Aaron: I'm ba-aack!
Alan Ball: Woo. Hoo.
Aaron: Dude. Try and curb your enthusiasm a little, why doncha?
Alan Ball: Whatever. So, where were you anyway? Off getting some sex in the city?
Aaron: Heh. No. Let's just say I'll be singing soprano for a while.
Alan Ball: Yeah, enough with the puns, okay? We've been real sports about it so far, but it's gotta stop.
Aaron: Aww. And we were getting along so well.
Alan Ball: No, we weren't.
Aaron: Oh, come on! We few? We happy few? We band of brothers?
Alan Ball: All right, I swear, one more of those and they're gonna need to do an autopsy just to FIND MY FIST!
Aaron: You know you love me.
Alan Ball: Dream on, loser.
Aaron: Are you flirting with me?
Alan Ball: Believe me, you are dead last on the list of people I'd be flirting with.
Aaron: Uh, you do know that one's on the WB, right?
Alan Ball: Yeah, I know, but Gerald Levin pays me a hundred bucks every time I mention an AOL Time Warner product. By the way, you've got mail. It's from my lawyers.
Okay, first off, Gustave is my hero. And I don't mean the kind of hero that dresses up in a cape and tights and prances about the city, even though I am given to understand that he enjoys that sort of thing. Personally, I'd likely have been driven deaf, dumb, and blind by the sight of a Begley buttock, never mind the fact that I was really mean to all my high school math teachers. Math is hard. But anyway, it's good to be back. So good, in fact, that I actually watched the opening credits this week in all their eternal, everlasting entirety. Fresh off their third-round knockout of the Road Rules opening credit sequence, they look pretty good. We're gonna go after those crappy new X-Files credits .
And then, as if to spite me for all the crap I've given them about fussing with the focus, this week fades up from white into a sweet shot of the passing streets behind a bubbling bottle of champagne. We're in a limo with three very inebriated women, all of whom are giggling maniacally and bitching about the ex-husband of this evening's destined Dead Girl Du Jour. Also, it looks like I'm not the only one making a comeback this week, as my old buddy the Ironic Musical Detachment Fairy has returned as well, and in a big, bad, ironically detached sort of way. You knew it was only a matter of time before Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" hit the soundtrack, and here it is. I mean, what's ? Bon Jovi's "Wanted: Dead or Alive?" Or perhaps it'll be Friar Prissy shuffling off this mortal coil to the tune of "Living on a Prayer." I'll say one thing, though -- Brenda definitely gives love a bad name. Anyway, La Femme Morte de la Semaine giggles some more, bitches some more, spills champagne on her shirt, and asks the driver to take them to some dance club. Then she does that thing that people in limos always do, which is stand up with their heads outside the sunroof. Never one to pass on a chance to slam Best Pictures past, Alan Ball inserts some de rigueur irony by having the DGDJ scream, "I'm king of the world!" as she spreads her arms and enjoys the cool evening breeze. Then she smacks face-first into one of those construction bucket thingies the phone company uses, and we're treated to an especially sickening thump on the soundtrack as blood splatters across the faces of her friends. The Ironically White Title Card of Death introduces us to "Chloe Anne Bryant Yorkin," and I wonder why everyone in Alan Ball World seemingly has to have at least four names. And now, just because I've said that, week's DGDJ will probably be The Artist Formerly Known As Prince or something, and won't even have one real name.
The Jaunty Music of Impending Jaunty Wackiness plays over shots of a deserted Formaldehyde Fortress. Finally we move outside, to find a topless Nate "Ever Wonder What A Hairshirt Was? Well, Now You Know" Fisher, reclining in a lawn chair. In blatant defiance of UN environmental regulations and the recent Kyoto accords, there's a team of Brazilian ranchers clear-cutting the chest hair near his left nipple in order to provide more grazing land for their cattle. David emerges from the house, dressed as usual in a dark suit, and proceeds to harangue his brother about not studying for the funeral director's exam. Pan down to the funeral director's exam study guide, which Nate has draped across his lap. David sits down beside him, and there's some expository dialogue about how slow business has been lately. In what I believe may be the show's first direct reference to its LA setting, David mentions that their longest drought was for nine days during the '84 Olympics. Which is a shame, because I actually wouldn't mind seeing Mary Lou Retton as La Femme Morte de la Semaine. She probably could have done, like, a triple back-flip over that construction equipment, though. Anyway, David imitates The Late Nate imitating Walter Brennan, and it makes The Live Nate sad that David knows a whole side of their Dad that he doesn't. Grabbing the study guide from his brother, David proceeds to quiz Nate, and Hair Boy gets all the answers wrong. Finally, he's saved by the bell as his cell phone rings. It's Brenda, and they quickly gloss over last week's big fight. It's worth noting that Brenda is in her PJs (although if there's anyone I would have thought sleeps in the nude, it's her), and she's sneaking around the house as if there was someone there who she didn't want to overhear this conversation. She lies about her brother a bit, and promises to see Nate soon. As he hangs up and returns to his chair, he tells David, "You think we're weird being undertaker's kids? Just be glad our parents weren't shrinks." David goes back to the quiz, but Nate keeps ranting: "I'm so sick of this bizarre behavior that I'm supposed to figure out, and then she seems pissed off when I can't. It's fucking neurotic." I don't know what he's complaining about. That's like every relationship I've ever had. Dating is hard. But anyway, David continues with the quiz, and Nate actually gets one right. "It's not exactly the California bar," he tells David, although anyone who's ever watched Court TV knows that any idiot with a heartbeat and a pencil can pass the California bar. As The Jaunty Music Of Wacky Hairy Hijinks cranks back up, David asks one final question, and Foreshadowing stops by to bonk Nate over the head so he forgets the answer.
Cut to a faceless Femme Morte, lying on a prep table somewhere. It's unnecessarily disgusting, but it's also a pretty good make-up job, so I'll let it slide. Rico runs down exactly what he'll need to complete the restoration, and we pull back to reveal that he's in a busy Kroehner funeral home, being observed by Matt "No Whammies" Gilardi. After some banter, Rico consents to do it as "a one-time freelance job" for $1,500. Oddly enough, that's exactly how I got started here with that Bible Extra. Gilardi quickly agrees to Rico's price, saying, "For someone of your talent, that's a bargain." You hear that, Sars? ["No." -- Sars] Rico remains indignant, however, imperiously telling Gilardi to "stop blowing smoke up [his] ass." Gilardi agrees to do that as well, adopting a harsh tone to tell him, "Have her done by five, and she better look flawless."
Somewhere west of Burkittsville, Maryland, Claire is hiking up a mountain with her Sierra Crossroads group. Some American-as-apple-pie-looking blond kid walks beside her and listens as she quotes Carlos Castaneda to him. His response: "Yeah, well, Carlos Castaneda can blow me." I'll say. Captain America (whom I desperately want to call "An American Boy" but won't, out of respect for Gustave) thanks Claire for getting him high that morning. Then the group leader, best known (to me at least) as the wrestling guy from Grosse Pointe Blank, yells at them to keep up with the rest of the group. "Ja wohl, mein commandant!" replies Captain America (who, in what I can only assume is a shout-out to Traffic, has been saddled the improbable single name of "Topher").
Back at the Fortress, David is vacuuming the funeral room. Much like the anvil of sartorial symbolism represented by Nate's sudden return to scraggliness, David has ditched his coat and tie in anticipation of the loosening up he'll be doing later in the episode. Nate rushes in to tell his brother about the great idea he just had, which basically consists of renting out the slumber room to drunks and elderly dancers. David vetoes the idea of holding AA meetings in the house, but likes the senior citizen dance instruction, because they'll get the business when the fogies bite the big one. Personally, I'm just happy Peter Krause has put on a shirt, albeit a ratty green one. Suddenly the door opens behind them, and they turn to catch Federico attempting to sneak inside. When he spots them, he stops short and stares at their curious attire. "Is this a new company policy? Casual Fridays?" he asks. Don't tell my boss this, but I'm writing this recap at my desk on a casual Friday right now. Later on, I plan to steal a stapler for my new home office. I'm such a rebel. Anyway, Rico asks for the day off so he can go with his pregnant wife to get an ultrasound. My pronouns were a little unclear in that last sentence, but I bet you can figure out what I meant. Nate gives him permission to go, and Rico runs downstairs to the prep room, claiming he forgot his wallet and jacket there the night before. Alone again (naturally), the boys bicker about why David is always forced to be the bad cop. "Because you're so good at it," is Nate's explanation, and I, for one, am forced to agree.
Down in the Body Shop, Rico loads a duffel bag with the equipment he'll need to do the restoration. Suddenly Nate comes down behind him, causing Rico to jump about three feet into the air. They chat uncomfortably for a minute about the upcoming ultrasound and David's fetish for cleanliness, and then The Exposition Fairy rings my doorbell to make sure that I get that Nate is suspicious of Federico. Fortunately, my TiVo lets me pause live TV, and I return from the door just in time to catch this gem from Nate: "When [David and I] used to play GI Joes, [David] always wanted to give his a shower." Freddy Rodriguez's expression in response to that little tidbit is just priceless. This guy better not be leaving the show. He does, however, leave the Fortress, and Nate turns to stare at the cabinets, noticing that Rico has taken some equipment.
Back on the mountain, the group leader is sermonizing to his students. "Now begins the vision quest part of our journey," he tells them, and Claire snarks that it's actually their opportunity to "starve and sweat [themselves] into a hallucinogenic state of ecstasy." Uh, wouldn't a Vision Quest actually be an opportunity to starve and sweat Matthew Modine into a hallucinogenic state of ecstasy? Possibly with a naked Linda Fiorentino? Just asking. Then again, when is Linda Fiorentino not naked? ["Dogma." -- Sars] The Leader Of The (Dork) Pack explains that the kids will be deciding which direction they take from now on, and he hopes that they've all mastered their map and compass skills. He selects a girl named Parker to lead the way, and it wasn't until halfway through the episode that I realized she was one of the girls who gave Claire her life story in last week's episode. Parker picks the correct direction, and Claire snots that's she's such a "fucking Girl Scout." This makes me laugh because it reminds me of gay Bunky's hilarious Girl-Scout joke on last night's Big Brother. Note to Jessica: I'm laughing with you, not at you. As they start hiking again, Claire wonders whether Julia Roberts or Sandra Bullock will be playing Parker in the movie about her life. What, no Linda Fiorentino? I mean, the woman's practically made an entire career out of playing the danger slut. Anyway, Captain America goes all pop culture professor on us by claiming, "she'd never rate that high. She'd get one of those Buffy or Dawson's Creek chicks, tops." Of course, given both Katie Holmes and Sarah Michelle Gellar's absolutely abysmal record of picking scripts, that's actually not that farfetched a scenario. Your homework assignment for this week: Casting your favorite MBTV recappers in summer's Mighty Big blockbuster extravaganza: Invasion of the Fishcakes II: This Time They're Scrod! Tastic!. Just so you know, anyone who suggests James Van Der Beek for me gets booted from the forums.
Rounding out our plotlines for the week, we now join Ruth and Nikolai The Flower Guy as they eat lunch outside his store. Nikolai rambles on and on about his lunch and his neighborhood and how great and passionate the Russian people are. Ruth snarks that he should go back if he liked it so much. I yawn and get up to stretch my legs. Nikolai also mentions that he was an engineer back in the mother country, causing Ruth to look at him in a new light for a few seconds. Suddenly, the St. Elsewhore appears, surprising everyone. Oy. Somebody really needs to put a bell on Begley so can't sneak up on me like that. At least he's wearing pants this time. Anyway, he offers Ruth some of his Jamaican jerk chicken (and trust me, I'm not even gonna go there), and she gets up to kiss him hello. Nikolai doesn't take this very well, as he orders an end to lunch and heads back into the store. Left alone with Electro-Glide, Ruth chooses not to do what any sane person would in that situation (i.e. run away screaming as fast as they possibly could), and instead promises him that she can handle her boss with no problems.
Since it's been at least seven seconds since their last surreal shot, we now cut to a beautifully executed tracking shot that follows David down the Fortress steps and into a slumber room filled with square-dancing old people. This week's episode was directed by longtime Sopranos helmsman Allen Coulter, and with the exception of an over-reliance on the Bong Cam a little later on, he does a phenomenal job. Note to Alan Ball: Stop letting celebrities direct, and stick with the professionals. We can taste the difference. David watches the dancing for moment, but then he notices the hunky instructor smiling at him. Michael C. Hall smiles back, and even I think David looks cute in this scene.
Down in the Body (Hair) Shop, Nate is on the phone to Vanessa. Using the vast repertoire of sneaky tricks he probably learned from Brenda, he asks how her ultrasound went. Vanessa does an awful job of lying to cover for Rico, and quickly makes an excuse to hang up. Knowing she's busted, Vanessa takes this opportunity to swear loudly in front of her infant child, who gleefully repeats the word "shit" as soon as it comes out her mouth. "Don't say that," she tells him. "That's a grown-up word." You're fucking right it is.
Back upstairs, David is still staring at his Hoedown Ho (tm Hermetic). HDH is teaching the class a new dance move, and so of course he volunteers David to be his partner. "This won't hurt a bit," he says as he pulls David into the center of the floor. HDH demonstrates the move, making sure to refer to David as "she," and then he restarts the music and they promenade around the room. David looks scared out of his mind, and then the old guy in front of him turns around and suggests that he kiss the HDH. David does just that, and the camera swoops around the room as they mack, and the fogies applaud, and then the David E. Kelley moment comes to a sudden halt as simple square-dancing continues.
Over at Kroehner, Rico is hard at work on La Femme Morte, who now has most of her head reconstructed. She kind of looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator when he gets all the skin blown off his face. Only, you know, she's not made of metal. And even though she's dead, she's still a better actor than he is. Some random funeral tech is eating lunch in the background, and she stops to comment on Rico's work. He explains that he learned the trade at Fisher & Sons, to which she replies that "Kroehner is going to bury them." Federico isn't happy to hear that, and so he mentions that someone burned down the funeral home Kroehner was planning to build across the street. "Somebody?" she asks. "You never heard of Jewish lightning?" When Rico looks shocked, she explains, "Oh, sorry. Did I offend you? I'm Jewish. I can say that." Okay, heh, but judging from his picture on the HBO site, I somehow doubt that Larry Andries, who wrote this week's episode, is Jewish himself. If he were, he'd know there's no such thing as a red-headed Jew, and would have insisted on different casting for this actress. Of course, Larry also drops this little tidbit in his interview with HBO: "And, by the way, the people online should know that we do read these sites. We're out there. We are aware of what you think and feel. We know all your suggestions. We know when you are confused by it. And we listen to all your ideas about where we're going to go with this thing. We know." First off, hi Larry. What's up? Second of all, now that we know you know, I'm sorry I ripped on you guys a few episodes back. You've gotten a lot better since then. Plus, it's my job. And third, can I suggest we try a little female nudity time? I miss the Bada Bing girls. Anyway, the world's only sa'ar aduma Yehudia completes her expository duties by reporting that destroying Fisher & Sons is "like Matt Gilardi's personal vendetta. Fisher is history." Rico looks grave.
Back at the fortress, David is fondling the Hoedown Ho's microphone. Heh. They chat as the seniors leave, and HDH introduces himself as Kurt. Nate suddenly appears in the doorway, getting a mischievous gleam in his eye when he notices David and his dancer. "This really was a great idea," says David. "So it seems, Dave," replies Nate, reverting to his really bad HAL 9000 impersonation. Kurt asks if David is free the night, and Nate instantly jumps in to say that he is. They make plans for dinner, and then the HDH departs. David can't believe that his brother "just pimped [him] out to that kid," but Nate is unrepentant. "Oh come on, David," he exclaims. "I watch Will & Grace. I have gaydar." Bwah! David shakes his head at the stupid, stupid heterosexual, and makes him swear never to say "gaydar" again.
Out on the mountain, Captain America is acting like every pothead I've ever known and begging to get high again. Claire is worried that Dennis, the former wrestler turned camp counselor, will catch on now that they've been established as "the antisocial losers." Topher suggests sneaking off after they set up camp, "while the rest of the Bush youth groom each other for lice." Hee! I can totally picture Barbara and Jenna doing just that, with a bottle of vodka in one hand and a magnifying glass in the other. Parker joins them at this point, and it's explained that she and Claire aren't exactly friends, but they aren't exactly enemies either. Claire continues to wallow in her snotty snarkiness by asking, "Shouldn't you be leading us?" Parker claims that "the kid with the braces is doing it," before asking Claire if she has any pot. You wouldn't think it'd be possible for my obsessive, John Hinckley-style love for Lauren Ambrose to get any stronger, but somehow the image of her as a pot dealer is working for me. Of course, now the Secret Service is going to be after my ass in addition to Lauren's lawyers, because I just mentioned John Hinckley in the same paragraph as George Bush's family. It's just a joke, guys. Besides, what good would killing Dubya do? Everyone knows Dick Cheney runs the country anyway.
Kroehner's. Gilardi is examining the almost completely restored La Femme Morte de la Semaine. He describes her as being "absolutely beautiful," despite the Frankenstein-style scars crisscrossing her face. And, of course, now it's time for Rico's Weekly Wacky Embalming Ingredients. This time, he's rebuilt her cheekbones using "Elmer's Glue, dental floss, and modeling clay." At least that makes more sense than cat-food cans. Also, "heh" to the double-decker dead-guy gurney behind them. Gilardi goes back to blowing smoke up Rico's ass, and even goes so far as to offer him his own funeral home in San Diego. "What's going to happen to Fisher & Sons?" asks Rico. "What do you care?" responds Gilardi. "Is your name Fisher?" He tells Rico to think the offer over for forty-eight hours, making sure to get in one last dig by suggesting that he discuss it with his wife.
Over at The House That Public Indecency Built, Nate walks up to front door. He finds a pile of broken glass, and notices that the door has been forced open. Wait a sec. I thought glass broke inwards, not outwards? You know what, I'll ask Sobell. She'll know. Looking wary, Nate heads inside. The place is filthy, with beer bottles and fast-food wrappers everywhere. Suddenly, he spots a shadow moving in the back room, and grabs a…well, actually, I have no idea what that is. It's some sort of pointy-headed pointy statue. Man, where's Gustave when you need him? Incidentally, and for no other reason than the fact that it's been discussed in the forums, I'll just point out that I'm not ignoring the finer points of interior design because I don't want people to think I'm gay. It's actually just because I have really bad taste. I honestly thought Noguchi was a kind of sushi. Anyway, just as Nate is about to head back and investigate, a big fat naked guy jumps out in front of him. Naked Guy introduces himself with an Australian accent, and mentions something about his name being Connor Thompson. I'll defer once again to Hermetic, however, and dub him Cockadile Dundee for the remainder of the recap. But I'll refrain from the obvious, "That's not a cock. THIS is a cock"-type jokes, out of respect for those of you who prefer not to vomit right now. CD casually removes the pointy statue from Nate's grip, and explains that Brenda has "given him the John Dory." Whatever that means. Nate remains nonplussed, however, and begs the guy to put some clothes on. "Oh, don't worry," says Cockadile. "I don't fancy blokes. Nice pants, though." CD heads for the kitchen, and while Nate continues quiz him, we're treated to some gratuitous butt-scratching shots. I'll also forgo the obvious "man, this director must be on crack" joke, and just get back to transcribing dialogue. "I'm not rooting her if that's what you think," says CD. "She made it quite clear that wasn't an option. Her heart's got your name on it now." "No, that would be her ass," replies Nate, much to the merriment of all involved.
Nighttime on the mountain. Despite the scarf and stocking cap, Claire decides not to shove a camera up her nose and cry to mommy. Instead, she goes searching for Topher, presumably in the interests of indulging in a bit of the wacky weed. Then we cut back to Brenda's place, where Nate and Cockadile Dundee are seated in the living room. Brenda returns to find them there, and casually tosses CD his laundry, claiming that it "took forever to dry." Let me get this straight. She's got all kinds of fancy floor lamps and pointy statues, but no washing machine? I guess she must have lent it to Contrivance so he could wash whatever outfit Buffy will be wearing when she emerges from the grave this fall. As CD stands up to pull on his pants, he thrusts his ass right in Nate's face. Heh. Nate jumps up and joins Brenda in the kitchen, where he incorrectly calls Connor "Crocodile Dundee" instead of "Cockadile." Bet you're kicking yourself over that one, huh, Larry? Brenda, because she's like that, tells him that "this is really unattractive behavior." Just for the record, Nate is so very right to be upset here, and Brenda is so very, very wrong. For any number of reasons. They argue some more, with Nate wondering where "Nature Boy" sleeps. Brenda indicates a crumpled-up sleeping bag in the corner, and that seems to calm Nate down a bit. She explains that CD is an old friend "from a life," and that he hasn't been to L.A. in ten years. Then she invites Nate to dinner the night; CD is cooking "some Australian thing," and Billy is coming over. Nate gets angry again at this, screaming that she told him Billy was staying with her, and that she's been lying and partying while he worried for six days. "All right," says Brenda quietly. "I fucked up, okay?" It wasn't until I flipped on the closed captioning that I discovered she said "fucked up," and not "fucked him," which lends an entirely different meaning to the scene. She finally manages to talk Nate down off the ledge, and then she leans in, digs her way through the stubble, and plants a kiss on him.
Meanwhile, Claire is still searching for Captain America. Instead, she finds Parker and Dennis The Evil Counselor doing the wooded nasty in a sleeping bag. She apologizes profusely, and backs away before tripping over a root and hitting the ground. Heh. Lauren Ambrose even falls cute. Parker explains to Dennis that no one will believe her if she tells on them, because everyone thinks Claire is crazy. Then the Ironic Segue Fairy cuts us to a Discovery Channel special on "the sexual habits of the koala." As the announcer explains that "the male koala's penis is forked like a snake's tongue," we see David eating yogurt and watching with porn-like fascination. Nate enters behind him, asking, "Whatcha watching?" in a suggestive tone of voice. "PBS. Very funny," is David's sardonic reply. Nate pulls up a chair beside him, and explains everything about Federico lying about the ultrasound and stealing materials from the Body Shop. David immediately knows to blame Kroehner, and suggests that he'll call around to find out what's going on. "Why didn't you tell me about this earlier?" he asks. Nate claims to have been distracted by David and "Square Dance Boy," and also reports that he doesn't mind if Rico does a little moonlighting. David isn't having it, though. "When he takes a job for Gilardi while he's still on the clock with us, that's treason." An amused Nate warns his brother to "stop acting like a drama queen," and David rightly snaps back, "Stop acting like you're honorary mayor of West Hollywood all of a sudden." The brothers consider Rico's betrayal as we fade to white.
Morning on the mountain. Parker approaches Claire, who apologizes for walking in on them last night. I'm not sure why. I mean, as Gustave explained last week, they were probably just engaged in a frantic search for a contact lens or something. Parker takes the apology well, even going so far as to suggest that "maybe it'll break the ice" between them. Claire looks confused, and in a perfectly composed shot, she and Parker chat in the foreground while Dennis watches in the background between them. You'll note that my buddy Allen Coulter keeps all three of them in focus the entire time. Parker confesses that she thinks Claire is "funny and cool" and wants to be her friend. The lovely Lauren Ambrose laughs at this, but agrees to give it a shot before starting the day's hike.
At the Body Shop, Rico returns to find Nate and David waiting for him. David reports that "some of [Rico's] more ardent fans in prep rooms around L.A. are calling this one [his] Sistine Chapel." Okay, eww. It frightens me that there's a mortician's grapevine for this sort of thing. Rico explains that he only did it for the challenge. "You gotta understand…her head was like a watermelon that somebody hit with a sledgehammer. A case like that doesn't come along every day." Personally, I find his exuberance here to be kinda cute, but David is all business. "What did he offer you to leave?" he asks. "What are you offering me to stay?" responds Rico. Ooh. Tension. I love it. This is just like when Steinbrenner threatened Giuliani with the prospect of moving the Yankees to New Jersey if he didn't get a new stadium deal. Although, come to think of it, baseball probably is the only sport in the world that could actually be improved by moving it to New Jersey. Sorry, Sars. I kid because I love. In fact, you all should know that I've always considered Sars to be the coolly professional Tiger Woods to my endearingly immature Sergio Garcia (and non-sports fans can just think of me as the Horus to her Isis). She's hitting three-hundred yard drives to the center of the fairway each week, and I'm out here gallivanting recklessly about the course (or in this case, corpse), dangling my modifiers and rakishly leaving the punctuation outside the quotation marks. You should just call me the Subjunctive Casey Martin. Oy. I know. That was bad. I was going for a home-run name joke, and I ended up Bunting. Wow. I'm just like a big ol' Barnacle of Affection today, ain't I? Oh, what's that you say, Sars? Get out? Now? Ja wohl, meine fuhrerin!
It's okay. I can say that because I'm Jewish. ["Oy." -- Sars]
Anyway, back to the scene. Rico wants to be made a partner in order to stay, but, as David explains, "that would require a significant financial investment on [his] part." When Rico looks blank, David has to explain further. "That's what partners are." Nate jumps in at this point, and gets Rico to agree not to do anything until the brothers have a chance to counter-offer. Once Rico departs, Nate starts trying to brainstorm profit-sharing ideas, but David is (pardon the pun) fatalistic. "He's finally figured out he's worth more than we can pay him. We're fucked."
Cut to the mountain, where Dennis is pontificating about their plans for the day. Claire asks Parker why she would sleep with him, and Parker says she just did it to see if she could. Dennis chooses Claire to be the day's leader, but she doesn't want the responsibility. They go back and forth, with Claire refusing to take charge, and then finally she gives in and points in a random direction, saying, "I think we should go that way." Dennis condescendingly suggests that someone else might want to check her map-reading skills, but Parker decides to stand up for her new best friend. "Hey, Claire paid her $1,200 too," she says. "Doesn't she get a turn?" Dennis tries to be nice and get everyone to decide on a direction together, but Parker won't back down, and he reluctantly agrees to let them follow Claire. With any luck, they'll encounter some piles of rock and a few stick-figure twigs in that direction, and we'll never have to see any of them again. Any of them except Lauren, that is.
Yawn. It must be time for Ruth's subplot again. She's at the flower shop, listening to Nikolai babble on about his business practices some more. Somewhere in the middle of his long rant about an Ethiopian restaurant in his neighborhood, Ruth begins fantasizing that she and Ed Begley Jr. are making sweet, sweet love amongst the petunias. I fantasize that they meet the same fate as the bowl of petunias that appears in The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, but that's a different story. Nikolai shakes her back to reality, and she returns to her work.
More Claire Witch Project. Parker asks if she really put the foot in Gabe's locker, and Claire confesses that she did. This prompts Parker to confess that she's also slept with Gabe, and yep, she sucked his toes too. Eww. Dennis appears at this point and orders the two of them to turn around, because he's kicking them off the expedition. There's much arguing and threatened exposure of Dennis's sordid sex habits, but he trumps them all by going straight for the pot in Claire's pack. He pulls out what appears to be about an ounce of marijuana (and I thought this was just a one week trip!), and then goes totally ballistic on them. "This is not a game, you little bitch!" he screams. "You are fucking with people's lives here!" Cut to David in the Body Shop, receiving a call from Dennis. After admitting that he is in fact the adult guardian of one Claire Fisher, David is only mildly surprised to learn that Claire is being kicked out for possession of pot. Back on the mountain, Dennis tries to make nice. Carlos Castaneda gets yet another mention, but Claire refuses to chat, claiming that she barely knows Parker at all. Dennis hopes she isn’t one of those people who would "make a huge stink and ruin [his] life just for the entertainment value of it." Actually, I don't think Parker really is that kind of person, and I'm qualified to make that judgment because it's my job to create a huge stink and ruin this show just for the entertainment value of it. Having fun yet, Larry? Parker emerges from behind a tree to defiantly light a cigarette and confess that she hates pissing outdoors. I'm almost tempted to switch my affections from Lauren to this girl, as those are two of the most important qualities I look for in a potential mate. The scene ends with Claire discovering that her pal Captain America is secretly addicted to Sierra Crossroads as well as to smoking dope. He's been doing it since he was fourteen, and it's what helped him get accepted to Stanford. The hiking, not the pot. "This whole experience just gets more and more irritating," says Claire. Sing it, sister. It's 5:45 on Sunday, and this is one of those times when I wish I had a half-hour show like everyone else this summer. Except, of course, for Jessica, who has to do three hours every week. This time, by the way, I actually am laughing at you.
In a wood-paneled conference room somewhere, Nate is taking the funeral director's exam. I'll again compliment the casting director for coming up with a handful of extras that really look like potential undertakers. Despite the fact that it would be ironically appropriate given the subject matter, Nate decides not to follow in his sister's footsteps and fill in the bubbles with a big skull and crossbones. It's too bad, because he might have gotten a better score if he had.
In a church that is not The Church of the Poison Mind, Vanessa and Rico are admiring his handiwork at La Femme Morte's funeral. She asks if he took Polaroids, and Rico excitedly admits that he borrowed a friend's digital camera. Heh. "She really is your Sistine Chapel," says Vanessa. "Too bad you've got to bury her." The two drunk girls from the opening scene approach the coffin, saying, "She looks beautiful." Vanessa snarks, "You should have seen her yesterday," and Rico quickly leads her away. Vanessa orders him to take Gilardi's offer, claiming that the Fisher's treat him "like a migrant worker." Federico, giddy at the prospect of earning $1,500 a restoration (yeah, right), agrees.
And now for David's date. The Hoedown Ho talks about how his dance-instructor job pays for books and beer while he's in grad school, and then asks David what's up with his "International Male" shirt. David admits that he borrowed it from his sister, to which I give a hearty heh. "It looks good," says HDH. "I bet it looks even better off." Oh, so it's gonna be that kind of date, is it? David is momentarily taken aback, and he tries to change the subject back to square-dancing. HDH explains that he got into it while being raised by his grandparents after his dad kicked him out of the house. Apparently, Dad walked in on him and his high school boyfriend searching for a lost contact lens on the desk in Dad's study, and flipped out. Isn't that pretty much what happened to Jen on Dawson's Creek? Or maybe it was in If These Walls Could Talk. I forget. Anyway, HDH asks how David's parents took the news. "My dad was okay with it," he says. "My mom is still a little uncomfortable." Good answer. They discuss past boyfriends for a moment, and then HDH compliments David by telling him that he's got the longest eyelashes he's ever seen. Hmm. I'm gonna have to try that one sometime. HDH then goes into a huge rant about David being "the older guy," and how he hates the way young gay men treat their elders. Gee, condescend much? Tacked on to the end of this rant is the question he really wants to ask, which is, "Are you a top or a bottom?" I'll cleverly sidestep the fuss in the forums over this particular issue, and just say that's an inappropriate first date question no matter what your sexual orientation. Like I said, dating is hard. David's answer, however, cracks me up: "Uhh, I'm versatile." HDH barely even notices. "Bottom, huh? Wow, this will work out well. You want to get out of here?" David in fact does, and they call for the check.
And now for Nate's Night Out, or, as I like to call it, "Hairy And The Hendersons." We open with a close-up of Brenda's bong, and pan over to her and Cockadile Dundee giggling and reminiscing. Nate watches from the sidelines, looking pissed and passive-aggressive. In the absolute best shot of the night, Creepy Jesus swings his head in from the side of the screen and starts talking to Nate. It's totally surreal and DEK-like, but it's really happening in the context of the scene, and that's why it works. Plus, they have matching stubble. Billy apologizes for ruining their trip, saying, "You must have thought I was a total psycho." Nate guardedly replies, "It crossed my mind." Mine as well. Billy hands him the bong, encouraging Nate to get into the spirit of the evening. As Nate exhales a cloud of smoke (and I always thought Danny was the pothead, not Casey), Billy explains that this is the happiest he's seen Brenda in a long time. Remember that later on, when Brenda makes a similar statement. Nate takes a few more hits, and watches Brenda and CD as they discuss his plans to start a television show where he wrestles household objects, instead of animals like that other Australian guy. Allen Coulter works his freaky fish-eye lenses as Nate stares around the room, seeing CD's sleeping bag all covered with cobwebs. Turning back to face his girlfriend, who has adopted a fake (except not really) Australian accent of her own, he leans in close and yells, "What fucking language are you speaking?" Oh, if I only had a nickel for every time I've been asked that question. Especially since the answer apparently isn't "German." Billy wisely instructs Nate to chill, and The Hairy One returns to his bong.
In the Lean Green Corpse Machine, Claire is driving Parker home. This, of course, makes me wonder where Parker's car might be, or how she got up to the mountain in the first place, but that's a question for another recap. Presumably one that I won't be writing on a Sunday afternoon. Parker describes the car as being both "a total love-nest," and "Graceland on wheels." Claire is still pissed, and wondering how Dennis knew about the pot, but Parker quickly changes the subject by asking, "So, your dad died, huh? What was that like?" Smooth, Parker. Very smooth. They bond, and talk about the weirdness of Claire's funeral-home upbringing, and then Parker confesses that her dad is a big shot at Disney. Gerald Levin fines Alan Ball a hundred bucks for mentioning the competition, but then gives it back when the dad turns out to be an asshole. See how sly Alan is? Their life stories thus exchanged, Claire confesses that she always thought Parker was "like a total overachiever…when in reality [she's] like this compulsive liar, danger slut." And thus the nickname was born. Danger Slut replies that she thought Claire was a "goth, arty freak girl," and then pontificates that "nobody is ever whom they seem to be." Claire amends that to add, "Nobody interesting," and yeah, Mommie Drearest, we're all looking at you.
Formaldehyde Fortress. Ruth and Hiram are watching Jerry Springer, and I have to point out that the repeated usage of Ruth to provide ironic commentary on the tawdry state of today's pop culture is beginning to get a little old. Must we have this same scene every single time she turns on the TV? In a vague nod to continuity, Ruth says that it's her friend Amelia's favorite show. Remember Amelia? The horse track girl? Yeah, I had to look her up too. Anyway, Ed Begley begins going on at length about how he liked Mad Magazine as a kid, and anybody else "who took potshots at sacred cows." You know, just like this show takes potshots at death. Get it? Ruth returns to fantasy mode, envisioning making love to Nikolai The Flower Guy as he wears a full-on Cossack costume. She returns to reality just in time to hear Hiram say, "Irreverence was my drug of choice. Still is, I guess." Well, that's good. Especially since the rest of the cast and crew are clearly all potheads.
Back at Brenda's, Cockadile Dundee has pulled Nate aside for a little man-to-man chat. He, like everyone else, tells Nate how happy he is to see him and Brenda together. "Personally, I couldn't handle her playing Freud all the fucking time," he says. "I don't give a fuck why I am the way I am." Me neither. Nate returns to the living room, where he finds the kids giggling over an old picture of Brenda and CD. It's at this point that I can tell you that Allen Coulter has obviously been watching his Requiem For A Dream DVD director's commentary recently, because Darren Aronofsky describes precisely how to create the "Bong-Cam" effect he's using here. If you're interested, Peter Krause is actually wearing the camera on a harness for all this, which is why he stays centered while the background flows behind him. Anyway, it all quickly becomes too much for Nate, and he snaps. Flying off into a jealous rage, he screams and asks where CD has been sleeping, as his sleeping bag hasn't been moved in days. Peter Krause's facial expressions are hilarious, by the way. When he discovers that CD has been sleeping in the same bed with Brenda, he gets even angrier. She claims that she didn't tell him because she knew he'd be upset (duh!), and Billy tries to help by adding, "Come on, haven't you ever slept with a woman and not had sex with her?" "No!" shouts Nate after long, pot-pregnant pause, and Brenda sends him outside to get some air. I can't do it justice in print, but Nate imitates her saying that as he heads out the door, and then adds that he's leaving for good. As she slams the door behind him, he yells out, "Have fun with your Aussie fuck-mate, fuckers!" Heh.
Cut to a rain-soaked windowpane, on which appears the faint reflection of David and the Hoedown Ho rolling around on the bed. There's also been a lot of discussion in the forums about why they chose not to just show the gay sex straight up, and while I'm sure Gerald Levin wasn't too upset about avoiding the potential controversy that would have entailed, I honestly think they were just going for a cool shot here. Especially since David and HDH pop right up into the frame (from an angle that would have made their reflection in the window impossible) at the very last second. "Damn, you are versatile," says the HDH, and we fade to white.
At the Fortress, Nate is asking Ruth for advice on his love life. Yeah, that's a good idea. You might as well be asking me. Ruth basically tells him that women are free to make their own choices these days, and then David skips in, looking all cheerful and reporting that a bus overturned on the highway the night before. "Forty-four passengers, most of them dead," he says, grinning like the Cheshire Cat. Nate knowingly asks if David got any sleep at all last night, and David turns it around by asking Nate how he did on the funeral director's exam. In Running Gag #753, Ruth chastises the boys for their foul language. Enter Rico, who thanks the Fishers for all their help over the years before saying he thinks it's time to move on. Nate tries to convince him to stay, but all Rico wants to know is, "Am I a partner?" Nate and David are silent, and Rico realizes that they never even discussed it. David decides to be the good cop for once, and shakes Rico's hand. "I'm sorry we can't offer you more," he says. "You will always have a job waiting for you here." As Rico leaves, Foreshadowing rips the camera out of Allen Coulter's hands and points it straight at Mommie Drearest. Who wants to bet that Ma hands over her silent partnership to Rico when he comes crawling back in a few episodes? I'll take all comers. Except you, Larry, since you already know if I'm right or not. Rico starts to walk out, but not before dispensing one final bit of advice: "Don't turn your back on Gilardi."
Moving rapidly into the denouement portion of this evening's festivities, Nate has returned to Brenda's house. He starts apologizing for his jealous behavior, and then Brenda explains that she threw CD out because she couldn't deal with his behavior anymore. Once she agrees to forgive him, Nate says that it's her turn to apologize for "trying to use Billy's meltdown and Connor's visit to push [him] away, for being impatient with [his] very valid emotional response to each one, and for always asking [him] to adjust [his] behavior and feelings, but never being willing to do the same herself." Amen, brother. Also, can you get her to do something about that public sex fetish while you're at it? Brenda agrees that he's got a point, saying that she's "already gone further than with anyone since…" Since Billy, perhaps? Or is this just more fake flirting with the issue, the same way they tried to make us think the Nathaniel tattoo was The Late Nate back in the day. Care to enlighten us, Larry? Or are you just pissed that I keep mentioning you? David Chase got back at me by introducing a character named Aaron with narcolepsy, so I can only shudder at the thought of what you crazy SFU kids might come up with. Nate makes Brenda promise that "from here on out, [he's] the only naked man in her bed and in her life," and while maybe I'm old-fashioned, I'd have to say that's a fairly reasonable request of one's girlfriend. "I love you, and want to be with you for the long haul," he says, "but there is a limit to the amount of shit I'm willing to put up with." It frightens me how much I sympathize with Nate sometimes. Nate goes over and kneels beside her, and Brenda apologizes once again for being "so weird about intimacy." What intimacy? She can't even get naked unless there's twelve other people in the room. She continues to remind us of plot developments past by adding, "I guess spending your childhood being picked apart by psychologists will do that." Nate is frightened by how much he sympathizes with Brenda here, and points out that "not being able to sleep at night because you know your basement is full of dead people takes its toll too." Actually, it hasn't bothered me a bit. Hi, Kenny! Nate's cell phone rings, interrupting their tender moment. David excitedly tells him that they're getting three bodies from the bus crash, and Nate is forced to resort to tired and lame HBO puns when he tells his brother to "curb [his] enthusiasm." Man, what kind of a loser would write something like that?
And finally, Claire returns at long last to the Formaldehyde Fortress. She slumps down at the kitchen table and waits for David to start yelling at her. She's shocked to learn that he hasn't told Mom about what happened, and even more amazed when he says he doesn't plan to. I'm shocked when Claire admits that she actually "learned something really valuable" on her trip, which turns out to be that "everything [she] knows is wrong." Yeah, especially all the things she knows about me. I'm really a sweet guy, Lauren. You should give me a call. After a moment, Claire asks David about Keith, and he reluctantly tells her, "It just didn't work out." David pours her a glass of orange juice, and then excuses himself to get to work. And with that, we're left with just a simple wide shot of Claire as we fade to white.
Alan Ball: Get out. Immediately.
Aaron: What? Why?
Alan Ball: The show's over. Now, I agreed to let you in here for two episodes to explain why you were gonna be gone for a week, but that's it. Now they're over, so, you know, get out.
Aaron: But I thought…
Alan Ball: Out!
Aaron: All right, all right. Jeez. Listen, if you won't let me stay, how about an interview?
Alan Ball: Only if you agree to wear a cape and tights.
Aaron: Deal. For someone of your talents, that's a bargain.
Alan Ball: You know what? Never mind. I don't need that mental image.
Aaron: Okay, what about Rick Cleveland? I mean, he's gotta be getting a pretty good laugh out of the fuss in the forums.
Alan Ball: If you don't leave now, I'm gonna have to search your bag for pot.
Aaron: Oh, please. Like you don't already have enough lying around here.
Alan Ball: That's it. I'm calling the cops.
Aaron: Whoa! No need to get nasty. Listen, if you won't do an interview, how about you just let Larry post every now and then? You know, just to say hi? Maybe explain whether or not the chest hair requires any special lighting?
Alan Ball: Man, where's Gustave when you need him?
week: Ruth camps! Gabe apologizes! Keith returns triumphantly! There'll even be a Top Twelve List! You won't want to miss it.