For The Love Of Ratings

S05E05

By Omar G

Chloe, doing her best Veronica Mars narration, tells us the story of her disastrous internship interview with The Daily Planet's Pauline Kahn (a very sharp Carrie Fisher), who rubs Chloe's old high-school column in her face and dismisses her before telling her the only thing that'll get her attention is Chloe finding her a story. Cue the vampires! No, really. Lana, who has decided to go to Metropolis U., figured that the only way she can get affordable housing near campus is to join a sorority. That's Lana logic for you. Anyway, the sorority is full of lesbionic vampires who, like, kiss each other and stuff! Rock! Lana is given the bloody kiss, and soon she's copping attitude with Clark, dancing with strange boys, and regenerating when she breaks her back. Now Lana not only has a spine -- she can regrow it! Chloe and Clark, of course, bust up the party, but not before Chloe is once bitten by Lana. Clark takes Chloe to the hospital and discovers, through Professor SoFine, that the vampire symptoms are linked to a LuthorCorp research project involving vampire bats. Lex has a cure and shares it with Clark, but not before the Kryptonite-tainted wonder drug weakens Clark enough that he's bitten by Lana and taken back to the LesboLair. But Lana's high-school love prevails, and even though she got a taste of Clark's powers, she just thinks it means he's a good boyfriend. Everyone's happy, Lana and Chloe are cured, and Chloe has a story to get her that internship at The Planet. Lex, meanwhile, tussles with Professor SoFine on a verbal level. But when Lex sends a henchman to follow SoFine, they end up at the lab containing the spaceship. SoFine does a T-1000 and creates a metal pike from one of his fingers that stabs the guy. So, if you're thinking about disagreeing with the professor in class, I'd just keep that hand down.

We begin at The Daily Planet, if the heavily CGIed spinning globe atop the building bearing its name is to be trusted. Whoa! It's Carrie Fisher all of a sudden. She sits behind a desk with Tina Fey glasses and very poofy lips, but all is forgiven as soon as she opens them because she delivers some very crisp, fantastic line readings which is more than I can say for a few of the regulars around here. She tells the person across from her that normally she wouldn't waste time on a college freshman groveling for an internship. Chloe, dressed up very nicely in a business suit and across from "Ms. Kahn" (soon to be "Kaaaahhhhnn!"), thanks her. Kahn immediately calls for "Bitterman," one of her lackeys and, I'm assuming after seeing the rest of this scene, a bitter man. The young man enters and is asked where his piece on Senator Jennings is. He stutters that he's typing it up. "I don't see your fingers moving," Kahn tells him curtly. Yeah, because you just called him in, lady. She tells him he's got twenty minutes or they'll be twiddling over the want ads. Bitterman goes off to the extras snack table. Kahn asks where she was. "The internship," Chloe reminds her. "Oh, right right right -- you didn't get it," Kahn tells her. Chloe is surprised, and asks why she's there. Kahn says it was out of curiosity. She reminds Chloe of her deep, dark secret: she had a high-school column in the Planet that Papa Luthor helped her score. Kahn says it's quite an accomplishment to have a byline when you're "practically still in diapers." Dammit. I didn't get mine until after I was toilet-trained. Always a step behind. Kahn says that most "real reporters" struggle for years before getting that chance. Chloe, sensing something's amiss, says, "Thanks." Kahn tricked Chloe. She tells Chloe not to thank her -- she should thank Papa Luthor for arm-twisting the old chief editor into dropping Chloe's "juvenile pabulum" into the paper. Ouch. Chloe defends herself (or tries to) by saying she didn't ask Papa Luthor to do that. Kahn says she didn't turn it down, either. Kahn says that Chloe must have pissed off Papa Luthor because he got her fired. "I remember that day," Kahn says, drinking what looks like Coke poured from a pitcher. "I believe we had cake." Cold-blooooooded! Chloe speechifies that she's not expecting to score a column and just wants a chance to work from the bottom without any help. Chloe says that being a part of this world (of the newspaper) has always been a dream for her. "Well, we all have to wake up sometime, don't we, Sullivan?" Kahn says smoothly. She reminds Chloe that they don't validate parking. She puts on her glasses to read something and ignore Chloe while our teen reporter looks heartbroken.

Chloe gets up to leave, and then spins to say that Kahn may be editor-in-chief now, but that she had to start somewhere. Chloe says she's not giving up until she gets the same chance. You've got spunk, kid. Carrie Fisher hates spunk. No, seriously, I think I read it in one of her books. Kahn slowly takes off her glasses and considers Chloe anew. Kahn says she started by being "a damn good reporter." She tells Chloe that if she wants a break, she should bring her a story. Sounds fair enough. For someone who just got out of high school, Chloe has some pretty amazing clips, and I'll tell you that newspaper editors look at that (and internship/job experience) before they consider anything else. Oh, and whether you're a minority. That's a factor, too. However, most big newspapers won't hire someone right out of college, much less high school, and certainly not without internship experience. Chloe's Planet internship, though, should help things along. Here's what I don't get. Chloe already had a summer internship with the paper, which, again, rarely happens with high-school students. Is she trying to get a fall internship, too? Those are pretty rare at metro papers and are usually just part-time or clerical given that those interns would be juggling classes as well. All I'm saying is that Kahn had a lot of reasons not to hire Chloe besides just being snide. And Chloe's best angle would have been her clips, not purporting to have moxie and dreams.

And here's where things get weird. The scene freezes on Chloe's face and fades to about 50% white. Chloe's voice comes in as a voice-over, and now the Veronica Mars mind-meld is complete. "Okay, let's stop for a second," Chloe says. In case we can't tell, she says, she's completely freaked out. Yeah, we could tell. We cut to Chloe, who's lying in what looks like a dorm room bed typing on her laptop with her hair pulled back. Did I say Veronica Mars? I meant Sex and the City. Chloe sells herself short by saying that Pauline Kahn has two Pulitzers and Chloe has a community service plaque. Chloe says she was looking for a big story and had no idea that, ten city blocks away, it was going to bite her in the ass. Kudos on saying "ass." Chloe says "in the neck" would be more accurate, but that we'll get to that. Chloe's laptop screen shows a file called "SORORITYhouse.jpg." She clicks on it, and it shows a gothic-looking mansion at night with a full moon overlooking the roof.

A typed title card reads, "TRI PSI SORORITY, METROPOLIS UNIVERSITY." Chloe snarks that she thinks it's Greek for "bimbos, bikinis, and beer." Playful pop music plays as we go from the photo file to the actual mansion. Cut to the front door, where a blond pizza delivery boy has brought the pie in twenty-eight minutes, he says, "Piping --" He looks up from the pizza box to see three sorority girls in bikinis (two blondes and a brunette, which is a good ratio in my book) thrusting our their chests and flashing their belly rings. The pizza boy does a funny "homina homina..." take, finishing his thought with a roughly exhaled "-- hot!" One of the spokesactresses twirls her hair and says they're "so starving." Pizza Guy's mouth is wide open. Blondie steps forward and suggests that they eat in the Jacuzzi. You'll get a cramp! From the syphilis!

The girls lead Pizza Guy inside and squeal as they hop. Mmm, bunnies. Very nice panoramic shot of the sorority house's rear panning down to the round Jacuzzi, which is decked out with dozens of candles around it. Everybody's giggling as the camera slowly lowers and turns. Nice shot, Smallville. Pizza Guy says he really should be getting back. Yeah, Mookie, where've you been all day? Taking a shower? Running ice all over Rosie Perez? Hanging with Radio Raheem? One of the girls asks if Pizza Guy can stay just for a little bit. As the other two girls nuzzle with him, he says he could maybe stay just for a minute, since that's about how long he'll last with three girls. Did he really think he was going to go back to work when he took off his clothes and jumped in the water? He asks about the pizza. He's a craftsman; respect the work. Blondie says he tastes much better than pepperoni. And there doesn't appear to be a spot of oil on him. The girl in front of him gives him a sultry look, purses her lips, and goes underwater. Look, I'm a simple man. A journalist. I don't know much about the ins and outs of the pizza delivery industry. But I'm quite confident in saying that no pizza chain operating in North America today offers a compensation package sufficient to keep a teenage employee from turning down a blowjob. Maybe that's what's wrong with the pizza industry. (Or what's so, so right.) Pizza Guy has a moment of "Whoa!," but it turns to "Accckkk!" almost as quickly. Girl's got an overbite, I guess. The girl to the right of Pizza Guy bares some nicely done fangs. So does the other girl. They both move in to bite him, and we see very dark blood splash against the box of "Pete's Pizza," which bears the face of a Mario Bros.-looking Italian stereotype and not our beloved Product Placement Pete, which would have fit even more nicely. I should point out that, in high school, I was in a production of Dracula playing Jonathan Harker and I had to perform a similar scene of lady vampires lying me down and going for the neck. It was grueling, but somehow I got through it. I was rooting for Pizza Guy here, obviously. More shots of carnage as Pizza Guy screams "No!" and flails. Back to the overhead shot as the water turns bloody. That's the thing about this show: they never linger too long on implications of a blowjob. Maybe that's how it got to Season 5 while Sex, Love and Secrets bit the dust. Opening credits.

I'm getting really sick of car commercials that look like they're set in a Harry Potter movie or a Björk video. Just show us the damn car -- don't pretend it's a transport to a mystical forest of Elvin magic. You're a Honda Civic, not the goddamned One Ring.

The Talon, daytime. The American flag is waving a bit. Inside, Lana is in her apartment, clearing things from her very nice teal-colored bookshelves. There's a knock at Lana's door, and we hear Clark, muffled, say, "Singing telegram!" from the other side. Lana opens the door and they kiss. Clark brought her a big cup of coffee, but he says he obviously came to surprise himself because, what the fuck, Lana? Clark regards all her stacked dishes and organized clutter. Lana says that this is packing. Lana's leaving for college. She says she got a late acceptance letter to Met U. And this is how Clark finds out? How often does she see him? This wasn't worth a phone call? Why won't my brain stop? Clark asks, fairly, why Lana didn't tell him she was applying. Yeah, what happened to "College ain't for me" Lana? What the fuck? Lana says she didn't want to get her hopes up since she applied too late. Lana is the girlfriend who just one day tells you she's moving to Milwaukee to join a band or that her grandmother has cancer and then you later find out she got pregnant cheating on you and is going to live with relatives who don't really give a shit. Not that that ever happened to me. Clark says that, with Lana's grades, they'd be crazy not to accept her. Yeah, and with all those extra-curriculars, like...uh...dropping cheerleading to work at a coffee place. I'm still not convinced Lana ever set foot in a classroom after sophomore year. Lana complains, without apologizing, that there aren't even any dorm rooms left, so she's not sure where she'll live. "Where're you gonna stay?" Clark mopes. Lana says she can't crash with Chloe, so she thinks she'll try a sorority; that's the only shot at housing near campus she's got. Oh, that's just such utter bullshit. Sororities, to my dumb male mind, are incredibly expensive and, seriously, that's your housing solution? Clark suggests that Lana go to Central Kansas University, which has lots of housing left. Lana, who looks like Clark just suggested a greasy pork sandwich served on a dirty ashtray, says that the school has Clark, and, you know, that's not good enough because the classes suck. But thanks. Lana says she's really interested in Astronomy. Clark is going to a school that doesn't offer an astronomy class? Wow, that's boneheaded. Lana says it won't be that bad. They'll talk to each other on the phone all the time. They can have phone sex. Just get some lessons from Kate Winslet. Lana promises nothing will change between them as soft music plays. Smiles all around. So who's going to live at The Talon? Why doesn't Clark move in? ["Or Lois, since she already freaking works there?" -- Wing Chun]

It came from Heathers. Two rows of hot girls are posing on a set of stairs while Queen Tart walks down between them announcing that theirs is the most exclusive and prestigious sorority at the university. She says they're the richest, the prettiest, and the best. What made Lana choose this sorority, again? Incidentally, Queen Tart is dressed in a pink dress. Oh. I get it now. Lana stands with some other girls, all of whom look like they'd be more comfortable there. They're all also about a foot taller. Queen Tart says that if they're very lucky and super-cool, they might just get in. She says that if that happens, it'll change their life...forever.

Freeze frame and voice-over from Chloe. She says, "Meet Buffy Saunders, president of the Tri Psi sorority." Chloe says that she changed the names to protect the vapid. Now, was this bit really necessary?

Central A&M Kansas college. Professor SoFine is lecturing about the final days of the Roman Empire. Dude, don't spoil Rome for me! He says that wealth and power were the only things the emperor coveted, and that the citizens just let their society turn into debauchery and the coliseum. Ooh, I can't wait for that episode. SoFine says that the Romans stood idly by while an evil man destroyed their world. SoFine says that each of his students may be faced with a similar situation in his or her life. So you should totally take down Soflavaflavius or Poopaclese or whatever tyrant wants to drag you to the coliseum. Unless they're feeding Paris Hilton to the lions. Then maybe you should just go along with it. SoFine asks whether his students will leave their footprints on the history of time, or just let them be washed away by the tide of more powerful men. Personally, I think I'm going to let Jesus carry me, so that there are no prints at all. Suckas. As SoFine speaks, Lex Luthor walks into the room behind him. SoFine notices Lex. Clark is suddenly interested. SoFine breaks the tension by asking Clark what he'll do. Clark looks around and stutters a non-answer. SoFine presses him, saying that LuthorCorp. privately owns Clark's hometown: "What if you found out that Lex Luthor, the emperor of the company, was a dangerous, unstable, megalomaniac bent on destroying your world?" Lex is not amused. "Would you have the courage to try to stop him?" SoFine asks. "I, uh," Clark begins, and then a buzzer sounds. Instead of waiting to hear an answer or to see what happens , the students gather their stuff and take off, which is just dumb. Suddenly bored, SoFine tells the students to read Chapter 3 for Monday because there'll be a quiz. Clark leaves the auditorium without saying hello to Lex.

Lex, mock clapping, approaches SoFine at his podium. He says that the lecture was interesting. SoFine says he hopes Lex was taking notes. Lex says he's being painted as "the poster child for corporate villainy." Lex says that some of the things SoFine is telling the students come dangerously close to libel. No, they don't Lex. They may come close to slander, that which is spoken, but unless SoFine is publishing his lectures in print (or online, I suppose), it ain't libel. "It's only libel if it isn't true," says SoFine. Well, that's not entirely accurate either, but we'll let that one slip. My Mass Comm professor used to love picking on me (maybe because I dressed like him for Halloween one year), and many of his in-class examples about libel would begin, "Say I publish a story implying that Gallaga has a loathsome disease..." SoFine says that everything in his lectures is supported by his research, adding that Lex is a fascinating subject. Oh, man. Are they gonna kiss? Lex chuckles and asks whether SoFine knows what fascinates Lex. Lex says that SoFine has been lecturing about LuthorCorp projects that aren't yet public knowledge. "I'm sorry, I never speculate," SoFine responds as he keeps packing his materials. SoFine once again touts his crazy mad research skills. Lex asks whether one of SoFine's research sources is Clark Kent; Lex knows that SoFine hired Clark as a research assistant. SoFine, standing in a two-shot behind Lex, asks, "Now, why would a man of your stature be so concerned with the comings and goings of a freshman farmboy?" Because the comings of Clark were Lex's chief hobby for a few years. Lex changes gears and says that he donates quite a lot of funding to the university. That allows him lots of access to the dean, and to the academic review board. "The buying of influence is part of my second semester," SoFine says. "If you have a second semester," Lex scoffs. SoFine blinks, taking it seriously but not really seeming too threatened. Lex leaves the room. SoFine smiles slightly. Titans of men!

Before the last scene ends, throbbing music begins to play, leading us to a sorority scene. Hey, Lex and SoFine are great and all, but these are sorority chicks! Try as I might, I can't turn off the receptive nerves in my brain that like lady pillow fights and mud wrestling. Just be glad there's no mud wrestling in this episode. The Tri Psis are all wearing white outfits as they size up the remaining pledges. There are only four left. It must be a few days later, because they're getting praised for being amazing during Rush Week. Queen Tart tells them that they were like little rough diamonds. However, she says, not all of them will make it. Queen Tart asks Carol, Bobbie, and Susan to step forward. She's got a great chirpy and annoying voice on her line deliveries. They're doing a much better job casting smaller parts these days. "The three of you were really great!" Tart squeals. Lana, wearing black, looks around uncomfortably. Queen Tart says that great isn't good enough; they have to be excellent all over. She bids them bye-bye. And "Toodles!" "Wait, wait a minute. You mean that I'm in?" Lana asks, pointing to herself. Yeah, what exactly was so excellent that got Lana in and not the others? Given what we know later, I'd say it was just general suckiness. One of the assistant tarts says, "Come on, Lana. You were amazing!" In Bizarro World...(world...world)! Maybe this is an elaborate Triumph the Insult Comic Dog joke leading to, "...for us to poop on!" I'll bet some internet lowlifes would pay to see that. Lana has no idea what to make of this, but thanks them anyway.

Queen Tart says that there is the small matter of an initiation thing they do. She rears her head back and hisses really loudly, baring her vampire fangs. So do the others. Lana comically freaks out and tries to back away, but she's surrounded. "What the hell are you?" Lana asks. Queen Tart says they're Tri Psi, the hottest vampires ever. Lestat you think otherwise. Queen Tart uses a nail to cut a line down her tongue, drawing blood. Her eyes go creepy. They hold open Lana's mouth as the other (admittedly hot) vampires show their fangs and laugh. Word is that Kreuk didn't want to do a lesbian kissing scene, which would explain why the camera moves to a silhouette on the wall of Queen Tart leaning forward and kissing Lana flush on the mouth. Lana stops struggling, and her shadow starts getting into it. Go, college experimentation! I sure hope Howard Stern got to see this. Lana looks sleepy, but then she smiles and tries to be sexy. "Welcome to the sisterhood," Queen Tart tells her. Don't leave the toilet seat up.

Commercials. If you, like me, feel like you didn't get to hear Eminem's "Lose Yourself" enough times when it was a big hit, then Apple's got a great ad just for you!

An extra-wide shot of Stately Luthor Manor. Lex is shooting some pool in his Lex Casual Wear. SoFine walks in and says, "Nice shot." He says it just as Lex is bending over, so make of that what you will. Lex says you've gotta know the angles. SoFine asks if that's why Lex has been looking into SoFine's past. The fact that he has a past doesn't seem to jibe with him forming from a pool of black alien oil just recently, but I'm not going to pretend to know what's going on. SoFine throws a file on Lex's pool table. "What's this?" Lex asks. SoFine says that it's his entire life, documented, to save Lex some time. The folder contains every achievement and failure all the way back to the day he was born is in there. Lex, staring at SoFine, asks, "And I'm supposed to just swallow all this?" Oh, sneak attack! It's the Gayest Look of the Episode! Lex seems to agree with my choice, because he tosses SoFine the pool cue to do what he wants with it. SoFine says that Lex wouldn't be the Great Lex Luthor if he did. Oh. Lex is a choker. SoFine says that Lex will spend a fortune checking and re-checking the information. He starts shooting pool and making every single shot, even the tricky ones. SoFine says that Lex believes everyone is hiding secrets as dark as Lex's own. Lex asks, "How did you get this?" The papers about his own life? "Just used my brain," says SoFine. SoFine must have slipped some stuff in there about Lex, because he says that the documents reveal that the younger Luthor is using funding to the university to conduct questionable experiments on campus. SoFine's voice runs all up and down in a weird accent as he says that. And to top it off? It's off the corporate books. Nooooo! Lex looks a little pissed at having been found out. SoFine finishes his last shot, sinking three balls at once. "I wonder what the Dean would think about that," he tells Lex. I'm sure he'd be very impressed with that shot, but I think you should stick to Lex's experiments, Professor. "Never start a game you can't win," SoFine advises. He gives Lex his stick back and exits. Lex tells his business-suited major domo to follow SoFine. "With pleasure, sir," the man says. Could you follow him with some menace instead? Lex leans against the table, bending forward, and thinks about his move.

Metropolis U. dorms. We pan across a mini version of the Wall of Weird, complete with stories about dangerous frogs and meteor attacks. Some chica with curly brown hair is taking stuff down off the walls. Chloe walks in and asks what the girl is doing. The girl says she's redecorating. Chloe complains that it's her side of the room. Mad Chica says that she has to look at it. She complains that she didn't get through four years of high-school misery to look at this freaky shit. Chloe tries to say something, and Chica stops her with a wagging finger. Must be because she's fiery. She tells Chloe that while they're on the subject of roommate etiquette, Chloe needs to take care of "Miss..." and something that sounds like "enfembria gata" over here. Let's pause. I know this is Spanish, but if she's trying to say "sick cat," it would be "gata enferma." Maybe this is some Puerto Rican dialect I don't get, but straight-up Spanish doesn't have an "enfembria" that I know of, and the closed caption only says, helpfully, "[Speaking Spanish]." Tambria? Fambria? Seriously, Chica, clean it up. The gata in question is Lana, who stumbles up from behind the bed into view, looking drunk. Angrily, Chica concludes, "This isn't the Betty Ford Clinic." Or the animal hospital. Lana falls on the bed. Chica exits the room in a blaze of Latina glory, never to return. Sadly. Chloe picks up a Wall of Weird clip about a two-headed monkey and says she's rather be roommates with one of those. Chloe opens up the curtains, getting sunlight all over Lana as Chloe tries to motivational-speech her awake.

Cut to Chloe in laptop/voice-over mode. She types that she can't believe she missed the signs despite her keen "weirdar." Chloe, frowning, says she defies anyone to tell the difference between a nascent vampire and a hung-over freshman girl.

Cut back to Chloe and Lana. Chloe asks whether Lana had class that morning. Lana mumbles. Chloe congratulates Lana for already being sorority material. Lana pulls a comforter over her head. Chloe laughs. Clark shows up, knocking on the door, which is ajar. He asks if Lana's there. "Yeah," says Chloe, smiling and running to the door, "what's left of her." Chloe suggests Clark try to breathe some life into Lana. She says she's going to the library to research ways to kill her roommate. Not the cleverest sendoff for Chloe, but whatever.

Clark sits at the bed and pulls back the comforter. Lana winces. Clark asks if Lana had a rough night. She says it's all a little fuzzy. She gets up and walks tiredly across the room. Clark asks if she got the messages he left for her. Lana sighs and says she hasn't checked her voicemail. "Sorry," she manages. Clark asks if she's all right. She tries to drink something, but makes a face as if it tastes awful. "I'm just...feeling a bit dead," she says. Lana smells something and turns. She's suddenly wide awake. She sniffs all the way to Clark's neck. "God," she giggles, "you smell amazing." She asks if that's a new aftershave. "No, it's just..." Clark begins, before going all aglaze as Lana starts kissing his neck. He says it's the usual. "Maybe we should try something unusual," she says. "Lana," Clark says. Then she pushes him roughly against a desk and tells him to shut up: "You talk too much." Lana fully has my support on this one. She starts to kiss him roughly as he tries to say her name and get her to back off. There's a word for this. "Cockthirsty." He asks what's going on with her. Lana says that they're not in high school anymore: "Things change. Live a little. I plan to." Clark says he can see that things have changed; as to living a little, he asks, "What does that mean?" It's awfully funny the way he says it. Lana says she means it like she said it: "If you're gonna be all needy and insecure maybe we need to re-evaluate this relationship." You all know I've had my issues with Lana in the past, but this version? Lana 666.0? Kind of rocks! The bit is silly. Lana slips on some dark sunglasses and walks away like she's in the community theater production of Grease. (We did that one in high school, too.)

LuthorCorp plant. A giant ad for Supernatural takes up a third of my screen. Jesus, Padalecki and Ackles, would you please get lost for just an hour? Thumping music plays as, inside the plant, SoFine is caressing the not-so-secret spaceship. Lex's security guy has a gun drawn on SoFine, and given the angle in which he appears, it's like SoFine had to walk right past the guy without noticing him for this to make sense. The guard tells SoFine not to put his hands on things that aren't his. SoFine turns and says, "Actually...it is mine." The camera pivots as we see the back of the guard. A metal spike suddenly pierces through his back. We continue turning to see that the spike is coming out of SoFine's finger in a not-so-subtle T2 reference. SoFine pulls back on the spike, and it disappears into his hand as the guard, bloody, falls. SoFine does a bit of a head tilt, and then turns to walk back toward the ship.

Chloe voice-over scene. Chloe says she Googled "vampire." Her image search shows what look like old encyclopedia photos of bats and old rituals. Chloe tells us stuff we already know about the bloodsuckers. Chloe the Omniscient says that Lana is about to find out about the immortality part the hard way. How was Chloe able to reconstruct all these scenes if Lana's memory is so fuzzy later on? ["She decided to get her job at the paper the Jayson Blair way?" -- Wing Chun]

Sorority. Lana and the girls, playing loud rock music, are downing shots upstairs. Where da boys at? Lana howl/giggles, and it's horrifying. "Looks like we picked a winner!" Queen Tart tells the group. Lana sultrily says that this is so much better than sitting around listening to her boyfriend whine about his feelings. Welcome to the fold, Lana. We didn't use to call him Supermope for nothing. Queen Tart says that they eat boyfriends for breakfast around here. Lana picks up another shot and toasts, "To breakfast!" only it sounds like she's saying, "To breakfriends!" They all drink. Lana stands, but she's woozy on her feet. She wonders if she should slow down. The girls gather around her as Queen Tart tells Lana she's not one of the normal people anymore: "We do things a little more exciting." "Like what?" Lana asks. "Like this!" Tart says, giving Lana a hard backhand and sending her flying over the stair railing. Lana falls down the stairs, tumbling, landing with her arm splayed behind her head and her eyes wide open. The girls upstairs giggle. We see a wide shot of Lana's body. It's pretty twisted up. The sorority girls come downstairs. Queen Tart sashays. "Oh my God, did you see her face?" one of them asks. They mock-scream. Lana's leg is twisted behind her. Lightning flashes. Lana twitches. Her wide eyes come to life. We hear bones snap into place as she gets her body back to normal. Lana gets up, slowly. She cracks her broken neck back into place. Queen Tart says, "Didn't we tell you? You get to live forever." Lightning flashes. Zoom in on Lana, baring her Kreukferatu teeth (now even better!). More lightning. "Cool," Lana says, smiling. That actually was pretty cool.

Commercials. So, Cingular? I'm thinking of switching over. Let's talk after the show.

If you're just joining us, here's some disjointed clips thrown together rapidly to give you an epileptic fit. You're welcome. The show logo has a moon behind it and some little fangs popping out in quick flashes.

Chloe's dorm. She's talking to Clark on the phone and telling him she doesn't know what's up with Lana. She says she went to visit, and one of the "pretty plastic people" told her Lana was asleep. It was 3 in the afternoon. Must be hard for these girls to get to class. Clark, at home, says he tried calling, but Lana won't pick up. He wonders if she needs a little space. In a coffin? Chloe says that maybe Lana needs deprogramming. She says she did some research and thinks there's more going on at the sorority house than pedicures and pillow fights. I would be perfectly fine if it were just the pillow fights. (Chloe's room is a bit of a mess, by the way.) Chloe starts to suggest that Clark get over there when there's a sudden whoosh of papers in the room and Clark has suddenly appeared. That's a three-hour trip. He can get there instantaneously now? "Hey," Clark says. Chloe is seriously startled. "What do you got?" Clark asks. "Besides a heart attack?" Chloe replies. Chloe tells Clark that, six years ago, the sorority was normal; then they got a new president. "Buffy Saunders," Clark says. Chloe says that, after that, they became the most exclusive sorority at Met U. So exclusive that someone with no money, no parents with connections, and a reputation as a failed cheerleader could get in. Chloe says that Tri Psi gets the most pledges of any sorority, but only takes in one person a year. And none of them ever leaves. Clark asks if that's why Lana's been acting weird. Chloe says there's only one way to find out. She hands Clark a flyer for the sorority's big Halloween bash. Of course! Stuff like this always works on TV! "Costume party?" Clark asks. Clark says he hates costumes.

A girl in a Playboy bunny outfit goes to answer the big doors of the sorority house. Homina homina homina..."Invitation?" she asks. Clark and Chloe are at the door. Chloe's wearing a Britney Spears schoolgirl outfit (from before she was a pregnant, Federline-lugging mess), and Clark is wearing a Zorro costume. Timely. And all too The Sexy. Chloe gives a long explanation about how she lost her invite while Bunny Girl gives Clark an up-and-down look and he smiles bashfully. Clark, I'm only going to tell you this once. Forget about Lana. There are plenty of other bunnies in the field. The bunny is moaning at Clark. Dude! "Carlos? Do you remember where I put it?" Chloe asks. Clark looks at Chloe in surprise and says he doesn't. Bunny Girl, who is heavily tanned, says she's not supposed to let people in without an invitation, but that she won't tell if they won't. "Carrrrrlos," she says, rolling her "R"s. Chloe looks disgusted. Clark smiles and just stands there while Bunny Girl bounces and poses. Chloe has to grab "Carlos" and drag him inside. Oh yeah, that Lana/Clark thing is surely going to survive college.

Inside, it's a white-people party. What's a Carlos gotta do to score some hip hop or reggaeton around here? Chloe explains that Carlos starts with a "C." She asks if the cape Clark is wearing isn't a bit much. "I kind of like it," Clark says. "It's not too bad." He complains about the mask, though, and says it keeps sliding around. Chloe spots Lana grind-dancing with some dude in an ugly black vest. Chloe distracts Clark before he can notice. It's not like he has super-vision or super-hearing or anything like that to help him find out for himself. She tells Clark to poke around upstairs while she searches on the first floor. Lana bares her teeth and is about to bite the guy's neck in front of everyone. "Lana!" Chloe calls, pulling her away before Lana can do that. The guy, in a cowboy hat, wonders what's going on. "Go play with your six-shooter," Chloe tells him. She says she and the kitty cat need to have a talk. Indeed, Lana is dressed as a black cat.

Clark is upstairs. He's flipping through someone's scrapbook and finds a newspaper clipping. The headline reads, "High-school senior survives bat attack in cave." It's a photo of a girl, though, not Bruce Wayne. And the girl is Queen Tart. Clark's superhearing lets him down again as he slams some drawers shut and is surprised by Queen Tart walking into the room. She's wearing a red latex devil's outfit and asks what Clark is doing there. He's not wearing his mask. He lies that he was looking for the bathroom. "Woohoo, hot tub!" some people yell as they run into the room. Dumb-asses. It's outside and in the back, not on the second floor. I don't live here and even I know that. Queen Tart turns back toward Clark, but he's gone in a whoosh. The camera zooms to a toy vampire bat hanging by the window. Oh, for clunk's sake.

Chloe pulls Lana aside and asks what's wrong with her. Lana says she's having fun, and that Chloe should try it sometime. I sort of agree, sadly. Chloe asks what would have happened if Clark had seen Lana with that guy. She reminds Lana that Clark cares about Lana more than anything. Lana steps away and angrily says that Chloe sure knows how to ruin a party. It's not easy having a good time. Even smiling makes Lana's face ache. And her friends turn on her! Chloe's behaving just the way Clark did. Do you think the producers made a mistake, sharing Lana's brain between her and Lois? Chloe insists that this isn't Lana. Isn't that what everyone's going to be telling Rory in week's Gilmore Girls? Chloe tells Lana that she wouldn't normally hurt Clark like this. Lana gets a bit emotional and apologizes to Chloe. But what she really apologizes for is what she's about to do. She walks fast to Chloe and bares her fangs, hissing. Chloe holds out a crucifix from around her neck. "Oh, sweetie," Lana says, trying to channel Kim Cattrall, "this isn't a movie." If it were, I would have been done recapping it five hours ago. Chloe screams as Lana goes for her neck. We freeze and go to a not-quite-white-out.

Chloe's dorm-room typing. Voice-over: "Note to self: Never confront a vampire when they're [sic] hungry. Even if they [sic] are your best friend." Lana is Chloe's best friend? I find that sad and distressing.

Back to the party. Clark isn't wearing the mask. They called it The Mask of Zorro for a reason, numbnuts. Clark's vestigial super-hearing suddenly kicks into gear as he picks up Chloe grunting in pain. She calls Clark's name. Clark arrives just in time to see Lana sucking the neck out of Chloe. "Lana?" Clark asks as she turns to him with blood on her teeth. Chloe falls into Clark's arms as Lana sneers and backs away. Lightning flashes as Lana backs up onto the balcony. We see tooth marks on Chloe's neck. When Clark looks again, Lana's disappeared. Again, it's not like he has powers where he could follow her or x-ray her location. Because it would be cool if he could.

Commercials. Oh, Eva Longoria. From quick stardom to shampoo commercials already? Be a little unpredictable, why don't you?

Hospital. It's not Smallville Medical Center, at least. Chloe's got a clear bandage on her neck, the better to see the two big puncture marks through. Do they really treat a wound like that by sticking a small Zip-Loc back over it? A doctor tells Clark that he doesn't know what to do. Comforting! He says he's tried a blood transfusion, but that nothing's helping. Maybe we should call Chloe's dad. No? Bad idea? All right. Forget I suggested it. Clark asks what's wrong with Chloe. The doctor says that Chloe's been infected with a rabies-like virus; it's attacking Chloe's red blood cells. Those are the red ones, right? Doc says it's keeping her RBCs from regenerating. Red blood cells regenerate? I'm totally gonna go get me a wound! The doctor suggests continuing transfusions and hoping Chloe will stabilize. The closed captioning reads, "Paging Dr. Bender. Dr. Bender." Clark tells an unconscious Chloe that she has to fight this.

"Is she all right?" asks Professor SoFine, who happens to be in the doorway. Clark asks what he's doing there. "Visiting a sick colleague," SoFine says. In Metropolis? On Halloween night? SoFine asks what happened. "She was...bitten," Clark says woodenly. "By what?" SoFine asks. Clark says he knows it sounds crazy, but he thinks it was by a vampire. That's it. You're fired! SoFine tilts his head forward. "Clark, there's no such thing as vampires," and it's as cheap as it sounds, since they wrote it just so James Marsters could say it. Clark explains about the bite and the rabies symptoms. "Rabies?" SoFine asks. He steps forward and grabs Chloe's medical chart, flipping through it. SoFine says that Clark might want to have a word with his "buddy, Lex Luthor." Why does everyone keep calling Lex Clark's buddy? SoFine suggests that Clark ask Lex about "Project 1138." Is that the one that Matt Damon and Ben Affleck helped produce? Clark asks how SoFine figured that out from Chloe's chart. SoFine says he recognizes it from his research into LuthorCorp. SoFine asks if Clark wants to play 20 Questions, or save Chloe's life. Mmm...20 Questions with James Marsters? I'm glad this one's not a question the fans get to decide. Clark leaves. I wait to see if SoFine is going to stab Chloe in the chest with a steel spike. He chooses not to...for now.

Lana at the party. As Playboy Bunny stands in the background cleaning (even vampires get shit jobs sometimes), Queen Tart makes a circle around Lana, telling her that you don't leave people alive and that Lana is so stupid. Stooopiiiiiiiid! You finish them off. Haven't you played Mortal Kombat? "Or turn them by making them drink your blood," Bunny offers helpfully. "Oh, that guy Carlos saw you." Lana says his name is Clark. "Oh, whatever!" Tart tells her. Tart says that Clark saw her feeding and was also sneaking around her room. She says that's two strikes, and that she's not waiting around for a third. Lana mutters that Clark is her boyfriend. Tart reminds Lana that she's going to live forevah now, and that Clark will get old and wrinkled and sag in places Lana doesn't want to see sag. This whole vampire thing would actually be a nifty solution to Lana's not aging while Clark stays young. "You're special, he's not. Deal," Tart concludes. Lana asks what they'll do to Clark. Tart tells Lana that this is her mess to clean up. They want her to bring Clark back to the house with just enough life that they can all have a taste. As deaths go, Clark, it's not a bad way to leave. If Lana doesn't do it, Tart says, they'll feed on Lana instead.

Lair of Lex. A hallway. "Lex!" Clark calls, surprising Lex from behind. Though not for the first time. Again, because it needs to be said: security? Clark, still in his Zorro outfit (go for it, Lex!) asks about Project 1138. Lex instinctively lies that he's never heard of it. "Don't lie to me!" Clark demands. He says he knows it has to do with rabies, and that Chloe's in the hospital dying from it. Lex looks away. Clark says he thinks Lana's been infected, too. That perks up Lex's interest. "Lana?" Lex asks. Clark says, "No more games." He tells Lex to spill what he knows. Serious music swells.

Lex leads Clark to his lair. Lex, lugging a metal briefcase, explains to Clark that a girl was trapped in a cave in town six years ago. Clark says he's read the newspaper article. That wasn't all over the news six years ago so that Clark would have remembered it anyway? Lex says that some things didn't go public -- like the fact that LuthorCorp helped rescue the girl, and that they found unusual things in the cave. Kryptonite guano? Lex says that meteor rocks got into the water and affected the animal life. In this case, the vampire bats. Clark says, dumbly, "So we are dealing with vampires." Oh, geez. Lex says it's not mythical. It's just an unusual disease. That afflicts hot chicks. Lex says that an employee was bitten and developed the vampire symptoms. Clark asks what happened to the employee. Lex says he retired: "After we cured him." Lex opens his case and reveals the antidote in vials. There's one big vat of Kryponite juice that causes Clark to back away. Lex says it has to be injected directly in the heart. He asks if Clark is all right.

Just then, CatLana falls through the glass ceiling. She hisses from the rafters. Oh, Lordy. She jumps and knocks Lex out seemingly just by brushing up against him. The briefcase sails. Clark falls on the ground to the Kryptonite vial. He spasms. Lana says she's sorry it has to be this way. She tells him that our destinies sometimes lead us to places we don't want to go. "Lana, no," Clark sputters. Lana tells him she loves him and always will. Kreukferatu's fangs appear, sharper than ever. She sinks her teeth into Clark's neck. Lana Lang just bit Superman dressed as Zorro. What the fuck, people? Lana looks at the camera during an extreme close-up with her badly done eyeliner. She rears up and screams. Joyously. Lana sees herself in one of Lex's mirrors. She eyejaculates at her reflection and breaks the mirror. Oh, young narcissism. Clark struggles to grab the giant plastic syringe with the meteor juice in it. Lana tells Clark that Queen Tart was wrong about him: "You are special."

Lair of the lesbian vampires. Goth music plays as we see that Lana has laid Clark down by a fireplace. Queen Tart enters and compliments Lana on bringing them "100% corn-fed Kansas beef." They plan to eat. Lana asks if there's something else they can do with him. Heh. Heh heh. Heh heh heh heh heh. Oh. She was being serious. Lana asks if they can convert him into one of them. A lesbian vampire? I'm not even sure that's in their powers, Lana. All the girls start laughing. They say there's no boys allowed. Lana says Clark's special. "Not to me," says Queen Tart. They push Lana out of the way. Lana tells Queen Tart not to touch Clark. Tart punches Lana, who falls and rolls a long way. Tart crouches and hisses. Tart says she's disappointed in Lana. She leaps at Lana, who fires some eyejaculate at her, making her explode in a fiery puff. Tart disappears. Cold-blooooooded! No, really -- because they're vampires. Lana smiles. She gets up and approaches the remaining sorority girls. They're all shitting bloody bricks. Lana strides over, saying she's making the rules. They don't have a problem with that. She tells them to get out. They run away, squealing and silly.

Lana comes back to Clark. She tells him everything is all right. Clark tells her she's sick. Lana insists that she's not, and that she's never felt better. Lana says she felt Clark's strength. She says she wants Clark to feel hers. "No," he moans. He says it's not who she is. "But maybe it is," she says. Maybe she's been hiding herself from Clark all this time like he has from her, she says. What is up with that eyeliner pointing at her nose? Lana tells Clark they were meant to be together. She says that, this way, they can be together forever: all it takes is one drop of blood. She takes a fingernail to her tongue and moves in to kiss Clark. He somehow finds the strength to stab her chest with the syringe. Lana screams bloody murder. She pulls out the needle and collapses onto Clark. The camera pulls back a bit on the two of them as we go to commercials.

I wonder why there aren't more lesbian vampires in ads. I'm up for that kind of commercial brainwashing.

Chloe's at her keyboard for the epilogue. She writes that the Tri Psis were booted off-campus, and that all the infected girls were treated at LuthorCorp. Chloe says that her Chica roommate was so freaked out that she transferred to NYU, leaving Chloe to room with Lana once again.

As we cut to a scene of Lana and Clark walking on the Met U. campus, Chloe says that it seems the two of them can survive anything. Clark asks Lana if she remembers what happened when she was a vampire. "Nothing coherent, thank God," Lana says, once again making me wonder how Chloe pieced her part of it together so well. Lana says she remembers one thing clearly: how she felt when she bit Clark. She felt warmth. "And love," she says, "and an overwhelming feeling of strength." Lana smiles and girlishly says that she thinks she felt what was inside Clark's heart. Now if she could only figure out what the posters of Orlando Bloom and the Frankie Goes to Hollywood music were all about, she might just crack this Clark Kent mystery. Lana says she's never felt closer to anyone in her life. She tells Clark she misses being with him. They kiss.

Stately Luthor Manor. Lex is pouring himself a stiff one. And not just because Clark is in the room. He asks red-t-shirted Clark how Lana's doing. Clark says she and Chloe are both back to normal. (Lex didn't ask about Chloe.) Clark says he knows things have been weird between them, but that he appreciates Lex's help. Lex says that means a lot to him. Lex says he's still curious as to how Clark know about Project 1138. For that matter, did Clark know it was a reference to THX 1138? Clark asks if it matters. Lex says it does if it came from SoFine. Clark asks what Lex has against the professor. Maybe that he talks shit about Lex in every lecture? Clark asks if that's why Lex stopped by class. Lex says that SoFine is poking into classified LuthorCorp documents. "He's only after the truth," Clark says. Lex thinks he's after more than. Lex warns Clark to be careful. He doesn’t think SoFine is the friend Clark thinks he is. Yeah, Clark. Watch your back.

Chloe, drinking coffee, prints out a copy of her story. She says in voice-over that the most exciting part isn't finishing a story; it's having someone else read it.

The story title reads, "Vampire sorority bites the dust." We see Pauline Kahn read the story in her office as Chloe stands behind her. Chloe asks if her multiple "Hmm"s are good or bad. Kahn says it's a good "Hmm." She says it would be good if the Daily Planet printed tabloid nonsense like The Inquisitor does: "Tall tales about slaying Buffy the Vampire don't make it into the pages of a real newspaper." Chloe insists that it's not fiction, and that they weren't mythical vampires. Just vampires created by alien meteor rocks. Because that's way more plausible. Chloe says that they were victims of a disease, and that she has interviews, eyewitness accounts, CDC reports -- everything. Kahn says that Chloe's writing shows she's not completely without talent. Chloe: "Thank you." Kahn adds that Chloe's not a real reporter yet. "Welcome to The Daily Planet, kid," Kahn says. Chloe grins and thanks her. She asks where she starts. Kahn says that Chloe will start at the same place Pauline did: the bottom.

Cut to an excited Chloe entering the basement floor of the newsroom and carrying a box of her belongings. In voice-over, Chloe says that Kahn never did publish the article, but that she did give Chloe a chance to start on the ground floor of her dreams. Chloe gushes that it's the newspaper of record for kings, presidents, and prime ministers. "Not to mention future superheroes," she says. So is she speaking from the future? Does this mean Chloe definitely won't die? Or is she just assuming Clark will make his mark as a superhero here one day? Chloe gets to a desk in the retro-looking office while people in nice clothes walk around. As the camera pulls back, Chloe says that, the way she saw it, she had nowhere else to go but "up, up and away." The camera pulls back through a window, and we see a heavily CGIed shot of The Daily Planet's building with the big spinning globe up top. We go to black.

Title card: "In memory of Kimberley Regent." She was a props crew person on the show.

What follows are video previews for songs off the Metropolis Mix soundtrack, on sale Nov. 8. It's just clips from old shows with not-great songs attached. The first is Josh Kelley's "Almost Honest," with a bunch of Lana and Clark scenes. The is Diamond Nights's "The Girl's Attractive," with lots of shots of Lois and last week's T&A shots, plus some assorted fast action bits. The last is Breaking Benjamin with "Forget It." This one has scenes of the whole cast, plus Aquaman.

week: Lois is a stripper. Imagine our surprise. Plus: the Duke boys reunite.