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When last we left Smallville, it was an absolute wreck. And the town wasn't doing so hot either. Ha! I kid the long-running, revival-needing WB show. The town survives a crippling meteor shower only to be served by two pissed-off Kryptonians who are Brother From Another and Angry PR Lady. They lay waste to a helicopter, horrifying limping Lana, who badly acts on her way to try to save the town from these warriors of Zod (or Apple's iZod or some damn thing), who came out of a spaceship. Pissed. Clark finds the Fortress of Solitude which, unlike with most teenagers, is not an internet connection and a box of Kleenex. He holds an icy dildo of knowledge (first rule: thaw before inserting), and is suddenly scienced by floating symbols of schoolin'. Chloe is there, too, freezing her ass off. Clark tells Jarnelle that he wants to save her even if it means coming back and doing whatever his Kryptonian father says. Jarnelle is like, "Cool. Later." Clark takes Chloe to an Alaskan hospital (still counts as a hospital scene), and they have The Talk. Chloe accepts Clark completely even when she is surprised to discover that he's an alien and not a Kryptofreak. She tells him, in effect, to go get 'em Tiger, but with a little less Mary Jane. Bo and Lois find MamaKent in the wreckage of the Kent home and take her to the hospital. She's fine, despite having an entire house fall on her. Lois, Bo, and MamaKent have a run-in with the iZods at the hospital. They really like to do the Darth Vader Lift-'n-Choke thing. Lex asks Clark if he was in the caves, and Clark's like, "What's a cave?" Lex asks, "Are you lying to me?" Clark is like, "What's a 'lying'?" Lex gets very upset that Clark is obviously the worst liar on this or any other planet. So he storms off. Clark is like, "Damn, I'm brilliant!" Lex finds Lana staggering down the road and takes her to his abode when she collapses, but not before she tells him she just saw a spaceship. Lana wakes up at stately Luthor Manor and finds Papa Luthor acting crazy and scratching a symbol into the floor of Lex's office. Then he tells her, with cloudy eyes, that home is poison to the iZods. Lana takes the hint and tries to trap the Kryptonians with Lex's vault of Kryptonite. But it's Lana, so the plan doesn't work, and they turn to kill her. Clark shows up and manages to throw them into a portal they created with a metal ring. It's like poetic justice. Without the poetry. Or the justice. The iZods are trapped in a Bee Gees album cover, a flying glass square (like in Superman II) that floats away. Clark realizes that, somewhere along the way, he lost his powers. Oops. Clark tells MamaKent and Bo that he's happy to be normal. They don't think the adjustment will be all that easy. Lex finds Chloe in her hospital bed in Alaska and menacingly offers to take her home. Clark visits Lana at the Smallville hospital and asks whether she meant what she said about loving him. She asks him the same. They kiss. Deep in LuthorCorp, a Depeche Mode song plays (appropriate, no?) as we see that Lex has hidden the spaceship there. A puddle of black oil (yes, very X-Files) forms into a human shape. A James Marsters-like human shape. The episode ends on his appearance. So, cramming a bit much into one episode, are we? At least we're not dragging a back-tattoo storyline along for an entire season. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Hope you all had a good summer. Let's dive right in, shall we?
Previously on Smallville: they had a season finale.
Some weird painted colored lines on the bottom of the screen announce that the show is in HD. Come on, DirectTV -- HD locals, dammit! I still watch the show in standard definition due to my distance from San Antonio, so I'll never know if Lex is any more evil in HD. The flying diamond shard from the end of the last episode flies down to the snowy tundra and burrows into the ground. Clark, in his standard blue shirt and red Members Only jacket, watches. Did his hair get shaggier? There's a huge snowy collapse. The camera superzips back away from Clark so that we can see giant ice shards shooting out of the ground. Frigidaire's president at home yells, "Great God! The level!" Many CGI shards form a giant...what would you call it? A fortress of some sort? Yet lonely in some strange way. This really could just be a Dentyne Ice commercial. Superzip back to Clark's mild face. He starts trudging in the snow instead of, you know, speeding the fuck past it. We pull back to reveal...ugly modern architecture. It's a fortress of spikeitude. Elaborate music plays. The ice weasels cry, "Goddamn gentrification!"
Clark is inside the ice palace. Beams of icicles criss-cross above. Everything is tinted aqua-blue. Clark steps forward and finds a rack of jutting ice spears with a light coming from within. If you've seen the Superman movie, you've seen this set. An icicle floats out of the rack by itself and presents itself to our alien. What the Kryptonians need is a tasteful and simple labeling system. Clark gives the ice crystal a smoldering look like, "Hey, ice crystal. How you doin'?" The ice crystal tries to float away, but Clark reaches out and grabs it. It glows bright white. That's hot. Er, cold. Clark holds it in his hands, and in its brightness, it suddenly looks like the Giant Dildo of Ultimate Ho to the Yay. Use it wisely, Kal-El. You could rupture some blood vessels. "Kal-El, you have come far," Clark's Kryptonian dad suddenly says. Uh, we weren't doing anything! I was just, um, holding it. Geez, Dad, don't you knock? Heh, Clark has "come far." As Wing Chun says, they don't call this episode "Arrival" because they're trying to be subtle. ["Hey, you weren't supposed to attribute that to me! No one will respect me if they think I work blue!" -- Wing Chun] Jarnelle -- as I'm now calling him based on Clark's pronunciation -- says that one journey has ended and another one begins. Can this one be to an In & Out Burger? Because seriously, Jarnelle, we're starved up in this tundra. The camera pulls away. Yes, those are very pretty ice formations. "Welcome home, my son," Jarnelle says. Where do you guys keep the chips?
New credits sequence. They're very eh, blocky and three-dimensional. The sequence starts with a meteor hitting something and forming the word "Smallville." Can we wait and see if another meteor forms Veronica Mars or Chappelle's Show: Season 3? We get the meteor storm from the last season finale. Welling, with some serious stubble, rotates around and broods as a scene plays out to his right. That scene breaks up in blocks to show Kristin...er...Kristen...hey! They totally spelled her name wrong in the credits! Boooo! It's "Kristin," not "Kristen." Way to proofread, new title guys. Hey, I'm not a huge Lana fan, but that's just wrong. Switch to Lex, swinging a CGI-breakable object at Clark. Instead, the screen breaks. Nice big eye, Lex. is...Erica Durance as Lois? You're kidding, right? It's gonna be a loooong-ass season. Allison Mack is , looking, I must say, like a cigarette addict: smoking. John Glover is , with a return to hair-mane glory. Clark flips a tractor. Annette O'Toole has the soft-focus Glamour Shot, but we love her, so we won't criticize. John Schneider has great hair genes. And he's no longer passing pleasant wind in the titles. More random shots. Clark flies up into the sky. He zooms past the earth, and Al and Miles's names are huge over the Earth under "Developed for Television By."
Al: Take that, suckers. Our names are bigger than Canada.
Miles: Only if you put them together. Separate, they're each about two provinces.
Al: [Sigh.] Miles, why must you always rain on my gigantism?
Commercials. I drive a Prius and even I'm getting sick of these artsy-fartsy Toyota commercials. Like the last five minutes ofSix Feet Under weren't enough of a trite ad campaign.
We return to smoke. Yul Brynner? Are you dead and hiding in there? It's a giant dirt crater. Lana lies at the edge of it. She's got a pretty severe black gash on her forehead and Halloween-makeup blood dribbling down both cheeks. How much you wanna bet she'll have flawless skin by the end of the episode? A light glows inside the crater. We see two figures in silhouette. Lana gets up and limps down the hill. To make sure we get it, her entire right thigh on her jeans leg is caked with blood. Lana limps and almost runs into a tall black man, whom I'm told used to appear on Buffy as Forrest. He's got gold eyes and not much in the way of a facial expression. He's the Brother from Another Planet. Then Zena: Warrior PR Goddess shows up with what looks like a steel bustier. Rrowr. Oh, by the way, her real-life first name is "Alana," which should tell you all need to know about how she was cast. Lana turns from Angry PR Lady to Brother from Another and says, "Please don't hurt me?" Why does she only ask the black man that? The PR Warrior Goddess thinks, "Should we make the fans happy by hurting her or not?"
Sirens. Police cars approach. This won't end well, I'll bet. Brother from Another turns very slowly and calmly. A police chopper approaches, too. A fly-over shows all the chaos of the police arriving at the smoking crater. Lana limps out of frame. It's pretty funny. We see the spaceship inside the crater. All the cops get into position. Angry PR Lady eyejaculates some orange fireballs and blows up the helicopter. Lana, in a self-homage, is thrown forward by the fireball. The cops all start firing their shotguns at the pair of Kryptonians. (Mini-skirt much, Angry PR Lady?) Hey, the black guy didn't do anything. Why are they shooting at him? Man! Racist! The five million rounds of ammunition spent don't seem to do a damn thing. Brother from Another and Angry PR Lady just stare at the cops. Angry PR Lady's eyes turn orange again, and she blows up a police cruiser. Get hybrids, foolish Earthlings! Brother from Another starts contributing to the destruction. The camera swirls around them as they just stand there, not emoting as CGI fireballs shoot. That must have been tons of fun to shoot. "Just stand here, in your ridiculous black outfits, and stare, but don't emote. What do you mean you want to do something? We're not paying you to act!" More fireballs. More destruction. The Kryptonians almost cross eyejaculate streams, which I imagine would be very awkward. The cop cars are burning, but all the officers have mysteriously disappeared. Spoooky! Lana watches from the brush. "Where's the girl?" Angry PR Lady asks. "I want to critique her posture." So you guys can shoot fireballs from your eyes, but you can't hear a limping girl stumble off about twenty feet away? Brother from Another says, "She's irrelevant." If only, dude. If only. "We must find Kal-El," he says, seriously. "Dude owes me some money. He lost a bet on a game of Madden '06." We flash down to Angry PR Lady's midsection for no reason except to show that she has a black tattoo on her lower back. It's a "Z" with some dots and what looks like a tiny skin-colored fetus in the middle. All right, folks. I'm going to let you in on a Guy Secret. When we see a girl with a tattoo on her lower back, we think two things: "Slut." And then, "Giggity!" I'm not saying women with those tattoos are slutty. I'm just saying that's what we think when we see them. Since getting married, I now add a third thought: "What are her grandkids gonna think when she bends over to pick up a bag of potatoes in the kitchen? How horrified will they be, exactly?" Lana stares at the tattoo. I yawn loudly.
Kent Farm. Lois Lane spins into the driveway in Chloe's VW Bug convertible. Lois stops short of another smoking meteor hole in the ground. Shelby the dog comes over to try to make Lois sneeze. Aw, it doesn't work. Lois runs through a flaming crater instead of around it. She looks in amazement at the Kent home. It's pretty damned damaged, though not completely flattened. "Oh my God," Lois says, as she steps inside and finds wood everywhere. Where's the plaster and furniture? Bo is moving planks, trying to find MamaKent. Lois rushes over to help and calls out, "Mrs. Kent!" Bo falls. Lois calls for Clark, but Bo tells her that he wasn't in the house when it was hit. More searching for Mama. Some sparks fly. Bo is dusty and grubby. Lois spots a hand. "Here!" she calls. They dig out the matriarch. She looks pretty flattened. And bloody. "I'm gonna get you out of here," Bo promises. Lois says MamaKent's "barely breathing," which is not the greatest medical assessment ever. (The greatest would be, "He's dead, Jim.") Bo says MamaKent's going to be fine, then starts to cry. Bo says they're going to get her out of there, again. "Can you help me get her out of here?" Bo asks Lois. Yeah, you should have checked on that before promising. Out of character, Lois just nods. Bo lifts MamaKent's head. Crrrrraaaackkkk! So ill-advised.
The Caves of Contrivance. Small rocks are falling. A hand reaches up, and Lex pulls himself out of some rubble. Not Barney Rubble, incidentally. "Chloe?" he calls out. He asks where she went. Lex finds a cell phone on the ground. "Where'd you go, Chloe?" he whispers. He goes into the Chamber of Superhero Transit and sees the large platform with the octagon slot in the middle. Lex likey. He pulls out the octagonal piece. Ah yes. The Sexy Disc. There's a whooshing from behind Lex. He turns and sees Angry PR Lady and Brother from Another. "Everything's under control here, officers," Lex says, not spotting APRL's mini-skirt and shiny bustier, I guess. She x-ray-visions Lex and sees the octagon in his hand. "He has the key," she says. No telepathy between the aliens? She Jedis the thing out of Lex's hand to fly into her own. Brother from Another is like, "I coulda done that." Lex asks who they are. "Are you Kal-El?" Brother asks. Lex asks who wants to know. Unwisely. Brother grabs Lex by the neck and commences the chokening. Angry PR Lady circles around Lex and sees some blood on his neck. She says it's not Kal-El: Kal-El doesn't bleed. Brother flings Lex across the cave and into a wall. This is not Lex's day. Lex winces. The Kryptonians whoosh out of there at super speed. Lex sees it and is duly amazed.
The tundra. Chloe lies in some snow. She wakes up. Mystery music plays as she looks for Clark and calls his name. Massive zoom-in on her eye. We see the ice fortress reflected in her peeper. Pretty.
In the Fortress, Clark -- still holding The Penetrator Ice 5000 -- calls out that he thought Krypton was destroyed. Jarnelle says that it was, but that the geography of the planet was replicated in Clark's "Fortress of Solitude" for his training. Basically, you get $1,000 and an interior designer to see what you can do with the place while your neighbor does the same. Clark says there's a lot he can learn from Jarnelle. Pronunciation, for instance. But he has to get back home, where he's needed. But don't you like your barren ice replica? You could put the PlayStation 2 and the TV over by the, uh, ice thing. Jarnelle says that the meteor shower is just a precursor to a dark force that's been awakened from Krypton. "Dark" as in black? Solid. Clark considers his dildo. Then we see it from overhead and, my goodness, all it needs is some C-cells. Clark asks what Jarnelle wants him to do. Flash of light. Clark is surrounded by a tube of energy. Jarnelle says that Clark must do as Jarnelle says (not as he does) and study with diligence. Uh oh. Symbols and planets start to swirl around Clark. Aw crap, it's the Jedi training temple. I would do some Yoda-speak, but that gives me a headache. Jarnelle says that Clark's ability to learn is the only thing that'll save this planet. We...are so fucked.
Tundra. Ice to see you. Snow, how's it going? Cool, cool. Chill with ya later. Chloe approaches the giant ice megaplex. One second later, she's inside. She's shivering. She turns an ice corner and sees Clark getting home-planet-schooled. Yes, I see that there's a universe of knowledge swirling around your delicate and atrophied brain, Clark, but what's with the dildo? As Chloe approaches, some sort of ice attack shoots at her. Haduken! That's down-right fierce. She buckles and falls to the ground, freezing to death. Chloe gets frosty. "Clark," she says. This can't be good for her hair. Dramatic music crescendos.
Commercials. Say what you will about me, but I squealed with glee at the Harry Potter trailer. I'm not even ashamed. Elsewhere, in the Supernatural commercial, one of the quotes used is "OMG." The internet geeks have officially won.
Clark is trying to absorb basic fractions: "The world is...it's round? Holy shit! This changes everything!" Chloe whispers in his mind that if he can hear her, he should help. Over here, jackass. Put down the third-grade reading primer. The Schoolin' Field breaks. There's a blast of light. Clark looks woozy. "5 times 4" really burned those neurons up. Clark goes to Chloe. Jarnelle bellows that Clark must continue his education. Yeah, yeah, little green one, he'll be back after he loses a hand to Darth Vader, all right? Just take it easy, old man. Clark says that Chloe's his friend and needs help. Can't he just eyejaculate up some fire or a makeshift heading pad or something? Jarnelle says that Clark's destiny is greater than saving one human life. Unless that life belonged to Regis Philbin. In that case, Jarnelle might give Clark a pass. Clark says he won't let Chloe die. Jarnelle says that every time Clark puts his emotions into play, he risks the fate of the whole world. Yeah, ass. Jarnelle says that's his weakness. That and menstruating. Clark begs. He holds Chloe tightly. Jarnelle changes his mind, which is very un-Jarnelle, and tells Clark he can go on one condition: he has to return before the yellow sun sets. And before the white moon comes up. Because then Jarnelle will be red angry. So does the sun even set around here? Clark says he'll be back. Jarnelle warns Clark not to fail. Clark says that Jarnelle has his word. Not very convincing-sounding. Chloe, shaking, advises Clark that this might be a good time to switch into Super-Clark mode. "Super-Clark?" he asks. Chloe says she knows he can run faster than a speeding bullet. It would be lame except she's so cold that it comes out endearingly. "Take me along for the ride," she says. Clark picks her up. He zips out of the Fortress.
A country road. Lex, in his sleek silver convertible, is speeding along. Nice continuity with the bloody mark on his neck. Shot of Lana shambling across the road, unmindful of an approaching car. Apparently, her injury was so severe it affected her hearing, too. Lex brakes. Lana just stands there, a deer in the headlights. Would that it had happened when she was in the road about to get run over. Lex gets out of the car and asks what happened. Lana tries, hilariously, to limp down the street. Hey, Lex, tuck in that shirt. Lana says, "They're still out there. They'll kill us if they find us." She's doing the Elaine dance from Seinfeld. Lex offers to call a doctor. Lana says they're not safe. It's better to walk down the road at a tenth of a mile an hour than to escape in Lex's sports car. Lex puts his arms around Lana. She struggles and yells. Lex tells her she's in shock, and that it's over. Lana stops struggling and says, "There's a man and a woman..." Stop me if you've heard this one. Isn't there a rabbi in this joke, too? Lana says that they're right behind her and Lex. Lex half-turns, but knows Lana's full of delusions of pancakes. Lana tells Lex that the man and woman came out of a spaceship. Lex holds Lana by her bloodied head. "Where?" he asks. "Lander's Field," she says. Appropriate. Lex patronizes Lana, telling her that it's all right to be a fucking loon right now. Lana pushes Lex away with both hands. "Get out!" She says she knows what she saw. She limps away from Lex, back in the direction she came from. I'd snark some more on that, but she suddenly collapses. Damn you, Lana! Well played. Instead of rushing to help her or catch her as she falls, Lex just stares. Even he's getting sick of her shit.
Hey, it's a John Irving township. Mountains surround a cute little town where every building looks exactly the same, almost as if by Photoshop magic. A nurse is giving Chloe her call button. Clark stands in the doorway. Oh right. I recap Smallville. I almost forgot how much time I'll be spending writing about conversations in hospitals. Chloe is smirking a bit. She asks who's more freaked out: herself for being in a hospital where they deliver medicine by dogsled, or Clark, his secret exposed. Clark looks scared. "How long have you known?" he asks. Chloe mentions the quick exits, the miraculous recoveries, the lame excuses. She says that when she saw Clark catch a car like a beach ball, it confirmed everything. Chloe says she figured Clark would tell her he was of the "superpower persuasion" when he was ready. Staring out a window, Clark says, "You're a good friend, Chloe." Sorry he can't return the favor. She says, a little sadly, "Obviously not good enough." Clark whines that he wanted to tell her lots of times. Chloe doesn't blame him. She asks if Lana knows. Clark finally turns. "No," he says. Chloe says she'll never be the iceberg to Clark's Titanic, and that the secret will never leave her lips. Clark appreciates that. Chloe's poker face breaks, and she asks about a few "blind spots." She asks how they got to the North Pole, and what was happening in the Fortress of Ice Dildos. Clark says there are things about himself that even he doesn't understand. Feelings. Urges. Fluids. Clark says that the meteor rocks didn't give him his powers. "So you were born this way?" Chloe asks. Clark says he wasn't born near town. Or near this galaxy. Chloe has a moment of disbelief. She starts to say he's an alien, but struggles through it: "But you look so..." "Human?" Clark asks. Clark says he's still the same person. He starts to look nervous. Chloe shakes her head. "Clark, I..." Worrisome moment. "...I think you're so amazing," she finishes. She compliments him for saving lives with no credit: "To me you're more than just a hero. You're a superhero." She says that if more humans were like Clark, the world would be a better place. Coming from anyone else, this little speech might seem pretty lame. Chloe smiles. Clark smiles too, relieved. On a mounted TV screen, we see shots of the meteor attack on Smallville. Clark turns up the volume. Shot of the Kent home. "They didn't get out," Clark says, darkly. "My parents didn't get out." Chloe tells Clark that the town needs him more than she does. "Go," she advises. Twice. Clark zips out, almost taking Chloe's container of orange juice with him. She's a bit turned on. "Whoa," she says.
Commercials. Season 4 is on DVD. Relive Omar's darkest hours.
A short promo tries to recap the first thirty minutes of the episode, but doesn't really say much of anything. It's not that easy, is it, WB?
Exterior shot of a bright sun. Inside Lex's castle, Lana is lying on a couch. She wakes up to the sound of scratching. Except for some tiny punctures on her forehead, she's been cleaned up. Lana notices that her leg is busted. The scratching is coming from a lower level. She's upstairs by the bookcases. A figure in a suit is scratching something into the floor below. Lana climbs down the stairs, slowly. "Mr. Luthor?" she asks. Looks a bit like Gollum down there. Papa Luthor is scratch-scratch-scratching a symbol into the floor with what looks like an icepick. He grabs Lana's hand suddenly. Without looking at her, he says, "The Disciples of Zod." He looks up. Freaky cloudy eyes! Lana backs away in shock. "They must be stopped," he says. Lana asks if he's talking about the people from the ship. No, the other Disciples of Zod, Lana. The ones who work at the mall. Papa Luthor gets up. "Their home is their only poison," he says. That and Jack Daniels. Lana doesn't seem to understand. Papa gives an almost imperceptible sigh. He may be crazy and possessed, but even he is tired of Lana's shit. He looks over to Lex's open vault, where shelves house a bunch of Kryptonite. The rocks glow. "Their home is their only poison," he repeats. A lightbulb goes on over Lana's head. "Where are they?" she asks. What is he, Doppler Alien Radar, Lana?
Smallville Medical Center. There's lots of activity inside. MamaKent is in a hospital bed, Bo by her side. She's scratched up about the face, but awake. Bo -- a little bloaty this season -- smiles and says that she did a heck of a job scaring him. He thought he'd lost her. "I guess I found my way back," she says. She doesn't sound exactly thrilled about it. She asks if Clark came home. Bo says he's sure Clark is fine. It's not like he's ever in danger from week to week, right? Bo beams. Lois Lane enters without knocking, ruining the moment. She sighs in relief. She leaves the door wide open and says that MamaKent looks a lot better without a China cabinet on her back. MamaKent holds Lois's hand and says it's good to see her. Must be the drugs talking. Bo calls Lois a hero, which is a mighty stretch. Lois says they put a roof over her head; the least she could do was help when it came crashing down. In fact, that is the least she could have done. Smiles all around. Then there's a sudden explosion. Bo is thrown forward onto MamaKent. Lois falls. The windows were busted through. Bo leaves MamaKent and sort of runs/slides into the hallway. A steam pipe is busted, blowing smoke atmospherically into the proceedings as everyone runs around. The iZods, Angry PR Lady, and Brother from Another have found some plain black jumpsuits to wear instead of their earlier actionwear. "Where is Kal-El?" they ask Bo. "Who are you?" Bo asks. No wonder these aliens are pissed. Everybody keeps answering their questions with questions. "You know where he is," APRL says. Bo pretends not to know what they're talking about. Angry PR Lady lifts him by the neck. Lois comes over and makes a cutesy voice about putting the nice man down. Angry PR Lady throws Bo across the hall and into some equipment. Ouchie. Lois snarks to the "superfreak" that if they want to find Kal-El, she'd better work on her communication skills. Well, she did major in PR. Lois gets lifted by the neck. Lana, suddenly standing nearby, says she knows where Kal-El is. She says he's hiding out at the Luthor mansion. She offers to take them. Helpful! APRL drops Lois. The iZods grab Lana and take her away.
Kent home. Clark superzips into the wrecked house. He calls for his parents, but doesn't find them. Where's his x-ray vision? Instead, Lex walks in. Lex thanks God that Clark is all right. "Where's my Mom and Dad?" Clark asks bitterly. Yeah, how are you doing too, ass? Lex says that they're at the hospital. He updates Clark on MamaKent's condition -- concussion and a broken leg. Clark asks about Lana. "Lana's safe," Lex says. He adds that it's Chloe he's worried about. She's missing after being in the cave with Lex. Clark says she must have escaped. "Or someone helped her out," Lex says. He adds that, before he passed out in the cave, he saw a light brighter than anything he'd ever seen. Brighter than Streisand? Lex swears he saw Clark standing in the epicenter. Don't use big words, Lex; Clark's education isn't complete yet. "I was nowhere near those caves," Clark lies. Lex asks where Clark's been. Clark says he got a ride on a military van. If Clark doesn't move at all, he figures, the lie will be undetectable! Lex thinks that Clark is being less than honest, and asks why that is. "I have no idea," Clark asshats. Lex thinks lying is an unshakable habit with Clark. "I don't have to listen to this," Clark says. Right. Because you're the one lying your ass off. "Then be straight with me, for once," Lex says. It wins the coveted Gayest Look of the Episode. Gayest Line of All Time, perhaps. Lex puts his hand on Clark's shoulder. Come on, Clark. Didn't you at least bring back a gift for Lex from your trip? An ice dildo, perhaps? "If you're my friend," Lex says, with his hands on both of Clark's arms, "just tell me the truth." This won't end well. "Were you in the caves when the meteors hit?" Lex asks. Clark should just say, "Gulliblebaldmansayswhat?" "What?" "Exactly." "No," Clark lies. Your soul, Clark. I smell it burning. Lex exits, frustrated with his asshat "friend." You should go on Myspace.com or something, Lex. You'd find much cooler high-school-aged people to hang out with there.
Commercials. Everwood promoed with a Franz Ferdinand song? Am I still dreaming?
Smallville Medical Center. Lois is on the phone trying to tell the police about the iZods. Clark shows up. Lois hangs up, without finishing her conversation, and hugs Clark. He asks if she's all right. She puts a hand to her neck, but says she's fine. Clark goes to find his parents while Lois tries to explain about the dangerous iZods. Clark sees the minor destruction in the hospital. "What'd they want?" he asks. Lois says that they were looking for Kal-El: "Ever heard of him?" Clark asks where they went.
The iZods and Lana enter Lex's double-doored entryway (the legitimate one) as she continues with Worst Limping Performance of All Time. "Kal-El's in there," she says, directing them to the open vault door. Why did the rocks stop glowing? They step inside, and the green lights suddenly come on. Both of the iZods kneel and whimper: "It's a trap!" You think? "Get the door! Seal it!" Angry PR Lady demands. Brother from Another is like, "Why do I always gotta...ouch...dammit...fine." Lana stares with wide eyes. Why don't you kick them back through the doorway, Mulana? Brother from Another stands and sprints across the room. He grabs the giant steel vault door and neatly slides it across the room, closing the doorway. Nice one, Lana. "Lying is their way," he mutters. Mostly we sit in office chairs. "Not for long," Angry PR Lady says. They superzip to Lana's far side. She backs away, half-limping. They grab her and fling her thirty feet across the room. What is this, Concussion #5 in this episode alone? Lana crashes into a display case and gets knocked out.
Something superzips into the room. "I heard you're looking for me," Clark Kent says. Aw, geez. "I'm Kal-El," he says. And I don't come with a training bra. The iZods show an emotion. It's called "smiling." "At last," Brother from Another says. Now somebody else can do all the shitwork. Clark asks who they are. APRL says they're the last survivors of Krypton. "Thought I was beat by green rocks, I was flyin'/ Thought I was shot up by cops/ I was fire-blastin'/ I'm a survivor/ I'm gonna make it!" Clark asks what they want. They want Clark to join them and make "this savage land [their] utopia." So they started in Kansas, of course. Clark says he saw the hospital. It's not utopia; it's murder. And endless hospital scenes! Hell! Brother says those people have to be sacrificed for the sake of the many. Why, exactly? "Then sacrifice me," Clark says. He says he won't let them kill anyone else. Killjoy. Angry PR Lady takes off a clunky silver bracelet she got in Santa Fe and says that if that's Clark's decision, so be it. She tosses the bracelet. It flies at Clark. He dodges in slow-motion. It flies past and opens up a large purple portal. Clark, quick! Find a purple-portal eater! The iZods' eyes glow orange. They shoot fireballs at Clark. Clark is hit in the back and goes flying toward the portal. He manages to dig his hand into a chunk of marble in the floor. This is a bad day for Lex's tile work. Clark hangs on. Brother says they can lock Clark in a place where he'll never be able to stop them. Clark is pulled further into the portal. The iZods just watch, helpless. Clark hangs by a finger. The iZods turn their backs before Clark lands in the portal and say, hilariously, "It is done." Oh my God. That's just terrible. These guys need to watch some James Bond movies.
Clark launches himself forward and grabs Angry PR Lady. She flies backward and into the portal. Clark Captain Kirks Brother from Another in the chest, launching him back, also into the portal. This is just crap, folks. The portal suddenly isn't exerting any more pull. And Lex's den must have great sturdiness not to fly apart and into the purple hole. The portal converts into a Bee Gees album cover (or maybe it's Queen) and flies, the horrified faces of the iZods inside. Remember Superman II? Yeah, that. The flat pane flies past Clark and sails through a stained-glass window and out into wherever. It's sunset outside. And of course, Lex will end up paying for all of this damage. Clark spots Lana. She's waking up. Clark looks at the sunset. Looks back at Lana. Guess Jarnelle will just have to teach himself. Clark goes to help Lana up. Crrraaaackkkkk! He lifts her to the middle of the room and lays her down again to give her better light. She asks about the iZods. "They're gone," Clark says. He asks if she knows who they were. Lana shakes her head. Crrrraaaccckkk! The sun sets, quickly. "We need to get you to a hospital," Clark says. Noooooo! Clark notices that his finger is bleeding. That's...not good. There's an octagon-shaped disc on the floor. Clark grabs it.
Commercials. Why is JC Penney using the Target dog, minus the spot on his eye?
Kent farm. The shiny red family truck pulls up, looking pretty new, considering that the town was just destroyed by meteors. Bo and MamaKent get out and examine the wreckage. "My God. Our home," MamaKent says. Clark is standing by a dumpster, throwing away some wood. MamaKent crutches painfully. Bo says it's just plaster and wood. Their family is still standing and he thinks they're stronger for it. Tell that to the insurance adjuster, dumb-ass. "You're right," says Mamakent, not sounding too convinced. "A house can always be rebuilt." How about a leg? Bo says it doesn't hurt to have a son who's a one-man construction team. Clark takes off a pair of gloves as he comes over. No hugs? Clark has a scrape on his cheek. Bo tells him not to worry. He thinks things will be back to normal. Clark says they'll be more normal than ever: "My abilities are gone." Tragic Lifetime music plays. "How?" MamaKent asks. Jarnelle took them. Clark is looking on the bright side. He's always wanted to be normal, so...Yeah. Let's just call this show Normal Guy. I'm going to love recapping that. Bo thinks the adjustment is going to be a little harder than Clark thinks. Clark says that's why he's lucky to have his parents. They've always helped him to adjust to new powers. Now they can help him adjust to being lazy and shiftless. MamaKent is worried because Clark can get hurt now; he's vulnerable. Like he never got hurt before? Clark asks if that isn't what it means to be human. Bo -- clearly afraid of losing the Golden Farming Goose -- stutters that he can't imagine Jarnelle gave up that easily. Clark thinks Jarnelle is done with him. Wow, you didn't learn anything in that education chamber, did you? Clark says it's all in the past. He wants to step toward the future. Slowly. He plans to help rebuild the house, one board at a time. Bo thinks that's bullshit. But he doesn't say it. Clark helps MamaKent toward the house. This is the worst day of Bo's life.
Alaska. Chloe wakes up as a shadow creeps across her bed. "Clark?" she asks. Not quite. "Now how could Clark possibly be here?" Lex asks. Chloe says she doesn't know. She was dreaming. She asks what's going on. "I came to take you home," he says. Dark music plays. Chloe looks worried.
Medical Center. Clark exits an elevator carrying flowers. Lois is there to snatch them and pretend they're for her. "Too sweet for words," she says. Clark asks about the frog in her throat. It's the WB Frog. That's where he's been hiding. Lois, hoarsely (whorsely?), says that she got it from "Barbie the Barbarian." Lois says that the doctors advised not talking too much. "Aw, gee, that's too bad," Clark says. Where was Bo's raspy voice? Lois says she needs to catch a plane to Geneva to meet IRONSIDE! Clark thanks Lois for being there for the family. Lois gives Clark back his flowers and tells him where to find Lana.
One of the cooler songs on this show starts to play -- a new one from Depeche Mode. It sounds like every other Depeche Mode song you've ever heard, which in this case is not a bad thing. Lana, scratched up a bit about the forehead, is reading something in bed. She makes her grimacing squirrel face. It's an article with a photo of Jason Teague and Jane Seymour. "Socialite and son killed," it says. Well, they weren't killed at the same time. That's kind of misleading. An arrow points to the headline. It says underneath, "YOU OWE ME ONE," with the initial "L" below. Lex? Lionel? Larry the Cable Guy? Lana almost cries. Clark enters the room. She puts the newspaper away. Clark hopes irises are still her favorite flower. Lana says some things stay #1 forever. Clark says that, before the meteor shower, Lana said some things. Sexy things. "Three words sorta stood out," he says. Lana sputters that the sky was literally falling. She didn't know if she'd see him again. Clark says it was a crisis; sometimes people say things they don't mean. Long pause. "Clark...I meant every word," she whispers, smiling. It's not awful. Clark sits on the bed. "The question is...did you?" she asks. Clark thinks about it. He leans forward and kisses Lana. They look at each other. "No more secrets. No more lies," he says. "Yeth!" Lana thinks. Lana asks Clark if he believes in life on other planets. "Actually, I do," he says. Lana tells Clark she saw something in the crater: a spaceship. "It was unbelievable," she says. Clark uses the facial expression Blue Steel.
Crater. Clark walks up to the edge. There's a huge wedge in the ground, but the ship is gone.
LuthorCorp headquarters. We pan along the ceiling of a long steel corridor. The Depeche Mode song is in full effect and sounds great here. Two men in suits guard a door at the end of the hall. We sail through a small square window. Inside, the black ship is propped up. Below it, there's a gooey pile of black oil. It moves, forming coils along the ground. The coils rejoin and bubble. The bubbles form into jagged black crystals that rise up and form into a human body. The human shape turns around. It's James Marsters! With short brown hair. Creeeeeepy. We go out on that.
A title card reads, "In Memory of SAM LOEB (1988-2005). A True Superboy." Sam Loeb was the son of Smallviller Jeph Loeb and was himself a promising and talented writer. He passed away in June after a battle with cancer. We wish the Loeb family the very best and offer our deepest sympathies.
In the coming weeks: Clark and Lana...do it? Lois the stripper? Clark dies? I'm willing to bet that last one doesn't really happen. See you week, true believers.