Witless

S02E20

By Omar G

Before we start with this episode, I would like to offer the following:

"Al and Miles: A Lament"

O, Al and Miles!
Why the wrath?
Why the Lana?
Why so pink?
Do you dream of electric preternaturally pretty sheep?
Do you hate me so?
Do you wish to make me hate in equal measure?
O, Al,
O, Miles
O, why "Witness"?
This crap's gotta stop, y'all.
The flaming ass isn't fooling anybody.

And, I feel better now. We start the episode with...aw, shit, I forgot about this. Clark and Lana. Whoop-de-freakin'-do. They're at the ornately decorated Talon, which seems to have stolen some Egyptian items from the Metropolis museum. Clark is thrilled to be asking Lana about an equestrian show. He says he didn't realize how important it was to Lana. She's boring, Clark. How could an equestrian show not be interesting to her? So, I got a new TV, but no high definition tuner. I like to think here's a better version of Smallville on the other end of that HDTV tuner. Lana says she's excited about the equestrian show because her biological dad, Henry Diminutive, will be there along with some lady he's married to. Clark asks how the father/daughter thing is going. Ew. I get spam like that all the time. Lana says it's going great, but she's really vague about what constitutes "great." Does Henry lend you his car? Does he let you wear makeup? Less makeup than usual, perhaps? Lana gives Clark a bottle of ketchup to open and says she's optimistic about her fatherly future. "You deserve to be happy," Clark says, over ketchup.

The person Clark doesn't think deserves to be happy is Chloe, who walks up wearing something from the back of Stevie Nicks's closet. There's orange and a green scarf and Chloevage. It hurts my eyes. Chloe goes behind Clark to make him avert his gaze and his ketchup from Lana, and asks what happened to him. She says that Clark had a story due -- an article about the debate team. That's way more exciting than horses. Clark says he got caught up helping Lana. With ketchup. Chloe looks away and says that the story is already late. Like this recap. She says she had to print the lunch menu in 60-point type. Now, that's just physically impossible. Chloe implies that the student body will care about that. I worked at a high-school paper. They won't. Lana tries to take the blame, but Chloe won't let her. Chloe says she doesn't blame Lana. She glares at Clark. Clark looks mildly amused. Ass. (And we'll get to that ass later.) Lana excuses herself and thanks Clark for his help. Clark watches Lana go (he hates to see her leave, but he loves to watch her go) with a goofy grin and says he'll make it up to Chloe. He promises. Chloe points out Clark's shit record on promises. Clark asks what the big deal is about one story. Just ask the debate team. They're dying for publicity! I listened to them argue that point. Chloe says that Clark couldn't give up one riding stint with Lana. Clark tries to make it not about Lana. He didn't get the email about how the show is All About Lana. Even Eve is jealous. Chloe says that Clark is never there when she needs him. Clark asks if she's being a little harsh. Nope. Chloe says she's never a priority to Clark; she's just a backup. Clark finally has had enough truth for one day and says that if that's how Chloe feels, maybe he should just quit. Chloe agrees. "Fine. I quit," says Clark. Chloe suddenly looks hurt. She rubs her temple and face. You're so much better than this episode, Chloe.

Dark road at night. Some Tim Roth-lookin' dude is driving a white van. Two sets of legs are walking down the road. Creepy music plays. The feet turn, and we see that whomever those two sets of feet belong to are holding crossbows. Crossbows? Am I watching Xena by accident? The two street punks are wearing shiny alien masks that remind me of the cool PC cases that Alienware makes. Mmmm, Alienware. The two "aliens" stand facing the approaching van. They spread out. They let the van pass between them as Poor Man's Tim Roth looks at them, confused. They turn and shoot their crossbows at the van. Each of them nails a side of the van. They pull and somehow manage to flip the van so that it lands upside down. Huh? It looked like they each hit the side of the van. Wouldn't that just strip side of the van off? Did they each hit an axle or something? They delight in having flipped the van, and run over to it. An SUV approaches to help them. Just then, Clark drives up in the red truck. He comes over to see what evildoing is...um, doing. The alien dudes tell Clark to get away from them. Clark tries to grab one of them. He sees that one of them has a class ring. I can't tell from the lighting, but I think it's one of those red class rings that makes people fun. It must be that because the guy is able to shove Clark away. Clark comes back, and another guy grabs part of the van and swings it at Clark. Clark goes flying, and not in the good way. He lands in some planks. Clark x-rays and notices that one of the aliens seems to have a rectangular strip of something in his skull. The three guys load something from the van onto the waiting SUV as Clark watches. They drive off. Clark just sits there. Maybe he wants to enjoy the opening credits, which follow.

The In-Laws is my choice for "most painful to watch" trailer of the summer movie season. Albert Brooks, you had better have a good excuse for this one. And stop yelling. It hurts me.

Kent Farm at night. There's a tractor out front with the letters "MF" on the side. Sexy muthafuckin' tractor? In the Barnness of Whatthefuckhappened?-tude, Bo and Clark are trying to come up with some answers to the crossbow débacle. Clark is stunned because "it hurt. It actually hurt." Welcome to my world, Clark. Bo asks what Clark told the police. Clark says he booked it before they arrived. Bo says that Clark witnessed a crime. Clark says he was afraid to incur the wrath of Sheriff Fancy Feast. And Clark's ID of the guy's plate in his head wouldn't be easily explained. Clark also noticed that the guy had a class ring, so he must go to Smallville High. Bo and Clark share a moment over that earthshattering revelation.

High-school hallway. Sneaky Pete is writing something on the inside of his locker door and explaining that just because the guy has a class ring doesn't mean he's a current student. Clark is squinting at everyone who walks by, and we hear the x-ray vision sound effect. Clark probably tells people that he just had LASIK. Lana walks by just then, stops, gives Clark a smile, and walks into a classroom. Pete acknowledges the Lana ship finally coming in for Clark. It's a pink ship with a broken rudder that makes it sail in circles. Pete says he's never seen Lana so happy. Clark attributes it to Lana's biological daddy "stepping up." It's good to do that, even if it is more than sixteen years after he "spermed up." Better late step than never step. Clark sees a thick blond guy at a lock in a letterman jacket. He's Zachery Ty Bryan from the Home Improvement brood that also produced Jonathan Taylor Thomas, but since I never really watched that show, I don't recognize him. Clark x-rays him and sees the telltale metal plate in his head. "Pete. Who's that guy?" Clark asks. Like Pete hasn't heard that before. Pete says that Clark needs to pick up a sports page. Clark seems very intent on that sports page.

Baseball field. A huge "Home of the Crows" sign is up, and we see Mr. Home Not So Improved Since I Can't Remember It wearing a baseball helmet and wielding a bat. He uses an asthma inhaler full of what looks like a Midori sour and inhales it. Nobody seems to notice. He asks for some heat. Across the plate. A coach puts some heat into a pitching machine. Sammy So-So hits it. Outta the park! Holy cow! It lands hard on the ground to Pete and Clark, who are on the outside of the baseball field fence. "Nice swing," Clark says. And he knows from swingin'. Pete breathlessly informs Clark that Sammy So-So has the highest batting average in Smallville history. Pete says that Sammy helped the school to attract scouts, and to get corporate sponsorship. Of course, this is strange because the guy used to suck. "What do you mean?" Clark asks, suddenly all curious. Pete says that they used to play in Little League together. Don't ball players usually get better after Little League? Clark asks how he went from "zero to hero." Yes, folks, you too can be a writer for the show if you can come up with gems like that. Clark suggests that the guy may be using drugs of some sort. Sammy spots Clark and Pete with an open-mouthed look that can only be described as "touched by God," as some people like to say in the South. (As in, "That boy's a little slow. He's got a bit of 'The Touch,' if you know what I mean.") Sammy sends a ball flying right toward Clark and Pete. It hits the scoreboard and sends sparks flying. Clark is all, "I can do that." Sammy smiles and snorts in the direction of Clark and Pete.

Lair of Lex. Lex, in a black pullover, walks into his office. "Leeeexxxx," we hear someone purr. I know that purr! It's Papa Luthor! Yay! I didn't even realize how much I'd missed him. He's standing up on the second level where he was shot a while back. Lex says he thought they'd agreed to keep face-to-face contact to a minimum. Papa Luthor says he came on social biz: to offer congratulations on the engagement. Fruit baskets and those cheese and sausage sets from Hickory Farm are also nice. Just sayin'. Papa Luthor says he's sad he had to hear about it via the gossip in the tabloids. Lex is amused that Papa Luthor has taken an interest in his personal happiness. "And where is..." Papa Luthor asks before Lex says, "Helen." "Hell-En," Papa Luthor over enunciates. Why does he wanna know? Is he gonna sleep with her? Hey, there's a Ty Nant bottle at the bar! Lex says that Dr. Dropkick is out of town at a medical conference. He implies that she'd kick Papa Luthor's ass if she were around. Lex has had enough small talk. He passes over a piece of paper with an article from the Smallville High Torch. Mmm, nice color printing job. "Hijacked truck linked to Luthorcorp," the headline reads. The article was written by Chloe. Papa Luthor tsk tsks that Lex would take stock in what a high-school newspaper writes. Hey, that 60-point lunch menu is pretty damned accurate. Lex says he did some checking on his own and found out that it's true. Especially the part about the Salisbury steak. Lex asks what Papa is moving around in the middle of the night in unmarked trucks. "Nothing out of the ordinary," Papa says. The Magnificent Daddy Bastard turns the accusations around and says he'd hate to think Lex is resorting to "common thuggery." Although the crossbows were a very Lex touch. Lex is amused by the accusation. Papa chuckles. They're having way too much fun here. Lex says that would be illegal. Papa Luthor says he would want his property returned. Lex gets serious. He says he had nothing to do with it. But he's intrigued that Papa Luthor came all the way over to discuss it. He asks what's in the truck. Papa just takes a drink and tells Lex to give his regards to...and then he doesn't refer to her by name. So wrong.

The Talon. I can't tell if the shirt Lana is wearing is pink, exactly (it actually looks an unnatural purple), but it looks like something Beck would wear. As she's serving drinks, her biological daddy comes in. She's happy to see him. She goes to get him a regular coffee, no additives. Apparently, Mr. Small has been coming to the Talon a lot lately. Maybe he's trying to drum up legal business from frat boys who've been tossed thirty feet into police cruisers. Unbearable father-daughter banter follows. Yeah, yeah, they love each other now. We get it. Lana gives a pamphlet to her Small dad. It shows where the family seating is for the horse show. Lana says she reserved seats for Henry and his wifey. He says he'll definitely be there. Lana catches that his wife won't be there. Henry gets a pained look. He tries to make excuses for her, but it's obvious that the woman doesn't like Lana. Henry's wife is more in tune with show viewers than anyone else on this show is. Henry says she'll come around. We devote a full five seconds of screen time to Lana's fluctuating facial expressions at that.

A computer screen with a page from the front page of the Smallville Ledger. It's got a picture of Sammy So-So with the headline "Chemistry Lab Explosion." Can I buy a verb for the Ledger, please? Clark reads that Sammy used to be an honors chemistry student. He was in an explosion at Kansas State University chemistry camp. This one time, at chemistry camp, I became a Krypto-villain. Clark surmises that's how the guy got the plate in his head. Ya think? Pete asks why the guy knocked over (literally) a Luthorcorp truck. Chloe walks in wearing a somber jacket. She says she thought Clark quit the Torch. Clark says he's cleaning his desk. Pete didn't know about this. "Apparently I can't be counted on," Clark says, in a wholly assholish way that somehow implies that this is Chloe's fault. Fuck you, Clark. Fuck you blue, man. "I didn't know quitting was an option," Pete says. Chloe is standing right to him. "Funny," she says, bitterly. Pete ruins that by saying, "Tough crowd," and excusing himself. Chloe notices the printouts. What is up with her shirt? It looks like some hoodlums spraypainted her with a mural. Chloe asks why Pete and Clark are interested in Sammy. Clark says it doesn't matter. Chloe tries to reason with Clark. "All I do is disappoint you," Clark says. No, all you do is blow deadlines and moon over the robot girl. Chloe points out that Clark drops everything for Lana with no regard for anyone else. "I thought this wasn't about Lana," Clark says. Chloe says that it's not. Clark says that whenever he's with Lana, Chloe looks at him like he's cheating on her. Chloe stops, hurt, and then backs up and says that Clark is wrong and that if that's what he thinks, maybe they shouldn't hang out anymore. Chloe really needs to stop making ultimatums, because Clark is too stupid to dismiss them like a sane person would. Clark grabs his shit and leaves. Chloe isn't happy.

Prelude to a flaming ass. Clark notices Sammy driving off from the baseball field. He follows. We see Sammy pull up to a warehouse. Inside, there's fire, the yellow SUV from before, and thugs at work on Powerade-looking meteor-rock juice. Sammy's boys are getting ready to take their product to the streets. Sammy says he needs some for when a major league scout comes out to see him. "Well then, you can make the batch," says one of his sidekicks. Sammy uses some metal tongs to grab a cup, and places it in the huge fire. Outside, Clark sees two of the young toughs leave He sneaks inside. He watches Sammy pour his green goo into vials. But, of course, Clark gets caught from behind. (Isn't that always the way?) Clark can't break free from their grips, so they must be under the kryptonite influence. Sammy takes off his gloves and comes over. Clark accuses him of robbing the truck. Sammy slurps down some liquid rock through his inhaler. He breaths out green vapor. He punches Clark square in the face. Ow. Clark's lip is bleeding. Sammy gives a speech about having everything he wants and not giving it up for anyone. Oh, and he adds that Jonathan Taylor Thomas is totally gay, by the way. Sammy notices that Clark has seen their huge supply of enhancement drinks. Clark says he knows what the stuff can do to people. Sammy isn't having it. He throws Clark against a wall. The toughs pick Clark up. They're not happy that Clark knows their secret. Sammy opens the door to the mill fire pit. It's hot! They throw Clark in there, face first. They close the door, gather their stuff, and get out of the there. Very dramatic music plays. In the foundry fire, we see a hand touch a window. Then the door of the thing blows out. Fire! A naked figure walks out, bare foot first on the ground. Close-up on Clark, who has some burns on his face. The burns fade away as he heals. We go behind Clark and see his naked torso and ass licked by the hot flames behind him. It's...an ass...An ass...of FIRE! Behold the great Clark ass fire of total flaming greatness! I don't care who looks at whom in this episode. This is the Gayest Anything of the Episode.

Speaking of ass: Papa John's pizza. 'Nuff said.

Kent kitchen. Clark walks in like the whole flaming ass thing never even happened. Sure, Clark. Be that way. We will never, ever, ever, ever, ever forget it. If you become the greatest actor of your generation and go all Tom Hanks and accept your fifth Academy Award fifty years from now, we'll still talking about that fire-and-the-ass shot. By the way, Clark is now wearing some sort of gray jumpsuit. Bo (who was pouring some milk) and MamaKent go over to find out why their son looks like he works on an airport tarmac. Clark explains how the guys "jumped him." I doubt Bo even wants to hear about this. "Clark, you still couldn't stop them?" Bo asks, putting an arm on his son's sooty shoulder. I don't think Clark was trying very hard, if you know what I'm sayin', and I think you do. Bo tells them about the Kryptonite bars and how they were similar to the ones in Papa Luthor's safe. Oh, now you want continuity. It's all about you isn't it? You and Lana. Bo asks what they're doing with Kryptonite. Clark says they're melting it down and inhaling it. So this is basically "Rush," just with 100% less Jocko Whitney, right? MamaKent suggests calling the cops. Clark says that the police can't do anything. Bo picks up the phone. Clark says that he was overpowered, and that if there had been Kryptonite in the furnace, he wouldn't be there right now. However, that wouldn't matter with Lana, now, would it? (Thinks evil thoughts.) MamaKent says they can't let their concern for Clark's secret intimidate them into silence. Isn't that exactly what they've been doing for two seasons? Bo says maybe there's another way. Hmmm. I wonder that what that could be.

At the baseball diamond, Sammy So-So is stopped in near mid-swing by Sheriff Gata, who arrests him on the spot. Wonder if the scout is watching. She accuses Sammy of assault and armed robbery. She says they got an anonymous tip and looked through his locker. He says they don't have a warrant for that. She says, correctly, that they don't need a warrant to look through a student's locker. Someone finally did some research into how laws actually work in the real world. She even shows him a bagged-up alien mask. Is it really good police procedure to show the accused all the evidence you have against him before he even gets in the back of the police car? She suggests that he use his one call to "phone home." Just as Sammy gets in the car, he sees Clark glaring at him off in the distance. Some anonymous tip.

Chloe and Lana are in Chloe's red convertible. At a stoplight, Chloe explains that she and Clark are on a friendship break. Lana asks, "Over one newspaper story?" Oh, poor, deluded, stupid Lana. Chloe says that "certain insurmountable forces" made them raise the white flag. Lana asks if she can help. Chloe just nods sadly. Just then, a woman and a man come out of a shop on Lana's side of the street. The woman and man give each other a very chaste kiss, but it's on the lips. Lana studies them, as if trying to figure out how humans show affection for each other. Lana tells Chloe that it's Henry Small's wife, Jennifer. She and the mystery man part ways, all smiles. Lana is stunned. Stunned, I tell you! more so than usual! Henry's wife crosses the street in front of their car and sees Lana, and her face goes all, "Oh shit." Lana looks like a very frightened ferret.

Talon. Lana is back on familiar turf in a pink muscle shirt with a weird winged collar. Mrs. Small is right there to start with the damage control. "It's not what you think, Lana," she says seriously. She says she's not cheating. Lana scoffs and walks off. No wonder Mrs. Small hates Lana's ass. Mrs. Small says that the man Lana saw her with was an old friend from college. Lana ain't havin' it. He also happens to be her divorce attorney. Dum, dum, THUM! Lana is stunned. Again. Mrs. Small says Henry doesn't know yet that he's about to be dumped. Lana asks why she's doing it. She says, coldly, that she's learned to handle a lot, but that the forces of mad Lana love were just too overwhelming. She says she's not a priority in Henry's life since Lana came around. Lana, Lana, Lana. Everything's ruined because of Lana. Why does Henry love Lana so much? Why is he a surrogate for the show's producers? Mrs. Small, like so many viewers, has had enough fucking Lana for one lifetime. "I never meant to come between you," Lana says. Well, you did. Between us and Smallville, baby. It's time for you to take the razor train to Shave-Your-Part In-The-Show-Down-Sville. "Lana, you are all he talks about," Mrs. Small says, with something akin to horror. I feel you, lady. Mrs. Small says she's telling Lana this because she's admitting defeat. I'm not quite there, but two or three more episodes, and I'm gonna be about ready to throw in the towel, too. Save me a spot at the bar, Mrs. Small. Lana says she doesn't want to win. "Goodbye, Lana," says Mrs. Small. Would that I had her courage.

Smallville Medical Center. It looks like there's a nice little outdoor area on the second level, with umbrellas. Maybe we should eat there with Dr. Dropkick sometime. In a hallway inside, Chloe walks unimpeded by a door with the name "Ferrell, Dustin" clearly marked on the door. Um, privacy? She goes to another door and looks in. She sees somebody lying in bed, unconscious. She walks right in and takes a digital snapshot. "So much for an interview," she says. "I admire your dedication," we hear. It's Papa Luthor! All sneaky in the shadows! Chloe doesn't jump or anything. I'd have needed a bedpan. Papa Luthor says that the hospital may not be as understanding. Chloe asks what he's doing there. Papa Luthor says he's paying a bedside visit to a loyal employee. He identifies Chloe by name. He says he's been following her work for some time. His face is especially rough this week, and his hair is especially wild and shaggy. Papa Luthor, in extreme close-up, says he saw the front-page scoop and assumed she'd come by for confirmation. Chloe seems flattered. "I think you just did that for him," Chloe says. So much more interesting than Lana. This had better be the start of a good Chloe storyline, sans Clark and sans Pink Princess. Papa Luthor leaves a note on the bedside table and says it was never a secret. He smiles slyly and leaves the room. Chloe follows. Papa Luthor turns, and there's a hospital chapel behind him. Stained-glass window light makes him look holy and sinister at the same time. Chloe asks what was in the truck. "On or off the record?" he asks. Chloe says that the police called the truck incident a robbery, but nothing's been identified as missing. He says they were moving industrial material. He says it's nothing important. As he walks away, Chloe follows and says that somebody went to a lot of trouble to get to it. He says that corporate sabotage is one of the costs of doing business. He cuts her off as she tries to talk. He appreciates her zeal. He likes her spunk. Her work is great. But, shut up, Chloe. These are not the droids you're looking for. Chloe twitches a bit after he's gone.

"Local Teen Breaks Batting Record," a newspaper headline reads. Clark is reading it at the Talon. Lana notices him walking and asks if he's "Oh-key." Clark says he got blindsided by some guys. He says he's shaken up. Didn't this just happen to Lana? Maybe they could start a support group. Boy, that coffee machine looks like a big-ass robot. Maybe it's Lana's master. Lana makes Clark's beating about herself. "Metaphorically speaking," she says. Tell that to Clark's ass-whipping. She tells the story of Mrs. Small and the divorce. "And I'm the reason," she says. Oh, Pink Jesus, shut up about that already. Lana asks what she can do without making the situation worse. Clark says she should tell Henry, since there's still a chance he could salvage his marriage. Lana says that Clark should be taking his own advice. She says she heard about him and Chloe calling it quits. Must. Kill. Lana. Clark says that's different. "Why?" Lana asks. Well, because they're not married and because in that case, Chloe is totally right and Clark is being an asshat, not a husband trying to create a relationship with his biological child. Clark says he doesn't want to watch Chloe get hurt over and over while he can't do anything about it. Maybe if you tried being less dick and more man? Lana asks what's so bad that's come between them. You, Lana. Bad. BAD! Lana says she wishes she could make it go away. I wish you could make the bad thing go away, too. Would you consider visiting a travel agent? Lana says that Clark and Chloe have been friends since "forever." She says they can't let that go without a fight. "The Clark Kent I know wouldn't," Lana says. Long glances. I'm going to need to disinfect my keyboard and burn my hands after writing this recap.

Jail. Sammy So-So is lying down on a bunk in an orange jumpsuit. Do they put those on guys who are just in jail? The silhouette of a very bald head passes on the back wall. Sammy sees Lex Luthor and says that if Papa Luthor sent him, he had nothing to do with the robbery. Lex says that his father doesn't know Lex is there. Lex says he wasn't sent, and that he came to talk about Sammy's future. Lex says that he did some research into Sammy's baseball career. Sammy confirms that there are scouts and recruiters after him. "This is just a bump in the road," Sammy says. Lex says there are two felony charges, and bail is set for $250,000. "I'd say that's more like a brick wall, wouldn't you?" Lex asks. So The Sexy. "Do I look scared?" Sammy asks. Lex says he looks guilty. Lex says that if a jury agrees, Sammy can kiss all that promise and talent goodbye. And, while he's at it, he can kiss Lex, too. It wouldn't hurt. Sammy repeats that he didn't do it. Lex says that if the charges stick, Sammy "might need a friend." Lex knows all about prison friendship. As Lex leaves, Sammy gets up and asks what Lex wants. Lex just wants to know what was stolen. Sammy says that, assuming he knows, what's in it for him? Lex turns and just looks at him. Were it not for the Ass of Fire, this would be a close contender for the GAYLE.

High school. Clark walks into the offices of the Torch and sees that it's been trashed. Even a load-bearing column has been broken in half. A knocked-down fluorescent light flashes. Chloe stands in the middle of the mess. Clark asks what happened. Chloe, her back turned, says, "Go away, Clark." Clark asks how she's doing. She says she's fine physically, but emotionally..."What do you care?" Chloe is crying. Clark says he wants to help, and that they can get the newspaper back on its feet. "There is no 'we' anymore, Clark, only me," she wails. She says that the paper was the one place she could go to when everyone and everything let her down, and now it's gone. She takes off. Clark asks where she's going. "To find a friend," she says. Clark chases down the hall after her. He's stopped midway by Sammy So-So. Sammy says he heard the paper's not going to press, but he slurs the line so it sounds like "I heard the paper's not gonna depress." Nor should it. Clark pushes him against the lockers. Sammy grabs Clark's hands and takes them off. Clark looks at his own hands like they're alien creatures unto themselves. Sammy pushes Clark back against the opposite wall. He says he doesn't know how Clark got out of the fire, but that Clark had better back off. Clark asks how he got out of jail. Sammy says he has friends in high places he didn't know about. Clark says he'll testify against Sammy. Sammy counters that Clark may be "unbreakable," but that those he cares about aren't. Sammy threatens Clark's "wholesome parents." Clark thinks, "Oh shit!" and runs.

One superzip to the farm later...Clark finds MamaKent and Bo strung up in the barn like deer antlers. "Clark! Your mother!" Bo moans. She's not looking too great.

Commercials. Those Vanilla Coke gangster ads are freakin' hilarious. And Denny's? I love meat as much as the person, but making a Meat Lover's Breakfast is just pure Grinning Evil Death.

Back at Flame Ass: The Series -- Clark is helping clean up the barn, which is disheveled from the thug attack. Bo's so pissed he's kicking thing. He says that MamaKent has some minor cuts, but that he still wants to check her out. So nice that he wants to do that after so many years of marriage. Bo also reminds us that his wife is Great With Child. Clark says he wishes he'd been there, even though there's nothing he could have done. Bo refuses to let his son beat himself up about this. That's Sammy So-So's job. Clark suggests that Bo and MamaKent go away for a while so that things can cool down. Bo says he's never run away from anything in his life. Except Rosco P. Coltrane. Clark says that Bo has to think about mom and the baby. "I am thinking about Mom. I am thinking about the baby," Bo says, in a strange bit of parrot dialogue. Bo says he's also thinking about Clark. "Dad, please!" Clark says, as if he's a ghetto supa-stah. Clark says "please" again, and that finally does it. Bo says he's gonna take MamaKent to a doctor in Metropolis and maybe stay with Clark's granddad. You mean the one who hates Bo? What's he going to make of this? Bo says he wishes Clark would come, too. Clark says he can't. It's a guy thing. Bo says he's not going to ask Clark to do nothing, because he himself would not do nothing. Huh? The platitudes have become stilted and wrong. Bo puts his hands on Clark's shoulders. He reminds Clark that the bad guys have Clark's strength, but not his other abilities. Clark can mope them to death! Bo tells Clark to give himself a fighting chance. Uh, gee, dad, thanks. Clark stares blankly at the barn.

Stately Luthor Manor. Lex is walking down the hall, talking on his cell phone. Clark comes right up and starts following him. Security! Lex gets off the phone quickly, and Clark asks why Lex was talking to Sammy So-So in jail. Clark asks if Lex bailed Sammy out. Lex avoids the question and asks what this has to do with Clark. Clark says he called in the anonymous tip. He says his parents were almost killed. Lex is concerned. As the camera spins around these two wayward lovers, Clark says it's not even safe at home anymore. I think he's looking for a place to bunk up tonight. And how convenient that Dr. Dropkick is out of town. Clark says he heard Papa Luthor is back in town, and he wants to know if this is some kind of game between them. Lex says it's no game. The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker, on the other hand -- now there's a game. Lex says that the truck was carrying highly refined meteor rock. It's so highly refined that the rocks have exquisite table manners and can compliment hostesses. Lex says that his dad is resuming Level 3 experiments. Clark asks what that has to do with Sammy and the price of tea in China. Lex says he was hoping Sammy would lead him to the meteor rocks. Clark asks where Sammy went. Lex doesn't know. His security guard following the baseball player got beat up. Last week, Lex's thug was killed. It really doesn't pay to work for Lex, does it? Clark wonders if there's a way to draw Sammy out. Lex moans that he doesn't have anything Sammy wants. Oh, sure you do, Lex. Clark says it's the meteor rocks. Clark suspects that there's someone in Luthorcorp tipping Sammy off about shipments. Lex says he still has contacts at his dad's company. He can leak information about a fake shipment. Brilliant! Well, not really. Lex says that the truck will be empty (smart!) and that his security team will jump Sammy (sexy!). Clark says that Lex needs to get the police involved. "Just go home, Clark," Lex says forcefully (awwww). He says he doesn't want the Kents involved any more than they already are. Clark: sadness.

Outside Luthorcorp. Lex is walking outside the fence where a bunch of trucks bearing the company logo are parked. He talks so loudly about what to do with this fake shipment that anyone in a square mile can hear him. A driver in a marked car (I thought the shipments were supposed to be in unmarked vehicles) says he's ready to go. Lex says into his cell phone that nobody's to act until his command. He gets thumped on the back of the head and falls unconscious. It was a love tap from Clark. A van honks at an opening fence. Before the van can even get out of the parking lot, Sammy So-So hijacks it. He uses his own cell phone to mobilize his people. Sammy hops in the van and drives it past the fence. Suddenly, we're back at what appears to be the foundry, or some other industrial place with lots of fog-machine action. Aw, Sammy is carrying his little Kryptonite glow-stick in his hand as he drives. A guy with Papa Luthor hair comes out to make the switch as Sammy inhales his meteor fix. The back door of the van opens and slams against the switching guy. Sammy runs off. He picks up a pipe and swings it at Clark (again, nothing new), but it sends Clark flying into a bunch of windows. Clark lands heavily on some shelves. He gets up, but there's a thug right there to throw Clark into the side of the Luthorcorp van. Sammy and his two thugs surround Clark, who is propped up against the van. Eye of the tiger, Clark, eye of the tiger!

Commercials.

Back at the house of pipes and smoke, Clark spots a set of rusty pipes overhead. Clark's eyes light up, literally, and he ejaculates a beam of pure energy at the metalwork. The heavy pipes brain one of the thugs. Sammy looks scared. Clark superzips around the other minor thug and bends a pipe around him. Wouldn't Clark feel sick just being in these guys' proximity? Can't they break the pipe if they have Clark's strength? Whatever, dude. This sucks. Clark slams the pipe-trapped thug the requisite thirty feet. Sammy now looks really scared. He throws away his pipe. He picks up an awkward-looking piece of concrete. He tries to slam it on Clark. Clark's hard-headed, so it just breaks in CGI pieces as we watch from floor level. Clark grabs Sammy by the shirt -- again ignoring the fact that Sammy is supposed to be as strong as Clark -- and throws him against a set of pipes on a far wall. No muss, no fuss. Clark looks damned proud. Even if he has some schmutz on his forehead.

Refined Kryptonite bars. Pete is burying them under some dirt outdoors. That'll hold them! Clark waits as Pete buries. A scary-looking uprooted tree trunk is near it. So this is how those tree creatures from The Two Towers were born.

Stately Luthor Manor. Lex is pouring...is that Crystal Light? Clark walks in. Right past Security for the hundredth time. Lex asks about Clark's parents. Clark says they're back from Metropolis. The camera swings around Lex and Clark quite a lot as Lex shares his lemonade. How sweet. And, uh, tart. Clark asks about the foiled heist. Lex says it's interesting, because none of his people had anything to do with catching the bad guys. "Then who did?" Clark asks. Lex says the thugs aren't talking. Clark asks who has the meteor rocks. "I have my suspicions," Lex says. Lex looks away and gives a tiny smile.

Talon. Lana's sitting, drinking coffee. Her dad comes in. Apparently, this was a prearranged meeting. He asks about the horse show. Lana says she's not sure if she's riding. You see, when a problem comes along, she can't whip it. In fact, the world just has to stop. Lana says she was excited, but that now she thinks it's more important that Henry spend time with his wife. Why, you passive-aggressive little skunk. Henry is all, "Uh, what?" Lana says she came out of nowhere and dropped a bomb on his life. And that after a rocky start, she finally knows Henry loves her. She starts to cry a little and says she doesn't want to lose that. Henry says he doesn't know what Lana heard, but that things aren't that bad with his wife. Lana drops another bomb. She says Jennifer's hiring an attorney. "What?" Henry says, stunned. Lana tells Henry to talk to his wife. "Whatever happens after that is up to you," Lana says. How generous. Henry is shaken. He says he can't walk away from his daughter. Lana says he's not, and that she'll always be there. In the Talon. Working ninety-hour weeks. She says that Jennifer needs him more right now. Even if life is totally about The Lana. Henry gets up and goes. Lana cries. Pathetically.

Cows! They love Bo! In the barn, Clark throws down some heavy hay. Bo walks in, and Clark asks about MamaKent. Bo says that she and the baby are healthy. Bo puts his hands on Clark's shoulders and starts to say something, but just then Lana shows up in the doorway wearing tight pants and a jacket. Bo just says he's proud of Clark and leaves them. On the way out, Bo says, "Miss Lang." She says, "Mr. Kent." It's almost cute. Almost. Clark starts to get Lana's horse for riding. "Donatello"? What kind of name for a horse is that? Lana says she might drop out of the show. She tells Clark about the Henry situation. Oh, and how was your day, Clark? Finally, Lana does ask about Chloe. Clark says he went to talk to her, but that this incident put her over the edge. Clark can't believe it. Lana believes they'll work through it. Clark says, "I miss her already." Lana suggests that they should be cautiously optimistic that they'll each get a second chance. The parallels! Brilliant! Not really! Clark says that the real loser here is the horse; Clark says the horse worked hard, and now he can't strut his stuff. Maybe he's a gelding and doesn't have "stuff." Lana smiles. She says she guesses she can't disappoint the horse. She says she'll share this with someone special. "You're still going, right, Clark?" she asks. "You can count on me," Clark says. No you can't! Fraud!

Trashed Torch office. Chloe is cleaning things. Papa Luthor shows up, wearing a long black coat. Chloe is surprised to see him. Chloe is wearing a cute top, actually. She says she's never entertained a billionaire before. Papa Luthor fingers the broken column. He says he heard about the vandalism. Papa Luthor says it may have been the same person who took his truck. Chloe says there's still a question; Sammy confessed to the truck stuff, but not trashing the newsroom. Then why did he tease Clark about it? No. Sense. Chloe wonder why Sammy would confess to the big stuff but not to this. Papa Luthor looks around the room and says it's not easy to understand the criminal mind. He notices a photo of Clark on a wall. Clark is smiling in a newspaper, and the headline reads, "Local teen discovers Indian caves." Papa Luthor calls it an interesting display. Chloe tells him it's the Wall of Weird. Papa Luthor says he wants to help rebuild the newspaper. His foundation is going to make a charitable donation to the school. Principal Asskick will love that. Papa Luthor says that the funds will be to rebuild and update the journalism department. Chloe, hair unflippy, says that the struggling editor in her wants to thank Papa Luthor, but that the journalist wants to know why. Papa Luthor says he's impressed with her alternative methods. He mentions her Daily Planet internship. He says they could use some new blood, and that he has some influence. He offers to call them and introduce her "unique point of view." Chloe is very flattered. But she still doesn't understand why Papa Luthor would help her. He says he's just after the truth. He says that journalists are the midwives of history. What did you call me? He says that with his help, they could maybe make history together. He hands her a business card. Chloe watches him leave. Papa Luthor chuckles. We close on Chloe and the business card. Ominous music plays.