And now, on a very special Smallville (or,for some, "The hour that I killed before the last episode of Angel), a special fresh episode, a funky fresh, hairless, mob-boss-house-exploding episode...an episode that will make you think, "Gee, I wonder what's in the fridge. Grapes? Feta cheese? Both, maybe?" You've been warned.
This is the first Smallville episode that I've watched, at least in part, in HDTV (dreams really do come true!). Gotta say: that Papa Luthor has got some serious wrinkles. That Clark Kent? He really, really doesn't.
We open the gateway to my summer freedom with the infamous Blue Filter of Creepy Night. Feminine feet (or perhaps Lex's) are walking naked through the woods. The fog is thick and decidedly un-Kansan. Spooky/tinkly music plays. From behind, we see that it's a blonde. I'm hoping it's not one half of Nelson. The nude girl, who has shampooed recently, stops, then keeps walking. "Does a bear shit in the woods?" Nature Girl thinks, "No, wait, I do!" Nature Girl approaches a back road. There must be a Noxzema stand somewhere in the deep woods. An SUV suddenly approaches from nowhere, its headlights illuminating our fair-haired nudist. The SUV honks, but instead of dodging, Nature Girl raises her arms and brings them back down in a Captain Kirk judo chop. Wha-CHOP! She hits the hood of the SUV, and the thing flips forward and over her in a Hellboy homage. Aren't SUVs supposed to roll sideways? In any case, she's fulfilled one of my secret fantasies as SUVs are concerned, so I won't overanalyze. The vehicle doesn't quite make a full flip, and then crashes. It explodes immediately. Crash test dummies everywhere watch the scene in horror. Layered-Hair Nature Girl is like, "Yeah, truck, you got swerved!" More fire. We cut to an unnecessary shot from behind the truck fire of Nature Girl's sort-of-hidden ass, giving the show a shout-out to itself for the famous Ass of Fire Clark Butt Shot. A female silhouette walks past us. Gee, it took guest-recapper Kim to make me realize how padded some of these scenes really are. The truck exploded. We get it. Let's move on.
Every nudist in Kansas knows to go straight to the Kent Farm, where even the cows are treated like gods of desire. Nudist Girl walks behind strategically filmed fence posts to cover her naughty bits as she walks toward the front door.
Al Gough: So, uh, Miles. Just wanted to let you know that you don't need to fly out for shooting this week. We've got it covered.
Miles Millar: Oh, well, that's very nice of you, Al. I was planning to head out to -- hey, wait a minute! You're shooting that nudie blonde alien scene this week, aren't you?!
AG: What nudie blonde alien scene?
MM: Don't play dumb with me, Gough.
AG: You can call me "Al."
MM: I do. What, just now? I was coughing.
AG: No you weren't. You said "Gough."
MM: That's how I cough now.
AG: Really.
MM: Only for the last three years. I think it means I love you.
AG: Well I love you, too. That's why I'm saving you a seat front and center tomorrow for filming.
MM: Make sure she's extra-nubile!
Nubile Nature Girl approaches the American-flag-adorned Kent Farm home. She knocks on the window panel. Let me get this straight: homegirl doesn't know what hot tea is, but she knows to knock on a door to get somebody's attention? Clark answers the door. He looks down and sees breasteses. He thinks, "I thought a Strip-O-Gram came with the stripping." A very clever if filthy line here would be "I'd ask if you came to borrow a cup of milk, but it looks like you brought your own." "Hello, Clark," the girl says, with nary a trace of an accent (nor of acting ability), "My name is Kara. I'm from Krypton." Clark is speechless. He's got his mind on mammaries and mammaries on his mind.
Opening credits. Sam Jones III alert. This is officially the last time you'll see him on the show. (Unless he guest-stars.)
This week's Nude Girl guest star is named "Adrianne Palicki." She's been through enough with that name, so let's not be too hard on her, all right? Kent living room. Nude Girl is now Flannel Shirt Girl. Clark is leaning forward, talking with her the way you would a pushy insurance agent. He tells her he doesn't know where she heard about Krypton -- maybe on one of those crazy internet message boards or something -- but that he heard the planet was destroyed. She says that the physical planet was destroyed, but that it still lives on through them. Kind of like Square Pegs lives on through us. MamaKent comes from the kitchen and serves a hot cup of tea. She tells Kara that it'll warm her up. Kara looks at the tea and saucer as if they're an intriguing new breed of puppy. MamaKent explains hot tea. Kara nods politely and puts the crappy tea down without drinking it. Bo, all piss and skepticism, bellows that he'd like to call Kara's parents, and says he's sure they're worried about her. Kara says there's no one to call. MamaKent offers to let her stay with them for the night. Kara thanks her and says she heard MamaKent was very kind. She also heard that Bo Duke's platitudes were a sure-fire cure for insomnia. Clark asks how she got there. Through the front door, silly! And through a passage in a cave wall. "A passage from where?" Clark asks. She says it's a place where all his questions will be answered. Where he doesn't have to hide his true self. Fire Island? Bo pisses on the parade (sinking all the floats) by asking for a demonstration of her powers to prove she's who she says. Kara tries to look at Bo with disdain, but instead looks like she heard a cat jump on a stack of newspapers. "Dad!" Clark says. "Clark!" Bo shoots back. "Dr. Scott!" "Janet!" "Brad!" "Rocky!" "Bullwinkle!" Bo brings up Pete's harassment at the hands of the FBI (actually, just one rogue agent) and wonders if this isn't some other sort of ploy. Flannel Nudist Kara looks up as if she has a fly on her forehead. She gets Acting 101 mad: "Jonathan Kent. You have no place in this conversation!" She sort of emotes. Sort of. She says she'll show "Kal-El" all he needs to see in due time. Clark wonders how she got his name. It was given to him at birth, she says. A name? At birth?! This girl is psychic! The sustained musical note of faux mystery and tension continues as Clark asks why she's here. She takes his hands and says, "To take you home." And she's not gonna let him go till he sees the light.
A sudden knock at the screen door. Lex lets himself in. Clark tries to hide Kara. Lex asks if he can talk to Clark for a second. Clark starts to say that it's not a good time. Then the whole family comically notices that the girl is gone. Lex does his best not to react to their collective double take. Clark plays it off that this is as good a time as any to chat. Clark goes off with Lex to do his dirty business. Bo stares at the teacup, still steaming. Oh, dramatic teacup! I'm so glad they saved you for the season finale.
Just some gay old boys, never meanin' no harm: Clark and Lex share a rare nighttime moment together. As they walk to the barn, Clark says he thought Lex would be out celebrating the incarceration of his father. Lex says that his dad has a personal army of lawyers. Very Mr. Burns is he. Lex says that his dad be out on bail in less that forty-eight hours. The only way he'll be denied bail is if he's shown to be a menace II..."to" society.
Clark and Lex make their way up the stairs to the barn loft. Oh, just start knocking hay bales already, you two. Clark asks about the voicemail on Chloe's phone that would incriminate Papa Luthor. Lex says it will be for the Grand Jury. Lex says that in order to deny bail, they need eyewitnesses. Oh, that's such bullshit. You mean every murder that wasn't seen by another party automatically means the person gets to go home with no bail set? Way to Bizarro World the criminal justice system, Smallville. Lex says that anyone who's seen Papa Luthor's darker moments is dead or unwilling to come forward. What about Bo Duke? He's not long for this world anyway. "I'll come forward," Clark says. "Then you'll undo my belt buckle. We'll make the rest up as we go along." Lex smirks a bit, but says they need an "eyewitness." Clark reveals that he saw Papa Luthor at Belle Reve, giving the go-ahead to give Lex electroshock treatment even when he knew it might harm his son. Lex asks how Clark saw that. Clark says he snuck in to try to save Lex, but was too late. Lex steps forward, and for once it looks like he wants to smack Clark instead of kiss him. He surmises that Clark knew that Papa Luthor killed his parents, too, but said nothing. Lex interrupts Clark's answer to say he thought there was a "tacit agreement" among friends to share that kind of info. Does "tacit" mean "benefits"? "Not when it can get your friend killed!" Clark whines. Clark says that Papa Luthor locked Lex away and fried his brain. (Clark's words, not mine.) He says that Papa Luthor might have killed Lex this time, and Clark couldn't live with that. The pleading, puppy-dog look in Clark's declaration makes it a shoo-in for the Gayest Look of the Episode. Lex considers it. Clark does more of the puppy dog. Pad, pad, pad. Lex steps forward. "You're a good friend, Clark," he says. Unfortunately, he's also a lousy lay. Lex says that if Clark tells the judge what he just told him, Papa Luthor will be trading in his Armani for an orange jumpsuit. I dunno, Lex. I saw some Armani in France and they put some crazy shit on the racks. I wouldn't be surprised if there's already an orange Armani jumpsuit. "I'll be there. You can count on it," Clark says. Oh yes. The Gay.
A buzzer sounds. A guard opens a metal door and it leads to the most elaborate TV prison I've ever seen. At least on The WB. Papa Luthor is in a huge, white cell that has partitions separated by chain-link fencing. It's brightly lit and not exactly menacing, as far as punishments go. Papa Luthor, indeed in an orange jumpsuit and shackles, is led in by guards and our old buddy Craggy Chris Isaak. Isn't it a bad idea for him to be seen with the guy against whom he's got a pending case? Papa Luthor says he thought they had a deal. Craggy Chris Isaak begins a short, fast monologue that makes it sound as if he just had a root canal for all its slurry doesn't-make-sense-edness: "I tipped you off on your son's wire. I made sure any discriminating [ha! He said "discriminating" instead of "incriminating"!] recordings disappeared into the ether. I can't control some bleach-blonde Pulitzer wannabe from dredging up evidence from a decades-old homicide." Er, Craggy Chris Isaak? You need to lay off the bottle. Seriously. I'm worried about you, man. Let's get you into a program. Papa Luthor disregards the shambling dialogue and asks about "Lex's friend." Craggy scoffs that Papa Luthor is a hop, skip, and a jump from Death Row. He says that no "hick farm kid's secret is gonna be able to save your ass!" Papa Luthor chuckles as he's wont to do, and says he'll be free on bail in a few hours. Papa Luthor expects the info Craggy has gathered to be shipped over. Craggy says Papa will be waiting a long time. Craggy quits! This job is destroying his liver! Papa Luthor warns Craggy that he's venturing into dangerous waters. "I'm a pretty decent swimmer" is the oh-so-witty retort. "Night-night," Craggy adds on his way out, just to add to our nightmarish glimpse into alcoholism in the FBI.
Kent Farm at night. Clark watches Lex's car drive away from just outside the barn. What was the time lapse on that? Enough for a barn quickie. As Clark looks wistfully at the trail of risen dust, Kara is there to insert some blonde hair and breasts into the proceedings. She tells Clark that he shouldn't concern involve himself in "their problems." Clark says he wants to help his friend. "You can't trust him," she says of Lex. She's really good at that standing and not emoting thing. She says it's human nature. Clark's not your bitch; don't hang your shit on him! Clark says that "they" are the people he cares about. Kara says that'll make it hard when they all betray him. Clark looks clueless or, as we've come to know it, "Clarkish." Kara tells "Kal-El" that he's not meant for this world. "You were meant for mine," she says. He tells her that his name is "Clark," and asks why he should believe her. She says it's the truth. Clark asks where she's been for the last fourteen years. If he joins her, she says, all his questions will be answered. Come, Luke Skywalker. Join the Empire! "That's not good enough," Clark says. He starts to walk away. She grips his arm. "Come with me," she says. Clark steps toward her and they float, high above the basketball rim, in cheesy CGI. Everyone sing along, now: "I can open your eyes! Take you wonder by wonder. Over, sideways, and under. On a magic carpet ride!" There needs to be a comical monkey here. Clark asks how she's doing this. Aw, man, well, man she had some magic dust! Yeah, magic dust! A little bit for Kara, a little bit for Jor-El, a little bit more for Jor-El, a little bit more for Jor-El! Kara says that Clark is doing it, too. Drug fiend! "I can't fly," Clark says. "Not yet," she tells him. She says that this is just the beginning. Of a really, really long scene. She says he has no idea how powerful he'll become. We zoom between the two and get a shot of the full moon. Sadly, it's not made of cheese. I think I'll go have some cheese now from the fridge. That moon got me hungry.
The moon dissolves, but only in the cinematic sense, to an overhead shot of Clark in the caves. He says that a fissure in the cave wall wasn't there the week before. The realtor is going to shit a brick; this knocks at least $10,000 off the offering price! Kara, standing behind Clark in her little dress, says that it opened to release her. She says it'll open again when the two of them go. It's one of those keyless entry cave walls. Kara tells Clark that she knows how sad he feels in our world. She says that he always feels like an outsider, and that those closest to Clark will never truly understand him. Hell, I've been writing about him for three seasons, and I sure don't. Kara says that it doesn't have to be that way. Clark backs away from where she's touching his shoulder, and asks if she's been down in the caves since the meteor shower. She says she was waiting for the time when "he" knew Clark would be ready. Who? Jor-El, Clark's birth dad! Haven't you been keeping up? Clark says that his birth father died on Krypton. Kara rebuts that his spirit and will live on in these cave walls. And according to that will, Clark has inherited a Kryptonian haunted house that he'll have to spend the night in to claim. Crazy Formerly Nude Kara says that Jor-El isn't the monster Clark imagines. For one thing, he doesn't have pincers for hands. Yet. Kara mentions that Jor-El saved Clark's life. I'm assuming she means as a baby. "To turn me into something I never wanted to be!" Clark complains, bitterly. Kara says that Clark has no idea what greatness lies in front of him. Clark asks Kara to tell him. She says she's only there to help the transition, and that everything Clark wants to know lies through the fissure. This is beginning to sound like a bad farmer's daughter joke. Kara says it has to be Clark's choice. Don't stick your dick in the hole in the cave, Clark! It's not worth it! Kara puts a hand on Clark's face and asks him to come with her. "I can't do this," he says. "Just know," she says, "when you're ready, I'll be waiting for you." Good thing these latter-day Kryptonians don't need to express emotions. It would make portraying them so much more difficult for human actors. We go to commercials off of Clark's intensely blank stare.
Catwoman. Stupendously stupid idea? Or merely ludicrous?
The Magnficent Bastard is in a building with the not terribly imaginative title of "U.S. Penitentiary." Papa Luthor sits in his fabulous white cell. It's time for a visit from MB-in-training Lex Luthor. "Orange is a good color for you, dad," Lex says as an opening shot. Lex, pouring salt on the fabric, adds that it might get a little old after 25-to-life. Papa Luthor, patting down his shaggy mane, says he didn't call Lex to come in and trade insults. Awww, come on! Why not? Bust out with some "Mama" snaps! Papa Luthor takes a long breather, then says that no matter how wide the gulf is between the two of them, he'll always be Lex's father. Lex can't shut up: "And the devil that's haunted me since the day I was born." Papa Luthor takes another minute, then starts again: "As a father I have failed you. I realize that now. I'm sorry." Lex is stunned. Papa Luthor says that two years before (was this around the time he was playing blind?), he got diagnosed with a degenerative liver disease. Papa Luthor says he's tried everything, but that there's nothing. It's too late: "No amount of money can save me." Lex gulps and looks away. Papa Luthor comes to him, putting his hands against the metal fencing. He begs Lex not to let him die in prison. Lex comes toward the fence. He puts his hand over Papa Luthor's fingers. They hold hands. Lex shakes his head a bit: "Dad...this might've been more effective if you had a string quartet in the corner playing Barber's 'Requiem.'" Given the hair-cutting to come later, the line is doubly clever. Papa Luthor, grim-faced, takes his hand away. He says he understands why Lex wouldn't trust him. He says he's asked his doctors to release his medical files to Lex. Papa Luthor doesn't cry, but his eyes are pretty moist. Stern, complex looks are exchanged. Lex leaves the room as the sound of cells closing follow him out.
Kent Farm. Kara is staring out of a window around sunset time. The Kent Cabal is in the kitchen. MamaKent complains that the girl hasn't eaten anything since she's been there. I have no reason to think it's bad, but what if it's MamaKent's cooking at fault? Bo says the girl's appetite is the least of their problems. Clark says he thinks she's real (not imaginary? Thanks, Clark. Your insights continue to astonish and inform), and that Jor-El did send her. How else to explain her powers? Bo says, rightly, that a lot of people in the town have developed special abilities. Clark argues that the girl seems to know everything about Clark. Bo Duke says she knows as much as Dr. Swann did. "Do you think Swann sent Kara?" MamaKent asks worriedly. That theory is brushed aside as quickly as it was introduced, without discussion. Bo Duke says he just doesn't trust her. Kara suddenly appears in the kitchen. "You're the one who can't be trusted," she snaps at him. She accuses him of "breaking the covenant." The Ark of the Covenant? Indiana Jones is going to be so pissed. Kara continues: Jor-El gave Bo warnings, but he chose to ignore them. MamaKent asks what she's talking about. Kara tells Bo to reveal his secret. "What kind of deal did you make, Dad?" Clark asks. Bo grits his teeth as he shits a none-too-pleasing brick. Bo reveals, as he stares at Kara and no one else, that he promised to return one day Clark to Jor-El if he was given the powers to bring Clark back from Metropolis. Clark moves his head the way you do when you can't believe someone did something so stupid. MamaKent isn't too happy about it, either. Bo says that he had no idea it would be this soon. "Noooo," MamaKent moans.
Cut to a sedan sitting in plain view outside. Inside, Craggy Chris Isaak is holding a pretty conspicuous black antenna dish outside the driver's side window. He's listening to Clark and Kara's conversation. Kara is telling Clark that folks will always betray him, even "the man [Clark calls his] father." "I didn't betray my son!" Bo snaps. "Quiet," Kara says, quite quietly herself. She looks to her left. "Someone's listening," she says.
As Bo asks what she's talking about, we cut to the car. Outside, Kara is superzipping toward Craggy Chris and his vehicle. He jumps, startled. "How'd you do that?" he asks. Hasn't he been investigating all this time? Where's his Mulder-like suspension of disbelief? Kara goes, "Grr" with her face. Acting! She chokes Craggy. He puts the car in Drive and takes off. Crazy Kara lets him go. Then, she appears right in front of his car as he comes to a sudden stop. "Who are you?" he asks. No answer. He tells her to get out of his way. Kara remembers a photo shoot for Low Rider magazine, and leans forward on the hood, staring straight ahead. Her hands shoot lightning-shapes fire onto the car and toward the driver. It's very Mars Attacks!. The whole car goes supernova and disappears into nothing. Kara is left with her butt sticking in the air and her palms resting on nothing. I don't know if I'm in favor of Kryptonians taking over the planet, but they can sure have our landfills. "What did you do to him?" Clark calls out, running over at normal speed. He could have stopped her, sure, but where's being the hero in that? Kara informs Clark that Craggy Chris Isaak feared him. I'm sure his fear of being turned into ultra-biodegradable matter was higher on his list of phobias. "So you killed him!?" Clark can't believe it. It's not like he's ever been responsible for the death of some bad guy. Kara explains that Craggy didn't feel any pain. MamaKent passes judgment: "She killed a man!" she tells Bo Duke. She wants to call the sheriff. Bo asks what they'll tell the authorities: "That a Kryptonian girl vaporized a federal agent?" Hee. It does sound kind of funny when you put it that way. She asks what Bo has invited into their lives. Bo explains that he really didn't think he had any other choice. MamaKent is furious that Bo made the decision without talking to her first. Bo says it was the only way they could get Clark back from Metropolis. MamaKent shakes her head and asks why he'd keep it a secret. Bo wanted to keep her from worrying about something that might never happen. Like what's happening today. Bo says he can't just give Clark up to Jor-El. "Well, we might not have a choice," says MamaKent. She says that the girl is more powerful than Clark. Like they've done any testing of that? That shuts Bo up, but good.
Smallville High. Chloe is inputting text straight into a newspaper column on her Alienware computer screen. Interesting pagination technique. Bo Duke is at the door. He's never been there before. Chloe asks if it's a little less glamorous than he imagined. Without being asked, Chloe says she hasn't seen Clark. "I was looking for you," Bo says. He holds up a teacup in a plastic baggie. Clark says that Chloe is good at getting to the bottom of things. He asks Chloe to run the fingerprints on the cup. Chloe asks if there's a name attached. Bo says that's what he'd like her to find: the identity of the last person to touch the cup. Chloe prods him for more information on the plot to this mystery. Bo stops her mid-sentence and asks her Chloe not to press the issue. Chloe agrees to run the prints anyway. She makes a call as Bo watches over her shoulder. She tells him it's going to take a little while. Bo exits as Chloe watches him go.
Kent Farm. A Jeep pulls up. It contains Lana, and she's got full-bodied hair. Clark goes to greet her. He figured she'd be packing for Paris. Lana says that if she packed any more into her suitcases, they'd explode. It would be like the strawberry-flavored candy in a Starburst commercial. Clark asks when she's leaving. She says noon the day. Lana asks if Clark would mind being her Super Shuttle. Is that what the kids are calling it these days? "Sure," says Clark. Clark tries to have an emotion, while Lana displays about twenty of them. (I'm going to shut up about the acting. But Clark is being a stump here.) Lana says she knows this year has been weird. (Try "uneven.") Lana hates leaving as things aren't settled between them. You broke up! Ages ago! Settled! Clark starts to spin some bullshit, but Lana stops him. She says that when Clark invited her over for dinner, he had something important to tell her, but didn't. Lana says that if Clark has something to say to her, he should say it before she's gone. They close-talk. "Lana," Clark starts. Then Lana notices Kara standing by herself in a field, dress flapping. "Who's that?" Lana asks. Oh, crappity crap. "My cousin," Clark says in the least convincing way possible. Lana says that Clark's never mentioned her before. Shot of Kara's belly showing. Clark lies that the girl is from California. Lana says that if Clark has company, Lana can find a ride to the airport from someone else. Clark lies again: he says that even though it's hard to see Lana go, he wants to be there for her. Lana beams as she gets into her car. "We'll talk in the car tomorrow?" Clark asks. Lana doesn't respond. She just smiles and drives off.
After Lana goes, Kara appears to Clark. She says that Lana really does love him, but that it's not meant to be. "No one knows what's meant to be," Clark says. I rip up my Nostradamus calendar. "Not you, not even Jor-El," Clark adds. Kara tells Clark that his love with Lana is earthbound and full of doubts and pain and sorrow. Also, long scenes, cheesy pop music, and bad CGI sunsets. Kara says that the love between her and Clark will be stronger than anything he can imagine. That's limiting the scope a bit, isn't it? She says that she and Clark are the only ones left; only they can preserve the Kryptonian race. Ah. I knew the Nazis would figure into this somewhere. "Come with me, Kal-El. Come home," she says. Clark says that this is his home. This crappy-ass farm in Kansas. She says it may seem so, but that everyone Clark knows will lie, betray, or leave him. Can we get on with it already? I think she's made this point clearly enough. Clark says he'll never go with her. He'll never go "around" with her, either, nor "steady." And there'll be absolutely no hand-holding!
Inside the Kent home. Clark has to steady himself on a hallway table from all the emotions he can't convey to us. There's a knock at the front door. It's a dreadlocked delivery guy, who unfortunately doesn't reach the comedic highs of the last delivery guy we saw on the show. There's a package for Clark. It's from "a Mr. Lionel Luthor," the delivery guy says. The packaging reads "Federate Couriers." Clark opens it. It's a single silver key. Clark thinks, "I thought these were usually octagon-shaped."
Stately Luthor Manor at night. Lex is behind his desk. He's reading the Papa Luthor medical report, which says in huge bold letters: "Diagnosis: Bastardous, Magnificent. Prognosis: Glorious Death." Lex says that his dad has visited the Mayo Clinic and Johns Hopkins, as well as every major medical institution in the Western world. He's talking to Chloe. Chloe looks at the report and surmises that Lex is having second thoughts about his dad's prison life. Chloe says she'll understand if Lex backs out, given that it's his father and the guy is dying. "Yeah," Lex says glumly, "and he's going to draw his last breath in prison, not the VIP suite at Metropolis General." That's cold. Even for Lex. Lex says he'll only do it if Chloe is still willing to go through with it. Didn't she say she would before? I think Lex is just looking for a push to get himself certain. Chloe doesn't like the sound of this, regardless. Lex says that a dying man has little to lose. He points out that his dad successfully raised the dead and pinned laboratory murders on his own son. Lex wonders what tactics Papa Luthor would use to keep himself out of prison. Chloe says that the FBI promised to put her and her dad in protective custody until after the trial. Witness Protection Program? How convenient that it coincides with the end of school for the summer (which I'm assuming means no issues of The Torch to put out). "Then what?" Lex asks. Chloe asks if Lex is trying to scare her. Lex says he's worried for Chloe and wants to make sure she has the facts before she testifies. Chloe looks worried for herself now. Nevertheless, she says that Papa Luthor has intimidated her long enough and that she's not backing down.
Papa Luthor sits in his new all-white abode. "What is this?" Clark asks, holding the key that was sent to him. If it were a much larger key, Clark, I'd say you might be the honorary mayor of Smallville. We get a tight close-up on Papa Luthor, leaning forward. Papa Luthor says it's a key, but not the one they're both looking for. Clark threatens to leave if Papa Luthor is just going to play games. Papa Luthor says he knows Clark is on the prosecution's witness list. Papa says he imagines that Clark has bought into Lex's view of their "Oedipal struggle. I am a poor misguided etcetera etcetera," Papa Luthor says. Clark calls Papa Luthor a murderer. Hee. Papa Luthor says he didn't kill his parents. He says Clark has no idea what it's like to grow up under the thumb of an abusive father. "Your son does," Clark tells him. "Lex is an expert by now." Papa Luthor says that Lex is a liar. Papa Luthor tells Clark that the key opens a room in the mansion's third floor, east wing. He says that Clark will be fascinated by what he finds. Clark says he's not going to walk into a trap. "Clark," Papa Luthor whispers, "I don't want to harm you. I want to enlighten you." He tells Clark that there'll be answers he won't believe. Clark looks down at the key. Papa Luthor smirks. Commercials.
For the few months, I'm hoping only to see Lana as an actress doing Neutrogena commercials.
Stately Luthor Manor. Clark took the bait. He opens the mansion door with the key and walks in. Sconces. Weirdly lit steps. But most importantly? A huge, goofy photo of Clark projected on a huge screen. I guess Lex doesn't believe in screensavers. Clark looks around at the Gayest Room of the Episode, a shrine to Clark and Lex's fabulous times together. Clark notices some bullets hanging from wire -- bullets that at various times tried unsuccessfully to kill him. A smaller screen displays a rotating image of the octagonal key. Lex really needs to get some security up in his house. Clark examines another screen, this one with the old wireframe animation of the fateful car accident where our two young bucks first met. Clark stares at it in horror. Then, the thing Clark should have noticed when he walked in: a big chunk of glowing Kryptonite sits in a glass display container. Clark looks queasy and moves to leave the room. He runs into Lex, standing at the doorway. "Before you jump to conclusions," Lex begins, but Clark is angry that Lex didn't stop investigating him. Lex says he did stop. "I understand how you could think all this is about you," Lex says as he glides down the stairs. What would make Clark think that? The hundred-inch plasma display with his photo on it? Lex says it's about himself. "More lies," says Clark. Lex ignores that and says that there's a lot of his life that he can't explain. He thinks he's unbreakable, given the number of brushes he's had with death. Clark says it all started with the car crash. But really, it started with his surviving the meteor shower. Lex says that he's inherited his father's curiosity for the unexplained. "You've inherited his dishonesty," Clark growls. Lex strides to Clark and asks him if he's got any hidden places of his own where he keeps deep, dark secrets. Can he search them? Are they pockets? Clark, the dick, changes tack. He tells Lex that he's been sticking up for Lex and making excuses for him since Day One. He's been telling people that Lex is nothing like Papa Luthor. "I was wrong," Clark says, and leaves. There's surprisingly little homoerotic heat in this exchange. Lex calls after Clark, but the thrill is gone. Clark slams the door. Lex looks a little hurt.
Cows! On the farm! Like birds sensing storms approaching, the cows feel intuitively that something is about to happen to Bo. In response to this emotional trauma, they go, "Mooo." Clark is in the barn talking to MamaKent. Clark is nursing his broken heart over Lex's lying to him (though he really wasn't) after three years. MamaKent says she's sorry and that she knows how hard it must be for Clark. Clark says that Kara warned him about everybody's betrayals. Clark wonders if maybe he doesn't belong in Smallville. He's a creep. He's a weirdo. What the hell is he doing here? "No. No," MamaKent says. Clark whines that he's fought Jor-El, but that it's only made things worse. He wonders if he should just go. MamaKent says that Clark doesn't have to decide right now, and that things have been hard with Pete and Lana leaving. "Lana," Clark says, showing about one-third of an emotion. This one is something close to "Alarm."
Quick cut to Metropolis International Airport, shot in the same gray/blue of the Metropolis City Lens Filter. A couple is kissing by the sidewalk as Lana schleps her own bags to the airport entrance. She looks raggedy, by Lana standards. Not even a pink scarf. Just a black stretchy top and a striped white jacket over that. Lana is stopped by Lex, who's full-on stylin', wearing a dark suit and tie. Lex says he wanted to say "bon voyage." Lana asks if he shouldn't be at the courthouse. "My father can wait," Lex says. Uh oh. This doesn't bode well for the future. So Lex is willing to risk everything against his dad for Lana? The world really has gone Bizarro. Lex says he couldn't let the last person Lana saw in town be the shuttle driver looking for his tip. What about Chloe and her dad? Lana isn't living with them anymore? Lana thanks Lex for everything. Lex says it's clear that Lana's destiny lies beyond the Smallville city limits. Far, far, beyond, where there are no TV cameras. Please let it be. Lex says he's just trying to help her get there. Lana doesn't know what she did to deserve such a good friend. Her hair is wild. Wild On...Lana's hair! Lana is glad Lex came into her life. Lex says suavely that maybe he'll run into her on the Champs Elysées. Oh, dear god, please don't let us see that if it happens. Lana asks if Lex is going to be in Paris. Lex says he hasn't been in a few years, but now he has a reason to go. Noooooo! But, then again, given how much of an asshat Clark has been this season, I'm beyond caring. Maybe Lex will fall in love with and kill Lana in the end. We can hope on the latter part, right? Lex and Lana hug. A lot, as singer-songwriter pap plays. Clark, in his decidedly-not-styling red jacket, watches from across the street. Jeeeeeaaalous? Clark, holding a white, long-stemmed rose, drops the flower in slow motion. Lex says goodbye to Lana, making her carry her own bags to the check-in. Lana looks across the street and sees Clark as cars and buses whiz by. She crosses traffic with all her stuff. Clark has disappeared. Lana looks around and sees the rose on the ground. She picks it up. The scene finally ends. Bye, Lana. Don't come back.
Courthouse. Chloe, looking quite fantastic in professional attire and busting out the Chloevage, spots Lex in the foyer. Chloe says that Clark hasn't shown up, and that if he doesn't appear in five minutes, the judge is going to set bail on Papa Luthor. Clark asks if Chloe tried calling Clark. At home or on the cell phone Clark may or may not have? Chloe says there's no answer. She says that something big must have happened, since he flaked on Lana, too. Lana called Chloe before she left? Wish we could have seen that. Chloe asks Lex what's going on. Lex says nothing is, but that he hopes Clark didn't change his mind. "You're his best friend. Why would he do that?" Chloe asks. And a big "fuck you" to Pete with that line. Clark walks past Lex and into the courtroom, giving him the angry shoulder and not saying anything. Big, dumb asshole, coming through!
Cut to: courtroom doors opening. The news media wants to know how Papa Luthor feels about being denied bail. Papa Luthor says it's nothing new to be in prison and to be an innocent man. Just ask O.J. Lex tries to stop Clark, who is following the media circus, but isn't being interviewed at all even though he was supposedly a very damning witness. Lex says it means a lot to him that Clark showed up. Clark says he didn't come there for Lex. He came because it was the right thing to do. Like oatmeal. "This friendship is over," Clark tells Lex. It's the breakup! Lex has been Dismissed! Elimidated! Lex looks as heartbroken as I feel. Dramatic music.
Cut to the Kent Barn. Clark is in the loft feeling lowly. He tells Kara that everything she said came true. Kara says she takes no pleasure in Clark's anguish. Now, a Toblerone: There's some interplanetary pleasure right there. Kara puts on her best "I understand" tone, and says that the people who care about Clark will miss him when he's gone. Clark mopes that ever since the meteor shower, he's brought everybody nothing but pain. Clark is the Dr. Feelgood of self pity-cating. Kara plays with Clark's hair and invites him to go with her again. Kara says "she" will ease Clark's suffering. "'She'?" Clark asks. Kara says that Clark's birth mother is waiting for him and has missed him. Oh, man, why she gotta pull out the Mama Card? Clark says that his birth mother died. "Her love...lives on," says Kara. It will also embrace him all the days of his life. He won't feel so great about it when it intrudes on his sex life. Kara puts Clark's face in her hands. She kisses him. Clark closes his eyes. Kara kisses his forehead. It didn't take much, huh? Clark says, "I'm ready." One more kiss and we go to commercials.
Bye, Angel! People who watched you are really going to miss you.
Kent Farm. Bo goes to look for Clark, since he's been gone a while and MamaKent is worried. She says he's been gone since 3. And it's what, about 6 PM? Call the authorities! Bo tells MamaKent to call The Talon (it's not closed down yet?), and he'll check the caves. A car honks. It's Chloe in her red convertible. She gives Bo Duke the results of the fingerprinting. Chloe says that, even for her, what she uncovered is pretty weird. Bo looks at Chloe as the dramatic end-of-season music begins.
The music takes us to a cave scene. Clark and Lara are holding hands. A fissure opens in the cave wall, and bright yellow light and wind come out of it. Ooh, that reeks! Mummified toejam! The camera rotates around them. Kara looks pretty happy. Clark looks pretty terrified. Bo comes in and destroys their little fissure rite. "Wait!" he calls. Clark does. Bo holds the paperwork from Chloe and says that the girl's name isn't Kara. It's "Lindsay." She's not from Krypton; she's a girl who was arrested for shoplifting sixteen years before. Kara tries to get Clark to ignore Bo, but Clark examines the newspaper article. Bo tells the girl, even as the wind and light are still going, that Kara...er, "Lindsay" was driving with her mother when the meteor shower hit. The car was hit on Route 8, right near the caves. Bo says that the body of the girl was never found. Her picture looks nice on the newspaper page. Clark says she hasn't aged a day. Crazy Kara/Lindsay says that's because she's been waiting for Clark. Creepy! Bo tells the girl that Jor-El used her to lure Clark, and stripped her of her humanity. Yeah, well. There probably wasn't much there to begin with. Ya shoplifter! Bo tries to get the two of them to escape with him. Jor-El's voice implores Clark to go with Kara. "I'm not going anywhere!" Clark yells back. "I'll never be who you want me to be!" Instead of killing Clark, Jor-El goes and vaporizes Kara/Lindsay instead. She disappears in a flash. She was so hot she went molten! Clark yells to Jor-El, asking what he did to the girl. "She served her purpose," says Voice of Jor-El. Bo Duke has, too. Instead of killing Bo outright, Jor-El sends a sort of electrical fire lasso around Bo's neck. Bo screams and tries to break the choke hold. Clark yells for Jor-El to leave his father alone. Jor-El tells Clark to step forward or Bo will die. Bo, choked. Clark tries to decide. Bo manages to call out, "I've lived a full life, son!" Bo says that Jor-El can do whatever he wants to Bo as long as Clark is free. "I'll never be free!" Clark calls back. "No!" Bo yells back. Clark's face is pulled toward the fissure in jerky-sucking bursts, similar to what the Dementors do in the new Harry Potter movie. Clark somehow becomes digitized and pulled into the crack in the cave wall. Clark is now an MP3 file. The fire-lasso breaks on Bo, and he falls on his back. Whither, Bo?
Papa Luthor's jail cell. He's sitting on a chair -- center stage, as it were -- looking as if he's about to bust into a song from Chicago. Maybe he will. That would be nice. A thug who was led in by a guard stands to face him. Papa Luthor looks up at the thug. "Do it," he says. Prison sex? Whoa!
Mozart's "Requiem" plays throughout the entire rest of the episode. Sure, you can say all you want about how it's a blatant Godfather rip, or how shows like The O.C. or The Sopranos pull off musical montages to much better effect, but given the rest of the season, let's just enjoy this one and give it props for hitting some high notes that the show is not known to typically hit. As the music plays, the cross-cut scenes go like this:
The thug pulls back Papa Luthor's hair, exposing the old man's face to harsh light.
MamaKent walks out of the Kent front door in slow motion. She sees something out in the fields and begins walking toward it in alarm.
Close-up of Papa Luthor's nose and eyes. Cunning!
An SUV with U.S. Government plates pulls up to a house in a residential area. Chloe gets out of the car, followed by her dad.
Quick cut to a set of electric clippers, about to shave some of Papa Luthor's hair.
Lex pours himself some brown liquor of indeterminate age and brand.
Papa Luthor is getting shorn about the head. That's a lot of hair to cut.
MamaKent, she of the voluptuous figure, keeps walking in slow motion toward the field.
Back-of-the-head shot of Papa Luthor. More shaving.
Chloe and her dad take their bags inside this new house. Chloe takes one look back at the government agents. The one in the passenger seat, who has bright metal frames on his glasses and is bald, smirks at her. The SUV drives off.
Papa Luthor gets a glamour shot as his head is half-shaven.
Lex swigs his liquor.
Papa Luthor profile. All his hair on that side, except a swath in the back, is gone. I really hope they leave him with a rat tail. His chin makes him look a bit like a turtle here.
MamaKent, alarmed, starts running.
More shaving. Papa Luthor's left side is getting the clippers.
Chloe and her dad go inside the house. Her dad seems impressed. Chloe looks suspicious.
Hair falls on Papa Luthor's hands.
Chloe closes the door. As soon as she does, there's an explosion inside. Cut to an overhead shot of an exploding house. Then a front/side shot of a house exploding. Chloe! HOOOOOOLY SHIT!
Again with the head shaving.
Fire on the ground! MamaKent is watching the fire, and it makes it look as if she's watching Chloe's house burn. She's not.
Lex clutches at his neck and falls.
Hair hitting the ground.
Lex falls, Chris Farley-style, on a glass table.
Papa Luthor stares at us. Eeeeeeevil!
MamaKent watches fire. It's a small fire in the field, but it quickly bursts into a huge Kryptonian symbol of fire. M. Night Shyamalan calls his lawyer.
Bo Duke lies unconscious inside the cave. The camera zooms in on him.
Papa Luthor and the Rat Tail that Will Never Be.
Wide helicopter shot of the Kent Farm and the burning symbol in the field. We glide away from it.
Lex clutches his neck as he writhes on the floor.
Papa Luthor is shaven. He rubs both hands across his head as the music crescendos. "Thank you," he says clearly and emphatically. No, Magnificent Bastard. For making this season watchable, I thank you.
Weird blue filter. "Kal-El. My son," Jor-El says. Clark hears the voice and looks up a bit. He's naked and curled up, covering his private naughties. "Now you shall be reborn," Jor-El says. We pull back. Clark is in some sort of smoky gay bar or something and either the light shining on him or the actual room he's in is in the shape of the Superman crest. We pull back some more as the music dies down. Everything goes to white smoke. Cut to black.
That's it! Thanks for reading another season. Read some good books, see some good movies you've been meaning to watch for years but haven't, and go outside a bit, okay? See you in the fall.