Lineage

So, wow, right? A really solid, good Smallville mythology episode that really didn't miss a step. I was beginning to think this season was going to be full of clunkers.

Let's dive right in, shall we? We open on a scene of Kent Farm domesticity as MamaKent enters the shot wearing her new Life With Bonnie business suit. She puts a nice new-looking leather briefcase up on the counter. They couldn't afford feed for the animals last week, but she can buy a knockoff Louis Vuitton? Oh, right. Last week's episode was a leftover from Season One. My bad. I'll stop bringing that up. As happy morning music plays, MamaKent calls out for Clark, who according to her MamaVoice, is going to be late. He says he's coming as fast as he can. I used to have a friend whose mom was one of those kind that cusses around the kids and lets them smoke if they want to. And when she'd call him, he'd say, "I'm coming!" and she'd yell back, "No you're not, you're just breathing hard!" I imagine she no longer has custody of her children. Clark superzips down the stairs, carrying a blue coat in his hand. MamaKent asks how he can be fast as lightning and slow as molasses all at the same time. Go MamaKent with the dual simile! Clark says sometimes he's a mystery even to himself. Bo asks what happened to the alarm clock he recently fixed for Clark. He sips out of his bovine coffee mug. Clark says he crushed the clock this morning hitting the snooze alarm. As he talks, Clark grabs a piece of bread and starts doing the heat/ejaculation thing with his eyes to toast it. How can that possibly be sanitary? Clark says he's not much of a morning person. Bo says, inexplicably, that Clark must have gotten that from his mother. (Adopted mother?) Bo grabs the toast from Clark's hand and burns himself. Fool! Bo mentions that MamaKent was late to her own wedding. Maybe she didn't want to go. MamaKent says that not all of them were trained by roosters. Ooh, veiled cock joke! Clark mentions that they're studying Greek tragedy in school. Cool: the foreshadowing has been set. Wait for it...wait for it...Clark takes a bite of his eye-jam toast. He looks at his watch. The thing we see is Clark running out of the house, toast in hand, then zipping through the barn, out into the field and away! He comes out faster than Christina Aguilera's underwear.

After Clark is away, we pan down as the red Kent truck pulls out past the barn. Just as the truck departs, a woman with bright red hair and a long, brown coat steps out from the side of the barn. It's Blair Brown! Aw, Molly Dodd. We sure missed you. She looks around and walks toward the Kent home. She steps right in through the kitchen door as soft, nostalgic music plays. The house is fully furnished, which we've never really seen. In a hallway, she looks at a bunch of pictures on a wall to the stairs. She picks up one of the frames. She runs her fingers over a picture of Clark in a tan coat and blue shirt. His hair is, for once, behaving itself. She takes a sharp breath of air, puts her finger to her lips, and looks over to the left.

Smallville High. Kids are walking around as Chloe, Clark, and Pete exit a class. Chloe is explaining to Pete the story of Hera and Zeus: sending snakes, two-timing, all that. (Which I pretend to know about, but alas, I suck at mythology.) Chloe says that it's family dysfunction on a Dionysian scale. Pete says they sound like they should be on Ricki Lake. Chloe says she doesn't condone what Hera did, but that Zeus did break his wedding vows. Clark says it doesn't give her the right to go Fatal Attraction on him. Clark made a movie reference! From 1987! Chloe warns Clark that Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Wordy word WORD! Not that I, uh, know anything about that. Clark lets Chloe and Pete walk off as he fishes in his locker. He closes it, and it's Molly Dodd! Man, they sure aren't doing any soft-focus lens favors for her skin. She looks a little doughy in this light. Clark asks if he knows her. She says no. "Well, yes," she corrects herself. "Clark, Im your mother," she says. Clark's half-smile disappears. Opening credits!

If I end up getting a copy of that four-disc Lord of the Rings DVD, with 3.9 billion hours of additional features and footage, you can forget about me ever recapping, or leaving the house, or having time for contact with other human beings ever again.

Kent Farm, outside, at night. MamaKent, Bo Duke, and Clark are walking from the barn to the house. MamaKent tells Clark that the woman he met is not his real mother. Clark says he knows that, and told Molly Dodd so, but she told him he just needed time to get used to the idea. That and some tequila shots. Clark says that the woman gave him her cell-phone number in case he wanted to talk again. Bo takes the number and says he doesn't want Clark to have anything to do with that woman's crazy days and nights. Clark says that the woman will be hard to avoid: she just bought a house in town. Clark goes on to say that the woman told him her adoption giveaway was handled by Metropolis United Charities, which only ever handled one adoption -- Clark's. MamaKent and Bo exchange a look. Clark wants to know what happened back then. MamaKent says it's not important. Bo agrees, and says that they just need to make the woman back off and not get people curious about Clark's origins. They should totally send over a squad that includes Furio, Paulie, Christopher, and Silvio. Not because Silvio would hurt anyone, but because Silvio is just funny.

The Talon. Why is a serious discussion about parentage and adoption being held in a teenaged girl's coffee shop? Molly Dodd takes MamaKent's hand and says she knows what MamaKent is thinking: "You're trying to make a comeback from your '80s acting career too?" Molly Dodd says the thought MamaKent must have is what right does this woman have to come back after all these years? MamaKent, who looks pissed, darts her eyes to the right and says the thought did occur to her. Molly Dodd just smiles, strangely. Y'all. She crazy. Bo interrupts her smile party. He says he knows she means well, and that she went to a lot of trouble to find them, but, well, NO. And furthermore, NO. And, don't worry about getting the check, because I'll just take my credit card here and, NO. She says she's done her research: Her baby Lucas was the only one turned over to the charity. And Clark was the only baby to come out of it. She may be crazy, but she's got a point. Bo loses his cool. He says they raised Clark, they're Clark's legal parents, and, oh, did he mention, NO! She says she doesn't want to take Clark; she just wants to get to know him. She says that giving up the kid was the worst thing she's ever done. Bo says he hopes she finds her kid, Lucas, but that they need to leave and he hasn't even figured out the gratuity on the check, which comes out to about 20% of NO! Bo says goodbye forever. Molly Dodd looks confused, shakes her head, and says, "No," to herself. Yep. She finally got it.

Smallville High, outside. All the flowers in Vancouver are in bloom! Chloe walks into the offices of The Torch. Clark is sitting at her green iMac. "Sure Clark, you can use my computer," Chloe says brightly. Clark says that Chloe's been getting emails from Molly Dodd. Chloe says, "You've been reading my emails?" Have any of you ever gotten into a "you've been reading my emails?" fight before? I guaran-fucking-tee you those never end well. Clark says, "You promised me you'd stop digging into my adoption." He's MAD. Chloe says she just posted a few notices on some adoption websites to see if she could get my hits. My closed captioning says it was to see if she could get some "heads." Chloe says that Molly Dodd responded. Clark gets up, pushes his chair aside roughly, and says, "So you said, 'Why don't you check out my buddy Clark? He may be your son.'" First off, Clark is actually scary here. His voice is all shaky, and I'm amazed that chair didn't go through the wall. He moves forward, stalking Chloe. Chloe, backing away, says she didn't tell the woman anything about Clark. He asks if it's a coincidence that the woman showed up claiming to be his mom. Chloe is happy to hear that, and asks why he's so sure she's not the real thing. "I am not giving you an exclusive on my life!" he says, sounding very hurt. Chloe asks if he's not even curious. Clark asks why she she's so obsessed with his mother. "Do I ask questions about yours?" he says, pointing a finger. Chloe says she guesses not. He says Chloe's mother hasn't shown her face in town for years. If she wants to find someone's mother, he says, she should find her own. Chloe, near tears, says she knows where her mother is, but the difference is that Chloe's mom isn't interested in her. Wow. Clark stops his tirade. He leaves. Chloe cries. Through her red face and tears, Chloe says that since he probably won't speak to her again, there's something Clark should know. He stops at the doorway. She says that the charity that handled Clark's adoption was founded by Papa Luthor. Clark stops mid-stride, then keeps going. Great, great acting in this scene. And actually motivated, unlike some other subplots in recent episodes.

The SOHO of Lexitude. Lex, in his form-fitting gray pullover, is fondling a pen while talking to Molly Dodd about his good buddy Clark. Lex says he's intrigued, but not sure what the situation has to do with him. She says she's heard that Lex and Clark are good friends. Lex looks down when she says that, perhaps making sure his zipper is up. Molly says she's been forbidden to talk to Clark (boy, does Lex know how that feels) and she wonders if he might be able to talk to her supposed son in her stead. With a small smile, Lex says he doesn't want to piss Bo Duke off any more than he already has in the past. She asks if Lex doesn't want Clark to know his real mother. Lex rotates his head around whimsically and says it's not appropriate to get involved. Molly Dodd (crazy!) says she wasn't going to bring this up, but she used to be the nurse for Lex's mother. She says she also knew Papa Luthor and they became...very close. "Aw, crap," Lex thinks as he rubs his eyebrows. Molly Dodd says that Papa Luthor got her pregnant and made her give up the kid for adoption. Man, that magnificent bastard sure does get around. Suddenly, Lex believes her. "You're claiming that Clark...that Clark and I..." Lex says. Say it! Say it! "He's your brother, Lex," Molly Dodd says. Oh.

Chloe is rushing down the stairs at school when Lana comes up behind her and catches up. Chloe is still all sniffly from her Clarkfrontation. Lana asks what's wrong. Chloe says they had a massive blow-up about secrets, privacy, and her pathological urge to satisfy her curiosity. "How are you?" Chloe says in that just-don't-give-a-fuck way. Lana, with her strange pink eyeshadow, says they can talk about her problems later. Except they won't. Chloe apologizes for dumping on Lana. "If you can't dump on your friends..." Lana says. Yeah, take it from the absolute expert. Lana takes a long pause before doing her own toxic dumping. Lana whips out the photo from last week of her mom canoodling with some bearded guy. Lana, via info from Lex, says the guy is named Henry Small. "As in the Smallville Smalls?" Chloe asks. I didn't know there was such a thing. I thought they named it for the town's median cranium capacity. Chloe asks who the hottie is hanging all over Henry. "My mom," Lana says, doing that head-nod thing that some girls do when they're trying to paint a pretty picture over their heartbreak. Chloe apologizes. For thinking Lana's mom is a hottie? Soon, all the girls will be wearing leather and jumping across rooftops on this show, just like on Birds of Prey. Lana says she thinks the guy may be her biological father. "You okay?" Chloe asks. Lana breathes strangely and half-laughs. "I think so," she says. Lana says she wants to find out everything about this guy, and she wants to know if Chloe can help. Chloe is flattered. Chloe rattles off things she could do, but suggests that the best way to know the guy is to use a piece of technology called the doorbell. Well, it sounded good at the time.

Kent Farm. Bo and MamaKent are unloading groceries from the back of the truck. I have no idea how you'd keep eggs from breaking back there. But then, I guess they have their own supply, huh? Clark magically appears with a whoosh! "Grab a sack, son," Bo Duke says. I'm not going anywhere near that line. See that guy over there, across the street? That's me, staying away from it. Clark asks why Papa Luthor was involved in his adoption. Bo looks pained. Clark wants to know what's the dilly-o. MamaKent tells Bo to spill it; Clark needs to know. Bo puts down his sack (ahem) and starts in on a flashback sequence. He says that the day of the meteor shower, he knew nothing was going to be normal ever again. He's that prescient. Flashback to the meteor shower. Flaming trails of meteor madness! Destruction! We go back to the pilot with Bo Duke and MamaKent in the truck, trying to avoid those great balls of fire. Bo brakes as the truck heads into smoke and we hear the truck crash. The thing we see is the two of them upside down, their roofs rubbing the interior ceiling. Bo looks over and sees the naked superboy. MamaKent sees him, too, the little bushy-haired kid.

A fire truck passes some burning corn. Bo is running. He sees a truck and goes to the driver's side. The guy in the driver's seat is slumped against the wheel. "Teddy!" Bo says. There's a tiny hole in the windshield. Is that supposed to be a bullet hole or something? Bo leans back and takes a long breath. Ah, flatulence in a time of disaster. Bo gulps down hard.

The thing we see is Bo using poor Teddy's truck to load up the spaceship. He was able to get it up there by himself? I thought that thing was supposed to be really heavy. What did they do with Teddy's body? I'm totally concerned about Teddy now. Bo covers up the spacecraft while MamaKent holds the superkid, wrapped in a blanket, in her arms. They drive Teddy's truck. "Jonathan, look out!" MamaKent screams. There's a guy in a suit with crazy hair waving his arms in the street. Bo swerves to avoid the guy. It's Papa Luthor, and man, is he frazzled. Also, his hair is shorter than I remember. Bo jumps out of the truck and asks what's wrong. "My son...he...he...I can't..." Papa sputters. Bo and Papa Luthor run through a flattened field. They find L'il Lex in his prep-school outfit, lying on his side. Bo checks for a pulse. Bo puts his jacket over the kid while Papa Luthor just stands there, asking what happened to Lex's hair. Ha! L'il Lex has one little tuft of red hair at the top of his head. He looks like a character from Oddworld: Abe's Oddyssee. Bo picks the kid and carries him, throwing Papa a glance as he walks.

The truck. Man, they're packed tight in there -- three adults and two kids. They must be on the way to Wal-Mart. "Can't we go any faster?" Papa Luthor asks. Bo says they're going as fast as they can. Papa Luthor glances back and asks what they're carrying in the back of the truck, since it's slowing them down. Bo ignores him. Shirtless Tiny Clark turns to Lex. Lex opens his eyes a little and looks back. Clark touches Lex's l'il head and runs his hand down Lex's cheek. Lex faints. Clark smiles and sits back. For obvious reasons, I refuse to give the GAYLE to this scene. But it is awfully cute.

Hospital. Papa Luthor, with his weird shag haircut, looks into the room where Lex is sleeping. L'il Lex looks really thin and frail. Bo comes out of another room as Papa Luthor is walking away, and asks about Lex. "He's in shock. But he'll survive," Papa Luthor says. Papa Luthor says that Bo saved him. The two introduce themselves. Papa Luthor says that if there's anything he can ever do for Bo, he should call. He hands over a business card. "I mean that, Mr. Kent," Papa Luthor says. The card says "Lionel Luthor, Chairman & CEO" and a Luthorcorp logo. The phone numbers have a 121 area code.

Suddenly, we're back on the farm with Bo, looking all sad. Clark asks why Bo wanted to keep his being a hero a big secret. Bo's about to say something, but a car pulls up. It's the law! Our old mustachioed friend Ethan gets out of the car. He says that Molly Dodd has petitioned Judge Ross for a DNA test. Clark says that's crazy. Ethan tells them that if it's not true, the DNA test will prove it. Ethan says they can run the test, send it to a Metropolis lab, and get the results back and over with by the day. Ethan says he's sure they have nothing to worry about.

Jackass: The Movie. Candy for your inner thirteen-year-old boy.

A noisy street crowded with kids, strollers, and playing. This must be where all the breeders live. Lana, in an awful pink jacket, walks up some stairs to the front door of a house. Inside, there's a guy yelling about dumping and eyesores. I live in Austin; we got tons of guys just like this. They all wear Birkenstocks and listen to Ani DiFranco. Lana knocks and walks through a half-open door. The guy is still yelling about the power and water company and illegal dumping. He gets hung up on. Ha! He slams the phone hard into a cabinet. There are books stacked everywhere. "Uh, Mr. Small?" Lana says. "WHAT?!" he yells. I've been wishing for someone to yell at Lana, but I was hoping it would be someone she already knows. The guy -- who has graying hair, glasses, and a salt-and-pepper beard -- calms down and rubs his face. He apologizes and says he's not taking on any more law students. Lana says she's not a law student. She's barely a student at all. Potential Papa says he recognizes her from The Talon. Lana says she's never seen the guy there. He says she never will; he boycotts it. Yep, just sit at home with your Ani DiFranco and your freeze-dried coffee. Ass. Lana asks why. He says he's got a thing against Luthors. Lana says Lex is just a silent partner. "That's what the Vichys said about the Nazis," he tells her. "Look what happened to France." Yeah, France sucks. He asks her name. "Lana Lang," she says. She whips out the photo and says he knew her mom. The poor guy takes a breath so long is makes his Birks vibrate. "Where did you get this?" he asks. Lana says she found it. "Did you love her?' Lana asks, all girlish. "What do you want me to say?" Potential Papa asks. He says it's ancient history and doesn't matter. Now, a tree! That's worth cherishing! A chirpy-sounding woman's voice is heard asking the guy to stop saving the world for one minute and to give her a hand with something. We pan over to a blonde lady way off on the other side of the house. Small says he'll be right there. "I think you might be my father," Lana says suddenly. The woman calls for her husband again. Potential Papa tells Lana she's made a mistake. "I...have a family now," he says, backing away. He asks Lana not to bother him again. Lana ducks out of there and cries as she goes down the stairs. Now her nose matches her lipstick and eyeshadow.

Kent kitchen. A woman in a white coat is running a swab all along the inside of Clark's mouth as Bo and MamaKent watch. I was thinking along the same lines, but I really can't say it any better than this, courtesy Chicklet0713: "This is weird; we're swabbing the inside of Clark's mouth, but we keep getting Lex Luthor's DNA..." Ethan leaves with the white-coat lady and says he'll let the Kents know about their alien loveboy. Clark starts to talk, but Bo cuts him off. He says they had to do it or they'd have been dragged into court. MamaKent asks what's going to happen when they look at his DNA. "If I even have DNA," Clark says. Bo says they're going to make sure nobody gets to analyze it. In the closed captioning only, Bo tells Clark to give Pete a call.

Metropolis at night! Oh, the pretty lights! This is also where I had to switch recordings, and the station I'm recapping from now had election results across the bottom of the screen. That would be great, but the way they did it was they pushed everything above it off the screen, so I'm seeing everybody with the tops of their heads cut off. Nice, Denver WB2News. Inside a lab, it's all blue fluorescent lighting. Is this a laboratory or a rave? A guard walks by, but Clark and Pete are so wily! They don't even get spotted. Clark somehow knows exactly where to look for his DNA sample in this spooky, blue place. He x-rays through a cabinet. His x-ray vision can pick up handwriting? Clark pries open a steel cabinet and bends it all to hell. Yeah, nobody's gonna notice that tomorrow morning. "Man, this Mission: Impossible stuff is great," Pete says, looking over his shoulder. Clark grabs his sample. Pete says he still doesn't know why Clark brought him along. "I need your spit," Clark says, holding up a tube. Whose spit doesn't Clark need?

Clark walks in to the Kent kitchen. What in the hell is up with MamaKent's breasts? They're huge! Did she steal Boobs McChesty's torso and a tight yellow top? My goodness. Put those away, lady. Clark says that nobody saw them at the lab. Bo says he's sorry. Clark says it's not his fault. Swapping spit with male friends just comes with the territory. Bo says he's going to go work on the combine. After Bo leaves, Clark asks why Dad's still upset. MamaKent says it's been rough on Bo, and that he always said that making a deal with the devil would come back to haunt them. Clark doesn't know what she means. He asks why they needed Papa Luthor in the first place.

Flashback scene! MamaKent talks about what it was like it was having a tiny supertyke in the house. The camera pans from MamaKent now to the bushy-haired kid playing with a toy space rocket. We look back on MamaKent and Bo back then. MamaKent is playing with the kid. Bo says the kid isn't theirs to keep. The kid has a 'fro! MamaKent says she believes the kid was sent to them for a reason -- Lana's magic wand that she thinks granted her wish. Bo is skeptical. She pats Young Clark on the cheek. Just then, there's a knock at the door. MamaKent takes Clark to hide while Bo answer the door. It's Ethan! And he has hair. And big, bushy muttonchops! Ethan says he saw Bo's truck out on the road and wanted to make sure they're all right. Did they hide the other truck in the barn? Bo says they're banged up but fine. Just then, Clark runs into the living room. MamaKent says the kid is strong and got away from her. "Who's the little fella?" Ethan asks. Maybe it's just me, and maybe I'm wrong, but is Ethan turning into the Gunther of Smallville? Because as many problems as I have with Friends, my Gunther love has never waned. Bo starts to introduce the supertyke, and MamaKent makes up the name "Clark" on the spot. They go into a whole made-up spiel about adopting him. MamaKent says she thought her family name would make a good first name. So she was Martha Clark before she married Bo? Ethan says he didn't know they were planning to adopt. Bo says they're private. Ethan congratulates them and says something good came out of all that tragedy. Then he goes off to shave.

Young Clark hugs MamaKent and the camera pans up her body, a red light making her shirt look like it did in the past, then shutting off to reveal the yellow top she's wearing in the present day. We pan past her boobs and the camera almost doesn't fit in the room. MamaKent reiterates that Clark was the one good thing that happened that day. MamaKent says she knew they'd have to back up their story eventually. She says they called Papa Luthor, and he arranged everything for the adoption. Clark asks why they kept it a secret if it all worked out.

Lex walks in wearing his purple shirt and black blazer. MamaKent greets him.

The Barnness of Gayitude. Lex and Clark are walking up the stairs. Lex is holding a basketball. On this show, as in the episode with Ryan, a basketball is meant to convey brotherly love. Lex asks if Clark ever wishes he'd had a big brother to show him some hoop moves. Clark runs behind Lex playfully, takes the ball, and says he thinks he's a pretty good player on his own. Lex says that Molly Dodd came to see him and told him they have some chromosomes in common. His father's. I just shuddered. "Personally, I think I got all the looks in the family," Lex says. That was good for a laugh. Clark says Molly Dodd is not his mother. Lex says he's skeptical too, and told the woman to go get a DNA test if she was so sure. Lex says he hasn't told his dad, but that he put the "extra" in "extramarital," if you know what he means. Lex takes the basketball and shoots it into a box. Lex says it only bothered him because it hurt his mother, but that not every marriage is as perfect as the Kents'. "So what do you think, Clark?" Lex asks, about their possibly being brothers. Ack. My incest filter just rose up and blocked the scene. Clark says that as cool as that would be, they're not brothers. Lex smiles sadly and looks down. It's a wistful, sad Gayest Look of the Episode simply because there's so much love in this barn.

Luthor Manor. Manservant Hop Sing, in his traditional garb, opens the doors, letting Molly Dodd inside. He even nods. As stereotypes go, it's not quite Mr. Wong, but it's close. Papa Luthor, wearing his shades, says that when the guard told him she was there, he didn't believe it. They have a guard now? Where was the guard when all those people came in and either kidnapped Lex, pulled a gun, or otherwise caused havoc in the Luthor hood? Molly Dodd says she just got the DNA test, and she's convinced that Papa Luthor altered it. He asks what she's talking about. "Clark Kent is our son and you know that!" she yells. Papa Luthor takes off his glasses and says she hasn't changed; she's still a crazy-ass beeyatch. She says the only irrational thing she did was let him rip the child from her arms. He says she was well compensated. She asks if money was supposed to make up for seven years in a psychiatric ward. See? Crazy! He says she needed help. She says she needed a home and a family. She says he just threw her away. He asks why she didn't continue treatment. She didn't need it, and he just wanted her out of the way. "Classic denial," Papa Luthor says. She says she's going to expose him. "To whom? My wife is dead," Papa Luthor says, gravely. "You know that." Creepy! He reaches out to touch Molly Dodd's face. He asks if she's still beautiful. "Oh, you were lovely," he says. This is the most magnificent of bastardous moments. He's so bad! He leans in close and whispers into her ear, then kisses it. She is totally losing control. Evil, evil, evil man. As he's kissing ear and cheek, he says she has to move on and forget the past. "If you need help, I'd be happy to call Dr. Fryberg," he whispers. He says the doctor would make room for her at the clinic. The hot Papa Luthor spell is breaking. He touches Molly Dodd's lip with his finger. She goes, "Aaagghhh!" and runs off. That was the best. So, so wrong.