Little Orphan Luka

S01E16

By Omar G

All right, kiddies. It's crunch time. Time for six Smallvilles in a row. Ready for a big vat of platitudes and motion blurs?

First off, shout-out to KaliaKenobi for getting me the first five minutes of this episode after a recording snafu. Give her a big round of superhero fuzzies.

We open in a dingy pawn shop where a young boy is standing behind some bars and asking a middle-aged man, "How much will you give me for it?" The man, a puffy pawnbroker, holds in his fingers a small pewter figure of what looks like a winged angel holding a child. For one awful moment, I think the man is a Catholic priest and that this is a confessional. I want to yell at the kid, "Run, boy run!" The pawnbroker moves a Borg-like eyeglass magnifier away and says simply, "Fifty bucks." The kid protests that the figure is made out of gold. "Who told you that?" the pawnbroker says gently. The kid says, sadly, that it was his mother. Well your mom's a dirty liar, kid. And she dresses you funny. The pawnbroker says to tell her it's a fake. "I can't," the kid says, pulling on America's heartstrings. "She's dead." Damn, kid. I'm...I'm sorry about what I said. I didn't know. I mean, I have seen the episode, and I did know, but, still...sorry about your mom. The pawnbroker tsk-tsks and offers $60. So, the kid's mom's life is worth $10? Geez, mister, what a pal you are. The kid nods. The Brian Dennehy-like pawnsman bends down to open a safe. As he spins the dial, the kid becomes super intent, listening as the camera zooms in right up against his nostrils and spooky music starts to play.

The kid nods, like, "Got it," and then we cut to an outside shot at night as he runs to a waiting car. The spooky music becomes crap alt-gothy. Do you know that I can't tell the difference between P.O.D., System of a Down, Gravity Kills and all those other screaming ninnies? Inside the car, the boy is asked what the deal is by a man in the driver's seat. The kid says, "I told you I don't want to do this." A bleach blonde in the passenger seat with tons of makeup says sweetly that this is their last job. "Liar," the boy says. You've got spunk, kid. I hate spunk. The kid pulls up a comic book, but it's yanked away by the angry dad-figure. "We're all you've got, kid," the man says. Then he asks for the combination. "Forty-five, thirteen, twenty-nine," the kid says, reluctantly. "Good boy," the driver says. The guy throws the comic book back at the kid. Gee, thanks. Assholio. The man and his tarty lady start spouting off pre-robbery-speak like, "You know the drill," and "Let's go." We see inside the pawnshop where Brian Dennehy is closing up shop. "Don't forget my angel," the kid says, all annoyed. He pulls up his comic book, so he can read it in the pitch darkness. The dad figure is wearing what appears to be a shiny Ronald Reagan mask. Oh, clever Point Break reference there. He also has a shotgun. We're going robbin', kids!

By Omar G

As soon as Bonnie and Clyde are gone, the kid in the backseat gets his stuff together and starts hightailing it out of there. But first he runs to the pawnshop window to see what's happening. Things aren't looking good for Brian Dennehy. He gets yelled at, then shot in his ample stomach. The kid, his breath frosting up the glass, looks scared. The kid scrambles out of there as the step-mom figure yells at Ronald Reagan, asking why he did that. He basically tells her to shut her trap because he's a manly man, and drags her out of there. As they take off their masks, they see the kid running off. "Where's he going?" Ronnie asks. I'm sure I just don't know. Running through the woods. Chasing. "Wyatt!" Evil BeatDead Dad yells.

Wyatt emerges from the woods right onto a street where a sedan is plowing toward him. "Ahhh!" he yells, but it's too late. His ass has got "Ford" branded all over it. The car hits the kid at roughly 45 mph and he flips right over the car and the hood, backpack flying. The car skids and stops. And who should walk out but that most motherly of mothers, MamaKent? She is, of course, scared to death and goes over immediately to check on the kid. When did the Kents get a car that wasn't a truck? She asks the boy, who is already getting up, if he's all right. "I lost my shoe," the kid says. MamaKent says she's going to take him to the hospital. Then she pushes the kid up so he can walk it off. Dislocated collarbone, much? The chasers, with their annoying music, finally get there, just in time to see the car speed off. BeatDead Dad picks up the missing shoe. Unnecessary crane shot comes down to rest on his ugly mug and the prettier mug of his comely, yet skanky, mate. Opening credits.

The dark, bluish examination room we've seen in past episodes. This is the most split-personality hospital. Either it's steel blue darkness or inappropriately colorful rooms. A doctor tells MamaKent and Bo Duke that the kid has only superficial cuts and bruises, despite being the cover boy for Headlight Deers magazine. Weird, lingering shot of the shirtless boy and his scraped arm. Bo asks if the doctor has tried to contact the parents yet. The doctor says the boy claims only to know his name. Hear that? She said he "claims" to only know his name. Why doesn't she just say he's lying? She also calls him "Ryan," so the boy has already forged a new identity. Maybe he's the Talented Mr. Ryan. Doctor says the boy probably doesn't have real amnesia -- that it's more likely to be post-traumatic memory loss. He must have caught it from Bride on 24. We see Clark Kent for the first time, looking in on the boy and waving. The kid, who is trying to read a damn comic book if folks would just leave him alone, waves back. Clark asks the doctor what happens if the boy's memory doesn't return. The doctor pulls MamaKent and Bo aside and tells them that not all of the kid's injuries were caused by the accident. Yep. His real name is Luka, and he lives on the second floor. "He may not want to remember," the doctor says. Conveniently, juvenile services can't come till tomorrow, so the kid needs a place to stay. Bo offers up the humble Kent Farm, but only after Clark suggests it. Kid, your life is about to get about ten times weirder.

Kent farm at breakfast time. We come in first on the windmill outside to signify that, what, air is blowing? Great. Duly noted. In the kitchen, MamaKent walks in and sees a big stack of pancakes on the table. She calls for Clark, but it's Luka, walking in with a pitcher of orange juice. The boy wants to be their manservant. The boy, who is like an older, less strange Haley Joel Osment, says he wanted to make himself useful, when Bo walks in and asks what's up with all the goshdarn pancakes. He makes some noise about how maybe Clark should take after him. Oh, ready to trade in the old adoptee already, are we? Then, here comes the weirdness: the kid asks how they like their cakes and then proceeds to guess correctly before they can answer that MamaKent likes powdered sugar on hers. Bo likes scrambled eggs, then milk and honey with his coffee. Wuss. The parents are very impressed, and when they ask how he knew that, he lies that he noticed MamaKent eyeing the powdered sugar when she walked in. Given all the superpowers they've been exposed to, they're still remarkably naïve. Clark comes downstairs and hears about the kid's cooking. "You're making me look bad," Clark says, but not in a mean way. Luka asks what Clark wants for breakfast. Clark yawns and doesn't answer. The kid looks confused. Clark says he'll have pancakes and starts to grab them as Luka stares, perplexed. Bo breaks the awkward moment by asking if Luka's sure he doesn't remember what happened the night before or why he was out so late at night. Luka says, a little too strongly, that he said he didn't remember. More silence. "I'm not hiding anything," Luka says, then gets up and walks out of the room. "Nobody said you were, buddy," Clark calls after him. Uh-oh. I hope Clark/Luka buddyism isn't anything like Clark/Lex buddyism.

Outside, Clark finds Luka sitting on a tractor reading a comic book. He's already taking after Clark by moping about how MamaKent and Bo won't want him to stay since they don't believe him. He reveals a little too much by asking what happens if he doesn't have a home and if he did bad things before his "amnesia." Clark says everything'll be fine. Then he asks about Luka's comic. It's a fictional title called Warrior Angel. Clark asks why he likes it so much. Because it's someone who helps people who can't protect themselves. It's a cheese satellite! Beaming down a cheesy premonition! My God. A beam of light made entirely of cheddar. It's beautiful. Luka says suddenly that he likes being around Clark. "It's peaceful," he says. So far we know this kid can probably read minds, but that he's not getting anything from Clark. Is that because of Clark's superpowers or because Clark's head is just devoid of any thought? A lilting song by Jason Schwartzman's band Phantom Planet is a nice relief from the crap rock usually played on this show. As the song begins, Clark invites the boy to come shoot some hoops. Clark dribbles a bit (the ball, people, the basketball) and jumps up, dunking it succinctly. It's a male-bonding montage! The kid granny-shoots the ball. Clark gives him some tips, even though we already know he sucks at b-ball and gets his ass whipped by Jocko Whitney on a regular basis. Somehow it works: the kid shoots and scores. Clark even says words to that effect.

The lilting music is abruptly cut off by the Walking Music of Doom. BeatDead Dad walks into the dim hospital reception area. A blonde woman who looks like she could be Cheri Oteri or Chloe's mom turns around. BeatDead Dad says he's looking for the boy from the paper, the one who lost his memory. He says he's a private detective representing parents who lost their kid. The nurse tells him Luka's not there anymore but that she'll go get the doctor. BeatDead Dad leaves as soon as the receptionist walks out of sight. He goes to Makeup Stepmom, who's wearing a crazy red leather jacket and matching red leather beret (inconspicuous, no?) and they walk out together. Evilly.

More hoops shooting. We're watching them from further away and as we pan right, we're right smack behind MamaKent's pretty blondish hair. "That's a great sound, isn't it?" we hear. The mood music? Oh, it's Bo Duke and he means the sound of children playing. That's a little cheesy, even for you, Bo. MamaKent looks like she's gonna cry. "Yeah. It is." Her cheeks are puffy and her eyes are scrunched up, making her look like a blonde Jennifer Tilly. Bo hugs her from behind. She asks if maybe they should have adopted a younger sibling for Clark -- that maybe having someone to share his superpower secrets with might have helped. Yeah, so he could have somebody to give supernoogies to and have epic, earth-shattering sibling rivalries with? They agree that they like Luka. "You always had a soft spot for strays," Bo says. MamaKent says the last one turned out all right.

The stained-glass-windowed home office of Lex Luthor, magnificent bastard-in-training. In bursts Papa Luthor, black trench coat billowing, hair less wavy than usual, but still a lustrous mane. Lex wasn't expecting him, and Papa says that surprise is fusing speed and secrecy. Sure. I guess I get that. He picks at one of Lex's papers on the desk and Lex takes it back. This whole scene has little moments like that, where the actors are playing off each other with props and having fun with the scene. Contrast that with any Lana scene where it seems like a struggle for her just to keep her mouth moving. Lex spots Papa's war book reference and says, "Isn't that a little '80s, even for you?" As he says this he pretends to flip his imaginary mullet hair back. Ha! Papa Luthor chuckles and says he never calls ahead when he surprises plant managers. Lex goes on the defensive, saying that there's no reason for ire: the plant is doing well, the stock is up, when Clark's around, Lex is up...Papa chuckles wickedly again and says he's not here to complain. Lex's performance has been, in fact, "...more than adequate." Lex smiles in spite of himself and says wryly, "That sounds dangerously like a compliment." Papa Luthor rises and gets the full red beam of light from the stained glass on his face, making him look demonic. He admits he's been harsh on Lex, but says greatness is a rarefied air one has to be taught to breathe. So is the air of crap. He blathers about Philip of Macedonia raising his son among lions. Lex remembers that the guy also tried to impale his son. We come right back to an Alexander the FABulous! reference. Did Papa think Lex wouldn't know stuff about the guy he emulates and was named after? Lex asks what Papa Luthor really wants, and it's a doozy. He wants Lex to come back to Metropolis and work directly for him as the "Special Advisor to the Chairman Emeritus (Papa Luthor)." Lex says the title sounds important. Papa does preach that it's more than a title. It's the opportunity Lex has been waiting for. Lex says he'll think about it. Papa asks if Lex is just leaving him dangling (he dangles a leather glove to Lex to make his point, making Lex smile). "We don't need to play games, son," Papa says. "Dad. Games are all we've got," Lex answers. Papa Luthor hmms at that. I was really beginning to miss that magnificent bastard.

By Omar G

Smallville High. The offices of The Torch. Luka is looking at the Wall of Weird (and facing us) as Chloe says that he's like a modern day Kaspar Hauser. If you're like me, you were like, "Huh?" Well, it actually is a pretty obscure reference, even for Chloe. Here's what Charlene Collison and Michael Chase have to say on who Kaspar was:

Kaspar Hauser was first discovered on Whit Monday, 1828, standing unsteadily in a square in Nuremberg, dressed in clumsy clothing. In his hand he held a cryptic note instructing the captain it was addressed to that "... if he isn't good for anything (the captain) must either kill him or hang him in the chimney." Kaspar was about 16 years of age, appeared unable to communicate, his eyes were red and unused to sunlight, and the soles of his feet, blistered from walking, were as smooth as the hands of a baby. Like a child newly emerged from the womb, this adolescent boy seemed a complete stranger to almost everything in the world.

Kaspar eventually learned to write, and now posts regularly on our forums as, "KASP4411SEXY." Chloe goes on to add that Kaspar was an orphan with no memory whom people throughout Europe came to see, hoping he was their missing child. She neglects to mention other abuses (including sexual) he suffered and the fact that it was a miracle he even got out of his feral state (see his forum posts). "Did he ever find his parents?" Luka suddenly asks. Chloe gets evasive and finally says that he did. Luka's face changes. "Why didn't you just say he was murdered?" he asks, annoyed. Way to tell the truth, o trusty journalist. "How...did...you know that?" Chloe asks. After a lengthy pause, Clark suggests they take that photo. What photo, you ask? The one to check against missing persons. "You're not putting me up on that freak wall?" the kid asks. Heh. Nice calling Chloe on her freak mojo. Chloe leaves the room to go work on the digital photo she just took. "She likes you," Luka tells Clark quietly as they sit down together. "Yeah. We're friends," says Clark The Obtuse. Luka says she likes him as more than a friend and wants Clark to ask her to the prom. Clark looks over at Chloe, who's busy at her iMac. "Yeah right," he says. Luka says Chloe already picked out a dress. It's pink. Clark skeptically says Chloe hates dresses and that the kid doesn't know her. "Maybe she has a romantic side you don't know about," Luka says. You mean like the one Lex has that Clark's been exploring? Clark jokes it off as Chloe comes back. She takes a picture of Clark and Luka together.

Behind Luka, we see a familiar, trench-coated heavy. Luka rolls his eyes in his head a bit to let us know he's thinking about something. He turns and, oh no! It's BeatDead Dad! Luka takes off running as Lana looks on after him. He ends up in the back alley of The Talon. Suspense music. BeatDead Dad gives chase. As he does, a big trash truck is pulling up.

Inside. Clark is looking for Luka. Lana, instead of actually helping, comes up and tells Clark that Luka ran out the back and looked scared. Clark goes to look for him.

Luka is hiding in a trash bin where BeatDead Dad is looking. Clark comes out calling and BeatDead Dad makes a slip away so as not to be noticed. But now Luka has bigger problems -- the trash truck is picking up his hiding bin! You can probably guess the rest. Trash pickup! Scared kid! Trash compactor! Fear! A re-enactment of the trash compactor scene in Star Wars minus a few aliens and droids. Clark does his X-ray vision and sees a boy skeleton in the trash truck. He zips over, pulls some hydraulic hoses to stop the mechanism and zips to the back. As Luka cowers, the steel is torn open, showing Clark's face haloed by a ridiculous yellow light. It's Jesus! Holy Mackerel! "You're safe now," Clark says, as huge, triumphant music plays, thus fulfilling the foreshadowing of the earlier comic book panel.

Commercials. Did you know Carrot Top can only be on the beach at night because otherwise he'll burst into flames from the sunlight?

Kent Farm at night. You know the nighttime is the right time for Lex to show up and pay Clark a visit in the barn. Clark is doing something with some mini-weights at a florescently lit worktable. "Clark! Where's your young sidekick?" Lex asks as he moseys in. Clark says the kid is sleeping. Lex mentions, while holding what looks like the same coffee cup from that afternoon, that Luka thinks Clark is his older brother. Jealous? Clark mopes about the kid leaving the day and then asks for some commiseration from Lex on what it's like to be an only child, and actually uses the word "sibling." Close-up on Lex. "I had one," Lex says smoothly. The Hell? This is the first we've heard of this. Shocker! Lex explains that when he was eleven, his mother got pregnant and that it was a total surprise. Huh. I thought she died when Lex was even younger than that. Lex says that his dad was happier than he'd ever seen him and the day "Julian" was born, Lex felt like he was part of a real family. That is until Lex's mom woke up the day of the child's baptism and found he'd stopped breathing in his crib. Lex says his mother was never the same (did she commit suicide?) and that his father became more distant, since Julian was his chance to have a son he could truly love. Clark says he's sorry. "It's in the past, Clark," says Lex, unconvincingly. "We would have ended up hating each other anyway. My father would have seen to that." Lex says he didn't come over to hash out his sad past: he came over for some good lovin'. And to tell Clark that Papa Luthor offered him a job in Metropolis. Clark looks pleased, then perplexed. He asks if Lex told Luka about that. Nope. As he puts his tools away (no foreplay fun, apparently), Clark tells Lex that the offer is what he's wanted. Only Lex says it's what he used to want. In those lonely days before Clark. Lex says he's a different person in Metropolis and around his father. He's got a day to decide. Clark, wearing a blue long-sleeved shirt with a red shirt under it so he gets the red-collar effect, says that if anyone can choose who he wants to be, it's Lex.

The Talon again. Lana is balancing a bunch of glasses on a tray and staring at them intently as if she's trying to out-act them. Sadly, she fails. "Knock knock," we hear Bo Duke bellow as he brings in li'l Luka. Lana is surprised to see him, as am I. Bo just doesn't seem like the coffeehouse kinda guy. He says Luka's been doing chores all day and can have whatever he wants. The "chores" involved letting Bo know what the cows really think of him. He goes off to find a pay phone to find out what MamaKent wants from The Talon. Because she can't make coffee at home. Lana and Luka start chatting. He asks her if it's all right for friends to have secrets. "Strange question," Lana says, without moving a single muscle. Luka suspects Clark has a secret. Lana assures him that everyone does. When Luka asks what her secret is, she looks away and says that it wouldn't be a secret if she told. He's got it locked into his memory by now. Just then, a Talon employee named Skye comes up and takes the glasses Lana so carefully arranged from the counter. Luka gives Skye the long stinkeye. "She's not a good person, Lana," Luka says. "You should fire her." Luka is someday going to be one mercenary H.R. director. Lana asks Luka for more details, but he shuts her up (for that alone I want him to stay on the series) with a haughty, "It's a secret."

Back at the Kent farm. Bo and Luka are arriving in the big blue Kent truck. Just over the white picket fence, BeatDead Dad and his ho are waiting in their own vehicle. Don't the Kents notice a car parked outside their home when there's nothing else around? Luka bounds out of the Kent truck carrying his own miniature growth-stunting cup of coffee. BeatDead and his ho exchange a look. "Looks like Luka's found himself a new family," he says. He pulls out a copy of the Smallville Ledger. A big front-page headline reads, "Luthorcorp Plant Posts Profit," to some item about the city council rejecting some vague plan. A smiling Lex is standing to the building and it looks very obviously Photoshopped in, like those pictures you see on The Onion. And since when did earnings reports become front-page news in small towns, especially when it's a single plant announcing profits, and not the entire company, which never happens? This is bunk, folks. The kidnapper ho asks when they're getting the kid back. "When we're ready," the evil, evil stepdad says.

An old road that wouldn't look out of place in, say, Vancouver. Clark and Chloe are looking for clues as to Luka's identity by searching the place where MamaKent's car mistook the boy for a power-up in a PlayStation2 driving game. Clark tells Chloe that he thinks Luka might be faking the amnesia because he's running from someone. Chloe, that scavenger of scavengers, finds a blue backpack near some dried-out brush. She finds comic books and an oddly wrapped package of Twizzlers. (I'm told that's how they look in Canada.) Clark gives the bag the eye and suddenly rips a hole in the bottom, pulling out a photo. Chloe is surprised that Clark knew where to look. "That's where I would hide something," Clark tries to explain. "If you were a CIA operative," Chloe responds. It's a photo of Luka and a nice-looking mom-type who is hugging him. Clark and Chloe try to figure out who the person might be while Chloe still can't believe Luka knew who Kaspar Hauser was. Clark says Luka says weird things. Like, for instance, he said Chloe wanted to go to the prom with Clark and had already picked out the dress. Chloe hangs back, looking stunned. She scoffs and looks down. "It's not pink, is it?" Clark asks, suddenly realizing his heartbreaking faux pas. Chloe looks like she's going to cry. She says she was just looking at the dress and didn't actually buy it. "How would Luka know that?" Clark asks. Chloe goes through about four emotions in two seconds (four more than Lana emotes in the whole season), from surprise, to hurt, to embarrassment, to relief that the subject has been changed. "Maybe he's an alien, or maybe he called Miss Cleo..." she begins to ramble as they walk together down the road.

Green apple peelin'. No, that's not a figure of speech. MamaKent is peeling an apple in the kitchen while Luka watches her, intently. Now we get a bit of the A.I. vibe. Luka, face in his palms, says, "Clark's the best thing that ever happened to you, isn't he?" MamaKent says he is. Oops, sorry Bo. Luka asks some more probing questions, like if Clark has always been so strong that he can tear off the back panel of a garbage truck. MamaKent plays it off like he's just being silly and Clark could never do that. Liar! Liar! "If you say so," Luka says, after a long penetrating look. I like how he does it with no cheesy special effects and not even any big mood music. Yay to that, I say. "What's your greatest fear?" Luka asks suddenly. MamaKent looks a little aggravated and says that it's not getting the pie done before he leaves. Then she scoots him outside. Luka takes a green apple and goes.

Clark is walking around and sees an open door leading down to a weird basement building downstairs. Another building? This isn't a farm. It's the Branch Davidian compound. Clark walks into a bare room where his shiny silver spaceship is held up in the center and glowing from a strategically random beam of light from above. Grave alien-autopsy tones play. Clark turns around and sees Luka standing in the sunlit doorway. "Don't be mad," Luka says. Clark gets mad. He asks how Luka knew about it. "I heard about it in your mom's mind," he says. Luka says he wanted to see the ship himself. He also says he can hear people's thoughts, but only what's on the surface. We need to get this kid in here to be a recapper. Clark is the one person he can't read because, you know, that alien mind shield. Clark is still upset. Luka tries to make it better by saying he won't tell. Luka wants to stay; he says he can warn the family when trouble is near the farm, like a mind-reading Lassie. He offers to tell Clark Lana's deepest secret. Clark says he doesn't want to know it. Because that would be Wrong. "Why not? It's about you," Luka offers. Still no sale. Clark tells him he can't keep doing this. Luka starts to get emotional, saying Clark doesn't know what it's like to be different and a freak. And mopey. And rosy-cheeked. The kid says he can't block out people's thoughts anymore. Clark whips out the photo from the backpack. "Is this your mother?" he asks. Tears in his eyes, Luka nods. He says he wanted to start over with the Kent family. Tough city life has made him crave the warmth and wisdom of a farm-fresh platitude. Luka says he wanted to be adopted like Clark was. Luka says his stepfather and the stepfather's new wife have been using his abilities. To steal. His eyes get red and puffy. Here come the psychic waterworks. He says when he tried to stop helping the bad parents steal, they threatened him and hit him. It was some kind of trouble, some kind of fight. Clark looks emotional too, now. Luka tells Clark he has to protect him. "You're the only one who can," he says. Clark gives him a sideways hug. Tears. Commercial? What? I'm not crying. Hey, shut up. Don't look at me. I, um...I got some hot Indonesian coconut soup peppers in my eye. Seriously. Ahem.

Commercials.

A knock at the Kent Farm door. Luka is turning into quite the manservant. He goes to answer it. "You say anything and I'll kill them," says a woman. Oh, no! It's Carmen Electra ten years from now! Oh, wait. It's BeatDead Dad's ho, coming to collect the boy. Step-Step Ho, who's wearing a weird baby blue shirt and jacket liner, shows off her not-very-intimidating gun. Bo Duke ambles down the hall, as Step-Step puts on a show of being a nice lady from Child Services. Showing up at night, no less. She even flashes a fake ID. Bo says they were expecting her an hour later. MamaKent says the kid is welcome to stay longer. Those chores aren't going to do themselves, as Bo might say. Step-Step says that's impossible and that they need to put him in foster care because that's the law. Yep, everybody knows how quick and efficiently Child Services programs work. As MamaKent and Luka go to get his stuff together, Bo, sporting some interesting wire-frame glasses, tells Step-Step that Luka might be running from his stepfather. Oh, reeeeeeaaally? she thinks. MamaKent comes back and asks if Luka can stay long enough to say goodbye to Clark. Nope. Step-Step Ho is taking him now. Near-tearful goodbye. MamaKent gets verklempt and says that if he needs anything to just call. They hug while Step-Step Ho looks all evil behind them.

Later that night. Clark gets home from his gallivanting. He's upset that he didn't get to say goodbye to Luka. Bo tells Clark he's sorry. Here's what I don't get -- if Child Services was supposed to show up an hour later, why doesn't the damn car ever arrive to tip them off that it wasn't the real Child Services? Plot hole, thy name is Smallville.

Just then, a black stretch limo arrives. Lex needs a driver, now? What about all his sports cars? Lex, carrying a sporty cane, says he's going to Metropolis for the big Papa Luthor dinner. "I wanted you to have something," Lex says, and tosses his cane to Clark. It's actually not a cane after all -- it's a sword. And it's not even a sword. "It's a foil, Clark," Lex says. "Every hero should have one." Oh, I see. He needed the limo because it's full of pounds of cheese, glorious, cheese! Clark puts the foil away and says sadly that he guesses Lex is leaving, then. Lex says he hasn't made up his mind. Clark asks why Lex is giving him a going-away gift if he's not sure he's leaving. "Keep that away from the kid," Lex says simply, and starts to leave. Lex says he's sorry the kid is gone when Clark tells him about the departure. "For what it's worth, I hope you stay," Clark says. Lex, as he's about to turn back to the limo, gives Clark a long, lingering, hot, beefy, tremendously obvious look up and down, pausing slightly at the crotch level, and then walks back to the waiting car. It is an amazingly obvious choice for the Gayest Look of the Episode, and an especially smoldering one at that. Lex, you make it so easy sometimes. Lex goes back to the car, and the limo driver, who has had his back facing us, is revealed to be BeatDead Dad! Oh no! The limo pulls out.

By Omar G

The limo skid-turns unnecessarily in front of a colorful neon bowling alley. "Torch the limo, baby!" BeatDead Dad says as he yanks Luka out of it. He sounds just like Frank Sinatra! As Dad tries to fiddle with the laptop, Step-Step Ho starts pouring gasoline on the limo from a gas can. "Julian," the stepdad tries to type in. But it doesn't work. He grabs the kid by the lapels. "Give me the real password!" he bellows. Luka says he's not going to tell. Step-Step Ho steps out of line by pulling a gun and saying she'll drop the kid herself. Luka complicates things by telling her that once they got the money, BeatDead Dad was going to make her Dead-Dead Ho. Dad says the kid is just trying to stir up trouble to tear them apart. He says all they have to do is trust each other. Step-Step Ho says the kid always freaked her out, but he never lied. Dad gets mad. He pushes Luka away, turns around, shuts the laptop angrily, and says, "You know what? That's true. He didn't." He whips out the shotgun, From Dusk Till Dawn-style and shoots. Luka reacts with horror from the side. We never actually see the woman become Dead-Dead Ho, but I'm guessing she's pretty dead. Luka runs inside the bowling alley as a custodian is walking out with bright yellow trash bags. "Call the police!" Luka says. Too late. Dad plugs the janitor as well. Trash bags fly. What violence!

Inside the bowling alley. Lots of neon. The kid slips down a lane and behind some pins. BeatDead Dad gives chase. "You can't hide forever!" he says. We see Luka cowering behind a set of pins as we go to commercial.

Charles Barkley and a bunch of beer. Bad idea, or is it just me?

Back at the bowling alley of neon and terror. A lot of "Come out, come out wherever you are!" vibes. The dad yells out crap about how the kid's mother never really liked having a freak for a son. He starts rolling bowling balls toward the boy. Menacing machinery clanks around him. So this is what it looks like back there. Tinkly music plays. BeatDead Dad gives up on the bowling ball idea and just starts blasting his shotgun, shooting poor defenseless pins where they live. More shooting.

Clark superspeeds to the bowing alley. Sees the dead bodies in the parking lot. Goes inside.

Inside. More bowling alley suspense. Clark looks around trying to find what's going on. In a ball-way, Luka and his evil stepdad face off. BeatDead Dad cocks his shotgun and aims.

Clark takes a step forward and uses his X-ray vision. He sees a small skeleton cowering in front of a bigger skeleton. But from behind. The less said about this poorly chosen shot, the better. Clark superspeeds it back down the lane, grabs a bowling ball and hurls it. We get a behind-the-purple-ball view as it flies through the wall and then clocks the dad right in the breadbasket. Clark speeds around the alley and ends up with Luka. "It's okay, buddy," he says. As they hug, Clark says, "You're safe now." Sigh. More comic-book love.

The Talon. For the third damned time. Clark and Luka are there to say bye to Lana. She asks where Luka is going. "Edge City," they say. Come on, comic-book fans. Get your freak on to that. Clark says Chloe researched and found an aunt of Luka's that lives there. Lana thanks Luka for his advice about Skye. Turns out she was stealing from the till. But he never did tell her that specifically. Lana gives the tyke a kiss on the cheek. "Wow!" he says. He reads her mind as it asks, "Did my upper lip move when I just kissed him?" He smiles broadly and sighs. "I think you made his year," Clark tells Lana. Luka sits down heavily and after Lana leaves, he says, "I'm definitely in love." Clark says to join the club. There should be a club with as many people as there are lusting for Lana on this show. They both stare at Lana for a bit.

Lex's office. Ah yes, Lex. He's wearing a purple shirt, drinking a Ty Nant bottled water and reading what appears to be an Entertainment Weekly. Is there any reason not to love him? As Lex takes a big sip from the bottle, he hears, "Shouldn't you be packing?" Now the red light is on Lex's face. Papa Luthor sits nearby. Lex says he's not going back to Metropolis. Guess that dinner was aborted, huh? Papa can't believe it. He gets up, spinning some crazy blue meditation balls in his hand. He says Lex has been wanting to get back to Metropolis ever since he was assigned to the "crap factory" in Smallville. Lex says he knows why Papa wants him back. He's not clubbing till 6 AM or getting into trouble and he's on track now. "You want me back where you can keep an eye on me," Lex says. Papa Luthor holds his blue balls in contemplation. "You're making a mistake, Lex," he says, finally. Lex tells his dad that what those old emperors he always talks about were really afraid of was that their sons would someday return at the head of their own armies. "I'm your future," Papa Luthor says threateningly. "Join me, Lex. Join me in Metropolis. How long have you been waiting to hear those words?" Lex says he's waited to hear other things from his dad a lot longer. Ooh, burn. Lex says he'll return to Metropolis when he's ready. Would that be when Clark goes? "At the head of an army?" Papa Luthor asks. He looks a little worried. Lex half-smiles and walks off. Papa Luthor is left behind to hold his own balls.

Oh, geez. We're in front of the Kent Farm and they're playing that cheesy Five for Fighting song that you just knew they were going to use someday. It's called "Superman," and it's just as mopey as Clark. I'm surprised they didn't save the song for the season finale. MamaKent and Bo are saying their goodbyes to Luka. MamaKent says it gets cold in Edge City, so she packed him some of Clark's old sweaters to grow into. Guess what? They're all blue and red. Bo says Luka's welcome anytime. Luka ruins the moment by saying he knows what Bo's thinking (he's thinking, "beige"), but that he will keep Clark's secret safe. "I know what it's like to have to hide who you are from the world," the kid says, wisely. Bo doesn't say anything, but he thinks, "Buh?" A silver SUV pulls up. A nice-looking red-headed lady gets out of the car wearing what appears to be a cyan jumpsuit. Clark asks Luka if he's going to be all right. "She's just as nervous as I am," the kid says. He looks to Clark. He asks if Clark is sure he doesn't want to know how Lana feels about him. "I prefer to find out on my own," Clark says. Clumsily, he'll do that. Luka looks serious for a second. He tells Clark to watch out for Lex. "I know you like him, but there's a lot of darkness he keeps from the world." He says he sees it in Lex's head. Clark shakes his head a little and says he likes to see people's best. Like, say, Lex's naked torso. The kid tells Clark that he wants him to have something: his stack of comics. Clark says he can't take them, but Luka tells him, "I don't need them anymore. I have you." Awwwww. Go on, kid. Sing Enrique Iglesias's "Hero." Clark takes the comics and hugs the kid as the music swells and goes all falsetto wimpy. "See ya," Clark says, as Luka walks away. He and the aunt share a hug. Bo and MamaKent go join Clark. Smiles and waves all around. The music, by-gum, is going to be milked for all its worth. Clark looks on. Wide shot of the Kents and the farm as the SUV takes off. Blackout to credits.

By Omar G

The Fortress of Clarkitude. Clark is waving his foil around (the metal one) as Chloe walks up to the loft, asking "Zorro" what's up. Chloe says she figures the foil is a gift from their favorite billionaire playboy. She said it, folks, not me. Clark says Lex is planning to go to Metropolis. "Well, I'm still here, Clark," Chloe says, "I'm not going anywhere." How sad is that? She wants sloppy seconds from his love affair with Lex. Girl, get thee to a singles bar or something. Clark gives her a little condescending smile. Chloe changes the subject. She pulls out a rap sheet on the stepdad. She says she has sources, including a cute officer. "Maybe I'll ask him to prom," she says, making Clark really uncomfortable. Clark is just one emotionless beast, isn't he? Clark looks at the mug shot of BeatDead Dad, which makes him look like Marky Mark. Scary music plays. "This is Lex's limo driver," Clark says gravely.

Cut to Lex being dumped out of the moving limo. Ouch! Not only did the stuntman have to get thrown out of a car, he had to shave his head to look like Lex, too! In the limo, Luka is asked roughly for the password. "Don't make me ask again," the dad says when Luka hesitates. "It's Julian," the kid says. BeatDead Dad and his Ho smile evilly at each other. Cheers to evil! How sad and telling is it that I'm more interested in what kind of laptop the evil dad is using to access Lex's account than I am in the unfolding drama?

A road-beautification project: it's been beautified by Lex being dumped on it. Clark superspeeds up the road toward us until he reaches Lex's body. Clark pauses to fake running up to Lex and calls to him. Lex gets up, cradling his arm and wincing. He says he's fine, but that they've got the kid. "Get some help," he says. Of course, he never says who has Luka, but he and Clark share that special bond that sometimes includes telepathy. Clark gets up, checks behind him to make sure Lex isn't trying to poke him, and superspeeds it back the way he came.

By Omar G

Charles Barkley and a bunch of beer. Bad idea, or is it just me?

Clark superspeeds to the bowing alley. Sees the dead bodies in the parking lot. Goes inside.

Inside. More bowling alley suspense. Clark looks around trying to find what's going on. In a ball-way, Luka and his evil stepdad face off. BeatDead Dad cocks his shotgun and aims.

By Omar G

The WB has three CDs for you to buy that are somewhat less objectionable than those proffered after past episodes.

week: Hothead II -- The Revenge.