Boy Story

S02E08

By Omar G

Remember that kid from "Stray"? He's back. And in the preview he says, "I'm dying, Clark." Well, we can hope, can't we?

We open on said psychic kid. We pan down on him from above, and see all kinds of diodes and wires hooked up to his tow head. He appears to be in some sort of lab with blue lighting. Somebody off-camera asks, "Okay, Ryan, what am I looking at?" A bunch of blue lighting gels? Little Luka Lost -- who is shirtless and pasty -- says, "A dog." A shadowy figure asks what kind of dog, and what color. It's a brown lab. The intense lab guy is looking at an image on a computer screen of a brown lab that Luka can't see. The guy pulls up another image and Luka guesses it correctly. A pine tree. We see an image of Luka's brain, and then suddenly he puts a hand to his temple in pain. The lab guy calls Luka's name. Without opening his eyes, Luka says, "Father, mother, and son." He's correct again. The doctor (or whoever he is) asks if Luka's having another pressure headache. Does he need Advil? Luka nods. Evil Doc says they should push on. Luka says he doesn't want to answer any more questions. The Doc says there's just a few left. "Full moon," Luka says, answering the image question. Butterfly. Train. Luka moans suddenly and jerks his head. Creepy music plays as Luka's nose starts to bleed. Evil Doc just stares at Luka. He's got some Peter Gallagher eyebrows going. Luka wipes his nose and looks back at the Evil Doc. Luka tells the Doc, in his creepy psychic matter-of-fact voice, that Evil Doc's afraid he isn't going to get all his research done. "Get the coagulant," Evil Doc says to some lackey off in the side. The lackey goes up some stairs to fetch it. When the guy is gone, Luka asks what Oxycontin is. Doc says it's a powerful narcotic. Luka tells the Doc that his assistant is stealing it. "I knew it," Evil Doc says and goes to pursue his wayward lackey.

Wayward lackey. All he was getting was some damn coagulant! Just like the doctor asked! Poor him! Evil Doc got fooled by a scrawny kid. "Son of a bitch!" he yells, and starts running down the ill-lit hallway. He re-enters the torture lab, calling for Luka, but Luka's gone, man. time, screw the coagulant. Let the boy bleed.

Luka is crawling through the ventilation ducts without any tools or a means of getting way up there. So he's MacGyver now? He opens a grate into another room and climbs down. He finds a phone and dials. Hope he pushed 9 to get out. Banging on the door as Luka calls. We cut to the Kent kitchen. MamaKent is working on a laptop as the phone rings. She asks Clark to get it. He looks comatose for a second, just standing there. It's Luka! And he needs help! "Is that you?" Clark asks. Clark asks where he is. Luka, near tears, says it's a hospital called Summerholt Clinic. The fuzz busts in and starts to grab the phone. Luka yells that they're experimenting on him. "What?" Clark asks. How much more clear could Luka have been? MamaKent comes over, concerned. Much struggling back at the lab phone. Luka struggles as they point a needle at him. The needle goes way, way, WAY deep into his skull toward his brain. Yikes, man. Luka falls asleep and then we abruptly break into the opening credits.

So last week, we had Clark as a child, and then there's a Pampers commercial about a kid with a cape. Coincidence?

Kent Farm. Clark's gone back to his first-season mopey mode. MamaKent says she tried to get a hold of Luka's aunt, but her phone's been disconnected and there's no new number for her in Edge City. What about in Perpendicular Province? Cattycorner Town? Bo Duke, fondling a pair of work gloves, asks about the hospital Luka mentioned. Clark -- who must have been using a cell phone or something -- says that there's no Summerholt in Edge City, either. Bo asks when Clark last heard from the wee girly boy. Clark says that Luka sent an email a few weeks before about starting school and seemed "really psyched." Well, there's the lie right there. Bo says he's going to call the police. Clark tells MamaKent he's never heard Luka so scared. You knew him, what, three days? What was he most scared of? Your jump shot?

Smallville High. Pete and Clark are walking down the hall as Clark wonders if there might have been a warning sign to what happened to Luka. You know, all the things you're supposed to notice when someone's about to be kidnapped and experimented on for their psychic powers. Pete -- wearing a green long-sleeved shirt (he's Clark's kryptonite-buddy!) -- sighs and says he knows Luka meant a lot to Clark. Jealous? Pete says Clark should cut himself some slack. And a nice slice of that holiday beef log they sell at the mall. As they walk into the offices of The Torch, Chloe comes up wearing a big-ass medallion and asks if they remember cute Heinrich from the phone company. "You mean the Hungarian one with the toy scooter?" Pete says, revving his hand and saying the last word in a very funny way. Chloe takes offense and corrects Pete: he's Austrian and it's a Vespa. How come all the kooky town characters are always offscreen or infected by kryptonite? Chloe says her Austrian friend was able to trace back Luka's call to a Summerholt Neurological Institute, but it's not in Edge City. It's in Metropolis. "Well, that explains why we couldn't find it," Clark says. Um. Yeah. Chloe says that the SNI is strictly research; they don't take patients. Chloe asks why Luka would be in lockdown at a place that does esoteric brain research. That girl is way too smart for these clods. She's Hermione, and Clark needs a broomstick.

Polished mahogany. It must be the Lair of Lex. Lex walks down the house all smooth and worked up, with a clean white towel around his neck. "Mr. Mayor!" Lex calls out. "Thank you for seeing me on such short notice." It's Cigarette Smoking Man from The X-Files! Cancer Man shakes Lex's hand and asks how he can help his bald constituent. There's some framed comic books in the background we haven't seen before as Lex grabs a blu botol of water. Lex tells Cancer Man that his plant is doing an expansion, and they're waiting on some zoning permits. Cancer Man -- who is a lot more jovial here than in his last gig -- chuckles and says that that's how thing are with regulations and environmentalists. Just asks Lana's biological dad. "There's no such thing as a rubber stamp," Cancer Man says as they try to make him look all sinister with some major shadows cutting across his face. Jeez, get some lights in here. Lex says that if the project collapses, it'll cost the town lots of jobs. Cancer Man changes tracks. He says he's been friends with Papa Luthor since the magnificent bastard bought the old creamed corn plant. There's a good David Lynch joke in there somewhere, and I wish Djb were here to tell me what it is. The mayor does one of those things old robust men do where they take a big intake of breath while saying something sneaky. He says that Lex's dad was a big (breath) supporter. Lex, gripping his bottle, says he didn't know his dad was political. Cancer Man dances around that in his sneaky small-town way. "You want a bribe?" Lex finally asks. Cancer Man smiles. His ears go up and down. "I never said thaaaaat," he purrs. He says now that Lex is running his dad's plant, he should know how the town runs. Man, this guy is pretty craggy. Lex takes a few steps forward, as dramatic music plays, and says it's not his dad's plant anymore, and that he has his own way of doing business. First: houseboys. Lots of them. Cancer Man says he's up for re-election soon for his fourth term. He says this could be the start of a long-term relationship that could have "beneficial consequences" for the both of them. He takes a card from his inside pocket and hands it to Lex, saying, "Call this man. He'll explain how things work." Cancer Man starts walking out, but stops long enough to say, "Oh, and, uh, imagine how much you'll lose if construction shuts down." Lex grimaces. He totally needs to call David Duchovny. Not because of Cancer Man. Just cuz.

Lana in the country, riding her horse in her strange, fur-lined pink parka. It's one of the rare cases where if Joan Rivers viciously attacked someone's fashion sense, I'd have to agree with her. Lana says "Hey!" to someone visiting her. It's Nasty Nell, wearing red, and having pulled up in a blue car. Do with that information what you will. Lana says she took the long way around Crater Lake. Nell warbles about when Lana was younger and rode at the Metropolis Equestrian Club and said she wished she belonged to club like that. "Yah! They've gut fantastic facilities," Lana says. Look, I'm not one to pick apart a Canadian accent, but ever since I started reading about that in the forums, it's really hard not to notice it. Nell asks what Lana would say if Nell told her she could ride there every weekend and after school. Lana says it'd be a long drive. Nell drops the bomb: She knows this is sudden (like four episodes sudden), but her new fiancée wants Nell and Lana to move with him to Metropolis for a job he's taking. "And you said yes?" Lana whispers. Nell says it'll be great for all of them. Plus, there's a great speech therapist near the equestrian facility! Lana says she can't believe Nell agreed to do this without asking her. She says it like Nell is shipping her off to military school instead of taking her out of a town full of stalkers and mutants. Nell starts to explain but Lana takes the big picture in about everyone's happiness besides her own and concludes, "What about school and my FRIENDS?" Plus The Talon, she adds. Nell says Lana can visit Smallville any time she wants. She doesn't really say anything about The Talon. Lana looks over to the director at the left to make sure she doesn't have a line here. More stunned silence. And...scene!

MamaKent comes out of the front door of the Kent house looking annoyed. She says that the Summerholt Institute has more bureaucracy than the IRS. And she's a farmer; she should know. Clark says he wants to go check it out. Bo Duke says the police already checked it out and Luka wasn't there. Clark says the boy is like a little brother to him and he'd never forgive himself if something happened. Something like...cancer? Whups, sorry, too soon, too soon. Bo says Clark can't just go and rip the doors off the place. What about x-ray vision? Clark, pensive. The emotion that fits him like a superhero costume.

Lab Rat Central. Luka is in a bed and there are two vertical neon bars on either side of him that could double as lightsabers. This is like the inside of a computer I wanted to buy recently. A machine showing some vitals beeps and boops to him.

Clark is in the same building, it seems, talking to a receptionist. As he speaks, two people in lab coats walk over what looks like a Twister mat in the lobby. This research lab looks like an expensive bar. The receptionist says they don't have a Luka. He asks her to check again. She says she's going to call Security if Clark doesn't leave. "I'm not leaving. I want to talk to someone in charge," Clark says. Just then Evil Doc comes up, twirling his moustache and masturbating to the image of broken-down horses, or some such evil act. He asks what's up and offers to handle the situation. Clark introduces himself. "Didn't your parents call earlier?" Evil Doc asks. Clark tells him about Luka. Evil Doc says Summerholt is strictly a research facility. "I know he's here," Clark insists. Evil Doc says the police already came and checked twice. He says he hopes Clark finds his friend, but he's not there. He walks off and gives Clark a little arm pat as he goes. Clark waits a bit. When the receptionist goes to answer a phone, Clark takes a peer at a clipboard behind the counter. One of the levels is "Restricted," which as you know from "Jitters" means some bad shit is going down.

Clark does indeed bust open a door and finds Luka tied up to a bunch of wires. Clark, looking shocked, takes off Luka's restraints. "Hey! You're not supposed to be in here," a very butch orderly says. Clark tosses him through the door and against the outside wall like so many bags of cotton candy. Luka -- whose upper lip is all crusty with blood -- looks at Clark all dazed. "I knew you'd come for me, Clark," he says. Clark carries the boy out in true superhero fashion.

Stately Luthor Manor, at night. A fountain, appropriately, is gushing outside. Inside, coincidentally, Lex is holding a chocolatey drink with a big head of whipped cream. It's like Lex is constantly trying to create the nose-in-foam scene from Austin Powers. Lex hands over the glass mug of chocolate to little Luka, who doesn't seem as annoyed with Lex as he was last time around. He's even covered with a blanket, the universal sign for "I just survived trauma." Clark asks how they might get hold of Luka's aunt. He says he thinks she moved to Arizona. Clark asks how she could just leave. Luka says he started getting nosebleeds and headaches a few months ago. She took him to a bunch of doctors, it got to be a lot to handle, and Evil Doc showed up offering to pay for Luka's care. Lex asks what they were treating Luka for. Luka stumbles over his words and before he can answer, Clark says they were holding him for observation. Lex gives Clark a stern look and asks to talk to him for a moment. Luka starts to say something, maybe a warning ("Use protection!"), but then looks down and "never mind"s Clark. Clark tells Luka to get some rest with his big sugary caffeinated drink. The kid eats some whipped cream and licks his lips, but it's so joyless it's like he's drinking castor oil.

In the hall, Clark thanks Lex for taking Ryan in. Clark says that if he'd taken the kid home, his parents would have freaked. Oh, come now. They would have been happy to see the kid and more concerned that he was being tortured than whether Clark broke any laws. It's not like the Kents haven't skirted the criminal justice system before. This plot point reeks. Lex asks Clark why he busted the kid out if he was only being kept for observation. Clark, walking down the hall pensively, says that Luka was being treated like a lab rat. A lab rat under "observation." Lex says that Clark abducted a minor and that they're both in serious trouble. This whole conversation reminds me of Jeffrey Jones and makes me very, very sad. Clark says he shouldn't have involved Lex. He gives Lex an up-and-down look and says he'll find another place to play El Fugitivo. Lex grabs Clark by the arm and pulls him back. He says that Luka can stay for the night and he'll talk to his lawyers and see what their options are. (Option #1: LOVE!) Clark says he wasn't thinking when he took Luka. "So you staged a one-man prison break?" Lex asks. Let's avoid the mental image of one of these two men in prison. Lex asks how Clark got the kid out without being stopped. "Just lucky, I guess," Clark says, looking all angelic. Lex says Clark is the luckiest guy he's ever met. Long, lingering look. Lex says he hopes that luck doesn't run out before tomorrow. Oh, no, Lex. This luck is gonna last all. Night. Long.

Kent Home. Clark walks in, calling for his parents. Our friend Sheriff Ethan (Gunther!) and Evil Doc are standing with the Kents. Nobody looks too thrilled. MamaKent must not have offered them any of her famous muffins. Evil Doc asks where Luka went. Clark says the boy is safe. "Clark, what did you do?" MamaKent asks, her voice all shaky. Evil Doc tells Ethan to search every inch of the farm. Since when do doctors get to tell police how to do their damn job? Ethan needs to throw off the shackles of this script and tear Evil Doc a new ass. And then a hole, maybe. Bo says they have a warrant to search the farm. Evil Doc says that Clark is under arrest for kidnapping. Again, is this guy supposed to be a Fed or something? When did he earn the right to read Miranda rights? Ethan! Say something! Clark says he needs till the morning. Evil Doc, his brows furrowed, over-enunciates that if the kid isn't there by 9 the morning, Feds will be crawling all over the place and Clark's life will go under the microscope. Now why would that be a threat to any normal sixteen- to seventeen-year-old? Like, what kind of dark secrets could Clark have if he were normal? Ah, yes. Plot contrivance. And one that leads us into commercials.

These thetruth.com ads really make me crave a good smoke.

Man, this mug gets more screen time than Nell! Bo is sipping thoughtfully from his bovine coffee mug in the foreground as MamaKent stirs something in a blue bowl in the background. Luka walks into the kitchen with Clark. Please let us not replay the whole "I can guess what breakfast you like" scene from "Stray." MamaKent hugs him joyously. Bo gives him a handshake and hug! Luka looks worried. He tells Bo not to be mad at Clark since the big dopey superhero was just trying to help. Bo sighs. He smiles. I think Bo sees a platitude spouter-in-training. Luka recounts the great orderly throwing. Clark says he's exaggerating...a little. Bo spoils everyone's prison-break fun by saying that while they're glad Luka's fine (little do they know!), Clark went about this the wrong way. He should have filed the proper paperwork. Bo says that they have no choice but to give Luka back. Oh, like Luka didn't see this coming. MamaKent asks how Luka ended up at the lab. Luka says Evil Doc told his aunt there was something wrong with Luka's brain. He says that's why he can read people's minds. He says his ability freaked his aunt out and she bailed. MamaKent comforts him. Luka tries to do the thing where the abused kid tries to stick up for the abusive parent and says she's not a bad person. Luka suddenly looks up. "They're here," he says.

Outside, the Ethanmobile arrives. Evil Doc gets out of the car. What, Ethan is his chauffer, too? Goddammit, Ethan, grow a fucking backbone! You have a gun! Go a little Bad Cop on this prick! Evil Doc, for his part, reminds me of the Colin Farrell character from Minority Report. His hair is all Jimmy Falloning in the wind. Luka tells Clark not to let them take him. Spineless Ethan says they've agreed to drop the kidnapping charges if the Kents turn the boy over. Go ahead, Luka. Turn around. Evil Doc tells Luka they have to get back to Metropolis. Bo and Clark step forward, blocking Evil Doc. Evil Doc turns to Ethan, who cowers under his gaze, and says he has the paperwork "proving thus" that he's Luka's legal guardian. This whole legal-guardian thing must have happened very quickly. Bo says that having custody is not the same as having a pink slip to a car. Read Bo Duke's new book, Parenting Platitudes, now available at your local Borders Bookstore. Bo says Luka doesn't want to go with Evil Doc. "Ethan, please," MamaKent says. Ethan wiggles his thick moustache in angst. Evil Doc says they can lose one boy today or two boys later. He says that kidnapping comes with some juvenile time. How is it kidnapping if the kid wants to go, and has no residence other than a lab that's not supposed to house patients?

Ethan is about to cave like the wild non-blooming African Night Flower what only blooms in deep, dark caverns in times when there's no moonlight, when a car pulls up, honking. It's Lex in a sporty little convertible. I wonder if he ever wishes he had hair to blow in the wind when he drives it. Lex, wearing little purple J.Lo sunglasses, tells Ethan that before he does anything, he should take a look at some papers. It's a temporary restraining order giving the Kents custody. Evil Doc says he'll have Clark arrested. Lex says he has a countersuit ready to be filed. Wait, what? In civil court? Against a criminal charge? What the fuck ever, Lex. Lex says the DA is interested in looking into the research lab's practices. That's not a countersuit, Lex. Clark nevertheless looks at his knight in shining black convertible paint as his absolute hero and gives Lex a grateful, smoldering Gayest Look of the Episode. Lex returns a sideways glance and turns back to the Doc: "It's your move." Somewhere, Jason Bateman's ears just perked up. "This isn't over," Evil Doc hisses. He says Clark's rich friend saved him today. Then Evil Doc calls Ethan over like Ethan is his prison bitch and they're off. Ethan needs some Man Love.

The Talon. You can barely read it, but the marquee says, "SILENT FILM FESTIVAL." I wish Lana were a silent festival. Clark and Luka step into the coffee shop. It's all dark. A light is flicked on. "Surprise!" everyone yells. What on earth is Chloe wearing? A kilt over pants? A ton more people than could ever have met Luka are there to celebrate. A banner (I think Smallville's biggest export is hand-painted banners, not corn) welcomes Luka back. Chloe says it's Luka's jailbreak party. She says they have the obligatory pistachio log ice cream cake. Huh? She says they also managed to rustle up a band. Oh. God. No. Luke says this is cool. "Good to see ya, man," Pete says. Your paycheck is in the mail, friend. Lana says she's so glad Luka's back. She gives him a kiss on the cheek. Pink! Luka says, "Wow." He must have felt her upper lip move on his cheek and now he's amazed. Clark gives Luka a weird, grinning, almost lecherous look like, "Yeah? Yeah? You like? Heh heh!" As people walk away to start the par-tay, Clark says, "You knew about this the whole time, didn't you?" Luka says he knew half a block away. He says he was tempted to ruin the surprise because he hates pistachio. Cute kid. Get with dying of cancer already. He says it was definitely worth the kiss. When the time comes, I'm going to blame Lana's lipstick for his tumor.

Strummy alt-crap rock. Okay, first off, the singer is strumming his guitar and bopping like he's Tiny fucking Tim or something, and he's wearing a pink long-sleeved shirt and Chloe's medallion. The guitarist is just Shaggy. Yep, having the alt-crap live doesn't make it sound any better. Chloe is sitting right up front and seems to be the only person enjoying it. Pete goes over to check on his buds. Luka thanks Pete. Pete's mom had co-signed the restraining order with the judge from Metropolis. You need to co-sign a restraining order? Do you have to buy a house with that? Pete says, "Imagine getting a phone call from Lex Luthor at 5 in the morning." Usually all he has to do is nudge Clark on the shoulder in bed. Luka looks worried. When Pete walks off, he tells Clark that Pete knows his secret. Clark says he told Pete and it's fine. Luka says Pete's all stressed about it. He's worried that Clark will slip someday and tell someone and will end up a lab rat just like Luka. Lana brings over some log cake, whatever the hell that's about. Luka gets a headache. Lana goes to get him a glass of water. "Clark," Luka says dreamily, "Lana's moving to Metropolis." This Kreskin shit is getting old, fast. Clark looks over at Lana and now the strummy music has finally got him sad.

Strange transition to the Barnness of Clarkitude as the same song is playing, but now Clark is listening to it as he reads a book, Understanding the Brain. I was hoping for Brains for Dummies. Lana walks up to the loft. She asks if everything is okay. Clark thanks her for the party. He says he's sorry they left early since Luka didn't feel well. Clark says they're taking Luka to the doctor to see what was done to him at "that place." Lana says he's safe now thanks to Clark. Clark says he's a good kid, but life's always kicking him in the teeth. Life's not the only one who wants to. Clark asks how Lana's doing and says she seems preoccupied. He says he knows things aren't as solid between them (ya think?), but he's still there if Lana has something to talk about. I don't know if I like this whole using-psychic-powers- for-romantic-ends business. Lana tells Clark about the Metropolis move. "How do you feel about that?" Clark asks, using shrink lingo. Lana asks how Clark would feel being uprooted like that. He says it would be tough. Yawn. Lana says she feels like a piece of luggage in the trunk of Nell and her man's new life. She could be L.L. Bean luggage. Clark asks if Lana has told Potential Dad, Henry Small, about this. She says she's not ready to dump this in his lap. Everything else, yes. But not this. She says that just because they might share DNA, that doesn't mean they're family. Clark says Lana can come and stay with the Kents, even though it's a little crowded. Lana nods and smiles. She says Luka's lucky. No, he's Luka. She says he got to choose his family. Man, can we say ungrateful? Nell wants to get married and be happy, so you don't want her as family anymore? Lana leaves with her lip gloss self. "Don't go," Clark says as she's walking down the stairs. Lana stops. He asks her not to go to Metropolis. "Or what? You're going to kidnap me, too?" she jokes. Well, he has already stalked her. Clark says that Nell can't dictate her life and if she doesn't want to go, she shouldn't have to. Lana does a little half nod and leaves for real this time.

The stained-glass hallway of Lex Manor. MamaKent is telling Luka that Papa Luthor is in Metropolis, so she won't be long. Isn't that a six-hour drive round-trip? Is she taking the chopper? MamaKent says she'll take Luka to the doctor afterward. Luka smiles and says that MamaKent pretends around Bo that she doesn't like her job, but she does. Will you knock it off, kid? No wonder you had no friends to stay with when your aunt freaked out. MamaKent says that she may give up the job to spend more time with Luka. He says he doesn't want to be a problem. She puts her hands on his cheeks and says he's a gift. Like Clark. Just not so much in the male-model vein. Ryan looks down Ms. Kent's body and back at her. "I know your secret," he says. He asks why she doesn't tell Bo and Clark. I'm going to call it right now and say she's pregnant. She says she'll tell them when the time is right. Maybe she'll die at the end of the season like Bride from 24. Luka promises not to tell.

Lex comes out into the hall and greets Luka. He asks how the kid is feeling. Luka's much better. Good to know. Luka thanks Lex for harboring him. MamaKent takes off. Luka asks if he can check out that Warrior Angel comic-book collection. "That depends," Lex says. "Are your hands clean?" Pause. Oh, Lex is joking! The kid gets it. Lex shows off issue #1. It's "Fantasy Comics," but it looks like the "Action Comics" where Superman first appeared in print. Warrior Angel is holding up a car that's surrounded by a golden blast. Lex says it's in mint condition, much like himself. He says he has two copies of each issue -- one for collecting, "one for reading," Luka finishes. Luka asks Lex why he likes Warrior Angel so much. Didn't he ask the same thing in "Stray"? Lex says the hero helped him through some tough times. "After your mom died?" Luka asks. Lex asks how he knew that. Luka says Clark told him. Lex shoots him a look. Lex pulls out a comic and says the world between the covers was reassuring -- you knew who the villains and heroes were. Lex says that when you grow up, not everything is in black and white. Luka asks if all Lex sees now is shades of gray. I'm getting really annoyed with this kid again. Lex says that real life isn't a comic book. Um. Cough. Cough. Lex says that sometimes you have to get your hands dirty and make compromises. Luka says that's what Papa Luthor told him. That doesn't mean it's right. Lex says Luka is either remarkably intuitive or...suddenly, Luka gets a big headache. Luka grimaces and puts his fingers to his temple. He's bleeding. A big drop falls on Lex's comic book. Make that near-mint. Luka says something is loud and slaps his own head. He rubs his head one last time, pitches back, and falls. He takes the comic book with him. We pan across unconscious Luka on the floor and then the comic, which features Warrior Angel's face on the cover. He looks a little like Harvey Birdman.

Silly transition: We go from the Warrior Angel mask to a dissolve right onto Clark's face. He's looking dreamily off into space. Luka wakes up in a hospital bed. Clark asks how his head's doing. It still hurts. Clark hands Luka a comic book. It's the newest issue, featuring a Sealab-looking station. Clark asks what's up with the floating balloon. Luka says it's the Aerodrome, a floating fortress where Warrior Angel can get away from his troubles. Clark says it sounds like everyone should have one of those. Oh, I didn't know they had Luka hooked up to a melted cheese drip. Clark says he's not sure about the floating part. He's afraid of flying. Oh. Gawd. This episode just went from bad to ugh. Luka says he didn't think Clark was afraid of anything. Clark says there are lots of things he's afraid off. Poppers. Outing. Other members of the Gay Mafia. Clark says he puts on a brave face. Luka says he does, too, only his brave face isn't as pretty. Clark says the doctors are going to run some more tests. Luka already knows what's wrong since he read Evil Doc's mind. Well, you couldn't save the Kents a few thousand dollars in medical bills by letting them know ahead of time? Luka says there's a tumor in his head. It's in the Annoyal Region. Luka says the tumor, she is getting bigger. "I'll tell the doctors!" Clark says helpfully and gets up to go give them the news. Luka says they already know. Sad cancer music plays. Luka starts to tear up. "I'm dying, Clark," he says, and it's the one time in the episode I can stand him. Clark doesn't really react. It sounds like he's been told Luka's got a bad Charley Horse. "And no one can save me," Luka says. Oh yeah? We've still got another set of commercials to go! Luka half-cries. Clark fails to react in any meaningful way.

Kent Farm. Clark is on the fence about this whole cancer thing. No, seriously, he's leaning up against the fence, reading a comic book. Bo comes up behind him with a fresh list of cancer-specific platitudes. Um, let's see...take each day as it comes. Dance like no one can see you. Don't let chemo kill your dream-o. Bo says he and MamaKent are going to the hospital. Clark asks if there's any news. Bo puts his hand on Clark's and rubs it with bad-news anticipation. Bo says the tumor is growing. It's like a fungus, among us. Bo says the doctors think it's from the experiments done at the lab. How would they know what experiments were done and how they would have affected the tumor? They're psionic doctors, now? Clark looks at the comic book like it's a mission statement, and says that Luka thinks he's the hero. Bo says Clark has helped lots of people. Clark says he can't help Luka: "What kind of hero is that?" Clark asks. I feel a Chad Kroeger song coming on. Bo pulls out a bottle of Extra-Strength 12-Hour Platitudes. He says this beyond even Clark's abilities. He says they have to pray for the best. Clark asks what he's supposed to do -- sit around and watch Luka die? Uh...yep. Clark says he's not gonna give up. No he won't back down. You can stand him up at the gates of Hell, but he won't. Back down. Clark walks off and Bo looks heavenward.

Torch. Chloe eyes Lana looking up information about child emancipation on a computer. Oh, gawd. I'm gonna have to root for Nell on this one. Lana says she's decided not to go to Metropolis. Chloe says that's very "Erin Brockovich" of her. Huh? Lana says she told Nell, and Nasty Nell smacked her down on the matter. Chloe asks if she's going to pursue emancipation. Lana says it could take up to a year and a half, at which time she'll be near adulthood anyway. Lana says it's her last shot. Chloe takes a moment then says there might be one more option. Zoom in on two separate shots of Chloe and Lana letting their love unfurl.

Cut to a tight shot of Metropolis Journal of Medicine magazine. It's the butt-ugliest magazine I've ever seen. And medical journals don't usually stick someone's rashy face on the cover. This is like People Magazine: For Doctors. On the cover is "Dr. Thomas Burton The Future of Cancer Treatment." Lex hands the magazine to Clark and tells him this doctor is working on a radical new treatment serum for brain tumors. It's awesome. Clark asks how he can get in touch with the doctor. Lex says the problem is the guy is going to Helsinki that afternoon for a six-week trip. Clark says that by that time, it'll be too late. Lex tells Clark that he did some research into Luka's condition and that in some cases it can give patients ESP-like abilities. Somewhere in a hospital, Luka's brain is burning upon hearing this. Clark says, "What are you saying?" Lex says Luka is insightful and he thinks the boy might be able to read minds. Whoa! Clark asks if Lex is interested in helping Luka or just exploiting him, too. Hold on there, tiger. Lex says he spent hours tracking that doctor down. Clark apologizes. Lex says sometimes no matter how much you want to save someone, there's nothing you can do. Except write a song about it like Remy Zero. Clark takes the magazine and says he's not going to let Luka down. Lex stops Clark by talking about his poor, dead Ma. He says he spent so much time researching doctors and treatment instead of spending time with her like he should have. Lex says by the time he realized that, it was too late. He says he wasn't by her side when she died. "Don't make the same mistake I did," he tells Clark. Clark pouts, nods, then leaves. He says he's not going to let Luka die.

Clark runs down a road. He sees a sign for "HUB CITY 425." What follows is a hilarious sequence of Clark running at blur speed. Over the river and through the woods, to the doctor's office Clark goes! He dodges between two cars. He runs! Run, Clark, run! He ran and ran and ran. And then he ran some more. He's running against the wind. But he's not running on empty. And he ran. He ran so far away.

Luka in the hospital, alone with his reading. Lex stops in for a visit. He offers a comic. Luka says Clark beat him to it. Lex says he bets Clark didn't bring issue #66. Luka says that's the rarest issue. Lex says it's the one where Devilicus turned against Warrior Angel. Devilicus? Devilicious? "Weren't they best friends?" Luka asks. Lex says they were, once upon a time. Luka asks what happened. Lex says they ruled the Guardian Realm together. Devilicus told Warrior Angel that they should join forces and conquer humanity. Lex sits down and says that no one would be able to stop them. Luka asks what Warrior Angel said. Lex says the hero refused since he felt it was his duty to protect those weaker than he. Devilicus thought Warrior Angel was naïve, and threatened to destroy him and everything he stood for. Is it just me or does this tie in with Superman somehow? No, don't tell me. I'll try to figure it out on my own. Luka asks why Devilicus went bad. Lex says he's not sure. He read every comic and he doesn't know? "Probably wasn't aware of it," Lex says. Lex goes on about the road to darkness being a journey, not a light switch, while Luka looks at him worriedly. "You should remember that, Lex," Luka says.

Clark: still running! He runs and everything around him freezes including some CGI falling leaves. Clark passes a city skyline and some hazy oil refineries. Why am I hearing the Sopranos theme song in my head?

Airfield. Clark superszips to the airstrip. He asks some guy on the tarmac for the doctor. "Who?" the guy asks. Clark, who still is carrying the magazine, shows the picture. The guy says Good Doc is on the plane, which is already moving. Clark zips in front of the plane, holds up his hands, and yells, "Wait!" Ha. The plane stops. I kind of wish this were the end of A Fish Called Wanda instead of this episode. The Good Doc gets off the plane. He asks who Clark is. Clark hands over some scans (brain scans?) as the police arrive instantly. Somebody points a gun at Clark. "Get your hands in the air now!" a cop yells. Clark begs the doctor to look at the color scans. The doctor looks. "Where's your friend now?" he asks. Clark smiles. Commercials.

Victoria's Secret? Just stop, okay? You had me at the slutty lingerie model posing in her push-up bra to the laptop and glass-top desk.

The hospital that Sandra Cisneros painted on the inside. Clark is walking all casual. He asks his folks when Luka will be out of surgery. MamaKent tells him it'll be a few hours, and says she's never been more proud of her superpowered, adopted son. "It was an amazing thing that you did," Bo says. But was it super? Bo says he hopes Clark understands that even though the doctor is here, Luka's not out of the woods yet. Plus there are a lot of woods in Vancouver. Clark says he knows, but he has a great feeling things are going to work. Nobody ever said intuition was one of Clark's powers. Smiles all around.

TV screen. One of those sleazy political ads where they zoom in on a politician's face until it's all blurry and distorted. This time the ad features Da Mayor and talks about bribes he took. The ad -- which Lex and Cancer Man are watching in Lex's lair -- talks about how this guy destroyed the environment, killed Santa Claus, raped your grandma, and every other evil thing you can think of. The ad asks if Smallville can afford another four years of Da Mayor. "Why are you doing this?" Cancer Man asks. Lex says the town needs an honest mayor. Cancer Man asks if Lex is running the ad. Lex says no; he's putting his money and support behind Da Mayor's opponent. Lex says CM can save himself a lot of trouble by retiring now. Cancer Man says Lex can kiss the plant expansion goodbye. Lex says he's prepared to sacrifice it if that's what it takes to defeat Da Mayor. Da Mayor says Lex isn't from the area: "People don't like you." Lex chuckles. Da Mayor tells Lex to stop laughing. He says all it'll take is some fiery campaign speeches about outside interests and Lex will start to feel the heat. Lex blah blahs a story about Winston Churchill and Pearl Harbor. Churchill broke out a bottle of champagne and celebrated when Pearl Harbor was attacked. Lex pours a drink. He says Churchill told his generals that America is like a giant boiler. Light a fire under it and there's no limit to the heat it can generate. Lex warns Da Mayor that if he starts a fire, he'd better be prepared to deal with the flames. Er. Yeah. Flames. Lex. Lex. Flames. I can definitely see that. Cancer Man's lips move around a bit at that.

Clark at the hospital. He's sipping on a sweet little cup of coffee. Lana finds him. She asks if there's any news. Clark says Luka's in recovery but the prognosis is optimistic. "So everything's gonna work out?" Lana asks. Clark says he think so. Lana says she took Clark's advice: She's going to be living with Chloe until she graduates. And who's going to pay for that? Clark asks if Nell is "cool" with that. Lana says no, but that Nell's agreed. So Nell's pretty much off the show in even the limited capacity she was presented before? Clark says Lana's a fighter. Lana says that when she thinks of everything Luka's gone through, it puts her own brain problems in perspective. "Wow, you and Chloe as roommates," Clark says. Dirty, dirty thoughts, Clark! Lana asks if he ever saw that coming. He says not in a million years. Clark looks sad. Lana asks what's wrong. Clark says she won't be the girl door anymore. Lana whispers that she's not going anywhere. She says, sneakily, that maybe now Clark can give his telescope to Luka. Oops! Busted!

Bo and MamaKent walk up. They're both red-faced and not in the embarrassed way. "Clark," MamaKent says, near tears. Uh oh.

Clark walks into Luka's room. Luka's reading the same comic. Luka says every year for his birthday, he wished for an aerodrome so he could fly high. Like an Alpine White commercial. Up there, all his problems would seem so far away. Clark says that's great except for the flying part. Luka asks Clark to give the comic book back to Lex. Clark says Luka can do it himself when he gets out. Luka says he warned Clark about Lex, but never said how much Lex admires Clark. With his lustful eyes. Luka tells Clark to keep an eye on Lex after Luka's gone. Clark tells him not to talk like that and not to give up hope. Luka tells Clark to shut it. He says the doctors told him that Clark bought him a few extra days. He says he wants to spend that time with his friend: "So can you call my friend for me, Clark?" Naw, just kidding. Hey, Clark. Would you mind winning one for the Gipper? Luka suddenly touches his head. Another headache. "It's so loud in here," he says. He's pained. Clark says he'll take Luka somewhere quiet. In pain, Luka nods.

Hot-air balloon! And it's rainbow-colored. Up, up and away! In my beautiful balloon! Strummy music plays. I like "Up, up and away" better. Should Luka even be standing, especially in that rickety wicker basket? He and Clark are in the balloon. Clark asks what Luka thinks. "It's peaceful," Luka says. Luka says he thought Clark was a big wussy baby who didn't like to fly. "Not when you're here to protect me," Clark tells him. Luka, emotionally, thanks Clark for this moment. "It's perfect," he says. Clark looks sad. "I don't want you to be angry or sad," Luka tells Clark. Luka says Clark changed his life and he's going to change a lot of lives. He makes Clark promise he'll never give up. Not even if the WB loses him to UPN someday. Clark puts an arm around Luka and promises. Luka starts to cry. Clark look off into the distance. That...um. That's NOT a tear in my eye. It's lint. From a dust ball that Cosa brought into the room with her...on the wings of a pixie and, uh...Hold on a minute. (Sniff.) Goddamn you, Luka. The balloon floats off into the distance. The episode could have ended here, but...

Clark is at the hospital. He gathers a few Warrior Angel comics. He wanders out into the hallway just as the strummy alt-crap is picking up steam. Clark looks into Luka's old room, at the industrial-green mattress of the hospital bed. Clark looks sad. He tilts his head in a forlorn way, but there are no tears. Oh, come on, Clark, even Lana can cry. The camera pulls back down the hall as Clark stands there and hospital workers walk in slow motion around him. I know this is supposed to be sad, but this is a total Scrubs rip-off. Just thought I'd let you know. And...it's over.

Smallville wants you to know you can collect all the alt-crap songs, including this truly awful one by "Von Ray," when the soundtrack comes out year. Promotional consideration has been paid for Elektra, which is remarkable because figures in Greek tragedy typically don't allow their songs to be used on TV shows. Put the soundtrack on the CD shelf right to the soundtracks to Buffy and Dawson's Creek that you never listen to.

week: Jonathan Taylor Thomas macks on both Lana and Chloe. I cut my eyes out with a pizza cutter.