Wow. This one's really good. Let's just dive right in.
We open on what looks like the outside of an old warehouse, with a town car and a yellow moving rig parked outside. If that blue lens filter is any indication, we're in Metropolis. Inside, creepy music plays as we're close up on a single bluish-green eye. The face around it is wrapped in bandages. "Let's have a look," somebody says. The person lying in a dentist's chair in bandages is holding a necklace of green stones. A person whose face we can't see starts taking off the man's bandages. Mummy mia! Reverse angle. A simple table has a laptop on it. The screen shows a photo of a man's facial profile. The rest of the room is mostly empty. The bandages come off in an apparent homage to the first Batman movie. The man in the chair holds a mirror up to see his face. The guy who took off the bandages goes to the laptop and pushes some keys. We see a photo of Morgan "Rutger Hauer" Edge on the screen. The photo changes to a front-face view. Man, that Rutger Hauer has a huge head. You might be seeing it floating above the city in this week's Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. "You're a new man," the doctor tells the patient, who is stroking his face and whispering, "Pretty pretty pretty" in his head. The New Man looks at his face and says it's like looking at a stranger. For us, too. The doctor, if that's what he really does, asks if that wasn't the idea. Those are some pretty gnarly scars on that new face. "Throat hurts," the New Morgan Edge says. The doctor says he'll feel better when the swelling in his vocal chords go down. Vocal chords? They operated on those, too? I may not know anything about plastic surgery, but doesn't that cross the line into hard plastic surgery? Ceramic surgery? Light bamboo surgery? The New Edge pulls up the mirror again, but this time he sees a sexy bald man in the reflection. "Now, I'm a crime boss, and I think of myself as sexy even though the reason women flock to me is money and power, not my bloaty, puffy face, but even I'm not deluded enough to think I'm that sexy. Not even in a morphine haze." And he's right. It's Lex Luthor, Goddamned Sexy Man About Town. In the mirror, Lex says that, personally, he thinks society places too much emphasis on looks. Easy for someone who looks like you to say. Lex says it should be the character of the man that counts. Speaking of characters who count, I really like The Count. Lex calls him Mr. Edge. The New Edge (now with facial scarring!) says that Lex must have him confused with someone else. Right. Smooth. The photo's right on the laptop over there. I guess that is a pretty deep morphine haze. Lex tells him he can change his face, his hair, his voice.... "But not your DNA. You still sweat the same," Lex says. I know I joke about Lex, but in this case I'm really wondering how Lex knows Morgan Edge's sweating habits.
Something in the room gets cocked. I think it's in Lex's pants until the camera shows someone behind Lex pointing a gun. The guy has the Not Quite a Character-Actor Villain sneer going. Lex thinks fast, gulping and saying, not convincingly, that if he doesn't walk out of the room in five minutes, his "people" have orders to call the police and tell Papa Luthor that The Edge is alive and well. (Just ask Bono.) Lex says that maybe Papa Luthor will send someone to finish the job. Calm down. It's just a murder job. The New Edge stands up, still holding the mirror, and goes to Lex. He asks what Lex wants. Lex accuses Edge of conspiring with Papa Luthor to kill Lex's grandparents. Lex suddenly looks uncomfortable and rubs the back of his neck. He goes on to say that Edge and Papa Luthor split the insurance money. The New Edge asks what Lex wants, because he sounds delusional. Lex says he has evidence, but needs hard proof to bring down Papa Luthor. Lex shows a video camera (Lex-directed porn!) and says he wants Edge to tell the whole story (oh). Lex offers Edge a new life to go along with that face. Edge shows no emotion. I'm not sure he can yet.
Lair of Lex. Lex is watching a video on his laptop of Edge confessing: "I blow up the building, Lionel gets rid of his bastard father and his gin-soaked mother." I guess the Magnificent Bastard gene doesn't skip a generation. Edge says that the slum lord split the insurance payment with them. He says that Papa Luthor used his cut of the money for his first start-up. A tough-looking black man in a suit walks in just then. Lex pauses the video. The man apologizes for interrupting, but tells Lex that Papa Luthor keeps calling. He lied that Lex wasn't there, but wants to know what he should do. "You look worried, Darius. Relax," Lex says. Darius Rucker? He's the lead singer from Hootie and the Blowfish! I was wondering what happened to him. You know you're not supposed to call him "Hootie," right? Hootie, wearing a Secret Service ear thingee, exits.
Lex gets out of his chair and goes to his Super-Secret Bookcase and Shelves. He lifts a panel leading to a key-pad activated safe. As Lex is messing with that, a crazy string plays, and we pan up to see some crazy-ass ninja outside a ceiling window. For someone so concerned with privacy and secrets, Lex sure does make it easy for satellites to record his every move. Lex puts some documents and the videocamera into his safe. Crazy-Ass Ninja rappels into the room. I hate how sneaky ninjas are! The only thing sneakier than that was Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible. Now that was sneaky. The ninja lands on the top book level, takes out a gun, and aims it at Lex. The red-dot aiming mechanism (no, I don't know the proper name for it) gets a bead on the shelf in front of Lex. Lex notices the dot. He yells for Hootie as he ducks and dodges. Bullets! Lex crawls. Hootie runs into the room and gets shot in the chest. He falls. Hootie, no! More shots fired as Lex continues scrambling across the floor. This ninja has terrible aim. Maybe he should have used the compound bow. Lex makes it out into the hallway. The ninja beats him out to the other end of the hall. Lex turns and runs. Wait, is that, another assassin? I can't tell if it's the same guy being clever with the hallways. Lex picks up a priceless artifact and chucks it at the ninja's crotch. Ninjas usually deal with throwing stars and swords, not little knick-knacks, so it catches the ninja off-guard and he falls. Lex runs the other way and dives the hell out of a stained-glass window. More shots are fired as Lex runs, runs, runs! Live (er, on tape) from Kansas (er, not really), it's Smallville!
Opening credits. We should have let those tornados get Lana.
I pretend to skip past the latest round of Victoria's Secret commercials. I'm a bad liar.
Kent Farm. Hey, animals! Wow, we rarely get to see that. Wait a minute, you mean the New Morgan Edge is Patrick Bergin, who went from being Julia Roberts's husband in a movie to being the Poor Man's Rutger Hauer? How the mighty have fallen. No disrespect meant, of course. In the Barnness of Soon-to-be-Hoyayitude, Clark goes up to the loft and examines some books he doesn't know how to read. A bald head pops up. Clark's like, "Seen it. Done it." But this bald head has some blood around the eye: it's Lex and he looks pretty beaten up. "Lex?" Clark asks. No, it's the other bloody bald guy you keep stashed up here. Lex gets up, wincing. "Are you alone?" he asks. It always starts like this. Clark asks what happened to him. Lex limps over to the other side of the room (he wants Clark to play doctor) and says that somebody tried to kill him the night before. Clark suggests a hospital and/or police. Lex says no on both counts. He says that these people (the ones trying to kill him, not the ones at the police station and the hospital) are professionals. So professional they let you escape from the second-story after having a gun sight right on you? Yes, remind me not to hire them for my killing. Lex tells Clark how poor Hootie died in the line of duty. I wonder if he'll tell Hootie's wife, or if he'll just let her cry. He only wanted to be with her. Lex says he needs some time to think. And, you know, get a Dirty Sanchez going. Clark asks who would want to kill Lex. Lex says that the less Clark knows, the better. In that case, the world is just dandy. Clark says he can't help if he doesn't know what's going on. Lex tells Clark it's probably his father who's responsible. Clark tries to reason with Lex about it, because it just doesn't sound like a Magnificent Bastard move. Lex says it was either Papa Luthor or The Edge. "Morgan Edge?" Clark asks, and then plays it off by pretending he doesn't know the guy and has only heard about him on the news. Lex says that The Edge survived and has been living underground. Oh yeah, underground, man, I can dig that. Lex says he got a hack plastic surgeon to change his appearance. Hey, Lex, anybody who can turn Rutger Hauer into Patrick Bergin can't be that much of a hack. Although, he probably should have gone for a Kiefer. Clark asks why Edge hates Lex. Lex explains about the crime he knows about that might score Edge and Papa Luthor "The Death Penalty." Lex says that evidence was going to be mailed to the U.S. Attorney that morning.
Bo Duke suddenly calls up from below. "Clark? Is that you?" he bellows. Lex whispers that the info for the attorney is in his safe. Lex can't get to it. Bo pops his head up toward the loft from the stairs. Bo says that since Clark is "up with the cows" (up with cows! Rise up, bovine-people! Mooo!), he can help with the milking. Nice, asshead dad, but I think Clark's got some milking of his own to do up here. Clark says he has some last-minute cramming to do. Heh. Heh heh. Heh heh heh hehehehe. Lex is hiding, but when he hears that, his mouth hangs open with lust. Lex rubs his neck in anticipation. Bo says he expects Clark to get an "A." Oh, he'll be getting lots of A, Bo Duke. Don't you worry. And I'll be going to Recapper Hell, where we burn watching episodes of 227 for being too dirty. "Yes, sir," Clark says, a bundle of hormones and moistened trousers. Clark tells Lex, after Bo is gone, that he'll go to the mansion and get those papers. Lex says it's too dangerous. Aw, he's sweet. Clark says that if somebody asks him, he'll just play dumb. Wait, Clark. You play dumb? How will you manage? Clark asks Lex to explain exactly what happened. Before we can hear it all again, we cut to another scene.
Lair of Lex. We watch Clark from behind the bar as he enters the room. A decanter of scotch sits prettily. Clark looks around, wondering if he should try to find Lex's toy drawer. He looks up and sees that all the windows up top are intact. Clark pulls out a key and opens the shelf safe by using "" as the code. He opens the safe. Cool blue cathode light illuminates the inside, but the safe is empty. Clark doesn't know what's up with that. He wanders down the hall, flapping his arms out in disgust. He sees that the stained-glass window Lex was supposed to have jumped through is also unbroken. A security guard stops Clark. Clark couldn't have superspeeded out of there before anybody found him? Clark tells the guard (who is not Hootie) that he's there to see Lex. The guard says that most of the house is still asleep. "Is Darius on duty?" Clark asks. The guard says Hootie had the night off. "You got stuck with the graveyard shift," Clark says, trying to make lame conversation. Clark does his x-ray vision and notices a shard of something on the ground, behind a piece of wood furniture. Clark asks if anything unusual happened. The guard says that only Clark's visit is unusual. Clark says he knows how to take a hint. He "accidentally" drops his keys and uses that as an excuse to bend over and pick up the shard. Is that like a "Bend and Snap"? Clark asks the guard to tell Hootie he was asking for him. Clark is the least smooth person in the world.
The Barnness of Sin. Clark is telling Lex that being at the mansion was like being in The Twilight Zone, especially the part where Clark hated people and only wanted to read books, but after World War III, he broke his glasses. Nooooooooo! Lex is putting on a shirt to cover the post-coital sweat on his bod. He tells Clark he didn't imagine getting shot at. Lex says they must have had "cleaners" there to cover the tracks. Clark shows Lex the shard -- a small, red piece of glass. Clark says he called Hootie's home; an answering machine said that the family is away visiting relatives. Lex speculates that Hootie is at the bottom of Crater Lake by now. I guess nobody on the side of the lake held his hand. Clark suggests that they call that U.S. Attorney. Lex, showing quite a lot of chest with those top shirt buttons undone, says that the attorney was already nervous about going after Papa Luthor. Lex says that piece of glass is pretty weak evidence. Didn't Lex make copies of those documents? Clark asks if anybody can corroborate any part of Lex's story. I'm impressed that Clark said "corroborate."
The offices of The Torch. Clark is questioning Chloe. She asks if Lex is all right. Clark says he's shaken up (all shook up, in fact), but alive. Clark asks how Chloe got involved. She stutters unconvincingly that she was writing a story about Papa Luthor and found out about the guy's tough childhood. Behind Chloe, a framed layout says, "ALIEN LOVE SLAVE!" Yes, Clark is. Chloe says she had no idea Lex would take her findings and run with that grandparent-murder theory. Clark warns Chloe that the people they're dealing with are dangerous. He suggests that she stay out of sight. Chloe counters that nobody's safe until these people are exposed. Naked Day! Clark says he's not going to leave Chloe alone. He tells her to grab her laptop and come with him.
Kent Farm. The Red Dodge Truck of Eventual Flipping and Exploding pulls up. Papa Luthor, MamaKent, and Bo are waiting as Clark and Chloe arrive. Papa Luthor pretends barely to know Chloe. He asks if Clark has seen Lex. Clark looks to his parents, and then lies that he hasn't seen him for a few days. Papa Luthor says that Lex is missing. Clark says he knows Lex "pretty well," and that if Lex wanted Papa Luthor to know where he was, "You probably would." Er, not a very neat sentence. Papa Luthor says that Lex is seriously ill. He be illin'. He needs help. Clark asks what Papa Luthor means by "ill." Papa Luthor's mouth moves around some in what seems like genuine concern. He says twice that Lex had a psychotic break. "That can't be right," Clark says. Papa Luthor says it happened on the island. Lex has had a relapse, paranoid delusions, hears voices, sees things that aren't there, the works. Papa Luthor says, "I want my son. I want him back. The way he used to be." That's funny, because Clark wants him, too. Papa Luthor says seriously that if Clark hears from Lex, Clark needs to tell them and help Lex get the care that he needs. We cut to a shot from the barn, where Lex is watching the conversation. He spies with his little eye.
Clark enters the barn. We hear Lex singing softly, "Hush little baby, don't say a word/ I'm gonna buy you a mockingbird./ And if that mockingbird don't sing/ I'm gonna buy you a diamond ring." Clark thinks it's sweet that Lex is singing to him again (early this morning it was Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up"), but it turns out Lex has his back turned and is singing at something else. Clark asks what he's doing. Lex turns. "I had to get the baby," Lex explains. "He was crying. My father woke him." Aw, Lex wants to play house with Clark! "The baby?" Clark asks. He's not ready to be a father. Lex turns and shows Clark the baby: It's a rolled-up blanket. Lex nuzzles its blanket head. Lex says it's his little brother Julian. Lex smiles at Clark. Clark starts to say something, but Lex shushes him. The baby's asleep. He continues singing. "If that diamond ring turns brass..." Lex turns to Clark and gives him a biological-clock smile -- incidentally, the Gayest Look of the Episode -- and sings, "I'm gonna buy you a looking glass/ And if that looking glass gets broke/ I'm gonna buy you a little toy boat." He's kind of given up singing by the end of that and gone spoken-word. The camera pulls back as Clark watches Lex's back. Crazy! He's crazy!
Commercials. The Cat in the Hat. Feh.
Kent Farm Yard, y'all. It's windy. Clark is explaining to his parents what's up. They ask about Julian. Clark says that Lex did have a brother, but that he died as a baby. "That must have been trow-matic for him," MamaKent says. Chloe's with Lex now, and he seems fine, Clark says. Bo kind of shuffles his feet around trying to find some blocking to do. Clark says that one minute Lex is holding a baby, and the he's forming complete sentences. Er. Yeah. Bo is mad that Clark was hiding Lex in the barn without telling them. Oh, like it's the first time. "Dad, he was scared," Clark says, explaining that Lex thinks his dad is trying to kill him. Clark adds that Lex thinks The Edge is still alive. "Morgan Edge?" Bo asks. Bo gets non-regular viewers up to speed by saying that Edge knows all about Clark's abilities, and that Kryptonite can kill him. "How could you not tell us that?" Bo bellows. Damn, Dad, he just found out himself! Clark says there's more. "More?" Bo yells. He's about to bust a forehead vein. Clark adds the bits about the plastic surgery. Bo starts to doubt Lex's story. MamaKent steps forward to opine that they know Clark loves Lex, but that this suave bald man needs psychiatric help. Bo notices something over Clark's shoulder. It's Lex. He's mad. He says you think you know people, but you realize it's all just a façade. MamaKent says they only want what's best for him. Lex asks her to save the "cloying maternal posturing" for her own son. Ouch. Lex says he heard them talking. "Little Kent Cabal," he says. Hee. Lex says it's a selective group, and so secretive. He's...crazy! He thinks they're plotting to pack him off to the loony bin. Chloe runs up, five hours later, and says she tried to stop Lex. Lex spins on her. He's mad at everyone. Lex thinks they're all watching him. Clark goes after Lex and pulls him back by the arm when he tries to walk off. Lex says he's going to find Edge to prove he's not crazy. "You're either with me or against me, Clark, choose right now!" Lex says, right in Clark's face. Clark turns to his parents for a second, but the decision isn't hard. He goes with Lex. MamaKent and Bo are sad about their not-dead gay son.
Hours later, I guess, the red truck pulls up to the warehouse in Metropolis. Lex tells Clark he should maybe wait in the car. Clark says no: "I've got your back." He totally does. In every which way. Clark says that's why he's here. They get out of the truck and go into the warehouse.
Inside, funky sound effects start to play and the camera goes wobbly. There's a sewing shop inside now, with lots of Asian employees, a bulletin board, and everything. Lex looks around, completely flummoxed, as things move in slow motion. People look at him. Lex rubs his neck. Clark suggests that it might be the wrong place. Lex says it's not. "Edge was here," Lex says. "That was only yesterday," Clark tells him. Clark says that the workers look like they've been there a while. Lex says, intensely, that this is all part of the cover-up. Lex says it wouldn't be that hard to bring in some machines and some immigrant labor. Clark says that if Edge wanted to disappear, why would he go through all the trouble? "I don't know!" Lex answers. People keep working. Clark tells Lex that he's gotta ask himself if there's any possibility that he might be imagining all of it. Lex thinks about it, and then grabs an older-looking guy by the shoulders and starts yelling at him. Lex takes the poor guy's hand and throws it on a sewing table, threatening to give him the seam if he doesn't tell Lex where Edge is hiding. Clark pulls him back and says that the guy doesn't understand a word Lex is saying. How does Clark know that? The guy starts yelling at Clark in a language I don't understand. Lex tells Clark that he wins, but he pulls out the red shard and says he's not imagining that part of it. Asian Boss Man yells at them to "Go! Go!" Clark and Lex exit.
Stately Luthor Manor at night. Inside, Lex is looking for more evidence. Clark suggests that they call Sheriff Cheshire to bring in a forensics team. She'll love that. Clark asks Lex what he wants to do. Lex rubs his neck. "Mr. Luthor," a voice says from the doorway. Hootie lives! "Darius," Lex says in disbelief. The camera keeps swinging back and forth between the characters, woozily. Hootie says that they were worried about Lex. Lex goes crazily to Hootie and tells him he's in on this. "In on what, sir?" Hootie asks. Lex points. He frantically goes to his decanter and pours himself some scotch. "Come on, Lex," Clark says, trying to get Lex not to crack up and go Anne Heche on him. "Lex," another voice says. It's Lex's psychiatrist. She says they were looking everywhere for Lex. Lex spins on Clark and asks if he called her. "I don't even know who she is," Clark says. Lex yells that it's his psychiatrist. He says it's a little convenient that she showed up. She says Security called her. "You need to come with me," the doctor says. Lex ain't going anywhere. He says that somebody tried to kill him the night before, and that he jumped through a window. He shows the shard of glass. The psychiatrist, smooth as five cucumbers, says that the window was broken, but that it was caused by Lex's hurling a vase through the hallway window. She shows him the vase she's talking about. Wouldn't the vase have broken as well? Lex shakes his head. The psychiatrist pulls out some pills and offers to give them to Lex. Lex grabs the pills and asks if it's a hallucinogen. She says it's a sedative. The doctor is unamused. Lex accuses her of drugging him to make him crazy. "We need to get you to a hospital," she says. Hootie tries to come closer to Lex. Lex takes a moment, and then grabs Hootie's gun from its holster and starts waving it around, yelling at everyone to get down. Hootie hasn't gotten down since like 1994. Gun waving. Lex raving. Clark tries to get Lex to give him the gun. Lex yells that they're going to send him away, and that he'll either be dead or drooling in a mental ward. Clark asks why they'd do that. Lex screams that it's a perfect plan: as long as he's crazy, nobody will believe what he found out about Papa Luthor and Edge. Doctor Unamused tells Clark that his friend is very sick. She says that these theories are part of Lex's condition. "Shut up!" Lex spits, in an un-suave fashion. Lex says that maybe he is crazy: "I honestly don't know anymore. But what if I'm right about all this?" Clark is as conflicted as his brain will allow. Lex asks Clark not to let them put him away. Clark squints.
Smallville Stables, which looks like a convenience store and bait shop from the outside. I have a feeling great things will happen here. Lana walks in about halfway through the episode, which is some kind of record. She's wearing her pink jacket and pink headband. The horses get ready for some action. Lana calls out, "Hello?" Clark surprises her. Lana says she got Clark's message and brought some food. She asks what's up. Clark turns and reveals Lex, who is sitting on the ground looking disheveled and sad. Lana goes to him. She asks what's wrong. Clark says it's possible that Lex is being drugged. Clark says that people are after Lex, and that he couldn't take him to the farm. Lana asks why Clark didn't tell her about this. He just did. Clark says that he didn't want to put Lana in danger again. Lana asks what they're mixed up in. Clark doesn't really know. But he asks Lana to stay with Lex while he goes to look for some evidence with Chloe. Clark says that they think Chloe's being watched too. It's The Paranoid Hour, with Clark Kent! Welcome our guests Oliver Stone, Spike Lee, and Michael Moore. Lex tells Lana not to worry, and that he'll tell her everything. "Be careful. He's not himself," Clark says. "Go," Lana whispers. How I've come to dread that whisper.
Kent truck. Chloe is waiting in her car as Clark pulls up. Clark hands Chloe the bottle of pills and tells her to find out if they could make someone hallucinate. Chloe says she'll get it to her source at the pharmacology lab. Schmancy. Clark also gives Chloe the name of Doctor Unamused, and asks her to do a background check on her and the security guards. Want some fries with that, Clark? Chloe says she (illegally) dug up some of Lex's medical records. She says he's had psycho incidents like this before, including a time in school when he was singing to a blanket right after his brother died. Chloe calls it "bizarro behavior." Tinkly music plays when she talks about that. Chloe says they need to prepare for the possibility that Lex is really going nuts.
The stables. Lex is eating a sandwich. He thanks Lana for coming. Lana pulls out a big shiny Thermos and offers a drink to Lex. Lex is about to sip, and then stops. "What is this?" he asks. "It's chamomile," Lana says, giving a calming tea smile. She says it'll help Lex TO RELAX! Lex scoffs. "Liar," he says, under his breath. "Huh?" Lana says. "LIAR!" Lex throws the Thermos and accuses Lana of trying to drug him. Why must chamomile tea always lead to arguments like this? Lana says she would never do that. She follows Lex down the stable hallway. Lex grabs her and throws her into one of the stable doors, where she busts through and lands hard on the floor. Lex limps out of the stable door. A horse near Lana begins to whinny and buck. Lana tries to crawl away, but the horse has other plans. He stomps on Lana. Repeatedly. Now, I'm not an advocate of violence or anything, but because of this action, we may end up with less Lana on the show and for that reason alone, this horse is a kind of folk hero. Or a concession by the show's producers that everybody's had enough of her. Regardless, this equine hero, who deserves his own show, has been dubbed Meteor the Stompy Horse (tm mmbarnes). He stomps Lana again. And again. Lana lies still on the ground while hundreds of Meteor fan sites go up on the internet. Clark superzips in to find Lana, splayed out on the floor with her leg crooked and the horse thinking, "Yeah, how ya like me now?" Meteor the Stompy Horse shall be the greatest horse who ever lived apart from Captain Oats.
Commercials. I'm still reeling about the damn horse.
A foggy back road. A truck is driving down the road playing the only crappy alt-rock we'll hear in the episode. A bald man stands in the road, and the truck stops. Lex limps to the driver's side of the truck. "What's the trouble, mister?" the friendly driver asks. Lex slams the driver's head against the steering wheel. Apparently, his head was the trouble. Lex drags the driver's body out of the truck and dumps him down into the woods. Lex gets in the truck and is happy to see a rifle mounted on the gun rack. The truck drives on.
World's most colorful hospital. There's a lighted cabinet with glowing colored medicines inside as Lana lies in a bed. Clark is watching her. Papa Luthor comes and stands to Clark, all friendly. He says he was never sure who was more out of touch with reality: Don Quixote, jousting with imaginary enemies, or "his loyal lackey" Sancho Panza, indulging his master's fantasies (hee) in spite of the danger to everyone else. Clark starts to walk away, pissing off Papa Luthor. Papa asks where he's going. Clark says he's going to find Lex. Clark warns Papa Luthor to be careful. He tells Papa Luthor that Lex is convinced his father's to blame for everything. Papa Luthor is touched by Clark's concern, but he says that Clark knows which of them is to blame. Clark starts to blab, but Papa Luthor stops him with a stern, barking "No, NO!" Papa Luthor barks that if Clark had gotten Lex the help he needed, Lana wouldn't be in the hospital fighting for her life. Hardcore, Clark. Answer that. Clark can't. Chloe interrupts and asks if Clark is all right. Papa Luthor tells Clark not to worry about him. He says his security people are trained to protect him. And to find his son. Papa suggests that Chloe and Clark go home before they do any more damage. Magnificent! Chloe tells Clark after Papa Luthor leaves that the drug analysis showed that the pills were just a sedative. No hallucinogens. Clark has a lot to think about. Lana's still betrampled. Clark tells Chloe he really screwed up. Chloe is still sticking to the drugging theory. She asks how the drugs could have gotten into Lex's system. Clark has an epiphany: the mansion. All the food and drinks there are brought to him. I guess Lex isn't much of a cook.
The mansion. Clark swings open the double doors dramatically. "How'd you do it?" Clark asks. He's talking to Hootie, who was sitting in a chair reading a magazine. "Do what?" he asks. Clark asks how he drugged Lex. Hootie says he doesn't appreciate "some farmboy" accusing him of a felony. Clark tackles Hootie to the ground and pulls his arm around the back. "Don't underestimate farmboys!" Clark says in his girliest, most effeminate voice. He says that baling hay can make you pretty strong. "Come on, man! You're gonna break my arm!" Hootie yells. Hootie's not having a good decade. Clark insists on some info. Hootie finally says it was the scotch. The scotch! I knew it! Well, after I watched the episode the first time, I knew it. But now? I know it! Ominous music plays as we get a shot of the drugged bar. Clark thinks he's Jack Bauer all of a sudden. "Tell me who you're working for!" he screams. Hootie screams back that he doesn't know. He just has a cell-phone number. Clark pulls the arm one more time and tells Hootie to call the number and tell whomever answers to meet Clark at the stables at noon with "a bag full of Benjamins," or Clark will go to the cops. "Bag full of Benjamins?" You're total street, Clark. Hootie gets all paternal and says Clark's crazy and that these people aren't going to pay him off. He says that they'll kill Clark. Clark leans in and softly says, "I'll take my chances," as he smiles. Clark's been watching too many movies.
Papa Luthor's office. A crony named Mike follows him in and punches some codes on a security panel. Then poor Mike gets the butt of a rifle in his face. Ow! Lex is on a tear. Lex pulls a pistol out of Security Guard Mike's holster. "Lex?" Papa Luthor calls. He asks how Lex got in there. Lex, who still looks disheveled in his dark blue shirt, tells Papa Luthor he got in by waving a gun around and acting crazy. Not that it required too much acting. Papa Luthor invites Lex to put the guns down and talk. Lex says it'll be a nice father-son chat. Lex, in a very fey way, nods the gun toward Papa Luthor and says they can talk about how he and Edge conspired to kill Lex's grandparents. Also, how Papa Luthor is drugging him. "Hey?" Lex asks, broadly, "why not do the whole thing on Oprah, you know?" Lex says that they can spill their guts on national TV like regular families do. Lex is doing a Jerry Maguire meltdown scene. Papa Luthor says he found out the same thing Lex did, and that he's angry too: he says the slum lord that owned the tenement hired Edge to blow up the building for the insurance money. Lex shakes his head and says that Papa Luthor planned it. "No! They were my parents," Papa Luthor says. "No matter how badly they treated me, I would never hurt them." It's hard to know whom to believe here. Papa says he knows deep down that Lex doesn't want to hurt him. Lex makes some crazy faces. He says he's disappointed that Papa Luthor hired people to kill Lex. Papa Luthor always told him if you want something done right, to do it yourself. Papa Luthor restates his alibi about The Edge. He says he knows where to find the guy. Lex cocks his gun and points it at Papa Luthor's throat. Papa tries to talk sense into Lex about justice. Lex shushes him. "You'll wake the baby," Lex says suddenly. Wuh? Papa Luthor asks if Lex is seeing Julian. Lex rubs his own head. He says he can't take it when Julian cries. Papa Luthor says that Julian isn't there. He's dead. "No!" Lex yells. Papa Luthor tells Lex he can't blame himself for the baby's death. "Shut up!" Lex bellows. More gun pointing. Papa Luthor knows Lex didn't mean to hurt the baby. More "Shut up!" Papa Luthor says it was an accident. Lex wants to know, right now, where The New Edge is hiding. Papa Luthor agrees to tell him. Papa Luthor writes down an address and warns Lex to be careful. Lex takes the address. "I can't bear to lose another child," Papa Luthor says. Lex pistol-whips Papa with a backhand swing. Yeow. Taken like a Magnificent Victim.
Stables. Clark is waiting for his (giggle) "Benjamins." Instead, a ninja is pointing a high-powered sniper rifle. Clark superzips around the sniper and chokes him with the gun. He says he wants to know where the ninja's boss is, or Clark will keep squeezing.
Cut to Stately Edge Manor, which is nicely tended if the landscaping is any indication. Inside, Edge is looking in the mirror. An older-looking guard is standing by. Edge opens up some French doors and takes in the outside air. His scars are healing up. He's holding his Kryptonite rosary beads. Edge and his guard hear a noise from another room. The guard goes to check it out. With a gun. Something falls. Edge pulls out his own little silver gun. Edge calls for his guard, Jameson. Jenna? Jonah? Edge has a stained-glass hall window, too. Edge find Jameson crumpled up in a heap on the floor. As he stands, we see Lex behind Edge, pointing his gun. Lex says he gave Edge a chance, but that the Extreme Makeover Villain really screwed it up. Edge says that Papa Luthor's the one who screwed up. Lex throws Edge down the hall. He says that if he'd done things his way, Lex would be dead by now. He asks if Lex really thinks he'd have lived if Edge was really trying to kill him. Edge says it was Papa Luthor's idea to make Lex crazy instead. More pushing. "You're lying!" Lex screams. Lex rubs his neck as Edge explains that Papa Luthor has gotten soft and didn't want to lose another son. Edge asks if Lex's neck is still bothering him. He asks if Lex has got muscle aches and sleeplessness, too. Loose bowels? Irritable elbows? Edge says that those are symptoms of the crazy drug.
Lex asks how Edge did it. Edge says that Papa Luthor thought of everything: the drugs, fixing the window, setting up the sweatshop. All details to push Lex over the edge. Lex asks how he knows that Edge didn't do it all himself. Edge tells Lex he wouldn't be staying at such a cushy place if he hadn't cut a deal with Papa Luthor. Edge says it was an elegant plan. Edge says that Papa Luthor doesn't have to win. He says that he and Lex can bring Papa Luthor down together. Lex puts his gun down for a second, and then brings it back up. "Maybe I'll just kill both of you," Lex says. He looks like he's about to shoot. Clark superzips in and takes the gun from Lex. "Hi, Kal," Edge says. "I had a feeling we'd see each other again." Edge shows off his swanky new green stones. Clark moves his head back in a nauseated gesture. Lex asks if they know each other. Edge says that they go way back. Lex accuses Clark of being in on all this. Clark groans and denies it. Clark doubles over. Edge uses it as an opportunity to lay some whup-ass on Clark. He punches Clark in the face. Kicks him in the stomach. Punches him in the face again. The rosary falls apart, sending Kryptonite beads everywhere. Clark's mouth and nose are bleeding. Lex shoots Edge on the shoulder. Edge falls outside. Clark thanks Lex. Lex tells Clark not to thank him; he points the gun down at Clark and says, "You're part of this. I have to kill you, too." Frantic strings! Commercials!
We return to Clark on the floor. I'm not sure that this is unusual with Clark and Lex, except maybe for the gun. (And again, I'm not even sure this isn't just some elaborate bedtime game.) Lex asks if Clark can just crawl away from him. Have you noticed they don't make Clark's veins bulge or the rocks glow anymore when he's exposed to Kryptonite? I guess they figure we get it by now. Clark crawls some more amid the green marbles. He moans that he would never do anything to hurt Lex. Lex asks if Clark betrayed Edge, too, and if that's why he got beaten to a pulp. "What's the price of a Judas kiss these days?" Lex asks, bending down to get the gun in Clark's face.
Lex hears a car engine start up outside. He looks through the French doors, and Edge isn't dead on the ground. Lex lets go of Clark and goes outside. Edge is driving fast in his Beamer. Lex gets in the path of the car, raises his gun, and starts firing. He gets Edge in the shoulder and the chest. Edge dies, but his foot stays on the gas. Lex doesn't move. Clark rushes in and pushes Lex away. Clark stands his ground, throwing his shoulder forward, and we get a nice CGI of the car crumpling around Clark's bent body. The car is a steaming hulk. Clark pries it apart from him and pushes it away. Lex saw everything. He's stunned. He looks at his luvah in new wonder: "I was right about you all along, Clark. You're not even human." Lex has a tear in his eye. He smiles with something like glee.
Before Clark can respond, a big truck pulls up. It's Doctor Unamused and some black-trenchcoat goons. Lex, instead of trying to sound rational, starts in on the car hitting Clark at 80 mph. (I doubt it was that fast.) Lex asks if they saw him. The psychiatrist, looking at Lex with pity, glances in the direction Lex is pointing. Nobody's there. Now, how shitty is it that Clark just left Lex to lie there looking crazy instead of trying to help Lex come up with a suitable alibi? "He was right there," Lex says. Crazy! Doctor Unamused says it's all right. They're going to get him the help he needs. The goons start to help Lex into the truck as he yells, "No! He was right there! Look at the car!...Claaarkkk!" Lex calls. Sadness.
Hospital. Aw, crap, this again. Lana's leg is all braced up in bed. Clark is there with her instead of making sure that Lex is all right. Lana wakes up and asks about Lex. Clark says he's not doing so well. "Sorry," Lana says. "I know how much you wanted to help him." Clark says that Lana's doing better. Wow, that's fair. She says she almost died. Clark knows. We all know. We had a party. Lana says she always thought Clark was being paranoid about it being too dangerous to be around him. Lana says now she believes him, and knows he was only looking out for her: "But you're right. I think I have to stay away from you." Wooooo! Can I get a "Whup whup!" It's time to rejoice! It's time to laugh! Put your hands together and cheer! They finally got the hint! Only two months after the official break-up! Lana closes her eyes in pain. Somewhere, a horse is being rewarded with extra sugar cubes. Clark is like, "Well, damn, finally! I was wondering what I was going to have to do to get you away from me."
Some sort of maximum-security prison-type place. A searchlight is going and there's fog. A sign says it's Belle Reve Sanitarium. And unless you're crazy, you should Keep Out. Belle Reve, incidentally, is the homestead (it means, "Beautiful Dream") that Blanche Dubois lost in A Streetcar Named Desire. Inside, Doctor Unamused, wearing a white lab coat, is walking down a hallway. She's stopped by Papa Luthor, who was hiding behind some shelves, looking all scary. He asks why these institutions always "stink of ammonia." She doesn't answer. He asks how Lex is doing. She says that, now that he's committed, she can control his meds more tightly. She says that by the time they finish treatment, he won't have any short-term memory left. Papa Luthor sighs. "Wasn't that exactly what you wanted?" she asks. He looks at her sharply: "Never believe for a second, doctor, that this is what I wanted. I love my son more than life itself. But he leaves me no choices." Papa Luthor steps forward as the familiar strains of a guitar play. It's Johnny Cash's version of "Hurt." Papa Luthor stares into a large window, where Lex is sitting in a padded room. (Padded except for the one-way mirrored wall.) "I hurt myself today," Johnny says, "to see if I still feel." Lex, in a straightjacket, gets himself up on his feet. He's got deep, purple circles under his eyes. "I focus on the pain." Lex stares at himself in the mirror. "The only thing that's real." Lex casts his eyes down. "The needle tears a hole/ The old familiar sting." Lex may be crying. It's hard to tell with the light. We cut to Papa Luthor, who does have tears in his eyes as they remain fixed on his son. "Try to kill it all away/ But I remember everything."
Cut to Lana in her hospital bed. Clark watches her from outside the room. The camera pulls back as people walk by and time slows down. The guitar jangles. "What have I become?" Johnny continues, "My sweetest friend."
Back to Lex. He stares off into space. Papa Luthor puts his hand on the glass. "Everyone I know/ Goes away in the end." The camera pulls back as Papa Luthor stands there, holding his hand near the place where Lex's insane face stares. The song skips to the end: "If I could start again/ A million miles away." Papa Luthor puts his hands in his pockets. We pull back to reveal the glass room. "I would keep myself," Johnny sings. We go to black. "I would find a way." God bless Johnny Cash. I don't even mind that The WB wants you to buy his CD. In fact, you should probably go do that.
Wow. That ending. Stunning. Wonderful. It's okay to cry. I won't tell anybody. What an amazing episode.
time: Eat some turkey, or if you're a vegetarian, some cranberries. I'll see you in January.