This week: the episode that'll make you not want to check messages on your PDA/cell phone if you're a whiny princess.
Hey, Allison Mack's been added to the little between-show bumpers! She's lookin' pretty hot there. Hope they don't kill her off any time soon.
We open on a very nice overhead shot of Metropolis at night, as a helicopter flies over and past us. We can see the revolving Daily Planet globe on that building's rooftop (was it flanked by so many taller buildings the last time we saw it?), and we do a flyby as the globe spins. Then, we zoom down and in through a window into the busy Daily Planet newsroom. Ooh, nice flat-panel displays, people. My only complaint with this set-up is that everybody seems to have little dinky inkjet printers to their desks. No, no, no. The newspaper would go out of business just refilling those crappy little ink cartridges every day. Big-ass, 11 x 17-capable networked printers, my friends. You can't have a newsroom without them.
We zoom in on Chloe's desk (she's got a "CHLOE SULLIVAN, COLUMNIST" nameplate that would get her laughed out of most newspapers) and see her GO CROWS mug. Now that one I'll give her. Unique and individualized coffee mugs are used with pride, at least where I work. I still miss my precious jade elephant-shaped mug that I sadly broke in the line of duty. Chloe is packing her shit and getting out. (Mr. Show flashback: Bob Odenkirk starts a phone sex line from his work desk and is told by the unamused female boss, "Get your shit and get out!") Chloe -- wearing a very red blazer and an even louder print shirt under it -- looks at her nameplate sadly. She's gonna miss people being able to recognize her by name when they approach.
Chloe grabs her plastic storage box and starts to walk out. Strapping young editor Max Taylor (who has his own office; nobody in newspapers has their own office until they're forty-five unless they're a fashion/arts editor) asks Chloe if she was going to leave without saying goodbye. He invites her into his office. Except that this show is on The WB, we'll find out later that there's really no reason for this guy to be a hunky young dude. Most newspaper editors look like Michael Jeter or Janet Reno. Seriously. And I'm an editor. ["And a skirt suit looks much better on you than any ever did on Ms. Reno." -- Wing Chun] Max invites Chloe into his office as if he's got Skyy vodka in there. "Blacklisted before I even graduate -- that's got to be a record," says Chloe cheerfully. In the background behind this guy's desk is a Superman-looking Atlas guy holding up the Daily Planet globe in his mighty hands. Young Luke Wilson Editor tells Chloe that he doesn't know who she pissed off, but that she ruffled some feathers. Have you seen her hair? She's does that in the mirror every day. Chloe says she has enemies in high places. Where the mob bosses drown and the Scotch chases Papa's blues away. Way Too Attractive Editor says he'll miss her. Chloe says he'll miss the free proofreader. So she's a columnist slash reporter slash copy editor? And they trust a high-schooler with their copy at a major metro paper? Perhaps I nitpick too much. A more-normal-looking office assistant stands at the door and tells Hunky Editor that his wife has called for the second time, asking about dinner. She doesn't have his direct line? Hunky stalls and says he'll call back. Then he tells Chloe that if there's anything he can ever do...well, he didn't mean it, but Chloe thrusts a yellow 3.5" disc at him anyway and says it contains stories she's been working on. Who even has one of those disc drives anymore? CD-R, Chloe! CD-R! She asks Max to take a look. He tells her he couldn't print her name in the Classifieds right now. Chloe asks if they can use a pseudonym. She writes down the name of her cousin, a girl who's not interested in journalism at all. "Lois Lane?" he asks. Do I even have to explain why a newspaper wouldn't let someone use a fake name in print?
The Meet Cute IT scene. A spinning Luthorcorp logo is on a flat-panel screen. We pan to a Luthorcorp Information Technology sign as Lex walks into Geek Headquarters. They even have one of those Mad Scientist electricity balls you'd find at Spencer Gifts. There are racks and servers and, you know, techy stuff, all over the place. Is that a dongle? Oh, no, that's just Lex. Lex looks around the badly lit, empty place and spins around to find a fairly attractive Jennifer Garner wannabe standing behind him. Lex tells her he was looking for the on-call tech guy. "You found her," she says, arms crossed, all sass. I'm sorry, but even if she is the on-call tech person, she's dressed way too nicely. You gotta get on the floor to fix power strips and dust out old PC cases. It's not a job for nice clothes. Lex is incredulous, just like me. "Would you rather have a PlayStation-addicted dork wearing a Star Wars t-shirt?" she asks rhetorically. I am offended on behalf of myself and on behalf of Glark. You leave us alone, mean lady! ["Dude, much as Glark loves him some Star Wars, even he doesn't have any t-shirts indicating his preference. (Well, no officially licensed ones, anyway." -- Wing Chun] The woman introduces herself as Molly, but by some awful trick of makeup and wardrobe, she'll later look like Lisa Loeb.
Molly asks Lex what his crisis is. Oh, just pick one. Lex says he's trying to finish a presentation ("Why I'm So Goddamn Sexy: A Seminar by and About Lex Luthor"), but his program keeps crashing. He hasn't got time for the pain. "Probably a virus," she says. Dirty! Lex says, "I would assume so." Once you've gotten crabs from some skin boy in Tuscany, something like this is just baby potatoes. The girl who wants to be Jennifer Garner moves her eyebrows and digs through a case of CD-ROMs to find a disc for Lex. Her hair is done up like it's prom night. Ringlets! She stops and seems to act like Lex is checking out her ass. I don't really think he is. Lex says he's only been back to work for a few weeks, but that he's never seen her around. "Back from where?" she asks. Lex says it's a long story. "Oh, i.e. it's none of my business," she surmises. Who says "i.e." out loud? Lisa Loeb, I suppose. She finds the disc for Lex. It's blue. Usually anti-virus discs have red crosses on them and words like, "KILL STOMP MCGILLICUTTY'S ANTI CORRUPTION ED NORTON ANTI-PRO 2004." She says it'll scan for viruses. "Are you a do-it-yourselfer?" she asks, smiling, "or should I do it for you?" Go for the box, Lex, the box! No Whammys! Lex takes the disc and says he can handle it. More eyebrow-cocking from the girl.
Molly goes back to work after Lex leaves. Hey, I see a pretty green computer! It's Chloe's Alienware machine! The woman puts on her Lisa Loeb glasses and immediately loses my interest. She unscrews something from the computer. It's a hard drive. She removes the cable and the desktop image on the screen goes blank. She took out a hard drive while the computer was on? Boy, my inner geek is really coming out in this recap, huh? "Property of Smallville High," reads a label on the hard drive.
Smallville High parking lot. Chloe goes inside and finds Pete in the offices of The Torch. "Welcome to The Torch: Unplugged," he says. Chloe asks what happened to the computers. They're missing. Pete says that Luthorcorp deliverymen stopped in and took the computers back. Chloe moans that they were donated. "Yeah, well, I guess the Grinch changed his mind," says Pete. So few lines for so long have made you a bitter young man, Pete. Pete also says unhelpfully that some girl stopped by but didn't leave a name. Awesome, Pete. See ya week. Maybe. Chloe's not happy.
Chloe walks outside and into the parking lot. A truck in the background skids onto the area in front of the school entrance. It's a red pick-up truck. It revs. It starts to chase Chloe. She runs. The truck busts through a park bench and a trashcan as Chloe tries to outrun it through the parking lot. Run, run, run, chase. Slow-motion Chloe! Chloe slips and falls and the truck runs over her and hits a van with a big Crows logo painted on its side. Chloe seems to have escaped injury by falling at just the right time. She rolls out from under the truck, dazed. Homegirl is scared. The truck door opens. Someone gets out. Chloe looks up to see who it is. It's Clark. "Chloe?" he asks. Close-up on his confused face.
Opening credits. "Hello. I'm Sam Jones III and I need more work. Call my agent."
Commercials. What I Like About You? That you don't watch What I Like About You.
Smallville Medical Center. One Billion Truck Accident Victims Served. It must be attempted murder, because Sheriff Cheshire is on the case. She's in a hospital room with Chloe and Clark. I'm not even freaked out by how dark these hospital rooms are anymore. Clark is submitting to a breathalyzer test. He's not used to anyone but Lex telling him to blow. Clark says the last thing he remembers was that he was at the library. Clark at the library? That's not much of an alibi there, buddy. Cheshire says that Clark is stone sober. Cheshire turns on Chloe and asks if she can shed any light on Clark's story. Chloe's arm is being bandaged up. "You mean the part where I wasn't eating pavement?" she asks. Chloe starts to say something, but stops herself as she looks at Clark. Who wouldn't lie for a face like that? Chloe stutters that it looked like Clark lost control of his truck. Cheshire looks at Clark. Clark looks at the boom mic. "Well, Mr. Kent," says Cheshire, "your family sure has its way of going through vehicles." Ha! Observational comedy. "Chloe?" Clark says, trying to get Chloe to tell the real story. "Is that all you need from Clark?" Chloe asks Cheshire, cutting him off. Chloe would be an excellent bride to someone on trial. Cheshire tells Clark to go on home while she continues questioning Chloe. Clark goes, but gives Chloe a long grateful look from the hospital hallway.
Sure, it's Chloe who's hurt, but it wouldn't be a scene of true poignancy and feeling if Lana wasn't around. Oh, Lana! Where are you? I can't get through ten minutes of this show without seeing your preternaturally pretty face! I need my fix, man! GIMME SOME FREAKIN' LANA, AL AND MILES! Right now! You bastards! You're holding out on me, aren't you? ASSHOLES! Oh, God, what if they don't show her? What will I do? Where will I go? Death, man. I'll kill myself. That'll show 'em. I don't want to live in a world where there's no Lana scene to break up the narrative flow. I'm shaking. I need it, man. Help.
Ladies and gentlemen, the scene you've just witnessed is only too real. We at Mothers Against Pink Princesses (MAPP) want you to know that only you can fast-forward through pointless Lana Lang scenes. Please use the power of your remote control to end this madness. Help send a message. Push "FF" now. I'll let you know when to come out of it.
Lana and Poor Man's Wes Bentley get out of an elevator. They see Clark. Big, dramatic facial expressions. "Clark, are you okay?" Lana asks. Chloe's got a bone sticking out of her arm, but it's important to know whom to check on first. Clark says he's fine, but Chloe is scraped up. Like, scraped up off the gravel. PM'sWB has got some serious jacket collar action going. He looks like an action figure. Lana introduces "Adam." Clark extends his hand. PM'sWB is a little slow on the shake, but smiles nonetheless. "So you're Clark," he says. PM'sWB says he's heard a lot about Clark. "Didn't realize there was that much to say," Clark responds, dickishly. Clark asks how Lana got there so quickly. Isn't that what they ask him every week? She says she was upstairs visiting PM'sWB, who was having his mysterious, seemingly unnecessary physical therapy. Clark asks if that's where she and PM'sWB met. PM'sWB thought he'd see Clark on some visit: "I guess you got busy." Yeah, with Lex. Clark fake-smiles and says, "Looks like we've all been busy." Ooh, Clark, you snarky bitch. Something rings. Lana digs into her purse and pulls out a pink (ugh) PDA/cell phone. It looks a little like a PalmOne Treo 600. Yes, it's a cell phone too, nitpickers. That's why it's ringing. Lana complains that ever since Lex gave it to her, no one can change a coffee filter on his or her own. Lana pushes some loud buttons. Awkward stares. You can stop fast-forwarding now.
Ground-eye view of the Luthorcorp tower. Lex is returning his virus-killing disc to the IT department. Some Jack Black-looking PlayStation-addicted dork in a black t-shirt is surprised to see him. Lex asks for Molly. The guy doesn't know whom Lex is talking about. Lex shows the disc. "I've been looking for that," the geek says, and holds it as if it's the One Ring. The dude says he was the one on call the night before. From home. Lex says Molly was there last night, unpacking computer boxes. A paper on one of the machines says in large script, "SMALLVILLE HIGH." IT Geek says that would explain how all those hard drives got wiped out. Lex turns. IT Geek makes a cringing/flexing gesture with his shoulders. Lex isn't as turned on by this guy as he was by Molly.
The Talon. Big yellow cup of a high-carb coffee treat. Lots of whipped cream and some poured caramel. "There is a lot going on in that cup," PM'sWB says. Lana tells him it's his first time here, and she's trying to impress him. And kill him. He gives her a thumbs-up. As they take their coffee, Lana tells him that The Talon has been a real refuge for her. "Refuge from what?" he asks. From everything, she says. Wow, Lana, your life is so hard. PM'sWB says it was interesting meeting Clark. Lana takes a long moment to create doubts in PM'sWB's head before saying, "We're just friends." He doesn't believe it. He says that, for friends, Lana and Clark are very uncomfortable around each other. As we all are with Lana. Lana says that she and Clark have a lot of history. PM'sWB saw the way Clark looked at her. Lana says that Clark doesn't know what he wants. Like she does? PM'sWB asks how Lana feels about...things. "Clark will always be a very important part of my life," Lana says. "But whatever there was between us...it's gone." They made it look in the trailer like she was saying this to Clark. Damn, you should have fast-forwarded through this scene, too. MAPP apologizes.
Kent Barn. Clark takes a laptop, a notepad, and a book out of the broken truck and dumps them on a table. Chloe comes in and tells Clark that if he's looking for signs of truck-tampering, he won't find any. The truck is fine; she had a mechanic check it out. Clark says that there has to be some explanation. "As to why you tried to mow me over?" she asks. Clark cocks his head. Clark asks if Chloe didn't tell the sheriff he lost control of the car. Chloe says she was covering for him. Chloe, near tears, says that she knows Clark's upset about the Papa Luthor thing: "Don't you think manslaughter is a little beyond 'Eye for an eye'?" Clark asks if Chloe thinks he was trying to hurt her. "I don't know!" Chloe says. Now she really is close to crying. She says that the way Clark's been acting lately, she can only apologize so many times. Clark says he's had a hard time getting over this; every time he sees her, he imagines her with Papa Luthor. Talking. He says that Chloe's not the same person she used to be. She says it's kind of like going to Metropolis and becoming a motorcycle-riding party animal who tells her to get out of his life. Kinda like that. You go, Chloe! Call him on his shit! Clark can't even apologize. Dickweed. Chloe says that she actually came to see if Clark had figured anything out from the night before. She asks what happened after the library. Clark blanked out. He only remembers working on his laptop. (Clark has a laptop?) Chloe turns on the computer and types, "Search for recent documents." A dialogue comes up showing "General Sherman - backup-.doc" and "Astronomy.com." Chloe must be using Windows TV Show Edition. Chloe recovers Clark's history paper. "That's an interesting take on General Sherman," she says wryly. Apparently, Clark thinks that General Sherman was just depressed, and was being harassed by the media. He was mid-sentence when the typing stopped. Clark looks at an email that was being downloaded before the accident. He has emails from Lex, Lana, Pete, and some people named Megan Poss and Dustin Farrell. He tries to open the last email, from "brainwave@instamail.org," but gets a message that says "EMAIL IS LOCKED. THIS EMAIL CAN NOT BE OPENED." Chloe wonders who "Brainwave" is.
Here's your answer. In a blue-lighted room, our friend Lisa Loeb is to a very nice flat-panel monitor and a machine that has a slot for an entire hard drive to be popped in. She pops a CD-ROM into her computer and sits down to do some damage. She's got a very nice Metropolis loft with hardwood floors.
Smallville High hallway. Lana is showing her new boyfriend around. He teases her about the school's mascot. "Oh, it's a bird!" he says amusingly. Lana defends it by saying it's a small town. Lana goes to get her history book, and asks PM'sWB to wait outside.
Cut to Lisa Loeb typing something on her computer. Does anybody really look good in those narrow cat-lady kind of glasses? Lisa Loeb has Chloe's old list of contacts on her computer, including Clark, Pete, Lana, the Smallville Ledger, Megan Poss, Dustin Farrell, Kimberly Regent, the library, Theron Layne, and David Wilson. Don't ask me who any of those last few folks are. Lisa Loeb sends an email to Lana.
Lana answers her phone/PDA. It's from "Brainwave." The screen suddenly fills with colorful binary code. Zoom in on Lana's eye and into her brain. My God. It's full of green code. And lots of empty space. Lana blinks. Commercials.
Steve Harvey's moustache is denser in population than India.
Chloe walks down the hallway. She stops at a bulletin board. Agh! The Eye of Lana is upon you! Don't look directly at it! She'll make you lame! And she needs a little Visine. In slow motion, Lana drops her PDA and approaches Chloe. Chloe tells Lana she's been looking for her. Lana, frowning, takes Chloe's head and smashes it against the bulletin board. Then she throws Chloe down the stairs. Day-um! This fight is trying really hard to be the fight from the end ofAlias's second season. Chloe, her head busted, cowers. She asks what Lana's doing. "Killing Chloe Sullivan," Lana says, more robotically than usual. Roundhouse KICK! More Chloe falling down stairs. Another kick. An arm swipe. Chloe finally decides to fight back. She clocks Lana straight in the mouth. Will either of them show ugly facial injuries later on? Hey, this is The WB. Lana falls in slow motion. The stunt doubles step in as Chloe smashes Lana into a fire rack, breaking the glass. Lana reaches in and gets a damn axe! Lots of axe-swinging, as students just stand and watch. How come no football jock comes and tackles the shit out of Lana? Chloe dodges axe blows. Then she falls backward into a locker room so that we can see a bunch of skinny chicks in their underwear. Wow, WB, I had you all wrong. More axe-wielding, and Chloe knocks Lana over in a flip. Axe-grabbing. Lana kicks Chloe into a locker. This isn't exactly the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling, is it? I'm just glad they didn't make her say, "Heeeeeeeere's LANA!" Chloe gets kicked into the showers, which are of course all spraying. Doesn't this school have separate stalls for girls? One more axe-raising. Suddenly, Poor Man's Wes Bentley is there, grabbing for the axe. Lana kicks him. They fight. He pins her to the wall with his foot. She twists it around, making him flip. Chloe kicks Lana's feet out from under her. Lana falls and hits her head. The beast is fallen. And Lana's got a bloody nose. She comes to her senses. "What happened?" asks wet, bloody Lana.
Four weeks of healing and cosmetic surgery later...Chloe, Clark, Lana, and Poor Man's Wes Bentley are at The Talon. I guess Pete's not invited. Chloe says she can officially rule out paranoia. Somebody's trying to kill her. Why would she want to have coffee with three people, two of whom have just tried to kill her? Chloe -- who has a teeny bandage on her forehead -- is still freaked out. Lana apologizes for, you know, kicking the living shit out of her. Lana can't believe it. She brings Chloe a cold compress. Yeah, that'll help that pesky internal bleeding. Chloe is mad that Lana got them suspended. Hey, you almost got an axe to the head, Chloe. You're lucky there's only one of you right now. Chloe is glad that PM'sWB was there. She asks where he got his moves. Kung Fu? Judo? Justin Timberlake? He shrugs and says he doesn't know. Now Clark's all suspicious. PM'sWB says he's watched a few too many Jackie Chan movies. Like Rumble In The Bronx, the one filmed in Canada. Lana also gives PM'sWB the Suspicious Eye. Clark drinks his coffee and makes a "Mmmm, Colombian!" face. It also puts an idea into his pretty head. He asks if Lana got any weird emails. Lana looks at her PDA, which was somehow recovered in the melee. She got an email, but doesn't remember opening it. It's from brainwave@instamail.org. Clark connects the dots. PM'sWB suggests subliminal messaging. New, from AOL! Chloe says something could have been hidden in the binary code. Numbers, even! Lana asks how she got snapped out of it. Chloe cares more about what triggered the "Kill Chloe" impulse. When a man you've never met before suddenly stops a pink princess from chopping your head off...that's impulse. Clark says "It's Brainwave again," like he's talking about The Joker.
Computer geek time. PM'sWB has hooked up Lana's PDA to a computer and is synchronizing to try to get an IP address from that email. He explains that every computer online has an IP. "You can do that?" Clark asks, as if Stephen Hawking just explained how to resurrect Walt Disney's frozen head. PM'sWB says they'll see. Chloe is still trying to figure out why someone would want to kill her. She asks why she didn't get a message suggesting suicide. PM'sWB is right there with an answer: he says that not even hypnotic messages can override someone's survival instincts. Clark asks if he just picked that information up somewhere. Suddenly, everyone's suspicious of a little knowledge. These are the same people that jump to conclusions about bug boys and shapeshifter villains. PM'sWB says he was in physical rehab for months with nothing to do but read. Looks like he tracked down the IP: it says, "Computer registered to Chloe Sullivan, I.P. address registered to Luthorcorp." Wow, that's a lot of letters for an IP address. "Chloe, the message came from your computer!" Clark explains to illiterates. Lana asks why anyone at Luthorcorp would attack Chloe. Chloe and Clark exchange a look.
The streets of Metropolis. Lex grabs a paper out of a Daily Planet machine (no subscription?) as he explains to Clark, who drove all the way up there (in what truck?) that he doubts his dad would try to kill Chloe. Clark reasons that if he was mean enough to put Lex in a mental institution.... As they cross the street, Lex asks why his father would try to get rid of a high-school reporter in Smallville. Why is the camera at crotch level? Lex asks if this has anything to do with the seven weeks of his life he can't remember. Clark brings up the fact that Papa Luthor asked Lex to fire Chloe's dad. Well, there was more to it than that, but all right. Lex says that was business. He sticks up for his dad, and says that Papa Luthor isn't behind every "nefarious act in Smallville." Just the kinky ones. Lex adds that Papa Luthor would never be that circuitous. Wow. Big word for The WB. Clark says that the emails were sent from Chloe's computer, after it was shipped to Luthorcorp. "Who else would have access?" Clark asks. Lex thinks on that.
Lisa Loeb Lair. I covet her monitor. Her penthouse elevator opens, and a suited man enters the room. He's "Dr. Garner," the Evil Doc from the Ryan episodes. Like Jennifer? Lisa Loeb greets Dr. Garner. She asks how Summerholt is doing. He looks sad as the camera spins around them, showing off the nice Metropolis view. He says that his hospital -- the one that kept little boy Luka hostage a while back -- isn't doing too well. He pulls out a business card and says that a reporter from The Daily Planet stopped by that day. His name was Max Taylor. Wait, the editor went to go do some beat reporting? "About that horrible article that girl wrote?" Lisa Loeb asks. An article that hasn't run yet? Evil Doc says he doesn't know what he'll do if they shut him down. He mentions all the people he's helped, and does the Poor Me speech. "That's never going to happen," says Lisa Loeb. "How can I make them understand?" he asks. "You can't," she replies. "They'll never understand." Is it just me, or did she stop acting somewhere after the first five minutes of this episode? Evil Doc says he's glad he was able to help her. He touches her cheek with a finger in a creepy way. He says that if the reporters have their way, other patients won't be so lucky. Wow, nice couch. Lisa Loeb gives Evil Doc a serious look, and goes back to her computer.
MAPP alert. Poor Man's Wes Bentley is in a hospital room, packing up his stuff into a worn green bag. Lana walks in and asks if he's leaving. "Parole. Good behavior," he says. She asks in a teasing voice if he's going back to Metropolis. He says he's sort of thinking about staying in Smallville. "Why?" asks Lana. He goes, "Ow. That hurt." Lana just meant that the town doesn't seem like his type of place, considering he can go anywhere. He says it's the closest thing to home he has. And he wants to spend some more time with a coffee-shop owner who has "the most beautiful eyes [he's] ever seen." He gets up close and puts his hands on Lana's face. She turns all wiggy and says they don't know each other very well. In the name of all that is holy, I demand that this scene end soon! He asks if that wasn't the point of his staying. He asks what the problem is. Lana turns and says that no one knows martial arts without knowing where they learned it. She says he hacks computers better than Chloe. And if he got all that from book learnin', where are the books? Nobody retains knowledge! Freak! "Wow," he says. He tells Lana that Clark must have really messed with her head. Lana agrees, and says she won't let it happen again. PM'sWB gets pissy. He says he likes Lana, but that he's not going to stick around to become one of Lana's problems. You tell 'er! Lana looks hurt. Good. He tells her she should go. Wow, double whammy. Lana leaves. Then she stops in the hall and turns back so that we can see her face. Too much! It's too much! Gaaaahhh, damn you Smallville! Damn you straight to hell!
The Torch. Chloe is there late at night. She's reading something, and Clark scares her. She tells him not to sneak up on her like that. Clark says he talked to Lex (is that all?), and they found her computer. Unfortunately, the hard drive was missing. Chloe moans that all her email addresses are gone. Clark shows her a photo and says it's who they think stole it. Lisa Loeb. We should have known. Chloe knows the woman. The connection isn't Papa Luthor -- it's a story on Summerholt Chloe was working on after the Luka incident. Clark makes the connection. Chloe says that Luka wasn't the only patient who had been held there against his will. Clark says, and I'm not making this up, "Well, his methods are right out of the Mengele handbook." Right. Seventeen-year-olds say shit like that all the time. Even superpowered ones. Clark asks why Lisa Loeb was there. Chloe says she was recruited by MIT at fifteen, and was an engineering whiz kid. I was told by an alert reader that MIT never recruits anyone. So here's your shout-out, MIT alumnus Janice. Lisa Loeb was sent to Summerholt after she went homicidal on another student. Clark says it's not a psych ward. Chloe says it is, for megalo-braniacs. "Why would she want to kill you?" Clark asks. Chloe says that when she interviewed Lisa Loeb, the girl was convinced that Evil Doc had helped change her life. Chloe says she had enough ammo in the article to shut them down. Clark asks who else knows about the article. "Max," says Chloe.
Quick cut to The Daily Planet. He's calling Chloe about the Summerholt story. He says by gum she's got something here! Stop the presses! The closed captioning has Chloe warning him that somebody's going to kill him, but in the actual episode we don't hear her voice. The office assistant picks up a pencil. She sharpens it. Max tells Chloe that he appreciates the heads-up. The editor asks if the assistant needs anything. Cut to Chloe at the other end of the line. Pencil stab! Chloe loses Max. His arm slumps. The assistant starts screaming. "Max! No!" We pull back to reveal Max, dead on the desk, a pencil in his ear. Where's our inside-the-ear CGI shot of that?
Commercials. iPods are cool, we know. Breakdancing isn't going to make them any cooler.
The office of Lex (the home version). He leads in Chloe and Clark as our superhero thanks him for letting Chloe stay over. Doesn't Lex have email, too? Lex pours some orange juice while Chloe says that it's the last place anyone would look for her. I'll ask again: doesn't Lex have email? I thought Chloe's physical location wasn't the point. Lex apologizes to Chloe for what happened to her editor. "You must have really had Garner over a barrel," Lex observes. Chloe says she's picked up a nasty habit of not knowing what she's getting herself into lately. Lex sums up the story by suggesting that Evil Doc has turned Lisa Loeb into his personal "email assassin." Clark says it's not much of a stretch (oh really?): Summerholt goes from studying the brain to controlling it. We'll make trillions! Better yet, we'll make millions! Lex kinda admires the breakthrough. Chloe says that when it comes to brainwarping, Evil Doc is the guy. Clark announces that he's going to talk to the doctor. Chloe tries to stop him, but Clark is going anyway. He advises Chloe not to leave the mansion. Even if Lex tries to kill her. Lex, wearing a nice, tight blue button-up shirt, says his tech guys are trying to track down Lisa Loeb, and that he's going to see what they've found. He tells her to make herself at home. Feel free to go to the Scrooge McDuck room and roll around in the piles of cash.
Metropolis. Summerholt. Clark puts a lot of miles on a truck that doesn't even work right now. Clark enters the lobby. He happens to arrive just as Evil Doc is leaving. "Clark Kent. Here to abduct another of my patients?" asks Doc. He says that security has been upped quite a bit since Clark's last visit. Clark says he knows what Evil Doc and Lisa Loeb are doing. Evil Doc acts like he doesn't know who Clark means at first, and then says she left the institute months ago. Clark says, amusingly, that sending mind-control emails isn't the kind of skill you pick up at Radio Shack. You do learn a lot about batteries and RF converters there, though. Evil Doc denies that Summerholt has anything to do with that. Clark grabs the dude by the arm as he tries to walk past, and says that the girl has already killed one reporter and is going after another. Evil Doc tells "Mr. Kent" that he works at a serious research institute, and that he's not going to involve his business in some imaginary high-school fantasy. Clark threatens to bring in the police. And tell them what? Security guards approach. Evil Doc asks them to show Clark the door. Why? It's right there and, oh...he meant throw Clark out. They do. As Clark is led out, he spots the Evil Doc dialing his cell phone. Clark focuses his new superhearing ability as we go inside his ear canal to watch the magic of his medulla earlongatta and his MC Hammer vibrate against the Pregnant Lady Gland in glorious CGI. Clark hears the whole phone conversation, including the apartments and apartment number where Lisa Loeb is living.
Talon. "Library," Poor Man's Wes Bentley tells Lana, as he suddenly appears. Lana was cleaning up a table. Gazebo! Oh, I was playing the wrong game. He tells Lana that the library is where she can find all the books he's been reading. In the "Dark Knight" section. Lana walks away and says she thought he was on his way to Metropolis. He was, he says, but didn't want to leave things the way they did. Yawn. He admits that he can be a little abrupt. Lana does her Ice Princess routine. Instead of just taking it like Clark, PM'sWB growls and says Lana's driving him nuts. He knows how strong she is, but for "some stupid reason," she puts on her hurt-little-girl façade. Ha! Someone called Lana on her bullshit! I love this guy! Lana bristles, but PM'sWB tells her that people around her never say what they really mean. Hear hear! I mean, Clark, hear this. Lana asks why PM'sWB is so guarded. PM'sWB says that there are pieces of his life that he can't fit back together. Lana is sympathetic. And pink. PM'sWB says that the town is less scary than going to Metropolis alone. Lana understands. "Crazy ninja girls and all?" she asks. Fine, that was almost cute. PM'sWB backpedals on their almost-kiss, and says he was moving too fast. Lana says it's a little early. For a kiss? Jeez. You've sent the guy how many gift baskets? I think he owes you some smooches. PM'sWB says he's going to miss his bus. He moves to leave. Lana waits as long as possible before stopping him. He tells her before he leaves that he hopes Lana finds a way to trust people again, and that she's an amazing person, blah blah blah pinkworship cakes. Lana finally does stop PM'sWB. She asks if he's serious about staying.
Metropolis at night. This episode is making me sleeeeeeepy. Lex is in Lisa Loeb's fantastic apartment. She's serving what looks like French-press coffee. Lex notes with amusement that all the women he's remotely interested in turn out to be raging psychopaths. "Birds of a feather," Lisa Loeb tells him. Lex puts his hand on her chin. What is it with guys touching her face? "What did [Evil Doc] do to you?" Lex asks. Clark just walks in off the elevator. He sees Lex putting his hand out to Lisa Loeb's face. I guess she has even less security than Lex does at his place. Clark caught Lex, and boy is he jealous. It's not love, unfortunately, but it is the Gayest Look of the Episode (caught-in-the-act edition). Clark asks what's going on. Lex says his tech guy traced her. "And you would be...?" she asks Clark. Clark looks over at her neat computer setup. A huge painting of a blue eye is hanging on the wall behind it. Clark asks if that computer is what Lisa Loeb is using to hurt his friends. She tries to stop Clark. He says she doesn't have to protect Evil Doc, and that they know he's controlling her. She denies it. Lex whips out a CD-ROM and asks if that's what Clark is looking for. "Where did you get that?" Lisa asks. "Birds of a feather," Lex parrots. Lex believes she developed the program on her own. Lex pulled it from her disc drive. When exactly wasn't she looking? Lisa Loeb tells Clark that he doesn't know what it's like to be different, and to see things other kids can't. Clark tells her that Evil Doc isn't helping her. She says that the doctor made her feel normal for once. Lex starts tapping on Lisa Loeb's keyboard while she keeps talking about not being a freak anymore. Lex has figured out that she sent an email before they got there. He asks if Clark recognizes the address. "CNH320@instamail.org." "Mom!" Clark says. Huh? That's her email address?
The Barnness of Climaxitude. Chloe walks in looking for MamaKent. She says she got MamaKent's call. MamaKent pulls an evil-looking scythe from the wall. Chloe backs away in horror. Bo Duke is right behind Chloe with a chain. He pulls it around her neck and chokes her. MamaKent approaches with the blade. Commercials!
I'd make a crack about the commercials, but I'm too damn riveted! We return to Chloe on the choke chain. (Let's not try to speculate on what this means as far as what the show's writers/producers think of Chloe.) Chloe kicks MamaKent right in the face. That ain't right! Clark superzips into the scene and does a Captain Kirk karate throw thing on Bo Duke's back, wrenching him aside. Everybody but Clark falls. Clark helps Chloe up. Smiling with evil intent, Bo Duke pulls a piece of Kryptonite out of his pocket. Dammit! That means he wasn't actually happy to see us! Bo punches Clark in the face. "And this is for not doing your chores! And for making fun of the cows! And for letting that recapper call me 'Bo Duke' for three years!" Chloe watches as Bo beats Clark up with the rock in his hand. Chloe notices a bunch of hay bales up in the loft. She pulls a lever, not caring that it might kill everybody, and lets the hay bales fall where they may. Bo Duke gets clocked. The Kryptonite rolls away. Clark tosses a hay bale aside like it's nothing. Chloe sighs with relief. Clark goes to help his mom, stepping right over Bo Duke. Bo is like, "Shit, thanks. I'll get this myself." Everyone is fine, it seems.
The Talon. Lana takes Poor Man's Wes Bentley upstairs. Ooh, they're gonna go have passive-aggressive sex like on Married With Children! Lana stops PM'sWB before they go into an upstairs room. She tells him to keep an open mind. Uh oh. Big toys. He nods. Lana opens the door and shows a cluttered but pretty spacious upstairs space. Lots of cobwebs. "I think Norman Bates would be right at home here," PM'sWB notes. Lana says he's not exactly the tenant she had in mind. Lana says he can clear out all the junk and paint it. Dude, place is huge. If it wasn't for Lana, you'd have a swinging bachelor pad. Lana says she negotiated a good deal on rent with the owner (Lex?). PM'sWB says the upside is that he wouldn't need an alarm clock. Lana looks blank. He says the smell of coffee would wake him up in the morning. Oh. That. Lana says that if he sticks around long enough, she might put him to work. What is it with The WB and apartments upstairs from diners or coffee bars? Somebody's got an upstairs/downstairs fetish over there. PM'sWB leans close and says he appreciates it, but that doesn't want Lana to feel sorry for him. Lana says no, and says he should trust her. She says she's just trying to help out a friend. Smiles. But no kissing.
Torch. Chloe is rebuilding her computer desktop and getting stuff set up in the newsroom. Clark comes in. "New computers?" he asks. Chloe says they're the old computers; Lex returned them with no strings attached. She says he probably felt guilty for firing her dad. Clark says that at least she's up and running. "Sans cyberstalker," Chloe says. "Your soul is still intact," Clark says, apropos of nothing. Chloe changes the subject. She says that all this stuff with Lisa Loeb has made her think that maybe she deserves it. She thinks it's penance. Ah, a Catholic. Clark says she can't take all the blame. He says she went to Papa Luthor because Clark pushed her away. Clark says that's one of his hidden talents lately. "It's not so hidden," Chloe says. She says she never set out to investigate Clark. She says it was flattering that someone like Papa Luthor would be interested in her work. She says that her dream was laid out in front of her, and that she gave in to her worst instincts. Chloe's eyes well up with tears. Clark says she was having a weak moment. Clark says he had his in Metropolis, and Chloe didn't turn her back on him. He says he owes her the same second chance. Damn skippy! It only took him six months to figure it out. (What time of year is it, anyway?) Chloe says she'd like that second chance. She asks what they'll do now. Forget about what happened? Clark says that there are some things about him that'll never add up. Like numbers in his brain. Clark asks if Chloe is willing to stop digging. She says she is. She figures Clark will tell her when it's right. I hope it's before she's killed off the show. Clark says he'll see her tomorrow. Close-up on Chloe. I like that girl. I like that we're not ending the episode on Lana even more.
Summerholt, exterior, night. Lex is standing by his parked car. Evil Doc emerges from the building and says that when he saw Clark earlier, he should have known that Lex "wouldn't be far behind." Oh, man, you don't even know how close behind Lex usually is. It requires protection. Lex says dangerously -- without even looking at the guy -- that any more attempts on Chloe's life would be "ill-advised." Evil Doc says that Lisa Loeb seems to have vanished into thin air. Well, she's still putting out albums, but nobody's really buying them. Evil Doc asks if Lex knows anything about that. Lex says she's in the hands of people who can help her, not exploit her. The Lone Gunmen? Evil Doc says that Lex is a smart man; he says the line has to be bent to make progress. Lex says that there's a difference between "bent" and "broken." A painful one. Evil Doc asks if Lex has ever been so close to a discovery that he'd do anything to see it through. Evil Doc says that his work could change the way people view intelligence and thought. Lex says that the research isn't worth the cost of innocent lives. Evil Doc doesn't have time for a morality lesson. He starts to walk away. Lex says that Chloe's article is a real page-turner. He holds up the yellow floppy disc. He says that the story is almost worth killing over. Evil Doc stops. He asks what Lex wants. Lex says he needs help. He wants back the seven weeks that were wiped from his memory in shock treatment. Thunder booms. We go to black.