At the Smallville production offices, May 2003:
Al Gough: Man.
Miles Millar: Yeah.
Al: Damn.
Miles: You said it.
Al: What happened? We were doing fine, right? What have we done?
Miles: What's this "we" shit, white man?
Al: You're white too.
Miles: Oh. Damn. Well, what are we gonna do? We completely boned ourselves here! Season Two started off so well!
Al: Ah yes. Eye ejaculation.
Miles: People aren't happy, Al. People are starting to grumble.
Al: Wait, I know! [Dials phone]
Smallville Original Creator Tim McCanlies: Hello?
Al: Hey, it's Miles and Al!
Tim McCanlines: I already told you guys to leave me the hell alone. [Hangs up.]
Al: Well, crap.
Miles: Look, calm down. Here's what we'll do. We'll tone down the Lana. We'll let Lex take his shirt off. We'll film everything in Metropolis all gritty and blue and verité. Shit, we could even give Bo Duke some superpowers.
Al: You know...that's just crazy enough to work.
Miles: It better. Because I'm not going back to cranking out more Shanghai Noon movies.And...Scene.
Welcome back, folks. Let's get this season started, quickly.
The extended flashback brings us back up to speed, but then if that's what you wanted, you could go read last season's finale recap. That's why we keep it around. We open with a full moon and a cloudy sky. "Three Months Later," the title card reads. "HD Presented by RCA" is also shown on the screen with the RCA dog, and the way he's facing, it looks like he's sniffing the huge Daily Planet rooftop globe, which suddenly comes into view. The glove spins and we soar over it and through its planetary hoop. We swoosh past spotlights, and down to the street level, where a very shaggy-headed Clark Kent is bouncing to the beat of his own internal music, which I hope is better than the jaunty alt-crap that's playing. Quick shot of Clark's hand: Yep, he's still got the red Kryptonite ring. And it's his right hand, so we don't know if he got married (or had a civil ceremony depending on the sex of this imaginary spouse I've conjured for him) in those three months. You can tell by the way Clark uses his walk, he's a woman's man: no time to talk. Except for when he's a man's man. Then he's The Sexy. It's nighttime, yet Clark spots a "Metropolis Luxury Auto" dealership that's still open. Inside, a very sleek silver car (is that a Lamborghini? I don't know from cars) is spinning around on a showroom-floor turntable. Clark does a little "Mmm, I am interested in this insert shot" gesture with his lips.
We're inside the showroom watching Clark come in from the opposite angle. He eyes the car with something like lust.
The alt-crap-rock is still playing as we cut to Clark breaking into an ATM. We pan to see three identical smoking Bank of Metropolis ATMs that have already been robbed. Clark shoves money into a black leather bag. Have you ever seen a line of ATMs like that, all in a row? I never have. Clark smiles. He's rich, beeyatch!
Ah, it is a Lamborghini. Just a lucky guess. Clark returns to the vehicle and circles around it with his newly cash-heavy black bag. "I like this car. How much is it?" he asks. It's not a cow, Clark. It's a bunch of horses...and their power...in machine form, I guess. I don't know from cars. "If you have to ask, you can't afford it," says a slinky blonde saleswoman, who has her hair up and her morals down, I'm willing to bet. Is that really the best opening line for someone trying to get rid of a fine automotive driving machine and earn a nice commission? "Try me," Clark says. He's still talking about the car, the fool. "$240,000," the woman tells him. Clark whistles. "This should cover it," Clark says. He opens something up, and the way I have it paused, the woman and her over-made-up face are looking down at something nastily. It's the leather bag, full of $20 bills. That's the way all the millionaires are buying their $240,000 cars these days. In $20 bills. Nothing impresses the sexy saleswomen more. Clark, with his bad-boy attitude, asks to take the car for a test drive. The Salesho smiles. She's been using Whitestrips.
Cut to a Metropolis Inquisitor front page: "R.I.P. LEX -- Search called off -- funeral Friday." A sexy picture of Lex peeks out as if to say, "Even in death, I am sexier than you will ever be, Metropolis." The newspaper is lying in the street and is run over by the Lamborghini, which screeches to a stop right on Lex's face. The camera starts way up above the vehicle and cranes down to open on the passenger side as the Salesho exits Clark's new ride. You know Al and Miles wrote this one because there's a brief shot of panties as she gets out of the car. Oh, you nasty boys. They've arrived at a nightclub with thumping beats and flashing lights. Professional Pretty People are standing around as Clark snakes his way through the crowd. A short guy in a suit, who has a thin soul patch, greets Clark and says, "Cool ride, Kal." Heh. "Kal." "You like it?" Clark asks. "It's yours." He passes the keys to the guy. Clark and his date get to walk home now. So Clark is evil, but he steals from the rich to give to the slightly less rich? So he's sort of like Robin Hood, but stupid. Some Sean Paul-sounding hip-hop is playing in the club. People are shakin' it. Very nicely designed signs show that "Atlantis" is the name of the club. Everything is blue. At the bar, the Salesho -- who is wearing a one-shouldered top -- asks where Clark is from. He pivots to put his back against the bar and says it's a place he's trying to forget. How noir of him. "Me too," she says, smiling with collagen-bearing lips. Clark doesn't look like he much cares. She kisses him, very heavily, on the mouth. She runs a hand on his chest and notices his big gnarly scar. "It's a birthmark," Clark says. Ha! We had a skit that we did in our comedy troupe a long time ago about Santos Claus (the Mexican Santa Claus) and we had two people playing little kids, but one of them was an adult with a big, bushy moustache. So there's a part where Santos Claus asks him, "Aren't you a little young to have a moustache?" And the kid says, very sadly, "It's a birthmark!" It was freakin' hilarious. Anyway, onward: Salesho says it's pretty big for a birthmark. And symmetric. And raised up something nasty. Clark grabs her wrist roughly and says, "Don't touch." She says that hurts, calls Clark a jerk, and walks off. His red ring must have given Clark Schwarzeneggerian powers. It's okay, though, because Clark has a friend -- a bartender with big hair like Justin from American Idol, but the harmless, smiling charm of Isaac from The Love Boat. I doubt we'll ever see him again after this episode. Smiley the Bartender says that Clark rolls in with a different babe every night, but always leaves empty-handed. Oh, I doubt that hand is empty after he leaves. "What are you, a monk or something?" Smiley asks. Hey, you're the one with two earrings and a happy Zen-like demeanor. Clark bats his eyelashes in full flirtation mode and asks what the point is of starting something that will end badly? Like, say, The X-Files? Clark drops $100 on the bar, which doesn't seem so impressive considering he gave the doorman a Lamborghini.
Outside the club, Clark is walking out in his short-sleeved black club shirt. The Queer Eye guys must have gotten rid of all his flannel over the summer. As he crosses the street, Clark suddenly doubles over and coughs. He puts his hands to his chest and keeps walking despite the pain, very Ratso Rizzo. Clark goes toward a phone booth that is labeled, simply, "phone." He groans as he throws himself into the booth. He hacks and rips open his shirt. Everything is shot in that blue city lens filter, but as we see his chest, the 8-mark on his chest is a glowing, sickly orange. Clark grits his teeth and goes, "GRRRR!" He falls to the floor inside the booth. Clark manages to tear the red ring off his finger. He pants in relief. Dramatic music plays as Clark eyes the pay phone.
Kent house. The phone rings and MamaKent answers it. We cut to Clark in the phone booth. He doesn't say anything. MamaKent asks if it's Clark. No answer. Clark just pants. He looks like he wants to cry. MamaKent begs him to come home. She purses her lips with great sadness. Clark can't take it. He hangs up the phone. MamaKent, wearing a seasonal orange top, hangs up her receiver.
In the phone booth, Clark puts the ring back on and his veins get all knotty and red. The stuff works its way up to his bicep. Clark sucks in the power. He opens his eyes and they're glowing red. He's hungry like the wolf.
Opening credits. They haven't changed a bit! Somebody chaaaaaaaaaange them!
Metropolis skyline. Hey, I can see Sars's place from here! Actually, this skyline is kinda ugly and weird-looking and somehow a newspaper building is the tallest structure in town. Right. We're rolling in the dough in this industry. That explains my one-percent raise this year. We go inside a building where...hey, who are these clowns? No, seriously, there are actual clowns. Or at least guys in big, scary Insane Clown Posse masks. "Everybody get down!" one of them yells. I prepare for a groovin' dance scene, but instead, we're inside a bank and if there's a groove here, it's the part of The Beastie Boys' "Paul Revere" where it goes, "Hands went up and people hit the floor." The Insane Clown Posse aim very menacing-looking guns at people. The camera work here is very high-speed-shutter and jumpy. The clowns are still telling people to get the hell down. George Clinton would have made a great bank robber.
Cut to a helicopter flying over Metropolis.
Back in the bank, a security guard tries to make a move, or as much of a move as you can make sliding across the floor. He gets wasted. Right after that, someone on a motorcycle crashes through a window. The clowns look surprised. Or at least they probably do under those hideous masks. The motorcyclist slides into one of the clowns, knocking him over. Close-up of a red ring on a white hand. The motorcycle rider is our man Clark-Kal. He dismounts (don't forget the kickstand!) and faces us. Clark is wearing a black ski mask. One of the clowns is told to "get that bastard." "Orphan," not "bastard." Extra The Clown shoots his Uzi at Clark. The shots, trailing circles, fly in slow-motion bullet time. Clark bats one of them away like he's Daniel-san. More gunshots. Clark dodges them. This is just like that scene in Pootie Tang where Pootie dodges the bullets, except Clark doesn't have pigtails to help deflect them. Clark finishes his little display by grabbing the last bullet. That boy's got style. Extra The Clown gets tapped on the shoulder. It's Clark, holding up the bullet in his fist. "Stick to balloon animals," Clark says. Not bad, not bad. At least he didn't say "No more clowning around." Really loud Metallica music is playing. Or at least it sounds like Metallica. It's not like anybody's still listening to them these days. Another clown starts taking shots at Clark. Clark goes straight to him, grabs the lapels and says, "Sorry, Krusty. I saw the bank first." Nice! Clark drags Krusty over the counter and throws him on the floor. Quick shot of a SWAT team assembling outside. Clark grabs a tote bag full of money and carries it off. The singer in this stupid song is yelling, "My lifestyle determines my deathstyle" over and over again. No, I think your lifestyle was determined by your dad touching your bunghole when you were seven. As Clark walks to the exit, one of the now-unmasked clowns -- who has a puffy face and long wavy hair -- watches him.
Outside, we get more helicopter and SWAT footage. Clark walks right out the front door, where he's met by a bunch of police cars. The super LadyCop from last season is holding a megaphone. She tells Clark to drop his weapon. Clark reaches into his jacket. The SWAT team fires on him. Clark is unfazed. He takes a few bullets, and then eye-ejaculates at the hood of a police car. Clark, don't ejaculate on something the taxpayers just bought! Cops scatter as the police cruiser blows up good. LadyCop looks shaken. She runs over to where Clark was standing and finds a bunch of spent bullets and a mask with a bunch of holes in it.
Cut to a shady part of town with an elevated train in the background. Clark superspeeds into the scene with a triumphant smile.
Kent Farm at dusk. Inside, a copy of the Daily Planet carries the headline, "Masked Man continues to rampage Metropolis." Is that really correct usage for "Rampage"? Sneaky Pete is in the house with MamaKent and Bo Duke. I managed to forget about Pete almost completely over the summer; he is now wearing his signature yellow jacket. He says that Clark's crimes keep getting bigger and bigger. MamaKent says they can't be sure it's Clark. Pete says it is Clark, but he says it in a way meant to stretch his presence to three whole lines. Close-up on the photo in the paper. It shows LadyCop pointing a gun at Clark in the foreground, and a masked Clark standing off in the distance. Bo tells Pete to get in the truck. He's going to get his coat. MamaKent tells Pete to wait, and goes to ask Bo where he's going. Bo says he's going to get Clark. MamaKent says that Clark knows what the red stuff does, and can take the ring off anytime. Bo says he doesn't know that for sure. Ignorance is the pious man's Kryptonite. MamaKent says that the phone calls are a first step. Bo says he doesn't want to sit around this farmhouse and not do anything anymore. Wow, I guess without Clark to do the chores, the farm's really gone to shit, huh? MamaKent asks what Bo will do if he does find Clark. MamaKent does some exposition about how much they've been searching for Clark and how they filed a missing person's report. Nobody was able to ID Clark from those ATM cameras? MamaKent emphatically makes the point that Clark doesn't want to be found. She comforts a shaken Bo and says that Clark will come home when he's ready. And after he's drained Metropolis of her precious, precious cash. MamaKent says that they have to have faith. You heard her, people. Let's try to muster up some faith for Season Three.
The Talon. The American flag, she is a-wavin'. The marquee: "Open Mike Night/ Get Out of the Shower/ Get Into the Talon." I guess they gave up trying to come with different things to put up there. People walk outside The Talon. Some guy in a blue coat is on a cell phone, all, "Can you hear me now?" Inside, Lana -- in a pink tank top -- is carrying a tray of cappuccino and cake. Chloe comes in wearing a slinky black top with big colorful mushrooms near the see-through top part. Strange. Stranger still is Chloe's short do, which makes her look a little like Spike from Buffy. Well, from a distance, at least. Chloe says she hasn't seen Lana all week, even though they still live in the same room. Lana says that Chloe's dad told her Chloe spent the day at The Daily Planet. Chloe snarks about having to pick up dry cleaning for her editor. Chloe asks Lana to lunch. Lana says she can't, since she's gotta deal with accountants who've taken over the business since Lex disappeared. Chloe offers chauffer services and moral support for Lex's funeral. Close up, it now appears that Chloe has Tony Hawk's hairdo from 1991. Lana thanks her, but says she's going with the Kents. Way to include Chloe, you little pink harpy. Chloe asks Lana if she's heard from Clark. Lana says she's planning to go stay with Nell (remember her?) in Metropolis and search for Clark. Chloe makes the point that Clark isn't lost. Lana, displaying actual human emotions, tells Chloe that she hasn't written Clark off, nor given up hope. Chloe says that Clark made a conscious decision to leave his friends, family, and "the girl he claimed to love." Lana looks stricken, and ducks sideways from the camera's view. Chloe rolls her eyes. She follows Lana and says she's worried about her. "I'm the last person you need to worry about," Lana says. Lana is the worst friend and roommate there ever was. Chloe doesn't slap Lana the way any normal person would have, but instead advises that pining over Clark only leads to personal misery. Or a plane crash over the high seas. Chloe says that Lana needs to move on, since Clark obviously has. "I don't believe that," Lana says. I don't even have the energy to verbally bitch-slap her right now. Lana says she thinks Clark is waiting for the right person to find him. (George Clooney.) Chloe watches after Lana, concerned beyond the limits of human endurance.
On the bad side of the tracks in Metropolis, Clark is lying on some very luxurious blue satin sheets. The make-up person who had to do that big scar had to get awfully close to his nipples there. Puffy-headed clown (sans clown mask) and a tough-looking black dude whip out guns and point them at the shape under the sheet. Now, while Clark, in his three months here, has probably gotten used to strange men hovering over his bed and pointing things at him, this time it's probably not expected. The two men shoot up Clark's nice bed, and down feathers go everywhere. In the distance, a car alarm goes off. (Huh?) The two men get closer to the bed. Puffy Head nudges the bed with his gun. Clark throws up the duvet, SURPRISE!, and grabs them both by their necks. He throws them across the room, smashing up his own knickknacks. Nobody said Clark's anger was particularly smart.
Clark stands. The camera shows us the guys writhing on the floor with Clark's hand in the foreground. He's rubbing at the red ring like it's a mosquito bite. Clark asks who sent them. I really hope this isn't the extended "Who sent you?" bit from Austin Powers. "I did," an even puffier man says as he emerges. It's Rutger Hauer, and while I love him and his Haueristic stylings in films past, I gotta say: he's not looking too fresh. Hauer is Morgan Edge, and he's wearing glasses and a suit. His face is almost as big as Clark's whole apartment. The Edge reaches a hand out toward Clark for a shake. Clark moves toward it, and then turns away to look at something else. Ooh, dis! Outside the window, it looks like we can see mountains in the background of the Metropolis skyline. Oh yes, the majestic Kansan Rockies. The Edge admires Clark's chest scar and asks how he got it. "My dad's a real bastard," Clark responds. True Dat Ngyuen. Clark puts on a shirt with a picture of a glowing green diamond on the front. The hell is that supposed to symbolize? The Edge says he's here because Clark came and flashed money at his club and then interrupted Edge's boys at the bank. I can understand the bank part, but the club? Does P.Diddy ever frequent Metropolis? Metropolis must not have a very robust rap community. Clark can barely hold his derision. "Those clowns? They work for you?"Clark asks. Rutger Hauer is very craggy in close-up. He says that Clark's made quite a reputation for himself. He says he set up this test for Clark to see if he was man or myth: "Clearly, you're both." Huh? Clark acts all cocky and calls him "Mr. Edge," as if it's a total put-down. As name-calling goes, it's not as good as "Miss Hardwick." The Edge says he has a job for Clark. This is very Grand Theft Auto: Fake City. Clark says he's not looking for work, and that he likes to "fly solo." I taste gorgonzola. The Edge says that Clark's just a kid, and that Edge is the biggest crime boss in Metropolis. Clark says he would think Edge could afford better help. The two thugs get up exhaustedly. That really hurt their feelings. The Edge says he has a job that'll make Clark "Midas rich." Clark has to steal all the brake pads in Metropolis. The Edge says that, when Clark is ready to stop playing little leagues, he knows where to find The Edge. Um, not really. You got a business card or a Palm Pilot beam you can shoot over, Edgy? Clark eyes The Edge as he gets up to leave, but it's only a little gay. I'm sure there'll be more later.
The Caves of Plot Contrivance. Chloe is down there looking for Papa Luthor. Now that Clark's out of town, isn't it time to find a more convenient place to meet? Papa Luthor appears, magically bastardicious. Chloe says she got Papa Luthor's message and was surprised he wanted to meet, given that Lex's funeral is the day. Papa Luthor says, coldly, that his son is dead, and that he has to get on with the business of living. In Hell. Papa Luthor points out a spot on the cave wall that's been caulked over and painted brown. He says that there used to be an octagonal key hole there. Chloe doesn't remember it. Papa Luthor says it was right there, and puts his hand on the spot. Of course it was. It screams "Home Depot $2.99 All-Purpose Caulk." But then, so does Clark sometimes. Papa Luthor says that the hole grew over (ew) the same day of that "inexplicable" explosion on Kent Farm and the same day that Clark went into exile. Only he could say the episode title and not make it sound silly. Papa asks whether Chloe's seen Clark. Chloe fumbles a bit, but says that after their fight, she'd be the last person Clark would call. Papa Luthor chuckles. He pulls out a newspaper and says he's enjoyed reading Chloe's column. He says she's a good writer. He reads something she wrote: "The worst sin of age is to forget the trials of youth." He chuckles again. He says he wishes the report she did on Clark had the same kind of insight. He wants her to throw around some lame generalizations in her profile? Papa Luthor's disappointed that Chloe's vigor in investigating Clark has waned. She complains that it's hard to stay interested when the subject has disappeared. Papa says it's a test of her reporter's mettle. He threatens to make the opportunity vanish like the key-hole in the wall. Chloe says that threatening her won't make Clark reappear. Papa reads another sentence: "All decisions have consequences." I sure hope that's out of context because if it isn't, her column is pretty lame-o. Papa asks whether Chloe is going to run away from her responsibilities like Clark did. He exits with full bastard powers intact. The camera moves toward a cave painting of what looks like a dragon.
The dragon glows and suddenly morphs into a set of clouds and a green island in the middle of an ocean. It's cheesy, but not badly done. We pull down past the clouds and onto the island's sandy stretch. The camera turns around on Lex Luthor's naked torso, which is all scratched up, and zooms in on his face. His pretty left eye suddenly opens and music plays dramatically. He's baaaaaaack!
Commercials. Remember how hyped everyone was for the new Matrix movies? That seems like so, so long ago.
The Isle of Volcanic Doom. It is an eeevil Lay-air. Lex spasms awake, shoving his nice smooth face right at the camera. Lex is pretty to' up. He's got sores on his shoulders, sores on his formerly perfect bald head, and scratches all over. If you're into the rough stuff, this is exactly your sexy dream right here. Did I mention he has no shirt on? Lex has no shirt on. "Where am I?" Lex asks, breathlessly. A voice behind him says that he's the same place he's been for the last three months: "Paradise." The man has long dreadlock-looking brown hair and cargo pants. He's got a rope belt, fancy shell bracelets, and even a necklace. Instead of trying to build a boat or groom, he's taken to making island jewelry he'll eventually sell on QVC if he's ever rescued.
Getting up from his makeshift hut, our new scruffy friend uses a stick to help himself to his feet and says that Lex had a fever dream from the malaria. He pokes his stick into a small fire. "You were calling her name again," says Scruffy Island Guy, who looks a lot like the kind of Austin women you'll see at any drum circle or outdoor festivals where crawfish are sold. "Who?" Lex asks. "That bitch who set you up," Island Guy says. He may have scraggly hair, but his goatee is trimmed and rounded off more neatly than mine is. He must have trained the sand crabs to give him straight-razor shaves. Lex looks pissed. He tells "Lewis" that he appreciates all the help and that unnecessary back massage last night, but if the guy calls Lex's wife that again, Lex won't be held responsible for his actions. Lex does this while crawling over to Lewis, giving his whole ass, dressed in fancy pinstripe pants, a shove toward the camera. Lex fans everywhere melt in appreciation. Castaway Lewis chuckles and, in his best Steve Zahn voice, says that he was going over Lex's story in his head: Lex wakes up, Dr. Dropkick and the pilot are gone.... Lex growls and gets up. He's not trying to hear that. Lewis says that Lex at least has to consider it. Lex asks if there isn't anything else they could talk about. Sports, maybe? Not really, says Lewis. "Why don't you go work on the raft," Lex says, pointing to a crude raft now behind him. This scene is brought to you by the same God that gives Clark's loft its sunset view. Lewis pooh-poohs the raft idea: Lex could be drifting for weeks and die alone. Lex grips Lewis and hisses that he wants off the island, and he wants to find the truth. Lewis ignores Lex and counts the possibilities: Papa Luthor set them both up, Dr. Dropkick did it on her own, or the two of them were "in league." Lex shakes his head in disbelief. Lewis asks why Lex is in such a hurry to get back to a family so twisted. Lewis must not have heard about the pretty farmboy. Lex and his low-slung pants turn toward the raft. I don't remember him being this muscular the last time we saw him without a shirt. Lewis pursues Lex and says he has to stop looking at the island like a curse and accept it as a gift. "Shut up!" Lex yells. Don't talk to your human volleyball like that, Lex. Lewis yaps about Lex being stripped down to his essentials and the outside world thinking he's dead. He caresses Lex's shoulder. Um...hmmm.... "Why not let your old self rest in peace?" Lewis asks as Lex grunts and grimaces. Wait. Is that an indecent proposal? Did he just...was that a...was he suggesting...? Oh goodness. That was the Gayest Look of the Episode and I almost completely missed it.
A slab of black marble. "LEX LUTHOR," it reads, in white serif letters. Papa Luthor is talking. He says the cruelest thing that can happen to a parent is the death of a child. Or having a child who grows up to be Tara Reid. Shot of MamaKent and Bo Duke looking especially stricken. Papa Luthor says that Lex was touched by greatness and that we'd only begun to see his potential. It turns out, coincidentally, that Lex's nickname for Clark used to be "Greatness." Lana is sniffling. With her hair and black dress, she's looking a little Norah Jones today. Papa Luthor says he can only imagine the heights Lex would have achieved if his life...hadn't been.... He trails off, obviously pained. "...Cut short, so tragically," he concludes. He puts a fist to his mouth and turns away from the gathering of people. Lana's mouth twitches, which means someone's nearby. She turns and spots Clark way in the back. Papa Luthor goes on about how there are unanswered questions about Lex's death, and that he hopes they'll be resolved someday. Lana backs out in slow motion to go after Clark. Papa Luthor says that answers won't bring Lex back, but that he would have searched 1,000 years if he thought Lex could be found. So he already found a body? Found the debris from the plane? Because we never find out what measures were taken to look for Lex or even how he survived the crash. Maybe we'll get more info week. I'm not hopeful, but we'll see. Lana looks for Clark, but he's gone. She looks like she's got Rogue's white streaks from X2, but that could just be the sunlight. "In my heart, I will be searching for my son forever," Papa Luthor says, and it's heartbreaking. "So will I," someone says. It's Dr. Dropkick. She's carrying huge pink/purple flowers. She has a son? She steps forward and places the flowers in a silver vase that was holding white lilies. Papa Luthor goes to her, and the bastard is back. He says that if she's there to grandstand for the paparazzi, he'll have her escorted out. Shouldn't they have settled this before the funeral? She says she's there to pay her last respects to her husband. Papa Luthor excuses himself before "the hypocrisy begins." He walks off, true to his word. Crane shot of him walking past the huge marble marker. Dropkick looks like she's going to address everyone, but we cut away before she says anything.
Clark in an elevator! Livin' it up while he's goin' down! Or up. He's going up. Sorry. The elevator dings and opens. Chloe, dressed in bright red, is standing there. Her haircut is very 'Til Tuesday right now. Clark rushes her before she can explain and says he told her never to come back. Clark asks who else knows he's there. Chloe says that no one really knows, but that they need to talk. Clark says he's busy. He tries to slam the door on Chloe, but not really because if he were really trying, he'd have taken off one of her arms. Chloe says she's coming in. She says that Clark came to Metropolis and now he's a completely different person. "Maybe it's the real me," he says. Is Chloe commuting to Metropolis, by the way? Just curious. Chloe says she prefers the Country Clark. She looks around and asks how he can afford all the minimalist furniture and scant possessions he's got. Chloe, have you ever seen American Gigolo? Clark asks why; is she going to write a big story or put him in her column? Um, narcissism much? Chloe says she kept Clark's secret (the one about where he's living, not his big secret) because she was hoping he'd get a grip and go home. Clark seems amused by this whole presentation. Clark says he's erased Smallville from his past. Just like I erased it from my TiVo all last season. Chloe asks if that's why he's wearing his class ring. Didn't they establish before that those class rings were bad news? Doesn't Chloe recognize the mutant stone? Chloe asks what Clark is gonna do if Lana or Bo Duke shows up at Clark's doorstep. Clark says he's through explaining himself. Chloe says that Lana is a wreck. So nothing has changed with her, then? Also, the Kents are losing the farm. Clark gets up from his comfy seat and says he's never going to go back anyway. The show's just going to have to be called Due North About Three Hours From Smallville. Chloe says Clark wasn't forced into "Exile." (It doesn't sound as natural from Chloe.) She says he ran away from his problems. Clark suddenly has a Prilosec moment. He plays with his nipples with his balled-up fists. Chloe -- in that lectured way that always works with disagreeable people -- says he's not being noble, he's being a coward. Clark growls and turns it into a sentence: "GrrrrrChloe get out!" He grabs her and tells her that if she tells anyone where he is, he'll go so far from Metropolis she'll never find him. Like maybe the North Pole, where a bunch of ice crystals will play for you like DVDs? Chloe pushes him away and says she doesn't even know who he is anymore. She'd be better off on The O.C. anyway. "Get out!" Clark screams. Chloe finally looks a little scared. She dashes away. Clark closes the door and rips his shirt open. Yep. Heartburn. The scar-tissue kind. He moans and lands on the floor. He rips the ring off and the pain goes away. Ring goes on. Ring comes off. Ring goes on. Ring comes off.
Stately Luthor Manor. Maybe it's a trick of the light, but the top half of the manor looks like it's covered in blood. We're in Lex's study. The camera pans past three blu botols. Dr. Dropkick bursts in carrying a bunch of shopping bags. She's wearing red pants and a red speckled stretch top that makes her look like she's about to teach a salsa class. Slow Sarcastic Clapping from up above in the book stacks. Dropkick smiles and looks up at Papa Luthor. He accuses her of acting like a grieving widow at the funeral. But he dresses up the phrasing a bit. She tells Papa to get out of her house. He says she can drop the act and reminds her that it's not her house...yet. For a widow, she's smiling a lot. She asks why he's there. He accuses her of murder. "I didn't murder Lex," she says. Papa Luthor does the sarcastic recounting of events. She'd said she woke up having been robbed, saw the pilot had jumped from the plane, and found one parachute left. Lex insisted she use it instead of just grabbing onto her and sharing the chute. Papa Luthor says that's a wonderful piece of fiction. Dr. Dropkick looks pretty good with her new hairdo, actually, but those Penélope Cruz puffy eyes need some cucumber slices. She says that the police would find it interesting that he hired her to spy on Lex. "You murdered my son," Papa Luthor says. "I won't rest until I've brought your duplicity to light." Dude, "Duplicity" was last season. But again: only Papa Luthor may say the names of episode titles without sounding like Product Placement Pete. Dropkick smiles again, and Papa Luthor makes to leave, but stops, Columbo-style, to tell her that while black widows are powerful predators, every predator is someone else'e prey. He drags out "prey" deliciously. Exit Papa Luthor. Sadly, no Emmy nomination.
Some hastily assembled chunks of wood are pushed aside by grubby hands. The hands aren't the only grubby thing: there are actual grubs crawling around. Lex smiles and starts clutching handfuls of worms and dirt. He eats like he's tearing apart an Awesome Blossom. Lex hears something overhead. He runs and busts through plastic foliage. Up in the sky: a jetliner. "Lewis!" Lex yells. Lex scrambles. He lights a big stick on fire. He yells some more about the plane. Lewis is sitting, very serene, not really caring. "What's your problem?" Lex asks angrily. Lex says it's the first plane that's flown over in months. Lewis says it's long gone. Lex has a freakout, à la Tom Hanks, but instead of yelling that there's no crying in baseball, he just says, "That's great! That's just great!" Lewis says the people on the plane are never going to see the fire. Lex calls Lewis a son of a bitch and says he has to get off this island. He lunges at Lewis clumsily, but our white Rasta friend dodges, lets Lex fall, and puts a foot to Lex's neck. Lewis gives Lex the crazy eyes and says that, in his heart, Lex knows that this is where he belongs. Creepy! He suggests that Lex accept it. Lex tells Lewis to stay away from him (um, island?) and calls him a freak. Lewis doesn't seem very upset by that.
The Fortress of Vacantitude. We pan past a box that's been marked "Clark's loft." Clark walks slowly up the stairs to his darkened former teen bachelor pad. He's wearing a green shirt, which really means nothing to me. He looks around, sadly. He picks up a framed family photo from happier times. MamaKent is talking downstairs; it's a little strange that Clark missed them down there. She says that the bank wants them out before the auction. Bo says it's amazing that you can put your whole life on the back of a pick-up truck. If it worked for The Beverly Hillbillies.... MamaKent asks whether Bill Ross is still fine with them storing stuff in his garage. Yeah. Bill is fine with that. We'll never get to meet him, but he's fine. MamaKent says that Lana gave them the keys to the apartment over The Talon. Wait, there's an apartment over The Talon and Lana went to go inconvenience Chloe and her dad with her stupid living situation? Lana is dumber than a box full of bags full of hammers dumped into a giant gelatinous blob. MamaKent's voice breaks as she says that the apartment is small. The cows will have to sleep in the kitchenette. Bo hugs MamaKent. She breaks down crying. Clark, upstairs, looks sad. MamaKent says it's not fair; the farm has been in their family for three generations -- four if you count Clark, and you probably shouldn't at this point. Bo, ever the optimist, asks when their lives ever been fair. Er, when you found a superpowered boy who could do all your farm chores? Then, maybe? Bo asks if she remembers the day they found out they couldn't have kids. She grabbed his hands and told him not to worry. She said they would have happy days again. What she meant was that Happy Days would be in syndication soon and their sad lives would receive at least that small distraction every night right before the evening news. "You were right," Bo whisper-bellows. "We have had happy days." Yes. The Fonz rules. Can we move on? MamaKent is still crying, and it's heartbreaking. Bo says he's here to tell MamaKent that even though Clark's not around, they'll have happy days again. Maybe because of that. MamaKent kisses Bo through her tears. Clark gets icked out and knocks something over. Way to ruin their one night of sex all year, bonehead. "Clark!" MamaKent yells hysterically and runs up to the loft. She yells it again and again, but SuperJerk is gone. Bo picks up the framed photo. MamaKent runs to the loft window and yells it out into the night. Then she whispers it. "Clark..." But she should be saying, "Jackass!"
Sappy alt-crap plays as we go to The Talon. Lana comes down some stairs. Is she holding "Lost" flyers featuring Clark's picture? He's not a cocker spaniel, jeez. Chloe is waiting for her at the pastry bar. She apologizes to Lana for talking sense and not conforming to Lana's twisted, six-year-old view of the world. But whatever. Let's be friends. Lana blows it off and says that they're all dealing with Clark's absence in different ways. No, that's not what Chloe was saying at all but, again, whatever, Lana. Chloe says she ripped out the emotional ripcord, whatever that means. She's got Madonna-from- the-"Vogue"-video hair. Lana says she's not going to give up on Clark without a fight, and that she already blew it once. "How?" Chloe asks. Lana says that Clark asked her to go to Metropolis with him, but she refused. She thinks if she'd said yes, she could have talked him into coming back. Yes, but...no. Chloe says you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. Maybe the new theme song should say that instead. Lana says she loves Clark. But she looks down when she says it. Chloe says that's not exactly breaking news. Lana smiles, because having her deepest feelings belittled ain't no new thang. Lana says she saw Clark for a second at Lex's funeral. Lana shows Chloe her flyers, which show a dorky picture of Clark with the words, "Have you seen this boy?" If there were any chance Clark was going to come back with you, Lana, those flyers will certainly make him think twice. Chloe tries not to laugh. Lana asks for a ride. A three-hour ride. Nice friend, there. Maybe Chloe has other plans. Chloe, to save Lana embarrassment, says she knows where Clark is, and that the flyers won't be necessary. Lana's thinking, "But I worked all day in Print Shop on those! Damn you, Sullivan! I'm gonna kiss Clark in front of you just for that! Pink pink pink pink pink pink pink --" And that's where I stop listening to Lana's inner monologue. Chloe says that Lana is totally going to hate her (again), but that she's known Clark's location for two months. Some co-workers snuck her into a club and Clark was there. Lana is pissed. Chloe tells of Clark's threat to go away if she told. Lana says she can't believe Chloe told her to give up on Clark. Chloe says that Clark isn't himself. Lana asks for the address. Chloe offers that ride. "I think you've done enough already," Lana says. I really want Chloe to take a cup of cappuccino and just throw it on Lana so she'll melt already. Jeez.
The alt-crap follows us all the way to Metropolis where Little Girl Pink approaches Clark's apartment. Oh, how sick is it to use "Calling All Angels" as Lana's music? Ew. Lana sees Clark approach on his motorcycle. She gets in his way. Clark -- in his trying-to-be-cool biker shades -- asks what she's doing there. "Looking for you," she says. She tells him to come home. He says that Smallville isn't his home anymore. How many times is Clark going to say that in this episode? Lana frowns. She goes right up to Clark and threatens not to let him ride out of her life again. Suicide, Clark! It's the only way! "Then get on," he says. Lana does about four mental calculations in her head, all that her brain is capable of, and gets on the bike. They ride off toward downtown Vancouver...er, "Metropolis."
Commercials. Kristin Kreuk has had blackheads? I don't believe that, Neutrogena. Stop with your dirty lies. Oh and a Smallville DVD commercial, too. And no, I don't own it yet. But I do have Alias, so nyah. And on top of that, there's a KTLA (Los Angeles WB station) Smallville season premiere party happening. You get bonus recap material right here as the show takes over even the commercials: Mindy Burbano is onstage with John Schneider (is this the first time I've used his real name in a recap?), and he looks quite the stud in his grayish/brownish suit and yellow tie. Mindy yells really, really loud at the crowd asking what they think so far. They cheer and hold up posters of Tom Welling. John points to someone in the crowd holding up some Superman underwear. He grabs it and holds up the blue underwear, giving the camera a suave over-the-shoulder eyebrow raise. Mindy yells so much that John doesn't get to say a damn thing. Just as they go back from commercials, John is able to get in, "We're having a wonderful time!" That's it. Back to the show.
Back on Pleasure Island, Lex is futzing with his beaten-up silver compass. He's using it as he walks along, his pants slung dangerously low on his exposed hips. And again: Lex? Buff. And also very dirty right now. Lex bends down to a little pool of water, washes his face, and then drinks. I'm pretty sure that's not healthy at all. Doesn't he have some water boiled? Maybe that's why he's got all those open sores. Lex looks up and notices something. There's a piece of glittery jewelry with the letters "LL" linked together. Lex pulls on the chain and up pops a gooey skeleton! You were totally drinking a corpse cocktail, Lex. Cheers. Lex jumps back. Scary! Then Lex goes back in the water, with his bare cut-up feet, and pulls on the chain again, bringing the skeleton back up by the neck. Lex could stand to be a little more Howard Hughes when it comes to germs. Lex then handles the even-more-gooey skull and notices that there's a huge slit on the top of the head, just about hatchet-sized. "Lex! I'd like you to meet my dad!" says Lewis, who is standing nearby and watching. Lex, looking scared and apprehensive, says that Lewis killed his father. Lewis calmly explains that it was inevitable, and that only one of them could survive. Bad volleyball! Bad volleyball! Lewis says that his dad was rich and powerful and always criticizing him. Lex darts his eyes around. Lewis picks up the corpse, also by the neck, and talks at it, tapping the jaw with his huge machete. Lewis busts out with the crazy eyes. Then he goes for the tears, sadly telling Lex, "I thought we were kindred spirits." That was just rock pillow talk, baby. "No, Lewis," Lex says, "you're a psychopattttthhhh," and spits all over Lewis. Lewis blinks and says there's a psychopath in all of us. Like Tom Sizemore? Huge psychopath living in there. Betty White? Very small psychopath; you'd barely know she was even in there. Lewis says he let his psychopath out. He suddenly lunges at Lex with the machete. Lex dodges and then runs away, arms flapping, just like Anna Faris when she'd run away in Scary Movie. Seriously, Lex, I know you're in murky water with constrictive pants on, but learn to run like a man. Even if it means a machete wound to the head.
Metropolis. Club Atlantis. The beats are a-bumpin', and the girlies are hot. Clark leads Lana through the crowd. She looks completely out of place as the music chants about "the back room." A very enthusiastic waitress passes with a tray over head and says, "Hey, what's up, Kal?" Lana asks why the waitress called Clark that. Clark, smiling, says it's his secret identity. In posh high Metropolis society, he's also known as Sir Cheesesworth. Lana stops Clark with a shove to the shoulder and says she's been worried about him for three months while he's been in nightclubs. And her point is...? Clark -- now wearing a red t-shirt -- says she's cute when she's angry. And when she's helping rid the world of unsightly blackheads.
Clark tells Lana, as they arrive at the bar, that if she keeps talking about "Hicksville," she's going to be on the bus back. Yay! Can we send her somewhere else instead? Clark says he thought Lana was here to have some fun. The bartender -- who suddenly looks like Siegfried and/or Roy with his huge smile (memo to Roy: get well soon!) -- gives Clark some mad hand-shaking in greeting. Lana says she's sorry, and tells Clark she's going to go freshen up. Could her face be any fresher? Clark stops her, tells her she looks great, and leans in for a big kiss. Go Lana with the open-mouthed! Clark says he's glad Lana's here. Lana says she is, too, although she says it like she's telling someone he has terminal ass cancer. Lana scampers. What's that huge thing on the back of her head? Does she really need a vast network of pulleys and weights to keep her hair situated? The bartender does his Isaac routing, giving mad props to his white friend on how he understands why Clark was "saving himself" for Lana. It must have been the kiss. Much like in Pretty Woman, Clark never let himself be kissed when he was hustling. Lana, away from Clark, is dialing her phone. Her speed dial menu: "Aunt Nell, Chloe, Kent's [sic, and ha!], Lex Luthor, MIKE HOLM [who?], Pete Ross." She's using a Verizon phone, in case you didn't get that the show is now a total whore for that particular phone company. Because this is fantasy, the phone works perfectly in the club, and Bo Duke answers. Lana tells him she found Clark. Bo warns Lana that Clark is not himself right now. MamaKent, carrying packing boxes, rushes over to figure out what's going on. Bo tells Lana he's on his way, but not to try to stop Clark if he wants to leave. Lana turns and there's Clark, asking who Lana's talking to. Clark pulls the phone and asks who it is. Bo -- with MamaKent struggling to share the receiver -- answers. Clark's smile fades. He asks about the farm. Bo says that he and MamaKent love Clark very much and want him to come home. Clark purses his lips sarcastically. Clark tells Bo to admit that they're happier now that he's gone. Bo denies it. Clark says he's not their son, they're not his parents, and they never will be. Harsh, dude. Even for Evil Clark. He throws down the phone. Hey, watch the Verizon merchandise, Clark! Lana asks Clark what is wrong with him, and says that his parents love him. "I love you," she says. Yeah? Well, who's MIKE HOLM? Clark asks if she always betrays the people she loves. Yeah, pretty much. Is that a surprise? Clark walks past Lana. She tears up, but her makeup is still in place.
Kent Farm. Bo says he's going to go get his citified hustling son. MamaKent asks how. Bo says that if he doesn't go get Clark now, they may lose him forever. To UPN? Bo kisses MamaKent. Why does he have to go alone? MamaKent looks sad and conflicted as Bo leaves her. Bo goes to the barn and finds the octagonal piece in the red toolbox. He removes the rag and takes the piece with him.
The Lair of Big-Headed Rutger Hauer, which is actually just the club after it's closed down and mostly empty. It's very moody with harsh overhead lighting and the general Metropolis blue color scheme. As Clark walks in with the goons, The Edge says he's glad Clark reconsidered his offer. Clark says that his past is catching up with him, and he needs to disappear. The Edge hands over a check. Clark whistles. Evil people must whistle a lot. Clark admires the number of zeros in the check. The Edge wants Clark to break into a secure building and get a valuable package. He says that the titanium safe isn't a job for mere mortals. Clark says it sounds like easy money. The Edge reveals that he wants Clark to go to LuthorCorp Plaza -- specifically, to Papa Luthor's office. Clark says that's no prob. In fact, it's his pleasure.
On the isle that has suddenly become Lord of the Flies, Lewis is calling out for Lex, but stops just short of calling him "Piggy." Lewis scratches his back with his machete and says he knows every inch of the island. Lex, completely scared, runs right toward Lewis in an open clearing. Bad move! Lex dodges some machete swipes. Lex grabs at the machete hand, but is taken from behind (ahem) by Lewis. Lex manages to knock Lewis down and starts hacking at him with the machete, yelling loudly. He hacks and hacks and hacks insanely until.... "Hey, mon!" We get two stereotypes for the price of one in this episode: Now it's a Jamaican dude with a flashlight saying, "Wot happ'nin'?" Oh. Man. Lex, bloody, shakes his head and says he had to do it. He says he had to kill him. "Kill who?" Jamaican Mon asks. "Him!" Lex yells and points down at where Lewis should be. However, it's just seaweed and sand. Jamaican Mon says dey nobody dere, mon. Lex goes crazy, looking for Lewis in the weeds. Jamaican Mon says that the islands will mess with your head. I guess! Jamaican Mon says Lex is lucky his captain saw Lex's fire. Lex is still on a Lewis trip, insisting that he was real and not an imaginary volleyball turned murderous human. "He was real!" Lex yells, and we go to commercials.
Boy, a lot sure does happen in this episode. I'm way past my usual word count here. The Caves of Plot Resolution. Bo flashlights around. He sees the covered-up keyhole and gets mad. He bangs it with his fist. Stupid, stupid rock! Bo yells that Clark wasn't ready and that "you had to keep pushing him!" Maybe if Bo keeps yelling, Terence Stamp will come back. Bo asks what kind of race these people are. Let's hope they're not black, or else the show will marginalize or stereotype them. He says it's no wonder they destroyed themselves. He tosses the octagon to the ground. That's it! Music plays; the key floats and it locks into the wall, caulking be damned. Bo watches in wonder as pretty lights happen. The key opens in the Superman shield shape and shoots fiery goodness at Bo. He screams, from many different angles. Hey, it's Terence Stamp's voice! As he speaks, Bo writhes with pain. If you can get a person you're dealing with in a legal or business issue to writhe in pain while you talk to them, it's usually much more persuasive. I think that's one of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. He recaps: He's Kal-El's true father. What the hell do you want, Bo? Bo insists that he's Clark's dad because he raised Clark. Jor-El basically calls Bo white foster trash and says that Bo can't possibly understand Clark's destiny. Jor-El says that this was Clark's first test, to see if he was ready to begin his journey. As a hustling club baby? Bo says that Clark needs more time. Jor-El says that this phase is almost over, and that it doesn't matter if Clark comes home. Jor-El says that if Bo wants Clark home, he'll have to go get Clark himself. Shouldn't there be a mediator or a custody judge involved here? Bo says that Clark is too powerful. Jor-El asks if Bo will do anything to get him back. Bo says that he will. Holy crap, Bo is totally getting an indecent proposal! I didn't know Krypton had a society based on the casting couch. More Bo screaming. He did say "anything."
Metropolis at night. Clark jumps down from a ceiling panel into an office hallway. He walks right into Papa Luthor's office. He reaches the safe. Clark knocks off the safe locks and pulls the door aside. He walks in and sees a tiny, rectangular metal box on a shelf. Maybe it's the World's Greatest Fig Newtons. Clark grabs the box and starts to leave. But wait! What's this? It's Bo! How the hell did he know where to find Clark? Clark smiles and calls Bo by his full name. He asks if it isn't past Bo's bedtime. Go to bed, old man! Bo says he knew where to find Clark through Jor-El. How did Jor-El know? Clark says it's cute that his two dads are working together now, but that he's not going to listen to either of them. Bo stops Clark with a hand to the chest and demands that Clark go home with him. Clark puts his own hand on Bo's chest and pushes him hard against the opposite wall. Bo flies and crashes, making an ass indentation on the wall. Clark tells Bo he should have stayed home. Bo looks up at Clark. He's not hurt. Oh, smack! Bo says that Clark's coming home with him, now. He superspeeds at Clark, and they both go crashing out through a window into the night air. CGI falling! Now was that really the best approach, Bo? I'm just amazed that Bo has superpowers. Now I know the future of mankind: a planet where cows evolved from men! The two are falling like they're in a Salman Rushdie novel, and then we get the black screen: To Be Continued. Damn!
Well, that's it. Thanks for coming back, folks. This season might be fun after all.
week: Lex is dressed as Eminem in 8 Mile; Lana's sad again; Bo and Clark have it out and...well, who the hell knows. I sure couldn't have predicted all the stuff that happened in this episode. See ya week.