The hype. The promos. Movie theater trailers. The five-minute preview that ran right before the show itself. It must have worked, because a damn lot of y'all watched Smallville.
The Primetime Television Event opens, naturally, in space. In space, nobody can hear you hype. There's the sound of electronic-like chittering as if it was the opening of a Yes album. A cluster of nicely computer-animated asteroids are twirling toward Earth. My years of study in front of the Wing Commander computer games make my thumb twitch absently. Amid the asteroids is one yellowish-green pod with its own little propulsion system. Awww, look at the l'il propulsion system! Maybe there's a baby inside! The pod sails past the moon, managing not to get smacked around by asteroids. I think this baby has played some Atari back on Krypton.
Suddenly, a blue sky. A circle of light. And a helicopter passing overhead. The orchestral music that should by all rightful means be the opening theme to Enterprise comes up as we see the helicopter fly over a large corn field. "October 1989," the titles read. Wanna hear something sad? In 1989, Milli Vanilli were on the charts. Though you'd never know it from this show's soundtrack. We pan to a sign that says "Welcome to Smallville Kansas. Pop. 25,001. Creamed Corn Capital of the World." David Lynch just had an orgasm somewhere. We see the front page of a newspaper in the helicopter. On the front page, there's something about a CEO presumed missing and dead, but we don't see much more than that. The newspaper is pulled back to reveal a goateed, hairy John Glover, my absolute favorite actor who played Satan besides Al Pacino. "This has got to stop," he says in his snarky Broadway voice. "Open your eyes, Lex!" Lex is revealed to be a round boy with fluffy fake red hair. His eyes are squinched shut. "I can't!" he says, pathetically. Dad tells Lex that Luthors are not afraid. "We don't have that luxury," he says. "We're leaders," Magnate Luthor says, before putting an arm around Lex, leaning in, and saying, "You have a destiny, Lex." In Kansas? On a chopper? "You're never gonna get anywhere with your eyes closed," Magnate Lex concludes. I won't normally be transcribing all the dialogue of this show, but it's John Glover and I'm just giving the man his due. Redheaded Step-Lex still has his eyes closed. He's not buying this "destiny" business. Aerial shot of a small town in the heartland and a water tower. Did anyone live in a place like this in 1989?
Inside a flower shop, a cute-as-a-button girl is in a fairy outfit, waving a wand. "Abracadabra," she says. But there's no poof, and the show is still on the WB. "Afternoon, Nell!" we hear a big, plastic, booming voice say, as an attractive young couple walks into the shop. Good God, it's John Schneider from The Dukes of Hazzard! How did he not age all this time? Tom Wopat looks like a mummy, and John looks like he just stepped out of a spa for teens. Annette O'Toole is here, too, but since her role will probably consist of giving Clark Kent hugs when he needs them, I don't see why they needed to hire an actress with talent. Speaking of which, we come to Nell, a vampy, trampy flower-shop lady who in two seconds telegraphs that she's got a thing for Bo Duke. She's wearing a crazy animal-print blouse the likes of which are supposed to be illegal in Kansas. Then she looks at Bo's wife. "Martha," she says, as if talking about particularly stinky poo, "what a surprise." Martha asks for some red tulips. Because this is a flower shop. Nasty Nell asks whether the reclusive Kents wouldn't rather have something more exotic, like tiger orchids. You're talking to Bo Duke. He doesn't know a tiger orchid from a carburetor. In the background, Bruce Hornsby's "That's Just the Way It Is" is playing. I think I'd rather hear the Milli Vanilli. Bo comes up and booms, "No, thanks! Martha has her heart set on tulips." With his brown jacket and matching hair, he looks like Nate from Six Feet Under. Nell makes a crack at Martha's expense about the tulip being an uncomplicated flower. Nell. You live in a small town in Kansas. Who made you Dorothy Parker? Completely not getting the jibe (huh, maybe she is simple), Martha goes over to the little girl and remarks on her pretty dress. "Are you a princess, Lana?" she asks. "I'm a fairy princess," Lana corrects, with eyes like big, round ratings. Bo Duke asks where Lana's parents are. Nasty Nell says they're at the homecoming game with everyone else. How did Bo Duke not know about the homecoming game? Y'all -- I think he's a little swishy. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Nasty Nell says she's being "The Good Aunt." Lana asks Martha whether she'd like to make a wish. Martha says, "I would love to make a wish." Lana passes her wand over Martha's plain red head and says the magic word. Martha smiles powerfully as if it will rid the world of anthrax.
Outside, Martha and Bo Duke get into a truck that I swear is the same orange color as the General Lee. In the car, Bo tells her, "I know what you wished for." Leaning her head painfully against the doorjamb, Martha says, "I see a little face." Thumbelina "little" or Verne Troyer "little"? Martha says it's all she ever wanted. Bo leans over and gives her the most puckery stage kiss I've ever seen. But he's interrupted by passing people celebrating the football game. Boy, I'll bet Bo was relieved at that. A convertible passes by containing a bunch of cheerleaders. Bo grins, happy to be away from those gross girl lips. "Hey, looks like Smallville won again!" he butches. How would he know that they won last time? He didn't even know there was a homecoming game. Martha gives him a patronizing rub on the shoulder, and they drive off.
A shot of the city square. A sign hangs reading, "Let's go Crows!" Every car in town looks like it's fifty years old, even though it's only 1989. What, they didn't have any Honda Civics in Kansas in 1989?
In space, all the asteroids and the space pod have caught fire as they hurtle to Earth. It's just like the scene with Bo Duke in the truck: Everything is flaming.
In a corn field, on a post, a black crow sits to a corn field. I laugh because it caws and my Closed Captioning reads "[Caws]." Heh. That's funny. The crow flies somewhere after a sod of dirt is thrown at it by Young Red-Haired Lex. Lex turns as he's called by Magnate Luthor. Big Daddy Luthor looks like he's signing some sort of shady deal with some shady construction workers in broad daylight. It's hard work being that shady in the middle of the day. Redheaded Step-Lex walks down a row of corn. In his little suit, he looks creepy, like one of the Children of the Corn. He's Malachai Luthor. We hear a male voice: "Help me." Lex turns, all, "Huh?" "Help me, please," the voice says again. Lex turns amid the corn and sees only a skinny scarecrow. He turns and runs as scary music plays. Run, run, run, Lex! He trips over a rock just as he's about to use his asthma inhaler, and it falls away from him. He picks himself up, panting, and collects the inhaler from the dark soil. He backs himself up to a wooden post, not looking up at all, which is so unnatural for a kid, but so what. We'll forgive the writers since the show just started. "Kid," a voice says, the same one that we heard before. Lex looks up and as the Orchestral Music of Crucifixion plays, we pan up to a poor skinny guy in his boxer shorts, tied up on a cross with an "S" spray-painted on his chest. "Help me," he says. He's skinny and gaunt and looks like the guy from the Aaron Burr "Got Milk?" commercial. "Help me, please." Lex looks up in horror and, just then, a flaming meteorite passes through the sky above Scarecrow Boy's head. It trails a black plume of smoke.
, we're seeing an asteroid view of the cornfield. A meteorite plows into the field, making a flat fireball and shaking everything up. Lex gets to his feet, mouth wide. The wind has picked up. A large black cloud barrels through the corn, toward Lex. He runs the other way. Scarecrow Boy is left behind, and is soon smacked up by the black cloud. Lex runs toward the camera and makes a silver screen leap toward us, yelling, "Ahhh!" as the cloud overtakes him.
Main street of Smallville. Gawkers are having a holiday as they look up into the sky and see crazy black trails of destruction heading toward their town. It's not as uncomfortable-seeming as you'd think, and actually is like a less violent and better-animated version of Armageddon in the sticks. According to my Closed Captioning, some person standing around says, "I think it was an airplane." Shudder.
Ominous tuba music plays. Nasty Nell walks out of the flower shop carrying the fairy princess. "What on God's earth?" she asks. Just then, Lana's parents get out of their ancient car and call out to Lana. They're a young, attractive couple. They're also about to be jellied toast. Dad looks up at the sky. We see a comet's view of the meteorite hurtling to earth. We see both parents looking up in front of the car. The meteorite slams right into them, and it's so hokey, fake, implausible, and bad that you want to laugh, but it's also terrible when we see the fireball and people running away from it.
More meteorites. The water tower explodes. A building is cut through like warm butter. Trucks are blown to bits. The WB logo sits in the lower right-hand corner, refusing to be destroyed. People run and scream. Lana cries, her mouth wide and devastated.
In the Bo Truck, the Kents have just figured out that something's a little wrong. A fireball smashes into the road right behind them and to the left. Another one smashes right through the "Smallville = Creamed Corn Heaven" sign. The truck keeps driving, and I have nausea flashbacks to Twister. Martha and Bo Duke both look through the truck's rear window. Martha yells, "What's happening, Jonathan?" in a huge, choking voice, while in front of them, more fireballs slam into the road ahead. Their truck enters the black smoke and disappears. We hear a metal crash.
Evil Entrepreneurs of the Corn. Daddy Luthor is searching through the corn field for his son, Lex. He calls out his name. What he finds is that the corn field has improbably been laid flat. We pan away, up high to see it all. All the green is crisscrossed, and it looks like the Windows desktop wallpaper I used to use. Daddy Luthor bends down and finds a tiny patch of fake red wig hair. He holds it in his hand, not quite lovingly. He hears something. "Lex? Lex?" he calls. Underneath all that corn -- creamed, as it were -- is Lex. He's beaten up, dirty, and to Daddy Luthor's horror, spear bald. L'il Lex is on his side, whimpering, shaking. I like him already.
Upside down General Lee truck. Bo and Martha are hanging, heads against the top. Red tulips line the roof of the truck. Coming toward them, on the smoking ground, is a set of skinny kid feet. "Martha?" Bo asks, because he's never seen young imaginary boys while awake. The child bends down, skillfully hiding his naughty bits. He's got big bushy hair and an adorable face. He looks into the truck, a serious look on his face. Bo and Martha exchange a look. The kid smiles at them. It's a super smile. Aw, man, I wanted Super Infant to pick up the truck like in the movie. Oh well.
shot is Bo and Martha walking through the flaming carnage, carrying the young boy in their arms, wrapped in a blanket. Is there a rule that every truck owner has to have a blanket handy? "Kids just don't fall out of the sky, Martha," Bo says. They do if they live on the second floor like Luka. Martha and Bo try to figure out where the boy came from. Bo throws a stick for no good reason at all and continues to talk in his strange corn-fed booming farmer voice. I hate it. I hate it bad. It is then that Martha and Bo find the boy's pod, a black mess buried into the ground. Martha surmises that it's not from Kansas. Well, yeah. They don't even have Hondas here. Bo wonders what they'll tell people about their new "son." Martha says, "We didn't find him. He found us." I wish the channel changer would find me. Triumphant music. The couple looks up to the sky for a needless crane shot. I get the feeling we're going to see a lot of these from-the-sky camera angles.
We come back from commercial to a simple farm. Titles read, "Today." Suddenly, we're looking at the internet, so we've leapt ahead, what, fifty years? It's Clark Kent! All tall and salmon-lipped. He's looking up stories about extraordinary kids, like the teen who is the fastest person in the world, or the five-year-old Korean kid who lifted the car to save his dad's life. Well, the educational system is better in some countries. Their kids lift cars at least three years before ours do. Martha calls out and tells Clark he'll be late for his bus. He opens the fridge, which is full of Mountain Dew and Pepsi. Ew. But Clark is smarter than the product placement: He grabs a glass jar of milk and drinks it right from the container. Martha disapproves. Clark says it tastes better out of the bottle. Clark says he learned his manners on a farm, which is funny. Bo Duke walks in and says, "Well, hello, Sleepyhead!" and he invests "Sleepyhead" with so much conviction, you wonder if he didn't spend a week refining just how to say that line. Then he picks up the jug and drinks milk straight from the bottle. Hereditary mystery solved. Clark sits at the kitchen table, eyeing a piece of paper. He tells Bo that he's got a permission slip. To be on the football team. Clark reasons that his dad played football in high school. Yeah, he's such a raving fan so many years later. Bo says, "That was different. You know why." Clark says he'll run at half speed. (Only 3,000 mph.) Bo's not convinced. He says that a lot can happen in the heat of the game. And in the heat of the showers. Clark says he probably won't play much, and is excited about warming a bench. Bo is an understanding yet firm father. He says no. "I'm sick of hanging in there," Clark says, turning into Supermope before our eyes. "All I want to do is go through high school without being a total loser." Oh, poor you, Clark. You're over six feet tall, your dad is Bo Duke, and you have lips like Johnny Greenwood from Radiohead. Me and my 5'8" body would like you to bite us. Oh, and bite us for the Honey Comb cereal box being placed in plain view on the kitchen table.
Outside, Supermope carries his backpack, which has a skateboard attached to it. Oh, he can't play football, but he can go do twenty-foot vertical Japan airs on a half-pipe? Walking past cows and a red mailbox that reads, densely, "Kent Farm," Clark sees that he's missing the school bus, which is already down the dusty road. Supermope stands in the bus dust. On the bus, two young people -- a blonde girl and a black guy -- exchange money. No, not for that. They made a bet on whether Supermope would miss the bus. Supermope's supposed "best friend" won. He complains that if Clark were any slower, he'd be extinct. Supermope looks sad, but then the camera zooms in and he gets a glint of mischief in his eye. Or maybe that's just mascara. He suddenly zooms out of frame, running at fast speed. How is this a surprise at all to him? Shouldn't he get to school like that every day? Isn't part of being superhuman saving the bus driver all those needless trips and wasted gas going out of his way to the Kent Farm? Does Superman drive an SUV later in life? The bus rolls by, and we zoom by a new town sign that says, "Smallville Kansas Pop. 45,001, Meteor Capital of the World!" Y'all, that's just wrong. People died in that meteor attack. I lived in Oklahoma City, and after 1995, we didn't call it "Federal Building Bombing Capital of the World!" Bad, bad Smallville writers. I slap you. We see an invisible shape run through the corn, causing it to part like the green corn sea. The bus stops again, and Betting Blonde Girl asks, "Did you hear that?" She thought she heard something on the top of the roof of the bus. I don't really get that part because the thing we see is Supermope as a blur, still running through corn. Maybe that girl's just whack. We pass another sign (this town is full of expository signs) for Luthor Corp. homes starting at $245,000. In Kansas.
We see a shot of the Smallville high school, which looks like every high-school building you've seen in everything from Clueless to The Faculty. I think I may have gone to school there. A red sign reads, "Fly to Victory!" Would you like some crackers with that cheese? Pete and Chloe, the backstabbing "friends" of Clark from the bus, start talking about the upcoming dance. Backstabba Pete asks Backstabba Chloe whether she'd like to go to the dance with him if things with "you-know-who" don't pan out. She says, verbatim, "Pete, do you want to take a commercial break from the soap opera in your head?" Fifteen minutes, folks. That's how long it took for a Kevin Williamsonism to poke its head into the writing. Chloe says she's told Pete a hundred times that she's not interested in Clark. Yet she doth protest too much. Pete asks if she'd like to go to the dance with him as a friend-friend thing, not as a date-date. What is it about the WB and interracial dating? Pete can't ask a girl on a proper date? I guess this isn't Save the Last Dance. Clark comes up behind them ("He's standing right behind you!"), and Chloe's smart little mouth fumbles with a "You -- hey -- what?" Clark explains that he took a shortcut. "Through what, a black hole?" she asks. No, through your pop culture-y dialogue. Pete takes Clark aside, and tells him that Chloe's Weirdar is buzzing. Chloe sets up her character by declaring herself the watchdog of weird stuff in Smallville, which she refers to as "This leafy little hamlet." I haven't seen a single leaf on this show yet. Just corn. Pete makes an awful reference to Scooby & the Gang and the Mystery Machine. This line was funny when the show started, in 1989. Pete whips out his football permission slip, clearly giddy. Pete looks like he's about three feet tall. What is he gonna be, the little plastic thing that holds the football for a kick? Clark tells Pete he's having second thoughts about joining the team. Chloe steps up with her snarky self to ask if this is some sort of teen-suicide pact. Pete reveals that he and Clark are trying to avoid being "this year's scarecrow." Every year, he says, football players take a freshman, strip him down to his boxers, and string him up in a field of corn. What if he's not wearing boxers? Would that exempt him? Pete says he figures if they join the team, they won't get Scarecrowed.
Music of Young Beauty. Clark spots Lana Lang, a comely young lass who is so pretty, she almost falls over the edge into ugly. Clark's eyes get that faraway look (it's even more faraway when you're from Krypton) and he tells Sneaky Pete and Chloe that he'll see them in class. Chloe and Pete bet on how many seconds it'll be before Clark makes a super ass of himself. This may be the first high school in dire need of a Gamblers Anonymous chapter. Clark starts walking toward Lana and as Pete counts, Clark falls flat on his front. Chloe, the little snipe, points out that Clark can't get within five feet of Lana without turning into "a total freak show."
Clark looks up at the lovely/ugly that is Lana, and we see that she's wearing a necklace with a glowy green gemstone. She picks up one of the books he dropped. "Nietzsche. Didn't realize you had a dark side, Clark," Lana says, in her honey voice. "Doesn't everybody?" Clark says. "So what are you, man or superman?" she asks him. Remember those crackers I offered for the cheese? I think we're going to need bigger crackers. "I haven't figured it out yet," Clark says. Just then, Lana's big, dumb, jock boyfriend walks up and plants a kiss on her. (We have no way of knowing if he's dumb or a jock, but he's wearing a letter jacket and kissing the girl our protagonist likes. Wanna place a bet on this assumption?) "Hey, Clark," he says absently. Jocko McLetterman asks Lana to check over his English paper because he's not too sure about the ending. Clark bends over like he's gonna throw up, but not from the kryptonite. "Dude," Jocko says, "Are you feeling all right?" Clark says he's fine. Jocko and Lana walk off, but not before Jocko throws Clark a book, causing Clark to spill all his stuff everywhere. Poor Clark. So hunky. So geeky.
Inside the school, some Creepy Guy -- who looks just like the Scarecrow Boy from the opening -- is standing in front of a trophy case. He broods. Then he slams his fist through the glass. He pulls out a framed photo of three football players. "It's payback time," he hisses. Good, because you owe us money for that cliché. The person we now know is Scarecrow Boy walks down the hall and gives a sideways sneaky look before walking on.
A sleek gray Porsche drives down the street past a slab of sign rock that reads, "Luthor Corp. Fertilizer Plant No. 3." The Closed Captioning says the lyrics of U2's "Beautiful Day" are supposed to be playing, but instead we've got broody orchestral music. Oops. A very smart-looking young bald dude gets out of the Porsche, looks around, and says to no one in particular, "Thanks, Dad." We pan down to the car to reveal a license plate that says "LEX" under the name of the city the license was registered: Metropolis.
Football field. Players are playing. Cheerleaders are cheering, led by the slinky Lana. She smiles a lot, but she's no Kirsten Dunst. We see Clark up in the stands, writing in a notebook, brooding. He wants it so bad. Suddenly, we're in Lame Dreamland. Clark is the quarterback. The crowd's going wild. Seven seconds left in the game. A bunch of tacklers run his way. Supermope pushes all four of them off and they go flying like he's Crouching Clark, Hidden Jockstrap. Supermope runs, avoids tackles, leaps over defenders like the Iron Monkey, and finishes in the end zone. Sadly, no SuperEndZoneDance. He does spike the ball, causing it to explode. Lana runs up and says, "I knew you could do it, Clark." They move in to kiss...
...and are interrupted by Sneaky Pete, who asks Clark, "How do I look?" He's wearing a uniform that hangs on him like a pile of even smaller football players. "Like a tackle dummy," Clark tells him. "Good luck." Clark walks off, and Pete looks mad.
Porsche drivin' in the USA. Some crap alt-rock plays as Lex speeds down the road. For no good reason, Supermope is standing on a bridge, pondering his awful life. A big rig is also passing by, and from its rear, a big length of coiled wire falls into the road. Lex drives. Wire rolls. Lex gets a call on his cell phone. He fumbles with his coat pocket, trying to answer the phone, and it is then that he notices the wire in the road. He swerves, runs over the wire, moves the car, and there's Clark in the windshield. The car busts through the bridge rail, hitting Clark and taking him, with the Porsche, into the water. It really is a spectacular shot, I've gotta say.
In the water, Lex is unconscious. His flip cell phone floats lazily to him. Clark opens up the roof of the Porsche like a tin of sardines. thing, we're on the shore already with Clark giving Lex mouth-to-mouth. Did he even check for breathing first? Okay, slash fiction writers, get to work. "Don't die on me!" Clark grunts, as he does chest compressions on Lex. Uh, Clark? You're no Ed Harris. Lex turns over, spits out a chest full of water, and coughs. He opens his eyes and sees a wet, brooding Clark Kent. Well, hello rescue squad! "I coulda sworn I hit you," Lex says. "You did. Hit me," Clark tells him. They both are surprised. Clark looks up at the bridge and sees the twisted wreckage of the guard rail. He's pretty super, huh?
Back at the bridge scene. Bo runs up to Clark to see if he's okay. Clark is wrapped in a red blanket. Okay then. "Who's the maniac who was driving that car?" Bo booms. "Lex Luthor," Lex says, trying to shake Bo's hand like it's a cocktail party. Bo doesn't take Lex's hand. Instead, he takes off his rugged coat and ruggedly puts it over Clark. Lex says that Clark saved his life. "I'm sure you would have done the same thing," Supermope says. Lex asks Bo if there's any way he can repay him. "Drive slower," Bo says, and takes his son home. As they walk off, the blanket pokes out from the jacket to look like a red cape. Great. Fine. We get it. Lex looks back and sees his ruined Porsche being pulled from the water by a crane. He's in luuuuurve.
Superfamily home. Crappy acoustic alt music plays as Clark stands up in a dark room and looks through a telescope. He looks at the moon for a second, but then he turns his attention to the Lang house, where Lana is emerging from the front door. Wes Bentley, much? He spies with his super eye as she sits on the porch. Her jock boyfriend shows up and wants to get it on. She resists, saying that if her Aunt Nell (Nasty Nell. Remember her?) finds out, his life won't be worth living. It's revealed in this exchange that Nell has a thing with Daddy Luthor (maybe he's her Sugar Daddy Luthor), to whom she's sold property, and that Daddy Luthor owns the Metropolis Sharks, a football team for which Jocko wants to play. Lana brings up, out of nowhere, that Clark saved Lex's life. "Sometimes people can surprise you. I think it's kind of cool," Lana says. Jocko says he's got a scout from Kansas State coming to see him play. Lana gives him her kryptonite necklace for luck in the game. Jocko says he can't take it and asks if it really came from...yeah, it came from the meteor that flattened her parents like a Smallville Flapjack. "So much bad luck came out of it," Lana says. "There can only be good luck left." They kiss. Superstalker looks disappointed.
Loud Limp Bizkity music. An auto-repair shop. A tough-looking guy is working on a car in the middle of the night. He pushes down a hood and is scared to see a puny guy standing there. It's Scarecrow Boy. "Jeez, kid," the mechanic says. Scarecrow Boy just stands there. "Don't I know you?" the mechanic asks. "You look like that Scarecrow Kid. Where you been?" He walks up to Scarecrow Boy and touches him, only to be shocked by a huge bolt of electricity. He tumbles over some tools. "That was twelve years ago, man. It was just a game," he tries to explain. Scarecrow Boy says he wants to play. He lifts up the mechanic, slams him in a wall, and fries him but good. We pan over to a picture of the three football jocks: it's identical to the one from the trophy case.
Clark on the farm. Supermope is walking along and spots a brand-new red truck with a big bow on it. "Hey, mom, whose truck?" he asks. "Yours," she says. It is exactly that kind of sparkling dialogue that makes me glad they got someone of Annette O'Toole's caliber to play Mama Kent. ["I assume they cast her partly because she played Lana Lang in Superman III." -- Wing Chun] She tells Clark it's a gift from Lex Luthor. The card, a lovely little one, says Lex is forever in Clark's debt. It's signed "Maniac in the Porsche." Clark can't believe it. Then he finds out Dad's got the keys.
Bo is out back with the wood chipper and a pair of goggles. He sees Clark and lays in immediately. "I know how much you want it, son. But you can't keep it." Superrationalizer says he saved the guy's life. "So you think you deserve a prize?" Bo asks. He's got a point. Clark offers to take the old truck and give the new one to Mom and Dad. Bo tells Clark that Daddy Luthor has overtaken area farms and gone back on his word. "You're judging Lex on what his father did?" Clark asks. Bo says he just wants Clark to know where the money for the truck came from. Clark looks queasy at that thought. It's not easy being ethical and super at the same time. Bo tells Clark it's normal to be upset. "'Normal'?" Clark yells. "Is this normal?" He sticks his hand in the wood chipper. Bo runs to Clark, but it's okay. Clark's hand is fine and intact. But isn't the wood chipper ruined now? Clark tells Bo that he was hit at 60 mph by Lex's car. "I'd give anything to be normal!" Clark mopes, and runs upstairs. Bo and Martha exchange a significant look. The sad music of parental angst plays.
Upstairs, Bo finds Clark angsting away. "It's time, son," Bo booms at poor Clark. "Time for what?" "Time for the truth." He gives Clark a card of some sort with symbols on it. It's wrapped in a cloth. Bo says it's from Clark's parents. His real parents. Bo tells Clark that he's tried to decipher the letters on the card, but it's not in any language known to man. "Your real parents weren't exactly from around here," Bo says. "Where were they from?" Clark asks. Bo looks at the telescope meaningfully. "I supposed you stashed my spaceship in the attic," Clark says. "Actually it's in the storm cellar." And so it is. They go to the storm cellar, and the cleaned-up pod is there. Clark freaks out. "This is a joke, right?" Then he gets mad. "You should have told me!" he seethes. Then he runs off really, really fast as Bo calls after him.
Creepy Buffy-reject graveyard. Lana shows up with, of all things, a brown horse and some flowers. "Who's there?" she asks. "It's me. Clark." "Clark Kent?" she asks. No, Clark the candy bar. He offers to go, but she tells him to wait. They both admit that it's strange to be in a graveyard. But at least Lana's got family there. "What's your story?" Clark asks roughly. "Can you keep a secret?" Lana asks. How is it a secret that her parents got meteorited? Lana tells Clark that she came to talk to her parents. She tells Clark about her parents dying when she was three, and introduces Clark to the dead folks. "Yeah, he is kinda shy," she tells her parents. Wow. Whack Girl. Her ghost mom, she says, wants to know if Clark is upset about a girl. Her dad wants to know if he's upset about a guy. Where my slash fiction writers at? Heeeeey! Hooooo! She credits her dad with having a twisted sense of humor. "Seriously, Clark. Why are you out here?" Lana finally says. Clark broods and moans and whines, but because of his superpowers, it's much more powerfully annoying that when a regular teen does it. Lana tells Clark about a dream of living in Metropolis with her folks. Clark notices the dates of the parents' deaths on the gravestone. Then he fake-speaks with the parents, revealing that Lana is never alone and that her dad thinks she's a shoo-in for homecoming queen. Two creepy people. They're perfect for each other.
In front of Lana's house, Clark and Lana say their goodnights. Lana tells him that it's the longest conversation they've ever had. And they live door to each other? Didn't they have to borrow some manure or grain at some point in their lives? Clark asks if she's gong to the dance. Of course, she's going with Jocko. Clark says he plans to sit it out. In the sky, upside down. Lana tells Clark that if he changes his mind, she might save him a dance. She kisses him on the cheek and he superblushes. As Supermope walks off, we notice that Jocko has been standing on the porch watching the whole time.
Creepy Luthor Manor. Clark is walking down a dank corridor, calling out for someone. He ends up in a room where Lex and a woman are fencing. Frustrated by a defeat, Lex throws his pointy stick across the room where it lodges into the wall to Clark. "I didn't see you there," Lex says, taking off his mask. "How did you get through the gate?" Lex asks. Clark says he squeezed through the bars. Lex shows off some real charm here, talking about the Luthor ancestral home, which was shipped from Scotland stone by stone. "My father had no intention of living here," Lex says. He only shipped it because he could. Lex asks about the truck. Clark tells him he can't keep it. "Clark. You saved my life. I think it's the least I can do," Lex says. Then he asks if Clark's dad doesn't like him. Oh, Lex, I'm sure Bo will accept your relationship with Clark someday. He's slashy, too, remember? Patience. Lex pats his bald head. "I'm used to people judging me before they get to know me." Lex asks weird probing questions, like if Clark fell far from the tree of his dad. "Do you believe a man can fly?" Lex asks out of nowhere. "On a plane," Clark answers, and follows it up, "People can't fly." Lex says he flew during the accident, way over Smallville, when his heart stopped. "It was the most exhilarating two minutes of my life. For the first time, I didn't see a dead end. I saw a new beginning." He says that Clark gave him a second chance. Then, piercingly, he gazes at Clark in adoration and says, "We have a future together, Clark." In bed. "I don't want anything to stand in the way of our friendship," Lex concludes. Wow.
Out in town, Chloe and Pete are wondering about the third guy electrocuted in a week; they watch as he's taken out in a stretcher. These intrepid kids have figured out that all three victims were jocks. In a Kansas football town? How astute of them. They notice Scarecrow Boy; somehow nobody else sees when Chloe whips out a huge digital camera and takes a picture of the guy, right up in his face. Is Scarecrow Boy electrified and blind? It must be one of those new invisible digital cameras. thing, the show turns into Roswell. Chloe has dug up the guy's yearbook photo and compared it with her digital snap. She, Pete, and Clark all see it's impossible, because the guy hasn't aged in twelve years. Chloe has also figured out that Scarecrow Boy just disappeared from a hospital. All of a sudden it's Supersleuths: The Series. Excuse me while I yak. Chloe says the guy is still young because he had a massive electrolyte imbalance. Yeah. Of course. Why didn't I think of that? Chloe has managed to find out that the hospital's generator went down during a storm, and that, in the interim, Scarecrow Boy came out of a twelve-year coma and escaped, endowed with electrical powers. This is like a whole other show, now. An awful one. They've also made the connection with the Scarecrow incident. Chloe shows off her "Wall of Weird," and how all these crazy things have happened since the meteor shower, when the town "went schizo." At this moment, I hate this show with the white-hot passion of a million Kryptons. Save me, Wing Chun. Save me!
Wing Chun: Omar. Fear not. It's time we told you the truth.
Omar: The truth?
Wing Chun: We are not of this Earth.
Omar: If you've got some crack, would you mind sharing it with me?
Wing Chun: We come from a planet far away where the pain of bad television can be withstood on a superhuman level. I am not Wing Chun. I am Chun-El. You, my friend, Are Om-El.
Omar: Ew. Can I just go by Omar?
Wing Chun: Yeah, sure, whatever. Never forget your origin. One day we will return to our home planet. We will escape this painful world, after we have destroyed its bad television.
Omar: What's our homeworld like?
Wing Chun: Like Melrose Place, but sexier. It's called Recapton.
Back at the wall of weird, Clark sees a picture of Lana as a child, bawling. It's the cover of Time magazine with the headline "Heartbreak in the Heartland." "It's my fault," Clark moans. "It's all my fault." He runs off. Mopily.
Supermope goes to mope outside, but is pulled back by the shoulder. It's Jocko. He wants payback. And this time it's personal. And since there was no first time, it's really personal. "You're this year's scarecrow," Jocko says. "Don't mess with me," Clark tells him, but Jocko's got the kryptonite necklace, so when Clark punches, he's weaker than James Van Der Beek. Clark gets slammed to the ground. "What's going on with you and Lana?" Jocko asks. "Nuthin'," Clark says. Jocko notices Clark eyeing the necklace. He takes it off and puts it around Clark's neck. Jocko and his friends dump Clark into the back of their truck. Scarecrow Boy looks on without a hint of menace. Although I'm sure he's trying.
Now it's time for the bit we all saw in the previews: Clark, spray-painted and hung out in the dark in the corn field. He's got the glowing necklace around his neck. My AP English teacher from high school is yelling in my ear, "CHRIST FIGURE!" Hey, there's Scarecrow Boy! "Help me," Clark moans at him. Scarecrow Boy bitches that the pain and humiliation never stops. But instead of helping Clark, he walks off. "Where you going?" Clark asks. Scarecrow Boy says he's going to the dance, and that Clark will be safer in the corn field. He's going to go all Carrie on the high-school dance.
Lex is driving out of a Luthor fertilizer plant right near the corn field when he sees Scarecrow Boy crouching near the road. Lex flashes back, in sepia tones, to the day he lost his hair, and Scarecrow Boy asked for help. Lex gets out of his car and looks toward the corn. "Help me," he hears, taking him back to his childhood trauma. This time, though, it's his superluuuuurve strung up like a scarecrow. "Clark?" Lex calls, when he finds him. He starts pulling his pal down from the pole. "Who did this to you?" Lex asks. Clark falls on the ground and the necklace comes loose. Suddenly, Clark feels a surge of power, which we get through a "whoosh!" sound effect. Lex tells Clark he needs to see a doctor. "At least let me give you a ride!" Yeah, we saw how well that worked out last time, when Clark was involuntarily given a ride into a creek. Clark runs off -- to save the dance, of course. Lex spots the kryptonite necklace on the ground and picks it up, curiously.
Strummy-strum crap rock, again, as Chloe and Sneaky Pete dance the Non-Threatening Dance of Interracial Non-Dating. Lana and Jocko are slow dancing with their mutual crowns on their heads. Outside, Scarecrow Boy is breaking into the sprinkler system with plans of making an electricity soup out of the dance. "You need to stop this," Supermope says, suddenly appearing. This is the best villain they can come up with? A nerd with a grudge? Scarecrow Boy tells Clark that the people inside the building aren't his friends. I can attest to this, what with all the betting going on at Clark's expense. Clark doesn't care: "They never did anything to you!" Scarecrow Boy says he's doing it for Clark and all the other hopeless nerds. Clark takes the blame for Scarecrow Boy's current state, even though it really wasn't his fault. Billy Bob Thornton voice: he ought not to talk like that, he was just a boy. "I have a gift and a purpose," Scarecrow Boy says. Clark does a cool reappearing thing where he's on one side and then suddenly appears behind S.B. The Crow tries to electrocute Supermope, but Clark just absorbs the vibe and throws S.B. clear across the soundstage. S.B. starts up a nearby truck by placing his hand on the hood. He slams the truck into Clark and drives him through a wall. Clark is okay! Who saw that coming? Some loose water sprinkles on and under the truck. Clark and S.B. exchange a look. Then it's all electricity, all the time for Scarecrow Boy. In a lame resolution that makes me wince with the power of a million white-hot Kryptons (again), Scarecrow Boy wakes up in the driver's seat with no recollection of where he is and, we assume, having lost his electrical powers. Even Lois & Clark would have rejected this subplot.
More dancing. Clark looks on, but Lana is still clinging all over Jocko like a Courtney Love dress. A strange red light makes Clark look like a stalker. He walks outside, defeated. He spots a bunch of trucks parked together and smiles suddenly. Oh, Supermope, what ever are you up to?
A few seconds later, everybody is leaving the dance. People are laughing and pointing. The trucks have been stacked on top of each other. "Who did this to my truck!?" Jocko yells, furious. Clark is walking by a fence and just smiles, then walks on. Lana spots Clark walking away, and looks over to him, her curiosity at this mysterious mopey man piqued.
Supermope looks through the telescope at home and is interrupted by Bo, who tells him that the telescope came from Bo's grandfather. Clark is all, "Jeez, Dad, you gotta interrupt my creepy sexual fantasies now?" Clark and Bo have a moment. Bo asks if Clark is okay. "Can I answer that in about five years?" Clark tells Bo that he's glad he and Martha were the ones who found him. "We didn't find you, Clark. You found us." Bo wrinkles his worn crinkly face in happiness and walks off.
Clark goes back to his Peeping Tom Welling ways, putting on the same song that was being played at the dance. That's just creepy. But then he's interrupted again (can't a boy get off in peace?) by Lana, who says she didn't see him at the dance. She sweetly says that she saved a dance for him. They dance. Slowly. They pull away. "Is everything okay, Clark?" she asks. "It's perfect," he answers.
But, no! Clark is interrupted from his little fantasy by honking horns. Lana's been dropped off and instead of fulfilling his fantasy, she's going inside. "Thanks for the dance, Lana," Clark says. Lana turns suddenly. He does have super voice projection, you know, so maybe she did hear him. Then she turns back around and goes inside. Clark watches with the intensity of my hatred for Chloe and the camera suddenly swoops up to a bird's-eye view of Supermope and his angst. Did I call that, or what?
"You're all I want. You're everything," the crap rock plays as we fade to black. Because that's the most original sentiment in rock music today.
week: Lex goes a little nuts, but says he's no criminal mastermind. Yet.
Quick shout-out to my JournalCon homies. You all are the true superheroes.