Season-ending shout-outs, in no particular order, to the following people: Sars, Wing, Glark, Gustave, Jessica, Strega, Camper, Shack, Pooh, Rona, The Owl, The Gaylord, Rachel, Rachael, Marc, and everyone else I'm forgetting. Also Rick and Larry, because I know you're reading, and because you're better writers than I am. Also, because it apparently just can't be said often enough -- marry me, Lauren.
David Chase: You believe this shit? He wastes like half a page naming names, and we don't even get like a "mad props" or anything. Meanwhile, if it weren't for us condescending to stop by and chat every now and then, this guy would probably be writing for the WB Scoop.
Alan Ball: Actually, I just assumed we were The Owl and The Gaylord.
David Chase: Why would I be an owl?
Alan Ball: And just what makes you think I'd be The Gaylord?
David Chase: Grace Under Fire.
Alan Ball: Oh. Right.
David Chase: Anyway, Fontana and I are headed over to Tom Hanks's place later for the time-slot handover ceremony. You wanna come?
Alan Ball: No thanks. I've already been from the Earth to the moon with that guy once. Actually twice, in fact. I don't need to do it again.
Aaron: Actually, I'm going to pass on that one too, guys.
Alan Ball: Oh, please. Like anyone even cares what you do.
Fade up on a young gay couple cavorting at an ATM. They're hugging, withdrawing money, and making "size doesn't matter" jokes about each other's balances. And while I object to PDA (regardless of gender) on general principles alone, it's worth noting that they're not really doing anything untoward or obnoxious. Not, of course, that they deserve to be brutally beaten and killed even if they were, but you know what I mean. Anyway, two muscle-bound morons show up in a Trans Am, which is of course the official international car of muscle-bound morons everywhere. As a personal favor to Sars, I'll just add that Michael Knight is the exception that proves the rule. The muscular morons confront the cavorting couple, and bigotry and violence quickly ensue. One of the young men gets away, but after the other makes an ill-fated decision to attempt to retrieve his dropped cell phone, the muscular morons catch up to him. They kick him and beat him with a lead pipe, before finally running off and leaving his body in an empty parking lot. Farewell, Marcus Foster Jr. We hardly knew ye.
Despite the continuing, unexplained absence of The Ironic Musical Detachment Fairy, The Ironic Segue Fairy cuts us straight from The Ironically White Title Card Of Death to a close-up of Rico's newborn son. As he hands the baby over to a gushing Nate, he instructs him not to "hold him like he's a football." Is that supposed to be a Sports Night joke? "It's more like you're carrying a watermelon," continues Rico, and I'd be willing bet that's a set-up for a future embalming-MacGyver joke. Behind them, David enters, just in time to hear Ruth assert that even though the baby looks just like his father, he'll probably "grow out of it." That's probably also a meta-comment about Rico's inevitable redemption from the depths of his soon-to-revealed homophobia, but we'll talk more about that later. David stands outside the doorway, making any excuse he can to avoid holding the baby himself. Ruth, meanwhile, overshares that Nate was "a very gassy baby," before moving on to more meta-mockery by snarking that David "hardly even made a peep." Not to be outdone in the subtext sweepstakes, Rico asks Nate and David when they're going to "grow up and make this woman a grandmami." David dodges the question, much to Nate's delight, and the scene ends.
The Lean Green Corpse Machine pulls into the school parking lot, and Claire and Gabe get out. You know, given everything else that's happened over the course of the season, I'm surprised that we never saw Claire's character "blossoming" and repainting the Corpse Machine a feisty new color after the "toe-slut" incident. Heck, they could have used some of the leftover red from all the gallons of fake blood Billy goes through this week. Anyway, Gabe is all nervous about returning to school for the first time, and even goes so far as to deliver an actual PSA, saying, "It's not cool to OD." Claire correctly points out that "everyone is too obsessed with what everyone else thinks of them to think about anybody else." And how does Gabe respond to this trenchant societal observation? He calls her a "freak." You see why I hate him? I rest my case. As they head inside, a group of girls start whispering about Gabe, and Claire immediately jumps to defend him. You see why I love her? I rest my case.
At Brenda's Brotherfucking Boudoir, Brenda confronts Billy about the creepy sleepy-time photos he took in their hotel room last week. Ignoring his feeble denials, she demands that he return his key to her apartment, and also that he go back on his meds immediately. When the subject of pharmaceuticals is raised, Billy quickly picks up a baggie of pot from the table, and observes that Brenda herself is no stranger to the concept of self-medication. I think someone on the SFU staff might be issuing a cry for help with their marijuana addiction here. Billy insists that he would never hurt Brenda, because she's "the most important person in [his] life." "Don't you think that's a little fucked up?" asks Brenda. Uh, yes. Yes, we do. He promises to go back on the medication, but Brenda still wants the key. Heck, she might even change the locks, although this doesn't seem to faze Billy. "Do you know how easy it would be to break into this place?" he asks. Uh, yes. Yes, we do. Just ask Cockadile Dundee. Billy finally caves and throws the key at Brenda, and then stages a petulantly dramatic exit as he stalks off with a cardboard box on his head.
Das Sargzimmer. David and Nate are meeting with the parents of the gay-bashing victim. Against David's suggestion, Mom demands an open casket for the funeral. She brought pictures for them to use in the restoration process, and for a moment, I thought the DGDJ was actually Jeremy Drencher The Internet Boy from last week. He's not, though. The Dad reveals some barely repressed homophobia when he can't even bring himself to say the word "gay." He wishes his son had come out, only so that he could have helped protect him from this sort of thing. Just to make sure we get the point, the scene ends with a close-up on David looking concerned.
Down in the Body Shop, Rico is changing a diaper when David wheels in the DGDJ. The body is in pretty bad shape, with lacerations and bruises everywhere. Rico is apparently determined to make it through the entire episode without saying anything that isn't at least partially meta, so he teases David that they'll have to fix up the corpse because "men don't make passes at girls with big gashes." He giggles at his own joke, and coos to the baby that "Daddy is Mr. Funnyman." All I can say to that is, "Daddy, stop touching me." At this point, even David is tired of listening to Rico and his many levels of meaning, so he sends him and the baby home, and agrees to work on the DGDJ himself.
At The Only Restaurant Nate And Brenda Ever Eat At, Nate and Brenda are out to dinner. Brenda explains that she kicked Billy to the curb, but Nate wants her to go that extra mile and have him committed. Brenda whines and moans some more about how hard all this is for her, but I lose interest and start watching in slow motion for that weird The Air Up There frame that's supposed to be mysteriously inserted in this scene. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to have happened in my broadcast, so I'm forced to go back to listening to Brenda. "Do you even comprehend what it's like to be responsible for someone your whole life?" she asks. "Do you even get the concept of loving someone that much?" "Yes, I get that concept," replies Nate, though I, for one, don't really know why. Neither does Brenda, apparently, because she continues trying to push him away. Upset that he didn't immediately cave in and see things exactly her way, she decides that it might be better if they took "some time off." She tells him his key won't work because she's changed the locks, and bolts out of the restaurant.
Formaldehyde Fortress. David and Ruth are sitting down to dinner alone. After yet another pointed comment about how no one tells her anything, Ruth summons the courage to ask Dave about the gay-bashing death. When that conversational gambit fails to elicit the touching confession she'd hoped for, she moves on to another creative double entendre, asking David if he "likes the hen." "Yes, very much," he replies. "What did you stuff it with?" Oy. Still having no success at prodding her son into revealing his innermost secrets, she makes one last attempt by reminding David that he still loves her even if he doesn't approve of Hiram or anyone else she dates. Dave still refuses to take the bait, however, and Ruth returns to her hen with a "hmm."
Claire is visiting the guidance counselor/therapist guy at her school, and his diminutive size and oft-noted resemblance to George Stephanopoulos has led me to rename him George Tellmeallyourstuff. He asks Claire why she quit taking jazz, and she explains that the teacher was a crackhead. Really. No, really. He got arrested and everything. "Do your homework," she tells George Shouldhaveknownallthis. he asks about the literary magazine, which Claire quit in protest when they decided a cartoon of hers was "too disturbing to publish." Is that a "marry me, Lauren" shout-out? Because if it is, I'd just like to say that [the three sentences have been deleted at the request of Lauren Ambrose's legal team]. He also asks about the debate team, and anyone who knows me knows that's DEFINITELY a shout-out. Claire complains that "people in this school have the mentality of teenagers," which prompts George Speakstheobvious to point out that she's a teenager as well. Yeah. One envisioned and written by a middle-aged gay man, but that's okay, because it works. George Checkmydoofusness asks Claire what she likes to do for fun, and then reveals that he enjoys bowling with friends, hikes with his girlfriend, and baking. Normally, I'd point out that enjoying "baking" and "hikes with a girlfriend" would ordinarily be mutually exclusive, but since they only mentioned the girlfriend thing so we'd stop thinking he was hitting on Claire, I'll let it go. Claire admits that she sometimes like to make her own fun. "I go online and make up freaky cyber identities," she says. "Sometimes I'm a Scientologist, sometimes I'm a young Christian wife." Of course! Now it all makes sense! Lauren Ambrose is Pontoon! Hi, Lauren! For a final question, George asks if she's dating anyone. "You mean like getting drunk and screwing?" she replies. See? This is why she should marry me. I could come up with a much better date than that. Although it is sorta hard to top a classic. Claire lies and says she's not seeing anyone.
Alan Ball: Man, I wish he'd lay off that "marry me, Lauren" crap. That joke is so dead not even Rico could restore it.
David Chase: Hey, at least he never made you quote TV shows. I wouldn't mind showing him what really happens when people stop acting nice and start getting real.
Alan Ball: Yeah, I know. But there's just these two episodes left and then he's gone, so it's okay.
David Chase: Yeah, but those two recaps will probably be fifty pages each. Honestly, who needs that much detail? I'm the frigging executive producer, and not even I care that much.
Alan Ball: Yeah, well maybe if you did, you wouldn't have to take two years off between each season.
David Chase: Hey! I'm the alpha-owl around here, and don't you forget it.
Speaking of people who aren't being seen at the moment, Keith is lounging in a police station parking lot somewhere. His boss comes over and assigns him to work security at the DGDJ's funeral that weekend. Keith gets upset and complains that he's only drawing the assignment because he's gay himself. I get upset and complain that he's only drawing the assignment because the writers are going to need him there in about thirty pages. The boss is unmoved by our heartfelt pleas, and orders Keith to show up anyway.
Back in the Body Shoppe, David goes to work on the corpse. Seated on a nearby table, a badly bruised manifestation of the DGDJ ruminates on the fact that he looks like "something Chef Boyardee makes." I'm betting that was not a product placement. David asks him why he never came out to his parents, and the DGDJ launches into a long diatribe about how homosexuality is a sin and how people like him and David don't deserve to lead normal, happy lives. David actually shows traces of a spine when he stands up for himself and replies that God made him gay, so he doesn't think God would have a problem with it. Darth Gayder continues to try and lure David to the Dark Side, explaining that homosexuality is a test God gave them to overcome, and they've failed. Anything else is just "liberal propaganda to justify your own depravity." Unable to listen any longer, David jumps up from the table and cowers in the back corner of the Body Shoppe. Fortunately, Foreshadowing is back there with him to keep him company.
Upstairs, Nate is studying for the funeral director's exam. He takes a quick break to call Brenda, but gets her answering machine. "Don't just lie there saying 'fuck you,'" he says, but to no avail. She doesn't pick up. He barely hangs up before the phone rings again, only this time it's a customer who wants him to come pick up a body. Nate is surprised that the pick-up is at a residence instead of a retirement home or a hospital, and is probably the only person in the entire world who didn't realize that he was being set up by Billy.
At Nikolai's "It's A Metaphor For Her Character. Do You Get It? Are You Sure?" Flower Shop, Robbie manages to casually whack Ruth in the face with a giant plant. Heh. Ruth composes herself, and tries to ask him a personal question. "How did you tell your parents you were…" "Into flowers?" he finishes. "Gay," replies Ruth. Robbie feigns offense, snitting that "just because [he] has a refined aesthetic, [she thinks she] can make assumptions about [his] private life." I'd make a joke here, but unfortunately the whole "Gustave knows more about interior design than I do" thing pretty much illustrated the kernel of truth behind that particular stereotype, so I'll pass. Robbie points out that he never asks about her and Nikolai, even though it's affecting his job, and Ruth confesses that she thinks her son is gay. Robbie laughs, and tells her to "save it for Geraldo," before suggesting that he would tell her about coming out only if she reveals "the most horrible moment from [her] intimate past." Ruth apologizes, and jams another one of those giant flowers she's so fond of into an arrangement. Gee, I think we're supposed to get that she's "blossoming" as a character here, but I'm not sure. Robbie gets the last laugh, though, smirking and snarking, "That's a shitty place for the lily."
Meanwhile, Nate is making his corpse pick-up in an abandoned building somewhere. With the ominous foreground obstructions and spooky backlighting, I think we're supposed to get that something bad might happen, but I'm not sure. He wheels his gurney into a freight elevator and heads upstairs. On the way up, he notices a photo of Claire on the wall, and finally realizes what the rest of us have known for the last ten minutes. We're all in Billy's world now. Emerging from the elevator, Nate finds a hallway decorated with the hallmark of any good psycho, excessive candle placement. He also notices the famed "Billy grabs Claire's breast" photo hanging on the wall, only this one has been captioned "Your Sister And Me -- 2001." Farther down the hall, there's a shot of Brenda and Nate in flagrante delicto, and beneath the lovingly spot-lit globes of Peter Krause's hairy ass, we see the caption "My Sister And You -- 2001." Nate continues down the gritty, gritty (tm Alex Richmond) hallway, and the "My Sister And Me" sex-pic that we all know better than to expect by now totally fails to appear. Finally, Nate reaches the main room, and finds a candle-lit path that leads him to what appears to be a dead body covered by a bloodstained sheet. The caption here reads, "You Did This To Yourself," and Nate finally gathers the courage to lift away the sheet. As he does, a fake blood-coated Billy jumps right up and yells "Gotcha!" By the way, I totally called that. ["Bullshit. He screamed like a little girl." -- Kenny The Corpse]. Billy is laughing his psychotic little head off, but Nate doesn't seem to think it's very funny. Billy begs him to see the humor in the situation, explaining, "If you mix up the letters in 'funeral' you get 'real fun.' How much do you love that?" A little, I guess, but apparently not enough to put it on the T-shirt. Nate demands that Billy stay away from his sister, and Billy does my job for me by pointing out the irony in all that. Then he pulls out a knife, and starts ranting about some perfect ex-boyfriend of Brenda's named Trevor. "What? Brenda's not allowed to love anyone as much as you?" asks Nate. "Not able," answers Billy. At this point Nate switches tactics and wisely decides to start humoring the crazy, knife-wielding freak who's holding him hostage. Despite his best efforts to maintain a creepy mien, Billy is barely able to conceal his glee at hearing that Brenda asked Nate to return his key as well. "It's probably for the best," he says, and that's a sentiment with which Nate (and I) readily agree. "Listen, I gotta go," Nate says, bolting towards the door. "Take care."
Claire sits under a big oak tree outside her school and works on a sketch. Gabe approaches, and collapses into her lap. He's tired from having to act normal all day. Whatever. I'm tired of seeing him touch Lauren like that, but you don't hear me complaining about it. Except in every other sentence, of course. Claire asks him what the stupidest thing anyone said to him all day was, and Gabe replies that "Packy Walker told [him] he had to get his stomach pumped because he ate his dog's de-worming pills." Yep. That's pretty stupid. Then again, with name like "Packy," was anyone really surprised? Suddenly, George Iseeallofthis wanders past, and Claire unsuccessfully tries to hide her face.
Over at Nikolai's "If Only The Masturbation Were Metaphorical As Well" Flower Shop, Ruth is still trying to talk to Robbie. "Do you want to hear the most horrible moment from my intimate past?" she asks. "No, sister, I do not," he replies. Go, Robbie! Sing it, sister! Unfortunately, she tells him anyway. Since the story involves Ed Begley Jr., masturbation, and extensive surgery to repair the damage to my bleeding eardrums, I won't go into details. Suffice it to say that Robbie is captivated by the notion of Ruth learning to "gild the lily." After laughing a bit, and tenderly grasping her hand in support, Robbie says that he's still not going to tell her about coming out to his parents. "Why not?" asks Ruth. "Because I never did," replies Robbie. He explains that his mom was so wrapped up in raising her kids, that it would have made her life "a failure" if one of them had turned out differently from her plans. "I'm not like that," insists Ruth.
With Brenda firmly ensconced in her Window-Ledge Seat Of Coping With Emotional Distress, Nate recaps the whole Psycho-Billy knife incident to her. He asks about Trevor, and Brenda explains that they were madly in love with each other back when she was eighteen. But then Billy got sick, and Trevor went to Yale without her. She also describes Trevor as being "ridiculously gifted" and "one of those people everyone hates because they're good at everything and always get what they want." I keep telling myself that's why everybody hates me, but I never seem to really believe it. Nate reminds Brenda that she's "ridiculously gifted" too, which is actually a good reminder for everyone, since we haven't even once seen her do anything approaching genius this season. He also wants to call her parents and get Billy committed, with or without Brenda's support. Unfortunately, Ma & Pa Chenowith are in South Africa, and no one knows how to contact them. Uh oh. Gee, I sure hope they didn't fall for one of those "Nigerian diamond reserves" scam emails. Nate tries to console Brenda, and it turns into more of the same old "I love you, why are you pushing me away?" stuff we've all seen a hundred times before.
Cut to David, driving past the parking lot where the DGDJ was killed. There's a memorial in progress, and as we drop into slow-motion, we see Keith's new boyfriend Eddie holding a candle and staring back at David. Fade to white.
In his office, George Letsgetonwithit is asking Claire about her relationship with Gabe. She feels that since she's as much of a positive influence on him as he is a negative influence on her, it all balances out. She also thinks of Gabe as an "extreme" version of herself (although for my money, the real "extreme" version of Lauren Ambrose is Juliette Lewis), and feels that she can "understand" him because she too has had to cope with the "shadow of death. And silence." George Secretsareforawuss pries even deeper, asking specifically about the "silence." Claire says that "everyone is so scared that they're going to say the wrong thing" that they become invisible. Not me. Marry me, Lauren. See? Anyway, she continues by adding that, "even though [she talks] shit all the time," it's just "another way to not say…whatever." George Imallcoolwiththis puts his pen down, and reminds Claire that he's only there for her, and not for her parents or the school. He asks her again what she's not saying, and Claire finally confesses Gabe's suicide attempt. She's all worried about not knowing what to do for him, even though she claims to have consulted a number of websites on the subject. Obviously, Mighty Big TV wasn't one of them, because I've got more than a few suggestions on this matter that she doesn't seem to be following. George Howprofoundisthis tells her the best thing she can do is just "not be invisible." Claire replies, "This isn't about me," and George finally springs his trap shut by answering, "That's not a very good start, is it?"
Down in the Body Shoppe, David is straightening the DGDJ's tie, while Darth Gayder continues to torment him. "At least my tie can be straight," he says, before digging even deeper into David's inner demons. Fresh from his drive past the memorial service, David tries to convince Darth that there are people and a community who love him. "But not as many as hate me. And you," replies Darth. Just then Federico and Foreshadowing enter together, apparently applauding Darth Gayder's proclamation. But it turns out that it's just Rico (the applause foreshadowing doesn't come into play until the episode), and he's actually only applauding David's restoration job. "This is your best work yet, David," he tells him, before also casually mentioning that there are "two hundred homos" outside, including one dressed as Jackie Kennedy. Since Rico is too busy shoving his foot deeper and deeper into his mouth to fulfill his own responsibilities, David gets the wacky embalming joke this week. He used Rico's diaper rash cream to remove the abrasions on Darth Gayder's cheeks. Eventually, however, he loses his patience and calmly comes out of the closet. "You know, Rico, I'm a homo," he says. "I may not dress like Jackie Kennedy, but I have sex with men." Rico pauses to absorb this news, and then tentatively tells David not to talk about that sort of thing with him. "Where I come from," he says, "if men need to do that sometimes, they don't talk about it." Where is Rico from, exactly -- Oz? Anyway, everyone is all shocked that cute little Rico could be a homophobe, but in hindsight, it makes total sense. After all, we're in Alan Ball World. Why bother building up a character all season if you're not going to tear him down eventually? Especially since the exact opposite happens with Tracy The Annoying Funeral Stalker in the episode.
Anyway, we now cut to Claire and Gabe, hanging out once again in the back of the toe-slutmobile. That, coupled with the ending of the last scene, gives me the perfect opportunity to throw out a quick "this little piggy squealed all the way home"-Deliverance joke. It's a bit obtuse, I know, but it works. Claire is busy helping Gabe with his geometry homework, proving once again that smart is sexy. Gabe, however, disagrees, and tactlessly wonders, "When did you become such a trig-bitch?" Oh, Gabe, Gabe, Gabe…you don't even know what you're missing. Claire can calculate my hypotenuse any time. There's some flirting, and after a brief argument over Claire's "grasp" of the material, they kiss. Claire immediately pulls away and starts crying, and really, who can blame her? She says that she's scared, but Gabe admits to being scared too, so it's okay. She's frightened that he's going to disappear someday, and, might I add, she's got good reason. Gabe is scared that she's too good for him, and you are SO right about that, my friend. Anyway, Claire doesn't think so, and she goes right back to the kissing.
David Chase: You know, somebody should really be recapping this guy. I didn't even think it was possible to use the words "anyway" or "incidentally" that many times in a single recap.
Alan Ball: Oh, I know! Besides, "calculate my hypotenuse"? What does that even mean?
Aaron: Uh, guys? You do know I can hear everything you say, right?
Alan Ball: Oh, what? You can dish out a little recap, but you can't take it?
David Chase: Yeah, it's not so funny anymore, is it, Funny Boy? I got your "Television Without Pity" right here.
Aaron: Don't you guys have anything better to do?
Alan Ball: Quite frankly, yes.
David Chase: Nope. Not me. I've got all the time in the world.
Formaldehyde Fortress. Nate and Ruth are cooking together, while Nate whines about Brenda. Ruth psychoanalyzes him a bit, then turns the conversation around so it's all about her again. She demands to know if David told Nate whether or not he's gay, and Nate desperately tries not to answer. "I think that's a question for him," he says, but that's not enough to dissuade Ruth. She wants to know if she should ask David about it or not, because he seems "very tense," and it's "not good for a person to sulk around like that." She gets so upset, in fact, that Nate has to tell her to breathe. "I know how to breathe!" she yells, but Frances Conroy spoils the joke by clutching her chest rather than the, uh, other area that was recommended last week.
At the Brotherfucking Boudoir, Brenda is watching an old black-and-white movie on TV. I'm told the film is called Bunny Lake Is Missing (thanks, Roger), and while I haven't seen it myself, the scene she's watching is supposedly fraught with all sorts of subtextual connections to her current situation. Suddenly, she hears glass breaking out in the front room, and gets up to investigate. She's not at all surprised to find Billy there, seated calmly on her living room floor. Billy, in full-on Creepy Jesus mode, explains that he's figured out a solution to all their problems. Then he stands up and reveals that he's once again covered in fake blood. Only this time, it turns out to be fake real blood, as he reveals that he's somewhat-less-than-surgically removed his own "Isabel" tattoo. Ew. He rants a bit more before delivering the "we all go a little mad sometimes" money-shot and saying, "Now we just need to get yours." Brenda backs away, and tries to convince Billy to hand over the knife so she can remove it herself. "I really need to do it," Billy replies, and promptly knocks her to the ground. There's some struggling, and some not-at-all-romantic bodice ripping, and then Brenda finally manages to dislodge Billy with an elbow that sends him flying across the room and crashing into a wall. Apparently, being a misunderstood genius also grants a person extreme upper-arm strength as well. Anyway, with Billy now unconscious, Brenda grabs the phone and starts dialing. I supposed it's worth mentioning as a character note that she calls for an ambulance, but not the police. Fade to white.
We fade back up on Darth Gayder's funeral, and since I don't think we've been out to this location since the series premiere, it provides a nice bit of symmetry. The boyfriend from the opening scene stares solemnly at the casket, while Nate, David, and Rico stare in disgust at a crowd of anti-gay protesters who are picketing the funeral. Darth Gayder himself looks on from his perch on a nearby tombstone. Afterwards, Nate and David are returning to their car while the protesters yells some not very nice things at the family. David runs up to the picket line and gets in the leader's face about it. "God just killed Marc Foster, and I'm here to celebrate," announces said leader, but that's about all he can say because David punches him right in the gut. Keith The Big Black Convenient Cop, who just so happens to be working this stretch of the police line, quickly pulls David away, but not before Dave yells out, "God just punched you in the stomach, and I'm here to celebrate!" Heh. David breaks free of Keith and runs back to land a solid right hook on the Homophobe's head. "God just got you in the face!" he cackles. Keith finally manages to drag David away from the confrontation for good, and runs back to calm the Homophobe with some gentle words and a forearm shiver to the gut.
Later, David joins Keith in reclining on the hood of a nearby police car. He apologizes for his behavior, but Keith just laughs it off. David then apologizes for all his behavior, including the time they were together, which allows Keith to indulge his smugness streak by mommying David and announcing how much he worries about him. Despite all the progress he's made, David still can't help but feel that maybe the protesters are right, and that there really is something wrong with him. Keith isn't buying it, however, and reminds David that he's still entitled to all the things he wants from this world, up to and including having a family and a baby. Somehow, the conversation drifts to The Late Nate, and David expresses dismay that Dad never said anything about him being gay, even though he knew. "Did you [say anything]?" asks Keith.
And now for the scene that can be interpreted either as the greatest moment in the history of television, or as yet another example of the SFU staff mocking the lack of Lauren in my life. Yep, that's right. The shower scene. Gabe and Claire are in there together, presumably cleaning off after having done something very naughty. Gabe, for some reason, is rapping. "My girl Claire, she likes it clean. She's got orange hair, smells like…tangerines." Wow. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss Mike Boogie. It gets even worse when he re-writes that last line to be, "She's got orange hair, smells like Benzedrine." Claire wisely shushes him at this point, adding that if her mom catches them, she'll "fry [his] balls for breakfast." Yeah. She's not the only one, either. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go watch this scene on mute a few more times.
David Chase: Shower scene, huh? Nice…
Alan Ball: Yet notice the tastefulness. I even skipped the male nudity for this one.
Aaron: Yes, and your public is greatly appreciative.
Alan Ball: Besides, Lauren is a class act. I mean, you won't be seeing MY girl on the cover of Maxim, never mind doing voice-over work for a belly button.
David Chase: Hey! Jamie-Lynn is a very talented young lady.
Alan Ball: Yeah. If by "talented" you mean "naked and off-key."
David Chase: Either way, I smell spin-off. Do you think Claire could get into Columbia? We could do like a Sex & The City: The Generation kind of thing.
Aaron: I can't believe I'm saying this, but even though $pelling $tuff with "$" is $toopid, I'd rather watch Arli$$ than that.
Okay. Whew. After a quick cold shower of my own, I'm back. Billy is in the hospital, lying on his stomach with a huge bandage on his back. I know it doesn't sound like it from my description, but heh. Out in the hallway, a doctor gives Brenda the bad news about her brother. The doctor, by the way, is played by Alan Ball himself, which makes me wonder about the editorial decision they've made here to present these scenes in silence. We see lips moving, but we can't hear what anyone is saying. I suppose it's possible that it's some sort of metaphor for the death and silence Claire talked about earlier, but it's probably more likely that Alan is just a lousy actor and they wanted to cover up his audio. Anyway, we see Brenda slowly thumbing through some long legal document, and eventually she signs it. Then Nate shows up, and Brenda explains that, at long last, she's had Billy committed. Since I just mocked them a bit, and I'm not sure if I'll get a chance to rectify that in the episode, I want to say now that the editing staff for this show has done great work all season, even in cases where they haven't had a lot to work with. Everyone should watch the end credits some time, and give those guys their due.
Formaldehyde Fortress. David comes home, and also finally comes out. He finds Ruth draped across the sofa with a washcloth on her face, and tells her that he wants to talk. "I'm gay," he announces, and all Ruth wants to know is why he didn't tell her sooner. He gently tries to explain that she hasn't always been the most open and understanding person in her life. "No one talked about anything [in this family]," he says. "We're not like that. Except for Nate, and that's just because he has no other way to distinguish himself." Is that a funny joke, or just more meta-mockery of the way Nate's character is written? You be the judge. David also feels like she's accepting his gayness because she has to, in the same way that they all face the dead bodies because they have to. "You’re wrong," she says. "I don't choose which part of you to love like some kind of chicken." Heh. On the other hand, David does have some nice drumsticks. I'm just saying. Ruth laments the loss of the halcyon days of yore, when David was little and she could fix all his problems. He promises to take good care of himself, and they reach out and touch fingers across the wide expanse of sofa that divides them. I missed what happened because I was busy digging a chunk of symbolism out of my eye, but Ruth then ends the scene by standing up and announcing that they'll be having veal for dinner.
Up in David's Lusty Loft Of Internet Encounters, Darth Gayder continues to haunt our poor protagonist. "I could have come out to every mother in the world," he says. "And I'd still be dead." This prompts David to sit up in bed and reach for the phone. Presumably, he's planning to call Keith, because Darth interjects with, "Oh, what? You're going to interrupt him and his matching love stud?" David throws down the phone, but Darth continues, "Both of them will be in hell with us, by the way. But something tells me they’re going to have a lot more fun." David begs him to stop, and falls to his knees beside the bed. He prays for God to ease his pain, and as he kneels there in the corner, head bowed in supplication, we fade to white.
David Chase: Not bad. Not bad at all. You've come a long way, baby.
Alan Ball: Aww, thanks. But it was really just a lucky strike.
Aaron: Excuse me. [Flick] Ahhhh…
Alan Ball: Ooh, that reminds me. Has anyone seen my bong?
So anyway, that's it for episode twelve, folks. Incidentally, you can click here to go to the finale. Come on. You know you weren't going to be getting anything done at work today anyway.