Ash Tuesday

S01E17

By Omar G

A heart monitor beeping in a dark hospital room. Footsteps. A door opens. A shadow creeps over a bed where a middle-aged woman is sleeping, a tube under her nose. Beep. Beep. Beep. (That's not me. It's the heart monitor.) A young man wearing red kneels to her bed. He's got a weird wristwatch-looking bracelet with a familiar green glowing stone on it. He's also got a hippie bead necklace. We pan up to his face and -- David Spade, no! Except he's a little more rugged and, as it turns out, more Latino than David Spade. He's David Espado. The woman's puffy, red eyes open. She's having a Visine night. She blinks a few times. Looks over. "Tyler," she says. Then, "I missed you." Espado may be Latino, but he sounds like he's the whitest boy in Vermont. He says he missed Mom too, and asks if she got his postcards. He sends his mom postcards? Most just send home their laundry. She says she didn't think he'd come. For added emphasis and guilt, she begins coughing. Espado gets up to get a doctor, but Mom stops him, saying she asked him to come by for a reason. She says she needs help. A bedpan, maybe? She says she wants him to help her die. Aw, Mom, again? You always make me kill you, Ma! Jeez! I'm suffocating in this family! Espado gets up quickly and backs away, saying she's going to get well. She counters by saying that she wants to be buried in her hometown of Smallville. to where they buried all the other folks who only appeared in one episode this season. He tells her to be strong, as he fights off tears. Mom says she can't fight this anymore. In fact, she's forgotten what she started fighting for. It's time to bring this ship into the shore. And throw away the oars, forever. "If you love me...you'll do this for me," Mom finally says. Aw, Mom! Nice. Real fair. Jeez, Mom. Why can't you ask one of my six brothers to kill you, huh? I always get the short end of the euthanasia stick. Guilt trip, party of one! Espado looks disgusted. He starts to walk off. Then he turns and closes the door. What kind of hospital room has a little window you can look through?

Espado lowers his mom's breathing tube. Kisses her on the forehead. "I love you, Mom," he says. She says she loves him back. "Now hurry up and kill me, you ungrateful little whelp! I'm not getting any more alive here!" Espado takes a pillow from under her, lowers her head gently, then puts the pillow over her head. She must be a shallow breather because two seconds later she's already flatlining. Espado rests his own head on the pillow, crying. A nurse runs in. "Oh my God, security!" she yells. Like she's never seen this before. She pulls Espado off. "She was in pain!" he wails. Other folks run in trying to figure out what's going on. A security guard tangles with Espado and they do a little grapple dance. Espado yells, "Let go!" and he gets thrown right through the window, as is wont to happen on this show. He falls spectacularly and crashes several floors below. Helpfully, my closed captioning reads, "Thud."

Medical examiner's office. I wish I watched C.S.I. so I could give you a comparison here, but all I've ever done is read Patricia Cornwell novels, so I'll do my best. The coroner is saying he's got a male Caucasian with multiple wounds consistent with a fall over twenty feet. Hey, I thought this guy was Latino. Damn you, WB! The ME says the subject's neck is broken just below the axis. His booty is broken too, just above the Allies. As sad music plays, we pan over Espado's lifeless body under a white sheet. "What have we got here?" the ME asks as he pulls the sheet back over one of Espado's hands. "Oh, man. That's gotta hurt," he says. If anyone can find where a medical examiner has ever said that to anyone, much less himself, I will pay them a shiny $1 bill. The ME finds the silver bracelet and pulls Espado's hand into a more normal position, cracking bones along the way. A piece of green rock is lodged into Espado's wrist. It's wedged between two body parts I'm not going to bother to transcribe because it sounds like medical jargon. The ME tries to pull on the stone with some weak-ass tweezers. Get the forceps! The stone finally comes out in a little CGI puff of green smoke. "Okay. Let's take a look under the hood," the ME says, after he's done playing with the green rock. He puts on goggles, turns on a whirring saw and, behind a scrim, starts to go to work. But, no! Espado pulls a Carrie and opens his eyes, grabbing the ME's wrist. As a whooshing sound effect plays, the ME's body turns black. He's becoming a huge pile of ash! This is like tanning gone horribly wrong. From behind the scrim again, we see the ME's body turn skeletal, then disintegrate like so much flimsy kryptovillain plot scripting. Horror music plays. Espado gets up. His huge head enters the scrim area. If he had a partner facing him, he could sound out words. The last shot in the scene is of Espado's foot hitting a pile of dust. Ewww! Yeah, take that, ashes. Espado is now named Ash Espado, and if this were a '70s cop drama, the episode would be called, "Ashes to Ashes, Death to Death."

Opening credits. Seventeen times and the song just gets better and better.

Mark Snow brings us back with some small-town episode-beginning music. The blue Kent truck pulls up to what looks like a general store. Before the truck has barely stopped, our mopey superhero is already sighing and complaining to the driver, MamaKent, that he doesn't want to be there. Turns out it's an old folks' home and Clark doesn't like being around old and sick people. I didn't like that attitude when I saw it in John Cusack in Say Anything. And you know what, Clark? You're no John Cusack. Clark says you can't save old people from disease or old age. Well, gee, Clark, did you ever think about becoming a superdoctor? MamaKent says you can save them from loneliness. With the powers of the WB? Good luck. As they carry a bunch of flowers in, MamaKent asks Clark if he's excited about the big fishing trip week. Clark is less than thrilled, as am I at the prospect of recapping a fishing trip, Bo Duke or not. Clark says he's been going on these fishing trips since he was seven. That's not even ten years. Lighten up, doofball. MamaKent is amazed. An MTV-generation teen not enjoying the tranquility of fishing? Clark says he liked it when he was younger, but now? Those hormones of his aren't really craving it. MamaKent suggests he tell Bo Duke how he feels about the fishing.

Just then, a man with a huge salt-and-pepper mustache and a John Mahoney voice introduces a new employee to the Kents. It's Ash Espado, looking like a squinty young David Duchovny. He and Clark shake hands and we see that Ash is wearing thin brown gloves, perhaps Thinsulates. Ash compliments the Kents for their organic produce and says he's in town making funeral preparations for his mother. MamaKent says she's sorry to hear that. (The mother part, not the part about the produce.) They get to their produce deliveries. First on their list is Mrs. Sykes. Clark complains about her dog Pepper. "Oh, Pepper's not so bad," MamaKent says, as they go inside. No joke: I used to have a dog named Pepper growing up. She was a black poodle. Seriously.

Inside. Pepper's barking up a storm. MamaKent makes an absurd fuss over the dog, introducing it to Ash Espado. Pepper, wearing a sad little red sweater, growls off-camera at Ash, then keeps barking. Clark goes off to get Pepper some grub.

Inside Mrs. Sykes's bedroom, MamaKent and Ash go in to deliver some food. Mrs. Sykes, in bed and watching a cooking show, asks if that's Clark because he looks different. Ash, who MamaKent introduces as their new driver, starts getting some stuff for Mrs. Sykes when she suddenly has a pain and moans. "It hurts," she says. Then she asks for her pills. Clark asks if there's anything they can do for her. "Wish there were," MamaKent says. Hey, I know! Death! Ash offers some beautiful irises to the woman he calls a "beautiful lady." See? I told you he was Latino. Look at him work it. He'll have her millions in just a few days. "Don't ever get old and sick, son," Mrs. Sykes says. Is it just me or is every elderly person on this show portrayed as sick and dying, out for revenge, or clairvoyant? Somebody needs to bring in Wilford Brimley as Lana's long-lost uncle. As Mrs. Sykes talks about how the world has no use for old people, Ash puts on a glove and touches her arm. Great. Now he's Jean Grey. He says he'll bring her more irises tomorrow. "I like roses," Mrs. Sykes says. "White ones." You'll take irises and you'll like them, or Ash'll give you the back of his gloved hand, you ungrateful hag! Oh, wait. Was I just projecting? Sorry. Ash agrees. "I like this one, Martha," Mrs. Sykes says. Go on, take him then. He only charges $500 an hour!

Lex at home. He passes by a piece of art that looks like a color chart you could set your TV to. Lex is stopped by an intruder playing pool in his parlor. It's Dominic the Annoying Lionel Luthor Henchman, or as he's better known in acting circles, "Jason Connery, Sean Connery's son." Dominic says Papa Luthor is disappointed with Lex. Lex says that's perennial and wants to know what Dominic wants. In his Scottish brogue, Connery pate, and purple tie, Dominic says that an internal audit has shown some irregularities in Lex's spending of company funds. He does this while shooting pool with Lex's stick. The nerve! Dominic says he's there to do a thorough investigation. Lex smiles and says this is punishment for his turning down his father's offer to join Luthorcorp in Metropolis. Last week, remember? Dominic says that Papa Luthor wants to know where Lex is spending his money, since it's not going to sports cars or parties. Lex asks if Dominic knows what his father got him for his tenth birthday. It was a copy of Will to Power. I have no idea what that book is, but I'll be sure to pick it up for my kids someday if it's that good a children's read. "Behold the superman. Man is something to be overcome," Lex quotes. It was a book made of cheese? Lex for once is tiresome as he recounts his upbringing after his mother died and how Nietzsche and others raised him. His sad growing-up stories are getting almost as tiresome as Lana's. Lex rambles about his dad's tests and how losing was for the weak. "I'll remember that if I'm ever interviewed by the Biography channel," Dominic zings. Wow. Nice one. Lex smiles. Lex asks Dominic to remember who he was raised by. "I'm still my father's son," Lex says. "Tread carefully."

The Talon. Lana is serving up drinks because she obviously never has to go to school anymore. Clark is at a table reading a fishing magazine with lots of boring-looking pictures. Lex walks up behind Clark and comments on the fishing mag. Clark mentions that he and his dad have an annual fishing trip. "Of course you do," Lex says, a little condescendingly. Lex says he and his dad went on a fishing trip once. They were the bait in a cage for some great whites in Australia. Fun! Lex says he only went because his dad thought he wouldn't. They never went on another father-son trip again. Tired of Lex's stories yet? I never thought I'd see the day. Clark says he wishes they could do something besides fishing. Lex offers two skybox tickets for a Metropolis Sharks football game. Clark says his dad has been following the team. "Problem solved," Lex says, and gets up. Clark sighs deeply. Yep. Lex afterglow.

At the counter, Lana is shedding the fakest tears in the history of acting. Somewhere James Lipton is stabbing his own heart with a sharpened note card. Clark comes over to see what's wrong. Lana can't open her eyes because her fake tears make her heavy mascara glue her lids shut. She says it was Jocko Whitney's mom. Jocko's dad had another heart attack. Another one? Is he one of the Chicago Bears superfans from SNL?

Bo in the barn wearing big goggles and doing some acetylene torching. Bo gets a tap on the shoulder. He spins and it's Dominic, holding his hands up and acting all surprised that he almost got the rest of his hair torched off. Bo points out the obvious folly in sneaking up on someone with a torch. Or especially a whole town full of torch bearers. Just look where it got Frankenstein's monster. Dominic introduces himself. His last name is "Senatori." Oh, geez. Dominic tells Bo that he works for Papa Luthor and that he's following up on a research project Lex instigated. Bo tries to beg off. Dominic brings up the Lex/Clark Porsche-and-bridge crash that started it all in the pilot episode. He says that Lex has been researching the accident since it happened and he wants to see if Bo knows why. Bo says it was just an accident and that Clark saved Lex. End of story. Dominic wants to know why Lex commissioned an in-depth profile into Clark and his family. Here's where Bo suddenly looks serious and scared. Both men stare. "I have no idea," Bo finally says. Dominic starts to leave. Bo asks, just out of curiosity, what the research findings were. Dominic turns as he leaves, but doesn't answer. That sneaky Senatori!

Clark and Lana at the hospital where yet another very dark patient room exists with no visible light. Jocko's dad asks if it's Jocko. Lana says it's Clark. JockoDad asks for his son and says he hasn't seen him yet. Lana says he'll be there soon. Clark asks Lana quietly where Jocko is. Lana says she doesn't know. JockoDad falls asleep.

Kent kitchen. Bo is at a table playing with his fishing equipment. Mostly he's just spinning the thing that holds the fishing line. Clark comes in. Bo asks about JockoDad. "You remember this?" Bo says, and points a fishing rod at Clark. Clark remembers it as his first fishing rod. Before he found he could just catch fish with his supersped-up hands. Bo remembers he had to pry the rod from Clark's hands just to get him to go to sleep at night. Aw, Bo's so cute in this scene. Clark asks what Bo would think about sitting in a skybox watching the football game on Sunday. Bo says, "I'd say the milk river's changed quite a bit." Huh? Bo asks if Lex arranged all this. Bo brings up the unexpected visit he had that morning from Dominic. Clark says he knew about the investigation but that Lex promised it was all in the past. Bo gets mad that Clark knew all this time and never mentioned it. Bo rants about not being able to protect his son if he doesn't know what's going on. Clark pouts that he doesn't need protection. "Stop treating me like a kid!" Clark suddenly says, right into Bo's face. On the verge of tears, Clark says he's not seven anymore and that he doesn't even like fishing and only does it to make Bo happy. You just broke your poor Pappy's heart, boy. Bo indeed looks like he's going to cry. Awkward moment. Clark backs up and says that didn't come out right. "No, son, I think it did," Bo says. What an assy way to end things, Pappy.

Mrs. Sykes' nursing home room. Somebody's sneaking in. Oh, man, Ash was serious! He's going to bed her like she's Martha Raye! Pepper, who was on the bed, starts barking. "Pepper?" Mrs. Sykes calls out. We see a hand move toward the dog and then Pepper's barking stops in a muffled whine. No! Not Pepper! Noooooo! Ash Espado walks in. "I brought you a white rose," he says to Mrs. Sykes, who begins coughing. He hands her a glass of water. She wheezes. Ash kneels by the bed. He asks if she doesn't wish sometimes that her pain would just end. "Oh. Yes," she says. "I can't go on. Not like this." Ash says it'll all be over soon as sad death music plays. He takes his hand. Puts it on hers. Her hand turns dark. We pan up to her face which is being covered with CGI darkness too. She turns to ash on her pillow. Overhead shot of said ashening. We go to commercial. For Wendy's. How appetizing after watching someone get ashified.

Kitchen of the Kents. Clark comes downstairs and asks MamaKent where Bo Duke is. She says he got an early start on the chores. You know those chores aren't going to just magically sprout little elves' wings and go down by the meadow with the unicorn and do themselves with the help of a sprightly breakfast cereal leprechaun, right, Clark? Clark asks if Bo is avoiding him. MamaKent gets a little angry, and says that she's not going to play referee in their little piss match. Clark says they'll be weird for a while and then things will go back to normal. MamaKent says that's not dealing with it. And if there's one thing this family is good at, it's dealing with problems in about forty-five minutes, sans commercials. MamaKent says both Clark and Bo are stubborn, and chooses this moment to reveal that Bo and his father drifted apart toward the elder's later years. MamaKent says that when Grandpappy Kent passed away, there were lots of things Bo didn't get to tell him. So many platitudes, never spoken. MamaKent says she doesn't want to see history repeat itself. Except for the part of history where man walked on the moon. Because that fucking ruled. USA! USA!

Schoolyard. Clark catches up with Chloe and Pete. Hey, Pete. I know you were gone last week. Wanna take a line? No? Okeedoke. Clark says he just heard about Mrs. Sykes. Chloe says the fuzz are telling everyone it was a fire, but all they found were the woman's ashes. How can they tell the ashes were her? Does she have identifying dust characteristics? Chloe says she thinks it's spontaneous combustion. For the sake of our younger viewers, Pete explains what that is: "Chloe thinks the old lady burst into flames." You mean like Lex? Chloe busts out a disco story about some girl who was dancing and suddenly burst into flames, turning into a "Human Torch." Clark says Chloe doesn't have to look so happy about it. "I'm not happy," Chloe says, bringing down her smile a notch. "I'm intrigued." Pete surmises Chloe is still going to look into it. Chloe asks if she's that transparent. "Yes," Clark and Pete both answer. This is the part where the deep Pete subplot emerges, right? No? Well, then. Moving on...

Bo in the barn again. This time he's throwing hay from the loft. Why put the hay up there in the first place? Seems counterintuitive to me. Lex walks in calling out for Mr. Kent. Bo calls back that Clark's not there. Lex says he came to talk to Bo. He wants to know if they're coming to the football game Sunday. Bo drops a bale of hay right in front of Lex. He says he's going fishing, dammit. He says he doesn't know what Clark is doing. You mean Sunday or in general, what with the entangling arms of hot sweaty Lex infatuation? Lex says the tickets were a gift. Bo tries some sarcasm as a response, but speaks more loudly with another bale of dropped hay. Lex sidesteps. Lex says that's not fair and that he doesn't think Bo knows how he regards Clark and his family. As hand puppets. Bo says they're just the pawns in Lex's never-ending game with his dad. Lex suddenly asks if Bo has any family pictures. Well, fucking duh. Why do you think there's so much "cheese" around? Lex starts in on another grating sob story, revealing that the only family photos he has are from Luthorcorp's annual report. Bo asks if he's supposed to feel sorry for Lex, who looks like he's about to cry. Oh, are you gonna cry, Lexy Wexy? Do you want a bottle? Baby bottle, widdle Lex? (Smack.) Hey, stop hitting yourself. Heh. Are you gonna hit yourself again, baby? (Smack.) Sorry, folks. I don't know where that came from. Lex says that what he feels for the Kents is envy. Bo asks why, if Lex feels that way, he's investigating the Kents behind their backs. Lex hesitates, then says he wanted to know what happened the day of that accident on the bridge. The one with the car or the one in his pants? Lex says he had a theory that was wrong and that he was upfront with Clark about it. Doesn't being upfront mean you tell someone before you do something to screw them over? Lex surmises that Clark wasn't upfront with Bo. "He's a good kid. I don't want that to change," Bo says. Lex says he doesn't want that either. He starts to leave. But before he leaves, Lex says that since he met Clark, Bo hasn't seen anything about him but the name Luthor. Bo growls that Lex hasn't given him a reason to see anything else. What about his prettiness?

Whitest basketball court ever. Clark walks up as Jocko is shooting a hoop or two. Clark tries to be friendly and asks if Jocko saw that K-State game last week. Jocko asks what Clark is doing there. He asks if Lana sent Clark. Clark says he knew Jocko would see right through Lana's deadly game of cat and mouse. Jocko says he's not mad. He speaks of himself in third person as being the heartless son who hasn't visited his dying father in the hospital. Creepy. Jocko, red-nosed, says he remembers his dad saying he wanted to be there when he threw his first pass for the Metropolis Sharks. Clark, dumbly, says it could still happen. Jocko ignores him and say his dad was the strongest man he ever saw. Jocko says that when he sees his dad in the hospital, it kills him because that's not his father. That's a weak little man. He tells Clark that he'll have his dad supporting him for years to come and all Jocko will have is a memory of his dad. He doesn't want that memory to be a sick man in a hospital bed. Selfish, much? "I'd take the man over the memory any day of the week," Clark says, walking off. That didn't disagree much, did it?

Chloe runs up to Clark as he's walking off the court. She found something in the Daily Planet. It's a Metropolis coroner who was turned to ash. They make the connection between that and the recently ashed Mrs. Sykes. Chloe says it would be nice to check out that house. She's smiling big again. Clark nods.

Somehow they got into a crime scene. Chloe flashes pictures of the Hiroshima-like flash outline on the bed. Clark looks a little freaked out. Clark says it's a crime scene. "So?" Chloe asks. She must be getting along nicely with that cute cop she was going to ask to the prom. Clark notices there's no barking. "I wasn't planning on it," Chloe says. Awww. I wanted to hear her bark and then I wanted to hear a Clark bark. "Pepper!" Clark suddenly says. Yeah, Pepper! Don't leave me hanging about the pooch! Clark calls out for Pepper. Chloe surmises that an animal shelter came and got her. Clark uses his X-ray vision and finds some ashes and a "Pepper" dog tag behind a curtain. "Yuck," says Chloe. Word. Clark notices something else, too. A white rose by the bed. Clark says that he has a feeling that what happened was combustion, but it wasn't spontaneous. Poor Clark, having to read such bad lines this week.

Big, grisly caretaker man greets MamaKent at the nursing home as she arrives in the blue truck. She says she's delivering some produce and acts a little shady when Mustache Man tries to help her with it. She busts into a storage area and finds Ash Espado. "Oh! What are you doing here?" she says. As if she didn't know. I think she was looking for a taste of the cigarette tip. By which I mean, a nice ashy burn. Everything goes weird and strobey. It's an awful effect. Ash tries to help MamaKent with the produce and he turns it all to ash even though he's only touching what looks like a plastic basket. Wouldn't MamaKent's hands, which are holding the basket, also burn up? Not that we need any logic in this episode or anything. "Mrs. Sykes. That was you," MamaKent says. Um. Yes. Yes it was. Mustache Man comes in and MamaKent tells him to call the sheriff. He tries to grab Ash and, well, you can probably guess what happens. Mustache Man becomes urn filler. MamaKent cries out. What is up with this stupid strobe effect? It looks like we're watching Claymation.

Outside, Clark is jogging up to the old folks' home. He X-rays the building and sees two skeletons, one stalking the other. "Mom!" he cries. He knows what his mom's skeleton looks like? Clark zips inside and stands between the two of them. "Get away from her," he says. MamaKent warns Clark not to touch Ash. Ash puts his hand on Clark's purty face and it starts turning black. Before Clark can start to look like an Easter Island head, he throws Ash off, making him sail through the air with one mighty throw. MamaKent asks if Clark is all right. He just moans. Clark goes over to the boxes where he threw Ash, but it doesn't look like he's there anymore. Clark touches his instantly healed cheek and looks back at MamaKent. We go to commercial. That was...less than exciting.

The Fortress of Barnitude. (Although in this episode, I suppose you could call it the Fortress of Boreditude.) Sweet reconciliation music plays as Bo slowly comes up some stairs and, without a door to walk up to, knocks on a wood beam. That's the dumbest thing I've seen in, oh, about six minutes. Bo reports that MamaKent is resting, but that she'll be fine. She had a near-ashing, but she escaped, ash-free. Clark says that he doesn't think the police are going to find Ash. "Why?" Bo asks. Clark says because he saw Ash's heart and it wasn't beating. Wait, when? We never saw that. If ever there was a time to use that cool Fight Club going-into-the-body CGI, this is it, not to look into Bo's eye. Geez. Bo asks how Ash can walk around if he's dead. Clark asks how he can turn people to ash. Touché. Only, stupid. Clark says that when Ash touched his face, he felt the life draining out of him. Bo moves to touch Clark's cheek, saying, "You sure -- " but Clark cuts him off and pulls away. Awkward silence. Bo gets up to leave. Clark stops him. "Yeah?" Bo asks. "Nothing," Clark says. Oh damn you farm boys and your tough repression!

The Talon. Lana sees Clark walking in. She's wearing a strange bluish blazer that makes her look like she should be working a makeover counter at Dillard's. Lana is surprised about Ash. She says he seemed nice. When? In those lost minutes we never got to see? Clark says whatever she does, not to touch him. Instead, Clark thinks, she should touch me. Repeatedly. Lana changes the subject from the potentially life-threatening to the boring. She says Jocko called and wants to talk later. She thanks Clark. Then she leaves. No reason. She just leaves.

Lex walks in. He asks Clark about the football game and whether Bo is going. Clark says he's not sure. Lex says that's funny because Bo sounded adamant about not going. He rescinds the ticket offer, like a rogue Ticketmaster agent who doesn't like you. Lex says he doesn't want to stand in the way of Clark and Bo's quality time. At least not during the day. Lex blah blahs about how his dad never loved him either and how he had no discipline. Strange repetitive music is playing in the background. Lex concludes his little sob speech by saying that when his father dies, kings will come to the funeral. When Bo dies, friends will come. And Tom Wopat. What was the point of that scene exactly? To bore me? Nice job.

Graveyard at night. Lana goes up to Jocko, who says that in all the time they've known each other, he's never been out there. Lana says it's all right. Jocko says it's not. He cries about how hard it is to think of losing his parents. Go see him, Jocko. But I don't wanna. No, go! Hug. Sniffle. Weird Lana glow-in-the-dark makeup. Jocko decides to go to the hospital. He asks if Lana wants him to walk her home. She says she's going to stay and talk to her tortillas, er, parents.

Just as Jocko leaves and Lana walks through the graveyard, spooky music plays. Lana turns and it's Ash. He's wearing gloves. He says he doesn't want to hurt her and he just wants to bring people peace. Messiah Complex, much? Ash says he overheard the Jocko conversation. He says he can help her friend by doing a little Kevorkian maneuver. Lana hears a branch snap. She turns. When she turns back, Ash is gone. More mood music. Is this episode over yet?

Lex's study. He and Dominic are still hashing out financial discrepancies. What they need to do is get Miss Moneypenny on the case. She'll sort it all out. Lex says he's tired of all the bean counting. He offers Dominic a thirty-year-old single-malt. Is that a drink or a manservant? Lex repeats almost verbatim his speech from the last episode about how his father is afraid of Lex's success. "Now I'm competition," Lex says, in case we didn't already get it last week. During this conversation, Dominic gives Lex a sly, appraising look, and for lack of competition, it will have to do as the Gayest Look of the Episode. I'll have to assume many more and Gayer looks were exchanged later, when Dominic was bound and gagged. Dominic busts in with a line about how some things are better left between therapist and patient. It's not as good as his Biography line, and Lex seems to know it. He looks pissed. He says that in ancient Persia, kings would kill messengers they didn't like. He hints that he can't put a sword in Dominic's chest, but that something more subtle might be in order. "Enjoying your drink?" Lex asks. We pan down to show that Lex hasn't had any of the drink he poured for himself. Close-up on Dominic's drink and a very worried-looking Sean Connery's son.

The Torch. Chloe is showing some of the autopsy photos of Ash which I don't recall were ever actually shot. But don't kill me. I'm just the messenger. Pete takes his third and second-to-last line of the episode, an expression of disgust. Chloe says she has a friend at the ME's office who "zip filed" the toxicology report. So either he compressed it or put it on a Zip disk. Why would either one matter at all? Couldn't he have just e-mailed it? Chloe says they found a green rock embedded in Ash's wrist. "Meteor rocks," Pete says. Thanks, Pete! Your services will no longer be needed this week. Clark asks why all the dead bodies in town aren't rising. Chloe says the combination of meteor rock and painkillers caused Ash to go "Thriller." Painkillers? From where? This makes no. Fucking. Sense. Chloe reveals that Ash tried, but failed, to kill his mother. Apparently, she recovered and is out of the hospital. So, she never tried to contact him or tried to attend his funeral or even filed a missing persons report? No. Fucking. Sense. Lana busts in suddenly, revealing the events of the graveyard. Clark takes off suddenly without explanation. "Don't look at me. He does that all the time," Chloe says.

Hospital. Jocko hesitates at his dad's hospital door. Then he walks in. Ash is standing behind Jocko. "He can't hear you," Ash says when Jocko tries to talk to his father. Ash says he's there to help. Then he grapples with Jocko and pushes him out of the way. Jocko hits his head on a sink and is conked out. Ash approaches the bed. "I can end your pain," he says. He says he knows how much it hurts and that he can take the pain away. He takes off his gloves. Commercials. And not a moment too soon.

Hallway at the hospital. Clark zips in just before a nurse notices his sudden appearance. He walks into the Fordman room. Sees Ash about to touch Elder Fordman. Clark yells for him to stop. He zips around and behind Ash in a weird shot, then throws him over to a corner counter. Ash complains that he was just trying to help give Jocko and his dad peace. Clark says it's not his decision. Ash says Clark is wrong and that he has to help. Whatever, Jesus. When Ash moves over there again, Clark grabs him and gives him a quick punch in the gut, sending him flying out of the room. Clark editorializes, saying that he's not taking away pain, he's removing the last chance Jocko has to be with his father. "You can't stop me, Clark," Ash says as he gets up. "No one can." What about Father Time? Or Mother Nature? Surely you can't outfight them. Ash says it's better this way and that he could see it in his mother's eyes. "Your mother's alive," Clark says. Oops. Clark explains that the mom recovered. "Let me take you to her," he says.

Suddenly, Clark has. They're at the mother's home, where she's in bed with a tube in her nose. "It's a miracle," Ash says. How? She looks exactly the same as she did at the top of the episode. "It's life," Clark says. And as long as there's life, there's hope, Clark says. Tell that to Liza Minelli's new husband. Ash says she looks peaceful. He looks at his deadly palms. He says he thought he was brought back to ease others' pain. But it was his pain all along. Manifest. Sure. Yeah. We get it. Ash starts to cry. "What have I done?" he asks. Hell if I know. Just wrap up whatever it is you did, would you? Ash says he wants it all to be over. He slowly brings his hands together as if he's praying. Clark just stands there, not noticing. Hands together. Say it with me: "Ashes to ashes, death to death!" Ash is no more. Clark moves forward in alarm and tries to grab him, but all he gets is yicky dust. Mom is still sleeping. That's it. We never get to see if Clark cleaned up the ashes or just left them there for the mother to find the morning.

Metropolis. Lex is standing on the street. He's standing to a cool-looking building. Papa Luthor shows up in his town car and gets out, wearing a black trench coat and cool shades. He says it's an interesting place for a meeting. Papa asks why Lex didn't come up to the penthouse. Lex says he has a garbage delivery to make and didn't want to tarnish the marble. Lex asks for an explanation about the Dominic visit. Rehash, rehash. Lex says he's spent more money on a weekend in Hong Kong (naughty!) then he has lately and hasn't had adding machines sicced on him. Papa Luthor says, quite reasonably, that it's company money and not Lex's personal pocket book. Lex goes back to the ambition thing and how it bothers his dad that he's succeeding. Same song, different album. Papa says he's happy that Lex is doing well. Lex doesn't believe him. "You're afraid I won't need you anymore," Lex says. Papa leans in close so we can see all the craggles of his face. "You'll always be my son," he says, "and you will always need me, Lex." He starts to walk off. Lex asks if Papa's not curious about Dominic, who hasn't checked in for hours. Lex pulls out some keys and tosses them to Papa to pop the trunk. "Lex. What has he done? What has he done?" Papa mutters as he goes to the trunk. He pops it open. It's a trunk-full of Dominic! A spare manservant! Dominic has his mouth taped. Lex removes the tape roughly. Lex tells Papa that if he has an accounting question in the future, to call him. And that time, the person Papa sends will be lucky to get a ride home with the spare. Lex walks away. Papa calls after him. "Lex," he says. "Well done." Well, yeah. In a nice extra moment, Papa shuts the trunk without helping Dominic out of it.

Football field. The Metropolis Sharks, with the worst-drawn logo in football history on their helmets, announce #12, Jocko Whitney! It's in slow motion as Jocko hikes the ball. It seems like a dream sequence. Strummy crap rock plays as players crunch together. Jocko throws a nice pass. On the sideline, Jocko's dad, wearing a nose tube (wonder if it's the same prop Ash's mom used. If so, ewwww) cheers for his son with a hearty, "Yes!" A brownish-blonde haired woman stands to him in a long coat. Jocko high-fives and comes over to his dad. Jocko smiles big and asks how his father's doing. "Never better," the old man says. Up in the stands, Bo Duke emerges. He watches the scrimmage with Lex, whom he's standing to. Bo says it's a really nice thing Lex did for the Fordmans. Lex thanks him. He says it means a lot coming from Bo. That's such an oft-used line for Lex. Lex says he closed the book on the investigation a while back. Bo asks why he initiated it in the first place. Lex says that day was the accident. He asks if Bo's ever wanted to know how things like that happen. "No," say Bo, international man of non-mystery. He says he just accepts that miracles do happen and you don't need an explanation for everything.

Lana and Clark in the bleachers. She asks how Lex got the team to do his bidding. Well, Papa Luthor owns the team. End of story. Lana says it's weird since she didn't think Lex liked Jocko. Clark says it's because Lex has become part of their lives. "You asked him, didn't you?" Lana asks. Oy. Scary makeup/lighting moment. Clark says being friends with Lex can be complicated, but it has its advantages. Fisting, for example. Lana kisses Clark on the cheek. Right there. In front of everybody. If I were Jocko, I'd go kick Clark's ass, just to make my dad even more proud of me. And then I'd give Lana the back of my hand. Don't you ever disrespect me like that! Fine. I'm all bluff. But still. That's just wrong. Clark asks what that was for. Lana says it's for Clark being who he is. Niiiiice. Time to make a withdrawal at the First National Bank of Poontang, Clark. Lana gets up and leaves. Guess this means you'll have to make a solo ATM run, Clark.

Our mopey superhero goes over to where Bo is standing. He apologizes. Bo interrupts him. He says the fishing trips weren't about fishing. They were about selling Amway. And spending time with his son. Bo says he and his father saw each other every day, but never really talked. He doesn't want history to repeat itself. Except for that part in history when the two-headed cow was born. That was fucking awesome. Clark says he doesn't want that either. They hug. Then they walk down the bleachers. Clark says he knows how they can catch more fish this year. "More lures?" Bo asks. "X-ray vision," Clark answers. Bo laughs. Cheap. Ass. Ending.

week: Who the Hell knows? The trailer is about as revealing as an overcoat in the Ukraine. Guess we'll just have to see. Check you out then.