Previously on Roswell, But From Krypton: meteors plowed into a small Kansas town, forever dooming it to appear on The WB. A small boy who fell from the sky in a space pod is adopted by Annette O'Toole and Bo Duke from The Dukes of Hazzard. Nobody in the tiny town seemed to mind or notice. Teen Clark Kent discovered that he is, indeed, a space freakazoid. Clark's "friends" bet that he can't get within five feet of pretty-yet-ugly Lana Lang without falling on his lame ass. It's true, because she's got a necklace full of kryptonite. Clark got hit by Fashionably Bald Lex Luthor's car and got not a scratch. Clark's friend Chloe showed off "The Wall of Weird," showing strange occurrences in the town since the meteor shower. Clark got strung up in a cornfield for a weird scarecrow ritual. Lex made off with Lana's kryptonite necklace, and Clark mooned over Lana with his home telescope and spy kit.
Remember the cheesy cut to the stars and the bad alt-rock music that ended the last episode? Well, so do the writers, because that's exactly where we start, right on the night of the big high-school dance. We pan down from a starry Kansas sky to Lana Lang's house, where one lone light, in the room at the top left, is on. Then we pan to the left and it's time to get fah-reaky! The homespun orchestral music turns dark and moody, very Twin Peaks, as we go into some trees and see something -- a man? a bug? a bug-shaped man? -- crouched on a limb.
Now we're in Lana's room, which is pretty devoid of personality that we can see so far, much like her character. Lana, in her pink dress, takes off her homecoming tiara, goes to a big white shelf unit, and opens a bottom drawer. In it are seemingly hundreds of tiaras, crowns, ribbons, and other evidence of her almost superhuman ability to be the only girl in town who wins anything. Lana turns and notices a breadbox-sized gold gift, tied with a blue ribbon, on her bed. She gives it the little "what are you, then?" head tilt, and smiles. Lana's wearing an awful lot of eye makeup. But being that Nasty Nell has been raising her for the last decade or so, we'll forgive it. Lana sits on the bed, undoes the ribbon, and opens the box. A bunch of computer-generated butterflies or perhaps moths fly out, dancing around. They look fluorescent, as if they somehow bested and ate one of those hanging outdoor bug zappers. Lana looks around, delighted, just like she's in a bad cartoon/live-action short. Her room lights up all pretty and blue. It is then that we zoom back and reveal that Lana is being watched through a videocamera. Clark Kent, no! I knew he was a bad seed. A space freak, stalker, Wes Bentley-wannabe Supercreep! Oh, wait, my bad. It's actually some guy with stringy hair and glasses who's watching Lana. Still. Clark? I'm watching you.
, we see Stalker Boy walk down a smoky, misty stretch of road to his waiting VW Bug. (Oh, funny. The bug allusions have just started.) He throws in his backpack, gets into his green bug, and drives off into the Mist of Indeterminate Origin. He gets home to his very nice house and is greeted by his mom, who is the bus driver from the fantastic film The Sweet Hereafter which, if you haven't seen, you should rent right after you finish this recap. Stalker Boy creeps into the living room, grabbing the corner of the wall, and we see his face for the first time. He's pimply, with limp, nasty hair and deadened eyes. Mom's watching TV; on it, we see Lana lying on some grass and laughing with her boyfriend Whitney -- which is the strangest name for a jock ever, but I digress. "Is this what you do with your time now, Greg?" Mom asks accusingly. In her hand, she's holding several camcorder tapes, and if the cribbing of American Beauty isn't obvious, maybe they should have just made the mother an ex-Marine. Stalker Boy asks where she got the tapes. "In that hole you call a room," she says. At least she didn't call it a hive. Stalker Boy bitches about Mom going in his room, and she says he has a lot of nerve talking to her about privacy. "I am in the Garden Club with Lana's aunt," Mom says, and she looks positively pissed. She asks whether that's where he was tonight. He says he was out "collecting." "Two disgusting habits," she says. Since when did stalking become a habit? Is there a patch or some gum you can buy to stop with the stalking? Because I think Clark Kent needs some Stalkerderm, too. "Insects aren't disgusting, Mom," Stalker Boy says, with the intensity of Chris Kattan playing Antonio Banderas talking about The Sexy. Mom comes over to Stalker Boy; she says that all of this isn't him and, goodness, look what's become of her boy! He says, "People change." Mom threatens to send him to Claremont Military Academy because she's had it with his behavior. No such place. "Hey, who's going to take care of my bugs?" Stalker Boy wails. Hee hee.
Inside the Stalker Boy's lair: he's practically Jame Gumb. He's got butterflies, moths and bugs in all manner of glass containers. He presses his face against the aquarium holding butterflies like the ones he gave to Lana. He wanders over to his backpack and removes a big glass jar containing what look like radioactive fireflies. They're buzzing around, and he does what bug people are always telling you not to do: he shakes the jar around. Then he breathes deeply, in a creepy sexual way. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Oh, wait, there is! "Don't worry guys," he croaks to his jar 'o bugs, "I'm going to take you somewhere safe." Um, would that be outside?
Somebody must be driving a car in Smallville, because loud crap rock is playing. In this instance, it's Papa Roach's (do you get the bug reference? Do ya?) "Last Resort." Stalker Boy is driving all crazy with the glass jar on his dashboard, as if they're little radioactive flying Jesuses. He swerves to avoid absolutely nothing; the jar falls off the dashboard and shatters on the floorboards. Suddenly, the computer animated firefly-looking things start buzzing around. One of them heads right for the camera like Ric Ocasek in a Cars video. Stalker Boy looks not very happy all of a sudden, and starts swatting at his precious, precious bugs. If this were Jurassic Park, he'd be Wayne Knight. The bugs swarm around Stalker Boy and he moans, "Oh no! Don't do that!" Instead of stopping the car like a sane and logical person who's not on TV, he keeps driving, even though the bugs are attacking him. thing you know, he hits a tree. Naturally. The VW Bug is dead, but the flying bugs are very much alive, attacking the crap out of Stalker Boy. The camera pulls back as the inside of the VW casts a greenish Tommyknockers glow. Stalker Boy screams.
Inside Stalker Boy's room, a locust is crawling on broken glasses. His mom knocks on the door and asks, "Where have you been?" and pronounces "been" like you'd pronounce "bean." This is how we know the show was shot in Canada and not Kansas. ["Gabrielle Rose is totally Canadian. I think she's been in every Atom Egoyan movie." -- Wing Chun] Mom walks into the room, looks around while the creepy creepy music plays, and leaves, disgusted with her weird son. The camera pans up to the ceiling as the sound of chittering bugs intensifies. He's on the ceiling! Facing down! Stuck up there! Like he's Lionel Richie! His skin is mottled and nasty. His hair is slicked back. He's not Stalker Boy. He's Bug Boy!
Right at this moment, I expect to hear the X-Files opening theme and it jars me badly that, instead, it's the opening to Smallville. "Save Me" by Remy Zero plays, but I'm told by my forum peeps that they gutted the song of its guitars. To end all debate on the matter from my end: the song is nowhere near as bad as the one that opens Enterprise. And I dig the wailing vocals. Each cast member is introduced by superimposing (ha!) their big heads over scenes of them from the pilot episode. Annette O'Toole looks like she's sucking a lemon. Bo Duke gulps while a farm with a weathervane is in the background. That sort of thing. At least the opening sequence is short.
Most gratuitous T&A advertisement ever for Victoria's Secret. I wonder if they'll keep advertising lingerie on this show once they figure out that there's nothing hetero or T&A about this show whatsoever.
Nighttime flying over Smallville. In hazy moonlight with dreamy music playing, we pass, first-person, over the Luthor fertilizer plant, over rolling farm land, and straight into Lana's bedroom window. Lana's asleep, on her back, in a white nightshirt. So what if I was looking? Clark's big head (his hair looks different and puffier this week) floats into the frame. He smirks goofily. We cut to reveal that he's floating horizontally in the air about three feet above Lana, like some bastard child of David Copperfield. Lana opens her eyes and says, "It's all your fault, Clark." Is she pregnant already? Clark looks surprised. Then we hear, "Clark?" and it's the voice of Clark's Mom. Clark suddenly wakes up; he's floating over his own bed. He falls face down onto his bed and crashes to the foot of the bed, then the head. Mom calls out that Clark's going to be late for the farmer's market. Hey, at least it wasn't a super wet dream.
So they got one thing right on the show: Weezer's "Island in the Sun" plays as we pan over a sunny day at the farmer's market. I don't know what an island has to do with a farming town in Kansas, but I'll take good music where I can get it. We see Clark picking up a sign and hanging it. It reads, "Kent Organic Produce." "Organic"? There's something fruity about Pa Kent, methinks. Super Cheekbones uses his thumb to push a huge nail into a post to tack up the sign. Lana and Jocko Whitney walk along the market arm in arm. Chloe and Pete are there for no good reason, and Chloe snarks, "All hail the homecoming king and queen!" She's wearing a black shirt with a red cross on it. I think it means she's a certified sarcasm donor. Lana walks up to Cheekbones and asks why he wasn't at the dance the night before. Jocko and Cheekbones exchange a look. "I was a little tied up," Cheekbones says, finally. Just then, Bo Duke comes up and fawns over Jocko Whitney. "That was one heck of a game!" he booms. "I haven't seen an offense that good since I played!" Jocko Whitney gets his hand shaken, and thanks Bo Duke, but he's really thinking that if all the stuff on the locker-room wall is true, he's probably going to have to wash his hand thoroughly later. Cheekbones offers to get the rest of the fruit out of the truck. Bo Duke doesn't even notice all the paternal issues he's just raised by lavishing affection on his son's nemesis. Bo Duke offers Lana a piece of fruit. It's organic and tiny.
As Cheekbones walks off to mope, Jocko catches up with him and says that the night before -- the stringing-up and spray painting -- was all just a joke. A cruel and dangerous one, but a joke nonetheless. Then he gets serious: "Hey, I need that necklace back" Cheekbones takes much pleasure in telling Jocko that he doesn't have it, and that if Jocko wants it, he'd better go out to that cornfield and find it.
Back to Lana. She's playing with some butterfly-shaped hanging chimes. "Beautiful, isn't it?" someone behind her says. She turns to find Bug Boy, only now he's morphed into some amalgamation of Tim Roth, Chad Lowe, and a younger Matthew McConaughey, complete with floppy hair. And instead of his geeky flannel, he's now wearing all black. "Hey. Greg. I didn't recognize you without your glasses," Lana says. Bug Boy tells Lana that butterflies only live about eight hours. Lana says that they die young, and are the rock stars of the insect world. I thought beetles were the rock stars of the insect world. Bug Boy asks whether Lana will help him with an English paper. "Nathanael West assignment giving you brain freeze?" Lana asks. "Yeah, it's kickin' my ass," he responds coolly. Lana agrees. Bug Boy wants to do it at his house, but Lana counters with a library offer. Agreed. Much smiles. "It's a date," Bug Boy says. Just then, Jocko comes along and says that Nasty Nell -- whom we still haven't seen since the beginning of the pilot -- is looking for Lana. After Lana leaves, Jocko tells Bug Boy (and calls him "Bug Boy," too) to stop tailing his girlfriend. You know, it's hard being Jocko. Everybody's after his girl. And it's not even like he's just imagining it. Let's give Jocko a little sympathy, here. Bug Boy asks whether Jocko is afraid of some competition. Jocko counters by saying that if he finds out Bug Boy has been dropping butterfly care packages, he'll be hearing about it. Jocko walks off. Bug Boy says, practically to the camera, "Sometimes you're the windshield and sometimes you're the bug." Sometimes you're just the annoying.
Lana and Jocko walk to Jocko's truck, where they kiss and part ways. Because he has rightfully reclaimed his throne as the one true stalker of this show, Clark looks after them, pining for the fjørds. Just then, Lex appears from the right of Cheekbones, and gives Clark the gayest look I have ever seen. So gay is this look that I am compelled to watch seasons of Queer as Folk, to read every work I can find by Oscar Wilde, to watch every Tom Cruise movie ever made, and still, after all this research, I cannot find a more smoldering, clearly gay look given from one fictional character to another. "That was the gayest look ever!" I cry out. Rebecca -- who is watching along with me -- says, "That's just being cute." "Same thing!" I answer back. To add salt to this already spicy look, Lex says, "Can't knock your taste in women." Oh, Lex, please do. Lex is wearing a snazzy white shirt with a black jacket, and I am powerless not to notice. He picks up an apple from Cheekbones's cart (symbolism, much?), and asks to hear about what happened in the cornfield the night before. Cheekbones says it was a prank. Lex points out that 'Bones was tied to a pole in the middle of a field. "Even the Romans saved that for special occasions," Lex says. "You could have died out there." Cheekbones says that he doesn't want to talk about it. At that moment, the booming, avuncular farm man that is Bo Duke comes along, carrying his own box of produce. Lex makes a big show of saying hi to Mr. Kent, and extends his hand. Unlike the last episode, there is a hesitation, but Bo Duke finally does shake Lex's hand. You'll be in-laws in no time. "At least I got a handshake this time," Lex says. Look, I may be of the straight persuasion, but even I buckle under the weight of the Lex Charisma. It's strong and powerful and so wrong, it's right. Oh, Lex. Take me out of this Kansas farmtown before I wilt like a hothouse flower! (Ahem.) Sorry. Moving on...Cheekbones walks off. Lex fixes his gaze on the young lass, Lana, and takes a bite of the apple. He gives it a nasty look, and tosses the rest of the apple on the Kent truck. Organic, my ass.
Rock music. Truck drivin'. This time it's Jocko, in his Ford truck. We cut to Bug Boy, who is using his newfound bug powers to scale a tree. Bug Boy waits in the eaves and then, just as Jocko's truck is passing, he leaps onto the roof and starts banging the ceiling in. Jocko looks around. Suddenly, the banging causes the window to him to shatter and collapse, and the whole truck to flip over. So dire are these violations to the laws of physics that ashamed scientists everywhere have guns to their heads right now. (If it were an SUV, I'd have believed it.) We see Bug Boy standing in the road, looking triumphant. He pops his neck by crooking it to the side. We see Jocko inside his truck, unconscious.
Bug Boy turns in time to see the Kent family truck approaching. They replaced their General Lee-colored truck with a blue one. "Oh my God! Jonathan!" Mama Kent cries, and this will be about her only line in the entire show. Apples fly all over the back of the truck as Bo Duke swerves, pulling over. Cheekbones is out in a flash while Bo digs behind his seat for a fire extinguisher. Who do you think will prove more effective in this rescue? 'Bones yanks off the windshield and drags Jocko out of his seat. We see leaking gas and fire. "Clark!" Bo Duke yells, and suddenly there's an explosion. But it's okay. Clark is hugging Jocko from behind (keep your jokes to yourself, thank you) and uses his body as a shield. The fire looks incredibly fake and hokey and envelops them both, raising the question: what was shielding Jocko from the front? Force field? Sure. Clark can't even keep himself in bed at night. Ma and Bo start yelling for Cheekbones after the explosion. They find 'Bones huddled over Jocko. Bo puts a hand on 'Bones and it comes away, sizzling like a fajita. The two crispy critters are fine. Even their clothes are unburned. Bo Duke beams.
On the Kent moo-cow farm, Bo tells Cheekbones, out on the porch, that Jocko has a few cuts and bruises, but will be fine. Conveniently, Jocko doesn't remember what happened. Cheekbones tells Bo that he needs to talk to Mama Kent because she's freaked out about the whole thing. "She's also very proud," Bo croaks. 'Bones uses this moment to reveal that something else happened to him that morning: when he woke up, he was floating. "Floating," Bo Duke repeats, looking a little freaked out himself. I bet he's wondering how easy it would be to be one of those Papa Was a Rolling Stone daddies and just book it to St. Louis. Cheekbones asks what's happening to him. "As soon as you start breaking the laws of gravity, we're definitely in uncharted territory," Bo says. "I just wish it would stop," Cheekbones mopes. Bo says that he may not have the answers, but that they'll figure it out. Together. 'Bones says he's scared, and walks off.
Stately Luthor Manor. In a huge room of stained-glass windows, Lex holds up the kryptonite bracelet to examine it in the sun. He slides an ornate black box across a desk and eyes the necklace one more time before putting it in that box.
Horse riding. With strummy rock music. Lana rides her horse into her family's stable. "Your form's good, but his gait's off," she hears. It's Lex, talking about her horse. What, does he have gait-dar? Lex, wearing all black, introduces himself as a friend of Lana's aunt. She says he's lucky he didn't get kicked, sneaking in like that. Lex tries to continue the introduction, but Lana interrupts to say that she's already met Lex. He doesn't remember. Turns out she met him in Metropolis when Lana was ten. Lana went to the Luthors' manor there during a riding competition with her aunt. She found Lex and some floozy skinny dipping. "I think you were teaching her the breaststroke," she says. "That was you?" Lex answers, "You're all grown up now." Lex then sidles over to Lana's trophy case. So she has a trophy case in the stable and a junk drawer full of ribbons and tiaras. Anybody else sick of her yet? Lana says the case is tacky, but makes her aunt happy. Lex points to a picture of Lana where she's wearing her riding gear and looks like a young Tia Carrere. He asks about the necklace she's wearing in the picture. She says it's special. "How come you're not wearing it?" he asks. She lent it to Jocko McRoadkill. Lex casually asks whether her boyfriend is the same "Whitney" Clark Kent saved that very same day. Oh, Lex, you smooth! "Kind of makes you wonder if you're with the right guy," Lex tells Lana. "One chucks footballs, the other saves lives." Lana tells Lex he's got lots of opinions. You have no idea, girly. Lex adds that Lana seems more interesting than that (no, she doesn't!), and that while she's nursing Jocko back to health, she should ask what Jocko did before the big game. Lana says, "He was with me." "Are you sure?" Lex says, and just as the look of confusion and doubt enters her expression, he smiles and says, "Say hi to your aunt for me." That Lex. Good thing he's a good guy, because if he were to ever use his powers of persuasion for evil, there'd be no stopping him!
Casa de Bug Boy. Mom walks in the front door carrying a paper sack of groceries, and reacts to something immediately. We see that the thermostat reads 103 degrees. Oh, come on. They don't go that high, do they? Even the digital ones? Mama Bug calls out to her son and runs upstairs to find the foolish kid who set the thermostat so high. My parents must think I have some of the Bug Boy in me, because when I visit them, they always have the temperature at 69 degrees, which is just too damn frigid, and I always turn it up to at least 78, and then they turn it right back down and at some point, I'm sure we'll all die of body temperature disorder. Mama Bug walks into Bug Boy's room about to yell, but stops herself when she sees what appear to be spiderwebs everywhere. Everything is nasty and musty. She turns around, and Boy Boy is standing there, but now his skin is perfect, and with his hair slicked back, he looks just like Christian Bale in American Psycho. Mom asks what the hell has gotten into him. "About two million years of intelligence and instinct," he replies. So he's the more erudite version of the bug from Men in Black, then. Mom asks him to stop. He responds that it's too late, and that he's going to eat, then molt, then mate. Hey, that's what I had planned to do tonight! Mom tries to leave. Bug Boy -- who is shirtless, by the way -- stops her, then starts talking crap about the Pharoah Spider, which kills its mother. Bug Boy turns around, makes some awful cracking sound with his jaw, and then turns back, eyes all wild. Bug Boy opens his mouth and makes a nasty face and a big gray clot of wet-looking web foam shoots out of his mouth and toward the camera. Mom screams. We go to commercial.
Stately Luthor Manor. Clark is sitting behind a table covered in miniature soldiers. Lex walks in and says, "Save any lives on your way over?" Cheekbones gives us the biggest, most radiant smile I've seen since this show started. Lex made him blush! "You keep it up, and you can make a career out of it," Lex tells him. 'Bones stands up and shakes hands and says he just came to bring the produce over. Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Cheekbones says he's sorry his parents gave Lex a hard time about it. About what? The produce? What scene was this? Lex says he would have arm-wrestled them for it if push came to shove. If what? Who in the where? I want to see that deleted scene! 'Bones moons over Lex's toy soldier set. Lex says his dad (the wonderful John Glover, who I hope we see week) gave him the set when he was nine for strategery purposes. "My father equates business with war," Lex says. Him and Tony Soprano. Lex points out that the Battle of Troy began when two men were in love with the same woman: "Kind of like you and the quarterback." 'Bones plays it off, but Lex says that there's only been one battle and Clark can still win Lana. "The whole town treats him like a God," 'Bones complains. "Game over." Lex points out that if Cheekbones had let Jocko die in the truck, his problems would be solved. They exchange a meaningful look. "I'm kidding, of course," Lex says. Yes. Of course. Lex then makes me giggle like a little girl when he says, "Don't worry. I've got your Trojan Horse." So, so glad he said "horse." Lex whips out the black box containing the necklace, and opens it. Cheekbones looks nauseous. "Clark, you okay?" Lex asks. We hear whooshing sounds until Lex closes the box, after staring at Cheekbones for what seems like hours. "That's, uh, a cool box," 'Bones stammers. "What's it made of?" Lex says it's a lead box his mom bought in a casbah in Morocco. Did she rock the Casbah, too? Lex says it was made from the armor of St. George, the patron saint of the Boy Scouts. Okay, hold on. Boy Scouts, love triangles, Trojan Horses, horse gaits, skinny dipping? Could this show be any more sexual without actually having sex in it? Lex says he was given the box before his mom died. He offers it to Cheekbones. "I can't take that," 'Bones says, and walks away really fast, at least for a human. Lex tells 'Bones to give Lana the necklace and explain what happened. "That necklace gives you the power, Clark," Lex says. How positively wicked. Cheekbones holds the box in his hands, but not before Lex gives him one last smoldering look.
Jocko's locker. Lana sneaks up to him and asks where he was before the last big game. His "cuts and bruises" have been reduced to one tiny red gash on his cheek. "Can we talk about this later?" Jocko asks. Lana catches him in a lie and asks about Clark. "Lana, it was just a prank," he says. She asks for her necklace back. He says he lost it. "Were you planning on telling me? Or was that a prank, too?" she asks, and walks off in a huff. As Lana hits the stairs, we hear insect chittering, and here's Bug Boy, wearing all black. He tells Lana he's been waiting for an hour to go over his English paper. He still had time to write an English paper between feeding on his mother and getting ready to molt? I guess in high school, you really gotta stay on top of your extracurriculars. Lana says that something important came up, and starts to walk away. Bug Boy grabs her arm and asks whether she's blowing him off for her boyfriend. "I need to see Clark," she tells him. Oh great. Get him involved. "Is he more important than me?" Bug Boy says. Insects get very jealous. Especially the ones that go to high school. Lana says she has to go, and leaves Bug Boy at the top of the stairs, looking very much like a larva in the lurch.
Out on the Kent farm, Cheekbones is leaning against the rail fence, holding the black box. He slowly opens the box, and as the Music of Doom plays, his hand becomes old and wrinkled. 'Bones gets scared and closes the box. His hand heals quickly with a "whoosh!" sound effect. I just noticed he's wearing a red checkered tablecloth-looking shirt. Cheekbones looks around, frightened, to see if anybody saw what happened, and then hightails it back to the barn.
In the barn, Cheekbones looks up and sees Lana using his telescope from his spying perch. She must totally see that it was pointed directly at her bedroom window. 'Bones hides the box under a blanket and some hay. "Lana," he says, all smoothly, as if her being here doesn't raise the Little Superman in his pants. Lana explains that his mom said she could wait up there. Smooth, Mama Kent -- very smooth. Lana says 'Bones has an amazing place. 'Bones replies, "My dad built it. He calls it my Fortress of Solitude." Ugh! Yuck! Oh, man, this is the worst-tasting cheese ever! Lana asks about Cheekbones's interest in astronomy, and notes that you can see her house from the barn with the telescope. "No! Really?" 'Bones improvises. He's a terrible liar. Cheekbones says they've lived a mile apart all their lives, and she's never visited. He wants to know why Lana's there. She says she knows about the scarecrow thing and Jocko. She apologizes. "It's not your fault," 'Bones tells her. He assures her that she's not the one who should be apologizing. Lana says she's there to see him. He asks how she found out about the whole saving-Jocko's-life thing. "Lex," she answers. Lex is the best friend a guy could ever have. She says she followed Lex's bread crumbs. "He was just being a good friend," she tells him. Cheekbones smiles, big-time. "Oh, Lex is definitely one of a kind," 'Bones beams. Cheekbones asks what she's going to do. She doesn't know, but also complains that Jocko even lost her favorite necklace. 'Bones eyes the space where he hid the black lead box. Lana explains that the necklace comes from a fragment of the meteor that killed her folks. Nell made her the necklace and gave it to her on the day Nell adopted her. She goes on and on about life change and I've tuned out. Then she leaves. Cheekbones looks after her as if he wants to give Lana the necklace. But, alas, he chickens out.
Bug Boy in the shower. Using what looks like a brillo pad, Bug Boy starts rubbing his skin, and ewwww! Big chunks of unconvincing-looking skin peel away from his face. I flash back to the hallucination from Poltergiest and remember that was much scarier. Chunks of skin hit the floor of the shower as Bug Boy molts and tears at himself. The creepy music plays. Bug Boy smiles.
Full moon. Bo Duke is in the barn, putting huge metal blades on some farm implement. Why is he always handling huge and dangerous-looking blades? Cheekbones offers Bo Duke a hand. "That's the best idea I've heard all night!" Bo cheeses. As he's about to climb down the stairs to help, 'Bones hears a weird chittering sound. He turns, and suddenly, Bug Boy is upon him! He leaps onto Cheekbones in his all-black fly threads (see, I work references in, too!), and is thrown back when 'Bones grabs him and tosses him back. Bo Duke hears the commotion and comes upstairs. "Someone in the rafters," Cheekbones explains. Instead of looking up, Bo Duke just looks to the left, ineffectually. They both grab flashlights from thin air and start pointing them around. Cheekbones's flashlight is huge! Don't go getting envious, now, Bo. Bo moves his smaller flashlight around and comes upon Bug Boy with his buggy eyes and scary buggy pallor. Bug Boy leaps onto Bo and knocks him through the wood railing. Bo falls off the upper level of the barn. "Dad!" Cheekbones yells, and now we're in bullet-time slow motion, just like in my favorite computer game, Max Payne. 'Bones leaps over wood planks, hops to the lower level -- still carrying his gargantuan flashlight -- then zips over to where Bo is still falling. He positions himself under Bo as Dad lands all over him. Couldn't he just catch Bo in his arms? Instead, Bo lands right on top of Cheekbones, ass to 'Bones's front, and they stay that way for at least an eternity. Bo wiggles around, making grimacing faces while Cheekbones still holds the huge flashlight. Bo finally gets up with a mighty grunt and a look of regret. They must have landed on top of the huge blades, because the blades are all bent now, from 'Bones's sturdy, supple back. "What just happened?" Bo asks. Cheekbones flashes his mighty, long flashlight. We go to commercial.
We're still in the barn. Mama Kent has joined us, and she's just there to look at her men unbelievingly, and to ask questions. Bo is explaining that it was as if this Bug Guy.... "Wasn't entirely human?" Cheekbones finishes. He says he thinks it was Greg Arkin. "Well, that's a name I haven't heard in a long time," Mama Kent tells him. She reminds Cheekbones that he and Greg used to play together in grade school. "Why would he want to hurt you?" Bo asks. 'Bones doesn't know. Mama Kent gets one of this week's cheesier lines. She says Bug Boy's mother kept him on a short leash, but Mama Kent "can't believe he'd hurt a fly!" I moan, loudly, profusely. "Kids just don't leap off the ceiling and attack people," Bo Duke says, wisely. Okay, that's the second stupid-ass line just like that in two consecutive weeks! Last week it was "Babies just don't fall out of the sky!" I've got one for you, Bo: "Has-been actors don't just appear on The WB and get their career back!" Cheekbones shines his flashlight up and sees a bunch of slimy green footsteps on the rafter. "I dunno," Bo Duke says. "Seems kinda out there." Mama Kent soundly tells him, "This from the man who's been hiding a spaceship in his storm cellar for the last twelve years." Touché. Bo just stands there lookin' dumb until he finally gives a subtle, almost imperceptible head nod.
Bo and Cheekbones keep looking up at the ceiling, while Mama has left the scene entirely. Bo says he's having trouble "getting his head" around this one. 'Bones asks whether it isn't strange that all this stuff happens in the town of Roswe-- er, I mean, "Smallville." Bo says they have their share of tall tales. Now is the time that 'Bones brings up Chloe (remember her?) and her Wall of Weird, the collection of articles about things that have happened since the meteor shower. Cheekbones gets all sad, and blames himself for all the freak occurrences. Bo Duke says just the right thing: that they could better blame Luthor Corp., because who knows what chemicals their fertilizer plants are pumping out? Um, fertilizer, maybe? "Luthor Corp. didn't kill Lana's parents," 'Bones fires back. Bo gets all logical on his son's ass: "Neither did you. You can't blame yourself for something you had no control over." 'Bones still feels responsible. Bo comes over, tousles his son's hair, and commiserates. He lays a bummer on the boy: no matter how many powers 'Bones may have, he'll never be able to change the fact that Lana's parents are now on the menu at the International House of Pancakes in Heaven. The good thing is that since Cheekbones feels remorse, that means he's human. Sorta.
High-school time. In the hallway, Cheekbones finds Chloe and asks her whether Bug Boy is still science reporter for The Torch, which sounds like the campus newspaper. Their high school has a science reporter? I work for a big metro newspaper and we barely have a science reporter. Chloe says, in her obnoxious way, that Bug Boy hasn't been to the newspaper in over a week. So they...what, fire him? From his non-paying job? "What's your interest in Greg?" Chloe asks. "Coming out of the entomology closet?" I swear I did not make that line up. "I'll catch up with you later," Cheekbones says, and starts walking off. "I hate it when you do that," Chloe says suddenly, interrupting his stride. He asks what. Chloe replies, "You shut me out. It's like one minute you're here and then the , you're gone. You're not outgrowing me as a friend, are you?" Cheekbones says he could never outgrow Chloe except vertically. Aw. What a sweetie. Chloe admits that he's got the Kent Charm working. What, did she date his dad at some point? She smiles at 'Bones like she's got a love message written on her teeth. Then she asks him what he wanted to know about Bug Boy.
Chloe's Wall of Weird. I hate, hate, hate this part of the show. Where, all of a sudden, they're super crime-fighting puzzle solvers. These are people who can't even figure out how to get to the bus on time in the morning. Chloe babbles on about Amazonian rain forests and people who take on the traits of insects. Gee, thanks, Mulder. Cheekbones, meanwhile, has used his super computer skills to figure out that Bug Boy didn't live in Smallville until after the meteor blast. Chloe postulates that, with all the meteor fragments all over town, there could have been bugs exposed that bit Greg and turned him into Bug Boy. I'm starting to suspect that Chloe herself is writing these episode scripts. Chloe has also figured out that it needs to be a swarm of insects attacking to cause the mutation. Chloe also hopes that if Bug Boy "has gone all Kafka," he's not in the mating phase. Nice.
At the Smallville House of Buggin', Pete (with a camera around his neck, Jimmy Olsen-style), Chloe, and Cheekbones are looking into the home and seeing that it's a mess, which Pete notices is strange because Mama Bug is a neat freak. Exposition Street: After seventh grade, Bug Boy's parents got divorced, and Bug Boy stopped calling 'Bones to come out and play with him. Ah, so supervillainy starts with divorce. We also learn that Cheekbones was afraid of Bug Boy's tree house. "I didn't think it was structurally sound," he whines. Chloe opens up a window, breaking-and-entering style, and they all enter the steamy house.
Inside, Pete and Cheekbones find skin in the bathtub (hate it when that happens), and make the mental connection about the molting. Are these people ever unsure about their crackpot theories? Chloe has found something else in Bug Boy's bedroom: the videotapes of Lana. "I think Greg's found his mate," Chloe says. Chloe, I wish you were dumb so I could hate you even more. to a big Papa Roach poster (ha ha, we get it), Cheekbones senses something. He's not Spider-Man, so I'm not sure how it's possible for his Spider-Sense to be tingling, but we'll forgive him. He pulls apart a piece of web and OH GOD! The drained corpse of Mama Bug falls down. Do superheroes have super bladder control? Because if not, I think Cheekbones needs a new pair of tights. Or pants. Whatever. After finding the body, 'Bones takes off in a hurry.
At the horse stables, Lana is feeding her horses. Okay, totally inappropriate joke time, but since this show if full of homosexual subtext, it's not completely out of place. What does a gay horse eat? Answer: Haaaa-aaaaay! Sorry. We now return to your regularly scheduled Roswell-ripoff recap. Jocko sneaks up behind Lana and surprises her. He tells her that when he saw Lana with Clark that one night, he freaked out. "What did you think we were doing?" she asks. He apologizes for being a big lunkhead, and it's excruciating, but at least it got interrupted by Bug Boy, who tells Jocko, "She's mine, now." Jocko moves toward Bug Boy with a "get away from her," but it's tossed aside like so much logic in the Smallville universe. Lana looks scared. "It's time," Bug Boy tells her. "Time for what?" she asks. "For us," he said. The sound of insects chittering rises to a chorus as we head to commercial.
Speaking of insects, don't eat Slim Jims.
Cheekbones finally arrives at the stable, only an eternity too late. He calls out Lana's name, but the only answer he gets is from Jocko, who tells him that Bug Boy's got her. Jocko explains everything to 'Bones -- even the part where he got tossed like a little girly doll. Jocko says that Bug Boy headed off toward the woods. Cheekbones says he knows where Bug Boy was going. Jocko offers to drive. Wait a minute. Two hunky cornfed country boys. One blond. One dark-haired. An offer to rescue a girl by hopping into a car together. Hey, they're trying to pass off The Dukes of Hazzard on us! They head out to Jocko's SUV (how did he get a new car so fast? This town must have the richest car dealership in the world), and Cheekbones tells him how to get to Bug Boy's tree fort. Jocko starts to apologize for the whole gay-bashing/ hazing/ hate crime/ prank thing, but Cheekbones is already gone. Maybe he caught it with his super hearing.
Super-fast running. Cheekbones is a blur. Then he stops. Then he's a blur again. Man, he's fast! He comically pops his head at the top of the tree house. He sees Lana lying down, covered in webs. Just as he's about to help, a crouching Bug Boy warns him to "get away from her." 'Bones says he knows what happened to Bug Boy. "Then you know that I've been freed," he says. 'Bones says that, no, he's just a slave to his instincts. Bug Boy then tells us how great it is to be a bug: you get to eat what you want, when you want, and take what you want. So this whole bug episode is a parable for going to college? I think I'd rather be watching Undeclared. 'Bones suggests that Bug Boy won't be taking Lana anywhere, especially not to the Bug Casbah for any kind of rocking purposes. "You're not the only one who's changed," 'Bones says. Then they fight.
Bug Boy leaps on Cheekbones just like every other male character on the show wants to do, and they fall out of the treehouse, crashing to the ground. Bug Boy chitters and hops over a tall fence toward Creekside Foundry. 'Bones follows. Inside it looks like the set of that warehouse where Robocop was originally killed. As soon as he walks in, 'Bones looks nauseous, and we soon see why: there are kryptonite rocks everywhere. 'Bones starts to breathe heavily and stumble around. Bug Boy sneaks up behind and whales one on his back with a huge metal pipe. 'Bones goes flying in a most lame, unrealistic way. Cheekbones starts to notice his hand aging like it did before with the kryptonite. Bug Boy notes with delicious pleasure that, just like when they were kids, 'Bones always gets sick around this place. Then Bug Boy says that the Buffalo Ant can lift thirty times its body weight. Oh, I get it. He's Jonathan Lipnicki all grown up. Bug Boy lifts up Cheekbones and tosses him across the warehouse. Then he jumps around for no reason except to show how bug-like he is. This is where, instead of the orchestral music, they should have used House of Pain's "Jump Around." Just then, 'Bones notices a metal enclosure. His hand starts to heal. "It's lined with lead," he tells himself. No, it's lined with Deus Ex Machina. Bug Boy continues to spew villainisms like, "You can't fight natural law!" and "Only the strong survive!" Are we going to have to listen to this shit every week? 'Bones finally comes face to face with Bug Boy, and starts thrashing him around, breaking walls and such, now that his powers are back. He finally flings Bug Boy clear across the warehouse, just to even the score. Bug Boy pulls a chain to get himself up (what, he can't just leap upright?) and on his way up, pulls a lever. "Greg, watch out!" Cheekbones yells, but it's too late. A big yellow metal thing comes crashing down, squashing our beloved Bug Boy. Hundreds of bugs crawl out from under the machinery and skitter past 'Bones. They have a phrase for endings like this in the world of drama and theatre: "Lame-ass."
At the Treehouse of Horrors, Jocko has found Lana and undoes her webbing, so to speak. He pulls apart the cheap Halloween crap, and she wakes up, just like that one beauty who slept in that one fairy tale. "It's okay, you're safe," he tells her, before pulling her up and half-carrying her down the treehouse and to his waiting SUV. It's no white horse, but it'll have to do. Just as they're walking to the car, arm-in-arm, 'Bones arrives (again, too late). He looks at them, pained. What, you can't smile now that the girl you love is alive and walking? You super bastard.
At the Fortress of (giggle) Solitude, Ultimate Crappy Alt-Rock Music is playing as Cheekbones takes the lead box from under the blanket and makes a decision. He goes to Lana's front door. Looks around. Pulls out the necklace as his hand starts to wither. "Whitney?" Lana calls from inside the house. 'Bones is gone in a flash. Lana steps outside, looks around, sees nothing. When she turns, there's her necklace hanging from the doorknob. She smiles and tilts her head, like, "Oh, silly necklace!" Outside, the super-stalker is watching. He walks down the dusty road toward home. The camera pans up to the sky and the stars. If only this music weren't so...ass. I have to say, it was nice of 'Bones not to give up that pretty lead box. Now he has a reason to go visit Lex again. Just sayin'.
We skipped an episode, so week's will either be the lost "Lex is a bad bad baddie" episode, or the one about the dad from Wonder Years as Smallville's football coach and resident psycho. We'll just have to wait and see.