Fever

So, I went to Vancouver last week after all (sorry, no set visit), and it does indeed look like Kansas! The majestic waterways! The mountains! All those evergreens! I also stayed on Granville Island, so I finally get all those references in the show to "that kid from Grandville" that they throw in just for fun. Oh, and some guy told me he knew where Kristin Kreuk lived. He was very creepy, so I didn't accept his offer to be shown where it was. Kristin: I hope you have some good blinds installed at your place.

This week: Smallville gives us "Fever." Fever! We start up on the lovely Kent Farm. Ooh, look: a windmill. I just had a Don Quixote moment in my head. We cut right to the dank storm cellar, where MamaKent -- casting sneaky looks behind her -- walks down the stairs carrying the green flour tin from a few weeks back. The shiny, clean spaceship, uncovered and conspicuous, looms ominously. Clark must use Space Turtle Wax to give it that nice, polished look. MamaKent opens the flour tin and pulls the octagon piece of the ship out from it. She holds it up, and we shift focus over to the octagon-shaped hole in the ship's hull. So the octagon is like a spark plug? Clark wanders over and says, "Hey Mom, you down here?" She left the cellar door wide open for any silly person to walk over and notice. MamaKent scrambles to close the tin. She says that Clark was supposed to go to the hardware store with Bo Duke. Clark says that Bo remembered he had the part in the barn. Yeah, those pesky parts. MamaKent lies that she was coming down to get some peaches for dessert. Yep, that spaceship makes those peaches taste mighty fine. You haven't lived till you've had spaceship peace cobbler. Clark accepts the lure of delusion and hops back up the stairs. MamaKent eyes a bunch of paint cans (which say on the label, in huge-ass letters, "Contains lead" as opposed to "Glidden Paint! Not At All Dangerous!") and starts moving them around. She uses a hand shovel to start digging a hole into the soft basement soil. As she digs and starts to breathe harder, we zoom in on her lips. While I'd normally be a big proponent of a MamaKent heavy-breathing shot, the moody music kind of ruins it. We CGI into her esophagus where these green glowing spore things are surfing along. They're evil Scrubbing Bubbles! The Evil Scrubbers begin attaching themselves to the inside of her windpipe. Back in the real world, MamaKent buries the octagon piece, green tin can and all. She also begins to cough as she replaces the dangerous paint cans.

Inside the house, Bo Duke is under the sink fixing something. He eyes his hand mysteriously and says, "Well, that ought to do it." He gets up and turns on the faucet. Success! Savor the little victories, Bo Duke. MamaKent comes in hurriedly and says that was fast. Clark says he offered some spot welding help, but Bo said that would just slow him down. Bo says Clark's abilities are no match for a 3/4-inch copper washer. But can copper washers ejaculate with their eyes? MamaKent, holding a pitcher, says that the two of them deserve a nice cold glass of lemonade. Just as she says that, she starts to cough and buckle. She coughs some more as Clark asks if she's all right. We get a floor's-eye view of the glass pitcher being dropped and shattering. MamaKent falls in slow motion. It looks like she's about to fall right on the broken pitcher. (Which somehow broke on every part except the part that actually hit the ground.) Clark superzips over before she can fall all the way. As he holds her in his arms, Bo and Clark say her name. Clark says she's not breathing. Overhead shot of them doing this. Bo holds her face in both his hands and says, "Martha?" She's not waking up.

Opening credits. Commercials for the forthcoming soundtrack, which we'll be talking about in detail later.

The Life of David Gale takes place in Austin, but given what I've heard about the movie, please don't hold it against us.

Smallville Medical Center. We know this because tubes are dripping and drooping into our ailing MamaKent. A doctor walks out of the room, but the doctor we really care about -- Lex's girlfriend Doctor Dropkick -- is talking to Bo and Clark. She says they've stabilized MamaKent. Bo Duke is confused. He says she was working outside all day and was fine. He asks how something could have come over her so quickly. Uh, hello? Seasonal allergies? Dropkick -- who's looking a little tired and baggy-eyed this week (though still cute as the Charles Dickens) -- says it's most likely a toxin. She'll know when they do some blood work. Bo Duke says he's staying. Dropkick looks at Bo all affectionately and says she'll have an orderly bring him coffee. I'm sure the orderly will appreciate that. After the doctor leaves, Clark and Bo fret. Bo insists that Clark go run some errands for a fundraiser she was organizing. He reasons that MamaKent wouldn't want them to stand around worrying about her. Even when his wife is at death's door, Bo finds that perfect Hallmark platitude to put thing in skewed, incorrect perspective. Bo reminds Clark how important the food bank (that we've never heard about before) is to MamaKent. Clark reluctantly agrees to take care of family business. Clark puts a hand on Bo's shoulder and says that as soon as he's done, he's coming back to camp out. They can roast weenies! Bo is left to look serious.

Outside The Talon, the marquee reads, "Charity Concert This Saturday...Welcome Steadman." Steadman! I love Steadman. Oprah's boyfriend totally rocks. Inside, Clark is carrying a Gateway computer box. But don't they mostly use Apple products on this show? The actors are gonna get crowded out by all the product placement. Lana is talking to someone off-camera and suddenly looks up when she sees Clark. She says she thought Clark's mom was bringing stuff over for the raffle. Clark says MamaKent was, but that she came down with something and is at the hospital. The camera moves to show that Chloe and Pete are the ones talking to Lana. "Hospital. It sounds serious," Lana says. I know it's early, but could somebody throw some cold coffee at her or something? Pete asks if they know what's wrong. Clark says they're doing some tests. Chloe says they have to know something, and asks about her symptoms. "What is this, an interview?" Clark asks, all weird and abrupt. That was the strangest line reading ever. Awkward moment. Clark says, "She stopped breathing, okay?" Lana says that this event was MamaKent's idea, and maybe they should postpone it. As Lana talks, Chloe makes weird eye-rolling motions. Clark says that MamaKent would be disappointed if they cancelled it. Chloe starts to apologize. Clark says it's fine. He leaves to go back to the hospital. Chloe makes "I fucked up" faces.

Hospital waiting room. Some people are sitting behind Clark and Bo Duke, and one of them looks an awful lot like Lex. That sleek bald look must be catching on in town. I guess it would be really easy to pick up gullible women that way. "Why, no, I'm not a billionaire, but I, uh...hey, rub my head!" Doctor Dropkick comes to Bo and as they walk, she says she knows she's already asked this, but has MamaKent been exposed to anything unusual? Bo says no before she even finishes her question. She starts again and Bo cuts her off, saying she hasn't been around anything she hasn't been exposed to before. "What is this about?" he finally asks. Sure -- get short with the doctor who's just doing her job. Dropkick says that the blood cultures indicate an acute toxic reaction. You're a cute reaction. She says she can't identify the source. Bo asks if she can still help MamaKent. Dropkick says she's sent the samples to Metropolis, but she's still concerned about the health of MamaKent and her baby. Say what? Rewind. "Baby." Huh? Rewind. "...her baby." Damn, I guess it's true. I really wish Bo could have been drinking that coffee from earlier here so he could have done a spit take. Instead, he just turns his head and says, "'Baby'?" Should I rewind twice more? "You didn't know?" Dropkick asks. Some balloons would have helped usher in the news. Bo says that there must be some mistake. The doctors said she could never have a baby. Maybe they forgot to add, "With you." I seem to recall that Papa Luthor is as virile as George Foreman. Dropkick -- who has some weird shadows on her face that make her pretty eyes look a little bulgy -- says there's no mistake. Accept no substitutes! Baby operators are standing by! Bo's gonna need to sit down or have a drink at the Wild Coyote or something. He watches MamaKent in the hospital bed through a window as she sleeps.

In Doctor Dropkick's office, Lex is sitting with his girly girl. He's got orange juice in a clear cup with a straw on it. I love good orange juice, by the way. If there's orange juice around, I notice it, dammit. And "from concentrate"? That's for suckers. Pure Premium Tropicana, muthafuckas! Lex asks about Bo and MamaKent. Dropkick gives him a look and just says, "We're doing everything we can." So butt out. Lex purses his lips. He notices a sheet on the table with Johns Hopkins letterhead. "Good school," he says. Dropkick sighs, smiles, and tells him to read it. She's being offered a three-year research fellowship. She says it's an opportunity to do "pure" research at a great institute. She likes her research the way I like my orange juice. Lex asks about Smallville. She says she loves her work there, but that research has always been her first love. Ouch. So Lex is...what, like her fourth or fifth love behind pure research, small-town medicine, bursts of violence, and fashionable eyewear? She asks what Lex thinks. "Trust me. There's nothing worse than a missed opportunity," he says. Probably not the answer she was looking for. Her face says as much. Just then, somebody knocks. It's a craggy-faced guy who says he's a doctor and he's there about MamaKent. Lex excuses himself without so much as a kiss on the cheek. That stung, Lex.

"A baby?" Clark asks. Want me to rewind again? Bo says he didn't know anything about it. "Why would she keep it a secret?" Clark asks. Don't you watch any daytime television at all? Dropkick walks up the hall to Clark and Bo and introduces "Dr. Moore" from the fictitious Disease Control Agency. Bo sputters and asks what this has to do with MamaKent. Dropkick says they get called in whenever it's a matter of public safety. Dropkick says that the results came back from Metropolis. Dr. Craggy Menace says he doesn't want to alarm Bo (too late!), but MamaKent is sick because of a toxin. Didn't we already know that? He says they want to find it and identify it. Clark asks if anyone else can come down with it. Craggy says they don't know yet. He says they have to backtrack MamaKent's actions from the last few days. Bo says she hasn't left the farm in a few days; she's been doing fundraising by phone. "That's where we need to start," Craggy Menace says and immediately walks off. Bo follows and asks what it is he's starting. They're gonna search the farm for the poison! The house, the "outbuildings" (hee), and anywhere else. Bo stops Clark with a hand to the chest. "The ship," he whispers.

The Farm. Clark has superzipped there and is downstairs in the cellar. He starts trying to tarp up the ship while little green dust floats in the air. Clark coughs.

Red truckin'. Clark is driving and Pete is on the passenger side as they drive the ship out of there. Clark asks Pete if the ship will be safe in his barn, knowing full well how things turned out the last time they tried to put the ship there. Pete says he'll put it between the Betamax and his dad's old Pong game. Hee. "Indiana Jones couldn't find it down there," Pete says. Fine. Pretend that episode never existed. Clark looks down and starts to appear a little oogy. The truck begins to swerve on the road. "Clark!" Pete yells. Nauseated Clark. The truck swerves some more, then fishtails off the road and into a roadside ditch, the back wheels caught in it. Pete touches his head. "I'm fine," Pete says, sounding all annoyed. Pete asked what happened. "I'm not sure," Clark says. Pete advises that they get out of there. They get out of the truck. Pete waves for Clark to push the damn truck back on the road. Pete seems really grouchy here. He's probably upset about the product placement he's gotta do later in the episode. Clark tries to push the truck and nothing happens. Pete tells Clark to quit fooling around. Clark says he's trying. In the distance, we hear sirens approaching. Pete looks at the road and over the horizon, a parade of cop cars are coming. "Clark, X-Files alert," Pete says. Clark says that's the DCA team. Pete says, correctly, that they have to get the truck back on the road. Clark and Pete start to struggle and push. Some soil starts to give as they push and push. They manage to get the truck back on the road with their human, burly strength just as the cop cars are getting close. Instead of getting back in the truck, they just stand there, the two most conspicuous men in the state of Kansas (and the province of British Columbia) as the caravan passes. Clark watches as they pass, worriedly. He looks about thirty-five years old.

Commercials. Boy, The WB sure is trying to make The Lone Ranger look mucho macho hetero aren't they?

The DCA arrives at Kent Farm as menacing music plays. I hope they don't find E.T. and put him in an oxygen tent. That would make me cry all over again. Ooh, the new fall biohazard colors! Everyone is wearing very sleek maroon suits and carrying bright yellow kits. Who knew dealing with dangerous substances could be so fashionable? Somebody carries what looks like a head of lettuce in a big plastic baggie. Not because it's dangerous; it's just that the crew hasn't eaten all day and they want to make a nice tossed salad. Another person carries out what look like avocados. Cobb salad? Yes. Another person is digging in soil. We see a table lined with all the baggies, and I swear it looks like a spice sale at the swap meet. A little promo on the screen advertises the two-hour Birds of Prey season finale. They had a season? One that needs a finale? We crane out and see a little yellow tent set up and maroon dudes walking toward the cows, who are all facing the other way like they're expecting a particularly brutal probing. Further back, the red truck is arriving and Bo has a foot up on a fence. Craggy Menace is speaking into a walkie-talkie. Clark gets out of the truck and heads toward Bo, looking around at these strange, color-coordinated disease bees. "Find anything yet?" Clark asks. Bo replies that they haven't. "Please tell me you got the ship out of there," Bo stage-whispers. Oh, he forgot to mention all the high-tech listening devices in their van. Clark says it's at Pete's and that it's safe. Bo chooses to go along with this little selective-memory charade. Clark mentions that his vision got blurry on the road and that he lost control of the truck. And that he temporarily lost all his strength.

Craggy Menace gets a call on his walkie. Some suited dudes in the cellar say they got a positive on some "organic particulate matter." The guy says it looks like someone was digging and kicked up some irradiated spore. Menace asks for a surface sample. The boys in maroon take a shovel to the spot. They find the tin can very easily.

Back outside and fast forward in time, Craggy presents the octagon piece in a baggie. How do they know it's not radioactive? Or dangerous in some other way? A little baggie is going to protect everyone? Craggy says they found it in the storm cellar. He asks whether they've ever seen it before. A guy to Craggy is holding the flour tin in a big baggie. He's going to make a cake to go with the salad. Bo says he hasn't seen the piece before. Craggy asks if MamaKent has been down in the cellar. Funny how neither Craggy nor his assistant is wearing any protective gear on his head. Bo says that they usually keep the cellar locked. Clark interrupts to say that MamaKent was down there that morning. Craggy nods like he knows something and quickly turns. As he walks off, he asks a subordinate via walkie-talkie to sterilize the storm cellar area. It's gonna be a battle between good and evil Scrubbing Bubbles. As Bo and Clark walk away, Clark asks how the piece they've been searching for the last few months could have ended up down there. Bo says that he noticed the flour jar when he was fixing the leak, and that MamaKent must have put it there. Clark asks why she didn't tell them. "She must have her reasons, Clark," Bo says, satisfied with self-delusion. Bo says that right now, he's more concerned about her health. But if she starts to feel better, he's gonna kill her! Clark, within hearing of a bunch of maroon-suits, asks about the spores. Bo speculates that whatever they were, Clark was exposed to them too, so maybe that's why he lost his strength. That or the show has started to become unprofitable. Clark says that he just had a glitch and that Bo doesn't have to worry. Bo frowns. "We need to think about Mom," Clark says, in an obvious edited-in looping job.

Back at the hospital, MamaKent is still sick. Bo is still worried. Bo walks in to her room. He puts a hand on her forehead and asks how she's feeling. Well, let's see. She's in the hospital. She may lose her baby and die because of some mutated Scrubbing Bubbles. I'd say she feels...fine? MamaKent ignores the dumb question and says she should have told him about the baby. Bo asks why she didn't. MamaKent says she was worried that if she said it out loud, it would go away. Bo does the shifty male thing where a woman tells you something really direct and you kind of go, "Oh, why didn't I think of that?" He pulls up a chair. Bo asks how it's even possible. Well, the chair was right behind you and then you pulled it with your hand and slid it across the floor and...oh, you mean the baby? Wait, let me rewind. MamaKent says that the day of the tornadoes ("Vortex" and "Tempest," for those keeping score) she was near the ship and something strange happened. She says that when the ship did its thing, there was a bright light and she felt a surge of energy. Oh, that was just the ratings. Bo asks whether the ship has the ability to heal. MamaKent doesn't exactly answer that when she says she thinks the ship made it possible for her to get pregnant. Wait, she had sex with the ship? Bo kind of chuckles as he says that however it happened (or whomever it happened with, not that I would ever cast aspersions on MamaKent, although it's gotta get lonely on that farm), it's a miracle. MamaKent looks torn up. Bo tells her that they found the octagon piece on the cellar. He asks why she hid it. She knew it was wrong, but she was afraid Clark would open the ship, find the truth about his origins, and leave. She starts to cry. Bo tries to comfort her. She begins to wheeze and cough. Bo kisses her hand and holds it to her cheek. I get warm fuzzies.

Clark is on the front porch. Lana approaches. "Clark," she says. "Hey, Lana," he answers. She's checking to see how he's doing. Clark randomly observes how funny it is when memories randomly pop into your head. Could somebody please explain to Clark what a brain does? He reminisces that in second grade, he worried about going to school because he thought MamaKent would be gone when he got back. Clark shivers. He smiles and says he wouldn't get on a bus until she promised she'd be there when he got home. Sure enough, he says, she was there every day. What about that time that you and Bo went on a trip and when you got back, she had all these weird letters from a National Geographic photographer? Lana assures Clark that in a few days, he'll walk through the door and she'll be there again. Clark suddenly starts to get oogy. He bobs his head a little as Lana grows alarmed. Then he falls down the front steps, ass over head. Lana goes after him. She turns him over and he's unconscious. Somebody save him!

"What happened?" asks Doctor Dropkick, making a house call. She's wearing a nice little business outfit and I let out a little purr. Bo asks Lana if she'll excuse them. Lana exits, but looks back to give Sleeping Clark a long, sad look. Dropkick checks Clark's heartbeat. Bo announces that Clark was exposed to the same toxin MamaKent was. Dropkick feels dropkicked by the surprise. She says that Clark needs to be in the hospital, and that they need to notify the DCA. Bo says they can't do that. "Why the hell not?" she asks. Bo tells her she has to keep this a secret, whatever it is. She says she takes her patients' confidentiality seriously. She ties up Clark's arm and is about to draw blood. Or try to. She swabs. Bo says Clark isn't a "normal boy." So close-minded about sexual orientation, Bo! Dropkick takes out her needle. Bo says she can't do that. "Is this some sort of religious thing?" she asks. She's not the most sensitive of doctors, for sure. She pushes the needle and it goes right in. She draws blood. Bo is astounded. He tells her that she can't take that sample to a lab. She says she's trying to help Clark. Bo grabs her hand as she tries to put away the sample. He asks that she do the testing herself. He says she'll understand why she can't tell anyone if she does the work herself.

Dropkick's lab. She looks at Clark's blood in the microscope. "Oh my God," she says. Just then, Lex knocks on her door. He says he came to see how MamaKent's doing. Dropkick turns over the piece of paper she was writing on. Lex asks about MamaKent. Dropkick says she can't talk about the case. Lex says that the Kents are like family to him, more than his own is. Lex says he wishes he could help. She says that modern medicine doesn't always have the answers. Glad I'm not modern medicine and that she's my spokesperson. Lex brings up the fellowship. He fingers the file on the counter. She takes Clark's file out from under Lex's hand and says she has to get back to work. Lex departs, but not before saying that Johns Hopkins will be lucky to have her. Manipulation! She looks back down at the blood sample. It's pink!

Commercials. One for the soundtrack. It's not enough that this show is on my TV every week, now I gotta have it in my CD player?

A cute little brand-new VW Bug convertible pulls up at Kent Farm, Chloe driving. I thought Chloe's dad was barely struggling to get by. And Chloe sure isn't pulling down big bucks at the school paper. So...prostitution? Seriously, I can't for the life of me figure out how these teens are affording these cars. But, just to assuage your fears, I'm sure Chloe's not hookin'. Now, Pete on the other hand... Chloe is wearing an outfit that wouldn't have been out of place had we been able to see the girl from Blossom grow into adulthood. There's a Chloeavage-revealing top, a fitted brown suede jacket, a big flower on the lapel. Chloe hesitates on her way up to the Kent house.

Inside, Clark is conked out. Bo answers the door. Chloe asks about Clark. Bo sputters, then says that Clark is resting on the couch. She says she must sound annoying, but she was wondering if she could sit with him awhile. Bo sputters some more. He finally says, "Yes!" and tells her he's going upstairs. Chloe approaches Clark on the couch. She sits to him on a rocking chair. She says hi and rubs his arm. She chides the sleeping boy that she's going to write a story about the end of his perfect attendance streak. More arm rubbing. She apologizes and gets serious. She's never seen Clark sick before. It got her thinking about what if something did happen to Clark. She pulls out what she calls an attempt to avoid emotional intimacy: a written statement about her feelings for Clark so that she can avoid eye contact. It reads, "I want to let you in on a secret. I'm not who you think I am. In fact, my disguise is so thin I'm surprised you haven't seen right through me." Tinkly music plays. "I'm the girl of your dreams masquerading as your best friend. Sometimes I want to rip off the faade like I did at the spring formal. But I can't because you'll get scared and you'll run away again. So I decided that it's better than live with the lie than expose my true feelings." This is so much easier when he's unconscious, she says. She reads, "My dad said there are two types of girls -- the ones you grow out of and the ones you grow into. I really hope I'm the latter. I may not be the one you love today, but I'll let you go for now, hoping one day you'll fly back to me. Because I think you're worth the wait." Chloe has been fighting off tears through this whole speech, but finally sniffs and touches Clark's hair when it's over. I can think of a lot of other actresses who would have totally ruined this scene. Go Allison Mack. Chloe watches Clark as he stirs. She says his name. "Lana?" he says sleepily. A single tear rolls down Chloe's rosy cheek. She's destroyed. She collects her note and exits without saying goodbye. She turns before she walks out the door and lets us see her heartbreak. Must. Not. Get emotional.

Later on. It's night. Bo walks out through the front door carrying a jacket. Clark comes out and calls after him. He's wrapped in a blanket. He asks where Bo is going. Bo's going to Pete's to get the ship. "Now?" Clark asks. Clark asks how MamaKent is doing. Bo, red-nosed, tells Clark that the doctors say she probably won't make it through the night. "And now you too," Bo says. He's about to cry. No hug or anything when you tell your son he's got a few hours to live? Clark tells Bo not to think about him. Bo says, "I'm not gonna lose my family. Not without a fight." Bo says he's gonna go find him a miracle. Clark asks if Bo thinks the ship can cure them. "I don't know, Clark," Bo says, all annoyed. Right. Get pissy with your terminally ill kid. This is unintentionally funny: "I'm just grasping at straws here; the doctors can't help you and your mom thinks the ship helped her get pregnant...I don't know, maybe it's crazy." Ha! Clark says they can't activate the ship without the key. Bo says he knows where the DCA took everything (he does?), and he's going there right now. He tells Clark to stay home. "Go to bed, son," he says. To die. Bo gets in the red truck and takes off.

Super-double-dog-secret government lab that Bo knows about. A military policeman patrols with a huge gun along a fence. He doesn't notice Bo, though, who has cut through the flimsy fence. Bo slips through. Forgive me for not remembering who coined it, but I've heard people call him "Double-Bo-Seven" in this scene. Sneaky Bo hides behind some armored personnel carriers. He does a "Splinter Cell" right through some guards. He's a sneaky man. As a carrier leaves, Bo rolls under a door to get inside the main building. If he'd had a hat, he could have done the Indiana Jones thing. Once inside, Bo loses all pretense of sneakiness. Speaking of Indy, he seems to be in that warehouse where they kept the Ark. Shadows everywhere. Bo makes his way to a little glass area inside. Bo rubs his elbow for no reason. He walks right into the blue-lit lab without anyone's noticing. He knocks over a bunch of stuff. Among these thousands of items he manages to find the flour tin. He digs around it and finds the octagon piece. He pockets it. As Bo makes a not-at-all-discreet exit, an MP pulls a gun on him and tells him to freeze. He doesn't have to for long, though, because Clark knocks the MP out from behind. "Clark!" Bo says, loudly for anyone around to hear. Clark, out of breath, says he thought Bo could use a hand. See, because he used his hand? To knock out the guard? Ha! Those writers. Bo and Clark leave the building arm in arm.

Just as Clark and Metal Gear Bo get through a door, an alarm goes off. Yellow light flashes. Siren. Troops go a-huntin'. Clark and Bo splash through a shallow puddle as vehicles get into motion. The Kent truck takes off in a hurry. A fence is opened and troops give chase in their vehicles.