Fa La La La La, La La La Lex

S05E09

By Omar G

Lex meets with a shady yet smooth man in a bad part of Granville, who promises to dig up (or make up) some info on Bo Duke to help Lex win his state senate election. But on his way back to his car, Lex is shot by the girl who waves her arms for the cars to go in those Fast And The Furious movies. Sadly, the car is stolen. While unconscious, Lex has a Christmas dream in which his dead mother shows him what'll happen if he chooses to be a good Lex as opposed to the bad Lex he will eventually be. Good Lex is married to Lana, which doesn't sound Good at all. They have a son and another baby on the way. Clark and Chloe seem to be a couple, and Chloe has just finished a book on LuthorCorp, the company Lex left behind when he decided to go middle-class (not just in income; remember, he chose Lana, which is pretty middling in my book). Lex is buddy-buddy with Senator Bo Duke, and his life is absolutely hunky-dory. Unfortunately, Lana -- who can withstand back tattoos and is part witch -- can't handle childbirth, and dies. Lex feels responsible because Papa Luthor won't help him airlift Lana to a specialist, which must mean that, without money and power, Lex will still lose the woman he loves. That bites, I suppose. Meanwhile, Papa Luthor (the real one, not the dream one) is trying to keep Lex from becoming a paraplegic, airlifting Lex despite the risk to his life moving him would cause. Lex wakes up, angry that Papa Luthor took that chance. He decides that life with Lana is not for him (can you blame him?) and allows Shady Yet Smooth to dig up that information on Bo Duke after all, thus completing the Star Wars prequel trilogy. Er, I mean, this episode of Smallville. In other news, Clark helps Chloe deliver toys to children in Metropolis and meets the real Santa Claus. Don't worry. It's just holiday schmaltz. Nothing more to see here.

Welcome back, true believers. This is a one-shot episode after a hiatus and right before another hiatus, so for me it's like the photo negative of a one-week recapping vacation. But, hey, I'm not complaining. It just means a short break from Christmas shopping and a reason to put extra liquor in my egg nog.

As the short preview before the episode lets you know, this episode is brought to you by Barbra Streisand's Vaseline-o-Vision. Guaranteed to make everything look fuzzy and idyllic. Also, the WB announcer in the preview is using his naughty-jovial Gilmore Girls voice -- the one that seems to ask, "What are those crazy girls doing this week?" Does that make Lex Rory?

We open on a typically high angle on a grimy-looking city street. We're fixed on a garish neon sign for "Lonzo's Tavern." I bet that's short for "A Lonz Time Ago...," perhaps in a galaxy far, far away. A forlorn and jazzy Christmas ditty plays (Ray Charles's "That Spirit Of Christmas") as Lex's silver ride drives up the wet, sad alley. A title card reads, "Granville, Kansas." Did we really need that? Couldn't this have just as easily taken place in a seedier part of Smallville? "Christmas Eve," a second title card reads. Lex stops his car, gets out, and blips the car alarm as he enters a shady-looking building. A door is wide open. Lex passes it and slides the heavy door shut behind him. He's wearing a natty silver suit, with what looks almost like a tux jacket. Wow, I wore something like that to my junior-year prom.

A Wayne Brady-looking dude in a leather jacket is sitting among rows of pipes, where he apparently has a desk set up. This is like the worst first-person-shooting game ever. Lex asks the guy why they couldn't have met at the mansion. Where it's slightly less...uh...dank and diseased. Wayne Brady, Non-Criminal passes Lex as he says he doesn't make house calls. Wow, he's hardcore thug with that earring, nice haircut, and good looks. If all criminals were this smooth, no one would ever get sent to jail. The guy says that if Lex wants to "utilize" his skills ("z" on "skillz" optional), Lex will have to come to his world. Check. Got any wet-wipes? I think a rat just shat on my shoe. The guy says that Lex will have to do this if he wants to take down Bo Duke. Couldn't you just do that with a really surprising "BOO!"? He's not in the best of health, is all I'm saying. Lex says he's heard Wayne Brady, Bitch-Choker has a "grenade" he can lob. "Not yet," says Wayne Brady, Campaign Adviser. "But I will. I'll either find it or create it." He says that, whether it's true or not, printed word about a man is gospel. Yep, and they pay me a priest's wage. Lex gulps. He says he needs twenty-four hours to think about it. Lex walks off. "Your old man wouldn't hesitate," says Wayne Brady, Shit-Stirrer, over Lex's shoulder. Without turning, Lex stops and says that, before he goes down the path the guy's proposing, he wants to consider all his options. There's the "Yes" option, and then there's the equally alluring "No" option. So many decisions. Wayne Brady, Conscience Agitator, asks if the holiday spirit has got Lex "all sentimental." It doesn't help that Lex's interior monologue music soundtrack is cranked up to 11. Lex turns angrily and tells the guy -- now named Wayne Brady, Actually Named "Griff" -- that if Papa Luthor gets wind of this, Griff won't make it to New Year's. Griff thinks, "Geez, you're rude, just like my manicurist."

As the very loud music continues, Lex walks outside to his car. Two chorus members from Rent stumble out of a building across the street and approach our bald and out-of-place visitor. "Well, well, well!" the short guy in hilariously off "street" clothes says. "Santa Claus has come." And, of course? The guy's ethnic. Just like all the sleazy residents of Granville. Lex says he's not looking for trouble. The little guy suddenly goes Napoleonic and tells Lex he's not playing. He whips out a gun and tells Lex to give him his car keys. The girl with Napoleon Firecracker -- who looks suspiciously like So Ho from deep in Lex's past (and has the same makeup) -- stands back like she's shocked. Lex gives the guy his keys and asks him to take it easy. Napoleon asks for Lex's watch as well. Lex starts to take it off. There's a gunshot. Lex stiffens and looks back. So Ho II is holding the smoking gun. She really didn't like the way Lex wasn't looking at her. She fires again, shooting Lex in the left shoulder. The Christmas music blares even more loudly to match the gunfire. Lex spins very, very slowly.

As Lex spins, everything goes bright orange. We start in with the glowing, ultrabright camera effect. Lex is lying in a bed. It's morning. He's wearing a white t-shirt. He sits up in bed. He turns. Lana is sleeping to him. Noooo! Foul devils, what Asian Ho magic have you performed to create such an unspeakable nightmare? We are all but cursed! The world withers! Lex whispers, "Lana," as he starts to reach toward her. Small footsteps are heard, and suddenly something jumps on the bed. "BREAKFAST!" a small creature -- perhaps a boy of limited intelligence -- screams as he jumps onto Lex. Lex screams. I scream. My cats bolt out of the room. "Huh? Who are you?" Lex asks. Lana, suddenly wide awake and completely alert, says, "Honey, you did promise him." Lex starts to fumble his words as Lana leans forward, kisses him quickly, and laughs. In the real world, the wife would be yelling at Lex by now to get the fuck out of bed and make a bowl of cereal so she can sleep or so help her...and the husband would be secretly buying a one-way plane ticket to Cabo. Lex, kissed, is stunned. Lana reminds Lex that he's supposed to be making pancakes. Go make the goddamned pancakes, or so fucking help me...! But perhaps I exist too much in the real world here. Lana tells Lex that he's supposed to go buy a tree after that. Lex starts to say something, but Lana, smiling, tells him not to complain. Again, I don't think Lana quite gets this marriage thing. Lana stands up perkily, even though she's about a million months pregnant. She must be made of hydraulics. Lex stares at her distended belly. He's suddenly craving an olive on a toothpick. Lana takes the boy, Alex, to get dressed while Lex continues to be flabbergasted. The kid says that "me and Dad" are going to get the best tree ever. "'Dad and I,'" Lana corrects him. Yeah, take it from a former cheerleader and coffee slinger. Lex, in pajama bottoms, breathlessly climbs out of bed. He looks around the room. He pulls up his shirt and finds a vertical scar and a bullet hole scar on his torso. "What happened? Where am I?" he asks.

Lex goes to the bathroom, locks the door, and stares in the mirror. He finds some pills in the medicine cabinet. When he closes the cabinet door, a woman with long brown hair is standing behind him. Lex cringes. "Hello, Lex," she says. "Mom?" he asks. Geez, don't you ghosts knock? He starts to say she's dead. "Am I dead?" he asks her. Lillian tells him he's not. Lex thinks he's dreaming. He puts some water on his face. His mom's still there. Lillian says that this is Lex's life; it's real, or as real as he wants it to be: "All this can be yours if you make the right choices." No, Lex! Go for the box! What's in the box? It can't be worse than living with Lana, even if it's empty! Lillian says that all this -- a slow boy waking you up at the asscrack of dawn and generic drugs in the medicine cabinet -- can be Lex's if he makes the right choices. I think it's time you start making some very wrong choices, Lex. Lex looks at her in the mirror. "All of this? What do you mean?" he asks. He starts to ask what she's talking about, but she's gone.

Quick cut to Granville, where Lex lies in the street, presumably bleeding. Lightning flashes. We cut in closer. Yep, he's been shot. There's some thunder, too.

Opening credits. They were going to add the 2006 Ford Fusion, but the car got a first-look deal with NBC and now has a sitcom in development.

I know Judd Apatow is a credited writer, but I really wish Fun With Dick And Jane looked...well, more fun.

Cookies! Boy, some cookies sound really good right now. They're being pulled, on a cookie sheet, from the Kent kitchen oven by MamaKent, sporting her obligatory awful holiday-themed oven mitt. Someone's hand reaches to grab a cookie right off the hot tray, but we know it's not Clark when dumb-ass Bo Duke pulls his scalded hand away in pain. A moment on the lips, Bo. MamaKent tells Bo that it serves him right (see, this is real marriage right here, not Candyland marriage), and that enough politicians have their hands in the cookie jar. All right, only the first half of that remark was good. Bo, with extra floofy hair this week, says he knows MamaKent isn't sold on his running for the Senate, but damn, woman, it's the holl-o-days! "See?" Bo asks, raising his famous bovine cup (seriously, Al and Miles -- I want that fucking cup when the series run ends), which is wrapped in a festive little bow. Oh, Bo Duke. If only you could take care of your family like you take care of that cup. They've all been shot, or possessed by alien diseases, and even your home has been destroyed. But the cup? It doesn't have a chip on it. Bo asks if they could not talk about his Senate run tonight. Then he makes snuggle noises and kisses MamaKent, and she is powerless to resist the hormone he secretes into the air when his ass is composing a fine future platitude. Bo reaches for a gingerbread man while he's kissing her. "Hey, hey, hey!" she cries as he steals from the kitty, as it were. MamaKent calls him a cheater. I don't see any holiday pies around here, so it's not that he's a pumpkin eater.

Medical emergency! Lex, on a gurney, is being wheeled into Smallville Medical Center's halls. I guess there's no hospital in Granville. This hospital hasn't even invested in decent lighting yet. All the surgeons say, "I know I could perform this bypass...if I could just see the valves!" There's talk of gunshot wounds, and when they say "abdomen" they lose me with their high-falutin' medical-speak. Our old pal, the stern yet slightly scary Dr. Scanlan, who's frequently shown at this medical center (I think he works here), appears all up in Lex's unconscious grill. He asks if Lex can hear him. "Squeeze my hand if you can hear me," he says loudly. Squeeze something else if you happen to swing that way. Lex is shirtless, but I don't see any blood. The doctor holds Lex's right eye open and shines a light in there. Bright light! Very loud transitional music plays.

We're back with the Vaseline-o-Vision as we see a very beautiful but modest home with lots of Christmas lights and decorations in the front. If you guys knew about the Christmas light wars I'm having in my neighborhood...there are two houses about three properties apart that are engaging in an arms race of yard decorations, adding more components every weekend. There's Peanuts-character cutouts, animated light displays, crazy wire-light trees. It's insane. I think they're going to kill each other. Little Alex (but not P. Keaton) runs out from the porch and Lana -- pregnant but very mobile -- tells the brat to wait for his dad. "Come on!" Alex screams shrilly. Yep, that's it. My manly reproductives have just shut down, perhaps permanently. Bouncy, playful holiday music gooses the scene as Lex, wide-eyed, carries a huge car seat. Lana tells Lex to try to make it back by 6 so that they can try to make it to the Kents' party. "'Try'?" Lana asks Lex to remember they're on a budget this year. Lex, smiling in genuine confusion, asks, "...What? We, we have a budget?" It's awfully cute. Lana tells Lex it's been seven years since Papa Luthor cut off his platinum card: "I think it's time to embrace the middle-class lifestyle." Yes, except that Lex already has his own business and has been off the Luthor family teat for some time. He wouldn't be destitute now if Papa Luthor tried to cut him off. But let's just assume Lex walked away from it all in this dream scenario, and that Papa Luthor found a way to screw him out of his fortune. We'll play along, Smallville.

"Daddy, Daddy, let's go, let's go!" little Alex screams, as he grabs Lex's leg and pulls. My sperm! They are committing suicide, hanging themselves by their own tails! Lex, still in a daze, mumbles, "'Seven years'?" as he tries to jam the gigantasaurus car seat into the ugly, ugly station wagon. Lex finally shoves the thing into the vehicle with a rough push. Lana interrupts him and offers to attach the thing, even though she'll barely be able to fit in the car. Lana giggles as Lex backs up and hits his head on the inside of the station wagon. Lana is definitely on some happy pills. That postpartum depression is going to be a bitch. Lana hopes Lex will figure out the car seat before their little girl arrives. Alex jumps into the car with a roaring "YEAAAHH!" Yep. Sperm all dead. The memorial service will be held at Our Lady of the Barren Recapper church. Instead of holy water, we have lots and lots of wine. The music turns serious as Lana tells Lex she's sorry about the whole budget thing she said. Yeah, she doesn't know what she was thinking, making a joking remark to her husband about their finances. Lana says she knows Lex overspends because he wants the best for them: "That's part of why I love you so much." (Everyone looks really fantastic, I've gotta say. I complain a lot, but this season has at least looked very good, visually speaking.) Lana kisses Lex. He closes his eyes and enjoys it a little. "Have fun," Lana tells Alex, and spirits away. The kid waves his arm like he's having a spasm. Lex smiles at his son. The kid waves again, happily. Lex slowly gets into the ugly station wagon. He adjusts the seat and looks back. The kid chuckles. Lex shivers.

A huge Christmas tree lot seems to be sitting in the middle of Smallville's main street. Lex and Alex are admiring a very tall fir. "Wow!" the kid exclaims. Yeah, a tree. Knock yourself out with the wonder. Lex explains that Lana...er, Alex's mom told him to keep to a budget. Lex stops himself as he sees Clark, and instantly abandons his son to go say hello. How Brokeback Mountain is this? Clark, wearing a rather dapper suit and red scarf, is happy to see his old...buddy? Is that what we'd call it? Chloe is with Clark. Lex tells them he's happy to see the two of them. Alex is like, "Uh...Dad? Should I go with this stranger now? He's got candy...YEAAAAHH!" "Are you a father again?" Chloe asks. Lex has to think about it, but says no, not yet. What's with the QVC hair extensions, Chloe? Alex runs up, having been molested for the last thirty seconds by the grizzled Tree Man (cousin of The Woodsman). "Uncle Clark, Uncle Clark, make me fly!" he cries, "and get me away from the nightmare I just escaped!" Clark says he missed the little guy, and picks him up, twirling him around. Clark tells Lex he's sorry he hasn't been around; things have been crazy at the Planet. This is the first indication we've gotten from the show that Clark will end up there, huh? Chloe tells Lex that Clark has been promoted. Clark says that now he's a full-fledged reporter, while the closed captioning brings him down to Earth by having him say he's "one step closer" to becoming a full-fledged reporter. Chloe says she has big news, too: "My book's being published in January." It's the end of December, so that must mean it's one of those fly-by-night publishers that can turn it around in three weeks. Or forgot to tell Chloe a year before that they would publish it. Chloe says they loved the idea of a LuthorCorp exposé, complete with a tell-all anonymous source. Yeah, a publisher would love a book made up of unconfirmed allegations against a huge company that could sue the ink off them. Rock it, Simon and Shyster. Chloe hugs Lex and thanks him for all his help. "I couldn't have done it without you, Lex," she tells him, very softly and close to his ear. Clark calls Chloe "Miss 'Did I Mention That My Book is About to be Published?,'" and says they're going to get her tree and get out of there. Chloe beams. So it's Chloe's tree, not their tree? "See you tonight," Clark says. As they walk off, Clark puts an arm around Chloe's waist. "DAAAAD!" Alex screams. He points to a giant Christmas tree. "This one's awesome!" he cries. It actually is.

Bright light transports us to Lex in a Smallville Medical Center bed. A nurse is injecting something into Lex's IV drip. The Magnificent Bastard Papa Luthor appears in the doorway. "What happened?" he asks. Well, Nurse Bettina called in sick, then I had to find a sitter so I could cover a double, then this guy comes in with a gunshot wound and everything was so calm until...oh, you mean with the patient? Papa asks what's wrong with his son and where the doctor is. "Just a minute," the nurse says. You know, they do have a receptionist, but I guess everyone on this show practically has season passes to every room in the place. Dr. Scanlan comes in and introduces himself. Lex already knows him, but I guess Papa Luthor doesn't. Scanlan says that Lex has been shot. Nobody told Papa that over the phone? "...shot?" Papa asks. Scanlan says that Lex's life is no longer in danger, but that he'll be paralyzed from the waist down for the rest of his life. Which will be a lot longer now because his life is no longer in danger. Scanlan says that a blood clot is slowly compressing Lex's spinal cord. "If we could relieve the pressure --" Scanlan begins. "'IF'?" Papa Luthor demands. "No. No...we are going to do it, Doctor. NOW!" Papa whips out the cell phone and starts dialing as Scanlan tries to explain that moving Lex could kill him. "My son is going to walk, Doctor," Papa says. On the phone, Papa asks for Dr. Litvack.

Daily Planet offices. Chloe is telling Clark that she's in charge of Toys for Tots, and that she doubled the number of items collected from the year before. This was her emergency? Clark asks what the problem is. Chloe says that the Teamsters are on strike on Christmas Eve, so there's nobody to deliver the toys. Teamsters were going to deliver them? "Hey, kid, here's your fucking teddy bear. What, no motherfucking tip? Fuck you very much, too, kid. You piece of garbage. Tell your mudder I said hello." Clark, seemingly annoyed, asks why Chloe called him instead of FedEx. Chloe gushes that Clark runs faster than a speeding bullet -- says it right in front of a sweeping janitor wearing a Santa hat, by the way. Chloe appeals to Clark's heartstrings, bringing up disappointed children. "You didn't have to go there," Clark tells her. Chloe says it's a good cause and that he'd be helping her career. Clark says he promised Lana something, but Chloe interrupts and says she's sure Lana will understand: "Or at least she'll understand whatever it is you make up to tell her." She shows a lot of teeth as she smiles widely: "Please?" Clark agrees. "YAAAY!" Chloe exclaims. "You're my hero!" Would everyone please stop with the excited screaming? I know it's Christmas and all, but goddamn, y'all. Mama's trying to enjoy her drink here. Chloe opens a door and shows Clark a huge room full of tons of presents. Clark thinks, "Oh shit." Clark says it's more like Toys 'R Us than Toys for Tots. Chloe says that there are a few thousand. She Mapquested all the addresses, and Clark needs to get started, like, now. That's a lot of Mapquest. "Here comes Santa Claus," she says as she sticks a Santa Hat on the Big Dumb Alien. Clark stares at the white ball. Chloe snaps a digital photo as Clark does the Blue Magnum male-model expression.

Bird's-eye view of Metropolis. A red streak zips through the streets at night. Clark deposits a gift in a holiday-decorated house where they left candles burning at night. Fire hazard! Clark zips out again. More streets. More zipping. Clark is in another house (breaking and entering, much?) and spies some milk and cookies. He superzips out and the cookies and half the milk are gone. Oh, you, Clark. Streets. Zipping. A little girl holding a stuffed animal says, "You're not Santa Claus!" You're not even Jack Skellington! Hey, at least he's not a Teamster. "Yes, I am," says Clark, trying to reach for his Santa hat. "I'm the new improved model." With no Mrs. Claus. And a rainbow bumper sticker. "Liar. You can't be Santa. He is!" the girl says, pointing out the window. Indeed, there's a liquor-swigging Santa about to fall off a nearby roof. Clark looks toward Santa as the camera pulls in tight.

Commercials. I think if you actually tried to wear Old Navy clothes to a red-carpet event, the fleece would spontaneously combust.

A rooftop. Santa is teetering near the edge as Clark superzips up there to, I don't know, push him off and take his place for real? Clark asks if Santa isn't a little too close to the edge. "Makes it easier to jump," says the drunken old Santa. Yes. That is true. Santa gives Clark a dirty look. Self-consciously, Clark takes off his hat. Clark asks if he can sit. "It's a free...whatever," says Bad Santa. He asks if Clark wants a drink. Clark doesn't. Clark invites Santa to have a seat. Santa says bitterly that he's got no place to be. As warm music plays, Clark asks Santa what he's doing up here: "Why are you gonna jump?" Santa goes on a lame spiel about how the world is all screwed up and everything is "take, take, take, bitch, bitch, bitch." He has definitely been watching too much MTV Cribs. "What happened to Christmas? Peace on Earth? Goodwill toward men?" Dude, Hallmark has the copyright on all of those. Santa gets up and stands near the edge again. "The spirit of Christmas is dead!" he shouts. Boo. Go to bed, old man! Santa says it'll take a lot more than him to revive it. We need a Victoria's Secret fashion show! Clark stays alert in case the fat man should leap.

Medical Center. Lex is still unconscious. The doctor wants to increase Lex's fluids (hey, who doesn't?) and give him 8 mg of Decadron, a steroid. Papa, appearing suddenly, says that they only need to give Lex whatever he requires for them to move him. He's being airlifted to the Davis Center in Metropolis. Papa has a team waiting behind him to do so. "I can't condone this!" Scanlan says. Papa tells him he doesn't have to. Papa leans in toward Lex's face. "You are going to walk, son," he says. Just not right now.

Bright flash to Lex's dream future. Sprightly music plays as Lex is driving and wondering who decided on a station wagon with "wood" paneling on the sides. Lex and the kid pull up to the homestead, which is decorated in colorful lights. Lana walks down the porch steps. Alex drags her over to see the tree, tied up on the station wagon. Lana and Lex give each other cute looks. "I know what you're thinking," Lex says. Lana suggests playfully that Lex is spoiling his son. Lex, in a very amusing spiel, that the tree is actually for him. He says that, after his mother died, Christmas wasn't celebrated in his house. It was a bleak and lonely time. When he saw this tree, he knew it was like the ones he dreamed about all the years he couldn't have one, and represented all the Christmases he missed. Also, there's a dead possum in the tree and he's going to make a kicky hat out of it. Everyone smiles. Lana tells her "honey" that it's the same thing Lex tells her every year. They hug. Lex looks around at his great life and smiles. It's all right that this not his beautiful wife, or his beautiful house or his beautiful life.

Lex and Alex drag the tree inside as Lana hunts for a tree skirt. Lex sees what looks like a popcorn tin and asks what it is. Lana says it's from Papa Luthor. Lex corrects her, saying that it's a corporate gift. Lana says it's Papa Luthor's way of reminding Lex of how disappointed he is: "Getting shot was the best thing that ever happened to you." She tells him that coming close to dying made Lex realize what was important, and made him the man he is today. "The man I married," she adds, before kissing him. Yeah, and getting shot kinda hurt like a bitch. Thanks, hon.

Flash back to the real Lex being transported on the gurney.

Then there's a quick cut to the rooftop where Clark is wasting an awful lot of time without Lana or anyone else noticing, apparently. Santa's surprised that Clark is giving up his Christmas with Lana to do the Toys for Tots thing. Somehow, in the conversation, it came up that Clark used to spy on Lana with his telescope. Oops, Clark. "Well, I wasn't spying on her," Clark says. He was spying at her. Clark says that Chloe gave up her Christmas plans, too. At least she's getting paid for it. Santa is very impressed with Clark and Chloe: "I guess I was wrong." Not by too much, sir. He says that the spirit of Christmas isn't dead. It's just inhabited by an alien with a low IQ. Clark asks if Santa's all right. "I am now," he says. Then he stumbles the fuck off the roof. As he falls, everything goes in slow motion. Clark runs down the side of the building in bullet time and gets there in time to catch Santa. Clark even catches the liquor bottle and hands it to him. Santa, shaken, walks off, bellowing, "Ho, ho, holy cow!" Clark wishes him a merry Christmas.

Commercials. I don't care what you think about Target, but dancing Wheat Thins is fucking brilliant.

In case you're just joining us: asians shoot people in Granville and Lex's kid has got some lungs on him.

Metropolis. "Deck The Halls" is playing. In a very, very dark operating room where even the strung-up Christmas lights look depressing, a surgeon tells his crew that they'll collapse a left lung before performing a thoracotomy. And that's just for fun! The surgeon says, "Merry Christmas, everybody. Now kill the carols. I'm about to perform a miracle." Kick ass! Too bad we won't see any of it.

Bright light. Lex's dream future. Clark answers the door of the Kent home. He's wearing a smart-looking suit. Clark announces that the party can officially begin, because the Luthors have arrived. That's usually how it goes on this show. Lex, in a brown blazer, and Lana, wearing red, are standing there. Clark and Lana give each other a chaste greeting and hug. Lex and Clark give each other a much more affectionate bear hug. Later...later!

There are very shiny decorations up in the Kent home, and everyone is in formalwear. "Lex! Just the man I've been waiting for," says Bo Duke, who appears to have gone through some sort of Martinizing process, hair and glasses included. His hair is slicked back and he's wearing a dark suit. The cows feel lost and betrayed. Bo kisses Lana on the cheek and notes that she's about due. She was about due four months ago. Chloe and MamaKent both come greet the Luthors at the same time, causing a confusing cascade of closed captioning overlap. Chloe takes Lana away to get some punch. Bo Duke wipes his drunk wife's lipstick off Lex's face and drags him away to tell him something. Bo Duke, in his Buddy Holly glasses, tells Lex he shouldn't be showing him this, but that being Senator has its advantages on issues of advance notice. He shows Lex a wrapped gift box with a plaque inside. It's the "Kansas Humanitarian Award," and it's being awarded to Lex Luthor. Lex didn't do anything; it's just an award to recognize the fact that he didn't take over the world and kill everyone. In the comics universe, that's a humanitarian. Bo says heavily that he never thought he'd say this, but that he couldn't be prouder of Lex if he were his own son. His own neat, single, and very urban son. Good God, Bo needs a real son. Lex is stunned. "Mr. Kent...Jonathan," he stumbles. He doesn't know what to say. Bo makes the announcement. He asks everyone to gather around and get a drink. "Come on! Grab a glass!" he bellows. Why, Mr. Senator! You do filibuster so! Bo says that this year's humanitarian award is going to be given to "our very own Lex Luthor." Lana smiles, like, "Yeah, fucking right. I can't even get the guy to make pancakes in the morning. Some humanitarian." "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Lex Luthor!" Bo bellows. Don't spend him all in one place. "The finest man I know!" Bo concludes. Clark is like, "Heeey!" "So fine he's even finer than Professor SoFine. A fine, fine man who I'm sure we'd all like to take right up to the barn loft right now. That's a mighty fine man!" But perhaps Bo digresses. Everyone raises a glass and cheers. Lex is humbled.

Lex is standing out on the porch with all the holiday lights. "I can't remember ever being this happy," says Lex. "This has been the best day of my life." His mother is standing behind him. "Thank you," he tells her. She tells him that every day could be like this. It's the life he can have. "This is what I want," he says. He asks what he has to do. She tells him that all he has to do is follow his heart, not his ambition. He asks what decision she's talking about. Clark, coming outside and with his suit coat off, asks whom Lex is talking to. Lex's dead mom is gone. Lex says he wasn't talking to anyone. Possibly to himself. Or a very smart squirrel. "I don't even know anymore," he concludes. Lex says he's feeling contemplative. Clark raises his champagne glass and says that the holidays will do that to you. Clark drinks. Lex says that his life hasn't turned out the way he planned, but that he's never been happier. Clark says that Lex has every reason to be happy: a beautiful wife, great son, a baby on the way. Secret former farmboy lover with his own apartment in Metropolis. Lex wonders about Lana: "How the hell did that happen?" Yeah. Tell us. Please. Clark chuckles. Clark says that Lex became the kind of man she could love. "You mean the kind of man you've always been?" Lex asks. Clark gives him a funny look. He says that Lex offered Lana something Clark didn't. "What held you back?" Lex asks. "I mean I know you love...loved her." Clark shrugs and says he guesses he just wasn't ready. "Maybe I never will be," he adds. Yep, the single "bachelor" life for him. Nightclubs and Ecstasy. Yow. Clark and Lex exchange a secret longing, an understanding, on this porch of incredibly beautiful lights. It is a gay moment for all time, a fantasia within a fantasia held together by memories and the Gayest Look of the Episode. Clark says he's glad Lex and Lana got together. He puts a hand on Lex's shoulder and breathes deeply before adding, "and you and I have remained such good friends." Oh, go on, reporter man. Lex pats Clark's kidney. He thanks Clark. MamaKent suddenly appears on the porch. Uh, nothing! We were just...patting each other! On the torso! Nothing's going on! MamaKent tells Lex that something's wrong with Lana.

Bright light flash. We're back in surgery. The doctor asks for suction. On the patient, Larry, geez! He asks for more suction and more exposure. Whatever you say, Dr. Dirk Diggler. The surgeon says intensely that they're losing Lex. Indeed, Lex's eyes are open and he looks pretty gone. He flatlines.

Lex bends down and slams Papa Luthor's laptop shut. Thanks a lot, Lex. He was just about to finish my last recap. "You can save her!" Lex sputters, near tears. "No, Lex," Papa says smoothly. He leans back and says that every decision Lex has made has brought him to this point. Papa's been cold in the past, but I think he'd much rather have Lex (and Lana) indebted to him than just let Lana die. There's a better angle here, and it's lazy writing to say Papa Luthor wouldn't squeeze them both and take the long view on making Lex pay for deserting him. And turn their kids against them, for that matter. Lex says it's because Lex forfeited the state Senate race to Bo Duke. I know this is in Lex's head, but it also goes against Papa Luthor's wanting Lex to lose the election. "I told you this would happen," says Papa Luthor, as a shattered Lex walks out of the room. "I warned you." Papa says that when Lex made that decision, he left behind the money and power that would have allowed him to save his wife. Except he wouldn't have that wife. So, moot point. Papa scoffs in disgust: "Pathetic." He goes back to his online porn. Papa digs one last dagger in; he says that Lex wanted to be free of the Luthor family to live happily ever after: "Go on, then, Lex. You better get back to it." Lex tears up.

Dream hospital. Lex goes to Lana at her hospital bed. He begs her not to give up and not to leave him. "Lex," she manages, "you have to be strong." She tells him he has to be strong for Alexander and Lily. Lex cries: "Lana. I love you." He says he doesn't know if he says that all the time, but "I mean it. I love you. I have always loved you." Ick. Since she was, like, fifteen? Lana says she's always loved him, too. "You're a good man," she says. "Don't ever change." She wishes she had a yearbook so that she could sign that to him. Lana dies. Lex breaks down. The angels cry. Al and Miles cry. All the Ewoks and Obi-Wan cry. Lillian puts her hand on Lex's shoulder as Lana flatlines. "What did you do to her?" Lex asks. He wants to know why Lillian didn't stop it. Lex angrily asks how this is supposed to be a better life for him: "A life in which my wife dies? A life full of pain?" Hey, man, take it easy. You've still got good friends and two kids! Lillian says it's a life full of love. "'Love,'" Lex spits. "Everyone I've ever loved has died!" Julian, Lillian, now Lana. Hey, what about your kids? Clark? The Kents? Dark Lost music plays. Lex is upset that he couldn't do anything to stop Lana's death.

Metropolis hospital. A bright flash brings us back as Lex suddenly bolts up in bed, regaining consciousness. Papa Luthor is there to catch him and tell him where he is. "You've been shot," Lex is told, "but you're going to be all right." Wanna bet? A loud, deep crash sounds as Lex breathes heavily and we go to commercials.

What upsets me about Charlize Theron (apart from Aeon Flux) is that they put her on Arrested Development where she helped ruin at least two potentially good episodes, and then on her last appearance, she finally did something funny, but the show is near cancellation and her character is gone so it's like it doesn't even count. This is not a fair world.

Daily Planet. Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairies plays. Chloe sits at her desk typing. "Merry Christmas, Chloe!" we hear. "Santa?" Chloe asks. Indeed, the drunk guy is at the door. "Suit gave me away, huh?" he asks. Chloe, a bit scared, asks what he wants. Santa says that he met Clark and heard about their plight. Chloe asks if he shouldn't be on a corner ringing a bell. No, that's the prostitutes. He asks if he can lend a hand -- take some of the pressure off. He says the worst-case scenario is that he'll make off with a few free squirt guns. Chloe says that they could use some help. Chloe goes to get a list of addresses. We hear fairy dust sprinkled. Chloe turns and Santa is gone, along with all the gifts. Larceny! Chloe is stunned as the music climaxes.

Lex's hospital room. Papa Luthor enters, apparently at Lex's request. Papa says that Lex should wait until he's stronger. Lex agrees that he should be resting. Lex is peeved that he just underwent a life-threatening operation he didn't authorize. Papa Luthor chuckles richly. Lex heard about his odds of survival: "Pretty reckless roll of the dice, don't you think?" Papa says it may have been callous, but that the decision was deliberate. "But it wasn't your decision to make, was it?" Lex asks. Papa's Lex's of kin, and Lex was unconscious. I'd say it pretty much was Papa's decision. Lex is mad that Papa Luthor didn't want to save him, but that he couldn't stand to have "a cripple for a son." Ouch. Papa Luthor has to think about that one: "You may hate me for taking a risk, but I had to make a choice. And you're alive. And you can walk. I had to give you that chance." Lex asks what would have happened if he hadn't made it: "How would you have justified your decision then?" Papa's stumped on that one. He tries to back away, but Lex grabs him by the arm. "How dare you play God with my life?" Lex asks. Don't the doctors do that, too?

Kent Farm, according to the bright red mailbox and garland. Inside, Shelby, wearing cute toy antlers, is snatching snacks from a table. Bo, back to his usual plaid, stops him. Festive music plays as MamaKent passes treats to other plaid-clad men. Lana passes out drinks as Clark and Chloe talk about what happened in Metropolis. I guess Chloe lied about how long it took her to get back there. Or did Clark carry her back to Smallville? She's explaining to Clark about Santa and the toys. "Yeah, right," Clark says. He can't believe it's the same guy. Chloe says she may have been tired enough to imagine Santa, but that there's no way she could have imagined away all the toys. "Maybe he really is..." Chloe asks. "Yeah, right," Clark repeats. Sure, like you have room to disbelieve. MamaKent announces that it's snowing. "We are gonna have a white Christmas!" she exclaims. Yep, I don't see any minorities here. And Lana's real-life ethnicity doesn't count on this show, even when she travels to freakin' China. Outside, it's coming down fast. Lana, in a slinky little top, doesn't seem to be too cold. "Merry Christmas, Lana," Clark says. "Merry first Christmas together, Clark," she says. "First of many." Last, maybe? They hug.

Lex, at the hospital. He's standing by the window as it snows outside. Should he really be standing? "I thought you didn't make house calls," he says. Wayne Brady, House Caller, is standing at the door. He says he made an exception. Lex tells him not to worry. Luthors are made of tough and definitely expensive material. Lex is asked if his morphine drip is set too high. Lex says it's not every day you have a near-death experience. Well, on this show, you do. Lex says he's realized that, much like Ebenezer Scrooge, what he wants more than anything is to live happily ever after. Lex turns and faces Griff: "You know what the secret to living happily ever after is? Power. Money and power." Uh-oh. I though it was cheese. My priorities must be totally fucked up. "See, once you have those two things, you can secure everything else. And keep it that way." Wayne Brady, Moral Ignorer, asks what he's doing there. Lex turns back to the window. "I want you to pull the pin on that grenade," he says. "Find it, fake it. Do whatever it takes to knock Jonathan Kent out of the race." A bell tolls. Lex turns again to face Griff one more time. "I want to be Senator. I want it all," he says with much emphasis. Wayne Brady, Can-Do Man, tells Lex to consider it done. He wishes Lex a Merry Christmas and exits. Lex stays facing the window. Reverse angle from outside. The camera pulls back on a very, very well-done shot. Haunting music plays as we pull back to reveal the reflection of Lillian to Lex. She looks hurt and disappointed. Snow falls heavily as bells toll for Lex.