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Okay. Siberia is a scripted show, but it's pretending to be a reality show. Called Siberia. There's a fine line between "meta" and "deliberately confusing," but we'll get through this together. There are sixteen (!) contestants on the show, which is too many to really get to know in one episode. Just like on a real reality show!
The premise of the reality show is that sixteen people get flown out to Tunguska and… that's it. This is a show with -- they keep telling us -- no rules or games. All the contestants have to do is survive to the end of a Siberian winter without giving up and they'll split five hundred thousand dollars. But right after announcing all that, there's a game where everyone has to race to the camp and the last two people get eliminated. So maybe there are rules after all?
In the race, most of the contestants just cluster together in the middle and walk to the camp. Johnny the bull-riding jerk and Neeko the noble rugby player run ahead of everyone and get there first, although Sabina somehow teleports in front of them. Daniel the computer programmer hurts his foot, and Tommy the environmental activist carries him. And for no apparent reason, Berglind runs off the path and gets lost while Harpreet follows her. So they're both out, and you can already forget they exist.
Once they get to the camp, a bunch of standard Survivor tropes get trotted out, including The Passive-Aggressive Struggle About Leadership and The Guy Who Thinks He Can Start Fire With Two Sticks, But Can't. Johnny has a lighter, but he won't tell anyone about it. So it's up to Daniel to save the day by starting a fire with his glasses. You know, exactly like in Lord of the Flies.
Then a team goes out looking for mushrooms and they get separated. And this is bad news for the part of the team that consists of Tommy, because he gets killed. That's right: killed! Tommy got killed! And one of the show's camera operators was horribly injured, which is our first sign that something's wrong. But the producers won't tell the contestants anything, so the first mystery is established: what killed Tommy? It was probably Bigfoot.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!We open on a mountain ridge. It's covered in trees and not that much snow, which disappoints me. I may not know much about Siberia, but snow figures prominently in my mental picture. And there's a helicopter that contains several blindfolded people. The whole thing is scored by generic "exciting" music that's almost exactly midway between Survivor and The Amazing Race. The blindfolded people get out of the helicopter and are led in a line down to a field.
An Australian gentleman with whom I am not familiar announces, "Sixteen total strangers stand before you." They're in a real-life social experiment with no games or rules. That sounds terrible, doesn't it? I like rules. They help define the experiment. Anyway, they're trying to win $500,000, and the only way out is to forfeit and go home. They got on a plane eight hours ago in London and they don't know where they are. They look pretty together for people that have been flying for eight hours.
They remove their blindfolds. Aussie Host tells them this is a completely new adventure and the playing field is "The Siberian wilderness." It's so wilderness-y out here that there aren't roads between the cities. They'll have no modern conveniences and will have to live like people did a hundred years ago. And again, if they survive the winter, they'll split $500,000. And the crazy part is that there will be no interference at all. They're just being dumped here with a camera crew.
So what's going on here is that this is a scripted drama about a fictional reality show. And so far, everything is being presented as though we're watching the reality show, but I don't think they can continue that through the whole season. I don't know how they can fully Blair Witch this thing, since there's eventually going to be a problem with the camera crew.
Back to Aussie Host, who is not at all a ripoff of Phil Keoghan. Phil is a New Zealand Host, which is completely different. This Entirely Original Aussie Host tells the contestants that there's an old fur-trading settlement two miles due east. It was abandoned by fourteen inhabitants a hundred years ago for no known reason. And it's been restored to exactly the state it was in when it was abandoned. So it sounds like a perfectly safe place to set a reality show! There are red flags marking a path through the forest, and the last two contestants to arrive will be sent home immediately. He said there would be no games! And now we've got an elimination challenge right off the bat. This is an outrage. Also, although everyone packed for a wilderness vacation, they don't get to bring their bags. Well, that isn't much of a twist. Survivor does this all the time.
Now it's time for Aussie Host's classic catchphrase: "The game has begun. Go!"
Speaking directly to the audience, Aussie Host says they're in what's sometimes called the "Valley of Death," by which he means Tunguska. In 1908, there was a crazy huge explosion there. Look up "Tunguska Event" and marvel at the destruction. This was supposedly considered a cursed place, which doesn't really explain why fur traders decided to set up shop here right after the Tunguska Event. Maybe all those scientists that were investigating the explosion liked furs. Anyway, we go into the opening credits with a very Keoghan-istic sentence: "This... is Siberia."
The opening credits list all sixteen contestants by their first names: Carolina, Johnny, Daniel, Neeko, Natalie, Sam, Esther, Tommy, George, Annie, Miljan, Berglind, Irene, Harpreet, Victoria and Sabina. They're all played by actors with the same first name as their characters, except that Carolina's actor is named Joyce. And Annie's actor is named Anne-Marie, which is pretty close. I guess that allows them to use credits for the real show that look like the reality show. It's cute.
People run through the forest, tracked by a helicopter. We never see the camera crews, but that's not unusual for a reality show. You have to look pretty carefully to see the camera people on The Amazing Race. The two people in front are Neeko, a professional rugby player, and Johnny, a bull rider. Johnny is a bit ahead of Neeko, especially after they splash through a river and Neeko stumbles a little. After them, most of the group is staying clumped together. Except for Berglind, a journalist from Reykjavik, who suddenly runs off into the woods. Which seems crazy, right? Her theory is that she knows a faster way to go, but this is the first time anyone's seen this forest. Harpreet takes off after her, citing her Viking warrior vibe. Daniel says he thinks he recognizes Carolina, so make a note of that for later use.
Daniel is a glasses-wearing computer programmer, and he trips pretty quickly. Tommy, an environmental activist, goes back to help him. Daniel's ankle is twisted, so Tommy's going to have to practically carry him. Everyone else in the group moves on, and the general opinion is that Tommy is being dumb. Esther pulls a flag out of the ground on the theory that "no rules" means "no rules," and too bad for the people who ran off the path. I kind of agree with that. Besides, if they'd stayed on the path, they wouldn't get thrown off it... would they?
Johnny and Neeko get to the camp and start checking out the cabins. The cabin Johnny goes into has six beds and he goes through swapping pillows. I don't know why, but it's possible he's just got trying to get the fluffiest one. Neeko's cabin is the same, except that Sabina is already inside it. Neat! I assume her big secret is going to be that she's identical twins. Or possibly she knows how to teleport. Incidentally, I don't think it's quite fair to say that these people will be living just like the fur traders of a hundred years ago. After all, the fur traders had visitors and a social life. And furs to keep themselves warm!
The main crowd carefully picks their way through the muddy river and we get a few more names and occupations. Sam, for example, is a Brooklyn bouncer. And Harpreet is a graduate student from Washington DC. He's the one that followed Berglind off the path and they're lost. Of course. That's what happens to you when you wander off the path. That's why there's a path.
Sabina finds a pocket knife hidden in her cabin. This is obviously very significant.
The main crowd gets to the camp. Victoria (sales clerk from Winnipeg) is happy. Natalie thinks the cabins actually seem pretty nice. They are! Assuming you don't mind sleeping in bunk beds with a bunch of other people. The cabins get divided up man-woman, and the contestants take a moment to count heads. Daniel and Tommy are missing, as are Berglind and Harpreet. So we check in on the two straggler teams! Tommy carries Daniel to that river, and then starts helping him through. Berglind insists to Harpreet that they're not lost, although they've turned around to try to find the path again. She finds the red flag that was thrown on the ground, and it doesn't seem like it really distracted them all that much. And now they're on the real path again!
Miljan (a club DJ from Montenegro) notes that there are six beds in each cabin, so with fourteen people, two will presumably be sleeping on the ground. And they see that somebody's coming up to the camp. But we don't find out who until after the commercials, because this show is devoted to its reality show tropes. I'd find that entertaining if it exaggerated the tropes, but instead it's just "as much like a reality show as possible." I've already seen shows that do that. They're called "actual reality shows."
After the commercial, we see that the two people that made it are Daniel and Tommy. Apparently spraining your ankle is a better strategy than running straight off the path. Daniel gets carried to what's being called the "boys' cabin." Johnny sneers at the idea of Tommy helping his competition, because it's important to establish Johnny as a jerk early on. Tommy says he wants the money so he can help others. He's so noble!
Then the sad music from Amazing Race plays as Harpreet and Berglind get there. Harpreet explains that they went off the path, and then does the standard speech about how he's a competitor. Also, Berglind is disappointed. Too bad!
Aussie Host walks out from behind a tree and huddles everyone up. He announces, "As would have happened a hundred years ago, some settlers would have died or never made it." During the two-mile walk from the helicopter? Dang, people in 1913 were a lot more fragile than I thought. It was probably the flu. So Berglind and Harpreet are out. So long, dummies. They walk under a sign that says "Farewell SIBERIA." You know, at least Berglind was doing this so she wouldn't be following everyone. Harpreet was still a follower; he just chose to follow somebody with no idea where she was going.
Okay, now that we've spent all that screen time on two characters who are no longer on the show (normal for a reality show, but unacceptable for a dramatic series), let's move on with the ground rules for this show that claims to have no rules. There's a giant metal box with klaxon horns on it. Aussie Host says this is the "Revealer," and it will occasionally disgorge help. And if anyone wants to leave Siberia, there's a safe zone with a big red button. If you cross the line on the way to the safe zone, you forfeit. He doesn't say what happens if you walk around the line, which is only like five feet long. There's allegedly no support staff on site, so the safe zone is the only place to get help. So this is a show where no one steps in if a contestant falls in the fire. Where do the camera people stay? What do they eat? Aussie Host has no more details. Instead, he says, "There are no other rules on this show. Settlers, welcome to Siberia."
Everyone has brief talking-heads on how they feel about there being no rules. Some people like the idea and some don't. Victoria, the contestant in charge of ironic foreshadowing, says, "We don't want a Lord of the Flies situation on our hands."
With the ground rules out of the way, let's get back to the sleeping arrangements. Esther (a model from Australia) does not want to sleep on the floor. I suspect that nobody does, but Esther throws a big tantrum about how she got there first. Irene argues with her, saying, "No one saw you get here first." How could you? Whoever gets there first is there before anyone can see them. Esther goes off to hang out with the boys and then Irene mopes to the other women.
Esther has decided she wants to sleep in Miljan's bed. He's okay with this, saying he wants the other men to be jealous, which will make them emotional and weak. That's kind of a dumb plan, but I like that Esther was the first person to realize that more than one person can sleep in a bed at a time. Especially during a Siberian winter, I imagine the extra body heat could come in handy. I wonder which man is sleeping on the floor, though.
The men decide go out to look for water, when the klaxons on the Revealer start up wailing. The Revealer is metal and does not have an obvious way to open it. After the contestants bang on it for a while (picture the first scene in 2001: A Space Odyssey), they find that one of the panels opens. And their reward is a note about the Fly Agaric mushroom. It's also known as the Amanita Muscaria, and it's both poisonous and hallucinogenic. But according to this note, you can boil it and it'll be edible. This is useful information! Neeko decides to take a leadership role, and Johnny tells us he's not having anybody tell him what to do. One squad is sent out for mushrooms and another group is on fire detail. Daniel covers the Survivor bases, telling us about how you have to boil your water, so they need fire. It represents life, you know. George the accountant (who admits he lies a lot) starts setting up the rub-two-sticks fire technique. It doesn't work, of course. Johnny tells us he snuck in a lighter. Like everyone thought Richard Hatch did in that All-Stars season! And you know, that only gives you an advantage if you use it to actually start a fire. If you wait until there's a roaring campfire, no one cares about your illicit lighter.
While everyone else is trying (and failing) to start a fire, Esther, Tommy and Miljan are looking for mushrooms. But instead, they've found a river. Spoiler: mushrooms don't grow in the river. Carolina notices that Johnny isn't doing anything and this outrages her. Johnny tells her he can take care of himself, so he doesn't care about other people looking for food. He's so confident, he gets somewhat redundant: "I'm self-sufficient on my own." Because he has a lighter, remember? He seems to believe that as long as you have a lighter, you can live forever in the forest. Incidentally, don't you think the fur traders a hundred years ago probably had some matches around the place? They had matches in 1913. Anyway, Neeko and Sam don't like Johnny. And when he goes up on the roof of a cabin to sunbathe, that doesn't change their minds.
Daniel uses his glasses to get a fire going, because we haven't had enough Lord of the Flies references. I can only assume this means his glasses will get stolen at some point. He feels this has garnered him some respect. Neeko, in fact, calls him a genius and says, "He instantly gained my respect from that one moment. See, I would have thought this would just make them respect his eyewear.
The mushroom party comes back to the camp, laden with water. Because the river didn't have any mushrooms in it, but there was plenty of water. And they are pleased to learn that there's a fire. Everything's going fine! But Sam is angry because the mushroom party did not bring mushrooms. He's kind of got a point. He explains to us that when he's hungry, he gets cranky. Great. Can't wait for more time with this guy. Johnny smirks a lot, because I guess he's planning on eating his lighter. Everyone decides that the plan is to find food tomorrow, which seems crazy to me. That's like twelve hours away! Are you sure you don't want to find some food before then?
That night, everyone's gathered around the fire getting to know each other. Except for Johnny, who's on the cabin porch. When he turns out to be nicer than he seems, just like Sawyer on Lost, try to act surprised. Annie says she doesn't trust Miljan. Johnny joins the circle and Tommy gives him his seat. Actually, I think Sabina's still on the porch, too, but she's not getting as much camera time as Johnny. Johnny asks if everyone's hungry, because he has a handful of berries. He hands them to Neeko, who's immediately suspicious. Johnny eats one and pretends to collapse. That's pretty funny. Miljan tells us he'll break Johnny slowly. Esther says she's a model. And then! There's a noise in the darkness! Gasp!
There are more noises from the darkness. It could be wolves. Wolves breaking sticks. Everyone runs inside. Leaving the camera crew outside. See, I'd be happy to ignore the theoretical camera crew, but they keep insisting that we're watching a reality show.
There's a wooden sign: "Welcome to SIBERIA". That's probably the other side of the "Farewell SIBERIA" sign from earlier. I mention that because it's part of the montage indicating that it's the morning. We didn't get a shot of the full moon, which is a huge oversight. We also haven't had anybody tell us that they're not here to make friends.
The morning, Esther says, "I have absolutely no idea what happened last night. Zero." I bet it's not the first time she's said that. Zing! Daniel goes outside and finds a frog, which he shows it to Johnny. It's got three back legs, which Daniel finds disturbing. Johnny is less concerned: "One more leg -- that means one more person we can feed, right?" If there are frogs in the actual camp, I believe that means the river is very close to the camp, which makes sense for a fur traders' camp, now that I think about it. There's no point building a camp where nobody can get to you and trade furs, right?
Tommy, Natalie and Annie are out scavenging for food. They're father out than Natalie is comfortable with, but Tommy keeps pushing father out.
Irene and Miljan are supposed to be out getting water, and they find a locked shed in a field. Ooh! More mysteries! Miljan wants to keep it a secret, and Irene reluctantly agrees. They don't immediately break into it, because they are dumb.
Oh, hey! Natalie and Annie have found mushrooms! They have red caps and white spots, which means that they look exactly like the ones from Super Mario World. Also, they're the ones they were looking for. So they load them up and go back to camp without Tommy, who's still roaming through the brush. When they get back to the camp (with fewer mushrooms than they're going to need), Miljan suggests using sweat as salt. That's gross. I mean, it's also potentially a good idea, but I don't think you want to go down the path of using bodily fluids to flavor your food. No one's that concerned about Tommy.
Tommy staggers up. No! It's a cameraman! And he's bleeding from the head. We see the crew take him off, and an off-screen voice tells everyone to go back to doing what they were doing. All the contestants are more interested in what happened to the cameraman. No one could understand the cameraman, who may have been speaking Russian. I'm pretty impressed with the professionalism displayed by whoever's operating the camera right now. Because they're probably also interested in what happened to that guy, right? They work together! But they're putting their personal lives on hold so they can get footage of Joe saying the cameraman said he saw them. It seems that Joe learned Russian from his grandmother.
Daniel says Tommy had a cameraman with him. And this could be that cameraman! Sabina (who's whittling with that knife she found) claims she saw him in the forest. Did she? She wasn't with that group. There's a lot of discussion. And then Aussie Host comes in with an announcement: "There's been a very serious accident involving Tommy. Um. And unfortunately, it's fatal." Gasp! And they're letting the contestants decide whether they want to proceed. If they want to opt out, they get five thousand dollars. Esther gets a little hysterical. Aussie Host will come back at the end of the day to see who wants to leave.
There's some footage of Tommy's body being loaded onto a helicopter while various competitors complain about a game turning out to be fatal. Daniel wants more information.
It seems like that would be the end of the episode, but it isn't. Because now we see footage of Tommy! From before he died! He's in a clearing, complaining that he hasn't seen the mushrooms. Then he looks up and he and the cameraman start running. The camera falls to the ground and there's screaming. Something passes the camera and runs after them. I think it's Bigfoot.
And that's the actual end of the episode.
So I've got some real problems with the format of this show. It's edited like a reality show, complete with the cheesy music and opening credits, but are we supposed to pretend there's a world where this would be aired like this? If someone died during an episode of Survivor, they'd never show it. And if they did, they'd show it a million times in slow motion. And as the show continues and more crazy things happen, are we still supposed to imagine the camera crew doing their jobs twenty-four hours a day? Now that they've established that the footage we're seeing is being created by characters in the world, they have to keep doing that. Even though we don't see the camera crew until something bad happens to them, they're still supposed to be there. And the "This season on Siberia" footage contains things that are clearly not part of the reality show, so if they're trying to maintain that illusion, it's already broken.
Follow Monty on Twitter at @monty_ashley and read his blog, Mysterious Exhortations.