Props to the whole TWoP crew. Well, with the exception of...nah, I'm just fuckin' with you.
It doesn't matter what Claire "BE FRIE FORE" Fisher and Mena "ST NDS VER" Suvari say to each other, because the viewer will be far too occupied turning to the viewer's friend on the couch and asking through the entire first scene, "Wait, are they going to kill off Mena Suvari? Are they? Because if so, I can't wait to break out the 'I'm So Glad They Finally Killed Off Mena Suvari' celebratory Cookie Puss Carvel cake I just happened to have waiting in my freezer!" Alas, finding two main characters (well, one main character and one Maine-sized forehead) in an episode's opening scene is supposed to and does lead to a certain sense of unease, especially when this show seems to have forgotten that girls are actually supposed to kiss boys. Just ask Missouri. They'll tell you.
We join Claire and Mena Suvari lying in bed and making moony eyes at each other, Claire, as if in response to the contention, "You didn't out-act me in that scene, Ambrose," insists somewhat forcefully as the episode's first line, "I did." We weren't there for it, but...she did. But Mena Suvari has some other notions of what they did or didn't do, answering simply, "No." Claire doesn't know why you say goodbye when she says hello, again insisting, "I was, like, major and intensely worked up like never before." The camera lopes around them in a slow aerial circle so God can see more clearly his new candidate for eternal hellfire -- remember, America, this scene is detrimental to your marriage -- as Mena Suvari repeats her belief that "that's so not it." Before Claire does official homage to woefully repetitive dialogue and shoots back that she "can't pay the rent" even though she "must pay the rent," she rolls over on her back after a silent second and tells Claire, "Stop looking at me like I'm the new zoo baby. I did cum." Is that how it's spelled? I hate writing that word out even in this most chaste context. It just feels so porny. I don't even like writing, "He was a designer cum musician," because...ew. But we're going to get off of it now, because I've gone and gotten cum all over this paragraph. See? Porny. And ew. ["I've always thought 'come' was the verb and 'cum' was the noun, but unlike at least one of my colleagues here, I never proofread dirty letters written to a men's magazine, so I won't be terribly forceful about it." -- Wing Chun]
Mena Suvari rolls over on top of Claire, and citizens of Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Montana, Oklahoma, Oregon and Utah are all, "Well, our marriage has just lost its sanctity, for some reason." Peering down at Claire intently, Mena Suvari soldiers on, "Honey, there's no way." Okay, first of all? Maybe she did cum (ew). Second of all, don't call her Shirley. Or whatever she's being called. Mena Suvari examines the lack of symptoms that make up the disease of Hot Lesbian Orgasm, including, "No funny face. No funny noises. You didn't melt into a smoking little puddle of Claire. Yet." "Smoking little puddle of Claire"? Such a sharp tongue this one has. Though maybe if it were a little sharper, Claire would have...well, you know. Mena Suvari leans in for a kiss that the rats in her rat's nest hair vote on a Constitutional Amendment banning, but Claire pulls away with a look of concern and asks, "What's wrong with me?" Mena Suvari promises that it's "nothing," adding, "We're just getting started. You wait and I'll make you scream." More deep tongue kissing as Louisiana is all, "I know the vote is coming up, but this is just too hot to look away from right now."
“ It's an interesting interpretation of the scriptures to claim that the reason people don't believe in a higher power is so they can sleep a little later on Sundays, but I say you stay out of my yard and I won't leave a box of poo in yours. Like the old expression goes. ”
Ruth "I Want A" and George "Divorce" Sibley sit in the kitchen as I realize that the only problem with their ending their marriage would be that it meant Ruth was a Fisher cum Sibley cum Fisher. Ruth insists, "George, come to church with me." George, flipping through the "Animal Husbandry" section of a newspaper (because that is, in fact, what he is...he is an animal husband) responds, "Agnostics don't usually go to church, Ruth. That's part of the appeal." Well, it's an interesting interpretation of the scriptures to claim that the reason people don't believe in a higher power is so they can sleep a little later on Sundays, but I say you stay out of my yard and I won't leave a box of poo in yours. Like the old expression goes. Ruth tells him how happy she would be if he would go with her, with which George puts down his newspaper and takes her hand, cooing (I know. I didn't know he was a coo-er either), "Sweetheart, this is my day to catch up. I've got a million things to do." It's been quite an inordinate number of months, for example, since he's married anyone new.
David "What's Gay And Yellow And Goes 'Crack' In The Night? You!" Fisher enters the kitchen just then. He bids them all a "good morning" that's straining so hard to sound jolly that he practically sings it to the tune of the opening number of Showboat. Ruth asks him in rapid succession, "Can I get you anything? How are you?" causing David to answer in rapid succession, "Orange juice! I'm great! Well, my stomach is burning." Well, then, orange juice for everyone, because there's nothing for heartburn cum a heart attack better than a big glass of acid. He should be consuming base elements instead, like milk and slaked lime and Ace of Base. He should be strong enough for a man but PH-balanced for a woman. Ruth agrees with me, giving him water instead, as David unbuttons his jacket because he's totally having a heart attack and notes, "No bodies in the prep room. Do you think death spared Los Angeles last night?" Maybe L.A. installed a few more ATMs and death didn't have any other choice. Ruth asks what he's doing there, then, and he foreshadows that he should be around in case they "get a walk-in," which makes all of the linguistic sense of a hooker showing up early to her job on the street corner "in case we get a eunuch." Because the dead, not so much with the walking. David asks his mom and his stepdad (it's fun to call him that sometimes and I recommend you try it) what they're up to, and George snarks, "I have to work. And your mother's got the spirit." The writing: a funny line. The character: she didn't mock you for your agnosticism; you don't have to mock her for believing in a big man with a white beard who lives in the sky. Ruth asks David if he'd like to attend church with her, and David grabs his heart-attack arm and smiles broadly, answering, "Yes, I'd like that! Very much!" Ruth hands him his water and tells him she'll be "ready in a minute," leaning down to George (though not very far, because they're the same height when he's sitting) and informing him, "Last chance." Right back at her, George sarcastically requests, "Pray for me?" Which would be a lot funnier if he and Ruth didn't already actually hate each other so much.