Paranoid Man-droid

S05E07

By Omar G

Remember how last season I complained that nothing was happening for, oh, about twenty episodes? Well, now so much is happening that I can barely keep up. While visiting Lana's dorm room, Clark cuts his finger on a silver meteor rock with a note attached saying it's from Lex. On his way home, Clark is run off the road by someone in a black truck. Things go from bad to worse when Clark sees Bo Duke accept money from Papa Luthor in order to run against Lex in the senate election. Clark throws his parents around the room, and when he goes to Chloe for help, he suspects she's given up his secret to Papa Luthor. The problem is that Clark is growing increasingly paranoid, a symptom of silver Kryptonite infection. Clark's delusions extend to Professor SoFine, whom Clark believes is also being stalked, and Lana, whom Clark thinks is mugging down with Lex. Each of these things is half-true. Lana is getting closer to Lex as he finally reveals to her that he's been keeping the spaceship she saw in storage. Chloe has been talking to Papa Luthor, but only about the election. And Bo Duke may be getting help in the election from Papa Luthor, who doesn't like the idea of Lex going mad with power after winning. As for SoFine: he saves Clark by plunging a splinter-sucker onto Clark's neck (the less said about SoFine sucking on Clark's neck, the better) that removes the silver Kryptonite. But in doing so, SoFine reveals that he's also a Kryptonian, here to show Clark the Way of the Krypto-Dudes. "Don't Call Me Kal-El" Clark tells SoFine that he trusts humans and won't turn against them. Lex, meanwhile, makes the ship disappear to some new location away from SoFine. And Lex is smacked down, hard, by Papa Luthor, who tells him that no matter what election he wins, Lana will never love him because she knows his true nature. That's harsh, even for Papa Luthor.

Greetings! Time to recap Smallville again, but I have to ask: are you with me or against me? Should I trust you? You're all out to get me, aren't you? Goddammit, answer me! (Removes Microsoft mouse splinter from hand.) Oh, I feel much better now. Moving on...

We start at Metropolis University. Home to great minds; no, it's true -- Clark Kent didn't get in. On a laptop screen, someone is fiddling with a computerized map of Kansas featuring the town of Smallville. As alterna-crap music plays, we pan back from the computer as the map shifts and flattens, showing some sort of formation in space pointing toward the town. At the helm of the computer is freshman college student Lana Lang, who is apparently doing some independent astronomy research. Now, you'll have to excuse me -- I always get astronomy and astrology confused. One is with stars and the other is with bullshit, right? Lana stares at the screen using her Determined Possum face. The coordinates in space are triangulated with Smallville on the screen. Huh, let's see. If a meteor comes down at a gajillion miles per hour toward Lana's parents, who weigh an average of 140 pounds...yep...that would flatten them.

Lana, who looks a bit like she needs a nap, reacts in surprise when someone knocks on her dorm-room door, and then enters without waiting for acknowledgment. But I'm getting dress-- oh, never mind. Big, Dumb Clark enters. I do love Chloe's Attack of the 50' Woman poster. Lana hastily closes her laptop lest Clark see her astronoporn. Lana asks what Clark is doing in Metropolis. Not calling ahead, for one thing. Clark says that he was in town to pick up tractor parts for his dad. Yeah, you won't find tractor parts in rural Kansas. You've got to go to the ultra-modern city to get spark plugs and giant wheels. The tractor parts are apparently in a little box, which Clark brought up to the dorm for who knows what reason. Maybe he thought he and Lana were going to get kinky and have a rancher's afternoon delight. Clark says that, while he was there, he picked up something for Lana. He tells Lana that he got her text message, so he brought her some brain food. Lana says she doesn't remember "texting" him. Fucking, yes. Breaking up and getting back together a hundred times? Check. Going to China to track down space artifacts? Did it. But "texting?" That's just crazy. Lana's confusion about the text message quickly turns to a sly grin when she asks, "Is that Chow Mein?" The chowiest. Clark is her Mein man.

Clark asks what Lana's working on. "Oh, just some astronomy," she says, trying to play off whatever suspicious thing she was just doing. She lies that it's just numbers and equations and other things she doesn't understand. Oh, lookit me, I'm just a wittle dumb girl who doesn't understand math. Woe is me with these crazy equations! Lana is engaged in some theriouth thecreths and lieth. She kisses Clark. "Chow Mein," she reiterates. Clark says that the box was at Lana's door, so I guess it doesn't really contain tractor parts, although that would have been a lot more fun. Lana opens a plain white envelope attached to the box. "'Given your new major,'" Lana reads, "'I thought you might find this interesting. Lex.'" Lex in a box would be interesting. "Lex is sending you gifts?" Clark asks, suspiciously. Just then, Clark hurts his finger on whatever was in the box. He drops it, and we see a plastic-looking silver and black piece of rock fall out, along with some crinkled shredded paper. Lana asks if Clark is all right. His finger! It's bleeding a little. "Just a scratch," Clark says, scared, as if discovering a lump in his testes. Lana picks up the offending object. "It's a meteor rock," she says. Oh, she's majoring in Astronomy and Geology? Lana says she hasn't seen a meteor rock like this one. Shiny. Clark hastily says that he has to go, and that his dad's probably waiting for the tractor parts. What kind of man would Bo be with a broken tractor? Clark doesn't give Lana a hug or kiss her goodbye. As Clark opens the door, Chloe is there, saying hi. He walks right past her. "...and bye," Chloe finishes for him. She asks if her deodorant went south. To her hips? Lana says she has no idea what's up with Clark: "I guess he's not into Geology." Yes, that's exactly why Clark left so abruptly. You know him so well, like Whitney Houston's mom. Close-up on the black and silver rock. Mmm, dark chocolate.

A country road. Some roadside cows are upset at their limited screen time so far in Season 5. You'll be hearing from their agent. Unfortunately, she's a cow, so you'll be hearing it in moos. Clark is driving his red truck as harder rock music plays. He examines the cut on his index finger. Yep, something penetrated his alien skin, all right. Someone behind Clark starts honking. It's a big, black truck. More honking. Clark sticks his hand out the window and signals for the truck to go around. It doesn't. Instead, it rams into the back of Clark's truck. Then it rams him again. Clark turns sharply and fishtails. The truck is still in pursuit. It drives up beside Clark, but the driver can't be seen because the windows are tinted dark. The truck grinds against the Kentmobile, scraping it up. "What the hell is wrong with you?" Clark yells. The truck slows down and gives it to Clark hard from behind. What? I didn't say anything! Clark swerves, and it goes from bad driving to something exploding under Clark's truck and sending it spinning in the air. Clark's truck rolls spectacularly and finally comes to a halt with the trunk up and the passenger side door ajar. Another Smallville truck bites the dust. Thanks for raising the insurance rates for everyone again, dingus. Clark -- completely unhurt, of course -- sits up in his seat. He gets out and doesn't see the black truck anywhere. It was a wraith! Clark's cell phone rings. It's Geico. They want your blood. The person on the phone says, in a deep voice, "I know who you are." Clark hangs up the phone and thinks, "This is going to be a shit day." He jogs over to the middle of the road and looks around as the camera pans way, way back. Smallville: Pick-up truck graveyard of the world.

Opening credits.

The front page of The Daily Planet. I won't bore you by going into my thoughts on newspaper design, but this front page is pretty damn ugly. The main hed reads (in two different type sizes) "LEX LUTHOR TO RUN FOR STATE SENATE." We pan back to reveal the Kent kitchen, where Bo Duke is holding the newspaper. He moans that it's not bad enough that Lex owns half the state -- now he wants to tell people how to run their lives. Jealous? Seeking a higher platform for your home-spun platitudes? MamaKent bookmarks her page in a book she's reading and tells Bo that she doesn't want him to risk his health running for office like Tom Wopat suggested. Bo tells her he feels fine. Physically, where it counts. MamaKent says that the election is in January (whaaa?), and that putting together a campaign that quickly will be hard on Bo's heart. He says that the stress of watching Lex get sworn in will be even worse. MamaKent complains that if he runs, their personal lives will be dug into. She asks what'll happen if people find out Clark's secret. Clark, walking through the door, says he thinks someone already has. He says that someone ran him off the road on his way back from Metropolis. "Oh, by the way, I owe you guys another truck," he doesn't add. Bo asks whether Clark knew who it was. Clark says it took off before he could identify a driver. Clark says that someone called him and said, in a weird voice, "I know who you are." This is very important, Clark: did they say if they know what you did last summer? MamaKent sighs. How is she supposed to get to work now? Bo tells Clark to stick to his normal routine and not to do anything unusual. Stick to the straight and narrow. Don't be a deviant. Er, I mean, don't deviate...from the hetero, er, I mean here-to-there comings and goings. But without the comings. Boy, this doesn't sound right at all. Bo suggests that "these people" are going to be watching Clark's every move. He suggests that Clark not give them anything to gawk at. Keep your shirt on, farmboy. Dramatic music plays. I guess "gawk at" is a natural break for this show.

Central Kansas University: The community college where you get two-for-one classes on Wednesdays when you bring a coupon. Professor SoFine lectures with some slides. "Brutus and Caesar," he says. "Jesus and Judas." Is that...historical figures that have been used as the basis for too many mini-series? "What happened?" SoFine asks. Dude, I have no idea. I was just checking my text messages. Aren't you the History teacher? Clark sits in class in his red t-shirt, which seems a bit underdressed, as SoFine lectures that if history teaches us anything, it's that even the most powerful men can be betrayed by those they love most. SoFine says the reason we see so much betrayal in history is simple: duplicity is human nature. The buzzer sounds, signaling that the class is over. Dammit! Betrayed by Father Time again! SoFine asks if the classes are getting shorter or if it's just him. Nope, SoFine is the short one. Everyone clears out of class, including SoFine, who takes his briefcase and exits. Clark notices a bookbag that somebody left behind. He picks it up, and a green Kryptonite rock rolls out from under it. Piercing sounds play as Clark backs away. The overhead projector comes on. Clark looks to the screen, but the words are blurry. Clark tries to focus. The screen reads, "I KNOW HOW TO KILL YOU." On, this must be a slide for Econ class. The boredom will kill you. Clark blinks. The tension! It's killer!

Clark rushes outside as dramatic music tries to punch up the scene. SoFine sees Clark walking by a Student Union booth and asks if everything is all right: "You look a little stressed out." Clark says that something really weird happened after class. He read. And then he comprehended. It was trippy. Clark says that, yesterday, a truck tried to run him off the road. "It wasn't black, was it?" SoFine asks. Why's it gotta be a black truck, huh, professor? This institution is so racist! SoFine says he thinks the same truck is following him. Only the one following him is full of Buffy nuts. Clark asks whether he knows who might be responsible. SoFine says that they've been fishing in dangerous waters, and that maybe the shark is getting testy. "Lex?" Clark asks. Well, Lex does get testes. SoFine says he never thought Lex would take things this far. SoFine apologizes for getting Clark pulled into this. Clark plans to go barge into Lex's house for the umpteenth time to accuse him of something on no evidence. Right on, Clark. You go do that. SoFine tells Clark not to be so hasty; he wants to make sure it's Lex first. He says he jotted down the license plate on the truck. He asks if Clark knows someone who can look up the plates for a registration. So, SoFine is this master researcher with all these great resources to dig into major dirt, but he doesn't have anyone that can do a simple AutoTrack for him? I smell set-up. Clark says that his friend Chloe can do it. Hell, she could do it as a freshman in high school. SoFine says he'll check with campus security to see if they've spotted the truck. He tells Clark to remember that, whatever happens, they're in this together. Clark looks a tiny bit less worried.

Daily Planet newsroom. Clark is pacing as Chloe is looking up the plates on what looks like her personal laptop. She says they should get a fax response in a few minutes. Clark has a hunch that the truck is registered to LuthorCorp. It all fits! Like an intricate jigsaw puzzle made of three pieces! Chloe's not so sure. She says that Lex comes from the "Rube Goldberg School of Villainy." We'd tell you how to apply, but it's kinda complicated. So they're already assigning Lex straight up into the villainy camp? Chloe says that a direct attack isn't really Lex's style. "There's only one way to find out," Clark says with steely resolve. Yes: have Chloe do it for you. Chloe gets out of her desk chair to go check on the fax machine.

Clark notices a prompt and a beep on Chloe's computer signaling that she has a new email message. He sits and examines Chloe's email. Apparently, she's not working too much, because all the messages are either newsroom memos, or messages from Lana, Clark, or Papa Luthor. Clark's email, amusingly, just says, "Hey Chloe!" Lana's subject line is, "You coming out?" I think that one was supposed to go to Clark. Papa Luthor's messages have "No Subject," "Hello Chloe...," and "Re: Your question" as subject lines. Clark blinks and double-clicks Papa Luthor's latest message. The "No Subject" message contains text that reads, "THERE ARE NO SECRETS." Chloe -- who returns to the room carrying a fax and some Chloevage in a smart business jacket -- says that there's a problem; the vehicle she looked up doesn't seem to exist. A bit much skin for the newsroom, don't you think, Chloe? As Chloe tries to ask if Clark is sure about the plate number, Clark interrupts to ask why she's getting messages from Papa Luthor. Indignantly, Chloe asks, "You read my emails?" Clark stands and glares, telling her to answer the question. Chloe says that her job requires her to talk to a lot of people, including "moral pygmies" like Papa Luthor. Clark, looking a bit strung-out, asks if Chloe told Papa Luthor his secret. He says that only three people in town know his secret: his mom, his dad, and Chloe. Chloe lowers her voice to ask if he thinks she sold him out: "Clark, I would never, ever do that." Clark considers her for a moment, and then tells her, "I can't believe I trusted you." Well, really, Clark, you didn't. Chloe found out about your powers on her own. Chloe says she didn't say anything. Clark, not caring, walks out.

Lair of Lex. Lex angrily throws down some papers and says into his cell phone, "I'm paying you for results, Griff, not excuses. Get it done!" "Griff"? "Results"? Great that we know what's going on here. Lana walks through the door. I think I finally figured it out: Lex has no front door. It must be hard to find a good one for a castle, but while it's on back-order, people can just walk in and out through the open door frame. Lex, looking a bit surprised to see her (get that door fixed!), tells "Griff" that he'll have to call him back. Oh, sweet, sweet Griff. Did you and Lex have a tiff? Lana asks if this is a bad time. "For you?" he says. "Never." Lana sits herself down and thanks Lex for the meteor rock he sent. She tells him it's an amazing find, and that she'd like to know more about it. "What rock would that be?" he asks. Modern. It's all over the former alternative stations. Lana says playfully, "Uh, the silver meteor rock?" Lex says that's intriguing, but that he's never seen one of those before. What color is it? Lex says it wasn't from him. Lana tells him that there was a note attached with his name on it. Lex says that someone's playing a game with Lana, because he doesn't know anything about it. Sounds like a pretty dumb game. How about sending Lana Mario Party 7? ["That game's too fun for stupid Lana." -- Wing Chun] Lana, whisper-accusatory, says, "Just like you don't know anything about the spaceship that landed during the last meteor shower." Lex does the thing where he ducks his head when he's been caught in a lie or an embarrassing truth. "That's different," he tells her. "Whyyyy?" Lana purrs. More forthright than usual, she asks, "Why is it different, Lex?" Deep breath. Lex says there are some doors that can't be closed once they're open. Like his front door. "Thanks," Lana says, pissed-off as she gets up to leave. "Did you get that from a fortune cookie?" Wow, Lana's really got Chow Mein on the brain. Lex, standing, changes course and says that everything he's done has been to protect Lana. And to play house with a farmboy. Lana asserts that she doesn't need protection; she needs the truth. No more thecreths, Lex! "Then I have something to show you," Lex says. He looks a little exhausted.

Lex Luthor's Alien Spaceship Lube and Body Shop. An elaborate and fabulous lighting scheme illuminates the Kryptonian ship. The '06s have passenger-side curtain airbags. Very handy if you crash-land on Earth. This whole set really is very Starlight Express. But Lex is totally straight, of course. Lana says in a humorously rough voice, "It's real!" Lex says that it is indeed real, and that now he wants Lana to help him get inside and figure out what they're dealing with. It could be aliens! Lana stares at the ship in awe. Maybe if you built a big mound of dirt in your dorm room...

Kent Farm. Bo is in the barn, moving around some rolled-up pieces of fencing. "The hardworking American farmer!" says Papa Luthor, appearing magnificent in his black suit and tie. Papa says he can see the ads now. No TV ads, though, he says, given Bo's finances. Bo bellows that he doesn't know how Papa Luthor found out he was thinking about running for the state senate, but that if he's trying to strong-arm him out... Papa Luthor interrupts to say it's quite to the contrary. He offers his support, money, and considerable influence. Papa says that Bo's foe is "more than privileged" in those departments. Bo asks why Papa Luthor would back Bo against his own son. For shits and giggles? Papa takes a bastardous moment with that, scoffing slightly before answering: Papa Luthor says that Lex is an extraordinary young man with an extraordinary appetite for power. Emphasis on power. Papa says he fears that if Lex wins in his first political challenge, he'll like the taste of power so much, "he'll go on to devour the whole world." Astute, that. Bo's got just the platitude for the occasion: "Guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." Sometimes it rolls farther when it's rotten to the core. Papa Luthor says he knows Bo doesn't trust him, but asks that his support be accepted anyway. We see Clark sneaking around the barn; he's listening in on the conversation. Bo laughs and tries to blow Papa Luthor off. "I know about Clark," says Papa Luthor seriously. He says that Chloe Sullivan has supplied him with all the info he needs. Stock quotes, horoscopes, access to the obits file. Having access to a low-level employee at The Daily Planet rocks! Papa Luthor rattles off what he knows: Clark's powers, his true identity, his vulnerability to Kryptonite. Do you know his shoe size? Because Clark's about to put a boot in your ass. Papa asks Bo to accept his support. He hands over an envelope and guarantees Bo a seat in the Senate. Bo opens the envelope as the Music of Dramatic Shifting plays. It's full of cash. Bo asks what happens if he doesn't accept. Papa says that Clark's secret will come out; it's just a matter of how Clark will be treated during the testing: "He can either be a distinguished guest or strapped down like a lab rat." Papa says it's Bo's choice. Bo pockets the money and shakes Papa Luthor's hand, which is a very un-Bo-like thing for him to do. Clark conveys an emotion: slight sadness.

Lana is running her hand along a dark surface. Mmm, that's good aftermarket. "It's so smooth," Lana coos. And it turns out it's Sam Jackson's head! If only. As Lana admires the spacecraft from up close, Lex watches. Lana says that the surface almost feels like liquid. It would make the smoothest of smoothies. Lex says that it's a frictionless surface: "At least, that's what my experts tell me." Would Lana even be able to feel a frictionless surface? Maybe you need to get new experts, Lex. Lana is suddenly annoyed that Lex has been studying the ship, since Lana saw it and he let her think she was losing her mind. Lex says that he didn't mean to do that; he was just trying to protect her. Lana bristles and asks what it is Lex thinks he's protecting her from. Lex, who is wearing shoes that make a lot of noise when he walks, monologues that the ship is one of the most important discoveries in the history of mankind. More than Velcro? I don't think so, Lex. He thinks people would be willing to kill for a lot less. Murderers especially. Lex, in backlit profile, says that if something happened to Lana because of that, he'd never forgive himself. Wow, that almost sounded noble. In a pissy tone that picks up none of the warm fuzzies Lex intended, Lana asks, "So what changed?" Lex says that he couldn't keep lying to Lana. "Is that the real reason," she asks, "or are you and your scientists stumped?" Lana's suddenly a hard-ass in all things Lexian. Lana surmises that she's useful because she's the only person who's seen the ship open up. Oh, like Lana's the reason it opened. I guess spaceships are just as vulnerable to Lana's charms as human TV show producers are. Lex walks to Lana and tells her that this is her chance to get answers about everything that's happened since her parents were flattened by a meteor. Her parents were WHAT?! That's awful! Lex says that the meteors, the ship, and all the funky things that happen in town are tied together. Almost like an episodic series of some sort. Lex puts his hands on Lana's shoulders and tells her that he's offering the opportunity of a lifetime, and that it's up to her whether she wants to take it. ...Or you could go for what's in the special prize box! The box, Lana! Go for the box! Lana fails to decide in this scene, which is just as well, because the box was probably empty.

Kent home. MamaKent is rushing down the stairs with laundry, telling Clark that Bo was looking for him. "Just saw him in the barn with Lionel Luthor," Clark mutters, as if he's just seen an awful, dirty thing. MamaKent repeats the name in surprise. Bo comes through the kitchen door jovially. "There he is!" he says, asking Clark to give him a hand with a tractor. You may fix the tractor, Bo Duke, but can you repair your damaged son? "Where is it?" Clark asks. Bo starts to say that the tractor is by the barn, but Clark starts frisking Bo roughly. Bo chuckles like it's tickle-fight time. "Clark!" MamaKent says worriedly. Clark finds the envelope in Bo's pocket. "See? He got this from Lionel Luthor," Clark says, waving the envelope. Oh, crap. It's Veronica Mars's paternity test. And...oh no! She's an alien, too! Clark thinks his dad's plotting to put him in a lab. "Clark!" Bo says sharply, to the tune of "dumb-ass!" Bo explains that he was talking to Papa Luthor about the campaign, and that the envelope was Lex's balance sheet so that Bo could see what he was up against. Isn't that a bit illegal if LuthorCorp isn't a public company? "What about the money?" Clark asks, rifling through the envelope. "What money?" MamaKent asks. "This money!" says Clark dramatically, waving around some pizza coupons and magazine subscription cards. Behold! Bo found a better deal on Redbook! That wily man! "Why you doing this to me, Dad?" Clark asks. So you can learn to read? Clark repeats the question and slams his fist into the counter, breaking it. Bo hops back, a little scared. "Clark! Stop it," MamaKent says, grabbing his arm. Clark waves her back and sends her flying roughly toward the living room. Make me some chicken pot pie, woman! "Hey!" Bo bellows as he unwisely tries to tussle with Clark. Clark throws him against a pole and holds him up, choke-hold style. "No more lies," Clark says, a little dreamily. He wants the truth. "Tell me!" Clark barks. "You want the truth?" Bo asks. I'd make a joke about Clark not being able to handle the truth, but of more concern is that I'm not even sure he has full bladder control. Bo manages, "You were never really my son!" The milkman was a hot Italian! "You were a thing I found I the cornfield," Bo tells Clark. Clark is hurt. Then angry. Then hurt again. He doubles over in pain. Chloe is standing there holding a glowing piece of green meteor rock. She tells Clark she doesn't want to do this and asks him to calm down. "You're all in this together," Clark says, "I knew it." He's able to zip out of the room and break through the front door to get outside. Then he zips away entirely.

Bo and MamaKent, more shaken than stirred, get up. Chloe asks MamaKent if she's all right. Hey, how about some concern for Big Bo over here, little lady? He's got a bent trachea or something. "How long have you known about Clark?" MamaKent asks, a bit angrily. "Since last year," she answers. Bo asks how much Clark told her. "Well, everything...I think," Chloe tells them. She says that's how she knew about the Kryptonite hidden in the barn. She says she heard all the commotion inside. Did the commotion really last long enough for her to run to the barn, get the rock, and come back? Signs point toward no. MamaKent asks why Clark is acting this way. Chloe tells them about Clark's freak-out at The Daily Planet. MamaKent thinks it must be red Kryptonite. Bo thinks it's somehow different. "Red Kryptonite?" Chloe asks, curiously. "There's another kind of Kryptonite. It's red instead of green," MamaKent offers. Well, that explains that. MamaKent says that the red stuff makes Clark act unpredictably. "What about silver Kryptonite?" Chloe asks. Bo makes a weird little face. "Silver?" he asks. Is that anything like beige?

Lana's dorm room. Lana walks in and is shocked when Clark appears, pulling her into a hug. He looks sweaty and freaked-out, and says he's been waiting for her. He pulls out a tiny overnight bag from her closet and tells her to pack all her stuff. Hee. Lana asks where they're going. "Up north," he says. "I know a place." Clark thinks she'll have to learn to speak Canadian. ["She shouldn't find it too hard." -- Wing Chun] Lana asks what's going on. "They turned against me," Clark says. "Who?" Lana asks. You know...like, everybody. Lana says that whatever Clark's parents and Chloe did, it can't be that bad. They totally flamed him on a message board. Unforgivable! Clark mumbles, "She's coming. She's coming. Chloe's coming." Wait. Chloe got to the dorms in Metropolis almost as fast as Clark did? Yeah, except no. "I'll come back to you, I'll find you," Clark promises. Lana pulls out her phone to call Clark's parents.

Then Lana, rooted to the spot, sees Chloe coming to the door. She's not sure what to do. Chloe asks if Clark is there. It's a tiny dorm room; can't you just look around? "Why?" Lana asks, backing away. Chloe asks whether Clark touched the silver rock. Lana doesn't answer. "He's been here, hasn't he?" Chloe asks. Well, he did have about three hours on you, Chloe. Chloe gives Lana the stare-eyes, which totally breaks her down in under three seconds. "He told me not to trust you," Lana snitches. Chloe explains to Lana that Captain Paranoid might be freaking out because of the silver rock. Lana thinks, "Silver? Is that anything like pink?" Lana remembers that Clark pricked his finger on the rock. Chloe tells her that Clark's been infected. Get tested, Lana! Chloe asks if Lana knows where he went. Chloe offers to call the Kents and go look around campus. Lana wants to come with Chloe. "No!" Chloe says, pushing a hand out. Chloe stumbles a bit, telling Lana just to wait there for Clark and calm him down if he shows up. She thinks Lana is the only person Clark will listen to. And that's a sad state of affairs. Lana pulls out a box from her shelf and examines the silver rock. That's totally not pink at all. She puts the rock back in and closes the box.

Central Kansas State. Clark wanders past some students into the lecture hall where Professor SoFine has just finished his lecture, "Lex Luthor is a very, very bad man!" SoFine says he wondered if Clark had forgotten about him. Fresh! He asks if Clark is all right. Clark, sweaty, says he's not. He tells SoFine that Chloe and his parents are in on it. Also? CBS News. Clark asks whether SoFine got any information about the truck from campus security. He reminds SoFine about their earlier conversation. "Clark. I haven't seen you in over a week," SoFine says. Clark is looking pretty awful. "I had a class, but you weren't in it," SoFine says dismissively. SoFine, who keeps finding variations on touching Clark's shoulder, says that he's got a faculty meeting, but will excuse himself if Clark will wait in his office. "Whatever's happening, we're in this together," SoFine says. Clark hears children laughing and playing. "What is this?" Clark asks. He hears the voice of Lex, which seems a little less out of place in his delusions. Lex is saying that the investigation into Clark's life is yielding some surprising revelations. Lex's voice, which is coming from a very bright white light, says that Clark is an alien and an intruder from another galaxy. Lex says that he's the first vanguard of an invasion. "No!" Clark yells, trying to find the source of the voice, "that's not what I am!" Lex is saying he knows how to stop this "strange visitor from another planet." We see Lex in the frame of what looks like a Dave McKean painting. Clark turns and there's Lex again, having been reflected in a dirty mirror. Lex, in a purple shirt and black suit, says, "I'm the one that's gonna kill you, Clark." From a large pipe overhead, a blast of Kryptonite glass sprays on Clark, choking him. Clark falls to his knees, but then manages to get up and take a door off its hinges.

Lair of Lex. Lana storms right into Lex's office. Ah yes. No front door. She tells Lex that she should have known he'd pull something like this. Like...what? "You can't stand to see us together, can you?" Lana asks Lex, who's sitting calmly at his desk. And wearing a purple shirt. Lex says, "I think this is the part where I usually say, 'Lana, what are you talking about?'" Good of them to recognize such a frequent trope of the show. Lana says that, somehow, Lex knew what would happen when he sent her the silver rock. She sets it on his desk, to his Treo. Suddenly, the Treo starts being paranoid about spam and spyware. Lex picks up the rock. He swears it's the first time he's seen one like that. Lana says she doesn't have time for any more of Lex's lieth. Also? She hasn't got time for the pain. "What did that do to Clark?" she asks. He got stoned. Huh huh. Lex says that he just shared the most important secret in the world with Lana; why would he lie to her right after? To split her off from Clark so that she and Lex can work on the ship project alone? "If you didn't send this to me, then who did?" Lana asks. Lex says he doesn't know. He asks what happened to Clark. Lana explains about the paranoia. Lex tells Lana that they'll take the rock to LuthorCorp and get Lex's best people working on a cure. Your best people can't even open a space hatch. They're going to look at the rock and ask, "Silver? Is that anything like taupe?" Lex promises to find a way to help Clark. Lana softens. "Thank you," she tells Lex. "You're my partner now," he says. Ya dig, dawg? You my boo. Lana apologizes for not trusting Lex. Aw, don't sweat it, it happens every single week. Lana remembers that Lex has always been there for her.

We cut to another view -- Clark spying on Lex and Lana through a window as they get closer. Hello, voyeur theater! Clark sees Lex run his hand up Lana's arm and lean in to kiss her. They smooch as the fireplace blazes in the background. Clark, with his constant sweat, can't be thrilled about this. Lana really enjoyed that kiss. She smiles and hugs Lex. Clark grits his teeth. Lana sees him through the window and, in slow motion, she stares at him coldly. Damn, this is just like that "Walking In The Rain" song, only without the walking and without the rain.

Lair of Lex, later. Lex is on the phone demanding that someone call him every thirty minutes with updates. CNN Headline News is like, "Can't you just turn on your TV?" Lex says that his security team (ha!) is coordinating with Chloe and the Kents to find Clark. Lana hopes that they don't hurt Clark. Lex says that, if that happens, somebody's getting transferred to Siberia. See ya, Bo! Lex suggests that they get the rock to LuthorCorp to start getting that cure going. As they walk, the lights in Luthor mansion start to flicker, and then go off. It's always little things like the electric bill that fall through the cracks when you're this rich. Lex hands Lana the rock and tells her to stay there while he goes and looks around. Yes, leave Lana alone in the dark with the invaluable space rock. Nice one.

Lex wanders down his hallways as creepy music plays. He finds one of his "security people" (hee hee) lying in the hallway. The dude is splayed out with a gun to him. Lex checks for a pulse, but it's unclear whether the guy is dead or not. Let's assume he's not so that Clark's not a murderer who is never brought to justice. Again. Lex takes the gun, and then walks toward a flickering light. He sees a bunch of sparks shooting from some exposed electrical panels from behind a wall. Yeah, I think you're going to need a contractor for that. Give us two, three months. Our guy's good. He's bonded. Clark suddenly appears to the electrical mess. Ta da! Dinner and a light show! "A lot of people are looking for you," Lex says, making sure not to raise the gun. Clark knows. Lex takes small careful steps forward as he tells Clark that something is wrong with him. "Yeah," Clark says roughly, "it's been a revelation." Lex says that Clark is sick, and that they should get him to the lab. "We should get to the lab," says Clark, with his ragged face looking haunted, "so you can experiment on me." Clark says that it all makes sense. He thought Lex was obsessed with him, but it's really all about Lana. Dude, we could have told you that since Season 1. It's always been all about Lana. Welcome to reality, Clark. You're going to fucking hate it here. Lex starts stepping back as Clark moves toward him. Clark accuses Lex of doing everything he's done to Clark just to get him out of the way so that he could have Lana to himself. "Listen to what you're saying, Clark," says Lex. "This isn't you." But he doesn't exactly deny it. Clark also thinks that Lex tricked Lana into believing she's in love with him. He says he won't let Lex get away with it. Lex finally pulls up the gun. "I'm gonna need you to stop," he says. Lex says he doesn't want to hurt Clark. Not in the bad way, at least. Clark looks down at the gun like it's just a little annoyance, and grins. In one motion, Clark -- seemingly without using his superpowers -- pushes Lex's hand away, swings him against the wall, and holds him there as the gun goes off in Lex's hand. Lex screams. "But I want to hurt you," Clark says. The rough stuff! Gayest Look of the Episode. Clark flings Lex aside. Lex slides across the floor and hits a table and wall. Congratulations, Lex! You win a prize for your hundredth concussion! It's a chunk of ice and some first-grade-reading-level books.

Lana, in the Lair of Lex, hears the commotion and tries to run away. Clark pushes through the double-doors (again, not using his powers, but just looking sweaty and pissed) and yells for Lana. He uses his hearing to pick up on Lana whimpering. He superzips, following her into the basement and calls again. "Lana! I wanna talk," Clark says drunkenly. His puffy eyes make him look a bit Dave Grohl. "We were meant to be together!" Clark calls out. Clark uses his x-ray vision to see a teeny-tiny skeleton trying to be invisible. The skeleton is holding the silver rock. Fairly nice effect: the skeleton morphs into Lana's frightened face as Clark finds her. Clark smiles and it's hella creepy. Clark tries to reassure Lana that everything is fine and that he's stopped Lex. But who'll...who'll stop you? You monster! Lana asks if Clark hurt Lex. Oops, wrong question. Clark gets defensive and asks why she cares about Lex so much. He picks her up roughly. Lana tells Clark that whatever he thinks he saw, it was just part of a delusion. Clark says he saw them kissing. "No, I would never do that!" Lana says, shaking her head. Clark, holding Lana, tells her to stop lying. He goes for the choke hold. I guess it really is a Kryptonian thing, huh? He holds her up by the neck, which I can't imagine wouldn't snap Lana's head right off. Clark tells Lana that he loved her more than anything else, but that she still betrayed him. Dude, go find Al and Miles and choke them! Lana gasps.

"Clark!" someone yells. It's Marsters! Er, "SoFine"! And he's pissed! But he reins it in and simply says, "You don't want to do that." I know we've all fantasized about it, but dammit, he's right. Clark drops Lana. "Trust me," SoFine says. Clark, in tears, says he can't trust anyone anymore. Trust me, Clark. I'll tell you when you're being a Big, Dumb Asshat. Clark tries to zip to SoFine, but SoFine is zip-enabled, too. He superzips across the room, to Clark's surprise. Holy bejeezus! Clark, looking more haggard by the second, asks if SoFine is one of Lex's experiments. SoFine says he's not. He's a friend, and if Clark hurts Lana, it'll destroy him. Clark thinks about that for a minute. No, he doesn't! He swings and cracks SoFine right across the jaw, launching him thirty feet across the room. So much for empathy. SoFine crashes into a table more expensive than his teaching salary. He gets up in some sort of CGI slow motion and fire-eyejaculates at Clark. My goodness! The eyejaculate gets Clark right in the chest, which I guess is kink, and throws him back. SoFine is right there, zipping over to straddle Clark and hold him down. Clark asks, "What the hell are you?" SoFine says he's a Kryptonian, just like Clark. But shorter and skinnier. He got the shit end of the Kryptonian gene pool. And he never leaves home without the Kryptonian Express Card. It looks like a big-ass needle plunger, though. "And I'm sorry," SoFine says as he plunges this ugly gadget right into Clark's neck. "This is really gonna hurt," SoFine adds. Clark screams as the thing screeches. A red light on the bulbous tip goes off (and no, this scene cannot be any gayer, so stop asking). In it is a floating splinter. Not beads or Astroglide? SoFine tells "Kal-El" that he'll be all right. "Lana?" we hear someone call out. It's Lex. SoFine zips out of the scene before he can be seen. And of course Lex has no surveillance cameras like every other billionaire does. "Lana," Clark says, sadly.

Lex and some "security" personnel head downstairs. Clark is carrying an unconscious Lana. Lex calls Clark's name. Clark looks at Lex sadly. "What have you done?" Lex asks. Lex looks pretty upset, too.

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Smallville Medical Center. You know, I was starting to miss this place. In Bizarro World...world...world! Chloe is by Lana's bedside. Wow, how'd they explain this one to the police? Chloe tells Clark hi. Awkward. Chloe remembers that she needs caffeine. She goes to get a cup. Not of coffee. Of caffeine. Clark starts to say he's sorry for beating the shit out of her, but she stops him to tell him it's all right. Choke her anytime! Lana says that Chloe explained everything. "She did?" Clark asks in surprise. Lana says she knows a silver meteor infected Clark and made him paranoid. Whew. Sweet relief of ages! Lana goes on to say that she knows the fake story about how it temporarily gave Clark powers. Clark kneels by the bed. He tells Lana he'd never hurt her. She says she knows that. They hold hands. Lana tells Clark that, whatever he saw, it was just his tripped-out brain; there could never, ever be anything between her and Lex. Except Clark, if he swings that way, and I think he does. Clark smiles goofily. He says he was imagining some crazy stuff: Chloe turning against him, his dad dealing with Papa Luthor, Lana and Lex talking about a spaceship. Lana doesn't confirm or deny that part. She changes the subject to tell Clark she's glad he's all right. Weird '80s-teen-movie music is playing through this whole scene, and loudly. It smells like Moby in here. Wanna normalize those sound levels, guys?

Hospital hallway. Chloe is there waiting for Clark as he exits Lana's room. Not her patient room. The room that they save for her because she's there every other week. Clark thanks Chloe for covering for him. She jokes that, for once in her life, she was glad not to be the object of Clark's desire. Clark starts to wonder what would have happened if he'd killed Lana. I think Al and Miles would turn around and kill him off themselves. Then the show would be called Lexville and we'd all be like, "Hells yeah!" Chloe sums it all up eloquently: "Silver Kryptonite. Who knew?" Clark says he doesn't want it to happen again. He asks if Chloe got the silver rock. Chloe says she asked Lex about it, and he said it was lost in all the excitement. Chloe doubts that story, and reminds Clark that Lex denied sending the rock in the first place. Clark reiterates for the umpteenth time that he doesn't really trust Lex, and this time it's got nothing to do with the paranoia. "He is a Luthor," Chloe says. Chloe tells Clark that she has to come clean about something: the emails from Papa Luthor were real. She tells Clark she's talking to him, but not about Clark. Papa Luthor is feeding her information about Lex's campaign. "Why would he do that?" Clark asks. Chloe speculates that Papa knows Lex better than anyone, and that the thought of his son in office may scare the hell out of him. Eh, too simple. Add some gravitas and some ulterior motive and maybe I'll believe it. Chloe reiterates that she'd never tell Papa Luthor or anyone else Clark's secret. "I'd die before I'd ever betray you," she adds, with heavy emphasis. You bastards! You're killing Chloe! You motherfucking bastards! Nooooo! (This concludes the angry rant portion of the recap.) Clark looks at Chloe lovingly. So, so dead. He hugs her. Nice knowing ya. Can I have all the spy gear from your trunk when they kill you off?

Lair of Lex. Papa Luthor walks up to Lex, who's sitting by the fireplace. Man, do you hear that? This music is loud! Can they even hear each other? Lex is bruised and sad. "Hmm, those Kents, they pack quite a punch, don't they, son?" Papa asks cheerily. He suggests avoiding press conferences. Papa suggests that a front-page story saying Lex was beat up by a jealous young lover won't help his bid for office. So many jokes...not enough space! Can't! Process! It all! I can't figure out if Papa is alluding to an actual story or saying a story might run in the future. Lex takes umbrage and suggests he doesn't need political advice. Papa counters that, the last time he checked, Lana had a boyfriend and wasn't in the market for a spare. Ouch! That stops Lex cold. He tells Papa to leave. Papa Luthor sagely says that this campaign isn't about power or serving the greater good: it's about Lex's need to change the way people perceive him. Papa says that even if Lex is president, it won't make any difference; those closest to Lex will always know what's in his heart. Lex takes a drink of his liquor, but it goes down just as sourly as what he's hearing. "That's why Lana Lang will never love you, son," Papa Luthor concludes simply. Lex is completely stupefied. Papa lets himself out. Goddamn, that was cold. That's why he's a magnificent bastard, I guess.

Kent kitchen. Clark tells the folks he's still trying to figure out what was real and what wasn't. Bo says that sending Clark out to a lab for testing wasn't real. Clark apologizes for tearing their shit up. He says that, no matter whom he trusts, he'll still have to worry about having his secret come out. Bo says that's the reason he's decided not to run for office against Lex. Clark looks disappointed. He says he won't let fear control his life or ruin Bo's. He wants Bo to run. "It's the right thing to do," he adds. He says that if anything happens, they'll deal with it together, as a family. Homespun music plays. Loudly. Bo puts his hand on Clark's shoulder. Thanks for permission, son.

The Barnness of Kryptonconferencing. SoFine is waiting for Clark in the loft. SoFine asks "Kal-El" how he's feeling. "So I didn't imagine that part," Clark guesses. Clark says he thought he was the last son of Krypton, but "you people keep popping up." It's like relatives when you're rich, yo. Mo' money, mo' problems, Kal. SoFine chuckles. He says that a superior civilization is hard to eradicate. Clark asks why he's there. SoFine says it's to help stop what's coming. Uh...what is coming? SoFine is also there to help Clark walk the path of the True Kryptonian. For one thing, stop fucking lying all the time. Clark says he's not interested in being "superior." SoFine asks Clark why he trusts humans more than his own people. Clark says that he's going by what he's seen. SoFine suggests looking closer. Clark asks why SoFine posed as his professor. SoFine asks why Clark keeps his secret, even from the woman he loves. SoFine says he had to observe Clark to see how influenced he'd been by "these...humans." Clark says that SoFine says it like it's a bad thing. SoFine says that's what he's seen. He says that humans show promise, but that they're still duplicitous. Clark says that they can be petty and dishonest, but also honest and loyal and protective. Even to someone from another planet. So it's a wash, then? "Kal-El," SoFine tries to reason. "My name is Clark," says Clark. And he's no Earl. Clark lectures that he'll always believe in his friends and family. SoFine hopes that trust isn't misplaced. He tells Clark that he knows where to find SoFine when he's ready to accept the truth. The righteous truth! Clark, looking up at the sky, sees clusters of stars.

SoFine's at the spaceship hangar. He holds up the silver Kryptonite. It seems to merge with his hand and fall into his flesh. He drops it, and it's just a plain black rock. Well, that's a neat trick, then.

week: dramatic consequences.