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If this is the show finding its legs, that's very thrilling. What we saw here was more confident, funnier and frankly more sophisticated than the first two episodes. Which were fine, just sometimes hinky and fish/fowly and all over the place. This one felt like it's a lot closer to jelling, and maybe it's just the director or the writer for this one episode, but I don't think so: I think this episode is what this show is like. Which is great news.
So what happened? The Social Security people come to investigate Frank's Aunt Ginger, whose checks he's been cashing -- and in whose house they all live -- since she keeled over during a coke-fueled bender twelve years ago (and was subsequently buried in the backyard). He dresses up an insane, homeless ex-bus driver in drag, but that's too creepy even for the Gallaghers, so they kidnap an old lady from Veronica's old lady home. Debbie grows very attached to her over the two days they spend together, and it ends up awfully touching for being such a macabre sort of story.
Frank's still living at Sheila's, learning about all her weird OCD rituals and agoraphobic stuff, and it's fairly sad and pretty humanizing to see him deal with that. First, of course, by trying to take advantage of it, and then when he's being educated by Karen, who pretty obviously carries her mom, and then finally when it's just the two of them and Sheila cries because she can't even believe how fucked up and sick she is.
But the evening really belongs to Mandy Milkovich, this totally gross girl who, typically for this show, turn out to be kinda awesome. Due to some real gross stuff at school, she has developed a crush on wonderful Ian, and is not taking no for answer. So when she finally goes for it and he flips out, she runs off howling rape. Her three giant brothers come looking for Ian, and even though they're thuggy friends of Lip's, they eventually beat him as a sort of warning, about which he is pretty hilarious. Finally, Ian comes out to the girl, and she suggests they date each other anyway. To which he agrees, even though the night before he was pretty harsh with Kash about the exact same thing.
Meanwhile, Fiona has taken up Hot Cop Tony on his lifelong infatuation in order to get back at Steve for kidnapping her father last week. What she doesn't know is that he's a virgin -- or was, until she banged him in his cop car outside the Christian Youth sports banquet. And Steve won't leave her alone. Finally, even though Tony gives her the perfect out from her shame stuff with Steve, she cannot deny her feelings and ends up screwing over Tony again so she can run back to Steve. I foresee grave consequences, what with Steve being a car thief and Tony being a cop, but who knows.
week: Debbie steals a baby and dresses it in drag. Probably my favorite episode of the Brit version, personally, so hopes are high.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Well, looks like in the wake of Frank's kidnapping to our neighbors to the north last week Fiona's decided to give Tony a whirl. He won his Coach of the Year award after all, and rawdogging in his cop car outside the church is his reward. The whole time she's fucking him, he's all, "This is great! Sex is so fun!" and won't shut up. Which I mean, on the one hand how flattering, but on the other hand shut up.
They open the church doors and all the kids flow out and up to the steamed-up car, begging for Tony to turn on the sirens and do all the tricks cops have to do so that the children won't grow up hating them, and Fiona's just about having a naked blast at his discomfort, playing with the trophy and grinning at the kids and their eventual parents, jaws dropping. Fiona does know how to have fun. The only thing hotter than Hot Cop Tony is doing him in a cop car; the hilarity ensuing afterward is just the cherry on top.
There's a neat sort of transition thing where we follow stupid Kev down the road for awhile, and he looks up the skirt of a girl getting off the El, which is gross because it's Kev and gross because the girl is a child; we switch to her and follow her inside the Kash & Grab, where she grabs the ass of Ian Gallagher with the poise and grace of a girl on an ass-grabbing mission.
Of course, Ian thinks the grabbing hand belongs to his boss, and starts giggling, but then when he realizes it's this girl -- Mandy Milkovich, of the Chicago Milkoviches, which get ready for their nonstop bullshit -- he just about faceplants off his ladder. Seems earlier in the day, their totally nasty History teacher was dragging his totally nasty History dick across Mandy's textbook and Ian tripped him onto his ass in recompense, because Ian is the finest example besides Lip, and so now she's there to pay him back.
It's intimidating because of his gayness, and because she's sort of a thrilling amalgam of all the ways TV tells us tweens are getting gross, with their color-coded SillyBandz and rainbow parties and constant fingerbanging, but also and most of all because the Milkoviches (UK: Maguires) are like the most important thug family in the show. They are the reason I stopped watching the UK version, because although I love them individually, they're as big a family as the disgusting Gallaghers and they come with twice the baggage and it's just so tedious to have to pretend their lives matter. They make the Gallaghers look classy, which you would think is like impossible, but you'd be wrong.
"I think you might be my knight in shining armor," Mandy giggles, and Ian's like um ok lol and when she asks when he gets off, Ian throws some wild-eyed fear Kash's way and says he can't leave until way late. She slinks by him and says she'll see him tomorrow, and Ian knows the fear of a Taylor Lautner caught in the crosshairs of an American teenager's insatiable hungers.
Over at Sheila's they're watching a documentary on this very subject, as a crocodile snaps chicken out of a handler's hands -- "These amazing creatures may look cute and cuddly, but caution should be taken..." -- when the doorbell rings and Sheila's mentals kick in, and Frank has to get off his filthy ass and answer the door. It's Lip, which is awkward for everybody due to how Frank lives at Sheila's now because he beat up Ian, which is unacceptable.
Lip is grossed out by the arrangement, but at least it's better than having Frank home and it's closer than Toronto, so the girls won't flip out. Sheila loves Lip and as usual tries to feed him culture shock food (this time it's chicken Kiev, which sounds delightful right now) but he just wants to get the heck out of there because Frank + Sheila = Horror, and Karen's life is already hard. Frank's in his element, calling out for new potatoes and services and grilling Lip about his intentions toward Karen, and if you've ever been offended by a Boomer parent pretending to parent when the mood strikes, you understand the thunderstorm going on in Lip's brain when he's like "Are you fucking serious right now?" but it has no effect, because of course Frank is serious: Being the dress-up doll for Sheila's 99 problems is his job now.
Ian kisses Kash goodnight sweetly and scarily, in the alley, and then is immediately attacked by the many needs of Mandy Milkovich, who takes his arm and steers him home so they can drink beers and watch some kind of demolition derby white-trash show and she can commit seductions on him. She kicks the shit out of Carl, which was funny, so he takes off -- "Have fun getting herpes!" -- and then before you know it they're alone and she's right up on his dick and his voice is squeaking and he goes from being not in charge of the situation to being entirely underwater in the situation.
As I often tell my baby sisters, sometimes slutty is good because boys are dumb. And we live in a culture that says that, as objects of desire, our own desires do not signify. (Also, this is and will always be all cultures, because of how sex works, so you're going to have to think yourself outside the box.) But boys don't have to ever do that, so sex becomes a favor you're doing boys, and that's honestly what they think is going on. Gratitude, like Hot Cop Tony, and the desire to earn more fucking; the princess is always in another castle.
Which there are a lot of benefits to that, but on the other hand it means you're never actually having sex, because you're doing them this favor. Handjobs and fingerbanging have always been one of the Five Love Languages, but once sex becomes only a transaction -- if you're having sex for these other things and not solely for yourself because it's awesome -- you've lost track of things entirely and you are just getting fucked, and that's what a slut is. And you, and sex, are both way better than that.
So while that's playing out inside, Fiona and Tony are giggling outside, at their date's conclusion, and he finally gets it together enough to ask about Steve. She will never answer a direct question, but especially not about that, so she changes the subject to how much the little kids love Tony and his sirens and his movie star good looks and total cuteness, but Tony's not having it, and he asks again.
And what he is never going to get is that instead of telling him about Steve, what she's saying is that Tony has worth: Little kids love him, and little kids are at least 85% of her life, and so if she's going to let him in it's going to be because of what he represents, which is unconditional love and straight-and-narrow good boy activities, and please do not bring Steve into that conversation because he is also unconditionally loving but also a bad boy, and thus will always win, and this whole thing with Tony is just a bluff, but only if you make me say it out loud. Because when you put them both on the table, the choice is very stark and does not reflect well on Fiona, because she's essentially saying she doesn't really desire Tony because she is not good enough for Tony, which is all the way on the other side of the map from what's actually going on.
Luckily, Mandy comes speeding out of there with her raccoon eyes bleeding mascara, screeching and that, so Fiona and her weird accent in this episode don't have to continue with the acrobatics, and then she screams some pretty awesome things, running into her house: "Why is Mandy Milkovich crying? Who did what to Mandy Milkovich?"
Lip and Karen are lying under the El, watching it go by like stars, and it's very romantic. Lip asks why Sheila can't leave the house, and to her credit Karen's like, "Um, you want to talk about fucked up parents?" There is a hickey on her neck and it is not from Lip, but they have that whole deal figured out; he asks what it's like to have Frank in the house and the answer is: Weird. "It's only gonna get weirder," he says, and the trains go over, and they both scream until they black out, and it's so romantic.
Veronica is doing that thing to an old person that they did to Michelle Pfeiffer's breasts that time at the convent, supposed to clear toxins from her lungs or dark humors from her gall bladder or whatever, and Kev calls to yell at her about, guess what, loaning their shit to the Gallaghers. (But if she didn't do these things, what the fuck would they talk about?) This time it's the toaster, because Carl effed up the Gallagher one by melting action figures together. Kev yells and whatever, he's irritating, and then the old ladies Veronica is dealing with start talking about farts and colostomies and just like that we're back at the Gallaghers', because no sir.
Long, luxurious scene of Gallagher tumult, with the whirling cameras and splitting poor people duties, and for some reason it is very cold in the house, and Carl's carrying around a baseball bat ("The bat is for killing, not for taking to school. I don't need any more notes from your teacher") and Steve shows up looking for Ian. "Befriend the brother to Um, duh. But also "I am addicted to your family because I am a cold and lonely grifter with the heart of a knight errant and the bone structure of a porno twink."
Kev runs in yelling about the dumb toaster and Carl's melting guys in there already and then the florist drops off a lovely bouquet which Fiona assumes came from Steve but in fact are from Tony ("Fiona, thanks for a night I'll never forget") which Kev thinks is hysterical. Meanwhile Deb's stealing wifi from a neighbor ("Thank you, Beaver327!") and Fiona's figuring out that the gas is completely cut off, and when Steve explains he's only there to give Ian some sports tickets he won in a bet Kev says he should go with the Oilers because the Flyers are "a bunch of fags," which of course doesn't faze Ian but gets Lip's hackles right up, because he is wonderful.
Kev laughs about the Tony thing, which Fiona hates because Steve's standing right there, so she gives the spiel about how they had a nice time and he's really sweet and has an honest job, and Kev makes fun of that too, and Steve's just concerned that maybe Fiona is taking this thing with them so far that she actually fucked him, which she did, but now he has all the ingredients to a recipe that, when fully baked, means Fiona is totally in love with Steve. I don't think any of them know that at this point. Except maybe Fiona, which means the opposite.
Sheila gets all dressed up in one of her typical Tippi Hedren car-coat/pedal-pusher "50 Ft. Queenie" outfits and Karen kicks Frank under the table before he can remind her that she has serious mental problems and will not, in fact, be heading to the store. "I have a feeling that today's going to be the day, Mom," Karen says, and they pretend that's true. Frank tries to roll with it, adding more items to her shopping list, and then Sheila walks herself to the front door.
"Okay. So. I'm off. Okay. Just one foot in front of the other. And I will open the door. Open the door. And I take a step out..."
Sheila smiles to herself in the sunshine for about one millisecond before the sounds start up, cars whooshing and trucks blaring and a jackhammer and a locomotive engine and people shouting and people screaming and gunshots and terrors, and then she just fucking loses it. Today was not, as they agree, the day. You know, I don't think I've ever felt sorry for a single Joan Cusack character. (Well, Alsatia a little, but only because Robin Williams ma
kes me want to do a murder on myself.) Anyway, Karen grabs her and shushes her and pulls her back inside, and it's super sad and well-done.
Frank of course grabs the shopping money and heads out the door without the shopping list, because he is grossgusting, and Karen knows better but he's too fast for her, snatching his bagged-up shoes and taking his old lady-looking self out the door. "You do something for me later, like bail me out of jail, or stop me from having sex with some ugly chick." What is it like to be Karen. Gods. It's like, how bad does it have to get to where the clown-obsessed Jesus Freak starts looking like your best option?
Fiona, bad show. Somehow the gas bill is up to $587 minimum to get it turned back on. I don't know if peak oil happened already or what, but here in Austin that's like five years' worth of gas. Anyway, everybody turns out their pockets and they think they can make it, or Fiona will hardscrabble her lot somehow; Debbie on the computer pipes up, "We can get an extra $200 a month from the state if we say Carl's retarded," but like they don't even consider the worth of that plan.
Steve offers to get the gas turned back on -- "Unless you want to get it from Tony the Cop," he snits unproductively -- and that she doesn't even really need to pay him back because money is not an issue and never should be, but she just ignores him because that's embarrassing to contemplate. Kev razzes Steve about that, asking for money and not paying it back, and Steve's finally like, "Does he know the only reason you fucked him was to get back at me?" Oh, Steve. Lip's like Duuuude.
Round 1: Tony. For which not even Fiona is rooting, so quit it.
Everybody takes off and Kev says something very sweet to Fiona about her oatmeal, which makes him okay for a while, and then Frank shows up to do Sheila's "shopping," which means stealing food from Fiona's kitchen. He talks about how she pays for the food with food stamps, for which he indirectly pays through taxes, which he does not pay, and it's OTT and all the usual Frank shit, and then poor Tony shows up and Kev does some lewd shit to him and it's back on. Veronica deserves much better, I'm sorry. He's not even cute.
Fiona digs the flowers out of the garbage, and he goes I had a really good time last night and I like you, Fiona and I've waited a long time for last night to happen, and she is a whiz of deflection: "Coach of the Year's a big deal!" He explains a few times that last night was his First Time, and she resists beyond the telling of it understanding that he's saying what he's saying, and then boom cut to sitting in the parlor with Veronica, feeling weird about it.
"Holy shit! You popped his cherry!" She admits he wasn't half bad, and when Veronica asks if he cried afterward Fiona defends him and his whole sweet doggie thing as usual. Immediately Veronica calls her out for the Steve aspect of all this, and Fiona can barely defend against it at this point because it's so obvious. "You never looked at the other 95 guys that way," she laughs, and Fiona just tokes the joint and grins, "Don't exaggerate: 94."
See, slutty is better: Just own it and you can have it all, anything you want. You're so novel! You can keep your time to yourself! You don't need date insurance! You can go out with whoever you want to! Every boy! Every boy in the whole world could be yours! Veronica starts talking about how Steve's awesome and Fiona's doing him dirty and when you say "kidnapped my father to a foreign country" you're stacking the deck, because Canada is hardly a foreign country. Except for horrible Quebec.
There's an awkward scene in which point A is this conversation and point B is Fiona opening the door while laughing, but instead of writing a funny conversation to get from A to B, they've decided to just wing it. Essentially Fiona likes the part of Tony where he's not "getting all in my family's business," because that's the problem with Steve, and then they talk about Tony's insane mother and how "the neighborhood bitches" have probably already told her about the fucking in the car, and so his crazy mother probably will come shoot Fiona with a gun.
I mean, once/if we meet Tony's mom this conversation probably will be funny, but since we haven't the peals of laughter just come off forced and weird. I think if you write in your script that the people laugh uproariously you better make sure you've earned it, because otherwise you're just laughing at your own joke, which you only wrote so the people would have a reason to laugh, and so now you've done your actors two separate disservices. And this has happened every week on this show so far, and it's cringe-y every time.
But, to the stoned laughter isn't coming Tony's mom, but in fact Abby Ruggiero, Inspector General, who is visiting to meet with Virginia Louise Gallagher, Frank's Aunt Ginger, in whose house we all live and whom, we believe, lives in a nursing home in Wisconsin. Since her address was changed from this house to a Mailboxes, Etc. twelve years ago, they suspect Social Security fraud. Paging Frank Gallagher; I don't know why Fiona even thinks about any of this. But she does believe Aunt Ginger is real, so her confusion is a bit more justified. Anyway, mean Abby Ruggiero waves the neck check in Fiona's face and says she'll be by at ten the morning to deliver it personally.
Did you hear about how in China they had the oldest people in the world, until it turned out that those people were all dead a long time ago and the people were just still getting their Commie checks for them and covering it up? People are dicks.
Mandy's brothers, especially Mickey who is going to be very important, show up at the Kash & Grab to perpetrate on Ian. Apparently Mandy told them an untruth involving her virtue, and they are there for honor reasons. He hides in the office and Kash tells them he's escaped through there into the alley, and they wait for the Milkoviches to leave. They do, but before he can lock the door and get tender on Ian, Mickey comes back in and steals some food and acts beastly some more. Finally Ian comes out all, "I promise that girl's virtue was not on the menu" and Kash is like, "Of course it wasn't, you queer little nugget."
Karen is I guess now acting as Lip's pimp, being posher by half, and hooking him up with various PSAT people who need his brilliant brain to get them into National Merit. Also, she has raised Lip's rates. I hope K-Momma's getting a cut, especially now that Frank's going to be there weirding things out. She says she'll see him in three hours, and he says it'll only take two. I like this little touch, being as how the SAT thing is the obvious choice but the PSAT thing actually, for Lip's purposes, makes more sense. Even though there's no such thing as the "National Merit Society" and also it's a timed test, you can't leave early, but whatever, it's cute. Karen and Lip, Lip and Karen. The only stable people.
Today's jumble: E-O-R-K-J. Frank can't figure it out, Kev can't figure it out, Fiona calls it the second she walks into the Alibi -- "It's JOKER, where the hell is Aunt Ginger?" -- and there's a whole cat-and-mouse with Frank's bullshit and Kev teasing her about Tony some more, and it's all very annoying and frustrating, and Frank does not tell what should be very obvious, and finally Fiona's like, "Great, so felony."
So now Frank has to find a replacement Ginger, and he goes to shelters and things and gets yelled at by a verger for some shit he pulled as a Santa bell-ringer for Homelessville last year and finally he's just like, "Just let me borrow an old lady for a few hours!" That works out well. Eventually he kidnaps a crazy homeless person and puts him in a dress, which was pretty much the only thing Frank's ever done that is cool.
Ian tracks down Mandy, but it doesn't go well. He hurt her feelings!
Steve tracks down Fiona, but it doesn't go well. He kidnapped her awful father!
He points out that getting rid of Frank was actually an awesome idea, but she's just using it as her excuse anyway, so he points out that she's only making such a huge deal out of everything because she's totally into him and when she says he knows nothing about her he Seth Cohens out: "Then teach me! Teach me!" And I guess that does it, because she starts to soften here, because what if a guy actually thought you were a person and not an object.
1:54 and Lip's out of the PSAT and pleased as punch with himself... Until the Milkoviches appear. Mickey's friendly at first, and they're both wary, and you can smell Guy Stuff heavy in the air like they're about to Chicken Run, and almost sadly Mickey finally changes the subject like this: "So, Ian messed with Mandy..." Lip just about cracks up at that one, because no he did not, but he can't say so without blowing Ian's spot -- at which point things become certainly unbearable -- so he just promises Mandy's wrong about it. The way they play this scene is so great, menacing and tentative and friendly and superseding Law of the Jungle. Mickey rules, and Lip is maybe the best one on this show.
"The problem is that Ian's been avoiding us all day, and, uh, someone's got to get a beatdown 'til we find him." No exceptions, sadly, and Lip just kind of throws his shoulders back and smiles, and even before he says what he's going to say, Karen grins and moves out of the way, because it's going to be like this: "Maybe Mandy's confusing Ian with any one of the other 400 dudes in the tenth grade she's already blown?"
Quite the St. Crispin's way to go out, bro. But I mean: Mickey Maguire, man. I don't even know how you make Mickey Maguire make sense as an American. (If you ever do, won't you send him the fuck my way.) And is that Noel Fisher from The Riches? Where do I know this kid from? This whole show is great with that; tonight we also got out-and-proud Jillian Armenante, aka the screaming lady from the time Christina Ricci blew up Meredith Grey, and also the foster home lady from when Cameron turned back into
h_connor_ch/allison_from_palmdale.php" target="_blank">Allison from Palmdale.)
Right before Tony shows up again, Fiona brings Liam home to find "Aunt Ginger" in her dress at the kitchen table, wearing garish makeup and sporting a giant boner in her muumuu. This show has so many boners.
Awkwardly, Tony's opening greeting is, "It's me, the virgin!" So I guess we're going to talk about that. Like, um, how come you didn't tell me about that beforehand? Not that it was unlawful or ethically bad or anything, just a little bit of a responsibility, and obviously Fiona wouldn't have fucked him if she knew it was his V card, because she wasn't actually fucking him, she was anti-fucking Steve, which makes it all real weird.
Tony gets her to agree his dick is bigger than average, and then downplays it in the same really cute, believable way -- "Joni always wanted to wait 'til we got married, then she gave it up to Dickie Dolan, night before he shipped out for Fallujah, lost his leg. Uh, almost did it with Houlie's sister Christmas Eve, but she was too drunk. And Katie Jordan was super Catholic, so she'd only let me stick it in her b..." -- and that's how you know Tony's going to be mostly okay, at least for now.
Except for the neighborhood bitches did tell Tony's mom about it, and so he has invited Fiona to dinner, I guess to make things even more fucked up by sticking them in a room together. And then he says the magic words, or what would be the magic words if Steve didn't steal cars for a living: "You don't have to run away from me, Fiona. I get you. I get your family." And also, Miss Lisa married them at the Little Red Schoolhouse when they were five, which is adorable.
Frankly I could have this conversation all day, because Hot Cop Tony really is just piping hot, but then Lip shows up with most of his face looking like sushi, and Tony starts to get curious about it but Lip just tiredly tells him not to worry about it, and then Fiona goes inside with him so Veronica can fix his destroyed face and they can all stare at the Aunt Ginger scarecrow Frank made out of a dude.
Apparently a dude we all know, because he used to be the kids' bus driver, before he went crazy and moved his home address to "the dumpster behind the A&P." I love this, it's like the one thing Frank's ever done that they're getting the correct mileage out of. When Fiona and Frank explain the social security situation, they all agree that using Mr. Perry in drag as a substitute Ginger is either "retardedly brilliant" or "brilliantly retarded"; either way, Frank is flattered.
Fiona's still all about finding the real one, though, and starts to call Kev up to borrow his car so they can drive to Wisconsin this very night, and finally Frank just hangs up the phone and explains that Aunt Ginger is, obviously, long since dead. Debbie shrieks and starts crying, even though she never met her -- "And now I never will!" -- and then Frank explains how, twelve years ago, he and Aunt Ginger (who looks about 90 in the flashback) were doing mad lines and partying like hooligans and then she keeled over. I've never seen a crazy old lady do lines with a dollar bill off a coffee table, so that part was pretty exciting.
"That woman was my heart and soul. She practically raised me!" It sounds like Frank bullshit, but honestly it would explain a lot. And so Fiona's back on freaking out, because now they really are committing felony, as well as squatting, and finally Veronica's like, "Why not just go borrow one of my old people?"
So they go to the old folks' home and interact with various olds while Veronica explains why each of them is an unsuitable candidate. They need somebody not so lucid, but also free of overwhelming medical trauma, but also somebody who doesn't have family visiting too much, but not so far in that direction that they're just completely walking the cow, and Debbie is falling in love with all of the olds one by one, and Fiona calls her over.
"You know how your friend Sophie's Nana couldn't remember anything, because she had Old People's Disease? We're looking for somebody like that." Frank makes noise about not being stuck in a home and Fiona laughs that he'll outlive all of them, and you know the bastard will, and then she worries if Veronica will get in trouble for letting them steal olds, and Veronica says the harshest grossest thing: "Girl please. This place is just like what you see on the news. A month ago, one of the night shift guys got caught fucking Mrs. Hebert who's in a coma? He just got a raise." Too far, I think, bridge too far. And anyway, there's a crazy-looking Aunt Ginger right there, lecturing a ficus on cooking au gratin, and Debbie's like, "Found her" and everybody agrees that she is perfect.
More Milkovissues outside the Kash & Grab, once they've closed up for the night, and they finally go away, and in the back of Kash's truck Ian is like, "This sucks, I shoulda just fucked her," and Kash tells him that's not how it works. And Ian says that Kash can shut the hell up, because tell me again about relationships with women when you're gay, and Kash admits he had no idea he was gay until after he married my wonderful Linda, so it's not fair to throw that in his face. Ian's like, "No, I'm going to be straight like you are then," and Kash knows he's not serious and says he'd be happy to join Ian out in the sunshine except he loves his kids, so follow my example by not following my example and complicating things for yourself. The last thing this relationship needs is another wife; on the other hand there is no other way this storyline could possibly play out.
Aunt Ginger remembers her house well, despite never having been there before, right down to the bookcase her brother Norman did not build, and Debbie of course takes her in hand immediately. Meanwhile Mr. Perry is still there in drag, so Frank shoves him out into the street like the Mole Man, and he wanders away, and that little second of him standing in the yard in a dress and makeup felt to me like the truest thing of this show so far. Grim, grisly, hilarious, shameless.
Long montage of Debbie and Ginger doing loving grandma-type things together, which while enjoyable is also clearly the most efficient way for us to care what happens at the end of this episode, but since it does the trick I'm not going to call it a gimmick. Let's just say "efficient storytelling" and leave it at that.
I'm not saying I wouldn't watch an entire show of batty fucking Ginger and weird little Debbie doing crafts and baking things. I would watch the shit out of that show: "I was 26 and I was working as a secretary for the USO, and one of the dancers broke her foot. And before you know it, they're pulling me off the typewriter and they're teaching me the dance steps for the show that very night. Oh, from that point forward, I was a regular dancer!" Did you ever dance with anyone famous? "Dance? No, honey, I'm not a dancer! Let's see what's on now..."
Steve drops off the tickets and Fiona's frosty and he's all, "Well, if you need me, I'll be across the street in the bushes stalking you," which gets a smile from her that she pretends never happened, and then outside there are the Milkoviches being rough and tumble some more, bothering Steve and yelling up at the windows -- "Hey, Lip! How's your lip?" -- and whatever. Upstairs, Ian's like I did nothing! and, although Lip assumed that, he's still in perfect Big Bro mode: "I know that, Ian, but her brothers think you did." Just very calm and good, face all torn up: "You're probably the first guy in her life who hasn't tried to jump her."
Ian is still traumatized by the way she came at him, and Lip is like, "One option would be to throw it in her, for safety," and Ian compares this to Lip throwin' it in Kash, and he just grins. "Why, is he asking about me?" Yeah, he's going to fuck all the Gallaghers eventually. Lip laughs, like, That's cool, but gets serious again: "Eventually, you're gonna have to take the beatdown for this, you know," Ian does, they sigh, life is hard when you've got a hypersexualized tweener coming at you with an army of droogy backup.
morning Ginger and Debbie are making eggs benedict for everybody -- "I've missed you, Ginger!" -- and Lip immediately notices two things: One, Ian is missing, and two, so is the Killing Bat. Frank's nervous about Abby's upcoming visit, bitching again about how he pays her salary, and his only communication with Lip is the very fatherly "It's essential that families share meals together," which is such a fucking joke that Lip grabs the muffin off Frank's plate and shovels it down.
Which is a retreat from aggression in a way, because it's a funny prank and not outright coldness; but you also get Debbie's exasperation when Frank selfishly snags the one they've cooked up. Everybody loves their breakfast, even Carl who is now microwaving his action figures together; Ginger asks about Frank and Debbie just shrugs. "That's my dad."
Ian is lying in wait across the street from Mickey's house when Lip finds him, and there's a funny little gasp moment before Ian relaxes and explains that his plan is apparently to knock Mickey out with the Killing Bat, and then the other brothers will beat him to death. Good plan, Ian. Lip offers to fight the others off with a brick so he can get away, but Ian says he's already taken enough for him. Lip, of course, is not having that. But then it doesn't matter, because it's not Mickey coming out the house, it's Mandy. For whom neither Killing Bat nor brick makes sense. But then Ian comes up with the smartest plan of all.
He chases Mandy down the alley, and she's screaming how he's a "fucking perv" and "a dead man" and all this, the usual, and then he's just like, "See, I'm gay." Which proves he gets girl psych more than we thought, because that is the one thing tweens have no defense against, because gay dudes are their favorite thing, because to the teen girl mind they're the only thing both more helpless and infantilized, and more sexually tainted, than teenage girls themselves.
Speaking of little girls and the pets they like to adopt, Aunt Ginger is explaining to Debbie how to deal with maple furniture (Step One: Burn it, you fucking hillbilly) when Abby Ruggiero shows up with a hot FBI dude and starts screaming in her face. "MRS. GALLAGHER MY NAME IS ABBY AND I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS." Ginger says these exact words right back to her, and it kind of sets the tone for the rest of their conversation. The first lucid thing she says: "Oh wait, now I remember! Ricky Ricardo and I did the salsa together one night!"
The first annual P-FLAG meeting turns to JT v. JC Chasez ("No, are you kidding? He's totally gay," Ian spits, in the best line of the episode) and all that, and Mandy's like, "First, are you sure about the gay thing. And second, I won't tell anybody. But third, are you making this up to get me off your jock because I am hideous." The exact teen girl things. This paragraph is very true to life. So Ian explains that she is very pretty, which she is, and puts his one hand on her boob and her one hand on his dick and is like: "This is how gay I am, see? No action." Which frankly, I think what this proves is that you require medical attention because who would not get a boner in that circumstance, but "I'm just not wired that way" covers both, I suppose.
Frank's whole point about Abby's promise to come back in six months is sort of valid -- "Yeah, because this is such a great use of government funds" -- goes south by way of Obama's Amerika -- "Hey, maybe time you can check that my Uncle Harold is taking his Lipitor, oh wait, you canceled his Medicare" -- and anyway, they just hate each other with a spittin' rage and it's funny to be against Abby Ruggiero who is kind of awesome, but especially to be on Frank's side ever, and Fiona wrestles the SS check away from him for the gas bill, hilariously grunting and dodging, and then just to make the scene perfect we swerve back to Debbie on the couch and Aunt Ginger's cutest thing yet: "I also danced with Cab Calloway. He had the first colored penis I ever kissed."
Of course, Frank wants to put Ginger on the bus and call it a day, but they have to take her home, and it's heartbreaking the way Debbie just falls to pieces once Ginger starts roving the communal area offering all the olds Rice Krispie treats -- she and Deb really are two of a kind, aren't they? -- and Fiona has to practically pick her up bodily and take her home, and my gosh that little girl could just slay you dead when she cries. All this "buy me a puppy" stuff about how Ginger didn't really mean to pee in a houseplant and Debbie is more than willing to care for her even though she's already got Carl and Liam on her tiny sad plate.
Mandy makes her play to be Ian's beard, and it's touching, because what she's saying makes so much sense that you can see how he misses the Kash/Linda parallel almost entirely: "No one would ever give you a hard time, it'd keep the creepy guys away from me, I've never actually had a real boyfriend before..." They hold hands, sweetly, these total innocents who regularly have more sex than the rest of us -- another high mark of this show's sensibility -- and she laughs. "Not that you'd be a real boyfriend, but a boyfriend I could do things with, instead of, you know, just getting fingerbanged all the time." I think Mandy's going to be okay. I'd like to see her and Karen out on the town sometime, wouldn't you? Our boys and their girls.
Later Frank's watching the news with Sheila and it's this sad story of how some people came to see their grandma at the old folks' home and the staff couldn't find her, and then just when they were shitting it Grandma came strolling in with Rice Krispie treats going, "My name's Abby, and I'd like to ask you a few questions." Maybe Frank connects the dots maybe he doesn't, but it's enough to send Sheila over the edge and into his arms. "It's so scary out there, Frank," she says, and she sobs, and he knows what she means by that at least.
Fiona's on her way out to dinner at Tony's, and all three of the kids laugh when she ducks into Lip and Ian's room to remind Ian and Mandy to keep it above the covers. Nothing is better than Lip when he's happy, but seeing Ian stretched out on the bed, Mandy drawing on one leg with a marker while they flip through some gay porn, is a total bonus. God bless the Gallaghers.
And Fiona makes it as far as Tony's block -- he's just coming back from the store with marshmallows, for his mom's famous ambrosia salad -- but something somebody said, or did, or maybe just a plan she didn't let herself know she was making, sends her walking off again. And when she shows up at Steve's chopshop in her prettiest dress, and she nearly whispers "Hi," and he turns around and sees her and almost can't smile, well, not even Tony could really have a problem with that: They're soldering behind him, so the sparks are flying, and her earrings catch the light: Those gold chandeliers, from the night he fell in love. The ones that made him smile.
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