It's our last dance for the season, you fine person, you. Will you share it with me?
This ninety-minute episode (give or take) is a prelude to the Batman Begins trailer (recap sold separately), so we get an incredibly goofy intro shot where the Smallville logo is sitting on top of the Batman wing logo. It's as dumb-ass as it sounds.
We begin with a rare set of "Previously on Smallville" clips, including: Clark getting psychologically schooled by Jor-El; the three Gay Stones of Knowledge (knowledge sold separately); Ned the Prison Nerd identifying that they stand for air, fire and water; Evil Clark flying; Chloe discovering Clark's secret; Clark and Lana getting back together; Mulana-Fu; Jason falling off the cliff; Evil Lex saying that he's the villain of this story. Damn, that's a lot of linking.
And now...the finale! Music of the Pensive Princess plays as Lana enters her Talon apartment at night. Jane Seymour -- one of the many people who just show up at Lana's place without a key -- walks right up from the shadows and says she has to applaud Lana. In what looks like a Chanel business suit covering a fugly black turtleneck, Jane is bitter that she raised Jason to have strong willpower, but that it wasn't enough to make him resist falling in love with Lana. Haven't you been watching the show, lady? That's its central premise. Lana strides across the room and asks, very seriously, "What do you want from me?" The Power of Pink! She must have it! Hand over the preternatural! "The stone," Jane says simply. Oh yeah. That. Jane wants the one Papa Luthor gave to Lana. Except that he didn't. Lana starts to say that he never gave her a stone, but, whups, Jane has pulled a gun on her. Jane -- a long way from Dr. Quinn -- is going to find that stone, dammit. Lana makes a few faces, then digs in her purse. It's a travel-sized Gay Stone of Knowledge, so she can take it just about anywhere. Lana uncovers the stone from its red silk wrap. Yep, that's a thing, all right. Jane just stares at it like it's the briefcase in Pulp Fiction, giving Lana time for a Pwetty Pwincess Woundhouse Kick! Lana tries to run, but Jane grabs her by the hair. She throws Lana against a lamp, then toward a baker's rack. Lana falls hard on it. More wrestling. Jane pushes Lana up against some shelves. This is some hardcore shit right here. The Overly Praised Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling!
More rasslin' and struggling. Jane and Lana land on the floor. Jane starts to choke the crap out of Lana. She grits her teeth and smiles as she does it. Lana's eyes suddenly glow pinky-purple. Jane gets scared. Lana throws her over. She reaches for the stone, which is, like, three inches away, but instead of just grabbing it, she uses Bullshit Witch Force to fling it toward her own hand. Fuck this Yoda shit. Lana/The Countess raises the artifact above her head with both hands, taking about twenty minutes to do so, during which time Jane Seymour makes no move to defend herself. The stone comes down. Stabby! It gets Jane right in the chest. She gasps. A white light comes from the wound and bathes Lana/The Countess. Lana looks like she's having an orgasm. Close-up on her back, where that pesky shaft-and-two-balls tattoo glows, then disappears. Lana opens her eyes. Jane dies. Wow, you can't really see it without HD, but Jane's got a case of the fur-face. The Countess is gone. Lana sees blood on her hands and starts to freak out. Did I do that? Lex is in the doorway, the top button on his black shirt unbuttoned. He's ready to party, murder-style. Lana shakes. Smell ya later, Seymour.
“ Clark is sleeping on the couch. Again. Is fighting with Lex all the time really worth it, Clark? Just kiss and make up, already. ”
Kent Farm at night. Tinkly mystery music is playing. Clark is sleeping on the couch. Again. Is fighting with Lex all the time really worth it, Clark? Just kiss and make up, already. The camera swivels on sleeping Clark's face. We start to see some lights on it. He wakes up suddenly, wondering what's up. The TV goes on, set to static. All the lights in the house flicker on and off. The gas fireplace turns on with flames. Flames, I tell you! A grandfather clock's hands are spinning, and the chimes go off. They sound exactly like the grandfather clock my parents bought in the Black Forest that used to go off at all hours of the day. An ancient radio on top of a mantle has a dial that turns back and forth like a windshield wiper. Clark thinks, "Electricity...I've always suspected...it's evil!" Shelby the Dog goes to the front door and scratches on it. Clark is about to have one of those close encounters of the turd kind, right in his pants. Clark goes to investigate. Dumb-ass. He opens the door and is bathed in bright white light. Oops. If he were wearing tights, they'd be soiled right now. Clark walks into the light. Outside, it's totally not even that bright in the front yard. Shelby barks. Clark looks to the sky and sees colorful light. We're basically seeing the aurora borealis here. Clark looks amazingly unimpressed with this celestial light show. Even Shelby is emoting more. Hey, I think I see the Virgin Mary up in those lights! The lights come together to form one very bright dot of swarming light. It blasts at Clark.
Clark wakes up, back on the couch. Weirdest nocturnal emission ever! And what's with all these bits of coal and crushed diamonds all over the couch? Clark shakes off his red front-cape blanket as Bo and MamaKent rush over to tell him he was having a nightmare. Season 4! It was all just a terrible dream! Bo, a little pissy, says, "You scared the daylights out of us with your screaming!" The proof: it's dark. MamaKent says that Clark was yelling, "It's coming! It's coming!" over and over. We've known each other a long time. I'm quite sure you're capable of writing your own dirty joke in this spot. Here's one to get you started: "So that was Lex's face in the sky!" Close-up on Clark. He breathes heavily. Afterglow.
Cut to: a meteor! It hurtles through the cosmos. There's a blue explosion within the rock, and it breaks up into smaller pieces. Hey, I think I see Bruce Willis in there. The CGI-camera swivels at the meteors pass. We cut to a complete rip of 24 as a countdown begins at "14:20:00.00" and quickly goes from there. This might be exciting if I didn't see it about eight times every week on the FOX network. We go to opening credits.
You know, without commercials, this episode is only about fifty minutes long. That's not even an HBO one-hour drama, much less a "special ninety-minute episode." Wankers.