Are you ready for some bad, bad Clark? He's not as bad as Leroy Brown, granted, but I think you'll find Clark can wear black and raise some fisticuffs with the best of them.
We begin at school with Chloe modeling the new Smallville High class ring. Apparently, everyone has to get the same stone (ruby red) and they get them when they're sophomores. That seems like a bad idea given the drop-out rate these days, but hey, I'm not Josten's. Chloe remarks that nothing says school spirit like the class ring. She immediately complains about the cheapness of the ring, saying they'll be lucky if the glue holds through graduation (which is...how many years away?). Chloe wonders aloud if the stone is actually a ruby. She walks off, her whisper of a sub-plot to be taken up later when it's needed.
"Are you gonna do this?" Pete asks. "I'm here, aren't I?" Clark answers. Are they buying class rings or going to a bordello? Quick aside: My last week living in Germany when I was fifteen, my best friend Karl and I decided to go to this place called "Crazy Sexy." We'd been hearing about it for as long as we'd lived there. It was one of...you know, those places. So we took our backpacks and the logs we carried around (we were big Twin Peaks fans at the time and carried around logs. Oh, stop looking at me like that) and took the bus downtown to go to Crazy Sexy. We walked in and immediately saw a sign that said, "All U.S. non-active duty personnel, we will call the M.P.s (Military Police)." We got superscared and hightailed it out of there, but not before we saw what looked like the lobby of a shabby Motel 6. We also saw a lady poke her head out of a room with a huge feathery hat on her head, and saw another lady walk by wearing a towel. She had the longest neck I've ever seen on a woman. And that's my "Crazy Sexy" story. Pete brings up the issue of Bo Duke telling Clark that $350 is a lot of money to spend on something as useless as a class ring. Listen to your dad, Clark. My class ring is somewhere in a plastic baggie along with my twelve-sided dice collection and senior pictures of people I haven't seen or heard from since graduation. Clark says he earned that money (on the street?) and it's his decision. Pete still thinks Clark's not supposed to buy the ring. Whose side are you on now, Pete? Maybe the Kents should adopt you, ya baby.
Meanwhile Lana, good Samaritan that she is, is leading around a new girl. The new girl has dirty blonde hair, leather pants, and a red bra showing through a black mesh top. She's also got eye makeup applied via putty knife. She's Raccoongirl McMeshtop. Lana gives Raccoongirl the first-day-of-school spiel and our meshy friend asks what people do for fun around there. They used to hang people up in the corn fields, but it's been boring since Jocko Whitney left town. Lana pimps the Talon and then says that she's biased because she owns the place. Lana's the kind of person who, later in life, would hire a clown or a cowboy to do local TV ads for her coffee shop and tell people she's dropping prices on cappuccinos because she's "insane!" "Gee, I'll have to check it out," Raccoongirl says. If I were Lana, I'd start hiding any assorted nuts at the shop in case the girl wants to start foraging for the winter. Raccoongirl spots Clark and Pete at the ring counter and asks Lana about the major "hottie" in the primary colors. Lana tells her it's Clark Kent. Raccoongirl tells Lana she'll get Clark to show her around. Raccoongirl watches Clark, her mouth open a little. She so belongs in a video as Lita Ford's understudy. Clark slips on his ring as the girls watch. Nobody, not even Clark, notices that his veins turn all glowy maroon and the ring lights up when he puts it on. It fades quickly, up his arm. Clark smiles strangely and his eyes get all red. Uh oh. Clark got into Snoop Doggy Dogg's discarded weed stash! Clark's eyes flash orange and he looks like he had a burst of refreshing fruit flavors in his mouth. Pete looks at Clark. "You feelin' all right?" he asks. Clark needs a cigarette. He says he feels great.
The principal walks up behind Lana and Raccoongirl and tells the less chaste of the two that the school has a dress code. The principal is a new guy and hasn't properly been introduced. Oh, I miss Principal Once Upon a Time Was Smooth That I Dreamed of Once in a Lullaby. "Lame and lamer," Raccoongirl says. Huh? Clark chortles at that. The principal asks Clark if he thinks that's funny. "By the way, I'm not changing," the new girl says. Principal asks to see her in his office. Clark stops them. He addresses Mr. Gibbons, the principal. Clark surprises everyone by saying he thinks Raccoongirl is really hot (if you can see past the vortices of her eyes) and that the dress code "sucks." Clark tells the principal to cut the girl some slack. He adds that the principal shouldn't be the one giving fashion advice. Ouch! Remarkably, Clark doesn't get into any trouble for this insubordination. Raccoongirl looks at Clark moonily. Gibbons backs down and tells Raccoongirl to wear something else the day. He's looking at her boobies as he says it. Lana busts in to finish the tour. Like there's anything at the school as interesting as that exchange. Pete comes up to Clark asking where that came from. "I dunno," Clark says. Shot of the two girls walking off, their rounded butts in focus. "But I think I like it," Clark says, smiling. Clark's about to lose control, and I think he does like it.
City! Metropolis at night! A stern-looking older man with gray hair is questioning a younger man sitting in a sports hot tub. He shows a picture of the young man and Raccoongirl at a school dance. Kid says he doesn't know where she is. Old Heavy -- who is revealed to be a federal marshal -- presses further. Long story short: the kid reveals that he heard from her, and that she was somewhere in Kansas. Heavy pulls a gun. And when the kid has spilled his guts, he turns on a boom box then drops it in the water. The kid is fried to a forgettable crisp. I keep trying to warn you guys: alt-crap rock kills. This scene was only to demonstrate that somebody's after Raccoongirl and that this guy's dangerous. Fine. Another week, another pointless death.
Opening credits. Commercials. If anyone actually puts the game "Bejeweled" on my cell phone, you are never going to get my hand off of it. You'll just have to find a way to have me type these recaps with the phone glued to my hand. I hear they're doing wonderful things with speech-recognition typing software these days.
Back at school. (No banner flies atop the Smallville High sign? Someone from the decorating committee must have gotten sacked.) Clark hands Pete a flyer for a place across the county line that doesn't check IDs. Pete says it sounds like a bar. "I knooooow!" Clark exclaims, sounding like a hermaphroditic twelve-year-old. Clark says that Pete's the one who says you have to break the rules to have fun sometimes. Clark suggests they go that weekend. Clark's gonna get his drink on! Pete says that the day Clark Kent breaks the rules, Pete'll be there. Whenever somebody's beating up a kid in a dark alley, he'll be there. Whenever a family's getting cheated for the migrant farm work they did, Pete will be there. Pete is suddenly The Oversoul. Raccoongirl comes up behind them and says that the place Clark wants to go to "rocks." She said she went there on her way into town. She asks if Clark is planning a road trip. She's wearing the biggest belt I've ever seen outside of the WWE. Clark says, "If we do, I'll let you know," in a smooth Mr. Lover voice. He gives her a squinty, Ladies' Man look. It's the Hetero-est Look of the Episode! Raccoongirl forages for a pen from Pete and scribbles her number on Clark's hand. Clark still hasn't wiped that smirk off his face. I'm beginning to wish that was green meteor-rock ink. Orchestral music plays -- as it has a lot more this season, in favor of the usual crap-rock. Pete states the obvious: Raccoongirl was hitting on Clark. Clark says she's "kinda hot." Pete asks if Clark isn't married to Lana in his imagination. Damn, Pete. Why you gotta shackle your best friend down before he's even lost his supervirginity? Speak of the Lana: she comes up, looking like she's about twelve inches tall, and observes that Clark and the new girl are becoming "fast friends." Who even says that? Clark says he was trying to make Raccoongirl welcome. "Don't worry, Lana. I haven't taken my eye off you all day," Clark says. And given that his eyes have the ability to ejaculate, that's all the more disturbing. Lana ignores the remark and asks if they're still having a cram session that night at the Talon. Clark says he'll be there if she's there. Pete ineffectually says that he'll be there, too. Sorry, man. You had your shot at the spotlight last week. No one cares anymore. Lana laugh/scoffs and walks off. She can't handle real testosterone. Pete is impressed by Clark's sudden adoption of the new religion of Mackdaddianism.
The Barnness of Harleytude. Bo Duke is polishing down his motorcycle, introduced for the sole purpose of allowing Clark to ride off with it later, all cool-style. Bo takes obvious pride in this chopper. Motorcycles, tractors -- Bo just likes having a motor between his legs. MamaKent says that as soon as the bike's polished, she gets the first ride. It's so sad that she has to compete against those lusty cows. Bo says yep and that all the others will have to take a number. Too late. They're already branded. Bo asks about Clark. He's late getting home, even with the superspeed. Oh, and there's that superspeed now! Clark bursts in, wearing blue, saying, "Looking for me?" He's not very far from becoming The Great Gazoo. Bo is mad that Clark wasn't there earlier, helping Bo with the garage door. Clark's not Sears, dude. Clark says it'll only take, like, two seconds. Clark flashes his ring around and Bo gets mad because he thought they agreed he wasn't going to buy it. Clark says he thought it was his own decision. Bo says that's because he assumed Clark would make the right decision. What an assy thing to do. Give your son decision-making power only on the condition he does what you want. Bo is like the anti-Dr. Spock. Bo says that the ring cost a lot of money. Clark spins around and whines that he's tired of worrying about every nickel and dime around the farm. MamaKent suggests that she go wash up for dinner. "I'm not hungry," says Clark, the nine-year-old superbeing. Clark says he has chores to do anyway. He superzips out of there. Bo and MamaKent are perplexed. MamaKent suggests that Clark might be going through some teenage rebellion. If he starts listening to The Cure, they're doomed. Bo says he liked dealing with heat-vision better than this. Well, yeah, because heat-vision was all sexual and you got to kiss a hot lady. MamaKent chuckles softly at her man's little joke. Bo says that Clark made a bad decision. MamaKent reminds him that he once spent $500 on a motorcycle against his dad's wishes. "Challenging him is only going to make it worse," she says wisely. Bo is struck dumb. He's been out-platituded.
The Lair o' Lex. Wearing a light blue pullover, Lex walks into what is usually his swank office, only to find a bunch of people moving stuff around and attending to the needs of a blind but magnificent bastard sitting at Lex's desk. Lex says that when he got up that morning (alone?), he was sure that was his office. Papa Luthor -- holding a cane and wearing his dark glasses -- says he's making some changes, and is sure Lex won't mind. He turns to an assistant-looking woman standing to him and chats again with her. Lex says that what he minds is not being consulted. With the help of his cane and the desk, Papa gets up. He says he didn't think he needed his son's permission to make his situation more bearable. Oh poor you. It's not like you don't have enough money to have ten seeing-eye people at your disposal. He leaves the room moaning about his eyesight and dignity. Lex finally says, "Give him whatever he wants." The assistant prepares to go take off her clothes and get the sponge-bath equipment ready.
Creepy old guy at a phone booth. Is it wrong that every time he comes onscreen, I just want to skip through his scenes? Maybe they should have a rule that no one over forty-five is allowed on the show. (Unless Cigarette Smoking Man from The X-Files comes on the show, as rumors are suggesting.) Old Heavy is at a bar. He asks the bartender about a girl. He shows the school dance picture to the solidly built bartender. Old Heavy threatens the 'tender -- he says the girl is under twenty-one and that's just against the law, for her to be in such an establishment. Thick Bartender takes the pic.
The Talon at night. The marquee reads "Monster Movie Marathon." Inside, Pete, Chloe, and Lana are at a table. So Lana shut down the coffee shop just so she'd have a place to study? Or is it after hours? Who the hell knows. There's a knock at the door. Lana answers it. It's Clark in his Old Navy-looking blue shirt. Lana says they're studying the Red Scare for American History class. Clark asks if they can do it tomorrow. Which part of cramming for a test the day does he not understand? He says it's nice outside. He asks Lana if they can go for a drive or go dancing. I so want to see Clark boogie. "Are you asking me on a date?" Lana asks, as if it's the most surprising thing on this or any other world. Clark says he's asking her to have some fun with him. Lana moves her mouth in about a hundred directions and says it's a little unexpected. She's got that same little razor-sharp overtooth thing happening as Clark. She says they really have to study. Clark says that when Lana gets all serious, her nose crinkles up. "It's really sexy," he says, smiling. I've studied the tape and I see no crinkle. Lana gulps and tries not to move her nose in any arousing way. Who knew Clark was a nostril fetishist? Long look exchanged. Lana turns and looks this way and that, trying to examine her own nose, but dammit, it's too close. Clark watches her ass as she goes.
Clark joins the study group. Lana sits down, bending forward in her peasant blouse, but if it's a cleavage contest between her and Chloe, she's really got no chance. Clark sits, turning the chair around so that the back of it hits the table, and straddles the thing. Because he's just that cool. Pete nudges Clark in greeting. "You guys want to go to a bar?" Clark asks. Proving that this is a true TV fantasy, all of them say they have to study and refuse to go drinking. This high school feels like it's in Utah, except even Mormons cut loose once in a while. Clark says this is no fun, and says that the beers will be his treat. When I went to Seattle, they had "Olympia" beer, and here in Texas we've got "Lone Star." What kind of regional beer do they have in Kansas? "Twisted Dorothy Beer: It'll Kick Your Ass, In Toto." Pete asks when Clark came into all this money. "Since I decided there's no percentage in playing poverty," Clark says. Wuh? Chloe offers to get herself a refill, and Clark some decaf. Lana gives her an assist. When they leave, Pete shrugs and smiles. Clark stares at Chloe and Lana at the counter. "Did you know that Chloe has a birthmark on her cheek?" he asks Pete. "No, she doesn't," Pete says absently. "Not that cheek," Clark says. Pete looks up. Because we need clarification and closure on that remark, we zoom in on Chloe's ass. She's wearing a floral dress. Pete asks if Clark is doing what he thinks Clark's doing. Clark just smiles. Pete says that's Chloe Clark is scoping. "Not just Chloe," Clark says. Shot of Lana and Chloe standing side by side. Pete waves his hand over Clark's eyes as if that thought had never occurred to him. Clark asks Pete out again. Pete says the test is half their grade. "Right now I need to do this." I liked it better when Pete was full of incorrigible insouciance. Clark tells Pete to call him when he gets through with Boring 101, and walks out. Ha ha. The joke's on you, Clark! He was actually studying "The Producers Threw Me a Bone for One Episode, But Now It's Back to the Shadows with Me 2033." Pete looks after Clark. Chloe and Lana turn to look, too, not knowing the humiliations that have been visited upon their birthmarks.
Kent Home. Pancakes and sausage cooked in the same skillet. "You're kidding," Bo says into the phone. He's wearing a tan vest over blue checkered flannel. You fashion rogue, you. That's the extent of the conversation on the phone. Bo says it was the credit-card company calling to verify some charges made on their card the night before. I know that any time I deal with financial institutions, the last words of the conversation are always, "You're kidding." Then I hang up. They hear loud rock music coming from outside. The two of them look and see that it's emanating from the barn, which is now adorned with a satellite dish. Clark has been reading his Consumer Reports in opting for a non-cable solution.
The Barnness of Sharper Imageitude. We see a jet ski (huh?) and lots of extension cords. "This is silk!" MamaKent yells, touching a bit of fabric placed haphazardly among the toys. I swear I see a noose in the background. Upstairs, there are flashing police lights from Spencer Gifts and one of those mad-scientist- touching glass balls. There's also a big-screen TV. Clark is playing a football came on a Nintendo GameCube. The folks yell at Clark. "Where did you get all this?" MamaKent asks. "Discount Eddie's in Metropolis," Clark answers. "Open all night!" Clark bellows in the way that Peggy Hill does when she says, "Ho yeah!" Bo tries to turn down the music, which is alt-metal, which is crappy even by Smallville standards. Bo asks whether Clark took their credit cards and bought all this stuff. This is like that bad consumer-protection commercial where the guy buys a house full of stuff and it slowly disappears as he realizes he'll one day have to pay interest on his credit cards. Clark lifts a remote control and turns it off himself. Clark says he figured it was time he had all the same cool stuff everybody else has. Who else has a jet ski in Kansas? "You stole from us," Bo says. Clark says he just used their credit cards and asks what the big deal is. Bo and MamaKent are aghast. Bo is aghast and agassed, as evidenced by his opening-credits fume release. He tells Clark he's going to take all this garbage. Say what you will, Bo, but don't call the GameCube garbage. "Yeah, right," Clark says. "Yeah! Right!" Bo says, mocking his son. He says when that's done, they're going to have a long talk. And not at Circuit City. Bo says they're going to talk about this attitude Clark has developed. Comically, Clark throws on a leather jacket and says that Bo can talk all he wants: "I'm out of here." Clark superspeed-jumps off the barn loft. He climbs onto Bo's motorcycle and revs it on. He puts on some sunglasses. This is hilarious. Overhead shot as Clark drives off. And off. And around the fence and off. This shot goes on waaaay too long. MamaKent puts her hands to her face. Bo hugs her. They're trying to make Clark into James Dean, but it' s more like the Jimmy Dean sausage MamaKent was cooking earlier.
Country road. Raccoongirl is walking along the side of the road, wearing the same pants and twelve-pound belt that she's had on since she arrived in Smallville. Her dad is in a sensible sedan, trying to talk her into putting on some sensible clothes for school. "I just won't go," she says. He says that they can't afford to draw attention to themselves. Raccoongirl sticks out her thumb as Clark approaches on his bike. "Need a ride?" Clark drawls. "Clark?" she asks, her distended belly sticking out. Maybe she needs something to eat, like some rice or grain or something. Dad gets out of the car. "My hero," Raccoongirl says as she puts on a little helmet. Clark speeds off, leaving Dad in their dust.
Alt-rock music comes back with a vengeance as Clark drives up to the school. Everybody parts ways as he approaches and it looks dangerous until it's revealed he's just driving on the sidewalk where people shouldn't be standing anyway. Dozens of Canadian extras watch as Clark approaches. Who is this leather-clad, male-model with the sunglasses and the pouty stare? Is he one of The Strokes? Chloe, Lana, and Pete (the Bore Brigade) watch Clark arrive. "Okay, what planet is that guy from and what did he do with Clark?" Chloe asks. Raccoongirl gets off the bike and thanks Clark for the ride. "Any time," he says, nonchalantly. The Bores approach. Clark says he was just giving Raccoongirl a ride to school. "Say the word and I'll save you the return trip," Clark tells Lana. Much raising of eyebrows among the Bore Brigade. A bell rings. "Catch up with you later," Lana says, and they stroll off. Pete stands by Clark. "Clark Kent, chick magnet. What's wrong with this picture?" Pete says. Um, maybe that you're standing in it? Clark says people change.
Bo pulls up in the big red truck. He tells Clark he wants a word. "Platitude!" Clark says not right now. Bo gets out of the truck. You in trouble now! Bo tells Clark to get in the truck. Clark resists. Bo turns Clark around by the leather jacket shoulder and gives a reason why: "Because I am your father and I told you to get in the truck." This approach never worked for Darth Vader either. "You're not my father," Clark says. Bo is panged. "You never were," Clark continues, and pushes Bo. Bo flies toward the open truck door and hits it roughly with his back. He sits on the ground, breathing hard. Pete takes a second, then goes over to help Bo. Clark doesn't care. Neither do our sponsors.
Bo and MamaKent on the porch. We pan across and -- ACK! Shirtless Bo! Why didn't you warn me? Ack! NOOOOO! I -- heeeeeey! Nice torso, Bo! I had no idea. MamaKent comes over and puts a tiny ice patch on Bo's back. You're gonna need a lot more ice than that, woman. Bo grunts. We get a reverse angle and see Bo's front in all its rough glory. Tom Wopat's got nothing on this. Bo and MamaKent can't believe Clark would do something like this. Bo says that if Clark doesn't want to come home, they can't make him. He puts on his shirt, but not before we see a bit of some love handles. This scene must have totally been in response to that TV Guide "50 Sexiest People on TV" article. MamaKent, American flag flying behind her, says this is a drastic overnight change in Clark. "It's Clark. All his other abilities cropped up overnight," Bo says. Bo laments that these feelings have been boiling up in Clark for a while. Why can't a teenaged boy be simple and docile, like a lovely heifer? Heifer. Now there's an adolescent worth dealing with. MamaKent says that something is seriously wrong. She says maybe Pete could help, and they should talk to him. "We gotta do something," Bo says, and goes inside. He's flashed everyone with his torso outdoors, so his work here is done.
Foamy coffee drink. What is it with the whipped cream on this show? Clark walks in wearing his leather jacket and a green shirt. So, green and black are evil, then? "Lana. We need to talk," Clark says. Lana says she has to get some orders out. "The coffee can wait," Clark says. Kill him! Clark asks if Lana was jealous when he was with Raccoongirl. "Don't be ridiculous," she says, moving her head every which way her neck will allow. She says that Clark can spend time with anyone he wants. Even Renaldo. Clark says he was happy Lana was jealous. Cad. Lana asks what's going on with Clark. He says he's decided to tell her the truth. "About...everything?" she asks. Clark asks what she wants to know. She asks straight away about what happened during the tornado. "We'll get there," Clark says with a smile. Clark says they should concentrate on more important things like... "I've had feelings for you for a long time," he says. He says he knows she's felt that way, too. Clark says they should stop pretending. Lana breaks eye contact and fidgets, asking if this is some new Clark Kent. New, improved! Now with cheating action! Clark takes her tray as she tries to walk off, and sets it on the counter. "That depends," he says. "Do you like him?" He leans in and they kiss as some lovelorn music plays. I never thought they could do it, but this is not a bad kiss. It's sloppy with lips all over the place and teeth showing and...Yow. Open mouths. They keep their eyes closed after the kiss. Lana glups. "Clark. I, um..." She asks about Raccoongirl. "[Raccoongirl] who?" Clark says. Good answer. "You're the one I want to be with," Clark says, touching Lana's face. He walks away immediately, saying he'll pick her up at 8. Lana blinks a few times. She's been superfied!
Talon office. Chloe is holding what looks like something you'd make rave jewelry out of. It's a papier-mâché-looking rock with some red and green specks in it. Chloe tells Pete as he walks in that their "El Cheapo" class rings are fake. Pete tells Chloe there's something wrong with Clark. "More than usual?" she asks. Pete brings up Clark's actions and says the Kents are really worried. He says they think Clark's on drugs or something. "Clark would have to be on drugs to be on drugs," Chloe says. Nancy Reagan should have thought of that slogan in the '80s. Chloe goes back to the rock, saying that the jewelry company was substituting real gemstones for cheap meteor rocks. Chloe adds that a lode of meteorites near Hobbes pond had a red vein going through them. You know what else has a red vein going through it? Heh heh...Heh heh...The Primetime Red Vein Petunia. You may be able to find it in some of your better greenhouses. Pete doesn't need much more of an explanation. He makes the connection with his class ring and Clark, and before you know it, he's doing a Clark Kent, leaving before he can say a word to Chloe. She must get really tired of that.
Kent Home. Pete's explained about the rock and is showing it to the Kents, who have never seen a finer papier-mâché project. Bo asks if that's what's changed Clark's personality. Pete thinks so. "If the green meteor rocks affect Clark physically," MamaKent says, "maybe the red affects him emotionally." She surmises that since the longer he's exposed to green, the sicker he gets, the more he's exposed to red, "God help us all." If he's exposed any longer he's going to turn into Tom Green! Bo wants that damn ring back. MamaKent says that if Clark doesn't want to give it up, they can't force him. None of them can think of a good way to get the ring and destroy it. Why not call Frodo?
Lair of Lex. Clark walks in wearing a long black coat. He says he was looking to shoot some pool, but, "it looks like this establishment's been closed." Lex, who is looking through some folders, says his dad's stay has required some sacrifices. Clark asks why Lex doesn't just throw his father out. Lex turns and sees Clark -- really sees him for what seems like the first time. Oh my. Open-mouthed, Lex looks Clark up from toes to head. Clark is turned around. Lex doesn't need super-vision to get a good look at that ass. Lex continues talking, but he's still staring. Lex squints because really, the pleasure is too much. It is the Gayest Look of the Episode. I think it may be the Gayest Look in all of the cosmos. Oh, yeah. Dialogue. Lex says his dad's blindness changed the situation. Clark says bluntly that just because Papa Luthor is blind, that doesn't mean he has to ruin Lex's life. Lex says he didn't know a $2,000 coat came with a backbone. The closed captioning says "shirt," but I don't think even rich guys pay that much for one black T-shirt. "What's going on?" Lex asks, smiling. Clark smiles right back, batting his eyelashes. Slut. Clark asks if he can borrow the Ferrari. Clark says he has a hot date and he wants to "rock her world." "'Rock her world'?" Lex asks. Yes, exactly. Except Clark actually has the ability to rock the Earth. "Ah, so, Lana at last," Lex says. Clark says he's just following Lex's advice about making a move. Lex says he's glad, but that Lana doesn't seem like the kind of girl to be impressed by a Ferrari. Are you kidding? She's impressed by a cappuccino machine. Clark says money, cars, and fancy homes never hurt Lex, adding that he just wants to make that night special. Lex says he doesn't know: "It's a very expensive piece of machinery, difficult to handle." So's Clark. Clark says it's not like he's going to drive it off a bridge. Nice one. "All you have to ask yourself," Clark says (groan), "is who's more responsible than Clark Kent?" Clark smiles big at Lex. I may be in Vegas soon and when I'm there, if I see Siegfried and Roy, I'm going to go up to them and tell them that something exists on television that is gayer than they are.
Red Ferrari speeding down the road is shown. That's it. It might have even been a commercial for all I know.
Loud, crowded bar. Cowboy hats. Lots of denim. People are the bar drinking shots. Lana and Clark walk in. Clark may out-homo the last scene here with his little black sleeveless shirt. It's like part of the uniform for gay clubbin'. Two guys stop what they're doing at the bar to check out Clark and Lana. It's supposed to be that they're checking her out and Clark gets mad, but the way it's cut, it looks like they're scoping Clark. I kid you not. It's two older, chunky guys -- one bald, the other with close-cropped blonde hair and an orange goatee. They are so looking at Clark's ass. "What are you looking at?" Clark asks. "Clark, I'm fine! I'm fine!" Lana says, busting in. Except this really had nothing to do with her. All they wanted to do was meet in the bathroom later. "Want a beer?" Clark asks. "What?!" Lana exclaims. Oh, right. Beer at a bar. How strange and unwarranted. She asks Clark when he started drinking. He says that if she doesn't want to drink, they should dance. "Clark, this place isn't us," Lana says. Why, because it's fun? Lana wants to go somewhere and talk. Fascinating. "I'll take that dance, Clark," someone says. It's Raccoongirl! We look at her from the feet up. She's wearing fishnets and a red dress. "Whoa," Clark says. Raccoongirl tells Lana she checked out the Talon. "Yeah...that's why I decided to come here," she says. Ooh, burn. Clark even laughs at that. Lana says, "Let's go." Clark, grinning, is pulled at each hand by a different girl. Al Gough wasn't kidding when he said there'd be new dating opportunities this season. "Lana, I'll be right back," Clark says. He goes off to dance with Raccoongirl. Lana breathes out for about twenty seconds.
Sexy music is playing. As Clark and Raccoongirl dance close, the bartender pulls out the photo, which he just happens to have in his shirt pocket. He grabs the phone and calls Animal Control. Raccoongirl asks Clark if he likes Smallville. He says it's the only place he's ever lived. Except, you know, space. She says there's a "big bad world" out there, and somebody ought to show it to him. Lex? Lana stews. Clark and Raccoongirl are about to kiss when Lana comes up and announces that she's leaving. Clark says they just got there. He pulls out some cash and tells Lana to go get them some drinks. Ha! "You're unbelievable!" Lana says. No, he's super. "What happened to telling the truth?" she asks. Wuh? "What happened to 'you can spend time with whoever you want'?" Clark counters. Lana asks if that's the way he wants it. "Sure. There's enough of me to go around," Clark says. Hoo boy. Lana starts to leave. Clark grabs her arm. The two gayboys from before come up and ask if there's a problem. "Not anymore," Lana says, and exits. Clark grabs the two bathroom buddies and tosses them halfway across the dance floor by their shirts. The bartender comes at Clark with a wood bat. Clark uses his heat-vision to set it on fire. Nobody seems to notice his eye goop streams. Bartender comes at Clark with a fist. Clark grabs it, then chokes the guy. Somebody hits Clark from behind with a stool. Clark throws that guy. Did I just change the channel and catch Road House? "Anybody else?" Clark roars with a mad gleam in his eye. I could get used to this Clark. People back away. Raccoongirl says she can't be there when the cops arrive. Clark says they should pack their bags and see that big, bad world. He pulls on her like they're in the middle of a musical for their big exit.
Commercials. Birds of Prey. Boobies in leather.
Back at the farm. MamaKent and Bo ask Clark where he was the night before, as he takes some bags and packs them into the trunk of the Ferrari (which is actually in the front). He says that last night was the best night of his life. Wait...did he get laid? They say they want to help him. He's dressed in black like he's Johnny Cash Jr. Clark asks if their help is doing more chores on the farm for a $20-a-week allowance. He's wearing sunglasses, too. Bastard. Bo says there's something wrong with Clark and it's that ring. Clark says it's pathetic that Bo is still upset about the ring. Bo tries to go to Clark. "You really don't want to touch me," Clark warns. Bo asks Clark just to hand him the ring. MamaKent ruins everything by explaining that the ring changed Clark's personality. Bo helps. Clark says he wishes he'd found it sooner. Clark says they can stay in this mudhole, but he's through being poor. Bo says they might not have nice things -- non-barn bedrooms, toilets, a monkey butler -- but that he didn't think this family was about that. Clark says with his abilities, he can make millions. Sports. TV. Construction! Clark says they've been forcing him to hide who he is. Bo says they've been protecting him so that he wouldn't get taken away. Who's going to take Clark away? It's not like he can't defend himself now. Clark says he's just been another piece of farm equipment. The hoe? Clark speeds of as Bo and MamaKent are literally left in the dust.
House of Lexxin'. Lex, like me, is tapping away at his laptop. Clark busts in like he's Papa Luthor or something and announces that he's going to keep the Ferrari a little while longer. A stock-ticker LED bar has been installed above the door. Clark says he'll send the car back when he gets himself "set up." Lex tells him to slow down, and asks what's going on. Clark lies down on a leather sofa. He says he left home. He says his parents don't understand him. First DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince, now this? Maybe parents really don't understand. Clark says there's nothing left for him in town. "What about Lana?" Lex asks. Clark says she's old news and that he's got a new girl. Who's writing his dialogue, S. E. Hinton? Clark says that Lex is always telling him he needs to find his destiny. Clark says it's sure not in Kansas. "You have no idea what I'm capable of," Clark tells Lex, seriously. Oh dear. Lex is intrigued. "Really? Why don't you fill me in?" Clark gets up and says that when he shows the world what he can do, he'll have everything he's ever wanted. What if everything you ever wanted is right here, in this room? (Cue "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel.) Clark says he'll be richer than Lex. Lex suddenly agrees, saying that maybe Clark's right. Lex says that if Papa Luthor wants the mansion, he can have it. Lex says he didn't want to live there anyway. "You can come with me," Clark says. ("He asked me, he asked me!" Lex squeals in his head.) Lex says he's got the apartment in Metropolis. "Clark Kent and Lex Luthor," Clark says. "I like the sound of that." Oh. Dear. God. This is a joke, right? They're putting me on. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Deep-sea divers have gone to the Titanic of homoerotic subtext and they have unearthed this, the great buried chest. And they opened it. And it's full of riches and rubies and sparkles and rhinestones. It's FAB-ulous! Lex says he's gotta get some stuff from the office, and tells Clark to make himself at home. more so. Even if it doesn't happen that they're going to run away together, just the idea of it. My goodness. I think we all need a little recovery time here...
And I'm better now. Talon. While Clark and Lex are planning their monogrammed towels together, the other potential couple is comparing notes. Chloe comes up to Lana -- who is arranging biscottis or some damn thing -- and asks about Lana's "big date." Lana says it's not a date when your guy leaves with someone else. Chloe says Lana just went from the gossip column to Page One. Of what publication, exactly? Lana doesn't respond, and Chloe apologizes for when her "Glib-o-Meter goes into overdrive." Lana says she was thrown for a loop by New Clark. It's fine. Soon, New Clark will be declared a mistake and they'll go back to the old formula, and we'll be stuck with Clark Kent Classic. Chloe says, "Welcome to the conundrum that is Clark Kent [Classic]." Try saying that five times fast. Someone calls out for coffee from the customer tables. Lana finishes arranging her pastries.
Old Heavy is at a table punching some numbers into his flip phone. Lana pours some coffee for him. Into the phone, he asks for some information based on a license plate he asked someone to run. Yaaaaaawn. "Thanks, you're an angel," he says. Frank back at the office blushes.
Pete is pacing at the lower floor of the Fortress of Barnitude. He asks if this is the right thing to do. Bo places a heavy hand on Pete's shoulder and says they don't have much choice. Pete says there's only one way to stop the unstoppable. Immovable object? Lex shows up in the barn doorway. He's set against some very nice pastoral colors. He asks for Bo. Bo pats Pete on the stomach, and then tells Lex this isn't a good time. Lex says he's heard about the problems with Clark. Bo says he doesn't want to be rude, but that Lex should stay out of the family's problems. Lex says that Clark is his friend and that he doesn't want Clark's relationship with Bo fall apart. How sweet, the lover. Bo says he and Clark can work it out. "Then why is Clark hiding out at the mansion?" Lex asks. Scandal! Bo does a stunned head cock.
Lex Manor. Clark found the pool table and is about to break. In walks Papa Luthor, also dressed all in black. He asks for Lex. Clark breaks and goes over to Papa. He shimmies over and takes off Papa's sunglasses. Papa Luthor says, "Hey!" and starts swinging his cane around. Clark dodges playfully. Clark puts the sunglasses on and tells Lionel to go back to his room: "Better yet, get the hell out." Yeah, go to bed, old man! Clark tells him that nobody in Smallville wants him there. Papa asks his name. Clark tells him. Papa Luthor makes the connection that he's Bo and MamaKent's son, and says he can't believe such salt-of-the-Earth people have raised such a "blatantly aggressive offspring." Clark says that if Papa Luthor likes them so much, they have some free space now they might be willing to rent out. Papa says that Clark has a lot to learn about tact, but adds that Clark speaks his mind and that'll take him far. "Oh, I'm going to the top," Clark says. Yeah, with the red kryptonite, he'll no longer exclusively be a bottom.
Just then, Old Heavy walks in. They just let anybody into this place. There's a whole wing of the mansion where the Al Qaeda are hiding out. All Joe Friday, the Heavy says he's a federal marshal, and that the people at the gate let him in. Without letting Lex or Papa Luthor know someone was coming? Heavy says that Clark was seen leaving the scene (ew, cumbersome dialogue) of a disturbance the night before. Papa chortles and asks if that was when Clark was on his way to the top. Heavy shows a photo of Raccoongirl. Clark says he's never seen her before. Heavy pulls out a gun, cocks it, and points it at Clark. "Is that supposed to scare me?" Clark asks, smiling. Clark superspeeds to Heavy, gets the gun, and points it at him. Now it is Clark who has the upper handgun! "How did you do that?" Heavy asks. Clark backs away, says Heavy has no idea who he's dealing with, then shoots three times into his own hand, leaving only black marks and crushed bullets. Papa looks around, asking who's shooting. Clark says that the guy missed, and drops the shells. Papa goes to call Security. Heavy moves to leave, but Clark is right there. He moves the pool table and pins Heavy against the wall with it. Clark asks why the guy's looking for Raccoongirl. He says it's not the girl. It's her father. He's a corporate whistle-blower and this guy was paid $1 million by the company to get the evidence from Raccoongirl's dad. Computer disks, accounting files. This is so damned boring. This guy just sucks the life out of the room. Clark gets the idea to take the $1 million for himself. "But who needs you?" Clark asks, and thumps the guy lightly on the head, sending him to dreamland.
Nest of the Raccoongirl. There's a knock at the door. Clark is there, brooding. She asks if he's ready to go. He says he's almost ready, and stalks inside. Clark says he knows about her dad and the disks. He says they're not going anywhere until Clark has them. Dangerous looks. Commercials.
Raccoongirl asks why Clark is doing this. "The money," he says, smiling. He says that $1 million is more than enough to make a new start somewhere else. She says that if she gives up the disks, her dad is dead. "He was dead when he started running," someone says. Aw crap, it's Old Heavy. You mean to tell me that he came to, got in his car, and got there right after Clark? Does Old Heavy have a jet pack under his cheap suit? Clark is mad. Old Heavy says he knows the players and how to get the money. He tells Raccoongirl to give them the disks. Gunshot. Old Heavy's been shot! I know I said some things, but da-yum. I guess it's for the best. We see Raccoondad crouching on the stairs, gun in hand. He's a whistle-blower, but he's not bad with a gun, either. Dad comes around and points the gun shakily at Clark. He says he doesn't want to hurt him. He tells Clark to get out. Clark says Raccoondad's just like Bo, always telling him what to do. Clark grabs the gun. He doesn't even need his superspeed to do it. "Where are the disks?" Clark asks. Clark starts taking the place apart, punching holes in cabinets and whatnot. Raccoongirl runs as Clark picks up a TV set and hurls it at her dad. Clark lifts the dad up against the wall. The guy says Clark can take the house apart, but he won't find those disks. Clark figures out that Raccongirl has them.
Raccoongirl of the Corn. She's running between a bunch of neatly arranged stalks. Same old pants and belt, too. Clark is suddenly in front of her. She crashes into him roughly and falls down. Clark rips open her purse and takes out the disks. He says he never realized how easy it would be to get everything he ever wanted. This multimillion dollar company uses neon disks? I guess the dad could have just been color-coordinated at work. Just then, Pete comes up behind Clark. Pete says Papa Luthor heard Clark mention Raccoongirl. "Run!" Pete yells at her. She does. Clark asks how far she's going to get. Clark stares down Pete. Then Bo comes in from the other direction. He's holding a sledgehammer. Stop. Hammer Time! Bo says he's not going to let Clark hurt anyone else. Clark asks if he's scared. Clark says Bo and MamaKent were always afraid of Clark. Bo says they always had nothing but love for Clark. He's got nothin' but love for you baby. (What you got?) He's got nothin' but love for you, baby! (Yeah, whatever.) (Man, I love me some Heavy D.) Bo says that's what makes what he's about to do more difficult. "Pete!" Bo calls. Pete opens up a little treasure chest of green meteor rock. Clark moans, "Pete," and falls to the ground. Bo calls Clark's name. Clark looks up. In cheesy slow motion, Bo rears back, swings his mighty hammer, and brings it down. Clark raises his ring hand in a fist. This is like a boxing match promo. Bo brings the hammer down right on the ring as Clark punches at it. Clang! A Mark 7 Production! Some of the cheesiest CGI I've ever seen sends little computer-animated shards of fake-looking whatever flying. Bad, bad, bad. So the ring was made of cheap stained glass? Everything is still in slow motion. Clark roars and hits the ground. Bo and Pete go to hug him. It's an intervention, tough-love style. "Dad?" Clark says. Bo holds him. "You okay, man?" Pete asks. Bo thanks Pete. Right. Got it.
Luthor Manor. Papa Luthor is wandering down a hallway as people are exiting a room. He asks what's going on. Inside the room, Lex is arranging for things to be taken out. Lex tells Papa he's putting the office back the way it was. Lex offers Papa a drink. Papa takes the huge glass goblet and has a sip. Armagnac, 1963. Papa loves it. It's his favorite. Lex says that, at one time, he thought their taste in brandy was the only thing they had in common. Lex says he was thinking about the months after the meteor shower and how Papa Luthor kept telling him to suck it up and stop feeling sorry for himself for being a bald outcast. "Oh, Lex, not another story about your tortured youth," Papa begins. Yes, let's please avoid that. Lex offers Papa the same advice about his blindness and the self-pity game. "So the son becomes the father," Papa says. Lex says he's through indulging Papa: "If you don't like it, leave." Yeah, man, make like a tree if you don't like it. Papa says he did a better job raising Lex than he thought. Him and HGTV. Papa says that perhaps Lex has learned the value of directness from Clark Kent. Ha! "He's a very interesting young man," Papa says. Having seen what happened with Boobs McChesty, Lex has every right to be worried that another potential mate will be stolen from him. Papa Luthor is holding the three crushed, spent bullets in his hand.
Kent Kitchen. MamaKent is laying out lunch. Clark comes over and says that Raccoongirl and her dad completely cleared out. Now that there's no danger? Clark says he hopes she's all right. Awkward silence. Clark tells Bo that he didn't really mean the things he said and did. Bo says that Clark was affected, but that the feelings came from somewhere. Clark, against piano music, says that not having things does bother him sometimes, but then he remembers what's really important. Clark is happy they stood by him (with a sledgehammer?) no matter what happened. Bo and MamaKent smile and hold hands. Bo says it was a close call. Clark says that when he put the ring on, he felt the urge to tell everyone about his secret. Clark says that the feelings are still there. He has two identities, and he doesn't know which is the real him. MamaKent says the real one is the one who came back to them. Well, she's half right. Clark and Bo and MamaKent all smile at each other. Bo and Clark hold hands.
Lana in a strange purple top, her hair pulled back, riding a horse. Clark walks up to a fence. Clark makes small talk, saying the area is pretty. Clark says he got a little lost, but there he is. He offers some anemic-looking little flowers. For Lex, it's huge tulips, but for Lana, a little sunflower shrub. "Those for me?" Lana asks. Clark says he wanted to apologize and was hoping maybe they could be friends like before. Lana smiles and asks if he thought she'd pretend nothing happened for bringing her flowers. Clark says the stuff that happened recently "wasn't [him]." Like when he had sex with the girl door? "Wasn't me." Like when he had her in the shower? "Wasn't me." She even caught him on camera. "Wasn't me." Lana asks if it wasn't him when he said he had feelings for her. Man, that's a lot of pronouns. Clark falters and says, "Lana..." Lana says he can't have it both ways. "Either it was you, or it wasn't," Lana says. Way to call him on his bullshit. Clark says he wishes he could explain, but he can't. Oasis plays in the background. "The story of your life," Lana says. Clark says he really is sorry. Lana nods. "I know you are. It's not enough anymore," she says. She asks if he can find his way home. Clark looks sad and says he thinks so. Lana gives Clark a look of death, turns, and rides off. Clark is left at the fence. The camera takes to the sky and watches Lana from the front as she rides. Wow. I never thought I'd say this, but go Lana!
week: Somebody's stalking Lana! Did we just go back in time a year?