"Insurgence" Resurgence

S02E12

By Omar G

In the Warner Bros. lot:

Al Gough: Boy, we sure pissed off the Smallville fans this season, didn't we?
Miles Millar: True dat, Al. Wait, did I just say "true dat?" That really doesn't sound like me.
AG: We'll fix it in post.
MM: Word. So, what are we gonna do? I mean we're the highest-rated show on The WB. Do we even need those drooling geeks anymore? Hell, we barely even talk to DC Comics anymore. They don't even know we're gonna bring on Silver Surfer as a guest character.
AG: [laughing evilly] Ah yes. The "Iceman" episode. Well, damn I don't know. Maybe we should do like one more good episode this season, you know, one where script doesn't look like leftover bits from a Meg Ryan movie.
MM: But what about our Meg Ryan tribute episode? "MegLana"?
AG: I wouldn't dream of messing with a Lana episode. I mean, she's the crux of the show! And she's hella-pretty! But maybe we should throw the fans a bone. Some Lex crap, some Annette O'Toole crap, some new Superman power crap. They seem to like all that crap.
MM: What are we gonna call all this...crap?
AG: How about..."Crap"?
MM: I'll run it by the writers. We do still have writers, right?
AG: Shit, I don't know. I'll go check.

And...scene.

Brooding Dr. Evil music plays as we open on Lex, sitting at his glass desk, his hands triangled at a perfect Mr. Burns pose in front of him. This show is broadcast in high-definition widescreen, and if I have my druthers (druthers donations accepted, by the way), I may be watching it that way by late spring. Lex -- still looking down at his "Here is the steeple..." hands -- says he was under the impression the deal had closed. A lackey, who looks like he could be the biologically impossible son of Nathan Lane and Hank Azaria, holds his briefcase in his arms like a baby and apologizes. Lex is pissed. He says he wants to know how his dad beat him out of a $150 million contract that he thought was a done deal. Nathan Azaria says the only way Papa Luthor could have pulled that off was with inside information. Lex says he and Nathan were the only two who knew about it, and since Lex didn't tell his father... "That leaves you in a very uncomfortable position." Nathan, who seems to be a total wuss, says that if he no longer has Lex's confidence, he'll tender his resignation. Aw. He'll "tender" it. See? Wuss. Lex stands and comes around the desk as the music continues to swell. Lex says his dad would have done more than just accept a resignation. He'd "hobble [Nathan] at the knees" and make sure the poor guy never had a corporate job again. That's fine. Nathan, a Good Samaritan at heart, has always wanted to teach the homeless. Nathan gulps and starts to walk away. "But I'm not my father," Lex says. Lex just wants to know how Papa Luthor found out, and how Lex can stop it from ever happening again. Nathan Azaria, shell-shocked, nods and exits. Lex has a really nice flat-panel monitor on his desk. Oh, wait, he did. He swings his arms and throws stuff off his desk, including the monitor. Lex bends down to pick stuff up and then notices a small white flower. It looks a bit like mistletoe. He pulls out what looks like a needle with some stuff on it: Ah, it's a bug. The Watergate kind. Lex looks around. This is not good.

In the scene, it's the same office by day, but stuff is strewn everywhere. It's a mess! Alexander Graham Luthor, you clean up your room this instant! While frenzied rock music plays loudly, Lex is throwing books off shelves, dumping what looks like a wide gold urn (Uncle Jonas, no!), and clawing through some expensive artwork with a crowbar. He's wearing the same shirt he had on last night, so he either hasn't slept or is keeping a very consistent wardrobe. Clark walks in on this, looking confused. But all is clear when he sees Lex. Everything is always clear when Clark just looks into Lex's eyes. Mmmm... "Lex, what's going on?" Clark asks. Lex, his tongue hanging out, gives Clark the quiet finger and goes over to the stereo. Finally, Lex is having a Pavlovian reaction to the sight of Clark. Lex moves his hand toward one of those neat vertical-standing executive CD players that you see at The Sharper Image. Its glass doors open when Lex's finger goes toward it. He turns up the volume. "Big Brother is listening," Lex says over the music, "or should I say 'Big Daddy.'" The idea of Papa Luthor being called "Daddy" just strikes me as funny. Between this and week's "Who Shot Lionel?" episode, this show is becoming more like Dallas all the time. Lex shows off some bugs he's found in the room. There are about four or five tiny gadget-looking bits that could have been made by the props department from paper clips and bits of Transformers toys. Lex says they're state-of-the-art. Yes, Hasbro toys usually are. Lex says he'll have to bring in experts to "sweep" the rest of the mansion. Clark asks if Lex is sure his dad did it. Lex says vehemently that he was underbid on a $150 million contract. "You do the math," Lex says. Damn. That's a sore spot with Clark. Clark tells Lex to calm down. "Don't tell me to calm down, Clark!" Lex says before Clark finishes his sentence. Clark looks like he's been spanked. And not in the good way. Lex, calming down, asks how Clark would feel if someone was listening in on his every private moment. Lex gets back to tearing the place apart while Clark has a look-see around the room. He does a cross-eyed squint at the CD player. We don't see the X-Ray vision or anything, just Clark making that face. Clark goes to Lex and says the devices could be anywhere -- the sofa cushions, the heating vents...Lex says he checked those. "What about your stereo?" Clark asks. Oh, you're good, Supermope. Very good. Lex and Clark exchange a look, but Lex keeps it a little longer, pausing to linger on Clark's ups and downs. It is, even this early, already the Gayest Look of the Episode! Lex goes to the stereo and leans in. We get a reverse shot of Lex looking at the stereo, fish-eye-lensed. In slow motion, Lex whips back with his artwork-cutting tool and slams it into the stereo. We cut back and forth from the Lex view and the stereo view and when it smashes, we see static. Cue opening credits.

A picture of Bo Duke, MamaKent, and a tow-headed boy that we can guess is Clark Kent as a child. We pan into to the Kent Kitchen, where Bo Duke is carrying a plate of food as he walks by his supa' dupa' alien son. Clark asks if Bo wants that food extra-crispy. Bo holds up the plate and says no thanks: he says he's cooked the bird (it's fried chicken) to a "golden brown perfection." Like Beyoncé? Oh man, I need to stop making myself go off-track like that or I'll be here all night. Bo says it's just the way MamaKent likes it. Passing over a sealed bowl of salad and some other Tupperwared food, Clark asks why Bo and MamaKent aren't going to Metropolis for their anniversary. Bo, filling up a picnic basket, reminds the boy that the last time they had an anniversary out of town, "a certain somebody" had a party at their house. Continuity! How it shines like a lovely star. Clark says he thinks a picnic sounds perfect. MamaKent comes down the stairs in her nice brown business suit and orange shirt, and says heavily that she can't go. Bo asks what she means. She says that Papa Luthor is finalizing a major acquisition and needs her help. When she says his name, "Lionel," she draws it out prettily. She says she needs to go to the Metropolis office to prepare. Clark asks if she told Papa Luthor it was her anniversary. She doesn't answer. She says she'll be back the night and they can celebrate then, at any restaurant Bo wants. Yeah, they can go to "The Cattle Wagon," "Podunk Subs," or The Talon. Mmmm Cattle Wagon... MamaKent pats Bo on the chest with her flat palm, but Bo is just bitter. "Are you gonna put that on your LuthorCorp expense account?" he asks. Now who's been crisped to perfection? MamaKent says he can't make her feel any worse than she already does. She says that Papa Luthor is her boss and she doesn't have a choice. "I'm your husband," Bo says. MamaKent looks at him with her mouth open. She says she'd rather spend the day with him, but the job is important to her. Bo, who needs a shave, says he never thought he'd see the day when the job was more important to MamaKent than the family. Low blow, Bo. Clark interrupts and says she shouldn't be working for Papa Luthor anyway since he stole the acquisition from Lex. Love! Bo tells Clark to shut it. MamaKent asks how many times Bo's put the farm (and those cows! Those sexy, awful cows!) in front of their personal lives. Bo says that's different. A whole bovine world of different. "Why?" MamaKent asks. "I'm working toward the same goal -- our family's financial security." She says she wishes the job didn't bother Bo so much. She gives Bo and Clark a staredown. Then she leaves. Bo and Clark get to stand there and emote their frustration. At least they've got fresh chicken.

House of Lexin'. Papa Luthor, though blind, still does a fair job bursting through opening doors. He pops through Lex's office doors in a purple tie and asks Lex what's so urgent. Lex, who is up overhead on a second level, asks Papa Luthor if he remembers the American Embassy in Moscow. Did they go together or something? Lex says it was so riddled with surveillance devices, the State Department had to abandon it. Smallville: ripped from the headlines! Papa Luthor says he has a meeting. He ain't got time for this crap. He says he doesn't have time to talk about foreign affairs. Lex says the topic is domestic. Mmmm, beer. Lex says he's discovered a bug problem in his home. Papa Luthor chuckles and says that corporate espionage is a fact of modern life. He says he's surprised Lex's security is so lax. Lex says he can't imagine how someone got access to the mansion. Are you kidding me? People come and go from the mansion, like, every week. Lex has been kidnapped from his own home! People have been shot! I thought you got free admission to Lex's mansion with every cappuccino purchase at The Talon! Papa Luthor smells the air around him. "Do I detect a faint whiff of innuendo?" he purrs. Hee. "Of course not, Dad," Lex says. "I just wanted to congratulate you on winning that contract." Papa Luthor asks if Lex is making an excuse for his defeat. Lex's mouth twitches. Papa Luthor says he doesn't have time for excuses. And I haven't got time for the pain. Excuse me while I self-medicate...ah, much better. At the door on his way out, Papa Luthor suggests that Lex call an exterminator. Lex lets a little smile escape his lips. Yep, even when you've been screwed, at least you can say you've been screwed by one magnificent bastard. After Papa Luthor leaves, Lex's cell phone rings. He picks it up and attaches a silver device to its bottom. He answers, "This is Mr. Green." The man on the other line is a handsome Asian dude. He says they're ready to close escrow. The man is standing on a city street outside a blue van with a sign that says, "Metropolis Janitorial Services." Lex asks how soon they can complete the transaction. "Today," Janitorminator says. He says they're on site and ready to go and can get Lex full audio and video. He asks if they have Lex's authorization. "Mr. Green" picks up a bug off the table and says, "Do it." Janitorminator and some PreviousNext

how.cgi?show=54">Stone Cold Steve Austin-looking dude in the van get moving. As the van passes, we see it was parked in front of LuthorCorp headquarters.

Clark is in the Barnness of Angstitude, reading a book called, Families in Conflict: Healing the Rift by Dr. Justin Bishop. He looks up and sees Lana walking up the stairs to the loft. She's wearing an all-pink dress. Ugh. "Wow," Clark says. Lana asks if Clark doesn't think it's too much. If by "too much" she means pink, then yes. It's too much. Clark asks why she's so gussied up. Lana asks what you call your newly discovered biological father's wife. Julie? Clark suggests Mrs. Small. I guess that works too, Mr. Huge. Lana says she fees like she's auditioning. "What if she votes me off the island?" Lana asks nervously. Clark says that anyone who gets to know Lana will realize how special she is. It just might take a few, um, seasons. Lana gets all googly about the compliment and thanks Clark. She says that's sweet. Clark says she's always telling him he should be more honest. So, what, you're gonna lie now? Lana says that Clark sees her that way, but that this lady might not. Is this scene over yet? I mean, seriously? Because I have other stuff I could be doing. Clark says that if this lady doesn't accept Lana, it'll be that lady's loss. Lana acknowledges that things have been going well with Maybe Dad, and that maybe it's the adopted-child fantasy she has, but she thinks this could lead to an actual family. Clark says that even if you have a family, it's not always a picnic. Sometimes the picnic is called off because of an argument and the fried chicken is dumped in the garbage disposal and the bones clog it all up and Clark has to use his strength to fix it. Get it? Lana says it's fine if you're a Kent. Clark says his parents aren't getting along right now. Lana says she's sorry and asks if he wants to talk about it. Clark says later. Lana's lip curls. She leaves, but not before telling Clark that whatever's going on with his parents, they'll work it out. "Some people are just meant to be together," Lana says. Long meaningful look. Kill me.

Back at the castle. What's that weird red splotch at the top of the castle? Did somebody throw paint at it for being made of fur? Inside, Lex is staring at his phone. Clark and his fugly red jacket walk in. So much for tight security. "Lex. What's the most romantic restaurant in Metropolis?" Clark asks. Lex is thinking, "He asked me, he asked me!" Lex says he's sure there are lots of opinions about that, but he would have to go with Le Blah Blah Fleur. (Yes, I am a master of the French language. No applause necessary.) Clark asks if Lex can score him a reservation for that night. "Who's the lucky girl?" Lex asks dubiously. Clark tells Lex about the picnic and how MamaKent is up in Metropolis now with Papa Luthor. Lex asks about their being up there on a Sunday. Clark asks if Lex can believe that Papa Luthor is making MamaKent work on her anniversary. As almost an aside, Lex says that, to his father, there's no such thing as a personal life. Unless Boobs McChesty is involved. Lex says he thinks, since it's the Kents' anniversary, that he can do Clark one better on the restaurant reservation. Free breadsticks? Lex gulps as he says it. Oh yeah. He might even expense a little hotel room for some Clark and Lex hospitality suite-ing. Oh, wait, that's not on the show!

LuthorCorp in downtown Metropolis. It looks very...metallic. We look up, and it's a skyscraper, all right. Inside, a cleaning crew has just come in, and you know something's up because they're walking fast and with purpose. I don't know where you work, but in my building, the cleaners are anything but fast. They shuffle along and smoke outside a lot. None of this striding-purposefully crap. Everything in the building is very blue. The crew -- which is the same group led by the Handsome Asian guy who was talking to Lex earlier -- starts unloading equipment and getting their gadget on. With practiced skill, they hand each other things and get working. One of them is very cute; she looks a bit like Tyra Banks. One other guy still looks like Stone Cold Steve Austin and the fourth...well, he's not important. Except that he blows on a piece of equipment and probably gets spittle all over the semiconductor. With surgical gloves on, they take out bugs and start planting them around what I'm guessing is Papa Luthor's office/piano room. Piano. Phone. Behind a fake-looking picture of Papa Luthor with Lex standing behind him. Papa's hair looks unnaturally cropped in weird, jagged edges and I swear Lex has a drop shadow. Did they grab this off a fan site? Not Quite Tyra types with her gloved hands in a program subtly called "Spyware" and somehow hacks into LuthorCorp. Handsome Asian answers his phone and it's Lex. "Green," Lex says. The new spring colors! "I want you to terminate. Now!" Lex says in his distorted "Mr. Green" voice. You remember that gadget he plugged into his phone? It makes his voice all fat. Handsome Asian says Lex will be forfeiting his deposit. Lex says there are people in the building and he wants them out. "I understand," Handsome says. And it really feels like he does, you know? That's acting, dammit. Stone Cold picks up a remote from the table while Handsome tells the team what's happening. Stone Cold uses the remote to open up a set of sliding doors leading to another, more secure door. Handsome Asian gives him the handsome eyes. "What are you doing?" he asks. Handsomely. Stone Cold asks if he thinks they broke into the office of the one of the richest men in the world just to plant some bugs. Philip Glass clanging plays as we zoom in on Handsome. "We ain't leavin' until we empty that vault," the new heavy says. Man, that's cold. Stone cold. Handsome looks over to the woman, who actually looks a little more skeletal than Tyra Banks. He calls her "Bishop." Skeletal Tyra is no help here. Dude, you got screwed. Even Insignificant Guy is in on it. Handsome asks how long they've worked together, adding that they were hired to do a specific job. Remember the Russian embassy? Those bugs at the Black Panthers headquarters? Taping Britney Spears making fun of someone else's dancers? Good times. Stone Cold clocks Handsome on the back of the head and he drops like a handsome sack of potatoes. "Your job description's just been changed," Stone Cold says, coldly. Insignificant Guy looks like he wants to say something, but he's not being paid for that, so he just goes to get some torches.

One of Papa Luthor's tasteful offices. He and MamaKent are sitting on a leather couch and she's showing him where to sign on some sort of contract. She collects the papers into a blue folder and stands up. As we pan over some nearby light blue glass sculptures, he asks her if anything's wrong. She says that when she was told there was important work to do on a Sunday, she didn't think she'd be there by herself. Papa Luthor says he thought she'd like to work in her new office. Nice. He asks her to look in the top left-hand drawer of the desk. She does, and finds a nice red box with black trim. She opens it. It's a really ornate, though bulky, watch resting on what looks like a black leather wrist wrest. She smiles and is sufficiently wowed. This is not the face of a woman who is resisting the rich man's charms. Papa Luthor chuckles at her speechless reaction. "Turn it over," he tells her. She smiles and does. "To Martha, with deep affection, L.L." Oh yeah, Bo's sure gonna let her wear that around. Papa Luthor says he's promoting her and will need her more in Metropolis. In the worst way. She says she's flattered, but can't accept this. She says that as for working in Metropolis, the job is already putting a big strain on her family. Papa Luthor smoothly takes her hand in both of his. He says he knows how much she's given up to be a (slight scoff) farmer's wife. He says that with her brains and talents, she deserves to make her own ambitions a priority. "We'll discuss it over dinner," he says. Magnificent. And bastardous. Just then, Insignificant Guy busts in and points a gun at them. He says that for the "lovebirds," it's the wrong place, wrong time. He yells at them to get their hands up. MamaKent's mouth moves around a bit in shock.

Kent Kitchen. Bo walks in, yelling up the stairs, asking Clark why there's a helicopter parked in the yard. Clark comes around from the side and holds up a suit in a dry-cleaning bag. Lex comes up behind Clark, too. I half expect them to be smoothing down their clothes and fixing their zippers. Clark says excitedly that they're taking Bo up to Metropolis so that he can meet MamaKent for dinner. Bo says this was Lex's idea, wasn't it? Lex says it was Clark's idea; Lex just offered the chopper. "Look," Bo says, slamming something down on the table. It takes a while for Clark's smiles to fade. Bo says that, around here, people respect each other's privacy. Except when it involved a krypto-mutant and MamaKent is calling all over town to find out how they're doing at the hospital. Lex has had it. He steps forward and says that he's done nothing but try to be a friend to Bo: "In return, you do nothing but lecture me with sanctimonious platitudes." Woohoo! Shout-out! "I'm done listening to them," Lex says. But is Bo done dishing them out? Nope. He's got about six hundred green stamp books full and he was just about to order a new batch of them. Lex walks away. Clark goes to Bo and says that wasn't fair. Bo says dangerously that everything was fine in their family until the Luthors showed up. Clark says that it's not Lex's fault. Sweet. Bo angrily tells Clark that it's not his responsibility to fix everything. Does that mean Clark is excused from chores involving repairing everything on the farm? "So just stay out of it," Bo says. Man, is he unhinged.

Commercials. Yes, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind is a comedy. Sort of. But it's also damned depressing. You've been warned. And Penélope Cruz, if you're reading this? You're not one burp closer to being America's sweetheart.

Back at LuthorCorp, Skeletal Tyra is doing some metal cutting, and with her big bug-eyed shades, she looks a bit, um...mannish. Handsome Asian is watching her, with his hands tied behind his back. He looks really bitter. Stone Cold is just pleased with himself. Insignificant Guy comes in bearing gifts: he shoves MamaKent and Papa Luthor into the room. "Good. Just saved us a whole lot of time," a sweaty Stone Cold growls. "Open the vault," he tells Papa Luthor. "Too late, genius," Handsome Asian says. "You already burned the plate." When you're tied up and the other guy has the gun is not the time to cop attitude. The criminals all look at each other. An alarm suddenly goes off. Stone Cold goes to look. He asks how the cops got tipped off. Papa Luthor is holding something with a flashing red light in his hand. He scowls at Stone Cold. Stone Cold comes over and tries to grab it out of Papa Luthor's grasp while MamaKent says he's hurting poor Papa Luthor. He pulls out what looks like a little flashing light you'd wear on a necklace at a rave. "Panic button. State of the art," Handsome Asian says. Yeah, we get it. It's all state of the art. Just once, I'd like them to say, "Pager. 1989 technology." Papa Luthor smiles smugly. "Check him out," Stone Cold says. Yeah, check him out. He's magnificent! Insignificant Guy searches Papa Luthor. Papa seems to be having a grand time. He says that a man in his position can't take too many precautions. In his own office. With MamaKent with him? What was he going to do with it in his hand if they did end up making out? MamaKent urges the crooks to let them go to avoid kidnapping charges. Papa Luthor says they should listen to her. Handsome Asian gripes that they should have stuck to the plan. Stone Cold ain't havin' that. He turns around and shoots Handsome Asian right in the damn chest. MamaKent screams. Insignificant Guy and Skeletal Tyra bring their own guns up, and it's Mexican Standoff time. Stone Cold points guns at both of them and screams for them to shut up as they yell at him. MamaKent has ended up in Papa Luthor's arms and he's gently stroking her hair. Smooth. Stone Cold slows things down and calms his associates. He puts his guns down and says they're going to get their money and get out of there. The comrades reluctantly drop theirs. Nice exposed belly, Tyra. They get back to work on the vault. Papa Luthor says they're running out of time and that there's nothing valuable for them in the vault. Stone Cold says to keep an eye on the couple; they'll need them later for leverage. More scared hugging.

And now the scene we all care the least about in this episode: The obligatory "Lana and her family issues" scene. I'll try to keep it brief. Lana is at The Talon at a tiny table with her biological dad and his Patricia Wettig-looking wife. She has an insanely deep voice. While Maybe Dad goes to get more coffee, Lana and Maybe Mom have a little heart-to-heart. Maybe Mom says she likes The Talon and that Lana has good taste. Except for all that pink. Pink eyeshadow, pink lipstick, pink outfit. The hell? (Fine, that was me, but still.) Lana thanks Maybe Mom for meeting her. She says she knows it can't be easy. Maybe Mom ignores that and says that Lana seems like a very together young woman. (Cough. Cough.) She says she's going to be candid. She doesn't want Lana to get too close to her dad. Not because of Lana but because the guy has a tendency to lose interest in things. Like his own two kids in boarding school he never calls and his own damn wife. She says she's just trying to keep Lana from being crushed. Basically, he's all ambition, no follow and fights for losing causes until things get too hard. Lana's not too happy about this. Lana's about to cry. Maybe Dad comes back and asks what they've been talking about. They don't say anything.

Outside LuthorCorp, a newscaster for what looks like the "ZAP" network is doing a broadcast on the hostage situation. Clark and Bo, who are never ever watching TV at home, just happen to be in the living room watching as the broadcast comes on. Bo's even reading a book, which is way unbelievable. "Mom," Clark says when they mention an unidentified female employee on the air. "If anybody tries to hurt your mother," Bo begins, and he and Clark both scramble to the door. Bo stops Clark and tells him he's not going to try to stop him, but to be careful. Bo says he'll follow Clark in the truck and get there as soon as he can. Clark says there's a faster way to get there; he just has to talk to Lex.

More vault-breaking action. Dead Handsome Asian's phone is ringing. Stone Cold takes the phone and tells Insignificant Guy to take the body out of there. "What?" Stone Cold says into the phone. Lex, in his own office, says he hired them to install bugs, not create a media circus. Lex asks who it is. Stone Cold identifies himself. "You show me your Caller ID, I'll show you mine," he says. Lex wants to speak to Handsome Asian. Stone Cold says that Handsome Asian is definitely not in charge anymore. He hangs up. In the background, poor Handsome Asian is being dragged by his feet across the floor. He makes an icky sliding sound.

Just as Lex is getting off the phone, Bo Duke walks in unannounced. Yep, that's some airtight fucking security right there. How did those bugs ever end up in this office? "I take it you've seen the news," Lex says. Bo says that if he hadn't been bull-headed, he and MamaKent would probably be on their way to dinner. "Instead..." he begins. Lex cuts him off and says there's plenty of blame to go around. Bo breathes deeply. Bo asks Lex, after a long pause of delicious waiting, if he'd -- "Sure, Mr. Kent. I'll give you a helicopter ride to Metropolis," Lex says. See how he waited and then interrupted? That's genius.

Clark in Metropolis. A crowd of people are being ushered back from the LuthorCorp building. Some people are on their cell phones or talking into microphones. Clark manages to get past a barricade and looks up, way up at the buildings. A cop pushes him back. SWAT soldiers line up while Clark spies a sewer grate. He starts to pull on it. A woman pulls a gun on him and tells him to stand up and put his hands over his head. It's LadyCop. And she doesn't come with a safety strip. Clark stands up, puts his hands on his head, and says he can explain. She digs around in his crotch, looking for weapons, which we see from a below-ground view from the grating. She's older-looking than most guest stars on the show, and in a really good way. She's actually believable as a tough cop. She lets Clark talk. He says his mom is up in that building. She asks if he was gonna play hero. LadyCop says Clark nearly got his mother killed; the building has all of its openings wired to the security system and the crooks have access to it. She says that if someone sticks a big toe in, they'll know. "Come on, hero, you're coming with me," she says. Clark goes.

Inside. More vault-cracking. Tyra has cut a piece out of the wall and taken it out, but there still seems to be about thirty-three layers of metal left. Insignificant Guy frets that their two captors saw them shoot Handsome Asian. He lamely says that he's not going down for murder. Stone Cold says they'll deal with them when the time comes. Papa Luthor leans in and whispers to MamaKent that he knows what she's thinking; she'd be at home with her family if it weren't for Papa Luthor. She says she doesn't blame him. She's just sad she left on bad terms with Bo. Papa says he had a row with Lex that morning, too. Sad, sad, people. "If they kill us, those will be the last words we spoke to each other," he says overdramatically. We cut to a drill trying to puncture through the vault wall. Tyra's doing the drilling still. She calls Stone Cold over to take over with his part. He attaches what looks like a Super Big Gulp with a flexible straw. He uses some gas to bring down the temperature. Ice to see you! He takes a crowbar and smashes right through some frozen material. That's not how you really do it, is it? The vault is opened. They stare into it. "What the hell is this?" Tyra asks. It's a bunch of huge watermelon Jolly Ranchers! Hooray! No, wait, it's very neat bars of meteor rock. MamaKent sees the bricks. Papa Luthor rubs his chin smugly.

Outside, Bo and Lex have just arrived together. Lex says it's fine and gets them through the barrier. Bo spots Clark, who is hanging out with LadyCop. LadyCop tells Bo to take Clark away from the building or she'll arrest him. I love LadyCop. Lex starts to introduce himself to the LadyCop, but she knows who he is. He asks to be let in on the negotiations. She leads him away.

Clark and Bo. Clark tells him he may have found a way into the building: "No one's watching The Daily Planet." Clark looks up and we see a big building with a huge globe at the top. The familiar symbol of The Daily Planet. Nice. Bo says that surely Clark can't be considering jumping. "It's the only way," Clark says. What about Lex's helicopter? Can't they do a little fly-by? Bo says it's over two hundred feet. Still looking up, Clark nervously says he can make it. Bo adds that Clark is afraid of heights. "If we're not here to save Mom, why are we here?" Clark asks. A question for the ages. Bo says he's concerned, but that they can't make a mistake that'll get her killed. Clark looks up again at the Planet.

Later that evening. It's dark out. Inside, Stone Cold is carrying out a stack of folders from the vault and bitching about money that isn't there. Papa Luthor says he told him there was nothing they would want. Instead of shooting him or clubbing him about the head, Stone Cold loses his temper and throws a stack of folders. Boy, this guy's a real loose cannon. As Tyra tries to get Stone Cold's attention, MamaKent notices that one of the folders is labeled "Clark Kent Confidential." That's what they should have named this show. Papa Luthor is still with the smug smile. And hey, remember that octagon-shaped disc? Stone Cold pulls it out of a glass cylinder they found inside the vault. Stone Cold takes it over to Papa Luthor, pulls back the man's fine, lustrous hair roughly (mind the waves!) and asks what it is. Papa Luthor asks MamaKent to remind the thug that he's blind and can't see what the hell the guy is talking about. He takes off his shades to make the point. It's bunk, but more on that later. Papa Luthor asks MamaKent to describe what the guy is holding. MamaKent nervously describes the octagon metal object. "It's nothing. Keepsake," Papa Luthor says. MamaKent looks at Papa suspiciously.

Outside. A helicopter is circling the building. LadyCop is on the phone with Stone Cold. He asks about his transportation. She says they need a show of good faith first and that he should release one of the hostages. So, like, half his hostages then? He says that's fine, and roughly pulls up MamaKent. He takes her to a window where he has two guns pointed at her and says that if they don't do what he says in the ten minutes, they can take her out in a body bag. Yikes. They say they're working on it and to stay cool up there. Lights flash. MamaKent cowers. Down below, Bo and Clark are worried.

Commercials. The Dominos Dots commercial doesn't make me drool, but the one for "Devil May Cry 2" does.

Oh man, I'm only halfway through the episode? Nooooo! Big pretty CGI swoop-over of the gold Daily Planet globe. Nicely done. We end up on the roof. Clark somehow got up there without going through any kind of security. Even podunk newspapers have at least one security person to keep out the crazies. Clark looks around. He eyes the LuthorCorp building. Walks over. Sees that it's a damn big distance. He looks down at the street and gets queasy.

On the street. Lex is on the phone with Stone Cold. He tells Stone Cold not to hurt the hostages. Stone Cold is pissed. He says he was expecting to find his retirement fund in the vault, but instead, he found a bunch of files and green rocks cut into bars. Lex asks what else was in there. Stone Cold is not forthcoming. Lex says that if he knows what's in there, he might be able to help them. Stone Cold remembers the metal octagon. Lex pivots. He says for them to pack up everything. He knows a way out of the building. But first, he wants them to let the hostages go. Stone Cold thinks about it. He pockets the octagon.

Clark is on the roof. He takes a few steps back. He huffs and he puffs. He taps his foot. Shot of Bo looking up at the building. Challenge music plays. Clark looks at LuthorCorp and some birds fly by. Clark zip-runs, the blur effect all over him. He leaps and we hear a "whoosh" as the camera first follows him from overhead, giving the illusion that he's sort of flying. He seems to swim in the air. The camera then zips to an overhead shot and we see Clark do The Running Man in the air and the street below. Michael Jordan side shot of Clark leaping with the moon in the background. Front view of Clark with his teeth all gritted. He leaps out of the frame. View from behind. Clark is falling. He's not gonna make the roof. In fact, he's heading right for the building itself and I have a George of the Jungle flashback. Clark's expression changes from determination to, "Oh, SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT!" Now he's headed straight for a window. Clark tries to brace himself. From inside the building, we see him crash right through the window and some Venetian blinds. He slams against a wall, putting a huge dent into it. Clark rolls up and smiles. He knocks over a painting from the wall. He runs out of the room. I don't remember who coined it on the forums, but hooray for Flying Squirrel Clark!

Hostage Central. Insignificant Guy notices that they had a security breach. "What? A flying squirrel? Do they even have those in Metropolis?" he thinks. He tells Stone Cold. "We got company," IG says. "Check it out," Stone Cold tells him. You can't teach these kinds of great line deliveries, even at the Actor's Studio.

Outside, more SWAT teamers get into place. LadyCop says that a window blew out on the thirtieth floor and they're going in. She tells her dudes to move it. A helicopter still hovers overhead, shining a light on the building.

Lex on the phone. He asks what's going on up there. Stone Cold says the stuff in the vault must be worth something to Lex. He wants $1 million and a way out of there. He'll be able to buy a voice smoother to get rid of that nasty growl. Lex tells Stone Cold that he's in no position to negotiate. Stone Cold says it's not a negotiation. "We get out of here or nobody does," he says. Lex tells him there's a private elevator that leads to a tunnel and garage three blocks away. The cops wouldn't know about that from the blueprints? Even a double-dog secret passage? Stone Cold asks Papa Luthor if he's been holding out on information about a secret way out. "Oh, yes," he says. He hasn't stopped rubbing his chin for hours now. Papa Luthor says that whatever "that anonymous coward Mr. Green" is offering, he'll double it. So the bidding's at $2 million, then? Stone Cold raises an eyebrow. Stone Cold tells Lex that they've got a bidding war. Lex says that no matter what Papa Luthor offers, you can't trust him. Who's the one with the big shiny building? Stone Cold raises the point that he's being expected to trust someone who hides thehisir identity. Touché, Stone Cold. Touché. He decides to deal with Papa Luthor. Lex desperately offers to match the offer. Stone Cold hangs up. Lex closes his phone and starts to walk away. "Don't hurt who?" we hear. It's the booming, yet weak authority of one Bo Duke. Lex turns. Bo stalks him. "Were you just talking to those men up there?" Bo asks. Lex says he's doing what's in the best interests of Papa Luthor and MamaKent. Bo grabs Lex roughly. He tells Lex that if he finds out Lex had anything to do with this, "You will pray to God you never set foot in Smallville." Tough platitudes now. He's practically George W. Lex shakes off the shoulder-grab and walks away.

Hallway. Insignificant Guy is walking down the neon-lit blue hallway with a gun raised. He's peeking around corners. We hear a whoosh. Some papers on the wall rustle. IG looks around, and suddenly Clark is behind him and pushing him up against the wall. "Where's my mom?" Clark yells in a very fast, funny way. "Where is she?" Clark yells. He's choking the guy.

Papa Luthor making the deal. He says he'll wire the money to any account these guys choose. Stone Cold says they have a deal, but that he's hanging on to everything until he gets pizz-aid. He tells his cronies to pack up the stuff. Do they really still need a laundry cart? I guess it holds all their cool gadgets. Papa Luthor asks who was on the other end of the line. Stone Cold says that Papa Luthor probably knows better than he does. He tells Papa Luthor to think of who his enemies are. Stone Cold barks at MamaKent to help out and pick up the files for them. She starts to look at Clark's file, but Stone Cold roughly tells her to hurry it up. She does, nervously. She helps Papa Luthor up. He leans in and asks her where the octagonal disc went. She doesn't know. "Why is it so important?" she asks. They're interrupted.

Clark is at a power bracket in a wall. He pulls a big steel cord and sparks fly. In the hostage room, the lights go out. No backup generator? Some red lights go on. Tyra starts to freak out and says they have to go. She starts to run. Clark busts through the door and pushes her right into Stone Cold. They land roughly and Stone Cold's gun slides off on the floor. "Clark, get out of here now!" MamaKent yells. Oh yeah. Green stuff. The green bars start to pulsate and Clark gets weak in the knees. He collapses. Luthor, who is blind, looks over with interest. Clark groans on the floor. It's red light mixed with green. Commercials.

Stone Cold gets up and sees Clark writhing. "Are you alone?" he asks, roughly grabbing Clark's Members Only jacket. MamaKent tries to push the cart of green bricks away. Hey, nice tush. Stone Cold goes after her and as she closes the vault door, it catches his arm. He screams. She pushes him down. Go, MamaKent, go! She goes to Clark to help him up. Stone Cold is now holding Papa Luthor up and threatening to drill a hole in his head. That is a rather nasty-looking drill bit. Clark, now powerful again, zips over and disarms the guy of his Ryobi. He swings Stone Cold around, and suddenly there's a gunshot. Stone Cold grimaces. Papa Luthor is standing there holding the gun as Stone Cold falls out of frame. Yeah, Papa Luthor's blind? We all know he's not. And how did he shoot without considering that Clark might be in front of him too or that the exit wound would get someone else? Absurdly, MamaKent goes over to help Stone Cold. Without really checking much of anything, she's says he's dead. Papa Luthor puts the gun down on a desk. MamaKent whispers to Clark to burn the files on the tabletop. She tells him there's a Clark file. He does his Ejacu-U-Vision and the files go up in flames. MamaKent finds the disc in Stone Cold's pocket and puts it in her own. The police choose that moment to bust in. LadyCop sees Clark and shakes her head in slight exasperation. That wily kid! Please, please, PLEASE bring LadyCop back. She can actually act!

Street Level. Without any police escort or help, MamaKent, Clark, and Papa Luthor exit through the front door. MamaKent gives Bo, who is the only person past the barricade, a flying hug. There's a police perimeter with no reporters, but people with briefcases are just walking by like it's midday sidewalk congestion. Bo and MamaKent kiss. Where are the reporters again? Why isn't Chloe trying to cover this story? Love with Bo and MamaKent. They laugh exhaustedly.

Lex comes up to Clark and asks how he got inside. Shouldn't you be asking how he got to Metropolis so fast? Or did Clark ride in the helicopter, too? Papa Luthor interrupts and says that Clark is a resourceful boy: "What difference does it make how he did it?" Papa Luthor totally knows. Papa Luthor rubs Clark's shoulder creepily. "Dad," Lex says. He throws Papa Luthor's hand off Clark. That's right, you claim your property, Lex. He says he was doing everything he could to get them out of the hostage situation. "Oh, I'm sure you did a great deal," Papa Luthor says sarcastically. He says he's going to send someone to the mansion for his things. "I'll help them pack," Lex says. Word. Papa Luthor is aghast. He's led off by an assistant. Cool music starts to play as everything goes slow-motion. Lex looks over in a replay of the "Jitters" ending. MamaKent, Bo, and Clark are a happy family. Lex stands alone in his long coat as the camera pulls back. The music lyrics emphasize that, yes, Lex stands alone, yes he's not afraid of tomorrow, or whatever. Frankly, I liked it better when there were no words to the song, but what do I know? A Daily Planet vending machine sits a few yards away from Lex.

The music finishes. MamaKent is coming down the stairs at home, holding a sheet of paper. She hands it to Bo. She says it's a letter of resignation. She says she can't keep working for Papa Luthor. She says she can't believe she trusted him. Clark says that without the file, the police can't find anything about him. The police wouldn't have access to those files anyway, even as evidence, would they have? MamaKent supposes that she may have only been hired to provide more info about her son. "I'm sorry, Mom," Clark says. Whiner. Bo tells them to wait. He asks if quitting is the best thing to do. I feel a platitude coming on. He absurdly looks on the bright side: if this hadn't happened, they wouldn't know Papa Luthor was keeping tabs on Clark. He says they should take a page out of the Luthor playbook and keep their enemies closer. Bo's platitudes are going evil! Clark looks worried. MamaKent and Bo look positively tickles. So this is what being bad feels like. It's delicious.

Outside shot of the farm at night. Inside the basement, the ship sits uncovered. We zoom in on the oft-seen octagonal hole on its flank.

Not quite clean transition to the octagonal piece sitting on a kitchen countertop. MamaKent takes the piece, fingers it. Bo comes up behind her and asks if she's coming up. She says in a minute. She buries the piece in a huge green tin of flour. She places the tin under the kitchen sink. The novelty popcorn-sized tin reads, "FLOUR."

That's it. We end this pretty good episode on a tin of flour.

week: Who shot Papa Luthor? Was it Sue Ellen or Maggie Simpson?