Hey folks! How were your holidays? Do you remember me? If not, my name is Omar G and I'm the one who tells you if Smallville is Gay, Stupid, or Brilliant. Let's just say they're batting about .333 this season. I did miss the show, though. To fill the void, I watched a lot of So Graham Norton, but it wasn't sexual enough. I watched Designing for the Sexes, but it was too butch. And figure skating just didn't do it. I needed my HoYay! Little did I know the show would come back, drained of its rainbow colors. Oh, by the way -- in the promo when they said, "The first of seven new episodes," I actually felt a real goose walking over my grave. His name was Chester.
The first episode in about forever opens at night on the marquee outside The Talon, Smallville's best cappuccino house. Yes, it's the only one in town and the foam tastes like steamed ass. But we'll forgive them. Inside the Talon and under the sink, it's what fans of the homoeroticism in this show have been waiting for: some heavy-duty pipe action! Oh, wait. It actually is some heavy-duty pipe action. The pipe is leaking while jaunty strummy rock music plays. Lana, her hair pulled back, says that twenty-four-hour plumbing service is a myth and that she called every plumber in Smallville. That's one guy, Lana. And it's 4 AM. And he's also the mayor, the constable, the principal, the fire department, and the PTA. Clark, who is to Lana (in a white shirt, for once), says that by morning, Lana will need a snorkel. Um, Clark? Upper lip. Shhh. She's kind of sensitive about that. Clark says he'll try something and reaches out -- twisting the pipe, as it were. More water comes out. "Wrong way," Lana says, annoyingly. Clark moves it the other way and even more water comes out. Didn't Lex teach you anything, Clark? Clark and Lana are getting soaked about the face. I refrain from speaking here. Clark tells Lana to go get a wrench. He stares at the pipe as he continues getting wet. Wait, drain pipes aren't pressurized! Clark suddenly uses his Ejac-U-Vision and seals the leak. A little steam comes out. Clark makes a big yawn face and smoothes back his unruly Harry Potter hair. Lana comes in carrying a towel and asks Clark how he stopped the leak. He says he just kept twisting and turning. Uh huh. Lana makes Clark a one-man contestant in a private wet t-shirt contest. She gives him the uncertain eyes and I must say, "Nice torso." Clark notices her stare. Lana looks away and smiles. She says maybe one day she'll figure out how Clark Kent does the things he does. You know. That thing he does. Clark makes an eye motion for the towel. Lana's still kinda glisteny herself. Ah he dries up, Clark says that an orange cat that lives in Lana's old house (the one Nasty Nell vacated) comes up to the loft. Clark says he tries to talk to the cat, but that he's not half the conversationalist Lana is. Damn liar. Laughs. Lana says, "I have to admit. I do miss those sunsets." Those fake, cheesy, orange CGI sunsets. I miss them, too. Clark says the sky's not really the same when you see it alone. Profound, yet, huh? Lana breaks the sexual tension: "It's getting late." But not too late to drag some poor plumber out of bed, right? It's only late when your precious chastity belt is about to get unbuckled. Lana, still giggly, goes to put the wrench back where it belongs. Against her head, at high velocity. Clark smiles slyly to himself, all, "I am so in that."
Another room. Lana opens the drawer to put the wrench away and notices two photos of Jocko Whitney in cammies. She didn't notice the photo when she took the wrench out? Clark asks if she's heard from the military. Lana takes a picture out and says she's worried. Would it kill Jocko to smile at the camera? Don't they teach you that at boot camp? Lana says he's been missing for more than a month. She says they sent his personal effects back to his mom. Like his morphing effect and his personal tornado effect from "Vortex." Lana says Jocko's mom gave her the necklace back. Clark suddenly looks serious. Lana takes out the lead box and opens it, revealing the green jewelry inside. Necklace music. Clark winces and turns away. He asks if she's going to start wearing it again. Lana closes the box and says it doesn't feel right. It feels downright radioactive. Hey, I have a question. How come if in the comic books, Lex wore a kryptonite ring and his hand had to be chopped off, Lana wore a necklace and...Never mind. Let's move on. Lana says she hopes Jocko is safe. Clark says that if anyone can get through "It," it's Jocko. Whatever "It" is. We pan over to the photo in the drawer with a pair of scissors on it. "Cut from the show"? We get it.
Suddenly, we're in Saving Private Ryan/Three Kings-O-Vision. Everything is jerky high-speed shutter and khaki coloring. I like the break from the format or from them just telling us about this bit off-screen like they have a habit of doing. Jocko is in uniform and looks damn gritty. And that's a good thing. We cut back to show him with other soldiers in "Aceh Province, Indonesia." "Indonesia"? Ripped from the headlines, are we? Tromping through the grass. "This is pointless, Fordman: they think we're dead!" some whiny guy says. Jocko says they're going to make it back home. Somehow, some way, even if it involves being Doppelganged. Private Cannon Fodder asks if Jocko wants to get back to Lana, or Smallville, or horseback riding in the freakin' meadow, the implication being that Jocko talks a lot. Suddenly, a blast erupts behind them. They scramble and run. This is actually done quite nicely. A guy is hit and flies through the air. He flies better than Clark. There's an overhead shot of more blasting. Wading through water. Blasts. It's just Jocko and Cannon Fodder. They just have to make it to a ridge, and they'll be spotted by friendly forces. Another blast. Oops. Cannon Fodder bit it. Jocko falls in the water, loses his helmet, and rushes back to get his fallen comrade. He goes into the smoke and gets the guy. He pulls the guy up, all Hamburger Hill, and they stumble together. The guy is hit. Jocko tells him not to die. Slow motion. A shell lands right in front of them. Opening credits.
Kangaroo Jack. Do I even need to provide a punchline?
Smallville High. The banner outside reads, "Acadmic Excellence." Principal Asskick must be doing himself and taking names. Chloe, Clark, and Pete are leaving a class. Clark asks if they're not overreacting about something. Chloe says she's upset that they thought something about someone their whole life and it turned out to be a lie. In this case it's that Alexander Graham Bell "snaked" somebody else's invention. Really? I never heard about that. Man, I'm always the last to know about old dead dudes and their scandals. Chloe says she hasn't been this disillusioned since she found out Betsy Ross didn't design the American flag. Wait, what? She didn't!? Oh, man, I am so depressed right now. Chloe says that Betsy Ross was her role model. Lana, who couldn't possibly have heard the conversation, joins the group and says, "Betsy Ross was your role model?" Chloe says it was in the first grade. Is it just me or are they trying to make Lana smarter and Chloe dumber in every episode? Chloe says that, one by one, our heroes are being defrocked. I know exactly what she means. My hero used to be a frock designer until he got burglarized. They took every frock! Chloe and Pete walk off.
Clark and Lana are in the hall. He says there's a winter festival in Grandville that weekend. His mom has a produce booth. He says they can go and hang out. That sounds like the absolute worst date ever. Not surprisingly, Lana begs off. She says she has to take some extra shifts at The Talon. Clark says he knows she's worried, but that she should still try to have some fun. At the produce booth? Heh. There's an extra waking behind them who watches them. And there's a kid behind them who looks eleven years old. Lana changes her mind and agrees to go. Hooray for vegetables!
Surreal moment. A pair of Marine-uniform-clad legs walk down the hallway. Lana and Clark look over. The Canadian extras all part like the Red Leaf Sea. In slow motion, Jocko, wearing the fancy uniform, strides over. Clark is like, "Oh, FUCK!" Lana watches, slack-jawed. She drops her books and they hit the ground like cannon fire. Jocko in close-up. Nice ears. They walk toward each other as if in a dream. Or a bad script. Jocko takes off his hat. They hug deeply. The camera spins around them. People go back to walking. We pan over to Clark, who stands alone and forlorn. Awww.
An assortment of colorful flowers! It's the Kent Kitchen. Bo Duke -- whom I honestly have missed (my life has gone horribly astray without his gentle platitudes) -- says it's nice to have good news for a change. MamaKent says that Ma Jocko must be thrilled. "Yeah," Clark says, all nasty. Bo says he thinks Clark won't be the Grand Marshal at Jocko's homecoming parade. You know what? They got Regis to do it! Clark says he's glad Jocko's fine, and that he knows this is selfish (ya think?), but that things were getting good with Lana and now...he's back. MamaKent -- who follows the saga intently -- says she thought they broke up. So did Clark. Now Lana's throwing Jocko a party at The Talon. Opportunism! Bo is sure Clark's going. "I don't know if I can stomach seeing them together again," says Clark. You're not on a damned soap opera, Clark. Bo stands up suddenly. He says that Clark has to put his personal issues aside, and that Jocko fought for this country and deserves a hero's welcome. Dude, this is the guy who strung up your son in a cornfield. Just because you want to probe the guy's tight end with your wide receiver because of your football nostalgia lust doesn't mean you get to take it out on your (adopted alien) son. Clark blinks meaningfully.
Jocko Central. Jocko's mom has made a bunch of cookies and arranged them strangely on a plate as if they're bricks. She effuses that her son is back with the prettiest girl in school. Lana -- who is sitting at the table with Jocko -- shifts uncomfortably. They drink coffee everywhere on this show except at Jocko's, where they're having milk. Lana's like, "Where's the espresso to put in this?" Jocko says he bets Lana thought she'd never see him again. What a strange thing to say. Lana says she never gave up hope. Jocko -- who looks very red in this scene -- takes her hand and says that when he was lost, the thought of seeing Lana again was all that kept him going. How depressing. Lana stiffens her upper lip. Jocko moves in to kiss her, RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS MOM, and Lana understandably pulls back and gets out of her chair. Damn right. He asks what's wrong. Your MOM is what's wrong. Fool. Lana asks about the video letter she sent. "Video letter? What'd it say?" Jocko asks. Behind them is a photo of Jocko in his letterman jacket with Lana. As sad music plays, Lana walks past Jocko. Jocko says that when his platoon was ambushed, he was caught in an explosion. Some of his memory was wiped out and all he remembers now is what happened on Dallas before Patrick Duffy was taking a shower. Jocko says the one thing he does remember is how much he cares for her. And his mom's cookies. He wants things to be the way they used to be. They hug. Lana rolls her eyes around.
Stately Luthor Manor. Someone walks in, and Lex regards the person with cold eyes. Ooh, it's Dr. Glasses from two episodes back -- the cute physician with dropkicking issues. She's Dr. Contacts in this scene, by the way, and she's dressed up in a nice black dress and wholly unnecessary scarf. She says she's sorry she's late, but she had a patient go into cardiac arrest and telling the patient she had a date might have seemed insensitive. Hee. Lex regards her with a warm puddle of pissy hate. "Patient's fine now, thanks for asking," says Dr. Contacts when Lex is silent. She's got a lot of makeup on. "You told me you never met my father," Lex says, and shoves a folder at her. It's photos of her sitting with Blind Lemon Luthor. She asks who took them. Because, nice likeness. Lex says that a private investigator took them. "You had me followed?" Dr. Contacts asks. Nope. He was having Papa Luthor followed. "How long have you been working for him?" Lex asks. She says it only took her five days (um, way more than five days have passed since two episodes ago, by the way) to find out that Lex is delusional. Lex says money was wired to her account from LuthorCorp. "You checked my bank account?" she asks, angrily. Dropkick him! He says that when he found out she was talking to his dad, he did a complete background check. Not cool, dude. But I can see why he'd be worried. Remember Boobs McChesty? No, don't! Lex says her treating kids in Rwanda for two weeks a year must do wonders for her conscience. Ass. "Who are you?" asks Dr. Contacts. Lex says he's been burned by the opposite sex more times than he can count. What about the same sex? Lex gets up and circles his desk. He asks why a Harvard-educated woman with integrity would accept six figures to spy on a man she claims to have feelings for. She spits back that she doesn't recall claiming anything of the sort. Ooh, Lex, add that to your burn list. "Second of all," she says, she's not gonna put up with his paranoid BS. She says that if Lex thinks she will, he's even more arrogant than people say. I think she won this one. She leaves and slams the door.
Lana's bedroom at Chloe's house. Lana's looking through the closet as Chloe enters behind her. She smiles as she sees Jocko's letterman jacket hanging there. Chloe says that if a bathrobe passes for haute couture these days, she's guessing Lana, who is wearing a blue bathrobe, isn't ready for the party. Chloe playfully hops on the bed on her knees. Lana says she was at Jocko's, looking at old photos, trying to refresh his memory. Chloe asks how he is. "Surprisingly well," Lana says. Chloe asks if he ever mentioned Lana's "award-winning" Dear John video. Yep. Chloe's getting dumber. By Season Three, it's going to be like Flowers for Algernon. Lana says that Jocko doesn't remember it. "Well that's gotta be awkward," Chloe says. Come back, Chloe! Come back! Man...come back. Lana says she can't turn her back on Jocko and that he needs her. Chloe asks if Lana Lang might be falling for the man in uniform. Except he's no longer...sigh. Shut up, Chloe. Chloe says she's sensing this might not just be a Florence Nightingale thing. Lana says that things are happening fast, but that seeing him again made some old feelings come back. Hence the wardrobe crisis, Chloe says. Lana stands and says that with Jocko, what you see is what you get. No mystery, no deep dark secrets. How awful. Chloe says, "Unlike someone we know." Lana looks constipated by that idea.
Talon. Smallville's crack team of banner-makers got on the case and created the huge but uninspired "Welcome HOME." An American flag hangs to it. Do they have a lot of those in Vancouver? David Cross in a pink shirt walks across the party as the camera pans down and he passes Clark, who is just coming in. Guess what? The crap-rock is back. Clark looks over and sees Jocko talking to Pete, Chloe, and Lana. Pete asks if Jocko saw any tape-delayed Sharks games out in the field. Jocko says he's not that interested in football these days. Hmm, strange. Chloe says that she'd be interested in getting an exclusive interview for The Torch. Jocko says he really doesn't remember that much. And what he does remember, he'd rather not talk about. Two men. One foxhole. It gets awfully...lonely out there. Jocko gives Lana a hard, friendly stare and says that now that he's back, he'd like to focus on more important things in life. Lana's really been hitting the Smallville Tanning Salon, huh? Pete raises his eyebrows and walks off. Chloe says, "Great." Clark comes over and tells Jocko it's good to have him back. Jocko is grabbed by some letterman buddies and dragged away. After Jocko's gone, Lana starts to beg off of that exciting produce-booth trip, but before she can finish, Clark says he understands. Although how someone can just turn their back on organic carrots, he may never fully comprehend. Jocko comes up, puts a hand on Clark's shoulder, and asks what's going on that Saturday. "Nothing!" Lana says. Jocko looks at Clark angrily and says he figures they saw a lot of each other while he was gone. "No, not especially," Clark says. I had a girlfriend who said that all the time and it took me a year to figure out that she just never had a better response than that when she was trying to say, "No." Lana says that she and Clark are just friends. Wet, pipe-twisting friends. Jocko smiles cruelly and says he's going to get some punch. Lana looks confused.
Bathroom. Jocko stares into a mirror, splashes water onto his face, and asks himself how he could have been so stupid. He shakes. He grabs a bathroom-stall door and throws it. Clark walks in just then and sees the throw. "What's going on?" Clark asks. "What's going on with you and Lana?" Jocko asks, giving Clark the Evil Jocko Look of Death. "Nothing," Clark says. He says he kept his promise and just looked out for her. "Oh yeah, you're a real class act, Kent. I go off and fight for my country and you stab me in the back by trying to steal my girl," Jocko says. I can see right through his ears. They're orange! Clark says that's not what happened and asks how Jocko did that to the door. Jocko says he's a trained U.S. Marine. There are a lot of things he can do. You should see what he can do to a potato. "Stay away from Lana," Jocko warns, and exits, all red-faced again. Clark looks at the bent, damaged door.
Smallville High hallway. Clark comes up to Lana and says they need to talk. She asks if it's about what happened at The Talon. She says that Clark could have apologized over the phone. Lana says that Jocko found Clark tearing apart the bathroom in a jealous rage. Clark says it was Jocko who did the raging. It was all the rage. Lana says she was told Clark warned Jocko to stay away from her. Clark says Jocko is lying. "After everything he's been through, now you're calling him a liar?" Lana asks, "I can't believe you." God. She is so damn stupid.
A dark sedan pulls up to a driveway. It's the Jocko Home. A sharp-dressed military man approaches the house as an American flag waves. Upstairs, Jocko sees the uniformed guy approach. Downstairs, Ma Jocko answers the door. Lt. McNult introduces himself as the flag waves behind him. He asks to come in. She asks if he's here to see Jocko. He's confused. Jocko approaches, holding a wooden bat. He greets the soldier. "There must be some mistake," McNult says. Oh, there sure is. "According to my superiors, your son is actually...." he starts to say and then Jocko brains him with the bat, hard. Ma Jocko screams. Blood on Jocko's face. Man, this is brutal. The marine's hat falls. Ma Jocko screams some more. We cut to a photo of Jocko with the CuteDean hair on a table. The bat falls. More Ma screaming. Jocko turns to her and puts his hand on her mouth. This scene brought to you by someone with a violent imagination.
Commercials. Final Destination 2 is coming soon to theaters. So I guess the first Final Destination really wasn't, huh?
A set of stables. Lana (in her all-pink outfit) and Jocko walk in and Lana makes a beeline (horseline?) for a horse that I think is named Heisman. She feeds it carrots and hopes it's a first-round draft pick. Jocko stares at Lana and says this is what he misses the most -- when it's just the two of them. And a horse. He notices that Lana is wearing her meteor-rock necklace. Jocko is like a puppy dog in this scene. Jocko says he always pictured her wearing it. Lana says she wanted to know Jocko was safe before she wore it again. Jocko doesn't remember having the necklace. She says she gave it to him when he left for basic training. It was sent back to Jocko's mom when he was listed as missing. "Why can't I remember?" Jocko asks. Lana platitudes that he should be glad he's alive and with people who care about him. Jocko sighs. He says he's been thinking, which is always a bad sign. He says that now that Nasty Nell is gone, maybe they should live together. Couldn't he get arrested for that? Is Lana even legal? Lana moves her eyes around and makes a bunch of faces. She says they can't move in together. Jocko gets pissed. "This is about Clark, isn't it?" I think it's about statutory rape. Lana says they're just friends, and looks to the right. Jocko says that Clark has secrets. "What kind of secrets?" Lana asks, and looks to the right. Are her lines posted on the barn door, or what? Jocko looks in the same direction and says that Clark's not what he seems. Lana asks for a clarification, but Jocko suddenly says, "Can we not talk about Clark?" Um, you brought him up, fool. Lana scoffs, and Jocko apologizes for the whole moving in/stealing her youth thing. He says he just wants to be with her all the time. Scarily. Lana says it's fine, but she seems pretty freaked out. The horse has no idea what to make of this, but he wishes this episode were more Lex-centric.
Stately Luthor Manor. The red pool table. Lex bends down into the shot to aim. He says there's no way of knowing what kind of inside information "she" gave up about his company. Lex's shirt nearly matches the table felt. Lex sinks the cue ball, totally missing the purple 12. Symbolism? I'm too tired to wonder. Clark fishes in the hole for Lex's ball and sets up his own shot. He's wearing a bright blue shirt. He says that everything Lex has told him about Dr. Glasses, in all the episodes we never saw, would lead him to believe she's not the espionage type. Clark shoots weakly. Lex says that, one day, Clark'll learn the "frustrating truth" that people are rarely who they appear to be. It's even worse if they've been Body-Snatched. Clark asks if Dr. Glasses gave an explanation. Lex says they didn't get that far. Lex says she got mad about being investigated, and stormed off. Clark slyly says that if he were being investigated, he'd be a little ticked off, too. Lex gives that moment a beat, but moves on. He says that the most pathetic thing about it is that he actually pictured a future with this woman. Lex lays down his mighty stick and goes for a drink. Clark holds his own cue and tosses a ball in the air. He says that the thing with Dr. Glasses may not be what it looks like. Lex says he wishes he were an optimist like Clark. Clark says he hasn't been very optimistic lately. Oh, poor you. It's not like you have a kryptonite freak to deal with this week. I mean, not yet. Lex asks if Clark is back on his own one-yard line with Lana. Clark gives Lex a sly little smile. Lex tells him to be patient; he says that most quarterback careers don't last that long. Say what? Clark says there's something else: Since Jocko has been back, he's been acting bizarre, like he's someone else. Clark carries both pool sticks at the same time, but Lex isn't even visibly aroused. Sigh. I miss the good old days. Lex says that Jocko may have post-traumatic stress. Lex says that some of his employees got that after the "Tempest" tornadoes. Lex sent them to a specialist in Metropolis, where all medical specialists on this show live. Lex says he could get Jocko an appointment. Clark thanks him. I wish he were thanking Lex for hot HoYay!. What happened to this show?
Abrupt scene change. Somebody slams down a book, and we see poor, poor Ma Jocko tied to a chair, crying. "What happened to you?" she moans. "Answer the question!" PsychoJocko yells back. He lunges at her as she squirms in her chair. "What is my favorite radio station?" he screams. She whines that she doesn't know. Just tell him it's a Clear Channel station. It's gotta be. In full scenery-chewing mode, Jocko says that when he's riding with Lana in his fifteenth truck, the radio has to be on the right station. God forbid they should miss a Godsmack or Puddle of Mud song. Ma Jocko finally spits, "It's the one that plays the loud rock." Ah, yes. Well played. She says there's a sticker on one of his old school books. She starts pleading. It's very sad and disturbing, but not like, "Hey, this is cool and disturbing," like Blue Velvet. More like, "This is just sad and disturbing," like Michael Jackson and the baby dangling.
The doorbell rings. Jocko sneers mightily and goes to answer it. But first, he duct-tapes Ma Jocko's mouth. I sure hope this poor actress got paid a lot of money. And that she took a nice vacation to Cabo or Jamaica. And that she had a nice rum drink while she was there with a pink umbrella and that a guy named Umberto gave her an island massage and that she got to do some nice shopping and come back with some pretty souvenirs that she was able to give to all of her very close friends, who "ooh"ed and "ahh"ed when she threw a little dinner party after she got home to tell them about her little adventures. And I hope that when she told them what kind of scene she had to shoot on that Superman show, they all laughed and went, "My goodness! I hope they paid you well!" and that she just laughed ruefully and said that it paid for her little trip to Cabo and then she recounts how the women there went topless right on the beach! and how it was all very lovely and that they should all go year. I hope she got paid at least that much.
Outside the door, it's windy. Clark is waiting with his back to the door, wearing the always unfashionable blue shirt/red jacket combo. Jocko closes the door behind him and says, "What do you want now, Kent?" As foreboding music plays, Clark says that they've had their differences, but before Jocko left, he thought they had "an understanding." The "don't ask/don't tell" understanding, or a different one? Clark says he's worried. "Worried about what?" Jocko says. Clark mentions Lex's post-traumatic stress doctor, but Jocko heads him off at the pass. He says that if this is Clark's way of breaking up him and Lana, it's not gonna work. Jocko says that Clark's always had a thing for Lana, and that it's one of Clark's many secrets. Clark looks down and says this has nothing to do with Lana. That's why you care so much about taking care of her boyfriend, right? Yes, folks, Superman is hella selfish. Clark says that Jocko needs help. "What I need," Jocko says menacingly, and pointing a finger, "is for you to stay out of my life." He pushes Clark with one hand and sends him flying down the porch. Jocko twitches his nose, and I notice a faint but reasonable resemblance to Elizabeth Montgomery of Bewitched. Clark moves his eyebrows around to activate his x-ray vision. Inside the house, he sees Jocko's skeleton, but what's this? He's got a skunk-tail-like green stripe running down his body. Now where have I seen that stripe before...? Hmmm...Don't tell me. Well, it's not for me to know, I guess.
Inside the house, Jocko walks back to Ma Jocko. She's still cowering. He squints and then suddenly morphs into Shapeshifta' Girl, from way back in "X-Ray." Hey, welcome back Shapeshifta'! As Ma Jocko yelps, Shapeshifta' says simply, "Shut up!" And it's a brilliant line reading.
The offices of The Torch. We cut to an iMac screen of a front-page Torch layout. It says, "Smallville's Favorite Son Returns." It shows Jocko in uniform against a flag background with a picture of a flag to it. Jingoism much, Chloe? The real Chloe would never stand for this. Clark walks in on Pete and Chloe at work. Clark says this may sound crazy (when has that ever stopped him?), but Jocko may not be Jocko. Chloe asks if he's getting existential or if this is Wall of Weird material. And where is the Wall of Weird these days? Clark says he thinks Jocko is Shapeshifta' Girl. "The Mighty Morphin' Power Girl?" Chloe asks. Clever, yes, but also about a reference about six years past its prime. Clark says she was the girl who was "Lex, then Lana, then locked up." Nice summation. Pete says it's impossible. Clark says she was obsessed with Lana, which puts her in the majority of Smallville's population. Chloe says there's no way Shapeshifta' could have pulled of a "Martin Guerre." I had to look this one up: he was some sixteenth-century French dude who took someone else's identity on the battlefield. It was made into a musical and a Gerard Depardieu movie, which is about all you need to know about that. Chloe says that Shapeshifta' committed suicide the week before. She was going to run a story about it on page two. Chloe says she went to the art therapy room of her psychiatric ward, doused herself in paint thinner, and lit a match. They give Psych patients matches and paint thinner? "Now that's nasty," Pete says. Thanks Pete, for weighing in on that. Chloe says Shapeshifta' wrote that she didn't know who she was anymore and couldn't take it. Zoom in on Clark. He asks if they IDed her dental records.
Pete and Clark are in the school hallway. Clark looks around before proceeding, then tells Pete that Shapeshifta' Girl might know about his abilities. Clark says he had to use them to stop her, and that when she was declared insane, he thought he wouldn't have to worry. Clark likes it better when the villains just die outright. Pete asks if she knows about the meteor rocks. Clark says that Shapeshifta' had used Lana's necklace against him. "You better be careful, man," Pete says. Again, thanks for that insight. "I'm gonna go find [Shapeshifta']. You warn Lana." Lana suddenly pops out of a door. Does she just wait around for stray conversations to wander by? "Warn me about what?" she asks. Clark and Pete both look back to see if anyone's around. Clark says this may be hard for her to understand -- like the concepts of discretion and non-coffee-based drinks are hard for her to understand -- but Jocko is actually Shapeshifta' Girl. "Why would you say that?" she asks incredulously. Clark says she just has to believe him. Lana says it's insane. Clark says it's crazy, but true. He leaves Lana with Pete. Lana gives a Look of Death and walks the other way. She says she needs some time alone. Pete says he understands, but "that freak is dangerous." "I know," Lana says. She turns around and delightedly gives Pete a roundhouse kick to the face, and then another kick to the chest, sending him flying. She picks him up by the clothes while he emotes not at all. Psycho Lana throws Pete against the far wall, and he slams his head into a locker. By the end of the season, Pete's gonna be totally brain-dead. "Pete, I think she knows about my secret!" Clark will say. "Secret?" Pete will ask, "I like oatmeal." Pete is lying in a bloody heap. Shapeshifta' Lana walks over and says, "Who're you callin' a freak?" I like Lana much better this way.
House of Jocko. Clark rings the doorbell. Nobody answers. He pokes some magic button that somehow breaks the door lock without damaging the door. Clark walks in and hears yelping while he calls out for Ma Jocko. Clark finds her and pulls the duct tape off her mouth. Ooooouuuuch! He asks if she's all right. Um, no? Clark asks where Jocko is. She doesn't know, but she says wherever he is, it's not her son. She says it's a girl, some kind of monster. Clark helps her up. Cabo, lady. Look into it.
Talon. Jocko rushes in and grabs Lana. "We have to talk," he says. Lana -- who looks like she's in the middle of nothing -- asks if it can wait. Jocko pushes her to a table and sits her down. He pulls out a box and opens it. It's an engagement ring. Lana doesn't look happy at all. Jocko asks Lana to marry him. He says he understands why she didn't want to move into together. She'd be illegal. He says they can elope and get out of Smallville. Lana says this is crazy, and that they're still in high school. Jocko says that his mom got married to his dad when she was sixteen. And look how that all turned out. Lana squints and moves her head around a lot and finally says she's sorry. Jocko is crestfallen. Lana says she can't accept it and ducks away, leaving Jocko behind to be pissed off. He follows Lana, who tells him that there were things in the video letter she can't keep from him anymore. Like how she wanted to break up. Lana says he didn't have his memory and she didn't want to hurt him. She says she'll always care about him. "But you care more about Clark," he says. Lana turns to the right again for approval and says this has nothing to do with Clark. "Don't. LIE TO ME!" he says. Lana looks around again. He demands that she to tell him she doesn't have feelings for Clark. Lana is lost. She turns and says she has to get back to work. Jocko says it's fine. He says that combat taught him how to deal with loss and move on. Lana's nose is red. Jocko asks her for one thing: her green necklace. He wants it to remember her by. The hell? Lana agrees that it means a lot to her, but that's why she wants him to have it. She takes it off and gives it to him. Smiles all around.
The Barnness of Moonlightitude. Clark walks in on Bo fixing some farm equipment. Bo asks how Ma Jocko is doing. Clark says she's fine, but pretty freaked out. "Who could blame her, right?" Bo says. He asks if Clark has any idea where Shapeshifta' Girl is now. "She could be anyone," Clark says. Bo takes out Lana's necklace and says, "You're right about that!" No! Evil Bo! He leaps at Clark with the necklace. Suspense! Commercials!
A door opens and Clark is thrown down the stairs of the creepy basement that houses his sweet ride spaceship. Clark has the necklace around his neck. Shapeshifta' Girl comes down the stairs and says she always wondered how Clark would beat her. She says he should be dead, but he's not; therefore, the meteor shower must have done something to him as well. Clark groans. "Looks painful," Shapeshifta' says. She grabs some rope and ties up Clark. Clark tells her not to do this, but she says that if she wants to be with Lana, she doesn't have a choice. Ohh. It's a lesbian thing. That's cool, that's cool. I'm down. Clark reminds Shapeshifta' that she tried to kill Lana last year. Shapeshifta' says it was the worst mistake of her life. I thought that was turning into Bo and forgetting to get a few platitudes off. Shapeshifta' says she acted hastily when Lana rejected her. "But I love her," she says moonily, "and I'll do anything to be with her." Psycho lesbian stereotype, much? As Shapeshifta' Girl passes a column, she says she figured out who Lana wants to be with. She turns into Clark. The Real Slim Clarky moans, "No! Stay away from her!" Shapeshifta' Clark says that Clark has good parents, great friends, and "the girl of our dreams." Shapeshifta' Girl says that Lana is waiting for him to make a move. Shapeshifta' Clark leaves and the real Clark yells, "No!"
Lex at The Talon. He comes up behind Dr. Glasses (who is not wearing her eponymous glasses right now), and says he's not used to people ignoring his calls. Dr. Glasses sighs, takes her silver coffee carrier, and says she has to go to work. Lex says he wants an explanation. Dr. Glasses says that Papa Luthor did approach her and offer her money, but not to spy. Papa just wanted her to break up with Lex. After she told him to go to hell, he wired the money to her account anyway. So, she says, Papa Luthor succeeded in breaking them up. Lex doesn't quite believe it and wants to know why his dad would do that. Dr. Glasses says she can't begin to imagine why. Lex says she should have told him. She says she was about to, but he started interrogating her before she could. Lex stops her before she leaves. She says she's glad this happened, and that it showed her whom she was dealing with. Blah blah, Nobel Prize for stupidity, she says she fell for someone who didn't really exist. But who was, nevertheless, very sexy. Lex stares after her as she leaves. Aw, sad Lex.
Clark still struggling in the basement. The necklace is giving off quite a lot of green light. It pulsates around his neck. In the background, the covered ship starts to light up. Clark turns over and looks at it. It's like a car commercial. The ship glows under the tarp with ethereal light. It glows and glows and glows until it finally flashes and fills the screen with white light. Clark shakes his head into the glare. The necklace's green rock suddenly goes clear. It's been de-Kryptonited. The ship finally takes things down a notch and stops glowing quite so much. Clark is still short of breath, and the ship is spent. Did the ship just have sex?
Lana's room at Chloe's house. There's a picture of Lana and Nell on the dresser. Shapeshifta' Girl, in her own form, takes a piece of pink lingerie out of the top dresser drawer and smells it. It smells...pink. She looks in the mirror and smiles. The door opens behind her and when Lana enters, drying her hair with a towel, it's Shapeshifta' Chloe standing there. Shapeshifta' Chloe stammers and says she hopes Lana doesn't mind, but she's sock-deprived. She's holding some nasty pink socks. She says her clothes are stuck on spin. Lana tells her to go ahead. Lana, wrapped in a blue towel, says she has to go to The Talon. Shapeshifta' Chloe says she ran into Jocko and he told her what happened. Lana asks how he's doing. Chloe, looking shifty, walks toward her and says Jocko is sad, but he knows she'll be happy with Clark. Lana -- who has way too much makeup on to have just gotten out of the shower -- says that this has nothing to do with Clark. "Come on, Lana. It's obvious you two belong together," Shapeshifta' Chloe says snarkily. Lana says that now Chloe's acting strange. Chloe sneers and scoffs and asks, "Why?" Lana says that, given Chloe's past history with Clark, she's surprised Chloe would want to play matchmaker. Chloe looks Lana up and down lustily. Oh yeah. It's the Gayest Look of the Episode. Now that Birds of Prey is gone, we really needed some more lesbian action on The WB. Chloe moves forward and says it's not easy, but that she doesn't want to stay in the way of what's meant to be. She touches Lana on the shoulder. Lana jumps. "Sorry," Shapeshifta' Chloe says, smiling. I am not opposed to this development.
Basement. Bo, waving a flashlight, heads down and yells back behind him, "He's down here!" Bo helps Clark up. He asks what happened. "The ship saved me," Clark says. Bo asks how that happened. Clark doesn't know, but he shows what it did to the necklace. Bo ineffectually shines the tiny flashlight on it. "My God," Clark says. "I have to save Lana." Again? Save her from lesbianism? Bo looks back at the ship, which is smoking in silence.
Talon. Lana is cleaning up dishes. She goes to the counter, and when she turns around, Clark (or rather Shapeshifta' Clark), is right there, in a brown jacket and blue shirt. Lana jumps. "Sorry, did I scare you?" Shapeshifta' Clark asks. Lana says no, she just wasn't expecting to see anyone this late. Again, when does the girl sleep or actually do any schoolwork? S.S. Clark stops her and says there's something he's been meaning to tell her. He says that when he saw Lana with Jocko, he realized that if he didn't act on his feelings, he might lose her forever. "Act on," "forever." Ain't high-school love grand? Lana disregards Shapeshifta's gravity and asks if somebody put something in the Smallville water today, because everyone's acting really strange. Tell me again why Shapeshifta' is so fixated on Lana? Shapeshifta' Clark says he's acting the way he should have acted when he first met her. "Lana, I love you," Shapeshifta' says, and kisses Lana. And not just any kiss. There's some tongue action, some lip-mashing, reverse angles. And please bear in mind, this is a lesbian kiss. Oh yeah. Lana finally puts up her hands and stops the kiss. It all looks a little fake and CGI and then I understand why: The Real Slim Clarky walks in just then with his lame red coat. Yep, only the real Clark would wear that out in public, lookin' all Members Only. Lana looks at Shapeshifta' Clark and to Real Clark to see that, yes, there are two of them. We go to commercials.
Julia Stiles and Selma Blair are in a movie together with Jason Lee. Those are two other women whose appeal completely and totally escapes me.
"Get away from her!" Lame Jacket Clark yells. Shapeshifta' Clark says it's nothing, and that he'll explain everything once he gets Lana away from "Tina." "Tina?" Lana asks. From very far away, Lame Jacket Clark says, "No, Lana, that's Tina." What is this, a Bugs Bunny cartoon now? Duck Season! Wabbit Season! They both call each other liars. Real Clark finally says, "The guy who fixed the leaky drain pipe!" So it was a drain pipe! Busted! Lana starts to struggle with Shapeshifta' Clark and the Shapeshifta' whines, "No, we're supposed to be together!" I have it freezed on Lana pulling away and she looks positively witchy. Lana tells Shapeshifta' to let her go. Shapeshifta' growls, "No!" and bats Lana across the face, sending her against the wall head first. Season Four of Smallville: The Brain-Damaged Years. Real Clark zips over and grabs Shapeshifta'. They struggle. "You ruin everything!" Shapeshifta' cries. No, you're thinking of the writers. Clark and Shapeshifta' fall through a door and out into a misty alley. They throw each other about as conquering music plays. Circling. "I'm gonna kick your ass, Kent!" Oh my. "Bring it on," Real Clark says. He did not! Oh goodness. They go at each other like bulls. There even appears to be mist coming out of Real Clark's nose. Shapeshifta' Clark charges. He/She hits Real Clark in the stomach. They fall back. Much shaking up of background objects. Wouldn't they be going through walls and shaking up the Earth? Shapeshifta' Clark pulls a pipe out and whacks Real Clark about the upper body, sending Real Clark flying into a flower shop. (Nell's flower shop? Did she sell it after all?) Real Clark crashes through glass. Shapeshifta' comes after Real Clark with the pipe. Real Clark kicks and sends Shapeshifta' through another set of windows. Real Clark walks outside and tells Shapeshifta' that this is enough, and that Shapeshifta' can stop. Shapeshifta' lifts up some big bulky contraption from the back of a truck and yells, "Why don't you just DIE!?" Ha! Shapeshifta' lifts the object overhead and goes after Real Clark, but, hey, what's that sharp pole-shaped object sticking out! Oh, it's grim death! Real Clark super-dodges, and Shapeshifta' rams stomach-first into the metal pole sticking out from the flower shop wreckage. Shapeshifta' is impaled at an improbable angle. He/She gurgles. Shapeshifta' Clark morphs into Shapeshifta' Girl, and she's, like, twice as large. Or maybe that's just a trick of perspective. "Take care of Lana," she manages. She dies as we hear her insides crunch. Between this and the slice and dice on 24 last week, this is been a pretty violent month for Tuesday-night television. Clark seems nonplussed by all this death.
Kent Farm. Where the cows and the women are both full at the bosom. MamaKent is watering a plant as Clark and Bo walk in. They're sad. She asks how Ma Jocko is doing. Bo says, with a tear in his voice, that the officer Shapeshifta' Girl killed was coming to tell Ma Jocko that they found Jocko's body. He says that Jocko died in combat. "Ooooh, my God," MamaKent moans. War. What is it good for? I'll say what I said in the recaplet: time Eric Johnson signs a five-year contract to be on a TV show, he shouldn't let the producers pencil "In Dog Years" in the margin. MamaKent and Bo hug. MamaKent goes to Clark and asks if he's seen Lana. Chloe told him she's not ready to see anyone yet. MamaKent asks if Clark is all right. Clark follows with the soliloquy on our brave soldiers: They're not bulletproof, they don't have unbreakable bones, but they still put themselves in harm's way to defend our nation. ["Sure, but Clark is an Army of One! Literally!" -- Wing Chun] Clark says that if he didn't have his abilities, he wonders if he'd be that courageous. Um, no. I think you'd just be a wuss. Bo disagrees. He goes over to Clark -- who is staring out the window -- puts a hand on his shoulder and says, "Son, there is no doubt, in our minds, that you would." They have a moment while we pan back from the window.
What, there's more? Lex is at the hospital. He's watching Dr. Glasses talk to some other lady in the hall. This place is so badly lit. Dr. Glasses turns from the conversation and sees Lex. Lex says what he did was inexcusable, and that he should have trusted her. She says it's too late. Lex launches into one of his sob stories about how he was raised to mistrust and how daddy warped him. Dr. Glasses is sorry Lex grew up that way, but still. Lex goes on, not even hearing her. He says that when his mom died, he built a wall around his heart. That wall grew taller and more fortified. Soon, he found himself in court defending himself against a giant anus judge and running like hell until he was comfortably numb. And then he built a fortress around her heart, encircled her in trenches and barbed wire. No, wait, it wasn't Roger Waters or Sting at all. These are Lex's totally original and compelling ideas and thoughts. I'm sorry I interrupted. Lex says that his heart became impenetrable, but that he wants to tear down the wall and has no idea how to do it. He wants to know what love is. He wants you to show him. Let's talk about love. Dr. Glasses sighs, turns, and suddenly looks a little drugged up. "Lex," she says. Lex says he's never asked anyone for help, but that he's asking for it now. Help him if you can, he's going down. And he does appreciate you being round. "I don't want to become my father," Lex says. Dr. Glasses slowly takes his hand and leads him down the hall. It's sweet even despite all the clichés. They go down the hall together as a very sad song by Michael Andrews featuring Gary Jules from Donnie Darko soundtrack begins to play. It has the same melody as the start of "Gone Away" by The Offspring.
The song continues into the scene. Clark is in the cave he discovered with Wolf Girl (and I'm very glad they didn't completely forget that storyline). Clark holds up the now-crystal necklace and shines a flashlight up to the spiral cave drawing. He stashes the necklace when he hears someone approach. It's Lana. "I called your house. Your mom said you were down here," she says, shakily. "I am so sorry," Clark says. Lana is crying. She shakes her head and cry-smiles. "I never should have sent that video," she says. Clark tells her not to do that to herself. He approaches. She says that Jocko was missing in action, fighting for his life, thinking she wasn't there and that she didn't care. "It's not your fault," Clark says. Lana comes to Clark. She walks right past him. She says that every person she's ever gotten close to has left -- her parents, Nell, Jocko. Um, Nell asked you to come along to Metropolis and you abandoned her. Lana sniffs. "I know I haven't been a good friend," she says. You think? Clark lies that she's been a great friend. Lana says she's doubted Clark and accused him of things, and that still he's there, protecting her. "I don't care if you have secrets, Clark," she says. I get emotional here in spite of myself. "You're the one. Good. Constant thing in my life and I don't want to lose you, too." For the record, Lana is emoting the crap out of this scene. And it's good, even if you have to wonder how these two people made the death of three others -- one of them a soldier who died overseas -- totally about themselves and their friendship. I guess Clark and Lana must be aliens from the sun, because the world sure does seem to revolve around them. Clark hugs Lana. She cries on his shoulder. "I'm not going anywhere," Clark says. Lana cries some more. Clark looks off to the wall. Nice overhead shot of the cave. Clark's flashlight shines up to the ceiling.