Buzzkill

S01E18

By Omar G

This episode is brought to you by the letter B. Also, by the insect "bee." And, if I had my wish on, by B.B. King. If The Beatles had written this episode, they would have just let it be.

Stupidest alt-crap song ever plays. It's like the mating call for frat boys. Somebody should digitize it, put it on a little microchip, and let it play in baseball caps with clip-on headphones. As the music plays, a CGI-animated bumblebee goes and gets his freak on with a bunch of flowers. Then he flies off, and we pan along with him, like the opening of Men in Black, only not as clever or cool. As the bee passes, we see the front of Smallville High, where the "Fly to Victory!" banner has finally been replaced by a sloppy, almost unreadable one that says, "School elections." The bee comes back down on some more school election signs taped to tables.

The bee flies around Chloe, who is holding a camera and asking a girl named Sasha to "say something presidential." The girl -- who is actually very cute but dressed up to look nerdy in big glasses and frumpy clothes -- tells Chloe to slow down, reminding her that the election hasn't even started yet. Chloe sits to Pete (Pete!) and asks him what he thinks Sasha's chances are. Pete surmises that Sasha's been involved in student government, she's worked her way up, and she's been on lots of committees, but she's more of a worker than a leader. He stops just short of saying she's a "worker bee." God bless restraint. Chloe nods and asks about Paul as we pan over to an Asian dude in glasses who's talking to some other students. Pete says that Paul is certainly the most qualified, but that elections are about popularity. The camera swings back violently, as if this show is being shot from the big Viking boat ride at Six Flags. Pete then allows the camera to swing back for Felice, a head cheerleader and president of the drama club. She's very WB pretty in that overrated, bland, Tara Reid kind of way. We see her smiling and dressed in pink, like she's trying to be all Legally Blonde. Pete says she's got the edge, what with her popularity and also the fact that she's hella hot. Whatever, Pete. Now he's all selectively horny? What about Sasha? Don't girls with glasses need love, too? Chloe complains that Felice's name rhymes with the French word for luggage. Chloe's rhymes with the English word for a know-it-all: "Showy." Pete says he's glad Chloe's not reaching for reasons to hate her. The truly awful song is still playing, talking about pinkeye and bong hits. This song makes me feel like drinking shots and asking complete strangers out on dates.

Felice walks over to Chloe with her gang of Heathers, who are doing their gangsta "I'm a beeyatch" poses. She says she saw Chloe taking Sasha's picture, and says that qualifies as bias. Chloe talks Felice down from the popularity ledge by saying that she plans to run bios and photos of all the candidates. "Including you. Felice," she says, with relish and mustard. Paul -- who looks nice enough, but turns out to be more dork than man -- tells Chloe that her editorial can only endorse one candidate. He asks who it's going to be. Wannabe Tara Reid says it doesn't matter, since no matter what Chloe writes, people are going to vote for her. Her gangsta bitches seem to concur. Chloe says, "Never underestimate the need for the criminally ambitious to pad their résumés." Paul chortles at that. Felice looks like a horrified piggy with her mouth all hanging down. Felice leans forward and tells DorkPaul that he'd better drop out if he wants to avoid humiliation. Then she oinks at him.

Oh. Man. DorkPaul is at his computer, putting the final touches on a poster cartoon of himself that says "I'll fight for you, Paul Chan." Only in the poster he's actually wearing a full Superman costume, red cape and all. What the fuck? How is that even something people would know about if Superman doesn't exist yet? So Clark goes on to steal his design for the costume in the future? A little advice to the Smallville writers: this could be a long, long gravy train. Don't blow your wad on episode 18 of the first season, 'kay? I know you think it's cute, but cute never got anybody a syndication deal. Except maybe Gary Coleman. Paul eyes his bullshit poster, smiles, and nods, like, "Oh yeah. I just shattered the line of conceit for this show." He goes to the bathroom and starts washing his face for no good reason. I suppose you don't get a WB complexion without using a few Oxy pads. He reaches for a towel. Dries his face. There are either two dark spots on it, or those are two little holes. Creepy music plays. He opens the medicine cabinet. We see some bees hanging around on various jars. We hear DorkPaul say, "Ow" and slap something. A bee falls to the sink. We see him using tweezers, presumably to pull out a stinger from his finger. He winces. Sucks at his finger. He turns. The same bathtub Boobs McChesty almost drowned in is shown, but with a different curtain. DorkPaul hears buzzing and, like an idiot, walks toward it. Pulls the curtain. Nothing. He turns back to the sink where we hear more buzzing. The sink rattles. He leans in. We get an inside-the-sink view of DorkPaul looking down. Suddenly, bees! They're attacking. Paul screams! Oh, the humanity! Oh, the bee-anity! Oh, the banality! When bees are attacking you, make sure to scream with your mouth closed. Cue the opening credits.

The notion that T.G.I. Friday's actually has a "school" where its chefs learn to "cook" is so funny that I almost drop my remote.

Smallville High hallway. Pete, Chloe, and Clark are walking. Clark is reading a story about DorkPaul's encounter with the evil swarm. Pete says that's his worst nightmare; he swells up if he gets stung by one bee. Be careful, Pete. time they want you to be absent for an episode, they'll just explain it by saying you're nursing a bee sting. Clark asks how bees got into DorkPaul's bathroom. Easy. He's smooth like honey. It was inevitable. Chloe says some environmental investigators are coming in to find out what happened. Pete says it's going to disrupt the election. Chloe says it won't, because the president won't take office until fall, and DorkPaul will be back in non-stung form by then. Pete says Paul will get a few sympathy votes, but that a new candidate is on the horizon. They all stop short when they see a big banner that reads "Clark Kent for President." Totally serious, Clark says to Pete, "What have you done?" Pete sells it to Clark, saying that Clark's straightforward and people like him. Clark starts to freak out. He's giving DorkPaul a run for his dork dollar. Pete says Clark has it all -- looks, brains, farmboy charm, a barn suitable for make-out sessions. Pete keeps on talking as if he's making up for all the lines he didn't have in past episodes. Clark asks why Pete didn't run. Pete says he's "the guy behind the guy." I thought that was Lex's most vaunted position. Pete continues to egg Clark on as we pan across the banner. Chloe snarks about politicians not being great leaders. Pete leads a hallway chant of "Clark, Clark, Clark!" Everybody joins in. Chloe smiles. Clark looks embarrassed.

Country road in the fall. I have completely given up trying to keep track of the seasons on this show. The season is: Vancouver. A strapping bald man is driving an even more strapping silver sports car down the road. A Lexmobile? I think it is. Lex drives by a red car sitting to a woman in a red outfit; she's bent over and looking under the hood. She's in a short skirt, and her legs are hanging out like an invitation.

Lex cranes his neck and pulls over. He gets out of the car and starts dialing his cell phone. He tells the woman that she looks like she needs help. It would be so funny if she got up and it was Papa Luthor. The woman says no thanks, but Lex is already telling "Hans," his mechanic, where he's at. The woman -- who appears to be wearing a lace something or other under a red power suit -- seems annoyed by Lex. She looks and sounds as though she has a cold. She says she appreciates Lex's "postmodern chivalry," but she's fine. You know, it's not really chivalry when your ass is hanging out of your skirt as thanks. "A vocabulary and Dolce & Gabbana," Lex says. So. Gay. Just admit it, already, fashion-puss. He says she has Metropolis written all over her. Probably in very slutty lipstick colors. She makes some noise about Lex being the sheriff there to run her out of town. Lex asks whether her attitude came as an accessory to the couture. See? He did it again! The Woman in Red says she's thinking of moving to Smallville, but that Lex doesn't look like a local. Lex says he's been there since last fall. So it's been a year? Fuck this "season" shit. He says the town is starting to grow on him. Like a fungus. Among us. She asks what the appeal is. Lex says that the town is deceptive, and nothing is what it seems. She asks why. Lex suddenly says, "All these questions. This is beginning to sound like an interview." Red Lady looks busted. Lex reaches into her car and turns the keys; the engine comes on just fine. Maybe she was just checking her windshield wiper fluid. Lex asks who she's working for. She feigns confusion. Lex says he's going to throw her keys into the woods. Lex starts to throw. She catches his hand. She says she's Karen Castle, a staff reporter for the Metropolis Journal. Metropolis has how many newspapers? Sheesh. Lex gives back the keys and says he doesn't grant interviews. He says he's spent the better part of his life taking back entrances in order to avoid people like her. Would "people like her" be women, and one of those back entrances be "Clark"? ReporterHo follows Lex, holding her little pink rag, and says she wants to write an article about Lex -- a serious one that doesn't paint him as a wild child or Papa Luthor's supplicant son. She says that her paper is more serious than that tabloid, The Inquisitor, and that an article would mean more in her rag. Lex considers it. She says she'll do a cover profile that will help him crawl out from his father's shadow. I don't know about that shadow. Have you seen Papa Luthor's hair? She smiles. Lex says he appreciates the offer, but declines. Smile fades. "You get points for style, though," Lex says. Lex gets in his car and zooms off. ReporterHo stands in the street, holding a wrench, legs apart, and staring after that sexy, unattainable hunk of bald man.

School. Clark is still stewing about Pete's dirty trick. Chloe says some men are born to greatness, while others are dragged into it. Nerdy Sasha stops them in the hall and asks, whiny-style, why Clark is running. Why, he's never shown interest in politics before! Is this an allegory about George W.? Clark says it's just a gag, and that Pete nominated him. She asks whether he's taking his name off the ballot. Clark says he is. She says that's good, because the election is way too important to be a joke. I so wish I were actually watching the film Election. Sasha complains about Felice. Chloe mentions that Felice is having a party with a band and catering. Sasha looks disgusted. "She's trying to buy this election like one of her Prada bags!" Sasha yells, and storms off. I'll bet Lex has bought an election or two like one of his Prada bags. Chloe calls Sasha "tightly wound." Clark asks, just out of curiosity, whether he'd have a chance of winning the election. Chloe smiles. "Right after I'm elected head cheerleader," she says. She's got the blonde hair going, at least.

Kent Farm. A moo in the distance. Maybe the girl from "Craving" is back and stalking the cows. MamaKent is looking at a "Clark for President" flyer. Clark assures them he's taking his name off the ballot. "Oh...I think it's a terrific idea!" Bo Duke bellows. Bo says it could be Clark's moment to shine, since he can't play sports. Clark says he figured that they wouldn't be down with it. MamaKent says it's fine, since it doesn't require him to use his gifts. Couldn't he stuff the ballot at superspeed before anyone even noticed? Clark still looks dispirited. Bo asks why. Just as Clark is about to drink from a milk bottle, MamaKent "Hey. Hey!"s him. Clark says he's always tried to stay out of the spotlight. MamaKent says he doesn't have to run. Then Bo puts on the pressure: "Just remember, Clark. Quitting is a very hard habit to break." How do you quit something you didn't start off even doing? Methinks Bo wants to do some vicarious living here. Clark looks conflicted. "No pressure," Clark says. Bo and MamaKent smile at each other, with evil intent.

The Talon. Lana -- who has dropped out of school completely -- is carrying some flowers. Clark walks in and notices the absence of customers. "Wow. The place is...." he starts. "Empty? Deserted? Vacant?" Lana asks. "Acting? Personality? Presence?" I ask. Lana says the badly named Beanery has been trying to put the Talon out of business since it opened. She said she's tried price cuts, coupons, and ads. Has she thought of installing a stripper pole and establishing a Hot Legs contest? Lana says they'll have to close in a month if things don't pick up. Clark brings up his hero and asks if she's talked to Lex, since he's an investor. Lana goes all stiff at the mention of her chief competition for Clark's affection. She says that Lex has been quiet, and that this is her battle to win or lose. And she intends to win. Because she's pretty, and pretty people always win. Any time you doubt that, just remember: Boobs McChesty probably beat out about a thousand other actresses to be on this show because somebody thought she was pretty and liked her chestals. Lana asks about the election. Clark says he's not actually running. Lana says it's too bad, because he'd be great. He's honest, people trust him, and he has an "innate sense of justice," Lana says. For once, I'm not annoyed by Lana's presence. Clark starts to smile shyly, getting pumped up by Lana's vocal ministrations. Smiles all around. Somewhere, a toothpaste-company executive just had multiple orgasms over this moment.

Lex in his red-lit lair. He's pouring himself a drink as Clark walks in. Fully clothed, incidentally. "Clark Kent for president," Lex hollers. He's putting roofies in Clark's drink. Clark asks how Lex knew. Lex whips out an election flyer of Clark's. It's one of two copies in Lex's possession. The other one is under Lex's pillow. Lex says he didn't realize Clark had political aspirations. Clark says he figured he could make a difference. Lex pulls a pool cue off the wall and asks whether Clark came over for a contribution. Hmm...perhaps a deposit of USDA choice beef? Clark pauses, looks over at Lex, gives a subtle crotch look, and superspeeds away with the Gayest Look of the Episode. Tempt him, why don't you, Lex? Clark says he came over to talk about the Talon. Lex says he knows it's not doing well. Clark asks whether Lex is going to help. Lex looks over at Clark and shoots some pool. He says he's not going to support a failing business, and that the Talon has to find its own feet. Er, claws. Or whatever. Clark says Lex could at least stop by for some foamy nose-coffee. Lex stands up at attention. He says that Clark is already working for his constituents. Lex offers some advice: a better slogan. How about, "He's Super, thanks for asking!" Or, "Kiss the Clark"? Lex says that everyone has used "(Blank) for President," including himself. Turns out Lex ran for office once, but he says his intentions weren't very noble. Ah. Interns. Clark asks whether Lex won. "Of course," Lex says. Clark asks Lex if he has any tips. Heh heh. Ah heh heh heh heh heh. Lex says Clark doesn't need Lex's methods, and can win on his own. Clark says the competition is "pretty stiff." You see? It's not just me, people. It's not like I get a chubby over these scenes. Lex tells Clark to remember that the man of tomorrow is forged by his battles today. Clark asks if he can use that as his slogan. "Knock yourself out," Lex says. "On my headboard," he thinks.

The Jimmy Eat World song that I actually like -- "The Middle" -- comes on. How rare is it that a song is played on this show when it's actually being heard on the radio? Nice job, sound guy. We see, in school, a revised flyer: "Clark Kent for Class President. The Man of Tomorrow." An American flag is to it, taped to a trophy case. Chloe sees it and pauses, curious. She finds Clark at a table with a ton of little American flags. She repeats the slogan at him. "Kind of presumptuous, don't you think?" she asks. Well, it's not like anyone else on the show is guaranteed to be back tomorrow. "I like it," Clark says. Chloe says she thought Clark was "bagging" the whole election. Clark says he had a change of heart. Only without that guy on Change of Heart with the dyed hair and the slutty couples. Lana walks up and says she likes the slogan, and that it's catchy. Lana says that Clark has her vote. Chloe looks like she just swallowed something foul. Clark suggests having an election rally at The Talon. Lana says that's great, and that Clark knows where to find her. Certainly not at school. She's just dropping by to pick up a copy of her transcript so she can file for her GED later in life. Lana leaves. Slapping a flag on her hand, Chloe says, "You're running because of Lana." Well, duh. Why do you think Clinton stayed in politics so long? Clark says he thinks he can do a good job. Chloe "whatever"s. Clark asks why everyone has faith in him except Chloe. What follows is Chloe interrogating Clark on a multitude of issues, from arts budgets to locker searches. Somewhere in there, Clark says he stands for truth, justice, and "other stuff." Clark tells Chloe to slow down. She suggests that the Man of Tomorrow get a platform for today. Clark got zinged! As Clark walks down the hall, Pete comes up, wearing six big Clark buttons, and tells the candidate he needs to go to a volleyball game and then go out to see the sucky school band. Clark asks Pete about Clark's platform. Pete says it doesn't matter. He bangs his clipboard, all smiles, and says he doesn't write speeches. He just does meet-and-greets. You see? So much more entertaining when Pete actually has lines. Pete slaps Clark on the back and sends him on his way. As Clark walks off, Secretly Sexy Sasha takes down one of Clark's posters and looks off after Clark, menacingly.

We see a "campaign headquarters" sign done up in the same style as all the other banners on this week's episode. Sasha arrives at her ramshackle shed-like HQ. A bee buzzes by her as she walks. She goes into her dank room. We see her put up Clark's flyer on a bulletin board to one for Felice. "Who do they think they are?" she asks. Rhetorically, I'm guessing. We hear buzzing overhead. She backs away and stares up at the ceiling. She yells. The bees stop buzzing. "Not now. I have work to do," she explains. We see a swarm of CGI bees hovering around the ceiling. The bees come together to form a visage. It's of Sasha. Aw. Flattery! It's stolen from The Mummy, but so what. Sasha, the real one, smiles. So does Bee Sasha. I just figured it out. She's the Bee Girl from the Blind Melon video, all grown up!

Commercials.

Chloe's at a computer. She's working on a page of The Torch. Clark asks whether Chloe wants to help hang flyers. She says she's a member of the Fourth Estate (journalism), and that she's working on her bee attack story. She says the bees didn't migrate from their usual places, and that the bees abandoned their hives. Clark, suddenly the bee expert, says that bees are followers and usually don't do that. Chloe gives him a look similar to the one I'm giving him. He explains that MamaKent is addicted to the Discovery Channel. Chloe asks about the platform. Clark says he hasn't started it, but that he got invited to some parties. Chloe can't believe Clark's been corrupted. Clark says to remind him to pull her funding when he's elected. Chloe smiles. Clark goes hunting for the latest edition of the newspaper. Chloe hurries after him, trying to hide it. Bummer. Chloe endorsed Paul Beestung. "You endorsed Paul!" Clark says. Chloe explains that Paul will be back, and that he's the best candidate. Clark only ran because Pete suckered him into it. Clark looks nauseated. "It's nothing personal," she says. Did she think Clark was never going to see it? "I understand, Chloe," Clark says, pissily. He storms out. Chloe is sad.

The Talon. A marquee reads, "Half price lattes all week." Oh, well, just let me in there! Pete and Clark walk in. It's still empty except for a couple of jocks. Pete hands Lana a button. He just wants to watch her put it on. Pete says they stopped in to take advantage of her 2-for-1 deal. She says that's the last step before she institutes topless waitressing. When did this Lana show up? She actually has personality and isn't whining about her 2-for-1 flattened parents. Pete, God love him, says he hopes she fails miserably. Lana says the Beanery owner came over and said they planned to run her business into the ground and that it's not personal, just business. "Why does everyone over forty quote The Godfather?" Clark asks. Lana says she doesn't know, but that it's really annoying. Lana asks about the election. Clark says it shows you who your real friends are. She asks about his speech. He hasn't started it yet. Lana offers to help. "Really?" Clark asks. He tries to make sure if she has enough time. Jocko's sitting, like, five feet away. She's not concerned with his feelings anymore? Lana looks around at the empty place and says she thinks she can squeeze him in.

"Glad to see business is booming," says Lex as he walks in. Lana says it's not easy when your regular customers blow you off. Lex denies it and says he's been eyeing things. "Waiting for me to fail," Lana says. Lex says most ventures fail. "I thought you didn't like to lose," Clark says. Lex says it's not his fight. Lana asks what she should do. Lex says that the Beanery has declared war, and that she needs to get creative. He says she has to get her hands dirty, but not illegally. "To quote The Godfather, it's time to go to the mattresses." Lex isn't over forty. And I got tired of this Godfather-speak when it was played out in You've Got Mail. Lana says The Godfather should be banned from basic cable. Lex looks after Lana as she leaves. Clark smiles and shakes his head. "Don't ask," he says. Lex looks puzzled.

School. Gangsta bitches are handing out buttons for their girl, Felice. Felice, wearing cyan, is interrupted by Bee Girl. Bee Girl says she's made a decision. Felice asks if she's dropping out. Bee Girl says that Felice needs to drop out. Droll laugh. "Trust me. That's not going to happen," Pig Girl says. She says she's the front-runner. Bee Girl says that's because the school is full of drones who don't know what a qualified candidate is. She says it's like a hive with two queens, and that one always goes down. Do you mean homecoming queens and "going down"? Because I've heard that same rumor. "You know what? You're a freak," Felice says. Um, you mean "kryptofreak." Get it straight. Bee Girl says she tried to ask nicely. Felice gets into her car and drives away.

Oh man. This scene's going to be a tough one. "Gabby, you're the best part of my day," says Lex. He's face-down on a massage table. Shirtless. Calm down, calm down! Get back! Put down the camera! And that liquid substance! Chill, 'aight? Lex gets up. Oh Lord. Almost-nipples. He notices that it's not Gabby, but that crazy, slutty reporter. She's wearing a little white masseuse top and has her hair up. Even Lex's massage table has a purple cushion. Lex says it's time for her to leave. Nipples! Lex nipples! ReporterHo rubs more oil on Lex's back and asks if people always do what he asks. "Of course." Yeah, RH, have you seen the forums? ReporterHo asks if she's doing a good job. "Lucky for you," Lex says, and lies back down. Little tip, folks. Journalists? We give the best massages. Our hands are busy typing all day. She says she knows what'll tempt Lex. He moans. She says it's not the cover article, but a headline that says "son outshines father." Reporters don't usually write their own headlines. Just so you know. "How am I doing?" she asks. "A little lower," Lex says. I expect her to say, "How am I doing?" in a lower voice. Lex guesses that she's been promised a column of her own if she can land an interview. Lex moans some more. Please turn off your TVs for a bit, lest they overheat and explode. She asks if her chances are above average or "below." When she says "below," her hands disappear. Lex grunts and says he likes persistence. Especially five persistent fingers rolled up in a closed fist. She reaches for her tape recorder with her oily grotty hands. Lex stops her. "I paid for an hour," he says. Busted! Go on, ReporterHo. Get those fingers working again. Lex smiles.

School parking lot. Principal Once Upon a Time in the West Was Smooth pulls up in his sensible maroon Ford station sedan. He pulls up behind a white car and honks when it won't get out of his way. I can't believe I ever thought he was so smooth. He honks again. Gets out. Goes over to the VW and knocks on the dark tinted window. "What's the problem?" he asks. He pulls open the door. BEES! A blondie is covered in bees. She falls over onto the street. Principal Smooth in His Pants Because He Just Soiled Them reacts in obvious horror. Blondie wriggles.

Clark is in the hallway at school. If he had Spider Sense, he'd have known about the parking lot. Instead, he's oblivious and passing out buttons. He tells Pete that he actually likes the whole getting-out-and- meeting-people part. Stud. Pete says that, according to his lunchtime poll, Clark has a shot. He shows Clark a clipboard to confirm it. Chloe walks up. "Hey!" she says. Clark stiffens. And not in the good way. Pete hides his clipboard. Chloe starts to frown. She asks how things are going. "No comment -- that way she can't misquote you," Pete says. Chloe looks totally bummed. Get used to it, Lois-in-training. Clark changes the subject and asks about Felice. Chloe says she was stung way worse than DorkPaul was. Felice is in a coma. Pete says it's a weird coincidence. Clark says it's way past coincidence, and he suddenly remembers that Bee Girl was stung by a hive of bees the year before. Of course! Chloe asks if Bee Girl might be controlling the swarm. Bell rings. Clark says it's a theory. Chloe tells Clark to watch his back, and walks off. One time, a freaky, long-haired, chain-smoking bully told me that when he accidentally thought I'd said something mean about his girlfriend. I set up fucking surveillance cameras, I was watching my back so hard. He ended up shaking my hand when he figured out it wasn't me. Sometimes, he still sends me little gift baskets.

Clark is at his locker. They're really getting their money's worth on the school set this week. Clark runs into Bee Girl. She says Felice didn't care about the election as much as Bee Girl does. Clark says that nobody deserves to be stung by bees like that. Except maybe Jean-Marie Le Pen. She says that Clark should just let her run things. "What about democracy?" he asks. Bee Girl goes all intense as she explains that if she doesn't win, her parents think she won't get into a good college. We never actually see her parents in this episode, but that's beside the point, I guess. "This is my thing," she says. She tells Clark to drop out. He says he has his own reasons for seeing this through. Bee Girl says he's making a mistake. Clark asks if that's a threat. Then he asks whether she knows how those bees got into Felice's car. Bee Girl asks if Clark is accusing her. Clark thinks somebody's behind it. He walks off. Bee Girl looks pissed. Intense music plays.

We watch Lana and Clark as the sweet music of hormonal longing plays. Clark says he's done three drafts of his speech, and that none of them sound presidential. Maybe if he threw in some stuff about "strategery," it would improve. Lana says he has to say what he believes. She whines about the Talon. Clark says it's amazing what Lana's done so far. Lana says it was just the beginning. She wanted to restore the theater and show old movies. Subtext: because of her parents, who died when they were the same height as floor tiles. "Just not The Godfather," Clark says about her movie fantasy. Lana reiterates that she believes in his speech. Clark says he believes in his friends and their dreams. Lana whines about hers crashing down. Clark says nothing's going to crash down on her while he's around. What if her makeup cakes up and falls on the ground, killing any stray midgets below? Will you be there then, Clark? Smiles. Suddenly, Lana hears some rustling. It sounds remarkably swarm-like. They hear it all around them, in the walls. Clark uses his x-ray vision. He sees a bunch of bees going through the pipes. He pulls Lana into a closet. Superspeeds it into a room. He does the old switcheroo where he stands to the open door and lets all the bees come in. He closes the door behind them (hope they wiped their little feet before dirtying the carpet), pulls a pipe from the wall (how did he know what would come out?), and douses the bees with a cold, freezing substance. It's white and billowy and not at all phallic as he thrusts it forth. The bees freeze. So does Clark's hand, but it's all right. He's Super. The room is suddenly blue. We go to commercial as Clark looks conflicted about his frozen pipe.

Ooh, a storm is coming to Smallville! Set your TiVo.

Lana and Clark on her porch. She can't believe he didn't get stung. Lana complains about insurance forms. Again: has she totally given up on a formal education? She says she's fine, thanks to Clark. Nell pulls up. Clark says he had a really nice time. Lana laughs that they should do this more often. Clark says he has to find Bee Girl. Lana says Clark should get help from Chloe. Clark says he and Chloe aren't really talking, and that he's still mad that she didn't endorse him. Lana says that if she were in Chloe's position, she'd probably do the same thing. Traitors! They're all traitors! "Still," Clark says. Lana says Chloe did what she thought was right. I guess that makes it all right, then.

The shack of Bee Girl. Clark walks right in. He scopes around. A hand pulls him back. Acccckk! It's Chloe! She says she heard about the Talon, and thanks Clark for the call. He says he's sorry. Clark awkwardly makes up with Chloe. She smiles and says she could have warned him. They both smile. Clark says that everything has changed in his life. His parents. Lana. He says the only thing constant has been Chloe. She looks like she's going to cry. "Me too," she says. Something falls on Clark's shoulder. He examines it. It's honeyish in appearance. Chloe says that honey is what you usually find in a hive. She points her flashlight up, and it's bee city in the rafters. Clark asks whether Bee Girl did all this. Chloe says it was her worker bees, and that she's emitting a queen pheromone to control them. Some Secret deodorant will clear that right up. Chloe explains that when Bee Girl fell into that hive last year, she got stung over a thousand times by Africanized honey bees. She would have been dead. Come on. She was even allergic. Chloe explains that she'd fallen into a meteorite crater. "You do the meteorite math," she says. I do. Every goddamned week. Chloe says that once Bee Girl loses her control, her scent will change and the bees will know. So will the cows.

Talon. ReporterHo comes in and finds Lex. She says she thought he wanted to meet somewhere private. Well, The Talon is private. Lex asks how the article is going. He looks like he's coiled for an attack. She says that people will see him in a whole new light. Lex says he's gotten to read a rough draft. He pulls out a color proof where the headline reads, "Paper Tiger." "It's fair and accurate," she says, half smiling. Lex says it's a hatchet job. She babbles about a journalism professor telling her that if you want to bring someone down, you need to know his weakness. For Lex, it's his ego. Lex says they like to mix metaphors at East Tennessee Community College. Ha! She's a flunky. She says she has nothing to hide. Lex thinks his father hired her. She says she plans on being a hard-hitting journalist, and Lex is just her first target. Lex smiles. He asks what it'll take to make the article go away. "Unlike your whore at the Inquisitor, I'm not for sale," she says, and walks off. "Goodbye, Lex. Thanks for being my first," she says, as she goes. Lex looks pretty damn pissed. Can I just say what an improvement this girl is over Boobs McChesty?

Bee Girl in the Barnness of Pulchritude. Clark surprises her. Clark says he decided to drop out of the election. "Good," she says. She rags on the student body and their lack of direction. Clark accuses her of putting her opponents in the hospital. Bee Girl says that she knows what this is, and that Clark hasn't dropped out at all. Way-too-dramatic music plays as Clark accuses her, and she admits it. She says no one can stop her. "Try me," Clark says. Ooh, baby. She says that's what Clark wants, and that's why he "lured" her there. Shocking lack of sexual subtext in this scene. They're saving it for the Clex. "What are you gonna do, Clark?" Bee Girl asks. Then she closes her eyes and wills her bees to attack. He asks what she's doing. She says she's teaching Clark that politics is about sacrifice. I thought politics was about money. "Where are you sending them?" he asks. She says that Clark may be thick-skinned, but what about his mother? Yikes! Not MamaKent!

MamaKent is on a big-ass tractor. She stops and looks at the sky. She sees the swarm coming. Run, MamaKent, run! It's coming! She just keeps looking at it. Commercials.

Best commercial ever: Levi Lightweight Jeans.

The home stretch. MamaKent finally gets off the tractor and starts running. Couldn't she just thresh the bees or something? She runs. Bees swarm. Clark shows up. He zips to her. We get the slow-motion, Matrix thing, only retarded. MamaKent turns and jumps backward in a weird, fake-looking arc. Clark speeds over and catches her. He zips over to the underground shed.

MamaKent thanks Clark and breathlessly says, "I've never seen bees attack like that!" Hasn't she ever seen Fox's When Bees Attack Like That!? MamaKent asks where the bees went.

Cut to Bee Girl going back to her election shed. Clark is there waiting for her. She asks how he got there, and what about his mom? "My mom's fine," he says angrily. He says it's over. She says she still has a speech to make. She threatens to let loose the dogs of...um, "bees" of war on the auditorium full of people. Clark tries to reason with her. She says she has to win and has to be a leader. Just then, the bees circle around her barn. She tells Clark she didn't tell the bees to come back. Scary! No, not really. The bees pound on the windows and bust through. She gets stung. "Don't let them kill me!" she whines. Clark looks around as the bees attack. He sees a bunch of gas cans just sitting there. He sees a screwdriver. He makes a diving throw out of fake field and we see the screwdriver hurtle toward the gas cans. It punctures one of them and BOOM! Clark dives on Bee Girl. The building explodes. Uh huh. Surely. Boom. Yeah.

Aftermath. Clark pushes a bunch of wood planks aside and carries Bee Girl away from the burning scene. You might say her ambitions stung her in the end. Heh heh.

School. Pete tells Clark that he can't believe Bee Girl and Felice dropped out and Clark still lost. Sadness. Clark says they had a good campaign, and now have enough t-shirts to last a lifetime. Chloe takes their picture. She says it's for DorkPaul, who couldn't attend his own victory party. Clark says that Chloe was right in her editorial, and that he just got caught in the popularity contest. He eats a cheese puff for emphasis. Chloe says her candidate won, but her friend lost. She says she's proud of Clark because he's being graceful in the face of crushing, withering, awful defeat. She says it's a quality all great leaders possess.

Lex shows up. He's appreciative of the big crowd at the Talon. He tells Lana so. Lana says she went to the mattresses. Oh, really? No, just the metaphoric ones. She told The Ledger about some health violations The Beanery had been trying to cover up. Lex admires her moxie. Not anything else about her, but the moxie's good. Lex and Clark finally hook up. Lex says his dad told him you learn more about yourself when you lose. Bo must be the most self-aware man in the universe. Clark says he learned he's not destined for politics. Lex says you don't have to be a politician to change the world. You just have to have big breasts. Clark asks whether Lex has thought about getting into politics. Lex says someday he'd like to be president. Spooky! Clark says Lex can have his slogan back. Lex says Clark can keep it. Clark smiles all pretty at Lex.

ReporterHo is actually in a very nice black dress as she enters Lex's lair. She says she only came because she had to hear this. She tape records their conversation. Lex says he asked her over to congratulate her. He says he's impressed that she caught him with his guard down. She says this is where he'll try to blackmail her to change her story. He says he wouldn't dream of it. Lex says his father told him that when people stop talking about you, you should worry. ReporterHo turns off her recorder. "Then I guess we're settled," she says. Lex still owes her for the massage oil. Lex says it turns out there's an opening for managing editor at her paper. She says if there was an opening, she'd know about it. Lex says they don't know the same people. Lex says she can run her article, or she can have a corner office the day. First off, no reporter wants to go from being inexperienced to being a managing editor. There's no way you'd survive. Also, most reporters don't want to be editors. It goes against their urge to see their name in print and make a name for themselves. Also, half her staff is going to quit when they find out she was promoted and is so incompetent. Just a warning. Lex says the choice is hers. She asks what the catch is. Lex says there is none. Except that if someone tries to blackmail her, now she has something to hide. Like the whole newsroom won't figure out what happened. She says she doesn't know if he's better or worse than his father. He asks what his dad will say when he finds out. She asks how Lex knows Papa Luthor is behind it. Lex asks that she not insult his intelligence. She says she'll tell Papa she got an offer she couldn't refuse. Sigh. More Godfather. They shake hands. She gives the camera a smoldering look.

The Clark Barn. Strummy alt-rock crap. Lana shows up. Clark is taking down campaign posters and says it's back to being just a barn. And his home. Clark says he's glad about the Talon's increased popularity. Lana says she didn't like playing dirty. Clark says maybe the mattresses aren't for her. Virgin, much? She says she had to choose between being successful and doing the right thing. She says she kinda liked being underhanded. "Lana Lang seduced by the dark side? Who would have thunk?" Clark asks. Don't tell anyone, but Lana actually wasn't too bad in this episode. Clark says he got caught up in the popularity thing, too. She asks whether he finished his speech. He says he did. She says she'd like to hear it. "Now," she says. Clark looks doubtful. Lana starts chanting, "Speech, speech, speech!" Clark stands to her and starts reading. It's not as good as the speech Lana's dead mom once read. We pan out of the barn while Clark reads his boring-ass speech. We pan up to the moon as the strummy music takes over.

week: Chloe kisses someone, and there's a funeral. See ya then. Oh, and by the way: the rumors of my death and zombification were greatly exaggerated. ["For now. Mwah ha ha!" -- Wing Chun]