Down With Robot Clark

S04E01

By Omar G

Deep in the Vancouver lair of the Smallville "creative" team, May 2004:

Al: I've got it!
Miles: Well, don't give it to anyone else.
Al: No, I mean I've got Season 4! In the bag, baby.
Miles: Bag, what, where?
Al: You know that desperation play we made in the last five minutes of last season? Where we tried to recapture everyone's attention after they'd gotten tired of us stretching out Season 3 like a cheap piece of taffy?
Miles: I was napping.
Al: We were all napping. I mean right after we woke up.
Miles: It sounds vaguely familiar. Was Lana in spandex?
Al: Shut up, shut up, shut up! Look, I figured it out: we're going to take all the things that people like about our show -- Lex having crazy adventures, obvious guest stars, Evil Clark, and sexy girls and mix 'em up! Look what I bought!
Miles: Is that...is that a blender?
Al: Not just any blender! It's the Blend-o-Tron 3550! It purees script elements and spits them out into slightly improved storylines! It even throws in CGI effects!
Miles: You're absolutely mad, Gough. Maaaad, I tell you! But goddammit, it just...might...work.

Welcome back, HoYay! playas and HoYay! playa-haters. It's the first episode of Season 4, and I already need a nap. Let's take deep breaths, adjust our memory foam pillows, and try not to get out boots too dirty as we wade through this.

Previously: I was having a margarita on South Padre Island. Then I came home to do this. Clark went bumblefuck and walked through a crevice in a wall. Papa Luthor got his head shaved. Chloe died, but not really.

Title card on a black screen: "Three Months Later." Chloe is speaking in voice-over from what sounds like a tinny TV set. She says she wants to provide some answers to what she's sure are the listener's many questions. "If you're watching this, it means I'm probably dead," Chloe says, as her fuzzy image appears on the screen of a familiar green flat-panel monitor. Chloe tells the listener that he or she is the one good thing in her life, and that she cares about the person more than he or she will ever know. We pull back from the Alienware monitor, housed in the offices of The Torch, to reveal a young woman with longish brown hair watching the video. "Please find out who did this, Clark," says DeadChloe. Wide shot of the newsroom as the young woman watches the screen. "You're the only one who can," says Chloe. Is it really such a good idea to put the onus of figuring out your own murder on Clark Kent? Dude can barely figure out how he feels in the morning. He's no Matlock, you know what I mean? The young woman looks conflicted. On screen, Chloe leans forward and shuts off the videocamera. It goes to static, which is absolute bullshit in this MiniDV camcorder age, but whatever.

We cut to a car driving down a dark Smallville back road as lightning flashes in the sky behind it. As the SUV barrels down the road, the woman from the newsroom is leaning her head in what can't be an ergonomic manner, speaking into a cell phone as she drives. "K-E-N-T," she spells out, but I think she misspelled the curse word most commonly associated with Ann Coulter. She's calling directory assistance about a "Kent Farm" and, as she swigs some coffee from a huge travel mug, she asks if farms even have addresses. She interrupts her own sipping to tell the person on the phone that the last "super-genius" (Wile E.!) she spoke to got her lost. She turned right on Route 31 or took a wrong turn at Albuquerque or something, and now she's lost. Er, speaking of Lost, the show that airs directly opposite this one on Wednesday nights, did you see it? Holy crap, was that awesome or what? Wait, what? You didn't see it? Because you were watching this show? Aw, dude. I'm sorry, man. Maybe you should look into one of those two-tuner TiVos. Or, you know, just watch Lost. I'm just sayin'. The woman driving mentions something about a "billion stalks of corn" which is like a thousand points of light if you're Orville Redenbacher. Lightning flashes around the car, and somehow it causes the cell phone she's holding to give the woman a little shock on the cheek, before suddenly shutting off. It doesn't even take lightning to do that to my Sprint PCS phone. Sometimes, I'll just say the word "Hello?" and the phone spits toxic melted silicon at my face and calls my grandmother a whore. I'm not the most satisfied customer, is what I'm trying to say. The young woman (who for now we'll call, um, "Laura...Lake") does a "That's just great" take and then pulls a cigarette from her car visor and tells herself that she'll be self-hatin' if she smokes it. So, we've gathered that this woman is a tad neurotic and impatient in that TV show way that all people from a big city are supposed to be when they go to a small town. Very Doc Hollywood. Laura...Lake is leaning over to dig in her purse when a bolt of lightning strikes the road right in front of her SUV. She scream-swerves, veering off the road. Corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn! Then the SUV stops. Good thing there was all that corn. Laura rolls her eyes: "Great, now I gotta deal with this shit." She looks up at the sky. Three disparate lightning bolds converge to form...more lightning. It's even less exciting than it sounds. No, wait, it did do something. It created some sort of bastard Yu-Gi-Oh! ball of energy that's heading right for the woman's vehicle. Her eyes widen. A bolt shoots right at the car. Take that, city folk!

We cut to a rear shot of the SUV. The right blinker is going as we pan up and see a pretty good-sized circle burned into a patch of corn. There are tiny little symmetrical fires that look very deliberate in that open space. Little CGI lightning bolts spell out the letter "S," which my wife has to point out to me because this show has killed the part of my brain that used to notice when people are clumsily paying homage to something every week. Laura Lake gets out of her SUV. She sees some naked white dude lying among the fires. "Oh my God," she says, and not in the Valley Girl way. It's Clark! He opens his eyes. Wait, didn't I see this last summer? In Terminator 3? Clark gets up. Then he stands. Did I mention he's naked? The camera stays low, though. "I'm huge!" Laura Lake asks if he's all right. Is anyone naked in a burning cornfield ever really all right? Clark doesn't answer. He's trying this silent naked thing for a while. Chicks dig it. She asks his name. He thinks, "Jell-O," but says, "I don’t know." Jell-O quivers a sigh of relief. Laura offers to take him to a hospital. "I am fine," says Robot Clark. I wish he had a Robot Dance to go with that. Laura points out that Clark is naked, just got hit by lightning, and doesn't remember his own name. She tries to be cute and funny, but then he turns around and she is humbled by his TV schlong. We see Clark's crack from behind. Why is it that every time we get a glimpse of Clark's ass, fire is always involved? "Behold my pene!" Clark says non-verbally as he leans back and Super Full Monty-sizes it. "Look at his face," Laura says cutely to herself as she averts her eyes. Then she looks down anyway. Nice cut, buddy. Clark stares at her as if to say, "Do you find my girth pleasing?" Laura Lake says she has a blanket in the car, and moves to go grab it, but not before taking another peek or two at the corn of Clark's cob. "Wait," says Robot Clark. It's like he's been programmed by Herbie Hancock. "Who are you?" he asks the girl. "Lois. Lois Lane!" she says, brightly. Good, because I was getting tired of typing "Laura Lake."

Opening credits. They are, of course, different. Same song, same meteor strike, but different cast shots. "Clark + Lana" gets a disproportionate amount of screen time (though not, to be fair, disproportionate given the number of times it's been crammed down our throat over three seasons); Jocko Whitney Lite has joined the cast as some sort of coach or something and Lana's new boyfriend. Good luck with that gig, friend. Papa Luthor has a Sports Illustrated Supermodel look going as the Daily Planet globe spins behind him. MamaKent blinks. Bo Duke smiles, and it's not as gassy this season. Clark has a gay rainbow flowing through him from a cave wall. (I'm not kidding. Go look at that part again for yourself.) Lana is still flying from a fireball. Lex runs through some ducts. And we get our first intra-episode spoiler with Clark flying before we see it in the actual episode. Thanks a lot, WB.

Commercials. Jimmy Fallon is starring in an upcoming film that looks like the worst movie you or I may ever see. Why am I so not surprised after thinking he was the worst thing on Saturday Night Live his entire time there, except on Weekend Update, when the damage he did was most contained?

We come back to the show's "filling time" ominous music as darkness is broken by some light, suddenly appearing from a circular hole. Oh my God, it's Nasty Nell, and the years have not been kind! Oh, wait, it actually is some old dude staring down a burrowed hole that looks like it was made of carwash sponges. Peek-a-booooo! "Piss Milya!" the old man says in a language that's not likely English. "Ananagay!" he announces. I concur. He motions to some other dudes in robes, and we see that we're in Egypt or Saudi Arabia or some other place with yellowed ruins and columns that are carefully placed at a diagonal against a facing wall by set designers. Everybody comes over and starts sticking their dirty hands in this one hole and I'm uncomfortably reminded of a video I once saw in college. The least careful archaeologists ever somehow manage to pull out an item without breaking it. It looks like a fourteen-inch tall Pharaoh doll you'd get at the airport in Dubai. Apparently, knick-knacks are huge in this country, because the old man holds it up and everybody starts chanting and smiling. Someone put a tiny Hannibal Lecter mask on the pharaoh's face. "Love yer suit," the pharaoh says, and he's talking about Lex Luthor's smokin' white suit, as the sexy bald man runs up a corridor with a trusty manservant. Lex is sweaty. More knick-knack celebrating. The old man kneels and presents the thing to Lex. In another language, he tells Lex, "It's duty-free!" Lex holds the thing in wonder. It's no cut Clark schlong, but he did come an awful long way to find this toy. Lex rotates the figure in his hands. The back holds a flat piece of stone that has what look like Kryptonian symbols marked in columns down the rear. Lex rubs some dust off. We get a close-up of the symbols. One of them is the Superman crest with an "8" in it like the one that got burned into Clark's chest a while back. Lex stiffens.

Smallville Medical Center. Home to my frequent nightmares. We hear a "ding!" as an elevator stops and Lois rushes out. Clark, wrapped in a cheesy red blanket, lags behind. Maybe it's cheesecloth. Lois pulls him out and tells him to keep up. "Why are we here?" Clark asks, "Error. Function does not compute." Lois wants to get him checked out. Clark: "I am. Fine." Clark's developing a very decent John Kerry impression. Lois diatribes that few people survive lightning strikes, and that even fewer get picked up by well-meaning strangers. Lois finds an Attending and tries to pass Clark over to the guy. Lois explains the amnesia, and tries her damnedest to get out of there as quickly as she can. The Attending tells her that until the police arrive, Clark is her responsibility. Clark wanders around, looks into a mirror, wonders why he feels like he's been here 10,000 times. As he's examining a statue of a cherub (oh God, NO!), Clark slips off his red blanket. Hey, there's a stuffed monkey holding a sign in the corner! An elderly Asian lady walks behind Lois and sees this naked man about to mount a cherub. She gasps as if she's just seen the Rosetta...er, Stone. She gives a very exaggerated up and down look. Lois smirks and tells the Attending to get Clark some clothes. The Asian lady looks like she just had quite the silent orgasm. I don’t remember who said it in the forums, but I too was reminded of Margaret Cho's mom yelling, "Ass-a-BANDITS 4!" when I saw this. They let the scene linger for a few seconds longer than is really necessary. Clark's a hit with the old ladies. We get it.

Jaunty music plays as we get a glimpse of the Eiffel Tower. Ooh, we're in Amsterdam, awesome! This song really sounds like it should have a title like "I've Got a Good Thing Going," or "We've Got Daisies in Our Pockets," or "The Children Will Bleed When We Lull Them With Clown Music then Gut Them From Toe To Sternum." It must be by the Polyphonic Squeeee! We pan over, and the street sure does look like Paris. Folks are gorgeous, a woman is painting on the sidewalk, and there are no pick-up trucks. The sign says Rue de Bastille. I just went to Paris in May, but if you're looking at me to vouch for the authenticity of the location, you've got the wrong recapper. I got lost about twelve times with all those crappy little curvy streets and "Rue de Montmartres" everywhere. My wife was ready to divorce me after I made her walk two hours looking for a tiny bistro that ended up being closed down. I will say this about Paris: it's totally, totally French. Lana Lang shoots photos with what seems, by today's standards, like a very large camera. Posters of Lex Luthor on the cover of Forbes magazine adorn a post near her. "Le Sauveur de Luthorcorp?" it asks. Lana is wearing black and even has a goth-looking ring on her left hand. I'm guessing we're supposed to believe that France has made a woman out of Lana Lang, and that the time to put aside all things pink has finally come. Oh wait. Lana's shooting a photo of two beret-wearing children of milk maids carrying matching satchels. Sigh. What are we going to do with you, Lana? Lana thanks the kiddos and starts walking down the street. Dudes whistle at her. Because there are no hot girls in Paris, apparently. Lana, distracted, bumps into a guy who looks suspiciously like Ryan Seacrest. He asks if she's American. Close. The guy, who looks too old for Lana, rambles on about his girlfriend, or rather the "not really" girlfriend he met at that exact spot two months before when he nearly clipped her with a Vespa. He bought the girlfriend something: a motorcycle helmet. He asks Lana's opinion. Lana doesn't seem impressed. He recounts how he injured himself and had to go to the hospital, and how the girl went with him and they clicked. They play around the fact that OH GOD, HE'S TALKING ABOUT LANA! Just get on with it! He alludes to the fact that she's been hurt, and that he really likes her and, oh dear Lord there's syrup coming out of the speakers on my TV. The dude says he wants to take his girl on a weekend trip to Nice, which does sound nice. Lana says that's so romantic she has to just KISS HIM! She does. A significant portion of my soul withers away like flash paper watching this. Lana agrees to go to Nice. Lana's boyfriend wishes her a happy anniversary. The expense of a crane shot is employed to show us they're really kissing on the sidewalk. Money well spent, guys.

Hospital. MamaKent is reading from The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn to Bo Duke, who is lying in a coma. It's Huck talking to Jim about the dead man. A doctor comes into the room, interrupting MamaKent. The doctor asks if MamaKent has thought about what they talked about earlier. MamaKent tells her that she's not pulling the plug on her husband. Presumably, neither are the producers. The doctor points out that it's been three months, and that there's been no change. She says that the insurance is capped out, and MamaKent needs to think about the future. MamaKent's lips quiver. "My future is lying in that bed. I will not give up on him," MamaKent says, with a tinge of anger. She sits down. Thus ends this portion of "Defending Bo's Life."

Lois Lane, still at the hospital. Clark is staring at her as she digs through her purse. Clark starts to leave the exam room. Lois tries to stop him. She sits him back down and does cute little "Stay. Good," movements. There's something I like about her more than Lana and I can't quite place it...oh, wait, I've got it! It's that she acts like a person! That must be it. Lois says she's in town to investigate her cousin Chloe's death. She asks if Clark's heard of her. He doesn't answer. Lois takes a piece of gum and pops it nervously in her mouth. "Nicorette," she says. Lois says they're the only things that get her through the day. That and Sex and the City. Lois needlessly explains that, when she was fifteen, her dad told her not to smoke, so she did, and then she couldn't stop. I could see how this character might get annoying in a way that Chloe never did. "You talk a lot," Clark says. Exactly. Lois blames Clark for his lack of conversational skills. She looks at her phone, then the wall clock, and complains about the forty-five-minute wait. Clark gets up behind her and starts to walk out again. It's not exactly Hepburn and Tracy, is it? Lois tries to stop him, telling Clark he'll have to walk through her first. Clark picks her up by the shoulders and moves her aside like a piece of foam. If it were Lana, the analogy would be a lot more accurate. Lois smiles to herself. She's thinking there might be some hot loving in that formerly naked guy.

MamaKent is in the hospital hallway getting herself a cup of coffee from the machine. Clark, in blue scrubs, walks down the hall toward her, then takes a corner turn. "Wait, WAIT!" MamaKent screams, and takes off after him. Lois is there, too, asking what that was all about. MamaKent spins him around. "It is you!" she cries. MamaKent hugs him. "Who are you?" Clark asks. Ooh, Mamaburn. She says she's his mother. Clark looks at her as if she were an amusing squirrel. Lois tells MamaKent not to take is personally. You know, amnesia. She pumps MamaKent with a handshake, and says she found Clark near Route 31. "Guess I'm a sucker for stray dogs and naked guys," says Lois. MamaKent gives her the Mom Look. Lois backtracks and says that didn't come out right. No, I think it did. She tells MamaKent that it's late, and that she's nicotine-deprived. So now Clark's mom thinks you're a chain smoking whore. Nice. MamaKent offers to get Clark home. Clark says he's waiting for the sign. Lois suggests a doctor; she thinks the lightning fried Clark's brain. Now MamaKent thinks you're a chain-smoking crack whore who wants to take away her son. MamaKent tells Lois thanks, but that this is a family affair. See, this is an X-Z conversation, so Y you in it? "Here's me backing away," Lois says, as she does just that. If they write her well, she could end up being one of the best characters on the show. Let's keep our fingers crossed. MamaKent spins to Clark and says they need to go home right now. Clark is dazed. "I can help you find the sign," she says. What sign is she talking about? If it's the one I'm thinking, I might have seen it. I can tell you that it truly opened up my eyes. What I learned is that life is demanding without understanding. MamaKent pulls Clark away and toward the elevators. Hey, lady, those scrubs aren't free, ya know! Lois runs into the Attending and tells him that the naked guy's mother took him away. The Attending recognizes the family from their Frequent Medical Care punch card. He says that's Martha Kent. "Kent?" Lois asks. "As in Clark Kent?" She rushes to the elevator, but it closes. And Lois has never heard of the country invention we know as "stairs."

The desert. A jeep is driving past a dusty sign with an airplane on it. It reads "L___ball" and the handy translation, "Airport." Lex is in the jeep, his shirt partly unbuttoned, and he's sweating up a storm. He looks as if he's hungry like the wolf. Some professor-looking guy in the front seat asks if the heat is too much for Lex. Does he even know whom he's talking to? Lex, who looks nauseated, says he doesn't want any record of his visit to exist: "Bury everything." He hands over an envelope full of cash. "We will be like footprints in the sand," the man says, smiling. Lex winces. That footprints remark isn't so reassuring when we see a wide shot of the dirt road and there are TONS of what look like ATV tire tracks. Yeah. Money well spent, Lex. The jeep drives toward a waiting airplane. Lex boards it. A blonde doctor is waiting inside. "You're two hours late," she tells him. Lex says that some things are worth the risk. Like Nutella. "What's more important than your life?" she asks. On this show? Lana's life.

Lex and the doctor go to the back of the plane, which has been converted into a high-tech and blue-neon medical room. She exposits about Lex's surviving a massive chemical shock that would have killed 99.9% of men. Lex takes off his shirt and shows us why the ladies and gay men love him. He asks her to spare him the lecture. The doctor explains that if Lex doesn't have his blood purified every seventy-two hours, his internal organs will shut down. As long as his external organs are still working. She attaches some painful-looking nipple clamps all over his chest. "You're living on borrowed time, Lex," the doctor says. "Stop trying to borrow more." Blood starts flowing through tubes as Lex breathes heavily.

Kent Farm. The Barnness of Forgotitude. "What is this place?" Clark asks, as MamaKent leads him up to the loft. MamaKent says that Bo calls it Clark's "Fortress of Solitude." MamaKent says it's where Clark comes to think (he's hardly ever there, I suppose) and look at the stars. She tries to get him to show some interest in his telescope. Clark, instead, goes to nuzzle the globe placed to it. MamaKent grabs some small picture frames and hands them to Clark to jog his memory. One is a candid shot of Chloe and Lana, looking like they're out clubbing. Clark asks who they are. "People who love you," MamaKent says. She asks where he was before he showed up in the corn field. "I was in a place that felt like home," says RoboClark: 2084. MamaKent tells Clark that this is his home. Clark should say, "This would feel a lot more like home if there were a flat-screen LCD HDTV screen on the wall." Clark looks at a cheesy photo of Bo. He recognizes him. "He's not my father. He tried to prevent me from being reborn," Clark says -- robotically, natch. MamaKent argues that Bo was trying to save Clark from Jor-El. "Either way, he's dead," Clark says, and drops the photo, smashing the frame. Clark stalks off while MamaKent is left in shock. Dynamic Alias-sounding music starts to play.

Lex's airplane is flying fast through the air. Still think it's a bad idea to remind people of Lost on this show, guys. Lex, lying in treatment, holds the pharaoh in his hands. And no, that's not what the kids are calling it these days. The plane starts to hit some turbulence. Lex fumbles with the figure, and it tumbles out of his hands and lands on the floor, smashing. "Agh, no!" Lex tries to get out of bed. The doctor stops him. She tries to collect the pieces for Lex. One of them is a crystal shard with a symbol on it. Lex grabs it. It starts to glow.

Cut to outside the Kent barn. A piercing noise causes Clark to scream, holding his hands to his head. He's picking up XM radio! The noise stops suddenly. Clark swivels and looks toward the sky. Then the camera cuts and cranes down on him again. It would be funny if they just kept showing these overly dramatic shots over and over, like maybe eight times. MamaKent goes to Clark. "I am Kal-El of Krypton," he tells her. "It is time to fulfill my destiny." He's going to join the circus? "Destiny!" MamaKent spits. "Destiny sucks balls!" MamaKent shakes Clark about the cheeks and yells that it's Jor-El talking. "I want my son back," she cries. "Give me my son back!" That Annette O'Toole is acting her ass off here. "Clark Kent is dead!" Clark says, not returning the acting favor much. He tosses her aside. Overhead crane shot as a pool of CGI force starts to collect around Clark. Either he's gonna fly, or this is going to be one earthshaking fart. The camera swivels around Clark as more force collects, like that shot of Neo in The Matrix where he also, improbably, flies. More Bullet Time as Clark leaps, taking off like he's freakin' Rocket Boy. MamaKent falls to the ground. She looks up and sees Clark shoot off toward the stratosphere. She knew he'd leave the nest someday, but not like an actual bird. Clark flies through the air and through some clouds. The he sails right toward us, arms behind him. Wow. Clark is flying. Are you as giddy as I am? No? Yeah, me neither. I was totally not giddy there. I just had a little something in my eye. I think it was, um...like dust or something.

Commercials. Based on the one short preview I've seen of The Mountain, with the busty woman and the sex on the table, it looks like it should be called The Mountin'.

France. Notre Dame. For a minute, I thought it was The Louvre. Or as they call it in Green Bay, "The Favre." Chanting music is heard as Lana lets a nun step past her. Or is that "Pastor"? Somebody grabs Lana, shoves her against a wall, and starts kissing her. Monsignor Patrick, NO! Wait, Lana's a girl. Never mind. We had nothing to worry about there. It's actually Lana's boyfriend, who is called "Jason Teague," so I'm just going to call him that from now on. We cool? Cool. Lana looks seriously pissed, and tells him that they're in a church and that she has an art history project to finish. It is Too The Sexy. For Lana, at least. Jason says that when Lana invited him to an old crypt for "brass rubbing," he thought it meant something else. Lana tells him he has a dirty mind. What she actually meant was "Brass Ben-Wa Plugging." But later. Jason tries to kiss her again, but Lana pulls away, moaning. Candles are lit everywhere. This week's special guest is Sting, and he'll be singing "Wrapped Around Your Finger." Jason introduces Lana to her art project: a woman in a crypt named Countess Margaret Isabelle Thoreaux who, near as I can tell, is fictional. Jason says she was a warrior princess who kicked a lot of ass and broke a lot of hearts. Neat. Jason tells Lana that she and Margaret have a lot in common -- they're uncompromising, strong, and beautiful. When is Lana not compromising? Lana wants to get to work. Jason bails and says he has a hot date to go plan. It's Lana's birthday, too. Lana's annoyed that he knew when her birthday was. "Stop talking. Start rubbing," he tells Lana when she keeps asking questions. I remember when a line like that on Smallville was enough to get everybody going. Too bad it's being directed at Lana. Jason says, too loudly, that the festivities begin the day at 10 AM at the Café de Fleurie. Nice French accent there. He gets shushed and goes. Lana giggles. She goes to the on-the-floor engraving and whips out her paper and charcoal. She rubs and...oh Jesus, don't make me type this. Crap. Ahem. "The beautiful woman on the crypt looks an awful lot like...why, Lana Lang! Do you think there may be a connection?" That's another 10% of my soul. Gone. There's also a funky symbol at the bottom of the drawing that looks like it should be on the side of a tennis shoe. Lana moves to touch the symbol, and it glows. Then it shoots out a ray of light that engulfs Lana as she leans back. White light continues to flood the room. Maybe this warrior princess made whatever was in the Pulp Fiction briefcase.

Clark is still flying. He's thinking, "That was the best heroin ever!"

MamaKent is on the phone, telling somebody that whatever she's talking about can't wait a few days. She needs to speak with someone, regarding Clark. Lois Lane, wearing a tight red top, says, "Hey," in the doorway. She lets herself in without being invited, so we know she's not a vampire, at least. Lois cheerily says she tried calling earlier and kept getting a busy signal. "I don't know how you survive without Call Waiting!" she says. MamaKent looks completely stunned. "Where's Clark?" Lois chirps, looking around the living room and kitchen. MamaKent lies that Clark is upstairs sleeping. She blocks the stairs so that Lois won't go up. Lois spots some coffee brewing and says she's been dying for a cup all day. She calls Smallville "the town that Starbucks forgot." She heard the only coffee shop in town shut down. "The Falcon, or something?" Hee. MamaKent starts to try to throw Lois out. Lois interrupts her to say that she's looking for clues in Chloe's death. "I'm so sorry for your loss," MamaKent says, concerned. Lois is like, "Yeah, well. Whatever." She asks if Clark and Chloe were ever an item. MamaKent says, "For about a minute." Lois jokes about falling for "the farmboy type." MamaKent says that can happen to the best of us. "Give me a nerd with glasses any day of the week," says Lois. MamaKent has cheered up considerably, and tries to hook her son up, even though he's not speaking to her. "Clark has many sides," says MamaKent. Yet they're all square. "Yeah, I've seen several of them already," Lois jokes before quickly moving on to the subject. She asks, speaking of which, if Clark will be "up" anytime soon. Hee, again. Lois gets serious. She says that Clark is her only hope in solving Chloe's murder. The FBI closed the inquest and ruled the house explosion an accident. "How many gas leaks do you know of in a safe house?" Lois asks. She says that in two weeks, Papa Luthor will walk free. Near tears, she says that Chloe's death will have been for nothing. MamaKent says she'll have Clark call if he remembers anything. She doesn't ask for a number, though. Lois says that in Chloe's notes, she mentioned that MamaKent used to work for Papa Luthor. She asks how MamaKent got away unscathed. "I didn't," she says. MamaKent takes her coffee cup and says, "Goodbye, Lois."

Lex's fast jet. He's still holding that glowing piece of...what is it, white Kryptonite? He's got his shirt open, and the doctor is checking medical equipment. The pilot notices a blip on the radar. It's fast approaching. The co-pilot says, "What is it? Bird? Plane?" It's a flying piece of cheese! Hooooly shit! Evil Robot Clark flies toward the plane. He grabs the side door and pulls it right off. Lex and the doctor fly around the cabin. Clark struggles into the plane, and then just stands up neatly, unaffected by wind or anything else. He raises a hand and, Jedi-like, pulls the clear shard toward himself. The piece flies through a door and into Clark's waiting hand. Lex looks up, and it's sort of up for debate as to whether he sees Clark here or not. It looks like he didn't, but you never know. We cut away from Lex's eye peering through the hole in the door toward the spot where Clark was just standing. Commercials.

That new Sims commercial creeps me the fuck out. Those little creatures running around the couch? You all like that?

Kent Barn. MamaKent is picking up the shards of her husband's photo. "I’m afraid that the answers that you're searching for won't be found in this barn," says a new voice. Holy Margot Kidder! Now, let me just preamble here. We know what happened to Margot. She knows it. We know it. Access Hollywood sure as fuck knows it. So let's not pretend it didn't happen. In fact, while we're talking about stars of the Superman movies, let's just say that the two leads haven't exactly had the greatest luck later in life. And yeah, Margot's got some dentures and her speech isn't as crystal clear as it once was, so let's put that out there, too. But she and Christopher Reeve starred in some movies that more than just about any others pretty much were it during my childhood. And that has to count for something, right? So, respect and no cheap shots here. That's it. I've said it. Now let's move on. Margot introduces herself at "Bridgette Crosby." She says Dr. Swann sent her. Margot is wearing a black suit with a wide-collared open white shirt. MamaKent wants to talk to Swann directly. Bridgette says she can understand MamaKent's reluctance to talk to someone else about Kal-El. MamaKent is pissed that someone else knows about her son. Bridgette clarifies that Clark's secret hasn't left the Foundation. MamaKent gets annoyed and says she wishes they'd never contacted Swann in the first place. Bridgette says that Clark's destiny was set long before they met. "You don't know anything about my son!" MamaKent yells from across the room. Bridgette takes a long moment. "You're right, I don't," she finally says. She says she does know how it feels to love someone with a greater calling than one's own. "You and Dr. Swann?" MamaKent asks. "In a different lifetime," Bridgette says. She takes MamaKent's hands and says she can help. "Now, where's your son?" she asks. MamaKent says she doesn't know. "He flew. He flew away," she says quietly. Bridgette says that Clark has completely embraced his Kryptonian destiny. Now he's gonna start listening to Kryptonian music and wearing Kryptonian dreadlocks and telling anyone who'll listen how The Man is always trying to keep the Kryptonians down. MamaKent asks if Bridgettte knows the destiny. Bridgettte says that the symbol burned into the Kent field three months before was the symbol for "Crusade." Couldn't they have sent the symbol for "Patty Melt" or "Keg Party" instead? MamaKent says she knows that Clark is deep in that robot body somewhere. Bridgette says carefully that the only challenge to a father's will is...a mother's love. Moms have cookies, too. Those usually win out in the end. MamaKent says she can't face Clark alone. Bridgette busts out a tiny case with a black rock in it. She says it's "Black Kryptonite." It seems a little bigger than the white Kryptonite. "You're his only hope," she tells MamaKent.

The evocatively named "U.S. Penitentiary." Inside, Lex is visiting dear old Papa Luthor. Lex has a bandage on his head. Lex marvels that his dad is in great shape. Papa Luthor is doing push-ups with his feet on a bench and his hands propped up on thick books. He's wearing a wife-beater and orange pants. And his hair is growing back. All in all, I'd say: Magnificent! Papa Luthor, who's supposed to be dying, instead pops to his feet and challenges Lex on that Forbes article. He points out that they called Mussolini a savior. Not on the cover of Forbes, they didn't. Papa Luthor looks a bit turtle-like with his new 'do. Lex blames his dad and his murder charge for LuthorCorp's woes. Papa Luthor counters that "gallivanting" around the world on a fool's journey won't help either. Papa Luthor's been keeping tabs. Lex asks how Papa Luthor broke into his jet at 20,000 feet. Papa Luthor notes that Lex looks pale. "Where is it?" Lex asks. Papa Luthor doesn't know what he's talking about. Lex tells a story: there are three relics hidden around the world by scientifically advanced ancient cultures. Wait, how did they communicate across the globe? Ancient Chinese Satellite Phones? Lex says that if those relics are united, they'll offer a library of knowledge. Wait, I've totally played this videogame before. Except the main character was a busty woman carrying two guns. Papa Luthor, who recently tried to re-animate corpses, says that Lex is living in a fairy tale. Lex says that Papa Luthor finances six expeditions himself for these objects. Papa Luthor plays it off. Lex asks if Papa thinks the artifacts can save his life. Papa Luthor says he doesn't have time for foolishness; he's about to stand trial for murder. He adds that when he's cleared, his enemies will feel his wrath. "Like Chloe did," Lex says. Papa Luthor says she was the victim of a tragic accident and didn't deserve to die. "But I did," Lex says. He asks if that's why his father poisoned his brandy. They start to bicker, Lex saying he lay there for ten minutes before an ambulance came. Lex says that the dosage would have killed an ordinary man. "But apparently I'm not ordinary," Lex says. Papa Luthor says, "No, you're not. You're my son." "God help me," Lex contributes. Lex advises that Papa Luthor shouldn't wound what he can't kill.

The Caves of Story Contrivance. Clark, wearing a black shirt, puts his hand on the cave wall's octagonal hole. It lights up immediately. It's been turned into a natural history museum's interactive exhibit. Clark puts his hand on it again and taps three buttons. Green, yellow, and red. It's Simon! All the symbols spin around. A wall moves, letting out white light. Clark walks toward it. He moves toward a flat surface with a giant round light on top. Clark puts the clear relic in the middle, where there's room for two more. Even brighter white light flashes.

We cut straight to Paris, where Lana awakens with a start in bed. Something is knocking on the door. The room is bathed in amber light. Lana, sweaty and naked, pulls a sheet over herself. She climbs out of bed in the nicest study abroad room in the history of the program. We pull back and see the charcoal sketch of the warrior princess propped up on an easel. The wind from the window is apparently incapable of knocking it down. Lana slowly goes to answer the door. She opens it a crack. It's just Jason. He says she was supposed to meet him. He asks if she's all right. Lana, shivering, says she doesn't know how she got there. She says she must have passed out. She closes the door after saying she'll meet him downstairs.

Clark in the caves. He's walked out. MamaKent is waiting for him there. He tells her she shouldn't have come. MamaKent is like, "Bitch, I’m your MOM!" She pulls the black Kryptonite from the container and jabs it right in Clark's chest. It goes purple. MamaKent tells him that if Clark's still in there, she loves him. Evil Robot Clark steps back. He screams and shakes. It's suddenly a Tool video up in here. A second Clark emerges from the first's body, and I have an awful Jonathan Taylor Thomas flashback. More CGI as Clark and Clark start to fight. The two Clarks do some extreme ultimate fighter championshipping. "Humanity has made you weak," one of the Clarks says to the other. No, I think that was all the scripts. MamaKent continues holding up the Kryptonite. She tosses it unconvincingly at the Clark who's getting his ass kicked. He catches it and sticks his fist into the other one's chest. Light spills out. A huge bright flash goes off, throwing MamaKent against a far wall.

Cut to Bo Duke, in his hospital bed, suddenly waking up. A nurse runs in just as it happens.

Cut back to Clark, shirtless but wearing jeans, on the cave floor. MamaKent apparently wasn't hurt, because she comes over to help him. His head lies on her lap. "It's me, Mom. I'm back," he says as the camera cranes out of there. Commercials.

More at the hospital. Bo Duke is in his hospital bed, but he sure seems healthy to me. In fact, he and MamaKent are making out like bunnies. I sure hope he brushed his teeth in between coming out of the coma and getting it on. Clark, in a white shirt, walks in and catches them. Clark asks what the doctors said about Bo's condition. Bo says he's a "breathing, walking miracle." Yeah, but what about your condition? Bo thanks Clark. Clark says that the real hero was MamaKent. Bo asks whether Clark remembers anything about being in the cave wall. Clark says he only remembers the last few days, and that's jumbled. Bo asks if Clark can fly. "Kal-El can fly," Clark says. "Clark Kent is still earthbound." Oh, well of course he is because...WHY!? Bo asks how it felt. "Amazing," Clark says, "and scary." Clark says that if he can do that, then maybe he's capable of anything. MamaKent says he is. "No, that's you, Mom," Clark says. MamaKent can FLY!? Clark says he doesn't know if he'd have had the strength to hold the family together as long as she did. MamaKent says that her dad used to say that life asks of you what you can handle. She says there were days she thought it had asked too much. MamaKent gives a lovely speech about how the family vibe is what pulled her through. She says she knew the three of them would be together again. The three of them hug. Hey, did somebody switch my show with Stolen Summer?

Hot time in Paris. Lana is taking a shower in the same amber light as before. Slow music plays as Lana does the sultry shower scene.

Al: Aw, YEAH!
Miles: Hell yeah!

Anyway, yes. Lana showers. Just like everybody. The camera zips around the extremely large bathroom, and we see Lana in silhouette against the shower curtain. Only it's the least convincing Boobs McChesty-looking body double in TV history. Kristin Kreuk does not, repeat not have huge boobs. Sorry. She doesn't. More steamy showering. Lana is breathing deeply. She shuts off the shower and steps out. She wraps a towel around herself. She leans back toward a full-length mirror conveniently placed outside the shower. The ancient symbol from the charcoal rubbing? It's now a tattoo on the small of her back. Does that mean she can be a slut now?

Papa Luthor is in his jail cell admiring his buzz cut in a small mirror. Can you have a mirror in prison? Couldn't you break it and turn the pieces into shivs? Papa sees Lois Lane in his rearview. "You're not [MamaKent]," he says. She introduces herself. Papa Luthor remember her. Lois puts her hands on the fencing. Papa Luthor touches one of her fingers and says she bites her nails. "Bad girl," he says. Oh, he's Hannibal Lecter now? Really? Does she use Nivea skin cream? Papa Luthor starts to call a guard to escort her out. Lois says she doesn't believe the explosion was an accident. Papa Luthor says that of course she doesn't. She thinks he's responsible. "No," Lois says. She says that a stunt like that is "thuggish and obvious," and basically beneath him. She flatters him with that. He asks for her theory. Lois says she doesn't have one. He asks why she's there. Lois hardens and says she wanted to look at the face of the person responsible for Chloe's death. Papa Luthor rolls his eyes. Lois says he may not have killed Chloe, but that he's the reason she's gone. Papa Luthor tries to set the record straight. Papa Luthor says he made an offer. Chloe took it. He kept his side of the bargain; she didn't. Papa Luthor says that Chloe is dead because of her own actions, and that he had nothing to do with it. Didn't he just imply that he did? He requests that Lois have something more than righteous indignation with her time she visits: "Zoo hours are over, Miss Lane. Good day." Lois stops on her way out. "You know, it must kill you that somebody has given you this gift and you don't know who and you don't know why, but without Chloe's testimony, you'll walk out a free man. Or are you being set up?" Papa Luthor seems to stop in his tracks at that. He takes off his glasses as Lois Lane smiles at him and then walks out.

Chloe's grave. "Chloe Sullivan. 1987-2004. Beloved daughter." What about Chloe's mom? Did she show up? Lois puts down some flowers and confesses that she didn't go to the funeral. She hates funerals. Lois starts to cry. She hates herself for being weak. She knew the moment she came would make it real. She promises to find out who did this to Chloe, even if she has to do it alone. "You're not alone," says Clark. He appears, wearing a blue jacket and red shirt. Lois is annoyed that he didn't announce himself sooner. It's raining lightly. Clark is holding flowers, too. He apologizes. Lois, who's wearing a red jacket and blue jeans, gets up. She jokes that they've moved beyond the "clothing optional" phase of their relationship. Clark looks as if he doesn't get the joke. Clark remembers her: "Nicorette addiction, can't stand uncomfortable silences." Lois is impressed with his synapses. Clark says he can't explain his recent actions, but that Chloe was his best friend. Wait, WHAT?! What about Pete? And Lex? And Lana? And Meteor the Stompy Horse? What about them? Clark says that Lana's not the only one who misses Chloe. Lois says she's the only doing anything about it. Clark gets annoyed, and says he gets the feeling that Lois likes doing things herself. Lois says that her dad raised her to be independent. "That'd be one way to describe you," Clark says. Lois is amused and flirty. She says that the only thing she likes about Clark is his mom: "You can't possibly be as weird as I think you are with a mom that cool." Think again. Clark volunteers to help Lois, and offers her a place to stay while she's in town. Flirting even more over Chloe's grave. That's just low. Lois agrees. She says she doesn't pay attention to curfews, and she never makes her bed. She gives Clark some time witih Chloe. He sighs and looks at the headstone. The camera pans down a bit. Clark X-Rays the grave. We see inside that the coffin is empty. "Lois?" Clark says. "Chloe's still alive!" And...BLACKOUT!

And Season 4 is off to a...jaunty slow trot? I'm sure some interesting stuff will happen week, but the previews only show more love triangle crap. See you then.