Nobody Sleeps

Previously, on Six Feet Under: Nate was tormented by visions of his future, David was concerned about the inappropriate familial intimacy of his sister-in-law, Claire was mauled by man-eating tigers, and giant sandworms ruled the Earth!

Wait. That's not right. Let's try that again.

Previously, on Six Feet Under: Nate had issues with sex and his mother, Ruth had a happy ending at the local massage parlor, David took delight in detailing a bizarre sexual practice that involves sticking small pieces of metal into places they don't really belong, and giant sandworms ruled the Earth!

Eh. Close enough. It's my fifth recap in seven days, people. "Nobody Sleeps," indeed.

Fade up on a group of middle-aged men, laughing and joking as they administer the MST3K treatment to a late-night showing of The Bad Seed. This week's opening death seems almost calculated to tug directly at the heartstrings of your erstwhile recapper, as I contemplate the prospect of growing old and dying peacefully amongst a crowd of my snarky soulmates. I suppose there are worse ways to go. In fact, I've recapped quite a few of them. Seated in the center of this gathering are Kevin, who could totally be Chris Cooper from Adaptation if he would just smear some black shoe polish on a few of his teeth, and Kevin's lover Robert, who is wrapped in a blanket with an oxygen tube running to his nose. Be sure to note the prominent attention given to a found pair of shoes in this movie clip, by the way. That will be important later. At some point during the showing, Robert silently stiffens just the slightest little bit, and Almost Chris Cooper (or ACC, seeing as how it's Final Four week this week) slowly comes to realize that his partner has died. That doesn't stop the rest of their friends from continuing to rag on the movie, however, and it probably won't stop me from doing it either. Farewell, Robert Lamar Griffin. At least you weren't brutally murdered by a psychotic little girl.

Okay, I've seen a lot of disturbing things in my recapping career, and every time a fresh new horror crops up, I give a little spiel about how I've seen a lot of disturbing things in my recapping career and then announce that whatever nasty little vision I've just been a party to this time is officially the worst one ever. Well, this is officially the worst one ever. Nate wakes up in bed with Lisa (and without Maya, for that matter), but when he reaches over to try for some of that early-morning, ber-gentle loving he's been so desperately craving, Lisa suddenly morphs into Ruth and starts cooing like a really horny pigeon. Yeah. Like I said, it's officially the worst one ever. Throw in a few ducks to fly away with his penis, and I'll be in therapy for years just for having watched it. Nate finally jerks awake a second time, and we see that not only is Maya still sleeping in their bed, but she's also strategically placed to provide maximum separation between Nate and his wife. Ahh, poor Nate. He even shaved his chest, and he still can't get laid.

Cut to later, with Nate feeding Maya at the breakfast table and Lisa product-placing Whole Foods, as she's often wont to do. You know, for all the crap I give the kid about her freakishly large noggin, the little girl playing Maya is actually a pretty decent actress for an infant her age. It must be a side effect of the increased cranial capacity or something, because I don't even like babies and their ilk, and yet she's still managing to charm me a bit here. Anyway, when Nate -- his hair drooping languidly with the metaphorical weight of some truly massive unresolved oedipal issues -- learns that Lisa is planning to throw a birthday party for his mother the night, he informs her with a tone of weary, bemused patronization that no one ever does anything to celebrate his mother's birthdays, and that's the way everyone likes it. Lisa is horrified by the notion that an idea of hers might be even a smidgen less than perfect, but she manages to constrain her freak-out into a few minor eye-rolls and a question about whether or not Ruth likes Sarah McLachlan. Nate rolls his own eyes at that suggestion, although given his mother's expressed fondness for Joni Mitchell, I don't really think it's too far out of line.

The impending birthday bash proves to be a topic of breakfast-based conversation at any number of locations, as David and Keith sip coffee in front of CNN and discuss the invitation they've just received. David indignantly repeats Nate's claim that no one ever does anything for Ruth's birthday, but Keith figures that going to the party would be more fun than staying home and watching porn. That's a questionable assumption at best, I would think, but David seems resigned to attending nonetheless. "That reminds me," adds Keith. "You gotta return The Gaytrix to Video West." Hee! Jokes about David's porn habit never fail to crack me up, but still. The Gaytrix? Was that really the best title they could come up with? What about U-469? The Legend of Tea-Bagger Vance? Hell, what about Tranny Get Your Gun, for God's sack? And just because I believe in always citing my sources, I'll tell you that the website I Googled to find those titles (gaydvdempire.com) proudly features the Six Feet Under Season One DVD set, right there on the very same home page that also offers copies of Jet Set Fraternity Gangbang, Bareback Barracks Buddies, and The Rules of Attraction.

Cut to a fish tank, which has one of those bubbling air filters lying on the gravel, only this one is fashioned to look like an inordinately large set of smiling, disembodied lips and teeth. That seemed unnecessarily surreal on the first viewing, and now that I know we're in a dentist's office for this scene it's actually even more disturbing for some reason. Obviously intent on proving that her sons' assertions about not celebrating her birthday are accurate, Ruth has decided to spend her special day getting a root canal or some such. She's also brought Kathy Bates along for the ride, presumably to provide the kind of companionship that only Kathy can. Example: "Somebody want to tell me why I should give a rat's ass what's in Salma Hayek's purse?" Um, because there's a really good Edward Norton joke in there somewhere, even if I just can't find it right now? The ladies discuss the upcoming festivities that Lisa is planning for them, and then Kathy reveals that Ruth's sister Sarah has been gallivanting around in rehab with an unnamed celebrity who once "fucked Michael Douglas." Hmm. Is it Sharon Stone? Kathleen Turner? Or is this where that Edward Norton joke has been hiding all this time? Frustrated with the long wait they've had to endure, Kathy gets up to Kathy the receptionist, who's played by Buffy's demon former college roommate. I'm sure the actress has a name, but this is TWoP, and here she'll forever be Buffy's demon former college roommate. I'm sure her parents are very proud. Ruth eventually has to physically drag Kathy out of the office to prevent things from getting out of hand, although she does humorously insist that she'll call to reschedule at a more convenient time.

Das Sargzimmer. ACC is there with Nate and David to make arrangements for his partner's funeral, because he was told by members of the Gay Men's Chorus that Fisher & Diaz might "be more open to accommodating certain requests." He provides some detail on his relationship with the deceased, which lasted for twenty-two years before the DGDJ (who, like ACC, was a stage designer for the L.A. Opera) died essentially of a "bleeding heart." He also reveals for some reason that they both "fucked like bunnies" during the seventies. Everyone oddly seems to be swallowing a lot in this scene, by the way, although I'm assuming that it's unrelated to the details of ACC's sexual conquests. We then cut down to Rico in the Body Shop, where the exact nature of ACC's special request is finally revealed. He wants to turn the slumber room into an opera set for the funeral, and he's willing to pay good money to make sure that it happens. Rico isn't particularly thrilled by this idea (at least until he hears the part about the money, that is), and he takes a moment to reminisce about the one time he and Vanessa actually went to the opera themselves. "It was so completely whacked," he gushes. "There was like this magic mirror, you know, and this dead swan, and, like, a bleeding spear" "Parsifal," interjects David, correctly identifying the performance. Which is fortunate, incidentally, because it was really starting to sound like an episode of The X-Files I saw once. "Yeah!" continues Rico. "And they had these flower chicks who were supposed to be hot, but they were, like, major wide-loads. And these lame-ass knights, they were, like, prancing around and singing at the top of their lungs." This last bit is accompanied by Rico doing a bit of prancing himself, and this apparently sets off David finely calibrated homophobia detector, because he angrily accuses Rico of not wanting to do the funeral because "it's too gay." That's not really the sense I (or anyone else in the forums) got from what Rico was saying, but whatever. "These guys were together for twenty-two years," proclaims David, as he stomps out of the room, "and we're going to show them the respect that they deserve." Rico just stands there, looking for all the world like he's wondering if anyone managed to get the license plate of the rainbow-colored truck that just hit him.

Okay, I've seen a lot of disturbing things in my recapping career, and every time a fresh new horror crops up I give a little spiel about how I've seen a lot of disturbing things in my recapping career and then announce that whatever nasty little vision I've just been a party to this time is officially the worst one ever. Well, this is officially the worst one ever. I really, really, REALLY did not need to see a topless Ruth Fisher moaning in orgasmic ecstasy on a padded massage table. Seriously, people. I love Frances Conroy like the slightly deranged, massively repressed mother that I actually already have, but she still really needs to keep her clothes on and her moans to herself. I'm begging you. Anyway, she and Kathy have gone in for a massage, and it's actually the first one Ruth has ever had in her life, because she normally doesn't like "to be touched by strangers." As her muscles loosen, however, so do her inhibitions, and she's soon confessing to Kathy about her affair with Ed Begley Jr. Hmm. Well, I guess if that's not enough to nip this incipient friendship in the bud and send Kathy screaming into the hills, nothing will be. "Way to go Fisher!" she Kathys, before revealing that she cheated herself on husband number two with his gastroenterologist. "For some reason I thought that would really hurt him," she explains. "But he just laughed at me. I will always hate him for that." Ahh, Kathy. Don't you know? That only works when the gastroenterologist is also his cousin. There's some more moaning from Ruth at this point, and then we fade to white. Or maybe that's just the afterimage of the burning pokers I just shoved into my eyes.

Formaldehyde Fortress. David and Nate swing by the slumber room to check out the progress on the set that's being constructed. After David uses some more of his eclectic opera knowledge to clear up Nate's confusion about the set's Asian theme (Puccini was Italian, but Turandot is set in China), ACC comes over to chat the two of them up a bit. "Bob was much more of a formalist than I am," he tells them. "But I think he would have liked it." "I know he would have liked THAT," he adds, scoping out a nearby worker. "You could serve breakfast off that ass." Heh. ACC goes on at great length about the legendary sexual prowess of the DGDJ, leaving David somewhat disquieted and Nate displaying nothing more than amused nonchalance. "How did they ever last for twenty-two years?" wonders David, once ACC takes off to provide some personalized construction instruction to the owner of the aforementioned Egg McMuffin Ass. "It's easy when you get to fuck whoever you want all the time," replies Nate, who really should know better than almost anyone just how untrue that statement really is. The scene ends with ACC telling Mr. Moons Over My Hammy to "hand me that Makita." Which, of course, sounds just like "Mikado," thereby making it about as close as this world of ours will ever get to a truly effective power-tool/opera pun.

Upstairs in the kitchen, Claire is feeding Maya while Lisa works at the sink. They're discussing JP and all his "squirrelly" ways, and Lisa has this sage dating advice to offer: "Nate used to be like that. Sometimes you just have to hang in there and wait." "Wait for what?" wonders Claire. "For them to grow up," answers Lisa. Aww. See? Lauren even makes Lisa likable. She's just that good, people. Ruth enters the kitchen, and demands to be put to work because she'd rather be busy than sitting around. Personally, I think she just likes wearing the apron, and she ties one around her waist as Claire apologizes repeatedly for the fact that she has to attend a seminar for her art class that evening. Lisa, of course, has a minor hissy fit right there at the sink when she discovers that Claire won't be attending her perfect (perfect!) party. Oh, well. So much for likable. She does, however, save herself somewhat when Ruth mentions that chickpeas give her gas and Lisa mutters under her breath, "This is an unusually gassy family." Hee! Ruth compliments Lisa's dress with the boundless good cheer of someone who's just recently had an orgasmic experience, and even comes over to give her an apron of her own to protect it. The scene's big punchline comes when Nate enters the kitchen and both mother and daughter-in-law turn to greet him, complete with identical hair-dos, aprons, and facial expressions. Heh. I think Nate might be calling Melfi at any moment.

Down in The Body Shop, David and Rico unwrap the DGDJ's body (StC = 963, but I'm also awarding twenty-seven bonus points to mark the length of the extended extreme close-up we get of the deceased's pierced genitalia. That's what brought the episode up to a full A). Both he and Rico are shocked to discover a giant metal ring implanted in the tip of the guy's phallus. "Now is that supposed to enhance pleasure?" asks Rico. "And for who?" "Apparently it worked for Queen Victoria," answers David. "It's called a Prince Albert. She liked him to wear tight pants. The ring was attached to a strap on his thigh, thus enabling a smooth trouser line." Heh. David would so totally kick ass on Gay Jeopardy. Rico also wants to know what the deal is with all the bodies he's seen lately where the guy has shaved his balls. David ponders his partner's newfound inquisitiveness for a moment, and then relishes the discomfort he causes by replying, "Actually, it makes them more sensitive. You know, for oral stimulation? And besides, no one likes getting pubic hair stuck in their teeth." Well, there you have it, my friends. Rico has finally been shut up. Be sure to savor the moment while it lasts. David certainly is. "Do you want to ask me if I shave my balls?" he continues. "I'm happy to tell you. I am, and I do -- shave, that is. I have to, actually. Lots of hair down there. Keith doesn't. And there really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, of course. It's breathtaking, actually. Anything else you want to know?" Bwa! But really, I don't know why David is so upset about all this. I mean, Rico could have said something a whole lot worse. After all, he could have asked David if he'd ever had Prince Albert in his can. You see what I mean?

Hey, look! It's Shrug! Which is odd, because I actually hated that show, and yet he'll always be Shrug to me. Besides, I can't really reference his turn on Sex and The City, because I've already used all my good body-hair jokes on Nate. He's playing an artist who's come to guest-lecture to Claire's class, and he does so by telling a highly improbable story that involves a burnt American flag, some right-wing conservatives, and several homeless men who were apparently suffering from a severe shortage of toilet paper. Afterwards, Professor Olivier offers to introduce both Claire and Russell to him -- provided, of course, that Shrug can be torn away from the cute blonde co-ed he's been hitting on. When introductions finally are made, Shrug manages to ooze pretension from nearly every pore on that big shiny bald head of his as he instructs them to "give up now, unless [they're] willing to live as outlaws, because this is a culture where art is not just a dirty word, it's also blah blah blah zzzzzz." Whatever, Shrug. He demands to be taken out for drinks and dinner, and Olivier is happy to oblige, provided Claire and Russell will agree to join them. "An artist never questions her right to experience everything the world has to offer," he tells her. "And by 'everything the world has to offer,' I mean 'sex with me.' You know, just in case you weren't sure." Yeah. I think Claire sums it up best for us with, "Okay, I'm officially scared now."

Back at the Fortress, Lisa is setting out the plates for dinner. This causes Ruth some mild consternation, however, because she's using the "good-good" china instead of just the "good" china. Heh. My mother has good-good china, too. Hell, she's even got good-good china that's just for Passover. We never use that, either. Kathy is the first to arrive for the party, and she greets Lisa by announcing that she's heard a lot about her. "Oh, don't worry. It's all good. She likes you a hell of a lot better than the one before you." Yeah, well, she's the only one. She then presents Ruth with a birthday present, and clarifies that it can't be returned because there isn't a receipt, nudge nudge, wink wink. Ruth is shocked (shocked, I say!), but not as shocked as she is when Kathy suggests moving the dining room table so that people will have room to dance. "We don't dance in this family," wet-blankets Ruth. "We may fart a lot, but we certainly don't dance." Kathy sends her off to the bedroom to change into her new clothes, and then enlists Lisa to help move the table and turn off the "Lilith Fair crap" that's been playing on the stereo. Lisa, of course, struggles valiantly to retain at least some semblance of control over her perfectly planned party, but, like everyone else in the world, she ends up powerless in the face of The Kathy.

A random bar. Olivier and Shrug entertain a group of students with a long, pretentious, insincere debate about what it means to be an artist. And it's every bit as annoying as you'd expect, by the way. Although if nothing else, I can at least enjoy the fact that the line "I would rip your dick off and feed it to you if I didn't think you would like it so much" is immediately followed by "I so fucking love you, you stupid bald peasant." Sigh. After reminding the assembled students to tip their waiters and waitresses and promising to be back for a second show at 11:30, Olivier remembers precisely why he's there and oh-so-suavely asks Claire why she wants to be an artist. "Um, because I have a lot of pain?" she answers. Yeah. Okay, that was a little bit of a downer. The conversation (naturally, of course) turns to how beautiful Lauren Ambrose is, with Shrug opining that she has skin like "Carrara marble." His skin, of course, looks as though someone's been shining it with a can of lemon-scented Pledge for the last few hours. Shrug then makes an awkward situation even worse by asking if Russell is Claire's "lover," and the boy is forced to sadly answer no before adding that he still thinks Claire is very beautiful. Then he answers the whole "why are you an artist?" question himself by saying, "If I can't create art, I don't want to live." Yeah. Okay, that was a little bit creepy. Olivier ends the scene by telling a passing waitress that Shrug will have "a shot of ouzo with a big dollop of shit in it." For some reason everyone acts like it's all shocking that he said "shit" to a waitress. Which I suppose it is, but only in the sense that he didn't say "fuck."

And now the party at the Fortress is in full swing, with Kathy looking over David and Keith's vacation photos as everyone relaxes in the kitchen. Keith is describing the horrible buffet line they witnessed, and how all the guests would gather in the morning "for the breakfast burrito and the free shuttle to the outlet mall." "I never really understood the concept of a breakfast burrito," admits Ruth. You know, it's too bad that Mr. Moons Over My Hammy isn't still there, because I'm betting he'd be more than happy to demonstrate. Kathy wants to see the X-rated pictures from the trip, but Keith jokes that she'll have to go on the internet and pay $9.99 to get a look at those. Or, you know, she could just come here and get the written description for free. With all the practice I get, I'm sure I could paint a highly impressive word-picture of David and Keith's respective penes by now. Much to David's dismay, Ruth finds a photo of him in his swimwear and announces that "David always looked so funny in a bathing suit." Yeah. Probably because bubbles kept coming out of it every time he went under the water. Lisa stands in the corner, watching all this back-and-forth like it's a tennis match, and seems torn between being happy that people are having fun at her perfect (perfect!) party and being worried that she's not the center of attention anymore. Nate and David, on the other, look utterly creeped out by the entire affair. Lisa presents Ruth with her gift, which turns out to be a coupon redeemable for one free foot massage. Now, I thought that was a pretty weird gift to give a mother-in-law all on its own, but it only gets worse when we learn that it will be Lisa herself giving the massage. Immediately, in fact. Oy. You never saw Brenda stoop that low, and she gave massages for a living, for God's sake. As everyone else heads to the sun room to watch Ruth getting her feet rubbed, Nate wanders over to David and asks, "Does this party seem a little weird?" "On a scale of one to ten?" replies David, "Ninety." Butbutthese only go to eleven.

Back at the bar, Shrug is close to scoring with that blonde we saw before, so Olivier decides to ratchet up his own attack on Claire by trashing the guy behind his back. The kids report that they found his work to be "way too on the nose," and Olivier admits that every nasty thing he said earlier about the guy was the absolute truth. "You are a brilliant artist," he smarms at Claire. "That piece you did in the studio last week was better than anything [Shrug] has done in the last ten years." Then he gives Russell a blatantly back-handed compliment by telling him that he'll merely be "successful beyond [his] wildest dreams." Oy. Shut up, Professor Wanna Lay. Russell insists that he doesn't care at all what other people think of his work, and Olivier gets all older and wiser and sleazier on them by announcing that kids don't even know what they think themselves. "I have to pee," announces Russell, which seems to be the appropriate response to the stream of waste that's been pouring out of Olivier's mouth all night. Although it would have been so much more shocking if he'd said "shit," don't you think? Once he's alone with Claire, Olivier puts it into overdrive. "Your talent is epic. It's like the tail of a comet," he tells her. Sigh. I miss George Imnotassleazyasthis. He was creepy in a so much more pleasant way, wasn't he? "And God created beauty," adds Olivier, as he reaches out to cup her face in his hands. Oh, please. If Claire went for guys who quote the Bible, don't you think we'd already be married by now? ["And he loved the damsel, and spake kindly unto the damsel. And Shechem spake unto his father Hamor, and said 'Get me this damsel to wife.'" -- Genesis 34:2-3] Russell emerges from the bathroom just in time to see this, and he stands across the room contemplating all manner of nasty things he might like to do to his professor. Many of which, I'm sure, involve sticking very large pieces of metal into places where they don't really belong. They all decide to leave, and stick Shrug with the tab. And to her credit, Claire does seem to realize that departing now is definitely saving herself from a fate worse than Gabe. Which means, of course, that she'll screwing the professor before week's episode is even halfway over.