Hey, campers. Time for more superhero goodness. And it doesn't get much better than this: for once, we don't have a kryptonite-created villain to contend with. What do I say to that? Let the Small times roll.
This week, we don't get the Kent farm. Instead, we get a building that looks like a courthouse in the middle of a cityscape at night. But it's actually a museum. We know this because inside, hipster music is playing and people are walking around in their uptown best, pretending to be interested in art. Clark Kent turns around conspicuously and we see that he's wearing the big-city fashion equivalent of britches with the flap open: khaki pants, a red shirt, and an unmatched dark sports coat. I would make further fun, but I've probably worn just such an ensemble, perhaps in the last month. Surrounded by elegantly dressed city dwellers, Clark leans forward with his tall, lanky self to admire something from the Liberace era of ancient Greek history. It's a big sparkly breastplate with big red, white and blue jewels. It's as if they got your aunt who gives out rhinestone-studded shirts at Christmas to design battle gear. A gold snake in the shape of an "S" sits at the center, in a perfect recreation of the Superman logo. Man, if this is what inspires Clark to wear the costume later in life, then he's even gayer than I suspected. And while I've got my Gaydar on, here comes Lex around the glass case to edumacate Clark. Turns out the shield belonged to Alexander the Great, who was known more privately as "Alexander the FABulous!" Lex -- who is wearing a black suit and tie right out of Reservoir Dogs -- tells Clark that the design symbolizes strength and courage. And disco. Clark says, quite rightly, that he doesn't see himself going into battle wearing something like that. A sarong, maybe. A dance belt, sure. But not that. Lex says that darker times call for darker methods. Lex, I respect you and all, but that is the least dark piece of clothing I've ever seen. The breastplace can be seen by blind aliens four galaxies over. Clark says he didn't know Lex was such a history buff. Lex says he's interested in men who ruled the world before they were thirty. Subtlety, thy name is the Smallville writers' room. "You still have a few years to go," we hear a voice say and I know it's Lana Lang because I have to turn down the "pretty" setting on my TV just to see her. Clark fumbles that he didn't know she was going to be there. She asks if Lex didn't tell him. Um, no. It's a surprise. "Must've slipped my mind," Lex says, and excuses himself to leave them alone Clark gives him a little look before he leaves -- an "Oh, yeah, right, you skunkmonkey" look if I ever saw one.
Lana and Clark start walking along. He says he feels underdressed. She ruins the moment by mentioning that Jocko Whitney feels the same way (but can he bend steel?), and that he is at the art reception, too. We see poor Jocko -- who doesn't have a single line in this episode -- sitting at a table, brooding. He's as badly dressed as Clark, but with floppy blonde hair that almost rivals the floppy WB hair standard set by CuteDean on Gilmore Girls. Maybe Pamie could love Jocko instead of CuteDean this season. Lana asks if Clark wants to join them. He says yeah, sure, but doesn't seem too enthused.
Walking back toward the exit, Lex stops Clark to ask where he's going. "To get some air," Clark says. Lex says that Clark will never get anywhere if he doesn't face his enemy. Clark downplays the whole "enemy" thing. Lex insists, saying Clark has to keep his friends close, and the quarterback closer. Wow. My Gaydar just broke. Just then, I hear a piercing whine, like a cricket rubbing its legs together. I realize that's not far off: Just then, a pair of breasts rubbing together walk up to Lex and Clark and say, "Always the hopeless romantic, Lex." I had no idea breasts could have British accents. Oh, wait. There's a woman there. She's wearing a little black dress and big reddish hair. She shall henceforth be known as Boobs McChesty (tm Wook1013). "Victoria?" Lex asks, looking seriously stunned. She asks if she's interrupting anything. Like FM broadcast signals with her breasts, maybe. Lex introduces her as Victoria Hardwick. He says she's an old friend. Boobs takes a glass of champagne while Clark leans over and asks Lex, "How close are you gonna keep her?" Yow. Catfight! Lex pushes away Clark with a brusque "I'll catch up with you later, Clark." Hey, Clark? You just got DISMISSED. "Want a private tour?" Lex asks Boobs. "I thought you'd never ask," she answers, with her made-up face sporting more colors than a Home Depot paint sample display. How long did she wait, exactly, for him to ask? All of twenty-two seconds? Man, this girl's impatient.
Outside. In the bushes. But it's not what you think. Some guy is getting the stuffing punched out of him. A scowling, mean-looking man flashes a badge and tells the ass-kicked guy that he's the only reason the guy isn't in a cage. He also suggests the man get into internal affairs and get him "those files." "Is one of them yours?" the ass-kicked, whiny guy asks. For this, he gets a boot to the face. MeanCop gives him twenty-four hours to "get creative." I suppose he could write a poem, or maybe compose a ditty in twenty-four hours, but you're really limiting his output there, MeanCop. MeanCop spots Clark coming out of the museum.
Clark walks down some steps and says to himself, "Well, welcome to Metropolis." He sees a homeless man sleeping on a bus stop bench with a little dog to him. Just then, a big bus careens around a corner, coming straight for the bench. Inside the bus, an old man with a large bushy white moustache has a heart attack. Did I just see a flash of green light? The bus, out of control, slams into cars along the street, bouncing left and right like a pinball. Can you see what's coming ? Sure, you can. Ugandi tribal children who've never seen a television know what's going to happen . After the bus passes Clark and he takes the longest pause in superhero history, he zips in front of bus, protecting the Benji-like dog who doesn't even have enough sense to move. Clark leans into it, giving the bus the old shoulder. The bus stops, snaps, explodes. The little dog whines in approval. Clark leans back. His jacket is only torn a bit in the shoulder despite the metal and fire. Guess it's a special grade of polyester. The homeless man still sleeps. Suspense music plays as Clark spots people coming out of the museum. He zips away at fast speed. The bus driver emerges, unhurt despite slamming into a superhero at about 40 mph. MeanCop comes around and examines the wreckage. Oh, what are you gonna do, slap the old man around? In the glowing sparks of the accident, he looks evil indeed.
Opening credits. My, how I missed this song. New scenes have been inserted toward the end of the opening credits, ending with Mom, Dad, and Clark hugging at the end of "Jitters."
Kent Farm. Midday. Clark walks in on Bo Duke trying to lift something with thick chains in the barn. With all those chains hanging, it looks like the set from one of the Hellraiser movies. Bo is struggling mightily, so Clark offers a hand. Literally, one hand. He lifts what looks like a tractor engine block on a pallet. Why are they hanging it up like that? Is this rural conceptual art? MamaKent calls Clark a night owl and asks how his evening in Metropolis went. They didn't talk to him when he got home? What happened to their overprotective ways? Clark mopes that the museum was fine, but that something happened. He explains about the bus by showing them a newspaper article about the crash. "What if somebody had seen you do it?" Bo Duke grouses. That man is reverse-aging before our eyes. MamaKent says it looks like there were no witnesses, so it's fine. Clark mopes off to school, but not before MamaKent prompts Bo to tell his son how proud of Clark he is. "I'm real...proud'a ...what you did," he says, awkwardly. You can tell he just wants to have the ability to knock his son around once in a while. Sadly, it will never be. MamaKent agrees about being proud. Clark gives his megawatt smile. It blinds the camerman, and we're forced to move on to another scene.
Some schmo in a car. MeanCop pulls up in another car to the guy and asks, "Did you bring 'em?" Schmo says he's not supposed to be doing this. MeanCop counters about how many rent-a-cops don't fill out the part about arrests on their applications. Is a rent-a-cop job that important to you, Schmo? Schmo hands over a batch of museum security photos, including one of Lex and Clark looking dapper from an overhead view. MeanCop smiles in recognition of unmistakable love.
Stately Luthor Manor. Funky music is playing. Lex is pouring some wine. Oh yeah. Seduction. Lex, in a purple turtleneck, asks how his guest likes Smallville. "I liked it a whole lot more once they stopped using kryptonite as a plot device every week," Boobs McChesty thinks, but instead she answers that it reminds her of her home village in Wales. Circling around Lex in her red fiesta wrap, she says it's safe, boring, and the last place she expected to find Lex. He says his dad's bringing him back to Metropolis in a few years. "He's lying," she says, shaking her head a little. "I know," Lex answers. Man, I never thought an actress could come on this show and have less charisma than Lana. She tells Lex he deserves something better. Lex wants to know why she's here, adding that the daughters of multinational billionaires don't fly halfway 'round the world to rekindle old flames. Wait, I thought rich people did that all the time. He also notes that she's an executive vice-president. "So, you've heard?" Boobs yell/warbles. Lex says he keeps up. "How is Sir Harry?" he asks. For a minute, I think he's talking about Harry Potter, but it turns out it's her dad, and that he's as inaccessible and rich as Lionel Luthor. Boobs says her father thinks Lex's negative feelings for his father might work to all their advantages. Boobs sounds like one of those shampoo commercials where a supermodel who shouldn't be allowed to talk out loud is forced to talk about nutrients and pH balancing. Lex asks if she was sent as an incentive. "I've missed you, Lex," she says. "I'm touched," he responds. He seems about as interested in her as Jocko Whitney is in joining the Royal Shakespeare Theatre Company. Lex asks if she has a proposal. "First I think I'd like...something else," she says. They kiss. And it's boring.
"Another scathing editorial," Clark says. He and Chloe are looking at the website for Chloe's school newspaper. "Is there any other kind?" she giggles. They're sitting together, practically butting heads and it looks like they might kiss. Just then, Lana walks in behind them. Clark looks at her in shame; Chloe looks away in disappointment. Lana asks where Clark went the night before. He says he wasn't feeling well. Getting hit by a bus will do that. Clark lames that he must not be much of a city guy. Chloe snarks that you can take the boy out of the farm, but not the farm out of the boy. Oh, how droll, Ms. Chloe. Chloe walks off and runs into Principal Smooth, who looks like he's aged about fifteen years since we last saw him. Principal Smooth is now Principal Aged. He tells Chloe that he's received complaints from parents about an article she wrote about freak occurrences in Smallville. He tells her that the EPA ruled long ago that the kryptonite rocks in town are harmless. Except for all the killing and the death, of course. He tells Chloe that this is not her personal tabloid. This is just like when I got suspended from my school paper for doing an underground newspaper. Except for the kryptonite part. Principal Withered tells Chloe he's requiring her to do her job, except now she can't because she's fired. He says he's going to suspend her until he can find a new editor. ["He canned her in front of Clark and Lana? Shit, I know it's just a school paper, but that's not very professional." -- Wing Chun] After he leaves, Chloe, stunned, asks, "Okay, what just happened?" The ever-helpful Pete tells her she just got shit-canned. Clark says he's sure there's something they can do. Lana does him one better by offering to talk to The Principal Formerly Known as Smooth.
At The Beanery (worst named coffeehouse ever), somebody's playing pinball, and judging from all the tilting, I bet it's MeanCop. Lex walks by carrying a cup of hot Joe (the drink, not the guy) and doesn't even notice him as he passes. MeanCop stops Lex and asks whether people in Smallville call him "Mr. Luthor." Lex, looking peeved, asks if the cop isn't out of his jurisdiction. MeanCop says you don't need jurisdiction to look up an old friend. Lex tries to walk off, telling MeanCop to schedule an appointment. MeanCop asks why Lex always has to turn on people who help him, the way MeanCop used to pull him back from the edge. (The edge of what? Are you as intrigued as I am?) Lex says that's only because his dad paid MeanCop well. MeanCop drops the pretense and says it would be a shame if Lex's nice life in Smallville were disrupted. Lex says, "You can't touch me and you know it." Hard to get is a game I didn't know Lex knew how to play. Lex takes a sip of coffee, not missing a beat. MeanCop pulls out a photo -- the one of Lex and Clark looking like male models -- and shows it to Lex. He asks if Lex knows that rosy-cheeked, juicy-lipped stud to him. Lex says he doesn't know that sweet, tasty man. "Hmm. I'd have pegged you for buddies," MeanCop says. Heh. Buddies. Lex tells MeanCop he should think about retiring, which isn't much of a comeback line given that it's Lex, but it'll suffice. Lex walks off. MeanCop and his buggy eyes stare after him.
The Fortress of Barnitude. Clark walks in calling out, "Hello? Hello?" It's dark. Nobody's around. Something -- which turns out to be a Metropolis police badge -- is on the floor. Clark reaches for it. And that's when it hits him. No, literally. That's when that big, raised engine block falls down and hits him. Clark is pissed. He angrily throws the engine off, tossing it against a wall. Hey, I think Bo Duke was going to use that later. MeanCop comes down the barn stairs and says he doesn't know what Clark's being fed on the farm, but he's impressive. The guy says he saw Clark's antics the night before, but wanted to be sure. "Who are you?" Clark asks. MeanCop introduces himself as Clark's best friend. With his weird, clammy eyes, he tells Clark that he needs the help of the young superlad to fight crime in Metropolis. Specifically, against "bad guys." MeanCop reaches for Clark's shoulder, but Clark grabs his hand and hisses, "I'll never help you." Wow, way to emote, Clark. MeanCop has full Manson Lamps going as he explains that Clark has a secret he doesn't want the world to know, and that if Clark wants to keep that secret, he'd better help. He tells Clark to drop by the "overpriced coffeehouse" the day to talk about his future. Then he leaves. Slimily. Clark stares after him with burning hatred. Burning superhatred. Why, you might even say it's burning, flaming superhatred.
The kitchen of superbagels. Clark is explaining about the whole motor-being- dropped-on-him thing. I keep wanting him to say, "Great idea, lifting that up to the rafters, Dad. Geez, did you think we were opening up a Planet Hollywood?" MamaKent purses up her lips, and the magnetic pull causes the earth to tilt off its axis. She says they'll go to the police. Clark says this guy is the police. All of them. He's the police Oversoul. Bo Duke looks pissed. He walks around the kitchen like he wants to kill a carrot. Clark apologizes, but Bo Duke assures him, not very convincingly, that it's not his fault. Clark mentions that the guy wants to meet him at the Beanery tomorrow. At that, Bo Duke makes a face that screams, "I love my dead, gay son." Bo says he'll go and talk to this guy and find out what he wants. Signed General Lee memorabilia perhaps? A pair of authentic Daisy Duke shorts? Clark asks what he should do until then. Bo Duke spouts platitudes like a Hallmark-brand garden hose. Go see your friends. Live your life. Dance like no one's watching. Clark nods and walks away. Tinkly music plays. MamaKent looks like she's supposed to have a line, but before she can say it, they cut to the scene.
Very CGI-looking crescent moon in the sky. We pull back to see Clark sitting on a barn windowsill. (Barns have windowsills?) He looks like he's about to sing "Somewhere Out There." We hear the sexy purr of Lex's voice. He tells Clark, as he walks in, that Clark looks like he's carrying the weight of the world. There's a weird edit here, maybe, because instead of savoring the moment, Lex starts talking again immediately, saying he's sorry to interrupt, but there was nowhere to knock. Lex and Clark in the barn, alone? At night? Oh, dear. This is the scene that's going to launch a thousand fanfics. Clark says it's okay, adding, "Thanks again for last night." Lex licks his lips, looks up, and then looks down again really quickly and dodgily with a half smile. Then he bends down to look into Clark's telescope. Could it be any more clear? It is the Gayest Look of the Episode. They quickly dispense of the foppishness to discuss the rogue police officer who's stalking Clark. Lex says he knows all about it, except for the details of what the cop is after and how Clark is involved. Lex tells Clark that the investigation into the bus accident is closed. Then he says that Clark really doesn't want MeanCop in his life. Blah, blah, blah, naïvetécakes. Lex says the guy's a dirty cop. NaïveClark asks a lot of dumb questions, like whether Lex got in trouble when he was younger. Gosh, Clark, wait till you hear about Club Zero. "He just wanted to talk," Clark says, trying to avoid all this. "Then you've got nothing to worry about," Lex says. He gives Clark a little cocky half-smile. End of scene. Note: we never actually see Lex leave the barn.
The gassily named Beanery. Bo Duke swaggers in, slapping boys on the back like he's their coach or something. He's spotted by MeanCop, who introduces himself and offers a handshake. Bo Duke -- who has made an art form of refusing a handshake from people he doesn't like -- just looks at the hand for a half-second, completely dismissing it. MeanCop says he figured Bo Duke would be the one to come. "What do you want with my son?" Bo Duke asks, still standing. MeanCop tries to go all rational, but Bo Duke says that a rational person doesn't drop a generator on someone. Oh, it's a generator. "We both know it wouldn't hurt him," MeanCop chuckles. Bo Duke just doesn't think that's very damned funny. The men sit. Tight close-ups. Bo asks what MeanCop wants. MeanCop says he wants Clark's help, fighting the dregs of society. "I will not let you exploit my son," Bo says gravely. MeanCop reveals that he's noticed Clark's name on a lot of police files. You know, Popsicle Boy, jittery guy at the Luthor plant, girl who ate cellulite off people's bodies with her huge maw. That sort of thing. Bo says he'll give the man anything to stay away from his family. "I want your son," the man says simply. Bo looks like he's going to cry, "My dead, gay, very popular son." "No," Bo finally says. MeanCop says he'll be in touch, and gets up to leave. Bo rubs tears from his weary eyes. MeanCop leans in close and tells Bo he plans to reveal Clark's secret to the world and make him a lab monkey. Bo snaps. He gets up, grabbing MeanCop by the lapels and making a scene. MeanCop plays it off like he's just an innocent guy caught in Bo's steel grip. Coffee patrons look on in shock. "I'd learn to keep that temper in check. That could get you in a lot of trouble," MeanCop tells Bo, pointing a long finger at him.
The school newspaper office. Clark is looking at stories about MeanCop from the Daily Planet's website. He's interrupted by Chloe, who asks whether Clark has heard anything about Lana's meeting with Principal Not So Smooth. Just then, Lana walks in wearing a gawdawful pink business suit. "Hey," she says. Chloe asks her to bottom-line the meeting. "When can we put out our issue?" she asks. "Day after tomorrow," Lana answers. Chloe and Clark exchange smiles. "Cool," Chloe says. What's not so cool is when Lana, in her broken, breathy way, explains that in order to get the paper back in production, Lana was made editor of the paper. Chloe completely crumbles. She asks Lana to repeat it; then she scoffs -- actually scoffs -- and accuses Lana of padding her college application by using the paper as an activity. Lana says Chloe can ghostwrite until she's reinstated. "So I would work for you," Chloe says, scoffing all the way. Clark jumps in and says it's not a bad idea. Chloe starts to cry and says that, sure, Clark is objective about all things Lana. Clark and Lana look embarrassed. "Gotta go," Clark says, and tries to wuss his way out of the room. Chloe tells him to stay. She's full-on crying now, and tells Lana that for a millisecond she thought Lana was her friend. Damn, Chloe. Give Lana the number for your acting coach. Chloe storms off. Lana does that thing where she sort of sighs, but without any sound. It's a pantosigh. Or a sighomime.
Outside the Beanery. Little fancy yellow umbrellas have been set up outside the coffeehouse, even though it's Canada and it looks like wind is about to knock everything down and everyone is wearing coats. ["Hey! Canada has restaurant patios! That's not so far-fetched!" -- Wing Chun] The umbrellas even say "Beanery" on them. So the show got a little bump in its production budget, huh? Clark is walking down the street, people talking about him. It's like Midnight Cowboy without the cowboy or the midnight. MeanCop pulls up in his silver Ford. He tells Clark to get in. Clark keeps walking. MeanCop smashes into some trash cans and trash bags. Oh, I see. Now it's Police Squad. "What do you want, Phelan?" Clark asks. That's really the cop's name. It's funny because it sounds like "phallus." Phelan the MeanCop fills in Clark about his conversation with Bo Duke.
Fireplace. Lex is pouring wine again for himself and Boobs McChesty. He's pouring it from this weird-shaped green phallic tube. I think you can stop with the seduction, Lex. She's been ready to go since she hopped on that Concorde. Boobs ask Lex if he's seen her father's proposal. Lex says he doesn't have to see it. Boobs asks if he's a mind reader. No, he just read the script and prepared, unlike her British no-talent ass. Lex says that Boobs's father wants to take over Luthorcorp, and needs Lex's shares to do it. He suspects she thought up the scheme, not her father. She smiles and bobs her head around, thinking, "Oh, hey, acting is fun!" Lex says that taking over Luthorcorp won't make her daddy respect her any more than he already doesn't. "So what are you suggesting?" she reads from her quarter-inch stack of flash-card-inscribed lines. "Why take over one company when we can take over two?" Lex asks. Yes. Why make trillions when you can make millions? She smiles evilly (or as evilly as her makeup and plasticity will allow), and says that their parents will probably kill them. Lex says that's what makes life interesting. They click little square crystal glasses in a toast to their own crapulence.
Metropolis. Grungy, smoky, inner-city slum. MeanCop and Clark get out of the MeanMobile. MeanCop explains that his biggest obstacle is The System. The System is holding this poor white man down, and it's up to Clark to steal some internal affairs documents to make life better for everyone. Clark is asked to break into the home of an internal affairs agent and steal some files the man took home with him. "I'm not going to hurt anyone!" Clark cries, and leaves the car. But then, he's talked into doing it anyway. MeanCop promises not to bother Clark again if he does this one thing. Clark says he doesn't believe him because Lex told him not to. MeanCop hints that Lex has his own dark secrets and past.
So Clark breaks in. He pops the top lock in, presumably with his superfinger. He sneaks in to the tastefully decorated apartment. With his x-ray vision, he finds a safe. Clark smiles, mischievously.
Outside. MeanCop is waiting. Behind him, his car sits innocently. Oops! This must be a Wile E. Coyote cartoon, because a safe just fell on MeanCop's car from the sky. MeanCop's eyes do a Bernie Mac as he looks physically pained. Clark calls from upstairs. Wouldn't the IA agent have heard all this? Clark then does his fast-motion run, flashing downstairs to face MeanCop. We can hear sirens approaching. "Want your file? It's all yours," Clark says, and hands MeanCop his document. MeanCop asks if Clark called the police. Too late. Clark zips away just as the police cruiser arrives. "You're making a big mistake, kid!" MeanCop yells. Overhead shot of the police getting ready to bust him.
Several commercials later, Clark is back in the kitchen, where nothing ever seems to be cooking. "Morning, guys!" Clark says. He thinks he's still at the YMCA, hanging out with all the boys. MamaKent, leaning over the counter with Bo, asks when Clark got in. "Late," he says. He lies that he was working with Lana at the newspaper. Bo asks whether MeanCop has been around. "Don't worry, Dad. I think he's out of our lives forever," Clark says. Before he can explain, there's a knock at the door. It's two Smallville cops, Bob and Ethan. Those are so not cop names. They say they have a warrant to search the property. Uh oh. They're gonna find themselves a spaceship! MamaKent comes to the screen door and stares vacantly, looking like a blow-up doll, almost. They say they got a tip from Metropolis P.D. Just then, another cop comes in and says, "I think you'd better take a look at this." Whenever a cop says that in a TV show or movie, it's never good. It never turns out to be a bucket of gold, or a pretty sunset.
What did I tell you? In the barn, there's a dead body. Specifically, it's the guy who was getting beat up by MeanCop at the top of the episode. "Looks like he was shot in the heart," one of the Barney Fifes says. Bo Duke, of course, looks sick with concern. Clark signifies shock by placing a hand on his mouth. MamaKent gasps, in her noble, quiet way. Bo says he's never seen that man before. The cop who found the body makes another find: a gun in Bo's truck. Despite his denials, Bo is so busted. Bo tells Clark to call Bill Ross (Pete's dad?) and meet him at the jail. MamaKent goes with Bo. "You're not taking him!" Clark whines. Bo gives him a stern talking-to and tells him to stay behind and be strong.
After the hubbub, Clark walks back into the kitchen and gets so mad he punches a support pole with his fist. If the house falls on Clark now, it's his own fault. "That's what you get for trying to be a hero, Clark," MeanCop says, suddenly appearing in the kitchen. He looks at the broken column disdainfully. MeanCop goes all James Woods on Clark, saying he's been doing this a looong time. "Did you really think you could double-cross me?" he asks, rhetorically. Clark asks who the dead man in the barn was. He's ignored. MeanCop annoyingly goes on about crack houses (in Metropolis?) and scenarios and how he's survived all this time. I wish one of those crackheads would bust a cap in this guy's ass. "You! Didn't leave me! With a lot of options!" MeanCop yells. Oh, goodness. What a loose cannon you are. I'm so frightened for Clark. Clark gets super-angry, grabs MeanCop, and slams him against another support column. He tells MeanCop to call and tell the local cops what he did. "You wanna kill me?" MeanCop asks. "I want him OUT!" Clark yells, his eyes angry, his mouth a snarl. It only took nine episodes, but Clark is finally showing a temper. MeanCop reminds Clark that he has a lot more to lose than an already busted rogue cop. Clark lets him go. MeanCop readjusts his suit jacket. He tells Clark he's going to let Clark stew in his own super-spicy juices. Then he leaves. "I'll be in touch," he says, pointing. Is that this guy's catchphrase? Clark looks at the broken support column, ashamed even to touch it.
The fiery, dramatic offices of The Torch. Lana is trying to get some piece of equipment to work by not-acting in front of it. Clark walks in, looking mopey. "I heard about your dad," she says. She's sure it isn't true. Half-heartedly, Clark says thanks and asks how she's doing. Which is great, because Lana is ready to talk about herself and her titanic struggle with the newspaper. Lana feels like she screwed up everything. "Guess that's what you get when you try to be a hero," she says. Lana's line readings are starting to give me hives. Clark agrees. He asks if Lana thinks her life would be easier if Nasty Nell hadn't adopted her. He feels like he just complicated his parents' lives. Lana relays a sob story: once, when she tried to run away to Metropolis, Nell told her that adopting Lana was the greatest thing she ever did. She was probably drunk on Rumple. Clark excuses himself. Lana stops him to tell him not to worry, and that it'll all work out. She obviously doesn't watch Oz.
The Big House. Bo Duke emerges, wearing jail orange. He looks shaken. Anal prison rape will do that to you. He and Clark do the prison-window- phone-conversation thing. Smallville has an awfully nice jail for being such a small town. Clark reveals that he lied to Bo Duke about where he was that other night. Bo looks peeved. And not just about the anal rape. Clark says he was just trying to protect his parents. "You cannot protect your mother and I by lying to us," Bo snarls. I liked it better when he was just a good 'ol boy, never meanin' no harm. Quiet moment. Clark says that after Bo was arrested and MeanCop came around, Clark got so angry, he wanted to kill the guy. And he almost did. Bo looks horrified. "But you didn't, right?" Bo says. Is he gonna cry again? Bo puts a fist against the glass. Clark puts his fist opposite Bo's. Bo does his platitude remix, saying that Clark can't play MeanCop's game. Bo tells Clark that once you kill someone, once you cross that line, you can never go back. It's like prison love.
The Beanery, which must be Lex's main hangout. Shouldn't he be home getting Breasty with it? Lex spots Clark walking along outside. "My man!" he thinks, getting up and rushing outside. Clark doesn't seem very happy to see him. Lex offers to get Clark the ten best lawyers in the state. Weren't the powerful, feared Kansas Ten Lawyers the ones who got O.J. off? Clark says he doesn't think lawyers will help. Lex guesses, correctly, that MeanCop is involved. "What's he got on you, Clark?" Lex asks. Clark gets mad and tells Lex just to stay out of it. Clark starts to walk past, but Lex stops him. He says that Clark may think he knows MeanCop, but MeanCop is not knowable. Or words to that effect. "Sounds like you're an expert," Clark says, and it sounds bitchy and whiny. Lex says he understands MeanCop's world. Lex is like the guy that Gladys Knight sings about in "Midnight Train to Georgia." Clark says that MeanCop told him Lex has secrets. What's the big deal? Doesn't everyone? Lex says there are parts of his life he's not proud of. Like Boobs McChesty at home. But he doesn't want Clark or his family hurt. "Now let me help," he says. "You can't, Lex," Clark whines. "I've got to handle this on my own." Clark storms off. Lex looks like he's going to cry just like Bo Duke. And do I detect a little anger there, too?
Nighttime. Clark is meditating in the barn. MeanCop walks right in. (Why doesn't Clark put a lock on the barn door?) MeanCop tells Clark he needs something. And not in a dirty way. MeanCop says it's a complicated thing he wants. His eyes bulge a little. Clark says he doesn't care if the whole world knows his secret. MeanCop brings in Clark's parents and his dad's situation. MeanCop is just ExtortionCop, but meaner. "So what's it gonna be?" MeanCop asks.
By way of an answer, we see Clark and MeanCop pull out of the farm in the MeanMobile. But, hey, what's this? A very fancy silver Jaguar hidden among the crops? It's Lex, and he's following. Go, Lex! Go straight to commercial!
I love B.B. King, but even his mighty blues won't save Burger King.
Metropolis Courthouse Museum. Clark asks what he and MeanCop are doing there. MeanCop says that since he couldn't get his internal affairs records, he's going to pick up his retirement package. Thievery! "The breastplate," Clark says, because he can't get that little bit of fashion out of his head. MeanCop is all man: he doesn't give a damn about the breastplate. He just wants the $10 million in jewels it's encrusted with. Somewhere across the Atlantic, Elton John is ordering up a $10 million breastplate and matching sunglasses.
On the roof of the museum. Clark asks if they're just going to bust in. MeanCop says he has access to blueprints, so he knows the place better than the architect. Shouldn't they be wearing hoods or something? What about all the security cameras? MeanCop tells Clark to open up a steel security box and disable it. There's some discussion of that. MeanCop is getting annoyed with Clark. With his Marty Feldman eyes, he hisses, "If you want your old life back, you do it." Clark pulls off a steel lid so that they can disable security. "What about guards?" Clark asks. MeanCop calls the museum and phones in a bomb threat. He tells whoever answered that there's a bomb outside the building that will go off in two minutes.
Lex puts his hand on MeanCop's car hood to feel for warmth. If he's been following, wouldn't he know the car's just been used? Maybe he just wanted to feel what a commoner's car felt like. Just then, Lex sees a bunch of guards running out of the museum yelling, "Bomb!"
Roof. Wires are clipped. Clark is still mopey.
Out front, Lex peeks into a newspaper machine and sees a sealed brown box. Lex pops in a quarter and opens the machine, despite the fact that it clearly says the paper costs seventy-five cents. That only makes sense if he put in a dollar coin. Lex grabs the package and pulls it out of the machine.
Inside. The breastplate of ruling the world with a velvet spike. "Kid...show me the magic," MeanCop says. Clark rears up and bends a bunch of steel bars. Then he punches through the glass. "I'm free!" the breastplate thinks, "And it's FABulous!"
Outside. Lex opens the box. It's just a big alarm clock. He tosses it back to one of the guards, who catches it in fear.
Back inside, MeanCop takes the breastplate off its stand. It's awfully light for being made of gold and jewels. "We are going to make a great team," he effuses. MeanCop puts the plate in a big zipper bag. Clark x-ray-visions outside and sees all the guards standing around the "bomb." "We'll never be a team," he says; he grabs the bag, and tosses it outside. The bag crashes through a window and lands at the guards' feet. It would have been funny if it crashed into MeanCop's car like last time. Lex opens the bag. The breastplate thinks it has finally found its true master.
Inside, Clark yells to MeanCop that he's nobody's patsy. He tells MeanCop that his fingerprints are all over the plate. "You may be strong, but you're not bulletproof!" MeanCop yells. He whips out a gun and shoots at Clark. I thought Clark was bulletproof. Well, he must not know that because instead of taking the hit, Clark dodges in Bullet-Time. Gun fires. Bullet spins toward Clark. This is the slowest, lamest, longest Bullet-Time shot ever. If this were The Matrix, five guys would have already gotten their asses kicked and we'd be at the closing credits. It's not even real Bullet-Time. It's just slow-motion with a CGI bullet in the air. Clark spins and actually crosses the air-trail of the bullet after it passes. The bullet smashes into another glass display. Thus endeth the great non-Bullet-Time sequence.
MeanCop spins around, trying to find Clark, but Clark is playing speed-tag. "What...are you?!" MeanCop growls. Lex and the guards rush in. MeanCop shoots at them. One of the cops manages to hit MeanCop in the chest. They all rush over to where he's lying. "Where's Clark? I know he came with you," Lex asks, quietly so nobody but MeanCop can hear. "Just tell me what you had on him," Lex commands. "Guh -- go to hell, Luthor," MeanCop finally says. Then he presumably dies, buggy eyes still open. Oh, so sorry, Lex.
Kent kitchen. Bo Duke walks in on Clark and MamaKent, saying that all the charges have been dropped. Couldn't they have met him at the jail, or at least strung up a banner that says, "Welcome home from the pokey, Daddy!" Bo says he received profuse apologies from the fuzz. MamaKent gives him a chaste kiss on the cheek and says it's finally over. Bo pisses on the parade and says there's more than one MeanCop out there. Clark asks what they'll do time. Bo says they'll just have to deal with it when the time comes. What kind of pissant plan is that? Clark offers to stop using his gifts. Except x-ray vision during gym class. Bo says he should just use some caution. Everybody smiles. "Are you sure nobody saw you last night?" MamaKent asks. Clark says he's positive.
The Torch. Lana rushes around with pigtails in her hair (is it pigtails when they run down each side? ["Yes." -- Wing Chun]), looking busy. Principal So Far From Smooth That The Light From Smooth Takes A Million Years To Reach Him walks in holding a copy of the newspaper. He's wearing some weird vest that makes it look like he's got on a priest's collar. He's trying to channel B.D. Wong from Oz. The headline on the paper reads, "Kwan crushes freedom of speech." That's not, like, editorializing, or anything. Lana says it's a news story. She wouldn't know a news story if it came and bit some acting skills into her. Principal Wishes He At Least Could Drink a Smoothie says it's unacceptable. He asks if she did this so he would reinstate Chloe. Lana says it was the right thing to do, and that Chloe was born for the job. What a sad birth. He says that while Chloe has passion, she lacks accuracy. Chloe, standing behind them, says she can work on that. Principal So Not The Smooth caves like he's in the Taliban and gives Chloe her job back. Chloe's hair, I just noticed, has been not-so-flippy. That must happen when she's sad. Principal leaves. Lana congratulates Chloe. Chloe apologizes for flipping out. She says the paper is the only thing she and Clark do together (except walking to school, eating lunch, going to parties, and practically everything else). Lana asks if Chloe thought she was trying to cut Clark out of her life. Extreme, extreme close-ups here. I can see the inside of their pores. Lana says she wants to be friends with Chloe, but she doesn't want to stand in the way of Chloe and Clark. Chloe, who looks like she's about to cry again, says there's nothing between them and that they're just good friends. Lana, looking evasive, echoes the sentiment. "Good," Chloe says, behind almost-tears. Now that they've got that out of the way, Chloe says she's going to see what Lana's messed up since Chloe's been gone. She actually says that.
Stately Luthor Manor. A purple-shirted Lex is on the computer. He's looking at some security footage from the museum. Something blurs across the screen -- a fast-motion Clark. Boobs comes up behind Lex, who looks supremely annoyed. She slips a hand in his shirt, Napoleon-style. She asks if he's coming to bed. Does she just sit around and wait for sex all day? "In a minute," Lex says. She's wearing the grossest green and red negligee ever. It's something even Frederick's of Hollywood would be too mortified to sell. Lex leans in closer to the monitor. He pauses a frame. We see a blurry, somewhat Clark-shaped figure from the overhead camera. Too bad it's not a close-up of Clark's crotch. Then Lex would definitely be able to identify what he was seeing. We go to blackout.