I just don't understand Christmas. Oh sure, I get the basic concept -- prudish woman gives birth in a barn, everyone exchanges presents -- but the reasoning behind secular America's enduring obsession with celebrating an ever lengthening "holiday season" continues to escape me. Now, don't get me wrong. I enjoy elves, singing snowmen, and bright twinkly lights just as much as the guy who ingests the occasional psychotropic substance, but I've never quite been moved by the "holiday spirit" the way some of my fellow men seem to be. I guess it's probably because I'm Jewish. Certainly the fact that you all enjoy paid, government-sponsored days off for your holidays while I have to take vacation for mine can't be helping. On the other hand, I am forced to admit that your "holiday songs" are a lot better than ours, as anyone who's ever heard the famous Passover tune about the goat that gets eaten by a cat can attest. Anyway, all this is by way of saying that I usually don't enjoy it when shows do very special Christmas episodes (check out my recap of the worstSopranosepisode ever for confirmation), but this week I'm forced to make an exception. Once again, Alan Ball has confounded my Christmas expectations. Looks like somebody's getting coal again this year.
Now there's no new version of the theme song this week, so in order to get all of you into the proper frame of mind for enjoying the recap, I'd like to make the following statements: this recap will be seventy-three. Pages. Long. Keith is hot. Marry me, Lauren. Ruth was absolutely correct to wear panties to work. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, c'est soir? Of course, I hope I don't get fired while my dear, sweet Sars is on vacation. Incidentemente, todos los estos son TM del mismo, oaklander, y Moya La Leviathan.
Lauren Ambrose: What the hell are you doing?
Aaron: It's a drinking game. I'm trying to get them all drunk so they don't notice the typos.
Lauren: Good plan. God knows that's the only way I can ever read your stuff.
Aaron: Aww. That's so sweet. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, c'est soir?
Lauren: Gehen sie hinaus. Jetzt.
Oh, and for you people, I also have this: after drinking several margaritas laced with Russian dressing, Bob ran off all willy-nilly to Disneyland, intent on engaging in an incestuous relationship with a mutant William Shatner. Unfortunately, Shatner's haggard, Darth Vader-like insistence that Bob repeatedly perform what he referred to as a "variation on Enrique Iglesias's famed 'fixie-fixie' sexual techniques" prevented him from finding any joy in this illicit, yet torrid, love affair. So instead, the mutant Shatner just ate some Camembert, staged a live reading of Lewis Carroll's "Jabberwocky," and made plans for an extended concert tour in several former Warsaw Pact states. The end.
And now, on with the show.
This week opens with a bearded fat man watching football, and those of you with an unhealthy obsession with your TiVo's eight-second replay button may have noticed that the game announcer's audio doesn't quite match the video. Before we can spend too much time pondering the meaning of that, however, the fat guy's equally fat (yet non-bearded) wife appears to remind him that it's time to go to work. He emerges from the bedroom soon after, dressed in a full Santa suit and complaining that it itches. There are some tender moments between man and wife here (especially her touching admonition against "flirting with the faggoty elves"), and then the soon-to-be-dead Santa heads out the door. Cut to a park bench, where a trio of children go from surly anger (one little girl calls the other a "loser butthole") to sheer happiness when they spot Santa cruising down the street on a Harley Davidson motorcycle. Their youthful exuberance is then rewarded with the sight of Kris Kringle getting creamed by an oncoming truck, and the arrival of his now empty bike helmet, which skitters to a stop at their feet. I've got to stop and give major props to whichever crew member tossed that helmet into the frame, because it was definitely a pretty impressive throw. I wonder how many takes that took? Anyway, farewell Jesse Ray Johnson. Looks like you're heading off to that great big North Pole in the sky. Try not flirt with any of the faggoty angels.
Fade up on the Formaldehyde Fortress, where David and Nate are sitting at the breakfast table, reviewing their annual haul of Christmas cards. David is upset because a client they thought was Jewish sent them a Christmas card with the Baby Jesus on it, while they sent him one with a picture of a dreidel. "Well, now he thinks we're Jewish," replies Nate. "Is Brenda Jewish?" interjects Ruth from her position at the sink, prompting Nate to deliver a long explanation of Brenda's family history which serves only to prove that she is, in fact, not Jewish. Whew. Thank God. I would have had to convert in protest if they'd let her in. The conversation moves to the subject of Christmas dinner, and Nate confirms that he and Brenda will be in attendance. David, however, claims he isn't planning on bringing a date. "But what about Keith?" inquires Ruth. "Aren't the two of you..." "Yes," replies David. "We're having healthy, affection-based sex on a regular basis. Sometimes twice a day." Heh. Mommie Drearest goes into screechy mode upon hearing this news, and demands that David get rid of the giant chip he has on his shoulder regarding her willingness to accept to his gay lifestyle. As is common for the Fisher siblings, Nate can only giggle as his little brother quickly backs down and agrees to invite Keith and Taylor for dinner.
Still not satisfied, Ruth also demands that someone go to midnight mass with her on Christmas Eve, and both brothers get devilish grins on their faces when Claire chooses just that moment to enter the kitchen. After demanding her attendance at church, Ruth also asks her daughter if she's planning to invite anyone for dinner. When Claire mentions the possibility of asking Loser Toby, Ruth's first instinct is to wonder why Dork Boy doesn't have any family of his own to spend Christmas with. "His parents are pagans," answers Claire, and Frances Conroy's disturbed reaction to that news was priceless. "Well when are you going to invite him?" she snaps. "I need to know how many yams to buy." "Look, if he's coming, I'll tell him to bring his own yam," snaps back Claire. Heh. Would you marry me if I promised to bring my own yam to the wedding? Mom is also upset that Christmas is in two days and no one has bothered to decorate the tree yet. "I wish I knew what I did to deserve such morose, surly children," she spits, before stomping out of the kitchen. Ordinarily, I'd offer to make Ruth a fairly lengthy list to answer that question, but this time I think she's got a point.
Rico's House of Homoerotic Home Repair. Vanessa is criticizing Rico's attempts at fixing their wall himself now that he's fired Ramon. Shut up, Vanessa. After she repeatedly accuses him of being jealous of his cousin's spackling skills, Rico finally breaks down and admits the real reason he sent Ramon packing. You know what? I'll care more about this plotline later, when it actually gets interesting.
Across town at a mall, Claire poses the eternal question, "If you were a gay mortician, what would you want for Christmas?" Now Toby may be loser, but even he knows the answer to that one: "A new life." They wander past the display area where Santa usually sits, which today is marked with a "closed" sign. Hee. That was pretty funny for a throwaway gag. As they continue to wander, they exchange stories about what Christmas is like in their respective families. Claire's involves "the smell of death and people crying," whereas Toby spends the holiday season "celebrating the winter solstice by watching [his] father play the recorder while [his] mother dances around a bonfire singing hymns to Gaia the Earth Goddess." They finally find a seat on a bench, and Claire tentatively asks The Loser to come to Christmas dinner. She also mentions that the whole thing was her mother's idea, because "ever since [Claire's] last boyfriend tried to kill himself, robbed a store, and shot a guy before disappearing off the face of the Earth, [her mom] wants to meet everyone [she] dates." Man, I know what that's like. My parents once grounded me for a month because my girlfriend got a speeding ticket. Toby says he'd be happy to come to dinner.
Back at the Fortress, Nate and David are bickering over the relative merits of accepting a biker funeral. Behind them we can see the Widow DJ and a couple of guys in leather checking out the coffin wall. David says that line from the previews about how much he loves biker funerals, and I'm sort of disappointed to learn that it's only because bikers tend to be rich and spend a lot of money on these things. I was sort of hoping David's penchant for learning about life from various dead gang members would be on display again this week.
Anyway, the brothers walk over, and Michael C. Hall switches his face into "professionally detached compassion" mode as he introduces himself. We learn that the Widow DJ is accompanied by "Pete" (a friend of the deceased), and also the Widow's brother "Bitsy." "As in 'itsy,'" says Bitsy, who if I'm remembering correctly was last seen on HBO as a football player in First & Ten. Pete runs off a list of requirements for the funeral, starting with the fact that the casket has to be made of steel. David points out that the "Camry" model is stainless steel, but Pete thinks that sounds foreign (And get it? Camry? Toyota? Never mind). After being assured that it's made right here in America (just like the Toyota Camry, for that matter), he also demands that the casket be airbrushed in midnight purple with orange flames, just like the DGDJ's Harley. "That is one hell of a bike," exclaims Nate, as he studies the picture Pete hands over. Pete also hands them a picture of the Widow DJ, which he wants printed on the inside of the coffin, "so she's looking down on him for all eternity." "That was Jesse's favorite picture of me," she says while both Nate and David examine it and raise their eyebrows in surprise. "I was Hustler's Beaver Hunt, April of '86." Heh. "That's uh...a very nice picture of you," manages Nate. Pete also adds in that they'll be needing a keg of Bud and a few cases of Jack in order to put on "one big-ass Christmas Day funeral." Nate tries to explain that Christmas is the only day the funeral home is closed, but Pete quickly offers to pay whatever it takes. "A big-ass Christmas Day funeral it is," snots David, who's laying on the money-grubbing thing a little thick here so we'll get the contrast with The Late Nate later on.
Speaking of later on, we now cut to Nate and David, upstairs at the kitchen table. Nate is upset to be working on Christmas Day, but David rightfully points out that they've had worse Christmases. "Yeah, we have," sighs Nate. "Do you remember the last time you saw him?" David thinks for a moment, but can't come up with an answer. Nate, on the other hand, remembers quite clearly, and the slow zoom into his face makes it clear that it's time for a flashback.
Dear God, that hair! I'd forgotten how much they've cleaned up Peter Krause now that he's a respectable (non-gay) mortician and everything. He's back to his season one hairdo in this scene, and it really looks like he's wearing some sort of animal pelt on his head. Assuming, of course, that whatever animal it was died in a bizarre accident involving an electrical shock and a giant vat of hair mousse. Anyway, he and Claire are out on the back porch after last year's Thanksgiving dinner, sharing a joint and bitching about the commercialization of Christmas. Suddenly, Dad appears, smoking a joint of his own, and everyone hurries to hide their respective vices. Nate and his father make some small talk, with Nate opining that they've got a lot to be thankful for. "Either that or we've lowered our expectations so much we've given up on anything better than this," says Dad, before breaking out in the giggles. I've got say, Richard Jenkins does a phenomenal job here of portraying a man who is stoned off his ass, knows damn well that his kids are stoned off their asses, and truly appreciates the irony of not being close enough to them to really talk about it. They banter a bit more, and then Dad heads off to pick up a body. Claire, meanwhile, has a total wide-eyed look on her face as she watches the men in her life interacting. Damn, she's cute. The Late Nate's last words to his eldest child are, "It's good to see you, son. Take care of yourself," and then we return from the flashback to see David leaving Nate alone with his thoughts at the kitchen table. Hmm. Symbolic much?
The Ghost of Christmas Past: I am the Ghost of Christmas Past. I have come to show you the error of your ways.
Aaron: Um, okay. You do know I'm Jewish, right?
The Ghost of Christmas Past: Oh. Well, that's gonna be a problem.
Aaron: Why? You can't do Chanukahs past?
The Ghost of Christmas Past: Hell no. We're union. I don't even have to work Kwanzaa.
Aaron: Wow. Good deal.
The Ghost of Christmas Past: Yep. Jimmy Hoffa's our shop steward.
Aaron: Wow. Jimmy's in heaven? I always assumed ending up in the Meadowlands was a one-way ticket to hell.
The Ghost of Christmas Past: Only for Bill Buckner.
And now it's time for the mandatory "Ew" scene of the week. Since the writers have apparently decided they've gone as far as they could go with disgusting corpse jokes (you don't hear Rico talking about baling wire and cat food cans much anymore, do you?), I guess we're now going to be treated to a disgusting Brenda sex scene in each episode. She's in a trendy store somewhere looking for clothes that are "so expensive only an idiot would buy them." She spots a handsome man perusing a rack of dresses, and notices that he's been checking her out, despite the presence of a much more attractive and less psychologically damaged extra standing right beside her. She moves over to stand to the guy, and in the interests of making a long, disgusting scene shorter and even more disgusting, I'll just skip ahead to the part where she grabs his hand and shoves it into her crotch. There's an unfortunately extended "grinding" shot, and then they're interrupted by the saleslady, who informs Finger Boy that his wife is waiting for him in one of the dressing rooms. Once he leaves, she also formally cements her role as my new hero in life by doing the one thing I know I'll never be able to do: kicking out Brenda.
Meanwhile, over at Nikolai The Flower Guy's store (where floral prints aren't just for panties anymore!), the big bear is putting the moves on Ruth. The fact that their blocking is identical to that of Brenda and Finger Boy escapes the attention of exactly no one. "Did you not wear panties today like I asked?" he inquires in his inimitable Russian accent, and Ruth primly replies that she "most certainly did not not wear panties today...It's unhygienic." He just can't let the panty thing go, however, and asks her to describe the pair she is wearing. Be careful what you wish for, Nikolai. "They're not sexy," explains Ruth. "They're Fruit of the Loom control top briefs, and they come three to a pack for fifteen dollars at Target." I'll let the vast amount of product placement in that sentence pass without comment, because the fact of the matter is that I love Target, and not only because I just bought my new X-Box there, either. Everyone should shop at Target. Every day. And they can feel free to send me a check for saying so, should they be so inclined. There's yet more discussion of the various things Ruth could do with her panties (which leaves me with the oddly discombobulating image of Peter Krause discussing Felicity Huffman's panties stuck in my head), and then she gets all haughty and insists that Nikolai not talk that way at work. It's not until she slaps him and stalks off, however, that Nikolai lets loose with a hearty laugh. And it's about time, too. I've been laughing for the whole scene. I also think it's worth noting that only on Six Feet Under would I find myself giggling like a schoolgirl during a discussion of an old woman's panties while simultaneously being disgusted by the sight of a relatively attractive woman engaged in a public sex act. Something seems a little backwards about that.
And apparently, I'm not the only who thinks that way. Hooker Scrunchieface has shown up to put in another brief appearance as Brenda's sexual confidant. Perhaps not surprisingly, she feels much the same disdain for Brenda's actions that I do. She also asks if this means that Brenda is having second thoughts about marrying Nate, and Brenda psychobabbles about her "natural biological drive" and adds that if nothing else, she got "another chapter out of it" for her book. You know, with the possible exception of Mike Binder's autobiography (entitled, no doubt, Hookers And Happy Endings: My Life As A Giant Asshole), I can't think of a single book on Earth I'd want to read less than Brenda's.
Back at the Fortress, David comes downstairs to find a bare Christmas tree and a full box of ornaments. He sighs, and bends down to get started decorating when suddenly the memory of the last time he saw his father comes back to him. It's actually a pretty cool shot, as we realize that The Late Nate was decorating the tree at the time, and light slowly fades into the scene. Suddenly, a younger, apron-clad David emerges from the basement, and asks for help embalming a client. Heh. Well, okay, that's not actually funny now, but it will be later on when Rico shows up. The Late Nate tries to get David to relax and take a break, and even goes so far as to offer him a shot of rum. David declines, but they do take a moment to reminisce about how David always wanted to leave milk and cookies for Santa when he was a kid, but Dad kept saying that "what Santa really needs is a shot." "I always thought you meant a shot, like a shot of penicillin," replies David, and they both laugh at the follies of childhood. Also, do you see what they did there? With the constant subtle miscommunications between a father and his children? This show gives great subtext. All Dad really wants here is to spend some time with his boy, but David insists that he's just too busy. And as we pan back over from the couch, the light fades out, and David is once again crouched alone over a box full of unlit Christmas lights.
Now it's Christmas Eve, and Nate and Brenda are riding in the elevator up to her mom's apartment. Brenda mentions that Mom has invited a "special guest" for the evening, and that her last "special guest" turned out to be "a twenty-four-year-old Venezuelan pool-boy who makes up for his lack of English by being fluent in the language of power fucking." "I'll try not to get into a conversation with him," snarks Nate, although personally, I'd think a pair of semi-illiterate fuck machines like those two would have a lot to talk about. In the hallway outside Zhora's door, Nate stops Brenda to ask if she remembers what happened a year ago that night. She immediately thinks he's talking about the death of his father, and apologizes for not having said anything about it. Nate actually has to remind her that it's also their anniversary (if you consider fucking in a broom closet to be a first date, that is. And for the record, I do), and Brenda says flippantly that it seems like they've been together for twenty years. At this point, all of the hair on Nate's back suddenly coalesces into an unfamiliar thick, pole-like material that bears a surprising resemblance to a spine. "You know what?" he shouts. "If you don't want to be with me then don't, okay? Why do you treat me like shit all the time?" "Because I had a really fucked-up life," answers a defensive Brenda, "and I use sarcasm to hide how ridiculously vulnerable I am, okay?" On the one hand, I kind of want to smack Brenda for being so self-centered, even while apologizing, but on the other, I do realize that I would never do something like using sarcasm to hide personal vulnerability. No, sirree. Sarcasm is bad, bad, bad.
As an anniversary present, Nate now pulls out his grandmother's ring and offers it to Brenda. Hmm. That's now their third engagement ring, and while I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere about Brenda needing Finger Boy's attentions because her own hands are so weighted down with jewelry, I've decided for all our sakes not to go there. Brenda finally seems moved by this gesture, and quietly whispers "I love you" to Nate between sobs. Aww. Of course, that moment would have been even more powerful if I'd mentioned last week when I wanted to that Brenda had lately been pointedly avoiding saying those very words. I guess I just figured that I'd always have more time to point out what a crappy girlfriend she was. Oh, well. As they embrace, Brenda's mom steps out into the hallway to invite them inside.
Once inside the apartment, Zhora immediately tries to find some mistletoe under which to kiss Nate, and Brenda comments on how drunk her mother is. So basically, everything seems normal in the Chenowith household. Until, that is, the evening's "special guest" is revealed to be none other than Billy. Dun dun duh! Billy's hair is cut quite short, and he's wearing a Bill Cosby sweater, so we're apparently supposed to think he's been cured. "Don't worry," he says, trying to calm a shocked Nate and Brenda, "they pumped so much electricity through me you could light up the Eastern Seaboard." Some tense greetings are exchanged, and then the boys head over to the drink cart while Brenda pulls her mom aside, demanding to know why she wasn't warned about this. "You need to be warned about seeing your own brother?" wonders Mom. Brenda reminds her about last-season's aborted tattoo-removal session, and then is even more shocked when she finds out that Billy has been released for good, and will be living right there with his mommy. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: this isn't going to end well.
Nate and Billy, however, are managing to have a much more civil conversation over by the drink cart. "I guess you're happy to be home," offers Nate, who looks more than a little wary about the whole situation. "Happy is a concept I try not to buy into," says Billy. "It just gets me into trouble." After an awkward silence, Billy offers a reasonably heartfelt apology for everything that happened, claiming that he was "sick" at the time. "And now you're not?" wonders Nate. "I'm still sick," answers Billy. "I'll always be sick. It's just the cards I was dealt. I can manage it through medication for the most part, but it's something I'll have to live with for the rest of my life. It's not up to me." And, once again, it's all about Nate's brain. Although I guess it's not surprising that someone with such a rectangular head would be finding parallels everywhere.
Wow. When I bust out the geometry jokes, you know I'm in trouble.
And just to make things worse, we get a quick interlude with the Diaz family . Ramon and his wife come over to deliver some Christmas presents, and everyone except Ramon's wife looks tense and uncomfortable.
In a significantly more interesting plot, David has joined Keith and Taylor for a Christmas dinner of their own. Unfortunately, Keith has decided to make "fig pudding" for dessert. He thought it "sounded Christmas-y." Taylor thinks it "looks like throw-up." In an effort to save their rapidly foundering evening, Keith suggests that they gather 'round the CD player to sing a few fun-filled Christmas carols. "Okay, you two can sing songs," snarks Taylor as she gets up to leave. "I'm going to get a Ding-Dong and watch The Simpsons." Oh, Taylor. You have no idea how jealous I am. Once they're alone, David gets up to give Keith a back-rub and a few words of consolation. "You've been through a lot lately," he says. "You can afford to cut yourself some slack. It doesn't mean you're a doormat." He also offers up the idea that Keith might be suffering from post-traumatic stress related to gunning down that junkie, which is something that Keith vehemently denies. Why do I get the feeling that this shooting is going to end up being this year's version of the Gilardi sub-plot -- you know, the one that gets mentioned every week, but never ends up going anywhere? It'd be sort of like the gun that goes off in the first act not being shown in the third. Or something like that. Anyway, there's a long pause, and then David invites Keith and Taylor over for the big Christmas dinner. Keith searches for any number of excuses not to attend before finally settling on, "I don't think Taylor is ready for something like this." In one of the more amusing unintentional gaffes I've ever seen, the closed-captioning mis-transcribed that line as "I don't think Thor is ready for something like this." Hee. The idea that deaf people everywhere are concerned that Keith might show up to dinner with a Norse God on his arm has provided me with no end of giggles this week. "Are you sure it's Taylor that's not ready?" wonders David rhetorically.
On their way to Midnight Mass, Ruth and Claire stop off at Nikolai's store to pick up some poinsettias. When they open the door, however, they find the place in a shambles, and Nikolai collapsed on the floor. "Were you robbed?" asks a frantic Ruth. "Did they hurt you?" Nikolai remains polite to the end, greeting her with a cheery "hello, Ruthie" before admitting that he "broke [his] legs" in a fight. Uh, huh. Whatever Nikolai. Even Claire looks confused at that one, before rushing out to get the car so they can take him to the hospital.
Back at the very merry Chenowith Christmas, everyone is studying a photo of Billy that hangs on the wall. It's a black-and-white shot of him in full-on "Creepy Jesus" mode, with his eyes crossed and all glazed over. He looks like something out of Gorillas in the Mist. "You should take that down," he says. "It's kind of ghoulish. I don't like to think of myself in that way anymore." Mom wants him to take a new picture of how he feels about himself now, but then amends that with (what she considers to be) an even better idea. "You should take Nate and Brenda's wedding pictures," she suggests, letting the cat out of the bag. Nate and Brenda look horrifically uncomfortable about this revelation, but Billy just takes it in stride. "Congratulations," he says. "I love it when people who really should get married do." With a pointed look at his drunken mother beside him, he adds, "It doesn't always happen that way." Nate takes the kind wishes gracefully, but Brenda has been shocked into silence.
Until, that is, they reach the elevator. As they descend, Brenda starts ranting. "I can't believe she got Billy out of the hospital just so that she wouldn't have to spend Christmas alone. That fucking evil bitch." And you know what? I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that's not the only reason she got Billy out. I'm betting Zhora spends the few episodes intentionally dropping casual hints around the house about how badly Pa Chenowith has screwed her and the kids over, all of which will culminate with Billy making his daddy the season's final DGDJ. You know, because Nate's dad died on Christmas (and their anniversary) in the premiere episode, so it stands to reason that Brenda's dad will die on their wedding day in the season finale. Now for the record, that's pure speculation. But if it's not true, it should be. Meanwhile, Nate thinks Billy actually looked pretty good, but in a thinly transparent attempt to not let more than five minutes go by without a reference to Nate's anvilitis, Brenda screams that she just can't take dealing with sick people anymore. "I've been a fucking nursemaid more than enough for one lifetime," she yells, stomping off and leaving Nate alone in the elevator to look sad. Fade to white.
Fade back up on a half-undressed Lauren Ambrose. No, really. That's what happened. I don't make this stuff up, you know. She's actually just wearing pajamas, but she covers up quickly with her robe when she finds Nikolai lying on the downstairs sofa. He greets her warmly, and even teases her a bit for being bashful, saying, "Don't worry. I don't see nothing." And sadly, despite a valiant effort with the pause button, I don't either. Ruth comes in to deliver some hot tea and also set up the pain pills that Nikolai will be taking later. She also explains that they waited half the night at the hospital, and there was no place else for Nikolai to go. The real comedy gold in this scene, however, doesn't occur until David walks in and executes a classic double-take at the sight of Nikolai. In fact, the scene is edited like there was supposed to be a line there, but Michael C. Hall's expression was so perfect that they just ended right there. Cut to the kitchen, where the children are bemoaning the fact that Mom's boyfriend will be living on their sofa for the eight weeks. And on top of that, David is horrified to discover that Mom is even paying all the medical bills. Not, however, as horrified as he is when Mom instructs him to help lift Nikolai into his wheelchair.
Now it's time for Biker Santa's funeral, as the solemn strains of the Allman Brothers play over a stirring eulogy being delivered by Pete. In the back, Nate enters with a bouquet of flowers, noting with surprise that they're from (avowed motorcycle enthusiast) Jay Leno. "Oh sure," says Bitsy. "He always sends flowers. But he never comes." Heh. I wonder if Leno actually dissed the show's cast members on an appearance, or if the motorcycle connection was just too good to pass up. The eulogy is suddenly interrupted by the arrival of the "the In-N-Out truck," and Pete announces that "we're gonna put on [the DGDJ's] favorite song, and everyone can get themselves some grub." And with that, "Born to be Wild" starts up on the soundtrack, and everyone files out past the melancholy widow.
Outside, even more bikers are milling around as Claire gives Toby a tour of the Fortress. The highlights include David's loft above the garage and a garden hose that once sprayed blood after a plumbing problem in the Body Shop. Toby is suitably disgusted, but manages to be all smiles when Ruth steps outside. He's even super-polite when introduced to her, which contrasts nicely with Claire's snarky reply when asked if she plans to wear jeans to Christmas dinner: "No mom, I've got my Laura Bush pantsuit on underneath. I just didn't want to get it dirty." And speaking of dirty, that's precisely how I would describe the look Loser Toby gives Claire for being rude to her mother. He and his evident holier-than-thou attitude follow Ruth inside, leaving Claire alone. She overhears one of the bikers talking on a cell phone, and when he asks, "What did you get me for Christmas?" her own flashback begins.
It's one year earlier, on the morning of the premiere episode. Claire is on the phone in the kitchen, making plans to attend the party where she'll eventually end up high on crystal meth. The Late Nate comes in and asks, "What did you get me for Christmas?" and there's a moment where his lines and Claire's phone conversation seem to play off one another. The Late Nate also suggests that he'd like a smoking jacket for a gift, "something really garish, with like big embroidered peacocks." Heh. Once Claire hangs up, he asks who she's been talking to. "Someone special?" "His name's Gabriel," she responds, "and trust me, he's not that special." I'll say. In the sort of shocking revelation that only works on Six Feet Under, we learn that Dad actually invited Claire to come along with him on his fateful trip to the airport that day. See, that's the genius of this show, and especially the opening scenes. When you know someone is going to die, everything is automatically invested with greater importance, making even the most mundane of moments seem meaningful. Claire declines to join him, but Dad does make her promise to come home for dinner, so the whole family can be together. Oh, the bitter irony. He delivers a tender kiss to her forehead, and then the flashback is over.
Brenda arrives for dinner, and is surprised to find what appears to be a rousing biker party in progress. "Can't we just stay down here?" she asks, but Nate insists that dinner will be fun because "Nikolai is out of his mind on Percodan." Because if anyone is an expert on being out of their mind at dinner, it's definitely Nate. He does, however, try to send the bikers home before heading up to dinner, but Pete claims they're going to be there all night. With a shrug, Nate and Brenda leave them behind and head upstairs to the dining room.
At the table, Ruth lays out her goose while Nikolai bawls uncontrollably. Heh. I just love the fact that someone in the family has been high on drugs at every single major event in their lives for the past year. It kind of makes you wonder what family dinners in the Ball household must be like. Before they can start eating, however, there's a knock at the door, and Keith appears with Taylor (but not Thor) in tow. Everyone is delighted to see them, especially David. Ruth is so delighted, in fact, that she asks Keith to say grace for everyone. He's a bit nervous at first, especially since it'd be pretty hard to top Nikolai's version of grace from the last meal they all had together. Even so, he does a pretty good job. "Lord, for food in a world where many walk in hunger, for faith in a world where many walk in fear, and for friends in a world where many walk alone, we give you thanks, oh Lord, on this Christmas day. Amen." We get a shot of David's face, and as he watches Keith with amazement it's slowly suffused with a bright golden glow. And then we cut to what is indisputably the third funniest shot in Six Feet Under history (behind the sniper Late Nate and the stained-glass pedophile in last season's finale): it's Keith, dressed and posed as an angel, complete with a glowing halo above his head. Bwah! And also, awww. David's in love again.
Later, Brenda joins Claire in the kitchen for a quick bitch session. Brenda moans about how much Ruth hates her, and Claire snarks that Toby is too "nice" for her tastes. "Not your type, huh?" asks Brenda. "A deranged psychopath?" replies Claire. "No, I guess he isn't." Ooh! I'm a deranged psychopath! Does that she mean she'd date me? Maybe I do have a shot. Claire also lets slip that she's been talking to Billy with computer instant messaging the entire time he's been away.
Downstairs, Nate is working again, standing in the back of the funeral and watching as the sub-textually relevant lines from "Freebird" play over a shot of his brain. Brenda comes down the steps and complains about having a headache. She wants to take off, but Nate has to stay behind and learn a valuable lesson about life. Um, I mean, finish working. She leaves without him, and Bitsy shows up to do a little shtick about needing a toilet plunger.
The Ghost of Christmas Present: I am the Ghost of Christmas Present.
Aaron: Christmas present? Dude, it's April.
The Ghost of Christmas Present: I thought you said it was May on the homepage.
Aaron: Yeah. I know. April doesn't really rhyme with anything.
The Ghost of Christmas Present: Oh. Then I guess I shouldn't recommend that Brenda take a PAIN PILL for that headache of hers.
Aaron: Damn. Why you gotta be so mean?
The Ghost of Christmas Present: I'm sorry. I've had a really fucked-up afterlife, and sometimes I use sarcasm to hide how vulnerable I really am.
Aaron: Oy. Now I need a pain pill.
Ahh. At last, a Rico scene everyone can enjoy. He's cleaning up wrapping paper and gift boxes from the floor around the tree when suddenly he has a Late Nate flashback of his own. It's Christmas Eve, and Rico has shown up at the Fortress to finish some work on a body. The Late Nate quickly hides his ever-present joint, and tells Rico to go home and enjoy the day with his family. Rico insists that the embalming job is an easy one, but that's precisely why The Late Nate wants David to handle it. "I like to throw him the slow pitches, if you know what I mean," he says. Remember when I told you the fact that David screwed up would be funny later? Well here it is. The poor guy can't even get the "slow pitches" right. Rico finally agrees to take The Late Nate up on his offer to go home, and they shake hands and smile at one another. Suddenly, the ringing of the doorbell pulls Rico back to reality, and the warm, nostalgic expression on his face fades away. He steps over to open the door, and is immediately driven backwards by a vicious punch to the face. Ramon strides in, and looms over tiny little Rico as he hits him again and screams that his wife has taken the kids and left him. Vanessa runs in and finally manages to shove Ramon away from her husband, and Rico is furious that she blabbed to Ramon's wife. Vanessa claims that she had a right to know what her husband was doing, and personally I agree with her. What I don't agree with, however, is Rico's constant repetition of "fucking homo" as an epithet, so I'll just give this scene one last "Shut up, Rico" and move on.
Back at the funeral, our musical tour through the guitar rock of the seventies continues with "Don't Fear the Reaper." David, Keith, and Taylor are sitting on the steps watching the funeral, and Taylor doesn't understand why everyone seems so happy that the DGDJ is dead. "I think it's about time we get you home," says Keith, and then Taylor delivers the episode's signature line: "But it's Christmas, and I want to watch the funeral." Hee. Keith suggests that David come home with them, especially because he has a few presents that he didn't want David to open in "mixed company." "Ew," says Taylor, looking back and forth at them. Heh. I get the sense that Taylor and I would be pretty good friends. My stomach hurts a lot too, sometimes. David runs down to ask Nate for permission to leave, and Nate is only too happy to oblige. They hug, and share a sweet moment when they wish each other a merry Christmas.
Ahh. At last, a Toby scene everyone can enjoy. He and Claire are hanging out up in the living room. He suggests they take off and go somewhere, but Claire has nothing but scorn for his various suggestions. "Why are you so hostile?" he asks. "You act like you're incredibly put out by, I don't know, being alive. And maybe you think that's really cool, but it's not. It's irritating." Whoa there, Loser Boy. YOU are going to tell HER about being "irritating"? I think someone needs to introduce this kid to both the pot and the kettle, and I ain't talking about the Alan Ball kind of pot, either. Claire shares my sentiments, and points out Toby's need to "feel all superior or something." She also tells him that she "fully supports [his] little desire to have some life you'd see on Nickelodeon, but [she doesn't] support [his] desire to be a judgmental dick." Amen. Sing it, sister. And with that, Toby is gone, hopefully for good.
With the mandatory "Ew" scene and repeated usage of the word "fuck" already out of the way, it's now time for the Important Lessons About Life scene. Nate is joined at his post by the Widow DJ, who laments the passing of her husband. "He was a crazy son-of-a-bitch," she says, "but I loved him." She reminisces about how they met, and also confesses that he always used to say that "his two favorite things in life were riding his hog, and riding [her]." Which, honestly, doesn't really sound like all that bad of a life. Anyway, all the nostalgia prompts Nate to remember the motorcycle he had in high school, which he wrecked and "fucked up royally" less than a week after he got it. "Sometimes I fool myself into thinking that I live my life to the fullest," he continues, "but compared to you and Jesse I think I've got a lot to learn." The Widow DJ says that if she were a few years younger, she might have been willing to teach him a thing or two, and Nate grins as he admits that he might have let her. A quick check indicates that we've now gone four entire paragraphs without a reference to Nate's illness, so the Widow also adds, "Jesse always said you got to live every day like you might die tomorrow. Because you know what?" "You just might," finishes Nate. Thanks for the tip, guys. I had no idea that Nate could die at any moment. The Widow hands over a bottle of Jack Daniels, and Nate takes a big swig. Looking closely at the bottle, it's pretty clear that whatever is in there isn't Jack Daniels, and judging from the look on Peter Krause's face, I don't think he has any more of a clue as to what it was than I do. They cut away pretty quickly before he can break character, but I guarantee you that the rest of that shot has ended up on a blooper reel somewhere.
Up in her room, Claire has logged onto AOL to send AOL Instant Messages to all the great AOL people she's met on AOL (which, by the way, is easy to use, and the choice of disaffected youth everywhere!). Seriously, people. There's product placement, and then there's product porn, and we've just crossed the line. Then again, with that first quarter they just had, can you really blame them for taking some free advertising on a sister network? They need all the help they can get. Anyway, Claire is chatting with Billy, and the only thing notable about their conversation is the screen names. Billy's is BillyBatty, which is pretty funny, but Claire's is ICDeddPeople. ICDeddPeople? Are we really supposed to believe that someone who listens to Sleater-Kinney and just dumped a boy for being too "nice" would ever use a screen name as mainstream and dorky as ICDeddPeople? Now admittedly, I'm not one to talk ("Aaron" isn't exactly a creative masterpiece or anything), but if I were Claire I wouldn't be caught dead referencing that movie. On the other hand, ICDeddPeople could (in theory, at least) be an incredibly clever and subtle slam at AOL's instant messaging competitors over at ICQ. Somehow I doubt anyone on the SFU writing staff is a big enough geek for that one, however.
Ruth joins Nikolai on the sofa in the sun room, and tells him that he should "yell very loudly" if he needs anything during the night. She also fluffs his pillows, adjusts his blankets, and moves his bedpan within reach. Nikolai just stares at her face and smiles, and then tells her that she's beautiful. Ruth looks very pleased with herself as she turns out the light and heads back into the kitchen. Once she's alone in there, however, she picks up a serving plate that leads her into our final flashback of the episode. It's the same plate she used for Christmas dinner last year, and we see the Late Nate picking up a carrot stick from it on his way out the door to get Nate. She chastises him for messing up the swirl in her dip, and he says he just wanted one for the road, because "airport traffic is going to be murder." Oy. You pretty much have to make that joke there, but still. Beware of falling anvils. The Late Nate tries to kiss his wife goodbye, but she just pops a celery stick in his mouth and sends him out the door. As we return from the flashback, Ruth stands at the sink and cries. Is she mourning her husband, or the fact that she was actually having sex with Ed Begley Jr.? You be the judge.
Over at the Apartment That There's No Way Keith Can Afford On His Own Salary Now That Eddie Is Gone, he, David, and Taylor are returning from dinner. Taylor tries several different methods to convince them to let her stay up, including offering to make them something in her E-Z Bake oven. Before they can get inside, however, we get our second surprise return of the episode. It's Keith's sister, and Taylor is ecstatic that her mom is back. Keith and David look exactly like Nate and Brenda did when they first saw Billy: a potent combination of shock and nervousness.
And speaking of Billy, that's exactly what Nate and Brenda are doing. They're speaking of Billy, and the fact that Brenda is upset that her brother didn't call or e-mail even once on Christmas Day. Nate, however, is even more upset when Brenda reveals that Billy and Claire have been chatting since he went away. In case you're curious, I'm the most upset of them all, and it's largely because I can't figure out what the hell Brenda is wearing on her feet. They look like moccasins, only they're knee-high and lined with fur. Whatever they are, they're damn ugly. Nate chases Brenda into the kitchen, and demands that Billy and Claire stop speaking to each other right away. "Why?" she asks. "You said he seemed okay." "Yeah," Nate shouts back. "He's okay enough to walk down the street without a leash, but not okay enough to be anywhere near my sister, who we both know just has this fucked-up attraction to sociopaths." And yet, we're not married yet. Go figure. The whole thing quickly degenerates into a shouting match, so you know what's coming : cut to them, having make-up sex. Props to whoever it was on the forums, by the way, who noted that for a couple as experienced and adventurous as Nate and Brenda are supposed to be, they do tend to stick to the missionary position pretty often. Suddenly, Nate's grunting and rhythmic breathing is interrupted as he starts stuttering, "Oh shit! Oh shit!" and going into a seizure. There's no way for me to really describe what he says or does here in words, but it's a very effective portrayal of a guy having a seizure at the worst possible time. I give the boy a lot of shit for his hair, but Krause can definitely act, and he proves it again here.
Later on, Brenda sits on her bed, with Nate's head cradled in her lap. He explains the seizures and discusses his medication, but we never actually hear him say the word AVM. Or even "anvilitis," for that matter. I mention that only because the preview for tonight's episode (and isn't kinda sad that I'm referring to it as "tonight's" episode and not "week's" episode) mentions something about Nate holding back a big secret. Brenda gently strokes his hair as she listens, and as we fade to white, she promises that he'll never be a burden to her.
Hah! Thought it was over, didn't you? Nope. There's more. Nate comes home the morning to find an envelope from the Widow DJ waiting for him. Ruth explains where it came from, and adds that the Widow "had a belt buckle with a huge skull on it." Hee! Nate opens the envelope to find a set of keys, and walks out front to find the DGDJ's motorcycle waiting for him. "Don't Fear The Reaper" cranks back up on the soundtrack, and we cut to Nate, zooming down the Pacific Coast Highway. He's not wearing a helmet, so I can forgive the hair issues, but what's up with the Bono shades he's got on? And as the camera slowly pulls back, Nate cruises away into the white. Is that symbolic of his life, or his death? You be the judge.
The Ghost of Christmas Future: I am the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Aaron: Cool. When am I getting my holographic TiVo?
The Ghost of Christmas Future: I don't do presents. I'm here to show you what will become of you unless you repent immediately.
Aaron: Um, okay. So what happens to me?
The Ghost of Christmas Future: You'll be doomed to be alone forever, never knowing a real life of your own because you spend all your time commenting on the lives of fictional characters you'll never even meet.
Aaron: Hmm. Well, I guess I can live with that, as long as I get Lauren in the end. I do get her though, right?
The Ghost of Christmas Future: Well, let's just say that Lauren knows why they call you "Tiny Tim," okay?
Aaron: Ouch. Now that's hitting below the belt.
The Ghost of Christmas Future: You're right. It is.
Aaron: No wonder Jews don't believe in ghosts. Or Christmas, for that matter.