It was a dark and stormy night. In fact, the night was moist. Sultry, even. Thunder and lightning greeting us, we pan down and into a creepy window of the "Metropolis Children's Hospital." I bet half of the kryptovillains from this season are being treated here. We pan inside to what looks like an art class. Scary lightning! A young man is standing at an easel. Dr. Condescension walks in. He's wearing a tux and bow tie. He tells the young flannel-wearing artist that he just stopped in to say goodbye, since he heard the kid was going back to Smallville tomorrow. Don't do it, kid! You'll develop a taste for constipating cheese! The kid -- who is handsome in a squirrelly kind of way -- mutters, "Yeah. Smallville," as he draws some eyes on a rough sketch he's doing. Dr. Condescension asks how it's going. In answer, the teen artist moves his easel around with his bandaged, cast-up hand (between him and Rory from Gilmore Girls I'm wondering if this is "Wrist Injury Week" on The WB) and shows the sketch. It's a crude drawing of a person, but kind of neat in a skewed way. I can't even draw that well. Looking awfully pissed, the kid says, "You tell me." The doctor steps forward (in the very dark room) and says that the kid has come a long way in five months. The doctor says he's done lots of healing. The kid says that he's healed, except for his hand; he adds that he's never going to be able to draw again, and that's all he was ever good at. Time to go My Left Foot and learn to do some foot painting. The doctor puts one of his hands on the boy's shoulder -- which earns a dirty look -- and says that the young artist is lucky to even have movement in his hands, given his nerve damage. Dr. Condescension says that he did everything he could. "Really?" the artist asks, and brings up the five patients who are suing the doctor for malpractice. Oops! Lightning flashes. The doctor defensively says that blaming him isn't going to change the boy's condition. The boy mentions that what happened to him was a hit-and-run. I was the victim of a hit-and-run once. My car got totaled and the guy turned out to be an airline pilot. I got a nice cash settlement out of it, but it still pisses me off even to think about it. The doctor tells a sob story of how, when he was young, he applied to be a violinist at The Conservatory, but failed the audition. Nice reaction shot of Crippled Artist giving him a "what the fuck are you talking about?" look. The doctor says he was told he had a surgeon's hands. So, of course, he went into medicine. "As one door closes, another one opens," the doctor says, using his pretty non-mangled hands to full gesturing effect. "You're young. Find something new," Dr. Condescension says, before checking his watch and leaving abruptly. You just sealed your doom, Dr. Con. Zoom in on Crippled Artist. Techno music starts to play. He tells the doctor (though he says it more to himself) to have a good life.
And the doctor does just that, walking into the hall and hooking up with his trophy wife in her Little Black Cocktail Number. In her smooth, sultry voice, "Renee" asks whether it was another ungrateful patient. "Aren't they all?" Dr. Condescension asks. She asks if he thinks the kid will sue. As they get into a steel elevator, he says, "He's alive. He should be thanking me."
We cut back to the artist boy. He pulls back a sheet of the big tablet paper as if he's a contestant on Win, Lose or Draw. Underneath the crude sketch is what looks like a very accurate, airbrushed portrait of Dr. Condescension. Now add some roses, a bare-chested lady, the Virgin Mary, and a Chevy, and you've got yourself some bad-ass lowrider art. Artist Boy eyes the picture with his mouth hanging open and his hair all curly.
Elevator. Things start to shake. "What's going on?" Trophy Renee asks. She and Dr. Condescension get thrown around. That loud techno music is probably the cause. The lights on the floor numbers drop precipitously. They go from Floor 12 to Floor 8 in just a few seconds. More shaking. Lights flicker. Dr. Con and Renee fall to the floor. I once read one of those Remo Williams books where he was falling in a plummeting elevator, and at the last moment, he and his babe jumped, and even though the elevator exploded around them, they totally survived. I doubt that's going to happen here. Doc and Renee get up. "Get us out of here! Hurry up!" Renee screams, showing remarkable passion and hysteria for a glorified extra. Doc pushes some buttons. Renee yells some more. "Hurry up! Come on!" she yells. She's well-practiced in this refrain after dealing with Dr. Condescension's pesky Viagra prescription. Doc Con pushes open a panel and sticks his head out, yelling for help. Unsurprisingly, Renee yells, too. "That's it. Give me a hand up," she says. Somebody give this lady a WB series. She's got way better acting chops than a certain booby character actress we said goodbye to a few months ago. Doc gives Renee a boost up and out of the elevator while I try not to look at her evening gowned-ass. Yelling. Struggling.
Cut to Artist Boy, who is still eyeing the Doc Con picture. He grabs a thick red marker with his crippled hand and starts putting slashes across the image of the doctor's hand.
Elevator. Dr. Condescension reaches his arms out of the elevator to Trophy Renee. "Grab my hands," he says. D'oh! She does, and starts to pull. Elevator buckles. Frightened eye contact. The elevator drops. We hear a sickening snap as Doc loses his hands at the wrist. I wonder if his favorite book is A Farewell to Arms. He'll never win the arms race, that's for sure. I guess you could say the elevator was in arm's way. Fine. I'll stop. Renee screams.
Back to Artist Boy. He keeps marking up the doctor's hands, perhaps so that rats eat them, too. Artist Boy cocks his head and starts to smile. Evil, evil Artist Boy! Biting the hand that...um, heals you!
Opening credits.
Have I mentioned that twisters are coming to Smallville? Somewhere out there, Bill Paxton is crying. Not because of this or anything related to it. I just think he's crying.
Smallville High School. Someone in the props department finally got them to put up a Smallville High School plaque on the building. Underneath it is a red "Smallville High Career Day." So, props to the props department. Close-up on Clark in the gym. "I see you in a uniform, flying," we hear somebody say. We cut to a sharp Asian dude in dress blues. "You ever considered a career in the Air Force?" Clark looks puzzled. He says he'll think about it. I was an Air Force brat, folks. Clark could do a hell of a lot worse. Clark finds Pete, who's smiling big. Pete says he just landed a job in Mayor Siegel's office for the summer. Note: Superman co-creator Jerry Siegel shout-out. Pete was supposed to help his mom, a "Judge Ross," but now Pete says she can get some poor KSU student to help her. Pete asks who'd want to work with their parents all summer. "Yeah," Clark sighs wearily. Clark turns around and asks if Pete knew about Principal I Can't Believe I Ever Thought The Man Was Smooth's son, who is the Air Force guy. Pete says the Air Force must have seemed like a vacation after living at home and facing The Wrath of Kwan. (Psych. He didn't say that. He's not that clever.)
At this point, Chloe walks up. She's dressed in a khaki shirt and red business suit. Clark compliments her, and she says she was going for a professional look. She just came from the Daily Planet booth, and she's stressed because they only pick four high-school interns. She's lucky. Most papers only take college interns. Chloe says they have five hundred applicants, and she's worried that she won't get an interview. Clark says that there's always The Inquisitor, and that Lex would put in a good word. As she passes a Polaroid booth, Chloe says that she'll work at the Planet even if she has to deliver coffee to the Classifieds department. Pete asks about Chloe's trip to Metropolis this Saturday. Clark asks what Chloe's doing there. Oops. Chloe stops and reminds Clark that they were both supposed to go to a journalism conference for which he was supposed to sign them up. He's not very super when it comes to remembering things, is he? Clark says he forgot, because he's been at the Talon all week working on a history project with Lana. The History of Love? Or maybe, The History of Non-Acting Girls With Preternaturally Pretty Faces? There's a whole section of their project on Pia Zadora. Chloe bitches that everything else becomes less important when Lana is involved, and that Chloe and Clark haven't spent any time together lately. "Whenever Lex and Lana are around, it's like the rest of us don't exist," she says, and storms off. I like how she threw Lex into that mix. Clark asks why she's being hypersensitive. Chloe turns and says that most men are from Mars, but that Clark is from some distant galaxy she's never heard of. Heh. Clark asks Pete why Chloe's being so nutty. Pete comments on Clark's lack of observational skills, and says that Chloe wants to spend a day with Clark uninterrupted. Pete adds that Chloe wants to ask Clark to the Spring Formal. "But that would be like a..." Clark sputters. "'Date'?" Pete finishes. Pete says that if Clark took off his Lana-blinders, he'd see that Chloe likes him. Clark is stunned. Stunned, I tell you!
Chloe is at her locker. A hand lands on her shoulder. She says she's not interested in an apology. Chloe turns, and it's actually the curly-haired dork with the mean streak -- the guy we just saw in the children's hospital. Chloe's happy to see the guy. They hug. In his warbly voice, Artist Boy thanks Chloe for sending a bunch of emails that got him through a tough time. That and the voodoo dolls. Chloe says that lots of people must have stayed in touch. Nope. She asks when he's going to start drawing his comic strip again. Everybody's waiting for the further adventures of the "Flaming Crow's Feet," she says. Oh, man. I don't even know where to begin with this one. Al Gough? If you really want to deny the homoeroticism on the show, stop giving me such tempting fodder, man! Gary Tru-d'oh! looks down at his hand sadly, and says that his drawing tool is shot. Chloe's smile fades. She says she's sorry. He says it's fine, and that he's in the process of reevaluating his life. You know -- who to kill, who not to kill, which of his enemies' limbs to sever. Really, you need a clear and detailed life plan for these sorts of things. I'll bet Dr. Phil would agree. Gary asks Chloe on a coffee date (mmm, caramels), or rather a date in which Chloe will drink a non-fat no-foam latte. Chloe smiles. She considers it, and then sees Clark walking over, all, "Hey, what's this shit!" Chloe decides, sure, why not. Chloe says she's reexamining her life, too. What kryptovillains to fall in love with, which school scandals to expose, which snappy comeback to use. Goofy smiles are exchanged. Chloe and Gary take off down the hall. Clark looks like somebody just kicked his Lex.
Metropolis. The neatest, most orderly cemetery I've ever seen, covered with what appears to be Astroturf. One big slab sits up and in the middle. That's where Lex is, putting a flower at a gravestone; he's wearing his trademark purple shirt and black blazer. It reads, "Lillian Luthor. Loving Wife and Mother. 1951-1993." Sad music plays. In the shiny black marble reflection, we see a woman walk up behind Lex. Without turning around, he asks the woman what she's doing there. The woman gently says that she's there for the same reason Lex is: the anniversary of the dead person's death. The woman has red hair and looks like an older, gentler Cynthia Nixon. Lex asks where she's been for nine years. He says that his mother's Luthorcorp stock surely helped ease the pain. "Is that what your father told you?" the woman asks. Lex smiles and looks away. "All those years, I thought you loved me," Lex says. Awww. Poor Lex. The woman says that Lex has a right to be angry, but that they need to talk. Lex says that there's nothing she could say that would interest him. "Goodbye, Pam," he says, and walks off. As Pam looks on after Lex, we see a statue of an angel in the background. It's holding two cups -- one with a flame, the other with a water fountain. I'm guessing that if those are representative of two kinds of lives, Lex will eventually move toward the flaming side.
The offices of The Torch. Chloe is looking at a colorful comic strip and telling Gary Tru-d'oh! which is her favorite Flaming Crow comic strip. Clark enters, knocking on the door, which is open. "Hey, guys!" Clark bellows, and says hi. Chloe asks Clark if he remembers Gary. Clark asks how Gary is. Gary says he's taking it day by day. Clark asks whether Gary remembers who hit him with a car. Gary says he couldn't help the police much because he couldn't remember anything helpful. He only remembers part of the license plate: "DDI." Chloe says they should look into it. Clark says they should call the police. Wouldn't he have already told this bit of info to the police? Chloe cuts Clark off and says that if they find something, they'll pass it on to the authorities. Awkward silence. Clark says Lex scored them two tickets to the journalism conference. Because Lex has all those student journalism contacts. Chloe says that Gary already signed them up, and that she's going as Gary's guest. Gary offers that all three of them can go. Chloe abruptly says no: "Clark's not that interested in journalism anyway," she says. Word. Clark gives her a hurt look. Gary gathers his stuff, preparing to leave, and drops everything on the floor. Clark helps Gary pick up his things, and finds an interesting newspaper clipping: "Going down! Doctor loses hands in freak accident." That is the worst headline layout I've ever seen. It's two-and-a-half lines in all caps. Yeesh. Even if it is The Inquisitor, it's still pretty incompetent-looking. Gary snaps the paper back and thanks Clark brusquely.
Kent Farm. Outside. We pan across a bunch of huge sunflowers. Lana knocks on the screen door and comes in. She asks Clark if MamaKent's around; Lana wants to order more of her pies. Whups. Clark went all Jason Biggs on them in a fit of superpuberty. Clark says that MamaKent's at a class, but that he can help her. Lana says she didn't expect to see Clark around, and that she thought he'd be helping Chloe at the paper. "She has enough help," Clark snaps. Lana asks if Clark and Chloe are still fighting. Clark asks how she knew. Lana says she caught some of it at the career fair. Even though she wasn't there at all. "What's going on with you two?" Lana asks. "Chloe likes me," Clark says. Musing music plays. Lana asks how Clark feels about Chloe. Clark says that he thinks they could be more than friends. Lana gulps. Clark says he saw Chloe with Gary Tru-d'oh! and got... "Jealous," Lana finishes for him. She looks nauseated. Clark says that when you find out something like that, it colors everything. Lana says that sometimes the right person can be right in front of your eyes and you don't even know it. I can't believe it. She's...she's...ACTING! Brilliant! Clark smiles. He and Lana look at each other. She half-closes her eyes. Clark changes the subject and asks how many pies she wants. "Dozen," she says, as if it's the last thing in the world that matters. Wait...she's...she's...ACTING AGAIN! Holy crap! Two line readings in a row! Clark asks about Jocko Whitney and his dad. "He's great," Lana says, putting actual emphasis on actual words in sentences from the script. I think I may learn to love this new acting Lana. Or at least not want her banned from participating in human speech. Clark asks if Lana's fine. She says, "Never better," and adds that she hopes things work out with Clark and Chloe. "Me too," Clark says. Lana leaves. This scene was slow, but not bad at all.
Torch. Gary has drawn a pencil sketch of Chloe that looks very accurate. He picks up a pencil and tries to work on it, but he just makes an ugly, curvy line though it. He slams his pencil in frustration. Tears the paper off the easel. We see several pencils moving gracefully on a page, drawing. Colors. We pan back to reveal an airbrushed-looking portrait of Chloe and she looks...what's the word? Slutty! But hot! We pan back some more and see that three colored pencils and an eraser are all moving in the air, working on the slutty drawing. Gary looks at his psychic minions and smiles.
Commercials. I saw Star Wars: Attack of the Clones this week. Nobody stood up and cheered, and I don't think snack foods would have helped either.
Hallway at school. Clark's looking for Chloe. He asks Pete what he thinks of Gary. Pete likes him fine, but doesn't know him very well. He warns Clark about sounding jealous. Clark shows Pete the newspaper Gary dropped earlier. It's unclear whether it's the same newspaper, or if Clark just hunted down a copy of it, which seems more likely. Pete reads the headline. "So?" he asks. Clark says it was Gary's doctor, and that it's weird Gary's carrying that newspaper around. "I liked the tragic irony," we hear. It's Gary! He walks up to Clark and asks if he always talks about people behind their backs. Sometimes Clark does it to their sides, too. Gary calls Clark on his shit by saying that, now that somebody else is in the picture, Clark has finally decided to notice Chloe. "You had your chance with her," Gary warbles. "Now you let me have mine," he says. Sounds like the poor guy's drowning in his own phlegm. He walks off. To spit, I hope.
Stately Luthor Manor. Lex walks into one of his many rooms and finds Pam standing there, examining an expensive-looking book. He asks what the hell she's doing there. She says she wanted to see what kind of man Lex had grown into. A sexy one. And busy. Lex tries to throw her out. She calls him "Alexander" and says they were close once, and that he was like a son to her. Lex sharpens up a pool cue with some blue chalk and says that she was an employee paid to watch him while his mother was dying and his dad was out on business. "I loved you like my own," LexNanny says. She says that after the meteor shower, she was the only one who didn't look at Lex differently. Lex spikes the cue ball. His voice shaking, he says that she doesn't have the right to waltz back into his life, even if she knew him when he was in a vulnerable place. He says he's changed. "What do you want from me?" he asks. She says she wants him to know the truth. He shoots again. He accuses LexNanny of lying to his mother on her deathbed. LexNanny says that Papa Luthor sent her away after Mama Luthor died, and that he threatened to disinherit Lex if LexNanny showed up again. LexNanny says that Papa Luthor wanted Lex to be his son, not Mama Luthor's. Lex asks why LexNanny's there now. LexNanny says that she wanted to see whether he was being true to himself in spite of Papa Luthor. She also wanted some forgiveness. Always something, isn't it? Lex coldly tells her that she'll have to grant it to herself. Like a shopping spree or a Healthy Choice Dinner for One. She leaves. Lex looks upset.
Clark delivers some unsoiled pies to Lana's pie rack at The Talon. Crap rock plays. Lana says she wishes everything sold as well as MamaKent's organic apple pies do. Clark stops short of revealing that creamy secret ingredient he's been adding to the mix. Lana hands Clark his cash. Hey, it's more money than they give at the sperm bank. Jocko shows up and greets Clark. What the fuck happened to Jocko's hair? He went from having floppy WB hair to having...hair like Francis on Malcolm in the Middle. Not that I can talk, because I have the worst hair in Texas, but still. Jocko tells Lana to keep Saturday free, because he's got two tickets to Our Town at the Metropolis Playhouse. Oh boy! Teenaged boys know that teen hotties just go moist and ready for glacial, tired, theatrical productions. It's a theatrical Roofie! (Note: Television Without Pity does not endorse or condone the use of Roofies in anything but punch lines to bad jokes.) Jocko says he saw Lana reading it at school. That doesn't mean she wants to see it. It was probably a class assignment. Dumb-ass. Jocko says he wants to make up for lost time. He kisses her on the cheek. She looks as if a dog is licking her. "See ya," he says. "Bye," Lana hisses. When he's gone, Lana tells Clark that Jocko has paid more attention to her in the last two weeks than he had in the entire last year. Um, excuse me. I've been here for the last year, and that's total bullshit. Lana says that Jocko is happy since his dad got better. She says that when Jocko needed her, it defined their relationship. Now she needs to redefine it. How about you file it under "Pathetic"? Lana asks how things are with Chloe. "Unresolved," Clark says. Lana asks what he's going to do. He doesn't know. But he says that he doesn't want to lose a friend. Lana says that once you cross that line, you can't go back. Clark says that Chloe gave him advice about...he sidesteps and says, "Someone else." Lana blinks a bit. "What happened?" she asks. She must know that Clark hasn't dated anyone -- not even the cows -- since this show started. Clark says that he decided to stay friends. Oh, now he decided? I guess that's almost true, but still sounds presumptuous as hell. Lana asks whether he regrets that. He says he does, and that he let the moment slip away and won't get it back. Lana -- who is still acting up a little matchbook-sized storm -- looks stricken. Clark says that he doesn't want to make that same mistake twice. Lana smiles, hurt. Acting!
The Torch. Gary Tru-d'oh! walks in. Chloe is sitting at a pretty green iMac. Smiling, she tells him that she sent his partial license plate info from the hit-and-run to her contact the DMV. He's supposed to fax her when he finds something. Gary hands over a rolled-up piece of paper that he says took him all night. It's a legal contract specifying that he not be used on only one episode as the week's kryptovillain. Sadly, I don't think it's legally binding. Chloe opens up the picture of "Chloe if she were a teen pop sensation," and says it's beautiful. "So are you," Gary says. Hubba hubba. He says that when he got hit by that car and was lying in the road, he kept picturing Chloe's face. Is he trying to say she looks like the front grill of a station wagon? "Why me?" Chloe asks. He says he always had the biggest crush on her. So big, in fact, that it warrants an episode title. Gary says he was about to die and regretful that he never got to tell Chloe how he felt. Chloe looks awfully touched. He says that when Chloe started emailing him at the hospital, he knew this was his chance. Chloe smiles as if she's about to cry, and it makes her look about twelve. Gary says he came all the way back for her. Strummy music starts to play. They kiss. A lot. As they do, we cut back to see a bunch of office supplies -- scissors, a stapler, a mug, a little green alien doll -- rise and float in the air. The camera does a special-effects spin around Gary and Chloe, with those objects in the air. It looks fake as all get-out, but since Chloe is a teenager in love, we'll forgive it. As they stop, the green alien is in the foreground. Chloe pulls back, and everything falls. She looks freaked out. Gary explains that, after the accident, he found he could move things. With his MIND! No meteor rocks are mentioned, although it's kind of implied that they had something to do with this. Chloe calls his power "telekinesis." He asks if she's freaked out. Chloe says she's seen stranger. Like, have you seen that show Roswell? That's some freaky shit. ["And if you haven't seen it, you're about out of chances to rectify the situation." -- Wing Chun] Gary says he doesn't want to end up on Chloe's wall. Sweetly, she says he won't. Chloe leans forward and says, "Now, let's make everything float again." I'll have to use that line sometime. They kiss again. Before anything (even Gary) can rise again, Clark busts in looking for Chloe. Gary smirks at Clark, then tries to look serious. Clark asks Chloe if he can see her outside. Give it up, Clark. You've lost this round, my super-mopey friend. After Clark and Chloe leave, a fax machine rings and chirps. Gary looks at it as a paper rolls out. "Got a Match" it says in heavy black marker over some typed info. Music of intrigue plays.
In the hall, Clark asks Chloe whether this whole Gary Tru-d'oh! thing isn't moving too fast. Chloe says they've been emailing for months, and that she knows him better than she knows Clark. Clark asks if she knows about Gary's doctor, the not-so-handy man. She says no, but that she heard about Clark's little gossip circle. Clark walks off, saying he's just looking out for her. Chloe gets pissed. She asks if Clark has some sort of savior complex. Heh. He says he doesn't want her to get involved with Gary just because of Clark. Chloe's face goes all "oh, no you di'in't!" She tells him her world does not revolve around Clark. Testify! Chloe says that she found someone special, and that -- unlike Clark -- she's willing to take a chance. The school bell rings, and people spill out of their classes. Clark is lost in a sea of people who aren't as pretty as he is.
Nighttime. A station wagon pulls up in a driveway. We zoom in on a Kansas license plate: "DDI O35." My hit-and-run guy had the license plate, "MY TAHO." Asshole. The car stops in front of a knocked-over steel trash can. Principal I Have a Feeling I'm Reaching the End of My Used-to-be-Smooth Jokes goes over to move the bin, leaving the station wagon. Gary comes up behind him. "Was it easy to lie to everybody?" he asks. The principal is thinking, "Oh crap! He found my kiddie-porn stash!" He asks what Gary is doing there. Gary says he's reliving old memories. "I think you should go home," says Principal Had a Dog, Named it "Smoothie" in Memory of Days Long Gone. Gary says that when the principal's car hit him, in the middle of the crosswalk, it felt like Gary had been broken in half. "I don't know what you're talking about," the principal says. Gary goes on reliving, saying blood was dripping in his eyes as he saw the taillights disappear. Ew. "It wasn't me," says Principal Smooth like a Piece of Sandpaper Rejected at the Factory for Being Too Rough for Even Sandpaper Standards. Wrong answer! Gary telekinetically throws the principal against his garage door. Gary explains that he developed these powers to make up for his lack of motor skills when he was in a full-body cast. He should totally do an infomercial. Gary uses his mind to pluck a big path-light out of the ground and chuck it at the principal. There's no power cord, so it must be solar-powered. Let me tell you something: those kind of lawn lights suck. Home Depot owes me $60. The spear-like light misses the principal by a few inches. Gary keeps being menacing, which is hard when you sound like a lisping duck. Gary turns on the station wagon lights. (Yes, with his mind.) He starts the engine. (With his mind.) The principal, frightened, asks him to stop it. The engine revs. Gary says he's going to feel what it's like to be hit by a two-thousand-pound car. I'll bet it feels like shit. The car goes into Drive. It pummels the principal, pushing him through the garage door and into the garage wall. Principal Only Smooth Because Blood is Coming Out of Every Orifice in a Smooth Flow falls forward onto the hood. Let us say a brief haiku for the departed Principal Kwan:
Once was smooth, now flat
That station wagon hits hard
life: compact car
The Barnness of Slashitude. Clark is reading Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I once read most of that on the advice of someone I was dating. It's one of those books that, more than most others, is forced upon a member of a relationship by the other member of the relationship, and usually not because things are going great. Lex walks up behind Clark. "Hey, Lex, what are you doing here so late?" Clark asks. Must. Not. Make. Obvious. Joke. Clark hides the book under his butt. Again, I show restraint. Lex says he's there to talk about the settlement with Clark's parents. Nothing else is said about this, but I'm assuming it's the settlement over all the dead cows. I could be wrong, though. Lex sits on the barn couch to Clark. He easily finds the book -- given that it's near Clark's ass and all -- and eyes it skeptically, reading the title in bemused dismissal. Clark says he's trying to receive insight into the female psyche. "I seriously doubt you'll find it here," Lex says. Yeah, Clark. The book's written by a guy, for one thing. And not a very insightful guy, for that matter. Lex asks what the problem is. Clark says that he has two amazing friends, both of them girls. Lex says that, for argument's sake, they'll call them "Lana and Chloe." Ha. Clark says that he's always liked Lana, but that he could never get close to her. Now Chloe likes him, and he has feelings for her, too. Clark, you big ho. Lex asks which one Clark wants. Clark says that he wants to protect his friendship with both. Lex bluntly tells Clark that, in that case, he'll never get either of them. Clark says that he'll stick with the book. Lex says that love is about taking risks and putting yourself out there like a hot piece of jerky on the highway. Clark asks whether Lex has ever been in love before. Lex looks away quickly, thwarting my attempts at reading too much into the scene. He says he's only ever loved two women. One of them died, and the other one betrayed him. God, I hope he's talking about LexNanny and not Boobs McChesty. Clark says he's sorry. Lex tells him that some people are meant to be alone. Others are meant to invent the steam shovel. But that only happens to maybe one person, at most. Lex and Clark exchange a "boy, it sucks to be two swingin' single guys" look, but then Lex notices MamaKent walking in. She's teary-eyed. "Remember your principal, who used to be smooth about a year ago, but recently has been the antithesis of anything resembling creamy smoothness?" she asks. Then she reveals that the principal was killed in an accident.
Torch. Chloe and Pete are looking for photos of the late principal. You know, when you've lost your smoothness the way he did, it's not really living anymore. Clark walks in and asks how it's going. Chloe, on the edge of tears, says that you can never find the right photos when you're looking for them. Acting all hyper, Chloe asks Pete to check the library files again. She babbles about the police report. When Clark asks if she's all right, her voice cracks. Clark offers to help, but Chloe declines. Clark notices something on the computer screen and zooms in on it. It's the principal's license-plate number. Clark makes the connection to Gary's hit-and-run. "What are you getting at?" Chloe asks. Clark says that a lot of serious accidents happen around Gary Tru-d'oh!. Chloe continues to deny the connection, despite every fiber of her being screaming in protest. Clark asks whether she ever got the fax from the DMV. Chloe says she didn't. Clark says she did. I guess the readout on the screen is saying that they got a fax at 4:43 PM the day before. What the hell were students still doing in class at 4:43 p.m. the day before, when Chloe and Clark were in the hall? Chloe says that Gary couldn't have done it. "Why -- because you like him?" Clark asks. No, she says, almost crying some more. She says it's because she knows Gary, and he wouldn't hurt anyone. Nobody who has hands, at least. Sad silence. Clark quietly says, "I hope you're right," and leaves. Chloe, who shows her scalp to the camera, keeps looking for photos.
Luthor Manor. Magnificent Bastard alert! Lex walks into his home office (have you set up some wireless internet? You should look into it) and sees Papa Luthor sitting at his desk. He's reading aloud: "I celebrate myself and what I assume you shall assume...." Papa Luthor begins. "...for every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you," Lex finishes. Papa chuckles. He says it sounds like a description of family. "Not ours," Lex says, smiling. Lex asks when Papa Luthor started reading poetry. Changing subject without warning, Papa says they're selling Cadmus Labs. Lex looks alarmed. He says he has 50% ownership and veto rights. He says he doesn't remember being asked about this deal. Papa, feigning ignorance, says that they only bought it so they could screw Sir Harry and pump and dump the stock. As someone in the forums rightly pointed out, the memory of Lex and Papa both bedding Boobs McChesty makes the invocation of the phrase "pump and dump" a little nauseating here. Lex asks why Papa is really there. Papa puts down the book from which he was reading. It's the one LexNanny was looking at earlier. Papa says he's heard she's back in the 'States, and that she visited Lex. Lex asks whether Papa came to disinherit him. "Is that what she told you?" Papa asks. Lex asks if it's true. Papa changes the subject again (he's a master of misdirection!), saying that Lex's mother was a great woman. With a booty that wouldn't quit. But her choice in hired help left much to be desired, Papa says. Papa says LexNanny was a "hanger-on," and convinced Mama Luthor to leave her a bunch of stock, then disappeared before the body was cold. Lex asks if that's why Papa Luthor came all the way from Metropolis, lo those inconsistent three hours. Papa says he doesn't want LexNanny to use "emotional tyranny" to get money out of Lex. Lex asks why she'd do that if she had all that stock. Papa Luthor says she probably doesn't want to sell it to pay her medical bills. What medical bills? The ones for her cancer. She's dying. "How noble," Papa says, of LexNanny's failure to tell Lex about her affliction. Lex looks stricken. Papa says the cancer is probably from sitting out in the sun in paradise. Heh. He couldn't resist the dig. Papa asks what she wants. "Forgiveness," Lex says. Lex says he sent LexNanny away. Papa Luthor passes the book across the desk. He says she must not know Lex very well, then. Ooh, another dig. Somebody get this man a new shovel!
The garage of Smoothness's ultimate end. Police tape Xes the garage. Clark moves the tape and goes inside. Son of Smooth walks in and asks why Clark is there. Son -- who evinces the same non-acting skills as his dad -- says he doesn't understand what happened, since his father was carrying his keys when the car smashed into him. Clark asks whether Son of Smooth knows Gary. Son of Smooth looks away. Clark asks whether Gary might have come over the night before. Clark explains what Gary's motive might have been. "That's crazy. You should leave," says Son of Smooth. Clark explains about the license plate. Son looks down, sadly. He looks away, anguished. "My dad didn't deserve this," Son says. Clark figures out that it wasn't Principal Death Be Not Smooth, but his son, who was driving the car that crippled Gary. Son of Smooth, Buttery Death says that his dad was just trying to protect him.
Sketchbook. Chloe is looking through Gary's sketchbook, and it's a book of horrors. There's a comic book that reenacts Dr. Condescension's disarming. She finds another comic-style page showing the death of Principal Rediscovered His Smoothness in the Afterlife. Gary walks in, surprising Chloe. She scrambles to put the sketchpad back in place. Turns out we're at his house. Chloe says she wanted to surprise him. She asks if he heard about the principal. "I did. That's really weird, right?" he says. Gary says that they should make the most of the time they have, and tries to kiss Chloe. She turns away. Chloe says she forgot and just remembered she's supposed to meet Clark at his house. Ooh, bad move. Gary says, rightly, that considering Clark is out of the picture, they sure spend a lot of time together. Chloe says she plans to tell Clark exactly what's going on between her and Gary. Gary is left alone. He goes back to his sketchpad, and notices that it's out of place and on its side.
The Talon. MamaKent is there with Clark; she's reassuring him that he did the right thing, turning in Son of Smooth. Clark is bummed because the dad is dead and the son is probably going to jail. Lana goes up to Clark and says that Chloe is on the phone and sounds freaked out. Lana sounds freaked out herself. Using a cell phone, Chloe -- in Clark's barn -- tells him he was right. She says she knows how Gary caused the accidents. They're not really accidents, then, are they? Just then, Chloe's cell phone whips out of her hand and flies across the room. Clark hears that and calls for Chloe. He doesn't get a response, and takes off.
Barn. Camera spins around Chloe. She calls Gary's name. A door snaps shut behind her. She turns. Gary is behind her now. Commercials.
We come back and they're in the same place. Were you kept in suspense? Chloe is suddenly picked up and whipped across the room by invisible forces. She's getting a telekinasskicking. "How could you betray me? How could you betray what we had together?" Gary says. Chloe tries to run. Gary picks her up with his mind, way up to the ceiling. He lets her fall onto a box. She moans in pain, but is tenacious enough to get up and try to limp out of the room. A door closes on her. "That's what I love about you, Chloe," Gary says. "You're a fighter." Chloe's a survivor/ She'll never give up. Thought she was a weakling girl/ She was reportin', Thought she'd put you on her wall/ Her wall's retortin'. Thought she had a crush on Clark/ She diggin' Gary, Thought he was Bronson Pinchot/ He's Cousin Larry! More limping. Gary grabs a horseshoe hanging off the wall (with his mind, folks), and clocks Chloe right in the head with it. Ow, dammit! Gary approaches Chloe. He lifts a chainsaw. Spins it in the air for effect. "I'm sorry," he says, revving it right up close to the camera. This guy is way scarier than most of the kryptovillains we've seen. Clark runs in just as the chainsaw takes off toward Chloe. Clark zip in front of it. CGI! In slow motion, the chainsaw breaks into a bunch of pieces. Poor Bo Duke. Clark messes up all his farming tools. "How did you do that?" Gary asks. "You killed the wrong man!" Clark responds. Gary says Clark's lying. Clark tells him about Son of Smooth. "That is not true!" Gary yells. Clark asks how many more innocent people Gary is going to kill. "Just one more," he says. Gary throws Clark up into the hayloft. (Mind.) "You've really gotta stick those landings," Gary says. Hardy fucking har har. Clark taps Gary on the shoulder. He says Gary can't win. Then he throws Gary thirty feet into the wall, the way all good Clark battles end. Clark goes to Chloe, who is just waking up. She's got a big cut on her forehead. They hug. Chloe cries.
Hospital room of darkness. Lex enters a room where LexNanny is sleeping. She stirs. Lex puts the book -- Leaves of Grass -- on the bedside table. Isn't that the book Clinton gave Monica Lewinsky? I think we can surmise that eventually Clark will be getting a limited-edition copy from Mr. Luthor. LexNanny says that Lex is the last person she expected to see. "Why didn't you tell me?" he asks. She says it wasn't his concern. Lex says that he could get her help and good treatment. She says she didn't go to him for help or pity, but because she had nothing left to lose. She says she's ashamed it took her illness for her to find the courage to see Lex. She says she let that "bastard" frighten her into submission for so long. Um, I'm not going to make a big deal out of that, but it's a possibility that whole "bastard" thing is a teeny-tiny shout-out. If so, gracias. LexNanny says she was afraid to tell Lex how much he means to her, and how much she wanted to help him grow up. "I wish you had. I might be a better man," Lex says. LexNanny says the fact that he's there speaks volumes, and that his mother would be proud. Lex blinks a lot, pained. "I really miss her," he says in a sad, little-boy voice. "So do I," says LexNanny. Lex inhales deeply. LexNanny reaches out her hand. Lex takes it. Nice scene there.
The front of the Talon. The marquee reads, "Sonnet Saturday. Free pick-up line with purchase." Here is an actual pick-up line I have actually used in real life: "If bricks were beauty, you'd be the Taj Mahal." Obviously, it didn't work out at all. Damn my fool brain! Inside, Lana is carrying a tray down some stairs. Clark and Chloe are at a table. Chloe says that Gary is at a psychiatric ward, and that the police don't know what to charge him with. She says at least he won't hurt anybody. She asks if they should do the "I told you so" thing. Clark says he wishes he had been wrong. Chloe asks what's wrong with her ability to spot trouble when it's right in front of her. Clark says she's not oblivious. She's trusting. Clark says she's strong enough to take risks, and that he admires her. Chloe smiles. She's got a big patch on her head. Clark says he still has those journalism conference tickets, and that it would be a good chance for them to spend time together. Chloe smiles big and says it's a date. Clark hesitantly takes her hand. Chloe smiles really huge. I know this may be controversial, but given the lack of homoeroticism this week, I am awarding the Gayest Look of the Episode to Chloe's smile here. And by "gay," this week I mean "happy," not homoerotic. Surprised? Clark smiles back. Hand holding. We pan up and focus to see Lana in a pink top behind the counter, looking at them as if she's being stabbed in the back with a dull knife.
Jocko Whitney walks in. Lana sees him and strides over purposefully. She says that they need to talk. Hey, Jocko, what's happening? He looks all sad and puffy, his eyes teary. Allergies? Ragweed? Pollen count? Nope. Dead dad. Oy. They don't have a good prescription medicine for that. "It's my dad," he says simply. Lana acts yet again with her conflicted, sad expression. I feel like sending her flowers all of a sudden. You did it, Lana! It only took nineteen episodes to get your acting mojo going!
Flowers on a casket. We hear a cover version of Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time" that is lovely and even slower than the original. This whole scene is all in blues and grays and it looks gorgeous and somber. No dialogue. Jocko's mom turns around, crying. Jocko is under an umbrella crying. Pan to Clark and Pete under an umbrella. Cut to MamaKent and Bo Duke, looking sad together. Cut to Chloe, looking chic and elegant and wearing a black beret over her wound. Jocko and Mrs. Whitney hug. Priest finishes reading, presumably from the very last page of the Bible. He shuts it, and closes the book. Jocko goes to Lana. They stand close, Lana with her fingers on Jocko's chest. Clark looks over sadly. Chloe looks sideways to see Clark staring. Jocko leads his mother to a waiting car. Lana -- looking very Katie Holmes -- continues her acting streak with some serious bummer-contemplation head moves. Somebody stole Clark's umbrella, because now he's in the rain, getting soaked, looking intensely after Lana. Lana turns slowly and looks to Clark. He's standing by a statue of an angel. Singer: "If you're lost you can look and you will find me/ Time after time." Chloe catches the look, and her eyes move downward in pain. She looks back once more to Clark and then walks away. Clark looks back to Lana. She looks as if she might mouth something, but instead she closes her lips tightly. She turns and follows Jocko and his mother. Clark is still in the rain. He looks on after Lana. Turns to the right. He walks through the graveyard alone, the weight of the world seemingly on his wet shoulders. We pan up to some low-hanging, dry branches. The music recedes as we see Clark walk through the branches. Really beautiful, well-shot, well-acted final scene. Take a bow, Smallville show people.
week, the penultimate episode of the season. Lana develops psychic powers! Can she hear what I think of her? God, let's hope not.