl that she's taking the "Campus Gestapo" thing way too seriously. Yeah, compare people to Nazis. That's how we know Lois is sane and rational. The girl tells Lois that the state's future depends on it. "How do you know my name?" Lois asks. The girl quotes Lex saying, "Always know your enemy." I'm not sure it was Lex who came up with that one, but whatever. Lois, looking five years older than she did even last season, says that Lex is treating the election like a hostile takeover, and that's what he'll do to do the state. Woohoo! We're totally annexing Missouri! Lois takes pleasure in telling LexFan that Bo Duke is neck-and-neck with LexFan's "fascist environmental annihilator." LexFan doesn't much like that. She walks off in a huff. Lois makes a weird face. As she walks off with her crew, LexFan grouses that they need to set the bar higher. The one that Lex set. The bar, that is. To a higher bar setting. Maybe, like 7. "Defeat is not an option," she says. This chick has no friends.
Metropolis at night. Lana is poring over space porn. Lots of satellite photos and data. Ooh, spread for me, galaxy. Spread! Man, that's good big bang. She takes notes, hunched over a desk lamp. We get a shot of her dorm bed. It looks awfully lonely. There's a knock. Lana goes to answer; it's Clark. They kiss. Clark immediately goes and lies down on Lana's bed. Now, why didn't I ever think of that in college? Lana guesses that Clark's had a long day of campaigning. He says it's been a long day of Lois. Dude, that last scene was more Lois than I'd want in a day. Lana suggests that instead of making a fool of herself at the ice rink, they could stay in tonight. It doesn't occur to Clark that his last date at an ice rink was with his dead wife?
More kissing. Clark rolls over on top of Lana. She says "Ow," and Clark immediately jumps out of bed, asking if he hurt her. Lana just rolled over a small planetary rotation model. Clark looks very troubled. He has boner shame. Lana stands up to kiss him some more, but Clark says that maybe they should just go. He's just not that into your vagina, Lana. Lana says this is awkward, but that they haven't been together since she came to Met U. You know, been together. Clark takes a deep breath trying to say what it is they haven't had. "Sex," Lana finishes for him. Ouch. It's like she slapped him. With a dildo. Clark smiles weakly. Lana says that surely Clark has noticed. Clark thinks about the back room at Club Throb and says nothing. Lana says that things haven't been the same between them since Clark miraculously came back from the dead. He orders brains at every restaurant, his skin looks green, and he's got a giant hole in his torso. Clark strides past Lana and says to the wall that the experience changed him. It made his penis shy and dainty around girls. Lana says that she may not understand his ordeal, but that he's still the same person. "It feels like you're afraid to touch me anymore," Lana says, ungrammatically. Clark looks like he's going to throw up. "Did something happen?" she asks. A bum touched his bum. Lana gets frustrated and reminds Clark that they weren't supposed to be keeping secrets now. Clark sighs, "Why is this about me?" Because you're the asshole right now. Clark snipes that Lana's the one who moved to Metropolis two weeks after they got together. He goes on to say that she's spending too much time with her books. He calls her astronomy interest an obsession. "And that thing about honesty? It works both ways," he grouses. Wow. Clark is very Mr. Flinchy right now. Lana thinks about it and finally says, "Nice deflection." She says she doesn't fall for that anymore. It only took five years. She says she's going to go get some air. To cool off her privates.
Kent Farm at night. Bo is in the barn, wearing goggles and chainsawing a hunk of wood. Shouldn't Lois be doing this? You know, Bo, part of your duties as a candidate is not to build your own ballot boxes. Bo picks up a piece of paper on the floor. It's a crumpled photo of himself from a campaign poster. The Chinese Water Torture sound plays as Bo turns and sees a young guy, all in black, standing there trying to look scary. He's one of LexFan's goons. "Just who the hell are you?" Bo asks. The guy backs away and takes off as Bo calls out, asking if he's the guy who's been calling. As Bo comes around a corner, the other unthreatening thug whacks Bo in the stomach with a bat. Bo doubles over and gets hit in the back. LexFan approaches Bo. We get an overhead shot of Bo lying on the ground.
Commercials. The hundredth episode is coming up. Get ready to say goodbye to someone.
The Talon at night. MamaKent, wearing quite the saucy short skirt, is dumping some trash out back. She sees a campaign poster for Bo in a flower shop's window and sighs. As she stares at it, she sees someone reflected on the glass. She turns with a gasp and sees Papa Luthor. Papa says that it's true what they say: behind every great man is a great woman. Sometimes with a strap-on. MamaKent gives him a funny little dubious look. Papa suggests that the campaign must be taking up lots of her time. She says that it is, but that they have lots of help. As she starts to walk off, Papa says that they don't have enough help to win going into the final stretch. Papa somehow knows that the Kent campaign is down to its last dollars. MamaKent is glad that Papa's behind his son, but says she'd never give up on her husband. Papa says she's misunderstanding. He steps forward and offers up a check to match what Lex is spending. "This is more than money to match," MamaKent says, staring at the check. Well, then, get yourself a nice Faberge egg or something. MamaKent goes, "Ooh." She says that Bo Duke would never accept the money. Papa expected Bo to barrel through on "blind idealism," but hoped MamaKent would be more savvy. MamaKent is like, "Damn. You got me. I no savvy." Papa comes in very close and suggests that she has her own reasons not to want Bo to win. Papa backs off and walks away, having won that round neatly.
The Daily Planet basement where nobody except Chloe ever works at night. Chloe is asking Clark why he stopped by, since it wasn't just to drop off a campaign press release. Clark ambushes Chloe, asking, "How far do you want to cross this friendship boundary?" It's an office booty call! Chloe asks when they've ever had boundaries. Maybe when Clark kept telling Chloe to stay off his back and wouldn't tell her his secret for years? Chloe suggests that Clark just leave out the details. It says a lot about Clark that the only person he can talk to about this is the girl who's always been in love with him and whose heart he broke. Clark says that everything was fine with Lana when he was human: "It was great!" Chloe thinks, "Awesome. Do go on, douchebag." "But now that I have my abilities back, it's like...our...sex...life...has been on hiatus." Much like the show. Chloe, looking a bit stunned, goes, "Oh!" She scrunches her face around looking for purchase on this slippery slope. She says she knows she'll regret asking this, but, "Why?" Clark says it takes time to adjust his abilities to new situations. So he's never self-calibrated with masturbation? That sounds like a pretty good way to handle it, so to speak.
Chloe tries to break the tension: "Wow. Awkward factor 8!" She grins, and suggests that Clark is afraid that, in the heat of the moment, he might... "please don't make me finish this sentence, Clark," she pleads. Clark says he's not sure what would happen. Have you ever seen a small person launched out of a circus cannon? It might go...a little something...like that. Ka-boom! "What if I couldn't control myself?" Clark asks, and Chloe stands up, raises her hands, and says that this is something that can never be unseen. Unheard? Clark says it's not funny. Chloe agrees that it isn't, but says that this conversation cements her as Clark's Krypto-hag. That's a very, very good line. It almost makes up for "the MTV crowd" from earlier. Chloe suggests that Clark's been able to handle shaking hands with people and not burning up everyone with his heat vision; she figures this is pretty much the same thing. Chloe obviously doesn't know that much about sex. Chloe says that Clark must already know all of this, so why is he coming to her? Because he's the Biggest Asshole in Kansas? Clark goes on a tangent about how he got comfortable lying to Lana when they were friends, but that it's a lot harder now. Oh, wah wah, big dumb liar. Chloe suggests that Clark is in denial about what Lana knows. She says that Lana is studying astronomy and the meteors. Clark says that he can't tell Lana; it's too risky. Chloe says that Clark's game needs to switch from defense to offense if he's going to keep his secret. She says that Lana will eventually start asking the wrong people the right questions. Clark is still thinking about what "Awkward Factor 8" means. Chloe walks off, probably to go vomit in the bathroom.
Kent home. Clark, apparently back from his jaunt to Metropolis, walks in with MamaKent carrying groceries. Clark says that MamaKent's been quiet. She says that she'll be glad when the election's over. They both hear Shelby the dog barking outside. The go into the barn and find the dog whining. MamaKent looks up and gasps. Bo is strung up from the ceiling, upside-down. "GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN" is painted in red on a rafter. MamaKent gasps. Bo is unconscious. Dramatic! Nice guard work, there, Shelby.
Commercials. Hoodwinked. You know, you could cast Patrick Warburton in every single animated project produced in the future and you wouldn't get any complaints from me.
If you're just joining us, "Smallville politics take an ugly turn." Shots of Lex, Bo, and Lois shooting. Great, now I'm completely lost.
Smallville Medical Clown Trauma Center, judging from the multicolored exterior. Lois, MamaKent and Clark are walking down a hospital hallway. Lois is saying that she moved a rally back one week to give Bo time to recover. "Or not," she says as they walk into the exam room and find Bo up on his feet, putting on a shirt. "I can't let them stop me," Bo says, puffing out his bare chest. Lois goes to make arrangement to keep the rally on schedule. MamaKent says that the doctors wanted Bo to stay overnight. He says that then "they" would be getting exactly what they want. Clark suggests that these people must have called before and Bo was hiding it. Gee, I don't know, Clark, you're the one with super-hearing. Why don't you tell us? MamaKent asks how Bo could have kept this from the family, since they're in this together. "Are we?" he asks. He says that MamaKent's never been happy about his running for office. Ooh, that bat must have whacked some bitter into Bo. MamaKent wails that she's not going to stand by and watch Bo risk his life in the election. "I have got to see this thing through, Martha!" Bo says with intensity. MamaKent spins and storms off. "Do as I say, not as I do, huh, Dad?" Clark says. My son, the idiot. Bo says that he never taught Clark to buckle under pressure, especially not from Lex Luthor. "Lex?" Clark asks. How did Bo know about his belt buckle and the exquisite pressure he got from Lex? Clark asks whether Bo really thinks that Lex was behind this. Bo says that Lex has no limits.
Clark exits, and sees Lex walking up in the hallway. Lex says he heard what happened and wanted to make sure Bo was all right. Where's all the press? Clark says that this is as close as Lex wants to get to Bo right now. Lex is a little hurt that Bo thinks he's responsible. Lex says he issued a press release denouncing the attack and offering a reward for information. "I need you to believe me," Lex says. Clark just stares. Lex, frustrated, walks off. Clark asks him why a state senate seat is so important to him. "It's a stepping stone," Lex replies. "To what?" Clark asks. "It's like Apollo asking Icarus why he's building wings," Lex says. I won't belabor how wrong that last sentence was; feel free to look up the mythology, but damn, Lex usually isn't so far off when it comes to his allusions. Lex says that Clark has what he's always wanted, but that Lex is still searching. "What if you don't win?" Clark asks. Or what if Lex gets there and it's not what he was looking for? What if he wanted to be a fancy pancake chef? "Well, there's always the White House," Lex says. Moment of silence. Lex pushes that aside to promise that they'll find the assailants. He walks away. Clark thinks. It really, really hurts.
Central Kansas A&M campus. A small headline in a newspaper reads, "Kent Attacked, Voters Rally." Oh, and some shit happened in the Middle East, but who cares, right? In what looks like a library room surrounded by Lex posters, LexFan tells her two lackeys, "It didn't work. We failed him." She says she knows what to do now, and has everything in place. One of the guys tells her to chill out. He says that they went too far, and that it backfired. The other guy wants to turn himself in. You wusses! LexFan, who has the odd facial features (at least with her makeup and the lighting in this scene) of a blow-up doll, says that Lex asked them to go the extra ten miles, and that she's the only one willing to do it. She says that there's one thing Bo can't bounce back from. Bovineicide. One of the dudes says that he's going to the cops. LexFan pulls a gun out of her purse and shoots them both. No one on campus hears it, apparently. "Lex...would have never...given up that easily," she manages to say. LexFan walks over to a grimy mirror and slaps herself. Ow! Then she pulls out an industrial set of clipping shears (the kind that has to be plugged in) and pulls back her hair. She just happened to have those clippers around? She starts to shave her head right in the middle. It takes a really long time and doesn't really work very well. I think they only had one shot at this scene and they didn't expect it to take so long for her hair to come off. An overhead shot shows the beginnings of a reverse Mohawk. We cut back to the front view; the shearing is going a lot better now. LexFan stares at herself blankly in the mirror as fully 9/10ths of her hair still remains on her head.
Luthor Mansion at night. Lex is telling someone on his cell phone that he went to meet Griff, but that the guy never showed. "Find out what happened to him," he tells someone. I thought the whole Griff thing was a secret that only Lex and Papa Luthor knew about. Lex, walking into his office, sees LexFan, bald and wearing a robe, swiveling in his chair. Lex motions toward his head and says that he didn't recognize her for a minute. She puts down a drink and comes around the desk to greet him. You know, maybe it's the imprint of seeing the Star Trek movies at a young age or maybe it's V for Vendetta, but bald chicks are definitely not unhot. This girl actually looks better without hair. She takes off her robe as she tells Lex that she wanted to show him how devoted she is to him. Oh man, I hope she only used those giant clippers on her head. Lex, taken aback, chuckles and says that she certainly has. Lex says that he has all the enabling devices he needs. "Though apparently I could use better security," he says. Thank you! Finally! LexFan says that people always say you shouldn't use your birthday as your security code. Lex puts LexFan's robe back on her. LexFan adds that, in this case, it was Lex's brother's birthday. All right. Creepy. Lex says that it's an interesting choice of perfume. "Hermes," she says. "It's your favorite." In an unsexy girly voice, she says, "I know everything about you, Mr. Senator!" Lex says that she's getting ahead of herself. "Not now," she tells him. "Not with Jonathan Kent out of the picture." Oops. Lex says that he would never condone that. LexFan agrees that Lex has to distance himself. LexFan quotes an article about Lex in which he said never to leave yourself vulnerable. Lex asks if she was responsible for the attack on Bo Duke. She says she knows what Lex wants her to do, and that she doesn't want him to take the fall. The music darkens as Lex grabs LexFan by the arms and tells her that she may have read everything about him, but that doesn't mean she knows him: "I would never hurt the Kents." LexFan says he's losing his edge. "And you've clearly gone over it," he responds. LexFan stares like a loon. Lex moves to call Security. She grabs a decanter and breaks it on Lex's head. Ow! I've lost count of Lex's concussions. He falls unconscious. LexFan straddles him and says, "You're just having a moment of weakness. That's why you need me."
Commercials. Beauty And The Geek. I think I would fall under...geek? ["You're the best of both worlds." -- Wing Chun]
Daily Planet. In the hallway, someone is pushing a mop. I have a theory that this cleaning person is going to blackmail Chloe at some point after overhearing all her conversations with Clark. Chloe is listening to Clark's tale of woe, dubious that Lex would be responsible for the attack on Bo. She thinks Lex lives as much for the fight as for the victory. Clark pulls up a list of calls made to their house that day, and says that one of them, which Bo said was a wrong number, was blocked. Chloe gets to work looking up the number. Chloe says it's not like Bo to keep a secret like this. Clark says that Bo's been on a tear about winning this election in order to prove something to everyone. "Maybe just his son," Chloe guesses. She suggests that Bo's got the DC Comics version of penis envy. She says it's tough being a role model to someone who saves people's lives and stops nuclear missiles. Chloe finds a 555 number (without an area code). It's traced to Students for Lex Luthor in Room 139 of the Student Union Building. No city or campus. The search program must expect people to be super-intuitive.
Clark walks into said office, looking to get some revenge for daddy. He turns the corner and finds a trail of blood leading to two bodies. LexFan's two thugs are lying to each other, each with a Lex Luthor cutout mask affixed to his face and some strands of her hair on their chests. This would be disturbing if it wasn't so dumb. Two Lex Luthors lying side by side in what appears to be a sexy suicide pact? In a weird way, it's sort of the Gayest Look of the Episode. I guess no one on campus heard two gunshots in the student union. Clark picks up some strands of hair and wonders what he'd looks like with a kicky wig. He thinks, "I bet this came off of someone's head." Master of deduction! Clark snoops around the room and finds a photo of LexFan standing to Lex. Then he finds a torn-up photo of Bo Duke. The pieces...they're all coming together...follow the clues, dammit! Clark wonders if any of this could have anything to do with any of the rest of the episode.
The rally. Everyone is excited about Bo Duke. Bo is reading from a tiny note card that contains his entire speech and still has room left for a soufflé recipe. It concludes with the line about putting the heart back in the heartland. "Great closing line," Lois says. Liar! Bo says that they're MamaKent's words, not his. Nice. Blame her. He says he hopes she makes it in time to hear his speech. "Are you sure you want to do this?" Lois asks. Yeah, let's just cancel the rally. That'll win the election. Bo asks what kind of candidate he'd be if he let some pranksters make him back down. A pragmatic one? Lois straightens Bo's tie and tells him to knock 'em dead. Just don't platitude them to death, all right? Lois drinks out of Bo's coffee cup. Ew. Why does it taste like Skoal?
The rally stage. Bo waves to the throngs of people. "I...ah...believe...that ah...Ich bin ein Kryptofreak!" Backstage, Lois sees Cancer Boy, or some such youth with a red cap and hoodie. "Hey!" Lois says. LexFan turns and clocks Lois right in the mouth with a pistol. Oof!
On stage, Bo is boring the shit out of everyone.
Backstage, LexFan is pointing a gun at Lois, who is just regaining consciousness. LexFan's bald head is visible. "Talk about an initiation gone wrong," Lois snarks. Ugh. In the scripts, there should be a little icon of a lead balloon falling to Lois's lines. LexFan tries to creep Lois out by knowing who she is and that she has some military skills. "Know your enemy," LexFan says. The enemy this week, whom we know well by now, is pretty lame. "Look, magna cum laude psycho," Lois begins. Dirty! "...you are not going to shoot Jonathan Kent." LexFan says that Lois is right: "You are." Now, is that really necessary? Couldn't LexFan just do it herself? Why complicate things?
On stage, Bo blowhards. From the rear, we see him in the sights of the sniper rifle again. Lois is holding the gun. She says that nobody will believe she would shoot Bo Duke. "Really? A beautiful girl comes to live under his roof?" LexFan builds a scenario with MamaKent working too much, the campaign adviser getting fired, and Lois getting hired in his place. She makes it sound tawdry, but the second police find those bodies at the university, they'll know it's not true. LexFan tells Lois to hurry up and shoot. Lois swings the rifle and misses LexFan. They struggle. LexFan smacks Lois across the face with the rifle. LexFan sets up, cocks the gun, and shoots it herself.
In the audience, Clark quickly figures out what's up. He hears the gunshot and turns in bullet time. He sees the bullet whizzing by and runs toward the stage. The bullet pops a balloon on its way. The bullet sails for Bo. Clark jumps in front of it and catches the bullet in midair with his hand. Everyone freaks out and starts to run.
LexFan cocks the gun to try again. Lois grabs her and wrestles her to the ground. Clark superzips toward the gun. He finds Lois on top of LexFan. "Don't sweat it, Smallville. Better late than never," she says. Uh. All right. Lead balloon. Clark gives LexFan a dirty look. Lois just smiles triumphantly.
Commercials. Check out Sam Jones III in Glory Road. Or don't. I don't really have much invested there either way.
Lair of Lex. Lex finds a red "new illustrated edition" of Sun Tzu's The Art Of War lying on a table. "Regard your soldiers as your children and they will follow you into the deepest valleys," Papa Luthor quotes, suddenly appearing behind Lex. "Look on them as your own beloved sons," Papa continues, "and they will stand by you even unto death," Lex finishes. Lex says that he read the book three times before he finished high school. He adds that he still would have rather had a bike for his fourteenth birthday. As Lex pours a drink, Papa says that, after the incident the day before, Bo has surged ahead in the polls. Lex says that he has nothing to do with that. Papa says that Lex's disciples created quite a mess. He asks how it feels to have people worship him. Lex says that being an idol to psychopaths isn't a power trip. Papa asks whether being a state senator would be. Lex says that he's running because it's something he actually has to work for. Papa says that Lex's work includes digging up information that could destroy the Kents. Lex says that Griff is dead. (Awwww!) His body turned up in a back alley that morning. "Dangerous neighborhood, Lex," Papa says. Lex asks if it would have killed Papa Luthor to be on Lex's side for once. Papa says that Lex is slipping. He says that Professor SoFine slipped from Lex's radar and now Griff... "It might be time to dust this off," Papa says, slapping the book on Lex's chest. Ouchie. Papa Luthor leaves Lex to wallow in his own loserness.
Kent home. Bo, wearing flannel and a sloppy white t-shirt, is on his way to meet a teachers' group. Lois hands him some coffee in his bovine cup, and some talking points. Bo tells Lois not to worry that he'll forget about the firefighters' union. She jokes that she might have to tag along for that one. Shouldn't she be tagging along for all of his appointments? MamaKent walks in holding a piece of paper that says Bo is ahead ten points after the rally. Shouldn't they already know this? Bo smooches MamaKent and says that he has to run. For office. MamaKent tells Lois it's good to see him so optimistic. Lois drops the news that Lex is sending out three mailers and running eight hundred ads soon. Lois thinks the ads will make Bo a distant memory by Election Day. "We're out of money," MamaKent says. Wouldn't Bo know that, too? Geez, what kind of campaign are you people running here? MamaKent has apparently been keeping the finances from Bo for the last few days. She says that there is one other option. She makes Lois promise never to tell Bo.
A Depeche Mode song starts to play, and that's not bad news at all. In the barn at night, Clark goes up the stairs to the loft. His super-hearing didn't pick up that Lana is up there, waiting for him at the telescope. Ha. You get it? She's playing with his telescope because he...he can't...ah ha hah. This is so goddamned funny. Tell me you're with me here, people. Lana says that she wasn't going to leave things the way they were. Clark says she's right: "I was pulling away." Clark bullshits that he's wanted her for so long that he's afraid he'll just screw it up. Lana says she'd never let him go that easily. Damn. Lana suggests that they slow down and try to get back to where they were. That must be in the show bible somewhere: "Slow things down. Try to get back to where things were." For everything. Clark summarizes his behavior: "I freak out. I blame everything on you and you forgive me." Lana suggests that maybe it's not all Clark's fault. She says she did run off to Met U. and has been too caught up in her homework. She tells Clark that she's been studying the meteor showers. She tried to leave it in the past, but the meteors changed her life, as did the second shower. "There's no way they are random," she says. Lana says that she's been looking at satellite imagery and noticed that something in the first meteor shower didn't crash like the other meteors did. "It kind of lands," she says. She asks Clark what he thinks about the ship having landed, and whomever was inside having lived among them all these years. "I bet he's an asshole," Clark thinks, before remembering who was in it. But he's right.
The song cranks up as we return to the back of The Talon, where MamaKent is hanging out. A town car pulls up. "Thank you for coming," MamaKent tells Papa Luthor as she gets into the back seat with him. "I'm always here for you, Martha," he says as they drive off together. Evil!
week: who cares? The preview has Lex getting shot for the hundredth time. Bring on Episode 100!