Re-Pete

S02E03

By Omar G

We open on a woodsy interior, all nice panels and polished floors. Against the flat wall, we see a shadow. Ooh, it's Alfred Hitchcock Presents! Oh, wait...It's actually a much darker person, as evidenced by a hand that comes into frame. It's shaking and twitching. Wait, did they just rerun "Jitters" this week? Creepy music plays as we pan back and see a figure's back as he walks down a corridor. He grabs his own shaky arm with an opposite hand to keep it from getting jittery with it. It's not easy. He struggles and grunts, off in the distance of the long corridor.

Overhead shot of Lex Luthor, bastard-in-training, as he plays on his laptop atop the very nice glass-top desk. What's Lex doing? Well, as Bo might say, those Boys Gone Wild: Spring Break 2002 Edition DVDs aren't just going to order themselves. Somebody walks in to the least secure mansion in all of history. It's Dr. Hamilton! Hey, Dr. H! We sure missed you around here. Hammy says that he thought he and Lex had an arrangement; he's wondering why Lex needed a face-to-face. Why don't you just enjoy Lex's face and stop bitching, huh? Lex notices Hamilton's hand shake, which has taken on Soundgarden "Spoonman" proportions. Lex gives the Dr. a serious stare-down. "You don't look well," he says. Hamilton is shaking like he's going through withdrawal. He's annoyed that Lex pulled him away from his research. He also doesn't like progress reports. Lex says he hears there are some personnel problems at Cadmus Labs. Lex says that everybody quit when Hamilton started throwing lab equipment around. Damned test tubes! Stupid flat Bunsen Burners! Crap-ass electron microscope! Hamilton thought his and Lex's relationship was simple: Lex writes the checks and Hammy has free rein to do his work. Dude, what dream world were you living in? Hamilton Beach? In his super-smooth voice of deal-closing, Lex explains that Hamilton was supposed to be studying meteor rocks, but instead he's opened Lex up to lawsuits, and thus has become a liability. Oh, and your body odor? Funk'dified. Lex says, "I'm afraid we've reached the end of our road together." That is the coolest breakup line ever. Lex says now that he's Grand Poobah of his company, he can't afford to deal with projects that "don't bear fruit." I hope Hammy doesn't get mad and try to show Lex his angry banana. Lex offers the services of a doctor in Metropolis (Dr. Feelgood, the weird hippie guy?) who might be able to help. Hammy says he doesn't need a "doctor," and spits out the word as if it were "Nazi stripper." Hammy does a little song and dance about how Lex is too "myopic" to see his brilliance. He even shakes his bad hand at Lex, and then realizes the folly of his gimp. Hammy leaves. Lex is thinking, "The fuck was that?" But then Lex leans back and gives a long, penetrating glance right through the door.

Country road at night. A big red van is driving along; instead of the usual crap-rock, we hear some rockin' country. Are you ready for some football?! Red Bubba (as they call him on his CB radio) is wolfing down sunflower seeds by the bagful. He spits a bunch of shells out, but the window is rolled up, so he ends up hitting it instead. Hilarity! Red Bubba rolls down the window and tries again. Success! We glanced down to the side of the van; it says, "Ray's Lock & Key." I bet they fix flats, too. I don't care. Poor Ray will always be Red Bubba to me.

SUV driving, too. It's Hamilton, and he looks even worse than he did in Lex's office. Must be all that late-night talk radio. Dr. Laura will shrivel a man up. Hamilton spills a bottle of large, flat pills, then goes scrambling after them, taking his eyes off the road. I don't see this ending well. Hamilton and his vehicle veer all over the road. Red Bubba gets a flash of headlights in his face and, before the two irresistible forces collide, Bubba swerves right. His sweet, sweet van crashes, rolling ass over top and landing in a field of corn. Wait a minute. Field of corn? Uh oh. The car stops after making creamy flats of a few yards of cob. Hamilton has stopped, but another car is approaching. He panics and takes off. The car -- a nice '50s convertible -- is being driven by our own Sneaky Pete. It's your time to shine, Pete. Don't waste it! Pete, who can hear the van's still-blasting horn, looks over the rows and rows of glowing corn. He looks over his shoulder, then bolts into the fray. Er, corn fray.

Inside the van, Bubba is alive, but bleeding from a gash to the head. Pete checks to see if he's all right. Pete notices something illuminated by the headlights. It's a big hunk of metal that's flattened the corn stalks around it. He looks scared and serious, letting the dramatic music take us right into the opening credits.

Elvis is back!

Some alt-crap music is playing, but it's actually not that bad. "It's just an ordinary day. I'm much too strange for this ordinary world," a singer wails, while Clark dribbles a basketball on a dirt road and shoots baskets at a hoop attached to the barn from at least half-court distance. His hair looks almost maroon in the sun. Clark shoots! He superzips to under the basket and when he makes the shot, he's already there to collect his change. He's smiling. Oh, yeah. This is the best. Clark zips back to shoot a second basket when Pete pulls up in his blue Petemobile. Did Pete not see the superspeed? I think Clark is just getting lax with hiding stuff these days. Pete sits up on the seat and tells Clark he's dreaming if he thinks he's going to make a basket from there. Flattery will get you nowhere, Pete. So...it's all...a dream? Like Dallas? Clark asks if Pete wants to play "Horse." I sure hope he's still talking about basketball. Pete tells Clark to forget all that. They need to borrow Bo Duke's truck. Clark asks what's up, but Pete won't tell him. He wants to save it as a surprise.

Music finishes up as we pan down from the sky to the cornfield where Poor Bubba's van is still overturned. Pete and Clark walk past it. Pete amusingly makes dramatic sounds as he parts the stalks and shows Clark the ship. Clark is flattened and floored. He asks where Pete thinks it came from. "Clark, it's a spaceship. What the hell else would it be?" Pete asks, as if he's speaking to classroom full of slow children. Clark says that it could be a specialty aircraft or a downed Russian satellite. Pete says it's way extra-terrestrial. Clark tries to play it off: he says there's probably little green guys running around the cornfields, too. Grasshoppers? Pete asks if Clark's ever seen anything like it. Clark makes a frowny face. He asks Pete if the aliens came to Earth, why they'd go to Smallville. Because of the Talon's world-class cappuccino? Pete mentions cattle mutilations (poor Bo!) and crop circles; he says the aliens would be like kids in a candy store here. Would that make Lex parfait? Pete tries to get Clark to help him lift the ship. I'm still annoyed that the authorities investigating a car accident didn't notice an alien craft four feet over. Clark asks whether Pete's just going to take the ship. Pete cockamamies that he was questioned by the sheriff; he said he couldn't remember where the truck went off the road, but he's sure the cops will be back. Doesn't. Explain. A. Thing. I hear a crow cawing as Pete and Clark start to move the ship. Man, this is boring. Clark offers to take the ship to his house. Pete stops him and says that Bo Duke will take the craft to the authorities. That, or he'll live an entire life in secret, shielding all from the awesome secret in his basement. Pete testily tells Clark that they're taking it to his house. Clark insists. Pete smacks down, reminding Clark that he found the ship, not Clark. Losers weepers, Clark. Clark finally acquiesces and even pretends to struggle to move the heavy ship.

Magnificent Bastard Castle. Lex does what he always does alone: gears up a fresh drink. He's so spoiled he can't even pick up ice cubes with his hand. He has to use tongs. Papa Luthor and a helper walk in. Papa is wielding a blind man's cane and dark glasses. He calls out for Lex, who looks as if he's just the most burdened rich boy in the world. Lex says he wasn't expecting his dad. Papa Luthor brushes off his Asian helper-boy's attempt to take off his coat. That's not what you were doing earlier, sir. "Get out," Papa Luthor tells the poor boy. The time some rich, blind, bearded guy walks into his Ping Pong club in Bangkok, that boy is going to think better about signing on for lifetime servitude. Lex leads his dad over by the elbow, remarking that the doctors say the recovery is going well. As he struggles (overly struggles, I think) to sit down, Papa haltingly says that he's doing so well, he was told to take a break from his physical therapy. Something smells. Oh, yes -- a lie! Papa says the doctor told him that getting away from the stress of Metropolis might help him. This is such a setup for a heartwarming father/son sitcom. Who can we get for this? Alfred Molina? Randy Quaid? Lex asks why Papa Luthor decided to come there. Papa says it was for some father/son bonding. Oh, he means the bonding where they're glued together and locked in a gritty battle for their lives? Papa Luthor takes off his glasses and seems to react to the daylight coming in through the windows. Then he dabs under his eye with a handkerchief. I still say he's faking. Lex asks how long Papa's staying. "A few days. Maybe a week," says Papa Luthor. Lex asks whether the beach house might not be better. The MTV beach house? Yeeeeee-aaaaah! Lex says that the sea air might be invigorating. First, who says "invigorating" except our dads after a jog? And how is salty air going to help somebody's painful, blind eyes? Papa Luthor says he feels like Lex doesn't want him there. Did you see the girl Lex was dating last week? And the farmboy? You're gonna cramp his style! Lex calls his dad "Father" and says he just wants what's best for Papa Luthor. New eyeballs? Lex tells him to stay as long as he likes. Given that Papa Luthor imported the castle himself, stone by stone, that's generous, Lex.

The Talon. Somebody put up an American flag up above it. That doesn't make the coffee taste any better. The sign reads, "OPEN MIKE NIGHT/ GET OUT OF THE SHOWER/ GET INTO THE TALON." Inside it's...ACK! Nasty Nell! I swore I never thought I'd see her again. She's wearing, it looks like, a purple shirt similar to ones we've seen her in before, way back at the start of the first season before she disappeared to speech therapy. Some older-looking dude is kissing her shoulder. Nell's got serious Flushed Neck Syndrome. Lana comes up to their table, and the guy immediately launches into an unwanted suggestion about moving tables away from the counter to make room for more stools. This guy must really be lusting after Nell at that moment to devote so much of his brain to floorplan logistics. Nell tells her Polo-shirted knight in pressed cotton that it's a wonderful suggestion. He looks at his watch and says he has to go. He and Nell kiss. She pulls back before he can tongue away at her cleft palate. He says "bye" to Lana. Nell leans forward, chin on her hand, looking wistfully in love. "Isn't he wonderful?" she asks. "Yeah. He's great," Lana says, unconvincingly. If it's not about Lana, she can't think it's good. Chloe passes Polo Guy (he's the kind of person who will never be a "Polo Man." He'll always be a "Polo Guy") and gives him a weird look. She greets Nell -- who is still lost on the planet Midlife Love -- but then asks about Lana and Chloe's sleepover. The fanfic writers were right! Chloe looks confused, but then recovers and says they didn't study: She says they had a Keanu DVD-a-Thon. Ew. Chloe says that once you get lost in his brown eyes, geometry loses its appeal. Maybe it's the flat, graveyard deadness in those eyes. Nell says she's just glad they had fun. As she leaves, Lana thanks Chloe for covering for her. Because Lana was out all night tomcatting. Or whatever it is that female cats do when they stay out all night. Chloe acknowledges the lameness of her Keanu DVD lie, and Lana fills her in: she was actually out all night because she couldn't stand to be around Nell and her dirty, dirty relationship. Because they're -- gross -- adults. Conveniently, Polo Shirt is an insurance adjuster that Nell met after the tornado. Chloe tells Lana that time she needs to get away from "the love shack," Lana doesn't need to lie about it. Chloe invites Lana to come over, anytime. I know we typically don't pay much attention to the lesbian overtones of the show because we're so fixated on the Clex, but oh, my friends, it do exist.

Oh, hilarious. Pete and Clark are transporting the spaceship on the back of a truck, and it's barely covered by a blue tarp. A big point on it is sticking right out. Very inconspicuous. They pull up to Pete's shed. Inside, as the ship is moved in, Clark says it weighs a ton. Pete says he's going to call Chloe. "Wait, don't," Clark tells him. Pete says it's Chloe's holy grail. I thought that was non-flip hairspray. Clark says she'll write an article about it. Pete says that's the point. He envisions a book, a talk-show run. Hey, maybe they could write a book and then refuse to go on Oprah with it. The best part: a movie deal! Maybe they can get a series on the WB! Clark suggests that they keep it between them until they know more about it. Pete is impatient. He wants to move on it before the driver of the truck tells someone else. Bubba Red's got mad connections and a CB radio. Clark says it might just be a high-tech crop duster. Pete says that Chloe would never let them live it down if that were true. Yes, we all live in fear that Chloe will have a reason to make fun of us for the rest of our lives. Clark says they'd be the subject of her "Eat Crow" column, for sure. A fate worse than death! Pete asks how Clark thinks they might open the ship. Clark hands Pete a flat-edged crowbar and suggests he work on that while Clark goes to look for missing spaceship posters around town. This ain't Signs, that's for sure.

Kents House of Panic. "And where is it now?" Bo Duke asks Clark. MamaKent asks whether Pete's told anyone. Clark says that he convinced Pete to cancel the press conference. "Very funny," Bo says, getting up. Clark is grinning, so that must have actually been a joke. Bo says that they have to get the ship back. Clark asks whether they just plan to steal it. Bo gives him a psychic platitude that says, "Well, it's not going to steal itself, now, is it?" Clark asks what he'll do if Pete asks where it went. "You'll just have to play dumb," Bo says. "Play"? Clark says he doesn't want to lie anymore. Unless it's lying down with Lex. Clark suggests that he just tell Pete the truth. MamaKent says that even trustworthy people can slip. Just look at Linda Tripp. Man, I so trusted her, and she so screwed me over. Damn her. MamaKent says that their secret is a huge burden Pete may not be ready to take on. Like puberty. That sinks in, but Clark still doesn't seem to like it.

Jitterman II...er, I mean, "Dr. Hamilton" is at the strangely lit hospital, talking to a very nerdy-looking doctor with no chin. Dr. Not by the Chin of His Chinny Chin Anything tells Hammy he had a case that seemed up Dr. Hamilton's alley, even though it's not a cellular mutation of the sort Hamilton is usually interested in. Hamilton, still shakin', asks the room number. Dr. Chin Be Not Proud mentions his student loans. Hamilton gives over some cash. Hey, it beats dealing with HMOs. The doctor notices Hamilton's shaky hand. He says he should get that looked at. Hamilton flattens Dr. Fewer Chins Than a Norwegian Phone Book against the wall and asks again for the room number. These Jittermen just get really impatient.

Hospital room. Red Bubba -- who has Harry Knowles's beard if it were trimmed down to -to-nothing -- wakes up from a noise and sees the dark, shadowy figure of Dr. Hamilton. Scary. He was dreaming about the Waffle House. Bubba asks who it is. Hamilton puts forth his doctor name and starts making like he's looking at the patient's chart. He asks how Bubba feels. With his hands? Bubba says he feels like he's been bashed in by a bulldozer. Which he drives on the side, incidentally. Hamilton, whose hand is twitching up a Kansas storm, asks about the spaceship, medical chart be damned. Bubba says he must have been babbling. Or Bubba-ling. Bubba says he's pumped full of morphine. He doesn't even seem happy about it. Hamilton asks who else he talked to. "What's it to you, anyway?" Bubba asks. He's remarkably lucid for having a morphine drip. Hamilton says he saw the impressions on the corn (have you seen Rich Little's impression of the corn? Brilliant!) and knows that something was there, but that it's gone now. Bubba says he should have kept his own mouth shut. Hamilton takes some pills and surmises that Bubba did see something the night before. He leans in to ask, "Who else knows about it?" Bubba reveals that the kid who pulled him out of the truck knows. Except that it was a van that ran off the road and flattened the corn. "Have we met before?" Bubba asks. Hamilton pulls back into the shadows. Bubba figures out that Hamilton ran him off the road. Bubba reaches for the call button. Hamilton throws it away, and as Bubba calls in vain for a nurse, Hamilton pulls out the morphine and pushes the plunger it all the way. Bubba crosses his eyes and dies, comically. Sadly, it's the last we'll see of Bubba. I was hoping for a spinoff: "Bubbas of Prey."

The home of Pete Ross, superfriend. Clark and Bo are doing a clandestine seek 'n steal. They go into the shed where the ship was. But it's empty! The ship's no longer there! It exists, but somewhere else. Clark says that somebody must have gotten there before them. Ya think? Bo says they're not going to find out who tonight. I mean, it's not like they have superpowers to help them investigate the hills, fields, and flatlands or anything. Bo and Clark drive off in the red truck. As they drive off conspicuously, Pete walks out his front door and sees them. He looks mad. He doesn't notice that they're not carrying the ship in the back?

Kent Farm. I hear a cow mooing as Clark walks outside. Pete's waiting for him there, sitting on the hood of his convertible. Clark says he was just going to talk to Pete. "Oh really?" Pete says, smiling. "About the ship..." Clark begins. Pete says that somebody broke in and stole it. "Really?" Clark asks, unconvincingly. "Yeah," Pete says. Pete traps Clark in a lie. "My lips are sealed," Clark says. "You're such a liar," Pete responds. Clark smiles and asks what Pete means. Pete says he saw Clark and Bo driving away from his shed the night before. Pete says he tried to find a logical explanation, since Clark would never do something like that. Clark swears they didn't take the ship. Pete says that, all these years, he thought Clark was his best friend. Well, even Clark has said that he's actually Lex's best friend. Clark asks Pete to wait. "What don't I understand?" Pete asks. "Go ahead, explain it to me, Clark." Clark says nothing. "Really illuminating," Pete says. He plans to tell Chloe about this. He says the headline will be, "The real Clark Kent, exposed." That sounded like a line inserted just for the episode teaser. Pete gets in his car and starts to drive off. He sees Clark standing there in the rearview. Clark thinks for a moment, then his not-at-all-superior intellect takes over. Pete looks in the rearview again. Clark's gone. Now, Clark is in front of his car, stopping it! He's...he's...SUPER! Pete's still gunning the engine, trying to run down his former best friend. Dust flies. "Pete. We need to talk," Clark says.

Ghost Ship! In the ocean, no one can hear you gurgle.

Kent basement. Pete is grilling Clark, asking him if he's even human. "I don't know what I am!" Clark yelps. Okay, substitute "gay" for "alien," and this is a discussion going on in every high-school drama class in America. Clark is neither human nor alien, man nor woman. He's Hedwig! Clark says that all he knows or cares about is in this pissant little town. Pete asks why Clark didn't tell him sooner. Clark says that he wanted to, but that his parents thought it would be too dangerous. Yeah, because nothing dangerous happens to Clark, Chloe, and Pete already on a weekly basis. "You didn't think I could handle it?" Pete asks. "Can you?" Clark asks. Touché. But less French. Pete slowly circles Clark, giving him a huge staredown. Ah, the things we pick up from Lex. Clark is uncomfortable. He says that another reason he didn't say anything was so that that people wouldn't look at him the way Pete's looking at him now. "How is that?" Pete asks. Like he's a freak, Clark says flatly. Clark is the kid from The Sixth Sense all grown up. Clark says he's tried to blend in and be more normal than anyone else. Murders, gay love, and random fires notwithstanding. Clark wants Pete to say something -- even something bad. "It's like I don't even know you," Pete says. Clark says he's the same "kid" (there's that word again from last week) who used to camp out with Pete and play basketball with his "brothers." Pete's adding on, like, a brother a week on this show. "Yeah, right," Pete says. Clark tries to go to him, but Pete waves his arms and says, "Back off, man!" Ouch. That, that right there, hurt. Clark says he would never hurt Pete. "Too late," Pete says, and exits. Aw, manlove.

Another similar-looking dark storage area. This one belongs to Dr. Hammy. He's fiddling under the hood of the spaceship like it's a Honda Accord. He's fondles the flat, octagonal area that's missing a piece. It looks like it's the only removable part on the whole ship. Maybe it's a gas cap. Hamilton start getting all freaky and giggly and touching that octagonal area. "Right there," he says, fingering it. Ew.

Hamilton returns to Lex's office. Lex is uncharacteristically spending time out in his office more these days instead of hanging out with high-school kids. Hamilton says that he's looking for the octagonal disk he found in the field. Lex says he doesn't have it. It disappeared when everything was caved in and Papa Luthor was nearly flattened during the storm. Hamilton pushes stuff around on Lex's desk and makes a pest of himself. "This isn't over!" he calls out as he leaves abruptly. Again, Lex is all, "...the fuck was that?" I would love to see an episode where people just come in and out of Lex's office and he just gets flummoxed every time.

Luthor Manor hallway. Papa Luthor is walking down the hall slowly, cane in hand, arm reaching out toward the wall. You big faker. Hamilton passes Papa, then turns back and makes him a proposition. He tempts Papa with an offer for information, and calls Papa a man of vision. "Apparently, Doctor, you haven't noticed that I am blind," Papa says, dryly. Heh. Hamilton makes a very hard sell. "Don't flatter me," Papa Luthor says. Hamilton says he wants to show Papa Luthor something earth-shattering.

Clark greets Pete at his locker. He says he knows Pete's freaked out. "Don't you think I freak myself out sometimes?" Clark asks, smiling. Pete's not amused. Clark says he has to find that ship. A girl standing behind Pete looks confused and walks off. Clark wants to track down Bubba. Pete changes the subject to the time Clark pretended the ship was heavy, and all the times Clark missed the bus but mysteriously made it to school ahead of Pete. Liar! Liar! Pete's mad that he told Clark all his secrets, but Clark told only lies. You preach it, Pete. Pete's mad that Clark never trusted him. Okay, we get it. Chloe walks up and asks why they didn't tell her about the superhero deal. Her hair has flipped up from last week's flat straightness at attention. Chloe asks about Pete pulling the guy out of the truck. She says that's got Torch exclusive written all over it. Unlike the tornado that almost killed everyone. Chloe asks for an interview. "Maybe later," Pete says. Chloe asks whether his reluctance is part of a conspiracy to cover up a spaceship story. She's heard rumors about Bubba. Clark asks whether she believes that. Chloe says she doesn't, unless Pete can corroborate the story. Pete says, sarcastically, that he saw a ship, and he met an alien, and that alien look a lot like Clark. "I thought aliens were little and green," Chloe says. Pete says things aren't always what you think. He walks off. Chloe asks what's up. "Just guy stuff," Clark says. Burly, manly, sweaty guy stuff. Clark asks if she really buys that UFO stuff, adding that it sounds like an Inquisitor story. Chloe says that if it's true, it's the front page of the Daily Planet. This show exists in the strangest journalistic world ever.

Kent Farm. Clark walks into the kitchen carrying bushels of veggies. "Lex?" he asks. Lex is sitting at the table and says that Clark's mom said it was okay if he came in and waited. She wants to put the finishing touches on another wedding cake soon -- one with two good-looking men on top. Lex, like Lana before, says he just wanted to get out of the mansion. It was getting crowded, he says. "Doesn't it have, like, seventy-five rooms?" Clark asks. Lex says that his dad takes up a lot of space. Clark looks down into his veggies, then looks up at Lex, giving him a cute little "I understand ya, baby mine" look. It is a sweet, pleasant little Gayest Look of the Episode. Clark asks if Papa Luthor is being that difficult. Lex says it's just the opposite: he's being all buddy-buddy. Lex says that his dad has lied to him so many times, it's hard to believe he doesn't have an ulterior motive. Like Steve Forbes when he was running for president with that flat tax rate plan. You just knew something was up. Clark says that Lex could give his dad the benefit of the doubt. Lex makes clear that once he's deceived once, he finds it hard to give someone a second chance. Clark is stunned into silence. Lex asks Clark about the "paperweight" on his desk, and whether Clark's seen it. Clark supports the idea that it got lost and carried away in the tornado. Lex makes an abrupt exit. Clark gulps, but Lex isn't in the room, so it doesn't count.

Hamilton's Lab of Horrors. Papa Luthor is touching the curve of the spaceship. He says that, for all he knows, it could just be a postmodern coffee table. Man, I love me some Papa Luthor. Hammy says that the ship is made of an alloy composed of elements not found on the periodic table. Like Gayonium and Cheesryte. Lionel nods like he knows what Hamilton is talking about. Hamilton says that chemicals in that alloy are present in the meteor rocks. Papa Luthor wants proof. Hamilton lets him finger the flat octagonal hole. That octagon is such a slut. Hamilton has figured out that the octagon piece is a key that will open the ship up and give him the proof he craves like catnip. Papa Luthor says that if Hammy can figure out where that piece is, he just might get his funding. What funding does he need now? Didn't he just find what he was looking for all this time?

The Barnness of Recent Heterotude. Clark walks in on Lana using his telescope to spy on her own house. She tells the truth about wanting to know if it's safe to go home, but she said it in such a way that it sounds like she's totally lying. That's Lana. A conundrum hidden in a fortune cookie, dipped in secret sauce and fried to a golden-bland mystery. Lana tells how she doesn't like Polo Shirt. Clark returns the favor by asking if anyone's resented her for telling the truth. Lana says it happened when she told Jocko Whitney how she felt about their long-distance relationship. I wonder if Clark wanted her to dig a little further back than last week. Clark marvels that Lana really did it: "I didn't think you'd follow through on that." Lana looks annoyed that Clark has so little faith in her. He asks if she and Jocko will be friends again. "Someday," Lana says. Clark talks about his and Pete's problems, but of course, without specifics. Clark says he wishes he could tell her what the fight is about. "Typical," Lana says. Lana points out the absurdity of Clark talking about honesty and then holding back on the details. She's mad that she told personal stuff and Clark won't return the favor. You know what? Clark sucks this week. No wonder everyone's turning on him. Clark spews some flatulence about how some people aren't comfortable opening up. Lana says nobody's comfortable doing that. In her little world, maybe. Lana says that if you care about someone, you owe it to her to be open. Clark turns it around and says she should talk to Nell about her issues with Polo Shirt. "Hiding the truth only keeps people apart," Lana says. Again, she's got nice makeup this week. Clark stops smiling. Lana leaves.

Pete's storage shed at night. Hamilton is taking the place apart. Pete walks in on him. Hamilton shines a light on Pete and asks about the missing piece. "You're the one who stole the spaceship?" Pete asks. Pete recognizes Hamilton. Hammy grabs Pete and throws him flat against the wall. Pete lets slip that the ship belongs to someone much stronger than Hammy. "You know who it belongs to," Hamilton says, all scary and violent now. Pete tries to backtrack. He moves to get away, but Hammy clocks him on the head with the flashlight. Ow. Commercials! More ow!

Kent kitchen at night. Bo's been online (cow porn!) looking at newspaper sites, police sites, even UFO sites, and he can't find anything about the spaceship. He walks in carrying a coffee mug with little cows on it! Seriously! MamaKent fills the mug up, dutifully. Bo talks about Bubba, and how he spoke to Pete before he died. Maybe he told Pete something that could help. Clark says he can't talk to Pete about it. He tells his folks about the fight, and how he revealed his superpowers. Bo freaks out. He tells Clark he could have spoken to them first before blabbing his insouciant lips about it. Clark says he flat-out didn't want to come up with another lie. Worriedly, MamaKent says she hopes Pete at least won't tell anyone else. Clark says he's not sure, since Pete's so upset. The phone rings. It's Pete's parents, looking for Pete.

Talon. The sign outside at night now reads, "Smallville's Best Cappuccino." It's not exactly like watching the clever stuff they put at the beginning of every Simpsons episode. Nasty Nell is at a table with Lana, who is pouring tea out of what looks like a Neti Pot. Nell says it's a wonderful idea for them to do this, since they haven't spent much time alone since the introduction of Polo Shirt into their lives. Lana starts to talk about Dean in flattering terms, "But..." Nell picks up on the vibe and surmises that Lana wanted the damn tables where they are. Nell says she already talked to her beau about Lana being independent. Nell says she wants the three of them to spend more time as a family. "Family," Lana repeats, conjuring up images of runaway meteors. Nell also reveals a mini-bombshell: she and Polo Shirt are getting married! Way to move along the subplot, Nell. Lana doesn't seem entirely thrilled.

Hamilton's anything-but-love shack. Pete is tied up. You know, if I were an S&M expert, I might be able to examine in detail why this show ties people up or pins them down in some way in nearly every episode. Hamilton is on a tear, wanting to know whom the ship belongs to. Pete says he was just fronting with his inflated ego, and doesn't know whom the ship belongs to. Hamilton's hand is doing the hokey-pokey part where you shake it all around. Pete notices and says that Hammy is sick. Pete says he'll go get help. A jitter specialist or something. Hamilton says that even the doctors don't know what's killing him. Hamilton, insanely, says he's going to prove he's not some sideshow freak -- a quack who sells rocks on the side of the road. Maybe instead, he could be the guy who lives in a van down by the river. I think that's a tiny step up, sociologically speaking. Hamilton says that if Pete doesn't tell him what he wants to know, he'll die, too. He slaps his own forehead and then slaps Pete's. Pete looks disgusted.

Stately Luthor Manor. Papa Luthor is sitting in a chair, running a scanner/reader over some Braille or text. It reads, in a female voice, "Hamilton reports finding large concentrations of meteor fragments spread over a large area..." blah blah blah. Lex walks in as measurements are being given in millimeters. "Interesting reading," Lex says. Papa Luthor says he didn't hear Lex come in. Lex is surprised: He'd heard that his dad's other senses were enhanced now that his sight was gone. Faker! Lex says he talked to Papa's doctor. Lex found out that Papa Luthor has been skipping his physical therapy sessions and went AWOL. Papa Luthor says he's felt degraded being poked and prodded by occupational therapists. Papa bitches about that, and about his Braille instructor. Jeez, he certainly is a connoisseur of fine whines. "You want the truth, Lex?" Papa asks. He says he was tired of being treated like an object, an invalid. Lex asks whether a few days of Oedipal mano-a-mano was what he had in mind. "Your analogy is apt, but flawed, Lex," he says. Who talks like that off the top of their head so quickly? "Blind Oedipus was the son, not the father," Papa Luthor says. Well, yeah. But that's not exactly what Lex was saying, ya bastard. Papa Luthor gets up and says he'll go back to Metropolis. Lex asks if the hook-up with Hamilton was coincidental. Papa says he finds Hammy's work intriguing. "He's sick -- possibly delusional," Lex tells him. Papa Luthor tells Lex never to underestimate the value of eccentrics and lunatics. Just look at Australia. Papa Luthor brings up the flat octagon disk Hamilton was looking for. Lex says he doesn't have it. Papa Luthor asks if Lex has taken a look in Hamilton's barn lately. Is that a euphemism? A clock ticks in the background.

Clark and Chloe are walking outside school. He asks if she's seen Pete. Chloe says she hasn't, and that she found something weird: Bubba had a visitor before he flatlined. Dr. Hamilton. "The meteor freak?" Clark asks. Chloe has put it all together, even though she says, "It's not exactly smoking gun..." Clark says he's going to go check out Hamilton. Chloe starts to talk, but when she turns around, Clark is already gone, having superspeeded away in front of dozens of students. Nice.

Hamilton's fun science lab. He pulls out a syringe and takes off the top. "What are you doing?" Pete asks. Hamilton says his spasms are from prolonged exposure to meteor rocks. He says he's going to give Pete a dose of the green stuff, too. He says that what happens to Pete will make his own tremors look like a minor twitch. Pete says he knows nothing. Hammy thinks Pete is lying. Pete, breaking down, says he's got something to say. He grits his teeth. Pete takes a moment. Then he tells Hammy to stick that needle wherever the hell he wants, because he's not telling Hamilton a damn thing. Wow, double minor-expletive. Hamilton hesitates. Then he squirts some gunk out of the needle and holds the needle at a horizontal, flat angle, toward Pete's neck. Suspense! More commercials.

Needle! Neck! We need a hero! Clark busts through the door, Transporter-style, sending wood flying everywhere. "Pete!" he calls. I have a friend from high school named Pete, and a few weeks ago when we visited, he karaoke'd "Sweet Transvestite." We were all yelling out, "Pete Transvestite!" Guess you had to be there. "Put the needle down!" Clark yells. Hamilton says not until Pete tells him what he knows. A kid just busted through your door with superhuman strength and you still don't know whom the ship belongs to? Clark uses his now-finely-honed heat-spurt vision to make the needle very, very hot. Hamilton screams and the needle shatters. If I'm not mistaken, some of that green stuff hit Pete. Clark walks over, punches Hamilton in the gut, and sends him the requisite thirty feet through the air into a bunch of steel barrels. About par for the course. Clark unties Pete, but his hands come across some meteor fragment juice. Clark holds his gnarly hand. Hamilton sees what's going on and comes over. Clark falls on all the pretty lab equipment. Pete asks what's wrong. "I'm allergic to meteor rocks," he moans. Hamilton grabs a whole mason jar of green liquid (maybe it's just lemon-lime Kool-Aid) and threatens to pour it on Clark. "This ship is yours, isn't it?" he asks. "Open it!" Pete grabs a big metal canister and clocks Hamilton on the back. Hamilton falls on his own equipment. He should really have all that stuff on shelves or something. As Hamilton lies on the ground, some green liquid falls on his forehead, creating a flat set of lines on his worrying forehead. As Clark and Pete get up, Hamilton starts to jitter just like Jitterman, and just like in all those Tool videos. As Pete and Clark hug and flail, Pete says they've gotta get out of there. Clark wants to help Hamilton. Pete tries to get close, but Hamilton's shaking abruptly stops. He was shake-n-baked. "It's too late. He's dead. Come on!" Pete says, which is more along the lines of his usual dialogue load per episode. They make tracks.

Later. The ship is safely back in the Kent basement. Pete is there with Clark and the folks. Pete asks if there's anything inside. MamaKent says they always hoped the ship would have some answers inside, but they've never gotten it open. Pete apologizes for going postal. He now understands, and has learned a Valuable Lesson about Clark's secret. Pete says there's still one thing: Pete wants to know why Clark still wanted to save Hamilton after all the mischief he caused. Clark says he can't let anyone die to protect his secret. Except all the krypto-villains, cops, and reporters from all the episodes. Pete thinks on that one. "It's not easy being you, is it?" Pete asks. Clark says he's got his best friend watching his back again. So who's your best friend now, Clark? Bo jumps in, because it wouldn't be a special educational moment without him. He says he's proud of Pete. He hopes Pete realizes what an enormous responsibility this is. It's not really a platitude. It's more of a flatitude. Clark smiles cheesily and says that's his dad's way of saying, "Welcome to the family." Pete smiles. Yay! Happy times.

Hamilton lab. Lex and Papa Luthor show up. Lex is not impressed by the lack of a spaceship. Where did Hamilton's body go? He left nothing, not even a trace of lingering flatulence. "There's nothing here, dad," Lex tells Papa. Papa doesn't want to go just yet. And he tells Lex that he's not going back to Metropolis. The physical therapists will have to come to him. Lex asks if it's because of the mysterious space ship vibes. Papa Luthor touches Lex's face and says it's just to spend more time with his only son. Disturbing. Lex says this could all just be a hoax. Papa says hoax or not, he's not the only one suddenly interested in it.

Hoop dreams. Pete and Clark are shooting hoops outside. Pete asks how fast Clark can superspeed. "Twenty, thirty miles per hour?" Pete asks. "Something like that," Clark tells him. Clark shoots and misses. Pete asks if Clark's ever used his x-ray vision to look through a girl's...he points to his boobies. Clark says he can only do it when he focuses and he doesn't use it to invade people's privacy. Pete asks about the girls' locker room. Clark confesses to having peeked in there once. "That's my boy!" Pete says. Pete asks, when Clark misses again, if he's been holding back on the court. "A little bit," Clark says. Pete tells Clark to show him what he's really got. "I don't think you want to go there, Pete," Clark says. "Bring it on!" Pete responds. Man, I'm all catchphrased out. Clark leaps. Very, very high. He does a windmill dunk from about thirty feet up. He dunks. As impressive as it is, he still looks awfully white up there. The ball bounces back to Pete. "This is gonna be fun," Pete says. Alt-rock music comes up as Pete and Clark continue to play. We pan out on rambunctious boyhood baskets. They should have concrete or flat-top out there or something. I can't imagine how hard it is to dribble on dirt and rocks. And that's it. Pete's part of the inner fold now. Will he ever shut his mouth now that he's been allowed to speak more than two lines at a time?

week: Clark goes bad, like milk, and wears black.