Peter Krause: So, um, I've been reading the papers lately, and I've decided that I deserve a raise.
Alan Ball: Okay. How much were you thinking?
Peter Krause: Oh, I don't know. How about $27 million a season?
Alan Ball: You're joking, right?
Peter Krause: Hey, I shaved my chest for you! The drain was clogged for a month!
Alan Ball: And this great nation of ours is eternally in your debt.
Peter Krause: I know! So pay up, motherfucker!
An opening shot of a nondescript man boiling water in his kitchen signals the triumphant return of the DGDJ. As is par for the course with these openings, we're teased with the possibility of a fatal gas explosion when the pilot light on his stove refuses to activate. Before he can relight it, however, Kitchen Man gets interrupted by a telemarketing call, and everyone's attention stays locked on the match that's slowly burning down in his hand -- at least until the guy on the phone screams, "Oh my God, he's got a gun!" that is. Cut to the call center, where a pasty-faced young man with a very large shotgun stalks through the office in that stutter-step Saving Private Ryan-o-Vision, carefully shooting every male employee he comes across. It's pretty powerful stuff, and it's all very well executed (pun totally not intended), although the stunt guys do get a little carried away with that machine that jerks people backwards when they get shot. Proving once again that the only real qualification necessary for running a call center is a complete and total lack of intelligence, the boss comes storming out of his corner office to ask, "What in the hell is going on out here?" You know, because the screaming and the wailing and the really loud gunshots weren't enough give it away. Or even inspire him to lock the door. Our angry young man (with his working-class Dockers and his radical plan) storms into the boss's office and dispatches him with a single blast from the shotgun. He tries to do the same with a secretary who's cowering in the corner, but fortunately for her, he's run out of ammo. Man, I'm betting this guy must have been a really lousy employee if he couldn't even remember to pack more than five shells into a gun that holds eight for his big final goodbye. At least he did remember to bring a pistol along. He contemplates using it on the secretary, but instead just shrugs and shoves the barrel into his own mouth. We cut back to a shocked and silent Kitchen Man just in time to hear the final gunshot though the phone, and then we slowly fade to white. Farewell Matthew Clark Hazen, Martin Jacobs, Andrew Wayne Milne, and Daniel Grant Showalter. Workplace violence is never funny. Not even when it happens to telemarketers.
Boy, that was just a big barrel of laughs, wasn't it? Yeah. So in the interests of lightening things up a bit before we continue with the recap proper, I'm pleased to announce the first winner (not counting the homepage -- The Boredello was tm phxchic) of our surprisingly popular "Name Nate & Lisa's Apartment" contest. It's Chico, with "Sinkhole de Maya." Which is appropriate, because we fade back up on Maya the Leviathan's giant, orthogonal cranium as she cavorts in a crib beside Nate and Lisa's bed. Which, by the way, seems to have gone from being a Family Bed to being The Bed of Overly Polite And Excessively Quiet Chipmunk Sex. Yep. that's right. Nate and Lisa are doing the nasty, if you can call anything "nasty" that involves use of the phrases "Are you sure you're comfortable?" and "Do you want to get on top?" You know the expression "She drives like old people fuck"? Well, Nate and Lisa fuck like old people fuck. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss Brenda already. Before we can leave this tender moment alone, however, the phone rings. The machine picks it up right away, and we get to hear one of those never-ever-as-cute-as- you-think-they-are messages new parents always have where they make the kid squeal into the phone on the off chance that one of the Powerpuff Girls might be calling to leave her a message. They also refer to themselves as the "Fisher Family," which will be mildly important in a few moments. It's Carol, of course, and she's calling because it's "the one hour a day [she] can eat carbs," and she's got a massive craving for corn mini-muffins. Mmm, corn mini-muffins. Yummy. Nate certainly seems to share my enthusiasm on this subject, because the sound of Carol's voice has inspired him to resume his rodent-like lovemaking with renewed vigor. The scene ends with him substituting a shouted "Don't make her the muffins! Don't make her the MUFFINS!" for "Oh, baby! Yes! Yes! YES!" Ew. Whatever turns you on, I guess.
David and Keith's Doormat-ory. David greets his lover in the kitchen with an enthusiastic morning serenade from Gilbert and Sullivan that features way too many "tra la las" for my tastes. Geez. If you're feeling that frisky, why not just throw him down on the tile floor and scream, "Don't make the bok choi! Don't make the BOK CHOI!"? Keith certainly seems to share my lack of enthusiasm on this subject, because he pleads that it's way too early for that sort of thing, and retires to the kitchen table to sew up a hole in his uniform. David apologizes, adding, "I just want to make sure I get it right. Some of the guys in this chorus are so good. One of them even recorded with Chanticleer." Um, he sang with a giant chicken? Well, that doesn't seem right. Excuse me while I click over to Google for a second. Ah, so that explains it. There's a actual chorus that's just named after the giant chicken. And here I thought I was all cool for remembering my high school Chaucer. Somewhere out there, Mrs. Weddell is laughing at me. Although a brief perusal of Chanticleer's homepage would seem to indicate that they're basically the Riverdancers of orchestral choir music, so I don't really feel bad for never having heard of them. It's still rock and roll for me, you know. Anyway, oversized roosters aside, Keith teases David a bit about singing in his sleep, and then admits that he tore his uniform while getting a Frisbee out of a tree. "That's what security guards do, David," he explains. "We help people." Heh.
Formaldehyde Fortress. Ruth is clipping coupons in the kitchen when Claire comes quietly down the steps. "Do you think you'd like Beef Blast Pizza Rolls?" she inquires of her daughter. Mmm, Beef Blast Pizza Rolls. Yummy. Boy, I've really got to start eating before I sit down to work on these recaps, don't I? Claire couldn't possibly be more repulsed by the idea of "Beef Blast" anything, and is so disgusted that she announces she won't even be coming home that night in protest. "Take a sweater," suggests an unexpectedly accepting Ruth.
Once Claire is out the door, the phone rings and is quickly picked up by the Fortress's answering machine. Ruth's flatly disembodied voice declares that the caller has reached "The Fisher Family," thereby providing a touching competitive counterpoint to Nate and Lisa's earlier answering-machine message claim to that title. It's Ruth's sister Sarah on the phone, and she's calling to check up on Ruth because she hasn't seen her for the longest time. She even invites her up to Topanga Canyon for a lovely afternoon of tribal dancing, body painting, and "Aunt May's German potato salad." "I know you always liked that," Sarah adds, presumably in reference to the potato salad. Ruth lets her hang up without answering, and then snits that Sarah was always the one who liked Aunt May's cooking. Dear Lord! What's wrong with these people? I mean, who doesn't like potato salad? In fact, I'm going to go eat some right now. Mmm, German potato salad.
Das Sargzimmer. Rico is working his first solo intake with the wife of Mr. Milne, who was DGDJ #3 and the unfortunately too-curious-for- his-own-good call-center manager from the opening scene. Oddly enough, she bears at least a passing resemblance to the wife of a former call-center boss of my own. You know, if you care. She cries, and laments the random unfairness of it all, and the most Rico can manage to console her is to pathetically nudge a box of Kleenex across the coffee table. Thanks, dude. Way to show you care! "And then there's telling the children," she sobs. "What should I say to them to make them feel better?" Obviously inexperienced in the ways of dealing with the living, Rico is completely at a loss for words. Before he can suggest his own rendition of "Only the Good Die Young," however, Nate enters and breaks the moment's tension. "Glad you could make it," snits Rico, but Nate kicks it right over into "gift" mode without so much as a single "shut up." Nate comforts the grieving widow with the healing power of his new pageboy hairstyle, and even offers to walk her to her car once everything is taken care of. Thanks, dude. Way to show your hair!
Ahh, yes. And now for the scene I've been dreading all week. Claire and JP are lying in bed at his place, talking the night away and telling stories about their high-school prom experiences. Claire admits that she didn't go to hers (I guess taking George Marykayletourneauitis probably would have been frowned upon), and JP confesses that he took one "Nancy Pollard," who "smelled like fried chicken." Heh. For my prom -- and again I'm not making this up -- I actually took a girl named Bobo. Yeah, that's right. My prom, my Bobo. We get the new season's first mention of DangerSlut when Claire reveals that the two of them spent prom night getting drunk on champagne in the school quad and saying "good-fucking-bye to high school." And then they made musical pants, professed their undying love for one another, and danced under the moonlight until dawn. Or maybe I just dreamed that last part. Claire elaborates some more on the melancholy memory of saying goodbye to the only life she'd ever known, and then sighs and wonders if she could "be any more pathetic." JP leaps to her defense, claiming variously that she's "sensitive," "perfect," and possessed of the "softest skin" he's ever touched. Oy. The guy is smooth, I'll give him that. Of course, that's mostly just because he had to wax his chest to make room for the giant bird tattoo, but still. He asks what time she has to get up, and even though the night is still young, Claire discovers that she has a class in three hours and hasn't even started the assignment. "You keep distracting me," she explains. "My hands are, like, magnetically drawn to your dick." Ew. Sigh. Ew. You know what? I'm just going to pretend that's because he accidentally smeared some of my...er, "Aaron Buchbinder's" ashes on there and she's somehow sensing a mystical connection. That's really, really gross, but it's the only way I can I make it through the scene, okay? "I have to read and critique some theoretical conceptual bullshit," she continues. Yeah. Substitute "watch" for "read," and I know exactly how she feels. "I know exactly how you feel," says JP, before adding that he dropped out of music school for exactly the same reason. Then he tells her she's "amazing," and leans in for another kiss. Hey! I once dropped out of film school! I think she's amazing! So how come Claire's hands aren't magnetically drawn to my dick? Sigh. Again. Fade to white.
Schrödinger's Flat (tm Brandi). Nate comes to the breakfast table to find Lisa already there, cleaning Maya's Dumbo-esque ears with a special baby-sized Q-tip. She helpfully exposits that they'll be having David and Keith over for dinner later that evening, but Nate seems reluctant, mostly because he sees David at work every day and he wasn't really "dying to spend quality time with Keith." Now someone in the forums (as they always, always do) has interpreted that sentiment to be homophobic, but I think it's safe to say that Nate simply just doesn't like Keith, especially after some of the things David has told him. And besides, no one shouted heterophobia when David didn't like Brenda. During their conversation on the subject, Maya reaches out for a lock of Lisa's hair and gives it a pretty hefty tug. Aww. Good girl! Now go do that to Daddy a few hundred times. With their plans for the evening thus settled, Nate mentions that he's noticed Lisa digging around in Maya's auditory canal like a dog who can't remember where she buried a bone. When he wonders aloud if she might not be applying too much pressure, Lisa is offended that anyone could ever possibly question her perfect parenting skills. This, of course, quickly causes things to degenerate into an argument, with Lisa calling Maya "[her] child" and Nate relying on the hoary old "I know I'm just the father here" gambit. Eventually he storms off to work without their resolving anything, and Lisa goes back to digging for buried treasure somewhere in the vicinity of Maya's tympanic membrane.
Ruth, meanwhile, is scrubbing her kitchen counter and still screening her calls. When Sarah phones to leave a message that sounds even more pathetic than the last one, however, Ruth finally picks up. It seems Sarah has hurt her back, and desperately needs Ruth to pick up a Vicodin prescription and bring it out to her. Thrilled at the prospect of finally finding a family member who actually needs her for something, Ruth readily accepts the assignment.
Cut to the downstairs, where Rico is getting ready to handle another intake. David comes down to join him, which (as he always, always does) Rico feels compelled to complain about. Shut up, Rico. Once inside Das Sargzimmer, it soon becomes clear that the bereaved parents are seeking a funeral for the Angry Young Man (with his feet in the air and his head in the sand). Dad wants to keep things private and simple, but Mom is still in a state of shocked disbelief. "You see this kind of thing on TV," she says, "and you think, 'Oh, my God. Those poor people.' But now it's happening to us, and we have to see it every time we turn it on." Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I recap Oz, The Sopranos, and Six Feet Under. I have to see death every time I turn on the TV too, but you don't hear me whining about it. Stop blaming television for ruining your life. Only I get to do that, dammit. And that's only because I'm recapping this at 10:30 on a Friday night and television actually is ruining my life at the moment. When Rico (who was never the sharpest nail in the coffin) finally realizes what's going on, he immediately tries to tell the parents that Fisher & Diaz won't accept their business. David, however, interrupts to assure them that everything will be taken care of.
As you totally knew it would, this leads to a massive argument once the parents have left the building. Rico thinks the Fishers are willing to do anything for a dollar, but David has the ultimate trump card here. "Fisher & Sons has never turned down a funeral," he reminds us. "And neither will Fisher & Diaz." I know I rip Rico all the time, but give Freddy Rodriguez credit here for the nice moment when he realizes that The Late Nate certainly never would have turned these people away, no matter how distasteful it might have been. David insists that you can't blame the parents in these situations, but even though he's resigned to holding the funeral, Rico still isn't willing to agree. "Yes, I can blame them," he says. "And I do. Maybe if they'd done a better job of raising their kid, he wouldn't have killed all those people. He'd be an innocent man." Depending on your feelings about the whole Nature vs. Nurture debate, he may very well have a good point there. But still, I always assumed that there was some sort of undertaker's code where they weren't allowed to refuse a funeral. If even the guiltiest criminal is constitutionally guaranteed a competent defense, then shouldn't they also be guaranteed quality embalming?
Up in Topanga (ahh, Boy Meets World. Why hast thou forsaken us?), Ruth arrives at her sister's place, only to be greeted by Kathy Bates. Because she's Kathy Bates, her first line gets to be "Too bad you didn't get here five minutes ago. You could have cleaned up her puke." Boy, it sure is great to see Kathy broadening her range like this, isn't it? Ruth is obviously nonplussed by this development, and things only get worse when Sarah stumbles out of the bedroom looking like she's just been run over by a truck. She begs for a moment alone with her sister, but when Kathy refuses to leave, Sarah makes a desperate grab for the pharmacy bag Ruth has in her hands. Kathy heads her off, however, and threatens to forcibly return her to the bedroom if Sarah doesn't calm down. Once she's left the room, Kathy explains that Sarah is in withdrawal, and that she has prescriptions for Vicodin and Captain Jack at half the pharmacies in L.A. Frances Conroy's "D'oh"-like sigh of disappointment when she realizes that her sister played her for a fool is quite possibly the funniest moment in the entire episode. It's almost topped, however, when Kathy says, "Your sister begged me to help her get through this, no matter what" and Sarah re-emerges to shout, "Fuck that, I was high!" Hee! Actually, it's more the middle finger she extends on her way back into the bedroom that really sells the line, but I was giggling either way.
Frances Conroy: So, um, listen. If you're not, you know, too busy or anything, I was wondering if maybe I could possibly talk to you about, um, you know, getting a raise this season?
Alan Ball: Ahh, Frances. So sweet, so innocent. But, no, you can't have a raise.
Frances Conroy: But...but...I'm ten times the repressed housewife Julianne Moore will ever be, and you damn well know it! And besides, Kathy and Patricia get all that good movie money, and all I ever got was a crappy bit part in the latest J.Lo flick.
Alan Ball: I feel your pain, dear, but it's not going to happen.
Frances Conroy: Do you want me to break your arm? Because I will.
Couples counseling. Keith sits there alone, listening to David explain via cell phone that he's been delayed at the morgue and won't be able to make the session. Keith is obviously pretty annoyed by this, but he hangs up and politely apologizes to Arye as he heads for the door. "You don't need to leave," smarms Dr. Gross. "You and I can talk." "We can do that?" wonders Keith, as he sits back down. Ahh, Keith. So angry; so naïve when it comes to the ways of therapy. After establishing that Keith has been bottling up all his anger towards David, Arye suggests that this might be a prime opportunity to let out some of that frustration. He suggests that Keith pretend David is right there beside him, and orders him to say all those things he's been wanting to say but hasn't. "You've got to tell him about it," explains Arye. "Tell him everything you feel." "Relax," snarls Keith (to the absent David), getting into the spirit of this little game. "Quit trying so hard. You're making me nervous." After some more prompting from Arye, Keith really gets on a roll. "I hate your stupid little buckwheat pillow," he says. "And I hate your...nose spray." Hee! "I hate the way you always want to fall asleep with your head on my shoulder. Your head is heavy!" Oh, please. Just be thankful you're not sleeping with Nate, okay? You could cut yourself on a rectangle like that. And besides, I seem to recall YOUR head on DAVID'S shoulder in last week's episode. Unfortunately, Arye hasn't been reading my recaps, because he lets that one slide. "I hate the way you always make me feel like I'm my father by letting me walk all over you," continues Keith. Then he seems to come to some sort of realization, and sighs quietly to himself before muttering, "I always thought by being gay I'd avoid fucking my mother, but I guess not." I'd laugh at that line, but I've dated way too many mother-surrogates of my own in my day to doing anything but wince painfully in sympathy. I will, however, chortle at the expression on Keith's face when Arye suggests that Keith might want to consider seeing a psychiatrist on his own.
The Taj Banal (tm norweigangirl). Nate comes home (although we never actually did see him at work, which might be important later) and finds Lisa making polenta in the kitchen. Before they can settle their argument from earlier, however, Carol calls once again for her weekly dose of wacky shtick. This time she's at Mark Harmon and Pam Dawber's house in the mountains, and she needs tips on getting Robin Williams to shut up and stop insisting that he's a lovably cute alien from another planet. Yeah. Good luck with that, Carol. We've all been trying to get Robin Williams to shut up for years, and it hasn't worked any better than our efforts with Rico have. Carol also needs instructions on making Lisa's famous balsamic vinegar salad dressing, and Lisa reluctantly agrees to talk her through it. Nate decides that this would be the be the perfect time to kiss and make up, and while Carol rants and raves on the phone, he apologizes for getting angry that morning. Lisa apologizes as well, and I guess she must have a way about her that makes people not notice how much of a raving lunatic she is, because Nate proclaims that Maya has the best mom in the whole wide world. Yeah. In Crazy World, maybe.
Cut to art school, where Claire is chatting with the guy we were so briefly introduced to last week. She's telling him all about JP, and how he's the only guy she's ever met who actually seems to understand her. "That's cool," says Russell, through his flowing locks of greasy hair. "Not even my imaginary friends understand me." Heh. I totally know how he feels. None of my imaginary friends understand me, either. ["Ain't that the truth!" -- Alan Ball] The conversation continues in a similar vein, with Claire extolling the many virtues of JP ("He's sweet!" "He's hot!" "He's always a man to me!"), and Russell using clever self-deprecating humor to make it oh-so-painfully clear that he has a massive crush on the redheaded object of our mutual affection. Upon hearing that JP even has his own band, Russell feigns surprise and asks, "Oh my God, it's Keanu Reeves, isn't it?" "Actually it's this internet recapper guy," replies Claire. "Maybe you've heard of him?" After taking a moment to be extra sure that they've hammered home the fact that Russell is caring and sensitive while JP is sexy and dangerous, Claire offers to listen to him talk about his own love life for a while. "I'm not dating," he says. "No dating. In fact, I think I'm kind of allergic, actually. I start itching and I swell up and bleed profusely." Heh. He also says that Claire's assertion that Russell's a really great guy will be of little solace when "it's 2 in the morning and [he's] laying in bed and eating [his] fourth bowl of cereal and beating [himself] up over some stupid thing [he] said in the eighth grade." When Claire determines that his cereal of choice is Cap'n Crunch, she laughs and suggests that they might actually be twins. Wow. Substitute Golden Grahams, and we could be triplets. Although that does take me to sort of a scary Brenda & Billy kind of place, doesn't it? Yeah. Never mind.
The Chateau-Fu (tm Chico again). David and Keith arrive for dinner and park their car in the driveway to Lisa's. Uh oh. That's gonna cause trouble, I can tell. As they walk to the front door, Keith remarks that he still thinks Lisa's pregnancy seems a little suspicious, and David apologizes repeatedly for missing therapy. "I was happy you weren't there," smiles Keith. "Frank was, too." "Frank loves me!" replies an indignant David. Heh. "You may be right," Keith tells him, but even so, Frank still thinks David has a lot of work to do. Especially because he's such a "passive-aggressive guilt sponge." "God," answers David. "I'll never miss therapy again." "That's right, bitch," declares Keith, before emphasizing the sentiment by smacking David on the ass. David responds in kind, and then Nate opens the door to find the two of them horsing around on the front porch. I think the look of distaste on Nate's face when he shakes Keith's hand here is more attributable to the fact that that hand was just on his brother's ass than anything else.
Later on, the boys are all hanging out by the grill in the back yard. Nate and Keith have a friendly debate over whether the marinade or the mesquite is the key to a successful barbecue, but David tops them both by admitting that he "just [likes] wearing the apron." Hee! Keith excuses himself to go to the "little boys' room," and Lisa politely asks him not to flush the toilet because it might wake up Maya. Hmm. Is it just me, or does Lisa have some serious issues with flushing toilets? I do NOT want to be around when it's time to potty-train Maya. With Keith gone, Lisa turns her attention to David, and asks how things are going with his "choir." "It's not a choir, it's a chorus," he responds. "And it's not a giant chicken. They're just named after one." And while I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who know the difference between a chorus and a choir, I'm not actually one of them, so I'll just throw in a quick "Sing us a song, you're the chorus man," and move on, okay?
The Body Shoppe. Rico sadly slides a wedding ring onto Mr. Milne's corpse (StC = 1,619), and then just stands there, staring at the body. He says, "Milne I believe this is killing me," as the smile runs away from his face. "I'm sure that you could have made Vice-President, if you hadn't ended up in this place."
Back at the barbecue, Lisa is pouring wine (a bottle of red? A bottle of white?) when the sound of a toilet flushing is suddenly heard over the nearby baby monitor. Maya immediately starts bawling, and both Lisa and Nate dash back inside, passing a totally nonchalant Keith as he returns to the table. "What did I miss?" he asks. David berates him for waking the baby, saying "you had to be a big shot and flush the toilet, didn't you?" Keith insists that Maya wasn't asleep, although he does repeatedly call the baby "it," presumably because of Foreshadowing's well-known preference for gender-neutral pronouns. Through the baby monitor, we can hear Lisa complaining that Keith flushed when she told him not to, and Nate points out that he might not have had a choice, because "David said he has that irritable bowel thing." Hee! And also ew! Keith is furious that David is going around telling people about his private colon-related issues, but any further argument is short-circuited by the sound of Nate and Lisa singing "Maya, row your boat ashore" from inside the house. David and Keith laugh, with Keith proclaiming that the song "has never sounded creepier." David pretends to agree, but you can totally tell he wants to be singing to a baby of his own just like that in the very near future.
Body Shoppe, Part Deux. Rico wheels in the Angry Young Man, and then Boss Man Milne sits up in his coffin in a truly creepy over-the-shoulder shot. "You've got to be kidding me," he complains. "What's he doing here?" AYM taunts his deceased boss for making the grievous mistake of actually firing him for cause, and then Rico taunts the Angry Young Man for making a giant hole in the back of his head. "Maybe I was trying to make a statement," responds AYM, not very convincingly. "Besides, it's really not my problem." "Oh yeah, nothing's your problem," snarks Mr. Milne. "You couldn't even show up to work on time." Hmm. Let's see here. Works in a call center? Frequently late with assignments? Blames everyone else for his problems? Oh, yeah. I think we've got another shout-out here. Thanks, Alan. You shouldn't have. "I don't know why I go to extremes," states AYM. "A guy can only take so much before he snaps." This just makes Rico even angrier than he already was. "Hey!" he shouts. "You know, we all have to deal with a lot of shit, all right? But when I snap I throw something, or punch a wall, or say 'fuck' a few hundred times. I don't pick up a shotgun and start killing people." "Yeah?" asks AYM, with an evil knowing smile. "So far."
Freddy Rodriguez: I want a fucking raise, fuckwad.
Alan Ball: Fuck you!
Freddy Rodriguez: No, fuck you!
Alan Ball: Do you want me to send you back to fucking Oh, Grow Up? Because I fucking will. You'll be saying goodbye to fucking Hollywood in ten fucking seconds flat, fuck-boy!
In case you haven't noticed that Rico has been doing pretty much all the work this season, we now we cut back to the barbecue, where David tells the others that "it feels so good to sit here doing absolutely nothing." They make some small talk about Keith's job, but then Lisa stirs things up by asking how the couples counseling is going. Whoops. We get awkward looks from all three guys at the table, and then David tries to cover by saying, "We're not fighting so much. I mean, we never really fought...that much." "Nate and I never fight," claims Lisa, which Keith finds very hard to believe. Nate -- who is acutely aware of his husbandly duties this week -- immediately backs Lisa up on this assertion. He also says that having a baby in the house puts everything in perspective, and helps them keep things calm. Unless there's a Q-tip involved, of course. Then it's like two pit bulls with only one piece of steak. "You'll see when you have kids," Lisa tells them. "If we have kids," replies Keith. Uh oh.
Suddenly, Carol arrives to join them, saying that she came home early because "there's nothing to do" up in the mountains. "At least no one parks in my driveway there," she adds. Hee! Lisa tries to explain that she's in the middle of a dinner party, but Carol insists on having cinnamon toast immediately, because she just had to deal with her "most bitter enemy." Said enemy is then revealed to be Melissa Gilbert, which is pretty funny on its own, but it's even funnier when you realize that the cast of Six Feet Under was up on stage accepting a Screen Actors Guild award at almost the exact moment that line was aired. (Melissa Gilbert, of course, is the current president of SAG. I'm sure there's a really good story behind that, and I really wish someone would tell me what it is.) "You're not listening to me," complains Lisa, as she tries again to explain to Carol that she has company. "Honey, I heard you," Carol answers. "You're having a party. They've had you all day; I need you right now. These are the times to remember, young lady, because they will not last forever. Now, bring my toast up to my bath, and I'll tell you how I made Melissa cry."
Afterwards, David and Keith are heading back to their car. "Can you believe Lisa?" asks Keith. "I've never met anyone whose self-perception was so far removed from reality." Yeah. This from a guy who probably thinks that she wants to sleep with her head on his shoulder. Whatever. David, however, has other things on his mind. "What did you mean in there," he inquires, "when you said 'IF we have kids'?" Keith points out (correctly, if you ask me) that they're already in counseling to see if they can even survive as a couple, so this might not be the best time to consider adding a child to the mix. Keith also mentions his father yet again, which makes me think that we'll be seeing good ol' Kersh before too long. Then he climbs into the car, leaving David standing there in the driveway with a very unhappy look on his face. Hmm. Some love is just a lie of the heart, I guess. And they may not want it to end. But it will. It's just a question of when.
Topanga Canyon. Ruth and Kathy are trying to put Sarah to bed, but first we have to endure some extended "comedic" business with Sarah wanting to take a bunch of natural supplements and complaining first that she's too cold and then that she's too hot. Sigh. I liked watching a strung-out Patricia Clarkson a lot better when it involved Ally Sheedy and a naked Radha Mitchell. I'm just saying. Sarah abruptly bolts for the bathroom, citing diarrhea, which prompts Ruth to abruptly blurt, "This is what playing with drugs will get you! It's not pretty, is it? They're going to find our father in the swimming pool if you keep this up!"
Tofutti Tenement (tm autumnyte). Nate and baby Maya have waited up for Lisa, who finally comes home after getting Carol "all tucked in" with "eight slices of cinnamon toast and a popsicle." Wow. That's almost enough to make me want Lisa to come and take care of me. Yeah. I said "almost." Lisa starts sorting the laundry as she offhandedly remarks that she feels sorry for David and Keith, who have "been together such a short time" and are already in counseling. "If they have so many problems, why even stay together?" she wonders. "Maybe they love each other," suggests Nate. "Ow!" screams Aaron, as the anvil comes crashing through his ceiling. Lisa is once again sniffing the crotches of her freshly washed clothing, and I don't care if that's normal behavior for new mothers or not, it's really starting to creep me out. This time, however, it's not peanut butter she smells, but rather Tide detergent instead. "You have to use the Dreft," she explains, in a highly patronizing tone. "Maya gets a rash from anything else." Nate claims he didn't know that, but I think we all know what's going on here. Nate lies, Lisa! He lies when he Tides! Or to put it another way, they started to fight when the laundry wasn't white, and they just didn't count on the tears. Lisa bitches about having to re-wash everything, but Nate signs over the last remaining sliver of his manhood and offers to do it himself. Sigh. Man, even his hair is limp now. Fade to white.
Rachel Griffiths: So listen. I know I'm only in like half the episodes this year, but after all the shit you put me through last season, I think I deserve some extra cash.
Alan Ball: I don't know about that. Lili has certainly proven that she can be just as annoying as Brenda ever was.
Rachel Griffiths: Do you want me to fuck you? Would that help? Because I totally will. Arli$$ doesn't mind.
Alan Ball: Yeah. Okay. This is getting a little creepy now.
Fade back up on Rico in the Fortress, presiding over the Angry Young Man's funeral. (He came in spastic, like tameless horses. He left in plastic, like numbered corpses.) David manages to intercept him before he can say anything too rude to AYM's parents, and then they both stand in the back of the room watching as the family views the body. "Please try to show a little sensitivity," begs David. "I did," snaps Rico. "I cleaned him up all nice. Sure, I was tempted to maybe leave a hand or foot un-embalmed so he could stink like he should, but no. I'm a professional. I did, however, rebuild his small intestine with two extension cords and some leftover tuna casserole. But don't worry, they'll never notice." David responds by pointing out the family didn't know AYM as a murderer, but rather as a son or a brother. "They should have known what was going on inside of him," replies Rico. This really sets David off, although he does have to pause and act dignified as an elderly couple walks past into the service. "If you think you can ever really know a person," David snarls once they're gone, "you're living in a fucking dream world."
Topanga Canyon. Ruth has made egg salad for everyone (no word on whether or not it's Aunt May's recipe), but Sarah claims that she can't eat because there are "jolts of electricity shooting through [her] body." Of course, as soon as Kathy and Ruth happily chow down, Sarah changes her mind and decides she wants some for herself. Her woe-is-me, martyr-like inability to reach more than three inches off the bed to grab the plate out of Ruth's hand is mildly giggle-worthy, but her explanation of why she got hooked on Vicodin in the first place is straight out of the "What To Say When The Party's Over" chapter in the Handbook For Aging Bad Girls. "Somewhere along the line I started to realize that I was no longer the youngest or prettiest girl in the room," she laments, much to Kathy's disgust. "For a while I satisfied myself with being the most intriguing, but eventually I just became the one in paisley. And then my sister here went out on a date, and I just sat at home to masturbate. It's too fucking depressing." Ruth insists that Sarah is much more than just a paisley-clad onanite. "Yeah, you're a drug addict," confirms Kathy. Heh. Sarah wants to get up to go add some spices to the egg salad, but Kathy instantly figures out that the only spice she's interested comes in 500-milligram increments. Man, that Kathy is tough. Too bad she wasn't around when Brett Favre got hooked on Vicodin. The Packers could have won a half-dozen Super Bowls. Kathy grabs Sarah and forcibly shakes her until Sarah admits that there's a secret stash of pills in the coriander, and also some Ecstasy in the aspirin bottle. Then Kathy huffs and puffs for a while, before pulling a pair of scarves out of a drawer and starting to tie Sarah's arms to the bedposts. Ooh, kinky! Maybe we'll finally get some of that High Art lesbian action Stee has been after for so long. Or maybe they'll just tie her down and go outside for a while. But not before Sarah's struggling prompts Ruth to blurt, "Do you want me to break this arm? Because I will!" that is. Hee! Kathy raises an eyebrow at this surprising burst of threatened violence, but you can totally tell that she's thinking, "Heh. Rookie. I bet she doesn't even know how to use a sledgehammer."
Outside, Kathy collapses on a hammock and sighs in frustration. "I don't know how you remain so calm," observes Ruth. "I took a Vicodin," answers Kathy. Ruth is shocked, but Sarah's continued wailing from inside soon prompts her to take one herself. She dry swallows the pill, and with just that little push, she finds herself smiling. "It's not bad," she says. "Although I did like the Ecstasy a little better. The colors were sooooooo pretty! And there was this cute talking bear!"
Back at the Fortress, Claire has brought JP home to forage in the refrigerator. Nate wanders into the kitchen, and gives his sister a giant, shit-eating sibling grin when he recognizes JP from the crematorium. He tells the kids that Mom won't be home for the night, and also asks Claire to pick up some death certificates from a nursing home the day. "Ugh, I hate those places," says Claire. "All the old people want to touch my hair." Sigh. The only people who ever want to touch my hair are some researchers from Rogaine. Nate heads into the living room, and sits down to watch a little TV. The folks in the forums report that he's watching an episode of The Pet Psychic from Animal Planet that actually features a gay parrot and his owner. Hee! Someone on the SFU staff spends WAY too much time watching TV, and when a guy like me can say that, you know you've got problems. He calls Lisa from the couch, and tells her that he won't be home for a few more hours because he still has a lot of work to do. Hmmm. Looks like someone else has a few problems as well.
In the kitchen, Claire is giving JP the lowdown on her brother. She tells him all about Brenda, only she refers to her as "Charlotte: Light and Dark." We're somehow supposed to believe that JP is actually familiar with this book and its contents, despite the fact that it couldn't possibly be any more apparent that he hasn't read anything longer than Slacking For Dummies since the seventh grade. "So we should do something, like Friday or Saturday," he suggests, and Claire immediately catches the hidden meaning in that particular loaded statement. "Have you been thinking the two us were, well, you know, exclusive?" he wonders. "Because I never really meant to give that impression." Ouch! That had to hurt. But don't worry, Claire! I'll comfort you! We'll stay up late, and eat cereal, and listen to Sleater-Kinney all night long! And I promise not to touch your hair. Much. "You see other guys, don't you?" he asks. "You're always talking about Russell." "Russell is gay," snaps Claire. Ooh. That had to hurt, too. I sure hope Russell stocked up on Cap'n Crunch. Claire gets up to stand by the sink as she tries hide how upset she is. JP asks if he should leave, but instead she just smiles at him as he slinks over to stand beside her. No, Claire! Don't do it! Just because he doesn't go around mooing at helpless convenience-store owners doesn't mean he's not evil! But alas, Claire -- who's obviously getting tired of all her high-class toys and the presents from her uptown boys -- succumbs to the evil power of the giant bird tattoo, and slowly leads JP up the stairs to her bedroom. Sigh.
What The Fucking Fuck Estates. A haggard-looking Rico comes home from work, but before he can even get through the door, Vanessa starts bitching about how crappy her day was. Not only that, but the house is a mess, and Julio is crying in front of the TV, which is blaring a cartoon at an excessively loud volume. Ahh, poor Rico. All his life is Channel 13. SpongeBob SquarePants. What does it mean? At first, Rico is pissed that no one wants to hear HIM complain, and he takes out that anger by shouting at his kid. But he soon realizes the error of his ways, and sits down on the floor beside young Julio. He puts his arm around the kid, and they sit and watch SpongeBob together. Aww. Sniff. Of course, this totally means Julio will be dead before the season is even halfway over, but that's a story for another recap.
And finally, we go back to the Lactation Station (tm Thiajok). Ha! You didn't think I was going to use it, did you? Anyway, they'll tell you you can't sleep alone in a strange place, and then they'll tell you you can't sleep with somebody else. In spite of this, however, Nate and Lisa are getting into bed for the night, and Maya is right back there between them. It's probably rude to talk about a helpless infant like this, but that kid's ass is even bigger than her head. Those Fisher genes sure are powerful. Lisa gives Nate a whole long shopping list of things to pick up at the store on his way home from work tomorrow, and then they bicker a bit about whether he's going to be able to do it. Gee, I wonder if Brenda and Eddie are still going steady in whatever town she ran off to? And if so, can we break them up and get her back here soon? That'd be great. Thanks. Recognizing that things are a bit tense, Lisa quickly changes the subject to Carol, and regales Nate with a story about having to make carrot soup and drive it all the way out to Culver City. This cheers them up immensely, and they proceed to amuse themselves by thinking up ways to torture her boss. Lisa suggests using whole milk in her rice pudding because it gives Carol diarrhea, and then they consider taking naked pictures of her during her morning swim and posting them on the internet. "Oh my God, I saw her once," says Nate, "and she has the biggest bush I've ever seen in my life!" Bwah! One of my friends with TiVo called me on Thursday this week, and without even saying hello he asked, "I'm sorry, did he just say she had the biggest bush he'd ever seen?" Then we agreed that it was sort of frightening that I knew exactly what he was talking about, without any explanation. Their devious imagination exhausted for the night, Nate and Lisa pull the covers up over Maya, and turn off the lights to sleep.
We end the episode with one last trip up to Topanga canyon, where Kathy and Ruth are still lying on the hammock, bonding over white wine and Vicodin. Ruth ascribes her irrational fear of hammocks to a traumatic cartoon-watching experience in her youth, and then opines that everything is incredibly peaceful up there in the woods. This, of course, is accompanied by Sarah wailing in the background, and we slowly fade to white as the ladies wax poetic about the lazy, carefree life of the American hobo. And that's it, kids. Life is a series of hellos and goodbyes, and I'm afraid it's time for goodbye again.
But before I go, I do want to throw out a quick plug here for the Children of Dune miniseries that's airing on the Sci-Fi Network this week. It's actually on at the same time as SFU, and I doubt there's much crossover between the fan bases, but I'll be recapping it just like I did the original way back when I first started here. If nothing else, you'll definitely want to tune in just to see what happens when I have to recap seven hours of television in less than seven days. Who knows? I might just snap and start shooting up TWoP Towers. But don't worry. I've only fired a gun once in my life (during my brief, one-week stint in the Israeli Army. Yeah. Don't ask), and I have really lousy aim. Anyway, I'll see you week, either in the cemetery or out on the sand dunes.
Aaron: So, um, I've got four recaps coming up week, and I really think I deserve a...
Sars: Get out. Now.