So I was originally planning to go all Dave Eggers on your collective asses and title this thing "A Side-Splitting Recap of a Staggering Load of Crap," but then I remembered that, technically, I'm still the new kid around here, and got scared that Wing might fire me and bring in Judd from The Real World to do cartoon recaps or something. ["Judd? No. Puck? Maybe." -- Wing Chun] Plus with that Pete guy eyeing my spot in the rotation (and don't think I don't know what you and Seth Green are up to over there, buddy), I've got to be extra careful about these things. It's a Mighty Big, dog-eat-dog world we live in, folks, and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear. Which, by the way, is really starting to chafe. The whole mess is further complicated by the fact that it now appears that unlike The Sopranos, Six Feet Under won't itself be interesting enough to keep you kids coming back from week to week. So, I've decided to take matters into my own hands. You see, I've been struggling for quite some time now to develop a new hook for my SFU recaps, thus retiring the David Chase Conversations until Sopranos's season four. Unfortunately, the gimmick market is already quite heavily saturated these days, especially what with these economically depressed times we're living in. I mean, we're just one website, and we've already got action figures, wonder preemies, Talking Rudy Dolls, literary devices incarnate, musical numbers, celebrity guest stars, and, oh yeah, who could forget the tenants of this space, a pair of talking plastic saints. So, as you can imagine, I'm having a bit of trouble coming up with something new and inventive that hasn't already been done completely to death. Pun so not intended. In fact, to give you an idea as to the immense strain all this has been putting me under lately, here's a sneak peek at some of the creative conceits I've already considered and rejected:
Iambic Pentameter
I must admit I don't much like this show.
Although, I guess it could be much, much worse.
I mean, it could be Sex And The City.Mad Libs
Nate tries to [Verb] the severed [Noun]. But then [Dead Guest Star] appears, spouting some [Medical Term]-babble, and the whole thing goes to [A Warm Place] in a [Type of Basket].Grammatically Incorrect
cLaire&tOEsuCkah 4 eva!!!!!!!!, !!!!
Anyway, you get the idea. So, in order to give you guys a reason to keep reading (thereby guaranteeing my continued employment, which in turn ensures that my cable bill stays tax-deductible), I've decided to kill two birds with one stone and usher in a brave new world of interactive recapability by allowing you, my loyal (or possibly just bored) readers, to make the ultimate selection. I've gone ahead and scattered various potential gimmicks about the recap, and there's a poll on the last page where you can make your voices heard. And please, people. Don't forget Florida. Every single vote counts. (Poll results, however, are completely non-binding.) So read on, and remember: you control the recap now. You control the horizontal. You control the vertical. You are about to experience the awe and mystery that reaches from my inner mind to the outer limits of recap technology.
Oh, and while we're (sort of) on the subject, does anyone else think that we should have recapper action figures for sale at the MBTV store? You could buy the whole set and have one hell of a party, especially if the Gustave doll were to invite a few of his, uh, "buddies" to come on over. Plus, who wouldn't want to have their own tiny, little Sars? You'd pull the string, and she'd lob witty bon mots at all your favorite TV shows, and then later on she could proofread your homework. See, I can get away with that because she's on vacation. But I am so gonna be grounded when she gets back. ["She's sitting right behind me at this moment. And she said to tell you you're fired." -- Wing Chun] Oh, and also just for kicks, let's make excessively long intros Potential Gimmick #1.
Oh, yeah. The show. Does anyone really care? Because I could do more Mad Libs if you want. On the off chance that you do care, this week opens on an actor who so desperately wants to be Warren Beatty that I half expect Goldie Hawn to show up and ask for a perm. He's standing by the pool of a big mansion, pitching some half-assed pyramid scheme called "Beauty Vision" to a group of marks who are chiefly notable for the poor quality of their various hairpieces. Warren's hair is perfect, by the way. There's some cross-cutting to the wives, and Mrs. Beatty describes Beauty Vision as a "personalized life-management system." It's a Palm Pilot? Whatever. The Ironic Musical Detachment Fairy cues up "Ain't That a Kick in the Head" as Warren struts about the patio, and I begin to suspect that I've identified this evening's Dead Guy Du Jour. The only question now is whether or not he'll come back in the body of Chris Rock after he dies in a hail of bullets from FBI tommy guns. Anyway, when Mrs. Beatty gushes about how happy she is to have her beautiful new baby, it pretty much seals Warren's fate. And, yep, there he goes. Once Bad Plugs Guy (but not Crooked Toupee Guy) says he's in, Warren ditches the cigar and executes a Louganis-like dive right into the pool. And then he smacks his head on the bottom and dies. As he floats to the surface, blood gushing from an open head wound, the Ironic Musical Detachment Fairy works overtime and cranks up the volume on the eponymous "Ain't that a kick in the head?" line. Although, to be fair, I will give the IMD Fairy credit for showing a little flair in the editing room. They hit some nice music cues in this scene.
The Ironic Segue Fairy, however, seems to be stuck in a bit of a rut, as we fade up from a black-and-white title card announcing the death of one Chandler James "Warren Beatty" Swanson to hear Keith nudging David to "wake [his] tired ass up, sleepy-head." There's some kissing, and some groping, and also a complete disregard for the likelihood of morning breath, and then we pan over to see The Late Nate watching intently because he's "kinda curious as to how this works." David freaks, and who can guess what's coming? Yep. Dream sequence. David wakes up again, this time with an excellent rendition of the always-funny drool take. Noticing the time, he bolts from bed and starts getting dressed. Enter Keith (Start-to-Robe = 203), who flirts a bit before thanking David for staying over. After slipping in some exposition about the reading of The Late Nate's will, David tries to weasel out of a meeting of "Gay Police and Firemen" by explaining that it's their busy season down at the funeral home: "A lot of people hang on for one last Christmas, and then...buh-bye." Uh, isn't it almost July?
Cut to Nate Jr., on the receiving end of a Brenda back-rub. "I always thought Shiatsu was more intense than this," he mumbles into the mattress, and she assures him that it will be. There's an interminable amount of psychobabble as Brenda attempts to determine precisely where Nate has been "wounded." He explains that he "once got stabbed in the thigh with a Bic pen," but given that a friend once accidentally put out a lit cigarette on my thigh, I don't really think that suffering a little pen-prick can be considered getting "wounded." For God's sake, people, I haven't worn shorts since. Brenda is, of course, speaking of a more metaphysical sort of wounding, and she locates a knot in his back that she claims represents things that happen "that leave a mark in space. In time. In us." No, it didn't sound any better when she said it out loud. You know, just in case you were wondering. Nate finally gets frustrated with all the philosophy, and flips over to face his friend. "I get enough depth at home," he says, "You're supposed to be my haven from all that." Rachel Griffiths does a passable job of looking sultry, and replies, "I'm not supposed to be anything." Except a literary device, of course, and a poorly conceived one at that.
Which, of course, provides the Ironic Segue Fairy with the perfect opportunity to introduce Potential Gimmick #2. And here he is: "Hey, kids! Kenny the Corpse here. You see, Aaron just recently discovered that the tenant in his new apartment left me and a few friends wedged under the floorboards. I caught him watching Six Feet Under (as well as something called Deep Throat, which I'll just assume was a Watergate documentary) and felt kinda sorry for him, so I popped up out of the floor to chat. All I can say is, thank God for portable defibrillators. Anyway, we got to talking about the show, and he thought I might have some insights on this whole pesky death thing that I could share with you. So here I am. Any questions?"
Aaron: Ooh! Ooh! Me me me me me me!
Kenny: Aaron, we've already discussed this. I said no.
Aaron: Come on, please? Just once?
Kenny: No. Now, don't say it.
Aaron: But...
Kenny: Do. Not. Say. It.
Aaron: OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED KENNY!
Kenny: You bastard.
At the Fisher Home -- or as I'll now be calling it, The House of Stiffs (get it? Because they have the corpses, and also the family is all like dysfunctional and stiff with each other? Yeah, I know. I'll try to have something better week) -- both David and Nate are returning from their respective nights on the town. Nate teases his brother a bit, making clever (okay, not really) usage of the HAL 9000 voice from 2001. Get it? Because the guy's name in the movie was Dave? If you don't get it, don't worry. The writers will be helpfully explaining it for you in another ninety seconds or so. ["I was actually grateful for that since, at first, Krause's HAL sounded more like Hannibal Lecter." -- Wing Chun] Inside, Mom watches her boys through the window, and then returns to scrubbing her peaches in the sink. Nate enters, grocery bag in hand, and suggests that she try the hydroponic raspberries he bought from a friend. Mom takes this as a slam against her own fruit (and no, I don't mean Ed Begley Jr.). Claire enters, there's more will-related exposition, and then Mom freaks out about everyone "staying out all night," and leaves. Dave enters, and we get the previously promised explanation of the whole HAL 9000 thing. Nate also offers him a hydroponic raspberry "grown by a guy named Gunther who once slept with Stevie Nicks." Claire and the entire North American viewing population simultaneously reply, "Eww." No kidding. I'd rather sleep with Stevie Van Zandt. But only if he's got the Silvio hair on. Nate inquires as to whom Dave's little friend might be, wondering if he and "Jennifer" have gotten back together. More knowing looks from Claire as she defends David and insists that he doesn't have to answer these questions. David looks mildly shocked, but does thank Claire for her intervention. Fortunately, the doorbell rings, thus preventing further bastardization of Kubrick's finest work (especially since it seems Spielberg may well have cornered the market on that one). As David goes to answer it, Claire asks Nate why he hasn't gone back to Seattle. "Because I would miss the joyful sense of belonging I get here," he replies, and that is so exactly the same thing I say every time I visit my parents and sister.
It's Mrs. Beatty and her baby at the door, and I'm just going to pause for a moment and point out that Tracy Middendorf is really freaking hot. Like Jessica Alba hot, but with the added bonus of displaying at least marginally more intellectual ability. Which is not to say that dogs, gerbils, and certain species of rutabaga don't also show marginally more intellectual ability than Ms. Alba does. She is hot, though, and sometimes that's all I need. Especially when I'm just looking for a buddy, if you know what I mean, and I think all the forum readers do. David leads her back to a living room, and starts asking questions to determine what sort of funeral service Warren would have wanted. When he learns that Beatty was the man behind Beauty Vision and its many infomercials, he suggests a "large-scale" service. Then he explains that they must "choose an appropriate resting vessel -- one that befits a man of his stature." Tracy starts crying, and David gently slides a box of Kleenex across the table to her. Based on the fact that Warren used to drive "the biggest, fastest" model of BMW, David recommends the Titan series of caskets, which feature "the same wood used in luxury automobile interiors." Tracy checks the price ($9,000), but then agrees to everything and hands over her credit card.
At this point, we're spared any further exposition regarding the reading of the will, and we skip straight to the exposition that's actually contained in the will itself. Basically, Ruth gets all the money and the insurance, Claire gets a trust to pay for college, David gets half the funeral home, and Nate gets a cheap, contrived excuse not to go back to Seattle. Uh...I mean, "the other half of the funeral home." I know everyone's been debating what The Late Nate's motives might have been here, but if you think the division of the funeral home was anything more than a device, you're probably deluding yourself. Or thinking you're still watching The Sopranos, the writers of which would have never stooped to this sort of stuff. I'm not even sure Livia left a will. Upon hearing that he's inherited half the home, Nate asks whether Dad was high when he wrote the will. Yeah, that's tasteful. David just gets up and walks out. Nate chases after him, leaving Claire to wonder what her "recourse" is. She's all snotty about not getting anything, despite the fact that Mom insists that she's "getting an education." I guess I can understand why Claire is upset, but I got pretty much the exact same deal when my grandparents died, and I can assure you that she'll be changing her tune once she gets the chance to laugh at friends who have to make student loan payments until they're fifty. I know I did. ["Same here, only no one had to die for me to get school paid for. Thanks, Registrar Dad!" -- Wing Chun] Downstairs, Nate tries to assure David that he can have his half, but Mom isn't having it: "Your father knew what he was doing. He wanted everyone to be happy, and we will be happy." There's more snarking and snotting, and Mom reminds them that they're all adults, and that Claire will be leaving year. "Yeah, to join the Marines," she shouts. "I want to learn to kill, kill, kill!" Heh. I love Lauren Ambrose. But not in any kind of a toe-sucking way.
House of Stiffs. The family returns to find Federico unpacking a dead body in the driveway. They banter about who is going to restore who, and Federico is worried about a Mrs. Huffington (and would that it were Arianna, but that's a different story), who has a 3:00 viewing but is still majorly jaundiced. There's some mortician-speak about cranking up the pink spotlights versus airbrushing the body, and all it does is serve to illustrate that Federico is a man who cares about his work. Finally, David asks Nate to pick up a fresh body at a local nursing home, because Nate's the only one who isn't busy. Claire and her Lean Green Corpse Machine, however, have been hemmed into the driveway by this conversation, and she finally honks her horn at them before screeching past. David runs inside, and Federico offers to go with Nate to pick up the body. Uh, I thought the whole point of Nate's going was that Federico was busy? Oh wait, that's right. Crappy contrived writing. Never mind.
In the van, Nate and Federico are chatting about what The Late Nate might have been thinking when he left half the business to The Live Nate. Federico suggests that the old man might have been upset with David, but also seems a little sad that he wasn't included as well.
Cut to Claire's school, where she walks out to find Gabriel (the crackhead boyfriend) chatting it up with a couple of girls. He follows her to her car and they flirt a bit, which mostly consists of Claire's whining that everyone treats her differently now. Gabriel proceeds to demonstrate a previously unseen softer side. "You know, you're different now," he tells her. "You can see through walls." I don't even know what that means. Did her father's death give her superpowers? Am I watching The Greatest American Hero (which, by the way, was the greatest show ever)? Claire doesn't seem to get it either, and asks, "Don't your skanks need to be walked?" Heh, again.
House of Stiffs. Mom is futzing about in the garden when Matthew Gilardi (the annoyingly coiffed funeral-home-chain representative) approaches her. She leads him inside, and he reiterates his offer to sell. He's just as smarmy as always, explaining that Kroehner Service International is "a family of death care facilities." I knew I didn't like this guy. I can't respect anyone who uses the phrase "death care" without irony. Or, in fact, at all. He insists that she look at the numbers, especially the stock options. Sars suggested the same thing when I signed up at MBTV, and now my 401(K) features a six-figure balance. I'm just saying. Anyway, Mom looks pensive as he leaves.
At the nursing home, Nate wanders the hall, pushing a gurney and warmly greeting the residents who are...well, still warm, I guess. He's not very popular, which Rico attributes to everyone's knowing why they're there. That surprises me somewhat, because I can think of so many other reasons why Nate might not be popular that the stubble isn't even cracking the top twelve. Federico's pregnant wife, who works at the nursing home and referred the body them, suddenly appears and banters with Nate while they walk to the room. Incidentally, here's where esteemed Queen of Obscure Guest-Stars Wing Chun tells me if I'm correct in my belief that this actress also played Nicholas Turturro's also pregnant wife a few years back on NYPD Blue. ["I got nothing. I haven't watched that show since Caruso left." -- Wing Chun] The wife tells him that her sister can't pick up their other kid from school because she got a callback for a cat-food commercial, and she insists that Federico leave work early to take care of it. He claims he can't, because it "would make David's head explode," but Nate reminds him who the new boss is and says he can go. Federico looks wary, but takes him up on it. He tosses over a pair of latex gloves, causing Nate to flash back to the flashback from episode one, and they load the body onto the gurney. Start-to-Corpse = 783. I still give the episode a C+, though. Sometimes, you've just got to go with your gut instead of the math. Of course, that strategy didn't work out too well when I tried it on the SATs, but I guess you can't have everything. As they lift the body, the sheet comes away, and Alan Ball totally decides to disregard last week's female-nudity advice and instead gives us a big ol' penis shot. I can't think of a delicate way to put this that doesn't involve an unfortunate rigor mortis joke, so I'll just come right out and say that the guy is erect. Federico describes the phenomenon as "Angel lust," and Nate once again looks suitably skeeved.
Cut to Nate in the van, looking shell-shocked. From the back, we hear the body making the occasional death rattle, and anyone who's played Black & White recently is instantly reminded of the creepy "deeeaaaatttthhh" whisper. Brenda calls on her ever-present cell phone, telling Nate that they've skipped too many steps and need to have a first date. You'd think anyone who uses a cell phone as much as Brenda would also have access to Gillian Anderson's hairdresser, but alas, it is not so. Instead, she bears a disturbing resemblance to Darth Vader at the end of Return of the Jedi, what with the pasty skin and the helmet-like hair. She demands that Nate meet her at a restaurant immediately, and he agrees.
Outside the restaurant, Nate instructs the valet guy to "keep [the van] out of the sun." Inside, he describes the "deeeaaaattthhhh" rattle to Brenda, and goes on to say that he doesn't understand what Dad was thinking with the will: "And poor Dave. I'd be pissed too. Although he does seem to be taking it to this extra, Old Testament level." Shout-out? Brenda asks Nate to talk about himself and pretend that it's their first date. He replies, "You mean the recap of major life events told in a humorous and self-deprecating way that almost always gets me laid?" Okay, now that has to be a shout-out. Except that these recaps have still never gotten me laid. Somehow telling chicks that you spend your weekends huddled over the computer, obsessively dissecting crappy TV shows, isn't quite the aphrodisiac I'd expected it to be. ["Dude, you must be telling it wrong." -- Wing Chun] If this job ever does get me sex, though, you'll all be the first to know. Probably because I'll be describing Six Feet Under as the greatest TV show since The Greatest American Hero. There's some more metaphysical muttering, and Brenda feels that Nate is "interesting" because she doesn't "meet that many men with dead guys with hard-ons in their car." That surprises me somewhat as well, because after all, this is L.A.
Back in the van, Nate notices a nasty smell, and we quickly cut back to the House of Stiffs, where David is grousing that Mrs. Beatty's credit card was rejected. Turns out the Beattys were in debt up to their ears, and that they have a "$3,200 Titan casket being delivered tomorrow." Dude, if I'd known the mark-ups were like that, I'd have become a funeral director. Plus those guys seem to get laid all the time. Mom asks why David never told her about the buyout offer, and it seems as though she might actually be considering it. The discussion moves to the will; David feels that Dad must have really hated him to leave half the business to Nate. Pan over to DeadDad in the doorway, who says, "It's Fisher & Sons. That's got to continue. And you're never going to have any kids. Oh, and we also couldn't think of a good way to keep Nate from going back to Seattle." David sighs, and the spectre of The Late Nate is once again replaced with The Live Nate, who has just returned. "I think Mr. Suarez kind of shit himself," he says. "Is that normal?" The brothers fight about Nate's apparent lack of respect for human life, and also whether or not corpses can take a dump when they're dead. If you look closely, you can see Alan Ball over the corner being all, "Ooh, look at me! I'm mocking death! Aren't I clever? Isn't that original? It's scary, and inevitable, and no one likes to talk about it, so I'm making fun of it! Hey, there's the Grim Reaper! Ha ha, made you look. Anyway, you guys can park the truck full of Emmys over there." Back at the table, Mom exclaims that she doesn't like all this bickering. David spits, "Yeah, well, I don't like you sleeping with hairdressers." Mom hauls off and smacks him across the face. ["When I watched it, I thought of the action in exactly those words. She really fucking belts him one. I even gasped." -- Wing Chun] And while we've all learned a valuable lesson about violence this week from Bunim & Murray's tasteful treatment of the whole Stephen/Irene Seattle Situation, I still think David totally deserved that. Nate follows David downstairs, and we once again get a rehash of the whole "I stayed, you left" argument.
Cut to the Corpse Machine; Claire and Gabriel are toking up in the front seat. Claire complains some more about the college thing, and Gabriel suddenly goes all guidance counselor and reiterates my whole "no student loans to pay off" thing. "And by the way," she tells him, "that shit you gave me the night my father died really fucked me up." Gabriel apologizes, and Claire continues whining that she'd like to decide what she wants to do with her life "before someone reprograms [her]." Gabriel tries to top his crappy pickup line from last week thus: "Nobody could reprogram you. You're the most original girl in school. Look at this car you drive. This face you drive." "This face you drive"? Is that even a compliment? Claire is buying it, though, and he continues, "You know how much guts it takes to be somebody like you?" before moving in for the kiss.
Back to the flashback from last week. Dad offers Nate Jr. the gloves to touch the body, and then little Davey enters with his naked doll. After Nate Jr. runs off in fear, Dad encourages Davey to put his doll on the gurney, just like the corpse. "Yeah, you're okay, David," he says, and I once again realize that Nathaniel Sr. was a lot nicer when he was alive. I guess his post-death appearances are supposed to reflect how the characters themselves perceive him, and not how he actually was. Cut back to David, preparing the body of Warren Beatty (or as he'll now be known, Worm Baitey). Nate comes down and tells him that Mom wants to talk to them.
Upstairs, Ma informs her boys that she's going on a hike with Hiram, her previously mentioned partner in infidelity. Nate thinks it's cool, but David freaks out. Yeah, there's a surprise. David wants her to stay so that she can meet with Mrs. Baitey, but Mom just says, "It's Fisher & Sons," and walks out, leaving the boys to look astonished. After a moment, David slumps into a chair at the kitchen table and gripes about how busy he is, especially because he has to beg the cemetery for a plot to bury Mr. and Mrs. Suarez to each other, instead of on "opposite sides of the freeway." Nate, actually sounding sincere, asks whether there's anything he can do to help. "Can you tell Adele ["Mrs. Baitey"] Swanson that we know she's broke and can't afford the funeral she's ordered? Can you do that?" Nate decides that he probably can, and David lays out the situation. "The Swansons are con artists," he says, handing over a file, "and they're not going to con us, too. I made some notes in case you're not familiar with credit reports." Nate reminds David that he deals with big, national vendors as part of his bag boy job, and David seems genuinely touched that Nate's taking an interest. Aww. I do have something snarky to say here, but in the immortal words of one Billy Joel, I think I'll just "leave a tender moment alone."
Alan Ball: Was it something I said?
Aaron: No, no. It's nothing personal.
Alan Ball: Because I can be cool too, you know. Look: "Get out. Immediately." See?
Aaron: Dude, half of them aren't even going to get that joke. Besides, you really need to spend more time on the scripts. They need the work.
Alan Ball: But think of the great guest-star possibilities. I mean, all the really cool celebrities are dead already anyway.
Aaron: Talk to the readers, my friend. It's out of my hands.
Alan Ball: Come on, you guys! Vote for Potential Gimmick #3 and keep me around. I'm way cooler than Kenny!
Kenny The Corpse: Okay, that's enough outta you, Bag Boy. Get out. NOW!
Aaron: Thanks, Kenny.
Back to the school, where Claire finds Gabriel slumped against the Corpse Machine. He and his soul-patch invite her out on a date for that night, and then there's some Mighty Big macking as we fade to white.
Fade back up on Nate, explaining Worm's finances to a tearful Mrs. Baitey. Wouldn't she have, like, a lawyer or something for that? ["Not if they're broke. Lawyers are expensive." -- Wing Chun] He suggests cremation, because it's "much more dignified, and it's in range, given the financial situation." Mrs. Baitey doesn't understand, claiming that Beauty Vision "has franchises in thirteen states and the nation of Uruguay." Nate rattles off a list of Worm's money problems, including the fact that his "former partners are suing him, there are several credits cards maxed out, run-ins with the IRS dating back to 1996, and Yale University would like him to quit telling people that he went there." Why would he say Yale? Everyone knows Princeton is the superior school. Yeah, I'm sucking up to Sars, I know, but I've got to make up for the action figure crack somehow. Nate suggests that she rent the coffin instead of buying it: "We'll work something out. And afterwards we'll give you his ashes in an urn." Mrs. Baitey starts sobbing, and Nate contrasts himself with his brother by getting up to hug her instead of shoving the facial tissues in her general direction. He's still unshaven, and he hasn't even bothered to put on a tie for this little meeting, so I guess it must still be Casual Friday at the Fisher Family Funeral Home.
Cut to the woods, where Mom and her boyfriend are hiking. Yes, it's Ed Begley Jr. No, I'm not going to bother making any jokes about him, because it's not like you haven't heard them all before. Mom is concerned that when she thinks about their relationship, it's like she's "watching the whole thing on some sex channel on cable TV." Like, ha ha. Not. Besides, Showtime is the sex channel now. Right, Camper? Anyway, they talk some more, but since this is the least interesting plot on an already not very interesting episode, I'm not going to bore you any further with it. Suffice it to say that she dumps his ass, and then leaves him there in the woods, where, with any luck, the Blair Witch will get him and we'll never have to hear from his electric-car-driving ass again. Oops. See, I told you you'd heard them all before.
Back at the House of Stiffs, it's time for Worm Baitey's funeral. He's laid out in the Titan casket, with the pink spotlights glowing. There's also some nasty-ass frat rock playing, and then we pan over to see that Nate and Mrs. Baitey are the only ones in attendance. He compliments her music selection, and we learn that she got it from the CD player in his car. "It's the last song he ever heard," she says, and somewhere Dean Martin is spinning in his grave. From behind them, some random guy enters shouting about the $45,000 Worm owed him; Nate jumps up to intercede, explaining that Mrs. Baitey doesn't know anything about the situation. He hustles the guy out. David comes down, and is shocked to see that Worm is in the Titan casket. "Yeah yeah," says Nate, "but she's giving it back. I made the deal for cremation." David informs him that the casket must legally be burned with the body now, but before things can get too heated, the doorbell rings. David opens it to reveal a woman holding a cake of some sort. It's Jennifer, his ex-fiancée. Dun-Dun-Duhhhh!
Inside, at the kitchen table, Jennifer explains to David and Mom that she hadn't heard about The Late Nate until yesterday. "He adored you," says David, and I'll just bet he did. Mom takes this opportunity to let David know that she doesn't want to answer the phones around the funeral home anymore.
We cut to Claire and Gabriel in the Lean Green Corpse Machine. They're parked in the school parking lot, and the two kids are semi-naked in the back. Gabriel says that every part of Claire' body has a new meaning to him now, including her nose, her "little hands," and, of course, her toes. He tickles her a bit, and then suggests that she do the same to him. Leaning back against the side of the hearse, he asks her to keep rubbing his foot, because it's "making [his] toe hard." Then he asks her to suck on it, and after looking a bit unsure, she finally complies. We see Gabriel close his eyes and moan, and the director thankfully decides to cut away before I begin to vomit. During my abortive run to the bathroom with the dry heaves, however, I was inspired as to Potential Gimmick #4, which will be the ever-popular song parody. This one goes to the tune of AC/DC's "You Shook Me All Night Long."
She had a Corpse Machine
She kept the motor clean
It was the greenest damn hearse that I ever seen
She had the pouty nose
And she licked my toes
Knockin' me out with an American Beauty rose
So I gave her a dare
To show she did care
She said, "Drop your socks," but I was already there
'Cause my toe she's licking
My heel she's tickling
The earth was kicking
And the viewers were sickened, and you --
CHORUS:
Sucked feet all night long
Yeah you sucked feet all night long
Driveway of Stiffs. Nate is scrubbing the back of the van, cursing Mr. Suarez and his death doody. Okay, that one was even worse than "House of Stiffs," wasn't it? Keith comes up behind him and reminds Nate that they met at DeadDad's viewing. "Oh yeah, David's racquetball partner," remembers Nate. He tells Keith that David went out with Jennifer, his ex-fiancée, and then asks, "Hey, is David any good?" Long pause. Uncomfortable Keith. Then Nate clarifies, "At racquetball? Because we used to play in high school, and he was pathetic." Keith smiles a bit, and answers, "Uh yeah. In fact, I think you'd be surprised at how good he's gotten." Well, I guess that answers the "why are these two together?" question. Keith thanks Nate for the info, and then departs.
Inside, Mom comes down the steps to find Mrs. Baitey stripping the jewelry from Worm's body, which is still in the coffin. Mrs. Baitey cries and says she needs to sell the jewelry for money. Then she spouts a few lines that remind us that The Late Nate left his family a lot better off than Worm left his. You know, just in case we hadn't already figured out this week's deeper meaning. By the end of the opening credits.
Cut to a restaurant, where David and Jennifer are chatting. He repeats that The Late Nate loved her, but then confesses that he's drunk. "Then I can ask," she says. "Are you happy?" "I'm still me," he replies, which is actually a pretty good line. She tells him that Dad knew he was gay, and worried that David "spent so much time making other people happy that [he] never thought about [himself]." Then she asks whether he has anyone new in his life. He nods, but then says, "You didn't know my father. You didn't know him at all. No one did." I'm still not sure whether there's a deep, dark secret to be revealed here, but the kids certainly all seem to hate Late Nate. "Let's get a room at the Haverford Inn and fuck our brains out. How about it?" David asks. Jennifer looks disgusted.
And since Jennifer was apparently unwilling to provide the booty call David seems to need every time he gets depressed, we now see him arriving at Keith's place all liquored up. When Keith opens the door, David spouts some line about having to pick up a body in Long Beach. Then he lays his head against Keith's chest and mumbles, "I'm a little drunk." You think? He continues, "You might have to undress me." Keith agrees, but then pushes David upright and says, "Right after you stop lying to me." Keith then slams the door in David's face. David barely even stops to think about this before turning and calmly walking away.
Over at Brenda's place, which is so not the house we saw her in last week ["I thought maybe she was staying in the guest house on the same property." -- Wing Chun], Nate has arrived for a little booty call of his own. As they roll about on her massage mattress, Nate unzips the back of her dress to discover a tattoo on her lower back that reads "Nathaniel." "Uh, Brenda? Why is my name tattooed on your ass?" he asks, but she insists that it's not his name: "It's a coincidence. It's not you or anyone you know. Come on, you think I'm so enamored with you that I had your name burned into my flesh?" Nate points out that she obviously liked someone enough to have his name burned into her flesh, and she replies, "I would have done a lot more than that for him." The Funky Techno Music of Lust cranks up, and we fade to white as they mack some more.
The morning after. Nate returns home, but hears what the closed captioning identifies as "snoring" as he heads upstairs. Moving into the chapel, he finds David, lying in the Titan coffin. The following dialogue works best when transcribed verbatim, so here it is:
David: It's about time, you fucking moron.
Nate: What are you doing in there?
David: Would you help me out, you fucking moron?
Nate: Why can't you just climb out?
David: I think we both know the answer to that, you fucking moron.
As much as the dream sequences annoy me, I'll give that one a hearty "heh." But then we cut back to the most disgusting sight since the toe-sucking: Brenda is running her fingers through Peter Krause's veritable Amazon rain forest of chest hair. It's nasty. When some little guy in a pith helmet and Just Peachy's khakis emerges, Brenda looks down at him and inquires, "Dr. Livingston, I presume?" This wakes Nate, and she looks him straight in the eye and says, "You really should do something about this. It's really deep." Amen, sister. But then she adds, "It might as well be bleeding." Huh? You know what, I don't even want to know. ["Oh, you already know: the wound." -- Wing Chun] She asks what his plans for the day are, and he explains that he and David have to go fetch the registration from the wrecked hearse for insurance purposes. "Take your cell phone," she tells him, and then makes him promise several times that he will.
House of Stiffs. Lauren comes downstairs, practically glowing, and begins extolling the relative virtues of Six Feet Under as opposed to The Greatest American Hero. Get it? Because she just had sex and all? She ignores the healthy breakfast Mom has cooked for her, asking whether there are "any more of those Stevie Nicks raspberries." "Claire, do you have an eating disorder?" asks Mom, to which Claire replies, "I wish." Then, her duties for this week completed, she bops off to the Corpse Machine for another fun-filled afternoon with Gabriel The Podiatric Punk.
Downstairs, David comes across Mr. Suarez's son, who is waiting in the living room. When he notices Suarez Jr. perusing the Titan catalog, he mentions that they cost $9,000. Mr. Suarez explains that Nate already offered to let him have it for $4,500.
We cut downstairs to see Federico explaining to Nate why it's illegal to re-sell a coffin: "There are fluids that seep, okay? And [Mr. Baitey], he seeped." David runs in and starts in on the same line of thought, but Nate feels that Mr. Suarez "wants a quality coffin, and [they] happen to have one available." Federico insists that all of this is wrong, against his beliefs, and most importantly, "unsanitary." "They're dead," exclaims Nate. "What disease can they possibly catch?" David explains that it's too late, and now they lost the profit on two $9,000 coffins. Nate is as shocked as I was to learn about the mark-up.
We cut back upstairs, where the boys try to explain the situation to Mr. Suarez. Nate keeps insisting that everything is okay, and that David is being "a fucking moron." Finally, Suarez Jr. agrees to stipulate that he understands the condition of the coffin. Then he stands up and tells them, "You've closed, okay? Don't over-close. It kills the word of mouth." Based on this show's steep ratings drop-off from week one to week two, I think the writers may find those to be words to live by. Or possibly die by.
Jogging scene of the week. Still a cemetery, but this week there's peppy rock music to go with the shots of Late Nate's grave. Nate stands over the tombstone, and suddenly DeadDad appears behind him, bemoaning his epitaph: "Is that the best they could come up with? 'Husband, Father, Caregiver'?" "Would you prefer 'Sadist, Introvert, Mind-Fucker'?" asks Nate. Just then, Matthew Gilardi -- a.k.a. The Salesman Who Always Knows Where All The Fishers Are All The Time -- approaches. He makes the sales pitch to Nate again, this time including the phrase, "We've made a very rich buyout offer for your unit." Please God, spare me any further talk of Nate's unit. I'm getting hair visuals that will be burned into my brain for all eternity. When Nate seems reluctant to sell, Gilardi turns the screws, threatening to interfere with their suppliers and lure Federico away. The threat delivered, Gilardi turns to walk away, and Late Nate appears again to mock him a bit.
Over in a garage somewhere, Nate and David arrive to find the totaled hearse. They stare at it a bit, and the sad music swells, and then Nate goes over to look inside. He's disgusted by the fact that there's still blood on the steering wheel, but I don't care about any of that since all I can think is that this scene was so much better in Fight Club. David, being the can-do guy that he is, shrugs it off and grabs the papers out of the glove compartment. "Jesus, don't you feel anything?" asks Nate. "Yeah, I feel betrayed," David replies. Just then, Nate's cell phone rings, and it's (surprise) Brenda. She orders him and David to meet her on a random street corner as quickly as possible.
Cut to the corner in question. Nate stands beside the self-referential "Accident" bench we saw last week as he recounts his meeting with Gilardi. Nate thinks that they should sell. "And erase everything this family has worked for for fifty years?" wonders David. "That might not be a bad thing, " says Nate. Okay, I'm really having trouble reconciling their attitude with what we've seen of their father, and while I know I've been harping on that a lot lately, it's because at this point they've moved out of the realm of the mysterious and suspenseful, and into the Land of Crappy Characterization. Hey, speaking of which, here's Brenda, arriving on a city bus. Nate introduces David, and then she invites them to board the bus. "This is the bus," she tells them. "The bus." Nate speaks for everyone watching at home as he says, "Brenda, this isn't funny. This is fucked up. What gives you the right to do something like this?" David, however, slowly sits down, and seems to be experiencing some closure. Nate sits beside him, and David struggles to put his thoughts into words. As the bus starts moving, we see a much younger-looking Nathaniel Sr. standing on the street, happily holding his little sons. Adult Nate Jr. slowly takes David's hand, and as Brenda smiles at her super-shrink abilities, we slowly fade to white. Oh, and here's the final Potential Gimmick (#5): The Top Twelve List. Why top twelve? Well, let's just say it's got all the alliteration of a Top Ten, but this way there're fewer lawsuits. So without any further ado, and straight from the home office in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, MBTV proudly presents:
The Top Twelve Reasons This Scene Sucked12. Neither Keanu nor Sandra is present. This, however, is not necessarily a bad thing.
11. An accident bad enough to total the hearse like that would have left that bus out of commission as well. There hasn't been enough time to get it back in service.
10. I don't know about you, but if a woman I just met surprised me by inviting me and my emotionally volatile sibling to take a ride in the vehicle that killed our father, I would run far, far away, and never, ever come back.
9. Hi. You know, you might want to let the camera guy know there are f-stops higher than 2.2.
8. Brenda is standing in front of the yellow line while the bus is in motion.
7. How the hell did she find that specific bus? She never saw the number, and it's not the same route where the accident took place, or the boys would have known about it.
6. If I wanted to watch dead people doing good deeds, I'd be recapping Touched By An Angel. Ooh, I so just jinxed myself. After all, it is on Sunday nights.
5. Did I miss the scene where Brenda got even the slightest inkling that the boys needed closure? Because I've watched this episode way more times than any of you people have, and I didn't see it. For God's sake, Nate practically giggles like a schoolgirl every time he sees her.
4. Public transportation? In L.A.? Yeah, right.
3. Hi. Me again. Just so you know, you don't need a freaky depth-of-field effect in every. Single. Scene. You're edgy. We get it. Now focus the frigging camera.
2. Never mind that the fact that Brenda's never even met David, because we all have, and this totally would have made him freak out, not leave a tender moment alone.
1. Neck hair. 'Nuf said.
So there it is, kids. Place your votes to the right, and tune in week to see who won. And maybe, if you're lucky, the show might even feature the gratuitous use of a severed body part. How could you possibly pass that up?