Okay, so I was all excited to recap an episode whose title seemed to be inspired by a line from one of my favorite poems, "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" (not that Prufrock, but a different one). I was curious to see how the themes would be worked in, and whether I'd be able to catch all the references, and it would be kind of like a fun little puzzle for me. So imagine my disappointment at how literal the title turned out to be. Might as well have listened to an Allman Brothers album. But I'll be damned if I'm going to let all that over-thinking go to waste. You ready to get pretentious?
Dessert is served! But not at some sawdust restaurant with oyster shells. We're crammed in around a too-small dining room table with five sext- and septuagenarians, and I can't help thinking the table wouldn't seem so small if these people weren't all built like tanks. Two of the older guys are smoking at the table, and I take a moment to wonder how Fisher & Diaz is going to get a client who clearly doesn't die in California. They all settle down to their dishes of canned peaches, except for the iron-haired guy at the head of the table whose eyebrows are each as large as his moustache. There's also a kid of maybe ten, who looks pretty out of place among all these folks of advanced age and indeterminate second-generation-European-immigrant ethnicity. His dad and his sister are also there so we're not too distracted by questions about the kid's provenance, but the latter two don't have any lines, and the kid's only purpose is to ask the Corpse-genic question, "Why doesn't Uncle Danny like clean peaches?" His aunt (or great-aunt, or whatever, not that anyone cares) corrects him on the proper pronunciation of "cling peaches" and explains that Uncle Danny likes canned fruit that uses a noun as an adjective just fine; he just can't have them "because he has the diabetes." Uncle Danny is the only older person who isn't talking nonstop. He's just sitting there, smiling serenely and sipping his coffee, while everyone talks around him, silently wondering why he went to all the trouble of aging into a reasonable facsimile of Omar Sharif if nobody was even going to notice. Being denied any dessert at all just adds insult to injury.
He's still sitting there and measuring out his life in coffee spoons long after dinner is over and the table's been cleaned (or should I say clinged?). He gets up and wanders right past his two chattering sisters into the kitchen. It's not exactly the sound of mermaids singing each to each. And it's not like they're singing for him anyway. Although looking at those two, it becomes clear how sailors got mermaids confused with manatees. Their blather masks the noise of the electric can opener as Faux-mar Sharif gets ready to have himself a little unauthorized dessert. He looks for a moment like he just wants to enjoy the smell -- and he does -- but whatever willpower he has quickly fails him as he reaches for a fork. Does he dare to eat a peach? He does -- a segment of one at least -- and the blissed-out expression on the face of Daniel Holzenchenko (1939-2005) tells us it was totally worth it after all, if only to get away from his family. Talk about eating a peach for peace. And as Eliot said, We have lingered in the chambers of the sea / By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown / Till human voices wake us, and we drown. I don't actually know what that means or what it has to do with anything, which is why it's called being pretentious.
Ruth is in her bathroom in her nightgown, running the water in the sink and looking at herself in the mirror. For about ten minutes. That's some good recappin', right there. She comes out of the bathroom and joins shirtless George in bed. Man, life sucks when the Walk of Shame takes you right back to the bed you just got out of. "That was lovely," George says. "Wasn't it?" Ruth lies. George lifts up on one elbow to make a proposal, to "close this distance between us." He blows past Ruth's disingenuous "What distance?" to suggest they travel together, now that he's feeling better. Where? Wherever. I think that sounds like an excellent idea. Trash's and my plan for retirement is to buy an RV and drive all over the country sponging off all of the friends and family we've somehow got scattered coast to coast. The only tricky part will be starting late enough that M. Tiny is M. Grown-Up, but soon enough that our friends won't have started dying off yet. Ruth puts off the discussion for now, and turns out the light.
They must have done it pretty early in the morning, because there's no fade to white/overnight transition. Instead, we cut right to the Fisher/Chenowith breakfast table, where family bonding time consists of Nate reading a newspaper, Brenda reading a book, and Maya doing some kind of chair dance. Nate suggests they invite Maggie over for dinner some time, and Brenda asks why. So Nate can hit on her in the bedroom while Brenda's busy in the kitchen? Actually, Nate's stated reason is that Maggie is new in town, she doesn't know many people, and Brenda would like her. But it's really so he can hit on her in the bedroom while Brenda's busy in the kitchen. "Okay," Brenda says agreeably. I guess they resolved their fight since last week. Maya announces that she has to go potty, and Nate says that since he's running late, "Mommy'll take you, okay?" It's rude enough that he doesn't even bother to show any signs of being in a hurry, but the fact that he just assumes without asking that Brenda will step in is worse. So it's not entirely unprovoked when Brenda leans forward and asks, "Maya, do you remember your other mommy?" It's shitty, yes, but not entirely unprovoked. "What are you doing?" Nate snaps. Brenda yammers smugly about "honesty" and the importance of Maya growing up with "a coherent narrative; that she knows where she came from and how [Brenda] came into the picture." Nate says he's all for that, but they have to pick the right time. And here's where I first notice a recurring motif in this episode: the gratuitous extreme close-up. It's like the director's trying to make everything more intense by jamming the camera right up into everyone's face from a low angle. Or maybe he was trying to justify the nose-hair-trimming line item on the budget. I didn't notice it during the Corpse of the Week scene, because it's not unusual there, but the overuse of it throughout the episode gets a little surreal. Since it's used variously to convey tension, pensiveness, humor, doubt, hunger, and nausea, it's inevitable that it's going to suffer in at least one of those functions. "I need to go potty!" Maya repeats impatiently. "What better time than the present?" Brenda says, scooping up her stepdaughter. Nate: "How about after she makes potty, for starters?" Brenda sighs her agreement and takes Maya to make potty. Nate picks up the book Brenda's been reading -- a tome called The Coherent Parent -- and examines the dust jacket. Yeah, Nate. Women and books, man. No good can come of that shit. But here's a tip, my hirsute friend: it gets really dangerous when they actually open the cover.
David and Keith are getting ready to go, and Keith asks if they should call Mary, their surrogate mother. David says they don't want to pressure her. "Pressure her?" says Keith. "We just inseminated her." "You inseminated her," David points out. "Well, not me personally," Keith clarifies. Yes, we understand that Keith didn't actually have sex with Mary. I hope that anybody old enough to watch this show is clear on the procedure. Anyway, the real reason Keith is stressing about Mary is because he wants an excuse not to go to the adoption agency picnic they're getting dressed for as we speak. David points out that they're kind of obligated, since Mrs. Pasqueasel did them the favor of getting them access in the first place. Wise move there, appealing to Keith's sense of workplace politics. Keith's still reticent, comparing the event to "going to look at puppies." David says they don't know if Mary is pregnant, or if she's going to get that way. And he reminds us all about their agreement to "keep moving on both prongs of the two-pronged approach until one of the prongs pays off." They stand up and examine their reflections in the full-length mirror. "You know what we look like?" Keith says. A couple of prongs? "Homos," is David's answer. They both laugh. I like mine better.
As if Nate hasn't had enough unpleasant reminders of Life With Lisa this morning, now he's got all four of Faux-mar Sharif's siblings in front of him, arguing about cremation vs. burial, and his only backup is Rico, who only makes things worse by bringing up religion. Things get more and more heated (And time yet for a hundred indecisions, / And for a hundred visions and revisions) until Nate says, rather sharply, "Look! I think what we all need to do is take a collective deep breath and try to be honest about what…uh…Daniel…would have wanted. Not what we might want." And of course be "we" he obviously means "you selfish old fuckers." "We" look at Nate, surprised at being addressed in such a manner by someone "we" are about to pay thousands of dollars to. Of course, "we" don't know that Nate had this same argument with his first set of in-laws, and probably still gets all bunchy every time it comes up. Must get awkward sometimes, considering the business he's in.
David and Keith are at the adoption picnic, but now it's David who's realizing the event might not be all it's cracked up to be: "I feel like everyone's here just to scope out the most adorable kid." Keith will see that and raise it: "All these kids have gone through some serious damaging shit in their lives." David responds, "Like we haven't?" Good point. Argue that your own issues make you more qualified to parent a child with issues of his or her own. You can all go to therapy together. Keith still isn't buying the scene until he spots a beautiful little girl of maybe five hanging off a jungle gym. "She's adorable," David agrees, "but she's surrounded. We gotta get in there." He takes Keith's paper plate and goes to throw it away while Keith makes his move towards the clump of would-be parents hemming the girl in like suitors around the prettiest belle at the ball. While David's doing that, his eye is caught by a boy sitting alone in the sandbox, dumping sand out of his shoes. He's played by the child actor who played young Ray Charles in Ray. Glad to see they didn't actually blind the kid. David sits down facing Little Ray, trying not to give off a creepy child-molester vibe as he says hi and asks if the boy keeps getting sand in his shoes. "That's why I hate sandboxes so much," says Little Ray. "There's so much sand in them." Uh-oh, David. You just met a cute boy in unenviable circumstances who hates sand. Do you really want to adopt a future Darth Vader?
Claire smokes a joint. I know, can you believe it? Of course, the gratuitous close-up on her is so tight I can smell the cloves. She's back in her old upstairs studio on the Fisher premises, watching night-vision footage of a firefight. You can tell it's not an American news channel, because the screen isn't all cluttered with text crawls and the announcer has a British accent (not that that's necessarily a giveaway, of course). She politely offers the joint to her viewing buddy, George (?), who declines with real regret. "I wasn't sure if you did or not," Claire says. George says he used to, but he doesn't know how it would interact with his meds now. Claire makes an "I hear that" face and goes back to her bowl of Jell-O. Which is not a euphemism in this context. George says she can eat with him and Ruth, but Claire reminds him that she's avoiding her mom. So I guess Ruth didn't exactly welcome her back with open arms after she dumped Billy. Maybe moving back into her mom's house wasn't the best option, then. Oh, I forgot -- she's got no job, no money, and no friends, so it's her only option. Never mind. Carry on. George asks Claire to cut Ruth some slack, saying she's been through a lot lately. Like sex with George, for one thing. George comments, "I really like that piece," and he points up to a shelf where there's a bust with its face covered with one of Claire's torn-up photo-collage masks of David. Claire takes the compliment gracelessly: "Everybody wants that to be the one thing that I can do." George insists it's "very provocative, and disturbing, and beautiful. Isn't that what art's supposed to be about?" Claire gestures to the TV screen and remarks that art is "beside the point," and she's not inspired anyway. "If the muse isn't with you, the muse isn't with you," he agrees. "Exactly, George," Claire says, like the second-craziest person on the show is the only one talking any sense.
Enter Ruth, pissy, carrying a basket of laundry. Claire quickly puts out her joint while Ruth ignores her in favor of asking George what he's doing. George answers, "I'm…I'm just…uh, hanging out. Do you need me for something?" Ruth, annoyed, says she just wondered where George was. And now she finally turns her attention to her daughter, snapping that Claire left her laundry in the dryer. "Sorry," Claire mumbles sullenly through a mouthful of Jell-O. "Is that my food?" Ruth demands. Claire says it's from the fridge. "The family fridge?" Ruth pushes, because God forbid anybody have unauthorized access to a wobbly bowl of water and ground-up horse hooves. "Yeah, so?" Claire snaps right back. George hops up and says he's coming down. Ruth tells him to stay, and dumps Claire's laundry out on the chair as she leaves. Claire's phone starts ringing. George demonstrates that he's relatively on top of things today by observing, "You're phone's ringing." Claire says she knows. "I just thought…you know…maybe you were too stoned," George says carefully as he goes to follow his wife. But Claire isn't too stoned to answer her cell phone, even though the display clearly reads "Billy's Mobile." I have that exact same phone, by the way. Except mine has a different Verizon logo and is programmed to warble "Play That Funky Music White Boy" when it rings.
Things are going great between David and Little Ray; they're jumping up and down on one of those giant, inflatable castles. I didn't think adults were allowed on those. They bounce and bond, until David confesses that he's going to throw up if he doesn't stop. The boy follows David to the playground wall, where he's sitting down to put his shoes back on, and asks if David's okay. David says he's just queasy. Little Ray comments, "There's no way you can ever be an astronaut…You can't throw up if you're gonna be an astronaut." He doesn't elaborate, but I can't imagine anything worse than puking in a space helmet in zero gravity, and David and I both realize he's got a point. ["Except Bill Paxton's character totally hurled at the beginning of Apollo 13, but okay." -- Sars] The kid changes the subject by announcing that his mom's coming to get him after she finishes rehab in six weeks. David nods seriously. Keith joins them, saying he "couldn't break through the gauntlet." David introduces Little Ray Charles to Big Keith Charles (although it turns out that the character's actual name is Anthony), and says the kid's not up for adoption. Anthony repeats the story about his mom, and Keith says "good for you." And then they both make fun of David for his queasiness and general unsuitability for astronaut duty. I think they're all going to get along great.
Vanessa's picking up Julio from school when she's accosted by another mother, whose son levels an accusation at Julio: "He pushed me down in the bathroom and tried to take my Yu-Gi-Oh backpack." Vanessa denies it, and she fires a bunch of pushy, leading questions at Julio, who clearly knows better than to tell the truth. The other kid gets more and more vociferous and Julio finally says, "So what? It was just a stupid game." Vanessa wilts under the other mother's smug look.
Billy sits at the lunch counter of a diner, looking cleaned up and a whole lot less twitchy. He's still got his beard, but it's nicely trimmed, and he may have even gotten a haircut. Claire comes in and sits on the stool to his, and he smiles and thanks her for coming. He announces that he's back on his meds. Claire sits there like she's waiting for something more, and asks, "Is there a specific reason you couldn't tell me that on the phone?" ["Because he's…lying? Was it just me who thought that?" -- Sars] Billy says he needed to see Claire to get some closure. "Should we order?" he says, opening his menu, but Claire shuts that down. "Is that it?" she asks. "Have we achieved closure?" Billy says yeah, and Claire gets ready to go. Billy stops her, and she sits there blinking angrily at him. "I just want you to know that I still care about you," he says. Claire says she knows, and actually makes him ask if she still cares about him. Claire admits she does, "but we're broken up now." Billy asks for a hug. Claire reluctantly agrees, and Billy hangs on for her way too long, until she pushes away and heads out, declining his offer to walk her to her car. He says he'll stick around and have a piece of pie. Claire demonstrates what a negative amount of interest looks like as she leaves him sitting there looking forlorn. Smart move, there, Billy, because on the continuum of things Claire finds attractive in a man, there's borderline crazy at one end, and there's needy and desperate waaaaaaay at the other.
Nate's replenishing the mint bowls at the funeral home when Maggie comes in the front door to pick up George. Nate's all dorky-schoolboy-crush when he sees her. He offers her a mint and everything. "We buy them in bulk." Sweet-talker. He's not discouraged when she declines, and he invites her over for dinner the night. "Here?" she asks. He says, "No, my place. I mean, our place, Brenda and Maya and me, I mean." I can see why the chicks dig him, what with him being so smooth and all. Maggie agrees. The little moment is rudely interrupted by the sisters of Faux-mar Sharif, who enter carrying laden food trays the size of manhole covers. Maggie takes this moment to extract herself, freeing Nate to ask the sisters, "Who said anything about food?" They explain they brought cold cuts and "bacon-wrapped ham balls" for the viewing. "It's what Danny would have wanted," they insist. Nate agrees to take the food downstairs to the fridge (Time to turn back and descend the stair). With the bodies, I guess. Is that legal, let alone sanitary? Furthermore, I now have to add a new line item to my living will that Terri Schiavo made all of us get: "Don't ever store me with the bacon-wrapped ham balls."
Keith and David are discussing Anthony on the way home. They only met one kid at that whole picnic? Keith's doubtful, citing Anthony's claim that he doesn't want to be adopted, but David thinks the kid was just protecting himself. "I just thought he was special." Off Keith's look, he rolls his eyes and adds, "Not retarded special." He gets Keith to admit that he liked Anthony too, "In a fucked-up with serious problems kind of way." "I want him," David insists. Keith wants to make sure David understands that they can't undo anything that's already happened to the kid, and "It's not gonna change anything that's already happened to you, either." David gets that. "I just think it's doable." You know, Trash and I never went to an adoption picnic, but we did browse a few websites. There was one child who seemed perfect for us, but we knew we'd have to snap her up before someone else did and we didn't think we'd be ready to be parents for at least a year or so. And then, of course, our son was born three weeks later. But it worked out great, because instead of getting a kid who was already screwed up by someone else, now we get to screw him up in our own way.
Vanessa opens her front door to find Rico standing on her front step, wanting to know what happened with Julio. News travels fast on the carnival planning committee, apparently. Vanessa says she can handle it and it's no big deal. "Just like us sleeping together is no big deal?" Rico non sequiturs. Vanessa refuses to be baited and says it's just boys being boys. He starts to come in to impose a little short-dad-style discipline, but Vanessa blocks the doorway and says the kids are in bed. Rico says when he got in trouble as a kid, his father took a belt to him. "Then it's a good thing you're not your old man," Vanessa says. Rico again asks to come in, and she slams the door in his face. I kind of wore out that part of my tape watching it frame-by-frame.
Brenda's sitting up in bed, still reading The Coherent Parent. I looked it up on Amazon, by the way, and as far as I can tell it doesn't exist. And if it did, some slick marketing type would probably have insisted on retitling it The Coharent or something. Although I do have to say that the prop department did a nice job of mocking up the cover. Nate comes in, having put Maya to sleep for the night, and sits down on the bed. "I want to talk about what happened this morning," he says calmly. Those are like magic words to Brenda, who puts her book down and gives him her full attention. He begins, "First of all, it made me angry that you would say that to her without us talking about it first." Brenda says he's right and she apologizes, and he thanks her. But she says it's always better to acknowledge the truth. Nate agrees, but he wants to wait until Maya's old enough to start asking questions on her own. Brenda says that Maya may already be wondering, even though she doesn't have the language skills to ask yet. "One day she's gonna find out that I'm not her biological mother. I'm trying to avoid that horrible moment of explanation." Nate doesn't think it would necessarily be horrible. Uh, Nate? Meet Brenda. Brenda psychobabbles in support of her case, and Nate says, "There is such a thing as too much information. You of all people should know that." I wish he would stop saying that to people. Or at least that someone would say it to him so he realizes how shitty it sounds. Brenda asks if his boundary-rich upbringing was so much better than her boundary-free upbringing, and Nate bitches, "I just don't want you throwing shit at her from some book that you haven't even finished reading yet. She's my daughter and I get to decide that much." Oh, we're playing that card, are we? Prick. He goes into the bathroom and closes the door, leaving Brenda to wonder just who that short, squeaky stranger is that Nate railroaded her into helping make potty this morning. I should say that I don't think Brenda's wrong, but I don't see why she's in such a big pushy rush. She's all now, now, now, and she'd probably have better luck getting her way if she gave Nate some time to get used to the idea instead of provoking him to resist. Like it would be so horrible to tell Maya a few months from now. And in case you're interested whether Trash and I have had a similar debate over when to bring M. Tiny into the loop, I can honestly say that we've been in total agreement from the beginning. We told him about his adoption when he was less than a week old, so he's totally up to speed now.
Ruth is back at the yarn shop, sitting with a slightly truncated knitting circle. It's just the Circle Leader, Victoria; the other knitter with lines; and this other lady who says everything twice, who was also in last week's episode and I didn't bother recapping her because it was a dumb bit, but she's here again and she's still saying everything twice. Just so we're clear. And it's still a dumb bit. So that's four of them. If there are only four knitters, is it still a circle or is it a square? Sorry, I don't know much about knitting. Anyway, Ruth is predictably bitching about George: "He insists on talking about everything all the time. I can't stand the sound of his voice." I can't stand Victoria's necklace; it's a choker with four huge, dark stones on it, so it looks like she's wearing a couple of pairs of welding goggles around her neck. Victoria has Ruth's situation all figured out; she likens it to a friend who nursed her husband through cancer, "and when he was cured, she was done. It wasn't her fault, it wasn't his fault, she was just done." This seems to hit home with Ruth. Victoria invites Ruth to join them at a restaurant for dinner later. Ruth makes some noises about having to make dinner for George, but they prevail upon her to agree. They're awfully invested in her, aren't they?
Over breakfast, David gets all excited when he hears that Keith had a dream about Anthony the night before, until he hears the actual dream: "He kept putting blankets on top of me. Each one weighed like a ton. My ribs felt like they were gonna break and I couldn't breathe." Gosh, I wish I knew something about dream analysis so I could interpret that. Is he sure they were blankets and not anvils? "Well, at least he made an impression," David says hopefully. Keith gets up to answer the ringing phone. "Guess who's pregnant!" sings Mary on the other end of the line. Keith relays the news to David, who reacts ambivalently. Mary babbles on about how she thought she was just late, but she's been craving carne asada. "And you know what that means. Well, maybe you don't, but I do." Keith covers the phone and asks, "Should I tell her we're happy?" If you have to ask… But David says he guesses so. Mary agrees, because "At the very least, I can start having sex with my husband again. He will be so fucking happy YAAAY!" It's actually kind of jarring to hear her curse. She rings off, pleading diarrhea, which is apparently also a good sign. Keith tries to ask her something else -- like maybe, "Did you actually take an actual pregnancy test?" -- but she's already gone. "Wow," David says nervously, as if he knows the half of it. "We're gonna be dads!" Keith says happily. David wants to know what this means in regard to Anthony. Keith says someone else will find him, and they don't have enough experience to take on two kids right now. David doesn't disagree, but as he tries to look happy it's clearly for Keith's sake. Wow, he sure got attached to that kid in a hurry. I discourage my wife from going into pet stores for the same reason.
Claire's back up in her lair -- the Claire, I'm thinking of calling it, although that still needs some work typographically -- when her cell phone rings again. This time the display reads "Private Caller." Which is why it's strange when the person on the other end of the line turns out to be Ma Chenowith, the least private person ever. She wants to meet with Claire to discuss "a serious problem with Billy." Claire nervously agrees, and seems to regret it almost instantly. Just wait until later, Claire.
Speaking of discussing serious problems, Rico's in the school principal's office with the other kid's mom and, naturally, the school principal. He says he wants to apologize for Julio. "Your wife wasn't very apologetic," the other mom says, and Rico apologizes for Vanessa too. He explains that he and Vanessa are separated, which makes it a difficult time for Julio. The principal says he understands. But Rico can't leave well enough alone; he goes on to say that Vanessa has been on antidepressants, and she was dating a "total pothead." Even the other mom is looking a little shocked at Rico's verbal diarrhea, until Rico says he's arranged for Julio to apologize to the other kid the morning before school. The other mom happily accepts, and the principal wishes for more fathers like Rico. Rico says that maybe being a funeral director is what makes him better at dealing with people than his wife is. "Well, my almost ex-wife," he remarks to other mom, who's looking at him like she can't wait for the vacancy to open up officially. Rico leans in to his freaky-ass close-up and asks the principal if he thinks the impending divorce is triggering Julio's misbehavior. "I suppose it's possible," the principal says doubtfully. "Thank you for being honest with me," Rico says. "You know, there are some other things that have been going on as well." Oh, Rico. There's just not enough shut up in the world for you.
Back at the funeral home, Faux-mar Sharif's brothers, previously united in their support of cremation, have suffered a schism over the funeral music. One brother yells over blasting polka music that Frankie Yankovic was Faux-mar's favorite, and the other yells that Faux-mar's favorite was…wait for it…Herbie Hancock. And he stops the tape and pops in "Rock It." (That is not what I meant at all. / That is not it, at all.) Nate suggests that maybe Faux-mar had two favorites. "You ever think of that?" He stops the tape and says he himself has at least three favorite songs, and that Maya's favorite color is blue and green. "So here's what we're gonna do: we're gonna play Frankie Yankovic and Herbie Hancock. How's that?" Both brothers fold their arms, each annoyed at being denied a full victory. Or maybe they're just worried about what that playlist is going to sound like. Obviously they've never heard of Jack FM.
The restaurant Claire's at with Ma Chenowith is considerably more chi-chi than the one where she met Billy. Ma is trying to backpedal on the sales job she gave Claire, even though Claire insists that Ma implied there was an emergency. Ma says that Billy could hurt himself again like he has in the past, and Claire says that's not her problem. Ma says, "I understand, given the family you come from, why you ended it." Claire correctly says her family has nothing to do with it. And then she stares in horror as Ma displays way too much knowledge of her and Billy's sex life. "He told you about our sex?" Claire asks in disbelief. Ma says, as only Ma can, "Of course he did! I'm his mother." She insists that Claire made Billy happier than he'd been since he was, "I don't know, four?" Claire says they're both better off apart, and Ma becomes all business: "What do you need from him to make this work?" Claire's acts offended, and Ma says she thinks Billy and Claire still love each other. Claire looks at her empty plate and tries to figure out how to get out of this.
Nate comes home to find Brenda and Maya cooking. He asks his wife if he can help with anything. Brenda says, "Yeah, you can not act like an a-hole tonight at dinner." Nate asks why he would act like an a-hole. "Because you were an a-hole last night," Brenda explains. I just think the word a-hole is funny, because I'm twelve. Brenda elaborates that Maya's not just his daughter any more. "Do you know how offensive that was?" Rather than apologizing, Nate asks to "put a pin in this," and Brenda snaps "Fine" as the phone rings. We only hear Nate's end of the conversation, but it's pretty clear that it's Maggie, asking if she can bring George. Since, you know, Ruth bailed on making his dinner and the man can't figure out how to make a damn sandwich or something for himself. Brenda reacts with annoyance. "What, was I supposed to say no to her?" Nate demands. No, Nate, your wife would never ask you to say no to your girlfriend.
Claire's still sitting across from Ma Chenowith, thinking about what Ma said, until the check is delivered. Claire says she should go, but Ma says she's the one who should leave, because Billy has just appeared at Claire's elbow. He smiles down at Claire, who's looking back at him in silent fury, while Ma Chenowith basically tells them to have a good talk. As Billy takes the seat Ma recently vacated, she tells him to call later to let her know how it goes. "Okay, Mom," he says, as she announces she's taking the check and makes herself scarce. That's big of her, considering she's the only one who ate anything. "You planned this?" Claire asks Billy in disbelief when they're alone. Billy says he just didn't think he'd made himself clear before; he wants Claire to know that if she ever wants to get back together at any time in the future, he'd be "open to that." Claire's still stuck on how they got here: "You used your mother to ambush me?" Billy says it wasn't an ambush, exactly. "I am so out of here," Claire says, but Billy stops her, saying he wanted her to know about his feelings. Claire firmly says she gets it, "but that is never going to happen." She just can't forgive him for deciding to go crazy and making her have sex with that guy and then getting all grungy, can she? Billy asks if she knows for sure. "Pretty much," yeah, says Claire. Billy abruptly breaks down into sobs, and Claire says she has to go to the bathroom. Billy begs her not to leave, so she promises to be right back. And then she gets up from the table (with her coat still on and her purse over her shoulder), walks back to the restrooms, past the restrooms, and straight out the back exit. The time she sees Billy should be interesting.
Rico is telling Vanessa about the meeting with the principal, but it's naturally a tissue of lies. "I didn't go into details," he lies, but then he says the principal was looking for an explanation. And then he lies that "He said that our divorce is causing Julio to lash out, and frankly he's surprised that it hasn't caused more problems than it already has." I hate when people lead someone else into agreeing with them, and then "quote" that person to a third party as if the other person actually said it on their own. It's just so sneaky. Vanessa sadly says that it's hard to be a single mom as the kids get older, but she didn't realize it was causing such problems. "It's okay," Rico lies. "I'm on top of it. We're on top of it." And he strokes her hand comfortingly. And lyingly.
"Who is at the door?" Nate asks Maya, and holds her up to the window so she can identify "Papa n Maggie!" He lets them in, and George has Maya in his arms before he's fully in the door. I do like the relationship between those two. It's either because I'm a big softie or because they're close without making me recap a lot of dialogue. Maggie asks if it's okay that George came, and Brenda assures her that it is. "Please don't talk about me like I'm not here," George says pleasantly. I'm sure they didn't mean to; he was just three feet away, and you're on TV, so they probably assumed you couldn't hear them. Brenda starts off the evening by announcing that she and Nate have been having a fight. Nate tries to downplay it as "a disagreement." "What about?" asks George. Brenda starts to explain, but Nate suggests that maybe they should do this when company's not there. Brenda says Nate's right, and fake-pleasantly says that any "weird energy" is from them, has nothing to do with George and Maggie. Well, duh. Having hit Nate where he lives by embarrassing him in front of his girlfriend, Brenda heads off to the kitchen to open the bottle of wine they brought. My closed captioning says "[Maya babbles] Maggie," which is 100% accurate.
Ruth's at the tea bar or whatever with Victoria and the other knitter who only says things once, and they're trying to prevail upon Ruth to ditch George for good, not just for the evening. Ruth says she still sees the little boy in George. She says that's always been her problem with men; she's drawn to vulnerability. "Why do I always pick men with such skinny legs?" This is bordering on disturbing. She says she made a vow to George, but Victoria says marriage doesn't have to mean "until death do us part." Ruth says George is sweet and ill and can't take care of himself. Victoria asks about Maggie, and Ruth says Maggie has her own life to live. Which she already dropped to move to L.A., but whatever. Victoria tells Ruth about an alcoholic friend she once had whom she dried out and then cut loose. Ruth says she could never do that. Yeah, she could totally do that.
Dinner at Nate and Brenda's has come to an end, and George compliments the meal, "even if it was prepared under trying circumstances." Nate comes out of Maya's bedroom, confirming that Maya's asleep again, and resumes his place at the table across from George, who comments that the fight seems to have blown over. Nate says it was just a discussion about telling Maya that Brenda's not her biological mom. "She doesn't remember Lisa?" George asks. Nate doesn't think so, since Maya was barely walking at the time. Brenda maintains that Maya's "old enough to know her story and how I came to be her mommy." George sees an opportunity to satisfy some long-held curiosity: "Lisa's brother-in-law, what was his name?" Nate says "Hoyt" the way you'd hock something up to spit it out. George asks if they ever determined whether Hoyt killed Lisa. Maggie tries to intervene, but Nate says it's okay and that with both of the principals dead, no one will ever know for sure. "But you think you know what happened?" George asks, again over Maggie's objections. Nate says he does, and George keeps talking as Nate gets more upset. George asks if Nate feels like he has closure, and Nate gets louder as he says that he doesn't. And here, finally, Brenda steps in to suggest they change the subject. Points for that, but now would be a pretty good time for her to figure out for herself exactly why Nate has been so resistant to her suggestion. George apologizes for his tactlessness, blaming it on the way his meds make questions get stuck in his head. "It's not a problem," Nate lies. Fade to white. And he never even got to hit on Maggie in the bedroom while Brenda was busy in the kitchen.
Keith, David, and Mary clink champagne flutes and share a toast. Mary asks if it's alcoholic, but David says it's non-alcoholic sparkling cider. As if they'd give her booze after David gave her grief for drinking caffeine five seconds after she agreed to be their surrogate. But Mary says her OB has given her permission to have a glass or two of red wine before the second trimester. David receives this news with some surprise. She warns them that she's been experiencing some spotting, which is normal for her so there's nothing to worry about. "Besides, I'm still having my cravings for meat so I just know I'm pregnant…Besides, my boobs are so sore I can hardly put on a bra. That's why I'm not wearing one." It is only by a Herculean effort that David is able to prevent himself from glancing at her chest. I can't believe that neither of them has noticed that all she's done is talk about signs, like there's no scientific way to find out whether she's actually pregnant or not. I hope she hasn't broken out the maternity koo-koo pants just yet.
And here's Claire, flopped on the living room sofa and watching The People's Court with a flaming doobie in her hand. Probably not the best way to "avoid" Ruth, let alone "not provoke" her. Nate comes in and remarks, "Getting high in the morning, huh?" Claire directs her Gollum-like gaze up at him and complains that Ruth wants her to get a job. "Can you believe that?" Nate points out that jobs are really pretty commonplace. "Why can't anyone in this family just let me fucking be?" Claire whines. I assume Nate is only speaking for himself when he sits down to her and says, "I just flashed on Maya at your age, sitting in front of the TV and feeling sorry for herself, not caring about anything or anybody. It just broke my heart." And then he takes a hit of her weed, just to show that he's down, and leaves her be.
Vanessa drops off Julio at school, and the principal descends on her, asking for a word in his office. "Sure," she says nervously, and follows him down the hall.
At Faux-mar Sharif's viewing, his sisters kvetch about the cost of everything. "God bless him. He was a son of a bitch, bit God bless him." I notice they didn't spring for a rack of dancing robot pants, even though "Rock It" is playing loudly throughout this scene. Up at the front of the chapel, Nate stands over the open casket of Faux-mar Sharif, flanked by Faux-mar's brothers. We can't see if Faux-mar is wearing the bottoms of his trousers rolled. He asks if a decision has been reached as to how to put their brother to rest, and we see that one hasn't. They're still holding out for scattering Faux-mar's ashes off the Santa Monica Pier where he liked to go fishing, but the sisters are still insisting on burial. "Come on, let's go get some ham balls before they're all ate up," says one brother, and they leave Nate standing there alone looking down at his client. "No offense, pal, but your family is a bunch of fucked-up control freaks," Nate offers. Faux-mar, with a teddy bear, a photograph, and a pack of Winstons resting on his shoulder, opens his eyes and retorts, "Whose isn't?" ("I am Lazarus, come from the dead, / Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all") Nate asks Faux-mar what he wants. "It's your funeral." Faux-mar says nobody asked him anything for twenty years. (I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be; / Am an attendant lord, one that will do / To swell a progress, start a scene or two) He says, "This is what I want: I want Maya to have a mommy." The ridiculousness of that line shatters even Nate's suspension of disbelief, and he looks down at the dead-again Faux-mar, who hit the trifecta of wise Corpses of the Week: he got his only lines after his death, they were All About Nate, and they made no damn sense. (Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse; / At times, indeed, almost ridiculous -- / Almost, at times, the Fool.)
George reads the paper at the kitchen table. Ruth joins him and says she wants them to move out of the house to make a fresh start. And piss away a ridiculous amount of money while they're at it, one assumes. George thinks that sounds great. Just then Claire comes in and tentatively heads for the fridge. "What on earth do you think you're doing?" Ruth demands. Claire says she's just getting some food. Ruth: "Get out of here. I'm trying to have a private conversation with my husband." Claire stands there, until Ruth drives her from the kitchen by yelling, "Get out! Go get a job! Leave now!" Claire stomps out the back door. Obviously the Fisher women haven't been getting along already, but I think part of that display is because Ruth is feeling guilty about what she's trying to pull with George and she doesn't want any witnesses. ["Or because Claire's sense of entitlement is up her ass. Oh, wait; that's my display." -- Sars] George looks pretty unhappy with the way she just treated her daughter, but, being the anti-Brenda, he doesn't comment. Ruth says she made an appointment to look at an apartment near Park LaBrea. "That's within walking distance of the museums," George says in amazement. "And the Farmer's Market," adds Ruth. George asks, "Do you really want a new beginning? Because nothing would make me happier." Ruth just smiles at him as he takes her hand.
David just sits in pensive profile in his hinky extreme close-up while Keith answers the knock at the door. It's Mary, back already. "Okay, are you guys sitting down?" "Uhhh…I am," David says hilariously. Mary says she got her period ten minutes ago. "I came right over to let you guys know." She either lives really close or she got a ride with Kiefer. "But you took a test, didn't you?" David says. Now they ask? She admits that she didn't. And then adds that it's probably a good thing she's not pregnant after all, since she just got x-rayed at the dentist last week. "Can I use your bathroom?" Keith gestures with sarcastic grandness, and she scampers off to do whatever it is you do when it's ten minutes since you got your period and the first thing you did was get in the car. She may just be wearing that buttoned-up trench coat for reasons that I don't care to explore. Frustrated and disappointed, Keith sits to David. "Well, you still want to adopt Anthony?" he asks. David's answer is an overjoyed hug. I'm pretty sure this isn't resolved, though; I suspect they need to keep juggling this two-storylines-for-the-price-of-one situation in case the writers run out of stupid things for Nate and Brenda to argue about. Wait -- what am I saying?
Vanessa charges right down to the Body Shop and spits at Rico, "You told our son's school principal that I was dating a drug addict?" I forget where I read this -- it might have been in Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers, actually -- but I understand that part of the standard embalming process is to pack the anus with gauze to prevent, you know, seepage. I'm reasonably sure that's what Rico's doing in the Body Shop right now, because he's got a corpse's leg in the air and he's doing something underneath it that's mercifully out of frame. And as long as the director keeps it that way, I'll forgive him every wonky-ass extreme close-up he's given us so far. Vanessa's in a less forgiving mood, though, as she lays into Rico for what he told the principal. Rico tries to defend himself, but his only weapon -- a plastic wand that he just pulled out of some dead person's ass -- isn't all that useful when the confrontation is purely verbal. Vanessa yells at him about Rico calling her ex-boyfriend Kenny a "pothead" (it was actually his sister who smoked pot, way back in high school, and Vanessa broke up with the guy months ago), and revealing that she was on antidepressants, and mentioning an "incident" with a babysitter that the principal is now required by law to report to the police in case there was any molestation. She's nearly in tears at this point, as Rico clarifies that the "incident" he's talking about is when Vanessa failed to pick Julio up last episode. And Vanessa adds that the principal never said the divorce had anything to do with Julio's behavior. Rico lies that he was doing what was best for Julio. "You're full of shit," she snarls at him. "You know, lately, I was thinking there might be a chance that we might get back together, but boy do I need my fucking head examined." Vanessa's exit line is to look at the corpse in disgust and grunt, "Ugh, I can't believe I ever married a fucking embalmer." Hey, he's a partner now! But he's also been effectively shut up, so, as always, Go Vanessa.
Brenda's making Maya's bed, as Nate comes in and asks where Maya is. "You mean your daughter? I dunno," Brenda doesn't say. Instead, she just says Maya's putting stuffed kitties in all the shoes in Brenda's closet. "Brenda, I'm sorry," says Nate. She stops what she's doing in surprise and watches as he continues. "What am I supposed to tell her, that her real mother got pregnant and trapped me into marrying her? That she was fucking her brother-in-law and he might have murdered her because she tried to break it off? That he might even be her real dad?" That she's standing right behind you? No, not really. Nate slumps down on the bed and says he wanted to spare Maya and himself that. "Oh, God, Nate, I didn't even think of any of that." Nate turns and gives her a look, like, "Of course you didn't." Which, of course she didn't. She got so caught up in testing out the latest parenting fad that she never took ten seconds to consider the real-world implications. Man, Nate's going to have a job of work preventing Brenda from using the kid as a psychological testing ground over the decade or so. Contrite for now, Brenda sits to Nate and says they can be honest with Maya about Lisa being her mother without sharing every detail. Nate says Maya might need to know someday. "But not now," Brenda says. "Not for a long time." They kiss and make up. Can't wait for their stupid fight.
David and Keith are already at the adoption agency, getting the bullet on Anthony, who the adoption lady says is a good kid. "You know he has an older sibling?" she adds. They didn't. The brother's name is Durrell and he's eleven. Keith looks crushed, knowing what this means. The adoption lady says they prefer to keep siblings together. David looks at Keith expectantly. "So when do we meet Durrell?" Keith asks. David looks like he's about to cry with joy.
George is also in a good mood, pacing around a big, empty, cookie-cutter apartment with Ruth and saying they'll be very happy here. Actually, it's George pacing around, checking out the view and everything, while Ruth stands in the middle of the room like a guest who doesn't plan to stay long. George says he already likes it here. Ruth favors his back with an evil half-smile, because she's getting a little revenge along with her escape. You see, if George is that close to the museums and the Farmer's Market, he's also close to CBS Studios, which means he's going to be awakened ungodly early every weekday morning by the outdoor PA's incredibly loud call for audience members on The Price is Right. Yes, as a matter of fact we did stay across the street from there during our visit to L.A. last year.
Brenda and Nate are showing Maya a little scrapbook they've made of her story so far, which begins with a page containing a photo of the three of them. And the has a picture of Lisa, holding tiny little newborn baby Maya. "She was your first mommy," Nate says. "Your biological mommy." Brenda explains that that means Maya lived in Lisa's belly, illustrating the concept with a ladybug sticker that she pastes to Lisa's uterus in the photo. I hope that wasn't Nate's only copy. "And she loved you," Nate says. "She loved you very much." Maya looks a little confused by all this, but she obviously feels safe and loved as one last hinky close-up zooms in up her nose and into the final fade to white.
Hey, y'all, don't forget that the show's moving to Sunday this week. I'd hate for any of you to miss it and then have to try to catch one of the ninety "encore" airings over the course of the week.