Faithful readers of this website have no doubt noticed by now that something a wee bit fishy has been going on with the episode scoring system. Apparently, some unknown asshole (though I'm sure his identity can be found in our ban logs) has taken it upon himself to flood each weekly poll with about three hundred "F" votes the instant the recap hits the homepage. Because of this, it's now incumbent upon us recappers to provide you with even more fair and precise episode grades ourselves, so that you can make intelligent decisions about whether or not to feel bad for having missed something (or possibly for having actually watched it). To that end, I've decided to abandon the rather simplistic "StC" method of episode grading, and switch to the formula displayed below. Incidentally, and before you all head over to the "Editorial Issues" thread, you should know that the only "F" I ever received during my almost eternal academic adventures was in college calculus. Twice, in fact.
∑ = √Δ BS / (POT * ∞)
(Fk3n * (StC + π r2)) - ∫{f(6.02 * 1023)1+x} dxWhere:
BS = n Brain shots in the episode
POT = n Times marijuana is smoked
Fk = n Times the word fuck is used
and StC = Start to Corpse
I had to buy time on a Defense Department supercomputer to complete the final calculations, but as you can see over on your right, we ended up with a B-. That sounds about right, don't you think?
Anyway, we fade up this week on a construction site that's so fake-looking you can actually see the Elmer's glue still drying on the model they used. A pair of workers (whom we'll call Catshit Boy and Hysterectomy Man), sit down on a girder to enjoy their lunch. Catshit Boy complains about his recent loss of appetite, and Hysterectomy Man explains that it's likely a symptom of depression. "I've been reading up on it ever since my wife's hysterectomy," he says. "She's been real down in the dumps. Loss of appetite, loss of sex drive, feelings of hopelessness and despair…" Catshit Boy insists that he only suffers from the loss of appetite part, and blames it squarely on his wife's cooking, which resembles, well, cat shit. You know what's fun about these opening scenes? Playing "Guess How They're Going To Die." Since this one was written by Alan Ball himself, there's all sorts of subtle misdirection. Will they fall? Is his lunch poisoned? Does he have some sort of mysterious tropical illness? You should try to play along at home. It's fun. Especially since the only alternative is staring at the ridiculous "backdrop" "painting" of the Los Angeles skyline behind them. There's some additional banter about the relative wifely merits of a woman who cooks versus a woman who frequently consummates the marriage, and then Catshit Boy slams his cat shit sandwich back into his lunchbox. Before they can react, however, the lunchbox tumbles off the girder and smacks into the head of a random passerby, prompting Catshit Boy to close the scene with the following memorably expletive-filled exclamation: "Oh, fuck! Fuck me. Ah, this is fucked. Fucking fuck." Fucking farewell, Dwight Edgar Garrison. Your death was stupid and pointless, but at least you got to fuck Dina Meyer.
Which reminds me. As another fun game this week (and also as part of my important mathematical calculations), I'll be counting along with all of the "fucks" that are spoken in the episode. To make this fun for everyone, I've added a poll over on the right. See if you can correctly guess the number of times the word "fuck" (or any of its myriad variations) is used. No cheating, and the closest to the correct answer without going over wins. As a helpful hint, I'll tell you now that there have already been eight (EIGHT!) so far.
Aaron: Dude. A lunchbox to the head? You've got an Oscar and Golden Globe, and THAT'S the best you could fucking come up with?
Alan Ball: What? I kinda liked it. It's very symbolic of the irrational...
Aaron:...of the irrational absurdity of death. Yeah. We. Get. It.
Alan Ball: But see, it's also a sly metaphor for...
Aaron: For Nate's brain tumor. We know.
Alan Ball: Oh. Well, excuse the fuck out of me.
Aaron: It's okay. At least you didn't make us use algebra.
The episode proper opens on a beach with Nate and Brenda discussing their wedding plans, which confirms at least one of my hypotheses for how the season will be ending. Brenda thinks the location is perfect, especially once you add in the "sunset factor." Given that the director is currently using the "sunrise factor" to silhouette Nate's Schwarzenegger-sized brain, however, I'm thinking it might be somewhat more cheesy than perfect. Either way, Nate's primary concern is that the ground is covered with horseshit, which could mess up Brenda's white dress. Snerk. Brenda thinks otherwise, and claims that "if [they] exchange vows surrounded by horseshit, it would be kind of fitting." No, Brenda. "Fitting" would be if you exchanged vows with another man's hand in your crotch. She snarks on her mother a bit, but Nate, much like this season's writing staff, just can't let go of the brain tumor thing. "Are you sure you want to marry me?" he asks. "We're all going to die, I know. But the chances of it happening are significantly higher for me. That's just a fucking fact." (Fk = 9) Brenda steps over to pull him close, and explains her thoughts on the impending marriage: "I'm marrying you because I love you. Because you're the first man that I thought I could actually stand to spend the rest of my life with. Or the rest of your life, if it's tragically cut short or whatever." There's some psychobabble, which culminates in Brenda describing the future as "just a concept." "All we have is this moment," she says. "Right here. Right now." Shut up, Jesus (Jones). She finishes by tenderly placing a hand on Nate's face, and telling him in solemn tones that he should "Be here. Now." Shout-out? As they head off the beach, Nate calls out that he knows "a really cool Rabbi" who could perform the ceremony.
Aaron: Be here? Now? Aww. I didn't know you cared.
Alan Ball: What the fuck are you talking about?
Aaron: You know, it's just like "Get out. Now," only it's the opposite, and I'm always saying you like to do the opposite, so it's a shout-out, right?
Alan Ball: Man, what a fucking moron.
Aaron: See? You do care.
Alan Ball: Yeah. Whatever. Look, I'm a busy man. Are we going to be doing this after every fucking paragraph?
Aaron: I don't know. Am I going to be writing about Nate's brain tumor in every paragraph?
Alan Ball: Oh, for fuckety fuck's fucking sake! We've been the fuck over this. For the last goddamn motherfucking fuck time, Nate's got AVM. Arterio. Venous. Malfuckmation. It's not a fucking tumor!
Aaron: Heh.
Alan Ball: What the fuck are you laughing at now?
Aaron: "It'z naht a toomuh."
Alan Ball: Fuck you.
Over at the largest apartment ever owned by a police officer, Keith comes stumbling out of the bedroom in his robe. "Did you sleep okay?" inquires David, who's already dressed and drinking coffee. When Keith admits that he's still not sleeping, David suggests medication, because drugs are much better than "choosing to suffer when you don't have to." Keith replies with a tired "fuck you," (Fk =10) before asking if there's any more coffee left. "I really don't think you should be drinking coffee when your sleep is still so erratic," moms David. But when Keith gives him yet another dirty look, David mutters, "Suit yourself, bitch" and gets up to fetch him another cup. Heh. Meanwhile, Keith reclines on the sofa and listens to a news report about Enron until he notices a random bottle sitting on the mantle. As he gets up to investigate, we see that the news report is actually CNN playing on the TV. Ah, AOL Time Warner strikes again. When David returns bearing coffee, we learn that the bottle contains Taylor's "Gummi vitamins," which she left behind when she went back to live with Mom. Keith wants to run them over to her so he can also check and see if Karla is still klean, but David suggests that he give them some time alone first. "You need to take care of yourself right now," he says. "That's what you're for," replies the Sleepy Black Sex Cop, as he begins undressing his Fully-Awake (if you know what I mean, and I think you do) White Sex Mortician. David wonders if he "basically exists just to serve [Keith]," and Keith pretty much says that he does. They kiss.
Back at the Fortress, the two largest feet on the planet are watching The Teletubbies. It turns out that the feet are attached (albeit somewhat tenuously) to Nikolai, who's whacked out on painkillers and trying to make sense of what he sees on the screen. Aren't we all, Nikolai. Aren't we all. And can I just say that I love whoever it is that's been finding these video clips to run on the TVs this season? It's not quite a Lauren Ambrose-sized love, but it's getting close. Anyway, Ruth comes in and leaves him some lunch to eat during the day, and then she wanders into the kitchen, where she finds Claire debating whether or not Britney Spears is still a virgin. How is that even a debate? I've seen less slutty girls working the street corners near my office building, for God's sake. Mommie Drearest asks her daughter to check in on Nikolai when she gets home, but Claire lies and says she has plans with DangerSlut because "[she] figured it was better to have a total loser for a friend than no friends at all." And there's yet another reason she should be hanging out with me. Mom is buying the whole DangerSlut routine until Claire goes too far and claims they're going to visit "the Getty." "Do you think I'm an idiot?" asks Mom. "No, of course not," sighs Claire. "But it's not like I'm lying to, like, cover up my drug habit. I'm lying to get out of emptying the bedpan of some man you're sleeping with. I don't think I should have to do that." Heh. You'll never have to empty MY bedpan, Lauren. That's what Mike Binder is for. Mom gets all testy at this point, and tells Claire that she has no idea how easy her life is. "Please tell me you're not going to start talking about your legless grandmother again," says Claire. Hee! And thankfully, she's not. "I pity you, Claire," Mom says instead. "You are under the mistaken impression that life owes you something. Well, you're in for some very harsh surprises. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go fuck my legless boyfriend."
Downstairs, David has finally managed to drag himself into work. The only problem is that the area around his mouth appears to be bright red and inflamed for some reason. The dialogue here is the only part of the episode worth transcribing verbatim, so here we go:
Nate: What's with the red face?
David: Oh. Um, Keith and I were…fooling around, and, well, he hadn't shaved.
Nate: You big whore!
David: Is it really bad?
Nate: Nah. Actually, yes. It's bright red. It's red as a baboon's ass.
David: Oh my God! I look like a burn victim.
As David examines his face in a mirror, Nate asks the real question that's on his mind, which is whether or not David would be the best man at his wedding. David agrees delightedly, and they both head off to chat with the clients of the week.
Which is where we head as well, as we join them in Das Sargzimmer. I can't even begin to describe the horror that is Peter Krause's hair in this scene, but let me just say that edge lights are not his friend. That stuff looks radioactive, for God's sake. David tries his best to cover his mouth as he explains that the DGDJ had already made all the arrangements, so all the two daughters sitting across from him have to do is show up. Basically, this scene has two points. One is to emphasize the fact that the DGDJ wanted to be buried to their mother, and the other is for one of the daughters (the one who doesn't look like a reject from Designing Women) to tell David that she knows the number of a good dermatologist. With both missions accomplished, it's now time to move on.
Keith arrives at Karla's place, vitamins in hand, and he's met at the door by Taylor. She quickly takes the vitamins from him, tosses them in the trash, and explains that she's staying home from school because Karla is sick. The place is once again a big mess, and for the first time all season, Taylor isn't watching something disgusting on TV. Unless, that is, you consider Nelly Furtado disgusting, which many of us do. Karla emerges from the bedroom looking like shit, and warns Keith to stay away because she's got the flu. "Have you seen a doctor?" he asks, the disbelief clear in his voice. "I ain't paying nobody's doctor a hundred bucks just to tell me to stay in bed," she replies. "Fuck that shit." Fk=11. Keith strides over and checks to see if she's got a fever, which prompts Karla to ask if he wants to "shove a thermometer up [her] ass." I know I shouldn't laugh at homophobic subtext, but heh nonetheless. Keith sends Taylor to his room so he and her mother can argue, and she goes reluctantly. There's much Angry Keith-style screaming as he demands that Karla enter rehab, and there's also at least two more "fucks" (Fk=13), before Karla accuses her brother of becoming just like their father. "What are you gonna do ?" she shouts. "Slap me so hard I can't hear out of one ear for the day and a half?" Keith remains kold, and tells her that she can either do rehab or he'll call the cops on her. We get a too-tight close-up on Karla as she brings herself back under control, and finally makes the decision to get help. "It has to be outpatient," she insists. "I'm not leaving Taylor again." She sits herself down on the couch and cries a single tear as the scene comes to an end.
Aaron: Um, you do realize that you're averaging more than a fuck a minute at this point, right?
Alan Ball: Yeah, so? You got a fucking problem with that?
Aaron: No, of course not. It just seems sorta uncalled for, you know? I mean, not even Mike Binder was that bad.
Alan Ball: Did you just compare me to Mike Binder?
Aaron: Well, no. I just…
Alan Ball: Because THAT'S uncalled for.
Aaron: I'm sorry.
Alan Ball: You should be.
Aaron: I know.
[Awkward silence]
Alan Ball: You wanna do some bong hits?
Aaron: Man, I thought you'd never ask.
For those of you keeping score at home, StC = 943. We're down in the Body Shop, and Rico is examining the DGDJ. "No major facial damage, that's a plus. I'm gonna have to do some major plug-ins on the top of the head here, though. It's a good thing he's not bald." Shout-out? "Why is that?" wonders a Nate who's been rendered oddly stupid for this scene. "Uhhh, it would be hard to wig him," answers Rico as he rolls his eyes. "Because everyone remembered him with his head all nice and shiny." Definitely a shout-out. Just then, we hear Nikolai calling out for help from upstairs. There's funny facial expressions all around, and then Nate and David bolt to go pick up a casket. Rico rolls his eyes again, and I escape the scene without telling him to shut up even once.
Upstairs, Claire is back on AOL again, chatting with Billy. As the camera lingers seductively over the America On-Line logo and subliminal messages instructing us to use AOL and watch TBS flash in the background, she agrees to meet up with him the day. She also asks if he thinks Britney is a virgin, and Billy replies that he already fucked her four times that day (Fk=14). Claire's response? "LOL you are such a sicko [sic]." Oh, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren. What happened to our love? "LOL"? I mean, really. Why don't you just put a smiley on our wedding invitations while you're at it? Just don't be trying that shit in the forums here, okay? Incidentally, those of you who've already been suckered into using AOL (Hi, Mom!) should go check out the profiles for ICDeddPeople and BillyBatty. Someone from the show has registered them, and they're pretty funny. Claire, for example, claims that she's married to "a big scary marine," and that her hobby is "setting him loose on internet geeks who bother [her]." Shout-out? Although I always thought Claire wanted to be a marine herself. You know, so she could "kill, kill, kill!" Billy, on the other hand, variously describes himself as a "whack job," "quite the catch," and a "pharmacology sponge." Just so you know. Now Claire hears Nikolai complaining about how bored he is, and she ignores him to go back to her chat.
Over at Nikolai's Legless Flower Shop, Ruth and Robbie are gossiping about how her caring for Nikolai has improved the relationship. Nothing really interesting happens, so I have to figure that the only reason Alan Ball slipped this scene in was so we could hear Ruth saying, "It's not just about the sex anymore." Thanks, Alan. I'm going to go shower now.
It's lunchtime at the Formaldehyde Fortress, and Rico sneaks into the kitchen to grab his lunch out of the fridge. He's quickly busted by Nikolai, however, who complains that he's finished his own lunch and is still hungry. Cut to the two of them sitting side-by-side, watching TV and eating Rico's lunch. While I'm still giggling over the image of tiny little Rico sitting in a wheelchair and Nikolai's hair looking even worse than Nate's, they start discussing some woman from whatever show they're watching. As The Corpse Turns, perhaps. Or maybe General Mortuary. It is that time of day. Anyway, Nikolai describes the woman as being "a wildcat in love…the kind that leaves scratch marks all over your body," but Rico can't get past the fact that she's at least sixty years old. He's also upset when Nikolai claims that she's Latin, which therefore makes her "hot-blooded." I guess that's supposed to show Rico why he shouldn't call people "homos" all the time, but it sort of falls flat. These two don't make anywhere near the quality comedy pairing you'd expect them to. Nikolai finally asks about the bruises on Rico's face, to which Rico replies that "it's none of [Nikolai's] fucking business." Fk=15.
Despite the fact that they left the building not three scenes ago, Nate and David are right back in Das Sargzimmer, meeting with the extremely attractive trophy wife of the DGDJ. She's played by Dina Meyer, whom most of you will remember as the naked girl from that shower scene in Starship Troopers. No, not that one. The other one. No, not her either. The one in the corner. You know, the wholesome one who sleeps with the hero and must therefore die a horrible death at the hands of a giant napalm-spewing beetle. Yeah. Her. Also, here's where Sars points out that she was also on . ["She was, uh, also on ." -- Sars] Anyway, she's ranting and raving about the fact that the DGDJ decided to be buried to his ex-wife instead of her. She's especially angered by how much the previously seen daughters must be enjoying that news, since they never believed she was good enough for their father. When Nate cautiously reveals that there is still an unpaid balance on the funeral arrangements, she gets an evil grin and tells them that even though the DGDJ left everything to her, she's not going to pay.
Hey, look! There's finally an actual brother in Brenda's Brotherfucking Boudoir. Hopefully, its days as a Handjob Hacienda are over now that Billy's back in town. Or are they? Anyway, they chat about Mom for a moment, and the fact that she's on "some sort of cruise for the recently separated. Or maybe it's for people who want to quit smoking." If it's for both, can I get a ticket? Brenda asks if he's spoken to their father, and he shrugs and says, "Yeah, right." Speaking of which, I'm so right. He's gonna kill Dad. He also claims that living with Zhora is better than the hospital, and that his psychiatrist is a genius. Is that a subtle slam on Brenda, perhaps? Moving to the sink to wash her lettuce, Brenda explains about Nate's brain tum…uh, condition, and Billy seems properly saddened by the news. Until, that is, he throws in, "Well, now I know why you're marrying him." "Fuck you!" shouts Brenda (Fk=16), who's clearly had a nerve touched by that statement. She complains about how cruel Billy can be, and Billy says that she invalidates everything he says that might challenge her authority, adding, "You learned that from Mom." "The same way you learned how to explain everything to me like I'm an idiot from Dad," snarks Brenda, and then Billy gets in the last word with, "No, I learned that from you." Good one, Billy. Brenda wonders if he's still mad that she had him committed, but he insists that it was the best thing that could have ever happened to him, and that the reason he wouldn't see her while he was in there was because she "contributed a lot to his pathology." He chews her out for being way too overprotective of him when they were kids, and she calls him a "fucking asshole." Fk=17. The argument escalates, and Billy finally explains that they need to disengage, because their relationship "is really toxic." Then he leaves, saying that he has somewhere he has to be. Brenda just looks lost.
The Fortress. Claire is all dressed up and looking pretty when Nate intercepts her on the way out the door. He asks where she's going, and if Billy is going to be there, and she pretty much challenges him by saying yes. He warns her about Billy's psychotic tendencies, but Claire announces that she'll just "file that under couldn't possibly matter less." She also says, in the cutest way possible, that she can take of herself. Aww. She's totally wrong, but still really cute, and in the end that's basically all I care about. When Nate asks if she's spent enough time with Billy to be sure of her safety, she explains his condition thusly: "He's got a disease, he went through a period where he went off his medication because he was fucked up [Fk=18] and in denial about it. It's under control now." And then her eyes bore straight into Nate's brain as she adds the kicker: "Sound familiar?"
And speaking of boring, Ruth and Nikolai are eating dinner and discussing their day. Business was slow, Robbie is lazy, blah blah blah, Ruth checked out the store's bookkeeping. Nikolai doesn't want her anywhere near the books, but Ruth insists that she has a financial stake now that she's paying his medical bills. Whatever. She does get in one good "language!" however, when Nikolai describes the possibility of his being audited as "bullshit."
Sitting in front of a roaring fire at his mother's place, Billy thanks Claire for being the only person who kept in touch with him while he was in "The Home For The Tragically Inappropriate." "Are you kidding me?" asks Claire. "Your emails were, like, totally brilliant. I saved them all. It's the only thing that kept me going." Now that HAS to be a shout-out, right? Right?!? Yeah, I know. But do me a favor and leave me alone with my delusions, okay? They chat about Gabe for a minute, and how Claire isn't at all sorry now that he's gone, and then Billy leans in to ask her for some assistance on a project of his. Claire and her giant oversized watch quickly agree to help.
Back at Brenda's Bitched-Out By Her Brother Boudoir, Brenda listens to angry rock and goes through her collection of illicitly obtained phone numbers. She seems to have a lot of them, which would indicate that we've been spared any number of scenes of public indecency these past few weeks. Thanks, Alan. And this time I mean it.
Suddenly, my screen is filled with the frightening visage of Leeza Gibbons, as she interviews David and Keith in their apartment. It's clearly a dream sequence, but what I can't figure out is why they went with Leeza over AOL Time Warner's own Deborah Norville. Someone in the product placement office is so getting fired for that one. The basic premise here is that Keith and David are the perfect couple, with a loving relationship and two beautiful children. Heck, they're even talking about having a third. "I think the key is to do everything together," says David. "From PTA meetings to the White Party in Palm Springs." My lack of L.A. knowledge prevents me from knowing exactly what the "White Party" is, but I think I've got a pretty good guess, and I'm sure that if I'm wrong, someone on the forums will enlighten me. It does, however, remind me of last year's TWoP Writer's Summit, which was held on the same weekend as something called The Leather Ball. Let's just say we fit right in. David is awakened from his dream by Keith, who's still whining about his lack of sleep. He also mentions that maybe David shouldn't stay over that night, because he's been there for six straight nights, and they might be moving too fast. David is quick to agree to leave, and doesn't really seem all that bothered by it. Of course, this display of non-doormat-ness turns Keith on a bit, and he grabs David's hand and leads him off to the bedroom. Fade to white.
Aaron: Aww. They're such a cute couple.
Alan Ball: Really? The dream sequence wasn't too over the top?
Aaron: Not at all. And besides, I've got to admit, Keith is really starting to turn me on with all this moody and mean stuff he's been pulling lately.
Alan Ball: That's just…ew.
Aaron: What?
Alan Ball: Dude, you can't even land Lauren, so I think it's safe to say that Mathew is more than a little out of your league.
Aaron: Oh.
Alan Ball: I'd put in a good word for you with that guy over on The Shield, but USA is pretty much the only network we DON'T own, so I'm not sure if I can.
Aaron: That's okay. [sniffle]
Alan Ball: Aww. Do you need a hug?
Aaron: At the bare minimum, yes.
Fade back up in Das Sargzimmer, where Trophy Wife Dina and the DGDJ's daughters are bickering about the funeral arrangements. Highlights from the argument include David saying there's no need for involving lawyers, Dina calling a daughter "ferret-face," a daughter calling Dina a "gold-digging slut," and yet another "fuck." Fk=19. The best line, however, comes when Daughter #2 says to Dina that "there are naked pictures of you on the internet. My son showed them to me." Heh. Oh, and don't worry if you're reading this at work. The link is PG-13. Nate, who's been slumped on the sofa mourning the unfortunate Flock Of Seagulls look his hair has sculpted itself into this week, just can't take it anymore. "Shut up!" he yells suddenly. "All of you, shut the fuck up!" Fk=20. He continues, "A man died. Your husband. Your father. He was alive, and now he's dead. Show some respect. [To Dina] And if you really loved him, and I believe you did, you'll give him what he wanted. If you don't, then you never really loved him. It's as simple as that." Daughter #1 thanks Nate snidely for intervening on their side, but he's not done yet. "And if I so much as get a phone call from anybody's lawyer," he says threateningly, "we'll give the body back and the three of you can tear him to pieces like fucking jackals if you want to. It's. Not. Your. Decision." Heh again. And also, Fk=21. Nate storms out of the room, and if you're interested in finding naked pictures of him on the internet, this might be a good place to start. That one's PG-13 too, but still significantly scarier than the first link.
up is Keith checking Karla into rehab. She cries and psychobabbles, and he reassures her. I, meanwhile, have finally found a plot I care less about than Rico's. The acting was pretty good, though.
Anyway, now Brenda is shopping for books somewhere. She wanders through the self-help section, checking out the various titles. She passes Living with Life-Threatening Illness, I Hate You, Don't Leave Me, Charlotte: Light and Dark and Damaged Beyond Repair, before finally spotting Your Brother's A Wacko And Your Fiancé is Going to Die. Oddly enough, I already own that book. It's pretty good, but it just didn't speak to me. Disgusted with herself, she wanders over to what appears to be some kind of book signing in the back.
Meanwhile, Nate is doing some shopping of his own, in a fairly ritzy looking supermarket. As he strolls down the shocking plot-twist aisle, he suddenly encounters Lisa, standing between the bananas and Norman Bates's mother. He gets an extremely rectangular look of surprise on his face, and genuinely seems happy to see her. Lisa, on the other hand, appears to be a bit weirded out. She confesses that she finally took that job with the vegan movie producer, and now she's living in L.A. Well, actually, she says she's living in the Palisades, which makes me wonder about her intentions in shopping in Nate's neighborhood. Then again, I've already admitted that I know nothing about L.A., so maybe the Palisades IS Nate's neighborhood. Anyway, she's wearing a tightly buttoned jacket. That'll be important later. They chat a bit, and Nate invites her over to the "juice bar" so they can get caught up.
While they chat, Brenda is still at the bookstore, listening to some smarmy-looking Eurotrash author read passages from his book, which is entitled The Lie of Romance. We get a slow push-in on Brenda and the author's faces as he speaks, so you pretty much know they're going to fuck soon.
Which brings us back to Nate and Lisa and the question of whether or not they've fucked already. Lisa asks him about his life, and Nate (somewhat reluctantly) admits that he and Brenda are engaged. Lisa takes this news like she's been kicked in the stomach (and all things considered, it's entirely possible that she has been). When he asks if she's seeing anyone, her response is to simply open her coat and say, "No, not really. Oh, by the way, I'm pregnant." Oh. My. God. I gotta be honest and say that I'm not really sure how to take this news. Sars told me she was cursing at her TV when it happened, and I'm not really all that excited myself about the prospect of a hairy little anvil walking the Earth. And since the soap opera overtones of the whole thing have been done to death in the forums and on the homepage, I'm not even going to go there. I'll just say that I'm disappointed that Alan Ball felt he had to turn to a secret pregnancy to drum up interest in the show. Then again, Glark had to turn to a fake firing this week to drum up interest in the Smallvilleforums (not that they really needed it), so maybe I shouldn't say anything. On the other hand, it would be kinda cool if we could have a fake firing here every week, don't you think? You know, like, "Tune in week, when Jessica compliments Dawson and gets escorted from the building by security!" No? All right, fine. Back to the show. I guess I'll just reserve judgment until the season finale, when Baby Nate will no doubt emerge from the birth canal to deliver a stirring meditation on the meaning of life.
Either way, Nate is utterly shocked that he could be the father. The look on his face as he tries to deny responsibility is perfect, however, and Lisa is forced to explain. "Don't you remember when you came to Seattle last August, and you fucked me [Fk=22], and then you left the day like it didn't mean a goddamn thing?" Oh, come on. He left you the shirt. It must have meant something. Lisa isn't finished, however, and she adds that "it obviously meant something, since [he was] crying like a fucking baby that night." Fk=23. Nate denies that he was crying over Lisa, but she doesn't even listen. "You were crying because you knew you were home," she insists. "Because you missed me. Because you knew that you and I should be together. And then you fucked me [Fk=24]." She also describes Nate as a "fucking coward, who's never going to own up to the way [he] feels about [her]." Dear God in heaven! Run away, Nate! Run far, far away! Can't you see that Lisa lies? She lies with her eyes! And also her uterus, apparently. Nate is furious that she didn't tell him, but Lisa reminds him that they "already did this once before." Only this time, she's actually going to keep the baby. And if nothing else, convincing a girl like Lisa to get an abortion does seem to be a very Nate thing to have done. At least the pre-show version of Nate, that is. Lisa moves to leave, but has one last parting shot before she goes: "Congratulations on the whole 'getting married' thing," she says. "She must be out of her fucking mind." Heh. I knew Alan would get that double meaning in somewhere. Also, Fk=25.
Aaron: She's pregnant? You've got to be kidding me.
Alan Ball: Why? You love this plotline. You two were meant to be together.
Aaron: I don't know. I mean, what's ? Amnesia?
Alan Ball: You ought to just be thankful I didn't have Gabe knock up Claire.
Aaron: Good point.
Alan Ball: And besides, you really need to relax, and trust that I'll handle this situation with all of the classy and dignified writing that I'm so rightly fucking famous for.
Aaron: I suppose. But if Keith turns out to be Taylor's father, I'm going back to Mind of the Married Man.
Alan Ball: Dear God in heaven! Run away, Aaron! Run far, far away!
Off a long shot of Nate, struggling to digest this news, we cut to Brenda and the author, rolling around on the bathroom floor. Ew. Ew, ew, ew, ew, and ew. That's disgusting. Not even Paulie Walnuts would do something like that. Anyway, they mack, urinal-style.
The Ironic Segue Fairy uses the sound of someone knocking on the door to change the scene over to Billy's place, where Claire has just arrived. Billy answers the door in a robe, and invites her inside, where he's set up a little photography studio. Claire is clearly nervous as he explains the workings of the camera, and Billy gives her further instructions on what to do. "Just follow your instincts," he tells her. "Relax, and don't think about yourself at all. I know that's impossible for a seventeen-year-old." "Eighteen," corrects Claire quickly. Billy smiles, and says, "What you don't know is that you're going to be eighteen for the rest of your life." It doesn't seem as creepy on the show as it sounds here, so I don't think he meant it as a threat. Anyway, he quickly drops the robe, and turns around to present us with his ass. And also his tattoo scar. That one gets an "ew," too. Claire snaps away with the camera as Billy goes on a long rant about how he really wants to see the scar, and how he needs "someone else's eyes" to see him. Claire's eyes, meanwhile, are locked on his face in the viewfinder, even though she tells him she's taking pictures of the scar. Billy continues his diatribe by deconstructing the story of Narcissus, and then strikes a dramatic pose as he breaks out in tears. He spins around, causing Lauren Ambrose to crack me up with the way she averts her eyes, and announces that she shouldn't be freaked out. "This is exactly what I needed to happen," he says, laughing and sobbing at the same time. "Oh, God. I'm fucking crying. [Fk=26] I'm sorry, this is intense. You can go. I'll be all right." And with that, Claire bolts out of there, hopefully forever.
We're forty-one minutes in, so it must be time for a montage. Brenda types on her laptop and smokes a joint (POT=1), while Nate cruises down the highway on his motorcycle. At least he's wearing a helmet this week.
At the Legless Flower Shop, some scary-looking Russian guy shows up, demanding to see Nikolai. There's some not very funny "comedy" bits as Robbie tries not to appear intimidated, and then the Mob Guy steals a bouquet of roses. He delivers a not-very-thinly veiled threat, and leaves.
Out on the beach, Nate tears off his helmet and starts chatting with The Late Nate, who congratulates him for "not shooting blanks." Nate can't decide whether or not to tell Brenda about the baby, and since we're in his head instead of a flashback, The Late Nate is once again relegated to playing his dark side. "Do you really think she'd stay with you?" he asks his son. "My guess is she's just looking for a way out anyway. You know, ever since she found out about the…[hilarious hand gesture pointing at Nate's brain]. Nothing turns the women on more than a potentially fatal brain condition," he continues. "Try coughing up blood. I bet you'll be getting laid left and right." Well, it hasn't been working for me so far, but I'll definitely keep at it. Flick. Ahhhhhh. Nate has remained silent through this entire spiel, so The Late Nate keeps on talking. "You know, buddy-boy, sometimes you can be a fucking moron [Fk=27]…you can get away with anything. There's shit about me you still don't know. Things you'll never know. And you're better off for it." I'm going to indulge my deluded self-importance a bit here and pretend that he's talking about the lipstick-coated glass. Nate finally manages to say that Brenda deserves to know, and Dead Dad looks him right in the eye and says, "You want to die alone? Go right ahead." And then we cut to Nate, standing alone on the beach. Nice one.
Non-nice one. We're at Brotherfucking Boudoir, and Brenda is ranting about her bathroom boffing to poor bored-out-of-her-mind Hooker Scrunchieface. I'm not even going to bother trying to transcribe Brenda's ravings here, but she's basically thrilled to have done it, and there's a grand total of five "fucks" in the scene, so Fk now equals thirty-two. There's also at least one "goddamn" in a place where you just know Ball really wanted to say "fuck" but couldn't because it was already overused. The scene ends with Scrunchie offering to give Brenda the number of her psychiatrist, and that reminds me yet again of the one thing that really bothers me about this relationship. I mean, I can't be the only one who's wondering why Scrunchie hasn't offered her a job yet, right? I guess they're saving that one for the finale. Or possibly for week's episode, which is entitled "The Secret."
Back at the Fortress, Nikolai tells his sad, sad story to Ruth, who's clutching the shop's ledger to her chest. He explains about the death of his wife, and glosses over the death of his son so that they can keep that plot point alive for use in the future. For those of you who are curious about Nikolai trivia, his first job in America was cleaning toilets in a movie studio. I hear that's how Alan got his start as well. Nikolai doesn't even know how much he owes anymore, and says that the whole thing is "no different from Moscow." Aww. Poor Nicky. No legs, no money, and a crazy lady for a girlfriend. Then again, we've all been there at some point in our lives, right?
David comes home to find Keith once again slumped on the couch. Putting down the groceries he's carrying, David asks if it's because of the shooting. "Damn, David," snarls Angry Keith. "You're like a fucking broken record about that." Fk=33. David just wants to help, but Keith maintains that he's allowed to feel shitty every now and then. He's also happy that Taylor is gone because he's "sick and tired of taking care of everyone else's fucking problems." Fk=34. David responds to all this with complete calm, and Keith eventually settles down and apologizes for taking out his anger on him. "You can tell me to shut the fuck up," he says (Fk=35), but David claims he doesn't mind, and that we all need to vent sometimes. After a long silence, Keith asks all matter-of-factly if David wants to have sex on the living room floor, and David puts away the groceries so they can do it. Heh.
His discussion with Dad done, Nate returns to Brenda's place for the night. They have a very couple-y conversation where she offers to make him dinner, and then Nate finds Eurotrash Author's book on the coffee table. He opens it to find an inscription which reads, "Enjoyed meeting you. Hope you enjoy this." It's not addressed to anyone, so Brenda claims that she borrowed the book from her mother. Also, if you pause it just right, it sort of looks like the inscription actually reads, "Enjoyed mounting you," which would be equally accurate. And as we realize how badly Brenda wants to be caught for her indiscretions, we fade to white.
Fade back up on the only time we'll see the DGDJ's face this week. Father Jack is conducting the funeral, with the daughters and their family on one side of the room, and Trophy Wife Dina on the other. In the back, Nate and David stand in their positions, and David asks Nate if he's feeling okay. Nate responds that he didn't sleep much the night before, and David continues his transition into Ruth by pestering him about taking care of himself. He also asks Nate if he's been avoiding getting "stressed out," and Nate shrugs off the irony of it all by saying he's doing the best he can. They're joined by Dina at this point, who thanks them for putting together a beautiful service. She also apologizes for the fight in Das Sargzimmer, and says that she's "just so fucking angry [Fk=36]. He shouldn't have died. He was still young." Brain shot. She sobs some more, and Nate gives her a long hug until she gets herself under control. Then she admits that she bought the crypts on either side of the DGDJ, just so that she could be buried to him and the daughters can't. Heh. She agrees to come in the day and make all the arrangements in advance, and Nate and David shared an impressed smile as she walks away.
Well, it looks like that rehab center must have one-hour service, because Karla is all cleaned up and calling around to find a job. But then Taylor walks in holding a specimen cup, and things get real ugly, real quick. I can't believe anyone on this planet would stoop so low as to have their daughter pee in a cup for them. I also can't believe that Taylor isn't smart enough to have figured out what's going on. I guess she's only precocious when it's funny. Or when it's related to gay sex. ["Or she knows exactly what it's for, but it'll keep her and her mother together, so she's doing it anyway." -- Sars] Anyway, Karla thanks her for helping out, and tells her daughter that she'll have to do this twice a week.
David once again enters Keith's place with a grocery bag, only this time he's surprised to find that Keith is at home. Apparently Keith's schedule got switched, and now he wants to know what's in the bag. David reluctantly sets it down and explains that it's just some things he wanted to keep there, since he's been spending so much time at Keith's place. The bag contains, among other things, a toothbrush, some Prevacid for his acid-reflux, a bite guard so that he doesn't grind his teeth, a hypoallergenic buckwheat pillow, and some earplugs for when Keith snores. You know, there's about nine million jokes I could make here, but almost all of them would get me slapped with a lawsuit by an ex-girlfriend who I know reads the site, so I'm not even going to go there. "Are you moving in?" asks Keith. "Because I don't remember discussing you moving in." "I'm not moving in," says David. "Jesus, are you paranoid, or what?" Keith stares him down some more, and David insists that he still has his own place. "Would you like me to go there now?" he adds, before Keith says no and leans in to give him a little kiss. "I made dinner," he tells David. "Oz is on." A perplexed David wonders if the term "mixed messages" means anything to Keith, who quickly admits that he was just teasing. "I'm just fucking with you, fool," he laughs [Fk=37]. "I think you should move in…what are we waiting for?" David gets a huge smile on his face, and then does a little pirouette to check the place out as he redecorates it in his head.
At the Fortress, Nate is working in his office when Claire comes in. She asks what he's doing, and he claims that he's just making a list of things to do the day. You can check The Wake if you want to know more. She also apologizes for their fight earlier, and says that he was totally right about Billy being a freak. And then she gives him a really big hug, and I'm not sure whether to be touched by her love for her brother, or jealous that Peter Krause has his face pressed into her chest.
And finally, Claire goes upstairs to check her AOL email. Proving that Alan Ball has apparently never once used the internet, she doesn't have even a single piece of spam in her inbox. Yeah, right. I've gotten twenty-three stock tips, seventeen credit card offers, and at least three separate invitations to participate in various forms of bestiality just in the last six hours alone. The one piece of email she does have, however, is from Billy. It's copies of the pictures she took, and she gets a strange smile on her face as she looks them over. I'll ignore the fact that they were clearly taken from a different angle than the one she was standing at, and just say that some of them were pretty good. And as Claire herself realizes this, we fade to white.
So that's it, kids. The final fuck score was thirty-seven, which may very well be a record for a one-hour show not written by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. If that's what you guessed back on page one, you're a winner. If it's not, you're a fucking moron. Either way, I'll see you back here week, where I'll regale you with references to movies, any number of possible RDC challenges, and my thoughts on the Stanley Cup playoffs. You won't want to miss that.
Aaron: Hmm. Let's see. Thirty-seven fucks, extended male nudity, and a secret pregnancy. Yep. That sounds like an Alan Ball episode to me.
Alan Ball: Do I detect a note of sarcasm in your voice, young man?
Aaron: Who, me? Never.
Alan Ball: Good. Because you're no better, you know.
Aaron: What do you mean?
Alan Ball: Well, let's see. I think I counted about 450 uses of the word "incidentally," ninety-four pathetic mentions of how much you love Lauren, and at least a half dozen shout-out claims that have nothing whatsoever to do with you. Yep. Sounds like an Aaron recap to me.
Aaron: Get out. Now.
Alan Ball: Heh.
Aaron: What the fuck are you laughing at?
Alan Ball: Ah'll be back.