Titty

S05E06

By Omar G

Aw, little Clark Kent is growing up! He went to his first strip club, encountered his first set of boobs (remember, Lana's don't count), and even scored a lapdance from the girl who's already living in his house. Sweet maturity! But, I get ahead of myself. Chloe and Lois, hanging out in the basement of The Daily Planet, get a call from a panicked woman seeking a reporter's help. They go, but the woman in the red dress is run over right in front of them. They find out that the girl worked at a strip club and might have been murdered by human traffickers. Before you can say, "Let's stomp Joey in the ratings!," Lois has donned a star-spangled stripper outfit and clear heels to investigate. Oh, Al and Miles. How far down the story ideas list was this episode when you hired Durance? #1? #2? While that's going on, Bo Duke's old buddy (a rapidly decomposing Tom Wopat) comes to visit. He's a state senator who fell in love with the murdered stripper, who was actually killed by a diplomat's son who totally borrows "diplomatic immunity!" from that Lethal Weapon movie. Senator Wopat may not have killed the stripper, but he's married and running against Lex Luthor, who suddenly has ambitions to be a politician, so, dude's gonna lose. Lex and Clark clash over Wopat, who was one of Clark's childhood heroes, but in the end Lex turns out to be pretty noble about the whole thing, not spilling dirt of the senator's shenanigans to the press. Nevertheless, the senator drops out of the race when he realizes he's just a hollow shell of a former TV star...er, I mean "politician," and urges Bo to run against Lex. Chloe gets her first tiny reporter's byline in The Daily Planet, Clark scores his first hetero-wood, and we get about five thousand Dukes Of Hazzard references. I'm sure some other things happened in this episode, but, you know...boobies.

It took us nearly a hundred episodes to get here, but finally, we have arrived. It's the obligatory "Titty Bar Episode" that we all knew, deep down, would someday arrive if we were only patient and waited out Clark's growth from dumb adolescent to only slightly less-dumb adult. We kind of knew it even more after they hired Erica Durance.

"The Titty Bar Episode" begins not at a titty bar, but at The Daily Planet. Sly move, that, Al and Miles. An orange version of a spinning Planet logo appears on a computer screen. We back away and pan to a ringing phone -- one of those multi-line jobs. Dude, my newspaper still has us using huge beige phones from, like, 1961. If you want to make a call, you have to talk to Madge first and make her connect one cable to another on a big switchboard. If you want to forward a call, you have to have your pterodactyl carry a granite punch card to Madge in his mouth. And then he'll say, "Eh, it's a living!" Chloe, sitting in the newsroom basement in a light-deficient part of the building, answers as the voice of the newspaper's "InfoLine." Isn't an InfoLine usually an automated service? The caller is asking about obits. "Oh, dog obituaries," Chloe says. She tells the caller, with genuine sympathy, that the Planet doesn't really run those. That's ruff. Chloe says bye to the caller. "Die! Die!" says the ever-tactful Lois Lane, who's at another computer nearby zapping aliens or some damn thing. Chloe apologizes. They had a girls' night out planned, but instead, Chloe got called in to take care of "all the news that's not fit to print." Lois, holding an off-white PlayStation controller, is playing a game I can't identify; it look like Wipeout at first, but when it's shown again, it looks like a third-person action game. So...sorry I can't figure it out. Lois snarks that seeing a real reporter in action beats hanging out at the Kent farm. She hands the controller over to Chloe. Chloe says that now that she's swimming in butter, she wants to know what Lois really wants. Mmmm, Chloe scampi.... Lois says she's collecting brownie points because she needs help moving out of the Kents' place. Chloe surmises that Lois went ahead and took the apartment at The Talon now that Lana's moved out. Well played, Wing. ["And I've never even seen the show!" -- Wing Chun] Chloe asks how Lois will ever live without Clark. "One word: 'blissfully,'" says Lois. Lois wonders aloud how Chloe ever had a crush on "Richie Cunningham." Hey, Lois? Sit on it. Lois offers pizza. Chloe says that they're family, so Lois doesn't have to "Tom Sawyer" her to get Chloe's help with the move.

Daily Planet building. The police officer Maggie Sawyer (formerly Ladycop) -- whom we last saw quite a while back -- is interrogating Lois and Chloe about the hit-and-run. She chides Chloe for having pretty much no helpful information, and says she's off to a great start as an investigative reporter. "If you remember anything else," she says sarcastically, "let me know." Sawyer walks away until Lois calls out that she guesses the police will just file this under the rug. Sawyer licks her lip and lectures Lois about the girl who died; she had no job they could discern, and the girl was in a bad part of town. She says it's not a mystery what happened down there. Lois asks if it doesn't seem weird to Sawyer that an "alleged streetwalker" was wearing $500 Jimmy Choo shoes. Lois recognizes Jimmy Choo shoes? It does seem strange that Lois is the one asking all the questions here, and not Chloe. Chloe steps forward and tells Sawyer that the woman died trying to tell a reporter her story. Unfortunately, she got Chloe. She says she's not hardened, and that this girl meant more to her than a statistic. Chloe says that they have to find out who did this. Sawyer sympathizes, but says that most of the streets in the line of questioning end up being dead ends: "I will do my job. You do yours." Yes, Chloe, make sure you let people know that dog obits don't run in the paper.

After Sawyer leaves, Lois rolls her eyes and scoffs, calling Sawyer "Officer Stalin." Chloe says she tracked down the phone number the girl called from; it was the pay phone near the murder. But Chloe says she can't find anything but a bunch of warehouses nearby. On the computer map program she's using, Chloe finds a list of nearby businesses. There's Tranh's Auto Body, E&H Hitch Shop Ltd. and the Windgate Club. "I'm guessing she didn't get all glammed up to count inventory," Lois says. Chloe gets an intent look on her face and picks up the phone.

Kent Home. Luke Duke, in an unkind extreme close-up, is telling the story of the time Bo Duke outran four cop cars and pissed off half the chicken farmers in Chickasaw County. Bo says it's only because Luke said he knew a shortcut. Clark, completely enamored, says he never gets to hear the other sides of these stories, and asks if Luke's got any more. He says they'll come in handy time Bo wants to give Clark a lecture. There's a knock at the door. Bo tells Luke not to say anything else until he gets back.

At the door is Maggie Sawyer, who's a long way from Metropolis. She flashes a badge that's in the anvilicious shape of the Superman crest. Luke looks worried as the police officer walks in. She greets Luke and tells him that campaign headquarters said she could find him here. Sawyer says that a young woman was killed in the warehouse district, and that they searched her apartment and found a photo of what looks like a stripper sitting on Luke's lap. It's the stripper who was run over the night before. Oopsie! In the photo, she's playfully pulling on his tie. At least he's got clothes on. Sawyer says that she doesn't have enough to bring in Senator Luke for questioning, but that she'd like an explanation. A senator went to a strip club? Holy cow! How is this evidence? "I've never seen her before," Luke says. Dude, she's on your lap! Just tell them you laid a few $20s on her for some dances and move on with your life. Clark looks at Luke curiously. "That must have been tricky while she was cuddled up on your lap," Sawyer says. Bo and Luke both give her annoyed looks. Sawyer says, stupidly, that pictures don't lie. Bo -- the voice of reason, and with actual reason on his side for once -- says that, in this day and age, they most certainly do. "This picture's a fake," Bo declares. Luke says it doesn't matter: "The minute this hits the press, the damage is done. He adds that this could ruin Luke. Sawyer smiles a bit at that. Bo thinks the dirty political tricks have already started. Clark scoffs and asks Bo if he really thinks Lex would go this far. Bo says that Clark knows Lex better than anyone. Carnally. Biblically. Intestinally. Bo is sure Lex wouldn't enter the race unless he knew he could win. Clark can't really argue with that.

Stately Luthor Manor at night. Clark finds Lex in a hallway and asks, "Is it true, Lex?" Security! Oh, right, there isn't any. Lex is toweling himself off about the face like he just got done performing on stage with James Brown. Lex snipes that since Clark's been MIA for several weeks, he doesn't think a "hello" is too much to ask for. Yeah, you big, dumb alien. Clark asks how long Lex has been planning to run for Senator. Lex, without pausing to ask how Clark knows that, says he's planned it for several months now. He tells Clark that if he expected Lex to confide that in him, he might want to rethink the barriers he's placed on their friendship. Boy, they really had a bad breakup, huh? I bet Lex drives past Clark's house at night, recording messages in a tape recorder about how the rain is like a baptism and how everything reminds him of Clark. Ooh, lookit the cow. It's dumb like Clark. Look that that tree. It's stumpy, like Clark's...well, that's not important now. It's over. Lex opens up a blu botol and drinks of it. Mmm, that's good non-sports drink.

Clark shows Lex the photo of the senator and his lap partner. They let Clark keep that evidence? Lex gulps and takes the picture. "I can't believe you'd destroy someone," says Clark in his best soap-opera actor voice, "just to win a race." It's not just a race, Clark, it's the Tour de France! Wait, what are we talking about, again? Lex gives Clark a sharp look and says that there's a reason they call it a race and "not a political pot luck." He scoffs about having had anything to do with the photo. Clark tells Lex that the girl was killed just before Lex was to announce his candidacy, and says it's a bit of a coincidence. Clark asks if Lex is sure he doesn't recognize the picture. Lex says that the only thing he recognizes is the booth: it's in the Windgate Gentleman's Club in Metropolis. He's left many a stain there. Lex says it's not a very smart stop for an incumbent on the campaign trail. "Incumbent" sounds pretty painful. Clark is sure that someone -- maybe not Lex, bus someone -- is setting up the senator; he thinks maybe it's someone at the club. Are you done accusing Lex, then? Because that's getting tiresome. Lex tells Clark that the club is underground because the police turn a blind eye to the things that go on there. He asks if Clark is sure he wants to get involved with this. Strippers? Danger? Metropolis? Why the hell not? Clark says that Luke is like an uncle to him: "And in case you've forgotten, that's what friends do for each other." Yeah, Clark, you've been such an awesome friend to Lex that this remark's gotta hurt. Assmunch. Lex bends down to get something. He hands Clark a card and tells him he'll need more than a driver's license to get through the front door. The card has a gray graphic of a lady and a "W" in the corner. "Do me a favor: stay out of trouble," Lex says. How about a "thanks," Clark? No? Not this time? You da man, I guess. Clark leaves without saying another word. Able to leap over past friendships in a single bound! Faster than a needed apology! More powerful than people who find it necessary to be polite! He's Superman. And he's an asshole.

Grindy music plays as we pan across some tall Metropolis buildings at night. We cut to an alley, where Lois and Chloe, each wearing a black dress for a night on the town, are walking. Chloe says that even Mapquest has its limitations. Looking for the club, Chloe wonders aloud if you have to go through a manhole to get through this club. Lois spots a big neon door with an Armani-suited attendant. Yeah, that's probably it. The doorway to the club looks like a big metal portal with steam coming out. "Hi!" Chloe and Lois say enthusiastically to the doorman. "Sorry, girls," says the tall man with the goatee. Chloe lies that their friends are already in there, and that she promised Lois she'd take her to the hottest spot in town: "Pleeeease?" The bouncer says that it's a private club, so this is as much of the club as they're going to see. They both pout needlessly, and then walk away. Walking back the way they came, Chloe notices something she didn't see on the way here: two girls -- one in an angel outfit with wings, the other in a cop uniform -- are smoking and chatting to a door of the same building. Chloe and Lois exchange a look, and then follow.

Boobs ahoy! Women giggle and adjust the cleavage at the top of their overflowing corsets as Chloe and Lois (and I) stare wide-eyed at the scene. It's strippers, by golly. God bless 'em. These are TV strippers, though, so they all look pretty with perfect bodies and no visible track-marks, huge tattoos, or angry attitudes. They're WB strippers, basically. Wow, that just gave me an awesome idea for a new show. Chloe says that this makes her Halloween Heidi Dirndl costume look tame. (I thought she dressed as Britney Spears.) As women in bunny ears and top hats walk by, Lois asks if Chloe thinks this is where the murdered woman worked. Chloe says that Jimmy Choos are a long way from angel wings and fishnets. Oh, like a stripper couldn't afford Jimmy Choos. Especially at a higher-end club. She could have made enough to buy them in one night. Chloe approaches two strippers to ask them about the girl; one is in black leather and holding a riding crop. The other is in a checkerboard country-girl outfit. The two girls walk away without answering. Chloe spots a door that reads "Private -- no access," which is usually the best place to start snooping. Chloe goes to investigate, and Lois follows.

Inside, it's a pretty drab-looking office. Chloe says that people may not talk, but records will. Ooh, can we listen to some Mike & the Mechanics? Chloe opens up a file cabinet and starts poring. Lois follows suit. Three guys enter the office, and Lois and Chloe quickly shut the file cabinets in fear. "Are you ladies lost?" asks the smallest of the three, the guy in the nicest suit. Lois starts to lie about something, but Chloe blurts, "Oh don't be shy! She's here to dance!" Chloe pushes Lois forward. Ooh, way to sell out your cousin, Chloe. Guess you won't be helping her move when she's dead. The guy in the suit asks if this is the replacement Rocco sent over. "Yes!" Chloe says. "He really hated to see her go." Lois is trying really hard to keep smiling. "Take your clothes off," says Chief Strip Guy. "Let's see what ya got." Scars, beautiful scars! And no shame issues! Chloe and Lois exchange "oh shit" looks. Lois faux-laughs, and we go to commercials. Insert your own dirty scene here, wanky fanboys.

Commercials. The movie version of Rent. It's no longer a question of whether Rosario Dawson will do damage; the question now is how bad that damage will be.

Bo is washing his hands in the sink. You know, he's been trying for years, but pious just doesn't wash off. Lex, at the door, knocks and enters pretty much in one motion, which I imagine would get him shot if Bo didn't have his hands occupied. "I knocked. I guess you didn't hear," Lex says, referring to an earlier knock that happened during the commercials. Bo says he heard Lex all right. He just thought he'd stand here at the sink by the window so that Lex could see Bo's intense snubbing. Lex says he wants to see Luke. Bo says that if Lex wants to sling mud, he should do it at his own house. But Lex's stuff is so much nicer. The smart thing to do to is sling mud at this modest home. Lex says that he's not holding his breath for Bo's vote. Bo scoffs, loudly. He says he's never liked Lex much, but even he's surprised by the depths to which Lex will sink. I wish Lex had a machine to stop time so he could just go around and smack everyone. "And I'm sure you have such a good view of it all from your pull-pit," Lex says. You sure you want to go with that pronunciation, Lex? You are? All right, then.

Bo drinks deeply from his Bovine University mug. Lex says that holier-than-thou is an easy position to fall back on. It keeps you from examining those around you. Bo grouses that he's known Luke Duke for twenty-five years and never had a more loyal or trustworthy friend. That's only because the cows don't live that long. Bo speechifies that the state needs someone who does what's right and stands up for America and drives an SUV with lots of yellow ribbons on it that read, "Support the troops!" Lex looks away as if burned by holy water. Bo steps forward and says that the state needs people willing to go up against people like Lex. Lex takes his own steps forward and tells Bo that if he knows his friend so well, maybe he should ask his "good old boy" about this. Lex takes out some folded pieces of paper and throws them on the kitchen table. Ask him about the great paper scandal! The raping of trees! The pressing of cheap sheets! It's bigger than Watergate! Bo picks up the papers. Lex says that he decided to do his own investigation after Clark's visit. It's Luke's phone records, with multiple calls to Metropolis highlighted. He's been calling Paula Abdul! Oh, wait, it's the dead stripper's phone number. Whoa. This could be bigger than the recent paper scandal! Bo pees his pants a little. Lex turns to walk away. Bo asks when Lex is releasing this. "I'm not," says Lex, hovering at the door, "but if I found it, you know the press won't be far behind." I remember a time when it was exciting to hear Lex say the word "behind." Lex says he's offering the senator a heads-up. Lex cocks his head a bit after he and Bo stare each other down, and then exits for real. Close-up of the phone statement. The Metropolis area code is up in the 785. But it's entirely possible that Luke Duke has hos in different area codes.

At the bar built for the purposes of seeing the titties, Lois is changing behind a scrim that's only there to show a silhouette of her changing. She puts on what appears to be two distinct G-strings. Two G-strings? That's like...an N-string! She whines that she'll never ask Chloe for another favor again. Chloe says Lois isn't doing this for her. Do it for the dead stripper! Surely she had a heart of gold. Or some semi-precious metal. Chloe -- who's just lounging around instead of helping with Lois's outfit -- says that they need to find the truth. Lois says that the last person who found out the truth ended up a hood ornament. Well, she already had the headlights for it. A blonde girl trying to rock the Jessica Alba Sin City cowgirl look walks past Chloe. "Howdy," Chloe says. Chloe pretends to confide that her friend, Lois, is excited about working at the club, but that she thinks it's dangerous. "Especially after that girl was killed and everything," Chloe adds, not very slyly. The cowgirl's expression changes from glazed to annoyed. "How can I explain this to you?" Seems like there was a rough cut made here in her lines. "Don't talk to me. Don't talk to any of us." She leaves in a huff, which is not easy to do when your ass is hanging out of chaps. Lois appears, but we only see her from behind and from her shoulders up. "Well?" she asks. "What do you think?" Chloe, beaming, says, "All I can say is...God bless America!"

There's some hos in this house! There's some hos in this house! Hip-hop music plays as a blonde swings around a pole. A waitress in Fosse-wear walks by, as does a nurse. One girl way in the back is wearing what appears to be a giant furry toilet bowl around her neck. Now that's just dirty. Clark walks in, wearing a suit. I'd be lying if I said it didn't flatter him. Welcome to adulthood, Clark. Clark notices the stripper on stage taking off her top. His eyes widen. No, don't eyejaculate now, Clark! You'll fry her! Clark averts his eyes. "Oh, Lord, please forgive me, for I am about to sport Superwood," Clark thinks. The club manager from earlier spots Clark and comes over to greet him. The guy asks if this is Clark's first time. No, he's sported Superwood before. Clark whips out his club card and says that Lex referred him. Wait a minute, this is a Sam's Club card! No, you can't buy bulk toilet paper here! Clark is asked if Lex will be joining him this evening. In another time, they might have met in the bathroom. I'm very surprised there's no anvil here where Clark would say, "No, I'm flying solo tonight." Instead, Clark says that he's meeting the senator. The manager says he'll show Clark to the senator's usual table. Ooh, busted. Clark looks heartbroken. His Uncle Luke likes breasts. What a disappointment.

The dancer on stage -- who, for some reason, put her top back on in the middle of the dance -- does the splits. The janitor in the back thinks, "Oh, great, like my mop's not dirty enough." Lois watches from backstage. She mumbles something to herself, and then turns around, loudly saying, "On second thought..." Chloe is right there to grab her and say, "No, no, no -- thinking bad, dancing good." Isn't there another way, Chloe? Wait, this is the Al and Miles show. I forgot what I was asking. Chloe says that Lois can ask "Mr. Shoot First, Ask Questions Later," a big black guy standing behind her. He doesn't look at all menacing, so I'm not sure what Chloe is saying here. Lois smiles at the guy. Chloe tells Lois she has to dig deep down and find her inner Demi Moore. Wow, what an amazingly current pop culture reference. Not the Pussycat Dolls? Not Aguilera or Carmen Electra? No, we're going to go with the movie reference of a film that was made when Chloe would have still been in diapers. We're Smallville and that's how we roll. Lois and Chloe take a deep breath together. Lois tells Chloe to use this distraction time to get some good information. Chloe looks around sneakily, and goes to work while Lois prepares to go on stage.

Clark is led to his itty-bitty table. He sits heavily. A waitress in a white nurse outfit asks "Handsome" what she can get for him. Is a Cleveland Steamer on the menu? No? Clark hesitates. "I'll have a Coke," he decides. With...Crown? Rum? The blood of an Irishman? "Straight up, on the rocks," Clark manages. Smooth, yet chunky, Clark. The waitress nods, like, "I won't be fucking him tonight," and walks away. Clark adjusts his tie, which, unlike his science, is too tight.

On stage, the "stripper" still has all her clothes on, but gets applause anyway. The announcer tells the audience that they've got a girl making her debut at the club. He asks the crowd to welcome the All-American girl, Amber Waves. Indeed, American flag graphics appear on the curtain. Lois is in silhouette, wearing a little sailor hat. She emerges wearing huge red boots, a white sailor top, and a little blue skirt. She's also wearing aviator sunglasses. She salutes, awkwardly. She marches in place, and it's not so much sexy as it is completely bumming out my reproductive system. She starts to take off her top like she's going to cry. Her bikini top is one half stars, one half red and white stripes, and two halves saline implant. She takes off her skirt, revealing red and blue shiny hotpants. The song playing is "Don't Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls, who couldn't be here tonight because...well, Lois has got it covered, doesn't she? Lois dances robotically and takes off her hat and sunglasses. She pops her head up and looks just like Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. Yikes! Put it all back on! Please! Clark suddenly recognizes her. Lois starts to get into the song a bit more as she sees bored men staring at her. She grabs the pole and rears back, and suddenly it's like she never left the strip-club circuit. She humps the pole, spins around, twirls. The guys in the club have all of a sudden never seen a greater stripper in their entire lives. She's...she's...incompetent, yet do-able! Clark looks very embarrassed for her. Lois notices Clark. She stops dancing for a second as Clark looks completely bewildered. Lois, sweaty now, still ain't dancing. Her dance ends before it really begins. "I'd salute to that anytime," says the DJ. Wait, she's still got her top on? What kind of G-rated bullshit club is this? Wow, I'm sure glad we heeded Lex's warning about the dark things that go on here. Non-topless topless dancing. Scandalous!

Lois leaves the stage and is followed by "Dixie," the cowgirl from backstage. Lois walks up behind Clark's chair and says, through clenched teeth, "What are you doing here?!" Clark asks her the same question. Tuition, Clark, what do you think? The club manager notices the two of them talking. Lois smiles at Clark, and then bends over toward him. He sees approaching boobs and ducks his head back. Lois explains that she and Chloe are following a murder story. Clark says he is, too, but thinks he'll stick to his method. Looking constipated in the back of a club without using any of your superpowers? Great plan, pantswad. The club employees are still eyeing Lois, so she climbs into Clark's lap. He looks very annoyed. Lois grabs his face and tells him that she's going to get fired if he keeps looking at her like she's Jabba the Hut. More like Jabba the Slut. Huh huh. Clark asks what she wants him to do. She asks for $20. Clark's eyes widen as he stares right into the gigantic orbs before him. It's beautiful in there...we all float...come join us, Clark! Clark finds a folded up $20 bill in his pocket, but doesn't know where to put it. "Uhhh," he says. Lois rolls her eyes, grabs the bill and stuffs it into her boob pocket. Somehow, it turns into a $50 on the way there. Inflation! Worst lapdance ever! Clark breathes heavily as Lois gets off of him.

Clark uses his superhearing (finally) to overhear some Germanic guy talk about how hot Lois is. The club manager tells the guy that she's new, and that for 500k, he won't ask any questions. $500,000!? Dude, you could probably buy Lois for a case of Schlitz and a dime bag. The problem with high rollers is that they never take the time to hunt for bargains. Clark gets up to go confront Der Vite Slavery Guy, but just as he stands, all the lights in the club go bright. "Everybody freeze!" someone yells. It's the Metropolis PD. Maggie Sawyer is up at the front, telling everyone to calm down. Everybody scrambles. Pimps, grab ya hos! Hos, grab your...boobs! Run! Maggie announces that they've had reports of underage people serving and being served in the club.

Backstage, Lois grabs her purse. German Dude grabs her hand and tells her to come with him. "You vant to get arrested?" he asks. Nobody vants that. Lois is like, "Yeah, sure, cool, guy I don't know!" It's that kind of street-smarts that'll get her, what, killed someday? Can we hope?

Back in the club, we pan across stripper clothes strewn across an empty stage. The clothes smell like perfume from Foley's and broken dreams. Maggie grabs Clark's arms and handcuffs him as she tells him this is the wrong time and definitely the wrong place: he's under arrest. She pushes him over to stand with the rest of the luckless saps.

Commercials. What does it say about us, as a country, that Saw II is the #1 movie in the country? You know what? Don't tell me. I don't want to know.

Maggie is now leading the club manager through the club in handcuffs. He asks what this is about. Maggie tells him they got an anonymous tip that a vehicle involved in a hit-and-run left the club the night before. She tells him that the cops aren't going to keep looking the other way anymore, even though the club's clients can pull lots of strings. Maggie says they've got a dead nineteen-year-old on their hands and that she's going to go by the book. The cop book, I hope. Maggie -- who's got a bad case of the red-rash neck -- tells the arrested folks that she knows it's 5 in the morning (really?), and that she appreciates their cooperation. All the dudes are led away as the strippers and Chloe come down some stairs at the same time. Pssst, nursie! ["Call me" phone hand gesture.] Chloe and Clark see each other. He asks where Lois went. Chloe asks what Clark is doing there. And, they've missed each other.

Clark eavesdrops from across the room as Maggie talks to one of the bouncers. He offers to help, and says he wants to cut a deal. He tells Maggie that the senator had nothing to do with the murder: Luke was drunk and the bouncer took him home. Clark nods to himself, satisfied.

Backstage, Chloe is trying on the comely angel's wings. Foreshadowing? She says that they're heavier than they look. "They're way better than the heels, trust me," says the stripper angel. You know, every time a middle-aged man cashes his paycheck to use at the club, a stripper angel gets her wings. Chloe sits down right in front of Cowgirl and asks again if they were all close to the murdered girl. Geez, Chloe. Cowgirl starts to get up again, but Chloe stops her, apologizing for the "premature segue." The strippers don't know what that is, but they're not happy with the way Chloe changed the subject like that. Chloe says they're on the same side, and that she just wants to know what happened. "It's a tragedy is what it is," says Dixie Cowgirl. She tells Chloe that the girl finally got her chance, and Prince Charming, then, WHAM! No more ivory tower. Prince Charming frequents the strip club? Chloe asks if she means the senator. "No way," another stripper says. "The only thing he did wrong was fall for her." I see they all took acting classes as correspondence courses. Dixie Cowgirl says that some Euro-looking dude always takes a girl out of the club every few months, and she's never to be seen again. She goes to a pretty ranch to graze in paradise! Wholesome Leather Girl from earlier cracks her whip and says, "You know why they invented fairy tales?" For money? She says it's because nobody wants to face reality. She says that the girls disappear and no one ever sees them again. Doesn't that happen with strippers anyway? "Somebody should have warned your friend about that," says the 7th Heaven Dominatrix. "Lois?" Chloe asks. The girl saw Lois leave with Eurotrash during the raid.

"Sullivan?" Maggie asks, coming backstage. She calls Chloe over to go.

In the club, Maggie is leading Clark and Chloe away. Maggie tells them they owe thanks to Lex for some very generous phone calls. Will they thank him? Hell to the naw. Chloe tells Maggie that she thinks Eurotrash may have Lois. Clark backs that up, saying he overheard Euro and the club manager making a deal before the raid. Maggie asks if they have a name. Then she sighs in frustration. She asks if it's true that Chloe's underaged cousin was making deals with wealthy men and escaped a police raid. "It's not like that," Clark says. No, it's pretty much exactly like that. Chloe says that Lois was helping her investigate. "'Investigate'?" Maggie says, looking like Chloe just called her "Cuntbag." She angrily says that Lex helped Clark and Chloe out this time, but that it "WILL NOT happen again!" She yells at them to go play Nancy Drew and Hardy Boy in somebody else's precinct. Do you have a phone number? Any sort of referral? No? Uh...we'll just be going, then.

Kent Farm. Unless the mailbox is a liar. Shriveled Luke is on his cell phone, telling someone that if he's not going to change his political positions to satisfy polls, he's sure not going to do it just because a journalist heard a rumor. Luke hangs up just in time to see his own blue car swerving onto the scene. Holy hot-roddin', Bo! Luke shakes his head: "You just could not resist, could you?" Bo says that Luke has a nasty habit of leaving his keys in the ignition. "Get in," Bo says. Luke runs around the car and says it wouldn't be the first time he put his life in Bo's hands. He climbs up and slides in through the window. Bo gives him a funny look. "What?" Luke says. "The damn thing's been stuck since I bought it." Er...all right. We'll let you coast on that door handle joke. Bo starts the car and reverses quickly. Why don't they look? He speeds off. Where's MamaKent during all these shenanigans?

Woooooohooooo! The blue Generally is flying through the air in slow motion in a Dukes homage that is just...absolutely...uh...something. Let's freeze. It was right about this time that old Omar's hands were starting to get a little crampy from typing all day, so he got up and got himself a beer. Now, the little missus wanted to watch Desperate Housewives, so old Omar pulled it up on his TiVo and they watched that for a while. It was plumb all right. Then Omar got a hankerin' to start recappin' again, so he went and did that. Now, back to our show. Bo drives not very defensively as the car skids this way and that along the back roads. "Try that with a 4-cylinder!" says Luke, excitedly. Luke asks what the real reason is for this little joyride. "When were you going to tell me about the girl?" Bo asks. Oh. That. Can't we go do some donuts instead? Countrified incidental music plays a little too loudly through the rest of the scene. Luke asks if Bo thinks Luke had something to do with what happened. Bo has no idea. But he'd like some straight answers. Give it to him straight, Luke. Don't be fagging it up in here. Luke bullshits that he didn't want Bo to get involved. That's why you're hiding out in his house? Bo's just mad that he was lied to. "Well, what do you want me to say?" Luke fires back. "That my marriage is more of a business arrangement? That the only thing that makes me happy is some dancer half my age?" Wow. That's a good start. Luke asks how much of that Bo would understand. Mister, he'll tell you things about cows that'll straighten your curlies. Bo says that they've all had their lives move in unexpected directions. Luke asks if Bo ever had a lie that got out of hand. He thinks that Bo's just never been caught at it. Bo, pissed, skids the car into a 180, and then stops. Bo says he's never been a position where people look up to him. You got that right. Bo tells Luke he's Clark's hero. Luke whines that it must mean he can't have faults. Jackass. Luke claims that there are no more heroes because people envy them and are just waiting for them to screw up. Yeah, blame the public, Joe G-String. Bo asks what Luke's going to do. Luke asks, "What do you want me to do?" Get Bo backstage at the strip club? Luke says he's a good senator, and asks if Bo wants to give that kind of power to Lex. Bo says that at least with Lex, he knows who the guy is. Bo peels out. Point taken.

Overhead shot of Metropolis. Eurotrash and his bodyguard are leading Lois into a posh but very small apartment. "Nice place ya got," Lois says, now wearing a black coat over her stripperwear. She thanks Eurotrash for his help. "My pleasure," he coos as he takes off her coat. "I think I have something a leetle more your size," he says, pointing at her chest. In Soviet Russia, boobs stare at you! He opens a closet, revealing several identical red dresses just like the one the dead babe wore. "I von't peek," Eurotrash tells Lois. Yeah, leave a little to the imagination. She is a stripper, after all. As he leaves, Lois puts the dress back on the rack and digs into the closet. She finds a shoebox with a Polaroid of the dead stripper on it. Oh, yeah, evidence. Our bad. We totally forgot to get rid of that when we killed her. Silly us! Lois opens the shoebox. It contains a cell phone, purse, and other personal effects. My personal effect is the star wipe. "You vant me to help you tie it?" Vlad the Eurotrash asks. Lois says in her least sexy voice that she's almost got it. She throws a red dress over her glittery stripper gear and turns just in time to get her Polaroid taken. Eurotrash comes closer and takes another picture. Lois pretends not to know what's up. "It looks...so much bettor on you than ze others," he tells Lois as he adjusts her shoulder strap. He says that she's going to make them jealous. In Hell. Lois turns and says, "You know, I think I'm going to call a cab." At least give the man his dress back, dumb-ass. Eurotrash follows and grabs her roughly. Yeah, that would be no. "Think off your taxi days as a think of ze past," he tells her. He says she has a new life ahead of her. Ever wanted to work for Nike? Lois says, "I don't know what kind of kink you're into but..." Then she whacks him in the face. She spins, and punches and then kicks him, sending him flying through a cheaply made artsy Jenga partition. Lois starts kicking him over and over, forgetting that there's a bodyguard in the room. The bodyguard stuns Lois with an easy stun gun to the midsection. Well done, bodyguard. That's why we pay you. Dark music crescendos.

Commercials. Pizza Hut thanks you, America, for eating the way you do. You're big, but you're beautiful.

The animated Daily Planet exterior. Cartoony! Inside, Chloe and Clark are striding through the newsroom like they own the place. Chloe asks whether Clark thinks the strip club is selling women to the highest bidder. "It's Kansas. It's definitely not Smallville," Clark says. Neither were lesbian vampires, but I digress. Chloe says that $500k for a massage with benefits seems like a lot. Dude, that's a fucklot. These girls had better be digging diamonds in South Africa. Clark says that he overheard someone telling Sawyer that Eurotrash is the son of a foreign diplomat. Chloe says that he'll have diplomatic plates, then. The son of the diplomat would? All right, if you're so sure. Chloe says that while Clark was in da club, not sippin' Bacardi, Chloe was in the parking lot taking photos of all the license plates. She pulls up the photos on her computer. "Check that one," Clark says, pointing. It reads "Consul." Chloe tracks it to the U.N. Tower in Metropolis. Clark whooshes out of there without drawing the notice of a room full of journalists. Nice. This time, Chloe doesn't even blink when Clark disappears.

U.N. Tower. Lois is being dragged across a helipad by Eurotrash and his bodyguard. The helicopter waits.

Clark bursts into the apartment. "Lois!" he calls. He sees where there was a fight earlier, and finds a Polaroid of Lois lying on the floor. She's smiling much more in the photo than she was when it was taken. Oh, man, more evidence! Wow, we criminal masterminds really need to get better about leaving our shit just lying around. Wait a minute...Maybe it is not us, the criminals, who are lazy. Maybe it...the writers? Wow, that totally gets us off the hook!

Chloe answers the phone in the newsroom. "He's got Lois," Clark tells her. He asks if Chloe has any psychic guesses as to their computer password. She's Chloe, Clark, not Miss Cleo. Chloe says that they probably have tons of security on the computer, so Clark shouldn't bother. Clark says that the computer's still warm, and that the printer's still on. Chloe tells Clark to try pressing "Print" again. Clark does. It's a fake passport that wouldn't fool anyone. For one thing, the ink's all faded. Clark asks if Chloe thinks they're going to smuggle Lois out of the country. Ya think? Chloe doesn't think they'll try going through an airport. Chloe presses her computer's mouse button and reveals that there's a helipad on the roof. Go, Clark, go! Instead, he just looks very slowly up at the ceiling.

Rooftop. The chopper is taking off. Clark zips in and grabs a yellow cord that's just lying around. He jumps up and hooks the cord to the helicopter's landing rails. Then he pulls, pulls like the wind! The pilot yells that they're stuck on something. He struggles with the controls. Just then, Lois wakes up. As Clark plays tug-of-war with the helicopter, Lois elbows the thugs and manages to overpower Eurotrash just by straddling him. The helicopter has landed with Clark grabbing it. He opens the door. "Hey, 007. Nice of you to show up," Lois says. She smacks Eurotrash one more time for good measure. Clark asks if that means "thank you." Lois shoots him a dirty look.

Outside the copter, the pilot and bodyguard are completely forgotten as Lois, Clark, and Eurotrash look at the hook that caught the helicopter. "Guess it got caught," Clark lies. The cops show up, just in time, plus five minutes. Lois tells Sawyer that they were gonna take her to the honeymoon suite of the "Grope-a-Cabana." Oh, man. It's no fun when the bad pun is on the other side of the screen. "I'm glad you're all right," Sawyer lies. She asks them to release Eurotrash: he's free to go. "What?" asks Clark. Eurotrash smiles. "Diplomatic immunity," he says smugly. Haven't you stoopeed Americans ever seen Lethal Weapon? Sawyer explains that he can't be tried for any crimes committed on American soil. "Even murder," she says. "I'm sorry, I can't touch him," Sawyer concludes. "Well I can," Lois says, and punches him in the gut. The bodyguard comes to help Eurotrash get into the helicopter. Lois smiles as if this fixes everything. Sawyer lectures Lois and Clark about justice and how if they don't like how Metropolis works, they should stay closer to home. Thanks, impotent officer of the law. Eurotrash blows Lois a lewd kiss.

Stately Luthor Manor. Three dudes are showing Lex a campaign poster. It's just an extreme close-up of Lex's face that reads, "Looking to the future." Only he's really not. He's looking at you. And unless your name is "The Future," it really doesn't work. Lex tells his crew that he'll finish this later. They bring down the poster and Clark, in a red t-shirt, is standing in the doorway. Security! Damn. I don't even know why I bother. Clark says, "I just wanna say thank you." But he won't. Lex says that when he asked Clark not to get in trouble, that meant not getting arrested for being underage in a strip club using Lex's ID when Lex is in the middle of a campaign. You shitty, shitty friend. "I didn't mean to drag you into this," Clark lies. Lex calls Clark on his bullshit and says that Clark was accusing him of masterminding everything before he walked through the door the first time. "I didn't think he was lying to me," Clark says softly, and with the puppy eyes. Aw, baby, don't be like that. Let's kiss and make up. Gayest Look of the Episode. "But you assumed that I would," Lex says. Clark sidesteps that one and says he can't believe the senator lied. It's...why, it's un-American! Lex gives Clark a look that is also The Sexy. Lex asks if Clark remembers the story of King David. "Humor me," he says, as he sits. "Slew the lion. Saved his people," Clark remembers. Then he made lion cole slew. Lex says that King David saw a beautiful woman bathing and fell madly in love. Unfortunately, she was filming a commercial for Herbal Essences shampoo and he misunderstood her enthusiasm. Lex says that she turned out to be his best friend's wife. "You know what our great hero did?" Lex asks. He sent his best friend into battle so that he could have the woman to himself. Cold! Brooding music plays. "Kinda leave that part out, don't they?" Clark says. Lex looks at Clark heavily. He says that we all need to believe in heroes, but that even the best ones are far from perfect. Some are even dumb. And wear flannel.

Commercials. Am I really supposed to believe that Gatorade is tested in a lab with the intensity of the Manhattan Project? Haven't they figured out by now what it is, scientifically, that Gatorade does?

The Barnness of Epilogueitude. More countrified incidental music. Luke is throwing darts. Clark walks in. He says he was surprised to see Luke's car out front. Luke says he's been mulling some tough decisions. He says that this seemed like a good place to get his bearings. And some cowshit on his shoes. Clark asks if Luke's talked to Bo. Luke says that Bo did most of the talking, and that he has a knack for a guilt trip. Clark smiles. "Usually works because he's right," he tells Luke. Luke says that Bo's always had high expectations of the people around him. He says that Bo is the one man Luke never wanted to disappoint. As for the ladies? Suck it. No respect for you. "You should try being his son," Clark suggests. Luke thinks about it, but decides that won't work. Clark says that no matter how much Bo lays on, he never expects more than he expects of himself. Tragic, really. Luke asks if Bo will ever forgive him. Clark says that Bo's had lots of trial runs with Clark in that area. He adds that lots of people out there also look up to their senator. Luke says, "I guess you can only pull off the disguise of being superhuman for so long." Clark's mood darkens. He asks what Luke is going to do. Luke tells Clark he's pulling out of the race. Bummer.

Looking into a mirror inside the Kent home, Luke is adjusting a tie to go with his suit. Bo, coming down the stairs, says it takes a lot of guts to face all those reporters. Luke says it's easy after facing Bo. Bo doesn't want to let all this destroy their friendship. Bo hopes it's not because he can't climb off his pulpit. Bo just wants Luke to be honest. Luke says he's no longer the best man for the job. Bo offers to fight alongside him. Luke says he used to be the man who could fight the Luthors of the world, but that's no longer him. He says he sees somebody who'd do it better. Bo thinks he's talking about Lex Luthor. No, dumb-ass. He's talking about you! Bo is dumbstruck. He gulps. Funky music does the country version of "wonk, wonk, wonk."

Kent home, again. Lois climbs down the stairs carrying a box of stuff. She tells Clark that his personal space is about to be reinstated. Lois explains that she's taking the apartment at The Talon. She makes sure Clark doesn't have a key to the place. She thought he did because he and Lana were "foin' it." She snickers. Clark says he doesn't. Lois says she wouldn't want any surprise midnight visits. Clark asks if he can make this move go any faster. He snarks about her loofah and her collection of Whitesnake albums. Lois hands him a box of junk and tells him to get moving.

Talon apartment. Lois has her junk every damn place. "This is weird," Clark mutters. "I spent so much time up here with Lana." Even when Lana's not in the last scene of the show, she usually ends up in the last scene of the show. "Clark," says Lois. "It's not like I'm taking her place. Just her sublet." Chloe walks in and asks them to indulge her for a moment. She shows them a newspaper with her first (non-column) Daily Planet byline. Clark hunts for it on the front page. She tells him it's on page 73. At the bottom. The headline reads, "Diplomat's son arrested by Interpol in Europe." Isn't "In Europe" redundant? And wouldn't that story have been written by, I dunno, someone in Europe? Lois and Clark both congratulate Chloe. Chloe thanks the two of them for their help. Apparently she's not doing obit duty anymore. Clark, reading from the story, says that Interpol got an anonymous tip on Eurotrash. He eyes Chloe closely. She rolls her own eyes and tells them to get back to the heavy lifting. So, so unethical. Lois stops Clark to tell him to shut his mouth and listen up. He does. She says that even though she was kicking butt on the helicopter, it was nice to have backup. Backup fromVeronica Mars? Lois says that Clark doesn't have to come after her, but that he always does. She thanks him. "You're a really good friend," she says. Clark smiles. Lois adds, "About the lapdance..." She says that if Clark tells anyone about that, his Elmer Fudd nightlight will make a very public appearance. Clark looks afraid. "Aye aye," Clark says, walking off, "...sailor." Lois scoffs, but happily.