It has long been tradition amongst the Children of Abraham that on the eve of the Passover holiday, the youngest able child in every family will ask four simple questions that, when answered, provide a thorough history of the exodus from Egypt, a deep understanding of Judaic ethics and morality, and a reasonably coherent explanation as to why we Jews are forced to eat nothing but crackers for eight days each year. I mention this for two reasons: first, so that every Jew reading this recap will be walking around with the phrase "Ma Nistanah Ha'laila Hazeh" stuck in their head for the rest of the day; and second, because the questions and answers themselves may help to shed some light on both the show, and why this recap is appearing several days too soon. So, without any further ado, here they are (and incidentally, you should know in advance that no one is allowed to eat anything until all four questions have been answered):
1. Why is this show different from all other shows?
Well, there's nudity, for one. And swearing. And also they prefer to fade to white instead of black. But mainly it's just the talking dead people.
2. Why is this recap different from all other recaps?
Do you mean the fact that it's three days early, or the fact that I'm sitting on a beach, sipping a (kosher for Passover) piña colada while I write it? I do, however, apologize for the lack of "convorsations" this week. I had Charlton Heston all lined up, but airport security wouldn't let him bring his AK-47 on the plane, so he got all pissy and went home.
3. On all other shows, the female leads are pleasant and entertaining. Why is this show so different?
I don't know, but Brenda and Ruth are really starting to chap my ass. I don't mind unlikable characters, but characters that are unlikable, boring, whiny, and full of themselves aren't fun for anyone. Which is why I have no idea why you people keep reading my recaps. Anyway, as always, Lauren is the exception that proves the rule.
4. On all other shows we eat bitter herbs like garlic while we watch. Why on this show do we smoke a completely different herb?
Because Alan Ball, God bless him, is a total pothead.
Fade up on a bus full of really, really old people being given a tour of scenic downtown Seattle by a perky redhead whose nasal twang isn't being done any favors by the amplifiers on her loudspeaker. She drones on and on about the origins of the city's famed Farmer's Market, and the fogies in back are all hanging on every word. Incidentally, if you watch real closely here, you can actually see the tiny, two-second shot of this week's DGDJ passing away that the editors tried to hide. Also, props to the, uh, props department for whoever found that vintage '80s camcorder in the fifth row. I used to have one just like that. Anyway, the tour comes to a close for the morning, and the guide sends everyone off the bus for lunch. Since this week's opening is almost entirely gimmick-free, Tour Guide Karen instead now has to make the sudden transition from perky to potty-mouthed and tell the driver, "I don't know about you, but I could sure use a fucking cigarette." And really, couldn't we all? Flick. Ahhh. Spotting a lone gentleman remaining on the bus, Karen calls over the loudspeaker for him to get out. Now. When he still doesn't move, she heads back to investigate, treating us to the memorably predictable line, "Aw shit. We've got another dead one back here, Larry." And that, my friends, is that. So long, Harold Mossback. Say hi to Kurt and Jimi for me while you're up there.
School. Claire is back in George Twostraightweeksofthis's office, and it seems that last week's encounter with Keith has rubbed off a bit, turning her into Angry Claire. George is perturbed that she's missed the last three sessions, but Claire snots that "sometimes coming in here and talking about my life gets in the way of my having one." Yeah, and right now my coming here to talk about her life is getting in the way of me having one, too. Isn't it ironic? Don't you think? Also, I was actually going to make a comment last week that the picture of "Jenny" on George's desk didn't even look like it had people in it, but I decided not to, because the shot was so quick that I couldn't be sure. This week, however, we get a full-frontal view of the photo, and it now appears that someone has scotch-taped a photocopy of a reproduction of a cheesy magazine ad photo of some random couple onto a photo of some other guy's backyard and placed it on the desk. Anyway, George is concerned that Claire may be angry with him, and he explains that he's "obligated" to work with the police in situations like this. He also exposits that Gabe hasn't been caught yet, so I guess Kiefer was busy with other things this week. I mean, uh, "this hour." George tells Claire that she did the right thing, and just as I'm about to get really annoyed with his habit of trying to create a phony connection between them by ending each sentence with her name (a trick we use where I work, by the way), Claire busts out with, "If you don't stop saying my name at the end of every sentence I am gonna..." George: "What?" Claire: "I don't know. Just…don't, okay?" Yeah. Sorry about that, by the way. Forgive me, Lauren. George's response to this is to ask if she feels like throwing something. He offers to let her pick up anything off his desk and throw it across the room. He even seems sort of sincere about it. Freak. Somewhat nonplused by this turn in the conversation, Claire sits back down by his desk. After some deep conversation about Gabe (about whom she not-very-believably claims to not care at all), she suddenly decides to take him up on his earlier offer, and spills his coffee all over the desk. George does that pursed-lips/eye-flick thing which causes him to bear an unfortunate resemblance to Jeff Probst, and Claire reports that yes, she does feel better now.
Das Sargzimmer. The son and daughter of the deceased are there, explaining that Dad's body is still in Seattle, and will have to be returned to L.A. for the funeral. The sister, incidentally, is substantially more attractive than her brother, which leads me to wonder about the genetics at work in this family. Then the brother explains that the DGDJ enjoyed going on bus tours for fun, and I REALLY start to wonder. I mean, I've been on a bus tour (32 cities, 65 days, 47 teenaged Jews), and "fun" is not the first word that leaps to mind. "Slow," perhaps, or maybe "smelly," but definitely not "fun." David says that they can have the body flown back from Seattle, but that one goes over like a lead balloon (Get it? Because lead balloons can't fly? Stop looking at me like that). The brother explains that Dad hated flying, so David offers to "make arrangements to have him shipped via rail or freight." The brother is surprised, asking, "You can do that? Like FedEx?" Heh. David assures them that it's very common, and then regales them with a story about the corpse of Abraham Lincoln being packed in ice and shipped back to Illinois.
Now before we move on to the scene, here's a quick little brain puzzler for you. Alan Ball has managed to assemble quite the diverse little stable of talented directors (who've worked on everything from The Sopranos to L.I.E. to Fried Green Tomatoes), so why is it that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM always chooses to shoot this room from the exact same camera location -- namely, six inches under the back of David's head. I just don't understand that. Also, for the geometry fans out there, I'd say David's head is definitely more of a rhombus. Hee! Rhombus is a funny word. Even without a "K."
Cut to Keith, hanging out with his mom and Taylor. Mom is packing up to leave, because Dad is going in for a hernia operation back at home. Taylor is all worried that her grandpa might die from this (and if they ever do cast Morgan Freeman, you can assume that it's a safe bet he will), but Mom manages to calm her. She can't calm Keith, however, especially after he discovers that no one has heard from his sister in days, and the only phone number they have for her has been disconnected. He's so angry, in fact, that he even says "shit" a few times. Proving that all mothers are created equal, Mom mirrors Ruth by admonishing her son about his language. After she totally tolerated it from Taylor last week. Anyway, Taylor will now be staying at Keith and Eddie's place, despite her concern that Keith might try to steal her stuff. Then Mom says goodbye, and there's hugs and tenderness all around. As soon as she's out the door, however, Taylor spoils the mood by snarking, "I know a lot worser words than 'shit,' you know." Yeah. Like "worser."
Over at the Formaldehyde Fortress, the Fisher clan has sat down for a family dinner. David delivers a lengthy and ultimately pointless recitation of all the problems that are preventing them from having Mr. Mossback's body shipped back, all so as to give Nate an excuse to offer to go to Seattle himself. Which he totally would have anyway, whether Amtrak was backed up or not. It's established that he'll fly up the day, see some friends, pick up some stuff, and drive the body back in time for the funeral. Claire looks totally bored by all this, but that changes pretty quick when Ruth asks David if he's "met any nice men lately." When she learns that he hasn't, she's sad. "I wish you'd put yourself out more," Mom tells him. "The door to your house only opens from the inside, you know." Nate is giggling now, and Claire thinks it's pretty funny too, at least until Ruth asks about Gabe. "Gabe joined the Hare Krishnas, Mom," she reports, leaving Ruth aghast. Now David is the one grinning, and Nate quickly decides to change the subject by inviting Claire to come to Seattle with him. He even offers to pay for it. Claire's oh-so-cute little-girl delivery of "We're not doing anything in class I can't miss, and I can bring my homework with me," is absolutely priceless. Aww. Sigh. Rewind. Mommie Drearest is reluctant, but she finally agrees to let her go with a torrent of what I've decided to call constructobabble. As she leaves, David turns to his siblings and asks, "Does anyone know what the fuck she's talking about anymore?"
Cut to a wholly unnecessary shot of Peter Krause's ass in a pair of gray Marky Mark boxer briefs. Ew. Also, clench Peter! Clench! Brenda enters with an "Ew, Nate" of her own, and for a moment I think Brenda and I may be in total agreement about something for the first time ever. Then she cops a squat on the toilet, grabs a magazine with her feet, and lets the Foley guys go to town with the tinkling sound effects. Now that's an "Ew." Nate continues flossing his teeth while she does this, all the while obsessively discussing his trip to Seattle in an ultimately vain effort to make his newly-distant girlfriend jealous. Brenda, however, is just too damn busy being bitchy to care. And judging from the occasional "poot" noise emanating from the toilet, she's also too busy farting. Someone on the sound staff at Six Feet Under certainly has a sick sense of humor. Brenda finally shuts him up by reminding him that she's trying to read, and that she really hates it when he flosses in front of her. Nate takes his whipping like the furry little beast he is, and heads out of the bathroom. Cut to later, as Peter Krause stands in the bedroom, arms strategically placed to cover the wide Sargasso Sea above his right nipple. He's still on the Seattle subject, wondering repeatedly if it's weird that he didn't even ask Brenda to come with him. "Okay, now it is a little weird," she says, "but only because you're making it weird." They both climb into bed, with Brenda opining that it will be good for Nate to spend some time with his sister. Yeah. Because all that quality time with the siblings has worked out so well for Brenda herself. Anyway, hope clearly springs eternal in Nate's loins, but Brenda once again shuts him down with a perfunctory "goodnight" before rolling over and going to sleep. The director treats us to a quick close-up of Nate's ostensibly rectangular brain, and then we fade to white.
Fade back up on the interior of an airplane. I'm quite pleased to note that I apparently have a much better travel agent than Nate and Claire, because their seats suck. Claire is perusing some sort of travel magazine, and is thrilled to discover that Sleater-Kinney will be playing at a club there. Nate informs her that he knows the club, and unfortunately, it's eighteen and over only. "What makes you think I don't have a fake ID?" wonders Claire. Ahh, the fake ID. I had one in college, and the story of how I got it is so shocking and incredible that your hair would literally fall out if I repeated it here. Suffice to say, I'm still wanted by the Secret Service, and my name isn't really Aaron. Anyway, Nate is pretty cool about the whole thing, saying that he had a fake ID once himself, and that he might even enjoy tagging along to the concert. Claire continues being snotty, prompting Nate to reply, "Would you just try to get over yourself for a second and let me be your friend, AND your brother?" Shocked by this, Claire asks him if this whole thing was intended to be some sort of pity trip to take her mind off Gabe. Nate claims he invited her because he thought it would be fun, but now he's having second thoughts. Apparently satisfied by that, Claire changes the subject to ask where they're staying. When she learns that their host will be an old friend of Nate's named "Lisa," she immediately asks if it's an old girlfriend. Nate: "No. No way. Not even close. We were strictly roommates." Methinks The Rectangle doth protest too much. Claire asks if Lisa is "all crunchy granola, backpacky, and like way into grunge." Nate says she's a little on the first part, a lot on the second, and definitely not on third, because "grunge died long before Kurt Cobain." Yeah. Whatever, Mr. Music Man. Weren't you a Sting fan last season? The best description of Lisa that Nate can come up with is that she's "hard to categorize." "You guys still did it a few times though, right?" asks Claire.
Cut to the exterior of a house somewhere. It has recently rained, however, so at least you know it's somewhere in Seattle. Nate and Claire park their rented van in front of a huge yellow house that sits up on a hill. In fact, it looks quite a bit like a freshly painted version of the Psycho house. Because of its size, I initially assumed that this had to be the funeral home where they're supposed to pick up Mr. Mossback, which would have clashed wildly with the plucky music and goofy "U-Pak 'Em" signs on the side of the van. As they climb the steps, however, the camera pans to reveal a truly amazing view of downtown Seattle, visible right from the house. It's a phenomenal shot, but are we really supposed to believe that the Assistant Manager For Produce at a food co-op lives in a mansion with a view like that? Bill Gates's house doesn't have a fucking view like that, for God's sake. And, hey! There's the Space Needle. I'm not sure if I should be counting shots here, or searching for a tiny little Jessica Alba standing up on the top. I should ask Kim. She'd know either way. Finally, the door to the house opens and Lili Taylor bounds out, looking pretty good. She's thrilled to be seeing Nate again, and she shows it by being very huggy. The look on Claire's face when Lili gives her an extra squeeze is hilarious.
Back in L.A., Ruth is calling Hiram. Oh, fuck. They're not bringing Begley back again, are they? Then again, they've already paraded out pretty much their entire collection of first-season guests (and who wants to bet they're saving Tracy Montrose Blair for yet another season-ending sermon on the meaning of life?), so I guess we shouldn't be surprised. Ruth constructobabbles for a few minutes about why she's calling (although she does specify that she's not babbling about the "actual physical structure [she lives] in with [her] family"), and then things start to go predictably downhill. Hiram accuses her of being drunk, and then asks if she wants to get back together, which sends Ruth into a rage. "You know something, Hiram?" she shouts, "Fuck off!" Amen, sister. And tell him to take his stupidly named new sitcom with him. Wow. I'm actually kind of liking The Plan right now. we cut downstairs, where Ruth is leaving a similar message for Amelia, and ironing the living daylights out some poor innocent shirt. Then we cut again, and now she's polishing the banister while leaving yet another long constructobabbled message for someone named "Sarah." I'm instantly back to hating the Plan again, however, when we're asked to believe that a woman who's lived as long as Ruth would ever utter the words "I'm beginning to think you don't ever want to talk to me again, in which case we really need to talk." Ouch. I feel for you, Frances. There's some more constructobabble, and then we get the big reveal that "Sarah" is actually Mommie Drearest's sister. Dun dun duh! Her last call completed, Ruth checks a little notebook, which informs us that she's now spoken to everyone on her list except the children. Oddly, Nikolai's name is nowhere to be seen. I guess his foundation must be completely crack-free.
Across town, Keith is stuck at a crime scene. He's on the phone with Eddie, desperately begging him to pick up Taylor after school. Eddie can't do it, however, and Angry Keith quickly hangs up on him. Incidentally, I've seen the guy who plays Keith's partner here somewhere before, but my mom's ridiculously ancient 14.4 modem isn't letting me get onto the IMDb to find out where. Anyway, we now cut to David, who's down in the Body Shop shaving a corpse. It's worth noting here that Rico is nowhere to be found, even though it's ostensibly the middle of the afternoon. Remember that later. Unlike Eddie, David would be delighted to help Keith out, and he agrees to pick up Taylor and keep her at the Fortress until Keith is able to come get her.
You know, I made a few jokes earlier in the recap about having to eat Matzoh for the week, but after the food close-up we get here, unleavened bread is starting to look pretty damn tasty. Claire is playing with whatever that thing on her plate is, and Lisa explains that it's "tofu meatloaf. It's completely vegan. No dairy, no eggs, no animal products of any kind." "Then why do you call it meatloaf?" asks Claire. Heh. Even Lisa is amused, saying that Claire is a "pisser" just like her brother. Considering where that tofu meatloaf eventually ends up, that's truer than Lisa probably realizes. Lisa asks if she put in too much garlic, but everyone says no. "Garlic is a miracle herb," she announces. "It helps lower cholesterol and blood pressure, it stimulates the immune system, and it inhibits the growth of parasites in the intestines." Gee, all that and it kills vampires, too. That is impressive. Of course, we all know it's not Alan Ball's favorite miracle herb, but that's a different story. Now she and Nate do some catching up. Lisa isn't surprised to hear that Nate is a funeral director, because she always knew he had a "spiritual calling." She is, however, surprised (and somewhat saddened) to learn that he and Brenda are still together after eight months (seven -- not that we're counting). "It sounds like a real relationship to me," she says. "It is what it is," replies a cautious Nate, who can't even bring himself to agree with her assessment that "it's all good." "It's all...mostly good," he says, before Lisa adds that she recently got a job offer in L.A. that she's considering. Apparently, some big-time movie producer was in town for a shoot, and was looking for a vegan chef. "What movie?" asks Claire, but Lisa doesn't know. She doesn't go to the movies because film is made from gelatin, which comes from horses' hooves. I wonder if Bill Cosby knows about this, because Claire certainly didn't. "Most people don't," answers Lisa. "Hence the global slavery of animals." Yeah! Four legs good! Two legs bad! The revolution will not be televised! There's some more discussion, but Claire excuses herself to go to the bathroom. Once there, she finds a carved wooden sign above the toilet which reads, "If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down." Seeking to obey, Claire unwraps her tofu meatloaf from a napkin, and flushes it away.
At the Brotherfucking Boudoir, Brenda is massaging a female client, who is quite impressed with her abilities. "I think you drained my sinuses," she moans, barely even able to move. Brenda, however, is all over the place, feeling particularly chatty. She asks what the client does for a living, since she was unusually stress-free. "I'm a prostitute," replies the still supine client, and Brenda thinks that's pretty cool. So cool, in fact that she offers to make tea so the client can stay, and then goes so far as to follow her right to the door to say goodbye. Clearly feeling her lesbian alarms going off, the client hightails it out of there. Just as the door closes, Brenda gets a phone call from her mom, who demands that she come meet her at some place called the Tranquility Spa.
Cut to the spa itself, and just as Brenda arrives and walks up to the door, Mrs. Chenowith pops out of the bushes and grabs her. Zhora (and for the benefit of second-season newbies, that's a reference to Joanna Cassidy's role in Blade Runner) practically drags Brenda over to a black Mercedes that apparently belongs to Mr. Chenowith. "Look on the dashboard," she yells, and Brenda spots a pack of Virginia Slims lying in plain sight. There's also a yellow scrunchie on the gearshift, so it's pretty clear what's going on here. Personally, if I were Mrs. Chenowith, I'd be more worried about the WIDE OPEN WINDOW on their VERY EXPENSIVE car that's parked in the middle of downtown L.A., but that's just me. Anyway, Brenda can't believe that her mom is so freaked out over the possibility that Dad is having an affair. "I thought something had happened to Billy," she says, prompting Zhora to respond (in classic SFU fashion) with, "Oh, don't be so dramatic."
Cut from mother and daughter to gay ex-boyfriend and gay ex-boyfriend's niece. David brings Taylor some milk and cookies in the Fisher den, and then explains that he has to go downstairs and work for a while. Taylor asks for some "goddamned chocolate milk," and David is forced to explain that they only have "white milk" at the Fortress. Oh, all right. Heh. Taylor keeps bitching about everything in sight, including the cookies on the plate and the coloring books David bought for her. "I thought you said you liked to draw," he asks. She does. Unfortunately, as she explains in the most patronizing tone possible, "these are COLORING books. You can't draw in COLORING books, because they already have the pictures in them. You can only COLOR in coloring books. That's why they're called COLORING books." Man, what a brat. She and Angry Keith deserve each other. David finally caves, asking, "You want to watch TV?" Taylor jumps at that one, and he hands her the remote. "Do you know how to use that?" he asks, and Taylor replies with the best line of the night: "Bitch, I know how to use a remote." David leaves, and Taylor calls him a "dumb-ass cracker" under her breath.
Back in Seattle, Claire is hungry for "something that walked the earth." Although, given that they're eating at a restaurant called Chubby's, perhaps she should be careful what she wishes for. Nate is hungry as well, since he lied about liking the tofu to spare Lisa's feelings. He also claims that's why he "lied" and said his relationship with Brenda "is what it is." "Oh, you definitely slept with her," says Claire, and Nate finally admits that they did have occasional "friend sex." Claire, however, prefers the term "fuck-buddies." Nate says he was always honest with Lisa about what the sex meant, and that she knew they were never going to get together. While Claire continues on about how much Lisa is clearly in love with him, Nate starts to complain about smelling rotten eggs. Then he gets déjà vu, and generally looks very confused for a few moments. When they pull up to the drive-thru window, he tries to order a "Chubby Cheese with everything and some medium skinny fries," but instead it comes out as:
Nate: Yeah, I'll have a double-doub -- um, uh, a chubby, a double chubby, a chubby chubby, a double double, a double chubby, a chubby chubby, a chub...I'll have a double. I'll have a double chubble chubby cheeseburger.
Yeah. It's better when he says it. Anyway, he grabs his forehead, jumps out of the car, and starts speeyacking all over the pavement. You should all know, by the way, that I have some serious issues with vomit. Which is odd, because I do it a lot. Claire, meanwhile, has gone from giggly to concerned quite quickly, especially after Nate gets back into the van long enough to tell her to drive. Then he climbs back out to make a phone call to his doctor. As he talks, I realize that with the jittery camera-work and sweeping circular pans around a guy on a cell phone, we're but a velvety purr and an Eric Balfour appearance away from this being a very rectangular episode of 24. Claire leans out of the van to watch her brother, and is forced to shush the drive-thru guy several times, which prompts him to threaten to call his manager. Nate, meanwhile, waits to hear from his doctor.
And while her boyfriend's brain is potentially exploding, Brenda is camped out in her mother's car, munching on a protein bar. Zhora watches the various women coming and going from the spa while Brenda wonders what all the fuss is about. Apparently, her parents have long had an agreement that cheating was okay, so Brenda doesn't understand why this one is any different. Mom explains that Dad broke one of the rules by not telling her about the affair first. In fact, she's not even mad that he's sleeping around -- just that he didn't tell her so she could "line up some young hottie of [her] own." See? I always knew that transparent raincoat would come in handy some day. Brenda asks if there are any other rules, and it turns out that there are several: No friends (mutual or otherwise), never in Hawaii, never in a hotel that costs more than $300 a night or less than $75, and never on holidays. Brenda: "Is one of them 'not in front of the kids'? Oh, wait. I guess not, since there was that time I watched you in the hot tub with some old guy with a hairy back." Wait a minute. Her mom is sleeping with Peter Krause, too? That seems weird. Since this is Six Feet Under, Zhora replies in the most ironically graphic terms possible: "Darling, your father was there. And there was absolutely no penetration, I can assure you of that." Ooh, trés risque, Alan.
Hey, look! Rico actually bothered to show up for work today. And guess what? He's whining about something. In fact, he's bitching about having to stay late so that David could pick up Taylor. This, despite the fact that he apparently wandered in around 1:30 in the afternoon. There's some bickering between the two, all of which can be summed up with the simple phrase, "Shut up, Rico." Here's a tip: If you've got nothing for one of your characters to do in an episode, just don't write them in. All you had to do was have David say something about Rico meeting a home inspector or something, and all this could have been avoided. It's not like there were any crucial plot points here. We've heard all this stuff before. Many, many times, in fact. Although now I feel kind of rude for snarking on the writing so much this week. Then again, this episode was written by Rick Cleveland, who really ought to be used to hearing mean things about himself on this website by now, so I guess that's okay. Suddenly, Taylor appears in the Body Shop, complaining about a stomachache (for the second week in a row. Hmmm) and wondering if the corpse David and Rico are working on is really dead. David leads her out to the stairs, and sits down beside her to explain things. The way Michael C. Hall crosses his legs here makes me giggle every single time I see it. I just thought I'd mention that. Once assured that the man in the Body Shop is, in fact, dead, Taylor wants to know if either David or Rico killed him, and why he's there. This whole conversation goes on way too long without anyone ever simply saying the words "funeral home," so I'm not going to recap it. Taylor is also worried that she's going to die someday herself, but David assures her that it won't be for a very, very long time. Then he goes on to answer all of her questions in a very compassionate and not-at-all patronizing manner. Aww. David makes a good daddy. Who knew?
And speaking of explaining things to young women, Nate is now explaining AVM to his sister. To hear him describe it, however, it's no worse than the common cold. He refers to the seizure we just witnessed as being "mild," and then tells Claire that all he really needs to do is take some pills every day for the rest of his life. Oh, and she shouldn't tell anyone about this, even though David already knows. Claire isn't buying a word of it, by the way.
We now return to Crazy & Lacking, already in progress. The stakeout continues, with Brenda sharing the news that one of her clients is a hooker. Zhora psychobabbles some more, and while it is a nice break from the constructobabble, it's clearly nothing but filler for an episode that should have clocked in at about forty-three minutes. A cute blonde who desperately wants to be Chloe from Smallville but who doesn't have quite the required flippiness in her hair emerges from the spa, and heads straight for Dad's car. Zhora wants to go talk to her, and promises not to make a scene. She just wants to "personalize the experience and humanize the situation." She hops out of the car and walks over to begin chatting pleasantly with the blonde. Surprising absolutely no one, however, she suddenly reaches into the window and starts a hissing, slapping, all-out chickfight. Cool. The blonde manages to disengage herself, and screeches out of the parking lot. Zhora stands right in front of Brenda and yells after the disappearing car, "I hope you like herpes!" Heh. She's such a mom. She then climbs back into the car, and does the now-patented "say the exact opposite of what a normal person would say" trick by adding, "You know, I thought she'd be more evolved." Brenda seems fairly wigged out by this whole episode, and starts yelling that Zhora only invited her along because she wanted an audience to tell her how cool she was. "For your information, Miss High And Mighty," replies her mom, "this is life. People have crises. They push each other's buttons, they inflict pain on each other, and once in a fucking blue moon, they bring out the best in each other. But mostly they bring out the worst." Blah blah, argue argue, psychobabble psychobabble, Billy reference. "Now that he's been put away," says Mom, "you're going to have to face your own demons. And sweetheart? They're legion." Brenda hauls off and slaps her mother across the face for that one, and Zhora quickly orders out of the car.
Hmm. I wonder if we're supposed to be getting that Brenda is lost without her brother to take care of, or something? I think they might have mentioned something about that somewhere in between all the times that they reminded us that Rico is dissatisfied and that Ruth likes to talk about houses a lot. I sure hope they mention it some more week, though, just so we can clear up this huge cloud of mystery.
Formaldehyde Fortress. Ruth is serving dinner for David and Taylor, and Taylor immediately takes her plate and starts heading for the TV room. Ruth calls her back to the table, and Taylor truly has a hard time understanding why any family wouldn't watch TV while they eat. To be fair, I'm having difficulty with it as well, but that may have more to do with the four-hour Passover seder I have to look forward to before dinner tonight. Ruth tries to kick off the conversation by asking Taylor what grade she's in, and then she expresses delight upon hearing that it's the fourth grade. "David was in the fourth grade once!" she says. David: "It's true." Taylor: "Did you know that David used to be my Uncle Keith's boyfriend?" Ruth says yes with a glint of pride, but then Taylor keeps talking. "Sometimes my momma calls Keith a 'punk-assed fudgepacker.' He likes men instead of women. [To David] I guess that makes you a punk-assed fudgepacker too, don't it?" David struggles for a minute, and then explains that they don't like to use "hateful" words like that. Displaying an almost instinctual ability to brown-nose her way out of a difficult situation, Taylor changes the subject to Eddie and says that she doesn't like him because he spends too much time looking in the mirror, and also because he talks to her like she's stupid. David gives a little grin at this news, but Ruth is just sad. "Some people just don't know how to talk to children," she sighs, before getting up to do the dishes. As soon as Ruth's back is turned, Taylor decides to play a quick game of See-Food with David, who lets out a sharp laugh before he can get himself back under control.
Seattle. Claire is sitting on a couch reading when she hears Lisa yelling from the other room, "It's time for you to leave now. Go! Go! Go! Go!" Not sure what's going on, Claire enters the kitchen to find Lisa talking to the floor. The whole "is she crazy or not" debate is at last resolved when Lisa explains that she's trying to rid the house of ants. She tried all sorts of vegan methods (including citrus oil and leaving food out by the door), but none of them worked, and now she's trying to reason with them. Yeah. I'll let you decide for yourself just how that "crazy" question was answered. Claire mentions that The Late Nate used to just torch them with lighter fluid, and I'm not really sure that method is any better than Lisa's. It doesn't really matter anyway, since it's time for another lightning-fast subject change. "I'm not still in love with your brother," says Lisa. "I used to be. I used to think that one day he would realize I was the one for him, but he never has. Do you think he ever will?" Claire says she doesn't know, and admits that even though he's her brother, he's not heavy. Kidding. She really says that she's still "just getting to know the guy." Lisa describes Nate as a "heartbreaker" (although personally, I'd have gone with "hair-grower," but again, that's just me) and says that there are at least a dozen women in Seattle that would freak if they knew he was back. Then she asks Claire if she has a boyfriend. Claire manages to stammer out that they just broke up, and Lisa looks back down at the floor. "Fucking ants," she mutters.
Outside, in front of The Greatest (And Cheapest) View In All The World, Nate calls Brenda. For those keeping score at home, that's two Space Needle shots so far. Brenda is by the bathtub in her boudoir, and is doing the absolute bare minimum required to participate in the conversation. She mentions her afternoon with Mom, but doesn't want to talk about it. Nate mentions that he has a headache, but he doesn't want to talk about that, either. As they hang up, Nate looks pensive, and Brenda bursts into tears. Later, Brenda is soaking in the tub with one of her ever-present joints. Suddenly, there's a knock at the door. She pulls on a robe and opens the front door to find Grant Show. He steps inside, and after a few brief lines, the seduction begins. Pretty soon, Brenda is buck naked, and Grant is going down on her. Damn. How nice must it be to be Rachel Griffiths these days? She's getting great press, she's got a new movie coming out, and to top it all off, her day job provides both a Golden Globe and regular oral sex. I'm so totally in the wrong business. Since the Grant Show thing was obviously a dream, we now cut back to the tub, where Brenda seems intent on using the shower massager to thoroughly clean her...what's that you say? She's doing what? Oh. Ew.
And now we segue into the wrap-up portion of the episode. First we visit the Fortress, where Keith has arrived to pick up a sleeping Taylor. As he holds her and prepares to leave, he and David share a nice moment. They don't kiss or anything, but the spark has clearly returned. Then it's back to Seattle, where Nate is lying in bed, staring off into space. Lisa comes in to give him an extra blanket, and immediately asks him if everything is okay. He says yes, but he clearly can't fool her, and within seconds he's sobbing and rocking back and forth in her arms. She comforts him as best she can, and we fade to white.
The morning, Lisa offers breakfast, but Claire instantly says no. Heh. Meanwhile, Nate is going through a closet, looking for some of his old things. He's looking specifically for an old flannel shirt, which Lisa says she's pretty sure went to Goodwill. But then he finds it in the back of the closet, and her face falls. She describes the shirt as being "so Nate," and, perhaps realizing what it means to her, Nate offers to let her keep it. She protests a bit, but finally accepts. And with that, Nate announces that they need to hit the road and "pick up Mr. Mossback." And it's about time, too, considering that's the title of the episode. Also, do you get it? Driving Mr. MossBACK? Or maybe they were going for "a rolling stone gathers no moss." Either way, Lisa hands out the hugs one last time, and we're out.
It's breakfast time at the Formaldehyde Fortress as well, as David comes downstairs to find Ruth already at the table. They make small talk about Keith and Taylor, and David finally asks if there's something she wants to say to him. When she says yes, he replies, "I'm all ears." A particularly cheeky editor cuts straight to a close-up of Ruth's ear as she reminisces that The Late Nate used to say exactly that all the time. She then switches back to the constructobabble as she talks about Taylor, and whether or not David's relationship with Keith might be confusing for her. After repeated viewings, by the way, I'm retracting what I said in the forums. That WAS homophobic, whether Ruth intended it to be or not. David's face goes flat when he hears this, and after a moment, he responds, "Mom, I'm happy for you if this whole Plan thing of yours has enabled you to draft a new blueprint, or patch up some of the cracks in your foundation, but just between you and me, you're starting to sound like a crazy person. And I think it's time you kept that shit to yourself and minded your own fucking business." He stalks out and slams the door behind him, leaving Ruth alone in the house with an inscrutable look on her face.
And then finally Nate is signing for Mr. Mossback's body. He climbs back into the van, and Claire says she thinks it's a little weird to be driving all the way back to L.A. with a corpse in the van. But she doesn't think driving a lime-green hearse is weird? Whatever. It's really just a set-up for Nate to respond, "It's only weird if you make it weird." Also, the cardboard coffin is helpfully labelled on each end with "Head" and "Feet." Heh. That amuses me for some reason, although I have no idea why. Claire pulls out a CD to put on, and tells her brother that she finds it comforting that he's just as fucked up as the rest of them. Nate tries to deny it, and as they argue and start driving, we pull back and fade to white.
And that's that, kids. I'm heading back to the beach, so enjoy your early recap, and we'll meet back here for the recaplet on Sunday.