Redux

I know a lot of you are watching because Tom Welling is supposed to be wearing some sort of swimsuit this week. All I can say is, there's more to life than Clark Kent's supple, lean, male-model body, submerged in water, then emerging onto land dripping and loose from his underwater exertions, tiny rivulets of chlorinated water languidly streaking down his chest. (If that caused a visual that blew a circuit in your brain, that's good. We just weeded out the weak.)

And there he is now. The episode starts with Clark Kent diving into pool water. We see him from below the surface and he swims toward us. Steady now...The camera breaks the surface nicely and some boppy arena music is playing as Clark paddles under the camera. It swivels and follows. Pete is in the swim lane to Clark, and he's lagging. Where's your smart remark now, swim boy? There are actually people in bleachers watching these not-particularly-talented swimmers go at it. Clark, I know you're gay and all, but you're no Greg Louganis. Clark and Pete stop at the lane as a whistle blows. A couch with a whistle tells them that Clark and "Turner" -- whoever that is -- are in the final. Pete says he needs a rematch because his foot slipped on the dive, and he lost his rhythm. You let Clark beat you at something involving rhythm? "It's funny. I thought you were just slow," Clark says. Pete breaks the Rule of Trash Talk by laughing at Clark's remark instead of having a Yo Mama comeback ready. Clark gets out of the pool. Brief glimpse of red swim trunks. Not that I was looking.

Bleachers. A blondie in a Smallville High jacket is talking to Lana. "He's a hottie, isn't he?" she asks. Why, yes I am. Oh. She's talking about Clark. Well, fine. Shot of Clark and Pete out of the pool. Clark -- who has last season's lack of a tan -- gets up, grabs a towel, and prepares to dry off. "Who, Clark?" Lana asks, focusing more on the huge, oversized marker she's holding, which is thicker than her waist. Lana tells Perky Girl that she and Clark are just friends. Is that going to be the incantation for the whole season? Clark playfully throws a towel over to Pete as a bunch of red-shorted, bare-chested guys walk by. This is just like that "Schmitts Gay" beer commercial from SNL. Lana asks Perky Girl what she thinks. Shot of a very bland sign that reads, "Spirit Week 2002" in black letters and "Go Crows" in red. Blahna. Perky Girl says it's awesome, adding that she'll ask the principal if they can hang it in the middle of the cafeteria. She's treating Lana like the slow kid at camp with the deformed macaroni art. Lana tells Reese Witherspoon Lite that she's really thrown herself into spirit week. Reese Lite says these are the best times of their lives. Then God help them all. Lana says she's really looking forward to the week. An ox of a teen comes up to Reese Lite and calls her "baby." She gets after him for dripping on her signs. He's the only wet guy with a shirt on. He must have man-boob shame. He says he has another race -- finals -- and needs a good-luck kiss. Reese Lite looks to Lana. "Go. I can finish up here," Lana tells her. With her suck-ass signs. Reese Lite and her himbo go off for a tryst. Lana underlines "Crows" over and over, obsessively.

That "Be Aggressive" song that that listless girl tried to do in the Bring it On audition scene is playing. Isn't that song from, like, five years ago? It wasn't really very aggressive even then. Clark steps up to the diving board. Himbo gets a little kiss, and then walks over to the board, taking off his shirt on the way. This must be Turner. This race is supposed to be to determine who's the fastest in the school. Clark and Himbo Turner get on their marks. They swim. The song continues, unaggressively. Halfway down the lane, Turner goes underwater. The music goes dramatic and people -- including Reese Lite -- yell for help. Turner gasps just above the water then sinks again. "Somebody help him!" Reese yells. Clark goes underwater, then superswims to the boy. Young near-naked bodies tangle underwater. Clark helps the boy out of the water. People stand around and watch. They turn the kid over. Oh, my god. That is soooo funny. It's the old man from Metallica's "Unforgiven" video. Guess he finally made it out of that dank room. We go to opening credits on that disturbing Ensure vitamin drink moment.

How sad it is that Richard Harris was in, like, a thousand movies for decades, and nobody knows what else to call him but "Dumbledore"?

Hot muffins! No, it's not a Lex scene. It's the Kent kitchen. Bo is balancing the old dusty checkbook and eyeing the tiny cow on his tan mug. "Open your mouth," MamaKent says as she comes by with a piece of muffin. The last time Bo took that advice, it became the Great Platitude Flood of 1997. Few in its path survived. "Honey, that's perfect," he tells MamaKent, who has somehow gotten a lot of time off from her new job with Papa Luthor. Let's just say it: this episode was filmed for last season. So no heat-vision, no blind Papa Luthor, no crazy Lana/Clark tension. Bo says they need to come up with a name like "Famous Amos." Clark walks in and suggests, lamely, "Mrs. Kent's" in deference to "Mrs. Field's." How about Fiber Muffs? Clark says this muffin thing is turning into a big-time operation. I have a feeling this little MamaKent Muffin subplot will never come up again. Clark does the thing again where he takes the pan from right out of the oven in his bare hands and carries it to the counter. Yeah, it's not like anyone is dying in the world who might need your help. Just make sure you take care of those hot muffins. MamaKent says that two convenience stores and a retirement home have been added to her client list. Clark eats part of a muffin, which makes me wonder all kinds of things about his super digestive system. Bo sighs and says he doesn't know how they're going to pay the feed bill this month. I've got a crazy idea: why not feed the muffins to the livestock? MamaKent suggests they get an extension on their credit. Bo says he's already asked and got a "no." MamaKent says that her salary from Papa Luthor isn't enough, so what are they gonna do? The line is dubbed in because you don't even see her face when she says it. Instead, we watch Clark drink some milk. No one knows what to do for money. It's not like they have a superbeing in the house who could raise money by lifting lumber or serving as a human tow truck. MamaKent says there is one call they could make: "Maybe we should talk to my father." Bo doesn't like that idea. He walks away. Clark shakes his head and asks why everyone becomes quiet and uncomfortable whenever his "grandad's" name comes up. Clark asks if it's not weird that he's never met the guy. Bo says he's sad Clark hasn't had a chance to connect with Grandpapa, but that there's too much bad blood. The hemoglobin is all screwy and the white blood cells are argumentative. Bo says he has work to do and walks out. MamaKent and Clark exchange a look.

The Talon. Folks are still making spirit signs. Clark walks in carrying a big blue tray of muffins, fresh for the eatin'. Lana tells him to put them on the counter. He asks if she's getting ready for the big Spirit Week bash. Lana says sorta. Nell's been using the projection booth as her own personal storage. Huh? Lana took her non sequitur pills this morning. Lana gets quiet as she takes some photos out of an envelope and looks at them. "What are those?" Clark asks. It's a youngish, Lorelai-looking woman on a picnic blanket with a Bo Duke-looking guy with a reddish beard. "These photos are of my mom and some guy," Lana says. She has the bad habit of airing out her business in front of anyone who'll listen. "Maybe he's an old boyfriend," Clark says. Lana turns a picture around. The date on it is stamped, "7/85." On closer inspection, the guy in the photo looks like a young Anthony Hopkins. And I'm not sure if it's the same lady from the pilot, but the woman looks a lot more like Lana than I remember. Lana says the pictures were taken when her parents were already married. Thum thum THUUUUMMM! "Maybe he was just a friend," Clark suggests. The photo shows that they were pretty cozy friends, if that's the case. Lana says she's sure Clark's right. Lex walks in just then with a black jacket and purplish/grayish shirt. "Right about what?" he asks. Clark brings up the photos. "Oh yeah, they make an attractive couple," Lex says. Lana looks to Clark. Long pause. "...And there could be a million explanations," Lex says. Like, maybe they were shooting a movie and it was the big picnic scene and the nudity was all tastefully done by a very artistic director. Lex asks what Lana thinks it is. She says she doesn't know, but she bets Nell does. It's still a quasi-first-season episode, so Nell doesn't have her new boyfriend to moon all over yet. "Mystery solved. I wish they were all these easy," Lex says. Lex gives Clark a meaningful look. Clark fumbles verbally and says it's late and that they should get to school. Lex offers Clark and Lana a lift. "I've got the first two periods off," Lana says. Then she must have been naughtier recently than we've given her credit for. "Clark?" Lex offers. Clark says he was just going to...run. "Well, I don't think you can outrun my Porsche," Lex says. But can he outrun your little red Corvette? Because, honey, you're much too fast. Lana laughs. Clark raises his eyebrows and tilts his head a little.

On the street near the high school, somebody is closing a yellow metal barrier as Lex's silver Porsche barrels up the street. An older black gentleman with gray hair and a dark suit turns and stands in front of the car. Clark gets out of the passenger seat, having played with the gear shift long enough, and asks what's going on. "I need to get in there," he tells the guy. "Well, you should have been here four minutes ago, mister..." Clark gives his last name. The guy says he noticed in Clark's record that he has a penchant for tardiness. Nobody really says "penchant" anymore, and that's really a shame. "Who exactly are you?" Clark asks. "I'm Mr. Reynolds, your new principal," the guy says. So who was that authoritarian figure in "Red"? A temp? This guy I like, though. He makes me forget all about Principal Lost His Smooth in a Tragic Cow-Tipping-Lantern City Fire. Clark says it's nice to meet him. "Yes..." the new principal says under his breath in a way I love. The Principal -- who I am dubbing "Principal Asskick" -- tells Clark that when the first bell rings, that gate will be locked and won't open until school is out. What about lunch?

Lex gets out of the car and asks Asskick to give Clark "a pass," since Clark was late because of Lex. How does Lex figure that? Also, Lex is wearing these tinted little glasses that are not exactly the most flattering thing he's ever modeled. "Lex Luthor. The Porsche. The attitude," Asskick says. "Somehow I'm not surprised you're involved." Man, this guy hates everything. I bet he blames Lex for the situation with Iraq. Clark didn't know Lex and Reynolds knew each other. Lex reveals that Asskick was headmaster at Excelsior Prep. Excelsior! Asskick goes on about people taking responsibility for their own actions. "It won't happen again," Clark assures the man. "I'm keeping my eye on you, Mr. Kent," Asskick says. And for once on this show, that doesn't sound like a come-on. Reynolds leaves Clark with this thought: "time it happens, automatic detention." "Catch you later, Clark," Lex says. Clark gives Lex a sideways, sly "I'll see you after class, buddy. And bring your hot rod." It is, so early on in the episode, already the Gayest Look of the Episode. To add heat to the flame, Lex tells Asskick, "Spare the rod, spoil the child." With Clark, sparing the rod has never been an issue. Lex says Asskick hasn't changed a bit. "What's , school uniforms?" he asks. Underwear on the outside of your tights? Asskick says he'd like Lex to stay away from his school and his students. Fat chance of that. He's got Old Guy Who Hangs Around the High School Syndrome. Lex tries to reason with the man. He was fourteen when all that Excelsior stuff happened. Lex asks if it isn't petty for Reynolds to hold that grudge. "That's awfully noble, coming from a Luthor," Asskick spits. Lex chuckles and says he's confused. He wants to know what he did wrong. "Goodbye, Lex," Principal Asskick says, thus cementing my admiration for the man. Lex, wearing a long coat, goes back to his car. He's been ASSKICKED!

That new version of "Mickey" is playing as a girl stretches the skin to her eye, looking into a mirror. Did they just raid the entire Bring it On soundtrack for this episode? The girl looking in the mirror is Reese Lite. She seems to be checking for wrinkles. Or one of those awful zits! Principal Asskick visits her at her locker. He introduces himself with a stiff upward arm wave, as if he's Black Frankenstein. She asks if he got her memo about new cheerleading uniforms. He says he's looking into it. He obviously thinks she's the absolute bestest student ever. She says that she wants everyone to have, suitably, the bestest time ever at Spirit Week. Asskick says he admires her enthusiasm. Oh, by the way, he doesn't have a transcript from her old school. Reese Lite says her old guidance counselor was a total ditz. She promises to have her parents send a copy over. After Principal Asskick leaves the scene, she looks after him with a determined, evil look. Evil Reese! Evil Reese!

Wall of Weird. Chloe is hanging up a Smallville Ledger front page with a photo of the dumb jock from before. The headline reads, "Smallville High Swim Champ Dies of Mysterious Causes." It was the finals; was he really a swim champ yet? The headline is split in half, and the second line is half the size of the first line even though it's all one headline. Somebody get Poynter up in this beeyatch. Chloe -- who's wearing a shirt that even hippies would deem too garish -- walks away from the wall as Pete notes that this young man has joined the ranks of unexplained and bizarre Smallville mysteries. Chloe says that the medical report identified the cause of death as "an acute onset of the rapid aging disease Progeria." That's the disease where you suddenly turn into the little bald man on Benny Hill that he would slap on the head repeatedly. Clark -- who is looking through some folders -- says that he thought that was the disease that aged you over the course of ten years, not ten seconds. How does he even know about that disease? Did he learn it from that Ralph Macchio movie? Chloe says that the coroner hasn't figured out whether it is Progeria or some other unexplained thing. Like school spirit sucking the life out of him. ["And since when is the coroner spilling confidential forensic details to Chloe?" -- Wing Chun] Clark changes the subject to needing a hall pass from their new principal. He says it in the whiniest of tones. Chloe says that lots of campuses have closed-campus policies. How's Lana gonna get in after her slave-wage shift at The Talon?

Pete comes in and asks why Clark is so worked up. Because he got ASSKICKED! Clark tells the story of that morning. Pete's amazed that Clark is on the bad-boy list. Bad Boy fuh life, yo. Chloe makes fun of Clark's overreaction. Clark says that Asskick'll probably come after The Torch . Chloe says she did some checking up on Asskick about his views on "the fourth estate." Turns out their principal has been at some fine schools on the East Coast and in Europe, and was supposed to be the new head of the Metropolis Board of Education. But he was dismissed at Excelsior (Excelsior!) and didn't work until he ended up in Smallville. That's a lot of years not to be working. Was he asskicking at McDonald's as a shift manager or something? Clark wonders how he ended up in their town. Chloe assures Clark that just because he ended up there doesn't mean he has some dark, weird past.

Lana is at The Talon. She's digging in a box that has a huge disco ball in it. Because nothing says fun like a disco ball! My God, Lana is the least fun person in the world. She's one of those girls you'd take to an amusement park and she wouldn't want to get any rides and she wouldn't take a bite of your turkey leg because she's be afraid of getting all messy and when you asked her to play Tekken 4 with you at the arcade she'd be all, "No, that's okay, I'll just watch." GAAAAWWDDD! I hate that! Clark walks in and says he came to see if she needed a hand. Lana says she thought Clark was helping his mom all afternoon. Clark picks up the disco box and says his mom's been secretive the last few days. Ew...she's secreting? Lana says, "A Kent, secretive? That's shocking!" Clark says it must have something to do with his grandpa. He says he's only ever seen pictures of the guy from twenty years ago, and that he's a big corporate-lawyer type in Metropolis. As Clark carries the box, disco reflections get all over him, painting him in what looks like his natural habitat. Clark says Grandpa retired to Coast City. When Clark was in the sixth grade, he was going to call the guy. He left a bunch of messages, but got no callback. "Guess he just wasn't interested," Clark says sadly. Lana says she always imagined the Kents as the perfect family. Clark says they're as dysfunctional as anyone else. Clark says he never pressured his parents for the whole story. "Maybe you didn't want to know," Lana says. Clark says maybe it's easier to deal with the image than the truth. Maybe we should end this lame conversation and move on. Lana brings up her own secrets from the past. Because it's all about her. 24/7. All Lana, all the time. Clark says this is Lana's chance to get some answers. She looks like she's just been told she failed her driver's license exam. Nell is suddenly shown standing behind Lana in a strange white top with her hands on her hips. That Nell. She sure is a nasty girl. Lana nods to Clark.

"Lana! The place looks fantastic!" Nell says, after Clark leaves. Lana shows Nell the pictures. "Do you know who he is?" Lana asks. Nell says it must be one of her mom's old boyfriends. One of hundreds? Lana says the photos are from when her parents were married, the year before she was born. So Lana is still sixteen, then. Nell says that Lana's mother loved Lana and her father more than anything in the world. She says mom never would have done anything to hurt either of them. That's it. No explanation. Commercials.

Is it just me, or do those Trivial Pursuit ads seem a little smug and condescending? Like, who are they to make fun of Kato Kaelin? They're fucking Trivial Pursuit. They're one step removed from Boggle.

Kent Farm. A light purple sedan shows up. Who ordered the pimpmobile? A thicker, more heavy-set Jason Robards type gets out and greets MamaKent. It's Grumpy Gramps. MamaKent says she appreciates his making the trip. They hug a little awkwardly as orchestral music plays. Grumpy says he was surprised by her call, and that it must have taken a lot for Bo Duke to take money from him. MamaKent says that Bo doesn't know about the call. Grumpy looks around. He says he imagined the farm differently, but he didn't want this life for her. She had so much potential, top ten in her class, blah blah blah, lawschoolcakes. MamaKent says she never wanted to be a lawyer. Why defend the weak or prosecute criminals when you could be baking muffins? Grumpy won't let it go. He says it's the life Bo Duke chose, and that MamaKent just went along for the ride. Have you ridden in the General Lee, Gramps? No young woman can resist. MamaKent says it's not about Bo. She says Gramps raised an independent daughter, and now he's mad because that's what he got. Gramps says she's going behind he husband's back to ask for money. Just then, Clark walks up. "What's up?" he says. Clark and Gramps regard each other. "Pleased to meet you, sir," Clark says, shaking the man's hand. All he gets is a "Hello, Clark." Grumpy says he'll be at the hotel. He says he'll have a check for MamaKent the morning. Clark asks if Grumpy can stay with them. Grumpy says that's probably not a good idea. "Dinner?" MamaKent shakes her head. Clark suggests one meal as a family. Grumpy declines and exits. MamaKent goes inside. Clark is sad. It's not exactly a new emotion.

Bo Duke is out fixing a tractor. He says he doesn't care if MamaKent talks to her dad, but that he doesn't want to take the guy's money. MamaKent asks whether she was supposed to wait till the bank forecloses on the farm. The cows perk up. Bo says he wished he'd heard about it first. Clark butts in, but Bo tells him he doesn't have to get in the middle of it. Clark calls Bo on his Salt of the Earth card, asking why they can't just get along. Clark asks whether what happened that was so bad. "It can't be any worse than what's in the storm cellar," he says. Dead silence. "Or can it?" Bo says that when he wanted to ask MamaKent to get married, he went to Gramps's office to ask for her hand. He was going to marry her one body part at a time. The response? "I will not let my daughter throw her life away by marrying some hick farmer that couldn't possibly support her." Ha! Even the cows are giggling. Clark says that's harsh. MamaKent explains that that's how corporate lawyers deal with people. That's why they get killed in pitchfork melees so often. Bo says Gramps tried to shove Bo out of his office. "I hit him," Bo says. Bo says he's not proud and tried to apologize. Remember, it was a different time. This was back when Boss Hogg ruled the political scene. Bo says they haven't said a word to each other since. Clark tries reasoning. Bo says Gramps isn't there to make peace; he's there to gloat. Bo tosses a roll of black tape to Clark for no good reason. MamaKent is sad again.

The Talon. "Go Crows!" on the marquee. "You Ugly" is playing as the Smallville High cheerleaders do their routine on the Talon theater stage. Their routine includes a big stand-on-the-shoulder tableau. Some dork hops on stage just as they're finishing. You're no Cliff and this still isn't Bring it On. Lana turns from this monstrosity and sees Lex walking down the aisle toward her, who says he got a message that she wanted to see him. Lana asks a favor: she wants Lex to find out who's in the picture with her mom. Lex says it may be harder to come to terms with whatever he finds out. He proceeds to tell the whole story of Pandora's Box, which Lana, in her lack of schooling, has never heard of. Lex is insinuating that once Lana knows the stuff about her mom, it'll be gloom, doom, and therapy. Lana ignores the warning and asks for any information Lex can get. Stupid Lana.

The Torch. Clark and Chloe greet each other; she warns him that Principal Asskick is coming by for an interview, so Clark might want to make himself scarce for an hour. Clark asks what Chloe's looking at. She brings up her friend "Chad" at the Medical Examiner's office. "The guy with the black fingernail polish and lipstick," Clark says. He would notice. Chloe says it's hard being Smallville's only goth. I really, really, REALLY hope we meet that guy this season. Chloe says she got the coroner's report for the aged jock by lending the guy her eyeliner. ["That's so unhygienic, dude." -- Wing Chun] Clark looks at the report, which says the kid didn't die of Progeria. Chloe says the dead guy's pituitary gland -- which controls the aging process -- was drained, like somebody sucked the youth right out of him. That used to happen to me in Trigonometry class. "Well, that's quite an assumption, Miss Sullivan," says Principal Asskick, who enters the room just then. Chloe stammers that she was just running some scenarios. Asskick says that Chloe should continue, because he likes students who think outside of the box. In fact, he's got a strict no-homeless-students policy. Asskick says he's seen a lot of creativity and insight in The Torch. But, as he walks to the Wall of Weird, he says that many a Pulitzer has sprung from wild theories. "Just make sure you can back them up," he says. Chloe is in love. "Wow," she says. Chloe asks about their interview. Asskick asks for a half-hour. Clark makes to leave and Asskick calls him back. Clark has a little hair-tail. Asskick wants to see Clark in his office.

Office. Asskick has one of those doors with the vertical-striped private detective glass that makes people walking past look like criminals. Clark says he's never been in a principal's office before. Asskick gets right down to business: "I think you're a slacker." Ha! This is the best. He points out that Clark has quit the football team, registered chronic tardiness, has no extracurriculars...Clark says he gets good grades and writes for The Torch on occasion. "Retyping the cafeteria menu isn't exactly writing," Asskick says. I'm loving this asskicking. Asskick says he sees a lot of untapped potential in Clark. Clark whines that he's being judged too quickly. Asskick asks about Lex Luthor. Clark says that Lex is a friend. I'm giggling here. Asskick says that Lex doesn't have friends; as far as Lex is concerned, people are a means to an end. Clark knows all about being Lex's end. Clark sticks up for Lex. Asskick asks Clark about his goals. "I'd like to help people," Clark tells him. Asskick says that's noble, but vague. He asks Clark what he wants to do in five years. Clark doesn't know. Asskick offers to help: he wants Clark to write an essay on the subject. Clark whines again. Asskick says, "This isn't punishment, Mr. Kent. Consider it a challenge." Asskick does the thing where you stand and open the door when you want someone to leave. Clark does. I want them to make big banners for Principal Asskick. Oh, and Clark? ASSKICKED!

Talon. Clark is writing and erasing, deep in his essay challenge. "Let's see...I want to be able to fly. And have an arch-enemy...And I want a nice spandex suit that I can wear under my clothes. Oh, and a little curl hair that comes down on my forehead, all sexy-like. Man, this essay writing is easy!" Reese Lite comes down some stairs and says that Clark is just in time to volunteer for the decorating committee. Clark says he has an essay to finish. She asks what it's about. He tells her. "Who cares about the future?" she asks. Nostradamus. Carnac. Anyone who paid good money for a crystal ball. Reese delivers her manifesto on aging: it sucks. Clark gives her the crazy eyes. When Clark looks away, Reese looks at her hand, which suddenly becomes green and nasty. She hides it when Clark asks if anything's wrong. The dork who wants to be Cliff comes up and says he thinks they have the lighting set up the way Reese Lite wants it. She goes to check it out.

Lex walks in, giving Clark a long, appraising look. He correctly guesses about the five-year essay. Lex says he did the same assignment at Excelsior. (Excelsior!) Clark tells Lex that Asskick doesn't like him. Lex explains that he was a bald fourteen-year-old at an elite prep school. I would imagine that would make one something of a bad-ass. All you'd need are some gnarly tattoos and a wicked nickname, like "Chester the Molester." Lex says he had a major chip on his shoulder. Chip was his boyfriend at the time. Lex says that Asskick motivated him to get over being a spoiled rich kid. Lex says he liked Asskick for that. Clark says that whatever Asskick has against Lex, he's taking out on Clark. "I'm sorry being friends with me comes with such a high price," Lex says. Clark smiles and flutters his eyes. Clark mentions that he doesn't want to go home. They talk about the Gramps situation. Lex says that the best way to resolve something like that is to put the guys in a room together and let them fight it out. "You're saying I should play hardball?" Clark asks. Just. Don't...talk about hard balls around Lex. That's all I ask. Lex says that might be what it takes.

Dance music plays inside the Talon theater. The "Be Aggressive" song is playing again. Ack. Reese Lite thanks Pseudo Cliff for working on the lights. They're perfect. He says it's been a weird week. She says she knows that he and the suddenly old kid were friends. "I really miss him," Not-Cliff says. Reese Lite does a seductive circle around Almost-Cliff. She says something about "the others who will live inside me forever," puts her hand on his face, and kisses him. His eyes open wide. He turns to gray age right before our eyes. Life-sucka!

Commercials, another kind of age-sucking madness.