The episode begins with a teaser, but no "Previouslys" because, I mean, damn. The WB just showed the first two episodes again as a two-hour special just days ago, and if you can't figure out that Clark Kent is Superman and that he doesn't like the kryptonite, well The WB sure isn't going to help your stupid ass. Either that, or you're still watching Roswell and The WB has even less love for you.
We come in on a alt-rock musical montage of the Smallville Crows playing some nighttime football. I can't decide if this is supposed to be All the Right Moves with a little Any Given Sunday crunch, but one thing is certain: it's wet, and there's manly football to be played. If this were Top Gun, we'd be hearing Kenny Loggins singing "Playin' With the Boys." Kevin Arnold's dad from The Wonder Years is the coach, and he makes incredibly animated grimaces every time the camera happens upon him. Players line up. "Hut, hut!" is called. Guitars crunch and grind. It's like slick football porn. Slow-motion bodies crunch. The crowd goes nuts -- even the people in rain slickers holding "LETS GO CROWS!" Apostrophes? We don't need no stinkin' apostrophes! Several opposing team players sack/crunch the Smallville quarterback. The QB approaches the sideline, and the coach is ready to tear him a new helmet hole. Wonder Coach yells about it being a "pass play." The QB -- Jocko Whitney -- whines that the rain is falling so hard he couldn't see the passers. This is Kansas. Aren't these football players used to playing in the middle of tornadoes? The coach freaks out, grabs Whitney by the facemask (fifteen yards!), and pulls him to his manteats. "What does it say on my jacket?" Coach yells. "Starter?" Jocko wants to say, but instead he answers, "Coach." Coach blathers that coaching is not a democracy, you'll do as I say, blah blah blah playbookcakes. Coach elaborates that they've run the play hundreds of times, and that he doesn't have to see the passers to know where to throw. Just use The Force, Jocko. "I want you to win this game for us," Wonder Coach says, and all of a sudden, I see his Yoda-like wisdom. Scoreboard: Smallville, 20. Other Team, 24. "I'm a lover, I'm a renegade FIGHTA, gotta set your soul on FIYA!" the song blares. Players line up. Jocko gets the ball. The players in the distance go blurry. He dodges tacklers. Tosses the ball. Gets his ass tackled anyway. Endzone-bound player dives and catches. Coach screams. Cheerleaders jump up, bouncing their tiny boobies. Ponchoed fans cheer.
Locker room. I pause, and my Closed Captioning reads "Whoo" four times across the screen at once as the players rush in. Helmets are banged. One of the "Whoo"s is replaced with a "Yeah!" Coach interrupts the reverie to say, "There is another team eating crow tonight, gentlemen!" Ew. So the other team is eating them? What kind of sick, twisted, cannibalistic Midwest jargon is this? Coach begins to say how important week's game is, but Jocko interrupts and lets everyone know, by way of dramatic exposition, that it's going to put them in the state championship and will be Wonder Coach's 200th win. Jocko Whitney has a perfect, neat clot of dirt on his cheek. When he was in a truck wreck, he had a slim, neat cut across his cheek. Jocko is all about having his cheeks properly accessorized. We get a ceiling-shot of the Smallville Crows logo on the floor -- a red circle with a black crow. How inspired. All the players put in their fists and chant, "Coach Walt!"
The Creepy Music of Impending X-Files-isms plays as we pan across Wonder Coach's office and then to a sauna with a sign that says "Sauna." A plaque to the "Sauna" reads, "Walt's Private Sweat Box. From the alumni association in recognition of twenty years of dedicated service." Inside, a hand ladles water over a bunch of nasty, porous-looking rocks. They steam up a nasty green cloud, which JUST. ISN'T. HEALTHY. How can he not notice that? Instead, Wonder Coach leans in and takes a deep breath, as if he's in the Halls of Medicine. The fat, bloated, puffy, rotty, corpulent body that is Wonder Coach takes a seat, with yellow towels blessedly wrapped around his neck and his genitalia. As he sighs repeatedly, we zoom in on the creepy rocks. So much so that we go, Fight Club-style, into the rocks to see the glowing kryptonite within. Is there kryptonite in the house? Then I think we'll have this week's mutated villain soon. There's a knock on the door. Wonder Coach invites in whomever it is. A youngish, snappily dressed man of the Asian persuasion steps through the sauna door. "Principal Kwan," Wonder Coach introduces. I can't decide if I should make a joke about Michelle Kwan, the figure skater, or about how "kwan" meant "coin" in Jerry Maguire. What do you, the readers at home, think? Feel free to make up your own joke for this space. Coach asks what brings the principal to the Sweat Box. I really wish he wouldn't call it that. "We've got a problem, coach," Principal Smooth says, and he reminds me of B.D. Wong from Oz. His suit even has a white collar that makes him look a little like a priest.
Principal's office. Ooh, you in trouble! Football players have been cheating. Shocking! Seven players, Principal Smooth reveals, cheated on a math midterm. Smooth says that the players will be ineligible to play in the game. Coach suggests they keep it quiet for a few weeks and deal with it in the off-season. But Principal Smooth is also Principal Principled. He won't let an academic infraction get swept under the rug. I see now that he's wearing a sweater over his shirt and tie, and I lost about a third of a percentage point of respect for the man. It is at this point that Wonder Coach begins to lord over his domain. He says he's been there twenty-five years -- unlike the principal, who's only been around for six months. "We're not just talking about a game; we're talking about my legacy," Coach says. Smooth responds, smoothly, "I don't care about your legacy. I'm here to educate young people." Okay, he got the percentage back. Coach really loses it here and starts yelling about how many young men he's educated who've gone on to get great jobs as used-car salesmen and real-estate agents. Here's how smooth Principal Smooth is: "I know most people think you walk on water, Coach. But I think you're dangerous." A principal with balls. Who knew? Coach grimaces mightily. As he walks out, Principal Smooth says he's suspending the players on Monday, end of story. Wonder Coach -- who's wearing a symbolic red terrycloth robe -- gets mad and throws his towel on his desk. WHOOSH! A plume of flame spreads across the desk. The camera pans back to reveal Wonder Coach looking at the fire in horror, all, Did I do that? A miniature set of football players is engulfed (how many times you wanna bet I use the word "engulfed" in this recap?) by flames. The Coach reacts in horror at seeing a huge poster of himself on the wall equally eaten up by the fire. We black out on Wonder Coach, horrified at his own firebugness.
Opening credits. They're growing on me. By Episode 5, I plan to start singing along.
Smallville High. Shaper of young minds and the odd superhero and supervillain. The show is working really hard to make me love it, because they're playing "Clint Eastwood" by Gorillaz and y'all know that's the jam. You do know that song's about drugs, right? Just checking. Clark is holding a copy of The Smallville High Torch, the school newspaper. The headline reads "Football: Sport or Abuse?!" I don't even know where to begin with this. What retarded newspaper adviser let dumb-ass Chloe put a question mark and exclamation point at the end of the same headline? Clark Bar feels the need to read the headline out loud, just in case we're illiterate. Chloe asks what he thinks. "I think you need to seriously decrease your cappuccino dependency," Clark replies. That's what's wrong with this country. When you can get a cappuccino or a Jamba Juice in Kansas, there's no reason to dream of living anywhere else. Pete sticks up for Wonder Coach by saying that his dad and brothers were all coached by the man and he used to come over to watch the Super Bowl. It sounds like he's defending a pedophile. Chloe -- who is wearing a nasty green trenchcoat -- is proud that she is engaging in non-subtle journalism and that she's gotten hate mail. Her trenchcoat, by the way, is so ratty that if she applied to be in the trenchcoat mafia, they'd make her go get them some baked ziti. Chloe goes on about how great it is to get hate mail and how it means she struck a nerve. I get hate mail sometimes, and it usually just means I misspelled somebody's name or made a tiny mistake while writing about UNIX. I see from the underlying show credits that Wonder Coach is actually called "Coach Walt Arnold" on the show. They just couldn't resist the Wonder Years reference with that last name, huh? Sneaky Pete remarks that if Chloe thinks the guys on the football team are reading her paper, she's giving them way too much credit. Hell, they barely know how a pencil works.
Clark walks by Lana, and we get the Slow Motion of Stalkerly Affection. She's having a heated discussion with Jocko Whitney. Clark Bar can hear it all because he has that Super Hearing thing going. The "fight" he overhears consists of Lana saying, "Well, I think it is a big deal," and Jocko looking blank, wondering how he got himself tied to this sinking tugboat of a relationship. Lana, in her little cheerleader outfit and cheerleader sweater, storms off. Or in her case, with her acting range, it's more like a light drizzle off. Chloe must still think she's Dorothy Parker reincarnated, because she snarks, "There's something you don't see every day: a pompon meltdown." Chloe needs a good Superslap. Just then, a bunch of football players walk out of the school, and Chloe asks Pete to get her camera so that she can take a pic of those "cheating jockstraps." You'll make a fine journalist someday, Chloe. As Wonder Coach talks to his team, Clark asks Chloe how the players got that math midterm. Chloe -- who takes it upon herself to be a police investigator of all things -- says she's still working on figuring that one out. Somebody notices Chloe taking pictures with her big, clunky digital camera and throws a football straight for her face, just like I've been wanting to since Episode 1. Clark sticks out his hand and catches the football right in front of her, neat as you please. Pete says, "Nice catch." Chloe scolds Pete for not being mad that she was almost "assassinated." I'm sure Chloe must have some redeeming qualities somewhere underneath all that annoys me about her. Clark Bar throws the football back and, with a WHOOSH! sound effect, makes the football player clutch his stomach in pain as he catches the fast pigskin. Coach must have noticed, because as Clark walks off, he gives the boy a good, long, leering look. The kind of look that would make Lex Luthor jealous if he were around.
Inside the school, Clark and Pete hit the snack machine, and Wonder Coach approaches them. He compliments Clark on his lack of technique, but stunning display of power. Coach asks why Clark isn't on the team. "My dad needs me on the farm," Clark lamely explains. "Well, your school needs you on the field!" Coach retorts. "We're short players." Yet from what I can tell, they all look to be of average height. Clark says that his dad is stubborn. Coach reminisces about Bo Duke and how he had a lot of God-given talent. "It's in your genes, Clark," Coach tells the boy. Clark counters, "I'm adopted." Whups. Pete's highly amused. Coach starts getting riled up, saying that he's seen Clark staring at the football pictures of his dad in the trophy case. Coach backhandedly compliments Pete while he's at it: "He doesn't have a lick of natural talent, but he's got a truckload of heart." Truckloads of heart? Licks of talent? Ew. Coach calls Jocko Whitney over and asks how Clark would do on the field. Lana is in tow, giving Clark the sweeteyes. "Hi, Clark," she says dreamily. How does Jocko not notice that everyone in town wants his girl and that she doesn't seem too resistant to the idea? "Might do all right," Jocko says, noncommittally. "Seems afraid, though," Wonder Coach goads. Oh, he's going to play that card. "That's not the reason, is it, Clark?" Lana says, sticking up for her secret boyfriend. "It's my dad," Clark says again. Coach goes on to a speech about stepping out of your dad's shadow. How mortifying, to have five people in the middle of the hallway discussing whether you're a wussy or not. I'd have had to transfer to another school. "You ready to be your own man?" Coach concludes. Clark looks to Lana, who gives him a meaningful "You don't have to do this" look. Ever the dumb-ass, Clark says, "Count me in!" Lana looks disappointed. After everyone walks off, Pete reminds Clark that his dad won't like any of this one bit. He tries to be funny with it, but I'm doing him a favor by paraphrasing -- trust me.
More hallway drama. "This isn't about us," Lana says. She and Jocko argue about the football players who cheated. Jocko still doesn't see the big deal. Lana wonders how he can support that. "Because they're my friends," he says. He's got the big, blond, floppy hair. I keep thinking the strands are going to obscure the entire frame. Lana goes on a tear about the uncertainties of life, and how her whole world is crumbling because some guys cheated on a midterm. Oh, Lana. No wonder you never made it to Metropolis. Lana concludes by saying that Jocko is great at football, but that she wants to find something she's great at. How about starring in a TV show and having no discernible personality? You've already got a great start on that career track.
Kent Farm. We know this because the high, unnecessary crane shot pans down to reveal a wood sign: Kent Farm. If I were a Kent and I owned a farm, I'd at least have a more clever name for it. Like, "Kentfucky." Or "The Highly Kent-agious Organic Produce Farm and Karaoke Tavern." ["I'd call mine 'Kent Stop the Music.'" -- Wing Chun] Inside the barn, where Clark was raised, Bo Duke is working on yet another farming implement. I have yet to see him do a lick of farming (there's that "lick" again), but he's always trying to fix some piece of crap-ass equipment. Bo, I think you need to invest in some warranties time you buy your tractors. He's asking why Clark joined the football team. Clark whines that the Coach didn't give him a choice. "Did he give you the 'be your own man' speech?" Bo Duke booms, with his even-boomier-than-usual Coach imitation. Bo Duke jokes about the Coach, but says that Clark will just have to go and say he can't play. "Dad. Please don't make me do that," Clark begs. The less said about this line, even within context, the better. Clark Superwhines that he can be careful, and that Bo Duke just doesn't trust him. Bo warns that if Clark gets angry even for a second or tries to do some fancy moves to impress a girl (or Lex), their world could come crashing down. "You were meant for much more important things than winning football games," Bo says. He gives Clark the bit about how he's just happy to have a son who wakes up in the morning, even if it's four feet above the bed. And that he doesn't need to live vicariously through his son. Oops. "Why would you?" Clark asks, "You got to play." Check. Mate. Bo says he is signing no permission slip. Clark openly defies his old man by saying he's playing regardless. "You can't stop me," he says. And he means that literally.
Stately Luthor Manor. Three bookish-looking business guys are waiting for Lex to come in. One of them looks just like Robert Downey Jr. when he was in Soapdish. Lex comes in with a little towel around his neck, and a purple shirt. He calls the guys the "three wise men." One of them is named Dominic. I kid you not. One of the businessmen says that he assumes Lex is late because he's been fencing or has taken up polo again. It's hard being rich, y'all. Lex -- drinking a very fey blue bottle of very expensive water -- says he's not late because he cancelled the meeting, "if you'll recall." As Blond Businessman lectures Lex about keeping the meeting on his father's orders, Lex wraps his lips around that big bottle and takes a big, deep gulp. Would that I were exaggerating. "And when he barks, you jump," Lex says of his father, and I'm not sure, but I think they're still talking about business. Blond Business Ambition asks whether Lex has seen the quarterly numbers. Yes, he has. They're 20% below projections. Lex agrees that he's going to have to take drastic action. During this exchange, he grabs a pool cue off the wall and starts blue-chalking the end of it. Could there be any more phallic things for Lex to grab and play with in this scene? He's going to get a cucumber out of the fridge and start blowing it before it's all over. Blond Businessman says that he assumes Lex will be cutting 20% of his workforce. I may not know much about business, but having revenues or earnings 20% below projections doesn't necessarily equal 20% of a company's workforce. They just like the number twenty, those rascally Smallville writers. "On the contrary," Lex says slyly. Instead, he plans to increase his workforce by 20%. Lex leans over the red pool table and aims for a shot. Blond Business thinks this is some kind of joke. I think his little blond wussy goatee is some kind of joke. Lex counters that they need to spend money to make money, and that they should corner the market while their competitors retreat. How many fertilizer-industry competitors are there in Kansas? Blond Business invokes Lex's dad's wishes, but Lex is right there, getting in his face, saying that his father would rather surround himself with mindless drones than someone who challenges his "archaic business practices." You go, Lex! "Now. This meeting is adjourned!" Lex says, but not before waving his cue stick around menacingly. Lex gives Blond Business a little smiley look, and as the guy is on his way out, Lex says, "Oh, by the way, Dominic. Tell your sister I said hi." Blond Business, who has his back to Lex, stands still and looks as if somebody just stole a kidney from him. He turns around, gives Lex an angry look, and leaves. Lex just sits on the edge of the table, both hands on the pool cue.
An exterior shot of Lana's house from a strange sideways angle, and then we're in her bedroom, where at least three stalkers are watching from outside. Lana is folding her cheerleading sweater. A knock on the door. Nasty Nell is there. She's wearing her hair shoulder-length and straight and has on a tight purple top. She looks like she's trying very hard to be Teri Hatcher, but without all the withering. We haven't seen Nasty Nell since the pilot, and she sounds like she's got something in her mouth. Did she just visit Lionel Luthor? Lana tells her that she's quitting the cheerleading squad. "You loved being on the squad!" Nell says, suddenly concerned. Lana tells her there's more to life than cheerleading, and that she's upset about the cheating scandal. There's a disturbing lingering shot in which Lana bends over to put a box in the closet, and the composition makes her ass the focus of the scene. In the foreground, half of Nasty Nell's ass is in the frame, too. The camera is at ass-level. This is the Ass Shot. Nell leans her ass further into the shot and sits down. Thus ends the ass-fetish shout-out. Nasty Nell tells Lana that there are advantages to being a cheerleader. Lana says that she doesn't want to go back, and that she wants to try different things. She says she wants to get a job -- something part-time, so that she can have money to travel in the summer. Nell offers her a job at her flower shop. Lana says thanks, but no thanks. She wants to do this on her own. Nell looks a little hurt, but proud. And nasty.
Football field of dreams. Clark and Pete, all suited up, come out of the tunnel as the cheerleaders cheer. Clark asks whether Pete has seen Lana. He hasn't, but Bo Duke is in the bleachers. Clark is wearing a #89. When Clark goes over and says it means a lot to him that Bo is there, his dad tells him that he doesn't support Clark Bar's decision, and is only there to see that no one gets hurt. Bo Duke is the biggest killjoy in the history of dads. Clark looks sad. Aw. First play: Clark gets his ass tackled by four guys after a handoff. Wonder Coach yells at him, grabs him by the facemask (fifteen yards!), and yells for him to stop looking at the stands for Bo Duke. "Get angry! Kick some butt!" Coach says, and punches Clark in the chest. Rock music starts playing as they call the same play. This time, Clark barrels through, like, five guys, tossing people aside; then, using somebody as a stepladder, he leaps over some tacklers like a little bird, pushes one more guy aside, and runs for the endzone. He even does a little high-stepping on his way. Bo Duke looks pissed. He gets up and walks off, I hope to a store to replace his ratty-ass brown coat. People in the stands cheer Clark on. Bo Duke leaves the field.
Wonder Coach's office. He's watching Clark on video, where Clark is doing his girly leap over the tacklers. Principal Smooth enters, wearing a not-quite-so-fashionable blue suit jacket with khaki pants. Coach turns off the TV. "Ah. How's my favorite football fan?" he asks. Y'all -- I think he's being sarcastic. Smooth says that one of the players has come forward and accused the Coach of supplying them with the test. Overly dramatic music plays, and the light on Principal Smooth is cut by the window blinds. WB noir? Coach denies this, and asks which boy told that dirty lie. Then he asks whether Smooth already tried to get the coach suspended with the school board. "You have a lot of friends in high places," Smooth says quietly. I love Principal Smooth. "I coached most of them. I'm an institution," Wonder Coach says. I'm annoyed with him already. More about the twenty-five years. Smooth says that he's going to try to get the other players to come forward. Coach gets mad at that. He gets up, slams his hand on the desk, and, WHOOSH! The TV set is on fire! Coach looks scared. "What the hell is going on here, Coach?" Principal Smooth says. Smooth takes his briefcase and walks out, right past a fire extinguisher. He just left the room, with the fire still going. He is the worst principal ever. I take back my liking him.
Outside, Principal Smooth has left the building, as if nothing just happened. There's a fire, man! Good God! He's no Principal Skinner, I'll tell you that. He walks to his car. Suddenly it's night outside. Coach watches Principal Smooth through the window as the fire still rages behind him. "Who the hell does he think he is?" Coach asks. Notice all the "hell"s in the dialogue? Totally intentional. Principal Smooth gets into his car, and tries to turn the ignition. Coach is shown closing his eyes, concentrating. Oh no! It's Drew Barrycoach! Principal's car catches fire. He tries to get out, but the door won't open. His suitcase catches fire. Oh no! Not the suitcase! Coach leaves the window, satisfied with his pyrotechnics.
Clark and Pete leaving the school. It's about 11 PM. Why are they still there? As they walk out, Clark Bar sees the car fire. "Go get help!" he tells Pete. He rushes over, breaks a window, pulls the door off the car, and grabs Principal Smooth. He carries Smooth and runs toward us just as the car explodes, MacGyver-style. Roasted cheese. Clark looks back at the car as he lies on top of Smooth. Why is Clark always landing on top of other men or having them land on him? Just asking.
WB promo. What is up with that hair, Clark? You look like you're in Menudo.
Teri Hatcher Radio Shack commercial. She actually looks better as Bride of Frankenstein.
The Kent kitchen table. MamaKent gets her moment in the gradually diminishing spotlight by expositing that Principal Smooth suffered smoke inhalation, but will be okay. Hasn't anyone begun to notice that Clark saves roughly one person a week from a car wreck or fire? Hasn't Chloe noticed? Bo Duke asks whether anybody saw Clark save Smooth. Clark says he told the paramedics that he wrapped his hands in Principal Smooth's shirt to pull him out of the burning car. How did he explain the torn-off car door? Bo Duke starts in immediately on how Clark could have hurt the other boys on the football field. Clark must have had kryptonite dropped on his head as a child, because he doesn't seem to hear, and boasts that the coach gave him his dad's old position -- starting tailback. Tailback? Oh man. Where my slash fiction writers at again? Bo scoffs mightily. After Clark leaves, MamaKent reminds Bo Duke of how stubborn he was as a teen. She mentions that he ran away one summer to try out for the Metropolis Sharks. She puts in a good word for the Superboy, saying that they should trust him and let him have a shot at a little glory. They argue about judgment vs. trust. It's very boring.
Outside the "Beanery," the worst name ever for a coffee house, Chloe, Pete, and Clark are walking down the street. Chloe says that cars don't just spontaneously combust. She says she has her headline: "Jockstrap saves principal from burning car." What is it with Chloe and jockstraps? Pete agrees with me. Chloe says she can't believe Clark's been blinded by the Friday Night Lights. Nice dig there, Chloe. Chloe says that thing they know, she'll be joining the pompon brigade. Just then, Lana walks out in a waitress outfit, just like when Rachel wore one on Friends. I miss Gunther. Chloe gives Lana a hard time about waitresses. Jeez, cut the girl a break. She's working. She doesn't come to your school newspaper and take extraneous exclamation points out of your headlines. (There's a really funny heckler retort about coming to the heckler's job and slapping the dick out of his mouth, but I'm not vulgar enough to repeat it here.) "So you're a waitress for real?" Clark asks, without a trace of suavitude. Yes. Yes, she's a waitress. Clark asks where her necklace is. "No jewelry. No open-toed shoes," she says. She goes on about how she'll be great if she can learn the difference between a half-caf decaf and a non-fat latte. Coffee humor is so 1998. The three of them order coffee, even though it's like 10 at night. I really don't understand how people do that. I can't sleep all night if I have a Dr. Pepper at 2 PM. Clark goes over to Lana, bringing over a tray she left on a table. They talk about Lana quitting the cheerleading squad. She's wearing an awful lot of makeup for waitressing. Isn't she worried some of it will flake off and fall into the coffee? Lana says she's trying to break the vicious cycle of cheerleading. Clark asks about Jocko. Then he says it's strange that she quit the squad as soon as he joined the team. Lana invites Clark to visit her on the nights she's working. Just then, a scary head waitress -- who looks like Ms. Dipesto from Moonlighting gone to seed -- interrupts and tells Lana to get her bony ass back to work. Only without the "bony ass" part. "Clark Kent is a football player and Lana Lang is a waitress," Chloe muses. She can't believe it. She says she wants to click her heels and return to reality. You know she wants to mention Bizarro World, but she can't. Just then, a bunch of football players (they drink coffee?) get up to leave on the news that the coach has called a meeting, Pete just sits there, not knowing what's going on. Chloe grabs her ratty coat and follows the players. Lana spills a whole tray of coffee drinks and gets a round of applause. Clark shrugs and smiles at her. Gross.
Football field. Sprinklers are going and Coach is interrogating seven players -- the ones who cheated, we surmise. He wants to know who ratted him out. He yells and effuses and it's all very Patton. One wussy blond guy says, "No college will even look at us with cheating on our record!" His name is Trevor, which I've always thought is just a funny name. Coach comes over and slaps him right across the jaw. At that moment, the sprinklers start shooting bursts of fire. It looks pretty cool, actually. The players look around as the sprinklers continue spraying flames. Pretty soon, big chunks of the field are covered in fire. More yelling. More fire. Coach tells the players to keep their mouths shut. It's very hellacious. Wonder Coach walks off, and we see Chloe standing by a rail taking pictures with her digicam.
Homoerotic exchange ahead. John Glover as Papa Luthor walks in carrying a newspaper and tosses it on Lex Luthor's desk. With his strange, wonderful, singing voice, he congratulates Lex for making the business page. Lex is in a blue shirt and sitting behind a Mac Titanium Powerbook that I covet. We see Papa Luthor from the front, and he's got huge wavy hair and a big beard with gray in it. He's totally compensating for his son's baldness. Lex says he'd already told Dominic what he was planning to do. Papa says he had it dutifully reported to him by a "drone." Lex asks why Papa didn't just call. Papa Luthor goes on about how there's a reporting structure and it doesn't differ just because Lex is his son. Aw, Papa. Don't preach. "That wounded-pride routine may have worked with your mother, but don't try it with me!" Glover/Papa says after Lex tries to make him feel bad for not treating him all special. Papa comes around the desk as he says this. He reaches out a finger and tries to touch Lex on the cheek. Lex pulls back. "You know perfectly well how I feel about you," Papa says. Is that a threat? Lex complains that he's working in a "crap factory" in Smallville. Papa says that the Caesars would send their sons to the farthest reaches of the empire so they'd learn about the world. Lex doesn't buy it. "Here's how I propose we solve our impasse," Papa Luthor says. He pulls out a sword and proposes a fencing duel. Damn. In my family, we just arm-wrestled. The deal is if Papa wins, Lex has to fire the workers. If Lex wins he gets to keep them. "So the question you have to ask yourself, Lex, is...are you good enough to take your old man?" Lex looks at his grinning old man intensely. I blush.
Fencing music! Lex and Papa Luthor are in matching white outfits because of course there's a custom-fitted fencing suit for Papa wherever he goes. They fence, quite badly. At one point, Papa rolls over a pool table, waving his hair around, then has the nerve to call Lex's moves rash and immature. Showoff. I don't get a really good look at Papa's package, but I could have sworn I saw a cameltoe. Papa tells Lex he's ruled by his emotions and always has been. They fence for a bit until Papa pushes Lex's foil away and gets him on the upper chest. He pushes him down by swordtip to the floor and says he wants the workers gone by noon the day. Lex breathes heavily. "Meeting adjourned," Papa says. Lex is left to bask in a glowing red light of his own humiliation and odd arousal.
Barn. I don't know why Clark is using this place as his dressing room, but he's put on a red jersey with a #22 on it. I have no idea what the significance of that is. MamaKent comes up and tells him he looks as handsome as his father. We've got some weird parental-child remarks flying around in this episode. Clark tells his Ma that she doesn't have to play peacekeeper all the time. She tells Clark that they're both to blame, both Clark and Bo Duke. She tells Clark that she and Bo Duke want to trust Clark, but that it's hard, what with his being a freakish alien and all.
School bonfire. Chloe has no school spirit whatsoever, because instead of cheering, she's sneaking around. She goes up to that blond wussy player from before, who is standing scared to one of the stadium entrances. Turns out Chloe called him earlier to try to dig up some dirt. He tries to play scared informant and tells her she should just leave the situation alone. Deep Throat he's not. Chloe tells him that whether he talks or not, the photo she has will be on the front page of The Torch the day. It's a picture of the players gathered around the field with fire all around them. What's so incriminating about that? He's still scared, though. But he tells Chloe to leave him alone.
As Scaredy Player walks back to his car, Wonder Coach finds him and grabs his arm. Sizzle time! Steam comes up where the Coach is grabbing the player's hand. He whines the whole story about Chloe to the Coach, who just says, "All right," and lets go of the kid's arm. "I'll take care of this."
In the offices of the soon-to-be-aptly-named Torch, Chloe is hard at work on her iMac on a front page detailing the fire-sprinkler scandal. This show is all about the product placement. Rock music plays, because laying out pages is so damned cool. From behind a fire exit, Wonder Coach closes his eyes and concentrates. He's a Firestarter! Somebody call The Prodigy! Suddenly, Chloe's mouse and computer burst into flames. Yep, a cheap iMac will do that. She gets up, and the whole desk is on fire. Then a blue pool of flame extends on the floor toward Chloe, who is backing away toward the window. Outside, people are cheering around a bonfire. Get it? More fire? God, I love parallels. At that moment, Sneaky Pete asks Clark Bar whether he's seen Chloe. "Nope." Inside the building, Chloe opens a window and yells, "Clark!" Clark is the only person outside who notices that a fire is going on in the building and that somebody is yelling. Naturally. Inside, Chloe takes off her jacket, wraps it over her head, and tries to run though the fire. The coat catches fire, but she tosses it off and makes it through. Then some flames come up in front of her. She turns, and more flames are behind her. These flames are smart! In the hall, Clark is super-speeding along in Blur-O-Vision. Clark bursts through the door. The Coach opens his eyes and loses his concentration. By the time Clark is there, the flames have all died down, and Chloe doesn't even have a slight smoke stain on her. She and Clark hug. Never mind getting out and away from the fire. The Coach walks off, severely disappointed.
In the torched offices of The Torch, Clark Bar and Chloe are going through the rubble. So the police and the fire department, who are clearly not in any way involved in this fire, just let the students go back in immediately? Of course. Yes. That makes sense. Clark tries to make a dramatic-irony joke (the same one I used to start this paragraph) and it falls flat. Just like mine. Chloe -- she of the Wall of Weird -- is already on top of things. She knows the fire was sentient, she knows about the pyrotechnic sprinklers, and she knows about the connection with Principal Smooth. Chloe is like a lawyer. She just saps the fun out of everything by knowing every damn thing. I still don't like her. Clark doesn't believe Chloe because she's already 2 for 2 in straight episodes as far as sniffing out conspiracies. Clark tells Chloe she has no proof that her equipment was toasted. She says they can squeeze the information out of Trevor. "He wants to talk. I know it," she says. She thinks Trevor will open up to Clark. Of course. He's got that man-love thing going.
At the atrociously named "Beanery" (doesn't that name just make you think of farts?), Lex is sitting in a chair looking at some financial figures. Doesn't Lex have a whole staff of competent butlers and cooks to make him a good cup of coffee? Lex is all about taking down The Man, one coffee bean at a time. Lana walks up to Lex. "Lana? What happened? Did Nell put you out on the street?" he asks. No, Lex. Hooking is Nasty Nell's job. Lana tells Lex that she's broken the most dishes of all the waitresses. Don't you have to have a little coordination to be a cheerleader? Lex tells her to bring his cappuccino in a Styrofoam cup. Ha. Lex is funny. Clark walks in just then wearing the big #22 that he can't seem to take off. Lex is watching intently. Clark Bar asks Lana how she's doing. "Today is one of those days I just want to scream," she says. You know, she delivers every line exactly the same way. As if it's a loud whisper. She apologizes for not getting to see Clark play the night. She'll be working, you see. She asks if she can get him anything. Just then, Lex looks up and gives the Gayest Look of the Episode, a kind of "Who is this trifling woman and why is she standing between me and my Ho-Ney!" He's having little fencing fantasies in his head. Clark sits down with Lex, who gives Clark a hard time about joining the football team. "Your dad must be thrilled," Lex says. He's always bringing up Bo Duke. Lex does a charming bit about how his family is all about uncomfortable silences, just like the one in the Kent home now. Then Lex shows Clark what he's working on: deciding what poor bastards to fire from the fertilizer plant. Lana chimes in, unwelcomed, that her Aunt Nell had a look on her face when she found out about the waitressing. Which isn't entirely true if I remember that scene right. "I guess we're all in the same boat," Clark says. Yeah, the Boat of This Shit Hasn't Got Much in Common, But Let's Draw Some Weak Parallels Anyway. Yeah, that ship has sailed, all right. "You both stood your ground and are doing what you want," Lex says, "and I caved. You two have inspired me." Clark says that all they did was join a football team and pour some coffee. Notice how he makes his thing sound good, but reduces Lana's new job to mere housework. Bastard. They raise their cups and toast the revolution, which is pretty precious, but what do I know. I worked at Whataburger all through high school. Lex takes a sip of his big foamy drink and gets a big white glob of foam on his upper lip. I don't think that's an accident. He tells Lana it's perfect. "Is that what you ordered?" Clark asks after Lana leaves them to their looove. "Not even close," Lex tells him. You can cut the sexual tension in this scene with a knife. A very gay knife.
Clark breaks and enters yet again, this time into Trevor's garage. Clark Bar calls out that he's there to talk, but Trevor tells him to go away. He's sitting in a corner surrounded by fire extinguishers. I smell something burning, all right, and I think it's cheese. "Once he gets angry..." Trevor begins. Boo hoo story about The Coach riding him all the time. He shows Clark his burnt arm. There are finger marks where he was burned. It is revealed that Wonder Coach did give him the cheat-test. Big surprise there. "I can help," Clark tells Trevor. Trevor is dubious. You know, that burn doesn't even look like a burn. It looks like somebody smeared Smuckers Raspberry Preserves on his arm.
The awfully named Sweat Box. Clark confronts Wonder Coach about his hotheadedness. "Why aren't you suiting up?" Coach asks. Clark tells him that he's not going out on the field, and neither is Wonder Coach. "I don't know what your problem is, but you do not want to tick me off," Coach says, and as he says it, the kryptonite steam rocks flare up. Clark starts to look nauseous and his hand becomes all wrinkly and mottled. "I saw what you did to Trevor's arm!" Clark moans. "Trevor should have kept his mouth shut!" Coach yells back. So now it's a parable about wife beating? Coach takes out his aggressions by punching Clark in the stomach, throwing him against the wall, and leaving him to die on the sauna floor. Kryptonite rocks are knocked over and spill all over the floor. "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a game to win," Coach says. He's not much of a supervillain, is he? Clark lies there in pain. Coach locks the door behind him. We go to commercial as Clark looks hopelessly at the green stones.
Football field. The game is going just as MamaKent and Bo Duke arrive. MamaKent calls Chloe "Smallville's resident cynic." They all ask each other if they've seen Clark. Nobody has.
We go back to the Sweat Box, where Clark is still twisting and moaning. He picks up a rock, although his hand seems to look just fine, and tries throwing it at the small sauna window.
Back on the field, Bo Duke goes up to Pete, who is warming the bench, and asks if he's seen Clark. Wonder Coach hears him and goes over. Coach tells Bo Duke he's not allowed on the field. And that if he's looking for Clark, they need him on the field: "Guess he doesn't know what it takes to be a winner." Now, Coach, that's just mean. Chloe looks on suspiciously. When Bo comes back, Chloe tells him she thinks the Coach is lying. They both go off to look for Clark. Coach sees what's going on, and follows them, telling his second-in-command to call the game. Way to protect your legacy.
Inside the Box of Sweat, Clark is still throwing green stones. Bo Duke is just outside, looking for him. He comes upon the sauna and sees his almost-dead gay son...er, I mean, "his Superboy" in trouble. After several attempts and increasingly dramatic music, he breaks through the door. "It's meteor rocks," Clark moans as Bo pulls him out. As soon as they're out, Coach busts Bo Duke on the back with a fire extinguisher. Clark's hand turns from wrinkled to purty and he gets up to start fighting. Coach tries the fire-extinguisher thing again, but Clark just blocks it with his hand. Then he kicks the coach, and the guy flies through a glass fire exit and lands painfully on a bench, then the floor. Coach gets up. "You need help," Clark tells him. "What I need is to win this game!" he answers. I liked it better when Dennis Hopper played all the villains. "It's too late for that," Clark says. Coach starts to shake, and flames sprout up everywhere. Clark is unaffected. He walks calmly through the flames, and his clothes don't even ignite. The special effects here? Not top notch, I can tell you. Shocked, Wonder Coach asks, "How'd you do that?" Clark takes off his coat and says, "It's in the genes!" which is just a lame-ass line. Coach throws a punch. Clark dodges and punches him back, flinging him effortlessly against the shower walls. "Give it up, Coach! You've lost!" Clark shouts. Wonder Coach gets mad. Very mad. More mad than we've ever seen him -- even more mad than when Kevin would break something on The Wonder Years. He gives a mighty scream and flames erupts all around him. Clark doesn't look too sad to see the coach burn to death right before his eyes. Goodbye, Villain #3. There is no honor in beating up Kevin Arnold's dad.
Stately Luthor Manor. Nighttime. As Papa Luthor storms in, Lex gets up and says he's flattered: two visits in one week from his dad. "What is this?" Papa asks, pointing to a report. Lex says he figured out a way to cut operating costs so the company wouldn't lose a single employee. Papa says that he specifically told Lex to cut those jobs. "With this plan you don't get the bad P.R.," Lex says. You know, when a company lays off people, they get bad publicity, but their stock usually soars. Sad fact of life. Papa gets mad. "Careful, dad. You're getting emotional," Lex says. "We could always try a rematch." Lex pulls out a foil. Was it always like this in their house? "Son. Take a bath." "No, dad. Let's duel for it!" Angry, Papa Luthor says, "You get one." "One what?" "One chance to defy me." Lex says he can't figure out what dad hates more: the fact that Lex came up with the plan or that Papa Luthor didn't think of it himself. Papa Luthor says that empires aren't built on clever bookkeeping. Lex delivers the line that's supposed to give us chills: "You have no idea what I'm capable of." I got about a third of a chill there. Then Lex does a weird, flirty smile. You really gotta watch those facial expressions, Lex.
School o' Fire. Clark and Bo Duke are walking out of the school, again with free access as firefighters just stand around. It's hours later. The game is over. Were they inside this whole time, inhaling smoke? Bo says he's sorry Clark didn't get to play. No, he's not! Clark asks whether Bo Duke was there to make sure Clark didn't hurt anyone. "I was here to support my son," Bo says. Does he ever take off that brown jacket, even when there's fire around? Bo and Clark make up and say they're both sorry. They walk off, Bo's arm on Clark's shoulder. Aw. Bonding.
Back on the field -- which has retained no signs of flamage -- Clark is just walking along. Coincidentally, Lana comes up behind him. "Peaceful, isn't it?" she asks. Clark asks why she isn't working. She says she was laid off. Basically for being a dumb-ass. Lana says that Aunt Nell told her she should reconsider cheerleading. "I heard about the coach. Pretty weird," Lana says. That's all you have to say about a man bursting into flames inside the school? She should be principal someday. Clark mentions that the coach won his 200th game without even seeing it. Lana asks whether Clark plans to play the year. Clark says his granddad and father both played, and he wants to break the vicious cycle. Don't you hate it when shows end by repeating lines from earlier in the show, only another character says them instead? There's probably a formula for doing that. Lana asks why Clark is quitting. He says he got on the field and realized his reason for playing was gone. Significant Look Exchanged. "Who said life was fair?" Clark asks. Yeah, some of us didn't get superpowers. "Are you gonna be okay?" Lana asks. "Sometimes I just wanna scream," Clark Bar answers. "Why don't we?" Lana says. Oh, how delicious! Primal-scream therapy! Clark asks if she's serious. She is, God help us. Clark counts to three. They both raise their arms and scream. The camera, of course, seizes the opportunity and cranes way up to the sky, looking down on them. It is at this moment that the entire Earth should crack and blow up from the force of Clark's scream, but of course this is the Dawson's Creek portion of the show, not the Roswell portion. We black out on two screaming pretty people.
week: Cool X-Ray Vision! And Lex is holding yet another dangerous phallic object -- this time it's a gun.