Ahh, the triangle -- that most devilishly simple of all the geometric forms. It possesses merely three sides, three angles, three vertices, and one hundred and eighty degrees. And while the humble triangle may lack the elegant simplicity of the circle or the sly insouciance of the rhombus, it more than makes up for these failings through the sheer linguistic exuberance of its contribution to the mathematical vernacular (Obtuse! Hypotenuse! Isosceles! Pythagorean!). Did you know that some triangles are considered to be rational, while others are labeled irrational? Did you know that the triangle is the basic protein building block of the virus? Yep, that's right. Even the mighty SARS (with her deservedly legendary curves) is made mostly of triangles. In fact, structural engineers have long considered the triangle to be the strongest shape in nature. That's why suspension bridges look the way they do. Dramatists, however, know it to be the least stable structure in any relationship. That's why this week's episode of Six Feet Under looks the way it does. And so, without any further protracted protractor-related ado, let's get on with the recap.
Fade up on a what appears to be a coven of witches assembling a passel of tiny broomsticks for their local pee-wee Quidditch team (sponsored by Der Zauber Kasten, of course). Except it turns out that the broomsticks are actually hand-mops, and the "witches" are actually all the many polygamous wives of a cuddly David Koresh-type who goes by the only-slightly-less-creepy-than-it-sounds name of "Daddy." You'll have to forgive me for thinking they were witches, by the way, because the powerful dark influence of the occult seemed to be the only logical explanation for why they would all be tunelessly crooning America's "Horse With No Name" while they work. I sense the hand of Tsathoggua in all this. ["The presence of Amanda Foreman, who played a Wiccan on Felicity, is probably an unconscious cue also." -- Sars] Out back, meanwhile, Daddy himself is delivering a home-school mathematics lesson that only Vanessa could love to a brood of a dozen or so excessively cute ragamuffins. When one of them correctly calculates the amount of change that should be returned when a three-dollar hand mop is purchased with a "hundred-and-eleven-dollar bill," Dad declares the lesson to be over and sits everyone down to hear a few words of wisdom from "The Book of Daddy." The expected Vladimir Nabokov quote fails to materialize, however, and Daddy instead just suggests that "every day we must dance, if only in our minds." Incidentally, this guy looks as though he's just made a narrow escape from the set of A Mighty Wind, which is in itself a particularly apt metaphor for the gale force blast of hot air that he's spewing here. His proclamation comes complete with accompaniment from The Dramatic Synthesizer Of The Transcendent Wisdom Of The Crazy White People, which is distinguished from The Sagacious Wisdom Of The Ethnically Downtrodden by its peppy neo-hippie cheerfulness and a complete lack of hard-won, gritty urban realities (see Tracy the Annoying Funeral Stalker vs. Paco the Gang-Banger for further elaboration on this theme). In the end, Daddy dismisses his students and settles down into a comfortable lawn chair, where his eyes gently close and his silent death is noticed by only the cutest of his children. Farewell, Daddy. I can only hope the answer to the eternal "Who's your?" question awaits you on the other side.
The Ironic Segue Fairy pulls a familial fast one on us, as we fade from a dead Daddy to the grave of a dead mommy. Vanessa's dead mommy, to be exact. She's got the whole Diaz family there with her, and it appears that they've actually packed a picnic lunch to go sit beside the gravestone. Okay, that's a little creepy. Rico would seem to agree, because he suggests that visiting her mother's grave every single Sunday for four months might not be the healthiest way for Vanessa to express her grief. He wants to have a party instead. "I can't," replies Vanessa. "It feel like someone tore out my heart and fed it to dogs." Not to worry, though. Rico can always make her another one out of duct tape and some leftover pork chops. "You don't smile or laugh anymore," complains Rico. "You don't act like you." And then he brings out the really big guns: "You act like…you act like one of the Fishers!" Heh. Vanessa's look of horrified disgust is priceless, and she finally consents to let him take the boys to Knotts Berry Farm for the afternoon. Then she starts sobbing again. "I'm never going to see my mother again," she wails. "This is normal! I'm normal!" Uh, okay.
Formaldehyde Fortress. Nate and David are handling Daddy's intake, and it's not going very well. After ascertaining that Daddy's organization was called "The People," and that it's really more of a "family" than an organization, the brothers are shocked to learn that the five women standing before them were all Daddy's wives (or wives-to-be, which we'll get to later). The women's actual names are Eve, Abigail, Rachel, Rebecca, and Mary Jane, but for the sake of convenience, I've decided to dub them (from left to right) Bossy, Dopey, Greasy, Bashful, and Lolita. Bossy up offers a short prayer, and the others respond with a chorus of "Amen," "Selah," "We make it so," and "Let it be," which scores bonus giggle points for the odd pop-culture pairing of Paul McCartney and Jean-Luc Picard. David suggests having Daddy embalmed, and Bashful -- who is a "new soul" on her "first life" -- is forced to plead with her co-wives to preserve the body. The Book of Daddy delivers an impressive SttM score of 364 by way of argument with this notion ("The physical body is only tears, bones, and desire. You transcend. You don't preserve."), but Dopey and the others finally give in and consent to embalming. Bossy, however, wants to post sentries to guard the body. "There are government agents," explains Greasy. "Space forces are always following us," adds Bashful. Hee! I want a harem of unhygienic paranoids too, dammit! Oh, well. Bossy escorts the fully assembled family (kids included) out of the Fortress, and Lolita stops to flash Nate a peace sign and a nervous smile as she goes. That'll be important later.
Upstairs, Ruth pops into Arthur's room to deliver his laundry. And then they kiss! Just kidding. First, they talk a little and sniff the freshly washed sheets a few times. And then they kiss! Really! Incidentally, here's Ruth's version of a pick-up line: "Have you ever noticed your profile? You look like an emperor." Arthur's response? "Stop, you'll give me megalomania." Heh. The kiss itself (which was wholly instigated by Ruth) is just as awkward and squirm-inducing as you might expect, and it's hard to tell who's more embarrassed when they finally pull apart. I'm going to go with Ruth on that one, but only because she compounds her already uncharacteristic behavior here by muttering "Shit!" a few times as she sprints out of the room. "Language!" cries Arthur, as he marvels over the fact that his lips have finally touched another person, and, even more surprisingly, that the person was actually alive when it happened.
Down in the kitchen, Nate is explaining the whole concept of "The People" to Rico. We also learn that Greasy and Bashful are actually sisters. Ew. "You could do like a whole Warhol series, only with polygamous Mennonite concubines," offers Claire. And because it's Claire, I'll refrain from pointing out that concubines by definition can't be polygamous. On the other hand, "Make me your concubine, Lauren!" does have a nice ring to it. David further reports that "The People" live right down the street, and while Nate is disturbed by the idea that they're "neighbors with the Children of the fucking Corn," Rico is more worried about being alone down in The Body Shoppe with "sharp things and a Manson chick." Bwa! David also exposits out that he can't help with the embalming chores because tomorrow is "gay paintball day." Before anyone can inquire as to whether or not gay paintball requires rainbow-colored balls (or freshly shaven ones, for that matter), Ruth staggers into the kitchen and immediately heads for the refrigerator. She also says "shit" again, but no one gets to admonish her for swearing this time because there's suddenly a Boy Asking For Cheese there. No, really. That's what the credits call him. "Boy Asking For Cheese." Now there's an IMDb entry to be proud of.
Cut to the office, where David is on the phone discussing his gay paintball plans with his buddy Sears and Ho-Buck. In the background, meanwhile, Boy Who Has To Pee Really Badly performs a festive interpretive dance expressing his urgent need to urinate and his bitter disgust at not landing an credits-worthy speaking part of his very own. The Ho-Buck decides to invite himself and the Little White Sex Dork II along for paintball because he's not a "candy-ass," and because "everybody loves guns." Hmm. I never would have figured The Ho-Buck as a member of the Pink Pistols, but I guess you learn something new every day. There is, however, at least one caveat: "If we're showing skin, I have to go to the gym first." Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Shut up, Charlene Heston.
Art class. Olivier rants. Oy. It's all "blah blah this is supposed to be sexy? Blah bleh blank adolescent expressionism bling blech only religious fanatics with frozen shit up their asses could produce such horror blah blee real fucking would overthrow your government." Sigh. You get the idea. His taunting, as always, is particularly aimed at Russell and Claire. "You're eighteen!" he yells at them. "You should be consumed with sex! Everything that happens should make you want to fuck. Your flesh should be on fire all the time!" "It is," replies Claire, in a perfect deadpan tone. "Yeah," confirms Russell. Hee! Unfortunately, the image of Claire as a constant horn-dog has left me with an urgent need for a cold shower and a bitter disgust at my inability to devise a clever quip with which to end this paragraph, so you're all just going to have to excuse me for a few moments.
Okay. I'm back. That was…refreshing, I guess. Anyway, David and Keith are eating dinner, and David is cautiously confessing that his friends will be joining them for paintball. Keith takes this news much better than anyone would have expected, and that "anyone" obviously includes David, who is forced to further confess that he didn't want to tell Keith about this earlier because he was afraid Keith would "rip [his] head off." "I know, I should trust you more," he adds, but Keith is completely understanding about the whole thing. "We're getting better and better," opines a pleasantly impressed David, but Keith responds to that particular sentiment with nothing more than a Spock-like cocking of his eyebrow. Uh-oh.
Over at the Sinkhole de Maya (which is roughly the date on which you'll be reading this recap if I don't get my ass in gear), Lisa is haranguing Nate yet again about his break-up with Brenda. They're all in bed for the night, and as soon as Maya hears her mommy say the dreaded "B" word, she immediately starts squealing with disgust and trying to climb out of the family bed. Heh. Unfortunately, she's unable to break free of the massive gravitational vortex generated by her own cranium, so instead she's forced to just lie there and whine a lot. Hmm. Like mother, like daughter, I guess. Nate, meanwhile, is doing what any good husband would do when faced with an interrogation about his ex, which is to provide safe, noncommittal answers while simultaneously attempting to gnaw off his own arm so he can escape before things get ugly. Whoops! Too late. "Nate, that's way too clean," whinges Lisa in response to his claim that they just "walked away." "Break-ups are gory and humiliating. You get dumped like you're nothing, like you're fucking garbage. Then you crawl around in public with your bloody guts hanging out, crying all over total strangers on the bus." Now, that's odd. I always assumed that last part was what happens when your father dies, not when you break up with someone. "What? It wasn't me," adds Lisa helpfully, if not believably. "It was a friend." Um, okay. And while we're at it, I really hope that's a body mic and not her nipple that's causing the large oddly-shaped protrusion in her nightgown. Nate finally admits that things with Brenda were "seriously fucked up," and that it "fucking hurt" when they broke up, which for some strange reason appears to be exactly what Lisa wanted to hear. She gives him a quick kiss, and then they both lie there silently, presumably thinking very different thoughts about the state of their marriage.
Fading from the subtextual to the merely ridiculous, we go to The Body Shoppe, where Bashful is pulling guard duty and warding off the ever-present "space forces" with the mighty power of a Simon & Garfunkel ballad. Oh, if only Mulder had known. Fade to white.
Fade back up on skinheads with paintball guns. I could make a joke here, but the image really speaks for itself, I think. David, The Ho-Buck, and the LWSD II make their way over to registration, discussing the "psychic footprints" Keith seems to be leaving all over David's back as they go. The Ho-Buck, by the way, is wearing tight jeans and an ascot. That image speaks for itself as well. "We'd like to play with the other gay children," he announces to the director. "So is there like a Sears around here anywhere? Maybe a nice JC Penney?" Thankfully, there isn't, so we cut straight into the scene where their teams are being selected. Unfortunately, nobody wants to join up with David and his pals, because they're clearly "newbies" who are "stupid and weak, like kittens." That "nobody" obviously includes Keith, because he's purposely joined the opposing team and refuses to listen to David's pleas for him to make a switch. This prompts David to call a little sidebar, and the two head over for a quick private conversation wherein David discovers that gay paintball day is actually Keith's clever method of exacting retribution for his humiliation at the hands of "the leading ladies." "Welcome to MY party, baby," teases Keith. "Bitch, you set me up!" answers David. Heh. When the guy running the game realizes that no one wants to switch on their own, he dismisses one of Keith's friends and calls over a guy named "Sarge" to "even things up." For the record, Sarge looks exactly like what would have happened if Chris Meloni and Ron Livingston had ever met, fallen in love, and somehow found a way to produce offspring while confined in some godforsaken World War II-era prison camp. Now there's a lovely image for the ladies. And many of the men, as well.
Everyone is then given five minutes to scout out the playing field, but David and his friends end up using most of that time just ogling the Sarge with looks of barely concealed lust. All those people who later thought Keith forced David into that threesome should definitely take note of his expression here. Keith, on the other hand, uses his time to go all Colonel Kurtz on our collective ass as he squats in a rice paddy and smears orange paint all over his face. And then we're off, with the chorus kids pinned down behind a small wooden board as paint splatters all over the other side. The Ho-Buck wants to leave and go to Magic Mountain "like normal fags," but David is more interested in moving to some cover he's spotted a few meters away. "I can't do metric conversion in combat!" whines the LWSD II. Well, that's okay. I can't even do it in math class, so I wouldn't get too worried about it. I don't care what anyone says, the rest of the world is stupid. David insists that they move out, but the other two aren't interested, and continue cowering behind the board.
Claire, meanwhile, finds herself deep in enemy territory as she arrives at Olivier's house with Russell in tow. They giggle about their professor's shoddy housekeeping habits, and actually find themselves engaged in a brief debate about the differences between stale hummus and aged baba ghanoush. They're unable to reach any definitive conclusions before Olivier makes his grand entrance, however, and he fixes them with a smarmy stare as he announces, "You brought your shadow." "He's not my shadow," replies Claire. "Mine either," adds Foreshadowing, as he wipes a thick layer of grease from Russell's brow, thereby allowing us to notice that Russell seems to have thought Olivier might have been talking to him with that remark. Olivier blahs a bit about the ways in which Americans choose to name their towns, and then orders Claire to drive out to some tiny little village named Azusa ("Everything from A to Z in the USA") to pick up a sculpture from one of his former students. Then he wonders aloud about just what exactly it is that he's been eating all this time. "Taste this," he orders Russell, before shoving it into the boy's mouth without giving him a chance to say no. Wow. Propriety prevents me from making the obvious "I bet this isn't the first time that's happened" joke here, but I know you guys well enough to know that you're way ahead of me on that one anyway. Claire reluctantly accepts her assignment, but when she tries to bring Russell along with her, Olivier demands that he stay behind to help him "organize [his] monographs." So that's what the kids are calling it these days. "What would you do in Asuza anyhow?" he asks. "Um, fuck?" replies Claire, as I fire up another cold shower. She departs, leaving Olivier and Russell to stare awkwardly at each other. "I love her, too," confesses Olivier. Yep. That sounds about right. Everybody loves Lauren. Maybe she should move to Utah.
Paintball. Just so you know, all of these scenes are accompanied by dramatic, military-sounding music and anything else the director can think of (short of the Saving Private Ryan shaky-cam) to make them seem more combative and exciting. It also serves to make the chorus kids (David excepted) seem that much more wussy by comparison. In any case, the first casualty of the afternoon turns out to be David, who gets hit in the ass by some friendly fire courtesy of The Ho-Buck. "Sorry!" shouts The LWSD II, as they all duck for cover behind a row of sandbags. "I thought you were enemy ass." Despite the possibility that he'll "be known as a wiper for the rest of [his] life," David decides to cheat and discard his paint-splattered jacket so that he can continue playing. Just then, one of the opposing team members bolts from cover to attack, and David actually manages to shoot the guy right in the forehead. We'll forget for a moment that Keith's friends are likely to be cops who would never do anything that stupid in combat, and instead just focus instead on the fact that David can quite clearly be seen NOT pulling the trigger in the shot where he's supposed to be firing. Oh, well. At least Keith shows up to save the day, as he stalks along the edge of the battlefield, hunting for prey. "Come on, you fa-la-la mimosa motherfuckers," he grunts. Heh. Sarge suddenly appears beside David and crew to rally the troops, and they're soon huddled around him to devise a plan. Sarge, by the way, thinks it's "cool" that David is a "wiper." He would.
Over at The Boredello, Lisa and Dana are spending a quiet afternoon pondering the finer points of stalking your husband's ex-girlfriend. Dana once spent $150 on the internet to research one of Todd's former paramours, and even though she never quite figured out why he loved her, she was able to obtain "the serial numbers on her breast implants." Ahh, the power of Google. Lisa is all in a tizzy because she feels like Nate is constantly comparing her to a woman she doesn't even know. "It's because I'm curious," she explains. "Not because I think Brenda's going to take Nate away from us." "Nate adores Maya," replies Dana. "He would never leave." Ooh, burn. Even Lisa caught that one. There's some more stalk-talk, and then Lisa admits that she knows where Brenda works. "Oh, wow," replies Dana, who looks like she knows that she's wandered into Crazyland here.
Fortunately, we're interrupted by a paintball scene before Dana is forced to emulate Nate and start gnawing at her own arm to get away. This one features The LWSD II and The Ho-Buck employing various devious methods to take out two of their opponents. The LWSD II feigns death and takes advantage of a gullible adversary who really should have known better. The Ho-Buck, however, chooses to verbally taunt his foe into submission by calling her "Agnes Moorehead," and a "flannel-shirt, mullet-head dyke," which, though rude, is actually fairly accurate. When she jumps out to attack, he nails her right in the mullet, causing her to bellow in anger that he's nothing but a "cocksucking pansy." "Now go away," he replies, "or I shall taunt you a second time."
Back at The Boredello, Lisa scores an appointment for a massage with Brenda by name-dropping Sherry Lansing. Yeah. Because no one in Hollywood has ever heard that one before. She also gives her named as "Dana Todd." Heh.
Paintball. David and Sarge crouch beside a tree and discuss David's relationship with Keith. Sarge is clearly flirting. David is clearly oblivious to this fact. Moving on.
Formaldehyde Fortress. Ruth is laying out a platter of cheese and crackers when Arthur wanders into the kitchen. "I've been talking to a couple of…'The People,'" he says. "They have some interesting beliefs." "They certainly believe in dairy," answers Ruth. "All the little ones beg for cheese." Hee! "Cows are sacred to them," explains Arthur, before launching into a lengthy description of how the concept of "romantic love" was invented by a man named Petrarch in the fourteenth century. Yeah. I don't understand the relevance of that either. He haltingly informs Ruth that her friendship means a great deal to him, but that going any further would be unprofessional of him. "Please don't kiss me again," he insists, and Ruth promises that she never will. In fact, she even says "never" twice. And then they kiss! No, really. She plants another one right on his lips, forcing him to dash out of the room as quickly as his stubbly little legs will carry him. Now, see? That right there is my problem with this entire subplot. This is a woman who wouldn't even pick up her own granddaughter a few weeks ago after having been specifically given permission, and here she is shoving her tongue down the throat of a man who specifically forbid her from doing so not ten seconds before. And we've seen nothing at all this year to explain such a transformation. Are we really to believe that Kathy Bates and a stolen tube of lipstick are responsible for her decidedly un-Ruth-like behavior? Hell, she hasn't even visited The Formaldehyde Fortress Sun Room Of Personal Introspection yet this season. I don't care about their ages, I don't care how ridiculous Arthur's character is if you stop and think about him for more than a few seconds -- I just want Ruth to start acting like Ruth again, dammit. Which she promptly does here, as she saves the entire scene by handing the plate of cheese to some kids and declaring, "You'll have to help yourselves. I'm out of control." Now that's the blurting Ruth we all know and love.
Paintball. Keith is still on the prowl, and he's so dedicated to his quest for vengeance that he even kills a teammate who tries to get in his way. Finally, he comes across The Ho-Buck and The LWSD II discussing Survivor, and takes great pleasure in growling "Jeanne…Tripplehorn" as he fires a round into each of their chests. It seems that revenge is a dish best served cold, and with a bok choi garnish.
The Body Shoppe. Rico is embalming Daddy (StC = 1,727) as Dopey sits by and watches silently. The tension is broken when Rico's cell phone rings, and he picks up to find a school nurse on the other end of the line. Apparently no one was answering at the Diaz house, and the school has a "public health emergency," so they decided to try calling Rico at work. "Is Julio sick?" he asks urgently. "Not exactly," replies the nurse. "But someone needs to pick him up right away. He has a raging case of head lice." Ew. Although considering some of the dire predictions we've been making about Julio this year, the lice seem to be letting him off pretty easy. Unless they're killer lice, of course, like the ones Khan had in that Star Trek movie. That would be cool.
Azusa. Claire arrives to pick up the sculpture Olivier wanted, only the woman artist she's supposed to be getting it from has no idea what she's talking about. Said artist is also obviously lonely and desperate for company, because she begs Claire to hang out for a while. "You're a really white person," she wheedles. "The desert is dangerous for you. It's like driving in a microwave." But I thought her flesh was supposed to be burning?
More paintball. David and Sarge hide out behind some sandbags, and get hilariously overdramatic as they contemplate how they're going to take down Keith. "I think I can get him," says Sarge, "but…" "One of us will have to die," finishes David, as he agrees to be the sacrificial lamb. "You really think you can put an end to this?" he asks Sarge. "I know I can," comes the answer. "Even if I'm shot, I guaran-damn-tee you I'll take him with me to hell!" Cue dramatic music, and…scene.
Azusa again. Claire and Art Lady have settled down for a little conversation, the low-light of which comes when Art Lady actually uses the word "art" as a verb. She also admits to having been Olivier's assistant herself back in the day, an experience she describes thusly: "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!" Wow. It's a close call, but that might actually be an SFU record for most the fucks in a single sentence. It certainly pegged my Fk counter to the red line. Claire quickly clarifies that she's not fucking Olivier, causing Art Lady to cock an eyebrow and inquire, "Oh, is he having a boy year?" Dun dun DUN! Claire starts to look a little nervous as she remembers that Russell is back in L.A., all alone with Olivier. Is he getting some play, or is Russell really not gay? Who can say?
Paintball. With David and Sarge camped out on the outskirts of Baghdad, it looks like the final battle has arrived. They've got Keith caught in a crossfire, but the Big Black Sex Cop remains ever-defiant. "I can take you both!" he brags, and if the editing is to be believed, he actually can. David bolts out from behind a bush, yelling that he doesn't feel like "talking" right now, and then everything goes into slow-motion as Keith shoots his boyfriend in the chest and then pirouettes to take out Sarge just as Sarge fires his own gun. Keith shot first, so his team wins, but everyone ends up dead together in The Matrix: Reservoir (Dogs)-style bullet-time. And then the whistle blows, and the game is over. If you're really quick, you can spot The Ho-Buck braiding a girl's hair in the background as he waits on the sidelines. It's not the Mullet-Head Dyke, though, which would have been even funnier. Oh, well.
I guess Brenda is no longer working out of her home, because Lisa is waiting for her in a small massage studio somewhere. She's also wearing a giant robe (StR = 1,974) and looking extremely nervous about what she's gotten herself into here. I am too, but only because this massage room reminds me of the one on The Mind of the Married Man, and I'm starting to have some really serious post-traumatic stress flashbacks. Maybe I need another cold shower. Fortunately, Brenda enters at this point, and seeing as how she's neither topless nor Asian, the dread I'm feeling slowly begins to subside. Of course, we're almost immediately teased with the prospect of a Lisa nude scene as she disrobes to climb onto the table, but I can just focus on Lauren to get me through that one.
And while Lisa is off stalking Brenda, Nate remains blissfully oblivious back in his office. He's in there "working" when he notices the youngest of Daddy's harem (Lolita) standing in the doorway watching him. I should probably mention that she wasn't actually one of his wives (Daddy was crazy all right, but he was good-crazy and wise to the hidden ways of our universe, and not bad-crazy like a pedophile), although she was certainly being groomed for the role during that opening scene. They exchange pleasantries, which culminates in Lolita explaining that Daddy only died in "this place," but that "he's fine if you step a little this way and squint." Um, okay. She also reveals that "he was Daddy, but he wasn't [her] daddy." If you know what she means, that is, and I think that you do. "Do you like cheese?" she non-sequiturs. Nate is nonplussed, but he manages to answer in the affirmative. Then he gives a whole list of the cheeses he likes, which includes cheddar, Colby, Muenster, Monterey jack with jalapeno, and Brie. Lolita's never heard of Brie, by the way, which would seem to indicate that she doesn't spend a lot of time hanging out at The Bada Bing. That's probably for the best. In the background, meanwhile, Boy Who Can't Find His Shoes and Girl Who Serves As An Allusion To Nate's Aborted Children keep wandering in and out of the room. Lolita finally offers Nate the hand mop she's been fiddling with this whole time, and creepily tells announces, "I'm almost a woman now," before running away with her schoolgirl crush tucked between her legs. Ew. And aww. Hmm. Maybe she just likes him because his hair resembles the mop. Who knows?
The Six Feet Under Season of Massage continues as we come back to find Brenda massaging Lisa's uterus. Metaphorically speaking, of course. In actual physical terms, she's much closer to her spleen. For some reason this causes Lisa to start bawling, which is Brenda's cue to start delivering her standard line of psychobabble about how "there are places we store trauma" and "our cells know what we go through." I guess I should just be thankful she's not running her fingers through Nate's chest hair while she says it. Ooh! I wonder how she'll react when she discovers that he's shaved most of it off? That should be interesting. "My life has never been so good," sobs Lisa. "I have a beautiful baby, I'm happily married." "You're lucky," replies a surprisingly tender Brenda. Lisa takes a few deep breaths, and then offers the opinion that Brenda looks sad. "I'm not so lucky," Brenda says. "Not lately." She pushes Lisa back onto the table, and starts rubbing her temples as she continues speaking. "I wouldn't change anything. If you change one thing, that changes everything. Some things are the way they should be." This gives Lisa the peace of mind she's been so desperately seeking, and she finally manages to relax on the table. It's also probably an oblique Schrödinger's Cat reference, although I still think it's pretty unlikely that we'll be revisiting that particular storyline anytime soon. In any case, Brenda and Lisa's first meeting was a much quieter affair than I had been expecting. Judging from the previews for the episode, however, that's about to change.
Formaldehyde Fortress. Ruth is polishing her silver in the dining room when Bossy stops by for a little chat. They discuss the various pieces for a while, which are all in the same pattern that Bossy's mother used to have in "another life." Then Ruth asks about what it's like to share a man who has three other wives, and Bossy delivers a fairly feministic justification for the practice of polygamy. I'm sure Gloria Steinem would totally approve. Both Bossy and Ruth spy Arthur trying to sneak past the open doorway, which leads Bossy to offer up some wisdom from the "Bring 'Em Young" chapter of The Book of Daddy. "Time doesn't tell the truth about our souls," she says. "We're all children when we truly love." Then she further informs Ruth that men "don't know what they want. That's why we have to choose." Ruth ponders this idea silently, and then decides that if it's good enough for the polygamous Mennonite concubine, then it's good enough for her. But we'll get to that part in a little bit.
Rico, meanwhile, has picked up Julio from school and brought him home to a house that's a total pigsty. He sends the boy off to go sit in the bathtub, and then turns to find Vanessa stumbling out of the bedroom and wiping the sleep from her eyes. He immediately starts yelling at her, telling her that the kids have lice "like a dirty pig convict," and that she's stopped being their mother because she's so depressed all the time. Vanessa's only reply? "If he has lice then we're just going to have to move." Hee! I bet Vanessa is a lot of fun to write for. Even Rico rolls his eyes at that one, but instead of muttering a simple "Shut up, Vanessa," he instead sits down beside his wife to kindly offer to get her some help. "Can you forgive me?" she asks. "Of course I forgive you," he answers. Aww. Annoying people in love are so cute.
Olivier's house. Claire has finally made it back from the desert, and she's not at all happy to have wasted an entire day on this little enterprise. Things get even worse, however, when she finds Russell on the sofa with a pillow over his crotch and Olivier getting dressed in the other room. Hmm. She tries valiantly to drag Russell out of there, but Olivier complains that she was supposed to take the sculpture to the school, and informs them that he can't do it because he's "dining with the provost at Patina." "Well, I'm dining with my boyfriend at Taco Bell," replies Claire, who also takes this as a perfect opportunity to quit her job as Olivier's assistant. "All I do is run personal errands for you," she shouts, "and I feel like it's taking too much time away from my own work." Oy. Three hours in the car and that's the best reason she could come up with? I'd have at least thrown a crack about his perpetual stubble in there. At any rate, all this nastiness has apparently caused Russell's erection to subside, because he discards the pillow and joins Claire as they head for the door. "Have a nice night!" calls Olivier. "And try kissing him just behind the ear. He loves that!"
Crate & Quarrel. Keith, David, Sarge, and the Chorus Kids are all enjoying a post-paintball beer bash. Sarge and Keith, however, seem to be enjoying it way more than anyone else, because they're totally blitzed and sprawled out on the sofa. "They may be hell on the battlefield," teases the LWSD II, "but they don't have much party stamina." "And they call us choirboys," adds David. "It's sweet." The Chorus Kids have to leave to attend a engagement, and David escorts them out the door as he casts a skeptical eye on his drunken boyfriend. Once they're alone in the apartment, the manly men on the couch start talking about whether or not either of them has ever seen real combat. They both say no, and Keith totally neglects to mention the time he shot a guy for no good reason. Then Sarge lights up a joint, and believe it or not, Keith actually decides to take a few hits. Even after everything he went through with Karla, it seems no one can escape the all-powerful lure of sweet, sweet sensimilla in this, our Alan Ball world. "I like David," admits Sarge. "Be careful, somebody might take him away." Keith just laughs at this notion, and suggests that Sarge go right ahead and try. "I live down in La Habra," continues The Sarge. "I didn't mean to do it, but I'm too wasted to drive." Being both well-versed in the mating clichés of the gay (and straight, for that matter) lifestyle, Keith and Sarge just crack up laughing at how obvious a line that really is.
Upstairs, David and Keith settle into bed. Keith is all fired up and ready for some action, but David isn't so sure. "You killed me today," he mock-pouts. "You loved it," answers Keith, as he pulls him into a kiss. Suddenly David freezes, and Keith turns to see Sarge, framed in the doorway with his little corporal at parade rest in his tighty-whities. "It's cold out there," he says. "Got room for me?" Keith and David exchange a silent don't ask-don't tell sort of look, and then Keith answers in the affirmative. Sarge climbs onto the bed, and we quickly fade to white. And I know some of you weren't sure if David was really into this idea, but my take on his expression here is that he totally was, but just didn't want to admit it. He's totally working that furrowed-brow/bedroom eyes thing he does whenever he's turned on, and he definitely was checking Sarge out earlier in the day. I also know that many of you were disappointed that we faded to white without seeing any action, but it's getting pretty close to my deadline at this point, so I'm afraid I can't spare you much sympathy.
Fade up on the morning, as David comes downstairs to discover the highly domestic tableau of Sarge cooking eggs while Keith relaxes with a cup of coffee. Everything about this scene is totally perfect, from David's bed-head to the awkward morning-after chit-chat ("So, Sarge, will you be paint-balling today?") to the sarcastically knowing looks David and Keith keep exchanging. Sarge blithely makes himself at home, and even orders David to scoot over a bit so that he can grab a spot at the table. Keith is totally enjoying his partner's discomfort throughout it all, and even risks a quick wink when Sarge asks for "the funnies." Heh. Of course, I wonder if they'd be feeling so superior if they knew Sarge was kicking both their asses in the "Which SFU Character Would Entice You Into An Airport Closet" thread. Then again, the mind fairly boggles at the notion that anyone would be willing to follow a Chris Keller look-alike into a closet, but that's a different story.
Over at The Fortress, Daddy's funeral is in full swing. Bossy, Dopey, Greasy, and Bashful take turns quoting subtextually relevant passages from The Book of Daddy, and Nate, David, Rico, and Ruth each learn a valuable lesson from The Transcendent Wisdom of The Crazy White People. Afterwards, Ruth helps everyone clean up, and even gushes a little bit about how much she came to like "The People." "At least they practice what they preach," she tells everyone. "'The People' won't kill any living creature. They've all had lice for years. We'll have to boil everything, but I don't care." Heh. And also, whoops! Rico is shocked to discover that he's the one who brought the bugs home, and we can now all add lice to list of things -- like cock-piercing and shorn scrotums -- that can actually shut Rico up.
In the living room, meanwhile, Claire and Russell are curled up on the couch watching TV. For the first time in recent memory, the show they're watching doesn't appear to provide any direct meta-commentary on their plotline. I'm probably just missing something, though. "Did Olivier, like, make a move on you?" asks Claire out of nowhere. Russell freaks so badly that he practically jumps off the sofa when he hears this, but he's quick to deny any possible contact with their professor. A little too quick, if you ask me, especially when he asserts that he obviously couldn't be gay simply because he's her boyfriend. Man, he's lying so badly that Claire doesn't even seem to believe him, and there's no one on this Earth that's more gullible when it comes to men than our trusting little red-haired lass. She does, however, stop prodding him about it, and after wiping his Soul-Glo slime trail off the nearby cushion, she cuddles up beside him and lays her head on his shoulder. Russell strokes her hair and displays a worried expression that obviously indicates that he's either trying to convince himself that he's straight, or just wondering what this mysterious "shampoo" stuff people keep telling him about is real or simply a myth.
Out at The Taj Banal, Nate enters to find Lisa getting dressed in front of the mirror. He compliments her by saying that she looks good, and in all fairness, this is about the prettiest we've ever seen Lili Taylor look on this show. They've usually got her dressed down all the time, so it's a bit of a surprise to see her in make-up and jewelry. "You know, I could fuck you where you stand," he says. "Or maybe we could go out to my car. Ooh! I know! Let's do it on those pebbles in the driveway. You like rocks, right?" Lisa turns to face him, and cryptically proclaims, "You're lucky I love you," before moving in for a kiss. I'm not really sure how she defines "lucky" in this instance, and I have a sinking feeling we're going to be finding out pretty soon.
And finally, we head down to The Body Shoppe, where Arthur is doing some late-night mopping. Emboldened by her encounter with the polygamous Mennonite concubines, Ruth follows him down there and gives a little monologue about her feelings. "I care for you, Arthur," she says solemnly. "I care for your music. I care for your hankies. I won't pretend I don't. That would be a lie. If you want me to leave you alone, I will. But that's your choice. Because I choose you." It's totally sweet, but I'll never in my life be able to hear the phrase "I choose you" without thinking of Ralph Wiggam, so some of the poignancy is lost. It's not lost on Arthur, however, because he listens silently to all this and then informs Ruth that in addition to inventing romantic love, Petrarch also started the Renaissance. I still don't get what that has to do with anything, except for the obvious anvil that Ruth is experiencing a mid-life love renaissance of her own. They slowly move across the room to each other, but instead of kissing, Arthur just chooses to rub his head against hers for a while. Damn, that boy is a freak. And as they nuzzle beside the embalming table like a pair of really creepy horses in love, we slowly fade to white. See you week!
Alan Ball: [Splat.]
Aaron: Ow!
Alan Ball: [Splat.]
Aaron: Hey!
Alan Ball: [Splat. Splat. Splat.]
Aaron: Come on! Cut it out. You made your point.
Alan Ball: Sorry.
Aaron: Thank you.
Alan Ball: [Splat.]
Aaron: Get out. Now.