In the beginning, Gerald Levin created HBO. And the network was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of Brian Benben. Then David Chase said, "Let there be Livia," and there was. And Gerald looked upon the show, and saw that it was good, and on the second day He begat the prodigal son: Six Feet Under. And the many viewers gave thanks, and there was much rejoicing throughout all the lands. But then upon the third day, the skies darkened, and evil stalked the stirring Earth, and thus was born in unholy union The Mind of the Married Man. And so sayeth The Lord unto His angels, in His infinite wisdom and compassion: Let the Scourge Of Binder be driven from its lair, and beaten with sticks, and then cast out into the eternal hell-fires of Damnation. Forever and ever. Amen.
Yep. That's right, kids. Sunday school is back in session. Now we've got a lot of ground to cover here, and not a lot of time to do it in, so sit up straight, everybody pay attention, and I'd better not catch any of you people wearing jeans. It's also going to be very important that you keep up with the required reading this season. The coursework includes texts from: The Bhagavad Gita, The Gospel of John, Nathaniel & Isabel in Mesopotamia, Blah Blah Blah Biblecakes, Alan Ball's The Indoor Bible, God's Love Is Infinite (And So Is Aaron's) by Lauren Ambrose's legal team, and, of course, Jeremy Sisto's seminal work in the field of literary Biblical interpretation: Was Jesus Really Creepy? A Stalker's Take On The Bible. And since I know you like reading with me, there WILL be a quiz in the final episode.
And speaking of Sunday school, it seems that the AOL Time Warner University's Department Of Synergistic Studies is still in full swing, as HBO is now sporting one of those WB-style "all your stars at a big party" ads. My personal favorite was the part where Edie Falco rubs James Gandolfini's big furry head, but I was also partial to the moment during the pre-show hype when Mike Binder described Rachel Griffiths as being "easy." Nice, Mike. Very nice. Asshole. And apparently, Alan Ball shares my sentiments on the subject of all this hype, because he proceeds to mock exactly the same sort of premiere party in the opening scene of his own second season premiere. Well, eventually, at least. First, however, we're treated to that most Dawsonian of all opening scenes: The fake film within a film. A nubile young blonde is cavorting about her bedroom in a pair of admittedly cute matching undies, and then all of a sudden I'm recapping Scream again. Munch -- uh, I mean, "The Butcher" smashes through the kitchen window (complete with Leatherface's mask, Freddy Krueger's penchant for sex-and-death-laden single entendres, and OJ Simpson's knife), and slices and dices the screaming blonde right into a smash cut which reveals that we're actually watching this at the movie's premiere (and the movie's name, by the way, is Whack Job, with the slogan: "Meet the butcher. He loves his work." Shout-out?). We see the recently beheaded blonde sitting in the audience with her actor boyfriend, and then wandering the party outside with her (much uglier) manager. The rest of the scene plays out as a very nicely constructed montage of a really, really bad night at a party, basically making it the Alan Ball inverse of HBO's new promo ad. Anyway, after enduring repeated warnings not to show her tits again, several trips to the bathroom to snort coke, and the wholly unnecessary mental image of Shawn Hatosy's ass, our little blonde baby finally ends up OD'd and puking in a bathroom stall. And while the sounds of everyone hightailing it out of the bathroom after she dies were hilarious, the actual shot her puking was itself a wholly unnecessary image as well. And that, my friends, is the sad, sad story of one Rebecca Leah Milford.
Alan Ball: Ahhhhhh. It's good to be back.
Lazarus: I'll say.
Alan Ball: Heh. So, did you miss me?
Lazarus: Eh. Not really. I've learned to tolerate boredom pretty well.
Alan Ball: Yeah, I guess you'd have to.
Lazarus: Actually, it's pretty easy. It's all about keeping your mind totally blank.
Alan Ball: Hmm. I'll have to try that. Whenever I'm bored I usually just end up pouring myself a glass of wine, slipping in a DVD, and sitting back to polish my Oscar and my Golden Globes for a while.
Lazarus: Ew. Now that's just wrong on soooo many levels.
Alan Ball: Sorry.
Lazarus: Un-huh. Sure you are. You know, I always used to laugh when people used the phrase "better off dead," but now I'm not so sure.
Alan Ball: Yeah. Okay, see, this is where I would ordinarily tell you to "Get out. Now," but instead I think this time I'll try "Go that way really fast. If something gets in your way, turn."
As we fade up from The Ironically White Title Card Of Death, we quickly learn that this season isn't going to be all that different from the last one. Our opening image, of course, is Nate and Brenda having sex in front of an open window. Ah, you crazy kids with your exhibitionist tendencies. Oh, how I've missed you. Only this time, Brenda stops him, because "it just isn't going to happen for [her]." Suddenly I'm consumed with the fear that Lauren Ambrose's legal team has me under surveillance and is reporting the results back to Alan Ball. Because this sort of thing happens to me all the time. I guess I must be doing it wrong. An always-ready-to-please Nate quickly dives under the covers to give Brenda some mouth-to-uh, whatever resuscitation, but even that doesn't seem to be doing the trick. Finally he gives up, and curls up to her for a long interlude of psychobabble. Brenda gives him a whole "this is not my beautiful life" speech about how if her life was a movie, it would be too boring to watch. Is that some sort of slam on the Golden Globe voters? Nate casually suggests that Brenda might be a wee bit depressed (albeit without actually using the dreaded "D" word), and Brenda wistfully agrees that she probably is. Aww. Nate loves his deeply disturbed girlfriend. How sweet.
Formaldehyde Fortress. Rico has brought in the boyfriend of Li'l Miss Slash 'n' Sniff (tm K-Town Girl) as a client, largely because his sister-in-law was in the movie with her. The boyfriend (Brodie, a.k.a. Shawn Hatosy) reports that LMSnS had no kin, because her "she was raised by her grandmother, who also died," and then Rico's sister-in-law adds that the cast of the movie will be paying for the funeral. Only they want the cheapest service possible. Rico, flush with the opportunity to impress his boss, cheerfully points out that Fisher & Sons offers a "variety of services for the more budget-conscious client." I guess that means he'll fix up her breasts with generic cat food, instead of the Fancy Feast kind. Just then, David's cell phone rings, and Rico makes a point of telling him to take it, because he wants to handle the sale himself.
And so David does. Turns out the call is from "Kevin," a fireman whose personal ad David has answered. He's thrilled to be hearing from him, and even more thrilled to be setting a date for that afternoon. He's so thrilled, in fact, that when Kevin tells him to look for a guy in a red baseball cap, David replies, "Great! I love red! It's one of my favorite colors…of which I have many." Rolling his eyes at his own stupidity, David quickly ends the call and looks embarrassed. He really shouldn't worry, though. In fact, if the forums are any indication, red is everyone's else favorite color for him as well.
Meanwhile, back in Das Sargzimmer, Rico is trying to display his salesmanship skills. Unfortunately, he's stymied at every turn. Brodie doesn't want to bury LMSnS, because she was afraid of the dark, and the sister-in-law wants to skip the casket altogether and just have her cremated in a cardboard box. Not willing to give up so easily, Rico attempts to foist upon them a "beautiful and unusual cremains vessel" (hee!) that's filled with ashes and Lucite dolphins. "[LMSnS] wasn't really into dolphins," replies Brodie. "I remember, somebody suggesting she boycott tuna, you know, because of the whole dolphins getting caught in the net thing. And she said, 'Fuck dolphins! I want a nicoise salad.'" I giggle. Rico looks like he wants to cry. Angelica (the sister-in-law), finally spots something she's interested in: a locket they can each wear to carry around the ashes forever. So, instead of a big movie-star funeral, Rico has managed to sell nothing but a few plastic trinkets. Remember that week when he asks to borrow money.
Cut to a beautiful beach shot, where we see the lovely Lauren Ambrose gazing out at the waves from a lifeguard stand. For a moment I was scared that I'd somehow crossed over into a bizarro episode of Baywatch, but then I remembered that Lauren just isn't that kind of girl. And that's what I like about her. She's soon joined by Gabe, who's sporting a woolen do-rag and a soul patch that's almost Krauseian in its scragliness. She immediately begins to berate him for skipping school, and Gabe gets defensive. Now do you see? She's even all bossy and protective. And you wonder why I love her. Anyway, Gabe's main point here is that he's "eighteen and living in California," so he should be allowed to skip school, get high, and go to the car museum. Claire, on the other hand, reminds him that she has good reason to be worried about him (and, to me at least, it seemed like she was referring to his suicidal OD, and not to the convenience store robbery, which she may or may not know about yet). Gabe promises to be good, and says that as long as he has her, everything will be all right. Lauren, however, just stares at the ocean, where apparently Foreshadowing is busy body-surfing with pals Metaphor and Irony.
Cut to Nate, lying in an MRI tube. A voice-over says, "Now let's take a look at your test results," at which point The Ironic Segue Fairy cuts us over to David, who's sitting in a clinic of his own. "You tested negative for the HIV antibody," reports the nurse, before going on to inform a massively relieved David that he is, however, positive for gonorrhea. "Have you had pain or difficulty urinating? Any penile or anal discharge?" asks the nurse. "No!" responds David, who's almost as disgusted as I am. The nurse writes him a prescription anyway (for Cipro, no less), and then calls him a "bad boy" for engaging in unprotected sex. That last part was much funnier than I'm ever going to be able to make it sound in print. Just trust me.
Formaldehyde Fortress. Claire comes home to find Mommie Drearest reading a book entitled Now That You Know. "Now that you know what?" asks Lauren. "That David is gay," replies Mom. Claire admits that she already knew that, and then Ruth decides to run down a few of the checklists in the book with her daughter. She quizzes Claire about her all her different feelings on the subject (because "the foundation of intimacy is truth"), before finally getting down to the real question: "Have you ever had any feelings of same-sex attraction?" Well, at least it's good to know that Ruth is still just as blurty as ever. Meanwhile, despite the occasional dreams I've had involving her, Alicia Witt, and Thora Birch, Lauren claims to have never been attracted to any girls. "It's nothing to be ashamed of," replies Mom, before gathering her courage to continue with, "When I was your age, I actually had a little crush on Jane Fonda." Heh. You know, it's weird, but the less I like Ruth, the more I seem to like Frances Conroy. She does all the little things really well. Claire takes this news in her typical detached fashion, replying, "Well, she's single again, so now's your chance." Heh again. But then I wonder who Ted Turner must have pissed off at AOL Time Warner to make them want to twist that particular knife like that. Oh, wait. Gerald Levin. Never mind.
At a restaurant somewhere, David is meeting with Fireman Kevin, who is, in fact, wearing a red baseball cap. Fireman Kevin presents as the absolute perfect gay date for David, because he's not into promiscuity (even though he's "a very sexual being"), his parents are totally supportive of his lifestyle, and he can even bring David to Gay Police And Firemen meetings where he might run into Keith. Faced with such a bounty (or should that be "booty"?) of riches, David is so nervous that he can't even utter a single sentence. Finally Fireman Kevin ends the awkward silence by announcing that he's late for work, and informing David that he doesn't think they'll be seeing each other again. "You can't make it happen if it's not there, right?" he asks, and a nearly tearful David is forced to agree.
Cut to a CAT scan of Nate's brain. Man, even that has hair on it. Nate's at his doctor's office, getting the test results that The Ironic Segue Fairy so rudely deprived us of a few scenes back. "Yep, it definitely looks like AVM," reports the doctor. Nate: "Fuck." The doctor continues examining the test results, muttering that the AVM doesn't appear to be in "an overly eloquent brain area" before asking if Nate is left-handed. Nate: "No." "That's…not good," replies Doc, who then adds "It's a little larger than I'd like it to be." Nate: "Yeah, well it's a little larger than I'd like it to be." Doc does a perfect Professor Frink throat clear and proceeds to pick the lint off his lab coat as he runs down Nate's medical options, none of which sounds particularly appealing. And then in our first official DEK Dream Sequence of the new season, Nate reaches across the desk and begins to throttle the guy. Once reality is restored, however, Doc continues to ramble on about various different options, which finally sends Nate over the edge. "Oh, God! Fuck! Fine!" he shouts, "You know what? Just don't do anything, okay? I'm just going to try and put this all out of my head, no pun intended, and just get on with my life." For various reasons primarily related to maintaining dramatic irony, Nate continues to cling to the hypothesis that if it weren't for the car accident, he never would have known about this, and would thus live to be a thousand years old. Whatever, Nate.
And just when the son starts to grate on my nerves, here comes Daddy to make everything okay again. We're in Nate's car, with Nate staring sadly out the window and The Late Nate apparently doing the driving. You know, I'm not really sure if that's a good idea (for several reasons, in fact), but the younger, more alive Nate doesn't seem to care. "Kind of ironic," soliloquies The Late Nate. "You don't smoke, you run every day, eat all that healthy crap. Now me, I smoked, I drank, I ate any old thing I wanted. And I inhaled embalming fluid for God knows how many years [Note: at first I thought this meant he was doing it recreationally, which is funnier, but now I'm not so sure], and you know what? If it wasn't for that bus, I'd have lived to be 93." Nate's witty retort? "Yeah? Well, who's the dead man in this car, huh? It's not me!"
Lazarus: "I am the resurrection and the life. He that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live."
Alan Ball: Nice. Is that John 3:16?
Lazarus: 11:25, actually.
Alan Ball: Hey, I'm just glad it's not 10:13.
Lazarus: No, that one's "The hireling fleeth, because he is a hireling, and careth not for the sheep."
Alan Ball: Yep. That sounds like Duchovny, all right.
The never subtle strains of PJ Harvey send us skittering off to Brenda's Brotherfucking Boudoir, where our hostess is engaged in a thorough (and thoroughly metaphorical) spring-cleaning of her soul. In other words, she's wandering around her house, going through all her possessions and throwing most of them away. She's also smoking a lot of pot, dancing about wildly, and remorsefully reading Nathaniel & Isabel In Outer-Space. And then as this week's director (Rodrigo Garcia) hits a nice music cue, we get one final shot of Brenda posed spread-eagled on her bed, looking exactly as if she'd been crucified, while Mommie Drearest voices over, "We thank you Heavenly Father for this and all thy blessings." Nicely done. Even us Jewish viewers caught that one.
As we join the voiced-over scene, already in progress, we find the Fisher family gathered around the dinner table. Ruth casually mentions that she's invited Nikolai over for dinner later in the week, and she'd like all the kids to be there. And then it happens. The single greatest moment in SFU history. Sweet, beautiful Lauren Ambrose looks right into the camera and says, "Nikolai The Flower Guy?" Aww, yeah. Now, THAT'S a shout-out. ["Then said the Jews, 'Behold how he loved [her]!'" -- John 11:36] And I can totally picture Lauren on the set that day, being all, "You actually want me to acknowledge this guy? You are going to pay for extra security, right?" But it's sweet nonetheless, and on the off chance that they didn't mean it as a shout-out, I'd really prefer to be alone over here with my delusions. So anyway, Ruth explains that she and Nikolai "are having a sexual relationship now," and even though she's not sure how long it's going to last, she wants the kids to see them together. "We're all adults," she adds. "We're all sexual beings, and we should acknowledge that." And you know what? She's right. So, okay, here's my big hiatus confession: Lauren and I are having a sexual relationship now. See, the whole "stalker" thing is just a cover, because we didn't want the forums going crazy, but…what's that? You don't believe me? She's married, you say? Well, all right. Fine. I lied. A little. It's actually Sars I've been having a affair with. See, with all those long nights of her berating me over my grammar and threatening to fire me, one thing just led to…what? Again you don't believe me? She's out of my league, you say? Jeez, you people are tough. Hmm. Would you believe I was sleeping with Strega? Jessica? Mike Binder? Anyone? Come on, help me out here.
Ruth then drops the final bombshell, which is that Nate should bring Brenda to dinner, Claire should bring Gabe, and David should bring his "special friend." "Why is my friend 'special'?" asks an over-sensitive David, and Mommie Drearest amends her request: "All right. If you're having sex with anyone, I'd like to meet him. Is that better?" "Not really," replies David, sending both Nate and Claire into fits of hysterics. There's some more cute familial interaction, and then Foreshadowing reminds Nate to take an aspirin because he heard it helps "keep the blood thin." After a crack about that from David, Ruth returns to her roots by asking, "What is that supposed to mean? Is that some sort of insult? That we're thin-blooded?" David apologizes, and then is rewarded for that by having Mom ask if he's seeing anyone. When he says no, she probes even further. "Well, why not? Sex is a important and healthy part of life, and nothing to be ashamed of." "Yes, I know," he answers. "Unfortunately, I'm not having any right now." Mommie Drearest asks after Keith, or as she likes to put it, "That cop. The black man." Say it with me now, everyone: "That Big Black Sex Man." David confides that Keith has met someone else, and all his siblings look sad for him.
Later on, Nate sits on the basement steps and calls Brenda. He's trying to make plans to come see her, but she's just too busy. If by busy, of course, you mean "lying in bed and too depressed to get up." Nate tries to be as understanding as possible, but you can see that it's wearing on him. "I just…I'd really like to be with you at this moment in time," he says. Aww. I've played the Nate role in enough of my own relationships to feel nothing but sympathy for the guy here, so I'll let this scene pass without so much as a single facial hair crack. Sometimes I wonder why it is that I'm always attracted to the moody mean girls. Oh, wait. Hi, Mom. What's up?
Anyway, Nate hangs up with Brenda and heads into Rico's Body Shop, where young Rico is just unpacking Li'l Miss Slash 'n' Sniff's corpse (StC = 1,632. That's good enough for an A- this week). Rico, as is his wont, quickly asks for a favor. He needs Nate to take the body down to the crematorium, because he's busy with all the kids at home. You know, I've got to be honest here. Everyone in the forums is all about how Rico is so valuable, and the greatest employee ever, and how the Fishers are crazy if they don't pay him what he's worth. Personally, I think he's a lousy employee. He can't sell for shit, he's always asking for time off and special treatment, and he constantly holds the threat of quitting over their heads. I'd have fired his ass last season and brought in The Red-Headed Jew. Oh, my God. I'm think I'm finally becoming middle management. Yeah. It's time to quit my day job. Nate wisely refuses to grant Rico's request, and then an important future plot point swoops out of the sky and informs us all that Rico hates drug users. Nate shares a tender emotional moment with the nubile, naked corpse on the slab (Ew. Not like that), and then we fade to white.
Lazarus: Uh, did he just make a necrophilia joke? Because that was totally uncalled for.
Alan Ball: Well, she still is kinda cute.
Lazarus: Yes, but you're forgetting one thing.
Alan Ball: What's that?
Lazarus: John 11:39: "Lord, by this time [she] stinketh: for [she] hath been dead four days."
Alan Ball: Good point. On the other hand, I'm just happy he's made it this far without any jokes about that place in Georgia.
Lazarus: Yeah, and you know, I don't get that.
Alan Ball: Well, really, who does?
Lazarus: I just can't figure out why the hell would anybody want to be cremated in the first place. I mean, there's always a chance, right? Just look at me.
Fade up on a church service at St. Stephens. The Hey, It's That Girl preacher from last season delivers a sermon about how God loves everyone, and then we cut to David, Keith, and Eddie at lunch in a diner somewhere. I'm sure I’ll get nasty email calling me a racist for pointing this out, but it's worth noting that, aside from a waitress, David is the only white person in the restaurant. Eddie and Keith rub their couplehood in David's face with a brief interlude about hang-gliding (don't ask), and then David has a hilarious DEK moment that features him competing (naked, except for a sash which reads "Mr. White Ass Cracker") alongside Eddie and Keith in the Mr. Gay Black America Pageant. When we return to the restaurant, Keith oh-so-casually slips in the fact that he and Eddie are moving in together, so they can get a bigger place and a dog. David is naturally dismayed.
And now we come to the only bad scene in the whole show. Brenda gives a massage to some high-powered Hollywood type, only he's so annoying that she's forced to kick him out. The scene was a lot longer than that makes it seem, but I'm sort of on a deadline here, and it wasn't very funny, so I'm skipping the bulk of it. In fact, I should probably point out that it's already 5:00 PM on Sunday, and this is as far as I've gotten. How the hell am I supposed to finish this by the time the show airs? ["Jesus answered, 'Are there not twelve hours in the day?'" -- John 11:9] Shut up, Jesus.
Back at the Formaldehyde Fortress, Nate reaches into the cabinet to take another "aspirin." "So this is where the magic happens," voices over Gabe. Clever, Alan. Very clever. Gabe and Lauren are actually down in the Body Shop, which Gabe is seeing for the first time. He wanders around, looking in various cabinets, while Lauren explains some of the more unpleasant aspects of the undertaking industry. "They have these like, plastic screws, only bigger," she says, "that they stick into people's orifices so stuff won't spill out." Hey, that almost sounds like a scene from Queer as Folk. Gabe gets serious all of a sudden, as he realizes that this is where his little brother was embalmed. Claire apologizes for bringing him down, and then Gabe pulls her in for a long, lingering kiss. ["And Jesus wept." -- John 11:35] Lauren pulls away, looking half-nervous and half-excited. I look sick to my stomach. "You're the first guy I've ever brought home to meet my family," she confesses, and Gabe promises to be on his best behavior.
Upstairs, everyone is gathered in the den, enjoying the awkward silence. Nikolai chimes in that Ruth is a good woman, and David snaps at him. "You'll have to excuse my brother," says Lauren, "he's been really cranky ever since he stopped getting laid." Heh. Now she sounds exactly like my sister. I wouldn't worry too much, though, because apparently, the authors of the Bible also read spoilers. ["And Jesus sayeth unto her, Thy brother shall rise again." -- John 11:23] Wow. Who knew? Then again, if God could correctly foretell the departure of Duchovny, I guess we shouldn't be surprised. Nikolai THE FLOWER GUY shrugs off David's remarks, and mentions that he had a son who would have been slightly older than David. And that's all the detail we get for the moment on that potential plotline, because now Nate and Brenda show up and greet everyone. In a sign of things to come, Nate is already getting a little touchy-feely with Brenda.
Dinner. Everyone sits around the table, and Ruth asks for someone to say grace. Before David can start, however, Nikolai jumps in. I'll just transcribe the following bit verbatim, because it's totally worth it:
Nikolai: The poor shall eat and be filled, and those that seek The Lord shall praise him. Their hearts will live forever and ever. Glory be to the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, both now and forever, and unto the edges of edges. Amen. [This part is accompanied by vigorous chest-thumping and gesticulating.] Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy, Lord Bless. Oh Lord, Jesus Christ, Son of God, for the sake of the prayers of Thy most pure mother and all the saints, have mercy on us. Amen.
Once he's finally finished, Nate sums up what I'm sure is everyone's opinion of Nikolai's amazing grace. "Nikolai, you are so beautiful," he says. "You're such a beautiful person. There's this total light coming out of you." "That's a very unusual compliment," says Mom. "Your brother is, like, high," says Gabe. Nate over-fills his glass with wine, and I cringe in remembrance of a few recent hangovers. In fact, I've given up champagne for Lent, and I'm not even Catholic. Oh, wait. That's not the RDC Challenge anymore. Oops. My bad. I guess although I'm not a rookie, I'm not yet a seasoned recapper again. Oh, and also? Sweater, camembert, fluglebinder, vitamins, ontological rutabagas, Shirley Temple, Enron, ban Sorkin, and "We get it." Good luck guessing that there Challenge now, kids! Everyone watches incredulously as Nate sips directly from his glass, paws Brenda, and generally continues to make an ass out of himself. Finally, Brenda gets his attention. "Nate, you're high," she tells him, and then forces him to look up into the lights for confirmation. Peter Krause has a pitch-perfect expression on his face as he gazes up to the ceiling and replies, "Oh my God, I am high. I love the little…they're like halos." There was some more there, but I was laughing too damn hard to hear it. "I am SO not hungry," announces Nate, ending the scene. "You are SO right about that," I immediately shouted back at the screen.
Later, Ruth and Nikolai are in the kitchen. "I think this went pretty good tonight, yes?" asks Nikolai. "What are you talking about? One of my sons is high on drugs!" exclaims Ruth, over a shot of Nate waving his arms around in the other room. "He just seems happy," says an obviously clueless Nikolai. Then Claire and Gabe enter, and report that they're going out to the movies. Claire says they'll be home late, and reminds Mom that she told them they're all adults. Mommie Drearest is about to complain, but then Claire gives her a quick kiss goodnight, and is even sweet to Nikolai, so Mom just lets her go.
Meanwhile, in the other room, however, The Wrecked-Angle Head (tm sorkinhead) is on a roll. Again, I'll just transcribe this verbatim:
Nate: It's all about flowing. It flows up, it flows down, and then sometimes things stop it from flowing and you stay, and it's like you just kinda move in a little pool, you know, like you're…in a…in a little eddy. And that's what it all comes down to. It's everything. Everything in my life. Every THING. You know, this thing, this thing in my head, it's all about flow. [Long exhale.]
David: Flow?
Nate: [Longer exhale, complete with Jim Carrey-esque facial contortions.]
David: Uh-huh.
Nate watches David's response, and then suddenly his face lights up. "Oh my God!" he says. "Oh my God, that was so totally you. That was so totally David." Nate kneels down beside his brother and stares up at him. "I love you," he sighs, prompting Brenda to jump up and head for the door. "I hope I didn't do anything to fuck you up when we were kids. [to Brenda] Did you know I taught David how to masturbate?" I can't tell whose facial expressions are funnier here, Peter Krause's or Michael C. Hall's. It's a pretty close race. David begs Brenda to take Nate with her, but she flat-out refuses. Nate gropes her goodbye a few times, and wonders aloud how he managed to get high without taking any drugs. David finally relents and even smirks a bit as he mentions that there might have been "a stray tab of Ecstasy" hidden in the aspirin bottle, thus filling in the only two people left on the planet who haven't figured it out yet. Relieved to finally have an explanation, Brenda instructs Nate to call her week, and bolts out the door. Nate then rejoins David on the couch, and rubs both his thighs and his chest as he confesses that David's opinion of Brenda is important, because he's the only brother Nate has. This time, Michael C. Hall definitely has the funnier facial expression. But not by much.
Alan Ball: You see, it's funny because when he talks about "the flow," you think he means…
Lazarus: The Big O.
Alan Ball: Yeah. But then it's really all about him dying.
Lazarus: Yeah. We get it. Because you guys are always so sneaky with all that equating sex to death stuff.
Alan Ball: Would you prefer sex and free meat?
Lazarus: Are you kidding? That would be, like, my best date ever.
Hey, there's The Butcher again. It seems Claire and Gabe have gone to see Li'l Miss Slash 'n' Sniff's movie. When Gabe realizes that the star is one of the Fishers' clients, he feels compelled to mention how hot she is. Claire is appropriately disgusted.
Meanwhile, back at the house, Nate is beginning to crash. He flips channels on the TV, coming across a few movies, an infomercial, and a bunch of hamsters having a dinner party. Apparently, the hamster thing is actually a real show, so props to whoever on the editing staff managed to dig up that clip. After hearing some mysterious laughter from another room, Nate gets up from the sofa, and The Ominous Music Of An Impending Dream Sequence kicks in as he enters a plushly decorated room to find The Late Nate and two others playing a game of Chinese checkers. And actually, The Ominous Music Of An Impending Dream Sequence in this scene sounds a lot like The Ominous Techno Music Of Sydney's About To Kick Someone's Ass that's always playing on that OTHER Sunday-night show, so at first I was little confused.
The Late Nate invites his boy in, and introduces his friends. First up is Death, played by Stanley Kamel, a smarmy-looking businessman in a fancy suit. And the other is Life, who is played, as apparently always, by a jolly black woman. Um, which casting director decided that God could only ever be played by cheerful African-African women? I'm serious. Did I miss a memo on that or something? ["Could be worse. Could be Alanis Morissette." -- Sars] Nate is shocked to learn that Dad has been hanging out with both Life and Death, but Life (hereafter known as The Fat Black Sex God) points out that it's "a whole yin-yang thing." "Let's just say it's a mutually beneficial arrangement," adds Death. Dad invites Nate to join the game, and Death again scores points by mentioning the episode title (SttM = 2,719) when he says, "You're either in the game, or you're out of it." "On or off the bus, if you prefer," clarifies The Late Nate, to much amusement on my part. Nate sits down, agrees to bet "everything" on the outcome, and makes his first move. I have absolutely no idea how Chinese Checkers is played, so I won't be providing any play-by-play on the game itself. But that's actually okay, because they only manage a few more moves before Death starts showing off by adding the spliced-in sound of a lion's roar to his dialogue track. Apparently impressed with his growling skills, The Fat Black Sex God asks, "Do you want to fuck me, puppethead?" Then they jump up, head over to another chair, and start wildly humping each other. Yeah. Uh, okay. You had me up until here, Alan, but this is where it crossed the line. Anytime I start looking around expecting a midget to come out and start talking backwards, you know you've got a problem. Nate slides over to Dad, who informs him that they're watching "a big cosmic mystery, right here, right in front of you. Can't say your old man never took you anyplace interesting." Nate repeats over and over again that he knows he's high, but it doesn't help. We keep cutting back to Life and Death schtupping anyway. ["His disciples say unto him, 'Master, the Jews of late sought to stone thee; and goest thou thither again?'" -- John 11:8] "All that lives, lives forever," says The Late Nate, stroking his son's hair. "Only the shell, the perishable passes away. The spirit is without end, eternal, deathless."
And with that, Nate awakens on the sofa. He picks up a pen and a TV Guide, and starts scrawling on the back cover. Fade to white.
Oy. It's 6:30 now, and I've still got fifteen minutes of show to go. And just so you know, I've been up since 6:00 AM working on this recap. I'm seriously doing this on like eight minutes' sleep. Anyway, it appears that David has just woken up as well, as he sits in the kitchen in his PJs and calls Keith. Keith, however, is still asleep (lucky bastard), and he groggily rubs his eyes as he says hello. David goes on about how much he enjoyed their little lunch with Eddie (who's sleeping right beside Keith), and then slyly mentions that if Keith ever wanted to do anything with "just the two of [them]," he'd be, uh, up for it, so to speak. Keith tries to gently break it to David that he's happy with Eddie now, and that David is just going to have to get used to it. David gets pissed at this and hangs up, but not before shouting, "Jesus, Keith! Could you be a little more self-righteous?"
Just then, Mommie Drearest comes downstairs and joins her son in the kitchen. David asks if Nikolai slept over, and then quite nicely tells his mom that she has every right to have a boy sleep over if she wants. "I know that," she replies. "I don't need your permission." "Nor do I need yours," he answers. They agree, and chat a little about how horrible last night's dinner was. Ruth says that she did it all for him, because "some stupid book" told her to. Then she asks if Nate is addicted to drugs. "I think he took it by accident," says David. "Oh please," replies Ruth. "How can something like that be an accident?" Get it? Do you? Because, you know, she took some by accident too, remember?
And now for the funeral. We see a photo of Li'l Miss Slash 'n' Sniff, and then Ugly Manager gives a eulogy, which basically consists of holding up her little locket full of ashes and talking about how LMSnS's star shone too brightly for this world. Gabe and Claire are sitting in the back, with Gabe cracking jokes and making ominous comments about how "everybody dies." Then he gets up and walks out, and we see Nate and David in their usual positions by the back entrance. Nate still can't figure out how Ecstasy got into the aspirin bottle. At first he thinks it was Claire, but then David admits that he's the one who put it there. Nate smiles and asks, "Well, do you think you could get some more?" Heh.
Brodie the Boyfriend steps up to the podium to speak about his now-dead girlfriend. After announcing that he wrote something just for her, he puts one finger up to his ear, and bursts into song. And yet again, I'm forced to transcribe it verbatim, because it's just too good to miss a word:
Tiny Venus, your breath like baby rabbits on a field abuzz with bees and life
Little did you know how briefly the sun would shine upon your own private utopia
Your candle may have been blown out, but you hang in the air
Like smoke
Bwa ha ha ha! I was going to include an MP3 here so that those of you without cable could understand the true hilarity of this song, but apparently that's some sort of copyright violation, and Lauren's lawyers take those things very seriously. So, sorry. You'll just have to trust me. Again. Or get cable, which you should have done ten years ago anyway.
Cut to the Body Shop, where Claire catches Gabe looking guilty. "It was a stupid idea for me to come to a funeral for fun," he says, in what may well qualify as one of The Top Twelve "Duh" Lines Of All Time. Claire tries to console him, but he gets all angry, screaming, "I'm not a pet! I'm not your pet!" before stalking out of the room. Claire is left alone, looking sad and almost to the point of crying. Aww. Poor Lauren. Don't cry, sweetie. It makes me so sad to see her like this. Wow. I guess I really am a stalker. ["When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled." -- John 11:33] Also, when is she going to learn that whenever Gabe starts acting like a bad boy, it's usually because he's really just been a bad boy? Well, actually, judging from the previews, she'll probably be learning that week.
Back upstairs, Rico fights with his sister-in-law over who is going to pay for the funeral. Apparently, Boyfriend Brodie is trying to, uh, stiff them, and Rico wants Angelica to make up the difference. Angelica flat-out refuses, and lets slip that she already gave Rico's wife $500 to buy groceries. Furious, Rico storms off to call his wife, swearing in Spanish all the while.
And, in the ultimate "Ew!" scene of the week, Lauren now walks in on Brodie and some friends snorting up Li'l Miss Slash 'n' Sniff's ashes like cocaine. Okay, so it's an "Ew," but it's also a "heh," so I'll let it slide this time. Claire goes off on them, which forces Nate to intervene and remind her that paying customers get to snort whatever they want at the funeral.
Now it's back to the beach, where Nate is relaying his Chinese checkers dream to Brenda. He reads off the long quote from his dad, and Brenda is surprisingly able to fill in the last few sentences for him. "It's The Bhagavad Gita," she says, reminding him that he read it at her house. "But it sounded so profound," whines Nate. "And now you're telling me it's just recycled from my brain?" "From your drug-addled brain," reminds Brenda. Just then, Nate's phone rings. It's David, calling to congratulate him for having passed the Funeral Directors examination. "I had totally forgotten about that," says Nate, showing that he's really not all that different from you or me. "I'm really proud of you," says David, in a nicely touching sibling moment, but Nate (quite literally, in fact) seems to have more important things on his mind. Brenda meanwhile has packed up her bags and gotten ready to leave while all this goes on. Once Nate finally hangs up, she claims to have a client, and rebuffs Nate's attempts to make plans with her for later. "I'm having enough trouble just being with myself right now," she says. "I'm sorry, it's not you. It's me. I'm fucked up." And then she adds the four little words that guys like Nate never like to hear: "You can't fix it." She walks off, leaving him alone to stare at the breaking waves. It's a nice, serious dramatic moment as he stands up and walks slowly out into the water, but unfortunately, all I can focus on is Peter Krause's nasty new mullet look. And that's okay, anyway, because it turns out that his trip into the ocean was merely another metaphorical dream sequence. "You're in the game now, buddy-boy," says a newly appeared Late Nate, "whether you like it or not." Fade to white.
Lazarus: I like what you did there at the end with the ocean thing. Of course, I do feel compelled to point out that MY guy could have actually walked on top of the water.
Alan Ball: Listen, just because somebody wrote a book about him...
Lazarus: Dude. He brought. Me back. From the dead. That guy's preaching to the choir as far as I'm concerned.
Alan Ball: Yeah. Ha ha. "Preaching to the choir." That's reeeeal clever.
Lazarus: It wasn't supposed to be. I really am in the choir. Wanna hear? I do a mean "Nearer My God To Thee."
Alan Ball: Get out. Now.
Lazarus: Aww, come on. Just one song?
Ala Ball: I'm serious, man. You don't want to mess with me. "I am the death that carries off all, and the origin of things that are to be."
Lazarus: Hmm. What is that, Ecclesiastes?
Alan Ball: The Bhagavad Gita. Now go.
And so after six months of waiting, sixty minutes of pretty darn good TV, and twelve some-odd hours of recapping, we've finally reached the episode's end. I wonder what God would say about that? ["Which is as poison in the beginning, but is like nectar in the end; that is declared to be 'good' pleasure, born from the serenity of one's own mind." -- Bhagavad Gita 18:37] Ooh, and you know what? I've still got two hours to nap before the episode. Rock on!
["Then said his disciples, Lord, if he sleep, he shall do well." -- John 11:14] See ya week!