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It's summertime in Smallville, and all the cool kids are hanging out at Crater Lake. Some folks are hanging out a little more than others -- like, say, Lois Lane in her bikini. She joins up with Chloe, Clark, and Lana, but gets into trouble when she takes a long walk off a short pier (did she overhear us talking about her?) and bonks her head. Clark goes to save her from drowning, but is interrupted by the teen version of Dolph Lundgren -- a square-headed, square-jawed, square-pectoral-muscled dude who swims like the wind and says "Bro" a lot. This is Aquaman. Aquaman rescues Lois with some mouth-to-mouth action, and before you can say "mononucleosis," they're sorta dating in a halting, awkward, badly acted way. Aquaman hates Lex Luthor because Lex is developing a sea weapon to sell to the military that would, as a side effect, kill a bunch of marine life. When Aquaman (or "A.C.," which is a desperate cry for "Acting Coach") finds out Clark's secret (and vice versa), the two team up temporarily to disable Lex's Weapon of Bass Destruction. Lex takes Aquaman hostage for a little while, denying him precious water, but Clark soon saves his new friend. Lex and Clark exchange harsh words about lies and how they're not chummy anymore (mmm, sea chum...) and as a by-product, Clark takes a research job with his new professor at the A&M he's now attending. The professor, played by one James Marsters, isn't a fan of Lex Luthor's, and is working on a project to expose LuthorCorp's dirty deeds. The professor is also a very smart guy -- you might even say brainy. Aquaman leaves town, fearing retribution from Lex, but not before using his giant robot head to kiss Lois's aging, non-emotive face. Clark tells her she'll meet someone even more super someday, but for now she's left to pine. It's all right, though. She'll always have Aquaman near her. After all, she's about 30% saline. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Big shout-out this week to water, without which this episode (and recap) would never have been possible. Water, you never complain, you cover the majority of the Earth, and you don't even care when people add lemon flavor to you, stick it in a bottle, and call it nutritious. Water? You rock. In fact, you shape rock.
The episode begins with a sign that reads "Crater Lake" and some rockin' rock music playing. We pan across summer-dressed teens throwing footballs and lugging ice chests. Is there anything more American than a Styrofoam ice chest? We see Chloe's convertible and Clark's red pick-up truck parked. Barbecuers are roasting up the goods while others are just kicking it on blankets by the water. Lovely Kansas mountains, those. Someone on the lake is jet-skiing. Dudes, this was shot in Vancouver. Wanna guess how cold that water was? ["Actually, Vancouver never gets terribly cold -- and wouldn't be very cold at the end of August or beginning of September, when they probably shot this. Having said that: there really aren't mountains in Kansas, at all." -- Wing Chun] On a blanket near the not-very-secure-looking pier, Clark is rubbing suncreen on Lana's back. She's wearing a slung-over one-piece black bathing suit that your grandma wore when she went to Coney Island as a teen. The boys got fresh with her and there's more to tell, but your grandma swore me to secrecy. Lana tells Clark that he missed a spot. "Where?" Clark asks. Lana points to her lips. Mustn't let her lips get sunburned. She might never emote again. Clark, shirtless, leans over and kisses her.
Just then, Chloe and Lois walk up. "Well, I know what you did this summer," Lois jokes. Chloe is wearing some sort of sundress that covers up her goodies, while Lois is just hanging out there with her giant fake tits bumping poor extras out of the way and her low-slung bikini bottom making, as my friend Adrian Villegas says, "a gynecological exam redundant." Clark and Lois stand up to greet them. Lois tells Clark not to look so guilty; she says it's about time the lovebirds spread their wings. I don't even want to speculate on the euphemistical implications. "What are you doing back?" Clark asks Lois. I'm with him on this one. Chloe grins at the chit-chat. Lana says she thought Lois was still in Europe. Honestly? I think the producers didn't think Chloe could fill out a bathing suit as well, or she would have been the focus of this episode's storyline. Is it valid? No. But come on. It's not like Chloe's dating anyone and couldn't have had an opposites-attract thing with Aquadude. Clark says he was hoping Lois wouldn't be back for the rest of the year. She gives him an amused dirty look. Am I the only one who thinks they've completely ruined Lois as a character on this show? They brought her in too early and too often and now we're just stuck with her. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Lois is the new Lana. And that's a crap place to be, Durance.
Lana asks if Lois will be staying with Chloe. Lois says she just ran into MamaKent at The Talon and was invited to come live with the Kents again. So the whole thing about Lois leaving? Just forget all that shit. "Yeah, right," Clark says. But it looks to be true. "Really?" he asks, seriously. Clark and Lana exchange worried looks. Lois says the "snuggle-bunnies" can hop around all they want, since she's a heavy sleeper. Lois has a tendency to rush her lines and eat the ends of them, so it's almost impossible to get what she's saying without the closed captioning. Not that it's fantastic. Lois hands her bag to Chloe like, "Here, also-ran," and announces she's going for a dip. Oh, are they covering you in chocolate for an FHM shoot? Clark asks if they think she'd sleep through him smothering Lois with a pillow. I know two people who jokingly say they're going to kill people, or suggest, "Why don't you just kill him?" on a regular basis in casual conversation. People? That shit just isn't funny or cute, all right? Knock it off. Pretend you're living in Israel or Baghdad, or, hell, downtown Detroit, and think how much less amusing or tactful that remark would be. Lana mumbles to Clark not to stay in the sun too long or he'll get fried.
Lana walks off, who knows to where, and Chloe comes up closer to Clark to wonder why he hasn't let Lana in on his secret yet. I thought he decided on that already. Clark has a little tiny bandage on his chest where a gaping bullet hole should be. Nobody seems to have asked to see the wound. I'm not in the business of staring at men's chests, but I have to agree with some folks on the forum: Clark doesn't have the ripped, chiseled chest he did in earlier seasons. Maybe it was just an off week. Dudes retain water too, ya know. Or maybe they got him on a bad angle. Clark, playing with a small bottle of sunblock, asks if Chloe thinks he's happy about getting his powers back and having to lie about them. Clark says he didn't ask for this life. Why does this scene remind me of the movie Sideways all of a sudden? Ah yes. Must be all the whine. Chloe surmises that the world didn't ask to need heroes, but that it does. Touché, former man of steel. (Now man of future love handles.) Clark tries to have an expression. That circuit fails.
The pier. Lois emerges from a ladder, dripping, as the camera ogles her breastesses. There is definitely some lift and separation; we see a lot of sternum here. As the music continues, Lois positions herself on the edge of a small diving board. She jumps backward and into the water. In the wide shot, she's nowhere near the pier. But in an underwater shot, her head bumps the edge of a plank. The music turns dark and moody. If she hadn't dove in backward, surely her breasts would have saved her. (Though the resulting leak might have proved an environmental disaster.) Lois's limp body sinks slowly underwater instead of floating up. We cut to an above-water shot in which two kids have their feet wading in the water, not noticing that anything's wrong. It's only been about five seconds, but Chloe says to Clark, "Something's wrong. She's been under way too long. Go!" Clark runs at normal speed toward the pier and dives into the water. Lois continues to sink. Something zooms past Clark like a sea-bullet and pushes him aside. Gratuitous ass shot of Lois. A Matt Damon-on-steroids-looking guy cradles Lois's body in the water. Clark looks to see who it is. Robot Swimmer Dude gives Clark a look that says, "Dude, I got it, bro," and super-swims away. The water movement pushes Clark backward.
On the shore, Giant Robot Tank Man (we shall soon know him as Aquaman) is carrying Lois and her attendant front-baggage. "Is she all right?" Lana asks about the unconscious person just laid on the sand. Chloe helps put Lois's head down. "I'm working on it," says Aquadude. He starts chest compressions. Hey, hey, a little close to the boob, now, aren't we? Then again, how could he not be? Clark, looking very funny with his wet cowlicked hair, finally shows up. Were you chatting with Flipper? Nice of you to join us. Extras gather. Tight boob shot again as Aquadude gives Lois mouth-to-mouth. She coughs out some water. Close-up on Lois's face. From her point of view, we pan up Aquadude's gigantricized square torso. His nipples are like Navy jet rivets. "Hey," says the voice coming from the blocky, burly head. Lois's eyes, which we zoom in on, fail to convey an emotion. Lois smiles. She touches her sore head then sits up. Aquadude tells "Gorgeous" to stick to the shallow end until she learns to swim. She stands up, wobbly. "Maybe you ought to try breath mints, surfer boy," she says. Aquaman laughs and says he's Arthur Curry, but friends call him "A.C." Lana says they have to get Lois back to the farm. Not the hospital? Hey, if it spares me a hospital scene, I'm not complaining. Chloe asks Clark where "Bobby Baywatch" came from. Clark says he can sure swim fast. Chloe asks if that's "meteor-freak fast." Clark says the guy can swim faster than Clark himself can. Dramatic music. Wanna emote here, Clark? Just for a bit? No? All right, no pressure. We've got the rest of the episode, buddy. We'll just go to opening credits.
All right, Charlize Theron. We get it. You want to be a serious actress. Just please don't appear on Arrested Development again, all right? I'll just say that comedy is not your strong suit.
A large glass building sits behind a "Central A&M Kansas" sign. Dude, we totally partied with some girls from Central A&M Kansas. They brought their own roofies, so, yeah. Right on. Party schoooooool! Hey, it's James Marsters! Wasn't he on some show or something? Anyhoo, he's got his brown hair combed back and he speaks in an American accent. He's at a podium in front of a round lecture hall. He asks his class if they know where the most powerful supercomputer resides, and then points to his own temple. "Right here," he says. "It's the human brain." I'm not entirely sure he's talking about the individual brains of each class member. He says we only use 10% of it. Less if you write for the show. Oh, come on, I'm kidding, guys. Don't be mad. Here's some flowers. You know I love you, right, Tina Turner?
Clark Kent, backpack slung over his shoulder, tries to sneak into class late. Couldn't he do it with his superpowers and not be detected? "Good morning, Mr. Kent!" the teacher says cheerfully, rolling his eyes. He asks if they started too early for him. "Sorry. I kinda got lost," Clark says. The prof re-introduces himself as "Professor Milton Fine" ("Oh, Milton, you're so Fine, you're so Fine you blow our mind, hey Marsters!"), and exposits that his class is an intro to world history. First lesson: It's long. He says that, before we delve into Greeks, Romans, and Spartans (ooh, the gay world history trilogy!), he wants to talk about the word "History." He says that history isn't about facts; it's about the context and who is telling the story. "What is history?" he asks, then, pointing, "What is her story?" What's this guy's story? I already like him more than I like Lois. He asks "Mr. Kent" about his story and how he'll affect the world around him for generations to come. All the students, who sit with laptops and microphones like they're in the U.N., look bored and don't really pay much attention to Clark. Clark says he's not sure you can really know that at eighteen. Professor SoFine says, "Tell that to Alexander the Great." Aw, geez. This shit again? Or, SoFine says, "Lex Luthor." SoFine says that Lex has turned his father's agribusiness into a leading defense contractor. He did? How did we miss that? "He's gone from feeding people to killing them," SoFine lectures. Ah, I miss radical college professors. SoFine says Lex's story is that he's a white knight who put a small Kansas town on the map. "Beware of white knights, people," SoFine warns. Why did they save all the good dialogue for this guy? SoFine, returning to the podium, says that white knights don't slay dragons; they train them for their own dark purposes. This whole speech is really going to put a damper on my World of Warcraft session. SoFine brings up Hitler, Stalin, and Napoleon. "Lex is not a saint. But I don't think you can put him in the same league as those guys," Clark blurts. My wife says that Marsters, with his head at that sideways angle, "looks like a little elf." SoFine likes Clark's honest opinion. Is it love?
The Talon. Boppin' alt-crap plays as a large coffee cup fills with espresso, then spills over. Must be Lois's shift. She's sort of daydreaming while trying to will her Botoxed forehead into an expression. Must...look...dreamy...dammit! "I think it's full," says Aquadude, who is standing at the counter wearing an orange muscle shirt. He makes an awful, awful face with that smile. Lois lies that customers like their coffee spilled everywhere: "More bang for their buck." "I got a buck!" Aquadude offers. Yeah, the coffee is $3.95, jerky. Lois snarks that he should use it to buy some fashion sense. That costs thousands, chesty! Lois delivers coffee to a table while she and Aquadude engage in some seriously awkward staring. Lois glances down at Aquadude's package. He's wearing green shorts with a drawstring. Lois walks over to him just to say that his clothes look like Flipper threw up. That's our Lois Lane, ladies and gentlemen! Don't you just love her? America's sweetheart, I say. Is it too late to get a transplant? Aquadude, clearly undaunted by Lois's tragic Personality Deficit Disorder (PDD: we're thinking of starting a foundation) says that if Lois teaches him how to dress the way she likes, he'll teach her how to swim. Thus begins the Great Can Lois Swim? Debate of '05. It lasts about as long as '05. Highlights: Aquadude says that Lois has "pretty lungs," and she calls him "fish stick," which would make a lot more sense if she actually knew he was Aquaman. Aquadude says she was turning blue when she nearly drowned. She says it's a good color on her. Well, three episodes of good writing apparently stretched the limits of the budget. This dialogue came from CostCo. Lois says she practically lives in the water. "Me too," says Aquadude. Lois says she's a great swimmer. "Prove it," Aquadude says. The suspense, folks! It's killing me! This could be the greatest TV romance evah! Please. Someone. Save me.
A&M campus. SoFine is leaving a building when Clark comes up behind him, saying that they got off on the wrong foot and that he wants to apologize. SoFine, quite a bit smaller than Clark, says that if you're going to be late, you should do it with conviction. I gotta remember that one. Clark asks how SoFine knew his name. The professor asks what Clark did on his first day at campus. Clark got his picture taken for his ID. SoFine says that those pictures are in a database he studies to familiarize himself with students before classes start. He says it helps the learning process. This guy cares! SoFine asks how long Clark's been friends with Lex, an assumption he deduced from Clark's defense of his white knight. Clark says it's a long story, but that Lex isn't the man SoFine thinks. SoFine quotes Groucho Marx on honesty: to know if a man's honest, ask him. If he says yes, he's crooked. Clark says that he would think a professor would quote Karl Marx, not Groucho. Ouch, Clark, it hurts us when you try to be smart like that. The professor, wearing a blazer and jeans with a cool untucked shirt, says, "German philosophy is easy. Comedy is hard." I...I love him. Out of nowhere, SoFine offers Clark a job as a research assistant. He's working on a book about LuthorCorp, and says it would be a chance for Clark to find out the truth about Lex. Clark says he's not looking for a job. SoFine says the thing worse than speaking the truth is uncovering it. Clark is going to need about a year to mull that one over.
Swim follies. Lois and Aquadude are back at Crater Lake. Lois, swimming backward, is taunting her new friend. He says he's enjoying the view. So it's still summer, but there's not a single other person at Crater Lake during the day? Lois is ready for their swim race. He gives her a head start. She doesn't play to her strengths by attempting something other than a breaststroke. Aquadude sinks underwater, and then we see a shape quickly dart in a curve around Lois, and past her. Lois gets to the pier, and Aquadude is already sitting on it. "Hey," he says. She asks how he did that. "Don't sweat it," he tells her. "I'm part fish." He helps her up. Different swimsuit, same rack. I guess hers aren't interchangeable. Aquadude compliments Lois on her swimming. She says her teacher was a Navy SEAL. "I swam with the seals," he says. "They're awesome." Ha ha, cute. But not really. Lois asks if he's a military brat. "No. Just a brat," he says. Oh, what witticism. Dorothy Parker surely missed the golden age. Aquadude tries to stroke Lois's plastered-down hair. "What're you doing?" she asks. He leans forward to kiss her. Just then, a weird sonar sound causes him to rear back and hold his ears in pain. Lois tries to help him as he stands. "You don't hear that?" he asks. He writhes in agony, and then falls sideways into the water. Lois calls out his name.
Underwater, a giant electronic lint brush with a red light at the handle tip is emitting a massive signal. Aquadude swims toward it, but is seemingly pushed away by the signal's power. Aquadude swims back to shore and emerges, stumbling in pain. Lois goes to help. He falls to the sand. Lois asks him to lie back. Massive downward cleavage. You'll suffocate him, Lois! His ears are bleeding. Lois looks toward the water. All along the lake, CGI fish are floating up, dead. Truly, this is a Weapon of Bass Destruction.
Commercials. Oh, how I love you, Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit.
Stately Luthor Manor. There's a computer schematic of the giant lint brush. Shockingly, scientists have just discovered that such a device cannot actually remove lint underwater. A woman tells Lex Luthor that except for an unexplained disturbance at the test site, their experiment was a success. She's holding one of those giant Remote Commander home theater remote controls disguised as a diabolical science device. On the green screen, which includes sonar, a message flashes, "Marine Life At Critical Damage." Is that a Japanese band? Lex, sitting behind his desk and drinking a glass of water, says the best part of his job is watching dreams become reality. Is he going to be an American Idol judge? The very pretty scientist in the tight red top tells Lex the target was three kilometers away. Lex is impressed; it's half a kilometer further than projected. Raises all around! Let's go to Red Lobster! "Leviathan" is exceeding all expectations, apparently. Lex says that if things continue to go well, his friends at The Pentagon (Lex has friends at The Pentagon? When did this happen?) will want to equip every ship in the fleet with it. Well, Lex does know his seamen. "What about marine life?" the scientist asks. It's tough, but then you get to call yourself a "leatherneck." The scientist continues, but Lex cuts her off and says that there's plenty of fish in the sea. Lex says nobody will miss a few that go belly-up. Tell that to Nemo! Lex wants the Weapon of Bass Destruction (the WBD) back in the lab.
Kent home. Lois draws a glass of water for her new buddy Aquadude. He drinks it in one gulp. Lois suggests that they go to the hospital. "No, I'm cool," he says. I like all this resisting of medical treatment lately. It makes things easier on me. Lois suggests that blood coming out of your ears isn't normal. He says it's probably an ear infection, and asks if they can drop it. Whatever you say, bleedy. Lois feels his forehead for a fever. He tells Lois that she doesn't listen. "I find it distracting," she says. He takes her hand and puts it on his chest while doing a simultaneous squint/leer. Lois tells him he feels cold. That's weird, he says, because he's so so hot. Mmm, girl, mmmmm yeah, girl. Lois asks if that line ever works on anyone. Just did, girl. Mmm mmm. He says that Lois is worth the risk. Damn, girl. He just wants to ow! Yow, mmm mmm mmm. Yeah. Aquaman is here to get you wet, girl. Lois says that he doesn't even know her. If he did? He'd be running. Or swimming away. Fast. He tells her she's abrasive, sarcastic, and never shuts up. "Yeah, and those are my good qualities," she replies. I'd like to point out that just because you're aware that you're an asshole doesn't make you any less of one. In fact, it's worse, because that means you do it on purpose. Aquadude puts his hand around her head and shoves her face toward his to plant one on her. Awwww, girl. Do you feel the fishy power? Mmm mmm. Come stroke the fin, girl. Lois tells Aquadude sternly that just because he saved her doesn't give him the right to slobber all over her. Then she kisses him right back, of course. Mmm mmm, girl, dip me in butter and lemon juice. Oh yeah. You make a mean scampi, girl, mmm yeah. Lois and Aquadude's chests are both so big that they have to lean forward, and almost tip over like those drinking-bird toys when they kiss. Oops. Clark Kent walks in through the front door. "Lois!" he says. "Hey, Smallville," she says. Clark looks stricken. Damn, Clark. You just turned his swordfish into shrimp.
Kent Farm, the day. Clark is upstairs in the barn loft, whining to Chloe about catching Lois and Aquadude kissing. He's upset because they don't know much about Aquadude. So annoying. Chloe says that they can look up some information about the guy. Less than a second later, Chloe is rattling off some stats. He's a sophomore at the University of Miami, studying marine biology. She says he's also on the swim team. Clark gets fast internet service up in that barn. Clark, not wearing plaid for once, asks whether Aquadude has a criminal record. Chloe manages to find that just as quickly. She says he broke into an ocean resort. "What did he steal?" Clark asks. Chloe says he set eight dolphins free from an underwater fence. Chloe doesn't think the guy is so bad. According to her info, he's never "dipped a fin" in town until now. She guesses he's not a meteor freak. They're still calling them "freaks"? Clark says he's not the first person who didn't get his abilities from the meteor rocks. "Really?" Chloe asks. Clark tells Chloe that he met a kid last year who ran too fast for his own good. That kid? Flash. Chloe asks if Clark's not just upset that someone stole his "hero thunder." Clark thinks he's Han Solo or something. He's got a bad feeling about this.
Talon. Aquadude is downing a big glass of water while Lana watches him. Lois pours more out of a pitcher and tells Lana -- and Clark, who's hovering nearby -- that she's never seen someone swim so fast or drink so much water. "It keeps my skin soft," Aquadude gushes to Lana. Oh, man, I figured it out. He's a butch overcompensator! Oh yes. It all makes sense now. I see what's up. Carry on, Smallville. Clark, trying to be all Columbo (but more "Dumbo") asks, "So, how do you like the University of Miami?" Lois asks if Aquadude goes to Miami. "Yeah, uh, how do you know that?" he asks Clark. Clark says he's a big fan of college swimming. Lana is like, "Really? Since when?," but all innocent-like. Clark ignores her and asks how Aquadude learned to swim so fast. He went to school. A school of fish! Ah ha ha ha! I kill me. Aquadude says it runs in the family. He says his dad runs a lighthouse down south, but swims like a lead weight. He guesses his mom had the skills. She died when he was a baby. If you'd like to know more about the comic book Aquaman, this site's not bad (thought a tad out of date). Sounds like he had a seriously fucked-up life. Aquadude says that part sucked, but that growing up by the water was like totally awesome! Clark asks what brought Aquadude to the most landlocked spot on the map. "Crater Lake," he says. Aquadude tells the group that lots of fish have been dying off in the lake. The EPA, he says, claims it's due to temperature change: "But I think that's totally bogus." Gnarly. Clark says that's a long way to go to investigate a temperature change. Lois frowns. "Not if you care about the world you live in," Aquadude responds. Geez, Clark, get the stick out of your ass. Unless, you know, you like it. Aquadude says that what happens in the water affects us all. Like, say, the price of the all-you-can-eat deal at Joe's Crab Shack. "Do you really believe that or is that a pick-up line for the girl?" Clark asks, rudely. Lana finally snaps, "Clark!"
Lois tells Clark she needs to talk to him privately about a cinnamon bun. Mmm, Cinnabon. Lois asks Clark what he's doing, saying she already has an overprotective dad (IRONSIDE!) and doesn't need a brother. Clark asks if he's the only who thinks there's something "fishy" about this guy. Keep throwing on the seaward dialogue, Smallville. I can take it. Just don't be surprised if I use my own c-word. Lois tells Clark to quit being a jerk. Lois apologizes to Aquadude for Clark's behavior. He tells her he's "gotta bounce." Lois asks if he needs company. Sure, just leave your job in the middle of a shift. Aquadude says he needs to take care of some stuff on his own, and that he'll swing by later. Wait, that's Tarzan's line. Clark tells Lana and Lois that he was being a jerk, and goes to apologize. Lois tells Lana she doesn't know how she puts up with Clark. Awkward silence.
A tunnel. Aquadude has swum up to it, and pulls himself up to the surface. Clark superzips into the scene, watching Aquadude go.
A laboratory. Aquadude removes a conveniently unbolted steel grate from the floor and climbs up from the water below it. He's got a backpack with him. This is the home of the WBD. Aquadude looks through some LuthorCorp documents that are just lying around on a table. He opens his backpack, removes a Ziploc bag and turns on some sort of device he was storing inside. It's an explosive. Aquadude gets back in the water hole to escape. He hears something zip into the room. Clark sees the ticking device and superspeeds to it. He hugs it to his stomach, and the thing explodes, sending water everywhere, but leaving the lab intact. Clark looks over. Aquadude is gone.
Cut to the tunnel, where Aquadude is diving into the lake. Clark is waiting for him in the water. I hope Clark's wristwatch is waterproof. The two stare at each other in the water. Aquadude does a Mr. Miyagi, waxing on in a circle and forming a seaball of energy. He shoots it at Clark and it sends him spinning. Clark swim-dives at Aquadude with both fists ahead of him, and knocks him back. Aquadude and Clark squint at each other. Another ball of water. This one's bigger and hits Clark right in the chest. It shoots him up and out of the water, making Clark sail thirty feet up and onto the shore. Clark acts hurt and winded, which doesn't make a lot of sense. Aquadude, underwater, grins goofily.
Commercials. Reba? They still show that?
Show promo. If you're just joining us, here are Lois's tits.
Kent farm. For some reason, Lois is up in the loft with Clark. She asks whether Clark apologized for "dropping the A-bomb" on her date. Clark says he didn't get a chance, since Aquadude was playing terrorist. Clark tells her he caught Aquadude trying to blow up a lab. Lois thinks Clark is making it up, and that Clark might even be jealous. She storms out of the barn.
Just then, Aquadude appears in his orange and green ensemble. "Is she great or what?" he asks Clark. Aquadude is impressed with Clark's "hook-up," and the way he absorbed the blast from the C4 explosive. "Aw, that was awesome, bro!' he exclaims. Clark says he was trying to stop the bomb Aquadude set off. Bro. Oh yeah, that. Aquadude says that, thanks to Clark, the oceans are one step closer to becoming a graveyard. Clark asks whether the device Aquadude tried blowing up has to do with the dead fish. "Everything," Aquadude tells him. He says the Weapon of Bass Destruction emits a soundwave that can rip a submarine in half. Yet it left the rickety pier intact. Aquadude tells Clark that some documents he found at the lab had "LuthorCorp" written on them. He says that the device kills all sealife around it, even when it's on standby. Clark is sad that Lex is into making weapons these days. Aquadude is worried that if the military starts using these devices, it'll be an ecological disaster. Clark thinks that's terrible. We can't let all those E. colis get destroyed! "We have to stop them," says Aquadude, getting in Clark's face. Clark's solution is to go talk to Lex. Aquadude says there's no time: "Come on, Superboy! With you on the turf and me in the surf, we could stop this thing cold!" Aquadude is like the guy who gives you jet-ski lessons and then laughs at you when you fall off and lose your sunglasses in the water. And I bet he drinks Mountain Dew. Aquadude lectures Clark about using his amazing gift to help protect this planet. He starts to leave. Clark superzips around him to meet him at the door. Clark says he's not going to put innocent lives at risk. Aquadude: "Like your buddy Lex Luthor?" Ha! "He's not my buddy. Not anymore," Clark says. Late-night booty call, maybe, but not a "buddy." Aquadude insists that Lex knows what the weapon can do and doesn't care. Clark says that if Aquadude wants Clark's help, they're going to see Lex first. Aquadude agrees with Clark, the "Boy Scout," and says, "Let's go have a word with the cue ball." I can't see how Clark thinks this is going to go well.
Stately Luthor Manor. Did I mention this isn't going to go well? Lex is looking at some funky green pixels on a sonar map on his laptop when Clark and Aquadude walk in. Lex nervously shuts his laptop and says that they got there fast; he only has a few minutes. "Yeah, we know, bro," says Aquadude. "I don't believe we've had the pleasure," Lex says. Yeah, only Lex and Clark have had the pleasure. Oh, God, the pleasure. Don't worry, Aquadude, you're on the short list. Clark introduces his "friend from out of town" to Lex. Lex goes to shake his hand, but Aquadude just tells Lex he has to stop it. Shaking hands? Well, that's gonna be tough in corporate America, but I suppose he could...wait, who are you, again? Clark says they know about the Weapon of Bass Destruction. Clark says he guesses the billions Lex makes from agriculture aren't enough. "One day of college and he's already an activist," Lex snarks. How does Lex know Clark's been to school? Lex says the only weapon he's developing is one that fights hunger. It's called a sandwich. Would you like one? Lex says his teams have also been working on a strain of fast-growing kelp. Ew. I'll take the sandwich. Aquadude yells at Lex that he's lying. He calls the WBD by its name. "I'm sorry, who are you again?" Lex asks, raising his voice. Clark suggests that Lex shut the weapon down. Lex says that the days of Clark barging into his home to give him sage advice are over. When was Clark's advice ever sage? ["When he was recommending how Lex should season his sandwich?" -- Wing Chun] Clark says he doesn't want to see Lex get hurt. Unless Clark's doing the hurting. Lex says he's not going to kowtow to extremists who might try to stop him. "I told you this was a waste of time," Aquadude mutters to Clark. "You know, you're a real tool, Lex," Aquadude spits at our bald pal. He storms out. Lex tells Clark that his new friend has anger issues. "He gets that way when someone's trying to destroy what he loves," Clark says. Lex says he's not trying to destroy anything. Clark tells him not to bother trying to cover up. "The days of me believing your lies are over," Clark says. That's it? This was more whimper than bang, don't you think? Where was the fiery break-up? The make-up sex? Lex opens his laptop back up and sees a bunch of weird dots on the screen. It would be nice if they meant anything to us, the viewers.
Aquadude's at the Crater Lake pier. He's walking along when a small dart suddenly hits him in the neck. Message for you, sir! He grunts and falls. He struggles to try to make it to the water, but can't reach. We zoom in on the dart. Then an extra-wide shot of Aquadude lying on the pier.
Commercials. David Spade, why are your credit-card commercials so much funnier than your new Comedy Central show?
Shot of the tunnel from earlier. Then we cut straight to the watery lab Aquadude tried to blow up. A doctor in a lab coat is drawing blood from Aquadude's arm. He's strapped to an exam table, wearing only his aqua-colored boxers. I would think a lab technician would have ethical qualms about this, but I guess LuthorCorp has a bitchin' 401k plan. "Why are you doing this to me?" Aquadude asks. Lex, who enters the scene in minor-evil mode, says, "One, you called me a tool." Ha. Lex says that number two, most people he knows need scuba gear to breathe underwater. Aquadude is parched, with ashy, crumbling spots on his chest and lips. He's drying out. Lex, holding a half-full (half-empty?) glass of water to Aquadude, says it shouldn't surprise him that a friend of Clark's has unusual abilities. Aquadude looks longingly at the glass of water. Lex is leaning over, his elbow on the table, his face hovering above Aquadude's. That's an evil pose! Aquadude, a stand-up guy (even when he's lying down, strapped), says that Clark doesn't know anything about this. He asks for some water, saying he's a little thirsty. Lex says he's thirsty, too. For knowledge. He says it's a thirst that never seems to get quenched. Maybe you need Gatorknowledge. Lex asks if Aquadude is with a group called "guardians of the sea." "I don't travel with an entourage," says Aquadude, a pretty lame reference to the Aquaman storyline in the most recent season of the HBO show. Lex rolls his eyes in agreement with me. Aquadude again asks for water. Lex says that if he gives his new friend water, he guesses Aquadude will bust out of his restraints. And then he'll have to give all the other fish-men water! And who's paying that bill? Lex hovers the glass just inches from Aquadude's lips and asks how he's able to breathe underwater. Aquadude says he'll talk if Lex shuts down his WBD.
A voice on an intercom system says that the weapon is submerged, and that the visitors are in the waiting area. Lex says they'll have to pick this up later. "Please!" Aquadude pleads three times. Dude, he is thirsty! Where da Big Gulp at? Our fishy friend says he doesn't care what Lex does to him (except for the part where he was crying, "Please!"), but that Lex should just destroy the weapon. "Okay!" Lex says sarcastically. "You convinced me!" Tool. Lex says he's spent $100 million on research and development, and that shutting down the project would put the nation's fleet at risk: "You might be a big fish in the water, but up here I'm the shark." He pours out the glass of water as Aquadude watches in horror. Yeah, this is for my homies...Dr. Doom. Green Goblin. Zod. Keep ya heads up, yo.
Dried-out Aquadude moans weakly for help. He's not much without fluids, is he? And who should whoosh into the room but dry-personality Clark? Clark sees Aquadude strapped to the table. Aquadude sees Clark, and we get a weird pan across his body. Is he sporting wood? It's hard to tell. There's water all around Clark, but instead of throwing some onto Aquadude, he opens up a valve that does God knows what. Turns out it activates a sprinkler system. Aquadude, mouth open, self-hydrates. His body oily, he sits up, growling. He breaks through his restraints. Mighty H20! Aquadude lifts his arms and opens his mouth and suddenly it's The Shawshank Redemption. Does that make Clark Rita Hayworth? Aquadude gives good all-male porn face. Clark asks if he's all right. "Wet and ready, bro!" Aquadude announces, giving Clark a slippery, thrusting smile and giving us the Gayest Look (and line) of the Episode. If you are in athletics, I urge you never to say "Wet and ready, bro!" in a locker-room situation. You will have your ass handed to you, probably after having your butt cheeks taped together. The wet and ready bro says there's security everywhere and he'll never make it to the test on time. Test on time, terrifies me, test on time, makes me party! Clark says he might be able to, with a little help. Aquadude gives Clark a big, dumb Matt Damon smile, and it's the second-gayest look of the episode. By a narrow margin.
Lex is presenting his weapon, scientist to him at the ready, to some bigwigs from the Pentagon. He says that this weapon will forever tip the balance in naval warfare to our favor. Well, until they develop a stronger version on the other side, right? "That's a bold claim," says a four-star...admiral?...who doesn't seem very dynamic for a naval commander. Lex sets the show in motion. The scientist turns on a "modulator." But suddenly there's static on one of her screens. "What the hell was that?" she asks. Lex asks what's up. "Looks to me like Lex Luthor's miracle weapon just self-destructed," the admiral says, exiting quickly. Wow, he sure was an impatient dude. I hope he's not working Iraq. The scientist goes after the military brass while Lex tries to figure out what went wrong from the image feed on screen. He wanders over to the lab and, through a window, sees a shape swimming fast out on the lake. Damn you, James Bond!
Commercials. They make an Icy Hot sleeve big enough to fit Shaq?
Lair of Lex, nighttime. Clark walks through the door as Lex is apologizing to the admiral for wasting his time. Lex? Security. Look into it. Please. I'm worried about you, man. Brinks has a good holiday special going now. I'll even send you the coupon. Lex snarks that he expected to see Clark protesting outside LuthorCorp. Clark says he was interested in seeing Lex's new kelp research. He asks if there've been any new developments with that. Lex chuckles and pours himself a drink. He says the project was derailed by some misguided vandals. He says bitterly that the equipment is damaged beyond repair. How is that possible? "Maybe it wasn't meant to be," says Clark smugly. Lex asks about Clark's friend. Clark says he hasn't seen him. Lex asks Clark to pass on the message that he looks forward to seeing the guy again. Clark steps forward and asks whether Lex ever thinks about where his life is headed. Lex smiles. "All the time," he says. "It's a complicated world, Clark. Only the naïve view it in black and white." Clark tells Lex about his professor telling the class that LuthorCorp is evil and that Lex is just short of the Devil. Lex takes the moment lightly, smiling as he says, "Well, you didn't tell him about my pitchfork, did you?" Clark responds, a little sadly, "I defended you." Ooh, burn, Lex. Devil burn! Clark exits, saying, "I guess I am naïve." And depressing.
The Barnness of Epilogueitude. Aquadude is there to greet Clark. "You got some awesome stuff in here, bro," he says. The tractor? Clark says it's probably not as cool as the ocean floor. Aquadude thanks Clark. He says they make a pretty good team: "Maybe we should start up a junior lifeguard association or something." Clark says he's not ready for "The JLA" just yet. Oh, good fucking Christ. Just shut up. Man. My head? She is bruised from this episode. Clark asks Aquadude to stop blowing stuff up. Aquadude promises, as long as Lex sticks to dry land. Clark thinks Lex might be a threat since he's seen Aquadude's abilities. He says that Lex will turn the world upside-down looking for him. Aquadude says that the world is three-quarters water: "Good luck finding me." Clark asks about school in Miami. Aquadude says that the swim team will have to find another handsome stud. Clark, maybe? Clark calls him "A.C." and asks him to stay out of trouble. Aquadude suggests that Clark get into some trouble. "Stay super, bro," he "acts." He holds out a fist, and Clark knocks it with his own. So, so close to gay porn.
A&M. Clark enters the lecture hall, which is empty except for Professor SoFine, who is sitting in front of a laptop. SoFine says he hopes Clark didn't come to apologize if he's dropping the class. Clark says that SoFine was right about Lex. "Of course I was," SoFine says. He tells Clark he's an educator and that he'll never lie to Clark. He says that truth is his life's work. Clark asks if it's not too late to take the research assistant position. SoFine says he doesn't want someone who'll change his mind. Clark says he can't sit back and watch anymore. He wants to help expose the truth about LuthorCorp. SoFine stands and says he expects his research assistant to be smart, thorough, and show up to class every day. Wow. 1 for 3 at best. Clark says he can guarantee it. SoFine goes a little too heavy here and says that every decision has an effect on the sum of a man's life. Dude, it's a college assistant job at A&M. Try not to get too full of yourself. SoFine says that Clark made the right decision.
Crater Lake. Lois, wearing jeans and a tight top, tells Aquadude that his orange and green clothes are still hideous. He thanks her for showing up, and then squints, holding his mouth open. Sexy, bro. He says he wanted to say goodbye. She asks if he's going to Miami. He says he's going to take some time off. Float around awhile, see where the currents take him. She wants to see him again if the currents ever bring him back to town. He doesn't think that's gonna happen for a while. Wow, cold, dude. You are fishy. Lois gets a bit emotional about the guy she was just ragging on. They kiss. It's about as romantic as salmon rubbing up against each other in the butcher's case.
Kent farm. Barn. Clark is going over financial reports from LuthorCorp. He actually looks studious, for once. He hides what he's doing when he hears someone coming up the very last steps of the stairs. Nice superhearing, Clark. It's Lois. She jokes that in her first week of college, she only read the Bartender's Guide -- the CliffsNotes version. Lois says she knows things got weird with Aquadude. Clark says he was looking out for her. She appreciates it; she's never had someone help her through the "shark-infested waters of romance." Is this over yet? Please? Clark admits that he might have been wrong about Aquadude. He says that the guy was misguided, but that his heart was in the right place. Lois, who has no idea what went down, just agrees and says he was unique. Lois says she's known a lot of guys who want to own the world, but not very many who want to save it. Clark squints at her as super music plays. Lois walks away and asks how she'll ever meet someone like that again. Clark: "Lois, I promise someday you'll meet someone even more special." And you'll kick them in the balls. The camera pans away from them as Clark puts his hand on her shoulder. Cut to black.
PSA. Annette O'Toole says: "Last year, we lost a true visionary. Christopher Reeve's courage inspired the world. In his honor, the Christopher Reeve Foundation has launched the Superman tags. By purchasing these $10 tags online, you'll help realize Christopher's dream of finding a cure for paralysis. Go forward." The tag is indeed a silver tag with "Go Forward" and the Superman logo on one side and "Christopher Reeve Foundation" inscribed on the other side. The phone number is 800.225.0292 and the site is ChristopherReeve.org.
week: blood-sucking vampires. And the former Spike says, "There's no such thing as vampires." Let's hope it doesn't suck in the bad way.