Episode Report Card Aaron: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT It's a Dead Man's Party, Leave Your Body at the Door
By Aaron | Season 3 | Episode 13 | Aired on 05.31.2003
And while we're waiting for the commercials to be inserted for syndication (and all the "fucks" to be over-dubbed), now seems like a good time to talk about the contest we're running. You see, several months ago I was contacted by Strega's friend Johanna, who told me that she accidentally received an extra Six Feet Under messenger bag when ordering from the TWoP store. She graciously offered to put the bag up as a prize for a contest or something, and I've been sitting on it ever since. It's survived a move, a flood, and several weeks at the bottom of a box that I spent the last few days frantically searching for, and now I'm going to give you, my dear readers, the chance to own it yourselves. I may even decide to fill it with some official random Aaron knick-knacks before sending it off, if that's the sort of thing you think you might enjoy. The goal of the contest is to come up with the best suggestion for a Six Feet Under spinoff to tide us over during the long year before Season Four is scheduled to return. I'll open a thread in the forums, and you can post your ideas there. Entries must be less than two hundred words, feature at least one SFU cast member, and be posted prior to 11:59 PM on Wednesday, June 18. Judging will be totally arbitrary, and the winner will be chosen solely based on whichever entry I like best. To help you out, I'll sprinkle a few sample entries throughout the recap. Here's one to get you started:
The K-Files
Starring: Keith Charles, his dad Kersh, Kris Kristofferson, and Anna Kournikova
Plot: An open-minded security guard investigates paranormal occurrences while dealing with a pan-gender love triangle featuring himself, his loyal partner (Kournikova as Dana Skully), and a mysterious white-haired gentleman with a fondness for nicotine (Kristofferson). Wacky hijinx ensue.
Good luck, and know that whether you win or lose, your ideas will still be better than most of the dreck the networks plan to roll out next fall.
Das Sargzimmer. As has become increasingly more common this season, the family of the DGDJ gets only this one token scene. Mostly it just consists of the Armenian Apu explaining precisely what "blue ice" is all about. In case you didn't know, it's frozen chemical waste from an airplane toilet, and apparently it has a nasty tendency fall off and come crashing to the ground in the most inopportune locations. Or something like that. I wasn't really paying attention. And neither was Nate, for that matter, because he's practically falling asleep right there in his chair. "Hey!" shouts Apu. "Are you not listening to me? These places! You are taking from people when they are most vulnerable. What is this, some kind of a fucking business to you [Fk = 19]?" Uh oh. The F-word finally got Nate's attention. "You're goddamned right it's a business," he yells, as he jumps out of his chair. "What do you think, I'm here for the love of humanity? Do you think I want to be here with people on the worst fucking day of their lives [Fk=20]? Do you think I have some kind of gift or something?" He goes on to yell a bit more, and ends up throwing them out and promising to ship the DGDJ's body to wherever they end up, "free of fucking charge [Fk =21]." The only other thing worth noting here is that there were two more fucks that I didn't transcribe, bringing us up a grand total of twenty-three. For the record, we just passed the twelve-minute mark.
The Body Shoppe. David and Rico, who have become quite the comedic duo this season, are downstairs chatting about David's relationship problems. The DGDJ's corpse is in the foreground (StC = 755. And for gambling purposes, let's make that the over/under on the Fk Coefficient, okay? Personally, I'm taking the over), and even though she's covered by a sheet, you can totally see that her entire head above the jawbone has been smooshed like a pancake. Ew. Although I will admit that the flattened hair peeking out from under the blood-stained covering was a nice touch. "I felt so free," explains David. "For, like, a week. But all of a sudden, within days, I went from 'Yay, I'm independent!' to 'Holy fuck, I'm going to die alone [Fk = 24]!'" We've all been there, my friend. We've all been there. Rico seems highly amused by this litany of romantic woe, although he does offer that all relationships go through "tough patches." "Have you and Vanessa ever gone through a time where you felt like by staying with her your entire sense of self would be obliterated?" asks David. "Uh...no," answers Rico. Heh. David hops off the counter to go stand next his partner, and I don't know if Freddy Rodriguez is sitting on something behind that table, but Michael C. Hall is like eight thousand feet taller than he is in this shot. I knew the guy was short, but damn. Rico then delivers his own list of problems, blaming everything on Angelica and the fact that Vanessa always takes her side. "It's like I have a fucking two-headed wife [Fk = 25]," he finishes. "As opposed to a no-headed wife," snarks David, nodding towards the near two-dimensional DGDJ. Hee! Even Rico liked that one. Just then Nate comes tearing in, demanding that they "fucking unhook" the corpse (Fk = 26). He tries to cover the fact that he went fucking ballistic on the husband by blaming everything on the "priest or pastor or whatever" at the Armenian church, and David and Rico are livid when they learn that Nate promised the family that transporting the corpse would be free. "I made a mistake, all right," he bitches. "Yeah, I made a fucking mistake. You want to take it out of my fucking paycheck? Fuck you guys!" Oy. You know what? I'm not even going to bother counting the fucks as we go along anymore. I'll just put an update at the end of each paragraph. Fk=29.
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