Heat

Somebody from the WB must have a bug installed in our forums, because damned if this episode isn't exactly like the kind of talk that goes on in there. People get their desire on, superhormones are charged and flying around like a co-ed high school production of HBO's Oz, and even the staid Kents get to do like Salt 'n Pepa and talk about sex, baby. I don't know if it's art, but I do know that I like it.

All the banners at Smallville High must be stuck at the dry cleaner, because the only one sitting at the front of the school today reads simply, "Welcome back!" in red letters against a yellow background. Welcome back from where? It seems an entire summer has passed since just last week, when a tornado ripped up hearts and trucks alike. The first thing we see inside the school is Clark, talking directly into a camera that somebody's holding. I guess I just never noticed it before, but Clark's got major Salem's Lot teeth. For some reason, he's moving around a lot as the hand-held cam follows him and his big red sweater. A "REC" signal at the top right continues to flash as Clark greets Jocko Whitney, that blond Adonis who left for the Marines last season. I'm wondering if maybe somebody issued a Code Red at Guantanamo Bay and Jocko got the snot beat out of him by his fellow troops. I suppose we won't know for a few more episodes, which is fine because I'm not sure I could handle the truth. Clark mumbles about it being warm where Jocko is and then backtracks and says that what he's saying sucks.

We back away to a traditional camera view and see Lana, holding her recorder, telling Clark to just say what he feels. What if he feels like eating a Mounds? Because sometimes you just feel like a nut. Sometimes you don't. Pete walks up, wearing a backpack in a way wholly inappropriate for a teen. You're supposed to have it slung coolly over one shoulder, Pete, not strapped tightly to you like you're hiking the Adirondacks. Pete asks what's with Clark Kent, "movie star." Clark explains that Lana is putting together a video letter for Jocko. "I thought it was the least I could do," Lana says. Lana's right. It is the very least. Pete tells Clark to watch how the pros do it. He smoothly explains that the town is rebuilding after the storm, that the first week of school is a bear (bear?! Where!?!), and that the town is suffering from its worst heat wave in twenty-five years. I live in Texas, where it gets so hot you can fry an egg on an ice cube's ass. I have no sympathy to give. Pete bottom-lines: Stay safe, come home soon. (Or never. Whichever works for the show.) He adds that the football team is toast without Jocko on offense. And on defense? Totally scones. Lana laughs, shuts off her camera, and says that was perfect. She's wearing a new necklace, and her makeup doesn't look all shoveled on like it did the first season. Don't hate me, but Lana looks good -- and not in an unearthly, Crossing Over sort of way. "Yeah, super," Clark says. I groan. Pete walks off, telling Clark not to choke this time. He means with Lana, of course, although the line made me think of Lex Luthor. Lana asks whether Clark wants to give the video another try. They agree that Clark will give it another shot at the Talon later, perhaps over a wildly overpriced latte.

Lana walks off, and Clark stares after her. Chloe comes up and snarkily says, "Good to see some things never change." Bitter? Yeah. Bit him, too. Hee, I love that joke. "Chloe!" Clark exclaims, and gives her an awkward, tall-guy, short-girl hug. Don't they walk to school together anymore? Why is he just seeing her for the first time? Chloe hugs back, her eyes full of remorse, regret, and longing. Or maybe it's just eye shadow. Chloe -- who is showing off some Chloeavage again and has brought her flippy hair down to a flat fall -- mentions her wild summer as a Daily Planet intern. I'll say it again: newspapers hardly ever hire freshmen as interns. Especially high-school interns. Most are set up for college juniors and seniors with an eye toward possible hiring. I don't think anyone's quite figured out how old these "students" are supposed to be. Just then, some old guy in a green shirt randomly walks by in the background. I thought this was a teacherless school. Clark says he'd heard from Pete that Chloe was a big hit and that he thought they'd lost her for good. Chloe says that her dad decided to come back and give "Lexcorp" another shot. Clark touches Chloe on the upper arm, and then puts an arm around her, saying he really missed her. So what happened between Clark and Lana over the summer? We don't get any of that gossip? Chloe complains about the number of emails Clark didn't send her. Oh, man, I hate it when Chloe is all needy and clingy. She's better when she just don't give a fuck. Clark blames the farm. Yeah, and the four minutes it takes him to do all his chores every day. Where did all that summer time go? Was Clark building a space station or something? Clark says he wants to hear all of Chloe's stories. She strangely says there were no stories (yeah fucking right -- just like there was no news in that huge tornado), but that she did meet a really hot boy intern from Metropolis High. Was his name Jimmy Olson? Because I hear he might be gay. Chloe backs away, saying that this boy made her forget all about Smallville. By the way, everyone in this episode is covered by a shiny sheen of perspiration throughout. Even Clark, which means that aliens haven't figured out how to beat sweat, either. Some alt-crap music that I didn't even realize was playing is turned up. Chloe walks off, but looks back needily as she goes. Spine, girl! Grow one!

A school bell transitions us into a classroom of the science variety. A classroom? In Smallville High? Well, I just never thought I'd see the day. Clark and Sneaky Pete walk in; Pete's already bitching that Mrs. Kowalski, a supposed teacher, is an old lady who's going to show them an ancient sex film. I imagine those old, brown, grainy prints that look like Nine Inch Nails's "Closer" video. Clark says, "Who told you that? Your brother?" Pete has a brother? That we've never seen or heard about? I'll bet he becomes a Krypto-mutant in a future episode. Pete says his dad told him. Clark says he's sure it can't be that bad.

Just then, they start playing Nelly's "Hot in Herre" song (yes, that's the way it's spelled, dammit. I don't like that either). I totally called it last week! A woman who looks like she's wearing a tiny lavender slip walks in, all arching her back and trying to show off her boobies and cheeks like she's Mariah Carey and the room is full of rappers. She says her name is Miss Atkins and that she'll be the new Biology teacher. Pete looks like he's going to piss himself. Or worse. Chloe raises her eyebrows, wondering what more indignities she's going to suffer in this episode at the hands of another non-blonde competitor. Hot For Teacher pulls down a screen, and when she bends over, we totally see her lower ass cheekage. It doesn't look like she's wearing panties. Because I am weak, I leave it freeze-framed for about a week. Clark stumbles forward as if her ass were a kryptonite heartrock. Lana blinks a few times, and we see that she's sitting to Chloe. Atkins apologizes for the lack of air conditioning, but not for the heat running in all her male students' now-tented pants. (Except Clark's, of course.) Atkins says that the students will just have to suffer through the heat with her. "Bring on the pain," Pete says, and he sure means it. Lana giggles for no reason. Teacher of the Year draws the shades. She asks everyone to try to stay awake. This is so a Whitesnake video.

Rickety projector. Things get really nasty from here on in. You've been warned. We hear the Voice of Narration talk about the birds and the bees of nature while we pan across and see sweaty Chloe and SweatLana leaning toward each other. Okay, now it's an Aerosmith video. Chloe's chloeavage is totally hanging out, by the way. Not that I was looking. We cut jarringly to a lion mounting another lion. Dude, they're totally having sex! I really didn't think you could show mammals having sex like that on TV, except on nature shows or on dirty, the-characters-are-having-sex montages in sleazy comedies. Clark isn't interested in mammals. Too hairy. He likes his sex objects bald, thank you very much. He does a little turn around and watches the teach, who is sticking her chest out as she leans back and has her little dress flapping in the air of the fan. The camera pans down to her glistening legs as she raises one of them and rubs it, very Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. Clark is sweating. He's impervious to all forms of extreme heat and cold, but he's sweating from a little August weather? Of course. Teacher of the Rear notices Clark and points toward the screen. If her lips were any poutier, they'd be in the room. Chloe caught this whole exchange. She smiles in disbelief then scoffs loudly. Ooh, antelopes! Clark turns around again as the narrator gets all hot and steamy about pheromones and glands. That reminds me of how my friend Mical and I are always saying there's a "vas deferens" between two unrelated things. Wow. Totally gratuitous shot of Teacher of the Queer's chest as sweat runs down from her neck. I, um...I gotta...I'll be right back. (Five minutes later.) Okay! How's everyone doing? Still with me? Good. So, anyway, this teacher -- who is totally not as attractive as she seemed only minutes ago -- is still sweating. Because I haven't unpaused yet. When I do, the camera zooms in on Clark's eyes, which seem to have taken on a yellow pupil color. And then...oh, man, I need a new paragraph if I'm going to deal with this....

Clark shoots clear, ejaculate-looking beams from his eyes. Seriously. And they hit the screen, which is showing a bunch of sperms doing the watery mambo around a fertilized egg. This is such a Spider-Man moment. Ew! More beams, only they come out in liquidy spurts. They hit the screen, which catches fire because...you know, sperm is kinda warm, if you didn't know. In Clark's case, it's positively molten. Nobody seems to have noticed that these beams originated from Clark. The students all get up and run as the screen is on fire. The teacher tells everyone to walk, not run, and to leave their books. Clark gets up last. He looks at the screen, perplexed. You're officially a Superman, now Clark.

Opening credits. I really want them to add that shooting-sperms bit to the opening season.

Outside. A fire truck has arrived, possibly to shoot Clark for its charity calendar. People are gathered around. Sirens. A honking silver Lamborghini shows up as Pete and Clark were just standing around. "Leeeex!" Clark purrs giddily. He has an important development to share. "I came as soon as I heard," Lex says, jogging as soon as he gets out of the car, neglecting even to shut the door. Of course you came, Lex. Of course you did. Lex runs right past the smiling Clark to go hug that reverse Lolita teacher. They hug. Clark is devastated. Teacher tells Lex that Clark was the only person who didn't panic and who kept a cool head. The less said about Clark's cooling head after his little spurt, the better. She says that Clark even put the fire out, which we didn't get to see. "Why am I not surprised?" Lex says. Lex is grateful. Clark is confused. Lex introduces the teacher as Desiree Atkins, his fiance. Clark's face fills with sadness, confusion, and hatred. It is the dark side of the Gayest Look of the Episode. Jealousy? You're soaking in it, Clark. Teacher goes back inside.

"Fiance, huh?" Clark asks, completely probing, but not in the way he'd like most. Clark says he didn't even know Lex was seeing anyone. Lex says he's never been more sure of anything in his life. Lex pulls a small envelope out of his pockety and says he was going to have it messengered, but will hand it over instead. It's a wedding invite. For a wedding this very night. Jeez, Lex. Ever heard of the telephone? Miss Manners would have your head on a platter for this. Lex says he knows it's short notice, but he wants Clark to be his best man. When is Clark not Lex's best man? Clark reluctantly agrees. Lex pats Clark on the shoulder and goes back to his car. It looks like it's going to rain, but since they just had a tornado last week, the show decides to just move on instead. Perhaps they'll re-enact the "November Rain" video at the wedding.

Returned-to-a-State-of- Stateliness-After-the-Tornado Luthor Manor. "Oh, a wedding present from your father," we hear a woman say. She's holding a form that says, "Prenuptial Agreement" in about 200-point font. Hey, I'm no lawyer or anything, but no. It's Object of Desiree, and she asks Lex if he wants her to sign it. Lex says that if she doesn't, his father could disinherit him. "Fine. I'll sign it," she all but moans. She says it's going to cost Lex a kiss. Well, sure, I don't see how that...ooooohhhh. They kiss, and some pink smoky stuff comes out of her mouth and goes into Lex's. It's those damned pheromones! It would be nice if they also time-released a minty burst of retsyn. Desiree says she'd really rather not sign those papers on their wedding day. I guess she wants post-post-nuptial papers instead. Lex says she's the best thing that's ever happened to him (in this episode), and he tears up the contract.

Speaking of suspect vows, here are MamaKent and Bo Duke in the kitchen of Kent Farm. (Slogan: "You should be eating all that zucchini.") MamaKent is looking through bills with a fan spraying tinsel and air toward her. "Hoo!" Bo yells as he comes in. MamaKent wants to know why they don't have air conditioning. "Electric bill," Bo says. MamaKent gives him a Death Look. Clark walks in, interrupting their playful banter. He tells them about the fire. He also reveals the awful truth: that he may have started it. Yes, it's true. He may be an Ejacupyromaniac. Why is Bo sporting Homer Simpson's stubble? Clark says his eyes felt hot and the spot he was staring at burst into flames. So how is this different than what happens whenever Clark looks at Lex? MamaKent is incredulous. "Hello?" Clark whines amusingly, "Hi, I'm Clark, the kid who can lift up tractors and see through walls." They press him further, and he has to explain what was happening when his eyes did the big spurt. When the words "sex educational film" come up everything stops and MamaKent and Bo are a little stunned. I really like this scene. "This could get very complicated," Bo says. Yeah, tell that to our forum posters. MamaKent says it may be hormones. Clark whines that he's maturing into a firestarter. Yeah, maybe someday he can be a coach in a crappy episode like "Hothead." Bo says they just have to get a handle on this ability. Clark points out, pointedly, that his other abilities don't make things burst into flames. No, that's just natural charisma. MamaKent advises Clark to stay home and work on the problem. And when he's in the bathroom, he can say he's combing his hair.

We cut to a champagne bottle being opened and the liquid shooting out in a gust. Okay, look, people. I am not making this stuff up. What am I supposed to do with that, huh? You've actually got me worried that I'm going to offend Wing Chun with all this and that she's going to thing I'm making the show more sexual than it is. For once, I'm not! ["Yes, I'll have to get in five extra hours of Bible study this week to make up for offending God with what I'm reading here." -- Wing Chun] We cut to Lex and his new bride as they cut their wedding cake. She had to work on her wedding day? We pan down; there's some CGI splicing going on. Lex's castle is made to look like it's looming above an outdoor party area. Desiree sucks cake off Lex's finger, then he puts the finger in his own mouth. The laughs just keep on coming. Clark stands in the background holding a champagne glass and looking disappointed. He spots Chloe, who is wearing a truly strange outfit that would not have looked out of place on Pat Benatar, circa 1982. They make small talk. Clark says that Chloe's been a little distant and asks if things are fine between them. She says things are "hunky dory." Clark says there's definitely something wrong since the only person who uses that phrase is his father. Chloe spouts off about how she let her emotions get to her, but now she's all better with their decision. Her spunkometer is back in its proper alignment after last week's depress-fest. Oh, and sorry to use the word "spunk" again in a recap that is already full of it. "I can't believe Lex is married," Chloe adds, steering the conversation toward safer shores. Chloe says that love isn't always logical and that maybe they have the right pheromones. Clark looks confused. "Chemistry, Clark," she says. "Some people have it and some people don't." Chloe walks away, her zinger firmly in place.

We pan over to the bride, who is being photographed. Lex catches Clark staring, but as Clark tries to explain, Lex says it's all right; he knows she's a hottie. Something is casting strange pool-like light on everybody's face. Clark says he was "shell-shocked" at how sudden the wedding was. He also mentions that his mom put the finishing touches on the wedding cake. She couldn't have actually made the cake in two hours, right? So, I'll give the writers credit and just assume "finishing touches" means a frosting flower here and there. Lex tells how he met Desiree at a business convention and that she told Lex she'd come to save him. ["What's a high-school Bio teacher doing at 'a business convention'?" -- Wing Chun] Now Clark is really jealous. Lex says that as the night wore on, he saw her as different than the hos who just want his money or fame. Lex stares at Clark and says that, at some point, you just know when something is right.

Shot of Lana standing by herself, rubbing her neck in some sort of strange "I'm one hot kitten" pose. She doesn't look attractive in that pose; she just looks like she's got a rash or something. We cut again to see Clark watching her.

The Talon at night. Clark is making his video greeting for Jocko. It's awkward. He talks about football, mostly. "I haven't forgotten what we talked about, so don't worry," Clark says, and concludes by wishing Jocko a safe return. Heh. Heh heh. I doubt it, dude. Lana puts away the camera and asks what Jocko and Clark talked about before Jocko joined the Marines. Clark says that Jocko wanted him to keep an eye on Lana. Lana turns, pissed. "Not that he doesn't trust you," Clark stammers. Lana says it's hot and that she's going to make an iced coffee. How do these teenagers ever sleep with all the coffee they drink? I swear, the WB probably needs an entire South American country alone to keep its coffee pots filled. Lana says that one perk of managing the Talon is twenty-four-hour access to the cappuccino machine. Because you never know when you'll need one at 4:43 AM. Clark asks what Lana said in her message to Jocko. She says she started several times, but hasn't figured out what to say. Clark says it must be difficult to be in a long-term relationship. Lana says it's hard putting your life on hold. And hard putting on makeup by yourself. (Although to give credit, her makeup looks MUCH better this season.) Lana says that Jocko has emailed her (I bet he's really good with the email), and that he's having a tough time. She says he needs someone he can count on. Lana says that she has Clark to keep an eye on her. Clark apologizes for not being around much this summer; he says the farm's been a disaster since the storm. Lana says they're all finding their way back from the storm. "Except Lex," Clark says moodily. Lana points out the weirdness in Lex's quick marriage. She does think it's romantic. "Lex makes it seem easy," Clark says. I giggle at the enormity of that. Lana suggests that maybe it is easy, acting on passion and not holding back. Lana says she wonders if they'll ever be able to do the same. This is the part where even the dorkiest of guys would go in for the kiss. It's all but engraved on an invitation. Clark becomes visibly excited. He starts to blink really hard. He gets up quickly and says he's not feeling so well. Lana feels his forehead and says he's burning up. Man, first the necklace, now this. Clark is never getting laid. Clark turns around and spurts from his eyes all over the coffee machine. It catches fire. Lana screams. Clark sprays more fire, like he's Cyclops or something. He sets a whole wall on fire. Of course Lana sees none of this. She calls 911.

The Barnness of Shameitude. Bo asks what Clark is doing sulking. Our little pornopyro says he's not going to school. Still no alt-crap rock music since the beginning of the show. Things are looking up. Clark tells Bo about the Talon. He says that the fire department said the fire looked suspicious. Clark is freaking out. He's worried he might have hurt Lana. Bo, for once, isn't overreacting. He puts his hands on his son's shoulders and neck. He says he thinks he has an idea of what's triggering this thing. Poontang?

Cut to outside. Clark drives a big post into the ground; the post holds up a scarecrow, complete with jeans and a shirt. That new mix of Elvis's "A Little Less Conversation" plays. Bo tells Clark to practice. Clark says he thought they were trying to stop the fires. "Well, in order to find the off switch, first we need to find the on switch, right?" Bo says. That was a little platitude he picked up from the local electricians' union. Bo stands right to Clark and tells him to think about what he thought when the first fire happened. Ew, Bo is totally leaning on Clark and they're touching. Clark starts to say it might be easier if he were... "Alone," Bo finishes, and agrees. Heh. Bo is having way too much fun with this. Clark focuses on the scarecrow. Did it really need a hat and kerchief? Zoom in on Clark. "Lana," Clark says. He sets the scarecrow on fire. Clark smiles and looks proud. Bo looks over and laughs, too. Did I mention that Bo is disturbingly interested in this?

Jiffy Pop! Clark is making that popcorn fly inside the tinfoil container. "Five scarecrows, two water barrels, and our mailbox later..." Bo says. Clark says that once he figured out how to trigger the fires, he could do it without thinking about...sex. Aw, no fun. The popcorn suddenly explodes in a burst of orgasmic Orville Redenbachianism. "You sure about that, son?" Bo says. Man, this is the silliest episode ever. Clark says that the time he has a date (when?), he'll be able to go without setting his date on fire. Suddenly, Clark is Mr. Confident. MamaKent still looks worried. Maybe she's worried Clark will have an Oedipal dream and she'll end up a charcoal briquette.

Barn. Clark is lighting dark blue and red candles one by one. With his eyes! "You in here, Clark?" a woman says. It's Desiree, the teacher with the derriere. She says it's hot for all those candles. Clark is surprised. He calls her "Mrs. Luthor." Wearing a hot red number, Desiree says that's only at school. She says she saw the light on in the barn, and nobody was at the house. Clark says his parents went into town. Dum dum DUUUUUM! All the fanfic writers are checking their copyrights right now. Desiree says she came to see Clark. "Really?" Clark asks. She says that most girls like older men, but that she likes younger guys. She walks over to him and says that what they lack in experience, they make up for in passion. And baseball cards. She says she saw Clark staring at her in class. He stumbles back and falls to a sitting position. She says she was flattered, and wants to work on their student-teacher relations. Heh. "Relations." She puts her hand (with the huge ring on her finger) on Clark's shoulder. He mentions that she's married to his best friend. I thought Pete was Clark's best friend. Damned alien traitor. Desiree opens her mouth a little, and her pink pheromones come out and into Clark's mouth. She leans back like she's going to go south, but instead moves forward and tries to kiss Clark. He avoids her like cooties and wriggles away. Clark says that Lex is his best friend, and Clark's not going to hurt him. Desiree apologizes and asks Clark not to tell Lex. She leaves.

School. The Torch. Chloe and Clark are looking at a computer screen showing a picture of Miss Thang. She doesn't look quite as cute, and she apparently changed her name. You mean "Desiree" isn't her real name? I'm heartbroken. Clark asks Chloe what she'd say if he told her that Alison Sanders (Desiree's real, less strippery, name) came to his loft and tried to seduce him. Aw, how cute. Clark fell asleep with the Penthouse Forum draped across his chest again. Chloe says words to that effect. Chloe asks why Desiree would possibly be interested in Clark. "Thanks," Clark answers. Chloe's going to get her revenge on Clark, an ounce at a time. Clark says that Pheromona was "dissing" Lex. Was she also giving mad props to her homies and dropping chronic plates on yo ass, Clark? Chloe says that the conversation is going from merely nauseating to genuinely disturbing. Yay! The real Chloe's finally back. Clark says that Desiree has some strange hold on Lex. "Gee, I wonder what that could be," says Chloe. Chloe says that they're talking about Lex; he must have considered all the possibilities before saying "I do." Clark says he's going to talk to Lex. He asks Chloe to keep digging. "Where there's smoke, there's fire," Chloe says. "Excuse the aphorism." Clark has no idea what that means, so he leaves the room.

The pool hall of Lexertainment. Lex breaks. Balls. Lex says he was expecting Clark, as our superhero walks in. He tells Clark to can the awkward silences; he knows everything. Clark is all relieved. Lex says he was starting to think he couldn't afford to have friends. Until he met Clark and could trust him completely. Clark says he's glad Lex feels that way. Lex shifts gears, twitching in anger, says he finds Clark's infatuation with his wife disturbing. Clark says Desiree came on to him. "You expect me to believe that?" Lex asks. Has anybody actually looked at Clark? I mean, I don't see it, but people say he's much hotter than any mere woman. And much more feminine. Clark shows Lex the printout about Desiree's former identity, which indicates that she grew up in Smallville. Lex didn't know that. Clark asks how Lex can believe anything she says. "She's my wife and I love her," Lex says angrily. He adds that he was hoping for an apology, not insinuations. How about a little gay subtext? Lex said he thought their friendship meant more to Clark. "It dooooeees," Clark whispers. Lex throws Clark out. Lex sets up a shot and angrily pokes his stick at some balls on the table. As Clark walks out, he passes Desiree. He tells her to get away from his man. After Clark leaves, Lex asks Desiree to explain her former identity. She admits that she changed her name. She asks for a kiss while Lex asks for an explanation. Pheromones come out of her mouth. Lex drops his cue. They kiss. Pinkly. "Clark is part of your past," she says. "You don't need him, Lex." She says it twice because she picked up on the HoYay. "Maybe you're right," Lex says.