Win A Car While MamaKent Dies

S05E08

By Omar G

The show is giving away a car, as well as other prizes, and they're not going to let you forget it: they mention that Lois has a brand-new car so many times that you forget that it's a show and start thinking maybe you're watching an infomercial, only with worse acting from Erica Durance. Nevertheless, there's a real episode here, and a good one. (The car stuff gets a separate rating: D. Unless I win the car -- in which case, B+.) MamaKent is infected by some sort of bright light that causes her skin to start turning moldy. Clark, desperate to help her, trusts Professor SoFine, who claims that it's a Kryptonian disease inflicted by Jarnnelle -- who, by the way, was a dictator responsible for the deaths of billions on Krypton. SoFine and Clark go to the Fortress of Solitude to take out Jarnnelle and his stupid House of Ice Dildos, bu then SoFine double-crosses Clark, pinning him down with some Kryptonite and revealing that he's not a Kryptonian at all, but some sort of robot there to free Zod, the real evil deathbringer. Luckily, Chloe -- who gets a tip from Papa Luthor that SoFine is not what he seems -- follows SoFine through the Caves of Contrivance portal and saves Clark. Clark throws SoFine the requisite thirty feet across the ice chamber, and SoFine lands nastily on some sharp ice dildos. What a sexy death! Only SoFine disappears (as does, very far away, his spaceship), so we're not sure if he's dead or regenerated somewhere else. After giving everyone a good scare and sharing some emotional scenes with Clark, professing her deep love for her son, MamaKent is cured by SoFine's sudden disappearance. Lex, meanwhile, is super-pissed that his ship is missing, and blames Papa Luthor. Lois spends time with Chloe in the newsroom and thinks maybe this reporting stuff's not so bad after all. Especially if, say, Chloe were to die and Lois had to take her place somehow. Hey, I don't like it either, but I must speak of painful truths.

What if you could watch a TV show, just like always, but at the end of that TV show, you could win a car? That would be the shit, wouldn't it? And what if you could see that car before you win it because it shows up all over the episode as people rave about it? And what if the car that everybody was impressed by was a Ford Fusion? Then you would truly know that this show was a work of science fiction.

We begin this week's Price Is Right...er, I mean Smallville with a small promo touting tonight's "fresh" episode. You know what the "fresh" is all about? It's new-car smell. Twinkling music plays as we look up at the stars. I think I see Homonius, the gay kiss constellation. The camera pans down to show a vehicle approaching the Kent driveway at night. Hey, is that the new 2006 Ford Fusion? I hear the car is made by Ford and it's being given away on TV! And the front looks like it was stolen from the Infiniti G35. MamaKent is in the car, getting a ride home from Lois Lane, after work at The Talon. MamaKent thanks Lois and says that her own car will be out of the garage the day. MamaKent is carrying a bag of groceries in her lap, which doesn't speak well of the Ford Fusion's trunk space. Lois mumbles a bunch of lines about how she likes spending quality time with MamaKent, because she apparently doesn't get enough of that at work. My guess is that nobody else will talk to Lois at work. The way she fast-talks, I don't really know how people follow Lois's dialogue without Closed Captioning. Slow down, girl, you're not on Gilmore Girls. MamaKent gives Lois a maternal look and says she's really proud of her. She has a job and a brand-new car. Hey, guess what that new car is. It's a Ford Fusion! (Applause!) MamaKent says that Lois has really grown up. Really? Because there are quite a few sixteen-year-olds who have cars and steady jobs slinging coffee. I'd say that, if anything, Lois is on track to become an adult in about three years. As much as I love MamaKent, I can't tell you how unspeakably lame that last line was. Why do people act like Lois isn't a totally obnoxious loser? Lois says that the car is her safety net: when she loses her job and apartment, she can use the vehicle to sleep in. That's the spirit, Jewel! MamaKent realizes the error of her last line and just smiles at Lois, trying as fast as she can to get out of the Ford Fusion. It's so funny that they're talking about Lois's future, because, in fact, the Ford Fusion is "Built for the Road Ahead."

MamaKent thanks Lois again as Lois backs out the driveway and drives away in her Ford Fusion. MamaKent looks admiringly at the Ford Fusion before turning away, averting her eyes reluctantly from the magnificent engineering that is...the 2006 Ford Fusion. Come back, Ford Fusion! We already like you better than Lois! As MamaKent walks toward the house, a tiny decorative windmill starts to spin, making the little black farm worker attached to it chop chop chop with his axe. Chop, little black man, chop! MamaKent frowns at it, thinking, "When did we buy that?" Shelby the dog starts to bark. It gets windier. Chop chop! In the sky behind MamaKent, three lights begin to swirl, forming what looks like a spaceship. They combine into a single bright light that turns orange and grows as it heads toward her. MamaKent turns and is blasted by a giant fireball. I'm just glad that the 2006 Ford Fusion was able to get away before it was damaged.

Clark Kent is up in the barn loft reading Keeping a TV Show Together for Dummies (BDA Edition) when the whole room turns bright orange. Clark just sits there, doltish, not using his powers of hearing, movement, or x-ray vision to figure out what the hell is happening. No, sitting is good, Clark. You just keep on with that. The room shakes, and then everything goes back to normal. Clark finally superzips out of the room.

Outside, Clark sees MamaKent lying on the ground and her groceries lying everywhere. Goddammit, Ma, the Eggos are thawing out! Clark goes to her and lifts up her head and torso. Crrraaaaaacckkkk! He asks her to wake up. Did you pick up Crunch 'n Munch, ma? Well did you?! MamaKent wakes up and says, weakly, "I must have fainted." The 2006 Ford Fusion. It's so...overwhelming. It gave her the vapors. MamaKent touches her head and says she hasn't eaten anything all day. It's not like she works in a coffee shop where there are snacks all around her to provide precious sustenance. Clark asks what that sound and light was all about. Don't you have superpowers, dumb-ass? Couldn't you have just looked around when it was happening? MamaKent asks what Clark is talking about. Mysterious music plays as Clark looks up at the sky. The constellation Homonius is now getting it on with tongue.

Opening credits. What, no 2006 Ford Fusion in the cast list? You disappoint me, Smallville.

Commercials. In case you hadn't heard, there's a car that's all new called the Ford Fusion. It will help you put your life in Drive. (If you really want to get a sense of ridiculously convoluted Gen-X/Y marketing gone mad, check out the official website. It will choke your internets.)

The Daily Planet. Chloe and Clark are walking through part of the newsroom. They pass a very nice set of clocks in a display case. Chloe is telling Clark that, according to weather reports, there was nothing unusual over Smallville the night. Couldn't he have checked that himself online? Clark says that doesn't rule out heat lightning. Heat lightning? What the fuck is "heat lightning"? Oh, it's this. Actually, it couldn't be heat lightning because they did hear a rumble. So, phooey to your bullshit theory, Clark. Clark invalidates himself by saying he heard thunder, then saw a bright light. He tells Chloe about finding MamaKent outside. He thought she might have been struck by lightning. Chloe asks if she's seen a doctor. Clark says they took her in the morning, but nobody could find anything wrong with her. As they continue walking through the maze of the newsroom, Chloe says it may have been fireworks or someone's car backfiring two counties away, given Clark's special abilities. She says there's nothing to worry about. Photocopying something, she says she thinks there's something Clark isn't telling her. Clark says that Jarnelle might have something to do with this. He tells her about the deal Clark made when he died and came back. "He's come back to collect," Clark says ominously as the open photocopier spills light on them both.

The Talon. Lex is being photographed by professionals. There's a light meter and a reflecting light umbrella, even. He's in the background sitting on a stool as a frustrated Lois Lane is messing with the cappuccino machine. Maybe you should show them your breasts, Lois. She grouses to Lex that, after eight hundred pictures, he still doesn't get any prettier. How about after thirty years, Lois? Lex politely tells his crew that it's time to wrap up, thinking, "Oh, bitch, no you di'in't!" Lex asks Lois for a latte. Lois sighs. She asks if Lex doesn't think it's a little sleazy to hold a campaign photo shoot where MamaKent works. She says he might as well go to the Kents' farm and milk their cows. Why travel for the milk when you can get the obnoxious mooing cow to serve you here? Lex, wearing a smart suit, reminds Lois that he owns The Talon. Want a paycheck, Lois? "What don't you own?" Lois asks snidely. "I guess now you want to own the government." Yeah, Lex isn't as bad-ass adult as you with a job and new car. Lex asks why Lois is so angry and what he ever did to her. Besides bailing her sister out of trouble, that is. Lois says that Lex just reminds her of pseudo-politicians she grew up around who bought their way into office. She asks if Lex thinks he can beat Bo Duke. Jeez, with such deep pockets? I wonder. Lois says that there must be enough dirt on Lex to create a landmass the size of Texas. It is pretty big down here, I can tell you. Lex advises Lois to grab a shovel and start digging. Yes, let the great whining begin! Lex says he has nothing to hide. Lex turns to go, but Lois can't resist offering him the advice of dropping out of the race before "a pesky little squirrel digs up one of [his] rotten little acorns." She's going to sic Lana on him! Lex strides back and tells Lois there's nothing more valuable than savvy political advice from "a muffin-peddling college dropout." Holy shit! That's awesome! Lex, Lex, Lex! Rah rah rah! Smack! Lois shuts up, finally. I want to do a cartwheel. "Speaking of which, do you have banana blueberry today?" Lex asks smoothly. Who says he's not still The Sexy? I wonder if he ever got that latte.

Central Kansas A&M. Free steak fries with every course taken! The camera is at a freakishly low angle as Professor SoFine is talking to Clark. Must be trying to make him look taller. He says that most humans believe the Earth was made in seven days; he's surprised it took this long for Clark to trust him. Clark has no idea what that means, but he says he wants to know more about Jarnelle. First off, has he been pronouncing it wrong all this time? SoFine says that, like all historical figures, Janelle must be studied in context. He bores Clark by suggesting that they start at the beginning. Dammit, man, there's no time! Clark must start from the 2/3rds mark! Only then will he truly comprehend it all! Clark says he's worried for his mother. SoFine asks if it has to do with the bargain Clark made. Clark should have waited for Double Coupons Day. Clark asks how SoFine knows about that. SoFine says he's been keeping an eye on Clark for months. Just months? SoFine asks if MamaKent has marks on her skin. They're called freckles, Space Perfectionist. Clark says no, but asks if that's significant. SoFine says, "In due time." Dammit, we haven't got due time! Give us fragments from late in the story! Clark says that he has the right to know about his father. SoFine agrees, but says it'll take time. "I'm ready now!" Clark snaps. Give us the Krypt's Notes version, doc! SoFine tells Clark that impatience is a pathetic human trait. Oh, I don't have to stand here and listen to this shit. Wait, I'm sorry. That was pretty human, huh? SoFine, snapping shut his briefcase, says that's to be expected from someone raised by such a primitive race. Oh, by the way, Clark peed at his desk. Hope you don't mind, Professor. Clark says he cares a great deal about this "primitive race." It's an amazing race, really, especially our reality shows. Clark says he cares much more about them than he does about Krypton. "Waiting...patiently," SoFine says. What are...things Clark isn't going to stand here and do, jackass? That's it. I'm outta here. Call me when you're not such a dingus, old man.

Kent Farm. Bo bellows in the kitchen, "A Kryptonian is teaching history at Central Kansas University?" Now they've taken this diversity shit too far! Clark mutters to Bo and to MamaKent that he didn't believe it either, until he saw SoFine use his powers. MamaKent says that lots of meteor freaks have had Clark's powers, but that doesn't mean they're Kryptonian. They could just be special-effects designers. "He calls me Kal-El," says Clark. "He knows about Krypton." Maybe he likes comics. Bo advises Clark to "steer clear of this fella." Hee. He's a fella. Clark avoids their gaze. MamaKent figures out without saying anything but, "Clark..." that Clark has indeed been talking to this guy. Bo gets pissed and says that every time Clark has come in contact with a Kryptonian it's just been a bunch of death and destruction. They blew up this house, you dickweed! MamaKent reminds Bo that they can't be all bad as a people; Clark is one of them. Does being PC work in interstellar warfare situations? Bo says that Clark was raised with strong values. They don't know who this professor is. Clark says that the professor has done nothing but help so far. He told Clark about Lex, saved Lana, and took the silver Kryptonite out of him. "But why, Clark?" Bo asks. He says that Clark has no idea what SoFine's motives really are. They could be...could be gay fer cryin' out loud! You know what those college professors are like! They'll butt-plug you while reading you Nietzsche if you let them! A teakettle whistles and Bo and MamaKent try to figure out who'll go get it. MamaKent wins the kettle retrieval prize. MamaKent picks up the kettle. She gasps and drops the ceramic kettle, which shatters on the floor. MamaKent whimpers that she can't feel her hand. Bo grabs it, of course, and she gasps. She says her shoulder is burning. She takes off her jacket, and we see an angry claw-shaped welt on her shoulder. Ouchie. Stunned looks all around.

Commercials. Dude, I'm totally about to start playing The Movies. Hope it's good!

Smallville Medical Center. It always comes back to this place, doesn't it? No matter how successful Clark may become later in life, he'll always owe money to this hospital. In the waiting room, Clark asks Bo how MamaKent is doing. Bo says they're not sure what's wrong with her, so, of course, they should just give her some antibiotics and see how she's doing later. Clark can't believe this crap. When Bo tells him her vital signs are normal, he spits, "Normal?" like it's a bad thing. Clark says that it's anything but normal. It's even abnormal, maybe! Bo asks if there's something Clark's not telling him. Did you find something under Bo's bed in a little red box? Clark is worried. Bo thinks MamaKent will be fine.

Daily Planet. Chloe appears to be packing up her things for the night as newspaper logo'd screensavers surround her. She's surprised when she notices Papa Luthor is just standing there, saying, "Miss Sullivan." Don't they have security in this place, too? It's almost as bad as Lex's castle. Chloe tries to seem casual when she asks what he's doing there. Papa Luthor tells her she's made it to the major leagues. Time to start scratching and spitting like the pros. He hands her some colorful bright flowers and congratulates her. They share some smiles as Papa Luthor looks around the room and says, "Very very nice." Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't this the guy who tried to blow up Chloe and her father? I guess Chloe is in a forgiving mood. Papa Luthor gushes that soon Chloe will be working upstairs under the Tiffany lamps. Do motivational speeches from people who tried to kill you really work? I guess that's a Sideshow Bob question. Papa says that a big story could help that along, not that there's anything wrong with obits and wedding announcements, which he says can also be "scintillating" journalism. He must have been talking to the Perry White fromLois & Clark. Chloe, totally cool, says that she's not interested in a self-promoting fluff piece, if that's what he's pitching. Papa, reading the back page of the A section, moves toward the camera and we can read the blaring headline on the front page: "METROPOLIS STRANGLER SURRENDERS TO POLICE." Uh oh. Papa repeats the old adage that you can put a tuxedo on the fiddler, but he's still going to play the same old tune. Wha? Chloe says snarkily that he should jot that down and add it to his page-a-day calendar.

Papa, not taking his eyes from the back of the newspaper, tells Chloe as she's walking out that she has an appetite for the bizarre and inexplicable; that's why he thinks she's perfect for his story. Chloe stops herself, returns to Papa, and offers him one minute to make his spiel. Papa says, with lots of great expression and intonation, that there seems to be someone at Central Kansas University who has the ability to run at virtually the speed of light. He checks his watch cutely as he begins. He asks if she's heard of such a thing. Chloe blinks a bit, but says that the school is in Smallville, so it's pretty par for the course. Papa goes on to say that this person can lift a car with one hand and create fire with the blink of an eye. Chloe keeps a poker face, and then says it's a bit of a stretch, even for her. She asks if he has any proof. Papa says that if there were proof, there wouldn't be any need for investigative reporting. The person's name, Papa says, keeping Chloe in fearful suspense, is "Milton Fine." He tells her that SoFine is a professor of world history. Chloe asks why Papa Luthor is telling her this. "Frankly," he says, leaning forward and whispering, "I didn't think Time magazine would be interested." Chloe has no idea what to make of this. Papa Luthor bids her good day and exits. Chloe's not feeling so smart now.

Speaking of SoFine, he's walking the campus when Clark runs up and approaches him. SoFine asks if Clark wants some lecture notes or if he's ready for his "independent study." Clark tells SoFine that a mark did show up on MamaKent's arm. SoFine asks him to describe it. Clark says it's like a bruise with "veiny strands." Veiny Strands is available for any rockin' gigs you may want to book in the New Jersey area. SoFine stops his stride and sighs heavily. He says that Clark's dad used to torture dissidents on Krypton the same way. With vague shoulder marks and fainting? Sounds like pretty wussy torture to me. Here in America, we know how to torture the right way. Clark goes, "What?" SoFine says he can't hide the truth anymore. He says that Jarnelle was a violent dictator. Anyone who spoke out was locked away: "Even a great hero of the people. Zod." SoFine says that if Zod hadn't been captured, he might have saved Krypton from evisceration. "My father destroyed Krypton?" Clark asks, incredulous. SoFine says, "Billions of people died." And to make matters worse, FEMA got there a week too late. SoFine says bitterly, "But he made sure his only son survived." This is the part where, if SoFine were telling the truth, he'd smack Clark across the mouth on behalf of Zod. Clark tries on a stony look. It saves him from having to make an expression. SoFine says that the plan is for Clark to conquer the human race and recreate Krypton on Earth. How about Krypton on Ice? It could be really kicky! Think about it, guys. Clark asks why he should believe SoFine. SoFine tells Clark to believe whatever he wants; he's just concerned about MamaKent's health and needs to see her immediately. It just so happens that SoFine has a medical specialty in veiny strands.

Kent home. SoFine examines MamaKent's gruesomely colorful arm. Bo bellows that SoFine's not a doctor, and that what they need is medical attention. He tells SoFine just to get out of his way so that he can take MamaKent to the hospital, which you'd figure he'd have already done by now. Clark tells Bo that the doctors can't help. SoFine asks MamaKent if she fell unconscious a day and a half before. "Yes, exactly," she says. Bo tells Clark to go get the truck. SoFine stands and tells Bo that if doctors puncture MamaKent's skin or use medication, she could die instantly. Why not try Robitussin? Bo asks why he should trust SoFine. "He's Kryptonian," says Clark. "This could be a Kryptonian disease." It's a Kryptonian thing, Bo, you wouldn't understand. MamaKent suddenly seizes, shaking as she sits on the couch. Bo asks what's happening. SoFine asks if they have a meteor rock handy. It's in the pantry to the Pop-Tarts. Clark yells for Bo to go get the rock from a closet. Clark and SoFine get out of the way as Bo brings the little box over. "Hold it to her forehead," SoFine says. Bo takes out the glowing meteor rock and places it on her head. He tells her to breathe. Breathe, damn you! Live! MamaKent calms down. Clark says it's working. SoFine cheers everybody up by saying that's not true. There is no cure, and all the rock is doing is easing her pain. Hey, did you hear the one about Alexander the Great and how he...oh, too soon? Sorry. SoFine says that in a matter of hours, Clark's Earth mother will be dead. Foreboding music plays. MamaKent's still not looking too healthy.

Front porch. Clark says he's leaving to go see Jarnelle. SoFine says that Clark's biological dad is only going to feed him more lies. Mmm, lies. Bo asks angrily whether Clark's biological dad is responsible for this. Sorta? Bo asks Clark what's going on, as SoFine goes inside to see what's in the fridge. Clark says that when he was brought back to life, Jarnelle said that someone would have to die in exchange. "So he is going after your mother," Bo reasons. He asks why Clark didn't mention this sooner. Clark says he didn't want them to worry. Well, we're worried now, dammit! Bo says that Clark is the only one who can stop this, so he tells him to go on and do something. "I won't let him kill her," Clark says. "Don't," Bo advises, sagely. Clark superzips out of the scene. Bo wonders if SoFine already ate all the fried chicken from the fridge.

Commercials. Hey, you can win stuff! In fact, you could win a 2006 Ford Fusion! The only downside is that if you win, you have to drive a 2006 Ford Fusion. The commercial says you have to identify the song playing when Lois is driving the Ford Fusion (infused with mechanical parts that move!), but since we haven't gotten to that scene yet, you probably should hold off.

This is the WB welcome-back dialogue for the mid-point teaser. I swear I'm not making it up: "If you're just joining us, something is killing Clark's mother!" I have my moments, but even I cannot write something that funny.

The Fortress of Solitude! At least until they turn it into the Fortress of Condos. You really should get in on the ground floor because this baby's gonna appreciate like crazy when they build the Wal-Mart door. Clark, inside, holds a large Glowing Ice Dildo of Interstellar Knowledge. Wait, you put it where? Really? Is that the wisest thing? Does it hurt? "Kal-El!" says the booming voice of Jarnelle. "Why have you come?" I was in the shower! Just washing! But still! You should have called, my son! The opening credits say that this is the voice of Terence Stamp, but for some reason it just didn't sound like it to me. I really thought they got someone to sub for Stamp this week, but then I've been wrong about these things before, and I did go back and make sure his name was in the opening. Clark screams that Jarnelle can do what he wants to him, but that he should leave his mom alone. You don't have to yell, my son! I've got four bars on my cell phone right now! You sound fine! Jarnelle says he's caused MamaKent "no harm." Clark screams for Jarnelle not to lie, and says that if he'd known this would happen, he would have given up his own life in a second. "It was you who chose to give up your powers and turn your back on me," Jarnelle booms. So suck it, my son! Clark pleads with him to let MamaKent live. Jarnelle says he's sorry, but the wheel of fate has already been set in motion. If you are hungry, my son, there is also a wheel of cheddar cheese from which you may partake! It's over by the ice thing! Jarnelle says that even Clark can't alter destiny. Clark regards the ice dildo. You'll keep me warm, at least, won't you, sweet ice dildo? Clark shakes the dildo in frustration. Thanks for nuthin', old man!

Stately Luthor Manor. Lex, wearing his politician suit, is staring at an image on his laptop of the spaceship in the hangar. The screen goes to static. Lex asks the attractive lady to him what he's looking at. About a jillion dollars? She says that this interference started forty-eight hours ago and has continued since. Lex asks if it's a video glitch. She says it's more like an electromagnetic tidal wave. Lex made a huge mistake storing the ship on the island from Lost. Papa Luthor appears at the doorway, where the entrance is wide open. "Good afternoon, Lex," he says. Way to keep it top-secret, Lex. Once again, your crack security proves itself to be woefully pre-9/11. Lex, shutting the laptop, doesn't turn around as he tells Papa Luthor to save his breath if he's come to offer political advice. As he strides in, Papa gives a long look to the woman exiting, which, you know, right on. Papa says he's aware that Lex has a "cadre of top-shelf professionals for that." Papa, going straight for the Scotch, asks whether those advisers know what Lex keeps hidden behind closed doors. "Ooh," Lex says, "you must be referring to our deep, dark family secrets." Lex promises not to embarrass the Luthors. Papa says he's talking about what Lex keeps hidden in Warehouse 15. Lex does a bad job hiding his surprise, and says that if Papa wants to make up stories to cripple his campaign, he won't be the first: "Just make it original." Papa says it's not the campaign he's worried about, it's Lex legacy. He suggests that Lex won't want to be known as an eccentric like Howard Hughes. Papa says that Hughes is remembered more for his ten-inch toenails than for his contributions to society. By the way, be careful you don't trip on the jars of urine along the walls on your way out. Lex chuckles and says that Papa's the eccentric in the family. Papa says that's true, but that he's not the one running for office. Papa says that the electorate has little patience for "candidates obsessed with little green men." Hee. Papa, leaving, says it's time for Lex to get his house in order. Lex sighs at that. Cleaning is no fun.

A security booth. A red car pulls up. Hey, is that the 2006 Ford Fusion? I hear it's got passenger-side ball-massaging technology! The guard goes to the car, and Lois tells the guy that she's lost and can't find the highway. The song on the radio, by the way is a cover of "Wicked Game," amped up for noise by HIM. (And by HIM, I don't mean Chris Isaak.) The guard goes to get a map. "Go," Lois says. Chloe sneaks out of the back seat and crouches outside the car. "You know," says the guard when he comes back, "this is a really nice car!" We'll use that in the commercial! "Yeah it is, isn't it?" Lois tells him. Lois says you can't appreciate a car like the 2006 Ford Fusion unless you actually sit in it. "Really?" the dumb guard asks. "Come on!" Lois invites. Does it have an ejecting passenger seat? Lois lets the guard sit in the driver's seat while Chloe run, run, runs toward the warehouse. Lois says that the car is amazing, and invites him to try one of its many "cool buttons." The 2006 Ford Fusion: Try its many cool buttons. Lois shows him a "pop-up thingee" for holding like maybe three sheets of paper, tops. It's a bit slim, is what I'm saying. Lois says you can put breath mints in there. Six, maybe seven of them. The 2006 Ford Fusion: For the bad breath ahead.

Chloe inside the ridiculously unlocked warehouse. She finds a hangar and skulks around, investigating.

Lois is showing the guard the cup holder and stereo. He cranks the latter up. Lois tries to think of other cool things about the car, but really the buttons, stereo, and cup holder are pretty much it. The guard, bored, says he should get back to work. You know, guarding shit! Lois tells the guy that she loves a man in uniform. Even a rent-a-cop uniform?

Chloe is still sneaking around inside. She finds an opening in a giant exhaust fan and peeks through, seeing the tip of the spaceship and a pool of black oil under it. She watches as the oil moves and piles up to form Professor SoFine. He's so slick! A guard finds Chloe. He calls for backup. Chloe looks back to the hangar, but SoFine is gone.

Outside, the guard is getting the backup call. Lois says, "Hey!" and smacks him. Hey! She shakes her hand in pain. She hops into her car and drives past the gate, breaking it. Chloe struggles with the other guard, but she manages to kick him and free herself. She runs to the car, hops in, and says, "Thank you, Miss Andretti!" Lois drives off. No other car makes a clean getaway like the 2006 Ford Fusion. Remember that, young would-be criminals.

Commercials. There's an ad for a Kia Amati. Hey, fuck you, Kia Amati! You're no 2006 Ford Fusion! You're built for, like, the road way behind us! Do not think that you can buy our loyalty with ads during Smallville! Unless you can be integrated as a vital part of the plot of the show, you're unwelcome here, Kia Amati. And with that, I bid you good day, sir. I SAID GOOD DAY!

SoFine at the lecture hall. Clark, desperate, comes in and tells SoFine that he'll do anything to save his mother. Anything? Take off your shirt, farmboy. SoFine says there's one option, but that he wouldn't recommend it. What's your stance on ice dildos, Clark? Clark asks what it is. SoFine sighs. He says that Jarnelle is still Clark's only link with his past. "Just tell me what it is!" Clark snaps. You impatient ass! SoFine says that the only way to save MamaKent is to destroy the Fortress of Solitude. You must make it into a Fortress of Exploditude. SoFine explains calmly that if he destroys that, Jarnelle will lose his grip on MamaKent. Clark mutters that Jarnelle has only ever tried to ruin his life. SoFine says that was Jarnelle's M.O. on Krypton, too. Clark tries to look menacing. "I want him gone," he says. Dead! Head on a pike! Mincemeat! Horse in his bed! Unalive! SoFine sighs, but he's thinking, "I got this bitch right where I want him."

Kent home. A close-up of a family photo of Clark, MamaKent, and Bo. Bo, to MamaKent, tells her that she's strong enough to get through this. She's got the glowing rock on her chest. Bo asks her not to give up. She nods. There's a knock at the door. Bo kisses her and gets up to answer. Chloe lets herself in before he can. She says she has to find Clark, and asks if he's with the professor. "Yeah, they went to the cave," Bo tells her. They took a picnic basket, some wine, French bread, and cheeses -- why do you ask? You don't think something funny's going on, do you? Chloe looks panicked and tells Bo that SoFine is not normal. Bo says he knows, and that SoFine is trying to help MamaKent. Chloe says she's not sure how helpful SoFine will be. She exits without another word, leaving Bo to think, "So...is my wife gonna die? Do you think? Maybe? No? All right, Chloe, we'll just talk later. Take it sleazy!"

The Caves of Contrivance. Clark and SoFine approach the Interstellar Poker Table of Instantaneous Travel and Backgammon. Clark sticks his octagonal key in the slot. Hey, they raised it to 50 cents! That sucks! Bright light glows, wrapping Clark and SoFine in it.

The ice fortress! "I'll tear this place down, piece by piece," Clark says. Yeah, you go do that. Way to be efficient. Clark asks where he should start. "Right here," SoFine says, holding out an ice dildo. Oh, you sick bastard. It's big and black and just Clark's type. SoFine says that when Clark puts it in the console (is that what the kids are calling it these days?), Jarnelle and his ice fortress will be no more. He'll die of shame. SoFine says that the self-destruction mechanism was Zod's, but that Zod was a man of peace and would only use it as a last resort. Clark holds the ice dildo like a vampire stake (yes, we get the reference) and says, "You'll never hurt my family again!" He jabs the black ice dildo into a chamber. So...big! Everything around Clark and SoFine glows red and begins to shake. Oh no, a blood vessel burst! Clark starts to feel weak all of a sudden. It's because SoFine is holding a piece of Kryptonite. "I couldn't have done it without you!" SoFine says, suddenly eeeeeevil. He claims that Clark is the only one who could affect the fortress. SoFine says that now that Clark's done his part, he's just a petty annoyance. I'll agree on the annoyance part. Clark figures out that SoFine, immune to the rock, must not be Kryptonian. SoFine says that he was built by a Kryptonian: "But I'm a whooooole lot smarter. You are free, General Zod!" SoFine backs Clark onto a flat surface and keeps the meteor rock held over our Big, Dumb Alien. SoFine says that Zod is the one true Kryptonian, and that Zod can finally rid Earth of the "scourge of humans." Aw, but what about Frisbee golf? That's kind of fun! Don't get rid of that! Clark, hobbled, figures out that everything SoFine said about Jarnelle was actually about Zod. Clark also figures out that it was SoFine who poisoned MamaKent. SoFine says that Clark's giving up his Kryptonian heritage for a single human makes him a pathetic disgrace. He lays the rock on Clark's chest and bids Clark goodbye. Yeah, just leave the hero alone, why don't you? A portal opens on one of the ice walls. SoFine greets Zod and welcomes him to his new home.

Chloe in the caves. She calls for Clark. He's gone. She goes to the table and finds the octagonal key. She lifts it up and re-inserts it. Bright light. Chloe goes travellin'.

Chloe at the fortress. She sees all hell breaking loose, but goes to Clark first. As SoFine has his back turned and his superhearing set to "Low," Chloe chucks the meteor rock away from Clark. Clark gets up and removes the black dildo from its hole. Awww. We see a flat square disc flying toward us from the portal, but all that disappears as soon as the dildo is free. Chloe, freezing, watches from a corner. SoFine charges at Clark, but Clark spins and sends SoFine flying in the same direction, past him. SoFine flies in slow motion across the fortress. Clark goes to Chloe. SoFine zips back over to them. His eyes glow orange. He eyejaculates at Clark, sending him flying. Clark lands on some ice shards. SoFine grabs the black dildo and tries to stab Clark with it. Clark resists. Clark gives a mighty push, sending SoFine flying again. SoFine falls backward, landing right on the sharp ice crystal holders. He is impaled. To prove their point, the clear crystals extend through his chest. SoFine loses his grip on the mighty black ice dildo. Clark approaches him. SoFine turns his head to look at Clark. There's blood coming out of his mouth. And eye. Eww. SoFine disappears in a flash of light.

Cut to Lex's Warehouse o' Spaceship. The ship disappears in a flash in much the same way SoFine did.

At the Kent home, MamaKent wakes up suddenly. She looks perfectly healthy. She and Bo hug. "It's gone!" she says. They kiss. Thanks, Blue Star Ointment!

Fortress. Chloe and Clark give each other serious looks.

Commercials. We get a preview of Superman Returns, and I'm not going to recap it; I'll just say that they don't give all that much away, we don't see Lex Luthor, and the barn looks quite a lot like the one from this show. Go download it if you're really curious.

We return with really a lovely scene, well-shot, of Clark and MamaKent talking in the barn. The door is open and they stand in silhouette as the rain falls behind them. I don't know who ordered this composition, but it really is beautiful. Shelby's even there. Clark asks if MamaKent's all right. MamaKent says that rainstorms smell great after you thought you'd never see one again. Clark mumbles that he can't imagine life if she were gone. MamaKent says he'd learn to move on. Clark says that his father's given so much that he could never measure it. "But you're my heart. My soul," Clark says, sweetly. MamaKent, clearly touched, says she doesn't plan to go anywhere for a long time. "Good," Clark says. They hug tightly. Clark still looks worried.

Inside. Chloe sits in front of the Kent couch, Shelby at her side. No Lana? Hey, I'm not complaining. The fireplace is going and she looks pretty cozy. She says she'll have to remember to bring a parka time she goes up there. Clark brings her a warm drink and asks how she got to the fortress. Chloe says that he left the key at the cave. She warns him to be more careful. Clark takes the octagon from her and sits beside her. Clark says heavily that SoFine claimed human beings were unreliable: "He obviously didn't know you very well." Chloe says that "Roboprofessor" knows as much about human nature as R2-D2. I think R2 is a pretty good judge of character, actually. Chloe asks what SoFine was. She saw him materialize out of nuts and bolts from the spaceship. Nuts and bolts? Clark figures he was some sort of Kryptonian artificial intelligence. Chloe asks what he wanted with Clark. To free Zod. Zod, bitches! Clark asks how Chloe got on SoFine's trail. Chloe says that Clark isn't going to like it, but that she got it from Papa Luthor. Clark asks how Papa knew about SoFine. "I have no clue," Chloe says. She hopes Papa doesn't know about the spaceship, and suggests that Clark go get a hold of it before someone else does. What's Clark going to do with the ship? Clark says he already checked the warehouse. The ship is gone. Oops. Chloe says that the "master of the shell game" must have moved it. "Or," Clark says, "I have a bigger problem than I thought." Worried looks. Uh oh. SoFine is SoAlive.

Lair of Lex. Lex is at the piano, looking dejected. Papa Luthor comes in. He asks what Lex's urgent message is about. He puts his hands on Lex's shoulder, but Lex pulls away. Lex mutters that he thought Papa was past his kleptomania stage. Papa, a bit annoyed, says that if Lex is implying thievery, he has no interest in Lex's "baubles and trinkets." Lex says that Papa Luthor seemed interested in what was in his warehouse. Lex asks what Papa did -- pay off security, bribe his scientists? Papa seems disappointed that Lex lost his most prized possession. He lectures Lex on not keeping an eye on the things he values most. "I want it back now!" Lex snaps. Papa says that he had nothing to do with this "unfortunate heist." Man, that guy can act. Genius! Lex says he doesn't know what happened to Papa Luthor during the meteor shower, but that he thinks Papa is more connected to the ship than he ever realized. Papa advises Lex to be careful, because he's a fragile man. "I don't want to see you shattered again by your delusions --" Lex interrupts him by holding his father's head between his hands. Lex gives his father the stare-down, and then lets him go and walks off. Ominous music plays. Papa walks over to the piano and plays three notes. Figaro?

Daily Planet. Lois walks in uninvited and goes to Chloe, hoping she dug up some dirt on Lex -- even a parking ticket. Chloe says that Lex keeps his dirty laundry in a cast-iron hamper. Lois says she's been thinking that the power of public office is going to make Lex want to rule the world someday. Chloe suggests that Lois do something about it. Lois says she doesn't plan to raid any more warehouses after Chloe only found a bunch of fertilizer in there. Chloe smiles and say it wasn't a complete waste of time. Lois bitches about a scratch on her car, the 2006 Ford Fusion, built for the body repair ahead. Chloe says that Lois got to experience the thrills and chills of journalism. Yeah, it's just like that every single day. Whee! "Thanks but no thanks," Lois says. She doesn't know how Chloe does it, chasing leads that go nowhere: "I'd never be able to let go." Chloe smiles knowingly. "That's usually how it starts," she tells Lois. Superman music plays as Lois gets tingly at that, and turns to look at the giant Daily Planet logo on the wall behind her. Oh, jeez. Lois smiles.

Kent barn. Clark is once again holding the octagonal key in his hand. Bo approaches. He puts a hand on his son's shoulder. Bo asks how Clark is holding up. Clark is upset at how gullible he was about SoFine. Bo says he'd have done the same thing in an effort to save MamaKent. Bo says the best thing would be to put this behind them and get on with their lives. Clark's not so sure; Jarnelle's warning is still out there. Bo says that SoFine was to blame for MamaKent's illness and that, for all they know, Jarnelle might never do anything to them. Clark says that Janelle's not the type to let things go. Bo says that when it comes right down to it, we won't all be around forever. Look at the cows. They'll be hamburger meat soon, but they're happy, happy, happy! Be the cow, Clark! Bo says that they should live life to the fullest and spend as much time as possible with the people they love. Until we reach the Great Platitude Book in the Sky. "You're right," says Clark. "Yeah," says Bo, and then a crushingly ominous sound takes us to blackout, signaling...yep, Bo will soon be hamburger meat himself. But, hey, I know no spoilers; I'm just going by the big old hint here.