To: Bob Wright, President of NBC
From: Dick Davidson, Director of Development -- Warner Brothers TV
Subject: 2003 Fall Pilots
Dear Bob,
I've given a lot of thought to that memo you sent a few months back about the challenges a show like The Sopranos poses to network television, so I had the writers down in the dungeon (or wherever it is we keep those long-haired hippie freaks these days) work up a few pilot ideas we could use for a counter-attack. Let me know what you think.
Seven Feet Over
Starring: Gheorghe Muresan and Rebecca Lobo
A half-hour "reality" sitcom about the trials and tribulations of a romance between two basketball stars. Also features frequent cameos by Billy Crystal as their wacky neighbor.The Tenors
Starring: Luciano Pavarotti, Placido Domingo, and that other fat guy
A team of super-secret crime fighters conducts dangerous missions to prevent (tasteful and low-key) terrorist attacks while struggling to maintain their cover identities as world-class opera singers. Also features frequent cameos by Nathan Lane as their vaguely gay valet.Becks and The City
Starring: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Biel, and Shannon Doherty
Combines the best of all worlds -- a sitcom set in New York, starlets with big dinners, and plentiful opportunities for product placement. It's especially relevant now that you've decided not to air those hard-liquor ads after all. The lawyers tells me the FCC won't even be able to say 'boo' at this one. Also features frequent cameos by Geena Davis as the older and sluttier member of the foursome.Gauze
Starring: Anthony Edwards
America's favorite trauma surgeon returns in the much anticipated Mark Greene spin-off. The hook for this one is that the opening scene each week features the main character getting anally raped by a special guest star. The pilot has a couple of tour-de-force performances by Heathen and Wing Chun as wacky neighbors who witness the rape but just sit around pointing and laughing instead of calling the police.The Mind of the Married Man
Starring: Mike Binder
I hear HBO might be canceling this one. It's a total pile of shit, but picking up scraps seems to be working for the UPN, so we might want to give it a shot. Besides, it can't be worse than anything else you've aired in that post-Friends slot.
Anyway, let me know which one you like. And give me a call week. We'll do lunch and then we can come back to the studio and raid Sorkin's stash.
Sincerely yours,
Dickie
Good morning, TwoPitnam! Yep, that's right kiddies! Back by popular demand and topping the charts at number one again this week is a funky-fresh new remix of that ever popular Six Feet Under theme, this time with the added bonus of actual lyrics! So all you crazy kids out there in recap-land need to cue up your VCRs and get ready to sing out loud and sing out strong! Oh, and this one goes out as a long-distance dedication to special guest-editor Niki and all my homies in the forums. ["Awwww!" -- niki] Thanks for keeping it real, yo.
Death! Death! Death! It happens to us all. Death! In your home or at the mall. Death! Don't even try to hide. Alan Ball will be your guide. Sex and death will soon collide. The irony just won't subside. Oh...on this show, you'll never know, who's going to go, with tag on their toe. Nate's got hair, everywhere. Aaron really really loves that Claire. So there. Alan-Ball-he-runs- the-show. He-loves-to- mock that...Death! And when we convorse, here's what he always says to me: "Oh, where oh where did I put my God damn BONG!" There? Ahhhhhh!!!!! Brenda's a nut, and a big slut, Rico should up shut, while David and Keith strut. Ruth is alone. To blurting she's prone. Just be glad they don't all live in your own home. Because-if-they- did-you-would-want- to-beat-them-all-to...Death! And that's the end. So now let's just fade to white. Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Note: That took me like fourteen million billion hours to write, so everybody reading this damn well better print it out and sing along every single week until the season is over. I'm not kidding. I'll withhold the convorsations if you don't.]
Anyway, on with the show. This week's opening scene finally represents the ultimate combination of sex, death, and loneliness, and all I can really say about it is that I'm quite frankly shocked it took them this long to go there. Basically we follow a well-dressed businessman as he comes home on his lunch break to indulge in a nice, relaxing round of [insert your favorite euphemism for masturbation here]. His preparations for the event include procuring a sliced lemon wedge, popping a porno tape into the VCR, and hanging himself from a workout machine with his belt. Oh yeah. This is going to end well. Incidentally, the porno is one of the worst I've ever seen. Not that I'm, you know, a connoisseur or anything, but I think it's safe to say that anytime your porn would actually be improved by the presence of either Joey Tribbiani or John Wayne Bobbitt, you've got some serious problems. Of course, Alan Ball remains ever the master of subtle misdirection, and if you look real close, one of the male stars of the video bears a disturbing resemblance to Rico's cousin Ramon. Remember that one later on in the episode. After several rather squicky shots of the guy's face as his oxygen supply runs out, the moans on the soundtrack rise in volume to the point where I begin to be afraid of what my neighbors might think, and then everything goes blurry as we fade to white. Farewell Jeffrey Marc Shapiro. If only you'd called Brenda instead.
Fade back up on Keith's apartment, as the Big Black Sex Cop moves to answer his ringing doorbell. It's David, and the poor boy is soaking wet. "You're all wet," exclaims Keith, flashing some of his famed police observation skills. "Were you crying?" David replies that it's raining outside, but yeah, he was also crying as well. "I love you," he declares, and Keith admits that he loves David, too. And then they kiss, and the camera swirls around them, and anyone who didn't already know this was a dream sequence is finally tipped off by the cheesy pop music in the background. It's still kinda sweet, though. The gimmick here (and there's always a gimmick) is that it's Keith's dream instead of David's. After the kiss, we cut to Keith waking up and finding Taylor eating breakfast in front of the TV in the living room. Taylor continues her habit of watching the most disturbing TV shows possible, and her choice of entertainment on this particular morning features an overly cheerful talking skeleton. I guess that's better than talking hamsters, but still. Keith berates her for not eating enough, and Taylor reports once again that her stomach hurts. Their bickering is interrupted by the arrival of Eddie, who offers some friendly, if unsolicited, parenting advice. Keith instantly switches into Angry! mode, and after dragging Eddie into the hallway and expositing that it's been two months since he shot the junkie (which is NOT a euphemism for masturbation), the long-awaited break-up finally occurs. Farewell, EMT Eddie. You were no Little White Sex Dork, but I liked you just the same.
Formaldehyde Fortress. Ruth is toasting waffles and telling Claire that she can't go to stay at Aunt Sarah's house for the weekend. Claire protests, and Mom is forced to remind her of "what was done to Nate" when he went to stay there. Claire quite correctly points out that nothing was "done" to Nate, and adds, "In case you haven't hung out with any fifteen year-old guys lately, they're like total hornswagglers." Which is precisely why she should be hanging out with a twenty-eight-year-old man such as myself. We're only partial hornswagglers. Ruth, however, just can't let it go. "It was a much more innocent time," she says. "What, the eighties?" answers Claire. Heh. After some more reasons from Ruth why Claire shouldn't be allowed to go (including the fact that David "cut his ear on a bramble" while hiking at night in the canyon), Claire finally decides to stand up to her mother. She constructobabbles about scaffolding for several minutes (to which even Ruth rolls her eyes), and then declares that she's heading out to Aunt Sarah's after school, and there's nothing Mom can do to stop her. As she leaves, we see Ruth looking exasperated at the kitchen table, and I realize that unlike Apple, Corona, and Astroglide, Aunt Jemima must not be a paying sponsor, as the label on the syrup bottle is purposely facing away from us.
Das Zargzimmer. This week's Widow DJ is telling her story to Nate and David, who for some reason are each sitting in the other's usual chair. The Widow has also brought her (female) rabbi along for the session, and all I can say to that is hubba, hubba, hubba. How come rabbis never looked like that when I was getting Bar Mitzvahed? After establishing that Fisher & Sons has handled Jewish funerals in the past, and reminding us all that Talmudic law requires the DGDJ to be buried within twenty-four hours, the Widow provides us with this description of his untimely death: "My husband, Jeffrey Shapiro, who worked for the third-best law firm in LA, and was three months away from making partner, came home on his lunch break and he hung himself with his pants around his ankles in our goddamn sunroom. There's your fucking eulogy. Can you say that in Hebrew?" Actually yes, I can. It's "Gimlas michbash." Who says these recaps aren't educational? (Also, everyone thank Rachael the Bible Scholar for that one).
Across town, Brenda and her mother are having lunch at a sushi restaurant. Zhora is going on and on about how much she loves her new condo and the fact that it has a bidet. She's thrilled to be finally on her own again, now that she and Papa Chenowith are getting divorced. Raising her cup of sake, she toasts to "living alone," and Brenda replies with a toast to bidets. Oh, how very Brenda. Zhora apologizes for all the nasty things she said in the stakeout episode, and then makes Brenda apologize for hitting her afterwards. She also explains that "the whore of Tranquility Spa" has moved in with Papa Chenowith, even though Zhora can't for the life of her understand why. "What's in it for her?" she wonders. "Money? I know she's not in it for sex. God knows your father's not what he used to be, not after three years of Paxil." Ew. Zhora switches the subject to Brenda's life, and her daughter finally decides to let slip that she and Nate are getting married. The reaction is predictable: Zhora cracks up laughing, and asks if Brenda is sure that Nate is smart enough for her. Because, you know, Brenda is a genius. Or something. Has Brenda ever once shown any signs of hyper-intelligence? No really, I'm serious. They've been harping on this for two seasons now, and I still just don't buy it. I mean, it's not like I want to see her solving complex differential equations while working as a janitor or dating Jennifer Connelly or anything, but the time-honored screenwriters tradition of "show, don't tell" is certainly taking a beating on this one. Hell, we get more shots of Nate's brain in a single episode than we've had of Brenda's all year. Anyway, Zhora's not one to lightly dismiss the charms of an "uncomplicated" man, but she also says that the only reason she stayed with Papa C as long as she did was that she knew he was much smarter than her. "That's why it's still so hot with us, all these years later." Ew. And also, yeah! I've said it before, and I'll say it again: smart is sexy. Which is why I don't like Brenda. Finally proving that annoying behavior is clearly genetic, the two women end the scene by trading insults and cackling loud enough to disturb all the other patrons in the restaurant.
Down in the Body Shop, Nate, David, and Rico are discussing the manner of the DGDJ's death. Rico apparently talked to some guy at the morgue, and has been clued in to the fact that it wasn't suicide by the presence of the porno tape in the VCR. And also the Astroglide. "What's Astroglide?" asks Nate. "It's lube," replies his brother. "Lubrication for sex." Nate: "Thank you, David!" David: "No problemo." Heh. Snerk. Nate finally realizes that the DGDJ was doing auto-erotic asphyxiation, "just like the guy in that band," and we also learn that Rico knows way more about this subject than you'd probably expect. David looks like he wants to jump into the conversation as well, but before he can, his cell phone rings. It's Keith, and he's just calling to give David a friendly heads-up on the fact that he's broken things off with EMT Eddie. David, however, isn't quite sure what to make of that fact, and pretty much just hangs up on him.
Michael Hutchence: You should try it some time. It's quite the new sensation.
Alan Ball: Uh, I'll pass thanks. I need to conserve my lung strength for the new bong I just ordered.
Michael Hutchence: Come on! It'll free the devil inside --
Alan Ball: Do you have an excess of ear-wax or something? I said no.
Michael Hutchence: Hey, it's your loss, buddy. But you should really -- ack!
[Cough. Gasp. Sputter. Silence.]
Alan Ball: Ew. Now see, that's just mean.
Aaron: Sorry.
Brenda's Bordello of Boredom. Hooker Scrunchieface is stretched out on the floor reading a magazine and listening to Brenda describing scenes from her novel. Scrunchie is pleased to discover that one of the characters is a "high-class hooker" that's based on her. "Excellent," she says. "As long as she doesn't get raped and murdered to pay for her sins. I'm so sick of that tired old story." Hmm. Now is that foreshadowing, misdirection, or just ironic commentary on network TV? You be the judge. Brenda sparks up a pipe of her ever-present pot, and gleefully confesses to having jerked off a client. Scrunchie is surprised, but only mildly so. Brenda recaps the entire incident, but (if I do say so my own damn self) does so without any of the alliterative wit, panache, and utter revulsion that I displayed last week. "Well, as long as it's all for your art," says Scrunchieface. Whoa. Hang on there, Scrunchie. Art? What art? The Art of Whore? Patricia Clarkson in High Art? Or maybe she just means the arterial blood that will be flowing from my wrists if Brenda doesn't shut up soon. Either way, I highly doubt she's referring to the Judith Krantz-esque, Clan of the Cave Whore scribblings that Brenda's been typing into her laptop recently.
Hmm. Do I seem overly bitchy this week? I guess I'm just having a bad day. But at least my salvation has now arrived. Claire pulls up to Aunt Sarah's place in the lean green corpse machine, and parks it at an angle that artfully hides the fact that this appears to be the exact same place they filmed last year's ecstasy-induced interaction between Ruth and The Late Nate. Aunt Sarah comes out to greet her niece, and after some confusion over whether or not it's the right weekend for Claire to be there, she announces that it's her annual "Howl" weekend. "Like Allen Ginsberg Howl?" asks Claire. "Yes!" replies a relieved Aunt Sarah. "So you're down. That's wonderful." Also notice how wonderful it is that they SHOW us that Claire is smart, instead of simply telling us. And I think you all know me well enough by now to understand that a repetition of "smart is sexy" pretty much goes without saying when it comes to Claire. "[Ginsberg] was a dear, dear friend," name-drops Aunt Sarah. "We once shared a flat in Berlin, until I got fed up with the parade of Aryan star-fucker boys." Oh, the irony. Oh, the humanity. She leads Claire inside, all the while running down the guest list for the party, which includes "a couple of freaks and some nasty hippies from [her] drug days." Oh yeah. This is going to end well.
Back at the Fortress, David has called Keith back to demand an explanation for why he called to let him know about Eddie. David seems pretty worked up about the whole thing, whereas Keith remains his usual suave Big Black Sex self. Keith's partner, meanwhile, is sitting beside him in their patrol car, and continuing his quest to win the coveted "Fabulous Furio" award as the show's Best Recurring Character. Keith claims not to have had an agenda in telling David about the break-up, and David ends the call with a brusque "Well, thank you for sharing." The Keithstone Kops mock each other for a moment, and then go back to stuffing their faces with lunch.
Brenda's Bordello of Boredom. Apparently, it's some time after 4:20, because the munchies are out in full-force. Brenda and Hooker Scrunchieface are chowing down on some nachos and being careful to ensure that the labels on their Corona bottles always face the camera during close-ups. They discuss whether or not Brenda should become a stripper, and Brenda evinces amazement at some of the "pole-work" she's witnessed, saying, "I once saw this woman, she could hang upside-down from twenty feet in the air. She looked like an inverted Jesus." Hey! I saw that episode of G-String Divas, too. Also, shut up, Jesus. Uh, I mean, Brenda. The stripping chat continues, with Brenda claiming that she'd be afraid to take off her clothes on stage because she "harbors a vague feeling of hatred about [her] body." Perhaps that's why she apparently never washes it.
Nate arrives at this point, and Brenda warns Scrunchieface not to mention the whole hooker thing, because he wouldn't approve. I can't imagine why. I know I'm always thrilled when my girlfriends jack-off random strangers. But maybe that's just because I'm used to it by now. After the obligatory introductions (where you can just see how much it pains Brenda to refer to Nate as her "fiancé"), Nate mentions the DGDJ, and asks if the girls have ever heard of auto-erotic asphyxiation. Obviously Brenda has, and Hooker Scrunchieface even adds the fact that the "fetish community" refers to it as "breath-play." A quick search on Google confirms that fact to be true, and also turns up a disturbingly high number of results. Sometimes the Internet frightens me. Nate can't decide whether dying that way should be considered suicide or not, because even though the guy didn't want to die, he still knew it was a possibility. Also, in hair-related news this week, Nate is actually clean-shaven, so instead of stubble he's chosen to sport a little Alfalfa-style cowlick on the back of his head. Man Peter Krause just can't win with me, can he? Although he does at least earn points for washing his armpits every now and then. After some good-natured mocking of career choices between Brenda and Nate, Scrunchie wants to know if they're "one of those couples that likes to bicker in front of the company until it gets really uncomfortable and [she] has to leave so [they] can fuck." Heh. Nate and Brenda both deny it, but I think they doth protest a bit too much. Also, in "fuck"-related news, Nate is still 0-for-the-episode so far. But don't worry. Rico will soon be picking up the fucking slack.
Up in David's No Longer Lawyer Loving Loft, the game of ex-boyfriend phone tag continues. Now Keith is calling to say that he wants to take David out to dinner. David sits up and takes notice of that one, and pauses to ask what he might be getting himself into by agreeing to go. "Oh would you just shut up and say yes already?" asks Keith, and David quickly does just that. Aww. Michael C. Hall is so damn cute. Marry me, Michael.
Downstairs in the kitchen, Ruth is fixing dinner for one. In a not-at-all surprising development, she turns out to be anal retentive even about the placement of food on her plate. She precisely aligns one pork chop, two potatoes, and three Brussels sprouts into perfectly straight lines, and as she sits down to eat alone, we fade to white. In all fairness to Ruth, my father is exactly the same way. He (much like Seinfeld) is one of those people who hates it when foods mingle.
Fade back up on Aunt Sarah's Halfway House for Hirsute Hippies, where Claire is awakened by the arrival of a bunch of Sarah's wacky friends. Said friends include a painter, a really loud guy, and a dog wearing one of those big funnel neck-collar thingies. Sarah introduces Claire as "Ruth's daughter," and the painter claims not to have even known that Ruth had a daughter. "Well, if I remember correctly, you certainly knew she had a son," says one of the other friends. Everyone laughs, and Claire's eyes go wide when she realizes that she's looking at the woman her brother lost his virginity to. The friends ask about her family, and Claire replies that "Ruth, uh, my mom, is great. My dad is not so great. He's dead." All the friends are saddened by this news, because they all really liked her dad. They reminisce for a moment about his penchant for using a rolling machine to make joints, and Claire is completely weirded out by the idea of her dad smoking pot. Also, after several hours of careful rewind-and-repeat investigation, I'm pleased to report that Lauren's breasts appear to have returned to normal size. I know you'll all be relieved (or possibly disappointed) to hear that. Oh, and thanks to the people who e-mailed me to let me know that I wasn't the only one who noticed. It's nice to know I'm not the only total pervert in this world.
Cut to Rico's house, where cousin Ramon is setting up to do some construction work on the walls. Rico is getting ready to leave for work, and Vanessa is bustling about and flirting with Ramon while wearing a nightgown with several buttons undone. Rico obviously shares my concerns from last week about a potential affair between these two, because he gives them both a long, lingering look before heading out the door.
Now we head over to Nikolai's Flower Shop of Metaphorical Personal Redemption (where they're having a special fifty-percent off sale on foreshadowing this week). Ruth is babbling about ordering a new spray cleaner, but Nikolai is clearly in a grouchy mood, and couldn't care less. "Why the grumps, Mr. Crankypants?" asks Robbie. Heh. Maybe I'll start calling Nikolai Little Lord Crankypants from now on. I'd like to see them try and have Lauren say that one in an episode someday. Nikolai's anger will have to remain a mystery until week, however, because he storms out of the room without providing any answers. He does, however, cancel his dinner plans with Ruth for that evening, which leads to a short dream sequence of her eating alone once again. Gathering her courage, Ruth decides to invite Robbie to dinner, and he gladly accepts.
Back at the Fortress, it's time for the DGDJ's funeral. An excited David comes up to Nate and reports that he thinks he spotted the "Jewish Friend" in attendance. "Jennifer Aniston?" asks Nate, which I thought was weird at first until I realized that it was probably just a shout-out to someone else with a reportedly smelly spouse. And speaking of shout-outs, by the way, here comes the best one yet: Nate asks David if he forgot to shave that morning, prompting David to reply, "Yes, and I'll thank you not to discuss my facial hair any further." Bwah! Of course, that's not really gonna happen, but I do appreciate that you've noticed. And Peter, really, it's nothing personal. In fact, it's motivated mostly by jealousy. You've got more hair on the back of your neck than I've got on my entire head. Anyway, Nate calls David over and examines his face closely. Upon hearing that he has a date that night, Nate points out "that's a little soon. The whole 'oops, I didn't know I was sexy' stubble look will actually peak at around noon tomorrow. Believe me. I've perfected the art." Heh again. David hurries off to go clothes shopping, and Nate warns him to "stay out of Structure." It's too bad we don't award a "Gayest Look of the Episode" prize for Six Feet Under, because Michael C. Hall's expression here would definitely be the winner. Even so, it's still a keeper. Once David leaves, Rico approaches, and reports that he's heading home to help Vanessa take care of the kids. And then when Rico leaves, the hot rabbi wanders past, giving Nate a sly little smile as she goes.
Cut to the funeral, where a packed room of guests is listening to a female chazzan chant a prayer that I don't recognize, but which is definitely not the mourner's kaddish. For the record, I want everyone to know that there's not a single red-headed Jew anywhere in the room. Nate gazes at the widow DJ, who's holding a baby and standing in the front row. Suddenly, she's replaced by Brenda, and we cut from that to the obligatory shot of Nate's head. Well gee, Nate. Is that an anvil in your brain, or are you just happy to see me? The Hot Rabbi steps forward to deliver the "fucking eulogy," and quotes the Talmud by saying, "Better is one day in this life, than all eternity in the world to come." I guess that depends on whether or not you're spending that one day writing a recap, now doesn't it?
At the Halfway House for Hirsute Hippies, Loud Guy is reading a poem, accompanied by a white-haired guy on the bongos. It's all very Mike Myers in So I Married An Axe Murderer, minus the coffee shop and (thankfully) Nancy Travis. If you're interested, here are some of the nicknames I've assigned to a few of the half-dozen or so guests in attendance: Cowboy Hat Guy, The Female Stevie Wonder, Not Quite CCH Pounder, and Bongo Boy. Once the poem concludes, a few more guests arrive, and this time they've brought along "magic mushrooms," "THC butter," Aaron Sorkin's lawyers with a restraining order telling me not to make anymore jokes about him, and a fresh-faced teenaged boy who immediately catches Claire's eye. As expected, I hate him at first sight.
Rico's House of Shut The Hell Up. He sneaks inside, and immediately overhears the sounds of hot monkey love being made in his living room. We know it's monkey love because of the helpful jungle noises on the soundtrack. Welcome back, sound boys. I've missed you. Ripping some plastic sheeting out of the way, Rico angrily confronts Ramon and -- another guy? Whoops. Didn't see that one coming. In fact, I ranted just last week about how disappointing the whole "Vanessa sleeps with Ramon" thing was going to be. And since I did it less than three paragraphs after pointing out that Alan Ball always, always, always delights in doing precisely the opposite of what's expected, I now feel really, really, really stupid for not guessing. Congratulations, Alan. You've won this round. Rico, meanwhile, is completely shocked by what he's seen, and goes a long way towards earning a "Shut up, Rico" moratorium by dancing around his living room and shouting things like "What the fucking fuck!?!" Of course, he also ruins it a bit by asking Ramon if he's "out of his fucking homo mind." Ramon seems to be taking all this pretty calmly, although he's also displaying a bit of an inappropriate attitude for a guy who just got caught having sex on the job. I know Sars hates it when I'm cocky after sex, especially since that's the reason my recaps are always so late. Heh. I can say that because she's on vacation. But I'm so gonna be grounded when she gets back.
The DGDJ's funeral has just wrapped up over at the Fortress, and Nate moves to intercept the Hot Rabbi on her way out the door. He claims he's interested in asking her a few questions about death from a Jewish point of view, but I suspect he's actually just angling to find out if she'd be interested in demonstrating her bris technique on him. Minus the actual snipping, of course. The Hot Rabbi readily agrees to help out with his inquiry, although she does warn him, "Jews tend to answer questions with more questions." Hmm. Isn't that more of a Greek thing? On the other hand, do I really want to be making a rather obscure Socrates joke here? And if so, will anyone get it? Or will they just think "Greek thing" is actually a sly reference to the scene? Also, should I shut up now? Anyway, the Hot Rabbi offers to let Nate ride along to the cemetery with her, and he accepts.
Now Brenda heads over to her mother's new apartment, which is a little too white and sterile for my own (admittedly horrible) tastes. Not much happens in this scene that's relevant to the plot, and since I'm on a tight deadline here and my feelings for the Chenowith family are well known at this point, I'll just hit the highlights: Brenda gives her mom a cactus, because it "doesn't need watering or caring about in anyway"; Zhora gushes about possible wedding plans (and reveals that she and Papa C got married on a beach); a character named "Lulu Smigel" is referenced; and Zhora breaks down in tears and asks Brenda to leave. Brenda, however, tries to make some human contact by offering to stay and rub her shoulders, but Mom refuses. Oh, and in the interests of making another prediction so that Alan Ball can try to prove me wrong, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the final episode will feature Nate and Brenda getting married on the beach, thus providing a nice bit of symmetry with the beach scene that closed the season's first episode. Anyone agree with me?
At the cemetery, Nate is explaining his anvilitis to the Hot Rabbi. "Every time I get a headache, I'm thinking this could be it," he says. "I'm going to die." "Yeah, me too," replies the Hot Rabbi, and Nate gets all excited because he thinks the common ground of their mutual fatal illnesses will help him get into her tallis. "What do you have?" he asks. "A body," she replies. Oh. So she's hot, but also kinda corny. Oh well. Corny I can live with (obviously). Nate gets a call from Brenda on his cell phone, but he ignores it in favor of more chat about death and whether or not he believes in God. Clever misdirection #2: When Nate mentions God one last time, the Hot Rabbi replies, "There he is now." She's speaking, of course, about the arrival of the DGDJ, but she does at least has the good taste not to follow it up with a quick "ha ha, made you look."
Ack! More constructobabble! Robbie is over at the Fortress for dinner, and he's going on and on about his "family of origin" and the "tent city" they lived in. Continuing this week's theme of redeeming characters who've really needed to shut the hell up lately, we're treated to a voice-over of Ruth's thoughts, which go something like this: "Shut up. Shut the mouth. Shutting it. Now. Shutting it and stopping it. If you say another word I will stab you in the heart with a fork. If there is a God in heaven, he will surely shut your mouth." Hee! I'm totally taking that as a shout-out, especially the "Shutting it. Now" part. Then again, between that and the "stop talking about my facial hair" bit, I'm starting to get the sense that Alan Ball doesn't like me very much anymore. Oh Alan, where has our love gone? Once Robbie finally finishes his spiel, Ruth speaks up to let him know that she's learned everything she can from the plan, and that she "no longer feels the urge to speak in building metaphors." Well, hallelujah! And while I'm sure there's a joke about cheering and doing that "raise the roof" thing with your hands to be made here, I'll skip it out of respect for her decision.
Meanwhile, David is sitting alone in a restaurant somewhere, showing off his stubble and waiting impatiently for a clearly late Keith to arrive. Judging from his outfit, by the way, it would appear he's chosen not to heed Nate's advice about staying out of Structure. His cell phone rings, and he answers it simply by saying, "Okay, I don't know what kind of power trip you're on, but it seems kind of cruel to be honest." So, of course, Keith has a damn good reason for not being there. Which is why we cut to a hospital, where we learn that Taylor's ever present tummy ache was caused by a nearly ruptured appendix. She's going to be fine, but she's still in surgery, and David desperately desires to comfort his Big Black Soon To Be Back Sex Boyfriend. Keith is furious with himself for not picking up on the symptoms sooner, and David tries to explain that nobody is perfect. "That's what life is all about," says Keith. "Striving for perfection." "God, you are so self-righteous sometimes," replies David, which prompts Angry Keith to call him a "doormat." Well gee, Keith. That doesn't seem like a very good way to woo the boy back, now does it? Before this can degenerate into an actual argument, however, the doctor arrives to let them know that Taylor is out of surgery and doing just fine.
Halfway House for Hirsute Hippies. The freaks are all dancing around a bonfire, especially Not Quite CCH Pounder, who's really got her groove on. An as-yet-unnamed freak (the one who said that her friend remembered Ruth's son), is gallivanting about with a gourd in each hand and an unnecessarily exposed set of gourd-like breasts flopping back and forth between them. Hmm. Ever notice how only ugly people get naked on this show? Seriously. We've had Cockadile Dundee, porn star Cybil Sheppard, a bunch of naked corpses, and now the Gourd Gal. But it's never Keith, or Nate, or even Claire or Brenda, for that matter. Hell, even cute guest stars like DangerSlut and the Hoe Down Ho get to keep their clothes on. If this were Oz, Keith wouldn't even be allowed to own pants, much less wear them. Anyway, Claire and the kid I've preemptively dubbed Loser Boy are sitting off to the side, staring at their elders with bemused disgust. When the Gourd Gal comes over to try and get them to participate, they quickly run off to hide in a nearby tree-house.
Once there, Loser Boy bemoans the fact that his parents are among the freaks dancing around the fire, and that he's their designated driver. Moved by the horror that must be his life, Claire decides to cheer him up by planting a big kiss on him. I knew I hated this guy for a reason. Claire pulls away eventually, saying that they shouldn't be doing this because the thought of "old people having end-of-the-world" sex just outside freaks her out, and also because she didn't bring any condoms. Which implies that she usually does carry condoms. I knew I liked this girl for a reason. Loser Boy, however, feigns surprise. "Oh, like I would even," he says. Shut up, Loser Boy. Also, gag me with a spoon while you're at it. He pontificates further by adding, "You're quite the fox, I'm happy to report, but I would never hook up with somebody I just met. Like ever -- I'm nineteen, okay Claire? I've had the major life experience to know that it just kind of sucks to enter the body of another human being you're not in love with." Yeah. Okay. Let's review here for a moment, shall we? What would YOU do if you were stuck alone in a tree-house with Lauren Ambrose, a bottle of wine, and thirty screaming half-naked hippies outside the window? I mean, I think we all know what I would do (stutter nervously and hope she doesn't call her lawyers), but I also think it's safe to say that any nineteen year-old hornswaggler who passes up an opportunity like this is either gay, terminally stupid, or so incredibly full of himself that he considers sex with the greatest girl on the planet to be beneath him. I'm betting it's that third one, by the way, although I wouldn't be surprised if "terminally stupid" also turned out to be true.
Over at the hospital, Keith and Taylor are talking. She apologizes for getting sick, and he apologizes for not paying more attention to her stomach problems. "We need to have a code word, okay?" he says. "Some secret word you can use to let me known when the pain is real and not just playing." And then from the mouth of babes comes this week's meta-statement: "The pain was always real." Aww. Poor Taylor. Appendicitis and bad dialogue make a really killer combination.
The DGDJ's funeral has wrapped the cemetery portion of its agenda, and we've now moved on to an undisclosed location where people are sitting shiva. That's supposed to be done at the home of the deceased's family, but this is pretty clearly not the same house we saw in the opening scene. Of course, Jewish tradition also doesn't usually call for bad stand-up comedians to perform at these things, especially ones who use jokes like "I haven't gotten laid since September 11th -- 1985." Oy vey. For the record, however, I would like to note that said comedian also makes jokes about "blonde Jews," so I'm not the only one who notices these things. Over in a corner, Nate and the Hot Rabbi are still talking. "You know, there's one part I haven't told you," he says. "I'm engaged." "Oh" is her somewhat disappointed answer. "Well we couldn't go out anyway," she continues. "You're not Jewish." Heh. And that's usually my rule as well, although for Lauren, I'd be willing to make an exception. And also maybe for Sars, if she'll still have me after that sex joke I made back there. Nate seems mighty pleased with the idea that the Hot Rabbi was considering dating him, and he proceeds to chase her across the room while taunting her about it until she admits the real reason: "It's your whole -- illness thing. I have a bit of a Messiah complex. You know, saving the men." Nate offers to let himself be saved, but she replies that something like that would be his fiancée's job, and not hers. Which is why she's a bit surprised when Nate confesses that he hasn't even told her yet. They then get into an extended discussion about the meaning of the word "soulmate," and now it's a REALLY good thing that Sars is on vacation, because we certainly all know how she feels about that particular word. The Hot Rabbi finally declares that a "soulmate" is the person who makes you "grow the most," whether that growth feels good or not. Hmm. By that definition, about the only way Brenda could be considered Nate's soulmate is if by "growth," she's referring to chest hair.
Speaking of Brenda, we now cut to her cruising around town in her shiny red Volkswagen. Aww. I miss the Bad Backdrop Bronco. She pulls up to a traffic light, and some random guy in a truck pulls up beside her. They stare at each other for a moment, which can only mean one thing: dream sequence. We get an extended interlude with the two of them making out in the back of his truck, including a promise from the guy that he's going to "fuck [her] harder than [she's] ever been fucked in her life." I will, however, give bonus points for the clever use of the truck's horn to jerk us out of the sequence. Noticing that the light has changed, Brenda floors it and squeals away.
Back at the brand-new house that sitting shiva built, the Widow DJ comes over to thank Nate for crashing her husband's funeral, eating their food, and hitting on the rabbi. Well, okay, she really just thanks him for coming, but that is basically what he's been doing all day. She also asks if her husband really was trying to kill himself or not, and Nate tries to find a way to answer diplomatically without revealing that her husband was a total perv. He finally settles on, "I don't think he wanted to die."
Later, at the Bordello of Boredom, Nate returns home to find Brenda lounging around on the bed in a black negligee. She wants him go outside, and come back in as a "dangerous intruder." Brenda thinks this would be great fun, but Nate doesn't seem to be in much of a mood for role-playing. Then again, who ever is? I mean, besides the occasional Dungeons & Dragons fan. Nate sighs, and sits down on the bed looking sad, but Little Miss "Genius" is so wrapped up in her rape fantasies that she doesn't even notice. He finally manages to shut her up the only way he knows how -- by using sex. A tasteful pan up from the floor reveals them engaged in the sort of tender sex that would lead Nate to profess his love and admiration for how "soft" she is. Brenda, however, just wants it "harder." Eventually we fade to white, and Brenda lies there beneath him, looking bored.
We fade back up the morning, with Keith sleeping beside Taylor's hospital bed. He heads out into the hallway, and is surprised to find David there, sleeping in an incredibly uncomfortable-looking pose. Keith gets a big black sex smile on his face as he watches David sleep.
It's also morning over in Topanga Canyon, where Claire is awakened by the sounds of Joni Mitchell singing "Woodstock." I have to admit that I'm so accustomed to the Crosby, Stills, and Nash version of this song (which I love, by the way), that I didn't even recognize it at first, much less guess the connection with the episode's title. Claire finds Aunt Sarah eating breakfast, and just like her sister, Sarah enjoys waffles and non-product-placed syrup. You know she's the wacky one, however, because she also puts on a few strawberries as well. They discuss how much fun Claire had this weekend, and Claire also mentions how much she likes the Joni Mitchell song. Sarah cheerfully invites all the other Fishers to come visit someday, but Claire whines that Mommie Drearest would never do such a thing. Proving that it's never too early for a wacky aunt to teach you a valuable lesson about life, Sarah replies, "You know, I think she hides inside of herself because she's so afraid we'll reject her. So let's don't, okay? She's had enough heartache for one lifetime." And with that, she hands Claire the Joni Mitchell tape and kisses her goodbye. Unfortunately, however, Loser Boy shows up before Claire can escape. He asks for her phone number, and offers to come into the city to visit her, a fact that I'm bothering to recap only because he shows up in the previews for week.
Over at Rico's place, Vanessa is sitting on the sofa and trading baby pictures with -- dun dun duh -- Ramon's wife. When Rico emerges from the bedroom, the wife immediately criticizes him for firing Ramon just because he has "different taste in tile" than Rico does. "I know girl," agrees Vanessa. "It sounds crazy to me too, but you know how men are. They go loco with that machismo stuff." Yes, they certainly do. Right there in the living room, in fact. Anyway, Rico remains polite about everything, and eventually the wife leaves. "Baby, you're such a weirdo sometimes," says Vanessa. And in the first instance all season I haven't wanted to tell him to shut up, Rico replies, "Whatever," and heads back into the kitchen.
And finally we visit the Formaldehyde Fortress, where Ruth is sipping coffee alone at the kitchen table. Claire enters, and unpacks her bag right there in the kitchen, for reasons that will become clear in a moment. "Aren't you going to ask me about my weekend?" she wonders. "I wasn't planning on it," replies Ruth. She also reports she "found some slugs in the garden." All Claire can say to that one is "neat." That's about all I can say as well, especially because it's 8:58. Claire heads upstairs to take a nap, and Ruth picks up the Joni Mitchell tape (which is labeled "Sarah's Songs") and starts playing it. Surprisingly, she knows all the words to "Woodstock." Not surprisingly, she doesn't have much of a singing voice. Just then, Claire comes halfway down the steps, and spies her mom singing. And as the song ends on this week's eponymous "back to the garden" line, we fade to white.