Just when Clark thinks his life is going to be tractor pulls and barn nookie (he gets this close to getting it on with Lana in the middle of a barn-raising. Hey, those beams aren't the only rising wood around here...), he learns that being normal kind of sucks. An electro-fireball-shooting thug from Belle Reve and the Uncle Fester Twins escape from the psych ward and come after Clark. They find out that he not only doesn't seem to have these rumored powers they've heard about; he also seems like kind of a wuss. They tell him to go to the LuthorCorp's famed (and until recently forgotten) Level 3 to get them their Kryptonite Juice fix, or they'll put a hurting on Clark's family and Lana, who are all being held hostage in the renovated Kent home. Clark obliges and breaks into the Level 3 facility with Chloe's trunk full of espionage tools and her laptop burgling skills. Still, it all seems a bit too easy; Clark later learns that Lex was watching them the whole time and let them enter the facility as a test. Clark gets back to the farm and defeats the bad guys with his own muscles and (intermittently functioning) brain. Then he goes to Lex's and punches the shit out of him for a few minutes for setting up this elaborate test of Clark's supposed superpowers, which could've gotten someone hurt. Lex is stunned that Clark showed vulnerability inside Level 3 and is even more stunned when he punches Clark in the mouth and the dude bleeds. Whups. Before you can say "Kal-El Coppola," Clark meets back up with Lana to continue where they left off. We end with the camera trailing out and up to the stars as Clark and Lana make sweet, sweet love by the fireplace at Lana's apartment. And of course, they both lose their virginity to Coldplay.
Welcome back to Season 5: The One Where Clark's Got No Powers. I'm sure hammering nails with a hammer and running at normal speed will be just as exciting as x-ray vision and super-strength were.
We open on a chain-link fence and a flimsy sign for "Bell Reve Sanitarium KEEP OUT!" waving in the wan wind. It's dark and foggy. A single searchlight scans the yard area. You make me sad, "The WB in High Definition" logo. An attendant in white leads a man scratching his head down a hallway. Licey. Coming the opposite direction toward us is a female doctor in a lab coat and Lex Luthor, in a long black coat. The woman tells Lex that they're transferring other patients out of this wing per Lex's request, but that the board of directors will be asking questions. Like, "We have a wing? We can transfer people? Who wants Scotch?" Lex says that for what she's paying the doctor, he's sure she can buy some answers. "Macedonia," for instance is on sale for $24.99 at Target along with the first two seasons of this show on DVD for $18.99 each. (Oops, that sale lasted till Saturday. You missed it.) Lex approaches Papa Luthor in a low-angled shot. Lex's father stands, straitjacketed, in a cell with a glass front on one wall and pads on the rest. He's wearing blue pants and looks like he's about to bust an MC Hammer move. It's a self-homage to the "Shattered" episode, only Lex is on the other side of the glass. Papa Luthor lifts his head and stares at Lex with his frosty, clouded-over eyes. Lex looks a bit afraid. "Keep him isolated," Lex tells the physician. He asks for twenty-four-hour supervision and demands that he be notified if there's any change in Papa Luthor's condition. Lex puts his fingers on the glass. Papa Luthor turns, with a sly smile on his face, and walks away. Lex turns to leave. The doctor exits through a side door.
As Lex is walking down another hallway in Belle Reve, some patients are being moved. They've all got these big metal clamps on their wrists, each with a big red light in the middle. Everything goes in slow motion as Lex rounds a corner and runs into the lead patient, an oversized thug who looks like a Busey and is sporting lots of arm tattoos. "Hey!" the guy says. The light on his hand clamp changes to green. An orderly apologizes to Lex. Standing behind are matching Uncle Fester-on-Jenny Craig twins, each wearing the same clamp. They're doing that hunched-over Renfield thing. "My bad," Busey says as he keeps walking. The orderly tries to give him shit about making friends. Busey says, "I'm just a people person" and throws off his hand clamp. He punches out the lead orderly. Another attendant approaches. Busey reaches his hand up near a fluorescent light. Electricity courses from it to his hand. The Festers are very entertained. Busey reaches out his other hand and forms an electrical pinecone. He shoots it at the orderly. It grows to the size of a basketball and whacks the guy in the chest, sending him flying back. The fly-harness on this show sure gets a regular workout, doesn't it? Busey laughs and says he really lights up a room. The remark is lost on the Festers, who are thinking, "I like electric Jell-O." Busey reaches up again for his electric fuel and shoots the hand clamps off his minions. He tells the Festers to do their thing. They face each other, baring their teeth, and smack fists together, forming an electrical bond. They use their other hands to reach out and create an electrical barrier. Guards approaching try firing their guns, but the bullets bounce off the shield. The Festers' favorite videogame is Defender. Busey says, "Let's blow this joint." No touching!
An explosion outside Belle Reve opens up a convenient exit for the villains. "Where to..." one of the Festers starts, "...now, boss?" the other finishes. "Smallville," Busey says. The Festers look at each other slyly behind Busey's back. "The gay..." one thinks, "...place!" the other finishes.
Opening credits. (They fixed Kristin Kreuk's name for this airing.)
Commercials. Finally! Reba and Fran Drescher on the same broadcast network! Now I can cancel my DirectTV subscription.
Hey, it's a barn raising! Clark, in his red t-shirt and Bo in his white one are straining and pulling on ropes in the sun. Everyone has gloves on except Bo, which might explain his pained expression. They lift a ginormous set of wood beams. A lot of these guys are shirtless, which explains Clark's participation. The frame goes upright as the womenfolk, children, and elderly men watch. Chloe, you've got muscles. Why are you just standing around watching? Clark and Bo let go of their ropes and rush forward to nail some planks into place. Much hootin' and a-hollerin'. "It's good," Bo assures Clark. "Yeah," he says. Toolbelt afterglow. Clark says that things are a lot heavier than he remembers. Clark, you whiny bitch. Bo tells Clark to learn to pace himself. "You're only human now," he reminds Clark, and pats him on the tummy. Thanks, Dad. Now go get me some Gatorade, old man. Bo wanders off and calls MamaKent for some lemonade, but we only know that because of the closed captions. Chloe approaches. She sticks her hand right in harm's way of a hammer and jokes about the joys of manual labor. Clark says he kind of likes being sore. It's like what happens to his brain when he thinks about stuff. Clark says it makes him feel like he accomplished something. He hammers a piece of wood to itself. "Stupid, stupid plank!" "No pain, no gain, right?" he asks, and hammers his thumb. That wasn't even CGI, folks. All acting. Brilliant. I don't understand why his shelves aren't lined with Emmys. Chloe helps Clark and tells him that being a "mere mortal" has its drawbacks. Clark goes, "Ow!" Chloe looks around, and then asks if this is what Clark really wants. A sore thumb? Of course not, why would you-- oh. Yeah. That. Clark looks over at Lana, who's wearing a skimpy white halter top and a tool belt that has to have a crotch strap and harness clamps because her hips won't hold it up otherwise. She's using a nailgun. Clark says that this is what he's always wanted. His own Tool Time girl. Chloe says that she was talking about Clark, not about his feelings for Lana. Chloe says she just found out her best friend is an alien, and then "presto-change-o," he's just a Kansas farmboy. She sounds just shy of bitter. Clark smugly says that she'll just have to get used to it: this is who he is now. Lana doesn't think it's weird that Chloe and Clark are talking all covertly over here? Chloe says she thinks Clark's destiny is more than milking cows and raising barns. Hey, hey, hey! There's also hay. "Destiny is another word for not having a choice," Clark says. And freedom's just another word for not wearing pants. We get it. Chloe asks about the Kryptonian aliens from last week. "They were looking for Kal-El," Clark says. "They're gone, and so is Kal-El." Still smiling, he asks Chloe to let it go. She just looks worried. "That poor, poor sap," she thinks.
Clark wanders over to Lana. She hands him a Dixie cup. "I've never been so thirsty," he says. Well, yeah. You hammered in almost two whole nails. Drink up, Bob Vila. Lana says it's great how the whole town is getting together to rebuild everything. "Thanks to Lex," Clark says, as our bald baddie rides up in a silver convertible. Clark says -- in voice-over, because the camera turns away, that they'd still be waiting for the FEMA check if Lex hadn't pulled some strings. Recent dubbing, Smallville? "Yeah, he's a real hero," Lana says. She says it "flatly," the closed captioning tells us, and I'm not sure if it's a slam or not. Lex gets out of his car and shakes hands with all the grunt workers. Hey, buddy, don't get my black clothes dusty. MamaKent, wearing a country hat and an orange shirt, tells Clark to go get some ten-penny nails. They're building a barn and ran out of nails? That FEMA money sure doesn't go too far. Lana offers to go with Clark. They giggle like kids and take off their tool belts. They walk, hand in hand, all happy.
Then there's Lex. "The happy couple!" he announces. Er, he means you and him, Clark. He snarks that they're sneaking off when there's work to be done. Sure, Mr. $500 shoes and no work gloves. "Fire him," Lana snarks back, but so whisper-quiet that nobody hears it but Lex and the closed-captioning typist. Lana awkwardly says that she'll wait for Clark. Then she stands five feet away. Lex says he's not Lana's favorite person right now. Clark says, "She doesn't trust you," in an odd tone of voice. He seems perfectly fine with Lex. Lex says that everybody's made mistakes. Awful, evil mistakes. Murder, even. Lex says that's in the past, and that they've been given a second chance. "I hope we can rebuild more than the town," he says seriously. Clark gives him a long stare and says, "So do I." Let's start by pitching a tent! Erecting some wood? Lex watches Clark go for a very long time. It's the Gayest Look of the Episode (or what passes for it these days).
Long panning shot of the barn-raising, some craters, and then Clark chasing Lana up a hill. Clark catches up to her and grabs her by the hips. She falls back into his arms, giggling. She turns and kisses him, arching her back quite a lot. Craaaackkk! That wasn't her, it was me. I just stretched my legs. Clark looks down and picks up a big rock. No, Clark, you can't turn it into an engagement ring anymore. They walk. Lana says that she can't believe another meteor shower hit the town, "as if the first one when [they] were kids wasn't bad enough." Her parents were flattened by a meteor. So she's gone from bringing it up constantly to being flippant about it. I guess that's some sort of progress. Clark must have picked up a hand-crafted Bo Duke Platitude Stone, because he says that maybe this isn't the end of things, but a new beginning and a second chance. In the ratings? Sure, why not? Lana says that there are so many things she's done -- things she hasn't told him. Clark brushes that off before Lana can ask, "What are your views on genocide?" He says it's all in the past now: "The past can't hurt us anymore." A caveman needs to suddenly appear to smack Clark in the face. "You're right," Lana says brightly, "no more crystals or spaceships or meteor showers." "Sounds good to me," Clark says. Can we add to that list octagons, back tattoos, and French witches? Clark eyes the clunky meteor rock in his hand. He throws it. "Fucking OW!" a cow moos.
The Barnness of Noonertude. Lana and Clark enter. Clark says he'll be back in a minute. Lana says that's great, because she needs a break from all that tool-belt carrying and waving a nailgun around. She should sit right down. "Found them," Clark says, finding a sealed box of the quietest nails ever. Lana tells Clark that sometimes it's all right to take your time. Psst! Clark! She's talking about the clitoris! Pretend I just whispered that! Lana tries to have a moment, but then says they should probably get back. Clark stops her, saying that yeah, they should probably be getting back. Except...for...kissing...and...here's my tongue in your mouth. Bon appétit! Clark says that everyone's waiting at the barn-raising. "Which means we're all alone," Lana says. Rising wood. So hot. Lana grins. Clark grins. For once, I'm not totally skeeved out by this.
Clark leads Lana up to his barn loft, right by the open window where everyone can see. More kissing. Tinkly music plays. Lana takes Clark's shirt off, and we catch a glimpse of his blue boxers. Clark and Lana settle in on the futon. Clark stops in mid-kiss. "Maybe we should, uh..." Bust out toys? Watch a video? Sign a permission slip? Clark says that they should take this slow. Lana, a bit giddy, says they've been taking things slow for four years now. Yeah, Clark, you dipshit. "I want our first time...to be as special as you are," Clark says. With that, it's clear that Clark is afraid of injuring his own hymen. Lana scrunches up her face like she's going to cry. Clark, sensing he may have misspoken, says, "It's my first time." Oddly, though, he's been married before. Lana has a weird moment, then says, "It's mine, too." Remember on The O.C. when Summer was introduced as Marissa's wilder friend who had a million boyfriends and then deigned to date Seth, then all of a sudden, Seth admitted his virginity and she was like, "Me too!" and you were like, "BULLSHIT!" This is just like that. "You and Jason never...?" Clark asks. Lana says no. That explains Jason's erratic and crazy behavior before he died recently. Now I know how he survived falling off a cliff. His blue balls kept him afloat in the rapids. "You and Alicia?" Lana says, speaking of KentFan and surprising the hell out of me. They remember KentFan? "No," Clark says. Lana thinks that not having sex with your wife is so freakin' hot. Clark says that Lana's the only one he's ever really loved. So Lana's one of three soulmates, but the only one he's ever loved. Got it. "It's only been you, Lana," Clark says. Except for those other girls. But they're all dead. Lana's nose goes Rudolph. She's allergic to man-gina. She straddles Clark and they make out more heavily.
The barn door opens. No, really, the actual barn door. Clark and Lana get up hurriedly, Clark already trying to explain what they're doing up in the barn loft. He runs down the stairs while trying to put his shirt back on: "We were just...talking about our dead exes!" The Fester Twins shoot a fireball at Clark that grabs him and throws him up against the ceiling of the barn. "Clark!" Lana yells. "Pretty girl! I approve," says Busey from below. Clark asks what they want. Busey says he wants what every freak in Belle Reve wants. "You!" he yells, pointing at Clark. Are you sure you're from Belle Reve and not Taint, the new nightclub in Metropolis? The camera zooms in on Clark, pinned to the top of the barn as little CGI ripples of energy hold him in place.
Commercials. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants on DVD. The fact that I want to see it may mean I have a man-gina.
Kent home. The thugs are pushing Clark and Lana roughly into the living room. Clark gets punched in the face. Ow! That actually hurts! "Stop!" Lana says. Oh, sure, all right. We'll just be going now and -- heeeeey! That usually never works! Busey grabs Lana and calls her "baby girl." Which, you know, is pretty astute. Lana asks Clark who these guys are. Clark says he doesn't know. "Oh, but we know you!" Busey says. He says that Clark is a legend in Belle Reve. The Festers nod their bobbly heads. Busey says that half the freaks at Belle Reve are there because of Clark. Lana asks for clarification as she struggles. Clark says they've got the wrong guy. Busey says that maybe "sweet meat" can help them find the right one. He licks Lana right in the face. Unless Conan O'Brien is doing it, that's just wrong, wrong, wrong. Clark runs for Busey. Busey lets Lana go and reaches one arm out for electricity and the other to shoot a pinecone at Clark. Ouch! That's a painful pinecone. "Clark!" Lana yells, and then runs to help him. The Festers fret that Clark isn't what they expected. Where's the panache? The Oscar Wilde wit? Why, he's hardly gay at all! Clark insists that they've got the wrong guy. Busey says they'll just have to kill Clark. Or start with his little girlfriend. She is twee, isn't she? Busey lights a cigarette with his tiny ball of energy, and either he has terrible aim or the CGI guys just didn't have much to work with, because it's barely touching the thing. Clark and Lana stand around and breathe heavily.
The Caves of Contrivance. Chloe, flashlight in hand, is looking around. She finds the giant stone Texas Hold 'Em Table of Interstellar Convergence. It accepts debit and credit! Chloe gives it a long look, and then says to herself, "All right, Clark. As long as you're happy with who you are." She turns to walk away and there's Lex, bam! Is that going to happen every time Lex shows up now? He just magically appears behind someone? I still say these caves are remarkably well lit considering that there are no other light sources. Lex says that happiness is an elusive creature. It's a homosexual penguin at the zoo, really. He says that so few us of ever really have it. Chloe snaps back that it doesn't make the journey any less important. "Or the destination," Lex counters. Wait. What? Lex hands Chloe the flashlight she just dropped. He asks if Chloe remembers the last time they were there together. Chloe says she doesn't remember what happened. Lex asks why she's been avoiding him. Allergy? Static electricity? Faint natural-gas smell? Chloe says she's been busy. Is Chloe working anywhere these days? Shouldn't she be starting college? Lex snarks that being a third wheel can be very time-consuming. Ouch. That one hurt. A bit bitterly, Chloe says that Clark and Lana are happy and that's all that should matter to a real friend. Lex struggles with that one and says he thinks Chloe knows more than she says. He tells her she's playing a very dangerous game. Either the light is bad here or Chloe looks very tired all of a sudden. Chloe says that's like hiding the spaceship Lana saw. Lex says that Lana was hysterical at the time, and didn't see what she thought she saw. "Well maybe you didn't either, Lex," she tells him. Chloe tells him to start asking questions or she'll start asking her own. Lex is left to play by himself at the giant stone table.
Back at the Kent home, Clark asks, "Level 3?" That's totally the level where you get drive the tank through Berlin. Busey is surprised that Clark has heard of it. Clark says it's a secret research facility at LuthorCorp. So secret they're all standing around talking about it. Busey says he's been there. He says that there was gourmet food, satellite TV, and a green cocktail injected in his neck three times a day. That sounds kind of kick-ass. Busey says that the experiments were to amp up what he and "The Wonder Twins" could do. They cut him off and shipped him to Belle Reve. Now he's got the Kryptonite shakes. Busey tells Clark he's going to have to break into Level 3 and get them some serum or there'll be trouble. The killing kind of trouble. Clark asks why they can't do it themselves. Busey says there are defense systems to keep out people like them. But if what he's heard is true, Clark should be able to waltz right in. Lana looks at Clark curiously. Busey looks out the living-room window, and we see a familiar red truck driving up. Clark gulps.
MamaKent and Bo grouse outside about Clark not bringing those nails back. They enter the house as Clark pretends to move some planks of wood around. Bo asks what happened with those nails. "I got sidetracked," Clark says, lamely. "Where's Lana?" MamaKent asks. Clark turns, looking horrified. Damn, Bo, get a haircut. Clark says that Lana isn't feeling well and is lying down. MamaKent asks why Clark's shirt is inside-out. Bo chuckles, "I think I'll go check on Lana myself." Gross! Clark stops Bo with a hand on the chest and whines that they never believe him and why can't they just back off? "What's gotten into you?" MamaKent asks. Busey and Co. ruin the ruse by coming out; Busey admonishes Clark for talking to his mama that way. Bo asks what's going on. "Pipe down, old man!" Busey tells him. Bo gets hellaoffended and tells this "fella" that he doesn't know who the hell he's talking to, but -- whups, a fireball to the chest. Bo goes flying. The Festers shiver. Clark asks Busey to stop, and says he'll do what they say. Busey gives him two hours to return with the serum or he'll make a "family barbecue." Crispy.
Commercials. Kids love Chex cereal, apparently.
The WB recaps the action so far. Clark and "everyone he loves" has been taken hostage. Right. Got it.
LuthorCorp. Chloe and Clark, riding in Chloe's VW convertible, pull up to within sight of the building. Lex's security team sure won't notice a bright red car sitting out in the open near this top-secret facility. Clark says that the serum is hidden somewhere on Level 3. Chloe asks if they can just call Lex and get his help. Clark says he tried calling, but that Lex is en route to Washington D.C. on business. Chloe says she's always up for some Misson: Impossible. She pulls up a rugged-looking laptop and shows Clark some computerized blueprints: the Level 3 area was closed a year ago and turned into storage. Chloe says she couldn't find "Top Secret Evil Lab" on the schematics, but that she did find a big blank area that she says "someone forgot to pencil in" on the plans. Chloe and Clark exit the car. She opens her trunk and it's Clark's time to say, "Whoa!" Chloe's trunk is full of electronic gadgets and mondo spy gear. She says she likes to come prepared. "Where'd you get all this stuff?" Clark asks. "Ebay," Chloe answers. I think starting a garage band might be the only thing that could make Chloe any cooler at this moment. Doofus Clark picks up a canister and asks if it's a flash grenade. Chloe asks him to be careful and says it was a graduation gift from Lois. She's saving it for a special occasion. Like later in the episode. Clark asks why he didn't know about this stuff before. "We all have our secrets, Clark," Chloe says with a sly smile.
Two guards in a golf cart roll casually about the industrial complex at midday. It's such a pleasant afternoon. Who needs to think about crime at a time like this? Chloe and Clark pop up from behind an angled structure, Clark wearing the brightest red shirt that can be purchased by humans. The color of the shirt itself would show up on any radar. There are aliens monitoring the Earth who are yelling, "Ow! My eyes! What is that?" Clark and Chloe jog out in the open toward wherever it is they're going. This isn't exactly Navy SEALS-level work.
Down some stairs. Chloe tells a worried Clark that they still have a few minutes before the guards roll back around. Clark asks if Chloe's sure this will work. She asks if he has a better plan. Clark whines that, normally, he'd bust open the door, super-speed past the security cameras, and open the vault with his heat vision. Then he'd go home and take a hero's dump. Chloe gives Clark a hilarious look and says that what he's saying is that he now has no useful skills. "Not so much," he says. Awesome. Can we get Batman up in here? Chloe has Clark hold her laptop as she opens it up, and says that she finally finds a superhero and this is what she gets. Clark suggests that Chloe hack into the security system and loop the current security camera image over and over. Yes, Clark, we've also seen Speed. Chloe says that would take hours. She says that sometimes it's easier if you just...she hits "Enter" on her laptop and shuts down the power. The hydraulic door to them hisses open. They've made it in.
Kent farm. A sheriff's cruiser is pulling up the driveway with its siren and lights going. In addition to Speed, we've also seen Misery. Busey thinks Clark called the police, and surmises that Clark doesn't love his family very much. Lana says that they'll get rid of the sheriff if the guy will just not freak out. "You'll know when I freak out," he warns her. There'll be chewing tobacco stains and little packs of mayonnaise everywhere! Freaky! Busey grabs MamaKent and tells them that if they don't get rid of the sheriff, MamaKent will be "toast." Ooh, can I be waffles? Thundering music plays as there's a knock on the door and Bo goes to answer it. The window around the front door has painter's tape on it. Bo opens the door, and Sheriff Cheshire steps through and starts looking around, without being invited in. She apologizes for bothering them, but explains that "three real mean cusses" escaped from Belle Reve, and that their car was found about a mile from the Kent farm. Bo and Lana, standing side by side, try to project total fear in their body language. Cheshire, who looks a bit droopy-haired without her hat, seems to pick up on it a bit. We see Busey grabbing MamaKent by the neck in another room. Cheshire asks about her. Bo takes a long, long pause, and Lana fills in by saying she's still at the barn-raising. Cheshire casually says that she was just there and didn't see her. Oh well. Bo looks extremely pained. Cheshire excuses herself. Just before she leaves, she stops and says, "Wait a minute..." Everyone freezes. "Is that coffee I smell?" she asks. Bo smiles. Lana looks like she's going to vomit up some actual toast.
Clark Kent is crawling through an air duct. I'm waiting for an ironic shot where they pan out and he's in the intestinal tract of a giant gerbil. Clark is wearing a headset and talking to Chloe, saying very loudly that there has to be another way to do this. Chloe says that Clark has to get through the air vents to undo some locks for her from the inside. Chloe, her laptop hooked up to some security software, is leading Clark to some sort of airlock. She tells Clark to take a left. He stops. She repeats it. He looks pretty winded. He tells Chloe he's going in circles. She tells him he's not; it just looks that way. Clark says it's impossible, and that it's a million degrees in there. "Gosh, Clark, I didn't realize superwhining was one of your powers," Chloe says. Delicious. Clark tells her that Pete was a lot better in these situations. "Pete!?" Chloe exclaims. Clark hits his head against the top of the air vent. Chloe is annoyed that Pete knew Clark's secret. Clark explains that he had to tell him when Pete saw his ship. "Wha? Pete got to see your spaceship!?" Dig your hole deeper, Clark. An alarm goes off. Chloe thinks Clark must have tripped a sensor, causing bad things to happen. Clark asks what he should do. Chloe: "Go, go, go, go, go!" Clark goes. Grated metal slides start coming down all around him. One closes in front of Clark. He goes left. A panel opens up below him, and Clark dangles high up in the air. He swings as Chloe asks if he's all right. "Yeah. Super," he answers.
Kent home. MamaKent is still being softly held by the brutish Busey. Cheshire is complimenting Bo Duke on the coffee and not asking why Bo is alone in his house with Lana. Bo asks if Cheshire minds if he finishes the rest of his chores while there's still daylight. Cheshire says she'll get going. She notices a pack of cigarettes on a table. Lana tells Cheshire they're hers. She says she started after the meteor shower. "Nerves," Lana explains. "Acting," I advise. Cheshire suggests that Lana quit before they kill her, and lets herself out.
Outside, Cheshire calls on her shoulder walkie-talkie for all units to be advised of a 1011 in progress. This could turn into a real 12, if you know what I mean. "Oh, Sheriff!" Busey calls from inside. Shouldn't she have played it just a tiny bit cooler? Up on the porch, Busey somehow draws electricity from a wood beam and shoots a pinecone ball at Cheshire just as she's reaching for her gun. She goes flying the requisite thirty feet and over the police cruiser. Bo leaps off the porch horizontally, doing a major "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka move on Busey. Seriously, Bo, just based on that, I'd say you're WWE material. Lana yells, "Mr. Kent!" distracting Bo just long enough for him to get punched in the face by Busey.
Inside the house, Lana clobbers one of the Festers, but the other one is instantly at her back. She struggles. They wrestle. Lana sees a nailgun just lying around. She grabs it and nails Fester's hand to the wall. Ouchie. She stays in close enough range that he can smack her in the mouth. He rips his hand and the nail off the wall. The other Fester reacts with pain as well. "That really..." "...hurt!" the other Fester finishes. Oh, go chew your Doublemint gum. Busey yells for his minions to get their energy field up while he and Bo trade punches. Bo gets more of the stuffing knocked out of him. Shouldn't his heart be giving out during one of these attacks? Sheriff Cheshire emerges from behind her squad car so that we know she's not dead.
Inside the house, one of the Festers removes the painful nail from his hand. He and the other Fester lock hands and make an energy field. It's...well, energetic. Police cars drive up. One of them smacks right into the force field and messes up its front bumper and hood. Busey laughs. He drags Bo inside and throws him on the floor. More police cars arrive. Busey's frustrated: "Well, ain't this a right pickle?" I have no idea how to respond to that, but he's certainly asking it on the right show.
LuthorCorp. Clark somehow saved himself and is now climbing down a ladder. Chloe asks how he's doing. He says he's not crazy about heights. Clark asks what he's supposed to be looking for amid all these exotic pieces of metal and machinery. Chloe tells him to look for a really big door. It's a big area. But he finds a big door. Chloe asks him to look for a manual override switch. He does, and the door opens to reveal Chloe. Hello, nurse! She's sporting major Chloevage. Not that I was looking. Clark asks if Chloe had any trouble with the guards. She says that it's weird -- they're only guarding the outside perimeter. I smell set-up! "Wow!" Chloe says as they find a sealed metal door. Clark asks if she can get in. Chloe says it's controlled by fingerprint access. But...wait a minute...Chloe remembers she has a flashlight with Lex's thumbprint on it. Chloe's about to rock the Casbah.
Commercials. Does anybody really say, "I'm going to go see that new Al Pacino movie this weekend!"? When is that ever truly a great move?
Kent farm. The Sheriff presses her hand against the energy barrier, a deputy standing to her. The field wobbles. Cheshire bangs on it with her fist for good measure. The deputy asks what the hell this is. "Another day in Smallville," Cheshire answers.
Inside, the Festers are getting Festrated. Their energy is running out. Busey says that the completing each other's sentences thing is starting to grate on him. They want some serum. So does Busey. "Perhaps we should..." "...cut our losses" the Festers say. Busey yells that they're sticking to the plan. MamaKent quietly asks Lana if it's just her, or if these criminals are getting desperate. Lana whispers that Clark will find a way to get them out of this. MamaKent and Bo exchange a look that says, "Oh shitness!"
At LuthorCorp, Chloe is brushing the last good fingerprint off her flashlight. She asks sweaty Clark for some tape. The print comes off. She sticks tape on a dialogue box on a computer screen. Clark's cell phone rings.
Can you hear me now? How about now? In the energy field taking your parents hostage? Ha ha, loser. Busey tells Clark that his time is up. Just then, the security device accepts Lex Luthor's thumbprint. A switch opens. Clark tells Busey he's on his way. "You'd better be," Busey growls. He angrily closes the clamshell cell phone.
Chloe and Clark enter a room containing tons of glowing green liquids. "Who needs superpowers when you're around?" Clark asks Chloe. She beams. Clark reaches for a giant tube of liquid when -- OW! Electrical field. Clark grabs his arm in pain. Ouchie-ouch.
Kent home. Busey tells the assembled hostages that if Clark doesn't return soon, Busey's going to start killing some people. Probably the ones in this room. Starting with MamaKent.
Clark asks Chloe if she can disrupt the electric signal blocking the serum. Chloe says she could if she had a few more hours. She asks if Clark can request more time. They start to bicker a bit. Clark asks if Chloe can find out where the signal is coming from. She asks what he plans to do. "Whatever it takes," he mopes.
Outside the Kent home. Clark shows up driving the Kent truck. Wait...what? Wasn't the truck already here? The Sheriff tells her men to let Clark through. Clark goes to her and asks her to pull back her men. She reminds Clark that she's the one with the badge. Badge Madge, they call her. "I can stop this!" Clark insists. The Sheriff says this isn't the time for Clark to be a hero. "I'm not!" he cries. He says he's just a normal guy who doesn't want to see everyone he loves die. Somewhere in another imaginary scene, Chloe scoffs. The Sheriff tells Clark that even if she let him go through, there's an invisible barrier blocking the house. She asks how he plans to get past that. "With this," Clark says, holding up a cell phone. With just one call, Clark can vote for the American Idol! Woo!
Inside, Busey sees Clark and tells the Festers to lower the shield. "He did it," Lana says. Busey tells her to shut up; he says that Clark hasn't done anything yet. Ha! Lana gives him a dirty look. Clark, carrying a case, steps up toward the porch. Busey demands that the Festers raise the shield back up. "Come on, get it up!" he yells. Man! Pressure! Clark hands over the metal case. Clark tells the fidgety Busey that they must have done a real number on him at LuthorCorp. He sadly says that he didn't ask to be made this way. Busey clears off a table and opens the case, but not before telling Clark that the rumors about Clark must be true and that he's "really out of this world." Yikes. "You have no idea," Clark says. Can we put an official moratorium on that comeback? It's so, so lame. Busey opens the case. Flash grenade! Oops! Busey, blinded, stumbles around. Busey tries to grab some electricity, but Clark dodges, and the ball of energy hits the Festers instead. Clark picks up a mallet, but instead of hitting Busey with it, he hits an exposed electrical panel just as Busey is shooting an energy ball. Great, Clark. You'll be living in the dark for the year. Busey's power runs out. He keeps trying to puff out some energy, but there's nothing there. Clark drops the hammer (unwisely) and blocks a punch. He knocks Busey out with a punch of his own. "Sometimes it's easier just to turn the power off," Clark says. Well, it's no "Hasta la vista, baby," but it'll do.
Commercials. I've seen Shakira's English-language music have a physical effect on people, and yes, it does resemble dry heaving.
Kent home. The Festers are being led away in the red-lit hand clamps. "Get him outta here!" the Sheriff says of Busey. Busey stops, turns, and looks like he's going to say something to Clark, but Cheshire tells him, "Keep moving, Sparky." Lana says that the guy has "serious issues." Like you two don't? Clark hopes that Belle Reve can hold him this time. Amusingly, Lana says, "Or you can always knock his lights out again." She gives Clark a goofy look. Slowly, somehow, a Lana personality is emerging. I find it terrifying. But in a good way. Obligatory scene where the Sheriff grudgingly acknowledges Clark's good work. She asks if he ever considered a career in law enforcement. Lana says Cheshire's right; what Clark did was amazing. And super?
"Hi!" Chloe says brightly as she walks through the door. Clark plays it cool with a "Hey," and goes to speak to her privately. Clark thanks Chloe for all she did. She claims that she did what she always does; Clark's the one who took down three dudes without any "special advantages." She says once a hero, always a hero. Clark insists that this was a one-time thing, and that he's done with all that. Chloe says that he may have moved on, but other people aren't going to let that go. Clark tries to shut her up, but she's not talking about herself. She says that a second video feed was encoded in a tracking signal when they broke into LuthorCorp. "Someone was watching us," she says. Crap.
Lair of Lex. Lex is watching a video feed of Clark shocking himself on the laser electricity barrier at LuthorCorp. "This isn't possible," Lex mutters to himself. "Disappointed?" asks Clark. He's standing in the doorway in a blue flannel shirt. Lex closes his laptop and gets up, asking if everyone is all right. He heard what happened. Clark rears back and punches Lex right across the face. Hey, Lex. What did the five fingers say to the face? Smack! Lex, bloodied, asks what Clark is doing. "What I should have done a long time ago," Clark tells him. Rough sex? Clark lifts up Lex by the shirt and tells him he knows they were being watched in Level 3. Lex lies that he doesn't know what Clark is talking about. ...And he gets punched in the stomach and thrown down. Chloe also found out that Lex was at Belle Reve when the thugs escaped. Clark thinks Lex helped them to get out: "What did you promise them, Lex? Enough serum to last the rest of their lives?" Lex tells Clark he's being irrational. Clark says that the whole thing was a test. Clark says that Lex put Lana and his family in danger to carry it out. Lex starts to protest, but Clark punches him in the face again. Lex grunts on the ground. Clark: "I thought we could start over, Lex. But you're too obsessed with the past. And with me!" Clark whines. Sexy, sexy. Clark says he's through playing games. Clark tells Lex that if he wants to see what Clark's made of, he should do it himself. He throws a "Coward!" in there, too. Clark swings again, but Lex blocks it and throws a punch of his own, catching Clark on the mouth. Clark's lip bleeds. He looks at Lex triumphantly. "Satisfied?" Clark asks. Lex looks completely destroyed. Clark walks out.
The Talon at night. Clark shows up at Lana's apartment. Lana asks what happened. Clark says he was saying goodbye to an old friend. "You ever heard of a handshake?" she asks. Look, it's very late in the game to be saying so, but if Lana had better lines and delivered them the way she did in parts of this episode, I think we'd all like her character a whole lot more. A flat character coupled with borderline acting choices are what have made her so reviled. I don't want to hate this character, especially since she's never just going to go away. So, come on. Better lines. Better delivery. Less whispery angsty crap. Make her a strong, smart, occasionally amusing person and we'll accept her. Promise. Oh, and give her a job or something. What is it she's doing all day, anyway? Lana tends to Clark's busted lip. She sits him down on the couch as a jillion candles burn, a fireplace is going, and Coldplay is strumming away. Uh oh. I think Lana's chastity belt might be coming loose. Clark winces as Lana tries to clean his wound. "God. You're a mess," she says. She's not kidding. Clark says that with everything that's happened, he thought his life would be easier now. But, he says, you can't be certain what'll happen tomorrow. Oh. Just. Shut. Up. Lana says no, you can't. And that's the dialogue that leads to sex? Wow. Awful. I should have been a whiny moper in high school. Lana kisses Clark. She looks passionate for once. She backs away a bit and looks at Clark with teary eyes. She leads him to the middle of the floor. They kiss some more. She starts to unbutton Clark's shirt. The song, "A Message," continues. Lana admires Clark's bare chest. He takes off her shirt. We pan across some candles. Tonguage. Clark lays Lana down by the fireplace. They start to get it on as the camera pans away across Lana's apartment and toward an open window. We cut to an outside shot of the Talon's neon lights being shut off for the night. Pan up to the stars and a three-quarter moon. Will Lana get pregnant? Guess we'll just have to wait and see. Ha ha, Clark lost his virginity to a Coldplay song. Wuss.